#blowjo

[holly-hell18]

Ganas de que tu mano se quede marcada en mi 💋

#botty #blowjo #beauty

[eaavl]

#audio #blowjos #restaurant #waitress

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Clownfall: Endgame - Hello December

I am late writing and posting this, because it's nearly the end of term and I am mega busy (I have leave in two days and I am counting the hours...) BUT some stuff happened last week so let's dig in!

Also quick note before we do: I would like to politely request that you stop tagging this with "England" or "English politics". This is about British politics, not just England, and I am not English. Please do not erase me it takes SO LONG to write these thank you all and goodnight anyway ON WITH THE SHOW

Saturday, 25 November

12.01am

We begin our tale with Oliver Wright of the Times, who reports that … no hang on, wait, I've fucked it, okay. To understand this story, you first need to understand Simon Case.

Simon Case is a civil servant, and current Cabinet Secretary and head of UK Civil Service

He was the highest ranking public official implicated in the Partygate scandal, though he didn’t resign nor was he fined

In the Telegraph’s published WhatsApp messages from Partygate in which Tories all chatted to each other (seriously HOW do those keep getting leaked), Case made fun of holidaymakers stuck in hotel rooms by Covid regulations

In the same messages he also described some opposition to Covid restrictions as “pure Conservative ideology”, which is. An Own Goal

He also described BlowJo as a “nationally distrusted figure” whose isolation rules the public were unlikely to follow, which is true but also the Quiet Part

This information is from Wikipedia, which I’m openly admitting here, so my esteemed colleague hbomberguy can stand down.

Why am I mentioning him! Well. Case was supposed to give evidence to the Covid inquiry in October this year, but didn’t because of medical leave (ironically). In November, he still wasn’t back (should have isolated better, eh, Si), and the inquiry was given private medical information relating to Case (presumably evidence that he’s not just faking it so he doesn't have to be shouted at by angry judges and MPs and that).

So! On Saturday the 25th, eighteen and a half hours before Beep the Meep’s spectacular TV debut, Oliver Wright of the Times reports that Simon Case – uh, before his medical leave - advised Prime Minister Rishi Sunak that he should authorise pre-election talks between the civil service and Labour. Sunak - I suspect obviously - ignored this suggestion, in case it signalled that an election is now imminent.

According to Wright, it’s now questionable whether Case will ever return to his role.

Shame.

Monday, 27 November

2.44pm

House of Commons time! Let's see what our elected representatives are up to.

Tory MP Jill Mortimer says international treaties written 70 years ago "are not fit for purpose" to tackle illegal immigration, so we need to return to the "Deport the browns to Rwanda" plan. Ugh.

2.50pm

The following was reported by Matt Dathan of the Times, so CALL OFF YOUR DOGS hbomberguy.

James Cleverly – the newest Home Secretary, chappie who described another MPs constituency as a shithole in the House of Commons in his second week on the job – says the Rwanda policy isn’t the “be all and end all”.

Robert Jenrick – the Minister of State for Immigration – says the policy is an "extremely important component" of the government's small boats policy.

So! James Cleverly and Robert Jenrick disagree on this matter! Exciting! Hey, Tumblrs, just for fun...

Let’s remember those two names.

2.58pm

Robert Jenrick says boat crossings have been reduced by more than a third in the last year, but that numbers are still unacceptably high.

FUN SELF-STUDY ACTIVITY: Take a moment to form an opinion of Robert Jenrick! It’ll be worth it.

Here is some information to get you started: Jenrick this year ordered some lovely murals of cartoon characters (Mickey Mouse, Tom and Jerry, etc) to be painted over at a children’s asylum centre in Kent. His explicit reason is because he thought they were "too welcoming" for lone refugee children arriving in the UK, and such children should not feel welcome here.

Have you formed your opinion yet? Then I'll continue.

8.13pm

Rishi Sunak cancels a meeting with the Greek Prime Minister in a row over the Elgin Marbles.

Uh, there's a lot going on here - this is about the stolen marble frescoes that should be in the Parthenon in Athens, that gross British thief Lord Elgin stole decades ago and plonked into the British Museum. Greece has been asking for them back ever since, but a small handful of old white men who are in charge of the British Museum don't want to give them back and keep stating that Greece wouldn't look after them properly, which is a hell of a claim given that Elgin literally broke one when he nicked them, and also, he fucking stole them. Anyway, it turns out to the surprise of no one that Sunak also doesn't think we should give them back, and so when the matter was raised in an Anglo-Greek meeting recently Sunak literally walked out of it, even though the meeting was actually about something else.

So HERE HE IS refusing to do any diplomacy with Greece now i.e. his actual fucking job.

This is a big deal for the immigration-obsessed though! According to a Labour source, Greece is an essential ally for any agreement on illegal migration.

And even the Prime Minister’s supporters think he’s got this one wrong.

Wednesday, 29 November

Prime Minister’s Questions!

This is the (televised) point in the week where the PM has to appear in the Commons and be grilled by anyone who wants to put the boot in about anything at all. Keir Starmer decides today is the day to do some actual opposition, pushes Sunak on several fronts, and pretty much everyone reckons this is Starmer’s best ever performance at PMQs. People especially enjoy Starmer calling Rishi the “man with the reverse Midas touch”.

This is not, strictly speaking, actually funny. But it's political humour, which is like office humour. It doesn't actually have to be.

12.22pm

A former cabinet member tells the press that the Greek government are furious at Sunak’s snub. Uh oh!

Thursday, 30 November

Disgraced former Secretary of State for Health and all round human 1950s meat blancmange Matt Hancock talks to the Covid inquiry today. Specifically, to explain why he, the then-Secretary of State for Health, led the government so badly in the pandemic that we developed the second highest death rate in the world. To hear him tell it, he was an underdog hero doing his best to fight a toxic culture at Whitehall to get the pandemic handled responsibly.

The only problem with this is that it is contradicted by everyone else’s accounts.

He is called a “proven liar” who was “unfit for the job” by proven liar and unfit for his job Dominic Cummings. Former civil servant Helen MacNamara says Hancock displayed “nuclear levels” of overconfidence and said lots of things that later turned out to be untrue. Sadly for HandCock, he said these things to cameras that were recording him onto the telly, and so we do actually know.

Monday, 4 December

Keir Starmer talked about the economy today. He won’t rule out cutting public services, and it looks like he’s trying to tell disenfranchised Tory voters to jump ship to Labour.

Hope it’s a bluff! Very depressing if he’s serious. This is nowhere near as much fun as Tories being humiliated.

21.47pm

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!

(This is from the Mirror, you can’t destory me on your YouTube.)

Labour MP Diana Johnson proposes an amendment to the Victims and Prisoners Bill to compensate thousands of patients infected with HIV and hepatitis C through contaminated blood products in the 70s and 80s, to the tune of billions of pounds.

And it WON!  Narrowly – 246 votes to 242.  A huge deal, because that includes 23 Tory backbenchers.  That is very bad for Rishi Sunak. He he he.

Tory MP Edward Argar had tried to sort this in adance, by saying the government would provide their own similar amendment to the bill.  Basically, he realised this was a controversial bill for the party, and wanted to present a version that could be a Tory victory rather than a Labour victory and Tory humiliation.

Didn’t work.

And neither did a THREE LINE WHIP for Tory MPs to vote against the Labour plan?!?? YES KIDS YOU READ THAT RIGHT Sunak didn't want people infected with HIV and hepatitis C through contaminated blood products in the 70s and 80s to receive compensation in case it made him look bad, so he imposed a three line whip to force Tories to vote against it.

And 23 of them rebelled.

And now he looks even worse.

Lol.

Tuesday, 5 December

Have you done your homework, Tumblrs? Have you remembered those names? Have you formed an opinion?

7.38am

Home Office minister and children's cartoon hater Robert Jenrick is interviewed on Sky News.  It’s ugly stuff.  He refers to small boats “[breaking] in” to the UK.  He insists asylum seekers WILL start being deported to Rwanda before the next General Election.  And generally does big talk about cutting immigration.

What a hero.

1.27pm

James Cleverly is in Rwandan capital Kigali, as the UK signs a new treaty designed to help score the Supreme Court’s approval for the Rwanda plan.

1.40pm

So!

Cleverly’s doing pretty much what he said he’d do.  He’s trying to legislate to make the Rwanda plan safer, rather than try to disapply human rights treaties. This, of course, is the Sensible Plan, if your plan is still to get people killed, but you want it to actually succeed.

But former Home Secretary Cruella Braverman is driving a load of Tories to push to disapply human rights obligations – and she’s joined in this by Robert Jenrick!!!!

That’s RIGHT!  Hope you remembered his name, because now he’s a VILLAIN!  Or, well, more of one, and in a more immediate way. After disagreeing with Cleverly in the commons on 27 November, he’s joined Team Suella.  Tonight he’ll be part of a meeting between three different right-wing groupings...

1.46pm

The new treaty guarantees that, if these plans go ahead, asylum seekers won’t be returned to countries where their lives or freedom are threatened, and creates a requirement for an independent monitoring committee.

This treaty would be great if we lived in a world where the Supreme Court trusted the Rwandan government to honour treaty obligations.  But we live in the world where NOT having this trust was part of the reason the Supreme Court ruled the plans unlawful.

Even if this wasn’t the case, we still need new legislation, and that’ll be way more controversial than this new treaty.  The legislation was said to be ready by Thursday, which is a very short turnaround that only a lunatic would believe, but in a SHOCK DISAPPOINTING U-TURN the government now refuses to commit to this.

In any case...

This is causing cracks in the Tory party.

10.33pm

The Parliament's Christmas tree lights are turned on! 

It goes as well as anything else in Parliament:

A visual representation of the Tory Party schism.

Wednesday, 6 December

8.21am

Boris Johnson arrives at the covid inquiry.  He will be questioned for two days.

He he he

10.26am

Johnson is asked why around 5,000 WhatsApp messages were lost on his phone from January to June 2020.

Steffan made this brilliant meme. Please do not grass me up to hbomberman.

11.33am

It’s clear by now that Johnson wasn’t alert to the danger of covid by February 2020.  Johnson says it wasn’t declared a pandemic by WTO yet, and he wasn’t asked about it in PMQs. Gosh! What a good point, maybe!

Until the KC points out a troubling fact: “You were the Prime Minister.”

Ah. Yes. PMQs are irrelevant, you see – the Prime Minister is allowed information that the opposition aren’t. 

And, indeed, he probably would have had, if he'd actually attended the five Cobra meetings about it that would have briefed him on it just as the virus was being discovered.

12.49pm

2.24pm

I’m skipping most of this stuff, since it’s normal lies and non-specific apologies from BJ.

But this one’s interesting.  Matt HandCock claimed he told Johnson on 13 March to call a lockdown.  There’s no written evidence of this happening.  Johnson outright contradicts it.

Lol

5.43pm

Cruella Braverman rejects Sunak’s Rwanda bill.  It fails the five tests she claimed his bill would need to pass.

These are tests she made up and published in a newspaper, I should stress, like they don't exist and she is not an authority. This is a bit like if I marched into your house, dear reader, and went "You are not allowed to celebrate the holidays this year because I personally said you have to pass my tests first and you haven't", and I'm pretty sure if I tried that you would drop me in a bin and laugh at me.

But, she has many supporters on the Tory right...

5.48pm

The Sun’s political correspondent says that if the Lords try to block emergency legislation, some Tory MPs reckon Sunak should call an election, fighting on Rwanda.

I desperately want this.  I DESPERATELY want this. They’ll lose that election so badly. SO badly. God, likes charge reblogs cast.

6.53pm

The villain Robert Jenrick … RESIGNS!

Oh no!  This is not good news if you’re the Prime Minister.

Fucking fantastic for the rest of us, though

7.26pm

Jenrick publishes his resignation letter on Twitter.  It’s two pages long, claiming the PM’s Rwanda plan basically won’t work.

Jenrick’s not wrong about that, but I speak as someone who doesn’t want any version of the Rwanda plan – not the monstrous Sunak one, and certainly not the hypermonstrous Braverman one. Good. Thanks for confirming, Darth Bell-end.

8.31pm

I enjoyed this tweet.

8.52pm

Sunak writes back to Jenrick, claiming the new plan WILL work.

Which is not normally what happens?!? Normally they yell about their current madness in a letter, publish it on Twitter because no one else cares or will agree, and get roundly ignored. But, desperate times! Here, Sunak’s challenge is to try to win over the Tories who don’t believe in his ability to deliver the plan.  It’s a big ask.

So what are we left with?

10.37pm

A senior figure on the Tory right is asked whether their side will kill Sunak’s bill. 

And they’re not sure! If it’s the only offer on the table, it seems sensible to vote for it. 

BUT the right wing of the Tories aren’t famously very sensible.  They’ll probably try and add amendments at the very least, but it’s genuinely possible they’ll reject it out of spite, because they are LUNATICS.  Or as a political move to weaken Sunak.

And that's what you missed in the Tory Civil War!

(Up to last week)

#politik #clownfall: endgame

[sp25]

Desperation

pairing: kylo ren x f!reader

summary: your need for his love

warnings: 18+ this is sexually explicit, do not read this or interact with my blog if you’re a minor. consists of name calling, fingering, blowjos, manhandling, manipulation do not copy or use ai on my shit, i'll find out. I am not responsible for your media consumption.

a/n: first of all, thank you everyone who supported my last post, I am honestly more than grateful. You guys reblogging or even liking it has given me the confidence to write more content. So this is a new one. Again based on a character ai that I came across, this one is called "Kylo Ren' by @squishysushii, thank you so much for inspiring me and go and please support the ai creator.

Kylo Ren, a name that spread fear across the galaxy.

Yet, a name that comforted you through the dark times and gave you light.

You were Kylo's most prized possession.

He'd watched you grow in skill throughout the years under his strict training. Under his guidance, you'd pushed your body to the brink, experienced the most excruciating pain, and the most intense workout regimens, all to please him. Your Master.

But for the last couple of weeks, you felt alone. You wandered through the ship struggling to find a purpose without your master.

Kylo had been so busy these last few weeks and he had hardly any time for you, his sweet pet. He knew you were lonely and he felt bad for being so distant, but things between him and Rey have been complicated. He knew she needed him.

But, he didn't know the conditions he had left you in.

You had started becoming close to Obi Wan after coming across him in one of your missions. You knew your master didn't require or need you any longer. All you had to do was wait to talk to your master so you could finally leave the dark side and meet your new lover, Obi Wan.

You decided to over come your fear and go to his office. As soon as you entered his office, Kylo was sitting at his desk, working late. He looked exhausted. He was about to reach for the glass of wine in front of him when he saw you.

You could feel the breath in your lungs stop. How much you tried to make yourself distant from you just couldn't.

"Master.. I wish to talk to you", you whispered.

Kylo looks up from his work and he sees it was you.

He was so happy to see you and he almost didn't notice how and when did you entered. He had a faint smiled at you, but he quickly realized how much weight you lost lately. He was concerned about you.

Kylo put the glass of wine down and got up to hug you. He was so relieved to have you in his arms again.

It had been too long. He gave you a loving kiss on your forehead and he pulled you towards him. You both shared a deep embrace, he was so close to his pet now, finally he could feel her body again. He missed to feel your curves.

"Y/n." He said so rasply. But you had to spit out the truth.

"I am leaving the dark force." You tried to sound confident but you knew how weak you were.

Your words seem to switch a flip in Kylo. Hiis expression darkens. As if you just made his worst nightmare come true. Kylo stands up, his face is filled with both shock and anger. He speaks with disgust "Why would you forsake the Darkside?" There is both rage and sadness in his voice.

"Master." you softly said hoping to calm him down with your soft words. "I can't tell you, I am afraid you might hurt this person."

He steps closer. Loosing his composure "Tell me!" He grabs your shoulders roughly and shakes you "Now!"

You look down at the floor unable to look into his eyes as tears fall down your cheeks. "Obi Wan.." You stutter.

Rage and disgust fill Kylo's face as he throws you against the wall with such force, you slide a couple feet on the ground "You betrayed me to join that old traitor?"

You could feel the pain through your entire body but the pain you felt in your heart was worse. You look up at him with tears, "I am sorry Master, I can't control whom I love."

Kylo steps closer and stares down at you with hatred and disdain "How long have you known you felt this way about Obi Wan?"

"For few months Master." Your words were cutting the cold heart of Kylo's.

Kylo steps even closer and you feel his breath on your face. "You've been keeping this from me for that long? All the while, training under me?"

"I didn't know how to tell you." You answer truthfully.

You had been worried with how Kylo would respond and seeing his reaction now; your worries were confirmed.

You watch as Kylo looks away from you, trying desperately to contain his anger. When he looks back, he's not the same person. His expression is filled with rage and hatred for you. All the love he felt for you, gone. "I should kill you for this. For abandoning me and the dark side."

"I didn't abandon you Master, you abandoned me!

“You left me for Ren! I am now taking the path of love for Obi." You said loudly, you couldn't take anymore of his harsh words.

He steps back and paces around you, like an enraged and caged animal. "Is your love for him worth losing me, and everything we could have accomplish together?"

"Yes! because Obi treats me like a lover, I finally feel like a girl, but with you I feel like you always abandon me for your wishes. I do everything for you yet you give me nothing!" You scream out loudly, unable to contain your emotions any longer.

His eyes widen. He grabs you by the throat and speaks through clenched teeth. "You would rather be with him? You want to be treated as a "girl"? You'll do anything for him, but not me?" You could feel the air leave your lungs cause how tightly he choked your throat.

"Yes! Cause with him I'm happy! You says as you stutter, desperate for air. "but with you I feel a wall. I have loved you for so long long before I loved Obi yet you never saw me as lover but only as a trophy." You couldn't believe the words that came out of your mouth.

He drops you onto the ground and as you get up accepting defeat.

Kylo moves up behind you and grabs you roughly from behind. You don't struggle. He pulls you in close and speaks in a harsh whisper "You're going nowhere. If you think I'll let you go that easily... You'd better think again...I can't believe I let a whore be allowed in my team."

You could feel his one of his hands slowly move down your hips, his hand pressed against your wet and needy pussy, while the other one held your neck tightly, choking you.

He whispers angrily and passionately in your ear

"No.You're not leaving me. Not now, not ever. I've made a decision. You are my fucking slut, mine. You fucking get it? You are made for me. This pussy is mine, all fucking mine. And if I have to use every tool and technique at my disposal, I'm not letting you go"

You could feel his hands slip inside your pants, his index finger teasing your hole, this makes you whimper so needily. "Oh, you think you have any hope of escape?" He leans in and whispers in your ear "You belong to me. You always have, and you always will. You can put up a fight, but it won't change a thing."

You could feel his index finger slip inside you with such ease. Your warm pussy wetting his finger with ease as you could feel how roughly he started fingering you. Your mind was fogging you couldn't even form words.

Another one of his fingers easily slipping inside of you while his thumb teases your clit. You know it cannot end well. He speaks calmly yet angrily "It's over, my love. No more running." You know you have no choice... You accept your fate and wait for your doom.. you could feel his two fingers easily moving inside and out of you, hitting all the right spots as he rubbed your clit so roughly, that you were sure it would be swollen now.

Just as your are about to come, Kylo removes his fingers smirking. You could see his fingers glistening with your wetness as he smirks. "I will show you how much better I am than Obi Wan." He puts his fingers in his mouth, sucking on them and closing his eyes blissfully, "so fucking sweet for me."

He manhandles as he pushes you onto his office desk, throwing all his desk items on the floor. You looked up at him with fear yet desire.

He smiled so proudly as he pulled down your uniform touching your tits, squeezing them. He loves how hard and perky your nipples were for him so he softly pulled on one and bit the other one making you moan softly. "I can't wait to have you on your hands and knees, begging me to take you and make you mine." He said so confidently.

He pushes you onto your knees. "Open your mouth." He says sternly and you do so without hesitation. He smirks satisfied as he pulls out his throbbing cock, he strokes his cock softly as he looks your face.

He presses the tip of his cock on your lips, wetting it with pre-cum as if telling you to open your mouth wider. He slowly pushes his cock into your mouth.

You took him till you felt it hit the back of your throat, slightly gagging, his hands grabbed for your hair taking in a hand full as he started to make your your head bob up and down, licking his veins as you do so.

A groan escapes him in coarse ripples and he tilts his head back, loving the warmth your mouth provides him. He starts aggressively slamming his hips into your mouth, trying to catch his high.

His cock kept hitting the back of your throat as he kept whispering and groaning your name. "fuck y/n."

Your jaw ached cause how hard he was going. Your pussy only seemed to get more needier for him. Your could feel your panties dampen with need as your rubbed yourself against the floor trying to find pleasure too.

"swallow it pet." You suddenly felt white spurts of cum coated your mouth and trickled down your throat.

You kept sucked him one last time before pulling off and wiping your mouth. You swallowed his cum like a good girl.

He looked down at you staring as said softly adoringly "you look so beautiful when I fuck your mouth pet".

His comment made your cheeks flush red. "Master." you begged. You wanted to cum too so badly.

His voice turns dark and sensual as he leans in closer.

"Let me fill that hole in you, y/n." He lets out a soft chuckle. "A hole only I fit into."

—————————————————————————-

a/n: okay first of all, I am honestly sorry for leaving it on such a high note. I was about to continue but I realised how long this story is. Listen if you guys want a second part, do tell. I know the smut wasn't long, I promise to make it longer next time. Again guys, thanks for reading it. Please feel free to Dm me or request anything. I am more than happy to write.

#kylo ren #kylo x reader #kylo x rey #kylo fanfic #hux x kylo #kylo x y/n #kylo x you #adam driver #smut #character ai #fanfic #fantasy #fanfiction #star wars #anakin skywalker #star wars anakin #anakin smut #kylo smut #the last jedi #bl0wjob #cnc cw #cnc free use #cnc k!nk #rough kink #daddy’s babygirl #bd/sm pet #bd/sm master #alpha master

[inncorrect-mw2-quotes]

Ghost and Soap conversation part 18

Soap: “Roses are red, violets are blue”

Ghost: “Stop!”

Soap: “I love you and I think you do too.”

Ghost: “No.”

Soap: “Okay new rhythm. Ghost makes me sob tonight he won’t get a blowjo-“

Ghost: “Shut up Soap!”

#soap x ghost #ghost x soap #ghost mw2 #conversation #gay couple #gay love

[holly-hell18]

Ganas de saborear tu lechita ✨

#daddy’s babygirl #blowjo #beauty

[dorokora]

Daichi: So in order to transform, you need to ingest animal parts, such as blood, hair, or any kind of fluid, right?

Yuma: That’s correct.

Daichi: I see. So theoretically, if you were to give one of the members of the Beast Tamers a blowjo-

Leib: *aggressively bonks Daichi on the head*

#I mean he has a skill called ‘Gene Drinker’ #what else it was suppose to imply #cmon now

[infectiouspiss]

monday??? its fubckin monday??? b-but we have the horrors ??? how am i suppos ed to rya toro beer bong blowjo bmonday ???? and th horrors too ???

#bishop.txt

[easy2hate]

To my knowledge they did not get the belt back but he thanked them by name on his Instagram which honestly I would accept as payment for a belt

-thunder anon

id accept payment from him in the form of a blowjo[GUNSHOT]

#asks #ak #thunder anon #sorry im on one tonight

[fictionalmenloversblog]

Your Royal Chariot Awaits

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Henderson!Reader

Warning: Slight sexual comment

Synopsis: Eddie picks you and Dustin up for school

Masterlist

Quickly double checking you have everything you need for school, you made your way over to Dustin’s room. Knocking softly on the door, you peeked your head in. “Hey Dusty, you ready to go? Eddie’s waiting outside”

Dustin looked up from his Hellfire folder, “Yep just give me two seconds”

Sighing you turned around, calling over your shoulder “ok but hurry up or we’re gonna be late”

Walking to the front door, you checked your appearance one last time before opening the front door. There stood Eddie, casually sitting on the hood of his van. Upon seeing you, a huge smile spread across the Dungeon Master’s face.

“Well if it isn’t my beautiful girl, looking as gorgeous as ever” Eddie hopped off the hood, striding over to where you stood.

“Hey Eds, no need to flatter me or flirt with me, you already have me” Smiling, you linked your hand with his ring clad hand.

“Oh my little devil, I intend to keep you forever and never let you go” Eddie winked at you, causing heat to rise on your cheeks.

“You’re such a flirt” You laughed as Eddie leaned in, planting a kiss on your lips.

“Your royal highness, your chariot awaits you” Eddie bowed dramatically, gesturing towards his van.

“Hey, how come you never greet me like that?” Dustin asks as he makes his presence known from behind you.

“Well little Henderson that’s because you don’t give me amazing blowjo-” You abruptly slapped your hand over Eddie’s mouth, shrieking in shock.

“EDDIE MUNSON!” You turned to look at Dustin, who had a horrified and disgusted look on his face.

“Let’s just go already or we’re gonna be late” Dustin pushed passed you two, getting into the back of the van.

“I agree, let’s go” You locked the door, leaving Eddie standing behind you with a shit eating grin on his face.

“Whatever the lady wants, the lady gets” Eddie said as he got into the van, starting it up and backing out of your driveway. “Off to hell we go!”

#stranger things #stranger things 4 #eddie munson #eddie my beloved #eddie munson x henderson!reader #eddie munson x y/n #dustin henderson #st4 vol2 #eddie munson x you

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

They’ve suspended Matt Hancock for going on I’m a celeb. Thoughts?

YEAH THEY HAVE

Okay so for those just joining us let me explain this latest dance segment in the clown show

So during the Pandemic, back in the days of Big Dog the Clown being our Prime Minister and encouraging us all to go out and catch COVID because he thought that would make us all stronger, our Health Secretary was a terrifyingly incompetent humanoid blancmange called Matt Hancock. As with all of BlowJo's Cabinet, Matt got the job because he was absolutely fucking terrible at everything except being an oily sycophant. Imagine, if you will, they looked around the circus and saw, not even a clown, but one of the freaks in the freak show; not because he even fit the profile for 'circus freak', but because all he had to do was sit there and guard the bin or something equally useless, and that was all he could achieve (for about 71% of the time, and he would otherwise get distracted by candy floss, which he would try to eat by ramming it into his own nostrils and then get into a muddle and cry); and then imagine that guy is who they selected to be in charge of safety for the acrobat show, and called him Chief Safety Clown.

This guy.

So obviously Britain immediately generated one of the worst covid mortality rates on the planet.

But he didn't stay in position too long, because in the summer of 2021, he broke his own lockdown rules by, yes you guessed it, having a greasy affair with an aide in his Downing Street office and taking her on taxpayer-funded dates. And obviously, that was a big problem because the public were super furious with politicians breaking the lockdown rules, so Boris Johnson did the sensible thing and fired him LMAO LOL ROFL I'm sorry I can't keep a straight face, Boris Johnson said it was completely fine and he could stay.

But uh. Matt Hancock decided a lynch mob was not a scenario he'd planned for, so he resigned, and bumbling ham Sajid Javid took over instead.

So, that explains who he is. Now, his signature move is basically to just fellate whichever ringmaster will give him a job, because as you may have guessed, he certainly is not capable of getting a job otherwise, other than guarding the bin. So as the latest ringmaster auditions began, he immediately set about making little "Rishi is the Greatest Briton" badges and generally doing a really good imitation of Nadine Dorries, except for Sunak instead of Johnson.

...which didn't work because Rishi Sunak passed him up for a job entirely lol

So as far as I can see I think Matt Hancock has finally realised that the only reason he was given a job was because Boris gave him one for doing good cheering. I think he's actually spotted that no one else even likes him, because he's greasy and disgusting and also killed loads of people. So if he wants to get back into politics - or indeed if he wants to move from there into the lucrative world of after dinner speaking - he needs to build his public profile as someone who is likeable and doesn't kill a chunk of the country and doesn't have grubby wandering hands like moist prehensile plums.

So, he decided to go on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

(???!?!?????)

Except the thing is, "being an MP" is actually a job, and you are actually expected to pretend to do that job. I don't know how anyone else's jobs work, Tumblrs, but I personally am not allowed to just... go to Australia for three weeks without taking any annual leave and abandon the office, and also get paid to do so while still drawing my salary. And it turns out nor are MPs.

His excuses so far are:

I can be an MP in the Australian outback, I'm going to talk about dyslexia so really I'll still be working

I don't think I can work in politics for much longer because I'm bad at guarding the bin and Rishi won't let me do anything else even though I said his hair looks nice :(

Let's see how this is going down!

Oh to have a job where you can decide for yourself you're taking a month off, abandon your work and responsibilities, get paid shedloads and face little consequence. I'm sure he'll be an inspiration to other public servants

-Dave Penman, general secretary of the FDA union which represents senior civil servants

The prime minister believes that at a challenging time for the country, MPs should be working hard for their constituents, whether that's in the house or indeed in their constituencies.

-Rishi Sunak's spokesperson

Matt Hancock isn’t a ‘celebrity’, he’s the former health secretary who oversaw the UK having one of the highest death tolls in the world from Covid-19 while breaking his own lockdown rules. The fact that he is trying to cash in on his terrible legacy, rather than showing some humility or seeking to reflect on the appalling consequences of his time in government, says it all about the sort of person he is.

-Lobby Akinnola, from the Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice campaign

Following a conversation with Matt Hancock, I have considered the situation and believe this is a matter serious enough to warrant suspension of the whip with immediate effect

-Conservative chief whip, Simon Hart

I’m looking forward to him eating a kangaroo’s penis. You can quote me on that.

-Deputy chair of the West Suffolk Conservative Association, Andy Drummond

So there we have it, folks! It's going super well!!!!

But having the whip suspended means "expelled from the party until the matter is resolved", which means he is, as of now, no longer a Tory - he's an Independent. I imagine his constituents are delighted.

#politik #asks