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missbemaeve · 4 years

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▷ new year’s eve, nineteen-eighty-three

let’s watch the old year die with a fond goodbye, and our hopes as high as a kite ( let’s start the new year right ; bing crosby )

saturday, december thirty-first, nineteen-eighty-three

— fourteen hours to midnight —

‘run.’

sitting bolt upright, maeve’s chest rose and fell heavily with her breath. her hands were shaking as her eyes darted around the room as if she was searching for the source of her stress. when it became obvious that she was alone in her room and there was no imminent danger, she lowered herself down, her head hitting the pillow with a dull thump. ’it was a nightmare. just a nightmare. you’re safe. you’re home and you’re safe.’ resting a hand on her stomach, she counted her breaths as her hand rose and fell with it. the trembling took longer to subside and she pressed a hand against her forehead, staring up at the ceiling. the nightmares that plagued her normally had managed to worsen in the past month. they felt real. she could remember the strain in the arch of her feet as she ran, the stabbing twigs and rocks that dug in to the skin there. the warm blood that had cascaded from her nose was familiar as she forced herself harder than ever before for the sake of her own survival. the raw skin on her wrists and ankles from where she’d been held still felt mangled and bruised. her tattoo felt like a hot scratch from a cat’s claw that had dug deep and permanently left its mark. trying to soothe herself, she laid there for what felt like minutes but seemed to be an hour as the shadows from the sun gradually shifted through the window.

her hand grazed over her ribs as it traced up and down, counting the bumps and ridges. in the months she’d been with mary and robert, her form had filled out once more. the baby fat she’d lost in the lab as she slowly became more emaciated had returned with structure. her lithe limbs had toned, her jaw sharpening to a severe angle. she no longer looked like the little girl she occasionally still felt she was.

a muffled whispering from outside her door caused her to lean up, propping herself on her elbows, her head turning towards the door. trying hard to isolate any words was a struggle, “…surprise…maeve…day…” she made a face, it was mary’s soft voice outside of her room. there was a gentle knock before she heard her mom’s voice clearly, “maeve?”

“…yeah?” she sat up completely, watching as the knob of the door turned. at once, three people entered the room and maeve let out a genuine laugh. mary, robert, and samuel wore matching party hats. samuel who was practically vibrating with excitement nearly knocked a plate carrying pancakes from mary’s hands as he ducked under her arms and ran to maeve’s bed. robert helped to steady the plate and gave an amused, reproachful look to the eager boy.

“happy birthday, magpie!” he shouted, mid-jump to her. opening her arms for a hug, he launched himself to maeve from where he’d landed.

it was her birthday.

“thank you.” her sleepy voice was soft, flooded with emotion.

it had been years since she’d celebrated her birthday. days ran together in the laboratory and her parents, even when sober, didn’t care much for small celebrations. she’d only ever had mornings like these when she’d spent holidays with her grandparents. her grandmother and grandfather would knock on the door and wake her up with a sweet breakfast because they said it was the best way to start a new year— or in maeve’s case, end an old one. her grandma eileen would sing and her grandpa evan would scoop her in to a big hug, his booming laugh echoing throughout the house.

robert gave her a tight hug before mary kissed her temple gently and handed her the plate. she felt the tears welling in her eyes— she knew she’d cried more in the past two months than in the entire two years before. maybe it was because her body finally felt that it was safe to do so, maybe it was because she’d finally been through enough. using her sleeve, she wiped her cheeks off and sniffled, pushing herself to sit up straighter. “love you.” mary said softly rubbing a hand over her shoulder as robert hoisted samuel up to leave maeve alone.

“i love you too.” she cleared her throat and gave a grateful smile. accepting the fork samuel had thrust towards her, nearly menacing as his excitement coursed through him.

“eat and then come down.” robert ruffled her hair affectionately with the hand on the arm that wasn’t restraining the ball of energy that was his son. “we’ll give you gifts before the party—“

“you guys really didn’t have to—“ maeve shook her head before she was cut off.

“can’t hear you!” robert called, jogging out the door and jostling samuel all the way, his laughs filling and echoing down the hall.

“you’re our daughter, maeve. you only turn seventeen once so let us do this for you.” mary cupped her face and gave maeve a warm smile that made her heart swell a bit. her kind eyes framed with shallow lines from age looked in to maeve’s and the guilt subsided, even if just a bit.

“okay.” she swallowed a lump in her throat and nodded, awkward and unsure, before using the fork to cut off and bite in to a piece of pancake. “thank you.” she whispered softly.

“always. come down when you’re ready.” mary tucked her hair behind her ears and kissed the top of her head before leaving the room.

sitting the plate on top of her thighs, maeve used the fork to gingerly cut and spear pieces of pancake. her appetite waning, she sat the morning confection on her bedside table and laid back. she’d give herself some time before going downstairs to see her family— she wanted just a little while longer to be by herself before the day really began.

she was seventeen.

seventeen years. fifteen years that had been spent treading water and two that had been spent in captivity. now a new one was due to begin. for the first time, it was full of possibilities. it was in her control. there would be no neglectful parents, no scientists prodding at her veins or measuring her brain or conducting experiments at the expense of her body.

she finally felt in control.

at the helm of the boat, she feared that she may sink it but at least it would be of her own volition. at least it would be no one’s fault except her own and, all at once, she was terrified and maybe a little bit eager to see what it held.

— three hours to midnight —

maeve cautiously walked in to the living room with the sinking feeling that she were on her way to the gallows rather than to a party celebrating her existence. she came to stand by the punch bowl, her hands gently smoothing over the satin-y, wine red cloth that covered a table. glancing up, her eyes scanned over the crowd before dropping down to see her shaking hands. large parties weren’t exactly what she enjoyed but her parents insisted on celebrating her first birthday with them. seventeen years and this was her first, real birthday party— she felt sick. her nerves were on fire between the crowd and the attention and the inevitable heartbreak of the night. eyeing one of the polished, empty champagne coupes, maeve decisively picked it up and filled it with boozy, effervescent bubbles before taking a long drag of it.

seeing it mostly drained, she filled it up halfway before stepping back, sheepish. thankfully the only person who’d payed any attention was andrea peterson, who gazed at her friend with a knowing look as she took a conservative sip from her own drink. “are you alright?” her voice was just audible over the music that her father had carefully curated for the evening.

“i don’t know.” she sighed. she tapped her nails on the side of her class, watching the bubbles dance from the bottom of the glass to the top as the soft, staccato sound reached her ears. “i just wish today didn’t have to come.”

“but it’s your birthday—“ andie was swiftly cut off by maeve’s sharp glance that quickly softened out of guilt.

“i know.” she exhaled. taking another long sip of her champagne, she was grateful her parents allowed her drinking on this holiday. she suddenly noticed how warm her skin felt as it brushed against the black, satin dress that enrobed her form. while the neckline was shallow and covered what little cleavage maeve had, the back was more daring. it plunged below her shoulder blades before scooping back up to meet at the other sleeveless shoulder. at her waist rested a bow, its blackness blending in with the rest of the dress, where it flared out just past her hips and fell like a dark waterfall above her knees. it fit her like a glove— it may have been the most beautiful dress she’d ever worn. fashion was not a luxury typically afforded to those in captivity.

“nancy is coming tonight.” maeve swiftly changed subjects from her own well-being. “and i’m sure she’s bringing steve so—“ andie made a noise of protest that maeve stifled with only a glance and a cocked brow. “just ignore him. please? for me?” andie continued looking less than impressed until the defeat behind maeve’s eyes broke her.

“fine.” with a roll of her eyes, andie relented.

“thank you.” clinking andie’s glass with her own, maeve gave a small smile and took a sip.

over the past half an hour, maeve had watched a wide variety of people that she only half-knew fill in through the house and lazily move around the rooms. the opening front door called her to attention and she felt her blood and skin chill when she saw a familiar man closing the door behind him, careful not to allow much heat to escape. ‘does he have to be so considerate?’

fight or flight? fight or flight? fight or flight?

‘freeze.’ she swallowed, her heart pounding.

she knew james wouldn’t miss tonight. he’d been a driving force behind the decision to have a party along with her parents as he repeatedly told her that she deserved to be celebrated. nothing felt further from the truth at the moment. she could feel andie’s eyes burning in to her as she tilted her head back and swallowed the remaining drink before setting her glass down just a moment before james spotted her. andie opened her mouth to make a quip at her hasty ingestion of alchohol but quickly silenced herself when her eyes traced maeve’s line of sight.

maeve’s brows were drawn together, unsure of how to proceed. james raised his hand in a half-hearted wave and maeve did the same. both wore an identical expression hidden just beneath their small smiles: heartbreak. in only a few short strides, he made his way over to the girls. “hey.” his deep voice was as soft as the expression behind his eyes.

“hey.” maeve swallowed the lump in her throat as she looked up at him. she almost wished he wasn’t here. “thank you… for coming tonight.”

he wrapped his arms around her in a hug. her cheek pressed against his chest and she wished the circumstances were different. her fingers gripped in to the soft fabric of his black sports coat, her eyes squeezed shut as if she were trying to transport both of them away from here. he squeezed her gently and her arms tightened around him in response.

andie took a sip from her glass, averting her eyes from the intimate moment but unsure of her next course of action. maeve had thoroughly explained the situation to her and the two had gone through every viable option. every time that they worked through it, maeve came back to the same result. andie was well versed in the twisted dance that the two were doing. “hi james,” andie mumbled in greeting, her eyes staying low. “i’m gonna go over there.” she nodded to the other side of the house and without another word or waiting for a response, andie made a beeline for a small group of their acquaintances.

maeve and james remained in an embrace that she wished would last until the world imploded. reluctantly, she pulled away, smoothing down the wrinkles that had formed in the static-laden fabric before wringing her hands. she didn’t know what to do next.

“happy birthday.” as he spoke, james drew a small box from his pocket. it was adorned in the same paper as the gift he’d given her at christmas but was shaped just a little differently. unconsciously, her hand drifted to her chest where the locket rested, searing in to her skin. he offered it to her without another word.

she hesitates, the guilt rising. “you really didn’t need to bring me anything.” maeve shook her head, willing herself not to cry. she accepted the small gift as he continued to hold it out to her with no intention of taking it back.

“you only turn seventeen once.” he smiled sheepishly and pushed his hands back in to his pockets once she took the gift. he had to stop himself from reaching out to her.

“thank you.” she paused, things shouldn’t have felt so strained yet they did. trying to focus on anything aside from how she felt, she pushed away her emotions in favor of attempting to be a good hostess. “would you like a drink? i can get you one. we have champagne, soda, water, and punch although i’m not sure what’s in the punch.” she tucked a curl behind her ear, avoiding eye contact as she turned to busy herself with adjusting the tablecloth and brushing aside nonexistent lint. james’ habit of talking when things became uncomfortable had rubbed off on maeve.

“maeve…” he trailed off. watching maeve struggle to keep him at arm’s length sent a pain to his chest. reaching out, he took one of her cold hands in his own. maybe if he could just reach her, she’d stop. ‘maybe she’d change her mind.’ maeve knew there was so much more that he wanted to say to her— the way he said her name felt like the walls of a building crumbling around her, trapping her inside with no light and little air left to breathe.

“james.” she responded simply, whispering his name sadly like a prayer that she knew wouldn’t come true. he laced their fingers together and traced his eyes up her arm to land on her face. they’d gravitated closer as they spoke; he was close enough to count the light freckles that were peppered across her nose and cheeks. tilting his head down, he rested his forehead against her’s. maeve’s eyes drifted shut as she savored the feeling, his doing the same in response.

“do you want to talk?” he murmured, their lips only inches apart. to anyone else, they looked like an affectionate couple that couldn’t be torn apart, like they needed one another like they needed oxygen. that was true for now but they both knew that was no longer going to be after tonight. she could feel his warm breath on her lips and a shiver ran through her body; he was invading her senses and the thoughts in her mind were swirling like the snow flurries outside. if she moved just an inch, his lips would be on her’s— where they belonged and where she wanted them to stay. maeve wanted nothing more than for time to stop for everyone except them. in a vacuum, they could live and die; their lives could be spent tangled in the other’s.

the sound of the front door opening broke her from the trance. just before his lips could caress her’s, maeve turned her face to the side, james’ lips just barely touching the skin on her jaw. her breath came out in a shaking tremble. squeezing her eyes shut tighter to stop any tears in their track, she paused before they opened reluctantly, his following in suit. the interruption came in the form of alice and brendan, cameron and morgan, and steve and nancy entering the house in pairs, each’s presence only punctuated by a moment before the next’s appearance. stepping back, she squeezed his hand gently and forced away tears that threatened to appear. “i really do,” she made sure to look in to his eyes earnestly, not wanting him to think she was lying or avoiding the conversation that neither wanted to face. but perhaps she was? “but i can’t right now.” maeve spoke shakily, pressing her lips together in a flat line to hide the way they quivered, trying not to break.

“i know.” james exhaled, looking more broken than she felt as he nodded in understanding. he glanced over to everyone before his eyes came back to her, the beautiful coffee eyes that she knew so well. she could drown in them if he let her. maeve reached a hand up to rest on his cheek and his own came up to cover her’s. as if he wanted her to leave it there forever. or maybe he was memorizing the feeling like she had before. james closed his eyes to savor the feeling and maeve felt a pull in her stomach. she stood on her toes and pressed a gentle kiss to his scruff-covered cheek, inhaling his peppery, warm cologne before she stepped back. james gave a small nod and let her hand go with a soft squeeze, ending the tender moment despite neither of their wishes.

alice and brendan greeted her excitedly and james watched as maeve transformed before him. her back was straighter and her movements more natural, but her smile still didn’t quite reach her eyes. the same pang in his chest returned; he knew that she was burying her feelings in a lead vault that was deep underground in a place devoid of warmth or light and he didn’t know if she’d ever stop.

— two hours to midnight —

‘wool tights do nothing against the cold.’ maeve remarked to herself. she sat on the porch swing, just slightly out of the line of sight from those inside. her coat enveloped her in a layer of warmth and she burrowed down in to it slightly. pulling a thin cigarette from her pocket, maeve twirled it between the fingers of one hand, a lighter held limply in the other. she’d slipped them from her dad’s coat just a little while earlier. she didn’t know what possessed her to do it but she had done it anyway. maeve’s hand fell to her lap when she heard a voice come from the doorway.

“hey! i’ve been looking all over for you.” as andie took a seat beside maeve, she plucked the cigarette from her hand and gave her a reprimanding glare before breaking it in half and handing it back to maeve without a word on the subject— as much as andie wanted to support maeve through this spiral, she had to draw a line somewhere in the sand of her self-destructive nature. maeve rolled her eyes and shoved it back in to her pocket. while grateful andie was watching over her, she was still mildly indignant at the action. the champagne had long since worn off and left the dregs of sadness swimming in the shallow basin of her soul. crossing her arms, she rested her back against the cold, wrought iron. despondently, she looked out in to the dark blue night. “are you having a good time?” andie was hopeful maeve could still enjoy herself despite everything.

a snort broke through maeve’s stony exterior. they both knew she wouldn’t have even acknowledged the question had it come from anyone aside from her best friend.

“i know it’s rough.” andie said sympathetically as she wrapped her arms around the smaller brunette tightly. for a moment, they shared one another’s warmth in a comfortable silence. maeve closed her eyes, letting the quiet wash over her. the party, the guests. the gifts. the attention. it was all too much. after a few minutes, andie spoke again, carefully choosing her words. “i get that things blow right now. the circumstances suck…but, look on the bright side!” andie held maeve at arm’s-length, squaring her shoulders to look at her straight on. “it’s your birthday. this day only comes once a year. and this is probably the best birthday party, if not party, that i’ve ever been to.” andie gave her a small shake, grinning. maeve knew she was trying to distract her from the inevitable heartbreak of the night ahead.

in response, maeve forced a smile on to her face and tried to appease andie. “thank you.” her voice was soft.

“so, can you try to be happy? just for tonight?” maeve knew andie just wanted her to be happy but the words stabbed at her nonetheless. “tomorrow, we can go back to eating ice cream by the carton at benny’s, lamenting every person who has ever done us wrong. i promise.”

but she hadn’t been wronged— if anything, she was doing james wrong by hurting him in this way. she finally broke the silence after swimming in her thoughts, “i can try.” she exhaled, andie’s smile making her apprehensive. “but i make no promises.”

andie dropped her hands and rolled her eyes affectionately. she reached up to tousle her voluminous, blonde curls that seemed to have a mind of their own this evening. “is there anything that i can do to make you feel happy? just to smile right now?” andie sighed, watching as maeve stood and walked to the porch railing.

“i don’t know…” she tilted her head back, looking up to the sky like she was asking the blinking stars for answers, before considering her response. she turned on her heels, balancing gracefully on the stiletto’s edge as if she were a trained dancer. there was a pause as crickets and muffled pop music filled the air when a mischievous smirk found its way to maeve’s lips. “i mean, you can tell brett that you were the one to turn him in.” maeve tapped her nails on the porch railing behind her, an eyebrow cocked as if daring andie to defy her.

the blonde’s porcelain face flushed deeply and she looked around nervously to see if anyone had heard one of her deepest secrets. “maeve!” she hissed, “you know i can’t do that.” her jaw was clenched as if someone inside would be able to read her lips and deduce the conversation that the two girls were having.

maeve looked at her reproachfully and sighed. “you can.” she implored, staring at andie who avoided the burn of maeve’s brown eyes. “i know you don’t want to but i really think that you need to.” she crossed her arms, pursing her lips to the side, her eyes narrowing. “you guys have been on…what? three dates now?”

“they weren’t dates.” andie is curt, her eyes still everywhere aside from meeting maeve’s. the conversation felt personal and mildly embarrassing and maeve could tell she wanted it to be over.

“they what were they?” maeve shot back, her hands on her hips. a smile tingled on her lips as she anticipated andie’s response, fully aware that andie knew that maeve was right.

“just— two friends. hanging out. platonically.”

maeve rolled her eyes, “all of the kissing that you’ve told me about doesn’t sound too platonic.” the smile grew as she nearly forgot about her own problems for just a moment. when they came back to her, her face fell and she barely heard andie’s response.

“that’s irrelevant information.” shaking her head, andie looked down.

the electricity in the air shifted as maeve’s heart grew heavy once more. it had ebbed and flowed but it seemed that, lately, the tide didn’t seem to go out and she’d soon drown as it kept rising. “i’m just saying,” maeve’s voice cracked as she started before clearing her throat. “i’m just saying that i think it’s smarter if you just tell him now rather than later. save the drama.” she walked back to sit beside andie on the swing, crossing one leg over the other. “especially before you guys dive in to anything serious. it wouldn’t be right for either of you.”

her conviction grew out of her own relationship. what used to be beautiful, she now saw as a cautionary tale— one of deceit while reasoning that the lies weren’t maleficent. if james had known the target that was painted on maeve’s back, would he still have chosen her? would he have run in the opposite direction? maybe he could have been spared from the fallout that came from this inevitable implosion.

andie broke, finally looking over at maeve. seeing her broken expression, andie’s shoulders fell. “alright. alright, fine.” she acquiesced then paused. “but only because it’ll make you happy.”

“thank you.” maeve responded simply, reaching her hand over to give andie’s a light squeeze. she know andie wouldn’t do it— she wouldn’t jeopardize the possibility of a flourishing relationship. maeve couldn’t insist enough that she didn’t want andie to make the same mistake she had; to, in essence, build a relationship from the unstable foundation of a lie. “love you.” she said simply, almost absent-mindedly.

“love you too.” andie’s hand squeezed in response. while something was ending tonight, maeve was grateful she had andie. the sinking fear of andie’s safety still plagued maeve’s mind but she couldn’t lose two of the most important people in her life on the same night. she didn’t know if she could ever recover from that.

a red ferrari rumbled down the block, slowing to a stop beside the curb in front of maeve’s home. she had to refrain from rolling her eyes at the ostentatious sports car. she heard the car before she saw it and leaned over to andie, whispering, “speak of the devil.”

brett li, clad in slacks and a matching sports coat, stepped out of his car and sauntered to the porch where the best friends were sat. he was fully aware of the entrance he was making; maeve likened him to a peacock. flaunting his wares to get the hen.

“hi brett.” andie stood, suddenly acting shy. maeve watched on in amusement.

“hey, how are you?” he embraced the blonde, holding her close like he was protecting her from the bite of the cold wind.

as andie mumbled something in response, maeve rose with the intent of going inside. while she was happy for andie, seeing this burgeoning relationship as maeve’s came to an end hurt. brett let go and turned to maeve who stopped in her tracks. “hey, brett. thank you for coming.” she half-smiled politely. the two hadn’t exchanged many words but had been kind to one another— mostly for andie’s sake on both of their parts.

“hey. of course. happy birthday.” from his pocket, he produced a small box covered in gold, metallic paper and offered it to her. “it’s not much but i got you a little something.”

maeve accepted it, surprised. “oh, uh. brett, you didn’t have to do that.” she looked down at the gift in her hands. despite it being her birthday, she hadn’t actually expected anyone to bring her gifts, especially not brett li of all people. they were friendly but maeve would hardly call him a friend yet.

“and come empty-handed to a birthday party?” he chuckled, “i’m not that kind of guy. like i said, it’s nothing special. just something to celebrate.” he depreciated his actions and gave a small shrug.

“well, thank you. you’re too sweet.” she gave him a quick hug, standing on her toes like she had to with james. she stepped back, still holding the gift awkwardly.

brett turned and placed a hand on andie’s shoulder, “hey, i’m gonna go inside. want me to grab you a drink?” she watched as andie’s cheeks tinged red further from the boy than the cold.

“i’d love that, i’ll be right in.” giving brett a smile, andie’s eyes followed him as he walked in the door and through the throngs of people.

as soon as the tall boy was out of their visual field, maeve gave a short, sharp nudge to andie’s rib with her elbow, “oh, come on! now you have to tell him otherwise we’ll both look bad.” she glared at andie who looked away sheepishly. she realized that she may be the pot calling the kettle black as she pushed andie to spill her secret to the party involved in it while maeve remained silent, keeping many of her own. she hated the weight she bore and wouldn’t wish it on anyone— especially her best friend.

“okay, okay! fine! i will. jeez!” andie let out a laugh but maeve knew that as soon as andie saw the handsome, dark-haired athlete, she’d lose all intentions to tell him the truth. when andie thought maeve wasn’t looking, her eyes drifted longingly towards the doorway where brett’s silhouette had just been housed. “you’ll be okay if i go inside for a bit, won’t you?”

maeve nodded, taking a deep breath of the bracing air. it filled her chest and chilled her lungs deep within. “totally. i think…i need a moment for myself anyway.” a sad smile rested on her face and andie’s brows drew together, wishing there was more she could do aside from support maeve through her pain.

“alright, just find me if you need me. or i’ll find you later.” andie nodded before embracing maeve who responded half-heartedly to the tight hug that pushed the air from her lungs. maeve’s chin rested on andie’s shoulder where her senses were invaded by the familiar cotton candy body splash. this hug could have been for either of the two girls. “i love you so much, mae. things are gonna work out.” in truth, andie didn’t know if she was saying it because she believed it or because she needed it to be true. pulling away, andie’s hands trailed down maeve’s arms before giving a light squeeze when sad brown eyes met green. “it’s gonna be a good year. promise.”

bittersweet and heartbroken, maeve was only able to bring herself to give a whisper of a smile as she responded, “i love you too, andie.” in truth, she couldn’t make herself respond to the idea of things working out or the insistence that the year that lay ahead would be good— it hurt too much. with one last look, andie entered the house and shed her coat before carefully hanging it on the crowded coat rack and going on the hunt for brett.

maeve chewed on her lower lip as she turned the small gift over and over in her hand. if she did it anymore, she would tarnish the gold paper. it was nearly ninety minutes to midnight and each tick of the clock felt like years lost. she closed her eyes, tilting her head up, squaring her jaw, and swallowing the warm tears that rose. she couldn’t help but fear they’d freeze to her face out here while exposed to the elements. she felt sick, her stomach flipping like an olympic gymnast doing their floor routine. it was aggressive and unending. when she opened her eyes, the nausea passed and the snowy cold came back to her once more, her awareness piqued.

exhaling, maeve allowed herself to muffle her feelings. the familiar static numbness coursed through her body like a lazy current in the ocean as she concentrated on her goal. she was uncertain whether she could make it through the evening while feeling everything so deeply. the emotions dampened as if she’d insulated them under wet blankets. pasting a smile on to her face, maeve stood and walked through the front door with her shoulders back— out of the frying pan and in to the fire.

— one hour to midnight —

the sharp clinking of metal gently hitting glass easily broke the animated conversations that carried throughout the party. maeve looked up from where she sat with alice and brendan and saw her aunt and uncle— mom and dad— waiting for everyone to slowly quiet themselves so they could speak. maeve felt her face turn several deep shades of maroon when robert’s eyes found her, his roguish grin spread wide. in mary’s hand was a plate with a cupcake centered upon it. stuck ceremoniously in to the large swirl of frosting was a tapered, gold birthday candle. she’d begged them not to have a cake or make a fuss; maeve hadn’t even wanted gifts but they’d insisted on a true party.

“so, happy new year.” robert called out, everyone’s attention settling to him as a hush fell over the partygoers. his smile didn’t fade. “maeve didn’t want me to do this but what kind of dad doesn’t want to embarrass their daughter as publicly and loudly as possible.” her shoulders shook with a silent laugh, the blush going nowhere. “we really just wanted to say happy birthday, magpie.” he angled his glass towards her, his smile softening when he used the childhood nickname that he’d been the one to bestow upon her.

she felt tears spring to her eyes, her chest rising and falling with a sniffle. as a child, she’d always been a little daring and a fighter. she’d had to be when her parents left her so often to fend for herself. anything she was told that she couldn’t do, she took as a challenge. once when she’d been staying with mary and robert on a visit to indiana, robert had caught her as she threw herself from the top of the slide on a playground, insistent that she’d fly and be fine once she was in the air. he knew mary would smite him if he brought his niece home with stitches and bruises. she had sent them away while she was finishing dinner. a young maeve with a missing bottom tooth, two long braids, and dark freckles speckling her face had laughed and laughed as her uncle spun her around. once her feet had been set gently upon the ground, he’d commented that she was like the extremely intelligent, dive-bombing birds that he’d come across in asia. from then, it stuck. as they walked from the playground back to her aunt and uncle’s house, she’d begged him to tell her all about the birds. after dinner, he’d found the information about the bird in the encyclopedia and read it to her as she fell asleep. aside from robert, and by extension samuel, no one ever really called her magpie.

“we’re so glad you’re here and we love you.” there was so much more beneath those words than anyone else knew and she gave a teary-smile as they approached her. robert offered a hand for her to stand which she took, her embarrassment growing as all eyes from the party landed on her. a hundred eyes pointed in her direction and she felt her entire body grow warm. “happy birthday, maeve.” he raised his glass and all those who had glasses did the same, murmuring the words before sinking back their drinks.

mary held the cupcake up to her level and watched maeve affectionately. “make a wish!” she implored as maeve sniffled once more, still smiling at her aunt. she closed her eyes and allowed everything to fade away for a moment before her lips puckered and she blew a short, steady stream of air that extinguished the candle. brought from her reverie by the claps of her guests, she watched as the smoke curled and drifted away. mary offered the confection to her but maeve shook her head, opting to hug her tightly first before turning to robert and doing the same while mumbling her appreciation.

“thank you.” using the back of her finger, she brushed under her lashes, ensuring the tears hadn’t smudged the kohl liner down her face.

“always, honey.” mary smiled before she nodded towards the crowd, silently telling maeve to mingle while she and robert went to do the same.

taking a deep breath, maeve turned and let her eyes scan across the crowd. it was inadvertant but the guests were divided up by factions of maeve’s life. her best friends, her acquaintances from school, her parents’ friends from work, the parents of other teens in hawkins all stood apart, interacting within their own group as the night progressed, flowing together but never mixing like a slick of oil on top of water. she flitted around to each group, socializing; thanking the adults for attending and answering questions about how school was going or what she was going to do with the rest of her holiday break, laughing with her close and more distant friends from hawkins high school. it was exhausting.

excusing herself from another conversation, she swung by the drink table and picked up another coupe of champagne. maeve was finally alone with her thoughts and, for that, she was ungrateful for the time left to ruminate on her decisions— all she’d been able to focus on was the impending implosion of her relationship. drawn from her thoughts by a hand on the small of her back, she turned to see james. she was finally able to take him in for the first time since their awkward talk when he had arrived earlier; his broad shoulders easily filled out his coat, his large hand dwarfed the dainty champagne coupe.

“hey!” maeve gave a small smile which was returned in kind; her breath hitched in her lungs. she was grateful that james wasn’t angry, and that he’d even shown up tonight. she wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d chosen to stay home but she knew he would have never missed this.

“hey.” james nodded, dropping his hand from her. as it came to rest by his side, he awkwardly opened and closed it in to and from a fist multiple times. it was like he was trying to rewire his brain; what she wanted, he’d give her. if she didn’t want to be together, if she found someone else. if it was time or space or if she wanted the world, he’d give it to her if he could.

it wasn’t as if she could miss him; he was right in front of her but she felt like she was a million miles away. searching for something to talk about, maeve felt lost before she settled on observing what was tangible rather than how she felt. “so, you got some champagne?”

“yeah, your mom kind of shoved it in my hand after she caught me getting a glass of water.” running a hand through his shaggy hair, he chuckled and shrugged.

“yeah, she’s kind of big on celebratory things.” maeve took a long sip of her own drink, her eyes staying on him.

“i never would have guessed.” he deadpanned, looking around the bustling room, his eyes sparkling as they took in the decorations and food, the music and people that laughed and danced and talked about the past three hundred and sixty-five days. his eyes landed on maeve and he gave her a crooked smile, her favorite smile of his. she laughed softly in to her glass, looking down at her feet before looking back up to meet his eyes. clad in pumps, it was strange to be so much closer to james’ height despite him towering over her by six inches rather than the usual ten. between andie and her mother, maeve’s ankles hardly stood a chance when put up against the torture devices on her feet.

“do you—“

“i—“

the two both stopped, talking over one another. there was a moment of silence before they both laughed awkwardly. there was still a current of electricity that ran between the two. finishing her drink, maeve sat the glass down before she crossed her arms over her midsection. she gave him a small nod, “you first.”

“i was just going to ask...if you maybe wanted to dance?” he nodded towards the crowd of people gathered in the middle of the living room. the standish family’s normal furniture had been pushed aside to the walls to leave room for mingling throughout the evening. the upbeat music was pumping out through the speakers, filling the small space.

maeve drew her lower lip in, trapping it between her teeth. what would the repercussions be? what would andie say? what about her parents? would he think she changed her mind? before she could talk herself out of it, she nodded. it was like their last hurrah. as the bouncing drums from ‘modern love’ beat, james sat down his glass and offered his hand with a grin. maeve couldn’t help but respond in the same way as he pulled her to the middle of the room— it was her party after all. blushing as he twirled her out under his arm then pulled her close, maeve giggled when james began mouthing the words along with the song. tilting her head back, maeve laughed in full as they spun and swayed. her teased curls were ruffled from the motion and her cheeks had turned a merry shade of red from the laughter and excitement; he looked as thoroughly happy as maeve did, grinning down at her. when the song came to a close, it felt like things were okay. for just a moment, she allowed herself to forget the future.

as she took several deep breaths from the laughter and dancing, her smile gradually faded as she remembered where she was and what she was doing. under his palms, he felt maeve’s muscles tense and he gently rubbed her back with his thumbs trying to smooth out the knots; he would do anything for her not to leave right now. the two heard the telltale clicking and static as the vinyl switched to the next automatically. in the silence, he smiled down at her before tucking a curly tendril behind one of her ears; her small smile thanked him wordlessly.

a gentle, strumming acoustic guitar broke the silence and filled the air around them. the slow melody made maeve want to run; it felt far too intimate and she felt bare in front of him. more so than she wanted to run, she wanted to stay in his arms for as long as she could. as if james knew, and he always did, he pulled her closer. maeve delicately rested her head against his chest; she could feel his warmth radiating through his black shirt and coat. one of her arms crawled up his chest and came to rest on his shoulder like a slowly creeping vine. she felt him take the other in his hand. maeve pressed her eyes shut, forcing herself to breathe. in. out. in. out. in. out. she felt one of his hands span across her hip and his chin come to rest on top of her head.

‘if i should stay, i would only be in your way.’

as the soft warble of dolly parton’s lyrics came from the speakers, it felt like a knife had been stabbed in to maeve’s stomach. her insides clenched tightly and she was grateful that james couldn’t see her face. of all of the music her dad had chosen tonight, why this song? why right now? it was like she couldn’t get a break from the universe; she wanted to run but her feet carried her nowhere, opting instead to stand in james’ embrace and sway.

‘so i’ll go, but i know: i’ll think of you each step of the way.’

while the short chorus played, she heard james clear his throat, his hand on her hip gripping just a bit tighter than it had before. she could feel his touch burning in to her skin and had no want to soothe it. maeve was certain that if she were to look up and meet his eyes, she’s find the same tears that were stinging her own— like dark embers from a fire fading under water.

‘bittersweet memories, that’s all i am taking with me. goodbye, please don’t cry. we both know that i’m not what you need.’

maeve had thought those words with repetitious vigor over the past two weeks. ‘i’m not what you need. i’m sorry for hurting you but i am not what you need.’ when dolly began declaring she’d always love someone for a second time, maeve felt the dam holding her tears finally give way and break. a spot on his shirt gradually soaked through to his skin but she couldn’t force herself to stop; her shoulders shook gently with the sobs and she felt him pull her closer as if he could protect her from herself. maeve could feel all of the tension in his body while he struggled not to do the same. she felt cruel. she was the one who was choosing this and he was the one that was going to be left to deal with the aftermath. like a natural disaster, maeve felt like she left chaos in her wake wherever she went. james shouldn’t have to be the strong one, not this time, not when she had forced his hand.

‘i hope life treats you kind and i hope that you have all that you ever dreamed of. and i wish you joy and happiness, but above all of this, i wish you love.’

the spoken words pulled maeve from her thoughts and she finally brought herself to pull her head away from his chest and tilt her head back to meet his eyes.

‘and i will always love you.’

two broken people stared at one another and maeve felt her chest collapse. there was a beat before james dropped his forehead to rest against her’s. she squeezed her eyes shut once more, pained at the circumstances, pained at the devastation painted across his face. as the final chorus drew to an end, the two had stopped swaying all together. they stood still, tight in an embrace, in the sea of party guests. amidst all of the other couples, no one paid them any attention; they didn’t look like anyone special. by the end, it was hard to tell which tears came from whose eyes as they merged like tributaries to the sea while they allowed themselves to cry for what they were due to lose.

even when the song ended and another began, neither moved. maeve sniffled, opening her exhausted, stinging eyes finally. the chocolate irises were surrounded by redness but, when they found contact with each other, she noticed that james’ eyes looked no better than her’s felt. his hands came up to cup her face, gently brushing her tears away with his thumbs. she gave a silent sob as he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead before taking a step back, his hands ghosted over her shoulders and down her bare arms, their fingers brushing before he no longer touched her at all.

like a tide’s ebb, maeve felt the panic that had receded come to the surface once more and the walls felt like they were pushing in on her. “i need to— i’m going to get some water.” she nodded and stood straighter, brushing her hands over the skirt of her dress. “i’ll talk to you in just a bit.” she tried and failed to give some semblance of a smile and maeve felt her voice crack. ducking her head to avoid his eyes, she turned to leave the room. there was a clear path to the empty kitchen and maeve followed it, her breathing strained as she tried to keep herself pieced together in front of her guests.

nearly across the threshold, maeve felt a small hand dart out to take her’s. her stomach lurched as her head twisted to face the person quickly, their grip going slack when they noticed her apprehension. nancy wheeler’s straight, full brows were drawn together in worry, her eyes soft as she saw the redness in maeve’s eyes and face. “hey, are you alright?” a frown graced her delicately angled features. in her peripheral vision, she saw steve harrington shift his weight on his feet, clearly uncomfortable as he struggled to speak or stay quiet. he knew maeve and andie were best friends; she didn’t think there was a person in hawkins that was unaware of the fact. the history between the popular boy and the future valedictorian was icy at best and he, rightfully, didn’t know where he stood with the new girl in town.

she knew nancy in passing— they had class together, they’d worked together on projects and talked in the hall but the one thing that had bonded the two was something neither spoke about. the monster that had appeared in the byers’ home with steve, jonathan, james, nancy and herself was something that had not left a corner of her mind unoccupied since she saw it. “oh! i’m fine— i think i just got some glitter in my eye. or like an eyelash or something...” she struggled to give a small laugh, waving her off. she saw steve open his mouth and she cut him off before he even had a chance to speak, “thank you for asking though. you two should have some champagne.” maeve motioned to the general vicinity of the table, “i’ll see you later on.” she nodded, smiling softly before she hurried away. the exhaustion was all encompassing. she didn’t turn back as she ducked in to the breakfast nook. maeve knew if she turned back, she’d see the broken expression that james was wearing and it would never leave her mind.

he knew.

he knew this was going to be goodbye. she knew too. it was ending. tucked away from everyone else, she rested her back against the wallpapered wall and tilted her head skyward. it bumped against the wall but she ignored the dull ache; it was the least painful thing she’d experienced thus far tonight. her eyes drifted to the cat clock on the wall, its tail swinging and eyes shifting as each second ticked past; forty five minutes until midnight.

— half an hour to midnight —

from the kitchen which had gradually filled, maeve followed the wall to her parents’ room. removed from the party, she could hear the music muffled through the door and the joyful chatterings of those excited or inebriated. careful not to rumple the skirt of her dress, she lowered herself to the ground at the foot of the bed. the shadows from the single-lamp lit room fell across her face and she pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly. the familiar position brought her comfort as she rested her forehead against her knees, taking several shuttering breaths and willing her tears to stop. when that didn’t work, maeve tilted her head back to the ceiling and closed her eyes as if she could use gravity and force the tears to retreat behind her eyes.

sprung from her thoughts, maeve heard the doorknob wiggle and she straightened, her legs falling flat to the floor as she braced herself on her hands. turning towards the door, she quickly did an inventory of anyone who could have come looking for her: her parents were entertaining their friends, andie was last seen speaking with cameron and morgan, and samuel was at the babysitter’s. that left one person. “james…i—“

when the door opened fully, her words stopped and hung in the air. a broad, stocky figure filled the space of the door and was backlit from the warm, yellow lights that bathed the rest of the party.

“shit, maeve. sorry.” brett li looked around, running a hand through his hair. “i was looking for the bathroom.” he finished awkwardly, avoiding her eyes as though he’d come across her in a state of indecency when the light from behind him finally illuminated her tearstreaked face.

using the back of her hand to blot at some tears, maeve shook her head. “no, that’s the door on the right.” her voice was steadier than she thought it would have been and she fought to dampen her emotions further.

“thanks.” he moved to take a step back but paused, contemplating whether or not to brooch the subject. “you okay?” being sensitive or friendly wasn’t exactly in brett’s wheelhouse but he would try for andie’s sake. maeve was her best friend— he’d been told enough times.

his question was met with a short snort and a roll of her eyes, “i’m doing fine.” he knew that she obviously wasn’t. maeve’s immediate response had always been to play defense when she was caught being vulnerable. there was something so stripping and scary that she wanted to push away.

“you don’t look fine.” brett shot back, tilting his head towards her.

maeve let out a huff, her eyes cutting back at him. “wow, brett. you sure know how to compliment a woman. or am only i that lucky?”

he crossed his arms, and leaned against the door jamb. he looked suave, the perfect picture of a cool guy from a teen film. “you know what i mean.” and she did. she knew exactly what he meant. the two sat in a stalemate for several moments before he stepped in to the room completely, coming to take a seat beside her, his long legs out straight in front of him. “what are you thinking about?”

she paused and looked over at him, hesitating. was she really going to bare her soul to brett li? looking down at her hands, she grimaced. “that stupid dolly parton song isn’t even a love song, you know? it’s on an album called ‘the best love songs of all time’ or some bullshit but it’s not a love song.” she continued, her quiet voice coming rapidly. “it’s about a breakup and not like one from every other country song where there’s a stupid pickup truck and someone’s baby got left behind. it’s about leaving someone— actually leaving them— because you know it’s what’s best for them even if it isn’t what you want to do. and it’s ridiculous to make it seem like it’s this happy, world-ending declaration of love because it’s obviously not. it just— it hurts to do something like that.” the words fell from maeve before she even knew what she was going to say. she exhaled and didn’t look up at him, almost wishing the floor would absorb her.

brett raised his eyebrows at everything that maeve had just allowed to overflow. “that…sounds like it’s personal.” there was a beat before he ventured to ask the same question as he had earlier in hopes that maybe she’d answer it truthfully this time. “are you okay?”

finally turning her head to look at him, she pressed her lips together and gave a small shrug after taking a deep breath. “no, i’m not okay.”

“do you want to talk about it?” he let his eyes drift over her face, a small frown coming to rest on it. “i’m actually a pretty good listener.” he spoke quietly, a small smile playing on the corner of his lips. he hadn’t been a great listener before andie but with the talkative girl, he’d quickly learned.

“i’m breaking up with james.” the words filled the silence of the room. it felt like she was drowning in them.

“i’m sorry.” brett’s response was short but sincere as he watched her shift uncomfortably with the situation. facing forward once more, he drummed his fingers on the floor, not wanting to force her to talk about what was happening. from what he’d seen, they were a cute couple. the older guy was wrapped around maeve’s finger and she showed more affection to him than he’d seen her with anyone else. even casual touches like a graze of a hand or a squeeze of an arm, they seldom parted when he’d seen them together around town.

“thank you.” she swallowed the lump in her throat, chipping off some nail polish from her thumb. “you know, you’re the only person that i’ve told that hasn’t asked me why.” maeve observed softly.

“i figure that, if you want me to know, you’ll tell me.” brett gave a small shrug. he, of all people, knew it sucked to have things that you’d rather keep private set free in to the world.

nodding, she gave a very small but grateful hint of a smile before looking back down. it was almost easier to talk about this with brett than with andie or alice or brendan. brett didn’t know her history with james; he was objective. she laced her fingers together, bringing them up to rest under her chin. “i guess, i’m afraid that somehow he’ll get hurt if we stay together. but if i end it now, maybe the only hurt he’s going to really feel is this.” she gestured with her hands as if the pain was in front of her, as if it was tangible. maybe it was?

brett looked away and gave a small nod of understanding before breaking the silence again, “well, that’s kind of bullshit.”

maeve leaned forward, rounding on him, her cheeks flushing in frustration. “excuse me?”

“i said that’s kind of bullshit.” he repeated, giving a nonchalant shrug. “people make their own choices and he’s choosing to be with you. why do you get to decide when, or if, he gets hurt?” maeve frowned, both at his words and their implication. andie had obviously not yet spoken to brett about what she’d done; if she had, maeve wondered, would brett still feel the same way? “look,” he exhaled, meeting her eyes again, “if it were me, i’d just want the truth. then i could decide what i want instead of someone else choosing for me.”

they both knew that he was making a valid point but maeve dug her heels in. “it’s just— it’s not that simple.”

“it’s always that simple.” brett retorted and turned to face her, their shoulders squared. “the truth always comes out sometime, maeve. trust me— i know first hand.” he softened as her face began to redden and her eyes turned glassy. brett may have been a jerk but he wasn’t a monster; he didn’t want maeve to cry alone in a room on her birthday. “why do you get to make that decision? is it just because you think you’re doing what’s best for the both of you?” the question was genuine, he wasn’t trying to push her to feel bad.

“i never said it was what’s best for me.” maeve shrugged, avoiding answering part of his question.

“the whole idea of self-preservation was wasted on you, wasn’t it?” his quip was rewarded with a wry smile.

they both knew there would be no more discussion on the topic as maeve let her walls build back up, fortified once more. “i’ll be fine. i’ve survived worse.” she took a deep breath, trying to regain some composure.

maeve could feel brett’s eyes on her and she cocked an eyebrow, waiting for him to say anything. his thousand-watt smile covered his face, “you know, you may scare everyone else but you don’t scare me.” he pointed out, teasingly.

“hurt my best friend and, i promise, i will.” maeve shot back quickly, and brett sat up a bit straighter. he wasn’t expecting that quick or sharp of a comeback but he laughed nonetheless and maeve joined him after a moment. this may have been the lightest she felt all evening. as they settled down, maeve kept her eyes on him as a small, genuine smile came to rest on her lips.

“what?” his brow was furrowed.

tilting her head to the side, she nodded slightly. “nothing. i just, i get it now.”

“get what?” he felt like there was a joke that he was missing out on.

“why andie is so smitten with you.” she rolled her eyes. while the cracks in the foundation of the relationship were apparent to those who knew the truth, maeve couldn’t help but feel happy for her best friend.

the normally self-certain boy’s cheeks flushed red as he stammered, “uh, i—“

maeve cut him off before he could make up some excuse or say something stupid, “just get back out there.” she shook her head as he stood. he offered her a hand, like an olive branch in a sign of peace, with a kind but not pitying smile. accepting it, brett pulled her to her feet and turned to exit when he was stopped by her voice. “thank you, for checking on me, brett.”

from over his shoulder, the corner of his mouth quirked up in to a smile and he nodded in response before he was gone. the door was closed and maeve was alone once more, she sat gently on top of the quilt covering her parents’ bed. she traced the stitching of her grandmother’s handiwork absentmindedly.

begrudgingly, maeve knew that he was right. she was making this decision for both of them like she was the only person who mattered, ‘james would never choose this for himself.’ but perhaps that is what made this a dangerous pas de deux. there was a push and pull while there was a force at work manipulating all of the movements and decisions that were to be made and it was something bigger than either of them. she was making this decision because james mattered— because she wanted him to have a chance at a normal life even if that wasn’t with her.

leaning over to read the small alarm clock, maeve noticed that there wasn’t much time left in the evening and her stomach plummeted once more. she couldn’t hide from her guests forever. standing, she made her way to the mirror and gently wiped her face. swiping some powder from a compact resting on her mom’s side of the dresser, she blotted over the tearstreaks down her cheeks and shook her head almost impreceptibly as she sighed. in the mirror, maeve watched as her tongue came out to gently wet her dry lips before she attempted a genuine smile that only looked a little heartbroken. it was as good as things were going to get, she was resigned to herself. rolling her shoulders back and gracefully exiting the room, maeve smiled and greeted guests she’d seldom seen all evening while silently praying that time would slow down for just a little while longer.

— minutes to midnight —

when she’d heard the joyous shout of five minutes until midnight, maeve had quickly slipped on her coat and out through the back door in the kitchen. answering questions or faking happiness that she couldn’t feel at the moment were the last things she wanted to do and the only way to avoid those were to be alone. as she exited in to the night, it looked as though she were running away. she hurried down the steps, buttoning her coat and fervidly checking over her shoulder to ensure she was escaping unseen or that she wasn’t being followed. carefully stepping on the mossy cobblestones that led from the back yard to the front of the house, she had hurried up the porch stairs and over to take a seat on the swing. bathed in stripes of a warm yellow light, she was just out of sight from prying eyes within. through the picture window, the party inside continued until the socializing was called to a halt by the patriarch of the standish family.

robert held his glass out in a gesture to toast as mary placed a record on the turn table and turned down the volume on the television showing ‘dick clark’s new year’s rockin’ eve.’

“hello, all! thank you for coming out tonight.” he nodded, looking around, a content smile on his face. “first, i want to toast to the new year. may it be better than the last!” a small chuckle bounced around the crowd as glasses rose to match his. “every year since we got together, mary and i put on this bing crosby song and dance in the new year together. so, everyone grab the person you want to spend next year with because it’s almost here.” he took a sip of his drink before giving a nod to mary who dropped the needle against the vinyl. the brassy horns swirled around the room and people paired off with one another, arms threading around waists and necks.

james houseman stood against the wall, the bottle of beer in his hand that he’d held for the past hour was empty but he held it still, not wanting to be plied with other alcohol. as he glanced around the room, he couldn’t find the warm eyes and curly hair he was looking for. maeve had been avoiding him all night; she hadn’t changed her mind but that didn’t stop him from wanting to spend the next, and every, year with her. a gentle movement through the window was caught his peripheral vision.

dropping her chin to her chest, maeve clenched her eyes shut. she knew it was time. exhaling sharply, she moved to stand. maeve hesitated a moment before she approached the door. it felt like the world around her tunneled; she saw the small windows on the top of the door before it opened as she reached for its golden handle.

in the frigid cold, the couple stood face to face and alone. as the jazzy swing of the song filled the air, he gave a sad smile down at maeve. “could i have this dance?”

her breath caught in her chest and she nodded wordlessly. taking his outstretched hand, he stepped out to be with her. they stood together as they had hours earlier when they’d danced for the first time that evening. resting her head against his chest, she closed her eyes. he knew it was the end just as well as she did.

in silence, they danced together for a moment until it was broken with the deep rumbles of his voice. “i know that…you haven’t changed your mind.”

“james…” she exhaled.

“but it’s okay, maeve.” he quickly stopped her, “it’s okay. i promise— if it’s what you want, then i’ll be okay.” maeve felt him nod, as if he were trying to convince himself of this. “you know, i— uh…” he trailed off and maeve waited. she knew he needed time and, that, he deserved. what he didn’t deserve was this pain she’d pushed upon him. when he spoke again, his voice was strained. “i’ve always heard that sometimes you need to let something go…and it will come back to you if it’s meant to be.”

warm tears streamed down maeve’s face as she pressed her forehead against his shoulder. her shuttering breath caused her to shake as his hand drifted up and down, silently counting the vertebrae of her spine through the thick wool of her coat. she was grateful that her face was hidden from his earnest eyes.

“i have to believe that.” james’ rich voice was low and determined, “i have to believe that, if you and i are meant to be like i think— no, like i know we are, then we’ll find our way back to eachother.” as she took a step back, he was finally able to see her. james eyes traced the planes of her face, taking in the familiar freckles and smooth skin, as he continued. “sometime, somewhere, i know we will.” his sad, small smile broke her heart in to more pieces than it had already shattered in to.

“james, i’m so sorry.” her voice broke, and she closed her eyes tightly tilting her head down before looking back up at him. maeve had felt pain before. she’d been ripped apart from the inside out, she’d been unsure if she’d survive but she had to make sure that he would be safe. she had to make sure that james would be safe no matter what she actually wanted. from the living room, they heard the loud countdown to the new year begin. she looked over to the window, watching the excited occupants before her head turned back to face him. “please kiss me.“

“nine!”

“just one last time.” she whispered.

“eight!”

“please?”

james’ face was pained as he gave a small nod. he stepped closer and leaned down to her as she rose on her toes to meet him. when their lips found one another’s, there was a new desperation that neither had felt before. the frantic, pent-up emotion of the past week came to fruition. both of her hands rested on his face, almost wishing that she could selfishly keep him here in this moment forever. the cheering from inside as the clock struck one barely roused them.

as a firework burst in the night, they broke apart. he hugged her to his body tightly and she did the same, trying to smother the sobs against his chest. she’d never felt lower.

booming explosions and screams from firecrackers filled the air, the upbeat music inside returned as people celebrated with a new found vigor. after several minutes, james took a step back, his hands coming to rest on her upper arms. the two watched the frenzied, colorful explosions as they rose in to the sky, shimmering and disappearing just as their relationship had.

his red eyes shone with unshed tears as he reached up to tuck some of her hair behind her ear, uncovering her face. he pressed his lips gently against her forehead, murmuring, “happy new year, maeve standish.”

“happy new year, james houseman.” her voice cracked. his hand brushed down her shoulder to her hand, where their fingertips lingered for just a moment. james gave her a sad smile and hesitantly drew his hands back, tucking them in his pockets. he took a few steps backwards before he turned to head down the stairs and to his car.

‘we too have run around the slopes and picked the daisies fine, we’ve wondered many weary foot since auld lang syne.’

maeve silently prayed to whichever deity was listening for james not to turn back. not to look at her. not to ask her to change her mind because she knew she would— she wasn’t that strong.

‘for auld lang syne, my dear. for auld lang syne. we’ll take a cup of kindness yet for auld lang syne.’

numbly, she watched the familiar car roar to life before it slowly moved down the road, turning out of sight. maeve could feel the tears rise in her throat. hurrying inside, she ducked up the stairs towards her room. closing the door, she forcefully kicked off her shoes and ripped her dress off, leaving the shiny fabric in a crumpled heap on the ground. maeve pulled on her pajamas and collapsed on to her bed, finally allowing herself to cry without restraint. was this what it felt like to lose a piece of yourself?

— after midnight —

brett’s arms had seldom strayed from around andie all evening. the lightly tipsy girl’s flushed cheeks gave away that she enjoyed this intimacy far more than she let on to anyone. playing it cool was not in the vernacular of andrea peterson. curled together on the couch among some of their peers, andie turned her head partially toward’s brett as he murmured the time in her hair, “it’s one fourty-five.” her parents had given her two hours after midnight to come home safely; though andie may have been one of the most responsible teenagers in hawkins, she was still their only child that strived on structure.

andie tilted her head back and forth, her neck stiff from the angle at which she’d propped herself against his body. sitting up straight, she let out a soft sigh as her arms stretched high above her. brett leaned over and caught her cheek in a soft kiss and andie let out an uncharacteristically girlish giggle before she turned her head and allowed him to place a gentle peck upon her lips. the two teens were ignorant to the eyerolls of their peers and were lost in themselves. “okay, okay.” standing, andie looked around the party and a frown appeared on her face, a crease forming on her brow. “wait— have you seen maeve?”

“not since…shit. i don’t know. did you tell her happy new year?” brett stood as well, walking towards the rack on which their coats had been hung with care. he draped them across his arm and moved back towards andie who was still thinking intensely.

“i don’t remember.” guilt rose in andie and she walked around the familiar home, her frown deepening at every corner that she was unable to find maeve. “maybe she’s just getting ready for bed. i’ll be right back.” andie spoke, already ascending the stairs.

“tell her i said happy new year!” brett called after her, shrugging his own coat over his shoulders as he watched her turn the corner to the second floor.

andie walked up the stairs and turned to her right, an ornate ‘m’ sign on the door in front of her. beneath the wood, she saw a sliver of light still shining. her best friend was as introverted as they came; andie was certain that, even without the break up, maeve was likely exhausted from the evening and had taken to hiding out alone until the evening wound down. “mae?” her voice was soft as she used a knuckle to gently rap at the door. andie paused, waiting for the telltale shuffle of maeve coming to the door, and was greeted with silence. with a slightly louder knock and call of her name, andie worried her bottom lip at the lack of response. “maeve?” after waiting just a few seconds longer, andie let her hand come to rest on the clear acrylic knob, twisting it open.

in the corner of the room, the standing lamp continued lighting the area with a soft hum of the warm, yellow halogen bulb. her eyes landed on the bed where maeve was resting. while she’d changed in to a long sleeve nightgown that rested at her midthigh, her hair and makeup from the party were still intact. the pillow pressed against the side of maeve’s face as she laid diagonally across the bed, on her stomach, and over the covers. her arms embraced the pillow, smushing the sham, as if it were a life preserver and the only thing left to keep her afloat. ‘god, she sleeps like the dead.’ andie had a small smile and mused to herself; the two had previously had many sleepovers during which maeve would stay up far later than andie, taking in the evening and letting her mind wander, before sleeping well past andie’s internal alarm clock at seven in the morning, or seven thirty on weekends. taking a few steps closer with the intention of waking her, andie finally got a better look at her face and felt her chest collapse at the pain still on the girl’s face even in a state of unconsciousness.

maeve’s sleeping brain was not allowing her anything resembling a restful night of sleep. on repeat, she saw james driving away. she walked away from him after their dance. she kissed him one last time. she dreamed of running to him, running to his home and standing outside in the snowy darkness and apologizing but, through the frosted windowpane, he was deaf to her.

her tears had carried streaks of mascara down her face and soaked in to the pillow, leaving small black specks. the wine color she’d had on her lips was smudged in to the fabric. her hair which had been carefully curled and teased had matted and flattened. her cheeks and nose were still ruddy and her eyes, although closed, still seemed swollen from all of the tears that had been shed. “oh, mae…” andie’s soft voice trailed off, heartbroken for her best friend. she sighed and gently brushed a hand over her head, swiping stray hairs off of her forehead.

looking around, andie found a frilly, baby pink throw blanket that had been pushed far against the foot of the bed over the course of maeve’s descent to sleep. she slid it from under her ankles gently and, quietly, she unfolded it and draped it across maeve who burrowed further in to the new warmth that surrounded her. giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze, andie quietly padded over to the lamp and turned the switch, allowing it to click off and enrobe them in darkness. she carefully walked to the door, taking caution not to step on any particularly creaky or loose boards. “happy new year, maeve.” andie said softly and gave her friend one last look, glad maeve was asleep because she’d refuse the pity that andie felt for her if she were conscious. “it’s gonna be a good year.” she repeated her promise from earlier, certain that if nothing else worked out for maeve over the next three hundred and sixty-five days, she’d always have andie with her. with the click of the closing door, maeve was left alone once more in the dark, quiet sanctuary of her bedroom.

style inspiration: x song inspiration: x

#your stranger things life challenge #story #ystlc

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