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vhstown · 4 months

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super short london slang guide !!

i haven't got a scooby doo about cockney so this is mainly gonna be mle and like the way 14 year old secondary school boys talk oookay let's go (just so yk i am a londonder!!!!!)

direct things to call people (or avoid calling people)

bruv, blud, man, mate, fam (can use in replacement of a pronoun like he, she, you and i or for emphasis — "man's got a meeting, bruv!")

more on "man" it can be used in plural too — "us man" or "them man" or "you man"

my g, my guy (for referring someone you are friendly/friends with)

bossman (something you'd call a shop or business owner — "aye bossman get me the 3 wings and chips yeah")

big man (usually used in a sarcastic friendly but kind of demeaning way, the older cousin of "big guy" — "oi big man what you sayin' cuz?"

i wasnt going to put these here cause of personal preference but 😭 people are gonna use them anyway so i might as well tell you what they mean:

peng (adjective cute/pretty — "her? she's peng!")

leng (adjective hot/sexy — "rah, he's leng you know?)

nouns

ting (usually to refer to a girlfriend but can also just mean "thing"... or a knife? — "don't chat to my ting fam!")

grim (very outdated word for a promiscuous woman — "she's a grim bruv!")

skeng (gun)

shank, spinner (knife)

paper, Ps, pronounced "peas" (money)

ends (neighbourhood, area — "if i catch you in my ends yeah")

mandem (group of friends — "having a laugh at the pub with the mandem" aha)

gyaldem (group of women / female friends)

ganja (weed)

blem (cigarette)

pagan/paigon (snitch or untrustworthy person, not a super common you might wanna use "snake" or "snitch" instead)

wasteman (someone who's useless, a lowlife)

pussio/pussyo (pussy, coward)

other common words and phrases

wagwan, or "wag1" in text (what's up, what's going on)

bare (a lot — "i got bare problems with him!")

gassed (prideful, full of yourself — "im actually so gassed, man got promoted"

"and that" (instead of "and stuff" — "i got links and that")

"allow it" (let something slide — "i forgot my wallet allow it bossman")

safe (like "alright cool", or as a bye — "aight safe")

"pattern up" (fix up, get it together)

hard, tight (cool, good, though "hard" is also used in an offensive way — "bro thinks he's hard, pussio")

blam (to get shot, not actually very common to hear in my experience)

sheffed (up), shanked (to get stabbed)

ahlie (used as an interjection when in agreement with something, similar to phrase "am i lying?")

non-mle specific words i hear sometimes

thick (dumb, stupid)

clapped/tapped (ugly, weird, unattractive)

merk/murk (kill, beat up)

slag, sket (slut)

chav (used to refer to someone of the low social status, associated with violent or rude behaviour)

taking the mick, taking the piss (being annoying)

mad (means crazy obviously but people use it a lot, can have positive and negative connotations — "that's mad!")

nonce (literally means pedophile / sex offender, do what you will with it 😭)

dickhead, bellend (similar to douchebag)

wanker (used towards someone you dislike, or in a joking way)

geezer (usually to refer to an old man)

also!!!

depending on which communities are predominant in the area, words from other languages can come in / have come in

some words are common with US slang too because they share origins 😁 ain't that cool

there's a lot of influence from jamaican patois due to the history of british jamaicans in london for ex in words like "ting" or "mandem" or "wagwan" (hence why mle is sometimes referred to as "jafrican") and its not strange to hear "bomboclaat" or "bloodclaat" here either

in communities where there's muslims and arabs (especially in east london) you might hear arabic terms like "wallahi", "khalas" or "astagfirullah" (though people debate whether that's cultural appropriation or not)

south asians have also had an influence with words like "gora" or "ganja" though again this is largely area based and the impact of hinglish is also found a lot outside of london

some people have a mix of different dialects! i mainly alternate between mle and estuary (sometimes yorkshire don't ask it is very easy to pick up...)

you're not gonna hear every single word here all the time the usage varies throughout london. the way north and west londoners speak can be v different for example

uhhhh if you wanna learn properly just listen to some grime or sutn . listen to londoners speak!

for some more resources in-depth PLEASE check out these guides made by other british people ! (one and two)

ok that's it bye bye british ppl & londoners feel free to add on! it is midnight rn so ive probably missed stuff lol... dms are open in case you've got any questions or want any help :p

#vee rants #hobie brown x reader #spider punk #spider uk #hobart brown #hobie brown #hobie brown x gn!reader #british accent #london accent #potential to be edited

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gotatext · 11 months

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𝐣𝐮𝐝𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐬𝐞𝐲 ; ʙᴇᴀᴄʜ ʜᴜᴛ ᴘʀᴏᴍᴘᴛ #6 !

how are you feeling about movie night ? did anything surprise you ?

“ man, movie night was kinda fucked. obviously my clips weren’t great, but… they were all pretty old. like none of that shit i said stills stands. ” apart from the comment about charlene being fit as fuck. obviously that still stands, but you can window shop without wanting to shoplift the store. “ callie choosing frankie’s video was like a red rag to a bull for angel, i know that much. but he’ll forgive her, he’s just being petty about it. ” part of jude feels like angel needed to argue with his girl for a bit, stop making the rest of them look bad. also, he doesn’t really trust couples who say they never fight. what the fuck do those conflict-less couples even do ? cherish each other and shit ? “ for me it was more the shit that came after that surprised me. jenny asked me to be exclusive, which i wasn’t expecting, and while i want it, it just didn’t feel like the right time. we’ve had so much drama this week, i think maybe if that just calms down, then we’ll be golden. ” and also, his fingers were literally inside her. not exactly a story they can tell the grandkids.

what are your thoughts on romi and marcus’s decision to leave ?

“ romi is obviously someone i was very close to, and then suddenly not close to at all, and then after the double date… in some weird kinda in-between friendship thing with. ” jude notes, struggling to outline the complexities of their warped relationship. “ them leaving is sad, but it’s the right choice for her. marcus seemed like a solid dude. for sure i’d like to get to know him better on the outside. ” he’s pretty sure there’ll be no shortage of club promos and big nights on the down in manny or the big smoke. maybe they’ll even make it over to dublin, air bnb it for the night, take a trip around miles’ gaff. feels weird that he’s got this whole new friendship group now spread out all over the place like the british empire in 1919 or some shit. “ they’re definitely gonna be missed, nobody’s arguing with that. ”

are you happy in your couple or do you think your head could be turned ?

“ i’m basically fully focused on jen. i don’t really see that changing, if i’m honest. like yeah, obviously i have good chats with charlene, or adela feels like someone who i could fuck about with and have a really fun time, but since coupling up with jenny i kinda feel over all that. i do genuinely like the girl a lot. i’m not saying it’s gonna be easy, chick lives halfway across the planet but love who you love and figure the rest out. ” shit. freudian slip. “ i mean like who you like. whatever, it’s not…” flushed, jude buries his face in his hands. “ fuck this shit. this is bullshit. i said like. ”

what are your thoughts on santiago and victoria ? are either of them your type ? do you think your partner would be interested in them ?

“ nah, bro. the two of them coming in now just spells drama. D-E-R-A-M-A, bruv. i’m not getting involved. ” maybe he would have given victoria a look-in if she hadn’t snogged jenny right in front of him, but even then she feels like a poundland version of the bird he’s already got. “ santiago’s got some cheek coming in here all photography-guy and shit. that role’s already taken, man ! jog on back to cyprus ! ” or wherever he’s from. jude doesn’t even care. he’s totally not threatened by it at all.

are you grafting right now ? if so, who is at the top of your list ?

“ not really, no. ” jude purses his lips for a second. “ i mean i guess it depends how this week goes. i kinda told jenny i want her to prove she can be loyal to me and shit before we try any of the locked-in bullshit that seems to be pumping it’s way around the villa like a virus, but i dunno. i’ll probably cave before a week’s up, if i’m honest. i don’t really want her having an excuse to cop off with the fit new seven-foot cypriot, you know ? it’s just fun to keep her on her toes. ”

#crackon:prompt

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imolelalade · 2 months

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Timeline of Love 1960

(Alternate title: Me hyperfixtating on the method and time that Nifemi and HB 1960 [her Earth's variant of Hobie Brown] got together)

Small A/N: This is not Hobie from ATSV but a variant of him, from Earth-1960, my spidersona, Nifemi’s Earth, so he might be a bit OC in a few areas. But I take creative liberty in that. This can also count as an ocxcanon to an extent, if you do not like, do not read.

HB 1960 is a British foreign exchange student, that for some reason decided to move to Nigeria to finish up his studies and whatnot (I’ll clean this up later)

Of course considence, considence Hobie ends up in the same uni as Nifemi

(Quick Nigerian schooling breakdown/ I’ll do a more in depth one later 😙)

Primary School- Reception [3-4 years old] to Year 6 [10 years old]

Secondary School- JS1 [11 years old] - SS3 [16 years old]

University [17 to about 21 depending on your course]

Now, now, Nifemi isn’t the type to fall for looks immediately

She feels like that’s kind of superficial

I mean, she’ll look at someone and think ‘oh they’re cute’ but it’s more of a passing glance thing, you know

So you know how HB gets her?

His accent.

Lawd have mercy, this man’s barely understandable thickk Cockney accent has this girl faster on the floor than you can even process.

I’m talking, she fell in love with his voice before she even got a good look at his face

Basically what happened:

Lecturer: Class, we have a new student joining us today”

HB: ‘Ello bruvs

Nifemi: *down bad speechless before this man even uttered his name*

(I can honestly go on a 3k worded rant about just how fine I think Hobie Brown’s accent is but *sigh* sadly, that shall be for another time)

And Nifemi wasn’t the only one who fell for HB

In my opinion, HB seems like that one guy that every girl in school knows about, and has a crush on, but this man, this rat-bastard of a man, is so fucking oblivious to every advance towards him

I’m talking Adrien Agreste level of obliviousness

Like a random girl would come up to him and flirt with him, but it’s like this guy doesn’t know what flirting is

Meanwhile Nifemi is down bad for this guy

I’m talking staring at this man, lovesick, thinking about this boy, down bad.

HB catches her staring a few times and just finds it kind of silly

“You good luv?”

*nervous nod*

“A'ight”

Miss girl is actually pathetic (I love her so much)

Due to a series of paired group projects and whatnot, they eventually become friends and start hanging out.

Nifemi introduces HB to Bolatito (her little sister) and Miles 1960 (Miles variant and Bolatito’s boyfriend) and the 4 of them become a kind of like quartet. (Boom, friendgroup)

Bolatito, of course, IMMEDIATELY knows that Nifemi has a crush on Hobie:

“Look at you.”

“Biko, free me”

“You liiike him”

“I do not-”

“Hey luvs”

“...”

“Ehen. you were saying?”

HB and Bolatito form this kind of big bro and annoying little sister relationship, so basically Bolatito has already accepted him as part of the family in a way (I’ll explore this further later)

And with the law of association, Hobie and Miles of course become bros (Big bro, Lil’ bro in every universe)

So Bolatito just teases Nifemi and HB continues to remain oblivious to everything

That is until:

HB starts to also have a crush on her.

He just finds her adorable

She gets flustered when he talks to her, like she’s a nervous mess b/c remember this girl is with him for his voice. (LAWD HAVE MERCY HIS VOICE, ARRRGGGHHH *actually on my knees right now*)

Plus despite her being closed off in certain areas

she’s sweet and nice and helpful

But she also takes absolutely no nonsense

No, like she would actually start to rage if you piss her off too much or you’re just being a jerk or a bully

In fact, his crush on her soldified when he saw her cursing the absolute shit out of one of those classic uni idiots

Also without realizing it, Nifemi switches to Yoruba when she gets strong emotions, so basically picture this:

We have Hobie that the only time talks to Nifemi she’s sweet and nice and flustered as hell

And now he sees the same girl cursing the shit out of someone in a language he doesn’t even understand

And girly is going off on this guy

“Oloshi, ṣebe you don’t have sense? Mama no born nothing inside that your head, oloriburuku. S'onsiere ni? Ko ni da fun e…”

Girl is bringing out everything in the book and HB is just like: 😳

My man’s down BAAAD

And so Nifemi and Hobie enter the awkward friend phase

With HB liking her and is unknowingly making this girl so flustered, while still being so fucking oblivious and not realizing that she likes him back

And with Nifemi being too shy and emotionally constipated to actually confess, with the mindset of “Why the hell would he even like me back?”, so just continuing to be a flustered mess around him

And Bolatito and Miles just being lovey dovey in the background and lovingly sharing a bucket of popcorn while watching this trainwreck.

That’s where Bolatito comes in

Girlypop is the wingwoman of wingwomen doing all the classic annoying sister shit:

-Making excuses for all of them to hangout

-Inviting Miles over for “double dates”

-Techflower conveniently “disapperaring” at random times leaving the two oblivious idjits alone

-Bolatito and Miles are basically the Alya and Nino of this universe with Nifemi and HB being Marinette and Adrien.

This continues until finally, finally, HB and Nifemi get the hint and finally get together.

And then 4 of them are all a happy, lovey-dovey friend group

Well, at least until Nifemi’s canon event

But that’s for another post

If you’re still here after all my delusions, thanks for reading😘

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confusedwriter404 · 10 months

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𝓐𝓬𝓻𝓸𝓼𝓼 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓢𝓹𝓲𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓮 (𝓞𝓒 𝓘𝓷𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓽)

×~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~× Sneak Peek of the Latest Chapter:

They enter a dark room after getting an empanada from the cafeteria, Frankie already drinking from his can of Cherry Coke. Miles held onto the container and looked around the room.

Hobie walks over to a wall and rips a device off of it. He moves it around his hand and makes it look like it disappeared, showing Miles, "Bet this doesn't even do anything."

"Maybe it did before you ripped it out of the wall!" Miles whispered to him. Frankie notices his art style change back to fit the environment. He walks over to Hobie and puts a hand on his shoulder again, changing his art style and color scheme into a mix of purple, pink, and orange.

"Propaganda, bro," Hobie explains, taking another item from a computer that displayed error screens. "It distracts you from the truth." He passes it to Frankie who puts it in his bag.

"And what's that?"

"I ain't got a Scooby-Doo mate. 'Cus that's what they want."

Morris walks beside Miles and says, "He means he doesn't know."

Frankie scoffs, "You keep saying you don't have a thing going on but then you're here being a replica of Translator boyfriends."

"Because I interpret what Hobie's British sayings mean and with the fact that he's an anarchist while I'm a smartass? Very funny comparison with a Sanders Sides ship," Morris says, sarcastically.

"Why do you want to be a part of this, though?" Morris asks Miles.

"To get a watch," Miles says as if it were obvious.

"Make your own watch," Hobie says, as he leans on a giant wheel. "Bet you-- bet you got a nice setup, huh? Nice parents?"

"They're fine. I mean... We got in a fight but... They just want what's best for me."

Frankie walks backward, takes a look at a device on a table, picks it up, and puts it in his bag. "You too, huh?"

Hobie sits on an office chair, rolling it to a nearby table and resting his feet on it. "That's a bloody shame."

"Why?" Miles asks.

"'Cause you're not ready for everybody else," Hobie says as Miles nudges his legs from the desk.

Hobie gets up from the chair and says, "Listen to me, bruv. The whole point of being Spiderman is your independence."

"Being your own boss," Frankie continued.

"You don't necessarily need all of this," Morris finished the sentence.

"Then why are the three of you here?" Miles asks.

"Looking out for my drummer, medic, and mini-me, is all," Hobie says, taking a gadget that Morris gave him.

"Money for putting my abilities to use," Morris shrugs.

"Just for shits and giggles. Also, I felt kinda lonely back at my place," Frankie says, throwing the now empty can to a nearby trash can.

Miles takes the gadget from Hobie's hand and puts it back, "I want to be in a band. I-- I wanna see my friends and... I need a watch to do that."

They hear Gwen call for them, "Guys, come on."

"Alright. Squashed," Hobie says. He whispers to Miles, "Just don't enlist until you know who you're fighting."

Morris picks up the gadget and puts it in his lab coat without anyone noticing. (Full story!: 𝓐𝓬𝓻𝓸𝓼𝓼 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓢𝓹𝓲𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓮 (𝓞𝓒 𝓘𝓷𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓽) - unnamedwattpadwriter - Wattpad)

#wattpad #hobie brown #across the spiderverse #miles morales #sneak peek #oc insert

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batarangsoundsdumb · 3 years

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Ma’am where is John Constantine in Bruce’s ex’s list? You know they totally fucked

my dude, I was thinking the exact same thing yesterday. but i like to imagine that bruce used to be john constantine’s booty call, but now john knows bruce is batman and bruce is trying to bury every piece of evidence of it before the justice league realises that the two biggest manwhores in the superhero community slept together, while john is constantly reminding him of it so every conversation with john constantine goes like:

john: the scratches seem like the work of a demon, or just an overeager billionaire, right love?

bruce: if it weren’t for my no killing rule you would be dead and eviscerated right now

john: kinky

#the best thing about it is that i don't ship it: i just want them to be exes yanno #i think the ex-booty call or ex-boyfriend or ex-whatever dynamic is superior to any other dynamic #bruce realising he has to talk to john: kids. close your eyes and ears i dont know what this guy is up to #john just planning on annoying batman for a few minutes and then fucking off again: wouldn't you like to know #i think john constantine's overuse of the world 'love' is appaling and should be replaced with the more appropriate 'bruv'#john constantine in the middle of a love confession: and my heart will always belong to you bruv #bruv means bro but in british #if you're gonna make john constantine overly british please let him operate out of a nando's bathroom!!!#dc #dcu #anon #dc comics #legends of tomorrow #john constantine #bruce wayne #batman #bataranswers

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tchaikovskym · 4 years

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I want to use "bruv" to call random people because it is not as meme like as "bro" but also not as intimate as "luv"

#textpost #shitpost #the essence of shitpost #bruv #bro #luv #and by luv i mean the british accent love

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yungisstar1117 · 3 years

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English/London Slang

Heyo it’s ya girl and i’m bored af but also tired of you yeehaw people not understanding wtf i’m saying so HERE’S A LESSON! (Some of this may be Jamaican slang that has integrated into our culture haha)

Most of this is roadman language but- SoUtH lOnDoN TiNgS InNiT

Bruv/Mate/Blud/Fam- British equivalent of Bro

Waguan- British equivalent of Hello, literal meaning what goes on (what g’uan)

B*ttyman- Actually a Jamaican slur for gay people, please don’t use it

Poompoom/ pumpum- British equivalent of pussy

Bruck- British equivalent of broke

Batty/Bunda - British equivalent of ass

Shithead- Pretty self-explanatory

Grass/Snake- British equivalent of snitch

Skunked/Tapped- (Usually said like “Bruv are you skunked?”) are you dumb/crazy/stupid?

Peng/Leng- Usually means pretty, but can be used in other instances

“Ayo did you see Keisha today? She’s looking leng still.”

“That pizza looks leng fam lemme have a bite quick time.”

Still- British equivalent of not gonna lie

Quick time- British equivalent of quickly

Piff ting/Spiff ting- Not commonly used but a pretty girl

May add more or if there’s any people know but don’t know the exact meaning i’m happy to help! Most of these are said phonetically since i don’t usually use this language while typing

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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i saw you sometimes used the word 'bruv' and I always thought it was a mix of luv and bruh but I've just learned that it's simply the British slang for brother/short for bruvva and I'm so let down, bruv. my whole life.. a lie :( btw while I'm here what are your favourite british slang words lol?

jgfkdlfjfkdslz wait this is so gjfkdslfkdslaz......scream...... bruv as a way of saying bro + luv is infinitely better god !!! your brain is licherally in 2065 while the rest of us are still back in 2009 not understanding the TRUE meaning of it gfjdksldz.........*calls you bruv in a romantic way*

to answer your question though hm 🤔 im from the far north so our slang is wildly different than that of like......london.......so these might not be that widespread. but it’s really bad like i use it so much i hate ittt. idk about favourite bc hearing myself say it on camera makes me cringe but ppl point these out a lot:

aye (yeah), haway man (come on, man), bonny (pretty), canny (good), my kid (meaning my brother/sister), radgie (violent person?? lmao), pet (old ppl call u this in a nice way), mortal (drunk), nowt (nothing), yem (home), gan (going), areet (alright), propa (very), craic (banter/jokes), bairn (child), mint (good), daftie (stupid person), hoy (throw.) linguistically we just put the weirdest emphasis on things i think like. what ye uptee the neet - what you up to tonight?

i hate that i could go on but i’ll shut up for now lmfao ! i think we r all just speaking in cursive love <3

#anon #london slang is pretty different some of its used up here but hmm.....theres 2 many accents for such a tiny country

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thelasttime · 4 years

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Madie YOU call your anons bro/bruv all the time, so what does that mean??

bro: y'all are my brothers

bruv: y'all are my british brothers

#asks #asking you this*#anonymous

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vancila · 6 years

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Scott (and flint and rahmi naturally) finding out the vowed ring enemy is also poly and has a wife and gf and bf. Jules picking up on cameron touching the heart tattoo instead of saying anything. Jules' opinion on Lucy about featuring on one gig. Aand Junos thought on Enrique's past on not the straight and narrow and association wit Valac?

byeah

It’s hilarious. Scott absolutely didn’t anticipate running into Romir at the club, not that they’ve really talked about their personal matters whenever they’ve met since their main goal is to beat each other to the carpet. He’s just kind of holy shit bruv whatcha doing here, what’s crackin’ bro how you living, then just laughs when Romir mentions he’s here with one or more partners. You serious, man? Because I’m here with my husband and girlfriend. Romir probably recognizes the nice Indian girl and gets introduced to the quiet British dude he may have seen in matches earlier but didn’t know was Scott’s actual husband. It’s great. It’s all great.

Since Cameron has the habit of wanting to touch or hold something when anxious and words fail he does pick on it fairly soon, probably when cuddling or something and all’s quiet and both are half asleep. So Jules will just ask if everything’s okay, since he’s touching his arm again, then when Roo says that’s everything’s fine he’ll kinda remember that oh yeah, there’s the tat. Alright then, glad to hear. It becomes a bit of a comfort for him too to feel him touch his arm.

She’s probably been around a bit longer (but more rarely) than he has, and he has nothing against her. Nice to meet you, name’s Jules, I play the bass and sing backups. Might flirt just a little but goes no further regardless of her reaction, doesn’t pay that much mind in general, she’s a delight to work with in any case and plays well.

Well, not like she’s entirely innocent herself, given that the clinic is not exactly a legal one and whatever supplies haven’t been donated/bought with donations have been stolen. Violeta is/was a pirate too, maybe the Valac worked with the Raptor at some point. But Juno can definitely see where the pirate part comes in and is admittedly slightly unnerved by the fact Enrique has actually killed people, I mean, it goes against her vow as a doctor, and when hearing about what the Valac did she’s just a bit uncomfortable. She doesn’t mind listening to some escapades if he’d like to tell, but if he mentions killing people she’d rather he not.

#juno doesn't consider herself to be a criminal #just an accomplice #and the work she does to help outweighs the harm #at least nobody should get killed on the heists #oc stuff #long oc thing

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healthylifepage · 5 years

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10 WAYS TO BE A DUFUS AT THE GYM!

FitnessOnToast.com has always been a warm, friendly, inclusive place to share helpful, optimistic, focussed material. Well, NOT TODAY motherfos. This Gym Etiquette 101 post is motivated exclusively by burning rage and shall act as a form of cathartic therapy for me! I go to the gym on a regular basis, between 3 and 5 days per week. I consider the gym to be a shared space in which many people pay a fee to be allowed its use. However, my observation over 15+ years of gymming is that many people believe ‘once I’m a member, it’s my space’. They’re often disrespectful to the equipment, staff and other members, are messy and all too often, just really, really loud – just to name a few pet peeves. For me, I think of it as a privilege to use the gym. Yes, one pays a fee – sometimes a substantial one at that – but it’s not your property, or your private space. The better I look after the equipment, and the more respectful I am to other members, the more enjoyable and easier their time will be using the gym. In return, I’d expect the same consideration from others. So, without further ado here’s my TOP 10 of things that drive me up the wall every single time I go to the gym! Maybe you can relate to a few of them – alternatively, feel free to add your own irritations in the comments section below. I’d love to know if I’m the only one who feels this way.

1) PLEASE HAVE SOME SPATIAL AWARENESS

Yesterday, I was doing some deadlifts and an oblivious meat-head almost walked into me – thankfully my gym buddy stopped him just in time. This is incredibly dangerous; were this chap to have collided with me, I could’ve been seriously injured, as deadlifts can already render the body quite prone to injury – add in a push from an unexpected plane, and it could be game over for your back.

Faya’s considerate tip #1: Whilst it sounds obvious, try to be aware of the space around you. At times, the gym equipment layout is planned badly. For instance, I would personally never place the squat machine near a heavy tracking area where people are frequently running / walking behind you. The likelihood of someone accidentally walking into you is greater. However, space is limited, and compromises are made. People often walk around looking at their phones whilst playing music and aren’t aware of what’s going on.

2) PLEASE BE QUIET

Sounding like a cow in labour whilst squatting is NOT macho, sexy or endearing, and nobody ever found this a turn on. It’s ultimately unnecessary – at times humorous, given how absurdly preposterous it can sound – but mainly it’s just annoying beyond about the 3rd rep. I know that focussed exhalation and deep breathing can be important to maximise oxygen flow and power, and that’s obviously fine, but the level and variety of noises I hear in the gym is a truly ludicrous symphony of dying animal groans.

Faya’s considerate tip #2: Don’t imitate The Hulk when at the gym. Probably no one wants to hear your stupid noises.

3) BRO-HAVIOUR

Shouting out something moronic to your mates across the gym floor? Studies show you’re 100% definitely an idiot. I have to laugh, because this stuff happens all the time, and the laughter therapeutically dissolves my maniacal rage. Typically, it’s a group of guys.

‘No Bruv, I’m carb cycling. I’m on 50 grams innit’. ‘Listen, yeh, you gotta get them CLA’. ‘Yeh Bruv, I smashed out 300kgs – BIG leg day POW.’

Hmmmmm.

Faya’s considerate tip #3:If you’re about to misbrohave, stop yourself, and observe how literally nobody at the gym gives two hoots about how many grams you’re on – probably not even this ‘Bruv’ chap – who coincidentally, seems to be in all British gyms everywhere at the same time. Absolutely everyone just wants you to be quiet.

4) WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!

Now this could be a post on its own… and of course people can wear whatever they want but here are a few points to consider if you haven’t already…

a) Crotch Sweat…

We all sweat, some more than others. In many ways, it’s to be encouraged in the gym. Just remember that certain colours and fabrics show sweat patches more than others.

Faya’s sweaty crotch tip #1 – I recommend avoiding greys and cottons if you tend to sweat a lot. No one wants to see a sweaty crotch whilst you do a stiff leg deadlift, and the likelihood is you don’t want to show it either.

b) See-through Pants

Faya’s visible crotch tip #1 This one mainly goes out to all women. Before purchasing any leggings, check in the mirror… if your pants are even mildly see-through, don’t buy them; it’s a waste of money because under the bright lights of the gym, with a little stretching, you might as well just walk around in your knickers instead and save yourself the £££. Perhaps I’m a prude, but unless I’m running along Miami Beach hoping to catch a tan, or in a Bikram class, whilst in rainy cold London, I don’t train in transparent hot pants and see through sports bra.

c) Men and tight pants…

I swear I could see absolutely every little millimeter of one gentleman’s modesty at the gym last week. The anatomical study of the human body fascinates me – I went to see Body Worlds the other day and it was mind blowing. However, at the gym I only want to see Swiss and medicine balls. Please guys, retain a little sense mystery!

Faya’s visible crotch tip #2 – If I were a gentleman, I would consider avoiding tight lycra leggings and opt for altogether looser shorts or joggers instead. Channel your inner ‘80s dude’ and go baggy.

5) ‘MY TRAINER FORGOT I WAS HERE’

Trainers on their phones whilst training a client – well, this isn’t gym etiquette per se, but I want to throw it in here anyway as it actually upsets me. To channel Mr T, I pity the fool. A client is willing to pay you good money, and you’re on your phone looking at photos of yourself from your last body building competition? This is what gives PTs a bad reputation. You should be looking at your client’s form, correcting their technique, inspiring them, and delivering them the specialism they’ll require to get stronger, fitter, healthier!

Faya’s considerate tip #4: Trainers gonna’ train.

6) CRASH-BANG-WALLOP

Breaking the equipment, and in particular, dropping the cable machine; MEGA ANNOYING. In fact, this is probably what annoys me the most. We all share a space, we all pay membership, yet there is a small group of people who ruin it for everyone else. The cable machine always breaks because some meat-head muppet insists on dropping the weight after every set, therein tearing the cable. This not only confirms the unfathomable nothingness between said people’s ears, but it means next time anyone goes to use the machine it’ll be broken for them too.

Aside from the obvious breakage point (bad!), we often forget about the subsequent lowering of the weight after it has first been lifted.

Faya’s form tip #1: By exclusively pursuing this noisy and dangerous approach of throwing down the weights, the ogre is missing out on a vital part of the exercise – the eccentric phase. Rather than just letting gravity do all the work for you (i.e. where you just drop the weight as if ‘meh’), actually controlling the weight’s passage on the way down delivers significant benefit from a workout perspective. So, have a look at the brief explanation as to what the different phases are below, and then have a think about your own workout technique, and how you might apply it to the likes of press-ups, pull ups etc to squeeze that extra 25% out of your sessions! For more on this read here:

http://fitnessontoast.com/2018/06/18/technique-freak/.

n.b. Faya’s considerate tip #5: Avoid being an inane ogre, by being gentle with the kit!

7) MIRROR, MIRROR, ON THE WALL…

…who’s the vainest of them all? Turns out, loads of people are equally vain at the gym! I understand that for many people, gymming is in itself a narcissitically aesthetic pursuit (I disagree), but endless flexing…checking your reflection after every set in the mirror is unnecessary. It’s been 2 minutes my friend, nothing’s changed – trust me you still look exactly the same. Are you doing it for yourself, or perhaps for everyone else? They probably don’t think it’s cool either.

Faya’s form tip #2: On a serious note, a lot of people don’t know but mirrors are a very useful tool in the gym, perhaps the most important tool. They are there to ensure your form and technique is correct when training. Observing alignment, monitoring pace, overseeing planes… these are all helpful activities involving a mirror. Auto-arousal is not.

8) SHARING IS GLARING

Occupying one or several pieces of equipment for long periods of time is just inconsiderate.

Common scenario 1: It’s leg day and today I’m going to get my personal best on deadlifts. I’ve worked hard on this for weeks and I can’t wait! Only problem is the dude in the gym is doing not 3 sets, but 8 sets…. this is truly ridiculous as it’ll mean I won’t get a chance to do my deadlifts. Of course, in this instance you’d share. It’s something we learn at kindergarten – to share the toys. I could easily do a set IN BETWEEN his sets. That is gym selfishness and totally unacceptable! “ASK!” you say? I shouldn’t have to.

Scenario two: Two friends are training together and rather than share the squat rack they’ve taken two! And refuse to allow anyone to jump in to do a set in between their sets!!

Scenario three: This guy has some sort of Round-Robin circuit going on and has taken three machines which he uses back-to-back and in no way can anyone use them in-between his sets!

Faya’s considerate tip #6: I don’t know, be nice, or something. Just don’t man-spread the gym equipment – everyone needs to use it.

9) TIDY UP AFTER YOURSELF!

Perhaps you’re used to your mum making your bed, but in the gym, once you finish using something put it back where you found it. Thanks guys, walking up to the squat rack the first thing I have to do is remove all your weights! This is super mega inconsiderate.

Faya’s considerate tip #7: Also a little wipe down every now and again doesn’t go amiss. Most gyms have towelettes for precisely this purpose, and even a little sanitising spray. Disinfectant is a nicer thing to see on a bench than a dribbling shiny bacteria-laden slick of perspiration. :: shudder ::

And finally 10) BE PATIENT!

Aware that I currently sound like the worlds least patient gym-goer, but a little bit of patience goes along way. If someone is doing a set, perhaps wait before jumping in to grab a weight right beside him/her. I know myself if I’m on a set, I’m really focused, maybe its PB day and someone skirts in beside me and grabs weight…. It blocks my view of my form in the mirror, interrupts my headspace, breaks my concentration, makes me think about whether they’ll bump into me by mistake… this is all super distracting, so just take a moment and jump in when it’s safe to do so!

Well, that’s all for now. Only another 250 pet peeves left on the list, but that’s enough to start things going…

Thanks for reading my vented-scribbles of fitness frustration, and if you have any more to add to this list, PLEASE PLEASE write them in the comment section below! I would absolutely LOVE to know what ticks you off at the gym, because I’m probably the same too

Faya x

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Wearing: Lululemon Pants & Hoodie, Adidas Ultraboost Uncaged shoes..

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