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cawcawbeech · 15 days

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SIX OF CROWS AND KISSING !!

(Welcome to this silly but intricate guide nobody asked for)

Just so everybody knows and is fully aware, I literally never kissed anybody in my whole damn life. I dont much care to try (for now) unless your name is Amita fucking Suman (jkjk, or not), but that doesnt mean I didnt do some very extensive research on the topic just so I can write what are hopefully non-generic scenes where all of my favorite characters make out till the following sunrise without a single other thought plaguing their empty little minds (exception being if the said thought is used to deepen 'the plot').

Before I say much else, I would like to note that THIS is just a very detailed bullet point list on kissing for all of my boys and girls separate of their partners assigned to them in canon or by the fandom. We will get to how it would actually go in different scenarios with different ships a bit later on if I decide it wont be a waste of my time. PS: No, not every kiss / kisser has to be extraordinary or unique or have whatever traits I ended up slapping on these characters here, Im just extra like that. And its not like anybody can stop me. Deal with it and simply enjoy (whatever this may be)!

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JESPER LLEWELLYN FAHEY

Jesper has had his fair share of practice in this particular field, we all know it. That is no reason to say that he is a perfect kisser, there are many who have done way more, constantly brag about it, and yet still leave you disappointed. But, this is Jesper we are talking about. Kuwei has said that he is a great kisser too, I choose to trust him on that. That joke he made to cheer up Wylan at Olendaal, the one about kissing Nina / Matthias 'with tongue', it doesnt have to mean anything, but I like to think he is a tongue kind of guy. I also like to think that he is adaptable to any type of person though, he aims to please through-and-through. It saddens me to look deeper, to think about how that may be a result of his low self-esteem, but in moments like these, it makes him happy most of the time, and it is all I could hope for when it comes to my boy.

The first relationship he had been a witness to, the one his mother and father shared before her death, had been a very healthy one. I wouldnt call Colm the perfect father, certainly not after his wife was gone, albeit he is significantly better compared to the hands the rest of our favourite characters have been dealth with, but he was good to Aditi. Most kids, including myself, were the type to be grossed out by PDA, especially when its between their parents, and while thats not in any way a bad thing, we can clearly see that Jesper was not of that type.

Despite his many faults, he was raised fairly well. He knows how to make a comfortable environment, to recognize a clear invitation, what to ask and what not to ask, what is acceptable and what he shouldnt do without a more in-depth discussion. He knows how to create and opportunity where one could deny him if they so wished. I wouldnt say its some overly high bar to jump over, if anything it is the most basic standard any and all should hold themselves to, but I call Jesper 'the consent king' for a reason.

Its said in the book that his mind empties when he kisses the right person, that thinking of methaphors clearly means something is wrong, but hes still pretty descriptive in his POVs if you ask me. Its also very clear that he likes to kiss deep, slow, and involve other sensations throughout which is the part where Id like to include some of my very own hcs (slight temperature / texture play where he drags his rings over skin, hair pulling is a given but I can see him also liking to touch peoples ears a lot, talking in between and whispering during the few subtly initiated pauses, etc). Jespers favourite type of kiss would probably be those he iniciates as soon as he wakes up in the morning. It rains often in Ketterdam, its normal, so he would also probably be one of the rare creatures among the regular Kerch citizens who finds kissing in the rain romantic.

KAZ BREKKER (RIETVELD)

Kaz will have to go through some major healing first, no doubts about that, but Id say he would probably be one of the elite members of the 'Im keeping my eyes open for this' club (until he isnt). I doubt he does much analyzing during, mentally he is on another planet thats probably many lightyears away as he tends to do with a lot of other even remotely intimate things, but theres lots of squinting, eyelid fluttering... Kaz is basically a personafication of that cliche 'when did I close them' quote. In my own experience, I can barely hold eye contact when talking, but I dont really see this as a bad trait. I also dont see it as a trauma response either like some would assume it would be for Kaz, I think its just a him thing. If this man didnt want to kiss somebody, you would not be kissing him, end of.

He likes to focus on teeth, whether by unconsciously (or consciously) biting his partner, having your teeth bump into each other, or licking his own after youre done. Theres lots of shuddering, youll feel him there more than youll hear him, but he is not completely silent either. I dont think he would like beeing cornered, picked up or lifted in any way except on very rare occasions. Just like the pulse thing where he feels for it on the wrist (or neck once he is more comfortable), feeling his weight including the pain of his leg serves to ground him. Perhaps he might also like feeling of you breathing through your nose on his face for the same reasons? He doesnt like leaving things unfinished, even if its just a peck, he will make sure it feels 'complete', I dont know how else to put it. If anybody could overuse the words "Again?", it would be Kaz motherfucking Brekker.

Im in no way saying he will be good, in fact, theres lots of traits here that many wouldnt like, but he tries when he wants to (and again, you would not be kissing this man if he didnt want it), he will learn and he will remember the smallest of details (so that he can ponder over them later). The only thing we hear about Kazs appearance related to his mouth is that there is a scar running through his upper lip. I never got it when people talked about kisses having a taste, but Kaz seems to often call people light-weight, so clearly, he handles his alcohol well, perhaps having developed such a habit to settle down his own supposedly non-existent nerves. It might not be the main reason, we heard about him being on the receiving end of many fights that in certain circumstances and with the ways they are handled lead to similar results, but liquor does leave one dehydrated and with chapped lips.

WYLAN VAN ECK (HENDRIKS)

Unless he is particulary fired up, Wylan likes to start slow and chaste no matter if you are the first, the thousanth person he has kissed or just a person he has kissed a thousand times. Unlike Kaz, he has some experience, sheltered kids know how to have fun in secret (and Im the last person who would ignore that 'lie' about him being kicked out for bedding the tutor, theres some truth to everything), but he is also nowhere near the level of Jesper or Nina or Matthias. We know he likes when his partner feels calm and like they are actually in their body before he goes in for the kill, we saw it with Jesper, but we also see that he isnt the type who needs to ask every time and will just do it when 'the time feels right'. Look out, he just might squeeze into your shirt while youre wearing it and do a makeshift 'surprise attack' from there if he is determined enough for it.

From that, we could say he might have some other habits, including but not limited to the familiar one of guiding his partner through breathing patterns. Maybe sometimes he likes to hold onto your forearms more tightly than necessary (not forcefully though), have your knees touch and bump into one another, straighten his own / your items of clothing, compare hand sizes while making weirdly-intense eye contact, use his thumb to subtly rub at a random tensed muscle, touch foreheads if he is tall enough or rub his face along the side of your neck, anything that would focus your attention to him and the moment... Ironically, as a follow up to the last point and as the kiss drags on, he forgets that he is an actual person who has a weight to them and has to lean back against something with the help of his partner before he falls down and cracks his goddamn skull open.

He likes to leave an effect on whoever he is kissing, but he also likes to 'clean up after himself' as much as possible after its done, which once again serves to bring both of you back down. So yeah, he would probably do something like twirling a stay peace of hair around his finger before neatly tucking it back in place, running that same finger across a brow, down the nose or along the jawline, nudging you playfully with his shoulder, hips or elbows, swaying a bit to slowly return the atmosphere back to relaxed as he secretely links your pinky fingers together. Lips would be his main focus, and he especially likes the soothing effect it has when he is sleepy, but he could also grow to like eyelid, nose, tummy or thigh kisses when it comes to placement.

INEJ GHAFA

Inej has had many men kiss her throughout her life, and unfortunately, theres no need to debate whether she truly enjoyed any of them. Oh how I would love to say that every shitty person is also shit at every other skill they try to master, however, that doesnt have to be the case. The fact that she was a brothel girl doesnt have to mean all of her kisses were bad (to specify, that refers to the technique). That being said, I think she would appreciate the message more than the way its done. It also might result in her not exactly caring about the placement of a kiss, palm, knuckles, hair, cheek, neck, lips, any of them would be equally as intimate to her, platonic or otherwise. Its somewhat similar to what Wylan also likes, but very different too once you look further.

As is with Kaz, you would not be kissing the Inej we know now unless she didnt want you to. I probably should have said this earlier, no, I dont mean that any of the other Crows would enjoy a kiss that was not what they wanted, they wouldnt ignore the signs and will fight the person off if needed, but I hope you understand why Im emphasizing it for these two in particular. I think her kisses would be short, but sweet, a petite little package that can deliver a punch under a right set of conditions, just like she can, the same going for her ship. Physically, we know her lips have an upturn to their shape. As is true with alcohol, salt water has the same drying effect that is only made worse by licking.

One other feature that might make Inejs kisses unique is a possibility of her aquiring more jewellery during her travels. I always imagined that the Suli find piercings to be very meaningful. Perhaps she had some since a very young age, perhaps they were taken from her too during her time at the Menagerie, maybe the holes closed naturally over the long months, maybe she got more whilst working for Kaz, and although it was not put there for such a reason, a lip ring (just as an example) has quite a pleasing effect for either side.

She holds a special appreciation for people who remember their first kiss, or at least remember their first kiss with her, a courtesy she will offer in return as well. It takes special kind of brave to get close (she knows better than most) and never lets the feat of overcoming fear go unappreciated. For some reason, I can see her counting the seconds, not for any reason at all. I wouldnt say its something particulary good nor bad, but Inej doesnt give me the 'let me kiss your words away' signals no matter the situation. The phrases that would fit more would be "We will get through this", "Stay strong, for you", "Lets face it together" or "We shall see each other once more". She seems like the type to keep her affairs secret, but at the end of the day, I also dont think she would mind PDA all that much.

KUWEI YUL-BO

I know the fandom likes to joke that Kuwei is the bad kisser between the two, seeing as to how Jesper was left 'disappointed' even before knowing the truth behind who he was actually kissing... But I dont think that had to do much with the kiss itself. We were told that Jesper liked Kuweis body plenty enough, but even if it were really Wylan (both in shape and spirit), Jesper wasnt in the right space, and Kuweis silence and mannerisms didnt do much to help.

Now, this is a personal headcanon, but one of the habits I think he might pick up in the Little Palace would be scratching his nose or covering his mouth before he goes in for a kiss. Or well, I like to imagine that being his tell among all the snarky comebacks, vicious flirting and sly glances. And seeing as to how playful he is with his powers and how much he grows to use them for mischief and otherwise in KOS, I like to think that his face is always warm to the touch as Kuwei himself is constantly touching it. Random instert, this man unironically likes lemons and you will without a doubt taste quite an assortment of teas while with him.

Some people care about the emotional setting, some like keeping it casual, and some like having that perfect mix of both. Kuwei might acknowledge that in different ways and act accordingly, but I also think he might care more about the physical setting and connect good actions with places rather than specific people or mutual feelings. This man is a certified tease, unless you pull him towards you which is exactly what he wants, he is 100%, absolutely ready to keep a partner on the edge of their seat, kiss the corner of their mouth, or maybe with the lips barely touching. Instead of licking his own lips out of habit or to seduce, he would lick yours. Kuwei being a tease might also be a way for him to set up walls? In a sense that hes reminding both himself and the person hes kissing that this is just a kiss and it doesnt mean anything. And when hes kissed by someone he loves and trusts, hes downright pathetic, super soft and annoyingly sweet about it.

I dont know where else to put it so it will have to be here, but I like to think he chewed on his lips a lot as a child and whilst in captivity, leaving him with barely visible indents once he reached adulthood. When it comes to the type, Id say he could end up enjoying goodnight kisses next to the fireplace or lit by the flame in his own hand more than he would like doing anything in the early morning. Kuwei tends to get frustrated and bored easily so that might lead to certain effects as well, more specifically the speed, angle and desperation. He has hid for long enough and doesnt much care about who sees what, only whether they got a nice view from wherever they were standing at the time.

NINA ZENIK

Nina has practiced CPR from a very young age (I wouldnt call any of those a true kiss by any means, but it will make slightly more sense in just a moment), we see her perform one on Kaz in the books without hesitation, so I doubt her first 'kiss' was particularly enjoyable or wholly consentual or that she even remembers it. Perhaps from that, her kisses would grow to be particulary breathy in the future, although that doesnt mean its some kind of rule or that its not just a result of her personality being put into how she goes about it. We already know temple kisses are her thing among some other stuff, but she also doesnt seem to have a similar kind of bond with any other type that is not at neck level or above. Shes fine with them, but always seems to go to certain spots herself when she has a choice, singing and laughing through all of it. As Matthias tends to say a lot, the chase is a game to her, whether on top or beneath, she still wins.

Her skin is said to be soft, and supposedly so are her lips, plus the girl is a Heartrender and that surely results in many privileges. Surprisingly enough, I wouldnt say she is particularly experienced in the world of romance, even if her talent at sweet-talking might suggest otherwise. Perhaps shes had flings, one or two, maybe even a relationship at some point, but I dont see much more in my visions of her backstory. "Dont you want to play with me?" and "Cant you handle it?" are some of the repeating phrases in her vocabulary, but oh, it only gets worse once she feels well and truly romanced, swept off her feet as one might say, and that takes lots of effort. Its a good thing we know Nina has some high expectations, that way all of us can be her personal wingmen.

If anybody could obtain the famous movie achievement of leaving a string of saliva to connect her lips with her partners for just a few more moments, it would be Nina. Speaking of such things, she may also be the only one for who the 'let me kiss you against this wall so that they dont spot us' scenario might actually work (in theory), or at least give her enough time to incapacitate them during their confusion since she tends to be quite loud appearance wise. Likes being attended to and coddled, and no kiss has a chance without a firm grab or two. Will die if you do a tango dip with her in your arms. She is one of the biggest fans of mistletoes and finds it extremely romantic. Sometimes, when she is invited to watch a play or show, she will turn around and kiss her partner whenever the actors do. "Consider me madly in love. With the kisses, not you. ... But maybe also you if you did it again."

MATTHIAS BENEDIK HELVAR

And finally, we have our romantic-at-heart of the group, Matthias. Now, his and Ninas romance is the most obvious and out-in-the-open throughout the whole duology, and frankly he is the one I had the most trouble with writing, but the difference between seeing their first kiss from Ninas perspective and the one of Matthias is that theirs was his first kiss ever. All of his actions leading up to it, as well as those after, are a promise in some way or another, and Im not only talking about his vow to her. Nothing could have prepared me for when he lifted Nina straight off her feet and held her there as he kissed her, yet it was also the most in-character thing he ever could have done.

Matthias will absolutely, every time, start an hour long conversation on what led him to this moment, if it is the right time, the right place, the right everything... He will continue up until he himself is basically internally shouting at his own mouth to shut itself (he has very low patience despite everything mentioned above) or his partner takes the initiative themselves. The second option is prefered by both parties and a 5-star whine is the expected plus-one to excellent service. He is the type to gulp when you get too close. Will go mad if you can tell when he is holding on by a thread despite his lack of many facial expressions, especially if told something along the lines of "Just lose control, love".

He is particularly sensitive for textures. All humans are to some extent, the lips have more nerve endings in them than fingertips, but Matthias is the one who is fullfilled by it the most and frequently says stuff related to it like "Are you wearing chapstick?" or "I can feel the dip of your scar". Often acknowledges indirect kisses. Matthias has once said that kissing isnt about romance, that it should be proper and only done as a follow up to a conventional Fjerdan courtship, and while lots about him has changed during his canonical relationship with Nina, I think he might still enjoy going through at least some of these with somebody who might appreciate his efforts. Matthias is still highly religious even if he is now seeing the world from another perspective and there are some cultural things that for him go deeper than just tradition. In a very specific headcanon of mine, he has grown up fantasizing about having to lift up your chin to do it, and so now he does so even with taller partners who can reach his mouth just fine.

He would 100% take the 'Will you love me if I was a worm' jokes way too seriously. "How am I supposed to handle a worm? I could hold a butterfly, maybe kiss you if you were a wolf (but thats after a very extensive inspection of your molars)". Kisses the back of your neck after putting on a necklace. Pretends that lipstick stains dont turn him on to the highest setting.

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#six of crows #grishaverse #jesper fahey #kaz brekker #wylan van eck #inej ghafa #kuwei yul bo #nina zenik #matthias helvar #kisses #character analysis #*screams into the void*#hope you enjoy #feel free to share your thoughts #💚🖤🧡💜💛💙❤️#fandom ships #writers on tumblr #fanfiction

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pochapal · 4 months

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Zero offense meant but I feel like for the sake of the umineko liveblog's pacing, you'd be better off saving the analysis until after each individual Episode. Trying to figure it out mid-episode is kinda overkill.

no i get it! it's definitely something that i am conscious slows down the experience by a great deal and i can see how that wouldn't be for everyone. one thing to keep in mind is that initially the lengthy writeups/theoryposts were intended to happen only whenever i'd covered enough ground, but people then advised me to throw up thoughts as i went along, which eventually morphed into the liveread/theorypost structure of the liveblog since people wanted to see both my theories and reactions in equal measure lol. the only problem with this approach is that a) i am far too wordy for my own good and b) i am honor-bound to keep committing to the bit.

the lengthy writeup posts are simultaneously silly and serious because if i'm gonna be honest i could condense the half-dozen or so theories into a couple bulletpoints in shortform post straight after finishing the chapter, but at the same time i genuinely do have a lot to say about this story when i read it, and imo the sheer ridiculousness of throwing up dissertation-length discussion posts after every chapter is like 75% of the fun of this for me.

i also think it works to give both the liveblog and me as a liveblogger a distinct character, since bog standard off the cuff reaction is fun but i feel like there's only so many times someone will want to see a new umineko reader screaming at the same high stakes moment? idk i just like to put a more substantial part of myself into whatever i do and for me that reflects in a several thousand word sharing of my deductive process instead of just going "oh my god holy shit people are dying i'm shaking screaming throwing up", even though the latter is far quicker and easier content both in terms of production and consumption. i, however, am allergic to making Content on every level lol. plus i have a lot going on so taking my time to carefully ponder over what i've read and craft a writeup post lets me fit this liveblog around everything else i'm doing without feeling pressured to do weekly screenshot+react posting marathons and running the risk of burning myself out. i really am enjoying umineko, and reading it in the manner i am is the best way of ensuring it never starts feeling like a chore.

in any case i don't think i could ever hold off until the end of an episode before sharing my thoughts, because extensively thinking about the story as it's going on is the way i've always engaged with media. i'm always thinking and always developing theories and i am unfortunately one of those people who loves to figure things out as i go and this is something that will always be the case about me regardless of whether i am publicly sharing my thoughts or not. i really do understand that this style is not to everyone's tastes, and it's completely fair for you to make these points of criticism! this is just what works best for me personally as the person producing this liveblog.

#twisted-parabola #a liveblog sits very much in the gray area between let's play and critical analysis and sometimes friction arises as a result #nothing wrong with simple reaction content but largely i do want to produce something i can look back on and take pride in #and the way i am making this liveblog is the best way to feel that pride for me

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imperpetuallylost · 6 months

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fair warning this is just me ranting do not even read it

i’m pretty sure i failed my calc quiz bc i didn’t study because i don’t believe in studying bc i don’t need to study bc idk how to study

but also i knew it’d be memorizing a sheet of derivative rules and i hadn’t looked at that sheet in like a week bc why would i i don’t need to do that shit and then it turned out there were things on the sheet i forgot about, whoops

also by fail i mean i think it was like maybe an 85 but possibly lower but like it’s so hard to raise your grade in that class if you do bad on one single thing and this was like supposed to be the easy quiz to boost people’s grades which like at least i didn’t need i got a 95 on the test a bunch of people like failed so i went in cocky i guess i’m really upset abt it bc i know it would have been so easy for me to get a hundred on it if i put like five minutes in

also my teacher made a joke abt comparing me to my older brother who like was nearly perfect academically tho also i do as of the end of junior year have a slightly higher gpa than him so suck on that but like. my calc teacher did not need to say that i wanted to start crying because he was like hmm i’ve got to hold you to a higher standard bc i have to compare you to Him and i was like what because no way was he saying that about my brother who he had last year and i had just handed in the quiz and i knew i did badly and he was like you know Him and i was like Oh. he was like haha just kidding i don’t i would never and like then why did the thought cross your mind because anyone with a head on their shoulders could tell that i do compare myself to him all the fucking time bc how could i not he made everything seem so fucking easy like maybe we’re getting the same grades but he wasn’t having panic attacks and crying over them he just sat down did the work and went on with his life he didn’t sit there for hours trying to start the work and hating himself and being completely unable to focus ever at all and just giving everything he had to get those grades and being overwhelmingly worried at every given moment about what everyone thought about him and he didn’t fucking want to die the whole time so how am i even supposed to compare to that even if i end up getting everything done perfectly the process was so awful and fucked up and i barely made it

#i just can’t do this anymore #seems over dramatic to kill myself over a quiz so i have to wait at least a few days #i feel the need to clarify that i’m joking

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mbti-notes · 1 year

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Anon wrote: I'm an Infj in highschool and before I entered high school I was dealing with an abusive home life and it made me extremely depressed and anxious and I've dealt with a lot of anxiety and mental illness my whole life so school is a lot different for me than for everybody else.

There is a program in place for me at school that helps lessen the burden of classes and homework but because of everything I've been through, I feel ashamed of it. I can't help but feel different from everybody else because of my own issues. I feel like a failure and I feel stupid because I need more time with certain things like projects or homework and when I can't measure up to the same standards everybody else is at, I feel even lonelier and lonelier. It's been hard making friends and while I'm improving, it always seems like everybody else is progressing at the same pace.

I know that it's not fair to compare myself to others but it seems like I'm the only one who's behind on everything. I have to take classes a grade behind mine, I have to avoid certain situations that'll give me panic attacks and sometimes I can't even get out of bed in the morning and I end up feeling like I'm disappointing everybody around me. While I still have my own personal strengths, I'm tainted by the fact that I feel so different from everyone else around me. I don't know what I'm not seeing or acknowledging.

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The social comparisons you are making are illogical, naive, and unfair. Relying on social comparison to evaluate yourself is a bad cognitive habit that you need to kick (it is also a sign of unhealthy Fe, see the study guides). No matter how good you are at something, there will always be someone better. Worrying about "measuring up" distracts you from the real task at hand: discovering your personal potential for growth. You should want to succeed not to prove something to the world, but for the sake of your own well-being. Only then will you be on the right path in life.

Social comparison is foolhardy because 1) it fails to recognize that everyone starts out life with different circumstances, and 2) it fails to honor individuality and the fact that everyone moves through life at their own place and in their own way, due to having their own unique set of problems to grapple with. If you truly want to become the individual you're meant to be, constantly trying to be like everyone else is going to hold you back.

When you have obstacles like abusive parents, poverty, or a learning disability, yes, it's true that you start your life in a different place than those who don't have those obstacles. However, these factors are called "accidents of birth" for a reason, to emphasize the fact that they are beyond your choice and, thus, not something that should be used to define your identity. If you use accidents of birth to define your identity, your identity ends up being false or dishonest, which can impact you negatively in many different ways. You can severely damage your self-esteem by getting lost in meaningless social calculations about who is "better" or "worse".

For example, if you take personal responsibility for your abusive parents, you are not only letting them off the hook, you will doom yourself to always feeling inferior for having been born to them. Or, if you believe that being rich makes you a better person, you are likely to treat poor people as inferior or irredeemably bad, and what would happen if you ended up in financial difficulty one day?

It's not a crime to be "different". It's not a crime to "be behind". These are simple facts. Facts are neutral. If you see it as "bad", it is a matter of choice, i.e., you have chosen that perspective when another perspective would be just as viable. For instance, special programs like the one you're in are designed by teachers to remedy unfairness. They are meant to give you the time, resources, and attention that you missed out on due to your accidents of birth. They are not there to punish you, stigmatize you, or label you inferior. If you see them that way or listen to others who describe them that way, it is your choice. You could just as easily see the programs as opportunities to overcome the obstacles you were unfairly saddled with. You could just as easily nurture gratitude for being given a chance, in your own time, to rise up to the level that you know you could be at had you not been saddled with those obstacles.

As INFJ, your perception is within your ability to control, and you need to change your perspective when it's wrong, especially if that perspective was instilled in you by unhealthy people. Until you realize the power you have to change your perspective to better align with the truth, it will be very difficult to have healthy Ni.

#infj #social comparison #shame #study #abuse #ask

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softdarjeeling · 1 year

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Whoever left that is a major dick. You're smart and noble which are proper compliments. If I knew I wouldn't get rejected then I'd ask you on a date but I can tell how you carry yourself you probably have different standards like higher than most. I'm not good at conversations maybe you wouldn't just go on a date with someone you couldn't converse with. I also don't want to be vain but you are beautiful too. Enjoy these compliments for what they're worth. I have a preference to admire from afar.

thank you for your compliments! i try to uphold my own morale. i carry myself to a high standard, mostly. it makes it a lot easier to carry those standards into relationships by having my own way of self control; for example, what i will allow from myself and holding myself accountable, which i need to do for my own future. it's really the only way that i feel i can guarantee a fair chance at being genuine. i mostly don't date, especially casually. i'm too serious of a person for 'casual' anything. that's not to say that i am not open minded or not willing to be more carefree in those instances, as i've stated before. i find myself a bit too purpose based for pure indulgence and mindlessness, unless there's a lot of work involved. i've found dating itself to be a waste of time for that reason, as it's usually the opposite of that. i know that if i'm seeking like minded people, or people who understand my mannerisms, they won't be in those spaces. it would be nothing but continued frustrations for me, for various reasonings

a conversation is at the least a very real start to a possible connection! i wouldn't take a risk like going on a random date with anyone, without having a set of knowledges beforehand. taking risks can be good depending upon your personal mindset. at least actual rejection or redirection is a fair response. it also grants you the instant ability to move on in that moment, which could be better than dwelling on it and never acting on your desires. if it's something you really want, then the risk will most likely have to be worth the rejection. you'll never know everything you need to know about a person in order to feel comfortable with the risk of rejection, if it's something that makes you withdrawal. things unfold over time obviously, but without actions, it's a lost cause

again, i thank you for your compliments! if you ever want to converse with me, i'm open to that. if you know it would be pointless, then i do apologize for the circumstances of our incompatibility and i hope for you the best! 😌

#asks

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softlittleheartsandsparkles · 2 months

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how do you start a hobby like the one you do? I'm scared to try something like that and mess it all up...

If this is more like psychological fear, I'd say just take it slow... Like my first one I've ever done was really rough. (It was a seahorse who's body portions weren't right... He was huge compared to the piece of aida I was working on. I was suppose to have room for 3. >.> he was a big boy. There wasn't room for three. lol) I think when you try something new, and your learning a new skill, it's better to just do the activity as a journey/experience rather than trying to focus on it looking "perfect". Like think about a MMO or something were your doing a quest, your new to the game. The experience is finding the item the npc requested, it doesn't matter how you go to it or how long it took you to find the item, you return the quest & You had the experience that makes you wanna keep playing. Crafts to me are similar, only you have no npc on the other end waiting. It's easy to criticize what your doing, or even become paralyzed with fear and not try it because your worried about it not looking right. But I think sometimes reframing the thought as rather then this is a artsy- craftsy, I gotta be good at this sorta thought. Just think of it as this is just an experience, and I wanna see where it goes. My first project as I mentioned was pretty rough, but I really liked cross stitch. (I love looking at peoples finished works) and cause I have some experience doing other crafts (drawing, painting) I do try to use the thing I mentioned before which is try to recognize when I'm new to something, I'm *new*, so I try to remind myself I'm not going to be as good as someone who's been doing cross stitch for 10 years, or someone who was taught as a wee one & there now a fully grown adult in whatever stage of life. Its not fair to compare myself or hold myself to those standards. I'm also not actually comparing myself properly cause I can't see there original (first) works. Why compare myself to someone who's mastered something - and me someone whos a novice. Thats not fair to either party & it also puts unnecessary stress no one else is applying to me. What I do instead is pick out aspects I like about cross stitch & try to notice when I feel confident/happy. I also find noticing how cross stitch makes me feel (the activity) really makes it more benfictional compared to just being 'oh i'm sorta better at it now". & what I mean by feel is I mean like, for me cross stitch helps me tap into that mindful/relaxed feeling. I find it enjoyable, even the ripping up stitches aspect. (meaning I don't view this as a 'ugh. *hates this aspect of the craft so much I'll abandon it*' aspect.) I also like that its a hobby I can pick up a lot and keep adding too it, compared to like drawing where there's a point when you feel like you gotta stop, or in water color, a point to where the paper is like 'no more water please!' 'Oi! I don't think you heard me, anymore water and i'm about to no longer be paper!' xD Sorry I started rambling. I'd say if your nervous, just try it, you can find really easy (small) freebies online, DMC, kofi, there's designers who will offer out freebies for different holidays. (Shannon Christines does really nice easy looking freebies for holidays. Just the pattern, you have to get the supplies yourself.) Viewing stuff as an experience or journey has helped me a lot more, rather then tips like: trying to ignore my feelings/attempt to push thru them. Cause it can affirm your fears or hesitant if you do "mess" up or you are unhappy with how you finished. If I can pick and pull apart aspects I like even if my first project wasn't the "best", and that leaves me feeling satisfied or even better it helps me create a goal, or drives my interest to keep trying. I like that a lot more. :3

#scribbles

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rubys-domain · 7 months

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rambly thoughts about the 4.1 banners under the cut. contains mentions of leaks

so it's confirmed that venti is getting his rerun in the 2nd half of 4.1 alongside wriothesley. guess i have more time to scrape a few primos off of sumeru. i already have 2k, which is a very unusual amount for me to have, so i'm feeling confident even though it's not even worth two 10-pulls.

i'm feeling a little fomo tho because wrio is cryo and he's a cryo catalyst and-

cryo characters are just bait for me at this point honestly. if it's a new cryo character then chances are i want to pull them. i'm still holding out hope for charlotte to be a cryo catalyst tho. i want her normals to have sucrose's range at the very least. kind of a shame that leaks indicate she's not gonna be a cryo yanfei but oh well. was too good to be true. as long as her normals have some range people who want to play her as a dps can with more ease. but if hoyo makes her a sword character i'm gonna be insanely disappointed. standard or not, i don't have plans to pull for wrio, so i'm really banking on charlotte so i can still have a cryo catalyst. am i gonna use her? let's be real, probably not. maybe in the future i can squeeze her into a mono cryo chongyun team. i just like cryo characters. i would've been sad if i didn't get freminet, even though i don't currently have any plans to use him either. (i still am sad that i don't have him yet on the alt.)

neuvillette having the underwater movement speed buff though.......... i know it makes sense. but how dare you hoyo. how dare you give that to a limited 5 star. i'm definitely speaking for myself here since technically lyney currently being the only character with the local specialties locator passive is objectively more egregious. and it's not like underwater fontaine is all that big. it's gonna get bigger i know, but i doubt even twice the current underwater square footage would make me desperate for a speed buff. all that said... i really, REALLY like diving in fontaine... so the fact that it's only neuvillette that has that passive... and i'm trying to save for venti who reruns immediately after his release... and i'm not even interested in his kit... let's just say i'm saltier than most seas. maybe i should pull for him on the alt JUST for his passive. i don't care about getting zhongli anymore; layla's good enough for me. and if my luck is bad and i don't get freminet on the alt, then that'll just bump the usefulness of his passive even higher.

also re: that one leak that said chongyun is rerunning with venti... i don't buy it one bit. while it would make me extremely happy if true (seriously those two alone would already make the banner tailor-made for me), i HIGHLY doubt they're rerunning chong so soon. he's in the range of 4 stars with the lowest demand, and he just got a rerun in the yae/yoi banner. more likely he's gonna be rerun around the same time next year. which is fair since he's already had a ton of reruns over the years. it pains me as a chongyun main obviously — having to wait literally a year for another chance to c6 him since my luck on the yae/yoi banner was so shit (sure i'm glad i at least got a copy of her, but i REALLY did not need all those kirara cons). but getting new 4 stars is good, and most players have c6'd him many times over at this point. besides, info from leakers seem to be rather unreliable lately, so yeah.

#⇢₊˚⊹ 🩷∥ruby∥yo，ide yo !!#genshin leaks #tagging just to be safe

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chrisevansluv · 8 months

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I want to know your honest opinion about Alba if you don’t mind obvs

I think I'll start by saying that I don't really have an opinion about her. Basically because a lot of the things I thought, or I convinced myself of, last year turned to be a projection issue (which is something that a lot of people in this fandom seem to still be doing), but well...

Regarding Alba, what opinion can we have about someone who we don't really know, and that barely gives out anything about herself? It's not like she's given away a lot either on her social media. Although the lack of professionalism she's had over the show that made her famous rubs me the wrong way. She didn't even have to make those interviews in person, yet she barely did any (but well, she barely posted anything for promo at all, so). Same happened with MHGTP, and some premieres she skipped whatever reason. I mean, of course acting is her job, but promoting her work is also part of it. And one lame post isn't enough at all. The Lolita image also irks me, but I doubt it was something that was solely her decision (she had a group of professionals backing her up and guiding her), although it's still creepy af. About the whole racism shitshow, then I don't really have much to say (and it also has more to do with her besties than her), but it's still something that speaks for itself and that doesn't need me going deeper. But the same way people are trying to hold her accountable for being besties with them, should check twice, because last time I checked Chris isn't as close, but he's close enough to spend time with Justin whenever they happen to be in the same city (which is totally normal, since he's besties with his girlfriend, but I hate the double standards). And that takes me to the next part:

Most of the image that most fans hate about Alba was built by his stans, and the projection I talked about earlier (I've done that, I've been there, so I know what I'm talking about). It also happened with Minka and how she called the paps (just for most of his stans to realize in 2020 that he also loves a "good" papwalk). We barely know anything about her, yet all of them know she's manipulative, and disgusting, who spends all of her time trolling... Yet, who is she manipulating? A man 16 years older than her, his family and whole group of friends? Seriously? About the trolling... PR lovers learnt this word back in 2022 and won't ever let it go. Sharing in social media things you like is totally normal, and it doesn't mean she's looking to trigger anyone at all. You aren't that important. It was fair to call it trolling when we didn't know what was going on, but at this point... Yeah, no. I discussed the racism up there, but I will add it here, too. While those affected have every right to call her out, I'll also say fans are just using it as a free pass to hate on her, and that's fucked up (talking about people that have been talking shit about her since 2021 for no reason other than a follow).

Whatever she does, she won't ever win. If she stays silent, it's wrong. If she posts, it's wrong. If his family interacts with her, it's wrong. A certain group of people keep stepping out of their limits, and they need to get back to reality.

#cevansluv #alba

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howaboutcastiel-personal · 1 year

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I am supposed to be writing right now

and...technically I am, just not the right thing. I should be working on the next chapter of Fire Within My Soul or planning the next Make Your Acquaintance installment or word-vomiting Mandalorian porn onto a Google Docs document, but I don't feel like doing any of those. I think that my brain is good and properly broken for today, so I'm just going to use my word-spraying energy to write on here, because I had therapy today anyway and journaling is good practice.

I cried in therapy today, which is something I have done a total of three times since I began therapy. That is to say, over the last 9 or so years with about 7 or 8 therapists. It doesn't happen often. I fucking cried about Bill and Frank, if you could believe it. Actually, more accurately, I cried over Joel's fucking reaction (or lack thereof) to Frank and Bill's partnership. I don't even think that's what the show was going for, I think they were focusing more on the fact that Joel isn't able to call Tess his partner. Either way, the prospect of straight men being indifferent to or (god forbid) supportive of queer men??? That is just a fucking wild ass concept. Obviously, I am not a queer man. I am... something else, and I have a whole slew of internalized misogyny that I don't think I will ever remedy, but it still hit me personally. Because I just don't know any good men. I just fucking don't. Definitely not the ones in my family, except for Poppy but he's got dementia and he's also a fundamentalist Christian. None of my school teachers, that I can recall, were good men, though the ones here at school seem decent (actually, just Bitzer. Something is Wrong with Feeney's view of the world). None of the ones at church. I don't even have to explain that part. Jesus Christ. Except actual Jesus Christ was a better man than all of them by many, many metrics.

That's one of the things that upsets me about both Oscar and Pedro. Like, they genuinely seem like good men from the image they choose to display of themselves. They're genuine allies, they reject toxic masculinity, and they just seem like... good fucking guys? And they also happen to be attractive. People on the internet tend to say that you're a lesbian if the only men you're attracted to are through parasocial relationships--or just straight-up fictional men. But I think the genuine issue here is not that I'm gay, it's that the men around me just fucking suck. They genuinely suck. To be fair though, many of the people around me, regardless of gender, fucking suck. I think COVID permanently ruined all of us, as well as our ability to empathize and just all-around be normal fucking humans. I know I hold myself to an impossible standard, but I've started holding everyone else to that same standard, and now I just hate everyone.

Oops.

Anyway, Dr. Randall wants me to focus on the idea of fulfillment. What is fulfillment to me? What does it mean to "be Jonah" successfully? Well, let's start with the physicality of it all. I want to be skinnier and also much more toned and strong and beefy. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that being beefy means gaining weight and muscle mass, but I have a lot (a lot) of excess fat I can lose, so it would still be a significant size difference. I want to have strong, thick arms and a toned chest. I want to have a stomach that doesn't stick out past my boobs (which for me is absolutely doable, have you fucking seen my tits?). I want to have an ass and thighs that are toned and strong, not just "thick." I want all of those things so that I don't look like fucking Spongebob when I try to dress masculine.

That's the thing. I look good in feminine clothes, but I don't fucking want to. I don't want to have to be exclusively feminine to be socially acceptable. I want the kind of female body that is allowed to be masculine, so I look like a powerful woman instead of a blue-haired liberal when I dress how I want. And I know how that sounds. I just want to be that way, I'm not commenting on anyone else's style.

I want to be able to try new things, and I want to be able to come home from work at 5 PM and be okay with just cooking dinner, washing dishes, showering, and going to bed. I want to be able to allow myself to have leisure time, and to be un-depressed enough that leisure time actually means something to me.

I also want companionship. I'm starting to think I want a true partner, platonic and romantic and sexual, but honestly I'm so desperate for genuine affection that any kind of companionship will do. With a decent person, that is. I get plenty of attention now, but from people who I only surround myself with because my options are slim. I don't know what I need to do to find such companionship, because I do NOT want to use a dating app, but I just... want it. I want a best friend. I want someone to hold, and someone who will hold me. It can't be that much to ask, and I guess that it isn't. My issue is just that, because someone is a decent person, doesn't mean they're an attractive person to me. Even if I'm not aroace, I'm still grey-aro and grey-ace, and that makes this shit all the more difficult.

Anyway, it is now 4:49 and I need to leave work soon. My thighs hurt from squatting to stock bookshelves and going up and down stairs so much today and yesterday. The good news is I'm not in unbearable physical pain and shitting my brains out today. The worst thing I'm really experiencing is a headache, which I think is from all of the straining to not throw up that I did yesterday.

Anyway... have a much-too-long journal entry from a person who becomes more and more visibly autistic every single day. I do not know how to feel or express my emotions anymore, and I operate almost like a complete robot. I don't want to kill myself right now though, so I'm vibing. The numbness is much less painful than the alternative.

#diary

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thearchivistsjournal · 1 year

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Day 142,

Mists are out this morning. It’s been hard to track the moon phases to predict them with all the cloudcover lately. No class then today I suppose. No rain either. Even the weather takes a break for the mists it seems.

It may be ill-advised, but I think I’ll take the opportunity to stop by and pay Pat a visit. It feels strange to just stop by for a social visit unannounced, but I’ve gotten the impression that’s fairly normal around here; I just don’t get much of it myself living in the outskirts. And if showing up while the mists are out makes it strange even by local standards, well, despite his age - or perhaps because of it - Pat seems less bothered by breaches of tradition than most.

*******

The visit with Pat went well, and I only got a little bit lost on my way back to the library. He was surprised to see me, sure, but welcoming. To his question as to if I wasn’t afraid of the shades I replied that I was but that I also had come to realize I needn’t worry overmuch about actually encountering them as long as I take proper precautions. Within the Village anyway.

When he asked what the occasion was, I said there wasn’t one, only that it occurred to me we hadn’t talked in a while and I ought to check up on him. It can get lonely on mist days with your plans for the day suspended. That answer wasn’t even entirely a lie; I’d already resolved to save my questions about births and deaths for another time.

And so it was that we whiled away the morning hours into the afternoon sipping tea and helping ourselves to small baked goods in Pat’s living room, warming ourselves against the damp outside.

I spoke of my new experiences teaching. Of the children. Of the tablets. Of keeping towels at the library to help dry the ones who lingered outside too long at recess and return drenched by rain. Of the blackboard. Of Cass’s assistance. Of this week’s plan to try the tutoring system.

Pat spoke of his own nostalgic memories of those classes. Of the hazy recollection of his own youth there. Of dropping off and picking up his children. Of his grandchildren staying with him during the rainy seasons. Of the time an outsider washed up unusually young and wound up attending those classes herself. Of the passing of the mantle of archivist multiple times. Of the previous archivist’s early days, much like mine save for the lack of an assistant and a stronger desire to keep with tradition. Of his own brief stint teaching alongside Theo (who’s apparently less intimidating around Village kids than with outsiders, if still an old grump).

None of it was in that chronological of an order though. It’s a little surreal at times listening to him reminisce; without context you can never tell what happened a few days ago and what was over a century. A testament to how little this place changes. Will my own experiments last or will they be forgotten with the next archivist? Or the one after? Or will I find my own reasons a few years down the line to return to tradition? Thoughts too existential to bring up and bring down the mood of the moment.

As the afternoon wore on Pat started to ask if I’d tell him a story for once, but then noticed it was getting dim out and it’d be best to save it for another time so I could get back home. Without thinking, I made a promise to do so next time and not to wait so long until the next visit. With a chuckle he said he’d hold me to that and added that he had a specific story in mind. When I asked which his only response was a grin that said keeping me guessing was part of the game.

Fair enough then. An excuse to do some more reading.

<==Previous Next==>

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joesbasictrip · 2 years

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Katsuki Bakugou

I know he’s an arrogant son of a bitch but I do see myself a lot in him, which I don’t think is a bad thing. Bakugou has a lot of characteristics, good and bad, that make me stop and think “Hey that’s exactly like me!” And I rarely do that with fictional characters.

There’s the smaller things and there’s the bigger things.

Small things I immediately noticed were that we both:

1. Are very hot tempered to the point of being explosive

2. Grew up hearing praise left and right from our natural talents, fueling an ego

3. Are fiercely competitive and used to being at the top

4. Think we’re the best. Although I more think that I’m “A” best not “THE” best

Bigger, more elaborated ways we’re the same:

1. We see life as a tournament where everything is calculated and goal intended

Every move we make has a purpose and nothing is done hastily. We always try to be one step ahead. I’m always constantly repeating to myself “I’m not done yet”, “This isn’t good enough”, “I can do better”, “I’m gonna win”

2. We want true victories

Our victories are for us, not what anyone else thinks, which is why we have to feel like we won them fair. We want our opponents and obstacles to give it their all.

3. We choose who we let into our lives wisely

There’s a reason why I don’t have any friends who I secretly despise because I only choose friends who aren’t detrimental to me. We both hold those in our lives around us to the same standards as we hold ourselves. Although Bakugou is definitely more blunt and brash helping his friends reach their potential, we both want everyone to be as determined as we are too.

4. We hate pity

Like Bakugou, I immediately show discomfort and irritability when people pity me or show concern for me. While Bakugou’s is more because of his pride, mine is that but also the idea that I don’t want to be someone people have to worry about. It shows that I’m giving an impression that I don’t believe myself to be.

5. We’re not easily influenced

We’re both pretty confident with what we want, who we are, what our ideals are, and what our morals are. We have an unfaltering confidence in our choices and thoughts. We laugh in the faces of those who even think they can try to manipulate us or tell us we’re wrong. We don’t care what other people think or what the majority thinks because all that matters is what we think.

6. We’re both growing

Bakugou gets a lot of character development as he goes through different experiences and refines his unique and strong character traits into something that can healthily benefit him. I myself, am still learning and as I experience life more, I’m changing too. I see myself, my growth, and my life story very parallel to Bakugou’s when you look beneath his mean character from a surface level.

Not surprised that we have the same MBTI (ENTJ) and Enneagram (8w7). Our core personality revolves around our need to be nonconforming leaders who strive with confidence and ambition towards victory for a better cause.

Above all, I strive for the traits that embody a leader, or someone who can influence others, accomplish their goals, and leave an impression, which I see Bakugou striving for too.

#self reflection #i've never seen myself in a character this much before #joesbasictrip's journal

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 2 years

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reading update

hello friends, welcome to the second reading update of 2022 (last month's can be found here). I don't have anything fun or clever to say to hype this up, there's a lot of bad shit right now and we're probably all tired. whatever. here's a bulleted list.

My Body (Emily Ratajkowski, 2021)

I've been looking forward to this memoir since Ratajkowski published the essay 'Buying Myself Back' in 2020, sharing the story of a photographer who assaulted her early in her modeling career and has proceeded to profit for years by selling the naked pictures he took of her during their shoot. Ratajkowski's voice made me think of a butterfly caught behind glass, still unsure if it's proud or mortified to find itself there. her storytelling is deft, observant, melancholic without ever becoming bloated by misery. Ratajkowski is, as the title would suggest, rather obsessed with her body, but never becomes tiresome. she's always finding a new stone to turn over: familial pressure to enter the modeling industry as a child, the disconnect she feels from her own body after years of being treated like a product, the frustration of trying to disentangle herself from the industry when the sparkle finally wore off, the sensation of her son growing inside of her.

I've seen a fair amount of critique that Ratajkowski's book doesn't do enough to acknowledge the privilege she holds or the role she plays in enforcing harmful beauty standards; if this is the case, it seems that it's only because Ratajkowski is still struggling with how to make sense of those issues herself. on every level she is clearly intimately, painfully aware of how damaging her industry has been, to her and countless other women who have tried to find success within it. it feels like she has a lot more to say, and I sincerely hope she does - I'll eagerly show up for anything she puts out, whether it's more non-fiction or (if I'm lucky) it turns out she has a novel in her.

Terminal Boredom (Izumi Suzuki, 2021. translated by Polly Barton, Sam Bett, David Boyd, Danial Joseph, Aiko Masubuchi, and Helen O'Horan)

I'll be upfront and say that I knew and still know relatively little about Suzuki except that she wrote these stories in the 1970s and 80s before committing suicide in 1986. that makes the titular story, the last in the collection, particularly striking: a world in which disaffected, unemployed young people go numb watching tv and videos all day, too perpetually exhausted to even have sex, seeking an emotional response from watching recordings of violent assault and suicides? if it was published today it would deservedly draw a lot of "okay, boomer" responses, but as a piece written three decades prior it feels as prophetic as Octavia Butler's Parable duology.

I did struggle with some parts of this collection, since I'm a dumbass who frequently has no idea what's going on in short stories, but it also felt worth the work on nearly every page. there are complex ideas about gender, sexuality, and intimacy on nearly every page, which are fascinating to grapple with even when you don't know what the fuck is going on. 'Night Picnic' executes a reveal that lets it fall seamlessly into the category of "sci-fi short story that makes you just sit there and stare at the wall for a while," and 'Forgotten,' the lengthiest of the stores, is a deliberately muddled, devastating shaggy dog story that gutted me with its final paragraph.

The Right to Sex: Feminism in the Twenty-First Century (Amia Srinivasan, 2021)

I added this to my TBR after reading Srinivasan's titular essay, which I found sharp and challenging in all the right ways, and the collection absolutely did not disappoint. Srinivasan asks hard questions about shifting cultural ideas about sex and consent, approaching thorny topics with philosophical precision and always keeping a sharp eye on who is being left to fall through the cracks. more often than not it's those who are already marginalized to begin with, and Srinivasan firmly draws the reader's attention there: to Black women presumed more sexual and less pure than white counterparts, to Black men victimized by white women making claims of sexual impropriety against them, to low caste Indian women whose rapes go unremarked while higher caste women are mourned by millions.

one of the brightest points of the book is how clearly Srinivasan is able to express complex ideas about gender and justice without getting lost in the density of academic jargon. as much as I'm valuing reading Gender Trouble, it's really nice to open a nonfiction book and just understand what the fuck is being said on one read. I'd recommend this, honestly, to anyone with any level of interest in feminism and/or sexual justice.

Never Have I Ever (Isabel Yap, 2021)

I know it's not even March yet, but Never Have I Ever is already a STRONG contender for my favorite short story collection that I'll read all year. usually when I go into a book of short stories I'm braced for at least one absolute dud, but with Yap it never came. I couldn't readily pick a low point if you asked me to; each story offers a curious fusion of queerness and Filipino storytelling and my favorite short story trope of all, women and girls having a truly fucked up time.

The finale piece, 'Canticle for Lost Girls,' was an impressive end to the collection, but my personal favorite has to be 'How to Swallow the Moon.' at risk of sounding bitchy by making comparisons, this story is really what I was hoping to get from The Jasmine Throne in terms of a speculative fiction sheltered girl/protector girl romance - and it didn't even need 400+ pages to do it.

The Monster Baru Cormorant (Seth Dickinson, 2018)

okay, yes, I waited over a year after reading The Traitor Baru Cormorant to get to the sequel. that probably isn't the soundest strategy with big complicated political fantasies, and I will admit that I spent the first few chapters scrambling to remember what the fuck all of these made-up names and locations were supposed to make me feel and how much of this information I was already meant to know. lesson learned, I will definitely (try to) read the trilogy's conclusion in the next 365 days instead of waiting over a full calendar year.

anyway HAVING SAID THAT - god, the Baru Cormorant books fuck so hard. Baru's having an absolutely terrible time on the cruise from hell and I loved every second of it. I cannot begin to imagine how Dickinson put together a story so complicated and multiply layered, but I am in awe. Tau-indi Bosoka is simply perfection and I would die for them. Shao Lune is such a cunt and I love her so much. cannot wait to see how much more Baru will fuck up in the last book; I literally cannot imagine a scenario in which this ends well for her. bring on the suffering!

#bookblr #reading updates

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chidoroki · 3 years

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Isabella - 73584

I had a serious debate with myself over whether or not I wanted to sit down and spend my weekend writing another one of these praise posts. I was content with just doing one for each of the Fullscore Trio kids and ending it there.. but apparently I love this woman too much to just ignore her on her birthday. So here were are on September 9th with a list of all her best and my personal favorite moments as to why I believe she’s such a great character, antagonist and mother (yeah you heard me right). Considering she only shows up in the beginning and very end of the story, this post ended up longer than I originally anticipated, which just goes to show how many thoughts I really have about this woman. (for real, this rivals Ray’s post in terms of points but there’s far more words)

Since she also has some backstory and certain events differ between manga and anime (thanks to the second season), I’ll try to go in chronological order between both timelines instead of chapter by chapter, which might be a bit confusing as we’ll jump around the story a lot but just to bear with me as I try to makes sense of it all.

(spoilers for the entirety of The Promised Neverland & ch181.7, so if you haven’t read/completed the manga yet, consider this your first warning, because I’m literally going from start to finish with this one last time. I promise.)

- I’m not sure how well she compares to Emma when it comes to athleticism, but Isabella seemed to have no trouble climbing up and down trees when she was younger.

- Not only that, but she managed to scale the wall by herself using a method that requires a fairly impressive jump. It’s also implied that this is how she climbs the wall again so many years later when chasing the soon-to-be escapees, which helps prove that even at an older age, she hasn’t lost her touch.

- Was chosen to undergo training to become a Mom, which required high test scores and the current mother’s recommendation. She accepted the offer in order to keep living and survive as human the demons couldn’t eat.

- Based on Sienna’s comment, is it fair to say Isabella is on par with the full score trio? I mean, the woman is basically flawless.

- She was practically untouchable during her time at headquarters while training too apparently. Mom positions are scarce so the environment where these ladies fight (physically/mentally/emotionally) to even snag that job is highly competitive, and yet Isabella never let anyone deter her from her goal of becoming a Mom, which probably led to the “Iron Lady” nickname she received now that I think about it.

- She was the youngest ever to be granted the Mom position at..what, 19? 20? Somewhere around there, but impressive nonetheless considering they’re forced to have a child, build up a strong, emotionless exterior and endure so much fear. (but my goodness, the woman doesn’t age at all. she looks just as good when the story actually starts as she did her when she was a bit younger)

- It became common knowledge among the Sisters that she was also very successful in the way she raised her children.

- Her success greatly benefited the farm, as she offered up countless high quality goods, which sounds terrible, I know, but believe me when I say she gave her best effort for her children. Even though she held the Mom position, the amount of power she actually had in this system was pretty minimal, especially with how much she valued her own life. She couldn’t afford to make any mistakes or risky changes, so she settled with doing the most with what she was capable of. She provided her children with a normal lifestyle, not only to keep up the orphanage facade, but knowing that their lives would all be cut shorter than they anticipate. She gave them love in hopes that no one would ever have to feel the dread she felt after Leslie’s death and/or finding out the truth. She tried to delay that horrific fate by encouraging them to learn all they can (like teaching the trio about strategy and chess) so they could achieve higher tests scores and (unknowingly to them) add a couple more months or years onto their lives. Yes it was her job to raise these children to such high standards but she excelled at it for their sake too.

- And I know y’all will just throw Ray in my face like, “oh but he was her actual child and she treated him horribly/different.” Okay but deep down I don’t think she actually wanted to? When they both realized they were truly mother and son, Isabella couldn’t just dote on him and start treating him as such. I’m sure Ray wasn’t too fond of Isabella at this point in his life either, knowing that she sent several of his siblings away to get killed. They probably would’ve gotten along just fine in a perfect world, but since they were both aware of the hell they’re trapped living in, they emotionally distanced themselves and formed a business-like relationship as a result of Ray’s deal, which benefited them both in different ways. For Ray, it was more practical, with the obvious notion of living as long as possible along with obtaining various rewards and knowledge of the outside world. For Isabella, it helped emotionally by simply just ignoring their true relation. I believe if she clung to that realization, it would break the orphanage illusion and eventually wear down her “Iron Lady” exterior that she relies so heavily on.

- Like can you imagine how much you would have to harden your heart in order to quite literally walk children to their death every couple months for years on end and just move on like it’s completely normal? Now imagine how earth shattering it must be to think about doing the same to your actual child. All those years spent perfecting a fake smile and emotionless exterior like she was trained to have and her son shatters it in an instant. She becomes completely terrified about how he’s actually alive and in front of her right now and there’s nothing she can do to truly save him.. and yet she still recovers so damn quickly I can’t even comprehend it! But there’s still some sadness in those eyes. You can’t tell me otherwise. That one moment of weakness speaks volumes to me.

- So now with her general backstory FINALLY out of the way, we can finally start with ch01/ep01 and how her laugh is sweet and innocent. I say that because (all hidden emotions and motives aside) that’s exactly how she’s supposed to sound in this moment, not only to us but to the children as well.

- She of course checks Emma’s tracker a moment later but other than that I still think it’s a pretty genuine moment between the two.

- As previously stated, her ability to raise high quality children is unmatched, which is clear as day thanks to the fullscore trio.

- Despite their crazy level of intelligence, the trio has yet to win a simple game of chess against Isabella, even when teamed up.

- She treasures everything about the kids.

- She really cares about them, even when it’s time to send them off with a smile, which we know is thanks to her strong facade.

- But mother dearest isn’t really fine. She doesn’t like walking kids to their death, especially so young. But she can’t let them (or even herself) know that. She can’t show weakness, so she hums Leslie’s song, which is a tool she’s used for years in order to give herself strength.

- Don’t worry, I disliked her this moment happened too, just as the story intended. And here’s where her fantastic antagonist role begins for all the world to see.

- A true champ at jump scares.

- Acts completely calm the night after a couple of kids found out the secret of the farm.

- She uses the tracker in plain sight, sending whomever went to the gate last night a threatening but silent message.

- Correct Norman, that’s the “Iron Lady” for ya. Also the name of ch03 for us. Well, “The Iron Woman” but same difference.

- She switches from calculating and manipulative breeder to sweet and pleasant mother so quickly and effortlessly it’s incredible. Isabella even checked Emma’s pulse in this scene to see if she was acting normal.

- At this point she still had no idea who went to the gate (Ray didn’t tip her off yet, at least I don’t think so) but her guess couldn’t have been more precise. The level of fear she drives into both Emma and Norman was great too, but then again her presence is enough in any scene to give us chills.

- Notices her watchdog isn’t at his usual post and starts to get suspicious.

- Not only of him, Emma and Norman, but Don and Gilda as well, thus giving the five extra chores to finish in an attempt to slow down any escape planning, such as cleaning vacant rooms, organizing the pantry and inspecting spare linen.

- While the trio believes Isabella was being too soft and patient in finding her targets, she effectively catches them off guard by bringing in Krone for assistance. The trio soon realize they were actually preparing the sister’s new room and those mundane chores were just an excuse to buy time.

- Look at her, all smug. Checkmate indeed. (and totally not important, but her eyes are such pretty shades of purple)

- The sass and her no nonsense attitude.

- Immediately puts Krone in her place the moment she even thinks about shipping out the targets. Of course holding off on shipping the targets would benefit the farm, as it would produce higher quality merchandise as time passes, but plant 3 is run by Isabella and she’ll be damned if an assistant thinks they could waltz right in and decide her children’s fate.

- She check’s Emma tracker again despite her claim of knowing exactly who the targets might be. You can never be too careful.

- Her precious children managed to win a game of tag against Krone, which is still impressive considering the kind of training the sister has gone through, so kudos to her teachings.

- Knows right away that Krone was trying to take advantage, which allows Krone to realize that the opening she had to learn more about the children was all planned by Isabella herself. Her intimidating nature is enough to scare adults too.

- Reveals that Krone was mostly summoned in order to keep Ray in check after his failure.

- Despite the trust issue, Isabella still keeps up her end of the deal by requesting the items Ray asked for, thanks to the odd perks she had under Grandma Sarah which allowed her to order goods that weren’t on the supply list.

- This hug between her and Phil is just too cute not to mention.

- I imagine she makes this comment because she knows exactly how long a rope must be based off her own almost-escape.

- It’s just something about how this scene is framed alongside this dialogue that makes me think “oh, like mother, like son.”

- I blame her very thoughtful planning for my first big freak out when I watched season 1 blind, like ma’am that’s my favorite boy, please don’t.

- She conspires with Grandma Sarah in order to get rid of Krone for good, which renders the evidence sister just found out about the children’s escape completely useless. Sarah believes there might be some truth to it, but ultimately ignores it and puts her faith in Isabella’s ability of controlling the children & the situation.

- She then cuts Ray off and ends their six-year long deal, opting to control the situation herself from now on. Also, how she wanted to keep him around until the very end is kinda bittersweet. Does she mean as merchandise? Or because she wanted him to live as long as possible? Ah such a tricky little comment.

- She also tosses him across the room like a rag doll.

- Thank god for this panel existing and actually being adapted into the anime so I could hear it because I had absolutely no memory of her laughing in this moment.

- “She says it so nonchalantly,” Norman said once upon a time, and it’s still so frightening.

- As insane as her ideals seem given the circumstances, nothing she says here is really a lie.

- She has the strength to quite literally break a leg and that cracking noise still haunts me to this day.

- It wasn’t even a spur of the moment thing either. Isabella came fully prepared with bandages to fix up any injury she was willing to inflict and that thought alone is terrifying.

- Not only that, but she broke it so cleanly that Emma’s leg does indeed heal perfectly in the exact time frame she estimates. This entire moment is so unfairly impressive, like ma’am how dare you do this to Emma of all people.. like why couldn’t you at least use that kind of force to snap Peter’s neck instead or something?

- To make matters worse, she then reveals Norman’s shipment date. And it’s the following day, which sends the kids into a very understandable panic.

- Needless to say, November 2nd, 2045 was a very successful day in the life of Isabella. Woman was putting everyone in checkmate in ep08 and my anger on full blast.

- This sly smile she sends Ray’s way after announcing Norman’s shipment to the younger kids is so cruel.. it’s perfect.

- I can only imagine she asked about Ray’s whereabouts because she knew the boys were close friends and she hoped they would at least say goodbye to one another, but that’s just me.

- Puts an end to Norman’s parting words in such a simple and chilling matter.

- The way she just openly threatens Emma with others just out of earshot.

- Norman out here asking the real questions. If anything, I say she’s more “content” rather than happy. I don’t think she’s ever really thought about her own happiness, at least not often enough, hence the slight pause. This entire time she’s been focusing on how to make her children’s lives perfect, but for herself she just wants to survive in this hellish world they’re all living in.

- I’m honestly still not sure who’s final decision it is to send people to Lambda, either Isabella, Peter or someone else (honestly never bothered to check), but whether or not Isabella had any say in the matter, I’m sure she’s at least a little glad that Norman gets to live a bit longer? Perhaps that’s a stretch, but I’m putting the idea here anyway.

- I say this because I believe that’s part of the reason why she offered Emma a Mom recommendation, not only because our girl’s high test scores, but in hopes that she could live a longer life.

- Although she really stresses in an intimidation fashion how pointless Emma’s efforts are now that Norman’s “dead,” the cliff remains a major hazard and her leg is still bandaged up, Isabella still tries so hard to convince her to give up, like Ray has, in order for Emma to end her own suffering. It was the first instance during my blind watch-through were I started to get the hint that Isabella might actually care about her kids, and of course I know now it’s because she didn’t want Emma to experience the same pain she did after Leslie’s death.

- With Emma and Ray both broken, things went by rather smoothly for Isabella those last two months, though she continued to keep a close eye on them.

- Her humming is so soothing. And why it took me this long to bring up “Isabella’s Lullaby” is beyond me, but oh my god, that song and any other soundtrack that uses its melody is absolute perfection.

- Had enough sense to not let her guard down the final night, even though her efforts were ultimately unsuccessful, but the idea counts.

- Though her caretaker side is focused on more during the fire, some motherly instincts do kick in as she instructs Gilda to get the babies from her room and lead everyone outside to safety. She was also concerned for Emma’s well being, hoping all the smoke didn’t get to her when the girl vanished. (i know you can argue “she’s only worried because they’re merchandise” which is fair but c’mon, i swear she’s not completely heartless)

- Took a hot minute (ahha) but Isabella eventually realized that the kids were actually escaping solely based on what they were wearing on their feet. I’m sure Emma’s discarded left ear was a big tip off too but to come to that conclusion by noticing the shoes they had on during all that chaos is surprising.

- She looks completely insane here but I always thought this shot of her was nicely animated with all the fire (or embers? sparks? whatever they are) flying around. The laugh she does before this is also a nice bonus. Oh, and she somehow managed to secure a radio from the room Don had locked.

- Figured the fifteen kids would head towards the bridge and called in headquarters to block it off.

- But when the children didn’t appear at the bridge, she just happened to know exactly where else they might try to cross the cliff.

- In the anime’s case, Isabella climbed the wall and ran there quick enough to engage in a stare down with Emma before she finally slid down.

- The moment I knew I was doomed.

- After the 15 kids successfully escaped, Isabella admits defeat, for she couldn’t really see how much her children have grown to outsmart her.

- This iconic quote, which conveys so much truth and sincerity. There were multiple occasions where she had to distance and restrain herself due to the system that controlled her, but the love she was able to show the children was genuine. If she wasn’t held back by the strict rules enforced by Mom position, I don’t doubt she would’ve treated Ray better or became far more emotional whenever a child had to leave for good or seriously injured, instead of donning a fake smile and being closed off.

- She realizes with this unspeakable loss in merchandise, the reputation she worked so hard to build up is meaningless now and that the farm no longer has any use for such an incompetent caretaker. She figures she’s as good as dead anyway now, so she wastes no time in actually helping the escapees by reclaiming the ropes to hide their exact method and route of escape, if only to grant the kids some extra time before the pursuers really locate them.

- She doesn’t act bitter as a result of her loss, instead choosing to wish the escapees luck with the future they grasped for themselves and care for the children that were left behind.

- She’s just so pretty y’all. Thank you anime.

- She was named “Best Antagonist” (and rightfully so!) back during the 2020 Crunchyroll Anime Awards, winning over Askeladd (Vinland Saga), Overhaul, (My Hero Academia), Garoua (One Punch Man,) & others.

(Post-season 1 spoilers ahead, even though the anime is completely finished at this point, but will be touching upon her special chapter more as well.)

- Completely owns up to her mistakes that caused the farm a massive loss in profitable goods and is ready to received whatever punishment necessary, which she expects to be death.

- Only.. she’s not being killed, she’s actually being promoted to Grandma. Though Isabella was directly responsible for the children’s escape, the blame ultimately falls on Sarah who couldn’t correctly control Isabella, thus leading the old lady to be shipped out in place of the goods Isabella lost.

- Peter also notes that the farm found more worth in Isabella than Sarah, so her past merits also played a part in sparing her life, as having a woman like Isabella in charge would surely produce the level of quality the farm needs.

- Isabella eventually accepts the promotion, though she can’t help but feel hesitant and shocked about the whole deal. This woman was ready to embrace death and finally be free from this cruel world, but now she has to witness not only more kids being shipped off, but moms and sisters in training as well (yay old chapter reviews coming in clutch).

- She could have very well just refused Peter’s offer, but we all know how much Isabella originally wanted to survive, so she doesn’t just accept because this man dangled a sense of freedom in her face, she also agreed so she could have the opportunity to help her children in any way her newfound power would allow her.

- Of course, her transition to Grandma happens a bit differently in the second season, but I will give some bittersweet thanks to the anime once more for the obvious but curse them for also having this entire scene dark as hell. Let me see her beauty darn it! I can only fix the lighting so much until it looks overexposed and bad again.

Anyways, Sarah is still alive at this point and taunts Isabella with the escapee’s lives just to see how she would react, which gave her a small sense of hope. Then some demons pay a visit later on and also ask if she would want to see the children one last time, but Isabella tells them that not only would she be too ashamed to face them but that they would manage to survive Grandma’s capture plan, which involved several men blowing up their shelter. It’s now clear to the demons that these children are special, and while Isabella agrees, it’s not for the same reason the demons think so. The demons believe the kids are special because of how they were raised to such a high quality. Isabella calls them special simply because they’re her children, just as any mother would.

- In the anime, it’s the demons who offer Isabella the Grandma deal if Sarah’s current plan were to fail (which it does) and she takes it and the freedom from Grace Field House without question. Do I still believe she had similar intentions to help out the children like she did in manga at this point? Of course.

- Not even a full month into her new job did she start preparing to help Emma & the others by considering who from the current Sisters she wanted to recruit to personally assist her destroy the farm entirely.

- A month later and Isabella had already decreased the number of shipments that took place at Grace Field, which obviously helps raise the quality of the children by default, but it also means less death and gives those kids a chance to live longer.

- She completely anticipated that Matilda, Jessica, Sienna & Scarlet were conspiring against her and caught them quite easily, as they were among the top scorers.

- Each had a fair chance at becoming Moms but with those positions limited, it was obvious to figure out they were trying to force Isabella’s seat open by creating some suspicious activity to place on her almost perfect record. Unfortunately for the girls, our new Grandma is too smart for her own good and I love it.

- The four women are apprehensive to join her insane plan to go against the farm, but Isabella assures them there’s no freedom if they follow the system’s rules and betray her. The harsh reality they’re all living in will continue unless they stop competing with one another and combine forces to defeat the true enemy.

- To persuade them further, Isabella mentions the children they all gave birth to are still alive, bringing out an array of emotions from the women that they each thought they had buried deep down.

- THIS! Just all of this is wonderful and shows just how much Isabella learned from her children who once defeated her.

- To fully gain the women’s trust, she gives them Ray’s farewell note that he originally left in order to bait Krone, as proof she won’t double-cross them at any point.

- I love the fact that she kept the note close to her because it acts just like all the other various toys and items she saved in her secret room back at plant 3. The original owners were all precious to her so she kept a piece of them behind to remember them in a place only she knew about. As I said before when mentioning her “I wish I could have just loved them normally” quote, all the love she had for her children had to be suppressed when she was under the system’s control, but that doesn’t mean she never cared. Because she did, and if I haven’t made at least that clear by now then I’m failing.

- Can her intentions and love for her children be any more clear? (possibly, i’m not done with this darn post yet. how you guys holding up? i’m going a little insane at this point.)

- Anyways! Second season didn’t make the rest of the story easy so apologies for any timeline mishaps as I switch between both anime and manga events from here on out.. like how in manga Isabella is informed of the escapee’s return to Grace Field via Peter, while the in the anime it’s her who helps lures them back with a fake transmission via the radio they stole.

- Just before Emma & the others do return to Grace Field on November 13, Isabella finally reaches out to the farm’s many other Sisters to recruit them. She waited until the right moment to inform them of her crazy takeover plan so Peter wouldn’t become suspicious from all of headquarters acting/thinking differently (you know, like how Emma kept the jailbreak plan under wraps until the night of). These ladies also feel a bit wary and even think of Isabella’s offer as a joke, but with some real, heartfelt encouragement, she manages to win over every single woman to her side.

- The moment when it was first revealed to us that she was not only still alive but was also promoted to Grandma is still so powerful.

- She snaps Nat’s finger back into place after Peter broke it. (and considering emma’s group infiltrates the farm right after this, i’m pretty sure that ch170 with rallying the sisters took place before this..i think?)

- Gave me a minor heart attack.

- *CLAPS FRANTICALLY!!!* The moment she truly won me over. 

- While her betrayal against Peter in the manga is fantastic and quite possibly one of my favorite moments, the anime did give us a little something too. It shows Peter spewing utter nonsense to Emma about how she’s destined to fail, only for best girl to bite back with such a fantastic quote, and then Isabella drops the act and switches sides. While I agree Emma’s comeback is “wonderful,” it’s the English dub that completely wins me over in this scene by having Isabella comment “Now that’s my girl” instead, like bro.. hearing that makes me so happy.

- For real dude, you have several highly skilled women pointing guns at you, I think her betrayal is crystal clear.

- This is like the perfect example of how she had to conceal her feelings while bound by the system. She just misses these kids so much y’all but she can’t let her true emotions show yet.

- Having her call Peter a boy is beyond hilarious to me. Also, how she disagrees with him on so many levels is excellent, like how he believes in experimenting on kids and having the right to call yourself their parent just because you created them, while Isabella believes in raising and loving children normally and that you earn that parent title by actually being part of their lives. To be fair they both inflicted pain on kids (Nat’s finger/Emma’s leg) but Peter’s action was a mistake in itself. Isabella got frustrated back when Krone even threatened to ship out the kids who discovered the secret, so you can bet she’s probably pissed off at this boy for harming one of her kids on purpose.

- The best mother-daughter moment ever! It’s such a shame it never got truly animated since the second season decided not to give the children guns, but we get to see a small smile from Isabella after Emma decided to still call her “mom.”

- The anime never gave Peter the chance to run away, like he (somehow) managed to do in manga, so we had the chance to see someone actually shoot at him. Well, in his general direction at least. Isabella lands a perfect shot not even a full second after he pulls out that disc. Accuracy on point.

- Said this once or twice in the past in manga so I’m glad the anime brought it back.

- Remains cautious and keeps her gun raised at Peter when Emma approaches him and rightfully so considering he still had his knife hidden at this point.

- Refuses Emma’s offer to join the kids in the human world at first because she knows that her (& the sister’s) actions shouldn’t be forgiven so easily, but with some rather blunt sympathy from Ray and encouragement from her other children, she finally gives in.

- This entire post summed up in one image.

- She apologizes even though distancing herself from her kids and preparing them for death were just required of her role as a caretaker. She wouldn’t have done any of that in a normal world. (do i sound like a broken record yet? probably)

- The emotion you hear in her voice during this entire dub scene hits my heart in all the right places.

- She still thinks of Leslie after all this time and I think that’s real cute.

- Her protective nature is on full display when she protects Emma from this bastard of a demon. A truly surprising and heartbreaking moment, considering this is the woman who’s survival used to be her top and only priority in the past, but now doesn’t hesitate to give her life in order to save her kid (and by extension that small girl emma saved. also, major heart attack for me).

- Despite being critically injured, this woman still possess enough strength to hold back a demon twice her size. She doesn’t even pay any mind to its nonsense. Like the demon, people often think this is when redemption arc starts but I believe it started way back in ch37 when Isabella retrieved and hid the ropes the kids used to escape. Ever since she admitted defeat on the wall that night, she threw caution to the wind and began cheating the system in hopes to one day assist the kids achieve a brighter future. Despite all the work she’s done behind the scenes, Isabella believes there’s still so much more she can do to atone, so even though she’s already received the children’s forgiveness, she continues to assist them by jumping in and saving them directly from demons for once in her life.

- Ma’am it’s sweet you’re so concerned with their safety, but we should be asking you that question ya know? (but then again emma was the same way after she woke up from her coma).

- Knows that just apologizing and saving Emma isn’t enough to suddenly forgive all her actions and wants to do so much more for the children as a result. Even though I already acknowledged all her subtle and hidden moments, I wish we got to see her care for them more openly.

- I simply can not read through ch177 and not get emotional. No matter how hard I try, I always feel tears start to form in my eyes. Oh my god, how cruel that death can be this beautiful. It’s so unfair.

- *uses old chapter review because I’m too upset right now* “She apologizes for everything. For not treating him right and loving him as a mother normally would her own son. For making him despise his life so much and enduring so much pain that he thought the only escape was suicide.”

- “She leaves him with one last wish to protect everyone, and that completely breaks me because you know exactly how much they both care for their family. Not only would they literally die for their family, but they would live for them too if someone asked. Truly like mother, like son.” (aaaaaahhhhh)

- Her, umm.. ghost (along with Conny’s & Yuugo’s) help Ray reunite with Emma in 2049.

- All my tears aside, the anime did something right by actually keeping her ALIVE!

- Have you ever seen something so GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL in all your life?? This image is so powerful it literally tossed aside any salty feelings I had that night with how the second season ended. Seeing her like this grants me so much happiness y’all, it’s truly unbelievable. I still can’t get over it and hopefully I never will.

Okay, now I’m done, thank god. Sorry this is like ridiculously long, especially since she’s absent for sooo many chapters. Also find it so hilarious how drastic my opinion of her changed from the beginning to now, from “bitch” to “oh my god I love her so much.” I know people will always have opposing opinions whether she’s actually a good mother or not and that’s totally fine. Wasn’t trying to convince y’all of that either because yes, some of her actions are real unforgivable, but she was suffering under the farm system too and just followed through with what she was trained to do in order to survive, but while other Sisters fought to climb ranks and help themselves survive, Isabella ultimately wanted the best for her children. The more power she gained, the more risks she took and once the system crashed so did her facade.

An absolute queen.

#the promised neverland #mother isabella #tpn isabella #tpn manga #tpn anime #chidoroki used chatter

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Text

LIGHTWOOD BANES WEEK - ALEC & RAFE

“All good?” Alec knocked on the door.

He sounded calm - but only because he tried his best not to sound as excited as felt. He had been waiting for this day for quite a long time and he couldn’t believe it was all happening.

There was no response from the other side so Alec knocked again. No response. Maybe Rafe had overslept. Alec did notice that the light in the room hadn't gone out till early morning.

“Alright, I am coming in,” Alec said and gently pushed the door open.

He saw his son sitting on the bed, still in his purple pyjamas, hugging his knees to his chest. He kept his eyes to the floor and avoided Alec’s worried gaze. Alec didn't know what was wrong but he wished Magnus was here - he would know how to deal with this.

His way of dealing with it would of course to make an ill timed joke. Maybe Alec should try that.

“I know your bapa taught you that being fashionably late is cool,” Alec said with a grin. “But you can't be late to your own rune ceremony, buddy.”

Rafe looked up with an incredulous look on his face, he seemed a little exasperated. Alright maybe Alec wasn't the funny dad. So he tried to use his own tactics.

He knelt down in front his son and scanned Rafe’s face. “I know it is a little scary to get your first rune, but it doesn't hurt as much as you think, I promise. You are a shadowhunter. You will get used to it.”

Rafe looked away.

“What if I didn't want to be a shadowhunter?”

Something in Alec’s heart stopped or broke or burst into a million pieces. He wasn't sure and it didn't matter. He wasn't concerned by the heart inside his body. He was concerned about the little heart in front of him.

“Rafael,” Alec said softly. “What's wrong?”

The boy took a deep breath and looked up at him. “I am not just any shadowhunter, am I?”

Alec cocked his head in confusion.

“I am not just any shadowhunter,” Rafael repeated. “I am a Lightwood.”

Alec couldn’t help but smile a little at that and put his hand on Rafael’s shoulder. “Yes. Yes, you are. You’re a Lightwood.”

Rafael pushed it away. “But I am not, aren't I?”

“What do you mean?” Alec asked, genuinely confused.

“I am both a Lightwood and I am not,” Rafael explained frustratedly.

“Rafe, wha-”

“I am the son of the Consul, a hero of the Dark War and the founder of the Shadowhunter Downworlder Alliance,” Rafael said as if he was reciting a practiced speech.

Alec would have blushed in any other situation but right now he was only worried. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” Rafe shook his head. “You did everything right and I...I am just worried that I won't.”

“Rafael,” Alec sighed. “You are not me. You don't have to do what I did or do.”

“But it isn't just about you,” Rafael bit his lip. “It’s all of you. Every single one. Aunt Izzy is one of the best fighters in the world. Abuelo was the freaking inquisitor and Uncle Jace...Well, he is Uncle Jace.”

Alec didn't know what to do. In this head, he heard Magnus’s voice when he spoke to Max when their blueberry got too stressed during their magic lessons.

“Smell the flowers and blow the candles,” Magnus would tell their son.

Alec took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.

“Do you want me to tell you that you are going to be great just like all of us?” Alec asked, even though he knew the answer.

“No, I don't want you do that,” Rafael said stubbornly. “Because I know I won't be.”

“Why do you think so?”

“Because I am not a Lightwood, dad,” Rafael almost shouted. “Not really. I am just..I am just some boy you found in the streets. So whatever genes that make you the rest of you amazing and awesome and cool and perfect - it’s not gonna work for me.”

Alec stared at his son then. Rafael's body was hunched as if he was protecting himself from everything the world was going through at him after today.

It wasn't easy being a shadowhunter - and it definitely wasn't easy being a Lightwood.

Rafael looked at him in the eye then, his lips wobbling a little. “I am scared I won't be good enough.”

He looked at those tiny little shoulders and realized the amount of pressure that sat on them. Alec had once been worried about not being able to fill the shoes of his ancestors - of not being able to bring his parents glory. He had been terrified of not being good enough to bear his family name. The Lightwood name.

Now his son was feeling the very same. Alec wondered whether all shadowhunters felt this way at one point or another.

“Listen,” Alec said gently. “Izzy is the best at what she does because she trains every single day. Not because she is a Lightwood. Yes, my dad was the inquisitor but he wasn't perfect. Lightwoods make mistakes too. And regardless of whether he is a Lightwood or a Herondale or Wayland, Uncle Jace is Uncle Jace not because he was born to be that person but because he choose to be. And I...I might be the Consul but I was a scared little boy for a long time too.”

Rafael still looked unconvinced and frustrated and stubborn.

“I am not going to say your last name doesn't matter. It does and it always will. We are treated differently than others because of our last name. We have been given chances and opportunities because of our last name.”

“Your tutor,” Raphael said weakly. “He was punished worse...”

Magnus and Alec had decided long ago that it was imperative for their children to know their history - all of it and from all sides.

“He got the worst of it and my parents didn't - because they are Lightwoods,” Alec admitted.

Alec looked at his son and spoke in a tone that Magnus often called his ‘Consul voice’.

“It is an honour to be a Lightwood. Our name has power and privilege,” Alec told his son. “But it is also a responsibility.”

Rafael nodded meekly. “I am responsible to uphold our family name?” his son asked in a quiet tone.

“No,” Alec said. “You are responsible to use this power and privilege to help those who don't have it.”

Rafael looked up then.

“You are not wrong to be afraid, Rafe. You are a smart kid and you are right. People will see you differently and hold you accountable to higher standards. I know it's not fair. Sometimes it can be difficult. People will always expect you to be a certain way because of your last name or your gender or your race or so many other things...But you need to be true to yourself. That’s what it means to be a Lightwood.”

Rafael sat up straight, listening intently now.

“Your mandate as a shadowhunter is to defend what is good and protect what is innocent,” Alec said firmly. “But your mandate as a Lightwood is to fight for yourself.”

“Like you did?” Rafe asked, his lips curving, just a little.

“And like so many others before,” Alec smiled. “Some day soon, your bapa will tell you about other Lightwoods who fought for themselves - Christopher and Anna and Thomas and so many others.”

Rafael actually smiled then - he always liked listening to his bapa’s stories.

“If you don't want to be a shadowhunter, then we will not force you,” Alec said seriously now. “All we want is for you to be happy. To be yourself.”

“I do want to be a shadowhunter,” Rafael confessed in a whisper. “I am just...scared. I am scared that I won't be good enough. I am scared that people will think I am not good enough.”

“As was I, Rafe,” Alec said softly, rubbing his son’s cheek. “I sometimes still feel like I am not good enough. When you feel that way, just give your best shot and remember that it is more than enough. It doesn't matter what other people think or say. That’s one more Lightwood trait for you. We don't let other people tell us who we are. We decide it for ourselves.”

“But I do care about what you think," Rafael said in a small voice. "Do you think I'm gonna be a good shadowhunter?”

“100%," Alec said without hesitation.

“How do you know?” Rafe asked skeptically.

“Because you are not even a shadowhunter yet and you are already trying to figure out how to be a good one,” Alec laughed. “A good fighter is always prepared. You are going to be just fine.”

“Because my last name is Lightwood?” Rafael teased.

“Because your last name is Lightwood-Bane,” Alec corrected with a grin. “Now I know there aren't many Banes and I myself know only one. But he is the best man I know.”

“He is the best I man I know too,” Rafe grinned. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Alec grinned back.

“Okay then,” Rafael hopped off the bed and walked towards his closet - which was larger than Alec’s own. “Let’s get dressed for my big day.”

“I am afraid my amazing, awesome, cool and perfect Lightwood genes are not going to be very helpful here,” Alec ruffled his son’s hair.

Rafael giggled as he excitedly picked a red shirt from his closet. Alec looked at his son and walked back and knelt down again.

“I just want you to remember one thing,” Alec stared into his son’s eyes. “You were never just some boy found in the streets. I knew you were mine the moment I saw you. I knew you were my baby even then.”

“I know, dad,” Rafael replied shyly.

“No matter what anyone says, you are a Lightwood and you will always be my son.”

Rafael put his arms around his neck and hugged Alec tightly. “I know. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Alec kissed the top of his head and walked back to the door. “Now hurry up and get dressed. Your Consul commands it.”

“Boludo,” he heard his son chuckle and Alec couldn't help but chuckle himself.

#this is an edited repost but I AM LOVE THEM YOUR HONOUR #alec lightwood #rafael lightwood bane #dani writes stuff #lightwood bane family #lightwood banes week #malec month

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