#but basically maybe i am incapable of being extremely stressed about more than one thing at a time

[clumsyclifford]

hello my darling bella! i haven't send you an essay in a while so. hi 😌

firstly i have a book rec which i know doesn't make too much sense but just in case you find yourself needing a book i think you would really enjoy loveless and/or radio silence but alice oseman. both very much have a vibe of friendship is romance (or at least both are very focused on friendship) and that reminded me of you!

i also meant to ask if you watched falcon and the winter soldier yet? since all the eps are out?

have you ever listened to achilles come down? it's the current most likely candidate to become my most listened to song this year

how's the baseball season going? i only ever see bits of what you say in the club and it makes no sense to me so i thought i'd ask 🙈

ooh also i had a very interesting experience recently: was driving home and someone cut me off in a very shitty way and i honked at them. bc i am Me that was the first time in nearly 3 years of driving that i used the horn. so that was fun i'm very proud of it 😌

okii rambling time is over i love you!! -fiancee

hello my darling fiancee!!!

you know i have heard about alice oseman but i’ve never looked up these books. loveless really does look up my alley tbh i’m down to read that i love a friendship book esp if it’s also queer thank u for the rec

 ahahaah no i have not in fact watched it i have no excuse for why not. maybe later this week when i need a procrastination tactic i’ll put it on. i did finish watching new girl so now i have nothing to watch but then again i have been re-listening to the adventure zone which is Kind Of a thing, BUT that’s not a show i can watch so i am still seeking one of those. the only thing is tfatws is the kind of show i would have to like pay attention to and get invested in. usually i watch a sitcom so i can just like spend an easy ten or twenty minutes having a laugh. anyway point being i haven’t watched it, i know i should, i’ll get around to it eventually...probably

yeah i’ve heard it once or twice! it’s a good song idk it’s nothing special to me personally but i like it, i know a lot of people really like it, i know ainslee’s been listening to it a lot. very exciting for you though i love that for you it’s so nice finding a song like that

ahhh baseball season ! well. it is going. it is definitely going. at the current moment my team(s) are not uhhh. they aren’t THRIVING. nats played their (my) archnemesis team the ph*llies yesterday and the ph*llies won which was a real blow to my self-esteem but we’re playing them again today and i have all my fingers crossed i absolutely refuse to lose to that fucking blood traitor br*ce h*rper again i will rage. and today the mets beat the orioles SEVEN to one which is just tragic. to be fair though the orioles are not like a super good team and they’re also not My team the way the nats are but like, still a bummer, nobody wants to lose to the mets. bc like fuck the mets. real talk tho if the nats lose to the phillies again i will just die

hot damn!!!!!!! first time for everything!!!!! i love that for you lol i’ve used the horn a couple times it’s not my favorite but sometimes you just gotta. proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your car god i miss driving

thank u for the essay i have missed receiving them!!! love youuuu

#fiancee anon #REAL talk fiancee i am doing FUCKING fantastically #there are PLANS they are in MOTION #well. theyre not really in motion yet but they are PLANS #i guess they're kind of in motion in the sense that Tickets have been Purchased #sam is insane #it's gonna be a party this summer #in a realer sense though i am also stressed as hell #i have my stats final on tuesday but then my jewish activism final paper is due on thursday #and i am very very stressed about the stats final #and predict that i WILL have a crisis slash panic attack the way i had for the last one #fuck i never actually finished watching those lectures FUCK #ahem. anyway point being #i can't let the stats final stress overtake me because i NEED to start this paper before then #i can't write the whole thing in two days like i shoudlnt i dont want to #its a long paper and i dont wanna stress myself out like that #but also i dont know if ill be able to concentrate on trying to write the paper with all the stats final stress #i dont knowif im explainng this well #but basically maybe i am incapable of being extremely stressed about more than one thing at a time #it's one thing or NO things. i am just going to shut down #so like i'm doing better than ever but also so bad. SO bad #lmaoooooooo #BUT!!!!! happy news tonight i am going to applebees w friends to celebrate one of my friends finishing her thingy #idk some honors....something.....she wrote a play #but i am VERY excited for applebees because.......non-campus food............... #lava cake my beloved mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm #anonymous #ask #answered

[shxxtingstarss]

stuff abt me

I contacted the psychiatric hospital where I had multiple stays and asked for a copy of my patient record, they sent it to me just two days after I requested it and it's a whole fucking folder, it's about 200 pages long (stopped counting at 50 and estimated the rest). Of course I had to read through it the day I got it and damn, that was a lot. Funniest part was how early all of the recommendations were to get me away from my abusive mother, which I wanted to, but it's funny how hard I tried to keep contact bc she manipulated me into thinking I'm the problem, I failed and it was all my fault (and I was scared as shit of her). Well, now im NC since last christmas and in general, it feels a lot better. She tried to contact me more than once and still wants an explanation on why I (currently) don't want any contact to her... well, kinda sorry but I really don't have the time to explain atm and you really, should know that best yourself...

My mother traumatised me and my brother for years, she was incapable of controlling any strong emotions like rage, sadness, etc or any impulses. She never accepted any help or treatment (properly). She had/has an ED, she intentionally made us be afraid of her in general, but especially afraid of her punching us, verbally abusing us or afraid of her mutilating or killing herself if we weren't "good kids" (her picture of good kids seemed to be kids that don't talk, eat, cry, or maybe even breathe). My favourite example of this is from a few years ago, she went to look for mushrooms in the forest and began to clean and cut them in the evening at home, when my brother had some kind of disagreement with her about... about nothing (probably school, cleaning his room, sth like that). She got angry and mad very fast (as per usual) and screamed at him that if he doesn't stop upsetting her like that, she will show him how upset she actually is. Few seconds later it got suspiciously quiet (I heard everything through my bedroom door). My brother started crying and ran to his room half crying half screaming as if he was in great pain. That was not the usual way it ended, usually it ended with more screaming and crying and my mother throwing things around (or occasionally beating one of us). I got out of my bedroom and wanted to know what happened, went to my brothers room, my mother was in the bathroom. I saw blood on the floor of the hall. My brother was under his blanket and had our grandma on the telephone and obviously tried to tell her what happened, he seemed extremely scared. I wanted to ask him what's wrong but my mother entered the room furiously and snatched the phone out of his hand. She started to tell grandma that he just imagined stories and nothing he told was true. She left the room talking to grandma on the phone, so I tried to care for my crying brother. He told me, gasping for air bc he cried so hard, that our mother just took the kitchen knife which she cut the mushrooms with and rammed it into her stomach. I forgot what happened afterwards, I probably dissociated bc it was too much, I can only remember hearing my mother leave, then I found the knife on the kitchen floor, full of blood, and cleaned the floor from all the blood droplets. My mother went to the hospital that night and had to stay there for three days. She told the doctors that she tripped and fell on the knife in the woods, I visited her on the second day and she told me to absolutely not tell the truth and stared at me with her devilish eyes that she gets when she's angry. The doctors said she barely missed her liver. I was really tempted to tell them the truth, I hoped she would've been brought to a mental facility and we could finally find peace, but I couldn't do it, I was too scared of her. And so the horror kept going on (especially for my brother). This happened when I was 14 and my brother was 11 years old. I sometimes think I could've changed everything for the better if I would've told the doctors - I got to get out of there around half a year later, but my brother stayed with her for another 5 years and I'm terribly sorry for him. My mother never changed for the better, he got beaten even more often, she started to get even more personal and aggressive and talked him down more and more in fights, I once heard a voice message from her to him and it was horrible. Can't explain how angry I am about her treating my little brother this way.

My brother often said he never really felt loved by her and I used to defense her in all ways possible bc that's how she raised me basically, I had to lie for her, I had to do everything for her. But now that I can actually think about it, I actually never felt loved by her either. I don't know if she loves/loved us and never managed to show it or if she didn't love us at all.

Back to my patient record, the weird part was, I felt something like a strange sympathy, I felt sorry for my younger me, I asked myself why all of this had to happen, especially to an innocent child. But I didn't ask this in the way I normally did, I really felt sorry like for another person instead of feeling sorry for me or being in despair about it. Don't know if that's good or bad, it just is like that.

I know I'm not a different person than then, but at least some things changed and sometimes I really wonder how I managed to do all of this while being strongly suicidal, not very self-caring (more like the opposite if I think about all the selfharm) and not having any support by "family". Luckily I got a lot of support from social workers, my therapist, and sometimes even friends (wasn't easy for me to be close to people/more than one favourite person, actually it still isn't).

Well, it's not done yet and I still feel like pure shit some days/weeks, and I still (or maybe again) have to get better. The stress of being a chem student is not very mental-health-supportive, even for the healthiest peeps. At least I know now that it's actually not my fault, I'm not a piece of shit as my mother loved to tell me as often as she could, I did not destroy my "family", I was not the problem. It was not my fault. I actually tried my best, it just wasn't enough sometimes.

So, let's hope I keep this up and maybe I'll write another post some time soon. Maybe I can even help some desperate soul out there that is being manipulated into thinking that everything bad happened bc of them. No. And yes, I fucked up sometimes, I'm far away from perfect too, that's perfectly normal. But I'm not the "mentally ill person that destroyed her new marriage", maybe she should've had a look in the mirror instead of looking at me.

#trauma #trauma-related disorder #bpd #borderline pd #actually borderline #emotional instability #abuse #childhood trauma #actually traumatized #selfharm #tw sh #sh #tw dissociation #tw trauma #development #abusive parents #abusive mother #toxic parents #divorce #mothers #mental illness #manipulation

[daisylincs]

It's time to see what I can do! To test the limits and break through// no right no wrong no rules for meee// I'm freeeeeeeeee (and i was glad lincoln died)

*silence*

*utter, shocked silence*

Well, Birdie, I only have one thing to say to you --

Why Lincoln Campbell Shouldn't Have Died: A Small Essay By Lily [Redacted]

#1. It’s Lazy. There was all this fuss about how “heart-breaking” Lincoln’s death was, and how it was the most shocking choice, and I’m just like... really? Was it? Because frustrating as it is to me, it’s true that Lincoln didn’t have any significant relationships on the show aside from his with Daisy, and he also didn’t have the time/the writers didn’t invest the time to make him a character the audience could become really close to. 

And I don’t see how that’s a shocking choice at all? That’s just taking the easy way out of things. If they had really wanted to make a heart-breaking death, it would have been so much worse to choose literally anyone of the OG team.

Or, heaven forbid, not to make anyone die at all!! (Yes, I hate the Fallen Agent arc. Yes, that’s a conversation for another day.) But think about it: it would have been way more original, way more shocking, to have Lincoln not die, or find a super original/Fitzsimmons-esque way to get past the vision. It could’ve been way more shocking and ultimately satisfying if the whole team had worked together to avoid someone dying, and succeeded in avoiding that. It would have made excellent bonding.

And it wouldn’t have been lazy, because Lincoln staying alive would force him and Daisy to have some tough conversations, i.e. Hive and SHIELD and what’s next. It would also have meant an equal amount of tricky conversations with the rest of the team - especially surrounding the whole Hive debacle and methods used during it (*coughs in murder vests*). It would’ve actually been much harder than just having Lincoln die... and isn’t that what good storytelling is supposed to do? Make the harder choice for an ultimately far more satisfying resolution? 

Because choosing Lincoln to die makes it feel like that was his only purpose on the show, and I can’t help but rage against that. I know that’s how a lot of people actually do see Lincoln, and it just makes me so furious, because that’s actually such a disservice to his character?? He was so much more than just Daisy’s doomed boyfriend, and he could have been even more. Which brings me to my next point - 

#2. Wasted Opportunities. I’ll always believe that one of the biggest missed opportunities on the show was that we never got to see Lincoln properly bond with anyone on the team - it was like the writers started, but then decided he was going to die, and then went all, oh, RIP that. Which, honestly, is stupid - because they created this amazing character that had so much potential, and then decided to drop it just like that. 

And I mean, dammit!! Aside from Daisy, Lincoln had prime opportunities to bond with at least five other characters on the team - May, Coulson, Jemma, Fitz, and Mack, and that’s not even starting on the other Secret Warriors. 

He had a little bit of bonding with May when Lash/Andrew was still a thing - but then, whoops-a-daisy, unequivocally dropped. And like... Lincoln and May could’ve been such a good friendship?? Imagine May initially terrifying the living daylights out of Lincoln, but slowly seeing that he’s not actually that different to Daisy, and he makes her happy? And maybe inviting him to t’ai chi with her, to help control her powers? And him in turn helping give her some closure over Katya Belyakov/telling her that she really did make the only choice? They could’ve developed a mother/son bond just as beautiful as Daisy’s, if AoS had only tried. 

Then there’s Coulson. Daisy’s (basically) dad. We got to see a little bit of this, especially in the 3x14-15 era, but I would have loved to see even more of Coulson not-so-subtly threatening Lincoln, but grudgingly coming to accept him as a good agent (and, though he’d never admit it, kinda liking the guy.) Ugh, it could have been so funny and GOOD!!

Fitz and Jemma, to do them in a package deal, could also have been a GREAT BroTP with Lincoln if they had only actually developed it. I would have loved to see a) FitzSimmons initially distrusting Lincoln and being like “if you hurt Daisy...” and then eventually growing to bond with him over science and, well, adoring Daisy, b) a Lincoln-and-Simmons-specific friendship starting after Maveth, for example, Jemma can’t really be around her friends because they keep pitying her and trying to help and she doesn’t want that, so here’s someone new who’s nice and can also distract her with a common interest, and finally c) Lincoln and Fitz bonding over, oh, Daisy, and being ridiculously in love. Just. C’mon. It could’ve been WONDERFUL - and, just think about it, the picture of a Fitzsimmons-and-Lincoln triple alliance out-science-ing Daisy. FAB.

And Mack!! Someone who’s basically Daisy’s older brother, and, I do believe, another one for the Don’t-Hurt-Daisy pile. But Mack’s also very just, and an excellent judge of character, plus he was literally listening in on their first kiss, lmfao. So I think he’d be that “ugh AGAIN you two stop *eye roll*” big brother, but secretly be very happy for them. (I would’ve LOVED to see it, ahhhh.)

Then, of course, the Secret Warriors!! If anyone would listen, I could R A G E for days about how we only had one episode with the Secret Warriors, and that only barely before it all blew apart. But what snippets we had in that one episode!! Lincoln comforting Joey when he gets stressed before a mission. That’s canon. Now imagine Lincoln learning Spanish for both him and Elena (and so the three of them can fuck with Daisy.) And him encouraging them to follow Spanish traditions, because he picked up a lot of “traditions are important” culture from Afterlife. And, of course, them all going to Pride together to support Joey...

My point is just, there is so much MORE AoS could have done with Lincoln’s character, but especially his bonds with the other main cast. Instead of highlighting his relationship with Daisy, I would’ve preferred a lot more focus on his bonds with the rest of the gang. Because, most simply put, he’s a nice guy and loves Daisy - but that’s not all he is, and also, that love for Daisy would mean he WOULD go out of his way to bond with her family. (Point made.)

#3. It Conflicts With The S5 Time Paradox. During the Fallen Agent arc, all we’re hearing about is how time is fixed, and a death is inevitable. And then in season 5, we have the same thing with the time loop... except, they manage to break it then. We’re literally told, “there are many different futures.” And, cool. But, uh... that’s exactly what you guys didn’t say in season 3!!

Because someone saw a death, a death had to happen. My question is just: if the loop could have been broken in s5, why couldn’t the death have been avoided in s3?? It wouldn’t even have been that hard to make it still fit with the vision - Daisy can quake the controls to destroy them, then Lincoln pulls her out of the quinjet, but she leaves the jacket behind. Hive dies, but no-one else - and the best part is, that even still fulfils the original vision, because someone did die. Hive. Click boom.

And if I can figure that out, then, come on, surely AoS could have done so much better!! It just... really frustrates me, hrrrg.

#4. It Becomes A Plot Point To Hurt Daisy. We all like to joke about how much AoS hurts Daisy, but... this is extreme?? Like?? She only just went through probably the biggest trauma of her life, being freaking possessed, and now you want to make her lose someone she loves too? Cruel. 

The only real reason the Fallen Agent arc ever existed was, let’s be real, to force Daisy into that spiral of hurt and depression. And, like... she already had more than enough trauma just from Hive. Nobody would have blamed her for running away then - in fact, how very Daisy it would have been, leaving before she could hurt anyone else she loved.

And then, of course, we could have had Lincoln and the team working together to find her and bring her back, and, heyo, bonding!! It could also have been such a good point for Staticquake’s relationship, what with Lincoln helping Daisy recover after depression/withdrawal, because who better suited, and Daisy slowly forgiving herself and them becoming that much more of a deeply caring, solid ship.

So in short - though, 🙈🙈🙈, I suppose I should really say in long, because it would seem I am incapable of doing anything in a short fashion - I don't think anyone should be "glad" about Lincoln's death. If anything, we should all be FURIOUS, and super frustrated, because if he had only lived, there could have been so many excellent storylines, both bonding-wise and regarding THE ACTUAL PLOT (his powers could have been SO HELPFUL, just, argh). Lincoln Campbell should not have died, and I will stand by that till the day I die.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

#ask #you can say a lot of things to me but DON'T say you're glad Lincoln died #cause that's a really downright ARSEHOLE thing to do #and you will get lectured for it #at length #as shown here #and probably not talked to for a while #again as shown here #😤 #**lily rants #staticquake #defending staticquake #queue'll figure it out together

[sncwbaz]

idk what ur opinion is on it but ur the first acc I thought to message after I finished wayward son but leik.. I don’t think I’ve ever been so disappointed in a sequel like:(()( it was so depressing and toxic ??? and like to me it was so ooc for them to be like that like yes I’d understand some communication issues considering their past but there’s no doubt in my mind they’d get thru it and be as happy as they could together like:(;( I’m sad bro

hello! i’m so sorry you had such a negative experience with wayward son :(( 

(my answer is super long omg i’m sorry. it’s basically me just going into a whole character study and explaining my view on where the characters are at in wayward son and such and i’m sorry if it’s too much aksdjhksaj. please don’t take this as me going “i don’t have the same view as u and here’s why i think ur wrong” but pls take this as “i’m sorry u had a negative experience, here’s me explaining my view in hope that maybe you’ll be able to view wayward son in a bit more positive light”. pls know i think ur totally allowed to be disappointed and upset!! i just hope to ease your pain a bit, sorry if i failed miserably) 

when i started reading the book my heart Broke when i realised where the characters were at. however, as i kept reading the book i adjusted to it and personally i now really love the book for a lot of the things it did/explored. 

i don’t think it was out of character for them to be in this place. i mean.. both simon and baz have an extremely complicated past (both together and separate from the other, their pasts are… not great). 

simon has so much to work through; actual 18 years of trauma. and since he’s never in his life learned to communicate anything (he’s never even learned how to communicate with himself: he hides from any thought that he considers too complicated to unpack), he’s kind of having a rough go at working through all this. carry on ended on a positive point in simon’s ‘recovery’. but recovery is never just nice even steps upward. recovery also comes with extreme lows. wayward son starts in an extreme low. 

simon has lost his idea of self so completely that he doesn’t know how to be a friend or a boyfriend anymore. he doesn’t know how to face himself and he doesn’t want to be confronted by who he has become. this is why being with baz is so hard for him, because being with someone so intimately asks for a lot of vulnerability from someone.. and to be vulnerable with someone you have to completely show yourself. simon isn’t in a place where he can handle showing himself like that. not to baz, not to himself. you also see, in wayward son, that the moments he is intimate with baz, it’s in/after moments where simon did feel more sure about himself/ moments where he truly felt comfortable: so at the faire for example, but also after having been able to fly over the desert all day. these were moments where simon was just comfortably being himself and thus also comfortable with being intimate with baz. 

i think that it makes so much sense for simon to have such a complicated relationship with his sense of identity. in carry on this is already touched upon when baz asks if simon knew he was gay. in response to this, simon explains that he doesn’t know if he’s gay, because he never allowed himself to think about it. during simon’s time as the chosen one, he didn’t let himself be anything but the perfect picture of the chosen one. anything that didn’t fit that picture, he didn’t allow himself to think about. he never truly got to know himself. his identity revolved around what the mage needed from him. and now the mage is gone and no one is there to tell simon what simon needs to be, and he’s never learned how to Just Be, which leaves him in this completely lost state. 

to me it makes sense that simon cannot communicate this to baz (or penny). he’s never once in his life been taught what proper and healthy communication is. and penny and baz both suck at communication too. (penny cannot hear anything she doesn’t want to hear–which is explored in wayward son. and baz i’ll touch upon later)simon’s never actually properly been raised by anyone. he’s lived in different foster cares, and from what we know of those he’s never felt like he was safe there (he drops some hints about it in carry on. i’m pretty sure he says he always sleeps fully clothed in those cares and that he’s been in fist fights with any kid there who looked at him wrong). in wayward son we find out that trauma has blocked out most of his memories from living in foster care. so we can assume he never truly got to develop as a kid in a healthy way of communication in any way shape or form, there. it makes sense for simon to not feel secure of himself, which explains a lot of his behaviour in wayward son and which made it feel very in character to me. 

then there’s dear baz. he actually seems to be doing better in wayward son than he was in carry on. as simon says in wayward son, baz really has come into himself. baz seems to be more sure of himself than he ever was, which makes sense, now he doesn’t have to live up to this image his family created for him as  much anymore. but if there’s one thing baz still struggles with it’s being vocal about what’s going on inside his head. 

baz has been taught to hide big parts of himself away for pretty much all of his life. starting with being a vampire, then being gay, then being in love with the last person he probably should be in love with, might we also add that he’s always actually been a soft hearted boy, but had to take the role of an antihero? we might. through his family he’s become very adapt at shushing anything remotely troubling up. which is something he still carries with him. he’s also learned not to ask questions. if there’s he has a question about anything that also might make someone uncomfortable, he’s learned to just not ask. (which explains why he avoids making simon talk about his feelings. he doesn’t understand what’s going on with simon, but he’s been taught not to ask questions if he can sense they may cause people to feel uncomfortable, so he remains quiet.)

besides the fact that they both SUCK at communication, their past together has only ever revolved around fighting each other. it’s the only way they knew how to be around each other. and long with all that has changed since the mage died, this changed too. 

add all of these factors together and i think it is very in character for them to be at the place they are where we start with wayward son. 

this doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to watch them like that through. 

but i think that, knowing where these characters come from, they really had/have a lot to work through, with everything that happened in carry on. and i personally am glad that rainbow has decided to take the time to really give these characters the time they need to work through this, instead of having them magically be okay and ignore all the trauma they had to face in the past. 

it’s horrible to see them in a relationship that’s not truly heathy. but i think think they will grow into a healthier relationship. i really have hope that they’re working towards being more sure of themselves, which will help them become more sure (and thus healthy) in their relationship. i think that once simon gains more confidence in who he is, and once he stops running from every thought that makes him uncomfortable, he’ll learn how to speak his mind a lot better. (and i think simon really is growing to such a point. at the end of the book he came to the realisation that pretending he’s still part of the world of mages isn’t doing him good and that he is going to try and find work and become more independent, which is a choice that still made him sad, but it also felt right to him. having those thoughts were very confronting for him, but he didn’t push them away. the decision made him cry, but he also said it made him feel clean, which shows he’s confronting himself–finally–to move forward, no matter how painful)

rainbow rowell is not letting go of these characters yet. she’s not just gonna leave them like this, i fully believe this. i have hope that she’ll allow these characters to grow and recover to a point where they can have a fully healthy relationship (because i also really don’t believe simon and baz are incapable of a healthy relationship btw!! there were many moments in wayward son that showed them just being comfortable around each other, where it was purely simon’s insecurities that got in the way, and not the way they fit as people: like when baz was teaching simon how to drive. they really aren’t a bad match. they’re just in a bad place and don’t have the proper tools to help each other. but they’ll learn and grow and they’ll get there!!) 

i think that what this book did was show a deep low in their recovery process. this deep low is a necessary part of recovery. i think the way rainbow wrote about traumatised young adults was super respectful and accurate. i think she did it with a lot of respect for who these characters are and where they come from, and that she’s not finished with them yet. this is only the first step. but a very important one. 

the only thing that truly stresses me out about this book is the open ending. because oh man if we have to wait 4 more years to know how this continues i might just fully collapse. 

but yes, i think that, even though this book was harsh, it was a necessary step in their recovery. and i think that, besides the sadness of them being in such a low point of their relationship, this book still had many amazing moments that reminded me of why i love these characters so so much. 

i really hope you’ll start to feel more at peace with this book some day, and that you’ll find things in it that you can love it for. (not because i think that everyone should love this book, but because i genuinely wish for you that you could love this book)

i’m sorry for this super long answer, but i didn’t just want to answer “i’m sorry u didn’t enjoy the book, i had a different experience though”, because that felt unfair. 

lastly, here’s a link to a post where you can read a letter that rainbow wrote to us readers about wayward son, that might make you feel a little better too (it at least made me feel a little more at peace with the open ending) 

#anon #answered #wayward son #wayward son spoilers #this is probably full of spelling and grammar errors i hope i at least made a little sense #IM SORRY

[sellingmysoulforbts]

You're having second thoughts about your career choice. BTS x Reader Reaction

Genre: mild angst, fluff. College AU. Gender neutral.

Warnings: strong language, self degradation.

as requested by @erraticsoul

A/N: I just wanna say that it is okay to change your career path. You're really young when you are forced to choose what you want to do for the rest of your life and we sometimes make mistakes. The most important thing is that you are happy.

Kim Seokjin

He was there for you, every single time you needed that extra support. This madness began when you started having trouble with some of the subjects that you had to take in college. Thoughts like 'how can I become a professional if I can't solve this simple exercise?' clouded your brain. Jin came on time only to find you crying over your homework.

"Tell me, how am I supposed to do this my entire life?"

"By giving your best, like I know you do, and if that's not enough then it's probably not what you should be doing" he would answer.

Then he proceeded to tell you one of his terrible jokes about the subject your having trouble with. Like if you weren't having it with chemistry he'd go "hey, are you made of copper and tellurium? 'Cause you're CuTe" and if that didn't work, he'd always come to you with a new plate he's made in class because he definitely a culinary arts major.

Min Yoongi

He was confused, like he didn't get how you felt at all. Since he was really young he new what his goals were and started working really hard to achieve them. You, on the other hand, have thought about every single career path, none of them seemed to completely fulfill you. Like you went from wanting to be a model to a rocket scientist in the span of two months, so you knew as soon as you filled that application form to enter college, with whatever career you had landed eyes on at the moment you weren't going to stick to it. Yoongi would try so hard to help you find something you like and would like doing for the rest of your life, just like he did.

"Okay, how about being a teacher?" He suggested one time.

"But I'll have to know the subject first, so what can I teach?"

"Never mind" he said.

He would just enroll you in a bunch of classes that have nothing to do with your current major, just to see if you'd like any of it.

Wanting to become a producer was his lifelong dream, the feeling he got every time he got a step closer was something Yoongi wanted you to experience as well, so he'd never give up on you.

Jung Hoseok

He would be the one to notice and call you out on it. Hobi was a dance major, so he had practice almost every day and you'd come, even if it was late or skip classes to see him. At first he didn't think much about it, and he appreciated the effort you were putting into the relationship, but then you stopped coming like once a week or just skipping a class to have lunch together and began coming like three times a week, and he would see you around campus with friends when he knew you had class.

"Hey, I saw you today walking out of campus" he said one day, after he was done with practice and you were still there.

"Oh, really? I didn't see you, I'd have said hi. At what time did you see me?"

"While you were supposed to be in class" he answered, trying not to sound mad.

"Yeah, the professor cancelled it last minute, so I didn't really have time to tell you" you genuinely thought he was jealous because you were hanging out with boys, but he wasn't. You'd you really be here so late if you were cheating on him? No, and he knew you would never, but he was concerned.

"And has he cancelled classes all week, and last one?" He inquired.

His tone gave away he was implying that you had been skipping class for the whole month.

"No" you answered softly.

"Is everything okay?"

"No" you answered again. He took your hands as a way to show you his support. "Why?" "I just don't feel happy anymore, like when I first got in I was so sure this was what I wanted and now I find it hard and I'm really stressed. I've been looking for other career options and I might change majors so I guess I lost interest and just stopped making an effort to pass" you shrugged, he kissed your hands.

"It's okay. We're still very young and I want you to do something that makes you happy"

Kim Namjoon

You. Felt. Dumb. You were having such a hard time in some classes, and not understanding anything your teacher said. At first you just worked a little harder and visited your professor to ask some questions, but seeing your classmates getting good grades or putting a minimum effort to understand, made you feel out of place and dumb, like actually stupid. Namjoon was an extremely intelligent human being, and that's no secret. He was an English major, and an outstanding student.

He was going to surprise you, you had been busy all week with schoolwork and he knew how hard you worked so he gave you your space, but it was Friday and he missed you like crazy. He didn't expect, when he walked into your apartment, to see you crying over your homework. Like actually balling your eyes out. Your brain was so chemically imbalanced at the moment that you barely felt arms wrapping around your sobbing form.

He managed to calm you down a little bit, and finally asked what's wrong.

"I can't do it Namjoon, I actually am incapable of doing it. I'm just a stupid piece of shit who can't even solve her homework. Why am I even trying at this point? I'm going to fail because my brain does not have the capacity to understand this subject" you basically yelled out and broke down crying again. He was so pained to see you like that and hearing that horrible things from your mouth broke his heart.

"Shh, don't say that baby, you are not dumb" "of course you'd say that, mister my IQ is 148, I only get As with minimum effort. I've being working on this thing for a week. A WEEK, and I can't do it. My teacher is sick of me for going every single day to ask him something." You were getting angry at this point, not with him but with yourself. Maybe throw in your parents as well for making you this way, but not at him, never at him, even though your words proved otherwise.

"Baby, look at me." He said. You shook your head embarrassed at your attitude.

He squatted right in front of you and took your face in his hands, dried your tears and smiled.

"You are not dumb, not because you have to work a little harder does it mean you're less capable of doing something. Besides, you're so far from stupid. When I look at you I see a wonderful human being, smart and kind, and that's what I love about you. Your perspective on the world, and your unique way of understanding things." He told with a sincere voice and that made you smile a little. "Also, I do put effort into my work but I like what I do so much that I doesn't feel like it, now tell me, do you like what you're doing?" He asked. " I don't know anymore" "okay how about this? Let's take a break right now, we go grab something to eat, we get back, cuddle, watch a movie. Just relax and not think about college for a while. And we can discuss this in the morning with a fresh mind."

Park Jimin

He was mostly sad, you didn't choose this for yourself, it was your parents dream. He would just try and comfort you, by hugging you and whispering words of encouragement. You were sad, angry and scared. You couldn't do what you wanted because your parents didn't support you but you also didn't want to disappoint them.

"I'm so sick of this Jimin, I don't think I can keep doing this." You said one day, you had to study for your upcoming tests but finding motivation was hard.

He couldn't fully comprehend your dilemma, his parents were super supportive.

"I know baby, but the semester is almost over."

"And then comes the next, and one after that, and on and on, not to mention the years ahead of me of working in this" you wanted to cry, just let out your frustration.

"Hey, how about, you start taking classes for what you really want, until you build up the courage to talk to them." He suggested. "I don't know I'm so scared." Your voice broke a little. His caring instincts kicking in immediately, so he hugged you. "It okay, I'm sure what they want is for you to be happy and have a safe future financially, that's why you're here, but you can prove to them that you'll succeed doing whatever you want, and I'm here to support you every step of the way. I believe in you, and besides I'm quite thankful to your parents for picking that for you or we might have never met."

"You're right" and with him by your side you had the motivation you needed.  

Kim Taehyung

It was hard, Tae, your boyfriend, always seemed to have more free time, and enjoy his college experience way more than you did. He was one of the few things you were grateful for, during your time in college. The little study dates you had were like the only way to get you to open a book, and they were a 2x1 deal for him. Taehyung was an art history student and it required to read a lot so he could do his school work and spend time with you. You weren't irresponsible or anything but you started to wonder if you chose your career right, because the lack of motivation was really dragging you down. You were in the coffee shop you usually went with Taehyung to study just contemplating how you wanted your life to look in ten years, when he came.

"Hey" he said. "Hi" you answered still a little distraught. "Did you order?" You nodded in response. "Is everything o-" he started but you soon interrupted him "how did you know what you wanted to study?" "well my school took us to a museum for a school trip once, and I was fascinated by the art, but also intrigued as to what led the painters to do such masterpieces and I guess I got hooked on that. Why?" "I'm just not sure with what I'm doing,I never had a revelation moment so I just went with what sounded the least unpleasant at the moment" "Well how about we finish here and we can go find some counselling for you?" "You think I should change majors?" "Baby, when was the last time you felt happy and satisfied with your work and what you learned?" He asked and you grew quiet at that. "Exactly. What you do for the rest of your life has to be something that you enjoy and you're clearly not enjoying this." So you did just that, found help to discover what makes you happy.

Jeon Jungkook

I mean he would be kinda disappointed that you didn't told him first thing and that he had to discover it for himself. You were thinking and rethinking if you had made the right choice, so you turned yourself into a little help from the internet, trying thing from quizzes all the way to astrological birth charts, of course when he wasn't around.

As you were spending the weekend together doing homework and watching movies, he stumbled upon a word he didn't quite know the meaning of. He was studying animation, and taking classes for film production, but he was trying to do some homework for an English class.

"Babe, can I use your phone real quick? Mine ran out of battery" he asked. "Sure, what for?" "I just want to Google this word" he said and have you that bunny smile, you handed him the phone unblocked, not worrying in the slightest. He got it,and quickly clicked on the  navigator, as he was about to type he peeked at your search history, things like 'how to choose your major', 'how do I know if I made the right decision','best careers based on your zodiac sign' that last one made him chuckle but he was generally preoccupied, because something was definitely wrong. He made a mental note to talk to you about it. Jungkook quickly made the research and completed his task. He then approached you, to give it back to you. You were just in the couch reading something, as he handed you the phone with a smile you sensed something off. "So, what's the best career for a virgo?" He wondered. It took a minute for it to click. "Kook…" you trailed of, not sure as to what to say. He sat down next to you. "Why wouldn't you tell me?" "I just- I was.. am so confused. I believe I chose what I did for a reason but now I'm not so sure and it been going on for a while. I guess I didn't want to bother you with stupid problems like that." You told him. He just shook his head. "That's why I am your boyfriend, so you can come to me with whatever is bothering you and we can fix it together cause we're a team, and it works the other way around too." "You're right, sorry" "It's okay, but promise me you will from now on" " I will, I promise" you smiled at him and he answered back "now that that's out of the way, let's find your perfect major" and with a kiss on your cheek, you then proceed to go through a lot of lists and quizzes a lot of websites suggested, together.

~~

a/n: I’m so sorry this took so long but the scenario really hit home and I got distracted, anyways i hope you enjoy it and like it. 

gifs not mine

#bts imagine #bts imagines #bts reactions #bts request #bts jin #bts jimin #bts suga #bts v #bts jungkook #bts jhope #bts rm #kim seokjin #kim taehyung #kim namjoon #min yoongi #jung hoseok #park jimin #jeon jungkook #jungkook imagine #taehyung #taehyung imagine #jimin imagine #rm imagines #hobi imagine #suga imagines #jin imagine

[gguksgalaxy]

X. Conclude | Horror!Au

<< Previous | Masterpost

›› Au: Horror / Gore (non canon) ›› Genre: Angst ›› Rating: 18+ explicit (sexual content + violence) ›› Characters: BTS + Reader x PJM ›› Word Count: 3.1k Warnings Include: Psychological distress and manipulation, blood, mild and severe injuries, character death, poison, fracture, necrosis.

Before you could say anything, the wall clicked and the metal slowly, but surely, moved aside. The room was bright, and you all had to shield you eyes to it. You stumbled inside, blinking to try and steady your sight.

There was, a body, a person. “Jungkook!” you called, finding his lifeless body slumped on the floor. Everyone called his name as you dropped down by his body. “Jungkook?” You shook him, trying to wake him up, but there was no response. “Jungkook!”

“Stop.” Yoongi called grabbing your arm as you kept shaking him. “STOP!”

You stilled, looking at the boy on the floor. His head was lulled to the side, lips parted, and eye still swollen. But his cheeks, were red, flushed almost. You looked around the room, trying to find any clue as to what had happened. “He was just awake, I heard him, on the other side of the door. I heard him, he called for help!”

“I know, I heard him too. Shhh.” Yoongi shushed you as you suddenly broke out in tears, pulling you closer with his good arm. You looked down to find his skin almost molten, bleeding heavily. “He’s just asleep, he was awake, he pulled himself all the way over to that door. He made it, he’s going to be okay.”

Maybe you felt protective over the younger, but you just couldn’t, this situation was too much. You’d assumed he was gone, hoped that he’d die so that he wouldn’t have to suffer. And here he was, alive.

“Guys, his legs.” Jimin said from where he’d helped Hoseok sit down against the wall. “Oh my God.”

You looked down Jungkook’s body, shirt drenched in sweat, jeans ripped and - His knees. His knees were visible from where his jeans were torn. They were swollen, bloody, purple, most likely broken from when he’d collapsed. You could basically see where his kneecap had shattered and shifted to the side. “Shit, do we do something?”

“Take off his shoes.” Jimin ushered, as Yoongi helped him. “Shit, oh shit that’s bad.” One of his feet was swollen and turning purple. “Fuck, we can’t - there’s nothing we can do. If he broke something if there’s a piece of bone — if anything is obstructing the blood flow to his leg...He’s going to loose it.”

Your chest tightened in another sob. “Fuck, I thought-“ you thought you’d find the exit, but here you are, stuck in some other room.

“We need to get him to a hospital, Hoseok too. Yoongi needs to get his chest checked. You are all in need of help. You need to get out of here as soon as we possibly can.” Jimin spoke, hand on yours. “But we need to stay calm. Right now, there’s nothing we can do until further instructions.” Jimin looked at you with tears in his eyes, he looked frightened beyond any point you’d even seen him. He knew, just as well as you did, that tonight, you were going to die here.

You couldn’t do anything but cry and slowly nod as you sat by Jungkook. His hands were covered in scrapes and bruises and you held it in yours, hoping he’d show some sign of consciousness soon. “It’s going to be okay.” You whispered. “You’re going to be okay. Yoongi will get you out of here”

Yoongi was checking on Hoseok, saying something about his speech being extremely slurred and his eyes keep rolling back in his head. “If he has brain damage I swear to Go-“ Yoongi's left hand hung limply by his side, blood dripping down from his fingers — so much. The skin around the bracelet was swollen and blistered and you could still smell it.

“He made the decision himself,” you mumbled, adverting your gaze from the wound.. “He said he couldn’t do the obvious choices, so I gave him this one. You know he would’ve died choosing Jin’s, and we didn’t know Jungkook’s before. We had no idea Yoongi. Don’t accuse me. It might be that he’s just in shock.”

“I’m glad I’m leaving you behind.” Yoongi muttered, and by this point it couldn’t even hurt you anymore.

You were going to die, you and Jimin, were going to die. How, you didn’t know, but there was no way you were getting out of here. Yoongi had made his decision, he would take his friends, and leave behind the two of you. You felt scared, and numb at the same time, and you just cried even as Jimin pulled you against his chest and tried to shush you for a bit.

It was then, that you noticed something on the floor, a syringe. You looked over your shoulder to find another one. Wait. “He was in here.” You sniffled, trying to dry your tears. “The game master, he was in here, he drugged Jungkook.” You pointed at both syringes. “He can’t be far away!”

Yoongi shrugged. “So what, you think we can fight him? He’s probably armed. Would be stupid if he wasn’t. He’ll open the door, he has to.”

You swallowed thickly, the darkness in Yoongi’s voice was clear. You were already dead to him.

The intercom crackled again, and it was then, that Jungkook stirred beside you, face contorting in pain. “My legs.” He groaned.

“Well, well Yoongi. I’m not sure if I had expected you to be so…selfish, but you’ve made your decision. A smart one to choose Jungkook, I was surprised that you caught on to the fact that you’d be able to get him back. The boy woke up from the paralytic, so I had to come in and give him an extra dose. You almost caught me right there. Luckily I control all these doors, and all these rooms. And all of your precious little lives.”

As they spoke, you and Jimin slowly dragged Jungkook closer to the wall, where Hoseok was. The younger cried out in pain, fingers digging into Jimin's leg as Jimin pulled his upper body into his lap. 

“Right there, when I gave Yoongi a task, I gave him a little taste of how it feels to control a life. Tell me Min Yoongi, how does it feel?”

Yoongi shook his head, forcing his eyes closed and grabbing his hair. “FUCK YOU!” he screamed, and Jungkook flinched away from him, turning his body and banging his shattered knees against your body.

Jungkook wailed in pain, and you and Jimin shot over to console him. “Shh Jungkook, it’s okay, it’s okay. Yoongi is going to get you out of here, and you’re going to go to a hospital. And they’ll take care of you.” Jimin whispered, running his fingers through his friend’s hair.

The younger looked confused. “What about you?” he mumbled, voice worn down like the rest of him.

“Anger is not a way to react, but I can understand that you’re trying to cover up what you’re actually feeling. Your heart rate is elevated, you’re stressed, you’re upset, you miss your friends. But realise that they all died due to incapability to atone for their sins. To atone for the bad in them. Nobody is good in this world, everyone is bad, a sinner, a waste of space.”

For a second, you hoped they would speak on, that they would give away more of their identity. Because after all, people were still watching. And maybe so, maybe someone would recognise this person’s idea’s so that they could be reported.

“You know what the thing is Yoongi. You were so, so greedy. Why did you make the decision to let yourself leave, if you could’ve let y/n or Jimin leave instead of you? Do you value your life so much more than theirs?”

They way they spoke, they way they formed their words. You knew. Yoongi had failed his task, and punishment was coming. But it wasn’t death, no, that wouldn’t make sense. Because if it was death, then his bracelet would’ve already triggered. No, this room was special, it was different. Jungkook was here, a token of hope, a repeat to the same room for no other reason than for you to see Jungkook again.

What if Yoongi hadn’t realised Jungkook might still be alive. Would you still have been let through the door? What if you had, and you’d seen Jungkook’s body here, alive, capable of making it out, but Yoongi hadn’t chosen him and he would’ve had to die here. He would’ve never forgiven himself. And you wondered, if he would’ve ever forgiven himself for leaving you and Jimin behind. You really wondered what was going on in his head.

But something was coming, and Jimin tried to shush Jungkook who was coming up with way too many questions, and sobs, and tears right now.

“Min Yoongi, I am sad to inform you, that you have failed to atone for your sin.”

Yoongi almost flinched at the words, doubling over and pressing his forehead against the concrete. “No.” He whispered, almost as if he knew what was going to happen. “No, don’t let them die in here. Please let me die. I will die, if you just let them get out of here. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for being selfish. I just - Please, take me, don’t take them.” He begged, sobbing, and Jungkook craned his head to look at him.

“Yoongi?” He whispered.

You shook your head, holding Jungkook’s hand in one and Jimin’s in the other. Hoseok had gone past consciousness again, and you thought it might be for the better at this point.

“I will give you one last chance, Min Yoongi. I am making an exception for you, and for you only. So do not take this lightly.”

He shook his head, over and over, crying. “I won’t, I won’t.”

Jimin squeezed your fingers, other hand rubbing circling on Jungkook’s arm to try and calm him down. “I’m afraid.”

“I know, me too.” You said.

“Look at your bracelets. As I mentioned before, they are all attached to your arm with a mechanism that cannot be opened by you. There are needles in your arm that can inject a poison into  your bloodstream the moment I press a simple button. What I did not mention, is that there is two different poisons inside there. One, is rat poison, it is what killed Seokjin. It damages your vitamin K cycle and so your body’s ability to cauterise your wounds. It will also damage the capillaries in your body causing them to break. You will literally bleed to death, internally, and it will be slow, and painful. As you’ve witnessed.”

“The other poison that’s inside your bracelet, is much more…humane. It consists of three things, similar those used to euthanise people. First, you will grow unconscious, then your muscles will stop working including those that control your lungs, and then your heart will be stopped. This death, is painless, and easy. It will all let you off as if you’re going to sleep, peacefully.”

You were growing increasingly worried, and Jungkook’s eyes were so wide and terrified, he looked like a young child right there. Tears were streaming down either sides of his face, and he kept muttering something about not being able to feel his foot. Jimin was leaning towards you, face buried into your shoulder, listening carefully to every word.

“So Min Yoongi, the choice is up to you. When I finish my speech, the door to a hallway that leads outside will open within 7 seconds. Then, you have 7 minutes to decide your faith, and that of your friends. Outside, there’s cops waiting, they have no way to enter this building without harming you since the door is closed very tightly. You are only able to open it from the inside with code 403. The cops will take you to a hospital as soon as you exit. I have already made my grand escape as I speak. If you choose to leave the room, all your friends will die peacefully without feeling any pain.”

“It’s him or us.” Jimin whispered. “He has to sacrifice himself.”

You shook your head. “No, Jimin, we’re going to die.”

“If you choose to stay, for whatever reason. May it be that you do not want to live with the idea that you’ve killed your own friends for the rest of your life. Or may it be out of fear for something else. If you do not exit this room within 7 minutes, you and all your friends will die by rat poison. Painfully, and slowly.”

“Make your choice Min Yoongi, do not be greedy.”

You were stunned, silence, as was everyone else in the room. Jimin, Jungkook, Hoseok who’d managed to crack his eyes open by your side. You were going to die, this was it, the end of the line, the end of life. After this, there would be nothing, emptiness, death. At this point, you couldn’t cry anymore, you couldn’t cry over the thought of dying, because it’s all you’ve been thinking about in the back of your head for the past whatever since Yoongi was so selfish.

If it hadn’t been for Yoongi, if he hadn’t chosen to take himself, if he had chosen anybody else. Jungkook and Hoseok would’ve lived, and you or Jimin would’ve lived. You wouldn’t have had to die. It’s all his fault.

“WHAT IF I PASSED?! WHAT WOULD”VE HAPPENED?!” Yoongi screamed between his sobs as the door slid open into a fully lit hallway with a black door at the end. You could see the numeric lock on the handle.

“Oh, it was easy. All you had to do, was not pick yourself, and all of you would’ve gotten a ticket to the exit. Each and every single one of you. Jungkook, Hoseok, Jimin, y/n, and you. You just had to go and fuck it all up, and now all your friends are going to die." 

"I have to leave, I cannot stay for the cops might arrest me and I do not want that. But I do certainly hope that you take this last chance. 5 minutes left.”

“Goodbye!”

The intercom clicked off. Jungkook was looking up at, you nose running from all the crying, chest heaving up and down quickly. “I don’t want to die, please I don’t want to die anymore. I know I said it was okay, but I’m terrified and I don-“

“Shhh.” You brushed his hair out of his face, still holding his hand. “Shhh, Jungkook. I’m right here, Jimin’s right here, we're not leaving you again.”

Yoongi moved and you looked up as he managed to lift himself up. For a moment you thought he was going to leave, but he shuffled over to Hoseok. He knelt in front of his best friend, pulling him into his embrace and crying into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry Hobi, I’m so so so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen, I wanted to take you with me, I wanted to leave with you. I’m sorry I was so selfish. And I’ll never forgive myself for letting you die. Please forgive me.”

Hoseok couldn’t properly form words, but he was crying as his friend did. “Tell family I - I - love.”

“I know, I will tell them, okay, I promise.” Yoongi cried, and you weren’t sure whether Hoseok wasn’t going to forgive him, or whether he just couldn’t understand or say it. Yoongi would never know. “Jungkook.” he said, turning himself and coming over to you. He brushed his hand through the younger’s hair. “I’m so sorry.”

Jungkook looked away from him. “You have to talk to Taehyung’s family — all of our families. You have to Yoongi. Please take care of them.”

“I will, I promise.” Yoongi nodded, standing up, swaying on his feet, looking back towards the door. “I - I have to go, I have to. I’m so sorry. Even to you Jimin, and y/n. Both of you, for everything.”

His eyes focused on Jimin, and then on you, mouthing another silent sorry. And you knew what it was for. For breaking you and Jimin. For letting Jimin die thinking that his girlfriend and his friend cheated on him. For everything.

You adverted your gaze, and watched Jimin. Your boyfriend came closer to you, soft cries and sniffles into your shoulder. “I love you. I know what you did was wrong, but I haven’t had enough time to stop loving you. So please know that I love you, and that I think I always will.”

“I love you too Jimin, I always have.” You cried, holding onto both him and Jungkook for dear life.

Yoongi’s footsteps were loud, and then stopped, he turned to look back, at the three of you on the other side of the room, and then to Hoseok. He turned back, and your eyes grew wide, knowing he was running out of time. You wanted to scream, yell at him to fucking go, to get his ass out of here so you could at least die in peace. But all he did was kneel down by his friend again, who looked at him with droopy eyes that almost didn't seem to notice what was going on in the room. He took his hands, and placed them over where yours were intertwined with Jimin's and Jungkook's. 

Then, when Hoseok was snug beside you, and Jimin had taken his hands tightly. Only then, he left. He stumbled away, body heavy from blood loss. You didn’t look at him, you didn’t want to see outside. 

You looked at Jimin, who was staring at your features, absolutely terrified. Jimin, with his beautiful eyes and soft lips and bright smile. The person you loved the most, the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. The person you'd broken in here, and who had regardless of that, still held you through everything.

For a split second, you considered confessing, you considered telling him it was all a lie and let Yoongi die with you. But you couldn’t, because you didn’t want Jimin to die in pain. You couldn’t do that to him. “Jiminnie?” you whispered softly, pressing your lips against his temple.

He looked up briefly, eyes red from crying. “Yeah?”

“You know I love you right? Please tell me you know I love you.”

For a split second, he was silent, scanning your features as you heard Yoongi stumble through the long hallway. “Yeah, I know, I love you too.”

And then you looked at Jungkook, who’d closed his eyes tightly, bruising your fingers with his grip. Jungkook, the youngest of you who you all still loved to pretend was innocent. Who'd left the house at 2am because you and Jimin were being way too loud. Jungkook who'd been a great gaming buddy for you, since Jimin sucked. He was crying loudly, face pressed against your thigh, breaths so irregular he was on the edge of hyperventilating.

Hoseok on the other hand seemed peaceful, eyes closed and grip light over top of all your hands. You hoped he was just asleep. You didn't know him too well, but he was bright, colourful, and always there for everyone. He was a welcomed presence that brought lightness and joy. And here he was, half dead, going to die.  

The beeping noise of the lock was so audible in the room, so sudden. 4, 0, 3. And then beep, beep, beep.

Nothing happened, and Yoongi rattled the door. So you turned to look, finding him pounding the door and screaming in fear. "LET ME OUT!"

Part of you wanted to scream, to run over to Yoongi to try and make it out, to find a way for the cops to hold open the doors. But by the way your vision was swaying you knew it was no use. It was already too late. You tried to will away your fear, and focus on your friends, focus on Jimin. But you cried, and you couldn't stop as Jungkook's cries slowly calmed down. 

There was another sharp stab in your arm, and all three of you made a small noise together at the feeling.

What happened next, went fast. You started to feel lightheaded, eyes trained on Yoongi who was by the door. Your vision grew blurry, foggy, until eventually, the last thing you saw was the light streaming in through the open door.

#atonement #bts scenario #bts au #bts fic #bts reaction #mywriting #jungkook #taehyung #jimin #yoongi #seokjin #namjoon #hoseok #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts story #bts jimin #horror #gore #au

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[the-lost-lieutenant]

So here’s the haps. Not happy haps as it turns out. 

I’ll put it under a read more and classify it as ‘negative’ so it can be filtered.

TL;DR is: Stuff’s been a bit tough lately and it’s been affecting me a lot. In the next month it’s only going to get tougher and more hectic. I will be vastly over-worked and potentially under-slept. So if I am unreasonably slow, sporadic, and/or literally not making sense sometimes. That’s why, and I just ask for your patience. 

So work has been wearing me out and killing me a bit. Essentially what has happened is that the production has been so mismanaged at this point, that we’re now kinda fucked. I’m not allowed to go into much detail about it, but essentially what is now happening is that the work we were originally managing to do in 1 month, we’ve now been given 1 week to do. It’s actually impossible. My supervisors say it, everyone knows it, but no one does anything about it because of ‘hard deadlines’ for Netflix. 

So basically we’re fucked? Yeah, we’re fucked. 

I have no extra time to give to it for reasons I’ll get into in a sec, but I still have been. I stay late at the studio many days, come home exhausted, eat some poor excuse for a dinner and then I go to crafting. 

Crafting is it’s own disaster right now.

A few months back, I didn’t get into a show that is normally where my small business makes most of it’s profit for the year. It was a whole big debacle, but I wound up being 17th on the waiting list. I was really mad at myself for the whole thing, and was very upset. There’s only 60 tables so I figured 17th on the waiting list was impossible. Cause nearly a third of people would have to drop out, which would never happen. It’s a great con.

This hit me personally very hard. It was actually where my activity here first became a bit sporadic cause I was in a bad place. I closed myself off to a lot of stuff in all aspects of my life. I told myself I would continue to craft casually for myself and I did a tiny bit but not really cause I have zero motivation and the whole thing just upset me a lot.

About a month after I managed to pull myself out. I accepted that I would likely have to close my small hobby business come next tax season and maybe it was a good thing to give myself a break anyway and just focus on other parts of my life and hobbies that always got shoved aside for lack of time. Mainly, art, writing and just generally taking care of myself. I was actually starting to feel good again.

Two weeks after that (about a month and a half later) I got an email saying they had a table for me at the con if I wanted it. What I assume happened, in hindsight, is that a lot of people dropped out of the wait-list and that’s how I got bumped up. 

I took inventory and accepted the table. But it left me with one month and a half to do about 3 months of work while having a full time job that was already wearing me out. Then the aforementioned shit hit the fan at my full-time job, and I have been feeling often like I am drowning since. Just typing this all out right now, my hands are shakey. 

On top of it all I have been dealing with some social troubles, and overall feelings of inadequacy for nearly everything in my life, I assume further magnified from being over-stressed. 

Just this last week, I was informed, that my grandfather was having a severe decline in health and that he would likely pass away soon. 

He passed away this Sunday evening which I was informed of while in a Dollarama doing errands yesterday, and had to try to save face while out in the public and on the bus, until I made it home and got some privacy to y’know, breakdown. I am still kicking myself for not contacting him through my Uncle over the weekend to tell him I love him, but it is very difficult to talk to a loved one who does not remember who you are anymore and that you at one point had meant something to them. And admittedly I let it cow me from doing it in time. 

It’s all left me with an extreme lack of motivation for literally everything. A lot of things have become a drudge to try to do. Generally I’m managing alright once I get into something, but that initial effort to do things has been killing me. Even writing this all now has been very difficult. I look at the length it’s become and think, no one will want to read any of this, it’s pointless and I am just complaining and being a drain on others, even though I am trying to be matter-of-factly and concise (which I’m bad at). 

Essentially, focusing at work is hard, all I want to do is be at home writing or crafting. By the time I get home, I’m so tired, that when I’m crafting all I want to do is be writing, when I’m trying to write, all I want to be doing is drawing, when I’m drawing all I want to be doing is playing ME:A, when I give myself the small break to play ME all I want to be doing is sleeping or watching Netflix brainlessly. When I’m watching Netflix I feel pointless. I actually turned it off yesterday and just sat there. I sat there doing nothing because it felt so much better than anything else. Then I feel guilty for not being productive, then I sleep and feel like shit. 

I am so burned out right now, I just want to set the world on fire. Cause at least then I’d be warm at work. Instead they are trying to kill me with the AC, despite it being cold weather for the last week. I still have a month to go before hard deadlines and the con is past, and I’m just so tired. 

I’m really sorry it all has really been affecting my ability to write and get posts out. I love the threads I have with people, but I’ve just been so incapable of tapping into anything good lately. Everything I write I feel like it’s trash and not good enough. Sometimes, I feel like people know it’s trash and would rather not be stuck with me or the thread. I don’t want to go on hiatus because writing when I can manage might be the only thing keeping me sane right now. And I worry that if I did, I’d come back and have been forgotten about, cause I’m just some stupid OC, afterall. 

I’m just hoping people can bare with me until the end of May. And I’m praying that once I can breathe again then, that things will get at least a tiny bit easier. 

#||~ lost in thought (ooc) #A self-PSA #negative #Sometimes life fives you lemons #Sometimes it just smacks you #I am poetic #**gives you lemons (fucking typos)

[jumpingjackconst]

.

after staying up all night on legal speed fucking around not eating not reading I still have yet to get anything done of substance while I have a presentation for my senior seminar today at 10:50am and am most likely failing my film theory class where I skipped out on giving a presentation for my proposal for our final research paper of which I haven’t even picked the fucking movie yet or watched a movie on the list of options or done fucking anything worthwhile except stay up all night on the internet, watching videos listening to podcasts, not eating, living unhealthy lifestyle and just otherwise being a miserable piece of shit I haven’t told most of my friends at school that I’m not graduating this semester which is a laugh and I’m completely incapable of handling anything with any kind of urgency maturity seriousness or exertion and my mental health is deteriorating at an alarming rate and I don’t know how to even begin to do anything about it ongoing bouts of depression extremely dark thoughts suicidal ideation magical thinking erratic/compulsive/novelty seeking behavior rapid loss of interest in most things the feeling that everyone around me secretly dislikes me talks about the things they don’t like about me behind my back hearing people laughing and thinking it’s about me worsening social anxiety obsessive almost spectrum-like behavior & thought patterns inability to communicate succinctly with friends students teachers strangers unable to rationalize behavior unable to think clearly unable to get basic tasks done thoughtlessly spending money on shitty food to stress eat binge drinking even in th e middle of the week or early afternoon the feeling that people are watching my every move word and breath for things that are wrong or weird seeing people saying hi or waving or nodding and feeling like the exchange was unequal awkward or forced feeling like other people look at me differently feeling like I’m not normal and don’t know how to be personable or more easygoing like most people alienating friends not answering texts or calls delving into endless hours of youtube videos or Wikipedia or times articles or other random useless bullshit feeling like my every waking breath is a waste of time feeling sullen tired exhausted sad constantly wistful pathetic nostalgia for times in high school or cool nights near the water in the summer or school plays times when things were easier and life was less complicated feelings of inferiority feelings of inadequacy feelings of failed potential letting down my parents friends and teachers people I look up to realizing my life probably won’t be great or even very significant like i always assumed it would be realizing how badly I’ve continued to fuck things up every since getting expelled from Suffolk missing friends I don’t talk to as much anymore feeling guilt and sadness over past indiscretions and ways I’ve neglected or mistreated people wishing I could be less aloof more friendly personable naturally funny wishing I was someone who makes easy conversation and never makes people feel uneasy or uncomfortable wishing I was I could relate to people more or that they could relate more to me wishing I could just make some more friends and avoid the crushing loneliness that creeps up every night when I find myself alone at 2am doing nothing and being no one and having nothing to do or say or think about and no one to talk to wondering if my childhood had gone differently that I’d be a different person maybe someone naturally cool someone people want to be around and talk to and spend real meaningful time with thinking back to freshman and sophomore years when I was so fucking lonely and felt awful and alone all the time and felt trapped and unhappy and miserable feeling like those times are back now even though I shouldn’t feel that way because I have some more friends but coming to the conclusion that I feel just as alone, just as sad and pathetic and despicable, helpless like a lost pet constantly scanning rooms when I walk into them looking at people seeing if I recognize anyone someone I know or someone I’ve seen online looking for people to see if they’re looking at me looking at people to gauge how attractive they are or what kind of person they are what they do where they go who their friends wanting to meet people and talk to them and make friends with people that seem interesting or fun or exciting and feeling pathetic for having such pitiful thoughts and being awkward and lame wondering what other people do in their spare time wondering what kinds of parties they go my first party wasn’t until this year feeling like I’m a particularly different kind of fuckup but realizing im really no different than a lot of people and chastising myself for thinking I’m somehow special even in my flaws wondering where people go to parties fantasizing about going to large parties and meeting people I’ve known peripherally for years here but never talked to making friends chatting people up drinking being seen as a normal person someone approachable who people feel comfortable talking to and want to talk to  thinking about death what comes after death famous authors artists musicians who killed themselves slyvia plath david foster wallace john berryman virginia woolf hart crane mark rothko ian curtis nick drake spaulding gray brilliant minds boundless creativity passion life unable to continue finding themselves hopeless despondent ending their lives in sad or ordinary or dramatic ways trying not to romanticize suicide but also unable to shake the ways it seems to give meaning to their lives or work a perfect bookend trying not to think about death trying instead to think about my family and friends but positive thoughts only bringing momentary relief like taking an aspirin for a bullet wound a nagging ever present fogginess in my brain that appears and reappears and never stops coming back always coming back even during times of happiness it waits then reappears feeling it creep up slowly the feeling of despair uselessness desperation ugliness can’t stop picking at my skin making blemishes on my worse waking up some days and looking like a dead or dying person the paleness the lack of life feeling lethargic even after a solid night’s sleep feeling hungry all day not eating enough not putting in enough effort to get three meals a day planning out meals to optimize social conditions because of crippling fear of embarrassment and public humiliation and being seen as awkward or strange lying to my mom lying to my dad listening to music and fantasizing about being a musician performing in front of people being admired and sought after being creative making things people enjoy feeling like a fucking loser for having such thoughts but having them anyway replaying social interactions that just happened except saying the right things or making better conversation or saying something really funny or insightful constantly overhearing conversations and sometimes wanting to join in be a part of the conversation or just have someone look at me like I fucking exist and not ask me why I’m here or what I’m doing here

[x-purpose]

...Whatever people say about Tumblr RP, being on a publicly open Discord RP server makes me appreciate the general quality of writing and largely non-shitty people I see here.

Under the cut is... really more of a cathartic rant than anything, that probably goes a bit far, but it’s at least part of a reason I’ve been unable to cope with much and have been sticking to RPing with people I know well.

Yeah, I’ve not been around yet again.  I’m not even going to make excuses this time.  I’m finding it really hard to keep up with things.  I’m stressed, wound up, and maybe it’s stupid but the political situation here in the UK (haha, how long will it be that?) is really getting to me.  Nothing seems real, everything feels like a sham, no one has a solution, but since admitting “I don’t know” or “I was wrong” like a reasonable and mature adult is seen to be political suicide all anyone will do is double down on their old line no matter how frayed it gets.  It’s sunk cost fallacy applied to the whole process, and that cost is the entire country’s economy, industry, political confidence and international ties and reputation.  We’re going to go through an extremely rocky time, at the very best outcome, because no one is willing to either: bite their arrogant puffed-up tongues, sit down in a serious negotiation with “the enemy”, and get that deal you say you want so badly, or: admit that this will be more difficult than we thought, sorry, the promises we gave on how easy and good for the country this would aren’t materialising, our bad, it’s possible you voted on bad information and let’s be sure we collectively think the consequences are worth it and have a fully informed referendum this time, or: get the many, many people who oppose the current government, their negotiating strategy, and I don’t know maybe object to the fact that the current Prime Minister was found in court to have broken the law towards having his own agenda go forward unopposed and looks like he is planning to do it again, and take down the shaky from the beginning, still short-lived government that was voted in by a single party, and swallow their pride and form some kind of crisis coalition to stop everything going to hell in a handbasket. 

So times are going to be tough, and that drives people towards the very conservative isolationism that got us into this mess in the first place, and the further right we swing the more worried I’ll get.  Because as soon as things go wrong, or even simply not as goodd as they promised, they’ll need a stab-in-the-back narrative.  “Traitor” gets thrown around a disturbing amount these days.  And I know I’m an undesirable.  Benefits scrounger, too mentally ill to fit in, generally incapable of contributing towards Our Great Nation on any terms a populist government would understand.  I’m far from the top of the Big List of Fascist Targets, but I’m in the middle somewhere and I know and openly support many people higher up.  I’m not expecting gas chambers or lynch mobs, but I am expecting an already uncaring government to work on stripping away all but the basics while blaming people like me for the holes in the budget.  And that kind of dehumanising and scapegoating, a mindset that already has a strong grip, is the first step on the road towards much, much worse.

#ooc #negative #British politics vagueblogging ahead

[sanctimoniousscrawlings]

Journal Entry #2

Or Cognitive Dissonance in Perception of Personality: An essay of negativity

    I see myself in an extremely negative light. I know it’s unfair to myself but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m basically scum. I see myself as a selfish failure of a manchild with extreme anger issues and a severe lack of motivation. The thing is, all of those things are correct, but so is the opposite viewpoint.     I went to (one of) my best friend’s (we’ll call her S) birthday party about a month ago and there were nine of us. After a while of sitting in a circle and playing some tabletop games, my friend’s boyfriend (A) made the observation that we were sitting in a pattern where the most similar personalities were sitting in triangular formations. My triangle was my friend, another girl (R), and myself- which according to A was the triangle of kindness. I, being entirely too self-absorbed and fairly high on the spectrum, responded with, “Me, kind? Where?” because I genuinely don’t perceive myself as being very kind (and definitely not nice like S and R are). He was quick to remind me that they’d been borrowing my car for a month-and-a-half and that when I found out they had no vehicles (one was stolen, the other completely broke down and was basically totaled) I immediately offered to lend them mine. (Ironically this screwed me and my grandparents over because it was our only vehicle with four-wheel drive and we ended up snowed in for a week.)     So maybe I’m not always selfish- but I do selfish things so often that I feel it’s a core trait of mine. I’m constantly “borrowing” money from my grandparents- that I still live with at nearly 27 years old. Borrowing is in quotes because it’s always with the pretense that I’ll pay them back when I can (and sometimes I do) but also with the shared knowledge that I probably won’t be able to any time soon. My grandmother waves me off when I’m upset that she offers to take care of something for me because she “knows I’m good for it/knows where I live” and because I help her do things she wouldn’t be able to handle on her own like taking care of my grandfather who has been acting like he’s completely incapable of doing anything (ex: we have to serve him everything he eats if we’re home bc he’s ‘too weak’ to get up and do it himself, but if we leave him alone or turn our backs for a second his diabetic ass will race to the kitchen and eat stuff he’s not supposed to have. This man makes and scarfs down triple decker sandwiches faster than 625/Reuben.) which he is not, for the most part. He’s disabled, but he isn’t anywhere near as disabled as he acts.     I see myself as a failure for the same reason I see myself as selfish. On top of that, I have little to no impulse control. If something I should be doing is in the way of something I want to be doing I will 9/10 times completely pass what I should be doing over. I don’t have a strong will when it comes to taking care of myself/my life/etc., but I’m extremely willful when I see something I want. I will do the impossible to make it happen especially if someone tells me not to or that I can’t. For fuck’s sake, My grandmother’s suv got stuck in the snow when she was trying to back into place and I got out and lifted the front end/pushed the car back so it wasn’t stuck- which brings me to my next point: anger.     I am fueled by an immense rage at all times. I jokingly say that everything I do, I do out of spite but it’s not exactly distant from the truth. The angrier I am, the more driven I become and I get mad easily. My grandmother worries for me because I am extremely similar in personality to her- the second someone tells her she can’t do something she goes out and does it because fuck you, that’s why. I told her she shouldn’t go outside with all this snow because she’d likely get very sick and might get pneumonia. Unbeknownst to me, she immediately walks the trash down to the bins at the end of the driveway- at the other end of our 5-acre property- because she thought I was saying that as a joke at her expense. The next day she’s coughing and sneezing and miserable and admits she went out. I had to explain that not only is she too elderly to be doing things like that (the phrase she originally found offensive when I warned her the first time) but she’s grieving and depressed because her sister had literally just died a couple days before and that grief/depression weakens your immune system. Like, no, lady. You’re seventy and dealing with not only the death of your sister but the fairly recent death of your aunt. Your immune system isn’t gonna exist for a minute and you will die if you go within 500 feet of a preschool, let alone trudge through a quarter mile of snow. You don’t even own snow boots or a heavy jacket.     I’m getting way off topic there. Anyways. I got pissed because I signaled my grandmother that I was ready to start pushing her SUV, which was stuck in the snow and she a) spent a minute adjusting stuff while I was pushing after giving the signal instead of immediately hitting the gas and b)let off the gas when she saw how red I was turning because she thought it was from the strain (the only strain was on patience). I got madder when I started putting groceries away because there is ALWAYS shit (by which I mean the laundry basket) blocking the freezer door from opening all the way and stuff also fell out of the freezer when I opened it, and the door to the laundry room had stuff blocking it from opening all the way and I started throwing stuff because WHY DOES NOTHING EVER COOPERATE? Honestly, I’m still salty about it but more of a vaguely jaded salty than an “I need to break stuff because I’m irate and all cognitive function flies out the window when I’m this mad” kind of salty. I’m basically the hulk but I turn red and stay the same size.     I ended up guilting myself for hours after mistreating my cat because I was in a particularly venomous mood from being in so much pain. Her only crime was being in my way and almost tripping me several times when I was trying to feed her so I started flicking water at her whenever she would come near me. It was cruel and I still feel really bad about it- especially since it’s basically how my mother treated me when I was a child (ironically when she was going through the same tooth pain I am now) and it was one of my mother’s traits that made me always say I’d never be like her.      It’s also only little things that ever do that to me, though. When something happens that should by all logic tip me over the edge, I become cold and calculating. This is with all forms of stress, too. Grandfather fell on a vase because he didn’t drink his juice before getting out of bed and his blood sugar was low? There’s blood everywhere and my grandmother is running around like a chicken with its head lopped off? I got this. Abusive and controlling (to my little primo) aunt calls to tell my grandparents they aren’t allowed to see my cousin anymore? I was so irritatingly calm and matter-of-fact about telling her exactly what I thought of her my grandmother could hear her shrieking through the phone on the other side of the house and had to stop herself from cracking up when she saw how pleased with myself for making a grown woman (I was 15) throw such a tantrum. Girl my boyfriend cheated on me with tells me so- and that they’re dating now? She was more frightened at how quickly the rage visible in my face evaporated than anything, which was a mistake on her part.     But why can’t I do that with the little things? Why can’t I reason with myself? Is it because I can’t plot any more satisfying revenge for the inanimate objects that get in my way than to yeet them into another dimension? Because there’s no vengeance to be had on something that should prove to only be a minor irritation? It’s the same with pain. If someone purposely causes me pain, I’ll crush them without emotion, but something like a toothache I can’t do anything about (because I was snowed in) turns me into a monster (in fairness I wanted to take a sledgehammer to my face the entire time). Is it because I’ve trained myself not to be helpless- but when things are too minor for me to go into eye-of-the-storm mode (for lack of better description) I panic and feel helpless and lash out? I hear jokes like “hell hath no fury like a minorly inconvenienced gay man” and I also hear that people with severe trauma/mental illnesses/etc handle huge problems immensely well compared to others, but can’t deal with the little things- but like, why? I get that I’m a manic depressive gay guy and had an exceptionally shitty childhood but why can’t I handle the little things. I know, logically, that they don’t matter, but what do I do when that logic goes out the window? How do I drag myself back to reality when I’m throwing a block of frozen shredded cheese at the ground because it won’t. Stay. Put.     And how do I motivate myself to actively make the changes to make myself better? Because right now I am a lazy fuck slumming it in a pile of dirty clothing and half-empty water bottles, between mountains of books and other unknown items like a hoarder because I still haven’t fucking cleaned my room. At all. To my credit, I have done some cleaning in my grandmother’s office. Not much, but some.

    A different best friend of mine has always liked to joke that I am a creature of contradictions because I have always had opposing personality traits- always shifting from one extreme to another and never in the middle. Is it normal to have such divergent personality traits? Is it because I am bipolar?

#journal #mine #tw: a bunch of awful stuff #personal

[foursprout-blog]

5 Ways to Quiet the Negative Voices in Your Head

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/5-ways-to-quiet-the-negative-voices-in-your-head/

5 Ways to Quiet the Negative Voices in Your Head

“There’s a brilliant, beautiful, priceless piece of art hanging right in front of you.  It’s sophisticated and meticulously detailed—a painstaking labor of passion and deep devotion.  The colors, patterns and textures are like no other—they soar and dip, they shine bright and leap right off the canvas at you.  And yet, you choose to fixate your eyes on the tiny, dark housefly that has landed on the edge this masterpiece.  Why would you choose to do such a thing?”

She cracked a half smile in my direction and then shifted her gaze down to the ground.

“Look,” I said, “the point here is that there’s no possible way to be 100% certain about anything in this world.  Life, like great art, is sophisticated, complex and unpredictable.  So you’re left with a choice: either appreciate it and look for the beauty it holds, or focus on the worst and dwell on it.”

But if you expect the worst, you’re never quite as disappointed,” she said under her breath.

“Yeah, but who truly lives like that?” I replied.  “No one, that’s who!  People die slowly every day like that, without ever truly living.”

That’s the gist of a conversation I had recently with an attendee of our Think Better, Live Better conference (I’m sharing this with her full permission).  She literally started the conversation by telling me that expecting negative things to happen is her default way of coping with life’s challenges.  If you can relate in any way at all, it’s time to revamp your mindset.

Believing in negative thoughts and acting on them is the single greatest barrier to living a healthy, productive life.  If you allow these thoughts to dwell for too long, they will succeed in robbing you of peace, joy, productivity, meaning, and ultimately your life.  You will think yourself into endless disappointment, heartache, and even bouts of depression.

And make no misunderstanding about it, when you are feeling down on a consistent basis, the battle you are going through isn’t fueled by the words or actions of others, and it isn’t fueled by what did or didn’t happen in the past either.  It’s fueled entirely by your mind that gives negativity a voice.  In a very real sense, you are what you think—you can’t change anything if you can’t change your thinking.

But, are you ready for the silver lining?

YOU CAN change the way you think!

And when you change the way you think, you can gradually master a new way to be.

Quieting the Negative Inner Voices

Today we’re going to take a look at a few effective methods for quieting that negative inner voice of yours—these are the very same methods we’ve successfully used with hundreds of new course students and coaching clients over the years.  But first, let’s examine a super-common error in judgment negative thinkers tend to make:

People who are habitual negative thinkers are often proud to describe themselves as “realists.”  Of course, anyone who holds a strong belief thinks they are being “realistic” by holding it, whether it involves alien encounters, perfectly truthful politicians, or otherwise.

The “being realistic” pronouncement is a favorite among cynics everywhere.  And in a way they are correct.  But only because negative thinking causes the human mind to give up on everything—to not even try, or to give a disorganized, half-hearted effort—so the negativity itself influences the end result.  Self-fulfilling predictions like this really do happen.  Research even suggests that in some cases what we believe about our health can have more bearing on how long we live than our actual physical health.

So, why do we as human beings do this to ourselves?

Because thinking negatively, expecting “the worst,” seeing the downside of positive situations, and even downright expecting failure, all convey a kind of backwards-thinking, emotional insurance policy.  It happens subconsciously and it goes something like, “If I expect a catastrophe, then I won’t be quite as disappointed when it takes place.”

What makes all of this so alarming is the fact that it means negative thoughts can plague us even when life is going relatively well.  For instance, the thought “This is much too good to last!” quickly wreaks havoc on a positive situation.  Thus, the methods discussed below have to do with how negative thinking distorts our perception.

Ready to get started?

It’s time to…

1. Watch your tendency to over-generalize the negative (and minimize the positive).

Ask yourself: “If something negative unexpectedly happens, do I over-generalize it?  Do I view it as applying to everything and being permanent rather than compartmentalizing it to one place and time?”

For example, if someone rejects you or turns you down for a date, do you spread the negativity beyond that person, time and place by telling yourself, “I’m just not good at relationships; they never work out for me, ever”?  If you fail an exam do you say to yourself, “Well, I failed that exam; I’m not happy about it, but I’ll study more next time”?  Or do you over-generalize it by telling yourself you’re “not smart enough” or “incapable of learning”?

Remember, negative thinking stops us from seeing and experiencing positive outcomes, even when they happen often.  It’s as if there’s a special mental block filtering out all the positives and only letting in data that confirms the negative biases we have.  So, do your very best to catch yourself today.

Being able to distinguish between the negativity you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards living a happier life.  (Note: Angel and I discuss this extensively in our NEW book.)

2.  Start focusing on the grey area between life’s extremes.

Life simply isn’t black or white—100% of this or 100% of that—all or nothing.  Thinking in extremes like this is a fast way to misery, because it basically views any situation that’s less than perfect as being extremely bad.  For example:

Rather than the rainstorm slowing down my commute back home from the office, instead “it wasted my whole evening and ruined the night!”

Rather than just accepting the nervousness of meeting a new group of people, “I know these people are not going to like me.”

Since 99.9% of all situations in life are less than perfect, “all or nothing” thinking tends to make us focus on the negatives—the drama, the failures, and the worst-case scenarios.  Sure, catastrophes occur on occasion, but contrary to what you may see on the evening news, most of life occurs in a grey area between the extremes of bliss and total devastation.

3.  Stop looking for negative signs from others.

Our negativity leads us to quickly jump to negative conclusions about the unknown, which can be especially harmful in our relationships.  We are provoked to interpret something another person does as being negative, even when we have been given absolutely no indication of what the other person is thinking.  For instance, “He hasn’t called, so he must not want to talk to me,” or, “She only said that to be nice, but she doesn’t really mean it.”  When we jump to conclusions like this, we only cause ourselves and others unnecessary pain, stress and frustration.

So, if someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else.  If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has a concealed, negative connotation.  Assigning meaning to a situation before you have the whole story makes you more likely to believe that the uncertainty you feel (based on lack of knowing) is a negative sign.

On the flip-side, holding off on assigning meaning to an incomplete story helps the mind overcome it’s negative thinking tendencies.  When you think more positively, or simply more clearly about the facts, you’ll be able to evaluate all possible reasons you can think of, not just the negative ones.  In other words, you’ll be doing more of: “I don’t know why he hasn’t called yet, but maybe… he’s actually extremely busy at work today.”

4.  Identify the underlying triggers to your negative thinking.

To change your thinking, it helps to have a crystal-clear understanding of what you’re thinking in the first place.  When a troubling (negative) thought arises in your mind, instead of ignoring it, pay closer attention and then record it.  For example, if you’re sitting at your desk and you catch yourself ruminating about something negative, pause and write it down immediately.  Get that raw thought out of your head and down on paper—just a short sentence or two that honestly depicts the specific thought that’s presently troubling you:

“I’m not good enough for the job I’m applying for because I don’t have enough experience.”

Then, identify what triggered the thought.  Again, be brief and specific:

“I’m new to the industry, and therefore I’m feeling out of my comfort zone.”

At the very least, this process of evaluating your negative thoughts and their underlying triggers helps bring a healthy, objective awareness to the sources of your negativity or anxiety, which ultimately allows you to shift your mindset and take the next positive step forward.

5.  Change your mantra.

All journeys of positive change begin with a goal and the determination needed to achieve it.  However, what do you think happens when you are too determined, or too obsessed, with a goal?  You begin to nurture another belief: who you are right now is not good enough.

A few months ago, one of our new Getting Back to Happy course students had become overly obsessive in her efforts to meditate.  As her interest in meditation grew, she began to increasingly say to herself, “I am not good enough,” and, “I have to be better at this.”  She began to notice various imperfections within herself that needed to be “fixed.”

In a nutshell, her over-the-top efforts to meditate for extensive periods of time had opened the doors to lots of unexpected self-criticism and stress.  Thankfully, with a little coaching from Marc and me, she eventually realized her obsession toward meditation had made her forget one of the basic objectives of meditation—self-acceptance.

So, the bottom line is this: you have to accept yourself as you are, and then commit to personal growth.  If you think you are absolutely “perfect” already, you will not make any positive efforts to grow.  But, constantly criticizing yourself is just as counterproductive as doing nothing, because you will never be able to build new positive changes into your life when you’re obsessively focused on your flaws.

The key is to remind yourself that you already are good enough; you just need more practice.  Change your mantra from, “I have to be better,” to, “I will do my absolute best today.”  The second mantra is far more effective, because it actually prompts you to take positive action at any given moment while simultaneously accepting the reality that every effort may not be perfect.

Being able to distinguish between healthy striving and self-abuse on your journey is another critically important step towards living a happier and more successful life.

Afterthoughts, and Next Steps…

There’s a quote I’ve always loved that’s often credited to Ignatius: “Pray as if God will take care of all; act as if all is up to you.”

That’s such a strong way to live!  It’s about using your faith to fuel positive thinking and positive action, every single day.  I sincerely strive for this in my own life.  And, I sincerely wish this for YOU.

It’s important to note, too, that replacing your negativity with positivity isn’t about turning off all your negative thoughts—that’s nearly impossible because negative thoughts typically arise spontaneously and uncontrollably.  It’s also not about turning your false negative thoughts into false positive ones.  The goal is to reframe negative thoughts effectively, so they are based entirely in reality, detached from needless drama, and focused on the next positive step forward that can be taken in the present moment.

The five methods covered above provide solid starting points.

Challenge yourself to START, today!

And, with “starting” in mind, I’d love to hear your thoughts about this article.  What resonated with you?  Where will you start?  Is there anything else you would add to the list?

Please leave me a comment below and share your thoughts.

And finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

#Happiness

[rxxx-queen]

a letter to nobody

mnmI want to start all of this out by saying I love you a lot. You are the most important person in my life. You have been there for me through some serious shit and for that, I will be forever grateful. But things aren’t copasetic and haven’t been for quite some time. I’m not trying to play the victim here by any means because I have done my fair share of fucking up in the past. But I’ve been saying this stuff about being unhappy repeatedly for months. And you just always seem to find a cute little way to make me feel like I’m over exaggerating or being dramatic. Nothing is ever a big deal to you. Things are a big deal to me sometimes. My emotions are pretty black and white as I’m sure you’ve noticed. I am apparently incapable of seeing the grey area until after I’ve had time to sit and think and evaluate how I could’ve handled the situation better. I can’t handle being constantly unhappy anymore and a lot of that stems from our failing relationship. I know that if this gets resolved or ended, at least I’ll have a great weight lifted off my shoulders so I can focus on getting other aspects of my life back on track without added stress or distractions. 

Issues that I believe are causing this rift and inability to actually WORK as a couple:

1. Schedule differences. - I am not blaming this on you, your job hours are different than mine. Although sometimes I stay up later than I prefer to, just to wait for you to get off work to hang out. You never have returned the courtesy and maybe gotten up early to hang out with me before you go to work. I am unemployed at the moment and almost always at home, which is located less than half a mile away from your job. You are inflexible and everything we ever do has to be centered around your schedule and desires. That is unfair to me and I no longer wish to put up with it. (A reason to break up). You are asleep all day while I’m up (usually working) and by the time I’m getting home for the day, you are just waking up for the first time and rushing into work where you continue to be inaccessible to me, and halfway through your shift is usually my bed time. So basically we never get to even speak. 

2. The week you ignored me. - Although I understand why you were so furious with me. It should have been addressed and discussed. I fucked up by putting our business on blast on Facebook, but to this day I don’t think I warranted that. And now I won’t be able to really ever trust you or will have to tiptoe around what I say to you in fear of being ignored again for another week. (A huge issue for relationships and a reason to break up).  I honestly haven’t been able to get over it no matter how hard I try to. And am scared I will always carry around this secret resentment towards you which is unhealthy to a relationship. We are absolutely horrible with communication. Anytime I try to bring up something that is bothering me or whatever, 

3. Hanging out - When we even DO hang out, it literally always has to be centered around alcohol. You can't ever just take me to dinner or a movie like normal couples? Just gotta sit on the floor in your small and poorly ventilated room while you play a bunch of music or tv shows that I don't know or care for. That is literally *all* we ever do together and I’ve gotten extremely bored with our monotonous routine. (Another thing I don’t want to deal with anymore)

4. Your drinking - I know at first, I used to always drink and party and go out with you and maybe you miss your drinking buddy (me) but at the same time, your alcoholism is ruining our relationship and at this point I think it always will cause problems and rifts between us, and I already know that alcohol will beat me in a fight for you any day cause that's all you really even care about. It’s already a problem now, so imagine what our lives will be like 20 years down the road? i can see it now: you drunk and me miserable 24/7. 

5. Life goals - nothing in regards to careers or anything, but more what you want out of life. I personally want to be married soon. I’m ready for that next step in life. I had my whole hoe phase, and my whole party girl phase, and got all that “sow your wild oats” shit out of the way and I’m ready for something more substantial. At our age, I think its very important to think about these things because we’re at the age now where most people start to settle down. I’m one of those same people. I definitely want a husband, and yeah I do want kids later on in life. You don’t want either of those things. So my thoughts are, “well why am I wasting my time with someone that doesn’t want the same end goal as me, when I could be letting guys that DO want to settle down and get married and stuff pursue me?” if that makes any sense. As many pros as there are to this relationship, unfortunately, we are focusing on what isn’t working right now in order to come to a resolution. 

What I would need from you to make things better on MY end:

-more conversations. we literally never discuss anything that needs to be discussed, and this whole sweeping it under the rug and pretending that nothing wrong thing has GOT TO GO. I don't like it and never will get on board with that. shit needs to always be out in the open, no matter how ugly it is. 

-sex in a BED and not on the ground like actual dogs, and also quiet sex is whack too

-I want to celebrate holidays and birthdays and anniversaries like normal fucking couples. I know that's more a “girl thing” but idc. I’m not going to pretend i’m okay with the fact that we didnt do anything together for Christmas or Valentines day......... our anniversary is in late November sometime after your birthday. 

-more time together. i really shouldnt feel so alone all of the time if i’m dating someone?

-stop getting my hopes up for stuff then dropping the ball and sleeping through it or just blowing it off (camping, our late valentines date we were supposed to do, etc) 

-stop pushing what you like on to me so hard. I’m allowed to have different opinions and yours isnt any more “right” than mine (music, tv, etc)

basically what it boils down to is that i need a lot more attention and most importantly, RESPECT. You have zero respect for me and that is a big no-no for me. I need to feel loved. I need to feel important. I need to feel wanted and desired and all of those things. I don’t care if you think I’m being unrealistic or asking for too much. Im not asking you for anything you arent CAPABLE of. you are just going to have to put in a significant amount more of effort for it to work. i know i dont always say what you want to hear, but tough love is never easy to receive (trust me lol my dads col. bob) and i know i’m not always easy to deal with and i might not do the best job of showing it (i will work on that) but i do appreciate your patience you’ve had with me. im trying to get out of the whole “emotions are black or white” mindset. 

[motherranter]

So, here's a long story about my life and maybe someone can give me some advice.... My husband and I have been married for 3 years, but together over 10 and I got pregnant 5 years ago. It was not completely a surprise, but definitely not planned. At the time, we were on the verge of breaking up and hadn't had sex for a long time, so I'd come off birth control about 6 months earlier, but one drunken fumble resulted in my beautiful son (and I will never, ever regret that!!). Anyway, my then-boyfriend proposed when I was a couple of months pregnant because I think he thought it was the right thing to do. We got married and then had a daughter who will be two in June. Fast forward to now and I have just finished a 16 week course of cognitive analytic therapy (CAT) which I've found immensely helpful for my anxiety and associated depression, as well as my self-esteem and confidence. It's early days and I can feel myself changing for the better. Onto the issue at hand... there are a lot of things I can't stand about my husband, and I'm sure there are a lot of things he can't stand about me, but what were once extremely irritating habits are now flashing neon signs to me that the more I change, the more he stands still, and the more our marriage is one of financial convenience than anything else. At times I'm not even sure if I like the real him at all. The outward him is positive, nice, kind, hard working and supportive, but the private him is angry, impatient, negative and unable to accept anyone else's opinion. These things are not even the problem really because I do similar things too. The problem is that he won't accept he's like this and therefore won't ever change. I'm trying to overcome my negative traits as much as I can, but he never will and I cannot live like that. Has anyone else been in the situation where they've gone through a big psychological/personal change and then realised that the people around them are not who they want to be around anymore? Did it ever turn out ok? Can we get over this and live happily together? I am trying so hard to think and behave positively on this but I am making no progress with him and he doesn't seem interested in improving our relationship. I'm trying not to let it sabotage how well I'm doing but it's like that last little thing that's holding me back from being who I want to be and I don't know what to do. Help!!!!!!!!! P.S. I should probably explain our financial situation... When I got pregnant the first time I wasn't working because I was just coming out of a very long period of depression brought on by crippling anxiety at work. My husband earns a fair amount - enough to support us all- and my earning potential is pretty low, so it wasn't worth the childcare costs for me to work, especially now we have two kids. My anxiety was also a huge factor in this as I had become almost terrified at the thought of going back into a job that I hated. Anyway, long story short, I am completely financially dependant on him. I get no money from anywhere else and have no savings. We are basically both incapable of leaving each other, even if we wanted to. My question really is if I should even bother to keep trying to fix our situation or if I should just accept it and quit stressing over it and use my energy on something else. Has anyone gone through this and come out the other side together and happy, or am I just flogging a dead horse? Btw, I am trying to figure out something that I could do when my kids finally both go to school full-time that won't make me suicidal but will earn a decent income so I am not so dependant on him. Still got nowhere on that one yet though! Thanks for reading, even if you have no advice. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest as there's no one I can talk to about it in real life. x x x

#personal #rant #family #marriage #anxiety #social anxiety #confidence #depression #self esteem #self help #therapy #trigger warning #tw #suicide tw

[dear-dagmar-blog]

on turning 30

This post is about more than simply turning thirty. In general, I don't particularly care about my age, I don't feel down that I'm aging, I'm still young enough that I don't really feel my age on me yet. I'm sure on that day, I'll have plenty of complaints. True, I do sometimes feel afraid of death, or confused by it. But for now, I am feeling quite well.

This post is, instead, about having lost time, and trying to make up for it; it's about sickness and stigma; and isolation.

This is a topic I struggle to talk about, largely because of the stigma associated with it, as well as the lessons I have had drilled into me for decades, particularly by important adults in my life as a teenager, that I have nothing to complain about.

But the truth is I began dealing with depression by age 14; and I had absolutely no one to turn to. I loathed myself for it, and loathing, and despair, were the only two emotions I could really experience: no matter what I went through or what I thought about, I could not move beyond these. And it ate away at my identity. No one noticed or cared that I had fallen into a very bad place. Years later, it led me into a bad relationship in which I handed over the entire responsibility of my being to another person, who gladly took that control and ran with it.

No matter what I did, I couldn't figure out what was wrong-- nothing bad had happened to me to trigger it; nothing was outwardly wrong with me; all of my physical needs were met. Why, then, did I want to die; why could I not get up some days? Why did I need 'unhealthy coping mechanisms' for the very basic act of just living? Nothing relieved it...I was certain I would not survive into my mid-twenties. I somehow made it, but, I think, largely by chance; or maybe not so much by chance as by the fact that I saw no point in living, but I knew that ending my life, as much as I wanted to do it, as close as I came on two occasions, would not solve my problem; except inasmuch as I would no longer exist, which meant an end of pain.

In one of my journals, at age 25 I wrote the following:

Every thread I had has been snapped or peeled away: no longer little bits of myself to hold onto, but this frightening and foreign yawning emptiness. I feel a predator just outside the borders of myself, waiting for the time I fall and cannot rise again.

At 16:

Please, save me. Don't let my soul go away. I want to live, I want to be able to live; to live and breathe and sing and feel. I don't want to continue shutting down.

And at 15:

Here it is, three AM, and I feel I'm never going to sleep again. Everything feels so insane. Everything feels like it's slipping. Again. I swear, every time I advance; every time I take a foothold in something good, I slip back farther than I was to begin with.

For fifteen years, I struggled with the crippling need to feel something positive or normal, the need to be loved, the need to feel peace, the need to feel like I belonged on the earth; I struggled with the equally crippling terror that I was incapable of loving other people, that I was some kind of 'broken' person who would always want to connect with other people but who would never be able to.

After ending the aforementioned relationship, I struggled with disordered eating, running up to ten miles a day on anywhere from 300-800 calories. I was too much in my mind to go to class many days, I turned down all sorts of invitations and opportunities because I was so focused on my weight. The thing about investing in weight-loss as a means to quiet one’s busy brain is that it doesn’t work, not for long, and no weight is good enough; you can logically know you’re underweight, but it doesn’t matter, because by then it’s an addiction, a need.

At some point it stopped working. And when that failed to quiet my brain, I started drinking, which ended in some very ugly nights for me. For the most part I drank just enough to ‘get stupid’ - that I could turn on the television and my despair would be muted and I wasn’t quite sure what was going on but at least I wasn’t thinking about tomorrow and dreading what waking up meant. But sometimes it was more than that,  sometimes I’d drink myself sick. In the middle of 2015, there was one night when I was so drunk I couldn’t walk and I just lay sobbing on my floor, begging for the end, and absolutely determined to end it all, but I didn’t even have the coordination to stand up or even crawl, so I simply fell asleep like that (thank God). Later in the night I woke up so sick I had to drag myself on hands and knees to the bathroom, where I fell asleep with my face on the goddamn toilet seat, hanging over a toilet I hadn’t cleaned in probably several months and with vomit in my mouth to boot. It was disgusting, shameful, and revolting.

Throughout all of this, throughout my teens and twenties, not one person ever came to me and asked if I needed help, or even if something was wrong. Not when I was sick all the time, or sleepless; not when I was in a bad relationship; not when I was underweight; not when I was drinking in excess.

I occasionally tried reaching out; I was met with disbelief and, on occasion, real disdain (from a friend, from my father).

All of this-- a lack of acknowledgment, or being brushed off-- only reinforced the belief that I was invisible, an entity without any substance; that I had already died, but no one had told me, and I was moving through life but not technically alive.

It was horrible.

At the end of 2015, as part of treating an unrelated issue, my doctor also prescribed me anti-depressants, because she handed out a questionnaire, and I was just too exhausted to lie on it. I had never asked for help before then, and when my doctor talked to me about it I passed it off as only being mild and likely related to stress.

Regardless. I started the medication. And it saved my goddamn life. It took months to get it right, to adapt to it, to up my dosage, to adapt to it, to up my dosage, to adapt to it, to up my dosage...but o my God it saved my life.

I wish like hell I'd told my childhood doctor (I couldn't bear the thought of (a) a doctor telling my parents, and (b) a doctor telling me I was just being over-dramatic). If I'd gotten help at 14, or 16, or even at 22; how differently my life would have been.

I haven’t told any member of my family that I’m being treated for depression, even though I still sometimes talk to my parents. I gratefully have a friend I can confide in and whom I’ve told, who doesn’t always ‘get it’ but who at least takes me seriously, which is an incredibly validating experience.

The thing is, medication does not solve or cure my depression-- it’s not meant to-- it simply gives me a fighting chance to face the things I did not have the energy to face before. I can now feel emotions: I feel real joy, and real sadness, and real grief, and real desire, and real excitement. My energy is better, and I can get up and face the day, and go to a job I hate but which is no longer soul-crashing or slowly killing me. I no longer want to die. Every day I am grateful I’m alive and that I survived myself.

But I know the depression is still there; I go through periods when it overtakes the medication. And I frequently feel it waiting for me. And I have to fight tooth and nail against it to overcome it when it tries to come back. I have to recognize its heralds, and steady myself against them; I have to check out of any situation that would give it a foothold.

And the medication did not give me the identity that I failed to develop during this sickness. I am essentially re-starting my self-development where I left off: re-learning (personal) right and wrong without the frame of anxiety to support it; what limits I can push and which are not meant to be crossed; how to control my sundry impulses.

And yes, the impulses are difficult to deal with. Useless spending. Craigslist ‘casual encounters’. Diving headlong into something because I’m interested, without taking the time to gauge just how interested & for how long that interest might last. Struggling with interpersonal communication. This, that, or the other thing-- I suppose it doesn’t matter. I’m getting better self-control all the time.

It is a goddamn shame it took me this long to start fighting an illness I have had since childhood. But it’s also why I will 100% of the time take a teenager seriously when he says he’s suffering. It doesn’t matter if the cause is temporary or extreme or if there ‘seems’ to be no cause at all; if someone is in pain, it’s pain, and that pain is real.

#depression #healing