3.5 weeks until the year-mark of me leaving my ex-spouse in the midst of emotional and physical chaos.
This time last year… I think I was helping my bro move out from my parents’ home… denying how bad my life was. I was unemployed but working unofficially over the weekends at an art job (something that was holding together my sanity). I was severely burnt out. I was “happy” being married and in 2-5 loveless relationships/situationships (including my ex-spouse) where I didn’t feel appreciated, loved, emotionally connected to, sexually satisfied, seen, or my auDHD needs were even acknowledged (let alone met with the bare minimum). Most of them weren’t malicious but they were all selfish whether they intended it or not. None of them would have kept me around if I couldn’t entertain, teach, or get something out of me. I CHASED all of them… none of them loved me.
That’s how bad my perception of my self-worth was - I did what I always did: I pursued and was in relationships where the other person didn’t care enough to meet me halfway. None of them took their own self-growth seriously. They were all dissociated from life with their own ego, drugs, and trauma.
And I was too scared to show them or tell them what my boundaries/expectations were because I didn’t want to lose any of that. They would have absolutely left. One of my exes was already hurting me with emotional manipulation, and I know they don’t see it that way - they’d rather not even talk about it and (get this) forbid people from hanging out with me if those people want to be in their life. I treated that enby with so much fucking respect and care… and they turned on me the minute I started dating someone they didn’t like AFTER WE BROKE UP.
I honestly didn’t think I could do better.
I also dissociated with my own ego, drugs, and trauma.
I had accepted a false sense of safety from everyone while pushing away reliable people from my life.
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Honestly fuck sparrow and his relationship with his son, give me that fucking sibling drama content.
I wanna know what went down with Hero and Normal, like with everything we found out in this episode it made me realize. That Hero is like the only person that Normal knows and has met personally that he hates BEFORE FINDING OUT ABOUT THE DOODLER (even the people I would say normal hates know it’s like morally bad people) . Like what the fuck happened. Genuinely, like he never explains why he doesn’t like his sister. And he doesn’t seem concerned that Hero is out maybe fighting the mayor/mayors supporters by herself. Like he was even worried about Scary after she helped Willy kill a man.
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when I was 19 in 2019 I got these Vibes about 2023, it wouldn't be good or bad it would just be a Significant year
2020 was so bad that 2021 could only be better, it started good and then I got paranoid that 2022 was gonna be bad in comparison, so I mentally prepared myself for 2022 months in advance
then by the summer 2021 suddenly became worse than all of 2020 combined, but it improved by about september
bc of the mentally preparing myself months before, 2022 was amazing, but bc it started so good I got the feeling that it wouldn't end well
the last 4 months were pretty bad, and then came 2023
I got many different vibes for it over the past 4 years, but one of the main things was that there'd been a pattern going since 2015
2015: extremely good
2016: extremely bad
2017: average
2018: pretty decent
2019: extremely good
2020: extremely bad
2021: average
2022: pretty decent
so 2023 was expected to be really good? but also it had to get up from 2022's bad ending so the goodness was gradual
my brain is prepared for a good last 4 months to compare to 2022's bad last 4 months
but also following the pattern, 2024 should be extremely bad, and once I've got the thought in my head that a year will be bad, there's no going back. which would explain the extremely bad year following an extremely good year
2015 and 2019 were unreal, which meant 2016 and 2020 would've looked bad in comparison no matter what, so they just completely gave up and decided to be awful
but anyway it's 'getting paranoid about next year' season, also I can never escape the patterns of time etc etc
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i’m not one to vague post so i’m gonna say this under a read more but like . . . i can’t be the only one who experiences this right ? ? ?
so like , you know when all your mutuals follow & interact with someone & you see them everywhere on their blogs so you think ‘oh hey, they must be cool’ so you follow them & they never follow back so ur like ‘well that’s a bummer, but i get it.’ so u unfollow them, but then you have to continue to see them on ur mutuals’ blogs and hear about how great they are and you just forever wonder what was wrong with your blog that made them not follow back . . .
just tumblr rp things ✨ like i’m not ? ? ? really that bothered bc like , hey nobody HAS to follow everybody back but . . . it’s also not nice getting it thrown in your face every day y’know ?
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I really have no interest in being part of a homogenous family unit where everyone ‘tows the line’ and follows some bullshit narrative about the supposed ‘image’ of who their family is or pander to a dominant relative’s fragile idea of themselves.
I actually think it’s healthy to challenge family members and check each other’s tendencies, in a loving and constructive way. I find family hierarchies really dogmatic. As a queer woman with quite conservative (as in sheltered, traditional) family, having my own space and creating a healthy family environment is super important to me.
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*fighting through trauma spiral brain and repeating through clenched teeth* I am in the business of good faith. If someone is off or rude when it is uncalled for I will give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are having a bad day and I won’t hold it against them. I will instead respond like they were neutral and move on. I do not need to shame myself or others. I am in the business of good faith on behalf of both of us.
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not to be a cunt but i do have a slight superiority complex because i've been through things that would make the average people kill themselves. if someone comes up to me, and say they've given up or they dont think of having a future, chances are i would mock them behind their backs. like, when i was a kid even my extended family and some of my neighbors THINK i wouldn't be able to finish elementary school because my mom and dad is a poor fuck up and i was a freak autistic little kid who cant afford a textbook. like, talk to me about hopelessness when even your own relatives see you as a baby and think you cant do the bare minimum. like, i do think im better than some of my friends.
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Tips For Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
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