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strawheart-pirate · 3 months

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One Bed, Two Sinners

Zoro x afab!Reader

This is my Secret Santa for @eelnoise ! Merry belated christmas, Zi! I hope you enjoy! Love you 💚

Words: 3518 CW: N!SFW / pre relationship / nightmares / comfort / kissing / smut / oral (f receiving) / piv sex / no pronouns or nicknames used

You were aboard the Polar Tang, on your way to Wano, when you anchored at a small island. Robin, Usopp, Franky, Zoro and you decide to stay in a hotel for at least one night instead of sleeping in the already cramped Polar Tang. Nothing goes as expected, and as nightmares plague your sleep, Zoro can't find it in himself to see you suffer. Will he succeed and turn your nightmares into the sweetest of dreams?

Half of the Straw Hat crew, including you, were aboard the Polar Tang on its way to Wano. When Trafalgar Law commanded to anchor for the night at a small island to get some air and supplies, you finally see your chance to sleep in a comfortable bed. No offense, the makeshift beds in one of the Polar Tang’s storage rooms are better than nothing. But escaping the cramped conditions and having a real bed for just one night was far too tempting for all of you, so the five of you decided to check into a nearby hotel. You waited outside while Robin talked to the receptionist, and once she returned, she handed each of you your key cards.

"They only had three rooms left, which means we have to pair up. I'll share a room with Franky and you could draw straws? Winner gets a room to themselves?" Robin suggested.

"Yeah, sounds fair." You said and Usopp and Zoro nodded. Franky prepared the straws and offered them to you. "Ladies first."

You hesitated for a moment before grabbing your straw. After you'd chosen yours, Zoro and Usopp chose theirs and on the count of three you all pulled your straws up.

"Yes! Finally a peaceful night!" Usopp chimed. He had drawn the shortest straw and won the game.

Zoro accepted the news with a neutral face without showing any emotion and you smiled, seeing Usopp so happy was just precious and you were happy for him. Well, until you remembered that you'd be sharing a room with Zoro. Pirate hunter Zoro, your crush for at least a year. It was only after you were all separated by Kuma that you realized your feelings. You missed everyone, but you missed him more. In a different way. And those first little feelings only intensified when you saw what a man he had become after the two years of separation. He was so much more. More handsome, more strong, more muscular. More of everything.

Unfortunately, he was not the least bit aware of you. So you kept to yourself, dreaming from afar and just being happy to be part of the same crew. You took a few deep breaths and calmed your mind as the five of you went to your rooms. It was just one night, and it's not like you need to cuddle up. The bed is big enough with two blankets and two pillows and you wouldn't even notice him. With a fluid motion, you used your card to open the door and stepped into your room.

Your smile immediately disappeared and all your worries returned. One bed. There was only one bed in the huge ass room. A single-sized bed with just one pillow and one blanket. Your eyelids twitched. Zoro pushed past you as he entered the room, his shoulder brushing yours lightly.

"Don't worry, I'll just sleep on the floor." Zoro said in his usual careless voice and sat down on the floor, right next to the door.

"No... This must be a mistake, they must have mixed up something... I guess Usopp has our room?" You felt nervous. This must be a mistake, this cannot be... You were about to go out the door again and ask Usopp, when Zoro stopped you.

"Don't. He's probably asleep by now. And like I said, I don't mind." He said with a calm voice.

"But I feel really bad being the only one who has the comfort of a bed..." I tried one last time without giving myself away. Was he for real? Even the makeshift beds in the Polar Tang were more comfortable than the floor.

"It's okay, I'm used to it. Just sleep." He said, his eyes already closed as he sat next to the door with his back to the wall and his arms crossed.

You sighed defeated. You knew he was stubborn and had his pride and there was nothing you could do to change his mind. So you went to the bathroom, changed into some more comfortable clothes and went to bed.

"Okay. Night, Zoro." You turned your back to him, getting only a light snore as an answer, and turned off the light, ready to fall asleep. You still felt bad leaving him on the floor, but there was no solution to your problem. There was no bigger bed, no second blanket, no extra pillow. You pushed those thoughts aside. It took a while, but you managed to fall asleep to Zoro's soft, rhythmic breathing.

---

It was in the middle of the night when Zoro sensed that something was wrong. He kept his eyes closed and concentrated on his surroundings, letting his haki search the entire hotel when he heard the soft whimper. When he was sure that there was nothing that could be a threat to the crew, he opened his eyes and looked at you. You were shivering and whimpering. Probably a nightmare... He guessed and thought for a moment what to do. He couldn't just walk over and wake you up. His options were limited. A silent 'please....' escaped your curled up form and he sighed. He just couldn't leave you like this.

"Hey..." He spoke at a low volume. "Hey, Y/N."

He waited a moment to see if he was successful, but then you whimpered again.

"Wake up." This time he tried a bit louder, but still softly, because he didn't want to frighten you in any way.

Again he wasn't successful. He groaned and finally stood up. Silently, he placed a chair under the doorknob for extra security. He walked over to you and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Hey, wake up. It's just a nightmare." He tried a third time, hesitantly placing a hand on your shoulder.

The touch seemed to startle you, because you turned to face him, your hands clawing into his arm.

He took in your pained expression. There was sweat on your forehead and your knuckles were white from how hard you clawed into his skin. In another setting, your grip on him would have brought him to his knees, but right now he wanted nothing more than to comfort you. Cursing under his breath, he turned on the soft light of the lamp on the bedside table and lay down beside you. He scooped your trembling form into his arms. Whispering sweet nothings into your ear, he watched as you finally began to calm down. With a gentle movement, he wiped the sweat from your face and laid his head on top of yours, cradling you in his arms, hopefully bringing you the most comfort.

His plan finally seemed to work as your grip on his arm loosened and you stopped shaking. He looked down at you and found a delicate little smile on your lips. All right, it was time for him to get up, but he just couldn't. The way your body felt in his arms, the way your hips pressed against his and how warm you were had him under a spell he couldn't break. He knew he should go, but he was being selfish. Your whole being had fascinated him since you joined the Straw Hats, but he never had the courage to tell you how he felt. He would look like a creep if you woke up now. But the way you felt in his hands when he finally got to hold you like he had dreamed of so many times... His body reacted to yours and his breathing was slightly labored as he looked down at you, just as you opened your eyes. He froze. Shit…

---

When you opened your eyes, you found the reason for the warmth you felt right above you. He was breathing heavily and his eyes were fixed on you with an intense gaze.

"Zoro?" You whispered. When did he join you in bed?

"You had a nightmare. Are you feeling better now?" He asked, his voice an octave lower than usual and his arms not moving. He seemed frozen.

"Yes... thank you..." You replied softly, noticing the way he was holding you, the impressive size of his arms and chest, and even the reaction of his body in his pants. A slight blush made its way to your face and you shifted in his arms. Your attempt to free your body from his hard-on failed miserably and you pressed even harder against him. Zoro hissed through clenched teeth and unfroze.

"...Yeah, I'll take my leave..." Zoro dropped you as if you burned him and sat up, freeing himself from the temptation to make you his in an instant. Your hand on his shoulder stopped him, and he knew that whatever you said next would decide your future.

"Stay..." You asked him softly and heard a slight moan from the greenette. "Please..."

"Do you even know what you are asking of me?" Zoro asked as he turned to you.

The way you looked at him told him all he needed to know. He got back into bed and crawled on top of you. Slowly, gracefully, like a predator. And you were his prey, looking at him wide-eyed and frozen in the heavy anticipation of what was to come. His piercing eyes felt like they were holding you in place and you bit your lip as he looked down at you, his hands beside your head.

It was only a second, but it felt like an eternity. You looked into each other's eyes with burning desire and in the blink of an eye, Zoro quickly pressed his lips to yours, stealing a needy kiss. He wrapped an arm around you and grabbed your side hard as he slipped his tongue past your lips for a much more passionate kiss. And you responded with a passion that nearly knocked him off his feet. All those repressed feelings surfaced and you couldn't get enough of him. It was not enough... not fast enough, not deep enough, too many clothes, too little skin on skin, you wanted more and so did he. Sharing wet kisses as your tongues entwined and tasted each other, you quickly pulled off his shirt and he pulled you into a sitting position to make short work of your clothes.

As soon as he had freed your torso of all clothing, he laid you back down and kissed your neck and collarbone like a desperate man. He was not rough, but eager as he made sure to taste every inch of your skin and memorize your sweet spots. You could only moan from the intensity and your hands made sure to explore every inch of his impressive frame you could reach. You traced every muscle on his large chest and shoulders, making him tremble at your touch. He kissed his way down your body, taking his time at your breasts, swirling his tongue around your hardened nipples before sucking on them. His hands remained on your soft chest, kneading it ever so gently as he kissed his way south, leaving a wet trail of his saliva glistening in the dim light of the room.

He pulled on your panties and looked up at you, giving you the choice of continuing or not. You nodded slightly, not trusting your voice, and looked at him with slightly parted lips. He smiled, proud that he had such an effect on you, and quickly removed your panties, leaving you naked in front of him. He took a moment to admire your body as he ran his finger along the trail of saliva before reaching your folds and slowly trailing his fingers down each side of your clit. You let out a small gasp and your eyes widened as you saw Zoro stand up. He wrapped his arms around your thighs and pulled you to the edge of the bed before sitting down in front of it. This took you by surprise and your eyes flickered with curiosity as he smiled mischievously just before burying his face between your thighs.

He licked slowly from your cunt to your clit and a deep growl rumbled in his chest. "So sweet..." He whispered and his hot breath fanned your folds as your taste exploded on his tongue, setting his taste buds on fire. You were already dripping wet and tasted like heaven to him and he wasted no time in devouring you like his last meal. His tongue swirled around your clit before he sucked on it, making you twitch as you let out a soft moan. His eyes were glued to you, noticing every little movement or the way you bit your lips, and your sweet moans were music to his ears. He flicked your knob repeatedly, mercilessly, making you squirm on the mattress. His arms wrapped around your legs, holding your hips in place as his fingers dug into your soft flesh. The spot was sensitive and you gasped. Zoro's mouth worked wonders on you, the constant licking and flicking of his tongue, the frequent sucking with his soft lips, the gentle scratching of his teeth over your sensitive knob. Everything he did brought you closer and closer to the edge and your moans became louder and louder. He loved every single sound you made, every wriggle and when your hands grabbed the sheets in sheer bliss. He wanted to savor this moment as long as possible, but his restrained cock throbbed in his pants and he needed you.

He released your hips with one hand and licked two of his fingers before sliding them through your folds and slowly pushing them inside you. He made sure to stimulate your clit as his fingers explored your insides, caressing your velvety walls until he found the spongy sweet spot inside of you. He drew gentle circles with his fingers and watched as you responded to his movements with a shiver down your spine. You were so close, he could see it in the way you shivered and squirmed. He put his other hand flat on your belly to hold you down as he applied more pressure to the spot inside you. The licking and sucking on your knob increased and you couldn't last much longer. "Zoro!" You moaned as you let go and your orgasm washed over you like a wave. He watched as you trembled and shook, your thighs pressing against his head, holding him in place as he kept going to make sure you rode out your high completely. Ecstasy coursed through your veins, and as his tongue became a painful torment on your clit from the overstimulation, you grabbed his hair and yanked his head away. He let go and immediately pulled his fingers back. As he looked at you, he grinned like a madman who had just tasted heaven, his lower face glistening with your juices. You were panting heavily from the pleasure you had just felt and your cunt still clenched around nothing, feeling the afterglow intensely.

"That was an impressive performance." He smirked and crawled on top of you. His lips captured yours, giving you a taste of your own juices as he kissed you. You hummed, his lips desirous yet gentle, giving you time to cool down after your high before you dive into another round of pleasure. You ran your hands down his sides, feeling every curve of his ribs and muscles until your hands reached his waistband. You palmed the bulge in his pants as Zoro pushed his tongue into your mouth, making the kiss more passionate as he sensed you were ready to go again. Your fingers were quick, opening his pants in no time and freeing his cock. You couldn't see it yet, but you felt it. It was thick and girthy. A prominent vein ran from top to bottom. Its head was massive and the slit at the top leaked pre-cum. You dipped your finger in the sticky fluid and swirled it around his tip, making him growl into your open-mouthed kiss.

He pulled away and stripped off all his clothes, giving you the opportunity to admire his body. You knew his impressive chest from all the times he displayed it openly, but what took your breath away was his waist. The slender, defined part of his torso that only made his chest look even wider. His cock twitched as he noticed your ravenous eyes on him and with steady movements he made his way back on top of you, his muscles beautifully illuminated as they shifted with his movements.

He ran his hand over your curves and you spread your legs to welcome him between your thighs. He grinned, but his eyes looked at you with a gentle expression. "Are you ready?"

"Yes." You whispered softly, ready for him and for this.

He propped himself up with one arm while his other hand aligned his member with your entrance. He rubbed the head over your slick folds a few times before pushing the head inside. Although you had seen and felt it in your hands before, you were still surprised and gasped at the thickness. Zoro kissed your lips tenderly, distracting and relaxing you as he pushed deeper and deeper until he bottomed out. "Shit..." He hissed through gritted teeth as he threw his head back. You were so tight around his length, testing his patience as he wanted nothing more than to rut relentlessly into you. You whimpered as you felt like you were being split in half. Taking deep breaths, you slowly adjusted to his size and finally gave him a sign that it was safe to move.

He started slowly, enjoying the feeling of your tight walls and your warmth around him. "Zoro... mhh..." You moaned as he placed both hands beside you again, picking up the pace and stopping the teasing. His length was so deep inside you, kissing your insides, and you gripped his biceps tightly as the knot in your stomach tightened with each thrust. Your mouth hung open and your breathing was labored, but you had the most mesmerizing view. Your gaze was fixed on the muscles in his chest as they twitched with each thrust, giving you quite a show of that 110cm chest. Zoro went down on his elbows, breaking your view of his chest, and looked deep into your eyes. His angle changed and he was now deeper inside you, hitting your sweet spot every time. Sweat formed on his forehead and his earrings jingled as his thrusts became stronger and more intense. You moaned louder, not able to keep it together anymore which earned you a satisfied growl from Zoro, who loved your sounds. Your legs trembled slightly which was a clear sign that you were close to your climax. "Zoro, I'm close..." You whispered between moans and Zoro responded with an open-mouthed kiss before he pushed himself up onto his knees.

He folded your legs against your chest and pulled you back onto his dick as he changed position. You grabbed the sheets for support as you began to tremble underneath him from the way his tip kissed your cervix deep inside you. "Come for me..." He pressed through his clenched teeth, his voice dripping with desire, and you gladly complied. His next thrust pushed you over the edge and the knot in your stomach exploded, making you see stars. You moaned his name as he pounded mercilessly into you, making sure to fuck you through your high. Your walls squeezed him tight and he growled deep as you pushed him over the edge with you. His thrust became sloppier as he shot his seed deep into you, making sure to fill you to the brim. Ecstasy ran through both of you, igniting a feeling of utter satisfaction deep inside you as your climax slowly faded. You were both panting heavily and he collapsed on top of you, making sure not to suffocate you with his weight as your insides and his dick still twitched from the pleasure, but the exhaustion mixed into your systems.

After a moment, he rolled off of you and gently pulled you into his arms, stroking your hair from your sweaty forehead. You snuggled against him and rested your head on his chest, enjoying how his sculptured chest felt like it was made for you. You both enjoyed the afterglow as you shared gentle touches and light kisses. There was no need to speak as your actions spoke louder than any words could have.

But there was one last thing burning in your mind, a fear that he would leave your side when you fell asleep and that this was all just a dream. So before you could fall asleep in his arms, you had to know, and you chose your words carefully.

"Will you stay with me?"

There was no hesitation from Zoro and you could hear a light chuckle rumbling in his chest.

He pressed another affectionate kiss to your temple and wrapped you a little tighter into his arms.

“For as long as you’ll have me.”

All content unless otherwise stated belongs to: ©Strawheart-pirate. Please do not copy / modify / translate / repost my writing, banners or art on other platforms. Comments, reblogs or likes are highly appreciated!

#one piece #roronoa zoro #zoro roronoa x you #zoro roronoa x reader #zoro x y/n #zoro x reader #afab reader #oneshot #fan fiction #smut #one piece smut #roronoa zoro smut #x reader #strawheart-pirate.writing

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turvi · 11 months

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Chicks Dig Bad Boys

Rodrick Heffley x Reader

According to Y/n, Rodrick was just another emo boy, a loser, a typical teenage dirtbag. At least, this is what she heard from Heather Hills. Y/n was shocked Heather even chose to talk to her. Not just because Heather is the 'it girl' of Westmore High School.

Y/n had cracked the code to deal with high school, and that was to avoid joining any kind of group and not get noticed by anyone. Even if you somehow develop a crush on someone, keep it a secret. So she was surprised when Heather sat beside her and decided to talk to her. Y/n merely shrugged her shoulder and nodded at appropriate times as she spoke, tuning out the blonde girl.

Of course, you were aware of the crush the boy was harbouring for Heather especially when he made a show of ruining Heather's birthday. Y/n saw it all happen and thought how Rodrick actually had a nice voice and had potential. So when Rodrick happened to sit beside her in the English class she off-handedly complimented his voice.

Y/n had expected him to give her a smug smile or make an inappropriate joke. What she didn't expect was to find a very flushed Rodrick who was trying to find the correct words to say to her. She couldn't believe her eyes. She never saw Rodrick become so flustered.

"Uh..th..thank you...it...it means a lot." Rodrick wanted to slap himself for speaking like forgot how to speak. Yeah sure he got a few claps and hollers when his band played but no one complimented his voice.

"Was that the first time you sang?" now she was intrigued. Rodrick looked up and saw a genuine smile on her face. He took a breath of relief. He had thought she was making fun of him.

"Uh..yeah. I only sing when we perform in my garage. I wanted to do something special for Heather. But clearly, it went wrong." he said as he ran his hand through his hair. Y/n almost extended her hand to fix his unruly hair but dropped her hand when she saw him smile. She felt her heart flutter

Shit

Now she had something to say to Rodrick, but she forgot when she saw him smile like that. Boys like him were not supposed to smile like that. He was not supposed to have such a soft smile. Her trance broke when she saw him smirking.

"I saw you last night...not in a creepy way. I mean... obviously, during all that chaos at Heather's birthday, I saw you." there was that damned smile again. "I didn't know you were friends with her." His tone had a genuine wonder.

Y/n chuckled. "I helped her a few times with assignments..not really a friend, but we know each other, plus free food. Who can say no to that?"

Y/n felt her cheeks warming up under his gaze and tried to hide it under the curtain of her hair when she suddenly felt his fingers against her cheek as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. At that moment, she realised Rodrick actually saw her. She realised Rodrick was more than a teenage dirtbag that the world told her to stay away from.

She cleared her throat "I have heard your band play...when I come to tutor Greg."

Rodrick's hand grew sweaty. He knew how loud his band practice was, mainly to annoy Greg and his best friend Rowley. But he can't help but felt guilty as he realised how much of a nuisance it would have been for her.

"I am so sorry if our practice disturbed you guys"

"Oh no it's ok..I actually don't mind. I like that kind of music. Although it would be nice if the volume is a bit low."

"yeah...yeah absolutely...no big deal we can even practice a bit later."

Rodrick looked ahead trying his best to control a giddy smile. He did not expect his morning to be this good.

"Great...so I will see you in the evening..if you don't mind"

"yeah yeah totally" Rodrick quickly responded with a big smile. He was looking forward to meeting her this evening...after he locked Greg in the basement again.

A/N: Ladies and Gentlemen the boy who got me into bad boys. Rodrick Heffley. I couldn't stop myself from writing for him. I feel like a teen again. REBLOG AND COMMENT if you like this.

#rodrick heffley x reader #rodrick heffley x y/n #rodrick x y/n #rodrick x reader #rodrick heffley #rodrick rules #diary of a wimpy kid #diary of a wimpy kid rodrick rules #diary of a wimpy kid rodrick #rodrick imagines #devon bostick #devon bostick x reader #greg heffley #diary of a wimpy kid imagines #rodrick heffley fluff #rodrick fanfic #rodrick heffley fanfic #rodrick heffley imagine #turvi writes

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msperfect777 · 9 months

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finally, play a new game

⭐️part twelve of the understanding consciousness & non dualism series

hi cuties. this is the last post of the understanding consciousness and non dualism series and i want to say thank you so much for everyone that supported me. im happy that my posts helped ppl understand this concept better. the aim of the series was to break down the topics so that it can be easier to comprehend even though its so simple but the ego makes it seem harder (as you can already assume).

by now you understand that your real and only identity is consciousness / awareness / the observer / the source / imagination and everything is consciousness ("your" phone, "your" mother) which appear as separate and different forms even though its all the same thing, you. nothing is real and everything is imaginary. imagining something is the same as having it in the "physical world" bc there is no "physical world" bc there is no separation bc everything is just consciousness. nothing is real but things exist when you become aware of them (example: these words can never be real but they exist bc you are aware of it). this human body and thoughts/ego is not the real you, real identity. its not real its just appearing as something else. consciousness is the only reality so reality is everywhere bc consciousness is everything. desires arent real bc the moment you become aware of something, it exists instantly, youve experienced it instantly. "desires" are you. you dont create anything, you are everything. forms of consciousness just appear as separate but arent. even the 5 senses arent real and are limited to the power you are (consciousness). as the observer, you observe everything (in the unreal physical and in imagination).

the point of non dualism is to realize your true self (consciousness) and be free from suffering in this "life" that you think is real. remove and be free from all concepts and beliefs and the past. they are not real and never will be. once you understand non dualism, there is no suffering or pain or no issue. you cannot take things seriously bc you know none of this is real in the first place. personally, i think the point of "life" is to realize your true nature and enjoy life and peace with whatever ego desires. if ego desires being a rockstar or having piercings or getting free money, then thats what it is. the point is to experience whatever ego wants to experience.

all this is just a game.

you are the game character (human being), you are the game's plot, you are the producers of the game, the one playing the game, the game console, the game itself, everything. and this game is all imaginary.

be present and enjoy everything bc its all you. ego desires something? be that desire and imagine it.

none of this shit is real so i can and will treat myself how ego wants to be treated in imagination since its no difference if its in imagination or in the "physical" bc both are imagination either way. ego wants to go to the beach? in imagination i will go to the beach and enjoy every second. you see how free it is to imagine whatever knowing that imagination is everything and everywhere? its unlimited. you are unlimited.

how to play a new game:

imagine the "desire"

done. it exists and i experienced it instantly.

the 5 senses are not real as said before and the "physical" is the same as whatever you imagine. if you depend on the unreal "physical world" then you are limiting yourself to the body's unreal senses. what powerful being would limit themselves to an unreal thing?

whatever ego wants, i will be bc thats the game and rules i chose. there is no such thing as something against me or restrictions or oppositions or something that is making it "hard". everything is unreal and is me (consciousness) either way. you dont have power, you are power.

realize you already are whatever ego desires. you are already living in imagination and you always will be. experience whatever it is you want to experience.

#non dualism #non duality #consciousness #observer #advaita #spirituality #nonduality #nondualism #enlightenment #law of assumption

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upsidedownwithsteve · 2 months

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A message.

I’d like to start by saying once more (due to it being the cause of so many hateful messages) that I support Palestine.

I donate to charities that fund several of the organisations that help and I use my business in the best way I can to give my services for free to fundraisers that also raise money for these causes. Shy of showing you my personal bank statements and private emails between myself and my clients, I don’t have any ways of showing this on tumblr.

I have several social media platforms, I have a business that I run, I have friends and family I talk to, I have an entire life off of this website. I choose to use tumblr to post my writing and for the most part, it’s become a really important space for me. Writing is one of the few things I truly do for myself. I enjoy it immensely and it can really bring me a lot of peace.

I choose not to blog anything other my writing, other people’s writing and general fandom related things on my blog because I like to keep it as that small space for myself and one of the things I love most. I understand wholly that that is a privilege in itself and I will not shy away from that fact.

However, I will not condone being hunted for the choices I make. For the vast majority of you, I am a stranger online and no one, absolutely no one, knows what I do off of this website. I won’t allow anyone to judge me on what they don’t see and don’t understand.

The size of my following was not a choice I made, it was not something I deliberately aimed for and it was not something I tried hard to make sure I achieved. It wasn’t the goal of this blog. I don’t deem myself capable of “influencing” anyone in anyway. I’m a fanfiction writer. I’m not a politician, I don’t claim to be the most educated person on political and worldwide matters. I simply would like to believe that everyone tries to help in anyway they can. I know not everyone has the financial means to donate and instead they choose to raise awareness in other ways - that’s absolutely okay.

But I - and others - do not have to follow the rule book someone else deemed law. You see, I gave my views and reasons and it wasn’t good enough. And now, if I chose to reblog certain things, I’m pretty sure I’d be dragged for being performative, or “back tracking.” I fear that with some people, who like to hide behind an anonymous button, I cannot win. Despite an argument revolving around real life issues, I think I can safely say it came across as a very personal attack.

As other people have mentioned before, I also don’t enjoy the idea of writing smut and happy ever after’s about our favourite fictional men and then reblogging the death of others in real life straight after. I know that’s the world right now. I’m aware. I read articles, I watch the news, I follow accounts on Twitter, on Instagram and I try and keep myself as up to date and as educated as possible. I just don’t show that on this one platform.

As many of you know, I do run my own business. I’m also five months pregnant. I’m definitely experiencing more stress than I usually do. I’m very happy and enjoying my pregnancy immensely but I struggled with sickness and tiredness for the majority of it so far. Whats to come in the next four months and beyond fills me with excitement and anxiety and nerves. Coming onto tumblr and writing about fiction is a little reprieve from that - again, a privilege I am so aware of.

But I won’t be tolerating any more hateful messages, I won’t be arguing with anyone. I’m not lowering myself to it. You can talk about me passively aggressively, you can choose to hate me, that’s fine. I’m happy blocking people and moving on. Anons will be off indefinitely, it’s been proven that too many people are willing to hide behind them. After the messages regarding myself and my unborn child, quite frankly, there’s not a lot of trust left when it comes to knowing how far people will sink.

I’ve said all I’d like to say on the matter, I’ve told people where I stand, my views on the genocide that is occurring, what I’m able to do about it in my personal life and why I choose to keep this particular space the way I do.

I hope everyone can try to understand and respect that. If you don’t, that’s fine, that’s your prerogative. I don’t go out of my way to challenge, or police, or demand things from people I do not know. I hope that no one thinks that they have the right to do that to myself and others. I’m under no obligation to follow someone else’s rules.

I don’t know what the future holds for this blog, pregnancy and real life is very much taking priority over writing at the moment, but I do like to try when I can. I can’t lie either, the messages and their content that I received really left me feeling dejected and frustrated, this fandom really has turned into something rather poisonous. I’d like to be able to rise above it and in the mean time, even if I’m not always present, I’d like people to be able to access the stories I worked really hard on.

Thank you for reading,

Emmy 🧡

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randxmthxughts · 1 year

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Unrequited - Chapter 2 - Tsu'tey x Omatikaya!Reader

prologue | chapter 1

summary: on one particular night, y/n offers tsu'tey intimacy with no expectations in return, which sparks up a complex relationship between them. they grapple with guilt, unrequited love, and newfound intimacy, as y/n and tsu'tey navigate the depths of their feelings for each other

wc: 5.6k

contains: one-sided love, angst, smut, friends with benefits (ig), smut in this chapter!

a/n: a bit bummed out bc the last chapter did not receive as big of a response as i was expecting, and i'm not sure if it's bc of the time zones or bc it wasn't good enough, idk. but at this point, i'm basically continuing the series for myself, bc i'm excited for the direction i'll be taking with it. however, if you do enjoy the series, please show some love, it really does encourage me to write ♡

unrequited masterlist | general masterlist

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Tsu'tey's gaze fixated on you as you swayed in a circle of healers, performing a traditional mourning dance around the Mother Tree. The rest of the clan knelt around you, their arms linked in solidarity as they prayed to Eywa for the souls lost in battle. But instead of focusing on the prayer, Tsu'tey couldn't help but watch you, intrigued by how in sync you seemed with Mo'at and the rest of the healers. He had never seen this side of you. Frankly, he hadn't seen many sides of you, having treated you like any other member of the clan. Now, knowing that you had feelings for him, something started to shift in his brain.

Of course, you weren't the first to fall for the brave warrior, and Tsu'tey was well aware of the effect he had on other women. It never piqued his interest though, after all, everyone knew of his bond with Silwanin, and respected them as the future clan leaders. There was a brief period of time after Silwanin's passing when some women attempted to win his affection, but he quickly turned them down, knowing that his fate was to mate with Neytiri.

But the battle shook things up. Neytiri stepped out of her position as the tsakarem and chose Jake as her mate, who had become the Toruk Makto and finally earned the respect of the people. And although Tsu’tey was now supposed to lead his people as the new Olo'eyktan, he felt like his role in the clan had been shifted. Things were changing, and Tsu'tey felt the need to prove himself to be a worthy leader, so spending time with a girl whom he didn't love seemed pointless.

"Did Y/N do something?" Takuk whispered, bringing Tsu'tey back to the present.

"Hm? No, I was just looking," Tsu'tey cleared his throat, ashamed to have been caught.

"I know, I know," Takuk shook his head with a knowing smile, "She looks great. The guys have been talking about how much she changed lately."

"What?" Tsu'tey turned to him with a frown, "Why were they even discussing her?"

"Because she's been healing some of them," Takuk frowned too, unsure of Tsu'tey's confusion. "Didn't you know? Look, she helped me too."

Takuk pointed to his middle, leaves arranged carefully around a wound just below his ribcage. Tsu'tey observed it for a moment, realizing that the handiwork was similar to his bandaged arm. Mo'at did it differently, using less leaves, but your touch was unmistakable. Tsu'tey felt a twinge of envy, but he shook it off, refocusing on the prayer. He had no room for distractions, not when he had a whole clan to lead and protect.

Tsu’tey had always known he was destined to lead, but now, as the Olo'eyktan, the weight of his responsibilities weighed heavily upon him. It was quick, the way he stepped into the role, ordering repairs, disciplining warriors, and protecting families. People now gave him space, whenever he walked through the crowd, and deep bows of respect; even his friends who once rarely shied away from teasing him, were now more cautious of the things they said around him. But Tsu'tey couldn't help but notice how the air shifted whenever Jake was around too. As Toruk Makto, Jake had risen in the eye of the clan and earned his place. And despite considering Jake his brother, deep down Tsu'tey couldn't shake off the feeling that Jake had everything he was supposed to have, except the title. His family was feeding into this insecurity by harboring personal grudge against Jake, telling Tsu'tey that the demon had stolen Neytiri and left Tsu'tey to be a lone leader. That without a mate, he looked weak.

As the ceremony ended, Tsu'tey quickly made his way back to the Home Tree, his thoughts consumed by the recent changes in his life. He knew that he needed to focus on his duties as a leader, but he couldn't help the sense of longing for the life he could have had with Silwanin. His world had shifted, and he wasn't sure where he fit in anymore.

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Tsu'tey spent the next few nights tossing and turning, unable to sleep. He was going crazy over the plans for the village, as he worked tirelessly to prepare for the changes and recovery that lay ahead. With fewer wounded to tend to, he would now need more hands on deck, supporting his decisions. But what was bothering him more this particular night was the conversation with Mo'at in the healing hut, which had forced him to confront his future.

"Neytiri is now mated with the Toruk Makto," she shot him a meaningful gaze, unwrapping his bandaged arm, "She can no longer continue the legacy of Tsahik. You must choose another woman."

Tsu'tey only shook his head, a pained expression etched on his face. It was not the right time to think about another woman. Any woman. Tsu'tey did not wish to be forced into another bond that could be easily broken. He could never love anyone else but Silwanin, and losing Neytiri to Jake was proof of that. He felt embarrassed to become the chief without a mate, but he'd rather be embarrassed than make anybody else unhappy.

"Preparing another tsakarem will take time. You must choose quickly," Mo'at warned him, "And choose wisely."

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The first rays of sunlight were barely peeking through the Home Tree, when Tsu'tey climbed out of it. He trudged directionless, his mind weighing down by the recent hostility he had faced from his own parents. He had never expected to defend Jake, but they were brothers now, and Tsu'tey refused to be consumed by anger anymore. Tsu'tey's parents demanded that he punish Jake, and it sparked an insecurity in him that he never thought he had.

As he wandered through the outskirts of the forest, Tsu'tey stumbled upon you, for the first time in a few days since the ceremony, picking herbs. You were just as taken aback to see him, having expected him to be busy with his newfound duties as the chief. Tsu'tey cringed when you bowed to him deeper than usual, a gesture that reminded him of his position and only seemed to isolate him further.

"What are you doing here?" Tsu'tey asked, his voice raspy, almost accusatory.

"Gathering some aemies for the numbing paste," you answered, standing up, "Why are you here?"

"Wanted to clear my head," he admitted, catching you off guard.

"Do you need help with that?"

Tsu'tey quirked his eyebrow at you, but he didn't budge when you took a step towards him. His gaze drifted off to the basket of herbs, tucked under the roots of a nearby tree. He had no idea how much you were going out of your way to help the other healers. He wondered how long you were there for? He tried to remember anything about your life or your interests, but soon realized that he knew nothing about you. Of course, he had known your whole family, he knew that your older siblings were already with their mates and children. But he had never bothered to learn about your hobbies. Frankly, he knew as much about you as he did about any other clan member from afar. Was it a lapse on his part as an Olo'eyktan, or was it simply that he had never really seen you?

As you neared him, your hands brushed hesitantly against his waist. His left arm was now free of the bandage, and you assumed that Mo'at confirmed the healing of his bone. Still, you decided to be careful with him. Tsu'tey let out a long sigh, his gaze shifting to yours

"Why haven't you chosen a mate yet? You had your ceremony," he suddenly questioned you, catching you off guard.

You pulled away, dropping your hands from him with a scared look. Was it the nearing ending to your secret with Tsu'tey? Did he already promise someone to become his future mate? You were aware that he couldn't be a lone chief for a long time, that soon enough somebody will have to step up for Neytiri but it was a scary thought that you pushed as far as you could.

"You know why," you answered, earning his disapproving look.

"Y/N, I already told you -" he began to repeat himself, but you shook your head, interrupting him.

"And I already told you. I cannot force the ways of my heart. It feels what it feels."

"I cannot force my heart either, you know that."

"I know," you muttered.

Accepting that was easy, at least from afar, when you only watched him. But now having a taste of him, an illusion of maybe him loving you back, was bittersweet. You wished he would just stop telling you he didn't love you every time you talked.

"You’re a hypocrite," you challenged him, "Why are you asking about me having no mate when you don't have one yourself? You're the chief now. Pretty sure it's frowned upon to be a chief without a mate."

"Do not speak on matters that should not concern you," he gritted through his teeth.

"So you can ask me, but I cannot ask you the same?" you suddenly felt irritated with him.

"You are crossing a line," Tsu'tey took a step towards you in a warning, but you didn't budge, "I am the chief now. The concerns of my people are my concerns. You are now my concern."

You gulped down nervously, looking up at him from underneath your lashes. Tsu'tey was frustrated with you. You've seen this look on his face many times in your life, but it was never directed at you. Your voice caught up in your throat, as you realized how attractive he looked looming over you with a snarl.

"What are you -" you tried but the words left your mouth the second he covered it with his.

Tsu'tey wasn't sure why he kissed you, but it was becoming a familiar thing. It could have been out of his frustration with your stubbornness, or the fact that you were the only person who could distract him from the heavy weight on his mind. He felt like he was digging a deeper grave for the both of you, pushing himself into an endless cycle of lust, but it felt too good to pull away. It felt heavenly to be loved by someone who accepted him despite everything he hated about himself.

Your mind was already clouded, lost in the sensations of Tsu'tey's touch, when his arm snaked around you. You pulled him in by his neck, and as you bit down on his bottom lip, something tugged in the back of his brain. Tsu'tey pushed you against a tree, the rough bark painfully scratching your back and loosening the ties of your top. But you didn’t care, not as long as you felt his hands on you, his lips leaving wet kisses on your skin.

The loud sound of a broken twig shattered the trance, and Tsu'tey quickly put some space between you, looking into the trees for the source. You caught a glimpse of two hunters passing in the distance, completely oblivious to your presence, since you were hidden from their sight. Still, you felt uneasy thinking they could have caught you.

"Do you think they saw us?" you asked, worry creeping into your voice.

"No, they seem unbothered," Tsu'tey let out a relieved chuckle, the sound ringing out like music to your ears. "I'll come by to check on you later today, alright?"

You nodded, stunned by his ease of manner. Was that a promise? Tsu'tey bowed politely before retreating, leaving you alone with your thoughts. A thrill coursed through you at the idea of Tsu'tey making plans with you. No talks of guilt anymore, just the two of you.

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But as the day wore on and the evening approached, the lump in your throat seemed to swell to an almost unbearable size. Perhaps Tsu'tey had forgotten his promise; after all, he had plenty of duties to attend to. Or worse, maybe it was a deliberate attempt to hurt you and push you away. Tsu'tey had countless opportunities to catch you alone throughout the day, yet he hadn't made any effort to make an appearance. With each passing moment, your conviction grew stronger that he had no intention of keeping his word.

You let out a long sigh, as you peeled away the bandage from Takuk's middle. He had sought you out earlier in the day, asking to check on his wound after the training. Of course, you agreed without hesitation. So, as the sun began to set, you found Takuk not too far from the training camp and sat down to examine the wound that you had previously tended to with your own hands several days ago.

"Well, what's the verdict?" Takuk grinned at you, as your eyes surveyed his abdomen.

Though his skin still looked pale, the wound was perfectly closed off, leaving only a small red scar in its place. You removed the rest of the bandage.

"You do not need this anymore," you explained, earning a satisfied groan from him.

"I've been waiting to hear those words for days now," he expressed, and you couldn't help but smile at his reaction.

"What words?" Tsu'tey's serious voice cut in.

You turned to see him leaning against the tree, arms crossed on his chest with a curious gaze flickering between you and Takuk. You shifted uncomfortably when his eyes landed on you, and turned your attention back to Takuk instead. Tsu'tey frowned.

"That I don't need the stupid bandage anymore," Takuk explained, gesturing at you, "Y/N here managed to heal me in a matter of days. I feel as good as a newborn baby!"

You let out a chuckle at the joke, which warmed Takuk's heart. He looked at you adoringly, clearly having formed some sort of attachment to you. To Tsu'tey his intentions were more than clear.

"You fight like a baby, too," Tsu'tey retorted, feeling the need to establish a dynamic in front of you.

Takuk laughed heartily, but you felt a twinge of anger at Tsu'tey's behavior. He acted nonchalantly and now was joking about his subordinates in front of you? Rising to your feet, you ignored him and turned to Takuk.

"Be careful not to open up the wound again, alright?"

Takuk nodded eagerly, rising to his feet too. He was planning to walk back to the Home Tree with you, and Tsu'tey quickly picked up on it. The second the two of you bowed to him to leave, he caught you by your wrist. Takuk stared back at you confused.

"Go ahead, Takuk, Y/N and I have to discuss something," Tsu'tey said, still keeping his hand around yours.

Takuk was taken aback for a moment by Tsu'tey's sudden command, but he didn't argue and sprinted back into the forest. Once he was out of your sight, you wiggled your hand free from Tsu'tey's grasp, and brushed past him with an annoyed huff.

"I'll walk you back," Tsu'tey said loudly.

"I can walk on my own," you snarled, walking ahead of him, desperately trying to put a distance between the two of you.

"Slow down for a second," he commanded, "This is an order from your Olo'eyktan."

You huffed again, before turning around to face him. Tsu'tey stared back at you with an expectant look.

"What?"

"Why are you angry at me?" he asked.

You rolled your eyes at him before turning away again and continuing to walk. An annoyed growl vibrated through Tsu'tey's chest. He easily caught up to you and grabbed your wrist again to make you stop near the training hut. He could feel his frustration growing as you continued to ignore him.

"What is the matter?"

It was a matter of desperation to get away from his piercing eyes, to stop having to put up this angry act with him when in reality you were extremely heartbroken. Seeing him act as if nothing happened made you feel foolish. If he hadn't accidentally run into you, would he have bothered to check on you at all? The thought stung.

"I waited for you," you said, looking up at Tsu'tey with a mix of frustration and hurt. You pulled your hand away from his grasp.

"I am here, aren't I?"

"Not because you were looking for me. Am I wrong?"

Tsu'tey frowned at the truth you voiced. He had stumbled upon you by accident, not expecting to find you near the training camp at that hour.

"You are not wrong," he raised his palms in the air as a sign of defeat, "But I've got a lot on my plate right now. Let's just talk about it."

"What is there to talk about, Tsu'tey? You didn't show up, end of story."

Tsu'tey felt a pang of guilt in his chest, knowing that he deserved your harshness. As he went about his duties as Olo'eyktan, the weight of reality settled upon him, reminding him that there was no way for you to fit into his new life. But the promise he had made to you hung over him, and he couldn't bring himself to follow through with it. He had hoped that if he didn't show up, you would get angry and give him up. But fate had other plans when he ran into you with Takuk, and seeing you laugh with his trainee made him feel uneasy.

"Well, what do you want from me?" he asked defensively. You shook your head in disbelief.

"I don't want anything from you that you can't give me. I made it clear that I don't care if you hurt me, as long as you're honest with me," your eyes glistened with a threat of tears, "But whatever you did, not showing your face for days, then making me wait for you, knowing well that you didn't want to come... I felt stupid. That was cruel.”

"I didn't mean to," he shook his head.

"I think you did," you bit back, your voice laced with venom.

The lump in your throat was on the verge of suffocating you, and you hastily wiped away your tears, turning your head from him. Oh, how much you feared to show him this vulnerable side of you, to earn his pity. Tsu'tey's fingers gently grabbed your chin, turning your face back to him.

"Stop it," he ordered, when you tried to turn away from him.

"Let go of me and go back to your duties. You have a lot on your plate now, don't you, chief?" you snapped.

"I do, yet I am here to speak to you," Tsu'tey replied calmly.

You rolled your eyes at him, and Tsu'tey hated it. It was a direct dismissal of his words.

"I already told you that there's nothing else to talk about. I do not need your pity, Tsu'tey. Either we do this before one of us gets forced into a loveless bond, or we put an end to it now. If you do not wish for the kind of comfort I offer to you, if you find me disgusting for giving myself to you, then just tell me. Break my heart now, and I will never force your hand again. But don’t make me wait around for you and feel foolish. Hell, I can even leave the clan and never return again, if you wish me to, just don't toy with me -"

Tsu'tey couldn't bear the tension any longer as you rambled on, pouring out all the thoughts that had been nagging at you throughout the day. It hurt him to hear those words because the truth always hurts. Oh Eywa, how much he wished to shut you up. Whenever did you even get the courage to talk to him that way? You were always gentle and shy around him. Now suddenly, you were challenging him not only as a man, but also as the Olo'eyktan. Threatening to leave the clan?

There was something that slipped your lips, making his heart jump a little. Eventually, one of you would be forced into a bond you didn't want. Was it selfless to enjoy each other's intimacy before it ended?

He didn't hear the end of your sentence, when he kissed you. At first, you resisted, trying to stay angry at him, but soon gave in, your lips moving in sync with his in a passionate, frustrated kiss. When he finally pulled away, there was a glimpse of surprise in your eyes. You were at a loss of words.

"Let's do that," he breathed out through his lidded eyes.

"Do what?"

"What you said. Enjoy this," he answered slowly, "But we end it the moment you are courted by someone."

You snorted in disbelief, but Tsu'tey's expression remained genuine. Was he finally giving in with no guilt? No resistance?

"And you won't regret it?" you quirked his eyebrow at him.

"As long as I do not get in the way of your happiness with someone else."

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Tsu’tey sat on the ground inside the small training hut, his back pressed against the wall. You weren't sure how exactly the two of you found your way in, but before you knew it, you were seated in his lap, savoring the sweet sensation of his lips on yours. You placed another kiss on his lips before pulling away enough to see his piercing green eyes staring back at you with hunger. The tension between you was growing.

Tsu'tey was barely holding it together, lust dictating his every move, as he cupped your face and pulled you closer. A shiver ran down your spine, and you couldn't help but moan softly at the way he grazed his lips along your jaw. At that moment, Tsu'tey was no longer the Olo'eyktan with duties, and you were no longer the girl with unrequited feelings. You were just two people consumed by a fierce desire for each other.

Tsu'tey's hands found their way to the strings of your skimpy top, eventually untying it and letting it slide off you. His palms gently grazed and explored the softness of your breasts. Now that his healed arm was no longer restricting him, Tsu'tey anticipated the chance to fully utilize it to enjoy your body. He pulled his lips from yours and bent down to catch your left breast in his mouth, lightly biting down on the soft skin, then sucking and licking the spots that ached to ease the pain. You sighed at the mixture of pain and pleasure, as his fingers pinched your right nipple simultaneously.

A heated sensation spread through you, making your arch back for him, hips slowly rolling over Tsu'tey's thigh. Desperate for some friction, you pressed your clothed core against him harder, hands reaching for his shoulders for stability. Tsu'tey groaned in displeasure when you pushed his head away from your abused nipples and crashed your lips against his. The slow grinding became faster and aching, and the tangy feeling in your core started to grow. Tsu'tey thrusted his hips up in response, chuckling at the whimper you couldn't hold in.

Your mind was now too cloudy to cooperate with your body, and you stopped grinding against his thigh, giving yourself a moment to recompose. Which made him want to push you over the edge more. He thrusted up again, watching the way your mouth fell agape at the sensation. There was a pathetic attempt to form words, but you never really succeeded in getting them out. Tsu'tey's hands rested on your hips, pressing you down on his thigh and slowly guiding you back into the rhythm you followed before. You shut your eyes, your loincloth already soaked wet, making you glide smoother against his skin.

"You're so desperate, aren't you?" he cooed with a small smirk.

You felt yourself blushing at his words, and only nodded, dropping your head to hide in the crook of his neck. Your brain went foggy at his intoxicating scent. Tsu'tey only found your reaction amusing, continuing to slowly rock you back and forth.

"I'll take care of you, hm?" he asked.

You hummed back desperately, pleading for more stimulation, as you felt something harden against your thigh. Glancing down, you noticed a noticeable bulge forming beneath Tsu'tey's loincloth.

"Let me make you feel good," you breathed.

Tsu'tey reached out and gently took hold of your neck, pulling you away from him so he could get a better look at your face. The expression he saw made him even more aroused.

"We'll take it slow, syulang," he said softly, "You let me know if you don't like something, alright?"

You gave him a quick nod, opening your mouth to speak but having no will to form a coherent sentence. Tsu'tey's thumb traced the curve of your bottom lip, feeling a rush of heat coursing through him. He picked you up and moved you to the ground, laying you out in front of him. With half-lidded eyes, you watched him, your body eagerly anticipating his touch once again.

Before long, he positioned himself over you, his knee nestled between your parted legs. Tsu'tey's lips quickly met yours in a fiery kiss, as you pulled him into a tight embrace. His right hand returned to his favorite spot, kneading and caressing the soft skin of your breasts. He alternated between kissing your lips and chest, before finally stopping to suck on your nipples. Your breath hitched, your already swollen cunt aching painfully in need of attention.

"Take it off," Tsu’tey whispered, tugging at your cloth, as if reading your mind.

You rushed to untie the piece of fabric and yank it away from under you. Tsu'tey continued to kiss your breasts, as his fingers moved to your heat and glided through your already wet slick. He pressed his thumb to your bud, enjoying the way you jolted under his touch. He looked up at your face, as he began to draw small circles around your sensitive spot.

"Don't tease me," you grunted at his slow movements.

Tsu'tey shook his head in amusement, before lowering himself down. He gripped your left leg and rested it on his shoulder, leveling his face with your cunt. You whined loudly, when you suddenly felt his tongue on you, swirling around your swollen clit. The sensation was new, something you haven't felt, but before you could process it, Tsu'tey slid a digit into your hole. You squirmed under him, as he pumped his finger in and out of you, hitting a sweet spot inside that made your walls cave. Your whiny moans blended into a cry, when he loudly sucked on your bud, simultaneously curling his finger inside you.

Blood rushed through your veins at the overwhelming sensation. It seemed like you were too consumed by the ecstatic feeling to comprehend what was happening anymore, just wishing to savor it for as long as you could.

"Ahh," you panted, when Tsu'tey licked painfully alongside your slit.

Enjoying the sounds you made, he continued to lick more eagerly, his tongue brushing all around and in between your folds, occasionally teasing your bud. His ears twitched, devouring every small sound and whimper that escaped your mouth with satisfaction, his member throbbing painfully.

Your pleasure was nearing, walls starting to clench around his finger, luring him in deeper. Fuck. He wished to feel you clench this way around his cock instead. Tsu'tey continued to thrust his finger into you with a steady pace, his eyes tracing every curve of your disheveled form, taking in the sight of you with admiration. He marveled at how beautiful you looked, with your slightly disheveled hair and sweat glistening on your forehead. You caught his gaze with your half-lidded, exhausted eyes, barely noticing his tail wagging behind him. He pulled his finger out, earning a dissatisfied groan from you at the loss.

If you weren't this hungry for him, you would have already scolded him for torturing you. But all you could do is tug at his shoulders to silently plead with him instead. Tsu'tey hastily brought himself back, resting on top of you, his hardened dick pulsing against you through the loincloth.

He kissed you desperately with such force, you could almost feel your lips bruise. You wrapped him in a tight embrace, scared that his touch might leave you again if you didn't. Tsu’tey couldn’t think anymore, his fingers fidgeting with the ties of his loincloth, before he finally freed his hard dick. He pulled away slightly to give himself enough space and guide his tip through your slit. He teased your entrance just enough to make you gasp, pushing the tip in and out a couple of times, coating it in your juices.

"Ahh," you whined, once he slowly pushed himself slightly deeper into you.

Tsu'tey gave you a second to adjust before starting to slowly glide in and out of you only halfway. He wanted you to take in the thickness of his length slowly, until you could get used to the feeling. He paused in between the thrusts to look for any signs of discomfort, but soon enough you rolled your hips instinctively, taking in his full length.

Tsu'tey barely held back from a release right at that second, your walls so tight around him. He was basically fitting into you to the hilt. He slowly picked up his pace, pounding into you, hitting that sweet spot that made your breath hitch. You clutched on to him, your tail wagging uncontrollably against the ground.

Everything about Tsu'tey seemed intoxicating, like he wasn't real. The way his musky scent surrounded you, and the taste of his lips lingered on your tongue. The way his arms held onto you, his cock fitting and curling perfectly inside you. Tsu'tey fastened his pace, coaxing louder moans out of you. You were grateful that you were too far from the Home Tree to be heard by anyone.

The more his tip hit your spot, the more you rolled forward to chase that feeling building up in your pit. Tsu'tey could feel that you were close to your release by the way you started to tighten around him. He tried hard concentrating on keeping up, dropping his head onto your breasts, to feel the small vibrations radiating through your chest. It wasn't long before you couldn't keep it in anymore. You came undone with a loud cry.

"Tsu'tey," you gripped at his back, the pleasure washing over you in a wave.

You squeezed his cock almost painfully, and Tsu'tey slowed down his pace. But as he continued to hit the same spot with the roll of his hips, your body shuddered from the overstimulation. You felt too exhausted to push him away, instead patting his back to stop, but the groans that were now escaping Tsu'tey's lips were signaling that he was almost done. Your cunt started to throb, feeling another wave of pleasure forming inside you, as his thrusts became rougher, filling out the hut with loud squelching sounds.

"Harder," you whined, and he slammed into you. Your juices coated his member in wetness, dripping down your crack.

Your core started to pulse again, nearing another orgasm, and the moment you came undone, tightening around him, Tsu’tey pulled out with a groan. He panted heavily, his hand immediately wrapping around his dick, and pumping it in his fist. You watched him give himself a final thrust, before white cum dripped over his fingers. Tsu'tey looked heavenly, when his features relaxed, thumb caressing over the tip of his penis. He watched you too through barely open eyes, as if the sight of you was the final nudge to push him over the edge. He positioned himself over you again, leaning down to kiss you. You could feel his dick smearing around its stickiness on your skin, but you didn't care, smiling into his lips with a bliss.

As you laid there, with Tsu'tey's strong chest pressed against your back and his arm draped over your middle, you could feel the reality slowly beginning to set in. It was suddenly overwhelming to be in his presence, being acutely aware that the moment was fleeting, and that any second now he could push you away. But for Tsu'tey, the feeling wasn't mutual. He was too lost in his dreamlike bliss, pretending that he could live it for a little longer. When you shifted to free yourself from his grasp, he pulled you back into him with a low growl.

"We can't get caught like this," you whispered, glancing at him over your shoulder.

"We won't, just stay the night," he murmured, nuzzling his nose into your hair.

You hesitated for a moment, before slowly relaxing into his embrace, savoring the warmth of his body against yours. You remained silent for the rest of the night.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

As the first rays of sunlight slipped through the small window of the hut, you stirred, crunching your nose in irritation. Tsu'tey laid beside you, his features serene in slumber, and you gave yourself some time to admire him like that. Despite the urge to kiss him, you knew you couldn't wake him up.

Carefully, you slipped out of his arms, quietly putting on your clothes. Tsu'tey's eyes fluttered open, sensing your movements, but he remained still, watching you with a pensive expression.

He knew it was better if you left, so he pretended to be asleep, when you cast a final glance at him and slipped out of the hut.

As you made your way back to the Home Tree, you stopped by the river, to wash away his scent. No matter how irresistible it was to you, you couldn't afford to raise any suspicions.

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chapter 3

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grapejuicestyless · 9 months

Text

Kalopsia

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Summery: You convinced yourself you were in love but, was it for the wrong brother?

Kalopsia. A Greek noun that by definition means, The delusion of things being more beautiful than they really are.

A word that I had not known existed moments ago, but became aware of now. And how funny it was that in all the languages there were I managed to find the word to perfectly describe what was happening.

Love causes Kalopsia. More than we as people could ever realize. The way our hearts race and our cheeks blush. We put on our rose colored glasses that hide the red flags for the people we love.

That’s what makes this so funny. Because that’s what seemed to happen for Jeremiah.

I was so infatuated with the golden retriever with the boyish grin, icy blue eyes and tanned skin that I forgot that appearances are exactly what they are meant to be. Only appearances.

To me, he hung the sun and the moon in a rotation, spreading the stars along the sky just for me. I let myself become blinded by his perfections to see his side glances and his sly smirks that lingered on his cheeks.

I chose not to believe it when I’d heard he’d fallen for the shorter brunette with the long eyelashes and pink lips. Continuing the fantasy I had constructed in my head, the continuance of the paradise Jere had sold to me almost a year ago.

But how can you remain so ignorant to something right in front of your eyes? How can you lift your head and smile like he’s still the only boy in the world when your world is in the pool making out with his best friend?

I should’ve seen it. Their longing touches and side glances. Her hands cupped around his ear as flirty whispers were exchanged.

I wanted to rip Belly apart. I wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling, ripping her apart piece by piece emotionally. I wanted to keep them apart. Yet, I knew it wasn’t her fault. She was in love with the same man as I, and we both knew the affects he could cast down on us. I couldn’t help but almost feel a sense of pity towards Belly.

We were childhood friends, just like she was the fishers. My mother had a home down the street but Susannah kept a bed warm for me as I stayed there every night. We were so similar. The only thing separating us was our blood, our physical features and our age. She was a year younger while I stood at the same age as Conrad. Maybe that’s what made her believe she would be different. That Jere would love her more than he ever could to me.

Yet I could see it. We were so similar I could see that in time, she would endure the same fate as Jeremiah would once again get bored and run off behind her back. Too much of a child to have the guts to end things before starting something else. But then again, what we had was dead from the start. We just chose not to believe it.

I made no sound when leaving the scene. Exiting just as I came, quiet as a mouse, heart heavy and shoulders slumped. The world kept spinning without him, and that’s what seemed to be the scariest part.

Catching my two friends together didn’t leave me in the unspeakable despair I had imagined it would. Instead I was left feeling very ambivalent. Torn between my feelings. One one hand, I was hurt by the boy I had adored so much. My heart cracking thinking about all of my firsts I’d given him. My first kiss, my first dance, my first love. It was a hurt that touched the surface level, cutting my skin and making me bleed. Yet, on the other hand I felt more numb. Almost relieved in a way. While Jeremiah would always carry the title of my first love, it felt almost wrong to call him that. We loved each other, sure. But after the newness of it died, it seemed that so did his end of it. Could he really be my first love if everything we did was one sided?

And how stupid I felt for wearing those glasses and letting the Kalopsia happen all because I’d told myself it was love. I’d never known love. I’d never had it. How could I have been so blind and allowed myself to believe that it was meant to be that way? It was like a huge bullet was coming my way, and somehow in his own selfishness and his large ego, he acted as the shield to protect me from that ultimate heart break.

I grabbed my tote bag, slinging it over my shoulder, holding my surf board firmly under my other arm. I hadn’t planned to go to the beach today. I had only put on my swimsuit to go swimming with Jere in the pool. But I knew I wouldn’t feel up to returning to that pool in minutes knowing what had happened, and the beach had always been a sanctuary that wrapped my anxiety in a blanket of peace.

The sand filled the crevasses between my toes and stuck to the backs of my calves as I ran. It kicked up behind and left little divots behind in my wake. I dropped my bag somewhere behind me, next to a towel I recognized faintly and continued my path. My feet didn’t stop moving until my board was underneath me and my stomach was pressed against it. Even then I let my legs kick harshly.

It was then I remembered why I hadn’t gone to the beach today. The waves had been horrible all weekend and the weather was sucky. The birds were quiet and the wind was gentle. There was no chance of letting out my frustrations on the water. But floating was always an option.

“Hey! Y/n/n!” The voice was loud, gruffly and deep. It held a playful tone, lacking any heaviness. Refreshing, almost.

I knew the voice as Conrad’s. The older, more serious brother of the two. His hair was blonder, and straighter. His eyes a darker blue, yet they held more emotion and depth in them than Jeremiah’s ever did. His skin was less tan but still glowed a warm color. Everything about him screamed summer. He was my best friend before Jere and I got together.

It wasn’t like we fell out, we continued to hangout just as much as before. Only, Jeremiah always felt the need to join in on our movie nights and our bonfire carpools even when it was clear that it was our tradition to do so. The one thing we had was our surf trips. We never told anyone when we’d go on them, so the waves became our hangout. Maybe it was fate that we’d both gone out here tonight, but it was probably just a coincidence.

I nodded my head, acknowledging him while shifting on my board carefully. I laid on my back, staring at the stars. The stars I once believed Jere had painted across the sky just for me, but now knew it was just me being a fool.

“I didn’t expect to see you out here tonight. I though you were going swimming with Jere?” His smile was genuine, his teeth showing and slightly parted. He sounded almost out of breath.

“I didn’t expect to be out here tonight either.” I smiled back, only half of what he gave me. My tone was shaky, lower than usual. I felt my board bounce slightly, shifting enough to have my posture stiffened and my body sitting up. I let my legs straddle the board.

Looking over I saw an apologetic Conrad, cheeks reddened, I realized he had just bumped into me. Now, we mirrored each other. Both straddling the boards, facing each other.

“Did he fall asleep on you again? I told him to stop staying up so late with Steven but he never listens.” We laughed, my eyes closing for a moment. I let us fall into a silence, pulling in more air to speak.

“No, I uhm. I caught him kissing Belly in the pool.” There was no laughter this time. My hung head lifted to meet his gaze. His eyes were wide. Mixing with sadness and anger. As well as what I thought to be a sort of relief?

“What the fuck?” His brows were drawn together, hands clenched so hard his nails were digging into his palms. I placed my hand delicately over his, peeling his nails away from his soft skin.

"Conrad, hey. No, it's fine. Honestly, I should've seen it coming. Jere lost interest in whatever we had a long time ago." My confession felt like a weight coming off of my chest, Conrad’s face contorting into more confusion and sadness.

“I don’t give a fuck about him, Y/n.” His eyes met mine. His hand was now clenching over mine, holding it in the more firm grip I’d ever experienced. Like I’d disappear if he didn’t hold on.

“I care about you. You loved him, Y/n/n. He might have treated you like shit in the end, but we all saw the way you looked at him. Like he was the only person in the room. In the world.” I shrugged, looking out into the sea.

“We were both sick, we just wouldn’t admit it. What we had died a long time ago, Con. I was just too afraid to accept it. I think I was more afraid of losing one of my best friends than losing him romantically.” We looked at each other, letting out a deep sigh.

“I think I realized that on the way here. I always thought that the day we ended I would be inconsolable. That the world would end and I would be left in little tiny pieces. But, when it finally came, guess what? The world kept spinning and my heart kept beating. I didn’t feel like I lost a piece of myself. It was almost like, I gained something back.” I caught myself rambling, Conrad’s eyes boring into mine. Teeth tugging at his bottom lip.

“Sorry, fuck. I know he’s your brother.” He shrugged.

“Us being related doesn’t give him the excuse to be an asshole. Jeremiah has always been the flirty one. That’s just how it is. He goes around, finding anyone he can, making them feel special and then dumping them for the next.” My lips were drawn back in a tight line, a swift nod of my head as I avoided his eyes.

“I was surprised, honestly, over how long you lasted. What was it, almost a year now?”

“Yeah.” He tucked my hair behind my ears to see me better.

“For a moment I thought I lost you to him.” The ignorance and oblivion on my face was comedic, at his confession.

“I remember when he told me you’d kissed for the first time, I was so angry. I always thought you deserved better. Then, he stayed with you. He stayed loyal and I couldn’t help but believe he had found his person. And in doing that, he had taken mine away.” The realization had dawned on me in that moment, lips parting and eyes widened, Conrad met my face with a shy smile.

“You don’t mean…” I whispered, almost like if I said it too loud it wouldn’t be true.

“I’ve loved you since we were kids, Y/n. How could I not? You’re funny, competitive, compassionate. You’re everything I love. That’s what makes me love you.” And suddenly everything made sense. The days we spent on the boardwalk, talking for hours. Spending away all of our money we saved over the winter for these moments. I remember him blowing through thirty dollars to win me a stuffed animal after I’d seen the one he won for Belly. I always thought it was because he knew I felt left out, but now it made a little more sense. He had always gone out of his way to make me feel good. To spend time with me, to make me laugh. All of our shoulder brushes and long hugs clicked in my head, I’m sure he saw it.

“Shit, Conrad, why didn’t you tell me?” I let myself drift closer to him, concern and sincerity laced in my voice.

“You seemed so in love with Jeremiah, you said yes to him before I could even ask.”

“Damn it. Conrad, I only said yes to him because I thought you didn’t like me.” I shut my mouth quick, my hand flying over my mouth as a small laugh left Conrad a moment later, seeing my accidental confession. I let a laugh out too, his happiness contagious.

“Back up, back up. You’re in love with Jeremiah.” I shook my head. His mouth opened in disbelief, a smile pulling on his cheeks.

“I loved Jeremiah in a way that was different than a best friend, but it was nothing compared to what I felt for you.” I stuck my finger into his chest, pushing back a little.

“I always thought you were too good for me and, at the time I had harbored a small crush for Jere and when he asked me out, it felt like fate. Like maybe I was meant to be with him because he wanted me all along and you never did but, I guess I had it backwards.” We shared a glance, his eyes falling to my lips, mine following his stare to look at his mouth as well.

My eyes flickered back up to his, a silent understanding passing between us, the air grew heavier.

It was like gravity was pulling us towards each other, our fingers interlacing with each other, our noses close to touching. I felt his breath on mine, his words choppy and lingering with nervousness as he whispered, “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure about something in my life.”

Our noses bumped and a chuckle was exchanged. We moved slowly into it, not rushing what had been building for years now, letting it peak finally as his lips met mine in the most soothing kiss Id ever experienced.

With Jeremiah, it was sloppy, rushed and needy. Always so sexual and demanding. It was hot, but never the most fulfilling. However, him being my one and only, again I had fallen for the trap that kissing was just meant to be like that. Needy and rushed.

With Conrad, it was slow and sinful. His lips massaging mine smoothly as my hands found the back of his neck. I let his fingers curl into my hair, tangling themselves as we pushed each other closer together. It was a blur, almost. I felt my mind growing foggy at how badly I wanted to be closer to him, over how much I enjoyed this. My mouth opening and his tongue providing more closeness than before. It was hot, and wet all around. The water dancing over our legs. How inconvenient for us that the moment happened in the water. A place that restricted our movements. Yet, the same restrictions let us start this change in relationship off slow. Not rushing into anything too quickly.

Soft sighs of contentment and pleasure echoed between us, satisfied with what was happening. It was only the splashing of the current coming back in that pulled us apart, our forehead stuck together and eyes fluttered shut still. We breathed each others air while the minutes passed, and the peace settled in.

By then I had forgotten all about Jeremiah. He didn’t matter to me anymore. I knew he didn’t hang the stars for me, and I realized that I truly wasn’t in love with him. And in his infidelity, I found what I wanted all along.

His brother.

#conrad fisher angst #conrad fisher #conrad x reader #tsitp conrad #team conrad #y/nxconradfisher

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vioartemis · 4 months

Text

When I'm gone

(Ava Silva x fem! reader)

Summary: It’s easy to fall in love with a warrior nun, it’s loving the warrior nun that’s the hard part. They’re never yours, they never last. Warnings: angst, blood, violence, things don't happen exactly like in the series a/n: couldn't find any Ava fics, guess I have to do it myself 🥲 (English isn't my first language, I'm sorry if there are mistakes or if something doesn't make sense TvT)

When you first met her, you couldn't help but feel some kind of animosity towards Ava. It wasn't her fault, not directly, but knowing she had the Halo hurt you.

She had never been prepared for it, never trained, never aspired to become the warrior nun, never even knew it existed, yet the Halo chose her. You couldn't seem to find why.

What did she have that made her so special the Halo didn't reject her? What did she have that you didn't? You who trained hard all these years to have your chance with the halo, only to be rejected by it after a few months.

The scar still burnt somedays, reminding you of your failure.

But was it really that much of a bad thing? You were reconsidering it now.

If the halo hadn't rejected you, it would've never gone to Shannon, and therefore never reached Ava. Which would mean never meet her, and never falling for her. Because that's what was happening.

You were falling in love with Ava Silva. And the fat that you had to share an apartment -even if Beatrice was here too- did not help in any way. Nor did the all working-together-at-the-bar-all-day thing. There was never a moment when she wasn't near you.

You weren't complaining, of course, but sometimes you wished for a break. A little one. Tiny little one. Just to have some time to think and try to sort it out.

You were lost, to say the least. Not that you ever had the homophobia speech, you weren't aware of your sexuality until you realized you were falling for Ava. You still weren't exactly sure of it. All you knew was that you loved her, and the chances she liked you too were almost nonexistent.

If only Mary was here... She had disappeared since the fight with Adriel, and you were all worried.

Recently some blond guy started coming to the bar, and you had the feeling he liked her. You were in denial for Ava's side, not wanting to even think about it.

"I think we should talk about what Miguel told me"

You rolled your eyes internally, not so happy to talk about him during your free time with Ava.

"I thought you wanted to go to the party tonight?"

"I do! We can talk when we're there" the brunette replied, turning around to face you as you were both walking towards the bar you worked at during the day

"Can we talk about this later? And just enjoy the night? Please"

You gave her puppy eyes, and of course she gave in. She couldn't say no to you.

So you partied, danced, talked... It was the most fun you've had in a long time.

"Are you going to let me drink alone?" Ava teased you after some shots

"You need someone to bring you home safe"

"Hey, I'm the warrior nun, I can defend myself!"

You chuckled, shook your head, and took the shot from her hand before drinking it. Ava cheered with a big grin and asked for more shots.

"This is going to be so fun!"

You spent most of the night drinking and dancing together, and you had to admit, it was really fun.

The more you were drinking, the more you found her attractive. But maybe it was just the way she looked at you that made you want to kiss her so badly. She had something in her eyes, something that you didn't notice before.

She looked at you for longer than she usually did, and you could swear you saw her eyes shine the more she looked at you.

It was becoming really hard not to give in and kiss her. Especially since she had her hands on your waist while you were dancing. She was just so close to you, you could smell her perfume, feel her breath on your face.

Unconsciously you must have leaned in, because after a few minutes you were only inches appart. And she didn't seem to mind. Quite the contrary.

She was looking directly into your eyes, lips slightly parted, as if she was also holding back. She was waiting for any sign of approval, anything that could tell her you wanted it to happen.

You leaned in a bit more, just enough for her to back away if she wanted to, but instead of doing so, she pressed her soft lips against yours in a gentle kiss.

When you opened your eyes, you were in your bed, in Ava's arms. She was playing with your hair with a soft smile.

"Good morning"

You tried to sit up, but she held you down.

"Stay here just a bit more, okay? I want to keep this moment going"

It was your turn to smile this time, but quickly you frowned.

"When did we get back from the bar? I don't remember well..."

Ava chuckled and told you how you were pretty drunk, and she almost had to carry you home. Apparently, you insisted a lot for her to sleep with you, which she found really cute.

"You also asked me if I thought we'd find each other in our next life"

You were embarrassed by that last bit, but happy to be with her more than anything else. You stayed in each other's arms a bit more before she finally spoke again.

"Why didn't you tell me for the Halo?"

You were surprised by the sudden question, and not sure to understand what she meant.

"I saw the scar..." she continued

Oh... That's what she meant.

You sat up, playing with your fingers nervously, ashamed.

"I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you but... I was scared. I didn't want you to think of me as failure"

She cupped your face softly, forcing you to look at her.

"You're not a failure. Don't ever say that again"

Then, she kissed you tenderly and hugged you tightly.

"I wanted to do that for so long" she admitted with a little laugh

"You should've tried sooner then"

You both laughed at yourselves.

<><><><> ♡ <><><><>

Things went terribly wrong. The plan to put the thorn crown on Adriel's head failed, and now all hope seemed lost. Mother Superion almost died, Camila and Yasmine too... You were not sure there was a chance to win anymore.

But Ava came up with a plan with Jillian's help. What could you possibly lose trying?

"The Arc should be here! Why isn't it here?"

Yasmine clearly started to panic at the empty spot before you.

"Jillian lied to us." Beatrice sternly said

"But why?"

"Because I asked her to"

You didn't need her to say more to know. It was enough for you to understand everything she had planned.

"No... please..."

When Ava looked at you, the expression on her face broke your heart.

"I'm sorry Y/n, but it's the only way..."

"There has to be something else! It's not- it can't-" you stumbled on your words; eyes filled with tears

"I'm afraid there's not..." your girlfriend said as she got closer to you and cupped your face

"It's so unfair..."

"... I know. I'm sorry"

She looked directly into your eyes, as if she was trying to print your image in her mind. Her own eyes were filled with so many emotions, it was obvious it was hard for her to do that.

She smiled sadly and pulled you in for a last kiss, a goodbye kiss.

Tears were rolling down your cheeks at this point, and as soon as she pulled away from the kiss you wrapped your arms around her in a tight hug.

"Please don't go... We can find something else... Please..."

"... I promise to find you in my next life"

She only let you a second before phasing through the floor and disappearing, causing you to fall on your knees, broken.

Letting the love of your life sacrifice herself was not an option. With Yasmine and Bea's help you managed to find where the Arc was, and so where Ava was.

You felt terribly guilty not to have understood what she was about to do. You should have seen it, seen a sign, something, anything. But you didn't, and now because of you she was about to die.

She had been called selfish in the past, putting her safety first, and got in trouble for that, but you would give everything you had for her to do that again -save her life and flee.

When you arrived in the room Ava was in, the first thing you noticed was her fighting against both Adriel and Lilith. Adriel had managed to push her back to the entrance of the room, towards where Miguel's body was lying on the floor.

She gave a look at the blonde's body, before looking back at her opponent.

That's where everything clicked. It was now. She was about to sacrifice herself right now. You could easily guess what she was about to do thanks to a conversation you overheard between her and Miguel.

He had a bomb, and she was about to activate it to kill Adriel, even if it meant dying with him. And you couldn't let her do that.

Just as she was about to use the Halo, you ran towards her.

When the bomb exploded, you were between her and Miguel's body. Exactly where you wanted to be. Your body acted like a shield, protecting her from the shards of the bomb.

Adriel was also badly hurt.

"Take that motherf-fucker" you managed to say before falling face first

Luckily, Ava caught you before you touched the ground, but honestly it wouldn't have changed anything. You were... barely alive. Ava could feel it.

She held you in her arms, trying to see if she could do anything to save you.

"Why did you do that? I should've-"

"Because..." you cut her off "Because you deserve to live. Your life... had been stolen, taken away from you all these years... You deserve to have your life back" you struggled to speak properly because of the pain, but did your best to keep a smile, even if it was weak.

"But you deserve to live too!"

"I lived... a good life. I did what I was supposed to. Now it's your turn to enjoy life"

"How am I supposed to enjoy anything if you're not with me?"

You could clearly hear her voice breaking and see tears in her eyes. You didn't want her to be sad, but it was the only way to save her.

"I'm sorry" you said quietly "Do me a favor... When I'm gone, I want you to wipe those tears away and smile. You're so pretty when you smile... I wish I could see you smile again..."

You let out a sad chuckle.

"No... no you can't-"

"I'm so happy I met you..." you didn't let her finish her sentence "You're the best thing that happened to me, I hope you know that... I've never been so happy to be alive since I met you... You're my ray of sunshine, my light when everything is dark..."

You were well aware that this was very cheesy and cliché, but you had to let her know how you felt. You never really talked about it before, thinking you had time to do so later.

You put a hand on her cheek, softly wiping a tear away, leaving a bit of blood on her skin. You pulled her closer and looked into her eyes one last time. Your lips were only inches apart.

"I love you" you whispered before kissing her

She held you close while she kissed you back, until your hand fell from her face and your whole body went limp. The scream of distress she let out could break anyone's heart easily.

She kept you close for a while, holding you against her, crying in the crook of your neck.

The shine of the Halo made her look like an angel. The most beautiful angel the earth had ever known.

#ava silva #ava silva x reader #ava silva x fem reader #warrior nun

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lolaandthens0me · 6 months

Note

Hey Lola! I love your posts and content! I gotta ask this: What has your Poly Journey looked like for you, and is there anything that I should be mindful of within my own journey?

Salutations Anon! And thank you for the kind words.

Wow, what a fantastic question! It has been quite the journey filled with much love, some heartache, an abundance of patience and growth, and real hard work in self-awareness and compassion...along with more than a smattering of fun, fuckery, and so.much.travel.

My journey began with a quiet aching within my heart and unsettledness within my gut. I think I've always known that I was polyamorous and bisexual, but I've not always had the vocabulary to express that. I am a being with an extraordinary capacity to love, and although I had so much love within my marriage (and still share with my ex), my heart was calling for more. There came a time where I felt that if I didn't make a change, the real person I was inside was going to be gone forever. The part that makes me Lola. I believe that I was put on this Earth to love, to share my body, and to share my heart and empathy in order to help others learn how to heal and love themselves.

The first step was to learn how to communicate honestly, even if it meant hurting someone I loved. I read books and blogs about how to be an active communicator instead of a passive one. And then I practiced. I surrounded myself with wonderful friends who listened, pushed me to speak my truth, and helped me figure out just what is was that I felt I was missing, I was being called to pursue, and they supported me, every step of the way, in who I was becoming.

Then I had to learn how to ask for what I want. This is a lesson that I continue to relay to all of my friends and partners. I have learned how to compassionately, but confidently and with kindness, ask specifically for what I want. One way that I continue to do this is by being very upfront about who I am and what kind of life/relationships I want with any potential play partner/kinky friend/partner...the people that I want to be my whole, true, unedited self with.

I also had to do the hard thing. After months and months of therapy, couple's therapy, open, honest conversations, time spent alone and together, trials of compromise and an open relationship to a degree - I had to say that I wanted to separate. I was married for almost 15 years at this point. That was one of the hardest days of my life. But I felt caged, frail, like the color was being completely drained from me. They say that it takes a good 2 years after a separation/dissolution/divorce to get your life back to something normal again. I have not quite made it to that mark yet...but I believe that's true. My ex and I chose to rewrite a new chapter for our relationship, to write our own book, to remain friends and in each other's lives...and wow, has that been hard. But I am so fucking grateful and happy that we've done that work. And we are in a wholly different, beautiful place.

Now for the fun, but also tricky part...I began forming new relationships. I think I've always known that I would be someone who would want and thrive with a Primary partner. I was lucky, my Primary partner, RY, was a friend first, and grew very organically and beautifully into more than that. We both made a promise to each other very early on that we would keep checking in and evaluating the health of ourselves, our processes of getting over a breakup, and the state and wellbeing of our relationship as it blossomed and grew into what it is today. As long as we were both still growing individually and encouraging each other into happy and healthy people, then we would continue growing our relationship. We communicate openly and honestly about everything, we have been patient in allowing one another the space to mourn the loss of our marriages with empathy, and we have taken our time to rebuild ourselves, bringing our best selves to each other. It worked out that he also was looking to explore polyamory. We're both still new at this, but we talk about and work through every growing pain along the way.

Then along came my other partner. She and I had a connection right away. Our close friendship naturally grew into something more. She and my primary partner were also friends, and honestly, I think that really helps. It is just amazing to see the two of them talk and laugh and genuinely enjoy being around each other, and they both reach out to one another in their love for me. I was always clear about who RY was to me and what our relationship was, and so that helped lay the foundation for my second relationship. I check in a lot with her to make sure that she feels loved, seen, and heard, and that we have enough time in person together. It's fantastic that we can be things and do things with one another that just simply don't fit into our other relationships.

I have learned what my boundaries are (and the fact that I actually need boundaries) within myself to ensure that I remain intact and wholly my own, as well as a giving, loving, deeply connected partner. It was important for me to live by myself right now, not something I've ever done before. I made this choice for the past year because I know my codependent tendencies and I wanted to break out of that mold. I still struggle sometimes with not giving all of my energy to those I love. I must save some for myself and I have found ways to replenish that energy. Time and energy; I'm still learning how to balance these within a polyamorous life.

I continue to work on approaching every conversation with empathy and an open mind and heart. I continue to keep searching within myself and bring that self-awareness to my relationships. I continue to push myself to see a different way and live a different way. I continue to surround myself with open-minded people that see me, know me, support me, and love me in this new life I'm creating. I continue to take time to be by myself and breathe. I continue to search out new opportunities that challenge me and fulfill me. I continue to be a student of life. And I continue to lean into love.

I love you @resonantyes and @hbananer - thank you for this life.

#polyamory #poly life

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letterstoear · 1 month

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A letter to dye us blue

Notes: Kento Nanami x fem reader, fem reader, fluff, a what if he made it out alive, reader and Nanami are visiting Malayasia, letter,

*Disclaimer, I've never actually seen JJK for my heart wouldn't be able to take it, but I wanted to write something other than Twisted Wonderland so I chose him*

Please check out my JJK cat keychains too: Check out here!

Good morning beautiful,

It’s been a while since I’ve last written a letter to you. I thought it would be nice to read a letter like this as soon as you woke up. Right now, I should be preparing breakfast for the two of us. I was rough on you last night so it’s only reasonable I treat you well today and each day onward. Didn’t know I could get so lost in you till everything turned blurry.

When you dragged me to meet you early in the morning, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I was aware you were planning a trip; you had been for weeks. ________, you’ve never been the best at hiding secrets, yet I’m sure you did this one on purpose. The little clues every now and then were to leave me in excitement, wasn’t it? ________, you’ve done well.

Then again, even if you hadn’t told me anything or hid everything from me, I trust you enough to know you don’t have ill intentions. We have been lovers for quite some time.

Strange to know how fast time can go by when time used to feel like a dragging wave. For a second, I forgot how it felt to live each day over and over without feeling alive. No purpose to live, no rest, only work till I tired myself out. Then, before I knew it I would wake up to repeat my day. Those days are all in the past now. I’m glad I woke up in time to see a beautiful ocean of peace.

So, today, what should we do? We have the whole week to travel all around Malaysia till we’re covered in sweat. I want to make the most out of our time here considering it’s not every day you drag me out for vacation. But __________, I do have one request for you. I want to dance with you in the evening along the beach. Nothing fancy, I only want to hold you close to me as the tides brush against us.

Ever since we first danced together in your apartment, it’s become something I yearn to do whenever we have the time. There’s just something enchanting about holding you in my arms as I whisper words of love into your ears. If I ever forget how you feel, could you please remind me?

Hard to believe I haven’t said it yet, _________ I love you. Let’s be happy together, ________. Meeting you gave me the strength to support myself in a way I’ve never done. You didn’t save me, no, but you supported me and continue to do so every day. Your support, trust, and love all of it is to be cherished. I’ll continue loving you as you do the same for me. _________ I love you.

With love,

Kento Nanami

#jjk #nanami kento #jjk nanami #fluff #letter #how did I do #not very well #I low key cried after I read about his story #gege when i catch you gege #jujitsu kaisen #jujutsu nanami #nanami x reader #kento nanami

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switch-writer · 3 months

Text

Blueberry haired and Raspberry haired

A/N: AHHH THIS IS SO LATE, BUT HEY @stopiteatpopcorn , I WAS YOUR SQUEALING SANTA. I hope you like it and that it was worth the wait! I didn’t wanna force myself to write this because as someone who’s your friend, and as I do with all squealing Santa events, I PUT MY ALL INTO IT. And we know when we force ourselves to write, it’s just, BLAH. But hopefully you like it! I also kept texting you to subtly get ideas or know if I could write something so HAHA👹 I wanna thank a new friend of mine (who ironically isn’t in the tickle community) for giving me the idea of how to even START THIS FIC. So thank them👺🫵 I ALSO WANNA THANK OUR HOST FOR SQUEALING SANTA THIS YEAR. Always amazing to work with the host, and our host this year was lovely and understanding, so thank you! And without further rambling, this was fun to write and I hope you enjoy!

Summary: Shanks and Buggy cross paths, and the flashy clown has to figure out how to avoid a fight with Shanks without spilling everything. Meanwhile, Shanks isn’t too concerned and helps his friend lighten up… with some teasing of course.

Extra note: I didn’t proof read so there maybe spelling errors 🤡

Warnings: Tickles, foot tickles, I don’t remember if there’s swearing, I don’t think there’s anything else.

See. This was unexpected. In fact, if you told Buggy this was a day he’d meet Shanks once again. Not even close to the top of his guesses. Yet, here he was, making eye contact with Shanks…

And he was horrified. His crew was cheering and ready to loyally watch their captain take on a rival, one of the strongest pirates of the sea, the famous red haired Shanks! This was beyond exciting, they could barely contain their joy as they stood behind their Captain.

As for This Captain… The blue haired Captain was trembling in pure shock, not only did he know of Shank’s power… but Shanks had the power to piss him off like no other. It was like it’s own devil fruit.

So here Buggy was, trembling in some sort of mixed emotion as the red haired pirate smiled in a laid back manner, as if aware of his feelings and chose to observe.

“Dammit! Make the first move!”

“Haha! Clowns first, you know that rule!” Shanks called with his confident yet relaxed tone, not worried in the slightest as he teased. However, this comment happened to make an emotion in Buggy take dominance…

Anger.

“NOSE?! I NOSE THAT RULE—?! Why You Little—!”

And the chop chop fruit went to work as Buggy split in two pieces, namely his torso ‘chopped’ off from his waist, and he and his torso went straight up to Shanks, flying up to him.

“YOU BETTER NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD OF MY NOSE—!” Buggy squawked, Shanks letting a soft laugh out as he flashed a smile. “Ah, you never change, Buggy.” The pirate with a higher bounty spoke with those hazed eyes, causing more complaints from the blue haired pirate.

“WHAT?! I’ve changed lots, mind you! You just don’t know it yet, you haven’t seen anything yet!” His hands detached as he gripped Shanks by his shirt, poking his chest as well as the fellow pirate smirked softly, amused by how easily provoked Buggy happened to be.

Meanwhile, Buggy’s crew was in awe. “Captain is handling Red Haired like he’s not afraid of a thing he could do… our Captain is unbeatable!” They cheered out, snapping the squawking and squabbling pirate out of his focus to glance back at the crew he led.

“…Hmph.” Buggy huffed, calming down… as much as Buggy could.

“You have quite a crew, a supportive one at that.” Shanks spoke with a calming tone, sounding… happy for Buggy. The clown seemed shocked, becoming choked up as his crew members continued to cheer…

“Hah! Of course! We’re the best crew around!” The Chop Chop Man exclaimed cockily. “Haha! Of course you are.” Shanks commented. “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean! That sounded sarcastic!” Buggy scolded before crossing his arms despite his hands still gripping Shanks’ shirt.

But within a couple moments, Buggy and Shanks went into private, just a simple little room as their crews stood back and let them ‘sort things out’ and whatnot. In actuality, they were just going to chat so Buggy could avoid the fight and not get bested in combat so miserably.

So here they were… And this was… horribly awkward. Especially now that Buggy stopped whining.

“…Well aren’t you going to say something?!”

Nevermind.

“We have time, don’t we? Tell me, what’s the recent?” Shanks spoke calmly, his charming smile always remaining on his face. Although, this question managed to make the clown defensive.

“Lots of things! Of course we’re planning on storming the grand line, finding all the treasure in the world, and taking out every pirate we cross!” Buggy protests, refusing to show any small bumps in this little plan of his. “Oh?” The redhead spoke before adding onto his sentence.

“So what about me then?” “Eh?” The blueberry— I mean blue haired man seemed flustered. “You said you’d destroy any pirates in your way… right?” “W-Well, yes—!” Buggy spoke with little confidence, trying to avoid what Shanks was implying.

“So, why not go up against me?”

Oh come on! He made this impossible to avoid! What excuse would even make sense other than ‘I’m a wussy!’

“Because… I have my reasons and I don’t need to explain them!”

That caused a moment of silence, his fumbled sentence made his reasons a mystery, and that seemed to surprise Shanks since usually Buggy couldn’t keep a thing from him.

“…Oh? Well… in that case, Buggy.” Shanks began before grinning.

“Let’s play a game.”

The Genius Jester seemed to be caught off guard once more, but listened intently.

“I’ll try and get you to confess your reasonings, and you resist.” And that seemed easy enough, thank goodness! Hah! This will obviously be easy! So, Buggy pridefully crossed his arms and stuck up his nose— erm, stuck up his chin, as if radiating his ego with his body language.

“Hah! Do your worst!” The Clown spoke as the lacking strawhat Captain seemed glad he had fallen into his little game. His little trap.

Shanks slowly stood from his seat, and slowly approached Buggy… and walked behind Buggy.

Was this an intimidation tactic? Buggy couldn’t tell! But it was horrifying! Horrific even! “Hey—! Watch it—!” Buggy attempted to speak before suddenly letting a shriek out, feeling a little bit of a tickle… or rather multiple tickles around his neck as he quickly tried to flip around.

And as expected, he was met with that smile… but with a mischievous hint to it.

“Still got weaknesses from our days as rookies?”

No.

“Don’t—!” Buggy fumbled. “Why not? It clearly still works.”

Don’t.

“T-That doesn’t mean it’s fair!” The clown exclaimed before a small chuckle left Shanks. “Well, consider it payback since you never played fair.”

And despite that, Buggy couldn’t think of another word before his own laughter bubbled out of his throat from tickling around his belly, causing loud but the famously silly laughs from Buggy. They were more authentic and less dramatized!

Only authentic for the ‘fan’ who’s been there since the start.

“Do you give in?” “N-NEHEVER! Nohot a chance—!”

And suddenly, Shanks raised him up from the chair and pushed him with his arm onto the bed, causing Buggy to fall right over. And within a moment, Shanks was sitting on his waist, spidering and scribbling his fingers on the clown’s belly, causing everything but him staying quiet, nor still as he snorted, his limbs flailing yet never reaching where he needed them to.

“S-SHAHAAAANKS!”

“Oho. That was like a battle cry. What’s up?” “PFF— QUHUIT IT! I-I demahand you s-stohop it!” “Oh? Hmm… no can do. I haven’t heard anything but laughing from you, and I definitely didn’t hear any reasons.”

Oh come on! Buggy would’ve sulked if he wasn’t smiling bigger and brighter than a star, but out of the blue… he felt something. He finally didn’t feel tickling all over his belly, but he also felt Shanks.. oh no. Nonono. Not this. Not again. What’s with happy people who wear strawhats or have worn strawhats and this—?!

“Wait—! Waitwaitwait—! Shanks—! Don’t you dare—!” Buggy protests, trying to grab at Shanks before Shanks flipped himself around, now facing his lower half and slipped his shoe off.

“Alright! I’ll count down. 3…”

“SHANKS—!”

“2…”

“Don’t—! Don’tyoueven—!”

“1!”

And due to Shanks knowing how to work around lacking an arm, he sat on his leg, good for Shanks! But awful for Buggy who couldn’t move his foot.

And the moment he felt the gentle touch of Shank’s fingers skittering around, he admittedly was laughing like a hyena, not that it’s inherently out of character for him, but not something you’d hear everyday. Admittedly, as loud as Buggy was, after he’d squeal, he’d start laughing more… softly? It still had the raspiness in his voice, but it was much softer after he got used to the feeling.

“Kitchee koo?”

“sHUT UP—!”

It brought that smile Shanks had to a grin, he enjoyed seeing his old friend laugh…

But on the other hand, Buggy didn’t ever have this much endurance when he was younger… did he get less ticklish when he grew up? Possibly… but not quite… more endurance maybe?

Nonetheless, Shanks was stumped. It seems more like his friend was enjoying it, which was good, but he wasn’t willing to fess up. As rewarding as the happy laughter was, Shanks still had to tease him. That’s what left Buggy on his feet.

Oh ironic. Shanks chuckled before stopping, letting his friend take breaths and relax as the redhead hummed, thinking this over… What else could he do? He needed another little push…

“Oh! Buggy!”

“Oh what now?! Was that not enough?!” Buggy whined frustratedly, although it was clear he didn’t truly care that much. He was always dramatic about situations, especially to keep up his pride, and that added to his charm… erm well. ‘Charm.’

“Haha! I just had an idea is all. It may get you talking?” And the clown pouted. “Oh you’re joking!” He huffed out, moody despite the playful situation. It wasn’t that it was that bad, but his pride surely didn’t like it.

Although… The childish action sparked memories! Happy memories… and it was heartwarming for Buggy to think back on them…

BUT! If that stupid pirate who lost his strawhat thinks he can make him all soft and happy, he has another thing coming!

“Pff. I promise I’ll stop if this doesn’t work, alright?” Oh. Well… fine. Buggy nodded approvingly with his chin up high in pride, whether or not he wanted the memories to stop, this red haired whatever his face is isn’t gonna win!

With that, the man with the scars around his eye smiled casually… and lifted his shirt up. “…What.” Buggy mumbled in confusion. What could he possibly—

And suddenly Buggy’s thoughts were interrupted by… a loud high pitched squeal. One a coward would have. And it was followed by hearty laughter.

Granted, Buggy was a squealer, but Shanks’ laughter afterwards was his signature, beyond recognizable.

“Oh that’s great! Gold even! Let me do that again!” And Shanks leaned down to his belly, and blew a raspberry straight onto his tummy, causing not only the funny noise to ring out, but another squealy shrieky laugh from Buggy as he threw his head back in laughter, his hair flopping around as he wiggled.

“DAHAHAMMIT—! H-Hahave mercy—! Nonono noT AGAHAHAIN—!”

Buggy kept getting attacked by raspberries, not only causing a ticklish sensation, but the sounds and noises making him laugh, especially when Shanks would laugh half way through the raspberry.

And if this wasn’t a spinning image of when they were children, then nothing was. It was ironic to see this play out.

“Okay!! OKAY—! I’ll tell you—! Just quHUHUIT—!” And one final big raspberry on the belly, and Shanks lifted himself up, laughing softly and yet with his whole heart.

And admittedly, they were just sitting there laughing and giggling for about 30 seconds before Buggy forced himself back to reality and stood to his feet. “N-Now this isn’t over! Just because I gave in doesn’t mean— wait where’s my…” Buggy quickly checked for his shoe before Shanks tossed it over.

And then Buggy went right back to speaking, pulling his boot on. “— It doesn’t mean that I am weaker than you! I just… pitied your attempts and thought it was such a waste of time.”

“Right.” Shanks smirked, a cheeky smirk of course as he leaned back. “Is this a good time to confess I actually just wanted to play around and didn’t care?”

Silence…

“OH YOU LITTLE—!” Buggy stormed over, causing Shanks to laugh once more as usual…

“LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT THEN—!”

And with that, it was safe to say their crews didn’t see them for a little while… but it was worth it for them to relive some memories and have some fun… and of course, take one another down a notch…

Or namely, a clown was taken down a notch or two, as for the redhaired pirate… we can only guess, hm?

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arminsumi · 9 months

Note

let’s ignore how i’m flooding your inbox with requests 😭😭

buttttt, childhood bestie armin who’s watching you get ready to marry someone else, even though he’s always had a crush on you and you’ve secretly always had a crush on him even now, when you’re suppose to marry someone else. and you & armin finally confess your feelings for each other either before the wedding or when they say “does anyone object” or whatever is said 😭

˗ˏˋ꒰ 🍒 ꒱ Be mine instead

Armin x fem!reader ♪

Overview; Armin makes a very late confession and last-minute objection at your wedding

Content; fluff, a little angst

Warnings; a little infidelity, kissing, cheesy and kinda romcom-y 🙈

Note; this request... THIS REQUEST!! 💕you needn't apologize, i'm screaming over this idea i hope u like what i made out of it

He knows you're nervous; it's written all over your face, it's clear in the way you obsessively straighten out your white bridal gown over and over again.

No one else has analyzed your pretty face as much as he has; he knows the meaning behind your every subtle expression. the subtle pinching of your brows when you look in the mirror at your reflection, the curling of your lips, the creasing of your eyes.

what a beautiful bride...

He hid his regret and sadness so poorly. Even someone as oblivious as you could see the prominent sad corners of his eyes becoming more weighted as he admired your gown.

"You're beautiful..." he said, something caught in his throat.

"I'm so nervous, I can't think." you responded anxiously, straightening out your gown again. "I feel strange... I don't know. Isn't it strange? It feels like just yesterday Eren was introducing you to me, and now you're here watching me get married. Where did all that time go?"

Armin chuckled softly and shrugged. "Time flies when you're having fun." he said, fully aware how cliché his line was. "And I'm glad we had a lot of fun while we could."

"Oh Armin, don't put it like that! You make it sound like once I get married, we won't be able to have fun together anymore."

"Sorry... I know we'll still have fun, but..." he trailed off, looking away from you. "But we won't have the same closeness as we do now. I mean, the fact of the matter is, you're going to be married. we can't be the... slightly crazy best friends who go ghost hunting in abandoned buildings... or who run down the beach pretending to be newly weds... remember that? When we were eighteen and made that spontaneous road trip?"

Armin began rambling, rubbing the back of his neck, choking up. There was clearly a lot of emotional turmoil in his chest, you could hear it in his voice and in the words he chose and the topics he brought up.

If you leave armin to ramble, he very quickly begins reminiscing on the past.

"I remember having a big, big crush on you in high school." he admitted.

"Oh really?" you looked at him curiously, the mood tinged with sadness.

"Yeah, I had a crush on you for so long, too. Remember when I asked you over to help me with learning how to speak English?" he asked, looking at you, and you hummed with a nod in reply. "Well" he continued, "Really, at that point, I wasn't struggling anymore to articulate myself, I just wanted an excuse to invite you over to my dorm more often."

"I had a suspicion!" you laughed in response to what he had just told you, "You know, because sometimes you'd say something very clearly like a native speaker when we were around friends, but then when I came over to help teach you, it felt like your English level mysteriously lowered."

"Yeah..." Armin chuckled, fixing his eyes at his shoes. They were polished to perfection.

Standing there in his neat suit, his mind raced. His heart pounded. there were unsaid things between you and him. That was clear to both of you for a long time.

"I think I fell a little bit in love."

You looked at him. Why, you asked yourself in the far back of your mind, oh why did he only get around to admitting to this now?

"I did as well." you said.

He looked at you and gave you a sad, faltering smile.

It was silent. Neither of you talked. But your emotions weren't silent at all; you could feel the amorous truths floating in the air between you and armin.

"I still love you." he said stupidly. Dumbly. Ridiculously. What a true idiot, confessing at the last minute.

Now he really went ahead and said something stupid. I love you. at your wedding.

You looked at him until tears slowly pricked at the corners of your eyes. "Armin, what are you saying?"

He heaved a watery sigh. "I'm selfish," he began, speaking in that languid yet melancholic yet sensual voice that only Armin could speak in, "I should only want you to be happy, but really all I truly want is to steal you away before you exchange your vows."

"Armin!" you pinched your brows together, nearly crying. "You can't be saying this... not right now."

"I'm sorry." he mumbled, "I'm sorry... I'm just in a strange mood... this is all feels surreal."

He almost wanted to admit that he wished you weren't getting married. Hell, he almost wanted to get on his knees to beg for your hand in marriage instead.

But he didn't do such things. No, he did something far more bizarre, and pressed a deliciously fervent kiss on your lips.

His one hand pulled you in close by the back of the head, while his other hand came to hold the waist of your bridal gown, delicate fingers feeling over delicate lace and silk.

After a moment of shock from feeling your best friend's lips, you melted right into his kiss. His embrace. His whole feeling. What an engulfing feeling he always had, it's no wonder you fell for him in the first place, and no wonder why you can't fully let him go even on your wedding day.

"Armin..." you mumbled after breaking from the kiss. You were surprised by his actions, by your reciprocation – you barely hesitated to kiss him back and that made armin's heart sing.

He looked at you like he was about to ask something. His hands held yours as you kept your palms flat against his chest.

But the two of you broke away the instant you heard someone's footsteps come to the door of the dressing room. There was a knock. It was time to get things going.

Outside, people were beginning to look around and wonder where the bride was. They'd been sat for some time now, watching your fiancé searchingly crane his neck around.

Though you and armin pretended nothing happened, your ragged breaths and tingling lips told a different story.

Armin took a seat and traced his fingertips over his lips.

Your wedding day was going so fast that it spooked him. He felt like he had to do something before it was too late. It felt like you were slipping through his fingers and he didn't want that. He wanted you right there in his hands.

But you were already stood under the wedding arch in the warm afternoon light with your hands being held by your fiancé.

Armin anxiously fidgeted with the hem of his shirt.

He heard them say the line he was waiting for, "if anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Now, if saying i love you wasn't wild enough of a thing to do at your best friend's wedding, then standing up and yelling "I object!" certainly was.

All eyes were on him; your blond best friend that everyone in the room knew very well. To see him shoot up out of his seat like that and practically scream his objection to your marriage was absurd. Comical. Something out of a romcom.

"I object... because..." he gulped and stopped talking for a moment.

You looked at him tearfully behind your veil. "Armin...?"

Hearing you call his name... oh to hell with it, he thought.

"I object because i'm selfish!" he nearly yelled.

The guests didn't know what to make of this situation. They felt awkward, except for your true friends. They were nearly splitting from holding in their laughter.

"Armin, what are you doing?" you asked, staring at him with wide-blown eyes of surprise.

He just continued madly, "I love her, and I can love her better than you." he directed boldly at your fiancé. "and she's loved me, and still loves me."

Oh the reactions of the people sat in the rows. How beautifully comical some of their expressions were, their faces seemed to ask what did he just say??

"Y/n," Armin continued, after taking a shaky breath, "Please, I'll beg you if I have to, be mine instead."

You looked at him incredulously. What the hell were you supposed to do? In this bizarre, romcom-like situation, it was a genuine question on your mind. Truly, what were you supposed to do or say in response to your best friend asking that at your wedding?

Well the only answer was to respond in the most bizarre, romcom-like way possible.

You very dramatically threw down the flowers you were holding, they thudded to the ground with a rustle, and you grabbed a fistful of your gown before dashing down the steps and running away from the wedding arch, leaving your fiancé to stand there, befuddled and shocked.

You decided to live your truth.

And your truth was that even after meeting another lover, none proved to be a greater lover than the boy you knew like the back of your hand.

The blond. The one with the bright eyes that intimidated you when you first met him. The one who used to say awkward jokes through his braces at fifteen. The sweetheart who was there at your lonely birthday parties throughout the years. An angel who held your hand through every sharp turn in your life up until this pivotal moment, this insane decision, this wild U-turn that you made.

"Let's go." you said and gave Armin your hand.

His eyes said it all. They were glittering in disbelief.

You threw a apologetic smile back at your fiancé. "Sorry." you mumbled half-heartedly. "I hope you'll find someone who's right for you. But that person isn't me!"

#🐬Ocean Prince #fluff #armin #armin arlert #armin aot #snk #aot #armin arlert x reader #armin x reader #armin oneshot #armin x you #armin x y/n #wholesome #cute #armin fluff #armin arlert x you

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suckerforcate · 1 year

Note

Could you please write a Larissa weems x reader angst/song fic inspired by brand new city by mitski?

R is a famous artist who leaves out of the blue and shows up at Nevermore as the new art teacher? Larissa is a fan of their work and is confused why they chose nevermore and learns they were a former student. R has struggled with their mental health and being in the public eye led to drug use but managed to stay clean for their longest period just before/whilst teaching. This comes crashing down when they are having a panic attack before one on one meeting with Larissa because they are head over heels and think that she couldn't possibly like someone like them back and they think that they are going to get fired because they have no confidence in their teaching so they find their old emergency stash in a jacket pocket and take it before the meeting? This leads to a very concerned Larissa as R are acting weird so she questions them about what's wrong and they spill everything about being into them and about their issues since they are very out of it? Larissa basically just takes care of them til they sober up and holds R as they cry about having ruined everything thinking they 100% have no chance now but in fact Larissa loves them and just wants them to be the healthiest version of themself and is sad they didn't come talk to them about their issues sooner?

What'd you take?

Pairing: Larissa Weems x Reader

Word Count: 1953

Warning: mental health problems, drug addiction, relapse, panic attack

A/n: I really hope you like it, I tried to put some of the lyrics into the story. I hope I did alright! <3

Ever since you had been a little child, you had wanted to be a singer. You imagined it would free you from the poor life you had had. Your family never had a lot of money, and you wanted to be able to give them something back. But, turns out famous life isn't that great.

It had been great at the beginning, it felt like a haze. A haze of success and people all around, loving you and your music. But with time you got worse, the pressure that came with standing in the public eye, the massive hate that you received from some people. It overwhelmed you completely, you felt you weren't strong enough. But you had always loved what you were doing, so for quite some time you tried to find ways to withstand the pressure.

Slowly you fell into a serious drug addiction, and while you knew the shit you had brought yourself into, it's hard to stop if you're addicted. In the end your sister had been the one, who pulled you out of the whole you had fallen into. She helped you with quitting the pills and sobered you up.

You didn't plan on going back into show business, the fear of relapse was too great. So you took a little break and searched for a job. It was hard, wherever you applied, people recognised you and made a fuss. You just wanted to have some peace and get away from all the chaos. Your mother actually had the idea, that convinced you.

And that's how you found yourself in the office of Larissa Weems, headmistress of Nevermore Academy.

"Can I just ask, how did you become aware of Nevermore Academy? It's quite unusual for such famous people to apply at a school like ours." You had seen the question roam through her mind since the second you entered her office. As a singer you hadn't used your real name, so the postal apply hadn’t shown Principle Weems who you were. But your face certain had.

"Well, I have been a student her myself, over ten years ago. And I needed some distance from the whole show business. A school in the middle of the woods seems like the perfect match, doesn't it?" To your absolute delight, you got the job. And the day you moved in, was also the day that you had been sober for 200 days. Standing in your own little room in the Academy, proud was the word that came to your mind. You were so proud of you, you hadn't rotten in a whole of despair and addiction, no. You had built up a new life, a healthy life.

That new life was going great. Your students seemed to love you, even though they were a little taken aback the first time they entered the classroom, seeing you as their teacher. But it didn't take them long to recover from the initial shock. You realised you should have probably been a teacher all your life. Yes you loved singing, but this. This healed your heart, it was a passion you had never known to have.

The school and your work there brought you utmost peace and joy and with time you even felt yourself fall in love. While that as itself was wonderful and the most beautiful feeling, it brought a few problems with it. The first and most obvious one being, that you had fallen in love with Larissa. Your boss. Great, right?

At the beginning you hadn't even realised that you were in love with her. You had never been in love, so how do you differ between being in love with someone and just being happy to see them because they're your friend? No idea.

But with time it became obvious even to you. Ian, your favourite colleague had told you a long time before you had known it yourself.

"My god, (Y/n). Don't be so oblivious, you have the biggest crush on that woman." You stared at him in shock.

"What, no! I have not." Ian just grinned, he knew you would realise it yourself sooner or later. In your case it was later. It took you unbelievable long.

But one day you eventually did. You were in the library with Ian and Larissa came over to talk to you. It wasn't anything important, just some things about class. Right before she turned to leave, she looked you up and down and smirked.

"I really like the dress! It makes your pretty eyes pop out." And with that she left, not seeing you blush like crazy. You stared after her, and suddenly you turned to look at Ian.

"Oh god, I'm in love with her." Embarrassed you hid your face in your hands while Ian started laughing so much her had actual tears roll down his cheek. Everyone in the library looked at you, thankfully they hadn't heard your confession though. They just thought Ian was going crazy.

Well that was that.

-----------------

The thing with you in general was, that you were very unsure of yourself and extremely insecure in everything you did. You never felt like you were doing good or like you were enough. And that became quite the problem.

It had been a normal day, classes went quite well, and you had already finished some of your work as Larissa approached you. Face not kind and patient as usual, it looked rather displeased and cold.

"(Y/n), would you come to my office in an hour. We need to talk." You gulped and just nodded, immediately leaving for your room. The look on her face made you panic. All of your insecurities overthrowing your rational thinking.

What if she wants to fire me? I knew I was doing a shit job at teaching. I'm not made for this.

Now even the tiniest chance of her liking me is lost. She probably hates me, how could I have ever thought to have a chance with her. Why on earth would she like me?

You felt your mind getting filled with more and more fears and negative thoughts. Slowly but surely a panic attack was arising. You had been so proud of you new, healthy life, and you were more scared than ever to have that taken away from you.

Your breathing got unsteady, and your chest felt tight. It felt like your body was falling in pieces. Legs giving up underneath you, slowly sliding down the door. You held your trembling hand against your chest in hopes of being calmed by your heart beat, just to find your heart racing. It felt like your blood was passing you by. Still breathing ragged, you clung to the jacket that was hung over the chair next to you, and felt a little packet in it. You immediately knew what it was, and you very well knew how stupid this was. But rationality wasn't your biggest strength right now.

So you took the pills, probably the last ones you still had. It had been your emergency pack, even though for a while now you hadn't thought to ever need them again. Still leaning at your door, your breathing slowly flattened no you didn't feel like chocking anymore. The trembling of the hands decreased, and you could stand up again.

Calmed down now, you left your room and went to Larissa's office. You weren't even scared anymore, who cares if you'll get fired?

"Could I have some water?" Larissa found your behaviour to be extremely strange. Your pupils were extremely dilated, you complained about the heat on her office the whole time. It wasn't hot in her office, not at all.

"(Y/n), that's the third glass of water. You have been here for ten minutes."

"Well, apparently I'm quite thirsty. My, It's hot on here Larissa." That was it, this behaviour was absolutely unlike you.

"Darling, are you feeling alright. I'm a little worried about you?" You just looked at her, not really grasping what was happening.

"I just took a little. Really just a bit." That alarmed Larissa, and she immediately rounded her desk, sitting down next to you.

"What'd you take? Honey, look at me." You felt her take your hands and gently stroke over your pulse point. In hindsight, you weren't exactly sure what made you spill. Her gentleness, the worry in her eyes or your absolute despair.

"I'm so sorry. I've taken the pills. I know I shouldn't have, I- I- If you'll fire me, I can understand that but-" Larissa didn't look angry at all, no, she actually cupped your cheek and brushed the tears away.

"Shhh, Darling. Calm down, what pills?" You had a hard time breathing again, but managed to get some words out.

"My emergency pack. I- I ended my career because I had a drug addiction, but I was clean. I didn't- when I came her ... I hadn't for over half a year."

"It's alright, shh. Let it out, my beautiful dove." She pulled you into her chest and let you cry, hearing her heart beat made you calm down, until your breathing was normal again.

"Ok, love. You know I don't want to push, but I'm also your employer and I need to know what happened. Why did you take the pills?" You washed the tears away, even though that was useless as the next were already on their way. Ashamed you looked to the floor.

"I had a panic attack after you told me we needed to talk. I thought the ground was pulling me down. You looked so- so cold and angry. I thought I did something wrong, that you'd fire me, and I was so scared to lose the life I had so neatly built up again. I love this school and my work here, and I love you, and I was scared that you'd hate me and I- wait, no- what did I just say? No- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." Larissa just pulled you into a warm hug.

"(Y/n), calm down. Firstly, I didn't want to fire you. I'm so sorry that I made you think that. I just had an annoying situation with a student right before that and was a little on edge. I just wanted to talk about a club, you might like to do. Secondly, I don't hate you. I'm not mad about the pill thing, I just wished you would have come to me earlier. Telling me about your problems and fears. I want you to know that I'm always there for you. Because thirdly, I love you." Your eyes widened. All of your fears and thoughts had been absolutely unfounded. You had just assumed things, and you had misjudged her completely. You started to uncontrollably sob at that.

"Hush, love. Please don't cry. All is well." She gently rubbed your back and held you through it all.

"And please, don't think that you have failed your journey on sobriety. You relapsed, yes. But that's not the end of the world. We'll get you sobered up, and I'll stay with you though it all. And if you have any pills left we'll throw them out. I want you to talk to me in the future, if you ever feel like you'll relapse. Failure is a part of success." You nodded your head against her chest. Thankful for whatever fate, that this woman had become a part of your life.

And she held her promise. She helped you throw away the last pills, she was there for you when it got hard. She truly saved you. She and this school, where the best thing that and ever happened to you

#gwendoline christie #gwendoline christie x reader #wlw #larissa weems #larissa weems x reader #larissa weems x you #larissa x reader #wednesday #principle weems #wednesday netflix #wednsday addams

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neobora · 10 months

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'an example: you want to be confident, but you feel incredibly insecure. realise you’re just looking at life through this specific lens! this is not you, just a point of view that can be discarded anytime. and because you know you have all the power, and whatever you assume to be true is true, you look at life through a new lens, through the eyes of someone who is already confident. just let it happen. decide it is done, without conditions, without thinking "god i hope this will work" and the feeling will come to you naturally. that is what we‘re after anyways: naturalness.'

how can we do that, i mean, i've never felt being confident. i was always insecure how can i embody that lens<state> i just wanna be confudent but when i tryna feel confident i just feel its fake and im delusipnal

Trying to assume a new state while being stuck in your old one is what makes you feel delusional and stuck. I‘ve been there myself.

Read that post again and internalise what i said about who you actually are. Right now you‘re still holding on to being insecure, you still see the outside as the truth.

It really all comes from realising youre just awareness, no labels attached. Just pure being. Remove all labels.

The two meditations i linked below might help you.

From the knowledge that you‘re just consciousness and your life is a clean slate you can assume any state you want. I mean it, you don‘t HAVE to feel like you‘re insecure. That‘s just a meaningless label you chose, something you can change anytime by KNOWING you are above everything.

I‘ve tried to assume new states while feeling like i couldnt do anything and i was always met with resistance. It becomes so easy once you make it clear to yourself that you don‘t have to feel things you dont want to feel. The only one forcing you to keep identifying with your old state is you, and the only one who can realize you are just the observer and assume something new is you.

youtube

#my asks #law of assumption #loablr

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putschki1969 · 2 months

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2024/02/27 Blog post by Wakana 気温差に振り回される毎日〜閏年のおかげで締切が１日増えてます〜

❗This is Fan Club EXCLUSIVE content❗ ❗PERSONAL USE ONLY❗ ❗Do NOT SHARE on other sites❗ ❗Join her FAN CLUB! Check out my detailed TUTORIAL ❗

Constantly At The Mercy Of Temperature Changes〜Deadline Extended Thanks To The Leap Year〜

Lately, there have been extremely hot days, and then all of a sudden, the temperatures are dropping again so I often find myself being dressed inappropriately when I go out. Yesterday for example, I was wearing clothes that weren't suitable for the weather😇Flimsy pants made of thin material without tights underneath and just a thin, short down jacket😂My legs were freezing😂 Why did I choose a short jacket? I kept blaming myself all day as I was struggling not to be blown away by the strong wind😇 Well, I somehow survived yesterday, so today I made sure not to make the same mistake again. I wore a thick long wool coat, tights underneath my pants and a huge muffler wrapped around my neck. Best choice, it was perfect ＼＼\\٩( 'ω' )و //／／ I didn't feel the cold at all! ! I was so happy that I ate yakiniku for lunch all by myself at my favourite small restaurant. (I should have taken some pictures😅)

Anyway, today it was even colder than yesterday in Tokyo, also, it was extremely windy😱 There were a lot of things lying on the main street that had been blown around by the wind... I wondered what it was. When I looked closely, I noticed that it was garbage bags which had been blown around😱There was even one garbage bag lying around in the middle of the road 💦 The wind is way stronger than expected...

Hello, this is Wakana (0￣▽￣0)／

Are you also worried about what to wear this spring season? ? It's really difficult 😓

Well, I know it's a little late but I am finally dine with my gifts for those whose messages I read during this month's "Talk Garden"! ! This month's theme was Valentine's Day so of course I had to choose cards with hearts on them ♡ All of them are cute and I love them! 😍 This month's Shark-chan is chocolate coloured and sparkly✨🦈 I also tried adding a heart but I wasn't used to drawing them so the lines turned out kinda blurry😂Sorry😂 Please wait a little while longer until my love letter gets delivered to you~♡ ~･:*+.\(( °ω° ))/.:+ [OMG, so excited to receive my love letter from Wakana. She chose two cards with German on it, how cute! I guess I will be getting the one with all the different stamps featuring little angels]

Speaking of which!!. . . . Everyone 😊 I think you all know what I am about to say😊

The next talk theme is "Graduation Memories"♡ Certainly you would have some memories, right? ♡ I am sure you just forgot to send your messages, right? ♡ Once again, I have barely received any submissions! 🤣🤣Please everyone, do your best ! 😂 Think of something! *laughs* Be sure to submit your stories! ! 😂 I'm eagerly awaiting all of your messages😂

On a more or less related side-note, I've recently been thinking a lot about wanting to "graduate"! ! The truth is, I want to graduate from my super unhealthy habit of using my smartphone before sleeping🥺📱It's really bad for me 😭 In my case, it's not a matter of my sleep becoming too light, but rather that I fall asleep later and later.😭 After getting ready and heading into bed, it's best to turn off the lights and focus on falling asleep. That way I can get in a lot more hours of sleep! I am aware of all of that but still...it's tough... So that's why I would really like to move past this bad habit! ! 🥺💐

Anyway, please send me all of your stories related to graduation! ! ＼＼\\٩( 'ω' )و //／／ The deadline is the 29th since this is a leap year!

Well then, that’s it for today! Until next time~ ☆( *'▽'*)/

＊＊＊Wakana＊＊＊

#kalafina #wakana #wakana blog #fan club exclusive content #botanical land

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qqueenofhades · 11 months

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hello, it's youngin anon once again. i need advice and i have no one to ask, so i figured i could ask you. it's a lot and long, so if you don't want to answer, feel free to ignore.

idk how familiar you are with immigrant child guilt, but it weighs on me immensely. my parents work very hard and i can see the way they struggle. i remember when i was young we didn't even have a bed! me and my siblings slept on cushions. i've seen the insane hours my dad has worked so as to afford me and my siblings a better and more comfortable life. both of my parents have put in a lot of work to give us good opportunities, starting with their immigration to the US.

in nigerian culture, education is extremely important, so as i grew up, my parents have always told me to focus on my education, telling me not to work and it did pay off bc i did end up as valedictorian. college, however is presenting a new set of problems.

my dad, who i am financially dependent on (and who is paying the tuition for the state uni where i'm enrolled) has made it abundantly clear that he thinks med school is the only valid career path. i told him that my roommate was studying comms and he said that she could become a lawyer or something, before looking me dead in the eyes and that wasn't an option for me. with him, it's med school or bust.

as long as i could remember, my parents have been telling me i was going to become a doctor. every time i asked my dad to get me something, he say, i'll do it and in the future, you'll become a doctor, right? and i would agree and that was that. i've answered to all the adults who asked me that i was was going to med school and they would all give me smiles of approval. if i mentioned any other career growing up i'd be ruthlessly shot down or gently persuaded about how much more security there was in medicine.

i was aware in high school that i didn't really want to be a doctor so i sort of set myself up, enrolling under my college's science school so as to cut off my own retreat path. i figured that if i was able to bear it during high school, i could bear it during college. but i can see my own behavior and i know that i don't really like STEM. not that it's a bad field! i just don't have any interest in it. i read the textbooks to learn enough to pass the test and that's it. i don't interact with my classmates or the professors or the material beyond what's needed to get an A. this is in sharp contrast to my history classes which i have been enthralled with. I took a world history class in the first semester enjoyed it immensely. last semester i took a war and violence in africa class and LOVED it. it made me want to become an African historian/Africanist. i talk to my professors, enjoy the readings, the assignments, all the new info i'm getting on the continent where my family originates. i go to my history classes and i want to be there. i want to learn.

i don't know if i could survive academia as a profession because i've seen you posting about the struggles from working in academia and there was a large strike at my school last semester because professors weren't earning enough. if it were a perfect world or if i had lots of money i would love to get my Ph.D focusing on West African history and be a history professor, but it's not, so. i've been thinking about law school as a happy compromise. i could go to law school with a undergrad history degree and if i went to law school i could also pursue JD/MA in History. i'm trying out some law classes next semester to see how i like them.

i'm now scared that if i were to transfer to a different school in my college my scholarship might be reduced. i'm also afraid that i would lose my parents' financial support if i chose to pursue a different career path and i have no actual work experience.

and i understand my parents' very valid concerns! both of them grew up poor in Nigeria and it was their STEM educations that afforded them better lives. they don't want me to experience that level of crushing poverty that heavily defined their youth. my mom tells me about her younger brother in Nigeria who struggles to get work with his masters. my dad tells me about co-workers' children who can't get jobs in their field of profession and have to work whatever jobs come their way. from what i've seen on the news, the future job market looks bad for the young people (around the world!). millennials are having problems and my generation isn't set to do much better.

is it fair to my parents to just disregard that and pursue work in the humanities? i want to do what i want, to just live my life, but it feels like it's not just my life. it would feel so selfish to just risk that all. whenever i talk to my parents about their journey in the US i feel like i should just suck it all up and go to med school. if my parents could suffer all of that, who i am to complain? do my struggles compare?

i feel like my sense of pragmatism and idealism are warring against each other. I don't like STEM, I'm good at it, good enough to get good grades in the classes, but it's not something i enjoy doing, but there's more job security. i love history and the humanities as a whole, but i might struggle with employment.

i'm semi-familiar with the path i would need to take to become a doctor. i would have to make it into med school (high GPA, experience in science research/labs, shadowing healthcare professionals, good recommendations, etc.), survive med school, survive residency (during which residents are worked like dogs), complete fellowships, and then i would be able to practice independently. and that would probably occupy the majority of my time. people have told me that med school is hard even for people that like medicine. for me who is just tolerating it, can i do it? and what about any future patients? is it fair to them?

my mom has always said that i could just get my second degree in whatever i wanted after i became a doctor, but i don't know if i would have the mental strength/energy/free time to go back to school after med school. i feel like if i grit my teeth and bared it for all my twenties i would lose the drive to do it my thirties. it feels like i've been putting off my living my life for my entire life. in middle school i thought about high school, in high school about college, and in college about post-graduate life. i'm tired of this constant look towards the future, but it's the only thing i know how to do. my brain is constantly asking "okay, and then what?"

if i go to med school and realize that i really can't do it, then i'll be trapped. it'll be too much debt to walk away from, too many years of my life dedicated towards that end goal of becoming a doctor. i feel like if i'm going to change my future plans, i should do it before sooner rather than later. 19 isn't too late to walk back but 26 might be.

but it's not like pursuing a career closer to what i want would be easier.

there's always this big fear in the background of, what if i fail? what if i risk it all to go to law school and i don't make it in? or i end up in a low-paying law job saddled with hundreds of thousands in student debt? or even if i make it to biglaw, i still end up burned out from all the hours that they work? wouldn't i still be miserable? i'm not super familiar with how law school works but i've done some lurking around @artielu's blog and law seems like something i should also go into in only if i'm sure.

(i'm not. i'm not sure of anything really.)

it feels like no matter what i'm going to be unhappy in the future. maybe everyone feels this way, maybe a certain level of unhappiness is normal in adult life. it just makes me feel so frustrated because i'm struggling so hard for what? idk. i'm also so desperately scared. i'm scared that one day i'll wake up in the my forties/fifties and realize that i hate my life. maybe i'll look back on this and lament how spoiled/whiny i was. idk. idk.

i'm not looking for an answer to this dilemma, i know this is a decision i'll have to make for myself, but i would appreciate any advice or even words of encouragement. thank you.

Welp. Okay, first of all, I am giving you a big virtual hug and sitting you down at your coffeeshop of choice. So imagine us talking there.

Second, thanks for pouring out your heart to me about this and your various other comments and chats over the years. I only know you as one of my favorite (shh) Tumblr anons on the internet, but I have always seen how thoughtful, smart, and hard-working you are, and I don't take it lightly that you trust me to listen to you and to give you good advice. (Or uh, let's hope, at least not bad advice? Jury's out.) Likewise, I'm absolutely sure that immigrant-child guilt is something to which a lot of my followers can very much relate, and would be happy to talk with you about. So if you are one of said followers and you'd like to encourage anon to reach out to you, please drop a note in the replies! I can't speak to this from personal experience, but I'd love to help connect you to others in your situation. Because yes, it IS absolutely a universal struggle for first- or second-gen immigrant kids: balancing cultural expectations of parents, American opportunities, feeling guilty if you do what you want, etc etc.

Third, and this is just me talking: if you absolutely feel this way, then no, I don't think you should go to medical school. I realize that this is far easier said than done, but if you continue to feel this strongly about it, then... you shouldn't be expected to do it, and that's just something that everyone in your family will have to come to terms with. After all, your parents came to America so you could be raised as an American, and there would be multiple pathways to success -- not whatever just they themselves had to do in order to get here in the first place. I'm afraid that you'll eventually have to bite the bullet and have an honest talk with your parents about this, but it may help if you present this as both your own success and THEIR success. After all, you're smart, talented, you have so many options, and you'll clearly succeed at whatever you choose to do. And that means THEY did their job right: they worked hard, they raised you right, they brought you to a place where there ISN'T just one narrow pathway to having a fulfilling and prestigious career. It doesn't mean they "failed" to make you a doctor. It means they succeeded in making YOU, and opening up so many more things for you to do.

Obviously: that's going to be hard either way, your parents are probably going to be upset, and that's very tough to deal with, especially if you're a close family unit and if you're financially dependent on them. You're the only one who can choose when to have the conversation and what might come of it, but it's still something that you do have the right to do. If you want to research other aid options or scholarship packages, or reach out to financial aid/admissions officers at other schools to see what it might take to transfer (that is, if you need to transfer), that's your right to do. You're an adult now and you have the right to take legal and personal responsibility for your own life. If you know what you want to do and how you want to do it: then again, isn't that why your parents came here? Isn't that what they were working to achieve?

Yes, academia is hard. No, there's no guarantee of getting a job. But there isn't the guarantee of getting a job in medicine either, especially if it's something you're forcing yourself to do and which (as you note) would impact negatively on you, your colleagues, and the patients you would be expected to serve. Especially post-Covid and in the American healthcare system: being a doctor/nurse/healthcare professional SUCKS! Even if you like it and feel called to do it, it still sucks, and the only people earning a lot of money from it are the senior/career/specialist types (as is the case in every field). Of course your parents have expectations and dreams for you, but they also don't get the right to control/dictate your entire adult life just by virtue of deciding to bring you into the world. After all, they did that, and that means embracing you as a person with your own choices. (And this goes for all people with controlling/bossy parents, regardless of immigrant or non-immigrant background). So again: this is what they wanted for you, and you've paid that off already.

I absolutely feel the "I spend all my time thinking/worrying about the future and being scared that I'll end up wasting my life" thing, which I think is common to a lot of high-achieving smart people (we are terminal overthinkers to a one). I can tell you now that life has a way of surprising you, and when you get a little older, you start becoming more comfortable with yourself, your accomplishments, your talents, and knowing what you're good at. So I don't think you will find that you've wasted anything. Likewise, when it comes to studying for advanced degrees in history: do you think it might help with your parents if you agreed to pursue a name-brand school? It's still not guaranteed, but trust me, going to a place like Harvard or Yale makes it tremendously easier to get a job or a future opportunity just by virtue of having that name on your CV and the people you will meet, and I have no doubt that you would be able to get in. As well, I don't really think your parents could argue with you going to an Ivy League, or think that you weren't applying yourself.

Likewise, if there is anything I can do to support you in this, please feel free to message me privately/off anon. I will write a letter of recommendation for you, I will see if I know a person who knows a person, I will help look at application materials, so forth and etc. I mean it: I WILL help you in the real world if I possibly can. I'm sure you have tons of other enthusiastic recommenders, but still. Also, I will say that despite the current (terrible) academic job market, I have seen quite a few openings for professors of African history/African studies/African-American literature and culture, and that's just in the US. There are also lots of opportunities around the world.

Anyway: I hope that's helpful to start with. I am giving you all the hugs. Please reach out to me again (especially via private message) if I can help with this in more tangible ways. And likewise, if any of my followers would like anon to reach out to them: please make a note in the replies. We can do this together.

#anonymous #ask #school stuff #academia: not even once #long post

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