#brain likes it when numbers go up

[inkskinned]

it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.

yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.

it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.

how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.

chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?

how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.

"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.

i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.

#writeblr #warm up #i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books #(just started book 4) #and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!! #(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. ) #anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild #but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild??? #so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning #and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go #anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct #i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers #i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page. #here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once #it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because #when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area. #i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that #a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN #who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends #i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!

[b4kuch1n]

one string is all that I need

#Hatsune Miku #VOCALOID #or rather #piapro characters #Hatsune Miku Single String Ver. #<- yep that's the fan module I made for fun last year #the thing is. only half a month to go until it's mid autumn. and every year I try to draw something for the occasion #I just. started early this year... for some reason...... #well I mostly just wanna draw Her lmao. because the pokemon/miku voltage stuff is still being released and Im feelin the effect #and this year's magical miral design is so fuckign good.... thank u to miku artists. especially LAM and rella #as is always the case with this module the instrument/weapon (lol) she uses is a heavily stylized đàn bầu! #and I just realized while drawing this and looking at the ref sheets that I never detailed the pluck lmao #to be fair. usually its just like a piece of. anything #commonly bamboo or bone or plastic. shaped into a longish fingernail shape. its really the way u hold it that matters iirc #but yeah I spruced up the OG design for the instrument in this one lol. this is actually like my original vision I think #I really wanted to make that thing beast shaped. but I Just figured out how to properly stylize it when I designed the module #and! I did say this on stream but I am genuinely very proud of that design! that was genuinely big brain of me! so #future instrument variants will still probably base heavily on that general shape and principles lol. I'm playin in this space its MY muck #also I switched the number on her coat from 39 to 01 bc it's more on theme thats really it. nothin else to remark on there lol #and! once again based the dragon head on the lý dynasty dragon rather than later iterations. thats why the nose fin and no whiskers #and the metal nozzle is kinda supposed to call to mind a temple bell. not super sure i got that across well #but the rim design IS historical! I thiiiink early lê dynasty. just on ceramics instead of on bronze lmao #anyways thats it. I had fun colorin this one! kicked my ass a bit but I think I hashed it out mostly okay #have a good night lads! thank u mid autumn moon cakes for being bad to eat and sponsoring my late night drawin. and remember: #u only need one. but never say having more doesn't make it easier

[stardestroyer81]

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if we got an 8-Bit Animaniacs game...

#⭐ Star's Art ⭐ #Animaniacs #Animaniacs 1993 #Yakko Warner #Wakko Warner #Dot Warner #The Warner Siblings #Aseprite #Sprite Art #Coolness #Rule Number Eighty-One: If I find myself with a new hyperfixation... I WILL draw sprite art for it. #And Animaniacs is certainly no exception! #You might have noticed I steered clear of referring to this piece as an 'NES-styled Animaniacs title screen' #And that's because I know I'll more than likely get a comment that this isn't accurate to the limitations of the system #Which is true. Initially I set out for this to BE NES styled before it ended up as something better... #My own spriting style! 💙✨ #Granted I still used both the NES and NTSC NES color palettes to color this piece #When you're not going by strict limitations... a piece of this caliber becomes a lot more fun to draw! #I'm half tempted to do a SNES-styled logo of the 2023 iteration of the Animaniacs logo. I think that would look neat #I'm also very much open to spriting a V2 version of this logo as I understand there's a version with Pinky and the Brain too #I think there's just enough pixels for me to make it work! #P.S. - I still don't know when I'll start posting on the regular again. Just wanted to get this piece out since I had it on me

[fleouriarts]

feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole

#hivemind tv #riley savage #graydon weaver #hmfcu #quadeca #jane remover #eden burke #my art #2023 #fanart #doodles #its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online #doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself #and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling #and come back and then the cycle repeats #its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard #so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)' #NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here #and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out #and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave #i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style #idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment #i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one” #or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it” #sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse #whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m #friends for a while i think #woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography

[theragamuffininitiative]

I watched the doctor donna specials and I have emotions. Also I kinda love fifteen. Also none of those plots made sense but they were still good lol.

I just love the Doctor and his bestie Donna so so much. 😭 she got a happy ending after all 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 and so did he alkdlrfkleldd 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 ok I'm normal I'm fine.

#ragamusings #the doctor donna #doctor who #tenth doctor #fourteenth doctor #donna noble #also how many times was the doctor mortally wounded/dying while wearing that face #bc i feel like it's an alarming number of times #partially bc of his whole crisis about not changing lol but still #anyways if you're david tenant why would you want to change fr #THE HUG FIFTEEN GAVE HIM #like kinda weird to be hugged by yourself but also like fifteen is not himself really? #the bi-regeneration thing is hurting my brain #but it's like the doctor knew he couldn't keep going with all that history and pain holding onto him #so he shed that part of himself in the kindest way to let fourteen heal slowly #albeit while fifteen got the fast track on therapy bc of it lol #don't even look at me about donna i love her so much #i'm so glad she is back to being whole both with her memories and with who she made herself to be since #and now she's made a home for herself and her bestie #also mel???! mel coming back what joy mad auntie mel #and wilf 😭😭😭😭😭😭 my beloved #ok normal normal i'm normal #i was so mad when nph showed up though lol why

[quietwingsinthesky]

what if. Amy “fix-it” because hallucifer makes sam so paranoid about dean leaving for no reason that sam gives in and follows him and is witness to the whole thing

#hallucifer: wow. big brother really trusts us. (beat) so something’s up right? we know it’s never this easy. #sam: (visibly restraining himself from saying shut up. about to grab his scar.) #hallucifer: (aware he’s about to be banished) don’t listen to me if you want but. I’m just trying to help. #don’t blame me if you look in the papers tomorrow and find a obit for your brain-eating girlfriend. and… what was her kid’s name again? #sam: (touching the scar. not pressing down. face all screwed up.) || hallucifer: :3 it’s not like it’ll hurt anyone #if he really does trust you he doesn’t even have to know we’re following him. *and* you’ll know your brother still trusts you. #even when I’m here. maybe he won’t even punch you again. that still hurting? #sam: (grimace. because yeah. it does.) || hallucifer: door number two - he thinks you’ve lost it and he’s going to stab that woman to death. #so what’s it gonna be Sam? ready to gamble your friend’s life on if Dean gives a shit about your opinion? #[and that’s the point where sam goes to follow dean. still doesn’t talk to Lucifer. not there yet. but oh hallucifer is sooo pleased with #himself about this. because he’s Sam. and he picks up on what Sam doesn’t. and he could see all of Dean’s little giveaways that Sam was #turning a blind eye to. and now here’s the perfect opportunity to put a wedge between them and get sam to trust him more <3) #GOD. FUCK. IM UPSET NOW. WHY WASNT HALLUCIFER IN THAT EPISODE. MOST OF THE EPISODES? #such a good fucking concept. squandered. #anyway. idk if sam saves Amy but he DEFINITELY here’s Dean’s little speech to her about how she can’t change. #hallucifer with faux sympathy like (sigh) damn. well. i always told you what he was like. Michael. Michael-sword. no difference. #both of them want us dead the moment we step out of line. #and Sam just frozen there in horror with Lucifer’s voice sinking in. and he believes him. how can he not. with dean proving him right #hallucifer #spn #sam winchester #amy pond

[goldkirk]

It is so incredible to be able to leave a situation, center and ground myself, and start recovering my energy, mental focus, and peace within minutes to an hour. What other people said or did wasn’t about me, I behaved well myself, I let things roll off as much as possible during the situation, and as soon as it was over I started doing nervous system first aid. What a difference living this way makes. Life is so much more peaceful when you actually protect boundaries, keep perspective, and care for yourself while properly in tune with your needs.

#right now I need slow breathing and Enya #yesterday I needed two hours straight of EDM and jump dancing #and I clocked BOTH of those things so my body and brain are much happier #I could’ve been burnt out and stressed and partly dissociated this weekend #but I’m NOT GONNA BE #and it was that simple. just knowing what to do and checking in with myself #frequently enough to know when I need it. #imagine if I learned how to do this in grade school!!! I’m so happy some kids get to grow up like this #and have the freedom and tools from their caregivers to actually do it right too #that number of kids is increasing every year and in a couple generations it’s gonna be a LOT #we’re so fucking lucky guys #we get to be alive at a real turning point in how humanity views and treats small humans #and how those small humans behave and live when they grow up #the world is going to become so much more beautiful #and it’s already pretty cool despite the unresolved anger and pain most of us currently live with #personal #trauma recovery

[vampiremansionpoolboy-moved]

going insane over the fact that happiness and care and concern and love is underneath every interaction between newt and hermann in pacific rim

#HEAR ME OUT. they’re introduced and newt and being a groupie and behind him hermann is all huffing and rolling his eyes and shaking his #head but he’s Not Angry. no. he jumps to defend newt albeit in a somewhat mocking and sarcastic way BUT THE THOUGHT IS THERE. and then when #hermann is rambling on about numbers being the handwriting of god newt is in the background smiling and laughing and making silly #hand motions and yes the hand motion was a bit mocking BUT THATS THEIR WHOLW THINF. anyways i’m not done. when newt drifts with the kaiju #and pentecost is there talking to him and hermann and newt r yelling back in forth u can hear the unease and shakiness in their voices and #especially the frustration in hermanns. he’s frustrated abt newt risking his life and is worried abt that which translates out in anger. #and yeah maybe he’s salty abt being proven wrong too lmao. BUT CONTINUING ON. stacker could have just told newt to go to hannibal chau and #he would have done it. but instead they watch the film of him on HERMANNS computer as HERMANN controls the computer to look at the film. if #thé film was shown it was for a reason. newt doesn’t seem like the type to need reassurance abt chau before he goes. he was willing to die #for his trash drift. and stacker gave him the card and info so there’s no need to do anything else. the video is most likely there for the #viewers but it needs a reason to be there in the show. hence my reasoning that HERMANN asked to see it out of concern for newt who would be #doinf this alone. hermann demanded to see some proof to reassure himself. stacker having the card on him makes sense. him having that bulky #tape doesn’t. meaning hermann pressured him into leaving getting the tape and coming back to show him. anyways one more bit. so the drift. #hermann is clearly scared out of his mind and thinking abt the impending triple event. yet he still drifts with newt he does it to protect #him to take part of the neural load. and it takes a toll on hermann it makes a big enough mess of his brain that he ends with him bleeding #and shaking and sweating and coughing and throwing up. and he knew it would take a toll. he knew it would be a lot he’s seen the jaegers. #he’s seen what happens. he knows it will be rough. he knows it’ll be much worse for him who wasn’t drifted then for newt who has. yet he #still does it to help newt and to show his care and trust and concern and love and THEYRE DRIFT COMPATIBLE U DONT UNDERSTANDABLE HOW #EMOTIONAL I AM OVER THIS FUCKING OVER THEM #anyways one last thing. the way that they full body slapping each other on the back bear hugged when the throat collapsed (they were behind #herc and tendo so it was a little hard to see. i missed it the first time) in pure adrenaline happiness before we see the quiet tender hug #when they know everything is over for good (for now at least) when it’s time to celebrate when it time to think abt their drift and their #bond and their relationship and their LOVE. i’m so ok abt them rn actually #toad.txt #i wish i wrote this in a keep reading bit and not the tags now. anyways #pacific rim #pacific rim spoilers #newton geiszler #hermann gottlieb #newmann

[ethosiab]

just wanna say thank u so much for feeding us smalletho boat boys lovers in these trying times with all your drawings 🙏 they are beautiful and i love and appreciate each and every one of them

Awww you're welcome !! I've been having a ton of fun with all these drawings even though we technically lost the poll and im glad you're liking them too :)

#asks #ily-grian #i am loving and appreciating you back because half the reason im able to do all theses drawings is because people are liking them #and it fills my goblin brain with draw juice when i see the numbers go up /silly #jansuno

[hella1975]

something specifically shitty about IN THE MOMENT as the conversation is happening knowing you're in the wrong and you're being a cunt and continuing to do it anyway

#like yeah im being a bitch. im lashing out because of an insecurity. i dont know how else to be though #hiiii im dadposting again <3 i feel bad bc YES i have so so much bitterness towards my dad #but he is genuinely a nice man. like i had this thought the other night that he is such a good kind soft man. he just isn't a good father #and the tragedy is he COULD HAVE BEEN if he'd just SHOWED UP but he DIDNT and that's that im twenty childhood's gone #we're never getting those years back my brain has developed without a need for him and now im angry. whatever #but he's still good. he's still kind. so he'll do stuff to try help me and i just am so horrid about it #and i FEEL myself doing it i literally have a voice in my head going 'i know you've interpreted this as him condescending you #but you know that isn't the case so stop lashing out' and i literally CANT because id rather be angry than insecure #bc it all goes back to pride and shame with me EVERYTHING always does #like im so convinced my dad thinks im stupid and useless and can't do anything myself at my big age etc #which is why im SO hard on myself when shit goes wrong like not just bc of my dad like i have a general fleabagesque position in my family #of being the trainwreck one that fucks up all the time so when shit goes wrong (like my rent or my walls) it hits me 10x harder #than it logically should bc i can just FEEL my dad and sister going 'yeah well that's hella for you' #and my dad got the autistic ticky boxy numbers brain neurodivergence and i got the adhd scatterbrained neurodivergence #so for admin stuff he tries to PARENT me bc he's my DAD but i just completely reject it even though i KNOW he's not being mean #like he literally just said to me in his nervous as fuck voice bc he doesn't know how to talk to us #'remember to sort phone chargers out because the sockets are different in america' that's it. that's all he said. just looking out for me #tell me why i BARKED OUT 'i KNOW dad it's MY TRIP stop hounding me about things ive got it sorted' #in the SHITTIEST tone you ever heard. ugh i cant even be too angry at myself bc he has blame here too but it's a shitty feeling #to know i always have that propensity for cruelty even now. idk. im just thinking thoughts idkkkk hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii #hella goes home

[tao-lay]

GOSH LINK NEAL

#i know we've heard this fact somewhere before #tjat he was number one in his class #but fuuuuuck #hearing it again makes me go JSKSJFKSFHKF #VERY FERAL #LIKE OH MY GOODNESS #MY LINKYPOO IS A SMART MAN #HE IS BEST BOY #BY ALL MEANS #AND I JUST #i'm a sapiosexual so just djdkfkjdirfidhskzbflgo #espeicially when it coems to math??? #my brain loses focus because i TOO love math #anf for someone else to love math and be GOOD in math just as much as me??? #FUCKING DELICIOUS #I WANT TO GOBBLE HIM UP #derryn being whipped hours #derryn ranting about her niche obsessions #oh my linkypoo #i love you linkypoo #gmm

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out) #we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

[hawkpartys]

my iNaturalist achievements from Wild Achievements

highly recommend checking them out. RIP people who hate gamification but I’m different

#hawk noises #autism brain likes it when numbers go up #inaturalist

[britneyshakespeare]

throughout the series of drake and josh it pretty consistently implies that josh nichols is a christian (josh peck is jewish) and in the finale of the series helen (played by yvette nicole brown, not jewish[?]) is portrayed as a practicing jew

#i dont have a problem w either of those things necessarily i just find it interesting #if i had to guess. drake and josh was a mainstream that didnt wanna touch on religion generally #but josh was kind of a dork and usually when josh's religious beliefs are implied it is in dorkish ways #such as praying and thanking the lord after he has his first kiss. #but since dan schneider is jewish perhaps he wanted to make helen have a jewish wedding in the finale? #not that there needs to be a reason. but u do notice occasional jewish-related jokes in d&j but none of them are what you could call #offensive. in good faith that is. 'eric is a pacifist' 'i thought he was jewish?' like come on #text post #i have been rewatching drake and josh recently and i have had so many thoughts #im almost done. i just have left that stupid dance episode that they premiered last for the stupid reason #of a special dance-themed premiere night in fall 2007. they premiered the third episode of icarly and a new zoey 101 on the same night #which i think is so stupid. they should've aired really big shrimp last. it messed w my understanding of the series at the time lol #i remember not really knowing that the show was ENDING. like i knew icarly was starting & miranda was doing that #i thought really big shrimp was like just another special like go hollywood. #and then like two days later they premiered the helicopter episode for some reason #and i was like why is drake not famous in this. he just had a number 1 song in a superbowl commercial #and then a month later the dance one. which. if anything is satisfying about that as a final episode it's just that #that unnamed girl from the blues brothers episode who is obsessed w drake shows up again and congratulates them #and the very final line of the series is 'who is she?' because. because really who IS she? #that's a funny enough throwback to wrap things up with i suppose #drake and josh wasn't a highly serialized show so i can see how they could air those after the intended finale and act like it didn't matte #but i have to tell you it did fuck with my brain a bit at the time. lol. i still think of those episodes as having 'happened' after #and on paramount plus those episodes are still placed after really big shrimp. the injustice #but thats kinda messy. what a weird way to end such an influential and popular sitcom #season 4 had a few lowpoints while still also having some VERY solid episodes. #idk. ill have to continue my series review another time im getting way too longwinded here #helen dubois is jewish

[scarah-screeeaaammss]

made a little purchase yesterday bc friday was..... well let's not talk about Friday lol and I had some coupons applied plus this ghoulies were already cheaper than usual so I got these and the Howliday Clawdeen for only $57 lmao Clawdeen will be here Thursday!!!

#draculaura #lagoona blue #monster high #monsterhigh #mh #my dolls #dolls #my first lagoona!!! shes got the good hair bless #idk about drac yet tho i havent opened her bc im just so unthralled with goona #unthralled?? enthralled my god brain brokey today #anyway i had mild buyers remorse for a sec bc 57 dollars is a lot but considering the original price just for clawdeen. #yea im not too broken up about it lmao #personal #anyway i was at spirit on friday and it was just the fucking worst. ive never had so many people be that rude to me ever #one bitch got in my face accusing me of 'forgetting' to give her her receipt #when she was the one who walked away without it so..... bitch. anyway. good thing im smart and kept the fucking thing just in case #that was the worst person probably but also the number of times people asked me a question #and then id answer #and theyd go but could you check?? #like girl they are going to give you verbatim the same answer #i hate people sm #but im done with customers for the season!!! #so i decided to treat myself >:3c

[boyghcst]

I rlly wanna be able to not smoke weed but I just dunno if I can honestly. Like I’ve been sober maybe for a week or two before last year and I felt happy w myself I went that long but I also was in England visiting my family so I didn’t have any left to smoke anyway

#but I just struggle to stop #I end up smoking again and bc all my friends smoke i can’t say no bc i like getting high and doing it w my friends #but i lit smoke everyday even when I’m out i end up hanging w friends and smoking #it’s prob been like 3/4 years now I’ve been smoking #ik its not good for my body or mind #I do kinda wish there was somewhere I could go like a local MA bc I do rlly struggle #but it’s like part of me is just too scared to be sober and have to deal w thoughts and anxiety and depression etc #I am visiting my mum and stepdad again soon so I’m planning to only bring a little and then try detox #but I just know it’ll end up smoking again when I get back and hang w friends #and it’s not their fault or anything I haven’t communicated it and I don’t think I will bc ik deep down tht would cut it off completely #like I technically could delete my dealers numbers but then ik ill end up asking for them again bc I just do tht #I’m so bad at saying no and being impulsive and making bad decisions it’s like my brain just dgaf #idk how ppl do it fr #I don’t believe when ppl say weed isn’t addictive tbh bc it defo has been for me #journal