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huffelpuff210 · 19 days

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Taken Car of Soft Dark Steve Rogers x Soft Dark Bucky Barnes x Reader

Taken Care of Soft Dark Steve Rogers x Soft Dark Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You suffered the loss of a still born baby, You are best friends with the two super soliders, but what happens when they come to comfort you

Warning: Mentions of a loss of a baby, mentions of depression, mentions of drinking, baby trapping, breeding kink, forced relationship, forced marriage, forced pregnancy, Non Con

You stare out the window of your small town house home, a blanket draped over your shoulders as you watch the snow fall, a small cup of hot chocolate in your hands, you catch a gimps of your refection, your hair a knotted mess, dark circles under your eyes, your eyes puffy from all the crying,

It had been three months, since it happened, you close your eyes at the memory when you first found out you were pregnant you were so thrilled, you were excited at the thought of being a mom,

You didn’t really have any parental figures growing up your parents died when you were ten, and you jumped foster homes, running away at just fifteen, learning to survive when you realized you had a talent for hacking and building stuff,

At age eighteen you were recruited by Tony Stark and shield Now only twenty two you had an amazing job and place to call home, that’s where you met Steve and Bucky, you and the two super soliders were close,

You met your ex boyfriend at the nearby coffee shop on your break, the two of you dated for about a year and a half when you found out about being pregnant he was less than thrilled about the news, when you told the two super soliders Bucky told you he was a dick and needed to be taught a lesson, Steve on the other hand said he didn’t deserve you, But still He was trying sort of, his first reaction was for you to abort the baby, but that was not how you worked, the two of you fought for two weeks about the situation,

When he realized you were not going to do that he left you, you didn’t care, you were so happy to be having a baby, setting up your spare room as a nursery,

You wipe a tear away from your cheek,

You were 39 weeks, when you got your ultrasound finding out that he wasn’t moving, they did an emergency C-Section and he was still born, Meaning he wasn’t alive. It broke your heart, you knew it was from all the stress your Ex had put on you.

You took a leave of absence from the avengers for the time being, they understood, Steve and Bucky had been away on a mission when everything happened, no one was allowed to call them since they were undercover and you didn’t want to frankly,

Everyone tried calling you or coming by to at least check on you but you never answered, you just didn’t have the heart to talk about how you were,

You were a mess, your home was a mess, you no longer ate, or slept, all you could think about was losing him, your child, you never got to witness his first cry, or see him open his eyes, You were never going to see him smile for the first time, or celebrate his first birthday, you could feel the tears falling from your face again, setting the coco down and burying your head in your knees,

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door, You didn’t bother moving, you just assumed it was Wanda or Nat they both checked on you daily but you never would answer,

The knock was loud, You look at the clock it was past three in the morning,

“Y/N, we know you are in there open the door.” You hear Steve’s voice,

Still you don’t make any attempts to move,

You keep your head buried in your knees, the knocking gets louder,

“Y/N open the damn door before I knock it down!” You hear Bucky,

They must have just gotten back for their mission and heart the news,

You sigh, standing up walking down the stairs to the living room where it is littered with bottles of beer, water bottles and all sorts of trash, you are a Meticulous cleaner, you keep your place and work space clean as a whistle but you didn’t have the energy to care,

the blanket still draped over your shoulders, wearing a black spaghetti strapped tank top, and red plaid pajama pants, you unlock the front door, cracking it slightly seeing the two super soliders,

“What do you want?” Your voice raspy from crying, they looked at each other

“Let us in.” Bucky says

“No.” You try to shut the door in their faces but Steve’s hand stops the door,

“That wasn’t a request.” He says they both walk past you.

“Tony says you haven’t been in work for three months, or answering anyone’s calls.” Steve says

You sigh shutting the door.

“So.” You say walking past them,

“Do you two want anything to drink?’ You say walking into the kitchen.

“We didn’t come here for refreshments kitten.” Bucky says

“Then why did you come?” You asked looking over your shoulder as you are looking in the fridge bent over

“We are worried.” Steve says

“Don’t be I’m fine.” You say

“Really? Because by the looks of this place and you, it doesn’t seem that way.” Bucky says

All you had in the fridge was beer and juice so you grabbed a beer, opening it, They were highly concerned because you were not a big drinker, But you didn’t care, you didn’t care you didn’t care about anything you just wanted this pain to stop, just as you were about to take a sip Bucky took it from your hand,

You sighed,

“Why are you to here?” You ask,

“Because we heard what happened,” Steve says

You sighed again walking towards your couch sitting down.

“Look I appreciate it but I’m fin-” You began,

“No your not, and we are not leaving now that we see the condition you are in.” Bucky says

You look him in the eyes and for the first time since they arrived you can see a hint of anger but concern in his eyes.

#soft dark fic #mcu smut #soft dark Steve Rogers #soft dark Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes fanfiction #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers fanfiction #dark steve x smut reader #steve rogers x reader #dark bucky barnes #obsessive bucky barnes #obsessive steve rogers #protective bucky barnes #protective steve rogers #depressed reader

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allagogtoreblog · 1 year

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#eddie stranger things #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #marvel #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #fanfic #join the dark side #we have cookies and depression #my kind of people #i made a meme #meme

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grace-writes-shit · 10 months

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I Found You (Bucky Barnes X Rogers!Reader)

Words: 4.1k

Warnings/Themes: Angst! Character death, abduction, torture, human experimentation, allusions to PTSD, depression, thoughts of wanting to be unalived

Characters/Pairings: 40s!Bucky Barnes x Rogers!Reader, Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter (Mentioned), Howling Commandos (Mentioned)

misspygmypie asked:

Hello 🥰 I saw your request post and figured I'd send something in. I've had this idea for years, and it would be fun to read it!

You know when Steve finds and rescues Bucky at Hydra in the first movie? What if it's reader who they're rescuing and Hydra did some experiments on. Maybe she's Steves sister and they wanted to get to him through her and obviously Bucky has a thing for her lol 🥰

A/N: Sincerest apologies for taking so long to get this up. I've been taking on extra duties at work since my partner got fired and things have been super crazy since it's end of quarter. it also hasn't been the best for my mental health, so writing had been a struggle. probably why this ended up being so dang angsty. Sorry. Adulting seriously sucks. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Rain pattered gently on the canvas walls of the medical tent, while boots splashed noisily in the mud it created. Outside of the tent, she could hear the daily drills going on, soldiers training, and officers shouting commands. Her own fellow nurses milled about the tent, tending to wounded soldiers or doing other daily chores. It was a quiet day for the 107th Infantry Regiment.

“Alright, Private Richards, try not to go sticking your hand into random holes again. I doubt the next rabbit will be so kind.” Nimble fingers began tidying up the bloodied cotton balls and gauze used to clean and wrap the boy’s hand. 18 years old, you would think he’d know better than to stick his hand in holes in the ground.

“Yes, First Lieutenant, ma’am…” The boy grabbed his jacket and sulked out of the med tent. She laughed to herself as she watched him go. Knowing him, he’d be back soon enough. Not unlike his Sergeant, who wandered in a few moments later, a lazy smirk on his lips.

James Buchanan Barnes. Or as she’s known for most of her life, Bucky. The charming Sergeant was her older brother’s best friend, having been around since she was small. They were all thick as thieves, hardly seen without one of the others.

It may or may not have been a blessing to constantly have Bucky around. He was kind, funny, and took good care of her and her brother. However, other boys and men didn’t seem too eager to get to know her with him hanging at her shoulder. It’s even worse now with Steve being triple the size he was a year ago.

Occasionally, a brave soul will strike up the nerve to enter the medical tent and ask her out to the nearest town for a drink and a dance. But Bucky had uncanny timing. He always popped up just as she was about to answer.

“Now, a pretty face like that shouldn’t look so angry.” A voice sounded in her ear. A startled gasp escaped her and her hands fumbled the tools she had been organizing. Bucky caught a pair of forceps before they could hit the floor.

“James! You nearly gave me a heart attack!” She admonished him with a firm smack on the shoulder. He chuckled and rubbed the sore spot.

“Ow, careful there, doll. Gonna take my arm off with that strength.”

“Oh please, it’ll take a lot more than that to get rid of you.” She spun out of his reach when he tried to grab her arm. A small smile graced her lips as she made a final spin to face him. “Did you need something, Bucky?”

“What, I can’t come see my best girl just because I want to?

“I know your troop is supposed to be running the course right now, so no you can’t just come see me because you want to,” she said while gesturing for him to sit on the cot in the corner or her station. “Now, what mess did you get yourself into to be sent here?”

“You know me so well, Darlin’,” he whispered wistfully, smiling up at her with those big blues. He wore a dopey smile as he presented his cut left hand. She pursed her lips and tried to fight the blush rising to her cheeks. Damn him.

Stepping closer, she took his calloused hand into her softer one and observed the cut. It wasn’t too deep but still needed to be cleaned and dressed.

“What happened?” She remained in between his legs as she prepped some alcohol and gauze. His right hand toyed with the fabric of her skirt. With a narrowed look, she smacked the back of it.

“Just a climbing exercise; a nail was sticking out of the wall and caught my hand.” His voice was hushed as she worked. She hummed and began cleaning the wound. He hissed and jerked his hand back. With eyes rolling, the nurse grabbed his hand more firmly.

“You big baby.”

“Your big baby.” She smacked his arm again.

<><>

Gunshots fired all around her, men shouting and screaming. Some in pain, some as a battle cry. But all she could think about was how gentle Bucky’s hands had been in hers. And how much she wished it was his hands on her right now.

But larger, rougher hands now tore at her. Pushing and pulling. She screamed from behind her gag and her hands strained against the restraints. Black boots kicked out at her captors as she fought like a feral cat. She twisted this way and that, anything to loosen their grip on her. But against four burly men, she didn’t stand a chance.

She guessed they had gotten tired of her struggling because a blunt weapon struck the back of her head and she fell limp to the ground.

It was cold. Colder than she had ever been. The air was damp, making the ache in her lungs worse. Blurry eyes peeled open. The room she sat in was dark, only a green-tinted light on the other side of the room illuminated the space. Its murky light cast deep shadows around the room that seemed to move. Her head lolled to the side as one shadow moved closer.

Ah, not shadows. Men. Hydra.

“Good evening, Miss Rogers.” His voice was heavily accented and polite. Nothing like what you’d imagine a torturer or murderer to sound like. “I am honored to have Captain America’s sister as my guest.”

She groaned. The gag was no longer wrapped around her mouth, but her tongue felt like lead. Thoughts struggled to focus and grasp what this man was saying.

“Such a shame, a First Lieutenant, Chief Nurse, so much promise in your future. But because of your brother, you’ll never get to meet that future. We have another one much better suited for you.”

His words floated through her mind but didn’t stick. She was a nurse… She helps people. Why was she here? There were soldiers at camp that needed her. Bucky needed her…

“..ucky…” She slurred, drool dribbling from the corner of her mouth. Her bones felt heavier than lead and her muscles were like the slop served at breakfast. The shadows at the edge of her vision danced ever closer.

“Don’t worry, my dear, you’ll forget the pain soon.”

<><>

Bucky tore through the camp, Steve hot on his heels. His blue eyes roved over the multitude of bodies and injured, searching for that familiar head of hair. Always done up so prettily. Like last week when she was bandaging up his hand. Her nails were painted red, and her hair was twisted up into a flawless bun. Her red-painted lips smiled warmly at him. Fear gripped his heart at the idea that he would never see that smile again.

“Bucky, stop!” Steve clamped a hand on his best friend’s shoulder, forcing the Sergeant to a stop. It wouldn’t do his sister any good if they lost their heads. As much as he wanted to tear the whole world apart until his sister was safe, he knew that reckless actions could get her killed. If she wasn’t dead already…

“She’s – she’s gone, Steve. Where is she!?” Bucky spun to face Steve, his eyes wide and slightly crazed. He can’t lose her. He never got to take her on a date. Never got to hold her close and confess how deeply and fervently he love her. Bucky bit down on his lip to stop its wobble. He can’t cry, not yet. Not while there’s still a possibility she’s out there.

“I know. I know, Buck. We’ll get her back. No matter what.”

Footsteps rushed up to the pair. A soldier stopped in front of them, slightly out of breath. “A-a letter for you, sir. It-it has the hydra insignia.”

Upon reading the contents, Steve and Bucky took off to Colonel Phillips' tent. The older man sat at a desk, signing letters to the families of the deceased and missing. Steve hardly gave the man time to put his pen down before requesting a team to rescue the captured. He decided to leave out the fact that he was only doing this to get his sister back.

“I understand the heroic need to save the day, but those who have been taken prisoner are far behind enemy lines and we don’t have the manpower or resources to conduct a rescue mission.” Phillips’ response was expected, but it didn’t stop Bucky’s jaw from clenching or his hands from balling into fists.

The Colonel looked at the two young men standing in front of him. He knew exactly why they wanted to go. Only a fool would think that Captain America wouldn’t move heaven and earth for the younger Rogers. An even bigger fool wouldn’t see the lovesick look every time James Barnes was near her, or the way his gaze follows her as she walks across the base.

Phillips sighed heavily, digging through a stack of letters yet to be signed. First Lieutenant Y/N Rogers. MIA.

Steve took the letter with shaking hands. Bucky felt a tear roll down his cheek.

They were dismissed and the two trudged away. A silent look was exchanged and they agreed. They would go after her with or without permission.

<><>

“…name… Rogers…” Chapped lips mumbled her name over and over again. A tired mind determined to hold on to herself. Don’t forget. Don’t forget. “…Y/N… Rogers…”

“Y/N?” A voice hissed.

“Y/N/N?” A different voice, closer this time.

“Steve! She’s here!” The buckles around her wrists and ankles fell off one by one. Warm, calloused hands that she dreamed about cupped her face. She groaned and willed the fog from her brain. These hands. Bucky’s hands.

“Buck…” She croaked, red lipstick smudged, and once pristine hair hanging limply around her face. His smile brightened the shadows in her vision. Steve had joined them and helped her sit up.

“Hey, doll. What’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?” Giving her a watery smile, he pushed the hair from her face. The cheap line earned him a weak chuckle.

“Oh, what any girl does in a place like this,” she responded. Together, the two men helped her to her feet. The room pitched suddenly, her legs giving out under her. Whatever they had given her made her legs weak.

“Guess you make me a little weak in the knees,” she joked as Bucky swept her into his arms. She tucked her head into his neck, leaning heavily into him. Steve carefully led the way out, checking around corners and taking out any enemy soldiers that they crossed paths with.

Eventually, the trio made it out of the now-burning building. A mass of freed soldiers met them and together the company fought their way back to their camp. Bucky cradled her close to his chest the entire time. He stuck close to Steve, letting him take the punches. Steve didn’t mind.

For almost two weeks she was laid up in a cot in the medical tent. It was strange, in the years that she had been an army nurse, she had been the one giving care. She had never been the patient. And the patient of her subordinates, no less.

Her closer friends teased her that she was a horrible patient. Their teasing helped ease the residual anxiety and adrenaline from her ordeal. But what had really helped, was Bucky’s constant presence. During meal time and recreation time, he would come to visit her in the medical tent. Steve would drop by as well, but it was mostly Bucky.

As the days passed, Bucky seemed more and more nervous, however. Like he had something to say, just on the tip of his tongue. Sometimes, when he maybe thought she wasn’t looking, she caught him looking guilty. She hoped beyond hope that he didn’t blame himself for what had happened.

“You’re cleared to return to light duty, First Lieutenant,” Second Lieutenant Fredricks said with a smile.

The first few days of light duty were spent organizing and assisting. Then after a week, she was cleared to begin training again. Nurses didn’t necessarily need to do the drills the men did, but it didn’t mean they couldn’t. She also preferred to stay in shape and to keep her skills from going rusty.

Growing up with her brother being bullied, Y/N learned how to defend not only herself but Steve, as well. The elder Rogers sibling didn’t care for her fighting but he did appreciate that in a pinch, she could defend herself.

In the early morning, dressed in a pair of trousers and a simple shirt, Y/N makes her way to the track. A run should be light enough.

She could make out the tall frames of Steve and Bucky amongst the other men getting ready for their morning run. Bucky smiled as she approached.

“Hey, how’s it going? You sure you’re okay to be running?” Bucky brushed his hand over hers when she stopped in front of him. The touch made her stomach flutter but she smiled confidently at him.

“Actually, I’ve never felt better. I’m tired of being cooped up in the med tent for so long.” She bent to tighten her boots’ laces. Bucky shrugged and patted her shoulder, teasingly telling her to not fall behind. She scoffed and took off after the troops in a light jog.

Steve and Bucky kept pace with her, both worrying she might become too tired and collapse. Their hovering and not-so-subtle glances did not go unnoticed by her. Irritation settled quickly in her bones. She wasn’t some fragile flower. Just because something bad happened to her doesn’t mean she going to break at any moment.

Spurred by anger, her legs moved faster on their own accord. Steve glanced at his best friend as they sped up to match. Soon, the three of them were overtaking the other troops. Bucky was breathing heavily as they passed the frontman, now in a full sprint.

“W-wait!” He panted as the two Rogers siblings were now racing down the path. How was she running that fast!? How wasn’t she tired? Her smaller frame broke past Steve, who was now struggling to keep up.

The younger Rogers didn’t even notice the concerned and shocked looks she was receiving. The wind rushing in her ears and the trees blurring in her vision was all she could focus on. She felt like she was flying; her feet barely touching the ground. She felt free.

She burst into the clearing at the end of their running trail, the morning sun warming her wind-chilled skin. The grass kicked up as she skidded to a halt. A laugh erupted from her, her head light with adrenaline and awe. Then reality sunk in.

Bucky and Steve broke through the tree line a few minutes later.

“Y/N!”

She turned to look at them, her brows scrunched together and lips forming a thin line.

“They did this to me…” She murmured, gazing turning down at her clenched fists. She had thought she was feeling so good because she survived Hydra’s torment. How quickly this revelation brought her down. They poked and prodded, injected, and dissected. They had changed her.

“Doll?” Bucky approached her slowly, hands out in front of him. Seeing her lip wobble had his heart shattering in him. Throwing caution to the wind, he wrapped his arms around her. She buried her face in his chest, drowning her sobs in the rough fabric of his shirt. Her brother stood beside them, rubbing his hand over her shoulders.

“I’ve got ya, sweets. I got ya,” Bucky muttered into her hair. “We’re gonna figure this out. It’ll be okay.”

Lord, he hoped he was telling the truth.

<><>

Months went by as she adjusted to her new abilities. After she discovered her inhuman speed, she quickly learned she was inhumanly strong. Not as strong as her brother, but definitely stronger than any other man in the camp.

She began training with the men, easily laying anyone flat during sparring. Even Steve struggled against her. While he surpassed her in strength, she made it up in speed and agility. She had been given the moniker of Lady Liberty once the higher-ups found out.

But despite the usefulness of these abilities. She couldn’t help but feel violated. Every night she woke up in a cold sweat, dreaming of their cold instruments and icy laughter. More than once she ended up in the clearing from months before.

Each time she made it out there, Bucky wasn’t far behind. He held her as he had back then, whispering comforting words and stroking her hair. This night began no differently than the others. They sat in the middle of the clearing, the half-moon illuminated above their heads.

“I’m sorry, Bucky… You don’t have to come out here with me every night.” She sniffled, wiping her tears from her cheeks. She was settled in between his stretched-out legs, her own draped over one of his thighs. He shook his head and sighed.

“I don’t mind, Doll. Really.” Soft lips pressed against her temple. “Unless you tell me to go, I won’t leave your side. I can’t.”

Shining eyes looked up into his baby blues. She had never felt so safe and protected as she did in Bucky’s arms. Even though she could easily kick his butt in a fight, she knew he would fight tooth and nail for her. And she would burn down the world for him.

There was no doubt in her mind as she pressed her lips to his. He sighed against her as he deepened the kiss, pulling her closer by the waist. Everything clicked into place with this kiss. They had been dancing around this thing between them for years, neither willing to take the leap and possibly lose what they already had.

But the feeling of her lips on his, the taste of her on his tongue had him bitterly regretting not doing this sooner. How many kisses could they have had? How many dates and late nights have they missed? He sure had a lot of time to make up.

“I love you, Y/N.” His breath fanned across the skin of her neck as his kiss-swollen lips brushed along it.

“I love you, James.”

<><>

Over the next two years, the Howling Commandos slowly but surely made their way through the Hydra bases. First Lieutenant Rogers led alongside her brother, Captain Rogers. Not only as extra muscle, but as a nurse, and occasionally, spy. Bucky didn’t like the idea of his girl being ogled by slimy nazi men, but she convinced him that no one would expect a woman to be a super soldier.

She would infiltrate their meetings as a piece of eye candy, acquiring information as needed and then arresting the men as she saw fit.

But this particular mission didn’t require revealing dresses or sultry makeup. Rather, she wore a winter coat and combat boot with reinforced soles. The speed that she ran quickly ate through nearly all of her shoes.

The Commandos were all situated on a cliff overlooking another with a set of train tracks. They were waiting on the train carrying Doctor Zola. Glove-covered hands clenched at her side. Doctor Zola. One of the men who had turned her into this. Turned her into a weapon.

Bucky’s heavy hand wrapped around her waist and pulled her to his side. His soft lips brushed against her temple.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he reassured. “We go in, kick some ass, and then get out. Easy.”

She chuckled and pressed a kiss to his waiting lips. The other men had the decency to look away from the couple.

“Alright, lovebirds, let’s get a move on.” Steve’s voice called out from the edge of the cliff.

She scoffed at her brother and kissed her sergeant once more. “See you on the other side, tiger.”

<><>

Things were going south very quickly. Hydra had more gun power than she had thought. A huge man with bigger guns than himself stood in the doorway to their car. His guns glowed blue as they powered up.

Steve shoved both his sister and Bucky behind him, holding up his shield. The blast had her teeth rattling in her skull, her body flying back further than the boys. The impact of her head hitting the metal floor caused stars to dance in her vision.

She could barely comprehend the cold rush of air from the massive hole in the side of the train. And before she could gather herself, the man was priming another shot, pointed directly at her. Shaking legs tried to bare her weight as she scrambled for her gun.

Bucky had gathered himself faster than her or her brother, so she could only watch as he picked up Steve’s shield and fired a few shots at the enemy. A scream ripped from her throat when blue light shot out at her sergeant.

Bucky went flying, the shield in the other direction. Both the Rogers siblings jumped into action. Steve went for the shield, quickly taking out the other man. She leaped for the hole in the wall of the train that Bucky had flown out of.

Her eyes widened with horror as she gazed upon the man she loved, hanging on for dear life to the crumbling handrails.

“Bucky! Hold on!” She reached out to him, trying to find her footing to get to him and pull him to safety. The look in his eyes was one she had never seen on him before. Blue eyes wide with fear, his mouth poised in a silent scream. And as his fingers brushed against hers, tips barely able to curl around each other, he was gone.

His scream was joined by hers. The image of him falling to his death will forever be ingrained in her mind. It’ll be the last thing on her mind as she goes to sleep and the first one when she wakes up. It’ll be there when she fights her way through Hydra soldiers, and as she sends her fist straight into Johann Schmidt’s ugly, red face.

Steve worried about his sister’s mental health since that day. She had retreated into herself. Long gone was the witty and strong woman he knew. His sister, who had always been so bright, had been replaced by someone who only knew how to fight.

She only spoke to give orders or to communicate during battle. Her words were always clipped and to the point; no room for banter or sarcasm. The icy wall she had built around herself was all to conceal the torment her mind tortured her with.

If only she had been stronger, maybe she wouldn’t have been down for so long. If she had been faster, she could have reached him before he fell. If she had been better, maybe he wouldn’t have died. Every moment was filled with these thoughts. Awake or not. It was all she could think about.

Eventually, she became too tired. She fought with everything she had; Bucky at least deserved that. She wouldn’t give up simply because it would mean he died in vain. However, with each new opponent, she could help but wish that this one would be stronger than her.

No opponent was ever stronger than her. Until now.

It wasn’t a person that she now faced her death with. But a plane filled with explosives. Schmidt was gone, as was the Tesseract. Now, she and her brother faced the cracked windows of the plane. She tried to keep her lip from trembling as Steve spoke with Peggy.

Even if she hadn’t gotten her happy ending, she had wished her big brother would have gotten his. Tear-filled eyes opened when she felt a hand come to rest on hers. Steve’s face was solemn as he spoke.

“I’ve gotta put it in the water.” He was half telling Peggy and half asking for permission from his sister. It wasn’t just his life going down for millions of others, but his little sister’s, too. The siblings shared a weighty look before she nodded.

Lady Liberty listened quietly as Captain America spoke with Agent Carter. No.

Y/N listened brokenheartedly as her big brother said his goodbyes to the woman he loved and who loved him in return.

And as Steve redirected the plane to the icy terrain below, she closed her eyes and imagined the warm hands of her love. His blue fire eyes and easy grin. The feel of his lips against hers. The sound of her name on his tongue.

I’m coming, Bucky.

#my writing #grace writes shit #reader insert #request #angst #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #james buchanan barnes #avenger x reader #tw: mental health #tw: self loathing #tw: depression #tw: ptsd

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randomfandomlov3 · 8 months

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Episode of Darkness

Bucky x Fem!reader

Warnings: Depression, Suicidal ideation, breif mention of period, mention of the means. Let me know if I missed any.

Notes: Please be careful in determining whether this might be distressing for you. Your well-being and mental health are the top priority, and it's completely fine if you choose not to read. If you ever feel like no one cares about you, I promise you there is someone. if you can't find anyone let me be that person. i care about all of you.

Word Count ~ 1879

He dialed her number to convince her to come to training. Something about what Steve told him felt off, but Bucky didn’t dwell on it too long. The phone rang three times before she finally picked it up with a sleepy hello. “Doll, Steve told me that you didn’t feel like training today. If you’re not going, then I’m not going, and you don’t want Cap to be mad at both of us. now don’t make me come get you.”

“Okay, I’ll be there.” Her voice had an unusual flatness to it that concerned Bucky. She was always so enthusiastic to train. Maybe she was starting her period, sometimes exercise was annoying around then, but usually Bucky would have been informed so that he could tell Steve to chill with the training those days.

“I love you; I will see you soon, Doll.” Bucky said. As he grabbed anything he might need for training.

“Love you too.” Her response was shorter than usual, and she never left out the I in I love you. Now Bucky was getting even more worried. But his worries were briefly forgotten as he headed down to the training gym.

When he got there, he saw his doll talking to a concerned looking Steve. Was there something going on that he didn’t realize? Had she been hiding something from him? They hadn’t been together that long, but she already knew more about him and his struggles than most people did. Maybe she didn’t feel she could trust him enough, which was fair he didn’t trust himself completely either.

She turned to look at Bucky after she finished talking to Steve, she gave him a smile that didn’t reach her eyes before turning back to listen to the instructions. Every time Bucky looked over at her, he was met with a blank stare on her face. She was usually one of the most passionate people in the compound, especially when it came to training.

As soon as training finished, she was out of there heading back to her bedroom before Bucky even got a chance to speak with her. He worried that he might have upset her by making her come to training today.

“Buck, can I talk to you for a minute?” Steve interrupted Bucky’s thoughts, bringing his eyes away from the door. With a nod Bucky made his way over to his friend. “Did you tell your girl that she had to come to training today?” Steve asked already knowing he had.

“Well, yeah, I guess I told her that if she missed, I would skip, then you would be mad at both of us. Why is there something I don’t know about?” Bucky was getting really concerned now, had he pushed her boundaries. She had never told Steve about something like this without telling him first. Bucky’s mind began to spiral deeper into his thoughts, until Steve spoke up.

“There kind of is. She had told me that she wasn’t up to train today, which over the years I have learned not to question, and it means that she can barely get out of bed, so training feels like trying to climb Mount Everest, without any gear. Nat or I would always check on her after training to see if she needs anything, but the most we could do for her was offer support.” Bucky was even more confused now, she was always so happy, how had he not seen what was going on? Steve took in the expression on Bucky’s face and gave him a minute to process what he just learned about his girlfriend.

Bucky’s mind was racing too fast for him to make much sense of anything. “What does that mean?” Steve understood that Bucky knew but he needed to hear it laid out because he wasn’t believing that his girl might be going through things like this.

“She has depression. We had actually thought she had gotten through it; she hadn’t had an episode before today since you started dating. The medication she is on seemed to be working since her dose got upped to match the serum in her veins.” Bucky knew that she had been injected with the serum once while she was out on a mission, and her partner had turned out to be a hydra spy. “Before she met you the episodes were more common. I don’t know whether she just pushed through them, or you actually made things better for a while.”

Bucky’s heart pounded at the way Steve said a while. What was he trying to say? Did he think that he was no longer good for her? What was going to happen? Did he hinder her progress for the sake of his own?

“She told me that she was not upset that you convinced her to come to training. While understanding her emotions during the episodes is difficult, she wasn’t frustrated by you. Something else told me that if you hadn’t, she was slightly afraid of where her mind would have taken her this time.” Steve tried to say gently, but there was truly no easy way to tell someone that their loved one was struggling.

Bucky’s mind raced as he fully processed the news that Steve had told him. “I had no idea. I should have seen the signs or at least made her feel comfortable in confiding in me.” He clenched his fists at his sides frustrated with himself.

Steve could tell Bucky was going down the rabbit hole of his thoughts. “You can’t blame yourself, Buck. Everyone, including her, thought that she was doing better. I can’t tell you why she didn’t want to tell you, but as you probably know there is a certain fear and shame people often feel about struggling.” Steve rested his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and told him that they should go check on her together.

Inside her room she sat on the edge of the bed. Tears were streaming down her face as she muttered to herself. “You have no right to feel like this. He has been through so much and he doesn’t struggle like this. What right do you have to be depressed, you have a wonderful boyfriend, job, and friends? You’re just a fucking burden.” she growled into the mirror getting increasingly more frustrated with herself. She felt like she was a burden to everyone she knew, and a part of her wondered if they would be better without her. Her heart ached as she thought through her options, and choices she swore she would never make.

A knock on her door pulled her out of her thoughts and she wiped the evidence of tears off of her face. She got rid of all the evidence of crying that she could and opened the door. Seeing Bucky standing there looking concerned hurt her heart, but she tried to plaster a smile on her face. “Hey sweetheart, do you mind if we come in?” Bucky asked softly making her resolve waver. She stepped aside not trusting her voice, to allow the super soldiers into her room. She was used to Steve or Nat showing up during an episode, but not Bucky. That was the last person she wanted to burden.

“You have every right to feel like this. And you shouldn’t compare your journey to anybody else’s. But I also went through a terrible bout of depression when I first escaped hydra.” He had never bared this part of his past to her, but he knew he needed to. “Right after I escaped Hydra’s clutch, before Steve found me, I had considered ending it, I thought the world would be better with out a murderer like me.” Bucky stated causing Steve to tear up.

“I don’t struggle as much with it now, but sometimes my PTSD can still bring back feelings like that. so I never want you to feel like I won’t understand, or that you are a burden to me.” Bucky brushed a hair out of her face. Before cradling it in his hands and rubbing his thumbs on her cheekbones. His eyes burned with unshed tears, seeing his girl in such a negative mindset. His heart ached for her, and he wished he could take away her pain, but he knew the journey to recovery was a long one.

“I can’t-” She choked out, not sure how to explain the places that her mind had taken her today. Her eyes dropped unable to maintain eye contact right now. Luckily, she didn’t have to explain because Bucky caught a glimpse of her nightstand, which held her meds, gun, and her throwing knives. Those were never stored in her room, Bucky assumed for this reason. “I’m sorry.” Her voice sounded even more brittle than before.

Bucky looked over at Steve who stuck around to help provide support in any way he could, but even this was out of his experience with her. “Doll, I promise you things will get better some day, and I will be right by your side the entire time to help you through it.” His mind went to the horrifying future that did have her by his side anymore. “I know what it’s like to feel like a burden, and I want you to know, I choose you. I will always choose you, in every lifetime and dimension, I choose you, Doll.”

That caused the floodgates to open, she couldn’t hold it back anymore. Bucky pulled her into her chest as she sobbed the hardest, she had in front of him at least. She knew that things would get better eventually at least a little bit, they had every other time, but she didn’t want to drag Bucky down with her. She didn’t want to hinder his progress.

As if he could read her mind he soothed, “You help me so much when I am struggling, Doll. Please let me be there for you.” There was a begging tone in his voice, and she got a feeling that he couldn’t lose her. Like how she felt about him.

With a brave action she nodded her head, and allowed Bucky into her vulnerable side. She didn’t feel it was brave, but rather pathetic that she struggled with asking for help. Steve recognized that look in her eyes having seen it often during her episodes. “Asking for and accepting help, especially when you're struggling, is an incredibly difficult but brave and important thing to do. The team is here to help you and you're stuck with us, whether you like it or not.” Steve always tried to bring some humor and joy to her during her episodes.

She tearily laughed, making Bucky smile. “Thank you, both of you.” The storm was far from over, but she knew that she was not alone in this fight. But a part of her was still worried about latching onto Bucky and dragging him down with her.

“Cling to me, let me be your lifeline if nothing else. I want to give you reasons to fight to stay and hold you when you can’t find them.” Bucky said breaking her out of her thoughts. He knew struggles firsthand, but he also knew that it is possible to get to the other side.

A/N - Thank you so much for reading<3 My inbox/dms are open if you need someone to talk to. I love you all and I wish you the best in life.

Divider by @saradika

#bucky x f!reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #tw sui ideation #tw depression #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine

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thewintersoldier111 · 2 months

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(Sad warning) This story is about Fem!reader self harming, and Bucky finding out. (Trigger warning! Blood, wounds, and cussing!) There might be some misspelling, but not everything is perfect. You all are amazing! Love you all! 💕

Your brother Bucky is the best brother ever. No doubt about it. He's kind, sweet, caring, and even though he's not that way towards others that much, when it comes to you, his sister, he's a complete softy around you.

But last night you both had a major argument. The biggest argument in a while, and you actually were really scared of him. The way he yelled, raised his voice and stepped in front of you, towering over you. It was fucking terrifying.

You knew Buck would never hurt you. Hell, even lay a single finger on you. But you couldn't help but feel afraid, knowing all too well that Bucky could lift you up with his bare hand and throw you across the room.

You both were just having a normal argument that night, just back talking to each other and saying rude things. But it quickly got worse when you said, "Yeah, and no one likes you because your a fucking killer and you dont want to admit that fact." Bucky instantly went quiet, and that's when he started yelling at you, telling you that you were a horrible person and sister, that he wished you dead.

Why the hell would he say such a thing? Maybe because you have said that to him a few times before? Who knows. But the way he said it to you like he was dead serious made something trigger something deep in you.

You went to bed that night, the air filled with tension, even though you guys were both in your own rooms across from each other in the Stark Tower.

You closed the door and locked it, making sure to lock it quietly for Buck not to hear. You knew Bucky wasn't going to come to your door after the heated argument, but you locked the door just in case anyway. You took in a shaky breath, his words echoing in your head.

*"Yeah mother fucker! I wish you fucking dead!"* Just those words made your heart pound and tears run down your face.

You looked up, looking to your right at the dresser that held the blade in the bottom drawer under some socks. You stared at the drawer, contemplating whether to grab the blade or just forget it and go to bed and sleep your worries away.

You weren't going to do that though. Tonight was just too much, and you knew that you had to do something about these worries and wash them away. You slowly walked to your drawer and crouched down.

You reached your hand out, gripping the drawer handle and opening it. As you did, pairs of socks, underwear, and a few bras. You reached in and grabbed the pair of socks and there it was. Your blade.

You stared at it, your eyes never leaving it. You swallowed thickly and grab it gently, the corner almost cutting your finger just by the smallest touch. The blade glimmered in the moonlight that shined through the window in your room.

You stood up and held it in your hand. You walked over to your bed and sat down on the edge. You sighed, trying to think if you should do this again. You do this almost daily, cutting yourself when you have the time to.

You closed you eyes, taking a deep breath in to calm your racing heart. You exhaled out slowly and then opened your eyes. You looked down and then started to roll up your pant leg of your baggy pants that were black.

As you did so, tones of scars and fresh cuts that you did yesterday were littered all over your thigh. It was something you felt calm over. Hurting yourself made all the pain and worries fade. You found it satisfying to look at the cuts and scars. You looked at the blade in your hand once more, getting a good look at it, almost like you were making sure it was really there in your hand, or that it wouldn't fade away.

You then slowly but surely put the blade to your thigh, pressing the sharp tip to your skin, feeling the cool metal almost threaten to poke through the skin. You then took a deep breath in, pressed down and swiped your skin quickly.

Your breath hitched, and you didn't even dare look at the cut for a moment, knowing that the cut was really deep, just by how it started to slightly burn and sting. Your hands trembled, but felt your mind slowly becoming numb. You then after a few seconds looked, and your eyes wided as you looked at the deep cut on your thigh.

It was deeper than the rest you have done in a while. You watched the blood quickly start dripping down the side of your thigh and into the wooden floor. *"Thank God we have wood floors and not carpet"* You thought in your head.

You hesitate, wondering if you should cut yourself again or call it a night. You thought deeply, but did it anyway. You pressed the blade to your thigh, and once again, dragged the blade against your skin quickly. Your heart raced and you looked at the two deep wounds you created, and you knew it was going to be a pain in the ass to patch up due to how much it was bleeding.

You shakily sat the blade down on the bedside table and then just watched the blood drip onto the floor, making little, *"tap,.. tap,.. tap"* sounds against the floor. You knew you shouldn't bleed out too much, but the words Bucky said to you still dance in your head, spurring you on to bleed out more than you really should.

After about three minutes, the blood started to stop dripping, only dripping slowly. A pool of blood was on the floor below your thigh. You felt off now, your head more light than it should be. It felt as though you were in the clouds. Like you were on a drug.

"Y/n... Can we talk?" Bucky says through the bedroom door, and your heart completely sinks right to the pit of your stomach. You could have sworn you almost threw up, that's how scared and nervous you just got. You didn't know what to do.

You were almost panicking. Your heartbeat increased and your head spun slightly. You quickly pulled down your pant leg, the cuts instantly stinging. You almost hissed out loud, but held it back. You were basically panicking, and you took a deep breath in... and out. You didn't know how to think or what to do.

You ran a hand through your hair. "Y/n?... I can hear you. Open up,... Please" Bucky says, softer this time. He could sense something was wrong, and he didn't know what it was. But he could tell that just by the way he heard your heavy breathing that you tried to put under control... And a strange smell he couldn't quite put together. He knew he needed to know if you were okay.

You swallowed thickly, your saliva coating your dry mouth. You took in a deep breath and slowly walked towards the door, making sure not to make your wounds worse. You hesitated to open the door, nervous to even look at Bucky.

You knew you couldn't wait any longer, knowing well enough that Bucky hated when he didn't get an answer from anyone. You then put your hand to the doorknob, unlocking it slowly, trying your best to be quiet while you do it. You then sighed heavily and opened the door. Bucky stood there, in his usual sweat pants and no shirt since it was bedtime.

His instant words caught you off guard. "Why was the door locked" He said in a worried yet stern tone that sent a chill down your spine. Fuck, what were you going to do? You stood there pale in the face, breath ragged. What were you going to say or do? You were so bad at making up stuff that you knew he would notice you lying.

"I-... I just-... I didn't want to be disturbed tonight is all" you say with a shaky breath, you heart racing faster than it was just a minute ago before you opened the door.

Bucky stood staring at you, but to your luck, he took a step back, looking you up and down from head to toe, and his heart sank. He stared at your hands, your hands bloody and shaky. His breath hitched as he saw the big blood spot on your thigh, your blood soaking through, and he quickly grabbed your arm, his grip firm yet gentle.

"What did you do?..." He says quickly, his heart pounding faster and faster. You stared up at him, not knowing what to do or even say in that moment. "It's nothing-" You say, but get cut off. "Don't you dare lie to me. What the fuck did you-" Bucky looks up, into your room and he feels sick almost instantly.

His eyes went wide as he stared at the pool of blood on the floor, and then at the blade on your bed, and he knew this was his fault. It was all his fault. He did this to you and he didn't know what to do. You stared at him, your eyes watering with tears. "Buck-" You get cut off again. "No... No, no, no" He says and shakes his head. He lets out a breath, a tear rolling down his face. He grips your arm a little more and quickly leads you to the bathroom.

You stayed silent as he did so. He picks you up as you reach the bathroom and sets you on the sink. He doesn't say anything as he quickly crouches and gets a first aid kit underneath the sink. He pulls it out and sits at your side on the sink. He opens it up and looks at you. "Y/n..." He says, his eyes full of worry, fear, sadness, and tears.

"Pull down your pants" He says gently, another tear going down his face as he speaks, his voice wavering.

"Bucky... I-... Please, I don't want you to see..." You say, scared and full of worry.

"Listen to me," Bucky starts sternly and full of worry. "Take your pants off. I don't give a fuck about anything else. Just-..." He lets out a small sob. "Pl-please... Just-" He couldn't even finish his sentence as he felt himself about to break down, his heart almost shattering.

You let out a small sob as well, sniffling as you both cry. You don't hesitate and simply take your pants off, putting them down to your knees. Bucky looks at the cuts and his eyes go wide at the deep wounds on your left thigh, and the scars littering your thighs. His stomach starts to feel upset, almost on the verge of puking.

The cuts are still bleeding, but not as bad as they once were. Bucky grabs the toilet paper and grabs some of it. He puts it to your wounds, making you hiss at the contact. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" Bucky says under his breath and wipes off the dry blood a bit. He then puts the bloody toilet paper in the toilet, flushing it and then grabs gauze pads and puts it on the cuts.

He grabs a big bandage and starts to bandage your leg up, careful not to hurt your wounds. You watch him, his shaky hands working on you, and you almost feel like you were drowning in guilt from how this affected Bucky.

You didn't know Bucky was going to come to your bedroom door just minutes ago. And if you did, you would have never done this at all.

Bucky then looks at his work, seeing you all patched up making him feel just the slightest bit better. But of course, he wasn't feeling better though. He was far from that. He knew this was his fault, and he will never forgive himself for it either. He stares at the bandage over your wounds for longer then he should.

He soon looks into your eyes, not caring to put the stuff back into the first aid. He looks deep into your eyes, his eyes full of tears, sadness, and pure guilt. You stare back into his eyes, and you let out a small sob. He sniffles and cups your face, making you look at him, his forehead leaning against your's.

"I'm so- so fucking sorry... " Bucky says through tears. "I never meant it... I- I never meant it... I-..i don't want you-..." He sobs and leans his head against your shoulder, wrapping his arms around you. "I don't want you gone... You-... You mean so much to me... Please don't go... Please don't" Bucky says as he sobs against your shoulder.

You sob and clutch onto him tightly, your body shaking with each sob that racks your body. Hot tears run down your cheeks.

"Im-im sorry... " You say sobbing against Buck's shoulder. "I thought it was for the better- and..." You say, but Bucky pulls back, looking into your eyes.

"Don't say that," Bucky says through a sniffle. "Don't you dare think- think that you deserve this,... that it's for the better..." He says and leans forward, kissing your forehead gently, his lips lingering there while you shake with sobs. "I love you so much... I fucking love you, you hear me?" He says as he lets out a sniffle. "You're my damn sister... I love you so much. More than anyone an' anything in this world" Bucky says while kissing your forehead again.

You whimper slightly as you sob, and you nod your head and babble, "I love you too" Your words send a warmth in Buck's chest, even though this moment is downright depressing. Bucky holds you closer than he has ever before, and slightly rocks you both while you both let out small sobs here and there.

After around twenty minutes, your eyes started to grow heavy, your eyes puffy and light pink from crying so much. Buck continues to hold you anyway, practically scared to let you go and let you go back to your room.

He doesn't let you though. "Come here" He whispers softly, picking you up carefully and slowly walking to his room with you in his arms. As you both reach his room, he closes the door behind him with a gentle 'Click' with his foot and walks over to his bed. He lays you down gently and softly.

He leans down and gets in bed slowly. As he does, he covers you both up and pulls you against his chest, your breath warm against his chest. He sighs shakily, a warm tear falling from his eye while he holds you close. As he does, he closes his eyes, and promises himself that from this day forward, he's going to take care and keep you safe no matter what the cost is.

----

This is so sad 😭 But I love it so much.

#bucky barnes #mcu #x reader #sebastian stan #sad thoughts #sad bucky #story #depressing shit

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actuallybarb · 2 years

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Glow in the Dark

bucky barnes x gn!reader

a/n: this is just something i wrote really quick cuz i needed a mental hug from one of my faves <3 hopefully someone else finds comfort in it too

warnings: depression, established relationship, suicidal thoughts —nothing explicit is said or talked about, but if you’re worried about it then pls don’t read, take care of yourself first bb

word count: 350-ish

“Wanting to die is really shitty.”

The words came out muffled as you tucked yourself deeper under the covers. Bucky was still brushing his teeth in the bathroom connected to your room, but his super soldier hearing made your voice loud and clear.

He set his toothbrush down and flicked off the light, then gently joined you on the bed.

“Definitely not my favorite pastime.”

You let go of some of the duvet so he could join you in your cocoon. He looked blurry due to your lack of glasses, but there was no mistaking the ice blue eyes looking back at you fondly.

“I swear, you’re like a cat, even your eyes glow in the dark.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said with a smile. He nudged his knee against yours. “How can I help?”

You sighed through your nose. “Just hold me.”

He happily obliged. You leaned into him, and he wrapped both of his arms around you, readjusting so you laid on his chest instead of your side. His heartbeat helped calm your nerves, but a weight still pressed on your lungs — one you knew wasn’t going away any time soon.

A few minutes of silence passed, filled only with the sound of his hand gently rubbing up and down your back, his callouses catching on the cotton t-shirt you wore.

“We’ll go for a walk when we wake up,” he said, breaking the silence. “No alarms, just wake up when we want. We’ll go for a walk to the cafe across the park, get some food in us. Then we’ll come back and watch some Master Chef. Maybe take a nap. Then we’ll invite Sam—“ you squirmed slightly, “—okay, no Sam. But we’ll do dinner, either I cook or we order out, and we’ll watch a movie. Or two. The night might be young, you never know.” He pressed a kiss to your head. “Sound good?”

You pressed yourself into the hollow between his neck and shoulder. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” He squeezed you gently, using his arms to help ground you, then his hands kept up their ministrations on your back. “You’re gonna be okay. Promise.”

And maybe your brain didn’t agree. But who were you to argue with him?

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x gn!reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes drabble #bucky #bucky x reader #bucky x gn!reader #bucky fluff #bucky barnes fluff #marvel #mcu #short and sweet #tw: depression #tw: sucidal ideation

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theladybarnes · 10 months

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INEVITABILITY: CHAPTER THREE

“In time, you will know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right. Yet to fail all the same. Dread it. Run from it. Destiny still arrives.”

▸ summary: nothing could prepare you for what would happen next ▸ characters: bucky barnes ft. the avengers ▸ word count: 3.2k ▸ warnings: angst, canon dialogue, :( ▸ series masterlist

Nothing could have ever prepared you for the physical toll that this fight would have on you.

Even now, running down the field, alongside your friends, you couldn’t help but gasp for air as you rushed into battle. From the sides of your eyes, you witnessed as the toughest of the border tribes went down, the dora splitting apart to help each other, and even Bucky struggling within the fight. The sounds of battle cries and snarls were almost too loud for you to focus.

From your position you could tell Bucky was distracted while fighting, keeping an eye on you while holding down the defense line. Guilt built up in your stomach, but there was no time to dwell on that. All you could do was guard his back, aiming your repulsors at any creature that tried to get him from behind.

There was a moment where you’re both forced back to back. Weapons kept up as you shot at all the creatures that surrounded you both. “Bucky, we gotta regroup!” you yelled, holding your hands out to shoot at an upcoming pair. The shot hits right on the target and you’re able to shoot a beam between the two of them, causing them to fall down to the ground with a gargle.

You’re pushed over suddenly, rolling on the ground to see that Bucky has been tackled.

A creature managed to swipe away his gun, putting Bucky down beneath it. He was forced to attack back with a knife to keep the monster at bay. Switching to your sonic pulse, you send a shot towards them, causing the creature to fall back in a pained cry. Bucky used that to his advantage, grabbing his knife and lodging it in the neck of the creature.

Rushing over, you reach down to offer Bucky a hand when your body slammed next. Rolling down the dirt as a sharp pair of teeth tried to nip at you. There was a pain that ached all over you, but you ignored it to keep the strength into your limbs. Using your legs to keep the creature back and the back of your repulsors to keep the thing from swiping at your face.

One of its extra pairs of hands began to scratch at your chest, almost getting through the thick kevlar that was used for the tactical gear. You only had a couple of more swipes before your body was sure to give out.

“NO!” yelled Bucky as he clambered up from the ground. You saw from the side of your eye as he picked up the gun, trying to find the right shot. But the creature was rabid, moving the both of you all over as it tried to get its teeth in you.

“Just shoot!” you yelled, feeling a claw pierce through on your arm.

“You’re both moving too much! I can’t get a shot!”

A shadow cast over the land and you barely had a chance to glance up before it rained bullets over you. The monster was angled just right enough that all the hits landed against his back. With its movements stopped, Bucky took his shot and sent the bullet right through its face.

The monster slumped forward and you used the last bit of strength in your legs to kick it off you. Bucky reached over to pull you up from the ground, checking your face momentarily before his eyes cast up towards the sky. “Thanks, Sam.” he said in his comms piece.

“You guys better get ready, another horde is coming your way.” Was all that he replied.

The two of you ready yourself again, taking aim for the approaching monsters. You could feel your heartbeat in your throat, wondering just how long any one of you guys can handle these things.

But just when you’re about to brace for the rush of monsters, a bright, beautiful, light of colors slammed down into the earth. Out of the beams of color was an ax, shooting through the battlefield and taking down a large chunk of monsters. Surrounding it was lightning.

“What the hell was that?” Bucky asked, looking astonished at the take down.

Emerging from the beams was none other than Raccoon, a tree-like creature, and Thor.

In your comms you can hear as Bruce rejoiced at the sight. “Holy shit, there is a God!” you gasped, reaching for Bucky’s hand. He looked down at you questionably before gripping back.

“What does that mean?”

“It means we might have a fighting chance, Bucky.” Tugging at him, you point over to the direction Thor was in. Watching as he cast a thunderous attack that swiped out another chunk of the hordes coming through. It was a bit down the field, but now you had an idea of where the two of you would go next. “And it’s with him. C’mon on!”

The arrival of your dear friend sparked a new hope amongst the fighters on the field. You were able to work better in tandem with Bucky, giving him a little less to worry about. It isn’t until you were nearing Steve that you noticed that you were by yourself. Turning around, you frown at the sight of Bucky barely coming up. He had been behind you just a moment ago, how on Earth did he get left-

WAS THAT THE RACCOON WITH A GUN IN ITS HANDS?

“Come and get some space dogs!” Yelled the small creature. The gun in his hands expertly hit each and every one of his targets. Bucky looked down at him shocked before he noticed something behind you. “DUCK!” he yelled out.

You dropped down to your knees, peeking up in time to see Bucky grab hold of the Raccoon and use the advantage of his shooting to cover one side while he used his gun to take care of the others.

“COME ON! GET SOME!” The raccoon yelled, encouraged by the fighting technique.

Around you multiple creatures began to drop to the ground. Some even right behind you that you hadn’t noticed yet. Once the shooting ceased, you quickly got up from the ground, making your way over to the two.

“How much for the gun?” he called out to Bucky.

“Not for sale.”

“Okay. How much for the arm?”

You couldn’t help but let out a laugh. Unsure if you heard him right. The raccoon stared up at you, giving a small chuckle before back to Bucky. All he did was simply stare down at the little guy with an incredulous look. Not sure himself if what was happening was real or not.

“Come on.” he urged, reaching for your hand as he led you two off. You took a glance over at your shoulder waving off to the creature before turning back to run off with Bucky. He had a frown over his face and you couldn’t help but laugh again.

“Did that really just happen?” you asked, watching as Bucky only frowned harder.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Did he ask for your arm?”

“Darlin’, please.”

“You should consider it.”

He stopped running to look at you with a shocked expression. “You mean to tell me you want me to give my arm to the talking Raccoon while we’re in the middle of a battle?” You stood a bit, trying to remember that while the insane moment happened, you guys were still in imminent danger. And yet..

“Well, I kinda wanna see what he does with it..”

“Baby..” he gaped. But before he could say anything else, a monster suddenly sprung up behind him. Holding your hand up, you quickly shoot a repulsor blast over at the head, hitting directly between the eyes. The body slowly slumped to the ground and Bucky stepped back to look at the job you had done.

“Thanks.” he smirked slightly, somewhat proud in way.

“You’re welcome.” you glanced back towards the others and saw how close you were to getting everyone together again. “C’mon let’s go get Steve and Thor.”

“Which way are they?”

“At your twelve. They’re talking to that tree.”

“..What the hell?”

The tiredness and fatigue began to sweep over you the closer you got towards the main hub of the battle. The monsters were more clustered, more vicious. And no matter how hard you tried to get to your other friends. You and Bucky would be pulled off, forced to defend yourselves from another group attack.

The ground suddenly began to shake, and you turned towards the end of the dome to see that the enemy army had sent underground machines to burst in on the field during the fight. There was no way anyone could stop all of those.

An attempt came from Sam and Rhodey from the skies, but not even Stark level missiles and ammo could take this tank of a machine down.

But just as the thought to fall back came into mind, a bright red spark shot across the field. Wanda seemed to come down from the tower and joined the fight. In a matter of seconds, she used her powers to stop the machines in place and shoot them across hordes of enemy soldiers.

“Oh these assholes are in for it now!” you yelled, happy to see one of the strongest members of the team, if not strongest, finally able to come in and tear them to pieces.

“Guys, we got a Vision situation here.” Sam called out into comms. You looked back towards the tower, noticing a disturbance in the trees surrounding the side of the building.

“Somebody get to Vision!” yelled Steve afterwards.

“I got him.” Bruce replied, shooting off into the sky. You watched towards the line of direction that Bruce was heading in.

“Come on,” Bucky said, running towards the treeline. “They’re gonna need backup.”

“FRIDAY, turn on the locator for the Hulkbuster.”

“Sending coordinates for the Mark XLIV now.”

You glanced down to your phone and watched as the red dot began to glow in the right direction. Letting Bucky lead the way, you ran closely behind him, calling out which way to go when suddenly the dot shot clear out of the area.

“Bruce, come in! Where is your location?” you asked, panting as you tried to shoot and run at the same time. Too many of the creatures were gaining in behind you guys.

“I’ve been dragged off. Guys, Vision needs back up, now!”

The two of you barely entered the woods when you heard the sounds of yelling. “Bucky and I are in, heading to Vision now.” you said into your ear piece. Bucky listened closely for the direction of noise before pointing out the way.

“On my way, meet you guys there.” Steve chimed in.

As long as you guys managed to get Vision out, then that meant you still had a fighting chance.

You’d stop Thanos, kill this stupid army and find a way to bring Tony home. There was hope. There was a way. All you guys had to do was-

“LOOK OUT!”

One of the creatures collided hard with your body, sending the two of you off course and into the trees. The two of you rolled over the grass floor, hitting the long legs of the three trunks and bushes with every roll. The monster felt nothing of what was hitting him as he dug his long sharp claws into the side of your legs, trying to pull through the tactical gear and tear you apart. With its extra two limbs, it managed to hold down your arms, squeezing at the hands so hard that you can feel the repulsor weaken.

“Bucky!” you screamed, trying to kick yourself back. But just when you were about to kick free, the monster sank its sharp teeth into your shoulder. Causing you to cry out in pain. The two of you are so trapped in the fight that neither you or the creature seemed to notice that you reached the edge of the cliff.

The last thing you see before you emerge in the water is the sight of Bucky jumping off the cliff after you.

“Wake up, baby. Please.”

There was fast pressure against your chest. Building up the feeling of nausea that physically felt was being pushed upwards. The pressure eventually built up hard enough against your diaphragm that it finally caused the water to flow up. Making you sit up instantly and spew out the water out from your mouth.

At the relief of water from your lungs, you’re able to gasp in a big gulp of air.

“Thank God.” Bucky cried out, hands wrapped around you.

Slowly, you wiped the water away from your face, blinking a couple of times to adjust to your surroundings. The first thing you see just beside you is the mutilated face of the creature that had dragged you down into the water.

You let out a scream, trying to scoot away from it before Bucky shushed you. Holding you gently against his body. “It’s dead..I made sure of it.”

Glancing up you caught sight of the worried look on Bucky’s face and instantly reached out to cup at his cheek. His eyes slipped close for a second before opening again. “I thought I lost you.” he said softly.

“I’m still here.” you said trying to get up. But the sudden pain blazed through your arms and legs and you couldn’t help but cry out. Looking down, you saw the actual damage against your body. There was blood seeping out from your legs and your shoulder had been bit into enough that the kevlar covering your skin had been torn off. Leaving a good window of the bite mark that was oozing.

In the distance you could hear the sounds of everyone still fighting. How long have you been out? Where was Vision? Where was everyone?

“We have to get you out of here.” he said softly. He attempted to lift you up from the ground but the pain quickly returned to your body, causing another cry to come from your lips. He panicked and shushed you, gently falling back into the position until the pain stopped.

You can’t help but shake your head, knowing what has to happen now. You just weren’t sure you’d be able to actually convince him. But right when you open your mouth to speak, he quickly leaned in to press a soft kiss to your lips.

“Don’t ask me to do it.” he whispered.

“You have to go.”

“I can’t just leave you.” he said, shaking his head. “You have to let me help you.”

You brought a hand up to gently cup around the side of his face. A rumble in the distance paused the conversation. A blue light shined brightly from within the trees. Something in your gut telling you that this was the final moments of the game.

“It can’t be me over the earth. You have to help them. I won’t forgive you if you stay.”

He pressed his forehead against yours, looking almost in pain from the words you just spoke. For a moment it’s silence from Bucky before he lets out a frustrated cry. Placing you to lie down on the ground, he reached down towards the hem of your top, pulling up the suit until he reached the soft clothing of your shirt inside.

Tearing off two long strips, he tied around the larger cuts around your legs before he helped drag you away from the body of the monster, closer towards the cliff where you could lean against the lifted ground.

“I’ll come back for you.” he promised.

The words oddly felt like an eerie dream coming to memory. Trees, claw marks, and his voice. Why did that sound so familiar? You pushed away the thought, nodding your head at Bucky before you reached out for his hand.

The two of you share one long look before Bucky sprung forward to kiss you again. You held onto him tightly, fearing that it might be the last time you get to. Just when you were about to urge him to go again, he suddenly pulled away to look down at you. With only such an intensity that you’ve seen once before. Back in Siberia..

“I love you.” he said softly.

There’s no hesitation when you replied back, feeling the words ready on your lips after all these months. “I love you too. I’ve always loved you.”

He reached out to your face, gently brushing away a tear you weren’t even aware came out. “I’m coming back. As soon as I can.” Pulling back, he finally made his way over to the cliff, watching you one last time before he began to quickly climb up. Using his super soldier speed to help get him over the top again.

Left alone, you checked over your body once more. The blood seemed to be stopping at your thighs but the pain in your shoulder only seemed to get worse. Pressing your fingers against your ear, you attempt to make an emergency call for FRIDAY but are shocked to feel nothing.

The fight with the monster must have caused it to fall out in the water. Looking at your hands, you’re even more distressed to see that your right glove is off, leaving you with a cracked glove. At least you had something to defend yourself.

But how long could you hold off for? How much blood have you lost? The pain was still burning inside your skin and the ease of just sleeping away the pain was creeping in. To your right you could hear the sounds of nature. It was calm and soothing. Like it was trying to ease you. There’s a guttural croaking sound that cuts through the white noise.

A brightly green frog jumped out from the water. Hopping towards the bushes. There’s suddenly a hard gust of wind and the sound of rumbling in the distance. Was that a good sign? Did they manage to win? Glancing up you try and see if Bucky or anyone was at the top. But there was nothing.

Another shift happened around you, making it feel like the air was being sucked out of your body before it gained back to being controlled. You look around the area. Nothing seemed out of place. It’s not until the sound of croaking cuts in again that you feel something is wrong.

Turning to look back out the water, you’re shocked to see another green frog jump out from the water. Going in the same path the one did before..That couldn’t be right. You try to feel around your leg, seeing if there was any phone or device at all on you, but your hand immediately feels the wetness of blood that had seeped out of your wounds.

There's the sound of cries in the air. Various names being called out. But the voices sounded in pain. Why were they crying like that? Glancing up in the air, you notice a gust of wind pick up something dark. Leaves? Ashes? Dust?

Did we just lose?

A sob filled up in your throat. Why did a part of you feel like it’s been suddenly ripped away? The sky loomed above you, seeming to follow with your emotions as it began to grow overcast. Setting you in a darkness that had you shivering. Or was that from the amount of blood lost?

Fading. You’re fading away now. All alone. With only the sound being the forest taunting you as you finally drift away into a heavy sleep.

A/N: It's absolutely insane that I'm only a movie/tv show away from finishing this storyline. I've worked on these characters for so long and this is the first time I've had the endgame couple say they love each other. only for buck to get blipped. 😩 see y'all soon with the next installment.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x fem reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fanfiction #iv #literally gotta go be depressed for writing out the next movie

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kiritella · 2 years

Text

Love me...

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Words: 3.8k

Warnings: mentions and descriptions of depression. Hints but no actual mention of self harm.

A.N: This one was actually very personal for me. I go through things like this periodically, and I just need some Bucky sometimes. I am not trying to describe all depression, as everyone is different, but this is just something that I go through...

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The fork scraped against the plate as Y.n poked at her food. There is something about the way silence can be your saving grace, but at the same time, if left in it, one can easily go mad. It could be your home, or a complete mess. The way Y.n knew she was in trouble was because of this. Her head was getting to be an uneasy place to be when the world wasn’t awake. Thank the heavens that morning was slipping through the cracks of the curtains. It was coming again. The ache was currently soft, easily mistaken for the burn in your lungs when you hold your breath for a few seconds too long. It blended in with the move of her muscles, or the pressure when she flicked her finger. The only thing that set it apart from the rest of the casual pains of existence was its familiarity and persistence. This pain wasn’t like a prick of the finger or the stub of the toe, it was a hollowing pressure. It was as if her ribs were slowly getting smaller and smothering everything they caged. They had only shrunk slightly this morning, but Y.n noticed.

The soft padding of feet made her smile despite this. They were once imperceptible, but with time, those feet had gotten heavier with easement of their owner’s heart. Bucky walked around the corner of the kitchen in just some old sweat pants and a messy hairdo, yawning with the back of his hand trying to cover it. Y.n watched from over her cup as she took a sip, steam brushing up against her cheeks. He shuffled over to her, dipping down to kiss the top of her head. She smiled.

“Good morning, Sunshine…” he said. Then, he turned and grabbed his mug from beside the coffee pot, filling it up as he noted the full breakfast cooked and ready in a pan, keeping warm on the stove. “You were up early.”

Y.n hummed, pushing her berries to the side of the plate as she thought of the nickname Bucky had given her. “Woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep…” she said. “But you were quite the sight to watch this morning.”

Bucky laughed softly and gave her an unbelieving look. “With what I saw in the mirror earlier, I doubt that.”

“I said quite the sight, I didn’t say what kind of sight it was…” she said teasingly.

Bucky gasped playfully, scooping his breakfast from the pan and onto a plate. “That’s cruel.”

“Don’t worry, I still love ya.”

He hummed a ha sound and sat in the seat beside hers. Taking a sip of coffee, he noted her plate as she pushed her toast around with her fork. He nudged her arm. “Not eating?” he asked. A worried crease formed between his brows, but Y.n shook her head.

“Nah, I’m gonna eat,” she said, but looked up from where she was staring at the grains in the red plate. The window was now filtering beautiful golden rays into the dining room. It gave the place an ethereal glow. The fire in the living room kept the cold mountain air away from the inside of the log cabin. Their little sanctuary. That beauty and heat took too long to warm her skin.

Y.n leaned her head against Bucky’s shoulder. “...I think today is a bit cloudy today,” she said after another minute of silence. The words made the cabin seem colder.

Bucky glanced out the window before he paused. From her position, she was blind to his lips dipping into a soft frown. He nodded, lifting the arm she was leaning against and wrapping it around her shoulders. He pressed a lingering kiss to the top of her head. “Okay, baby girl,” he said in a voice much quieter than in their previous conversation.

It was coming. What “it” was, Y.n didn’t know how to define exactly. Neither did she know when they started to use weather patterns as a way to explain her mental state. What she did know, was that even having recovered from the darkest, most lingering parts of her depression, there were still periodic times when those feelings came back full swing. Once every few months, an “episode” would hit and she would sink into the darkest places in her mind. They never lasted and usually were over in no more than a week, but in that week, she was reminded of everything she was desperate to forget. And one was coming. There was a storm brewing in her chest and in her mind. She needed to close the shutters for the windows and barricade the door, locking her and Bucky inside until it passed.

Knowing the signs of the episode was bittersweet. Knowing helped her keep logic intact when they hit, but there was still the impending doom of their arrival. It’d start with some doubts. Her anxiety would spike to the point she wouldn’t want to leave the house. She couldn’t because that would take energy. Energy she could feel slowly draining even now as she forced another bite of food in her mouth that she wasn’t hungry enough to eat. Bucky’s arm released her as she sat up from his shoulder, but it found a new home on her thigh. Constant and firm. When breakfast was finished, and the sun was risen enough to see the wonders of their isolated place in the universe, Bucky convinced Y.n to keep him company while he worked. She sat on the ground at Bucky’s feet while he fiddled under his truck, soaking in the sunlight. She liked the sun, despite having never been a fan of summer. Bucky kept her distracted, having her hand him tools or talk about anything or nothing at all. He knew her well, and at this point, she supposed they had set a routine. Fresh air, sunlight, and movement. The three things that helped to keep Y.n from lingering in the darkness of her mind for too long. Thankfully, the weather there on the mountain stayed on the best side of cold, and their little place had enough to keep their hands busy. She needed busy to keep her mind occupied.

So, she helped Bucky fix his car, and from there they fixed the leak in the bathroom sink. And the next day Bucky helped her rearrange the cabinets in the kitchen and mop the entirety of the house. It didn’t matter that Y.n had wiped the counters down three times, or spent over an hour cleaning the grease out of one of Bucky’s jeans, or that she had readjusted the same picture five times to get it straight. There was nothing said the next day about the way she rewashed all the clean plates and bowls, remade the already made bed, or when she ironed Bucky’s shirts despite living in the midst of nowhere and with nowhere to go. Nothing needed to be said about it, but they talked of everything else. Steadily though, as her mind became a nightmare, and her ribs shrank until her heart could barely beat, even the conversation began to dwindle.

Bucky was patient. He reminded her of the good things she had so she would have something to fight for and focus on. He made sure she ate, drank, and got out of bed. The last one was getting harder to convince her of, though, and on the morning of the third day, he wasn’t sure he was going to be successful until noon.

“Baby…” he whispered, sitting beside Y.n on the bed where she was trying to hide beneath the covers. He wasn’t condescending as he took a heavy breath and tugged the blanket down so he could see her face. She was lost in the midst of empty space, her gaze set at the curtain closed window, but it was as if she was seeing far beyond it. She looked away from it and up to his eyes, smiling weakly. It was a complicated thing to keep logic intact when going through an episode. Y.n knew exactly what her overreactions were, that all the voices in her head were being irrational, and that she was deserving of love. She knew logically, but damn, emotionally she was broken. Her mind and heart were a paradox. How do you heal something like that?

“G’morning,” she whispered back.

“Good morning,” he said. “I’ve got food on the stove for ya…”

Y.n hummed, but her lips sank into a frown. “But it’s so warm in here!” she countered cheerfully.

“I’ve got a fire going in the living room…”

“And snugly…”

“There’s your mess of blankets and pillows on the couch from last night…”

“…” she thought a moment. “It’s…My legs are broken.”

Bucky chuckled at that. “Oh! Well, you should have started with that one!” He grabbed the blankets and ripped them off her. She squealed, trying to grip them as the cold air brushed up on her bare stomach and legs. Bucky quickly but gently grabbed her legs and began poking them.

“What—” she started but gasped as Bucky began gripping her legs and knees just the right way that tickled them. “No!”

Bucky continued his assault until she had succumbed to laughter.

“What is it baby?” he teased. “It looks like your legs are just fine!”

“B-b-bucky!” she squealed, but Bucky dipped and began planting kisses along her knees and his beard scraped along her skin. She calmed down as he stopped tickling her, and her eyes softened when Bucky’s peered up at her from his place between her legs. He leaned forward over her body, his hand slipping to her hip, resting his other one on his elbow beside her head. A smile peeked on his lips as they descended to her forehead, down over her eyes, and then finally caressing her lips. He kissed her softly, and then again to tell her it would be okay, and with one more he convinced her that she could find the strength to get up. When he pulled away from her lips, she sat up with him and pulled them back. With one more, her chest make room for her to breathe.

“Okay…” she whispered.

He nodded, squeezing her hand. “Okay.”

With that, Bucky handed her a shirt that was lying on the small stack on the bedside. She was grateful as she pulled it over her and it covered her belly loosely, hiding the things mind was screaming too loudly about. Buck then took her arms and pulled them over his shoulders, so her chest met his back. It took a moment, but when she got it, she smiled, laughing, and wrapping her legs around his waist. Bucky lifted them up and hulled her on a piggyback ride to the dining room.

“You’ve got some strong legs for someone who says they are broken.”

“Probably because you’ve taken me against the wall so many times…or the fact that you like to be ridd—”

“Okay, okay, missy,” he said, a pink tint rushing up his neck. Y.n kissed the spot under his ear and he shivered, shaking his head as the hair on his neck stood on end. “Babygirl…”

She hummed as he let her down off his back. There was a grey nature to the room as clouds blocked most of the sunlight from the earth. It smelled heavenly, though, and Bucky explained it by presenting to her a plate of waffles and syrup, berries on the side and whipped cream stacked on the top. It was a plate of carbs and that was exactly what she wanted. She could regret it later.

~~~

How Bucky had convinced her to take a walk with him was beyond all reason. Y.n’s breaths were uneven as she hiked up over another steep hill. Bucky was a few steps ahead, but he waited for her at the top. He reached out a hand and when she took it, he helped her over the last stretch with a tug, unrelenting on his hold as their hands remained intertwined to continue walking. The day was chilly, and the sun that would normally offer them a bit of reprieve was sunk beneath a thick layer of clouds. A strong breeze rushed through the woods, rattling the trees, and Y.n pushed her free hand into her pocket to warm her cold fingers. Her sweater bunched up at her wrist. Her wrists ached again. She scratched them against the denim of her jeans.

Her legs were done, and her chest was too damn tight for this. It was a short walk. Rocks settled in her stomach when she remembered that this was a short walk. She could manage that much…she should be able to. Lazy. She took another deep breath. A promise was a promise, and she promised Bucky that she would take a walk. Why was it so hard? The bed at home called out to her, and the thought of being curled up in blankets and sleeping the pain away was heaven compared to this. Pathetic.

A sniffle broke the silence between them. Y.n blinked away the tears that she blamed on the cold air, wiping the remnants off her cheeks. Bucky’s hand squeezed hers, and its warmth kept her grounded as they trudged through the growing storm. The swift return to the cabin was quiet of words but filled with the sound of wind picking up and thunder rolling in from the distance. They closed the front door on it as they entered the cabin.

Y.n slowly toed off her shoes and removed her socks before finding a place in front of the fireplace. She stoked the hot coals they had left before the walk, adding a couple logs and blowing on the embers to get the fire going again. She sighed heavily as a small flame grew to take the bottom of the log, sharing its warmth. Groaning, she sat on the floor in front of it and watched as the yellow and orange grew. Bucky found her there ten minutes later, staring at what was now a steady fire.

“Hey, c’mon,” he said, walking over and nudging her side. “Upsy, off the floor.”

Y.n tilted her head up to see behind her with a smile. “Upsy?”

Bucky chuckled. “Yes, upsy. Are you making fun of me?”

Reaching her arms up she nodded. “Yes, yes I am good sir.”

Bucky took her arms and pulled her up. To give her credit, she did help him by moving her feet. Still, he groaned in teasing. “Agh—you gonna make me drag ya all the way to bed?”

She hummed, pouting. “Maybe I am!”

“Ya need a shower before bed—phew!” he said, scrunching up his face, dropping her arms. He sank down to his knees in front of her and took a dramatized sniff of her face. “Ya starting to smell.”

She gasped. “I smell? You should get a whiff of yourself mister!” she said, shoving his shoulder and he grinned. “You’re all sweaty and dirty!”

“That’s not me!,” he said, launching forward until she was pinned under him on the floor. She laughed as he pebbled her face and neck with tiny kisses and teasing remarks. When she was out of breath, he sat up. “Fine, we’ll both shower—together.”

Y.n rolled her eyes. “Fine. I suppose I could do that. Since you stink so bad you might need help getting it all off.”

Bucky chuckled, rolling his eyes as he stood, offering her a hand and helping her up, leading her to the bathroom. It was there that the barriers she had put up came down with every piece of clothing that she removed. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and she turned away quickly. Bucky had to drag her into the shower, and under the hot water, she wished that she could scrub away all the parts of her body she despised. Every piece of skin was on display for the person she loved and admired to see. Y.n’s arms crossed over her body. When Bucky lifted her chin up, she looked away, unable to meet his eyes. His soft tut broke her heart, but fear sank in when he opened the shower door and stepped out.

“W-wait—”

Bucky looked back, smiling dimly. “I’m not leaving, just hold on…”

She did. The next thing she saw was nothing. The lights were turned off and the bathroom was portrayed in complete darkness. She couldn’t tell her hand from her leg and the knot in her throat welled up again. A moment later, Bucky was back in the shower and his hand found her shoulder, tracing down to her elbow and pulled her close.

“Keep your eyes closed,” he whispered. She obeyed, and only after a little shuffling and his hands weaving through her hair did she understand. Soap bubbles washed down her neck and over her chest as Bucky washed her hair. The motion of his hands massaged away some of the tension in her head, but it made the knot in her throat heavier. She didn’t deserve him.

The water was eventually turned off and they stepped out, drying off in the darkness because Y.n couldn’t bring herself to turn on the light just yet. She knew with the minimal clothes she was wearing, she would face it when she stepped outside the bathroom. But she could have a few more moments, right? Those moments passed too quickly. Y.n found herself standing at the edge of the bed, fixing the blanket again as one of Bucky’s shirts hung off her shoulder. Her hands began scratching at the ache in her wrists.

Bucky pulled them away, guiding her to sit on the bed before he sank to his knees in front of her. He kissed the inside of her wrist, right over the pulse point, and her tears overflowed and a sob broke through the knot in her throat. Thunder shook the room as lightning struck nearby and Y.n cried, covering her eyes with her free hand as she leaned forward over her knees. Torrents of rain beat against the window, and the wind howled over the mountain. Bucky held her head between his hands, staying by her side as she fell apart. As she broke her chest open to release the pressure and pain. As she screamed at old scars. He held her in the climax and tragedy. No, none of it made sense. It never would. Logic tried to scream over the pain, you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine, but nothing was. Logic doesn’t know how to talk to a heart that is aching. Logic speaks, but the heart only knows Latin and doesn’t understand.

Y.n knew the truth. She understood reason. She knew because her mind told her so, but her heart also said she was bleeding. The pain accompanying the intrusive thoughts was oppressive—devastating. She couldn’t escape it if she tried, and she did try, every single time. She was without sense or hope. She pulled Bucky close in her madness, her hands screaming love me, love me, love me anyway. Without him, she was nothing. Bucky never wavered. He pulled her into the bed, kissing her head and held her close, tightly, like he was the only thing holding her together. And he likely was.

Y.n hid her face in his chest, muttering with a shaky breath, “It’s so dark I can’t see anything in front of me.”

Bucky nodded. “That’s okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay…” he said and kissed the top of her head.

Y.n tightened her arms around his waist. “I know everything’s gonna be fine I just—My head, damn it I’m so screwed up—” she sobbed.

“Hey, hey,” Bucky said, cutting her off. “You know better than that.”

She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I get like this.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said, pulling her head back so he could look at her properly. His eyes were red-lined and his hair was a damp mess. “I choose you anyway…we’ll work through this one just like we did the last. And I’ll be here for the next one. We’re gonna be okay, okay?”

“Okay…” she whispered. “I love you.”

“Good,” he said, sniffling as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, “Because I love you too.”

Bucky tucked Y.n in against his chest again, and with some shuffling, they managed to get under the blankets. He wrapped his legs over and between hers until they were inseparable. The knot in Y.n’s throat slowly began to ease. Her now gentle cries were soothed by the rhythmic, though sometimes shaky nature of Bucky’s breathing. Y.n’s fingers traced over the expanse of his back, between his shoulder blades and sliding down to the dip in his spine. As the turbulent thoughts began to ease into stinging whispers, she relaxed, and her chest didn’t seem quite as heavy. Silence settled for a few minutes as her hands slowly came to a halt on Bucky’s back. The few minutes stretched into several and then into many. Soon, night fell on them, and she was still, eyes closed at last as she was encased in sleep. One of the few places her mind let her rest. Bucky held her still, soothing his own heart by keeping her close. There was only so much a man’s heart could take of watching the one he loves suffer and break.

The morning came too quickly, but it was better. After a climax, there was always a decline. The front door closed behind Bucky as he stepped out on to the front porch, sitting in the wooden rocking chair beside Y.n. He handed her one of the coffees he held. She smiled, letting the warmth from the mug seep into her fingers. A calm settled between them.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. He hummed, a small smile peaking off the corners of his lips as he watched her. A new life rested in her, and he could tell she was breathing easier by the way she embraced the sunlight sliding across her cheeks.

The rain from the night before left the grass wet and the air a bit colder, but the skies were clearing, and the morning sun was rising steadily. A gentle breeze brushed past them, bringing fresh air to their little spot. Y.n relaxed back in her chair, her hand falling from her mug to take Bucky’s hand. He gave it willingly, and she lifted it to her lips, pressing a kiss to his knuckles before intertwining their fingers and letting them rest back on his thigh. He smiled, and so did she, and he knew. He relaxed and his features softened. The storm was clearing.

“Thank you,” she said again, but for more.

“Always…” he said. He leaned toward her to kiss her. “Always,” he repeated, sealing the words against her lips as a promise.

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wintersoldiersoul · 6 months

Note

I just realised you already have a post similar to my previous ask so maybe could you write something where Bucky noticed reader was struggling with self harm a while ago and thought she was better but she isn’t and he helps her 🥺

TW: self-harm, blood, depression, please do not read if any of these things will upset you. Love you all and reach out to someone if you need to <3

You didn’t know what had happened. You couldn’t even remember how you had ended up where you were. One second you were crying in bed and suddenly you were on the bathroom floor, blade in your hand and covered in fresh cuts.

It had been so long. You were doing so well, about a week away from being 2 years clean. You tried so hard to prevent it from happening but Bucky being gone made it so much harder. When you had first told him about your self-harm and depression, he had sat down with you and made a “safety-plan”.

“If you feel like you’re gonna hurt yourself, the first step is find me, okay?” He had spoken sternly. “If I’m not here, you call. And if I don’t answer on the first try, you keep calling. Second step is to distract yourself. Go on a walk, bake something, it doesn't matter. Just don’t let yourself sit in the dark thoughts.” As he spoke, he wrote everything down on a piece of paper. “And listen,” he grabbed your hands and looked into your eyes. “If I don’t answer, for some reason, you call someone else. You call Natasha or Tony or any other person in your life. You cannot let yourself be alone when you feel this way.” You nodded, fully planning on doing just that if the time ever came. But when you woke up this morning filled with a primal need to hurt yourself, you didn’t even remember the plan.

It was like nothing mattered except for feeling the blade against your skin and watching the blood pour out. The emotional pain that you were in needed to escape. You needed to feel it in a physical capacity. So you didn’t call Bucky. Because you knew he’d stop you. And you didn’t wanna be stopped.

You regretted it the second you made the first cut. All of that progress you had made, gone within the blink of an eye. You’d have to remember to erase the day marking your 2 years clean on your calendar. The shame you felt didn’t stop you though. It just made you want to hurt yourself more. You were ashamed and felt like a failure. You cried as you dragged the blade over your wrists, mumbling to yourself how stupid and worthless you were. How you always let everyone down.

You dissociated as you cut, robotically moving to your thighs once you ran out of space on your arms. You couldn’t stop, even as you grew dizzy from the blood loss. Your head was pounding from it and the dehydration caused by your tears but you couldn’t bring yourself to get up off the floor. Eventually, you put the blade down but you continued crying, the crimson of your blood staining the white-tile floor.

You didn’t hear the front door open. Didn’t hear Bucky calling out for you, home from the mission. His heart sped up as he walked further into the house, hearing your broken sobs coming from the bathroom. “Y/N? Sweetheart?” He called, getting closer. He didn’t wanna frighten you but his gut told him that something was incredibly wrong. He knocked on the door, but you didn’t register it. There was no time for you to even attempt to cover up what you had done, plus you knew he’d find out eventually. Bucky’s favorite thing to do when he got home from a mission was to rip your clothes off.

His heart stopped when he opened the door. There you were, hugging your knees to your chest, crying hysterically and bleeding out. There was so much blood coming from your arms and your thighs. “Oh my god,” was all he could say as he rushed over to you. “Oh my god, oh my god,” he kept repeating, trying to assess the damage you had done to yourself. “Baby, can you hear me? It’s me, it’s Bucky,” he said, trying to get you to calm down and talk to him. You were still in your own little world as you cried.

“I’m sorry,” you cried, fully realizing that he was there. He grabbed you and hugged you tightly and you could feel his body shaking as he did. “I’m so sorry,” you sobbed into his chest.

“Baby, we gotta stop this bleeding or I’m gonna have to take you to the hospital.” He wanted to talk this out with you, to comfort you, but right now, you were bleeding out in his arms. “Can I move you? I’m just gonna sit you up on the sink, okay?” You nodded and he gingerly moved your body so that you were perched on the sink, back against the mirror as it was hard to hold yourself up. He created makeshift tourniquets, a skill that he still had from the war, and wrapped them around your arms and legs. “Oh my god,” he said, once again.

You looked up at him with wide eyes. “I got blood on your shirt…” you whispered quietly.

“It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it.” He assured you, cupping your face in his hands. “I gotta clean these cuts, I’m sorry,” he said, removing the tourniquets once the bleeding had mostly stopped. You winced as he dabbed at your skin, the sting from the contact immediate. “I know, sweetie, I know, I’m sorry,” he repeated words of encouragement to you. “Just breathe, please. Take a deep breath. It’s almost over.” He took his time in ensuring everything was clean and that the bleeding was stopped before he applied bandaids. “What did you do, baby?” He looked up at you with sadness in his blue eyes. “You-you’re covered,” he said, voice dropping to a whisper as tears started falling down his face.

You looked down, too ashamed to look him in the eyes. “I don’t know what happened… I just woke up today and it just hurt so much and I just… I don’t know. I couldn’t stop myself.”

“Why didn’t you call me? What about your plan, remember?”

“I knew you’d stop me…” Your voice held so much shame.

“You’re damn right I would have!” His voice grew loud, but he wasn’t yelling at you. He knew you couldn’t help the mental illness you struggled with. And he saw how hard you fought every single day. Even though you had slipped up, he was still so incredibly proud of the time you had spent clean and he would dedicate every second to helping you get back on track. As long as you were willing to try, how could he be mad at you? “I’m not angry at you, I’m just… oh god, I’m terrified. I’d be worried no matter what if you relapsed but baby, you did some serious damage.”

“I know,” you said. “I’m so angry at myself. I was a week away from 2 years. And I fucked it all up!”

He tilted your chin up so that you were looking at him. “Do you wanna stay clean again? Do you wanna get back on track?” You nodded. “Then you didn’t fuck anything up, okay? You’re human and you struggle. That's normal and okay. Of course I wish you didn’t do this. I hate seeing you in pain more than anything in this entire world. But baby, don’t be angry with yourself. Use that emotion as motivation to continue getting better. Please don’t let this send you spiraling back down into a place that’s gonna be even harder to get out of.”

You wiped some tears off of your face. “It’s so hard being alive, Bucky. Even on the good days, the depression is always there in the back of my mind. Even when I’m happy, it’s like I’m never really happy. Maybe true happiness just isn’t in the cards for me. I just wanna end it.”

“Honey…” your words broke his heart. You could see it on his face. “I know how hard it is and how much you struggle. You have no idea how badly I wish I could take away all of your pain. Seeing you like this… god, it breaks me apart. I’m so scared for you. I’m so worried about you,” his body was still shaking slightly. “But you deserve happiness. You deserve it more than anyone. You have such a beautiful soul and you inspire me every single day that you get up and live your life even though you struggle. Happiness is in the cards for you. I know that because I will spend every waking minute of the rest of my life trying to make you happy.” He brushed your hair behind your ears. “I love you so much. Please don’t leave me here alone. I-” he took a deep breath, trying to hold back tears but failed as they slipped out anyway. “I can’t do this without you. I can’t be in this world without you.”

He pulled you into a tight hug, resting your head on his chest. The two of you stayed like that, both crying against each other’s bodies. It was heartbreaking, the way your sadness broke him, too, like you were one soul sharing two bodies.

“Let’s get you into some clean clothes, okay? You’ll feel better.” Your shorts and shirt were both stained with red. He helped you change into a pair of clean pants and a sweatshirt, being extra careful as he noticed your grimaces of pain each time the material touched your skin. You both got into bed, exhausted from the intense emotional turmoil that the night had stained you with.

The two of you lay on your sides facing each other. Bucky wordlessly stroked your hair, looking deep into your eyes. “I’m never gonna abandon you. No matter how many times you slip up. I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed your forehead before pulling you into a tight hug. “Never.”

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huffelpuff210 · 16 days

Text

Taken care of Part 3 Soft Dark Steve Rogers x Soft Dark Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Forced relationship, Controlling behavior, Forced Marriage, Non Con, mentions of loss of a child, mentions of depression, Dark Themes, age gap,

You lay in the bed, sandwiched between both men as they slept, Both had an arm draped over you,

After they were finished Cumming inside of you multiple times, bending you in all sorts of positions, You cried, You cried so hard, Not sure what was happening, why this was happening, they were your friends, why were they doing this to you?

You look over your shoulder to See Bucky fast asleep, and in front of you Steve is also asleep,

You slowly peel Steve’s arm off of you, he doesn’t move, You Peel Bucky’s off of you he is fast asleep,

You crawl out of bed slowly and quietly trying not to make any sudden movements,

You are naked so you grab a pair of running shorts, and a tank top, not bothering grabbing any underwear, You knew right now was your best chance,

You had no family, but you had a few friends you could hide out with until you could skip town,

You had no idea how your life had made this sudden turn, how could any of this had happened?

You quietly grab your car keys from the table near the door, looking back they are both fast asleep, You slip on your flat’s making your way to the front door, opening it quietly, and shutting it, the crickets chirping, as you close the door. This is the first time you have been outside in three months,

You take a deep breath, sprinting for your car fumbling with your keys to unlock the door, when suddenly you are pushed against the car by the back of your neck,

“Where the hell do you think your going?” You hear Bucky’s gruff voice against your ear,

“Away from the two of you!” You yell as your lip starts quivering,

“Oh doll there is no escaping us.” he says

“You are ours now,” He says

You feel the tears falling down your cheeks,

“Why are you doing this?” You ask,

“I thought you were my friends.” You says

“Oh kitten we are.” Bucky says against your cheek,

“But you need us to take care of you.” You hear Steve,

“I mean look at you, In shorts and a tank top in thirty degree weather.” Steve says

“P-Please let me go, I won’t tell anyone.” You say

“Of course not, you are our girl, and soon to be wife.” Bucky says

“There is no way I will be your wife! Besides no one will conduct a three party wedding!” You yell

Both Steve and Bucky chuckle,

“You won’t have to worry about that doll, We are Captain America and Winter Solider, all we have to do is say the word.” Steve says

You let out a breath, they were right who were you to fight against them,

“So why don’t we all go inside and talk.” Steve says

You nod slowly knowing you had no chance against the two soliders.

You sat on the couch as The two super soliders stared down at you, You felt as if you were in the principles office,

You jumped when you felt Bucky’s metal hand on your thigh,

“First off I guess we should start by saying we’re sorry,” Steve says as he stares down at you , You look at him a little baffled,

“We should have done this sooner before you hooked up with that loser.” Steve says

“We should have told you how we felt about you sooner.” Bucky says as he rubs your thigh with his hand which causes goosebumps

“Why are you doing this?” You asked looking down at the floor,

“Because we love you kitten, and we want to take care of you.” Bucky says

“We know that this place is small and passing that room is painful so we decided to get started on moving you in at our place.” Steve begins,

You finally look up,

“But-” You began to argue, But Steve presses one of his fingers to your lips,

“That wasn’t a request.” He says smiling down at you,

“Once you get settled we will begin on the plans.” Bucky says kissing the side of your neck,

“P-Plans?” You asked

“Getting married, Can’t have our girl living with us and not be married.” Steve says kneeling in between your legs,

You shake your head no,

“N-No, I can’t.” You say,

“You can and will, Don’t you understand doll we love you and we would hate to use force to make you comply.” Steve says glaring at you,

“Sure you have no family but plenty of friends, I would hate for them to have some sort of accident.” Steve says

Your eyes widen, How could you forget, Steve and Bucky knew everything about you, who your friends were, where you liked to go, You told them everything, before any of this ever happened, And they hung on to every word, and you didn’t realize how deep their obsession really was up until this point that is,

“Now, will you be a good girl and do as we say kitten?” Bucky asked

Your lip quivered realizing you were backed into a corner, and you had no way out and no one to save you,

You simply swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded, agreeing to their insane idea,

“That’s our good girl,” Steve says

He pulls out a ring from his pocket, It was a beautiful rose gold ring, the diamond was in the shape of a tear drop, and on each side of the ring had their initials,

Steve grabbed your wrist, slipping on the ring, on your left ring finger,

“Fits perfectly.” Bucky hums

You really couldn’t believe this was happening, they were your friends what had happened,

“Why don’t I make us something to eat.” Steve says standing up making his way to the kitchen while you sat on the couch completely stunned

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finelinebarnesx · 2 years

Text

Bucky Barnes || Toxic

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

masterlist

Pairing: Bucky x GN!Reader

Summary: I don’t really know how to put this in words ☹️

Warnings: cuss words, self-harm, blood, tears, major heartbreak!

AGAIN- TRIGGER WARNING!!

All I could hear was ringing in my ears as I screamed into the pillow, my mascara had smudged as I cried harder than I ever have before, he left. Bucky left me again, stress consumed both of us again and things go out of hand and none of us knew what to do.

The words we said were unforgivable on both sides but what hurts the most is that no matter what he says to me I’ll always love him and welcome him in my arms like nothing happened. We’re toxic and never the whole “cute couple” toxic that people like the romanticise, it’s mentally and physically draining.

I sat on the floor trying to get my breathing back to normal but after looking at my appearance in the mirror I noticed the little cut on my cheek from the previous events of the smashed glass on the floor, I’m hurting; maybe everything and everyone would be dead if I wasn’t here, would make everyone’s life easier and they wouldn’t have to deal with my “bullshit”

That’s what he said. The hateful words, the tone of his voice and the glare in his eyes told me he meant them this time and it wasn’t just anger. Maybe it would be easier-better. Opening the little box I have hidden in the back of the shared wardrobe, the shiny razor led untouched, i just stared at it for a few seconds allowing more tears to shed.

One cut “no one loves you”

two cut “it’ll be better if you’re not here”

three cut “just kill yourself y/n nobody would care”

four “you’re worthless”

I watched the blood drip as I slid the metal across my wrist repeating the words over and over, something in my brain wouldn’t allow me to stop so I just kept going until I felt lightheaded. I was hoping this was it, I was finally going to do what everyone told and wants me to do.

The door opened but I just led there my vision got more blurry as Bucky stood with wide eyes, he ran over grabbing a towel from the bedside table gently but tightly wrapping it around my wrist to stop the blood. He was apologising, panicking but I didn’t care- this is what he wanted.

“Baby, listen to me keep your eyes open” he spoke tapping my cheek to keep me conscious, I was in and out of consciousness due to lack of blood loss. I kept trying to push him off me “y/n”

“You, you wanted this” I slurred looking at him. “You and everyone else wants this so let me die, it’ll be easier!” I sobbed, tears ran down his cheeks. “Just let me die!” Crying harder I went to grab the blade again but failed. “I don’t want it to be like this, I don’t want to feel like this”

He pulled me into his arms allowing me to sob on his shoulder. “How could you do this to me Bucky? Ho-why do I keep letting you hurt me like this! I shouldn’t have to put up with this but I love you”

“You shouldn’t” he mumbled rubbing my back. “Words can’t describe how sorry I am baby. I am so fucking sorry”

“Please just let me die” after that I just blacked out waking up a few hours later with Bucky sat on my bed looking at me. “You don’t love me” I whispered making eye contact. “You always do this Buck”

“I really fucking tried, I’m trying to be a good boyfriend but maybe it’s best I just leave” I didn’t say anything I just watched him get up and leave, maybe this time he won’t come back. This time, I don’t want him to.

#sebastianstan #buckybarnes #bucky x reader #imagines #marvel cinematic universe #james buchanan barnes #marvel #thewintersoldier #falcon and the winter soldier #mcu #sargeantbarnes #gifs #one shot #tw self destruction #depression #x reader #foryou #foryoupage

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queers-gambit · 8 months

Text

Curiosity Killed The Cat

prompt: after rescuing you from kidnappers, you overhear your boyfriend-turned-savior complain about how clingy you've become.

pairing: Mafia!Bucky Barnes x female!reader

fandom masterlist: Marvel

word count: 5.1k+

note: author wants things out of her drafts! also don't take this fic too seriously, it's not much at all - just me writing for the fuck of it until i'm ready to focus on my bigger projects.

warnings: modern AU, Mafia AU, obvious cursing, small hurt and comfort, brief depiction of physical violence and self-destruction in the form of: loss of appetite, lack of sleep, other symptoms of depression. NOT edited! author is ashamed because she knows she can give you something better but oh well.

browse the Clingy Baby collection masterlist here

Your feet planted, jarring you to a halt the moment you heard your name in a conversation you were not apart of.

You heard the hammering of your heart, echoing beats of your blood pumping with harrowing desperation. Hands turned cold and clammy, sweat breaking out on your brow and then freezing, feeling as if your throat had swollen to a new restriction and you were anchored in you in place.

Rooted.

But for now, all you could identify was the paralyzing anxiety that anchored you to your spot and made your heartbeat thunder in your ears. You stood outside the lounge, unable to comprehend relevant thought; still listening to low, docile tones continue their conversation, but you couldn't hear real words.

You were stunned. Panicked, confused, hurt - so very hurt. That seemed to register, too; you were really, really hurt.

This was perhaps why curiosity killed the cat.

You reprimanded yourself for listening in - transporting back to childhood during all the times your parents would scold you for eavesdropping. You knew it was wrong, you knew this was a private conversation meant to be shared between trusting confidants, but you couldn't help it - you heard your name and stopped. It was natural, right? To feel curious regarding a conversation seemingly about you that you, yourself, was not apart of?

Curiosity, indeed.

Blinking rapidly, you remembered the only other time you felt such mounting, pressurized fear, and while it might be dramatic, the only other time you could remember this level of anxiety was from about two months ago...

"Yes, baby, I got the bacon."

"And the jalapeños?"

"Uh-huh, the biggest they had."

"Cream cheese?"

"Do you know who you're talking to?" You laughed into the phone. "I'm a professional housewife by now, you can relax. I got all you needed for your fancy little dinner experiment."

Bucky laughed down the phone, "Oh, please, like I didn't see you salivating when we watched the segment on Top Chef."

"Hush," you laughed, too. "I'm leaving the store now," you told him, pushing out of the heavy glass doors, "and should be home in, like, 10 minutes?"

"Lemme pick you up."

"I have legs to walk with, so, no thank you."

He sighed, "Well, I'll open the wine to let it breathe. Red's still good?"

"Let's do a white tonight, please."

"Good deal," he mused softly. "Hey, I was thinking earlier - "

"Hang on," you pleaded.

"What's wrong?"

"No, nothing. There's just a van slowing down, I don't want to get hit," you chuckled some, looking up and down the street before crossing. "Sorry, so, what were you thinking?"

"We haven't been to Paris in months."

You smirked, "I'm sure our plants in the apartment are dead by now."

Bucky laughed, "Oh, I am, too. But, look, how 'bout it, Peach? You, me, all the croissants we can consume this weekend. I'll take Monday and Tuesday off, we can leave tomorrow night."

"Oh, that sounds nice," you moaned. "Paris in the spring? Baby, that's so dreamy!"

"So, is that a yes?"

"It's a hell yes," you grinned. "Do you know the weather?"

"Supposed to be nice and sunny, not too warm or cold. Figured this would be ideal," he chuckled. "But does the weather matter if we're in bed the whole time?"

"No, we're not wasting our time!" You laughed. "We're gonna go do shit, okay? Stereotypical tourist-couple shit."

"I'll bring the camera."

"And I was hoping we could have dinner at that little place we love?"

"I wouldn't take you anywhere else," he mused.

"I think it's - FUCK!" Bucky froze when he heard the screeching of tires; a van coming up to a skidding halt, flurry of voices all yelling but he heard yours clearly. "No, no, no, hey, hey, what the hell's happening? Hey! What's this - hey, hey! Don't touch me! Ow, shit! No! Hey! Fuck's sake - oh, my God! Ow! Hey!"

"Baby!? Peach! Hey! The fuck's going on!?"

There was a thudding over the phone, and Bucky listened to more struggling - more fidgeting and fighting - and then the slamming of a car door. Still calling your name, Bucky heard a scrape over the line before a different voice answered your phone, "James Barnes. On behalf of HYDRA, you're overdue on your payment and we warned you there would be consequences. Deliver the full amount of 17 million - "

"It's 15," he growled.

"Two million more for the inconvenience of stalking your woman."

"If you even so much as touch her, I swear to God - "

"17 million at midnight, at the pier, or every minute you're late, she'll receive the brunt end of our frustration."

"Don't hurt her - "

"Midnight, Mr. Barnes, at the pier - you know where. Don't be late, she looks like she won't last long."

The line went dead after he heard your screech of pain, confusion, and fear. The moment the line cut, he dropped his phone and slowly lowered himself to sit on the kitchen floor, shock coloring his system. It wasn't that he didn't have the money, quite the opposite - but he and his men had a plan in motion to take out HYDRA, their org's competition, and this was totally against all they anticipated. After a minute to sit in his own worry, Bucky jumped to his feet, grabbed his phone, keys, wallet, and two handguns; holstering them both before shrugging his suit jacket on.

He made every phone call he could, gathering the men he trusted most to (one of) his warehouse(s).

For hours, you were strung up by your wrists in a joint-pulling position while the Brooklyn Mafia formulated a plan of attack. It was the most pain you've ever known, but then the abuse started and you were blinded by this new pain. You had bruises most places, cuts that wept blood; scars that would never heal, wounds that wouldn't ever close. You were delirious, miserable, confused, just dazed and confused; praying to a God who didn't listen.

"Oh, look at that," your captor mocked, holding a thick-bladed hunting knife in hand, "it's one minute til midnight, and I don't see your loverboy anywhere."

You sniffled, unable to respond.

He stared out the lone window, tisking and narrating, "Nope, I see not a soul - and with how protective he is over you, you'd think he'd want to ensure your safety. Not leave it to chance, huh?"

You whimpered as the clock struck midnight, your heart hammering in heavy-hung worry. You had tears in your eyes, heart nearly beating out of your chest, feeling incredibly nauseous. The desire to scream never lessened, just fearing what was to come; the men in the room making you fear for the state of your life, their knuckles cracking. You only begged, "Please. Don't."

The main captor laughed, "You can do better than that! C'mon, give me the satisfaction of tellin' ol' James you begged for mercy - but it wasn't enough to sway me. I'll lie, for sure, and say it happened but it will be so much sweeter if you actually do it."

"Please," you shook your head, avoiding eye contact. "Just don't do this, please."

"Oh, honey," he mocked, "it's not our fault he's late. Lads! Have at her, but leave her face for now - she's still real pretty."

You listened as he gave commands in Russian, understanding after the years at Bucky's side; whimpering when the first blow landed to your gut and knocked the wind out of you. The minutes drug by and you felt your resolve crumbling, heart still hammering to a never-before-felt speed that made it feel as if it were jumping out of your very body at every single pulse point. You struggled in your restraints, but it was futile by how tight you were bound; unable to protect yourself.

At 12:03 am, the doors blew open in a resounding blast; concrete crumbling and sprinkling the floor. You cried out as the smoke choked you, coughing through the haze; only barely able to make out certain figures to know Bucky had brought his best men. However, despite the sting to your eyes from the swirling dust and smoke, you saw a lone man stalk through the blasted wall, through the fray, and straight up to you.

"Bu-Bucky!" You choked in relief as he reached to untie your feet first. You dangled for only a moment as his metal prosthetic ripped off whatever held your wrists to the torture contraption. "Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Bucky, holy shit, baby, please, please, please," you rambled as he freed you and instantly caught you on his broad shoulders.

"I got you, Peach, I'm here, I've got you," he promised in your ear, hoisting your legs around his waist so they latched and then wrapping his arms around you securely. "Don't let go and don't look up, okay? Hear me, Peach?"

You nodded into his neck, only able to cry.

Bucky jolted and jerked slightly as he moved through the fight again, but not a minute later, you were stepping outside into the sobering, brisk spring air. This was the moment you understood how dangerous and fleeting life with Bucky could be, making a promise to yourself that if he says take the car, you'll take the fucking car.

And now, here you were, outside the high-rise apartment's lounge (which was just a converted bedroom), listening to your boyfriend complain about you some 2 months after the whole fiasco. HYDRA had been all but wiped out, and in the weeks since, Bucky's men had gone on smaller missions to eradicate the HYDRA members they heard rumor of being local. Yet you didn't feel safe, yet.

You didn't feel safe if you weren't around Bucky.

Everything made you jump: the beep of the done-dryer, that spritz of the automatic fragrance mister in the bathroom, the "duh-dunnn" of a loaded-up Netflix. Keys jingling, car horns, the barking of the dog in the apartment a floor below you... Everything.

Being around Bucky was just like holding a safety blanket. He would always protect you, and for about a week after your rescue, he laid in bed and around the home with you; being lazy; time off work to simply hold you and assure you were safe. Safe in his arms. Safe in his embrace, his presence.

So now... To hear this... You were devastated.

You didn't mean to eavesdrop, it just sort of happened. It was still earlier in the morning, but Bucky hadn't been in bed beside you and based on the feel of the sheets, his body hadn't been there in a while. So, you made some coffee and then ventured around the home in search of your lover; coming upon the lounge and hearing voices from within.

You knew it was common for Steve Rogers and / or Sam Wilson to stay late or visit early, so, you weren't shocked by that, but did falter in announcing yourself when you heard Sam ask how you were doing since the kidnapping. He used your name specifically, making Bucky sigh, and for your curiosity to peak.

"She's different, man."

"How so?" Sam wondered.

"She doesn't like being without me now," he chuckled without humor. "I'm serious, she won't go to the gym until I do, waits to have meals together, won't leave the house if I'm out, and," he scoffed to himself, "you can forget going to the grocery store or anything - she's even stopped going to work - "

"You told her to stop working, like, two years ago when y'all first moved-in together," Sam deadpanned.

"I know," Bucky shrugged, "but it feels tenfold now that she's so reclusive."

"It's normal," Steve sighed gently.

"Yeah? Is it normal that I can't even go take a shit without promising her I'll be right back?" Bucky snapped in exasperation. "It's that bad, she's that fucking clingy, man. I go in the kitchen to make dinner, she's in there 30 seconds later to 'help' me. I take a shower, she finds a reason to linger in the bedroom, but that was better than before, when she wouldn't even shower by herself. It's just a lot, she's everywhere I look. I'm starting to find new reasons not to come home, man, she's always fucking here - and when I walk in the door, she's on me. I need to fucking breathe, but I can't tell her to stop, she'll get her feelings hurt and then I'm the bad guy."

"Man," Steve laughed, "you can't be the bad guy if you go to her in a calm and collected manner, but it's only been two months. She's still recovering."

"Exactly why if I say anything, no matter how calm and collected, I'm the bad guy. I get she's hurting and tryna recover, but Goddamn, does she have to be in every room I'm in? Do everything with me? How do I tell my traumatized girlfriend to back off? Let me breathe?"

Sam laughed, "You don't! You just said it - she's traumatized! Cut the girl some slack, she's got a lot to fuckin' deal with!"

"I'm not negating from that fact," Bucky argued, "I'm just trying to say, the way she's clinging onto me like she can't function without me is just grating at my nerves. I just need to breathe and recharge, but I can't tell her that - fuck's sake."

"Buck," Steve smirked, "you're worried Peach isn't gonna listen, but that's her literal superpower. Just communicate, she can't read your mind, but you need to remember how traumatic all of that was for her to experience - she's scarred from that kidnapping, man. So, sure, you need to recharge, but she needs the support."

"Is it wrong to ask for a day here and there to do that? To recharge?" Bucky asked quietly.

"If you communicate, it's perfectly reasonable to ask for," Sam assured softly. "And whatever you do, don't tell her you think she's clingy. Chicks hate that, that word is, just, like, taboo or something. Real heavy, negative connotations."

"But she is," Bucky growled quietly, "'s like she's afraid to let go 'cause I'll disappear or something."

"Oh, noooo," Sam mocked, "I'm Bucky and my girlfriend loves me too much and trusts me too much and actually feels safe and dependent on me too much - ohhh noooo!"

There was a thump, Sam's cried, "Ow!", and Bucky telling him to shut up. You slowly backed away from the door, trying to settle your breathing as you made your escape down the hall. When back in the kitchen, you whimpered and let the first tears fall... The first of many you shed in the hour it took you to prepare breakfast for everyone; doing your best to eat as you cooked so you didn't have to linger around the men. You took Bucky's words to heart, and maybe you were too sensitive, maybe you should venture outside again.

So, when the lads came out, you set the table without making eye contact with any of them. "Here," you directed, setting the pancakes down, "I made breakfast, come eat, it's still hot."

"Wow," Sam smiled brightly, "thanks, Peach!"

You hummed, still avoiding their eyes as you just set the abundance of food to the table. "You... Cooked without me?" Bucky asked you with skepticism.

"Mhm," you hummed, setting the coffee pot down to a hot pad, "and I'm going out shopping with Nat, so, eat up, lads, I'll do the dishes when I get home. Love you, boys, bye," you waved them off, snatching your keys and then moving to the door to stuff your feet into your sneakers.

"Woah, woah, woah," Bucky left the table, approaching you urgently, "hey, what do you mean? You're goin' out?"

"Yep, figured I've stayed in too long, might as well get out and remember life doesn't stop just 'cause I'm sad."

"Peach - "

"I'll see you when I get home, Buck, okay?" You mumbled, slinging your purse on your shoulder.

"Well, here, here, hey, wait, hang on," he pulled his wallet out, handing you over a wad of big bills. "Spend it all, okay? Have fun, call or text if you need me, yeah?"

"Sure."

Bucky leaned in to kiss you but you just opened the door, ready to leave. He frowned, watching you, barely managing to call a quick, "Love you!"

You didn't return the sentiment, feeling hallow and all too silly to return the affection. In your purse was your laptop, headphones, chargers, and whatever else, so, instead of meeting your friend, Natasha - being just a ruse to avoid Bucky - you started small and just went to the local café. You used to frequent it back in the day, but times were changed, and yet, they were all the happier to serve you the same as before. Getting cozy in the corner, you set up camp and ordered your favorite coffee basically every other hour - letting the day waste away as you caught up on work emails.

Might've wasted time on Instagram and Facebook and Pinterest. Got shopping done on Amazon. Browsed through Target's online selection. Checked out the sale items at Kate Spade. Perused Fenty Lingerie because you could.

Before you knew it, a message was coming in over your MacBook from Bucky, asking where you were - why had you turned your location off?

You packed up and with a to-go cup, made the short trek back home. When you got back, Bucky was pacing in the living room; staring at his phone and typing, then deleting, retyping, groaning, glancing up, typing again, then doing a double take. "Where've you been, Peach? Huh!?" Bucky demanded. "You're late!"

"Out with Nat," you eased.

He huffed through his nose, nodding slowly, "You have a nice time?"

"It was okay," you answered. "I'm gonna go to bed after I shower."

His brows furrowed, "I have a meeting tonight."

"I know."

"O...kay?" He let you go, wanting to ask why you didn't ask him to join like you had so often in the past few weeks.

And it didn't stop there, in fact, it got worse. When Bucky got home from his meeting, he was actually shocked to see you nestled in the bed; teetering on the edge of the shared space while snuggling a weighted body pillow.

When he tried to give you a snuggle, you stirred to life and pushed him back, muttering, "Too hot."

The following morning, he was relatively surprised to see you up and about before him; barely getting a word in before you were slipping out the door to go on a morning jog. He was confused by how all of a sudden, where you were once everywhere he looked, now, you were disappeared and distant and gone. You worked out alone, cooked alone - but always left him a plate, but long gone were the cute little sticky notes you left for him. You once haunted the apartment by never wanting to leave, and now, ghosted in and out of it on a daily basis.

You never bothered to go far from home. You liked hanging at the coffee shop and luckily, your job let you work from home most days, and the rare time you were due back in the office, it was only about a 20 minute walk. You got better at lying, couldn't even remember the last time you and Bucky had sex, and even now, the last time you had a meal together. You didn't text him about your day; where you once might've told him about an adorable dog you saw on the street, now, you only ever texted him if he asked a direct question.

Food lost appeal, your appetite vanished.

Sleep evaded you, plaguing you with nightmares when you did rest.

Interest dulled, passions were snuffed, and only fearful, confused anger remained. It showed in the way weight seemed to shift around your body, thinning; the lack of sleep creating dark rings and bags under your bloodshot eyes.

After two weeks of this, Bucky grew irritated and short with everyone around him. It reflected in his work, the way he spoke to everyone; even Steve and Sam getting the brunt end of his anger. Without you to assure him, Bucky was off his rocker; losing his cool; his patience stretched far too thin. So much so, the two mates approached an outside associate, Natasha Romanoff, after a particularly snappy meeting to plead for her to talk to Bucky.

"James," Nat greeted as she strode into his office without knocking.

"I know you're my oldest friend, but you don't have that privilege yet," he mused, never looking up.

"What?"

"Not knocking. What is it, Nat?"

"Just came to check on you, you know, like friends do."

"Hm," he chuckled without humor, "and what did Peach say to you?"

"About...?"

"Me."

"Nothing, I haven't gotten ahold of her for weeks."

Bucky paused, slowly lifting his head in confusion; brows furrowed and mouth set in a firm, straight line. "What?" He grit.

"Huh?" Nat wondered.

"She's been telling me that she's hanging out with you for the past two weeks," he revealed.

"Nope, not since the incident with HYDRA."

Bucky's (right) flesh hand crushed the pen in his grip, taking a long breath. "All right," he sighed, "so, why come today?"

"What's really going on, Buck?" She worried softly. "Is it really whatever's going on with Peach? You're this pissed off? What'd she even do?"

"She just..." He cut himself off with a long sigh. "It's nothing."

"Bucky," Nat gave a pointed look.

"She's just avoiding me," he muttered. "It's like she's barely home, almost like a ghost."

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Yes, and no," Bucky snipped, rolling his neck out. "I'm just worried about her now, she's never not communicated before."

"Something's bothering her," Nat shrugged. "She probably needs you right now, Buck."

"I can't do it all," he whispered. "I can't be who she wants and run this organization at the same time."

"She doesn't need that, she just needs you to be her partner," Natasha spoke softly. "She needs to feel loved and supported, and surely, she maybe felt weird about whatever you were projecting. Instead of taking it out on your men," she smirked, "why don't you just talk to her? 'Cause I hear you're bein' a more-than-usual asshole lately. You need to ease up or get laid, 'cause you're taking it out on good, loyal men, and that's entirely unfair."

"They can take it."

"Sure, but they shouldn't have to," Nat rolled her eyes. "Look, since you won't answer me, I'm assuming the sour mood is in regard to whatever relationship issues you have right now?"

"Sure," he tossed the pen away, opened a skinny drawer to his right and select an identical one.

"Bucky," she growled.

He sighed, "She's lying to me, Nat. Saying she's with you when she's not... Is this an affair? She's gone all the time now."

"No way," Nat laughed. "Baby girl doesn't have the energy to entertain anyone - let alone two men. You're just the exception."

"Why lie, then?"

"Maybe she didn't want you questioning her..."

"No shit."

"Well, did you get into a fight?"

"No."

"Any reason she doesn't want to be home?"

He shook his head with a sigh, "Not that I know of."

"You had to do something."

"Honest, I haven't. She was being all clingy, but then one day, a switch flipped."

Nat frowned, "You think... Your girlfriend is being clingy... Because she was kidnapped and beaten up... Because of your fucking job... And is probably scared...out of...her mind...? I get that correct?"

Bucky paused for a long moment, muttering, "Oh, my God."

"Yeah, you asshole. Think of it that way! She's afraid!" Natasha snapped. "And probably picked up on your energy, so, she made herself scarce."

"I didn't mean - "

"I don't care, go home, apologize to that sweet angel - she doesn't deserve this."

Bucky paused, "What is 'this' exactly?"

"James. Focus on the present - your woman. Go make this right. We all know you're this big, bad dude - but it's okay to be a little sensitive towards the woman who loves you without condition!"

Bucky relented, figuring the redheaded Russian mobster was right.

The entire drive home, Bucky considered the ways you had changed in the few, short weeks since he vented to Sam and Steve about your clinginess. You didn't take meals with him, didn't cook, work-out, or do anything you used to do together. Sex? Forget it. Dates? Nope. Cuddling? No, you're always 'too hot'. And when he thought about it, he remembers seeing the wads of cash he'd leave for you stuffed in his sock drawer - surely trying to make him think it was just another emergency fund he had hidden. You never spent his money, feeling humiliated by his choice of words.

Clingy...

You didn't text or call him when he was gone, you hadn't even so much as kissed him in what felt like ages... Well, more like you hadn't initiated any kisses...

His heart weighed in his chest as he realized he hadn't even so much as hugged you in days. You were rarely in the apartment together, and when you were, you were just silent and busy with chores. It was as if you operated on the exact opposite schedule as he did, went to new extents to avoid him, and his heart clenched in his chest.

When he got home, you were caught cooking in the kitchen - being obvious that you weren't expecting him. The door slammed and his baritone voice snapped, "Peach!"

You gulped, holding the sauce-covered wooden spoon to your chest. When he rounded around the corner, he found you and slowed down, sighing in relief. "What's wrong?" You worried in a timid tone.

He panted lightly, relaying, "Needed to find you."

"I'm here."

"I know," he relented, charging up to you and engulfing you in a tight, heavy hug. "I needed to talk to you, Peach," he whispered.

"What's wrong?"

"You. You're what's wrong."

"What the fuck does that - "

"No, no," he pulled back to stare down at you fondly, "I don't mean it like that, just that... You're struggling. I can see that. But you're not alone, I'm here with you, and I got a little caught up in my head when I realized someone was so very dependent on me - it fucking scared me. But then... Then you just shut yourself off and hid away from me, and oh, my God, it's so much worse, baby. Don't do that," he breathed, "okay? Don't ever shut me out - don't stop loving me, don't stop talking to me, don't give up on us. I can't read your mind, you can't read mine, it's not an excuse - but we understand better when we trust each other enough to communicate what's required. I'm so sorry I got caught up in myself, I didn't know what you needed - but I'm here now, I'm here - I'm not leaving you."

You collapsed into his chest, taking a shuddering breath.

"Don't ever stop talking to me, Peach," Bucky whispered, kissing the top of your head; keeping you close. "I'm so sorry, baby, if I - "

"If?" You snapped, pulling back to glare at him through your tears. "I heard you, Bucky. I heard you talking to Sam and Steve, and about how clingy I am."

"I was wrong," he insisted. "I was overwhelmed and tired and just stretched thin, the easiest thing to do is attack those closest to me, and that's you. It's not right, it's the worst I could do to you after all you've been through, and I'm so sorry. I was wrong, you're not the person to take this out on - and I'm so sorry, Peach."

You sighed, "I don't mean to be... I don't mean to cling - "

"Nah," he chuckled, caressing your cheek, "you cling as much as you want. Cling as tight as you want, baby, don't let me go. I'm sorry for what I said and the way it made you feel, it was wrong - so fucking wrong of me, and I see that. When you pulled away from me, I just... I couldn't think. It felt so wrong, and I knew it was my fault." He took your face in both palms, promising, "I'm so sorry, Peach."

You shrugged meekly, "It's okay."

"It's not."

"No, but apologizing is a step in the right direction."

He nodded, "What else can I do?"

"Nothing - "

"Peach."

You paused to think, smiling shyly, "Movie night?"

"Whatever my pretty girl wants," he nodded.

"Hmm... Get a bath with me?"

"All right... Sure, okay..."

"And face masks."

He sighed, "Okay."

"And mani-pedis."

"Baby."

"You said you were making it up to me, right?"

He smirked, "That's right... All right, yeah, sure, fine, we can..." He sighed again, "We can do all that, Peach, whatever you want."

"I just want you," you told him softly. "I didn't mean to be so clingy. I was just afraid... I felt afraid everyday, just so very unsure in this life. You're the only thing that makes sense to me, Buck, and when I heard you, I just... I guess I realized how dependent I'd been and wanted to give you space. Last thing I want is to smother you, to drive you away from me."

"Not ever gonna happen," he promised softly. "I just didn't handle it like I should've. I'm sorry, Peach, but I'm here now - for whatever you need. Want me to take a few days off, just be together? I'll arrange it. Want to get away for a bit? We can go."

"I just need you," you whispered. "Only you and I should be okay - I can be okay if I have you, but feeling like I lost you? Even a fraction? Buck... James, it was such a harrowing feeling, I wasn't sure what to do to move forward. So, I think I just panicked, shut down; thought if I could just get back to normal, you'd love me again..."

"I never stopped loving you," he swore, "I just had a bad lapse in my own judgement. Nothing against you, baby. Nothing."

You nodded again, letting him tuck you into his chest; perfectly snug under his chin as he coiled his arms around you. He let out a long sigh, his guilt swelling to new heights, but for that present moment, everything seemed okay.

Felt okay.

Appeared okay.

And you'd both do whatever it took to remain as okay as you possibly could.

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