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manifestingspaghett1 · 11 months

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“You can never put it back together like it was.“ - Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

#bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd splitting #bpd journal #bpd diary #borderline personality traits #borderline #borderline personality disorder #borderline blog #borderline problems #haruki murakami #kafka on the shore #literature #traumacore #ventcore #bpd coping

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im-notapiece-ofcake · 2 months

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don’t leave me please

i thought he was going to leave me yesterday and it felt like a hole ripped open in my chest and i could barely breath

#bpd thoughts #bpd vent #vent post #bpd journal #tw vent #personal vent

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just-a-nightmare · 1 year

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17/12/2022 - Entry 2

ᴛᴡ: ᴍᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴs ᴏғ sᴜɪᴄɪᴅᴀʟ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ᴀɴᴅ sᴇʟғ ʜᴀʀᴍ.

ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴍᴏsᴛ ᴛᴏᴛᴀʟʟʏ sʜɪᴛ.

ɪ ʜᴀᴅ ᴀ ғɪɢʜᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍʏ ᴅᴀᴅ ᴛʜɪs ᴍᴏʀɴɪɴɢ, ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ɪ’ᴍ ᴠᴇʀʏ ɪʀʀɪᴛᴀʙʟᴇ sɪɴᴄᴇ ɪ’ᴍ ɪɴ ᴘᴀɪɴ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ʙʀᴇᴀᴋᴜᴘ.

ᴀɴᴅ ɪ’ᴍ ᴀʟsᴏ ɪɴ ᴘᴀɪɴ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜɪs ғᴜᴄᴋɪɴɢ ғᴇᴇʟɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ʙʀᴀɪɴ, ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪᴛ’s ғᴀʟʟɪɴɢ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴏʀ ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪᴛ’s ɴᴏᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴍɪɴᴇ ᴏʀ ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪᴛ’s ʙᴇᴇɴ sʟɪᴄᴇᴅ ᴜᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀ ᴋɴɪғᴇ.

ɪ ᴡᴀs ғᴇᴇʟɪɴɢ sᴜɪᴄɪᴅᴀʟ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ᴍʏ ᴘᴀʀᴇɴᴛs ᴜᴘsᴇᴛ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴍʏ ᴅᴀᴅ ʟᴀsʜᴇᴅ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴀᴛ ᴍᴇ.

ɪ ᴄᴜᴛ, ʙᴜᴛ ɪᴛ ᴡᴀsɴ’ᴛ ʜɪs ғᴀᴜʟᴛ, ɪ ᴊᴜsᴛ ғᴇʟᴛ ᴛᴏᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ᴘᴀɪɴ.

ᴛʜᴇɴ ɪ ᴡᴇɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴠᴇᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴏɴᴇ ᴏғ ᴍʏ ᴄᴀᴛs, sʜᴇ’s ғɪɴᴇ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋғᴜʟʟʏ. ɪ ᴛᴏᴏᴋ ᴀ ʜᴏᴛ ᴄʜᴏᴄᴏʟᴀᴛᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴡʜɪᴘᴘᴇᴅ ᴄʀᴇᴀᴍ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍʏ ᴅᴀᴅ sᴏ ᴡᴇ’ʀᴇ ʙᴏɴᴅɪɴɢ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ.

ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ғᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇsᴛ.

ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴠᴇɴɪɴɢ ɪ ᴡᴇɴᴛ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀ ғʀɪᴇɴᴅ ᴏғ ᴍɪɴᴇ, ᴡᴇ ᴡᴇɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋᴀʀᴀᴏᴋᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴛᴏ sɪɴɢ. ᴀғᴛᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴋᴀʀᴀᴏᴋᴇ ᴀ ᴛᴇʀʀɪʙʟᴇ ʟᴀᴄᴇʀᴀᴛɪɴɢ sᴇɴsᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ʜɪᴛ ᴍʏ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ, ʟᴇᴀᴠɪɴɢ ᴀɴ ʜᴏʟᴇ ɪɴ ᴍʏ ᴄʜᴇsᴛ.

ʜᴏʟʟᴏᴡ, ʜᴏʟʟᴏᴡ, ʜᴏʟʟᴏᴡ.

ᴛʜᴀᴛ’s ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴀᴍ.

#actually bpd #bpd diary #bpd journal #bpd #bpd problems #bpd mood #bpd feels #joyel’s thoughts

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neurodivergenttales · 3 months

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Nobody talks about how hard it is to face people again after you've had an episode in front of them

Once they've seen you do full-force into self-destruct, they always look at you with a sense of wariness and like you're not the person they thought you were

The shame makes me want to rip my skin off

#mental health #mental illness #sadcore #bpd problems #actually bpd #journaling #bpd vent #bpd thoughts #bpd #bpd stuff #actually borderline

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thedevilprince · 5 months

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I hate getting close to people.

The more attached I am, the more unstable I become.

But... I can't handle being alone either.

It's agony no matter what I do.

#bpd #bpd vent #actually borderline #borderline pd #borderline personality disorder #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #actually bpd #original posts #dp's journal #dp's vents

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septic-child · 11 months

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#my journal #actuallyabused #twtwtw #actually traumatized #actually abused #seriouslysurvivor #traumacore #ventcore #cptsd #ptsd #vent art #trauma art #ok to rb #tw blood #bpd

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gloomypixiie · 1 year

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naofaun · 5 months

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It's normal to feel jealous. In friendships, relationships, whatever. Jealousy is a very normal, very human emotion and most likely, it's telling you that a need of yours isn't being met. But sometimes jealousy just shows up randomly and makes itself known for no reason. Maybe you have the happiest relationship possible and you still get jealous. Maybe all of your needs, and more, are being met. That's okay.

Never be ashamed of jealousy. Never be ashamed of anger or sadness or fear. These emotions are not “bad”, there is no such thing as bad emotions. You cannot be completely free of them, and they do not inherently mean you or the other person(s) is abusive.

Listen to what your mind is telling you. If you're jealous every single time your friend hangs out with someone that's not you; why? Are you scared of your friend liking the person more than you? Are you scared that you're not worthy of your friend's time and energy? Are you scared that maybe the other person secretly hates you and plans to turn your friend against you?

Whatever it is, its okay. Don't listen to people telling you that “non-abusers don't get jealous”. Because they do. It's just about how they handle the jealousy. If you listen to your body and figure out the underlying fear or insecurity, you're already doing way more than most.

Sometimes you can talk to your friend about that fear. Sometimes you can explain to them that you feel afraid when they hang out with other people because you're insecure. Do not ever make it out to be their problem, like something they should fix. They can understand and do their best to help you, but do not ever demand or even let them drop these friends for you. Unless the friends are genuinely awful people (which you should then have an entirely different conversation about), it is your friend's right to keep them as friends.

But maybe you can come to a compromise. Maybe when your friend is done hanging out with someone, they can tell you about what they did. Maybe instead of an obligation, its like a “oh my god I had so much fun and I want to tell someone about it” thing. They get to talk about how much fun they had to someone that cares, and you get to know that these other people didn't try to turn your friend against you, or whatever your fear may have been.

Anyway, my overall point is; jealousy is okay and normal. It usually covers some sort of insecurity or fear, like how anger can cover sadness or hurt. It doesn't matter how often you feel jealous - I'm a very very jealous person but I have coping mechanisms and ways to help me when I get jealous so that I don't hurt the person I'm jealous of. I will always suggest mental health assistance like therapy or medication if it's available, but sometimes, its more about the way you treat your feelings and the communication you have with your friends.

#obviously everyone is different #journaling my feelings and telling myself that my friends are so awesome that they deserve other friends #will not help every single person that gets jealous #but as a polyamorous person who has bpd and forms fps on my partners most often #ive learned how to cope with my jealousy without becoming overbearing and mean #it took me nearly my entire teenage life and im still nowhere near perfection #this isnt an instant process and im never going to stop feeling jealous #but i can recognize when im jealous and why and i can work on feeling better about it #{ ♡ } nao : misc . . .#jealousy #jealous #relationships #relationship troubles #bpd #borderline personality disorder #npd #narcassistic personality disorder #i dont know how common jealousy is in npd but it sure affects me a lot so #umm #mental illness #mental health #mental health advice #mental health support #bpd help #bpd support

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hel7l7 · 8 months

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It feels like I keep doing everything wrong

#vent art #venting #bpd #ptsd #mental illness #actually bpd #mixed media #vent #journal art #trauma #cptsd

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moonlit-positivity · 2 months

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Lets talk about journaling & what to do when you just can't write it out

So my main gripe with journaling is how much therapy will push this on you as if it's the only method to working out the kinks in your life. It's not. Journaling is not for everyone, no coping skill is. Everyone is different. And there are some major hiccups that come when you factor in:

• trauma involving invasive parents reading your journals and searching your rooms can give you a sense of paranoia around having an actual paper trail of your thoughts just lying around for others to see

• abusive partners and/or abusive environments that are hard to cultivate private personal space

• there is a huge stigma around journaling being a "feminine" activity and because of toxic masculinity men are less likely to engage

• it's just awkward. Sometimes it's just really really awkward to sit down and write your thoughts out on purpose. Some of us have never had that a day in our lives.

• What the hell do you write about???? How long do you write for??? How do you know when you're done???? Why does this feel like a punishment??? Or homework????

The concept of journaling can be kinda problematic for trauma survivors to get into. So the first thing to do is understand why it's useful and how it can help.

Writing things out is just a nifty neat little introduction to the concept of ✨ making space for yourself. ✨ How do you know what you're feeling if you never say it out loud? How do you know what you want & need if you never give yourself time and space to ask? Everything feels too much, you're numb, life sucks, too much pain and it's not safe for you to talk about it out loud, right? You gotta find a way to ask yourself these questions cuz chances are no one else will. If you've never had anyone care about you on a deeper level like that, the yeah of course this kind of attention is difficult to sit with. It's intentional, on purpose, you giving yourself time and space to think about things that probably no one has ever asked you before. That's scary. And it's never about the inability to write. You can write fanfiction, you can write poetry, you can write a 5 page essay on why you're fed up to a friend. That's not the problem. It's the concept of ✨ being alone with our thoughts✨ that's the actual problem. When someone suggests journaling to you, it can feel like, "yeah right, like that's gonna help." The thing is, who else is gonna help you figure it out? The same people you're holding your breath wishing hoping waiting and expecting to notice you suffering in silence and come get you out of it? Has that worked yet? At some point you gotta wake up & try something else.

Let's talk about alternatives & what to do when it is the actual fear of writing your thoughts out loud in a physical form:

Feel like someone's gonna read ur thoughts? Try this:

Write in code

Write in scribbles

Color code your emotions & write in colored scribbles

Rip up the paper when you're done

Tear the page out and set it on fire over the sink

Tear the page out and pour coffee or dark liquid over it to stain the page

Try a different creative / destructive outlet. Collages, coloring books, macrame, crochet, art projects, music, learn an instrument, play a video game, tear something apart, punch a pillow, scream, cry, ruminate & doom scroll to avoid ur feelings.

Use a notes app on your phone

Make a private discord server or private Tumblr specific for venting

Draw a picture

Use symbols

Draw vent art

Photoshop or digital editing vent art

Write fanfiction

Vent or talk to someone privately instead

Remember that you have a right to your life, your pain, and how you express yourself. Remember that you are absolutely allowed to cultivate a space of privacy and protection. Even if you just sit on it for a while and think about ways you can give yourself more privacy, space, and freedom of expression, that's the entire point.

Don't know what to write about? Try this:

Look up journaling prompts online

Look up art therapy prompts online

Ask yourself a question & write out the answer

Write about what's bothering you right now

Write a letter to someone

Write a letter to yourself, your past self, present self, or future self

Write about what you wanna do this weekend

Write about what you did last weekend

Write about what's for dinner

Write about what you're excited for

Write that WIP you've been meaning to write for years now

Write a fanfic

Draw/ vent art

Write whatever comes to mind

Use shorthand or just write a few words at a time

List out your thoughts in bullet form

Write really big, one word per page

Cuss someone out

Write a poem

There are no rules, journaling is literally just there to help you become aware of your thoughts and help give you a safe space to be genuine and authentic with yourself. The goal is to just spend more time with yourself.

Feeling nervous or too anxious to write? Try this:

Buy a journal with a sick cover and cool pages with art on them

Write on loose leaf pages if books aren't your thing and keep them stored in a notebook or folder

Body double or ask someone trusted to spend time with you while you write

Find a good space to be alone

Pick a time when it's soft and easy to reflect, like bedtime or morning breakfast

Set the scenery. If ur at home then put on some music. Light a candle or burn an incense. Turn the lights low. Vibe. Chill.

Go outside and write or take pictures instead

Ease into it with a crossword puzzle, sudoku, or something else that stimulates your brain

Grab a comfort item or set up a comfort station

Grab a snack and some juice

Do something nice when youre done

Vent online instead

Try a different creative/destructive outlet

Vent or talk to someone trusted

Remember that there is no "right" or "wrong" thing to do here. You don't have to write, you could try something else. Even if you just spend some time thinking about it, that's good too. The goal is to make space for yourself. That's all. No rush, no need to "get it right." Take ur time. Breathe. Do something else. It's fine.

Lack of motivation? Try this:

Stop expecting it to be on a schedule. If you're not able to make it a routine then that's where you are right now and that's completely fine.

There's no need to write every single day at every single time of day. You gotta find what works best for you.

I mean if that works for you then that's great too!

Sometimes it'll be so easy for your thoughts to flow, and other times it won't be easy at all. Don't forget that at the core of writing is the actual acknowledgement of whatever it is that needs to be said. Sometimes that's not an easy thing to do no matter how you're trying to sweeten it.

Sometimes its just a quick little "I'm pissed off because-" whenever someone pisses ya off. Yanno?

Other times it's like ten pages of you rambling non stop and it's nice because there's no one there to tell you to stop

Give yourself some room to breathe and wiggle with

Remember this isn't a race. You move on your own timeline and if it's not something you can do right now then that's fine too.

Literally just slow down and breathe. If you don't want to do it then you don't have to force it.

If you do wanna do it but genuinely can't, ask yourself what's the biggest issue in the way and go from there

If it's something like "I want to write but the effort to get the books and pens is too much" then makeshift a writing station. Make it portable. Throw your books and pens and crayons in a bag and carry it with you.

If it's something like "I think this is stupid and I don't want to do it" well then weigh out how it feels to keep going as you are now vs trying something new and kicking your parents ass for calling your emotions stupid.

If it's something like "my hand hurts" then yeah honestly I feel you, that's why I just started talking out loud to myself. At least my cat cares, right?

Can you find other ways of sitting with your thoughts? Yeah definitely. Just work really hard on noticing them. Writing is just a neat little way to do that. That's all.

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Hope this helps

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