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#but based on a true story
tswwwit · 1 year
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Editing passes are so important.
I almost had someone touching this instead of the intended object
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raeuberprinzessin · 2 years
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Felix: Well, we could always do that with our children.
Marinette: I'll only have children when I'm married!
Felix, offhandedly: Fine, we'll get married then!
And that's the story of how Felix got hitched 😅
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chongoblog · 2 months
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Me, after forgetting to cut the top off an onion before dicing it: “Aw dammit”
The Gordon Ramsey that lives in my head: “Don’t worry there, this mistake isn’t going to ruin anything. No need to be too hard on yourself”
Me: “Wow, that’s…not what I was expecting”
Gordon: “Of course, you ought to know by now that I don’t shout at cooks just to do so. I do it because the people in hit television show Kitchen Nightmares are putting their services out into the public and claim to be good enough to have the title of head chef. You’re just some guy in your twenties making beef stroganoff for yourself and your roommate. I’m kind of a dick, yeah, but I’m not gonna scream at you for a minor mistake like this”
Me: “Oh….well…thanks”
Gordon: “You’re welcome…cunt…”
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notherpuppet · 18 days
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📻 🍎
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excali8ur · 8 months
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Short sibling oppression
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subspaceemo · 3 months
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I want to be caught jerking off on the video call. We're meant to be sleeping but I'm grinding into the mattress, rubbing my hard little cock, quietly panting. "slutty boy," they croon sleepily, I freeze and hold my breath, "keep going," they say, "I want to enjoy the show." a shiver runs down my spine and I start to fuck my hand a little faster, allowing myself to moan, getting wetter and harder at the realisation I'm being watched. "good boy, put two fingers in," they say, and I obey, curling two fingers inside myself and humping them desperately. A slutty moan rises in my throat as the pleasure coils tighter, "please can I cum?" I whisper so breathlessly I don't think the call picks it up. "fuck yourself harder, squeeze your cock, look at me." They order and I turn my face to look at them, eyes glittering in the dark, "please, please, please," I whimper as I squeeze my throbbing cock and finger my sloppy hole. "do you need to cum, my needy slut?" they smile, as I moan louder, nodding desperately, "please, please, please, can I cum?" they growl happy, "asking so nicely when you're such a depraved mess. Yes, you can cum for me, my good boy." I cum with a muffled yell, biting into the pillow to keep me quiet as I pulse into my hand, gasping and moaning.
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lotus-pear · 4 months
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insufferable ex partners (don't be like dazai kids moisturize ur skin this cold season)
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Diversity win! The pornbot stalking you has pronouns in her bio!
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k7ino · 3 months
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first 2 are based off my twt drafts beacause iam. unwell. and the other 2 are based off the gays from nj snl sketches again. im Not Well
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poqu · 13 days
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birdbath?
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kaos-snakey-loki · 6 months
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machinot · 1 month
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Tax Return - Machinot for Nintendo DS - 2005
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cassettepony · 7 months
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twi's words of wisdom
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stankyles · 1 year
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I’m sick of looking at this
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sacharinee · 9 months
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pranking peter asking him to try not to annoy you today has me crying
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pairing: bf!peter parker x reader
w/c: 600
a/n: hiii anon thank u very much for requesting! based on that trend on tiktok :)
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you’re feeling mean today.
after waking up so early, you’ve scrolled through countless videos of girls pranking their boyfriends with just a simple line, and seeing their priceless reactions.
and what better use of your time than to prank your ever so lovely boyfriend.
you’re up in the bathroom, washing your face and getting your makeup done for the day when peter walks in to greet you.
“g’morning baby,” he mumbles and wraps an arm around the side of your hip, sloppily kissing the side of your forehead.
you take a look at him through the mirror. he’s got bedhead, his curly hair all messy, shirt wrinkled, and he’s rubbing his squinty eyes from the bright lights. his cute little pout makes your heart skip a beat and you almost feel bad for what you’re about to do. 
“hi petey,” you greet, you’ve got your brush in one hand, blending out the makeup on your skin.
and he’s reaching for his toothbrush, squirting some toothpaste on when he asks you, “d’you sleep good?”
“it was okay,” you respond with a shrug.
“just okay? what happened, y/n/n?" he asks, his voiced laced with concern.
you tap your fingernails on the countertop as you take a deep breath, “look, pete, i have a big day ahead, so can you just try not to annoy me today please?”
peter freezes as his jaw goes slack with the toothbrush in his mouth. his eyes stare up at you in shock and confusion while you’re none the wiser, looking straight ahead, curling your lashes up closely against the mirror, “what’d you say?”
you let out a sigh as you switch out the curler for mascara, “i said, try not to get on my nerves today.”
"today? but the day just started," he's dumbfounded when he looks at you.
you shrug in response, "still. you've been really annoying lately."
you resist from looking at peter. one quick glance and you know you would break.
“oh…” the boy mumbles, looking down at the sink confused, trying so hard to figure out where he went wrong, “m’ sorry.” you feel like a monster.
but when peter steps back to sneak a peek at you, he notices your uncomfortable stance. you’re squeamish, biting your lip, as you avoid eye contact with him. 
his eyes narrow down at your figure, “and how exactly have i annoyed you lately?”
you take a second to think of a example, “just, everything. like right now, when you ruined my makeup or when you’re asking me stupid questions.”
“stupid questions? ruined your makeup? wait, what, you mean when i kissed you good morning??” your boyfriend laughs in amusement. 
“m’ just saying.” 
“huh okay,” peter spits the toothpaste out in the sink, “you wanna talk about silly questions?" he wipes his mouth with a rag and turns towards you, gets up real close to the side of your face.
you pinch your brows towards him, “what are you-”
“who was the one that asked me if italy was in spain?”
“peter-”
“or if milan was in germany?”
“are you ser-”
“or if australia and austria were the same thing?”
“peter!”
“i’m just saying!” he’s mocking you, a smug smirk on his face, and he knows he’s got you.
“yea whatever, einstein,” you bump him out of the way wanting to use the mirror next. you’re crabby your little prank backfired while peter’s having the time of his life, laughing at your embarrassment. 
he stands behind you wrapping his big arms around your front and resting his chin down on your shoulder. he’s got this irritating sardonically sweet smile on his face that makes you wanna kiss or slap it off, you can’t decide. he’s gazing with loving eyes at you’re adorably grumpy pout in the mirror and kissing the side of face, smudging your makeup once more.
“it’s okay baby, you can get on my nerves all you want.”
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kan-be · 7 months
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beware of gremblins
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