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corvidiss · 9 months

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idk what this is but courtesy of my brain while i was half asleep last night thinking soft things. woe, brotzly be upon ye

—

“Take control of your life, Dirk.”

Dirk looks at him. “Is that a British accent?”

“I don’t do accents.”

That’s his British accent. That’s Todd’s British accent. It’s brilliant. Brilliantly awful, that is. It’s terrible and it makes Dirk want to jump up and down on the spot lots of times. Instead, he says, “No, I love it.”

And Todd goes… sort of squishy– No, not squishy, more– soft and fuzzy round the edges, like– like a kitten, warming and healing– And then Todd steps up, puts his hands on Dirk’s shoulders and–

Right.

This is, Dirk is aware, what is called “a kiss.” And it’s–

It’s–

It’s not how he expected. Largely due to the fact that he did not expect it at all – but he’s realising, staring at the blurred, headache-close view of Todd’s face, that all those times he’s had Thoughts – of going close to Todd, and, and Being close to Todd, and– general very much Closeness – were all that time quietly keening for this.

And this is…

Well, okay, he’s seen it before, occasionally, in the background, but it’s not like he ever looked closely because that would be weird, and also weird – and it turns out, it’s not– well it’s sort of messy. Kind of. Like– like trying to put two jigsaw pieces together when they come from different boxes and the wiggly bits don’t actually match up, except the wiggly bits are soft and fleshy and–

He should stop thinking about this.

He has, he’s finding out, no idea what he’s doing. Really, really no idea what he’s doing. There aren’t instructions for this, just like there aren’t instructions for anything in any of life which is really quite stupid, actually, but this is extremely very unnavigable and indecipherable and he should get out of this and scuttle away before he makes everything go wrong, but–

Well–

Okay so the thing is. The thing is. Even with the flesh jigsaw and the Not Knowing and the Get Out warnings in his head, even with all of that, it’s, well–

Nice.

Which is weird.

But also, weirdly, not weird. It’s sort of like falling into a shockingly cold pond and then finding, under the surface, right down at the bottom, a little mossy chest of gold you lost when you were five.

Or something.

Todd disconnects himself and takes half a step back. He has an expression which is like expectation, but conditional, and wobbly.

Dirk lifts a finger, opens his mouth, and then discovers that, for once, he cannot think of anything to say.

It’s not that there isn’t anything to say. He feels like there are Many Many things he wants to say but they’re all buried in the static pond at the bottom of his mind and won’t rise high enough to translate into speakable words. So he just. Stands there.

But Todd’s face is sliding towards Fear and Regret with a side of Grilled Concern and he’s taking another step away and something in Dirk Goes Off with a familiar little twing that says This Is Bad, so he steps into the gap Todd put between them and raises a hand and… And realises he still has no idea what he’s doing. So he just sort of puts his pointy finger on the soft bit between Todd’s collar bone and ribcage, and. Smiles.

Todd (thankfully) gets the message.

#dghda #dghda fic #my writing #dirk gently's holistic detective agency #brotzly #i might finish this at some point and post it to AO3 but for now it doesn't feel finished enough to go there #there's More to be Said #question is whether I'll get round to Saying it hfvdsgvgfds

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clockworkcheetah · 4 months

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my fic for the dghda reverse bang 2023 @dghdabigbang! featuring the lovely art of @psychosassicvampire it was a pleasure!

Todd brotzman/dirk gently - 2k - Rated G

#dghda #brotzly #todd brotzman #dirk gently #dghda fic #my fics #dghda reverse bang 2023 #dirk gently's holistic detective agency

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oneprotagonistshort · 5 months

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fic: hopeless, breathless, burning slow

Pairing: Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently Rating: E Words: 5274 Summary: Dirk is so rarely still that he often forgets what it feels like. Even when he’s not physically in motion, the wheels in his head never stop turning; some intrinsic part of him is always listening for the stream of creation like he’s a radio telescope waiting for a distant ping to give him somewhere new to turn his attention.

Inexplicably, sex is the only thing he’s encountered so far that can shut it all down. It’s not just calm, it’s quiet. It’s bliss. Author's Note: Don’t mind me, this is just a horny little treatise on how Dirk experiences stillness, trust, inner peace, and getting railed so hard he forgets his own name. Emphasis on “horny.”

A million thanks to @r-dtoblack for the beta, the way you immediately responded "YEAH" when I asked was beyond validating. I also cannot have an author's note on a Dirk Gently fic without acknowledging that deep down all of this is so @mangoamango will think I'm cool. read on ao3

#dirk gently's holistic detective agency #dghda #brotzly #dghda fic #not me out here finishing the random pwp instead of any of my big projects #if you recognize the title I fucking see you

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rouge-wall-enthusiast · 10 months

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“Let’s get you back to bed”

This is my art for the @dghdabigbang minibang to go with a delightful fic from @confused-android

Stumbling upon the dghda big bang account about three years ago was what made want to me join tumblr, but I’ve never fully participated in the bang until now. It makes me really happy to finally join in and I really appreciate the mods for putting it on this year!

Image description in alt text

#dghda minibang #dghda art #dghda #brotzly #brotzly art #my art #dghda big bang #yay! so happy!#confused androids fic will be coming out tomorrow and I’m excited for y’all to read it!#lots of sweetness from these too with a healthy dose of pathetic dirk #❤️❤️❤️#also if anyone wants to know what my bathroom looks like now ya know

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generalized-incompetence · 1 year

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“I give up,” says Todd. “I can’t do this.”

“Me, too,” says Farah on the other end of the line. “This is impossible.”

“What were we thinking,” says Todd.

“I have no idea,” says Farah.

“This is way too much.”

“How does anyone do it.”

Todd stares in despair at the Valentine’s chocolates in front of him, six shelves high and two rows deep. “Valentine’s Day,” he says, “sucks.”

(Read on AO3 here)

Farah sighs heavily for about the fifth time in the past ten minutes. It is both of their first non-single Valentine’s Day ever, and they are both panicking about it, for unrelated reasons. Farah is panicking because she’s always panicking, even though Todd has told her twelve times that Farah could show up on Tina’s porch with half a Snickers and Tina would probably propose. Todd is panicking because he’s a used gum wad of a human being, and he is trying not to be, and part of that involves celebrating Valentine’s Day like a thoughtful boyfriend who can do normal things like buy chocolate without wanting to set himself on fire.

“I don’t know what you’re worried about,” says Farah, in a tone that comes off as accusing. “Whatever you choose will turn out to be exactly what Dirk needed.”

“Your girlfriend is an empath!” says Todd. “She won’t even care about the chocolate, she’ll just get, like, love vibes –”

“Stress vibes,” Farah mutters.

Todd throws up his arm and accidentally knocks off a soccer-patterned box, setting off a domino effect with the boxes of Reese’s nearby (does Dirk like peanut butter?) (does Dirk even like chocolate?) (shouldn’t he know this?). “She’ll like anything you get her,” he says, attempting to restack the boxes, talk to Farah, and have a minor freak-out about whether Dirk has a secret peanut allergy, all at the same time. “I promise.”

“Even Valentine’s Ding-Dongs?” says Farah with deep skepticism. “Actually, never mind, she would love Valentine’s Ding-Dongs. She would think that’s hilarious. I would never hear the end of Valentine’s Ding-Dongs.”

“Then get her the Valentine’s Ding-Dongs,” says Todd, who has somehow also managed to topple a whole box of pink teddy bears.

“I can’t get her Valentine’s Ding-Dongs!” says Farah in near-hysteria.

Todd settles the last of the teddy bears back on the shelf. “This is stupid,” he says. “We’re being stupid. Tina would eat anything here.”

“So would Dirk!” says Farah.

“Maybe your store is better than mine,” says Todd, frowning at a box that says “Love ya!” in what looks like Comic Sans.

“I really, really doubt that,” says Farah.

Todd wanders past a shelf of dog-patterned boxes, a shelf of cat-patterned boxes, and a shelf of confused holiday boxes bearing everything from American flags to St. Patrick’s Day shamrocks. He could choose about seventeen things Tina would love, starting with a chocolate Ken doll and ending with the “Love Ya!” comic sans. All of them would probably kill Dirk. Farah definitely knows all of Dirk’s nut allergies, and has compiled them into binders, while Todd is out here manslaughtering his boyfriend on the most romantic day of the year. “What if,” he says, “we swap?”

“Swap stores?” says Farah.

“No, swap people. Like, you buy something for Dirk, and I’ll buy something for Tina.”

He holds his breath. She hasn’t said no yet. He is sure she would, if they weren’t both so desperate, but they passed last resorts three hours ago and are rapidly running out the overtime clock.

“It’s not,” she says slowly, “the worst idea.”

“They don’t have to know,” says Todd. “We can even get cards.”

“Oh my god, I forgot about cards,” says Farah.

Todd waits while Farah mutters to herself on the other end. He hears her moving around, presumably towards the cards aisle, and then a sharp intake of breath and an increase of muttering. He is pretty sure the cards aisle took a good fifteen years off his own life.

“Okay,” says Farah. “Fine. Let’s swap.”

—

“Todd!” says Dirk, a few hours later. “This is perfect!”

They're at Todd's apartment, because Todd's attempt to make romantic dinner reservations fell victim to a fixed dinner menu of over $100 per person. Todd has also failed to buy flowers, since the chocolate fiasco took so long that the florist closed, and between panicking about the flowers, panicking about the restaurant, panicking about the chocolates, and panicking about his hair, for some reason, he also forgot to write a card.

It is, in other words, a disaster. And it has every sign of getting worse.

Todd attempts to lean over the sofa and see what Farah bought (and wrapped, and labelled) without making it obvious that he has no idea what it is. He got Tina a teddy bear with heart-shaped sunglasses and a bottle of wine with the most neon label he could find. He did not wrap it. Dirk gave him a solid chocolate guitar, and also some hand cream, which he hasn’t explained.

“Um, glad you like it,” Todd says.

Dirk tosses the rest of the paper aside and starts tearing at the plastic. Farah has selected a box of truffles (assorted) that promises flavors like habanero, dragonfruit, and, confusingly, “blue.” It is perfect. Todd wishes he’d thought of it. He wonders what Dirk would have thought of his best option, a box of milk chocolates with a shark. Dirk is far within his rights to break up with anyone who romances him with a shark.

The plastic quickly follows the paper, along with the lid and its labels, of course. “Mmm,” says Dirk, surveying the options. “Which one is habanero, do you think? Cover my eyes, Todd, perhaps I’ll get lucky!”

Todd doesn’t deserve to cover Dirk’s eyes. He doesn’t deserve to be within six feet of Dirk. He is a squashed milk chocolate of a human being, and he has to come clean, so Dirk can break it off now.

“Mmph! Banana,” says Dirk, who’s given up on Todd’s indecision. “Here, you try one! Open wide!”

Todd is wallowing in too much distress to respond to Dirk’s waggling eyebrows. He opens his mouth to come clean and is rewarded with a striped yellow chocolate. It’s habanero. Of course. “Dirk,” he says, his eyes streaming and his throat burning up. “I’m sorry.”

“Yes, well, you should be,” says Dirk, crossing his arms in mock indignation. “I quite wanted to try that one. Come closer, perhaps I can taste the traces –”

“No, Dirk,” says Todd, pushing Dirk away. “Listen. I didn’t buy you anything.”

Dirk frowns at him. “Of course you did, you silly thing,” he says. “It’s right here.”

“No,” says Todd. He thinks his tongue is swelling up. “Farah bought it. I couldn’t decide. I didn’t know what to get you. I’m - I’m a terrible boyfriend.”

Todd’s eyes are watering too much to see what Dirk’s face is doing. It’s an accidental mercy. At least he saved Dirk, whose spice tolerance is zero, from this wretched fate.

“Are you saying,” Dirk says, “that you panicked in the store, and you couldn’t think of a thing to get me, so you recruited a friend to help you choose your boyfriend’s gift?”

It sounds worse to hear it in Dirk’s voice. “Sorry,” Todd says again.

“Todd,” says Dirk after a second, and then bursts out laughing.

Todd wipes his eyes. Dirk is rocking back and forth with laughter. Todd rescues Farah’s chocolates from sliding off the couch and tries to decide if this laughter is real or hysterical. “What?” he demands.

“I’m a terrible boyfriend,” says Dirk. “I called Amanda. That’s where the hand cream is from, I didn’t know about it till you pulled it out.”

“Is that,” says Todd slowly, “why it says ‘for your crusty-ass cuticles’ on the bottom?”

“Does it really?” says Dirk, choking on laughter. “I’m so sorry - I probably should have checked –”

Todd sinks back against the sofa. “I hate Valentine’s Day,” he says.

“Oh, darling, don’t say that,” says Dirk, snuggling up next to him. “Look, we’ve managed to be terrible boyfriends in the exact same way - that’s romantic, isn’t it?”

“I guess,” says Todd doubtfully.

Dirk leans his head on Todd’s shoulder. “My best option,” he confides, “was a box of chocolates with a black kitten on the front. It looked rather like Hammerhead. I was hoping I’d find a shark to go along, but apparently Safeway doesn’t consider that romantic.”

Todd plays back the sentence in his head. Then he lets out a groan. “Dirk,” he says, “I almost bought you shark chocolates.”

“You found them?” Dirk yelps. “Where? Do you think they’re still there?”

They are hopeless, Todd thinks. This is hopeless. But maybe they’re the right kind of hopeless together. He pulls Dirk closer to his side. “Let’s go tomorrow,” he says. “They’ll be on sale.”

“Excellent point, darling,” says Dirk, and kisses his cheek, and Todd thinks, maybe Valentine’s isn’t so bad, after all.

#dghda #brotzly #dirk gently #todd brotzman #dirk gently's holistic detective agency #dghda fic #my fic #my favorite disasters <3

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h3rmitsunited · 2 years

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playing mash the fandoms together and thinking about dirk gently in sandman universe and like okay thematically it makes more sense to have dirk and the holistic being the endless, like bart as death... mona as delirium... rowdy 3 as destruction... maybe Francis as destiny... dirk I guess would be dream because they're the main guy but like dirk isn't really dream esque...

And like if we're going brotzly about it right then we gotta stick them in dreamling which means it works so much better in that sense that dirk is hob and todd is dream (with Amanda as his knows too much sister) and dirk is this vibrant death defying kind hearted kinda stupid guy who wants to be this weird grumpy guys best friend and todd is like nah this is just to win a bet with my sister we're not friends and you're going to be begging to die once you realize how shitty being a human is so I'm not going to try anyways

Except dirk somehow, despite all the weird shit that happens to him (and it's a lot because he's still holistic and todd dream is like... destiny must have fucked over this one because I didn't have anything to do with any of that stuff) and the bad stuff he still wants to live and he still wants to be his friend and something happens idk they get into a fight a la 1889/pier scene and dirk thinks he has fucked everything up and something else happens and todd gets his dumb ass dumb brain rocked and realizes oh shit I can be friends with this guy and actually like... I kind of like him a lot

But then also also also if endless dirk... blackwing = burgess mansion right... like trapped 100 years in the basement with some assholes that want things from you that you can't give them and he's just waiting and waiting and waiting and like Dirk has the range, like yeah he's got his fun and wacky cartoon moments, but he's got anger in him, protectiveness, so much sad (smacks roof* this guy can fit so much trauma) and also then we could have the todd/hob saving dream fic trope where todd breaks dirk out of the mansion

Feel like I'm having big brain moment. So much potential

#dont expect a fic. i am so behind on every wip i have that i cannot do a sandman au #maybe ill get some art or something though. ive been on full art block writers block for like two months #it has SUCKED #um but also like if you add your ideas onto this i will love you forever. i just want to ramble about these two shows #i know its not a perfect mesh of them but like theres enough there that it is a fun concept i think #dghda #dirk gently #dirk gently’s holistic detective agency #the sandman #the sandman au #dghda au #brotzly

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littlestoneinspace · 3 months

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Sketches for fic

#brotzly #todd brotzman #dirk gently #dirk x todd #dghda fanart #dghda #dghda fic #sketch #dirk gently's holistic detective agency

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goatyoat · 2 years

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The neurodivergent experience is having two of your special interests forcibly merge themselves together, and being absolutely not in control of any of it. Of course, it’s exacerbated when you’re an artist/writer as well.

#this post brought to you by:#my brain!#it decided to bring me the concept of a dghda/brotzly fic written in the stylings of Disco Elysium #and unfortunately the second i had the thought i knew it would not let go off me #so uhm #keep an eye out i guess #textpost #artn't

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corvidiss · 1 year

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It's DGHDA words time baybee

Sound of Nothing More Important

we were searching… for something – what – who? – i can’t remember – something… important…

but i’ve found you. i’ve found you!!!

there you are!! standing on the dance floor, hands up, smile out, reflection of my ecstasy– i must tell you. I MUST TELL YOU – you changed EVERYTHING - and i will never be the same - and people are not small - and you are here - and i am here - and we will always be here - and that’s AMAZING

and you look at me – gripping my arms like i save you from drowning – and your eyes bloom, lit pink and bright, lit up with life, like you have never ever been happier and your words ring in kind, your voice honey-rich with things i cannot hope to describe, like the ocean swept up and swallowed me, enveloped me, plunged in a turning tide too fast to ride, too huge, unfathomable, to read, yet deep and deeper in its endless sea i am warm and safe and i am home

something important. i am important to you. i am important to you. i am

and there is more. more! she comes to us and she opens her ribs just as we opened ours and we reach in and entwine, all hearts en-vined and bound and she is with us one of us we are freaks WE ARE FREAKS!!! we are freaks!!! and we are home

and we are home

there are. sounds. music, probably, but everything is music here. there are voices, too, churning all around in flights and fits of glee, their bodies move as nodes of heat and mass in our periphery

we are here. our hands are wreathed, entangled minds, our braided hearts, our lives so alive here we are. close, and closer, wrapped in arms and words, our eyes unstanding, too much to see, too much, too much to ever truly see, so close them, hands are all we need to breathe to link and love and live and breathe; and there we are, all somethings in the seething sea, important, once, important now, important to each other and so we matter, always, and we are home.

The morning comes groggy. We have moved. No, not as we felt – though our hearts were moved, our feet were, also, it seems. We’re not entirely sure what happened. But it was good, I think.

#dghda #dghda fic #poetry #my writing #brotzly #behold!! vika made me do it

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clockworkcheetah · 2 months

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the proposal fic! aka todd is dumb for almost 7k words

todd brotzman/dirk gently - 6.8k - rated T

#dghda #brotzly #todd brotzman #dirk gently #dirk gently's holistic detective agency #dghda fic #gentlyman #my fics #this is 70% todd being dumb and angsting 25% snuggling and 5% ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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dykebarbie · 23 days

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i really need to read a brotzly fic where todd keeps getting put into rom-com scenarios with dirk and it trying to fight them as much as he can, but the universe just will not let up

#im imagining more of the resistant version of todd at the beginning of s1 #i just think it would be so funny #dirk gently #dirk gently’s holistic detective agency #todd brotzman #brotzly #a sydney original

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urlocallesbiab · 1 year

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ok folks, inspired by This Post (thank you for inspiration and ideas, @agent-p-94/@generalized-incompetence!), i present to you:

brotzly fake dating couple's therapy au; in the form of tumblr messages/a campfire story/an unwitten fic rundown

me: the thing is, they'd PASS

within 10 minutes of knowing each other they'd get so PISSED OFF it'd fill up an entire therapy session

just "YOU NEVER SHUT UP" and "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME" and "I'VE NEVER MET A DUMBER PERSON" and "I'M SICK TO DEATH OF YOU CRITIQUING MY MUSIC TASTE" and "YOUR DRIVING SKILLS ARE GOING TO GET US KILLED I SWEAR TO GOD" nonstop rapid-fire with therapist barely able to squeeze a "gentlemen, please!" inbetween

and then they'd stumble out of the building and LAUGH, laugh so hard they'd be clinging to each other near falling to the ground, todd croaking that this is the best stress-release activity he'd done in YEARS, dirk clutching his stomach and crying and highlighting the best of todd insults

both would admit this is the BEST first date ever and schedule the next therapy session

every time they'd spend like 10-30 minutes getting to know each other better, and then full 45 just kvetching, sometimes just YELLING at the top of their lungs to their hearts' delight at the therapist office

agent: The best of Todd insults!!! Omg

They just argue nonstop anyway it's just a space to do that

me: and one day dirk would bring in rings, just plain metal ones (but no one has to know), justify that well, if this is a marriage ruse we might as well up our game, right? but he'd be weirdly skittish and self-conscious about it, like he's overstepping an invisible boundary; but todd would be *down* for it — he would be down for most of dirk's stupid bullshit, it's been so long since he's done any proper good shenanigans, since his life was even half this fun!

and then he'd try on the ring and laugh again because it *doesn't fit*, and dirk would get half-jokingly defensive that he didn't know his size!!, and todd would let him take the measuremnts (bc for what purpose would he know his own ring finger size), and dirk's breath would catch holy and uncomfortably

next time, dirk would get him a good, fitting ring, and it'd make weird things shift in his stomach

agent: OR it would be the RIGHT size, holistically

And he's like well I have to wear it now

And maybe they actually stumble upon something real in the middle of it - Dirk is going full monologue about the dishwasher and he says something and todd stops yelling back and looks unusually affected and is like wait...really? And then they just stare at each other for a minute and Todd is like ...I never knew that. And then they stare some more. And then the therapist is like ummm our time is up? I'm just gonna... Go? And then they're really quiet on the drive home but the next morning they have a new understanding

me: DIRK LETTING HIS TRAUMA PEEK THROUGH AND TODD ACCEPTING IT WHOLEHEARTEDLY

it's silent the whole ride, but just before he drops dirk off (dirk had been BANNED from the wheel since their first date/session) he goes "so, this..... [dryly, as not to disturb, sums up dirk's thing] it's real?"

dirk, usually so talkative, just helplessly shrugs, then shakes his head at himself, then somberly nods a few times, confirming that yes.

todd puts a hand on his knee and goes "dude. this is messed up. i'm so sorry."

dirk just nods some more, tearing up, because even though the words are simple, he's never heard anyone say them, never dared to share, and it hits him so deeply and painfully to be finally validated

he stumbles home, and cries for the whole evening, and feels lighter than usual afterwards

agent: The tragicomedy of falling in love with your own husband...........

me: i think for WORST results they agree it's just a fun platonic thing for shits and giggles before they meet up for the first time

and like, in the therapist's office they're this TERRIBLE couple who HATES each other, and outside of it they're just two guys being dudes, and romance, even fake, exists only in glimpses and doorways, and when the pit of longing opens, there's utterly nothing to stuff in it but stolen glances.

farah is the same therapist's normal patient with actual mental health issues she's trying to work through, and when they meet her in the waiting lobby for the first time they UTTERLY FAIL to convince her that their shtick is real, so they resort to *begging* her not to sell them out, and even though she's really on the fence about the whole thing and is unsure if it's morally okay to do, she gives in to dirk's Professional Puppy Eyes

after a while she gets unashamedly invested and demands they fill her in on the newest lies

maybe in one of dirk's bluffs/"attempts to hone the backstory" he invites himself to todd's apartment to better learn his habits and where he lacks in his homesteading

("well, when do i get to learn what chores do *you* fuck up?" todd asks playfully

"oh, just all of them!" dirk answers nonchalantly

in truth, he just doesn't want todd to see his barely lived-in, depressinly dirty short-term rented apartment. in the time dirk's been here, this city hasn't started feeling any more like a home.

in truth, dirk posted that stupid craigslist ad on his first week here, drunk and lonely and in mood for hijinks and out of his mind desperate for human connection; todd was actually looking for some simple one-off jobs to earn some quick buck, but couldn't resist a Stupid Idea when it dangled itself in his face)

todd gives him a quick tour, dirk half-heartedly criticizes the 3 dirty dishes in the sink and the mildly overflowing laundry hamper, and then for most of the evening they drink beer and play card games with todd's trusty ratty 10 years old deck that misses a jocker and a two of hearts (they decide to forgo the twos altogether) but overall is fine, dirk teaches him a couple of weird local games he'd picked up over the years, then tries to do card tricks but gets half of them wrong, they laugh a lot, todd makes grilled cheese, dirk says that if they ever feel the need to add a dash of appreciation into their sessions — just for some contrast and zest — then he'll admit that he *adores* todd's cooking, todd smiles bashfully and says man that's just some grilled cheese it's not that big of a deal

they pass out on the couch together, and dirk wakes up with a sore neck, sour mouth, and entangled limbs, and feels so at peace and right, and doesn't move, wishes for todd to sleep for longer, just so they could stay like this

then they find out todd doesnt have a spare toothbrush, so dirk has to make do with some gum while todd apologizes profusely

todd's got a shift in the late morning, so they do an awkward half-hug with back-patting, and dirk leaves

when dirk's getting himself a late breakfast at the corner store, he almost buys himself a toothbrush to keep in todd's apartment; then discards the thought; then buys it anyway, but tells himself it's a spare one for his own home, for when he'll need to throw the old one out. he never brings up the toothbrush thing around todd.

also he thinks it's a shame he couldn't brush his teeth, because then he could've kissed todd without worrying about bad breath; he discards that thought even quicker and farther

during one of the sessions, todd accidentaly makes a comment that actually gets to dirk, that makes him feel self-conscious and inadequate and upset

after they've done for the day, dirk asks if this is how todd *really* feels about him?.. todd says no, of course not! all of this is in good fun, just a friendly yelling match. he'd never say *anything* with an actual intention to hurt dirk; now that dirk brought that comment up, todd's never going to repeat it

"you seem like a good guy, you know? i genuinely like you," todd says

dirk feels very very warm

and maybe they sometimes spend time after the sessions too, and sometimes even on free days, just hanging out, relaxed and having fun, enjoying the company

and maybe one day it goes a little too well, and dirk gets a little too brave, and admits to todd that he's started feeling some kind of romantic interest, and asks if he would maybe like an actual date some other time

todd snaps at him.

tells dirk that he's only seen glimpses of todd, that these joke-sessions and little hang-outs show almost nothing of the real him, that he's a *mess*, that dirk doesn't know what he's getting himself into and should back off, that todd's a horrible person who's not worth the trouble

dirk tries to get to him, but todd gets even more defensive, even more closed off, pushes him away, makes that awful painful comment he'd promised he wouldn't say.

they don't show up for the next session.

dirk mops by the building on the scheduled day anyway, because he dislikes his routines disrupted when it's not him doing that, and because he's got nowhere to go, and because he secretly hopes todd will come around anyway (he doesn't.)

he meets farah after her actual session: she's had a Bad one today and is distraught, and dirk suggests they get hammered together. farah thinks it's an unhealthy coping mechanism, but after all of 15 seconds of deliberating she agrees

then she cries into his shoulder about her family and expectations and failed police exams and that she's a *failure* and will never get better, and he shakes her by the shoulders and near-yells that she's AMAZING, and fuck her family, and all cops are bastards anyway! she gets affronted and mentions her brothers and father, then realizes those people Are fucking bastards, then laughs and agrees with dirk and cries some more

dirk spills his entire conundrum, start to finish, only 5 useless tangents for the length of the whole thing which is not too bad of a ratio by his own measures, and farah tells him that todd's bullshit is Bullshit, capital B! if therapy taught her *anything* is that any person is capable of change ("you don't need to change yourself though," dirk pipes up; "YEAH, IM FUCKING PERFECT!" farah answers triumphantly), that this is just stupid excuses for excuses! (yeah!) and if dirk thinks that *farah*, with All her failures and fuck-ups, is not a lost cause (of course not!), then neither is todd! (damn, you're making a point!)

they swap some more personal stories, farah almost has a lesbian crisis in front of him but decides to throw up instead, and they leave the bar mostly in good spirits

dirk sleeps all of it off, but the next morning, even though Severely Hangover, he is no less determined.

he stakes out todd's apartment building (he did drop him off the first time; and even though he doesn't remember the adress for shit after all this time, he Luckes Out [after stubbornly cruising the general area for two hours straight])

and confronts him. tells todd that their friendship has been meaningful for dirk, no matter how little todd might think of it. (todd winces. he doesn't say it, but all of this was close to his heart too; he never meant to come off like he did, save for coming clean as an asshole; he *does* care about dirk, rather unreasonably much.) that dirk doesn't ask todd to give *him* a chance, but give *himself* a chance. that no person is irredeemable.

todd is eerily quiet. he invites dirk in, makes him some tea. sits silently at the table for a few minutes. and then, it all spills out: what he'd done to his band, to his *sister*, to himself; what a true actual hopeless horrible Asshole he is. he gets almost angry halfway through, voice rising, — either at dirk or at himself, it's not clear. dirk sits it all out. tells todd that is isn't the worst it could've been. todd begins to snap at him, but bites his mouth, and just buries his head in his arms, hiding. his head is so very heavy. dirk gives him a small solemn lecture about how past perfomance is not a predictor of future results, how it's never late to just *stop* being an asshole. how he's dirk's friend, how he's been kind to him, and dirk trusts him to continue to be kind, to build his life forward. ("*kind* to you? after i'd said that [hurtful thing] — the second time, *deliberately?" todd is bitter and baffled. "i forgive you for it. that's what friends do." dirk says like it's obvious). dirk places his trust in todd. todd struggles to process all that, he just lies on the table neither crying nor breathing; dirk talks to fill up the space, and to make good use of his trust. he tells todd all about his childhood trauma, in great, visceral detail, like he's pulling his guts out; he starts crying halfway through. todd hugs him really, really hard, and doesn’t let go for a while.

todd promises he'll come clean to amanda. dirk promises he'll start looking into therapy for his cptsd. they promise to each other they're friends, best friends.

they come in for the last fake-session with that therapist, just to tie a pretty bow on this whole thing: to tell them they're finally getting divorced, and will not require their services anymore. poor person breaks with an actual heavy sigh of *relief*.

dirk starts seeing a new therapist — not this one, thankfully; farah recommends him an old one she used to work with. she couldn't quite find a good rhythm with him, but she thinks he might be a nice match for dirk. he ends up being exactly that.

todd isn't yet ready for therapy, and dirk is accepting of that. amanda's not talking to him anymore, and he's *not* taking it in stride, but he's holding up as best as he can, and dirk holds his hand through it.

they do have an Actual Date with Romantic Intenstions — it goes remarkably well, even though they bicker for half the duration of it. it's all in good fun <3

they don't wear the rings anymore, but keep them as a memento; both feel weirdly sentimental about them. dirk does finally buy a new toothbrush for himself to keep in todd's apartment.

farah does end up having a lesbian crisis in front of her therapist, the one that todd and dirk have been torturing. poor soul.

#dghda #dirk gently's holistic detective agency (tv 2016)#dghda au #writing #vika's personal dghda tag #vikarambles #dirk gently #todd brotzman #brotzly #farah black #<- only a bit tho; but she's plot-important!#long post #I Guess #fake couple's therapy brotzly au

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generalized-incompetence · 1 year

Text

“You were the one who wanted to come to this ball," says Todd, crossing his arms over his ten-year-old, ill-fitting suit, "and you already want to leave? Come on, man."

Down below, couples spin and twirl across the polished floor. Chandeliers throw glittering light on velvet carpets and stately portraits. More to the point, a whole table full of champagne glasses rests against the far wall, next to stacks on stacks of enticing hors d'oeuvres.

Dirk fidgets with his cuffs. "Want," he says, "is rather a strong word."

(Read on AO3 here)

Todd sighs for the eighth time in the past three minutes. "Well, it was your idea," he says. "And I wore this dumb suit and everything, so the least you can do is go stand against a wall and drink champagne for thirty minutes so you can tell the universe you gave it a good try."

He reaches for Dirk's wrist to pull him down the sweeping staircase, and Dirk, unexpectedly, pulls back. Todd frowns at him. Dirk doesn't meet his eyes. Todd wants to sigh again. Dirk hasn't shut up about this stupid ball since they broke into their suspect's office three weeks ago and found the invitation on gilded letterhead. He had a whole suit fitted. He's been blaring waltz music constantly. He went on about forks and place settings for so long that even Farah begged him to stop. He'd been his normal blithe self the whole ride here, waving the carefully forged invite at the doorman with nary a care in the world, but as soon as they'd gotten close enough to see the string quartet, he'd done... this.

"What," says Todd, "is wrong?"

"Nothing," says Dirk, unconvincingly.

Todd leans against the wall in anticipation that they may be here a while. He mentally bids his hors d'oeuvres goodbye. "Is this a universe thing or a Dirk thing?" he says. "Are you… nervous?"

Dirk glowers at him. "Don't be ridiculous," he says.

Todd struggles very hard not to say that he is not the one being ridiculous here. Dirk sticks his hands in his pockets and takes them out again. His suit looks... Well, it looks like it's been tailored specifically for him, because it has. The effort Todd is exerting not to have an opinion on this is definitely not contributing to his current level of annoyance.

"Do you want to stay here and I'll go?" he says.

"No," says Dirk quickly. He glances up at Todd and back down again. "I don't -" he says. "I don't know --"

In a flash of understanding so potent he might as well be holistic, Todd completes the sentence: "You don't know how to dance."

Dirk chews his lip, which is answer enough. Todd takes a slow breath and flexes his hands. Dirk knows so many things: the square root of pi; seventeen species of sharks; how to order spaghetti in five languages. But there's so many things he doesn't know, too, so much Blackwing has taken from him: Saturday morning cartoons. Cereal brands. How to ride a bike.

Dancing.

Todd makes up his mind. He slips his hand down Dirk's wrist, intertwining with Dirk's fingers. "It's easy," he says, pulling Dirk down the stairs. "I'll show you."

Dirk comes with him this time, and before Todd knows it, they're on the dance floor, just at the periphery of the swirling crowds. It smells like flowers and perfume, and the quartet is starting up a new waltz, and Todd has never in his life pictured himself at an actual, honest-to-God ball, but here he is anyway. He tugs Dirk closer to him, placing a hand on Dirk's waist. "Put your hand on my shoulder," he instructs, "and... follow me."

Todd is not the world's greatest dancer, obviously, but he can follow a beat, and waltzing is just three steps. Dirk stumbles over his feet, and then over Todd's, but Todd just keeps leading them around the edges of the floor, and eventually, he feels Dirk relax.

"Not too bad?" Todd says.

"Mm," says Dirk. He's still staring intently at his feet, though he’s got the steps down pat by now. Todd feels an inexpressible surge of fondness, followed by a tempting idea.

“Maybe,” he says, “one day, you’ll be good enough to even look up from the floor.”

Dirk huffs and jerks his head up, and Todd immediately spins Dirk out under his arm and back again, laughing at the shock and surprise on Dirk’s face. “What was that for?” says Dirk indignantly as Todd steadies Dirk back in his arms.

Todd shrugs. “Thought you could handle it,” he says, grinning. “Was I wrong?”

Dirk frowns, his face flushed, and Todd knows he’s caught between telling Todd off and proving him right. “Again,” he demands, and Todd complies.

And…

The instant he lets go of Dirk’s waist, time seems to slow, light flashing off the glass chandeliers brightly enough to make Todd blink. The universe shifts minutely around him, and when he opens his eyes again, there’s something different. On the first spin, Dirk nearly tripped; he bumped into Todd’s arm on the way out and in, and he took several steps to get his footing back after. This time, he doesn’t miss a beat. At the furthest extension, he even reaches out, head tilting like he’s doing ballet, eyes half-lidded and a smile playing around the edges of his lips. Todd’s heart skips, and then Dirk is back, not looking down now, confident and sure.

Dirk’s smile slides into something cocky and self-satisfied. “I suppose you were right,” he says.

“You cheated,” says Todd, when he can say things again.

“Slander!” Dirk gasps. “How does one cheat at dancing?”

“Universe dancing skills don’t count,” says Todd.

“Todd,” says Dirk smugly, “the universe doesn’t work like that, as you well know, and if it did, I doubt dancing skills would be at the top of my wishlist. Firearm skills, perhaps. Hand-eye coordination in general. Though, in all fairness, I have solved several cases by the application of judicious tripping, so perhaps poor coordination is a skill in and of itself. Would that fit on my resume, do you think?”

“Why do you need a resume?” says Todd, and then, “Well, you did something, because - oh, shit, there’s Danvers.”

Dirk gasps as Todd quickly rotates to show him, and the next few minutes are spent in targeted waltzing towards the target. Todd is barely leading, Dirk inventing or remembering new steps on the way, and it’s probably fortunate Todd can pretend to concentrate on the case, because he can’t pretend to be normal right now. Dirk’s hand is burning a hole in his shoulder, and Dirk’s waist feels so right beneath his palm, and Dirk in full form, beneath the crystal lights, is so striking, Todd can barely stand it. He gives up on breathing or thinking and just lets Dirk do what Dirk does best, which is to go where the universe takes him, with Todd awestruck in his wake.

They confront Danvers, and there’s a dance-off, of sorts, and the hors d'oeuvres table is upturned across the floor. When all is said and done, the jewels recovered from the chandelier, both of their suits are in tatters. The guests have all fled, the quartet abandoned ship, and the rescued champagne long since flat. But when they leave the mansion triumphant, Todd knows the case isn’t what he’ll remember.

“Gosh, my feet ache,” says Dirk, flopping down on the curb. “I knew I didn’t have suitable footwear. Remind me to break in my shoes before our next ball.”

“Next ball?” says Todd.

Dirk looks vaguely surprised. “I assume so,” he says. “I’d no idea you were such an accomplished dancer. You’ve been holding out on me, Todd.”

“Me?” says Todd, pulling exasperation on like a faded sweater. “You’re the one who hid upstairs for an hour and then won the…” He’s not saying dance-off. “Whatever that was.”

“Mm. I learn fast.” Dirk nudges Todd’s shoulder. “But I learned everything from you.”

It is not fair, Todd thinks, that Dirk’s face can do this. It is not fair when Dirk melts into this smile, radiating more emotion than Todd hopes to deserve. It is not fair that, scratched and grimed-up in a suit ripped beyond repair, Dirk still looks better than anyone else at the ball. “Thank you,” says Dirk softly, and Todd has to turn away.

“Yeah, well,” says Todd, his voice thick, “just doing my job.”

“Mm,” says Dirk, and leans his head on Todd’s shoulder, and Todd doesn’t know what this means but he would do anything to make this last. “You’re a good partner, Todd,” says Dirk, and Todd doesn’t even have the heart to make light of the apparent promotion. He just grunts, and shifts to accommodate Dirk’s head, and hopes Dirk knows some of what he feels.

Eventually, Farah comes running back out, in far better shape than either of them. “Alright, we’re square with the police,” she says. “Ready to go?”

Dirk stretches upwards. “I’m starved,” he says. “Dancing really takes it out of you. Anyone up for milkshakes?”

Farah blinks at him. “You dance?” she says.

“Obviously,” says Dirk, heading towards the car. “Don’t you?”

Farah looks at Todd, who just shrugs. “Always full of surprises,” Farah sighs.

“Yeah,” says Todd, following Dirk with a smile. “Yeah, he is.”

(Tagging @glittter-skeleton and @mowi0205 for your lovely and inspiring ballroom art <3)

#dghda #brotzly #my fic #dirk gently's holistic detective agency #idk if this does what i wanted i think it's a little uneven but here is a thing!! <3 #if bart can dance with her best friend then dirk can go to a ball #for Case Reasons obviously

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