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turnpage · 3 years

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❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜  ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness. ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives? ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you��d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control. ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly. ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope — It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together. ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase. ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord. ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you. ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory. ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are. ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences. ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise. ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table? ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place? ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable. ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you. ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner. ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away. ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. �� ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

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oh-for-fic-sake · 3 years

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The Stand In Chapter Fourteen

Masterlist

Summary: After your little adventure in the meadow henry has no issues with showing off the budding relationship. And you soon find that the closer you got the harder it was to ignore the attraction between you both. Henry was suffering just as much as you, so why not just ask to help?

Warnings: Adult Situations 18+, Smut, No Minors!!, Swearing, Hand Job, Slight Sounding, Ruined Orgasm, Horny Nerds Being Horny, Violence, Heated confrontation Fluff.

A/N: so ended up switching a few things around on this one. I'm proud of this though, I'm trying to make this realistic with their interactions with the anxiety and nerves but in the end love conquers all. I hope you all enjoy xx

wordcount: 21,000+ (sorry 😅)

Taglist- many tags aren't working and I'm unsrue why so I'm going to add them ass reblogs to try and fix it.

You shrunk into the seat of the car as henry pulled into set. He swung the car around parking it just between your and joeys buses. You saw Joey, Tee and Anya watching you both from the small tent awning Joey had on the front of his bus. They eyed you knowingly as they sat outside in the shade having a little break between takes.

"You know I forgot how fun these little Peugeots are! Shes like a little turbo go cart!" Henry said grinning ear from ear as he flicked off the ignition. And leaned slumping in the seat, then made you jump with a heavy hand landing on your thigh with a clap sound, his hand swooped down between your legs lightly smoothing the tiny swollen wound. You winced a little at the small sting but henry hushed you, pivoting in the seat to face you concerned, hand still smoothing over your leg, then patted as he spoke to you.

"Honey? You doing okay there? You look upset" he said slowly drawing your attention away from the others who were chatting away to one another stealing glances. And your not suprized, henry was driving topless and they could see it no doubt.

"Y-yeah I'm fine... I'm not upset just? Thinking is all?" you stuttered a little turning to face him pressing a hand to his curling your fingers around his thumb. Henry sighed, he could see the worry in your eyes. You were frightened of being judged, for some reason. He had to school his features as you bit your lip. He told himself it was because that had been the first time anything like that had happened. He was going to be your first everything. But you needed time to adjust to it, needed time to realise you were an adult and you were allowed to do these things. That it was okay- more then okay! Perfect even. You needed time to realise you were allowed to fall in love With him, and he had to give you a good enough reason.

"Hey its fine, please don't worry I've got you love, no one will know if we don't tell them... What we do is our business. We don't owe anyone any explanations and even if they do find out about our little naughtiness I doubt they will tell on us" he spoke up, trying to reassure you, he wanted you to know he had your back, that he understood and was with you every step of the way. He could remember his first ever sexual exploration. It was scary and new, but fantastic and rewarding. He wanted you to be comfortable. And you had been! You hadn't given him any indication you hadn't liked it. In fact your all but curled around him afterwards, blushing sweetly and littering his chest with kisses and soft caresses.

You were both on cloud nine, it was only when he got a few hundred yards away you began getting quiet and shy again. You thought they would know. Mind racing, feeling more and more upset with yourself as he drove the car into the carpark along side the busses.

" y/n if you want to keep this... relationship a secret a little longer I don't mind, I will wait as long as you need love-"

"I-its not that- I'm not ashamed of what we did...or do! I don't care if they know we are... together?" Henry nodded slowly smiling more and more. He couldn't help feeling a small sense of pride, he had a victory! You were coming around! He was ecstatic, it was the first time you ever admitted you were going steady. The first time he had heard you call this what it is. You were together. A couple, courting dating whatever! It all came to the same end result.

You were his, and he was yours exclusively. Henry was soo caught up in his excitement, the revelation that you were ready to be seen as his little lady about set 'officially' that he had almost missed your next words.

"I just I mean I'm not used to it is all... I'm happy with us though with how things are going...Like the dates and...Exploring and stuff..." you muttered squeezing his thumb in your hand trying not to sound whiney, or childish. But you were embarrassed.

"I just don't want you to feel that you have to let everyone know if you don't want to... if word got out, I don't want to embarrass you" you uttered quietly letting your fears come to light. You were uneasy and aware of what this could be seen as- people could mistake you for boyfriend and girlfriend and you didn't want them to until you knew yourself. For the time being you were just dating. Nothing was set in stone or official yet, and you wasn't going to press him and come across as a selfish, needy little virgin. Your eyes flicked to the others once more and a panic set in.

'what if they knew?- they could see it or smell it... And Henry isn't wearing a top- its fucking drenched! And... Oh my god I'm a fucking slag! They will know! Joey Anya- they would find out and then? Oh god no... This was a bad idea- he's gonna drop you now... Your a fucking slut! And ruined his tank... Because your a slut... OH GOD What is Tee gonna say? Would she judge you too? think your throwing yourself at henry? That you were too easy? Were you a whore? Slut? You'd let him do that in the middle of a fucking field? Wouldn't they all see that as something slutty?... What does he really think of me now?... I'm a fucking cheap slut, I should have stopped him, and... And then I'd? Regret it... could I ever regret it? He fucked me on his tongue?! HE FUCKED ME! OH GOD.. OH MY GOD , TALK ABOUT BAPTISM OF FIRE!... no no I'd never regret that, never regret my first sexual encounter being with this gorgeous man, strong gorgeous experienced man who had me riding his face like a champ'

Your thoughts raged and you slowly began flushing reliving the way he had managed to have you come undone to thoroughly, but suddenly you were snapped out of them by a warm set of lips pressing sweetly against yours. A hand cupping the back of your neck possessively. You moaned a little as henry pulled you to meet him in the middle of the car, snogging you over the hand break. You shivered drinking him in as he invaded, conquering your mouth with teeth and tongue that had a slightly different taste. Your tummy flipped as you realised it was probably you... But it didn't gross you out? Not like you thought it would, if anything it gave you a rush. He tasted of you, you had branded him in a way. Claimed his mouth for yourself in a new and enticing way. It made you feel smug.

He groaned tightening his hand on your thigh that he still held and began a languid journey north. His hand finally settled twisting cupping your still damp centre makeing you whine and try to arch away from him, stupidly you didn't want him to feel how needy you was for him. Which was silly as he knew by now just how much he turned you on.

"You still there honey?" he purred against your lips smiling as you fluttered your lashes at him, revealing a dazed set of eyes. You bit your lip and nodded trying to ignore the huge possesive hand holding you intimately.

"Good, I'd hate to loose your attention again~ especially when your thinking yourself in circles, making yourself guilty for something you shouldn't." He muttered into your cheek pressing kiss after kiss along the smooth skin moving lower and lower teasing your jaw with a sharp nip. His hand stayed put not moving at all, instead it was you who moved, unable to deny your hips from rolling onto his palm despite your knickers still being wet from your earlier activities. You were weak for him, and you wont even deny it.

"I'm so happy, so happy to hear you say that you don't want to hide love. I want nothing more then to parade you around set, to kiss and cuddle you as I see fit, I find it hard holding back sometimes I just want to scoop you up and steal kisses... Do you really mean it? Can I? Can I love you openly?" He asked in a needy tone you'd not heard before. Your heart seized as the word love left him. 'L-love did he just? HOLY SHIT... OH MY GOD-HE LOVES ME?! I... no no no ... just no he didn't say he loves you... just that he could love you as in affection... but he didn't say I love you so... But... He wants people to see! To know you were... a couple? Or dating, he isn't ashamed or anything! so that must count! It must mean he has real feelings! This isn't a fling! FUCK YOUR NOT IN A FLING! YOUR BUILDING A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP! Fuck yes! That's my man. My man. Henry Cavill, Mr thunder thighs himself- Geralt of mother fucking Rivia in the flesh- and what tantalising flesh it is... thick and fucking juicy'

Henry held his breath cursing inwardly as you froze face morphing into shock as he asked his final question. The word love slipping out, he didn't regret it, it was the truth. But he did panic, it was too early for him to say that! Fuck he was only just making this into a semi-public relationship. Still trying to convince you that he wanted you truly and he goes and jumps the gun, saying too much too soon. But he meant every word. Henry was in love with you it was just that simple. He opened his mouth to try and save himself some humiliation of being called out on it, or turned down. God forbid. But a smile lit up your face and you tipped your head to the side becoming shy flushing and twiddling your fingers nervously then spoke sweetly.

"I-yes Henry... There's no harm, I thought you didn't want to? Not in public anyway..." you uttered feeling light, you hadn't realised how much you had needed to hear him say the words out loud. That he wanted to be affectionate in public. I mean sure he was a little handsy in front of your parents but that was different they were your parents. But in front of the others? On set?

But then again you shouldn't be too surprised, the man had kissed you in front of the crew after 'that' scene. At the time you just thought... Well you wasn't sure what you'd thought. But you handt thought it was on purpose, it was an accident wasn't it? He hadn't meant to kiss you or hold you as he did.

"Of course I want to show affection to my girl~ I always want to kiss and hold you but.. I don't want to push you, don't want to frighten you away and screw everything up" he spoke into your jaw still lathering you with kisses then trailed further down, pressing an open mouthed kiss on your neck. You responded quietly groaning when his hot mouth captured your pulse point and his tongue danced over it swiping across it in fast motions mimicking what he had been doing earlier between your thighs then he pulled back ,sucking hard on the humming vein below making you whine.

"I-I'm not frightened, and and I don't think you can frighten me aw-ay... or s-screw up. I-I love the time we spend together and the direction we are heading in, I'm just shy and nervous your my-" You stopped the trembling in your voice and stuttering coming to an end. You didn't want to finish that sentence. He wasn't your anything, you went on dates but there was nothing officially said, he called you his but never his girlfriend or other half. So really you wasn't a proper couple quite yet. And honestly you wasn't sure how to approach the subject. Asking him to be your boyfriend seemed to juvenile but saying you wasn't a couple out loud could ruin what relationship you had with one another. It was a risk you didn't want to take.

"I just? I wasn't frightened okay?. Of any of that, I was just ah!~ wond-dering if they will report you for drivi-ing uninsured" you said with a small shy smile gasping placing a hand to his chest as he helped himself to your slim neck, gnawing gently before dragging his teeth over the now damp skin. You groaned as his hand on your crotch began moving slowly side to side fingers curling them, clawing at you teasingly as if trying to tear a hole in your wet knickers.

You gasped and arched at him dropping a hand to his thick wrist as you saw the others eyeing the car curiously. Wondering why you both hadn't got out of the car yet. Henry chuckled pulling away from you completely letting you slump into the seat with a slow breath.

"Oh yeah? Me too I mean me driving your car is technically illegal~ don't tell me your mind was in the gutter?" He said with a cheeky grin and bit his lip sending you an over exaggerated wink. Then opened the door slipping out of the car.

"I-you HENRY!" You called out to him flushing knowing damn well what he had meant! Henry just shook his head at you snorting a laugh and waved a lazy hand to the small group sitting out side joeys bus watching.

"The one an only honey, now come on out of the car, I think Joey is gonna be sick she doesn't look to happy" Henry said pulling the seat forward releasing the hounds from their seat belts in the back of the car.

"I'm not surprized! Her second car ride and you drove like a mad man!" You snipped exiting the car the faced henry looking at him over the roof as he scooped up a queasy pup who looked traumatised.

"I'm sorry love these are just too fun!" He said closing the door behind him as Kal darted out of the car, even he seemed to be happy once having all four paws on the ground.

You rolled your eyes and rounded the car taking the keys as Henry locked it then found yourself tucked up beside him under one arm. You tensed as henry directed you both over to the others. You did try to pull away, but it was a knee jerk reaction. This was the first time he had acted like a couple in front of them and honestly? You were nervous. You didn't know why you just were.

Henry squeezed you to him then handed you joey, which you were thankful for, it gave you something to do with your hands. You petted her slowly as she wriggled to get comfy.

"So where were you two all morning?" Joey asked as you both stood under the shade wanting to be out of the sun asap. It was too damn hot!

Tee watched with a knowing smile, she could definitely tell something had happened but not what. The look she gave meant she'd be hounding you later. Joey was grinning up at you arching his brows the half naked man then you clearly enjoying you both being all snuggly. Then again he had a bet. Anya took a sip of her drink smirking eyeing you carefully, as if you were a puzzle to be solved.

"Well I went to my mums then-" you began with a small rosey tint on your cheeks but Henry added his own two cents.

"We decided to eat alfresco~" Henry piped up smugly, chuckling giving you a little hip bump. You faltered. Huh? What was he playing at?

"Isn't that right love?" He asked suggestively. You snapped your gaze to him shocked. 'Did he really? He wants them to know?! HOLY SHIT! HES FLAUNTING! is this flaunting?... Well he does seem to want them to see you all...Snuggly..Soo? He did mean to show you off? And he did mean to kiss you and hug and be all cosy? FUCK ME YOU LUCKY SLUT! GO GIRL- GET YOUR PUSS EATEN BY A GOD AND THEN HAVE HIM BRAG ABOUT IT?!....No no he is just ? Just?... Okay he is teasing about eating out...AAAAHHHHH YESH! FUCKING YES GET THIS MAN PUSSY WHIPPED! Or a whipped pussy~ fucking hell how did I get here? How is this happening? what if? Wait he is teasing... they wont really figure it out... would they?'

"Ohhoho! Really now? That is interesting~ tell me was it a wholesome meal? did Tinks let you have some dessert?" Joey started wriggling his brows as he spoke drawing you from your thoughts. You squeaked heart skipping a beat realising your mind had wandered into the fan-slut territory once more, she was a rabid fangirl currently squealing and convulsing inside the recesses of your mind foaming at the mouth and weeping from her needy slit reliving the incredible experience Henry had treated you too... And was now casually throwing in everyone's faces.

As happy as you were to have him being so open about what was happening between you and not making you feel like a sordid secret. You could have died on the spot. Henry laughed boisterously and his cheeks tinged pink, but he nodded making to reply. You panicked dreading what ever was going to come out of his mouth, he seemed like he really had no qualms about letting people know what had happened... Or that you were a 'sort of couple' especially after letting him know you didn't mind being seen, that you wasn't ashamed.

In fact you think he may have a thing for it with the way his hand dug into your side and his eyes began to darken as they did before he began teasing you. Before Henry could reply you managed to cut him off with what could be classed as a yip more then anything.

"PICNIC! a picnic.. we had a picnic in the meadow... and some lead training for Joey that's all. I want to get her walking nicely" you said quickly. A little too quickly from the looks you were getting from the small group.

"Oh yes! Look at my sweet niece! How grown up she looks with her harness! Was she good?" Tee piped up seeing you were uncomfortable. She could see that something had happened, not bad. But something had you on edge and she didn't want to embarrass you or knock your confidence.

"The princess refused to walk on the grass until Kal walked beside her" Henry added rubbing your side trying to give you a few moments to calm down.

"Y-Yeah, then she darted under him and stayed put!" You sighed rubbing the pup's ears she leaned into you then turned lathering your fingers with kisses before tucking her head down trying to get more ear rubs.

"Ah yes that's all well and good but I'm more interested in this picnic?" Joey huffed peering at you curiously, but there was a glee barely hidden behind it. He was quivering ready to burst from excitement.

"It was a little lunch date Joey there's nothing much to tell apart from that" you said slowly trying to wash over what happened.

"Okay Tinks, you had a romantic picnic date... alone in the meadow.. with a half naked Henry-hunk and he got no dessert" Joey clarified with a small smirk putting the pressure on you.

"Yeah err?..." you said quietly trying desperately not to look any of them in the eye as they eye you critically. Henry huffed a laugh and tipped his head to you then tightened his arm around you pressing a small kiss to your head with a chuckle then spoke. You held your breath seeing the teasing look in his eyes and your gut twisted, blood running cold. You made to intervene but this time he was to quick for you to avoid disaster.

"I wouldn't say that, I ended up being treated to peaches and cream love" Henry said mainly to you making the others all gasp and giggle as your face flamed and you blinked up at him dumbly. 'Mother fucker said what now?'

"And I'm sure you enjoyed it?" Anya added with a soft snort finding the little teasing comments funny. Henry beamed down at you and snuggled you closer ,winking down at you. You stood there stupidly blinking trying to figure out just what the fuck was going on. And more importantly what to say, a comment like that was bound to have given up the ghost.

"Very much so!" he hummed leaning down pressing a sweet kiss to your cheek and chuckling as he pulled back.

"Good for you Henry we could all use a treat now and then!" Tee added trying not to laugh too much. You hadn't cried or got upset so it would seem you were fine with a little teasing. Which was good, it meant you were comfortable with the whole thing... Well more comfortable then she initially thought.

"And what a treat it was~" Henry purred into your ear watching you glow for him. You whined and moved pressing weakly at his chest as he snuggled you dragging you around to face him and curling around you, crowding you with his huge mass. You tried squirming away but he was having none of it and poked your sides below your ribs tickling at you until you were arching into him. Then once you stepped closer he could around you properly ensnaring you in his sweet embrace for the world to see..

The others looked on watching the two of you fawn over one another blissful without a care in the world. Henry growled playfully pinning you to him laughing at the weak protest, and then began rubbing his stubbled face into your cheek. You yelped between whines and small grunts pouting at him. He rolled his eyes then twisted his head pressing dozens of kisses to your cheeks until you stopped whining and began giggling. Giving into him finally planting a solid kiss to his lips making his heart all but burst with pride as the others watched you kiss him!

"So you visited your parent's how are they? I really need to go and eat all their food..." Tee said quietly almost hoping you hadn't heard her as she saw the sheer admiration and love as you gazed to one another. It was about damn time! She doesn't even care what happened on your date now! What ever happened, it seemed the penny had dropped and the both of you were now an item. Hallelujah!

"They are fine, dads back from fishing now" you said to her pulling your eyes away from Henry and rested your head on him winding an arm around his waist holding him sweetly. No one had said anything really, they hadn't been nasty or sent you judgemental looks... So it was okay? Everything was fine! Better then fine it was perfect!

"Yeah he said he'd broken his carp record" Henry added nonchalantly shrugging peering down at you once more. He couldn't stop, and neither did he want to. You were here, in his arms publicly kissing and snuggling without a care! And by god now that he didn't have to hide your relationship he would stare at you as much as he pleased!

"Whoa wait- you met her dad too?" Anya said leaning forward and blinked casting Tee a glace. Even she seemed taken back He had met your dad too.

"Yeah I went round with Kal to take Tinks on the picnic... It was my idea" Henry frowned not finding it shocking... Was meeting your dad a big deal? He was nervous sure and it was another step forward, meeting your other halves parents. But they were acting like it was a huge revelation.

"Well fuck me" Tee muttered snorting slapping her thighs.

"Sorry Tee but your not my type~" He quipped smirking prompting a chorus of sighs and scoffs. Henry may be a loved up puppy but he was still a teasing little shit... If anything he was worse, on his own little high as he finally got to parade his woman around~ 'his woman. His no one elses~ fuck and what a woman you were?! Funny sweet cute and sexy... The most adorable cock tease on the planet and all mine! Mine to fuck and kiss as i see fit! God yes! The way you quivered and grinded shy on my tongue~' henry though licking his lips trying to recount to sweetest cunt he'd ever tasted, fresh and wanton!

He wanted to do it all over again all day every day! He'd happily survive of your dripping slit if he could. He hummed deep in his chest eyes fluttering closed and he tucking his face back into the crook of your neck unable to stop his imps from finding your neck once more, perssing a chaste kiss to the bright mark he'd suckled onto the supple skin in the car. Images of just how he'd latch onto the mark later when laying in bed with you, tangle in the sheets as he caged you below him~ 'yes... Fuck yes just roll on top trap your tiny form below him and have his wicked way with you, make you needy and pliant~ maybe grind your hot little pussy until you cum again and again, until your begging... Fuck yes! Make you beg for his mouth on your hot delicious cunt again!' he truly couldn't wait to taste you again, force you to succumb to his pleasure over and over and teach your body to let go and just feel. No anxiety. No fear. No thoughts, just him all over your body making you feel like the sexiest most beautiful woman on the planet. Worshipping you like you deserved to be worshipped!

"Yeah get your own" you snipped playfully squeezing Henry tighter. Henrys eyes snapped open at that and he grinned, you were becoming possessive. Good. Tee burst out laughing as you scrunched your nose at her for a second then gasped covering your mouth and ducked back into Henry's chest shocked by your own little outburst.

"Now now honey. You know I have my eyes firmly set on you~" Henry soothed whilst chuckling and pinching your ass making you jerk into him yipping then huffed at him pouting. But he stuck his bottom lip out at you mocking you and cupped the small sore spot he'd pinched.

"And hands by the looks of it~" Anya spoke wriggling her brows at you. But you just rolled your eyes and held him tighter still hiding somewhat.

"Why you standing like that though?" Joey asked noting the way you were trying not to put to much pressure on one of your legs. Your thigh still ached and you didn't want to pull it.

"She got stung by a wasp" Henry said for you with a sigh. You flushed as the others all sighed heavily with an unsurprised look. As if they didn't even need to question it, of course you'd get stung it just made sense, you freaked out over wasps at one point you had even dived into Freya's bus to escape one... It had been a running joke for days afterwards.

"Oh seriously? You ran didn't you? How many times have I said not to fucking run... Jesus" Tee shook her head at you finding t funny and exhausting. Each time you saw a wasp you ran. Every single time! She can't even begin to count the amount of times in school you'd jump up and haul ass at lunch when a wasp got too close. She would always have to pack up your shit and move spots to a 'safe zone'

"Yes she did, but its fine all sorted isn't it honey" Henry spoke sweetly, biting his lip trying to stop his own chuckles. But it had been funny, the way you growled and attacked then bolted. Running as fast as your little legs could carry you and then dropped to the floor like you'd been shot. He swore he'd seen similar scenes in wonder woman.

"I yeah... He sorted it, its just tender an swollen" you muttered quietly feeling embarrassed. But even you had to admit it was funny... Looking back on it anyway. And it had worked out in your favour so you wont complain too much.

"Well I'm sure a damp cool cloth will help, here why don't you go freshen up and then we can all hang out?" Henry said slowly trying to usher you away knowing you'd probably want to freshen up after he'd made such a mess of you, not even his tank had managed to clean you up properly.

"Yeah we should really start talking about the press tour" Tee quipped eyeing each of you slowly.

"Press tour? I thought you sorted that this morning?" You asked quickly looking at Henry who nodded then tipped his head to the others.

"Well I gave my views it seems I was too late though this lot beat me to it"

"Beat you-oh about Tinks?" Joey exclaimed cryptically making you frown. You? What did they mean? Had you done something wrong. You made to ask what had been said but Any grinned at you making you relax.

"You our sweet little fairy are not flying solo on any interviews" she announced and you slumped in relief. You'd admit it had begun to play on your mind a bit now that filming was only for another ten weeks or so... Honestly you wasn't even sure when that side of things started.

"Oh thank god really?!" your words came fast as you breathed a massive sigh, a breath you hadn't known you were holding.

"Yes we cant throw you to the wolves can we?" Joey asked rhetorically whilst wiggling his brows. The choice of words made everyone scoff and you rolled your eyes smirking. It was nice having this type of banter so openly for a change without the worry.

"Err... well? Depends on the wolf I guess~" You teased looking to the 'white wolf' who smirked at you quirking a brow at you and gave a fanged 'Geralt' smile.

"Anything you'd like to share with the class honey?" He teased slipping into character for a second eyes becoming hungry even though you'd just fucking fed him... Maybe it true what they said about canines their hunger was never sated! The voice made you shiver, the low octaves making your body melt. You couldn't help it he just had one of those voices... The type of voice that destroyed every females knickers within a ten meter radius, but then using his Geralt rasp like a weapon? Jesus Christ! It was just too sexy! Very unfair really, he was a glorious man there should be a compromise! Like surely this type of perfection should have a flaw! But you'd yet to find it.

"No?... No I err fuck" you stuttered as he smirked smugly and laughed at you then began stepping away from the others with you.

"Soon love. Very soon. I promise" he hummed into your ear making you all flustered again. And with that Henry waved the others off pivoting around and made his way to your trailer deciding it was just too hot for anymore excitement today.

Henry moved through the set, he was in a little mood. Filming had been cancelled for the day, one of the generators that powered the cameras had died due to the heat, so half of set had a power cut. And honestly he was thankful. He was sweating bullets in the armour and it was fucking up the shots!

It had just been a bad day. First he woke up alone in bed, which meant he couldn't snuggle with you as he woke up properly, or feast on your cunt like he'd been trying to for the past few days since finally having you withering on his tongue. Kal had an accident in your bus which wasn't to bad but... He felt guilty as you mopped up the pee. Then he'd burnt his tongue on his coffee, been late getting in the chair and late for the shoot.

And he just wanted to relax... And have an ice lolly. And to steal you away and feast on you... Probably feast on you then share the ice lolly to cool the both of you... Then go again. Currently he was waltzing across set back to his bus... Well your bus, that both he and Kal had migrated to. It had quickly become his own home away from home. Kal had not been impressed when the both of you left this morning having work to do. The bear didn't like being shut away in the air-conditioned bus with his tiny sister but it was tough luck. The pups wont be able to stand this heat and sometimes you had to do what you had to do. But Henry will make it up to them, he'd sneak some sausages from the food tent as a bribe.

Henry frowned seeing something fly high into the air and then heard yells of excitement. Followed by some loud feminine... Sexy growls and grunts. Curiosity got the better of him and he turned making his way to the large open space.

He came to a halt next to the group of spectators Freya, Anya, Tee and Joey were there watching. He frowned looking into the open space not sure what everyone was watching, you were there chatting with wolfgang and nodded then tugged your headphones on and spun around dragging in a few deep breaths.

Then it happened, you burst forth with a speed he hadn't known you'd had and twisted. You flung your hands out and struck, both hands holding your staff prop. Henrys jaw dropped. You looked fucking magnificent! You twisted and turned roaring angrily in a war cry as your twirled the prop around fluidly wielding it like a blade, in feminine swooping motions and fast twists.

"Why does she have headphones on?" Henry asked slowly eyes still fixed on you as you ran and rolled halting in a crouch baring your teeth in faux anger and bolted forward jumping high and spinning in something akin to a gymnastic move. He gulped watching your tight lithe body work and stretch in ways he'd only dreamed of.

"She's treating it like a dance... The only way she can do it she didn't have the time to learn like you" Anya piped up watching you as you covered ground halting in a jolt.

"What's she listening to?" Joey quipped moving to peek at your phone that was in Tees hand.

"Extended version of Geralt's theme from the first season... Gets her in the right frame of mind... This is for your fight scene Henry..." Tee said showing Joey the screen. There was a collective his and wincing as wolfgang instructed a tall extra to run at you with Geralt's rubber sword prop acting out the fight in Henry's stead. You grunted and staggered back as you were hit and ducked spinning striking the sword tipping 'Geralt' off balance and then tried to retreat only to be hit with 'arrd' and knocked off your feet into a dramatic 'head over heels' tumble.

"WHAT THE FUCK HOW? How did she spin that around her neck?!" Joey cried jumping on the spot as you did a fast back neckroll with the prop whilst ducking from 'Geralt' Tee grinned and eyed you. You were still good.

"She did baton twirling for quite a few years as a kid... She was really good won a few nationals... Its why we gave her the rubber one to practice everything not just close ups" she explained to the group who burst into another round of oo's and ah's as you did another little trick. An angle roll to swap hands and strike.

"She did? You mean she doesn't now?" Freya asked still unable to look away as your practiced your fight scene.

"Nah after she broke her wrist it used to play up she did three more circuits and then had to stop it got to much. She twirls occasionally but she don't compete anymore" the woman explained watching as the fight began to wind down. Geralt winning.

"Fuck me look at her go! She isn't going down easy!" Joey said leaning forward completely investing in watching his play out even though he knew the outcome.

"Those moves are pretty cool... They look like feminine combat moves." Henry murmured in awe, shifting on his feet eyes glued to your sweaty, panting grunting form. He licked his lips as he watched everything, taking in the erotic sight before him. It was surreal watching someone act out the very moves he himself had been mastering. Watching the way he was going to subdue Keira. Holding her and rolling her to the floor and wrestling her weapon from her. Fuck knows how he is going to manage that without a hard on!

"Yeah its why she did it, her brothers all did karate. She wanted to but aunt Terry wanted sparkles and hairspray so this was the compromise. Y/n got to pretend she was kicking ass when she twirled and her mum got the glitz and glamour of competition." Tees explanation was met with a course of hums in agreement.

"Hey look Henry? Almost the splits lucky boy~..." Joey teased craning his head around to see the giant man. Henry dry swallowed and nodded jaw locking. He could see. You had managed to right yourself only to drop to the floor again staggering trying to dodge the well aimed hits.

"...A very loose set of hips...So even with the size difference you'll be good to go to town henners~" Freya added giggling behind her hand at him. henry hung his head and sighed. His arms crossed and fingers dug almost painfully into his biceps, willing his cock to stop twitching from the sight before him.

"Oh fuck me..." he muttered quietly shaking his head and took another deep breath composing himself before returning his gaze to the dirt covered growling sexy vixen working her ass off to try and perfect the scene.

"She probably would if you asked nicely like a good boy.. Maybe a pretty please with a cherry on top? Seriously you gotta hurry up and tap that Henry, she wont make the first move you know~" Tee snorted out making everyone laugh. Henry grit his teeth. If only they knew, when he had you spread eagle before him there was only one cherry one his mind... And it wasn't going to be from him begging.

Suddenly there was a cry. A true cry of pain that snapped everyone's attention to you. You were on the floor alone, your leg at a painful angle. It had been a running scene and your training partner was nowhere near you. It was obvious by the skid marks your slipped, one leg had stretched from under you and you crumpled to the floor landing on the other leg heavily.

Henry froze for a second and then snarled as he saw Mathew race to your side and start pulling at you trying to heave you up off the floor. You pushed at him hissing and yelping trying to bat him away crying. Mathew didn't listen and instead crouched and pulled you up with his hands on your ass. Henry saw red.

You sobbed as one thigh locked, cramping from your skidding then falling. And your other knee ached, feeling close to popping out. God it hurt! You remembered now, why you spent extra time stretching before doing this shit. You'd halved your warm up because you just wanted this over with so you can get back to the cool bus.

Mathew raced over and began tugging and pulling at you but you were in pain! You knew you should stay down and just roll so your legs weren't so twisted and relax before even thinking about standing up. But you just couldn't get the words out. Instead releasing hisses and gruntle moans as your legs tensed and screamed at you. Finally he had enough and forced you up making you cry out as you felt as if your knee and hip needed to click. Finally after some struggling you sobbed and pressed at him tears rolling down your face.

It was as you tried twisting away from him you felt it, he had his hands on your ass trying to support your weight. It wasn't an accident either, he squeezed digging his fingers in making sure to cop a feel. You yipped gasping freezing for a second. This was the first time someone had done this, that someone was touching you- groping you without your consent. This was the kind of thing your brothers had protected you from.

Your knees shock and you lashed out at him as he tried tugging you up on your feet trying to coax you to slump forward and lean on him, his own feet trying to move your legs below you and force you to stand. You batted at him trying to make him release you as he pulled you closer hands still firmly on your behind, but you were cut off by a furious roar.

"GET THE FUCK OFF HER" Henry shouted as he launched himself across the space, long legs carrying him over to you. Your blood ran cold when you noticed no one was close enough to stop him this time. Joey had tried to grasp him but henry was deceptively quick and he managed the thunder across the open space ridiculously fast and seemed to be within arms reach in seconds.

Henry dived at him fist swinging already barrelling towards the man who'd just been groping you seconds ago holding you in a tight grip. You yelped as Mathew spun and dropped you in a heap on the floor once again.

"NO-HENRY NO!-" you shouted from the floor trying to get up slowly but winced crumpling to the floor with your cramping leg. You watched in slow motion along with everyone else as Henrys huge form arched following the balled fist only to frown as another form darted past him shoving Henry out of the way with a grunt.

"MOVE OUTTA MY WAY!-" you gaped as you recognised the voice then everything caught up with you as you realised just who had shoved Henry out the way and pounced on Mathew.

"What? Kane?-OH GOD OH MY GOD NO! KANE NO LET HIM GO!-" you shouted watching in horror as he managed to capture an unsuspecting Mathew.

"I HEARD YOU WERE FUCKING WITH MY BABY SISTER?!" Kane screamed holding Mathew by his collar pulling him off the ground. Kane was older then Henry slimmer but slightly Taller and just .as strong. And very very frightening when angry with his battle warn appearance. He shook Mathew who was by this point squirm in panicking in the grip of your oldest brother as Kane screamed at him. He looked over his shoulder to henry nodding to you.

"You take care of her I got this no need getting your hands dirty~" he grinned evilly and turned facing the boy who looked ready to piss himself.

"holy shit henry no fuck stop him!" You pleaded as henry leant down next to you and began straightening your legs and help you sit on the floor properly.

"You wanna fuck with my little sister huh? You think it's fun fucking embarrassing her you little cunt? Wanna start shit with her you got to go through me!!" You trembled on the spot as Kane began shaking the smaller man by his collar growling at him.

"Wh-what no I didn't- I haven't done anything!" Mathew squealed like a pig trying to save his bacon but Kane wasn't buying it.

"Oi Henry this the little cunt whose been stalking her?" He said turning around both fists still holding Mathew still overcoming the mans struggles.

"Henry don't you dare-" you warned hands tangling into his loose t-shirt now trying to pull yourself, the need to try and stop your brother from beating Mathew to a pulp was absolute. The pain in your leg becoming the least of your worries.

"You hush and sit your little ass down before you pull that leg anymore, I'll have words with you later" Kane growled removing a hand from Mathews collar to point at you making you whimper and shrink.

"Yeah that's him" henry confirmed with a shrug as Kane looked back to the huge man fawning over you. Then he turned slowly back to you his face softened as he saw the tears staining your cheeks and he wiped them away before managing to scoop you up quickly and hold you to his chest.

"Henry?! oh god KANE NO?! PUT HIM DOWN! HENRY DO SOMETHING?! HELP HIM!" You panicked as henry began walking with you over to the busses out of the sun so you could rest up for a bit.

"Who Kane?" He asked glancing at your brother who was screaming in Mathews face almost reducing the little prick to tears.

"NO NOT FUCKING KANE OBVIOUSLY HELP MATHEW! GET KANE OFF HIM FOR FUCK SAKE KANE!!?" You shouted turning in henry's arms craning your head to see what your crazy ass brother was doing whilst henry walked passed the scene.

"HENRY?!" You pleaded as he carried you further from the volatile man still shaking your creepy stalker.

"What? I will...Just give it a minuet... I need to sort my girl out first~" he said unperturbed by your brothers verbal and quite possibly brutal beat down of Mathew. Henry was actually a little glad... and annoyed that he himself hadn't got to Mathew quick enough. He sat you down and placed a hand on your shoulder pressing you to stay seated as you tried getting up to wobble across the space and stop Kane. Instead all you could do was watch from afar as your brother did what ever he was going to do.

"The only one who I will allow to put his hands on my sister is her boyfriend... Are you her boyfriend?" You heard Kane as he roared into Mathews face holding him tight making the smaller man look him in the eye.

"N-no no I'm not" Mathew cried feet still kicking up dust as he tried getting distance between him and your irate brother.

"That's right your not-I'd never let her date such a fucking weasel" Kane pulled Mathew even closer to his face and craned over him growling slowly.

"if I ever hear you've been stalking her again-she even utters your name around me or I see you fucking blink in her direction again then I will come back over here rip of your head and shit down your scrawny little neck? We clear on that?" Your brother snarled cruely with a smile. It had been a long time since he'd scared off a creep... he forgot how much fun it was!

"Y-yes I wont I'll stay away I promise" Mathew sobbed quivering terrified.

"Good make sure you do because there are fucking eight of us as we don't take to kindly to our little sister being harassed cunt." With that said Kane released him letting him stumble back before Mathew could get his Barings Kane had pulled his arm back and punched him as hard as he physically could.

"Oh my god?! Oh my god? Kane you cant just? Kane you fucking knocked him out!" Kane rolled his eyes a you and turned to Tee before approaching the group. The others were speechless, it was one thing to hear about your protective brothers... another thing to see one in action. who you'd thought was a little to dressed up today and held an arm out to her.

"Wait a minuet- are you two? Are you with my brother?!" You asked frowning pointing from one to the other.

"Errr...Guilty?" Tee grinned and held out your phone to you.

"I? you-wait? How long?" You asked slowly taking the phone from her blinking dumbly

"Like...A few months?...like five?" She said timidly tucking herself into Kane's side much like you do with henry.

"I started messaging her to keep tabs on you here and then...Well then tee got mouthy and things were said...Its why I came home on leave now...I wanted to see her and tell mum and dad..." Kane said pressing a kiss to her head making Tee beam and giggle. You smiled nodding finding it cute.

"Your not angry are you?" Tee asked anxiously, almost like she ha been dreading you finding out. Your face softened. You understood, by god you understood her fear. But it was ridiculous!

"No of course not! You silly cow its just a shock I mean... Kane? No offence bro but your like....A hard ass" you loved them! They both deserved happiness and if it was with each other then you wasn't going to complain.

"Yeah...But she loves it~ well over long distance maybe not when I've got her tied up-" he teased making her flush and you laughed loudly. Well well looks like the shoes on the other foot now~ But then you pulled a face as you realised what was said and gagged.

"Okay okay ew no- your my brother just no....do not need that image ever" you snapped growling at him as he gave a boisterous laugh.

"Yes because your any better loved up with this guy?" Kane asked tipping his head to henry who shrugged before nodding. He couldn't argue. Henry quickly sat down next to you slinging an arm around your shoulders as if making a point.

"Well we are off before security come running and arrest me~" Kane said slipping a hand into the back pocket of Tees playsuit making her jump and flush. You giggled melting into henry's side. It was a nice change not being the centre of attention as the others looked on in amusement as Tee flushed and giggled like a giddy school girl, a far cry from the mighty woman you all knew and loved one embarrassed and loved up~

"Kane love no need to rush...Security were watching they don't give a shit" tee said trying to fend off her embarrassment but Kane wasn't letting her get off lightly. Tee had been telling him all about the teasing she'd been doing and this was time for a little payback. She may be his woman, but shed been teasing his baby sister.

"...I was making an excuse to sneak away and rail you as soon as I could" he said loud and proud shrugging not missing a beat. You all burst out laughing a whooping as the usually brazen woman began stuttering all flustered unsure what to do with herself. Finally she gave up with a pout and settled for tucking her head into Kane's chest trying to hide away.

"Oh my god Kane seriously" you heard her mutter into your brothers chest pitifully. Trying her best to scold him but couldn't quite make the words strong enough.

"Right well then we shall see you the day after tomorrow, Henry keep and eye on that little cunt for me? If he so much as breathes in her direction you tell me" Kane said tipping his head to henry. You growled crossing your arms as your brother who was speaking over you to henry who was still curled around you.

"No he will not! Ah hen?" You snapped leaning forward trying to stand up getting ready to chew out your brother with the old 'I'm and adult, I can handle it!' But Henry wound an arm around the front of your waist and dragged you back to sit in his lap. Your rant died on your tongue as your ass met his thick strong thighs. You squeaked and looked back at him flushing when both arms coiled around you and he rested his chin on your shoulder.

"I will look after her Kane, you have my word" he hummed before dipping down placing a sweet kiss to your shoulder making you melt into his hard frame below you.

"I glad, someone needs to" Kane said with a grin before turning dragging tee away from set for their... activities.

You moved slowly back to your bus, wolfgang had decided to leave it there today. No one needed you hurting your leg even more today as tomorrow you were meant to practice with henry in the gym to finalise a few moves.

You grunted trying to lift the leg high to get up the steps which prompted henry to intervene. He curled an arm around you opening the bus door and stood right up against you.

"Here love let me" he said quietly and pushed the door wide open before two huge hands were at your waist plucking you from the floor.

"Oh its fine-" you said wincing try to scale the steep steps on your own but it was no good and you hissed once more. The ache in your legs was just to much at the moment. You needed a hot water bottle, pain killers and probably a hot shower too.

"Its not, that was a nasty pull honey, just let me take care of you" henry muttered in your ear and stretched his arms up showing off the raw power he possessed. If you hadn't been so shocked or in pain you'd have swooned.... On second thought you'll swoon about it later.

"S-sure" you agreed unable to argue when he was being so sweet with you. Within seconds you were carried into the bus. He kicked the door shut and still held you managing to dodge both excited pups as they came running to greet the two of you. But henry continued to the bedroom and placed you on the bed.

"Now you stay right there until your legs sorted... you got any painkillers?" He asked stepping back hands on his hips looking like a big mother hen. You giggled at him and nodded finding him cute in that moment. It was sweet seeing him so worried it showed he cared.

"Err yeah paracetamol in the cupboard and maybe some biofreeze too" you informed him then preened as he grinned nodding before praising you.

"Good girl at least your prepared" he smiled impishly at you as you rolled your eyes and shuffled up the bed fluffing your pillow before flopping back on it.

"Ok baby just stay right there no moving about you hear me?" He warned pointing an accusing finger at you.

"I wont love." You promised crossing your heart making him scoff and look down only now paying attention to the hyper active howling sausage dog and her eager brother bear tapping and jumping about.

"Good. Kal, Joey watch over your mama. But be careful she's hurt" he added clicking his fingers coaxing Kal up onto on the bed and quickly scooped up Joey placing her on the pillow next to you. You didn't even have time to register the fact he'd called you Kal and Joeys mama. Because suddenly you were pinned by two happy pups trying to get cuddles and kisses.

Kal laid ontop of you and began kissing your cheeks enthusiastically his huge tail thumping the covers hard enough to make the mattress bounce a little and Joey was up at the side of your face lathering you with her own kisses and occasional over excited nips to your nose.

Henry came back over a few minuets later as the two pups had calmed and were now just lounging with you on the bed, Kal had retrieved one of his rope toys and was chewing one end sharing it with joey; who was digging and chewing the tassel... That was bigger then her.

"Okay come on now take these and get your kit off~" Henry hummed handing you two paracetamol and glass of water then uncapped the biofreeze squirting some in his hands and rubbed coating both palms eyeing you critically.

"What?!" You yipped almost choking on the tablets as he spoke. You coughed making some unflattering retching sounds and gulped more water down and your face glowed. You could feel yourself shrink under his gaze, his eyes both darkening and twinkling with amusement.

"Gosh calm down~ I'm gonna massage my little ladies legs...is all~" he said cheekily knowing full well what he was doing to you. Not that he had any issues giving you the once over, if he thought your leg wouldn't seize and lock hurting it even more he would be going down on you already. You were weak and defenceless it'd be so easy to just crawl ontop of you and get to work. But like he said, he didn't want to hurt your leg any more.

"I'm fine Henry" you said shifting wincing drawing your legs up and digging your toes into the bed below you. You tried avoiding his gaze and wriggled nervously.

"Mm hmm fine you may be but your already starting to wriggle out of your leggings my sweet~" he cooed nodding his head to you with a chuckle.

"No I'm not- oh?? Err okay" You frowned at him and began to protest only to look down and see you had began using your feet to drag the leggings down your legs slightly. Tugging the cuffs down your feet.

"Come on roll over let me get a look at those buns~" he preened eagle watching as you fidgeted with your fingers peeling your leggings off of you and letting them fall to the floor. Henry kneeled on the bed at you rolled on your tummy. You wasn't mad enough to pass up a massage from him, even if you was embarrassed and had doubt. Fears about him touching your legs feeling the extra pudge and ripple like stretch marks. Which was stupid because the man had burried his fucking face between them just a few days ago, wearing your thighs like ear muffs! He knew what your thighs felt and looked like-fuck he knew what they tasted like among other things~

You trembled gasping when his hands parted your legs and tugged you down the bed a little settling on his knees between them. You swallowed drawing slow calming breaths into your quivering lungs. His large thick legs pressing your apart wider and wider as he drew you closer finally pressing his palms on your tender leg. You moaned softly as his huge strong hands pressed the tight knotted muscle. He was gentle at first the usual warmth that he had naturally in his hands was lost under the cool tingle of the biofreeze, the cooling gel helping to soothe the screaming tired muscle.

"That's it love just relax I got you" he breathed calmly making you shudder and melt into the bed. He pressed in slow smooth motions slowly easing out the tight muscle with fluid strokes.

You arched and flicked a foot tapping the his back lightly, hissing as he worked the muscle tissue deeper in wide pinching motions, plucking and rotating the hard lump. You pressed your face into the bed making the blankets muffle your moan of pain panting as he pressed insistantly.

"Good girl I know, I know honey but if it don't press harder its just going to go up~" he said guilty, he didn't want to hurt you, but a pull this bad? It could lock your leg and cease it, which would be incredibly painful. Henry knew from experience just how brutal that could be.

"Yeah I-I know" you heaved out wincing as he worked diligently over the flesh chaseing away the tense knots. You flinched when he hit another sore spot but he caught your leg before repositioning himself to kneel between your calves and pressed on with the massage determined to get this over with now rather then let it build over the next few days.

"Shh shh just breath deep, its eased already... slow breaths, not much more to go now love, but I need to get rid of it if not its going to creep into your butt cheek. Not that I would mind massaging this little peach but it would be very uncomfortable for you~" he soothed you and made you chuckle at his little teaseing explanation. After a few more minuets your leg finally went lax and relaxed no longer tight or in pain and Henry began on the other one, which wasn't nearly as bad, but was still tender in certain spots.

"I cant believe they are together" you finally spoke up as your mind wandered. You never thought Tee would end up with your brothers, well not seriously, sure she kissed both of your triplets but you were what fifteen? So it didn't count! But she was dating Kane? Honestly you could see it! She was rash and a scatter brain. 'Act first ask questions later' kind off woman and Kane? He was a 'you'll sit down and answer all my questions or else' which in all honesty Tee needed sometimes.

There were many instances you had got her out of shit because she'd run in head first- or in many cases fucking swan dived into stupid situations with out thinking. Kane would be good for her, and maybe he'd lighten up a bit. Being the oldest he always took on the role as second dad. He acted like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, he believed he had to be a role model for all of you.

"What? Are you?-hey you supposed to be thinking of me when I'm lubing you up!" Henry pouted and tapped the tiny portion of ass cheek peaking from your underwear making you jolt and pout back at him before rolling your eyes.

"Henry that's menthol if we used that for lube we'd both be out of commission" you replied trying to ease the worried look on his face. He clearly thought you were about to mouth off at him for playfully slapping your ass. You wouldn't it actually sent a little thrill through you. Something you'd explore at a later date... Alone with porn.

"You'll be out of commission what ever lube I use that little miss is a promise~" he hummed grinning wriggling his brows trying to be sexy, yet he came across more like a cheesy johny bravo.

"Oh god really? That was Cheesy" you snorted shaking your head and looking forward once more resting your chin on your palm. The leg massage had somehow crept up on to your butt and was now slipping up your back, not that you were complaining. The power in this mans hands alone was fucking heavenly. He was rubbing away what felt like a life time of stress. You'd be a new woman by the end if he carried on. So needless to say you wasn't going to stop him, fuck you were debating rolling over and going the whole hog!

'Fuck yes~ his hand would be magnificent on my tits! Just fucking yes! His meaty paws can squeeze a boob anyday~' you thought and closed your eyes trying to imagine the slow circles being rubbed on your breast, rolling them about grazing and teasing your nipples until they were hard... Your mind wandered during your sex scene he paid attention, even when acting he was thorough. Using your nipples to draw you higher, fuck using them to guide you to him! Pinching and plucking, he'd even bit! Bit your boob and suckled lightly~

"What can I say? I get all twisted when your thinking of your brother when I'm giving you a massage" he purred and crawled up you straddling the back of your waist his weight pressing you into the bed and his hands dragged your top higher up to your shoulders still languid firm drags manipulating the muscles turning you to putty one perfect stroke at a time.

"I'm sorry what can I do to make it up to you?" You hummed quietly fluttering your lashes at him trying look over your shoulder innocently. He grunted and peered over your shoulder with a smirk making your stomach flipflop, breath hitching at the playfully look in his eyes.

"Well that's a loaded question~" he quipped with a light scoff, and thrusted his hips a little before leaning down pressing a kiss to your shoulder blade then smoothed his hands up under your shirt to your ribs. You gasped when he began rubbing up and down, his long fingers grazing the sides of you boobs in featherlight touches.

"So back rub honey?" he asked sitting up pressing the heals of his palms into your back making you pout as his touch was pulled from your sides just as you began loosing yourself to the teaseing touches of your breasts.

An hour later you lounged back on the bed with henry, your blankets pulled loosely over your legs warming them keeping the pain at bay. Henry's massage had been a God send. Both your legs were feeling much better and you could move them without too much pain. They should be even better tomorrow if you too some tablets and took it easy.

It had gotten dark out both dogs were sprawled on the floor each munching on their very own raw hide chew sent over from your mum. Well they were both munching on Kal's raw hide chew, Joey had eyes bigger then her belly and was gnawing a tiny corner that Kal had softened and broke free. You and Henry were scrolling social media with a show on the tv for background noise. Occasionally you would show one another a funny meme or video you came across.

"Am... Am I your lock screen?" You froze hearing his amused warm tone as you locked your phone and flushed. Embarrassingly enough he was... Well Geralt was.

"I err yeah... Well its Geralt but.... Fuck I'll change it sorry its probably creepy right?" You said anxiously kicking yourself for not changing it. 'Fuck if this doesn't scream stalker vibes I don't know what will! Oh god! Think! Think- you forgot? It was to remind you what you were working for?-HELL NO! That's worse...Why is he smiling? He... He's laughing at me? Fuck no-he doesn't take me seriously... fuck I really am coming across as a fucking stupid fangirl-' Henry pulled you closer smooshing you against him and nuzzled his light scruff against your face making you whine and try to wriggle away. But he wasn't letting you go.

"I'm flattered honey~ I really am... But maybe we could upgrade?" He added smoothly. Before you could even register what he meant he was tapping your phone and slid to the camera.

"Smile honey~" he said and pressed his face next to yours snapping a few shots of the both of you. You grinned and posed for a few giggling having fun then faltered as he dragged you in for another kiss locking lips with you whilst still snapping shots slowly he pulled back kissing your cheeks making you giggle a little.

"Now you set one of those as your background I'm not competing with my own characters little miss" he said snuggling you once again littering your face with kisses.

"Do you want one?... Like for your phone?" You asked in a small voice nibbling your thumb nervously. As he leant his head on your shoulder watching your phone over your shoulder.

"Well I will have a few but... Here take a peak" he said thrusting his phone at you. You gasped grinning seeing that the photo Joey had posted all those weeks ago was his background, resized so that you and him were the main focus dead centre.

"I'm... Your background?" You breathed out finding it surreal that you were here. You wanted to pinch yourself, somehow your life felt like a dream.

"Yep since the day Joey posted it. Its the only photo I have of us so close you know? The one on the first day of filming you were so nervous, this one is just... Well its us you know? I'm going to get one of both my girls soon to replace it with" he said in a chipper tone not really seeing how the tiny detail had made your heart burst.

"Both?" you said swallowing the excitement of realising he liked you enough to replace Kal as his background.

"You and Joey nugget of course" He reassured watching you scroll trough the photos setting one for your background, it was of the both of you grinning into the camera. You loved his smile, blue eyes glowing with happiness and handsome face soft and sweet! You just loved him happy... You just loved him.

You moved placing your phone down trying to lie comfortably but growled sitting up and shifting, beating the pillow fluffing it. Henry moved hitting your pillow and pulled it up trying to help frowning, he could see you were uncomfortable.

"Are you okay honey? Any pain?" He said worriedly the biofreeze was brilliant but sticky. And you were uncomfortable.

"Er yeah I'm fine... I just... I'm just thinking about having a quick shower... The biofreeze is sticky Is all..." you trailed off, you really were uncomfortable, your blankets sticking to you making you feel gross.

"O-oh... right err yeah fine do you...I mean should I...Go out for a bit then and come back or?... I should probably get back" he muttered quietly pulling away unsure if you were hinting he should leave or not. He shuffled off of the bed and stretched, you sat up following eyes wide not wanting him to leave you but halted. Were you being selfish? You couldn't expect him to be with you all the time. But that's what you wanted.

Henry glanced at you he was becoming nervous worrying that he was overstaying his welcome. He supposed he was anxious you were both so very close now to becoming the couple he knew you could be. The single family unit but he wanted to let you make the decision's. He wont linger, no matter how much he wanted to stay.

"Oh no! No don't go!...Unless you want to err go or stay? Fuck you know you want to I mean I- you don't have to stay" you paused flushing when you realised how clingy you'd sounded. You had to admit you liked having Henry and Kal around. It made you feel safer having the both of them with you, the bus seemed empty without them.

"I don't... I-I'd like to stay. I... Can I stay? In the bed room of course! I will find something to play with" Henry froze holding his breath then cursed realizing what he had said and panicked stepping forward waving his arms about shaking his head.

"Fuck no that didn't sound right! I meant I can play with my phone! Or-or Netflix?!" He scrambled stumbling over his words as he cried them out hastily trying to undo the damage. You laughed watching him flounder about like proverbial fish out of water. Even Kal snorted at Henry unimpressed by his humans embarassing display.

"I know what you meant love... I wont be to long just a quick rinse okay? You can get changed while I'm in there and get comfy" You reassured with a smile. He turned to you slowly before clearing his throat and nodding he was pleased if not still embarrassed he thought he was over those pesky nerves but it seemed you just managed to make him crumble and forget himself.

"I haven't got any clothes. I did bring another few bags over but they're gone." He said scanning the room quickly looking around for the bag he had stuffed away beside the bed again... Just incase.

"I.. They are in the top drawer... I found them when I was having a sort through and unpacked... I don't like the idea of you living out of a plastic bags" you said sweetly at him nodding to the drawer you'd folded his clothes into... You'd admit to taking your time folding them, his scent smothered them and you couldn't help but be drawn to them. You folded and refolded them each day. You said it was just to have something to do but you were lying. It was an excuse to smell him on the rare occasion he wasn't here with you.

"Thank you love, that's really thoughtful I will... Be in here just... yeah have a nice shower" Henry mused quietly reversing into the bedroom pointing a thumb behind him with a nervous chuckle then switched tactics ushering the pups into the room trying to distract himself.

You grinned and pulled a towel from the small pile of fresh laundry your mum had let you do yesterday morning. She had been a saint and most of the people on set were making frequent visits to your childhood home for showers and to use the washing machine. She didn't mind, in fact she loved it. And they had begun taking her chocolates as thanks, Anya had even made a point to find out what her favourite chocolates were.

You spun around slipping into the tiny bathroom trying to ignore the fact henry would be just the other side of the thin wall... where you'd be naked... and wet... and naked... completely starkers! You were a little on edge as you stripped and managed to step into the shower under the warm spray.

It was then that your mind began wandering conjuring up scenarios of him bursting in on you. Unable to contain himself as he heard the water running. Images of the both of you standing below the spray tangled up in one another's arms kissing and rubbing~ rutting one another in the tiny space finally giving in to one another and making love.

You slapped a hand over your mouth as you panted louder and closed your eyes. Knees weak and knocking against one another as you imagined him towering over you, fingers wandering over your form and settling at your nape pulling your hair until. You were angled up, lips parted moaning breathlessly as his magnificent blues bore into your own bright eyes. Then without warning he'd dive forward kissing you like never before and pick you up. Huge meaty paws holding your ass coaxing you to wrap your legs around his hips. A single hand would wander and with one small flick of his wrist he'd rub the weeping head of his cock along your clit, teasing you, wetting you with the creamy head before finally sink home! You could almost feel it.... Wait? WHAT WAS THAT?!

You gasped and slammed a hand to the side of the shower snapping your eyes open panting in shock. You whined looking down and flushed seeing your fingers had crept over your frame. Two deft fingers were nestled between your petals rolling your erect bud between them. You pulled them away slowly whining in both embarrassment and disappointment. You flushed lost yourself in the fantasy and he was just the other side of the fucking wall!? Jesus Christ! You just hoped you handt moaned outloud... if so you could try and say the water temperature changed or something. With any luck he would buy that. In the end you quickly shook your head deciding it'd be safer to just wash, rinse and get out asap.

You moved quietly out of the bathroom wrapped in a nighty, a small towel around your shoulders catching the drips from your hair. You walked into the bed room and saw henry lounging back on the bed. The man was watching the small tv one arm behind his head stretching out his chest and abs he had shead his top and shorts... He always ended up half naked in here for some reason.

You eyed him appreciatively from the door he wasn't alone, Kal was laying along side the gorgeous man, the dogs back against his masters wide set of ribs. Joey was sprawled out flat on her back all four legs in the air on your pillow, and had Henry's hand supporting her snoring form as she teetered head first on the edge. You noticed it had been fluffed lightly, Henry spoiling the pup no doubt. His whole hand swallowing her and one finger curling rubbing the side of it against her tiny pot belly.

"Any room for me over there? You know? It being my bed and all~" you quipped making him turn to face you grinning eyeing you up and down.

"Well I can think of a few places to seat you my love~" he said and licked his lips making you go all bashful laughing at him before throwing the small towel from your shoulders at his chest making him chuckle and throw it on the floor beside the bed and hold out a hand.

"Come here you~" he said with a soft look he was far to hot to look this sweet! He was a huge built like a brick shit house, an insanely buff man. And buff men were supposed to be meat heads, carnivorous manly men all 'fuck yeah testosterone!' Not sweethearts laying on a bed supporting the weight of a sleeping tiny sausage pup.

He moved over making room beside him letting you sprawl out cuddling up to him snuggling throwing one leg over him and settled, his hand around your waist breathing you in. You tipped back trying to avoid laying on him too much when your were still damp. You tipped your head back head to see what he was watching, and to your surprize he'd settled on a nature documentary narrated by David Attenborough.

Henry nuzzled into your neck groaning quietly littering your neck with kisses and sweet nips. It wasn't long before he'd rolled over managing to pin you to the bed below him with nothing kore then his huge frame. Two huge palms pressed either side of you taking just enough weight so he wouldn't crush you. Not that, that had any change to the way your breath hitched, pausing then laboured harder, lungs fighting for air and you heart thundering to life in your rib cage. You whimpered and moaned softly, mewling whilst feebly stretching out your legs then clenched trapping on of his own thighs between yours.

He chuckled then moaned into you, his barrelled chest vibrating against you with the low timbre of his groans. You huffed and grunted weakly below him. Henry continued mouthing and dragging his teeth over your neck before pressing on with his assault. He sucked and began biting harder and rocking over you. Rubbing his crotch on your thigh hissing and crying out, the godly sounds muffled by your neck that stayed securely between his mighty fanged jaws.

"Hen! Ah god~ I'm all wet stop!" You said and began giggling uncontrollably and he blew a raspberry on your neck tickling you.

"I thought that was the point?" He grinned cheekily at you then leaned forward pressing the gentlest of kisses to the bright red mark he'd left. He couldn't help feeling a sense of pride, in the coming days the red would become a bruise... Not that he wanted to leave bruises on you but this? This was different~ a love bite full of his passion and devotion, a little mark to show everyone you were spoken for. He smiled at you as you whined still trying to pull free from him and the bed that you were getting damp from your shower.

"Wetter is better love~ And trust me when I say you can drench me any day~" henry said pulling away from your neck and resting over you with a Cheshire grin and huffed a deep laugh at your flat look.

"Its not better on the sheets" you deadpanned at him tipping your head back watching him curiously, waiting for what ever mischief he had planned next.

"I beg to differ" he said winking then froze. He jolted and got up from you slowly sitting back on his ass. You frowned and shuffled to sit up beside him. But he wouldn't look at you instead shied away face burning red.

"H-Henry are you okay?" You asked watching as he pulled back and sat up awkwardly. He seemed to get uncomfortable and shy trying to cross his legs but you still didn't understand.

"Yes! Yes I'm fine I'm just fuck... It err I mean he..." henry breathed out quickly becoming more and more flustered. He looked panicked.

"He? What? Who Kal?" you frowned looking to the dog who was sleeping soundly at the bottom of the bed after moving over for you to lay beside henry. You scrunched your nose and followed the line of henrys huge muscular legs over his knees and fussy massive thighs then to his... oh.

"Oh err that shit I'm sorry did I? I mean I..." you stuttered looking away shyly as his boxers were straining against a huge lump, pulled tight over the hidden erect cock that had... popped up. You pulled back sitting up giving him some space and began apologizing saying sorry over and over as your face reddened, but you couldn't help staring at the bulge. It was just right there.

"No no its not you-well it is, but you couldn't have...You just drive me wild love" henry said unsure what to do, the man was embarrassed-mortified! He couldn't belive kissing you... Making out like a fumbling teenager would have made him this hard! Normally he had it under control, or managed to hide the half erect cock by tucking it into the waist band of his bottoms. But it had and now the question was what was he gonna do about it? If he left you'd know he would be at his bus whacking one out over you... And if he stayed? Well... he cant exactly just sit here with it can he?

"Well atleast I'm not the only one...you err I mean its..." you chuckled nervously trying weakly to make this a small thing and laugh about it. But that was not small! And there was nothing laughable about it!

"Fuck er... I'm so sorry god this is embarrassing!....shit love I, you just I really am sorry fuck... I was fuck I should have a cold shower it'll go away" he stuttered one hand dropping to cover the huge bulge in his boxers that had drawn all of you attention. Before you could even think you stopped him, moving a hand to his bare thigh tentativly. He froze and snapped his gaze to you as he felt your quivering fingers press lightly into his revealed thigh. You swallowed and placed your hand on the fuzzy thigh and drew a deep breath. You stared at him as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to speak but couldn't. He was far to shocked and finally closed his mouth and gulped as your hand smoothed small circles on his leg inching higher and higher you were eyeing him to see if he'd let you explore or stop you in your track.

"I Err... I'll do it-get rid of it" you all but whispered to him, your voice was weak and breathless as you battled yourself. You really did want to help him, as he helped you but... You'd never done anything like this before... never touched or played with someone before. You were a tad frightened that you were pushing it, that he'd say no and laugh... that he'd shoot you down and crush any confidence you had gained with him. It took a lot of courage to push yourself like this, to ask if you could explore a little... It was courage or stupidity, one of the two.

"What you? Oh god you don't have too love. I don't want to force you" henry said trembling in excitement, he couldn't help it. He wanted to jump for joy and drop his cacks. He wanted to smother you in sweet adorable kisses and tell you hat it was okay, there was no need to be shy. He wanted to let you do as you pleased and watch you as you innocently toyed with him and played with his cock! Your first ever cock!

He groaned and tilted his hips forward chaseing the image with his cock. Imagining your doe eyes looking at him in shock and wonder as you saw him for the first time. He smirked at the look on your face. Perfect pouty lips forming a tiny o, and your cheeks flushing. Your dainty hand trembling as it gripped him... just a little too tight making him cry out and rut up into your hand-

Fuck! he had to stop. He couldn't let you know how eager he was, how much he wanted to christen your hand with his cum and drench it. He grunted and bit his lip the image of him releasing over your hand, seeping through your fingers and lacing your wrist. Marking you for the first time in, marking you for himself. He had to calm down, otherwise you could feel to pressured, he didn't want you the feel as if you had to do anything.

"... I know that.... But? What if I...Wanted to?" You said shyly looking away from him twiddling the downy hair on his thigh with your fingers. Twisting and stroking it making him shiver. You were still unsure of yourself but wanted to make him feel good, it was also a way to prove to yourself you were... Well an adult woman. As silly as it sounded you just wanted to please him and prove to him you wanted him and that if... If he did want to take this whole relationship further it wouldn't be once sided. You'd give as well as take, you didn't want to be a pillow princess and be more hassle then you were worth.

"You want to? Babe I don't expect anything-you don't owe me you know that right?" Henry said trying to temper his excitement. He placed his hand over your palm that was still resting on his thigh teasing him unknowingly.

"I-I'll help... If I can... I want to" you stuttered your face burning brightly still downturned not wanting him to see how embarrassed you were. You didn't want him to think you were forcing yourself, because you wasn't it was just? This was the first time you'd asked to... Wank someone before and you wasn't really sure how you were meant to ask. And you were probably making a hash of it. Plus this was Henry the sweetest, incredibly gorgeous sexy man who you had a crush on for years. The man you could whole heartedly say you loved.

"Oh okay well you can I just didn't think... I don't want to push you honey, this is a big step for you and I never want you to feel pressured" he continued making you swoon. He was so caring and thoughtful. How anyone could ever let this man slip between their fingers was beyond you. Because he was perfect, chivalrous and polite but cheeky and funny. He managed to put you at ease and make you feel invincible all at once. Even now when you quivered and flushed brightly, when you are an anxious mess one beaming grin is enough to wash away all the fear and doubt. He gave you a strength and confidence you'd never had before.

"Can I help?... I won't if you don't want me to-" you said a little jittery but he laughed cutting you off then pressed a sweet kiss to your cheek shutting you up in the most gentle of ways making your heart melt. He didn't pull back instead resting his head on yours looking you in the eye.

"I want you to, trust me I fucking want you too! Just be... careful I kinda need him" he chuckled slowly leaning back giving you some space then nodded to you slowly finally giving you permission to touch him. You gulped flushing brighter taking a breath but faltered freezing. It was one thing saying you'd touch him, but a completely different ball game actually doing it. Henry saw the hesitation and acted quickly, moving to you kissing your lips hard prying your mouth open whilst sneakily guiding your hand to his cock giving you the little nudge you needed.

You snapped your eyes open and squeaked into his mouth trying to free your hand as he moved making you cup his erection. Henry met your eyes smiling against your lips, but he didn't pull away instead pushed against you harder licking into your mouth and nipping at your lips every few seconds.

He rolled his hips up into your hand guiding you to pet his crotch heavily. He moaned when a few seconds later you took over testing him in your hand.

He was large and for a better word. Meaty. Thick and hard yet soft and pliable. You felt silly you'd expected his cock to be almost solid like the few toys you had! But no, he was stiff and thick, much more pleasant then any toy you had.

"whoa... That's err...swollen...hard.. Never err fuck sorry" you berated yourself as you realised you were speaking outloud.

"No no, don't apologize honey... Its the first huh? Your fine.. Perfectly fine" he said softly in a whisper almost frightened that if he were too loud you'd get spooked and run off locking yourself in the bathroom... He moved a hand to your outer thigh and rubbed slow circles ready to capture you should you try to make a hasty retreat. It was up to you how far you wanted to go, but he didn't want you running off scared. No. He would rather you said enough was enough and then everything would stop.

Well maybe not everything, depending on how far you got he would have to make a quick trip to the bathroom to quickly rub one out. And if it came to that he wouldn't mind, it wouldn't be a loss. He would make it the loudest and most erotic hand job of his life. Moaning and grunting making sure you can hear just what you did to him, he'd cry your name over and over until he painted his hand with his cum and only be thinking of you. He wanted you to know just what you did to him, and it was you that did this to him. No one else.

"I… Yeah I've never.. Touched one before... Sorry I should just shut up.. You don't need me narrating" you muttered the apology quickly still cursing yourself for being such a virgin. Fuck he must be getting sick of it, you felt like you were becoming too much work. That you were too new and inexperienced that you'd be a shit fuck and you'd chicken out at the last minuet. henry Squeezed his fingers around you ushering you to hold him tighter but didn't move, he let you lead but helped you along.

You gasped as his huge hand curled around yours and snapped your fact to him gulping slightly before wetting your lips and dragging your bottom lip between your teeth. he chuckled at you before groaning the low purr like sound shaking you to your core and you trembled analysing him as his eyes fluttered closed and he grinned at you.

"Its cute~ I find it very enticing, something about being your first just makes me wild! I love it when your exploring... The fact you trust me to share this with you makes me so happy~" he finished with a small chuckle which did make you feel better if you were completely honest it made you feel special.

"I just... Its? I don't want to be all pathetic and stuff over it, I'm not your first-" you prattled on nervously looking down once more only to pause and flush when you saw your hand dwarfed by his and felt a the throbbing in your hand. Him. His large cock trapped between your fingers that where still curiously testing him, pressing and prodding at him absentmindedly.

"Your my first virgin, its why I'm going so slow I want to go at your pace love. You can do what ever you want to do" he finalized and released your hand dragging his fingers across your wrist and arm in a feather light touch. You had to say you were shook by that, you had thought he'd popped someone's cherry... I mean look at him! He was stunning any girl would jump at the chance for this huge hunk to be their first. But he hadn't? So? That would make this even more special? Wouldn't it?

"I want to... Please you and... Play a little?" You cooed rolling your tongue around your mouth behind your teeth. You avoided looking at him, missing the beaming thousand Watt smile that lit up his handsome face.

"Then you do just that, no complaints from me. None at all"

"O-okay... Just tell me if I'm... Rough o-or hurt you okay?" You stuttered drawing in a deep breath steeling yourself for this new and hopefully pleasurable experience.

"I will love. I promise"

With that you moved twisting him in your hand and rubbing him drawing soft moans and keens from him. You flicked your eyes back to him. Your pupils dilated as you soaked in the sight. His brow was slightly furrowed and his pink lips parted, lip darting out lapping at them in concentration. His eyes fluttered, almost like when he was fighting sleep. He seemed unwilling to look away from you but couldn't help closeing the lids hiding the deep blue pools. You got more adventurous pressing your fingers a Tad deeper into the fleshy shaft and roaming him with your thumb drawing circles on the underneath. His reaction was a jolt, his hips swayed rolling up into you trying to chase something.

Henry tensed at the feeling of you delicatly holding him, tight yet at the same time soft, so soft as if he'd break. It was breath-taking to have your hands on him finally without him guiding you either. This was you ad you along, you were touching him because you wanted to! His head tipped back and he groaned unable to stop himself from arching his hips up, feeding your hand a little more of his cock. You gasped as he did and tightened your hold as if frightened he would slip free of your grasp.

"Y-You know? You can get him out love, he wont bite~" Henry said hands moving the lay flat on the covers either side of him his head lulled back

"I wasn't... sure if that was okay..."

"There's nothing I want more then to have your tiny hands on my cock, I don't want to scare you is all... I'm not small and... it... I just don't want you to get worried" he said with a genuine look of concern. Your heart soared as the reality washed over you that he was more worried about you and how comfortable your were then just getting his rocks off. It was proof of just how much he cared about you, proof that he knew how big of a del this was for you. It almost made you believe he loved you back.

"... I wont be, I have seen cocks before, just not... touched is all... I want to I want to make you feel good but... don't know how" you muttered twisting your fingers a little more. For now you were content to just hold him, you wanted to take baby steps curling them around him through the boxers your eyes cast down at the admission but continue to play with him.

"O-Oh Fuck~ shit babe- that's it~ugh ughooofuck!" Henrys ground out, trying to remember to cry out rather then just grit his teeth and fuck into your palm with a quiet determination. Henry was a quiet lover for the most part... Well atleast during foreplay groans and grunts mostly until he was inside a soft wet cunt. Then he'd be as loud as he could! He loved the danger, the risk that someone might hear him having his way with a sexy little minx. And you were the only one he had eyes for now. And he wants nothing more then to let everyone know it.

Henry squinted his eyes at you for a second, his blues were dazed, blurred even from the throbbing pleasure that came from just having your hand around him. He watched you as you bit your lip rising to sit on your knees and lean over him resting on your other hand. It was cute, your face flushing as you concentrated on his cock, trying to forget just what it was in your hand no doubt. you were shy and nervous as expected and he couldn't find you anymore endearing. You were so sexy to him, pure an innocent but a little vixen in your own right.

"I could show you?" he offered moving his hand over yours again making you move lower trying to encourage you further. But his boxers didn't allow much more movement. He sighed and pulled your hand free. You tried ripping your hand away worried you'd crossed the line, but he didn't release you.

"No... no your fine honey, perfectly fine, here I'm just moving this out of the way is all~" he reassured you holding your hand in his while using the other, hooking a thumb under he elastic of his boxers twisting around behind him and shimmied them down under his ass. At the same time he scooted back, sitting up on your bed leaning his back against the built in head board behind him. You followed, well you had to he refused to release your hand, far too worried of you scampering off and looseing your nerve, if that happened he'd probably never get another chance. He had to encourage you, push past the nerves and thoughts and just feel. He wanted to make you feel comfortable and confident... And to do that he had to let you know you were doing well, that you were pleasuring him.

And quite frankly, you were. So much so his cock was already dribbling all over the place eager to have your hands on him. He wanted you like no other, he wanted to kiss and bite at you, press himself inside of you and share your body, take you for his own morning noon and night! You completed him in a way he'd feared he would never experiance and he hoped it was the same for you.

You were two sides of one coin, two puzzle pieces that he was eager to come together, to collide with you in the most primal of ways and prove just how perfect you both were for each other.

As the days ,weeks and months had gone by he had realised that this truly was it. He loved you, completely in every way shape and form you could love another. And it was his greatest hope to one day finally have you, not just in his bed, but in his life, his home and his family. Each day he grew closer to achieving that, each day he could see a life with you more clearly. But he was still holding back, because one wrong move could ruin it all. And he was not going to ruin this, his mother always said good things come to those who wait, and by god henry had waited a long time for you and he wont wreck it because he moved too fast.

You moved up beside him almost sitting on your own pillow that Joey had been curled up on, instead she had nestled herself under kal's chin at the bottom of the bed. Henry grinned at you licking his lip once before leaning over to you pressing a single loving kiss to your lips. It was innocent but no less intense, but this time wasn't full of the passion from before. It was the love, the emotion he put into the single peck. It blew you away. You could almost say it was love. Like the burning all encompassing love you admitted you had for him. He pressed your hand flat to his lower abs.

You gasped when he smoothed a palm over yours holding it flat to his skin then dragged the palm south. He keened softly not holding back the small shudder as your fingertips burying into a thick thatch of curls then you froze. Your breath hitched when he'd pressed your hand into his boxers that were hanging low, barley covering the root of his cock, some curls showing over the top. He moved you further still letting you feel him, caressing the thick tame curls until you were touching the soft skin of his cock.

Henry arched groaning breathlessly as you cupped him instinctively, slowly pressing your fingertips in soft lines over the thick fleshy rod. He was warm to touch, unlike your toys that were cold... And the skin had a little movement as your slowly touched him managing to twist your fingers around him. Finally after what seemed like and eternity you had you hand wrapped around him in a loose fist. Fingers and thumb still pressing and rubbing at him trying to get used to the feel of him. He was weighty? Heavier than you'd thought he would be, and you couldn't tell just how long he was but your hand wasn't at his tip... Or touching his pelvis.

You eyed him biting your lip trying to watch him for any displeasure or tell tale signs that he wanted to stop. Consent went both ways and you didn't want to do anything he didn't want to. Even with all his praise and reassurance you still wanted to be mindful. You knew you could accidentally hurt him. Henry noticed you were eyeing him knowing at your lip consciously. He moved his hand from yours and placed his fingers to your chin curling them then pulled your lip free from your teeth with a smile.

"Go on love, its okay I want you to. I want to feel you explore and you can stop whenever you like. Remember you don't owe me anything honey, you don't have to do anything you don't want to" Henry praised smoothing a thumb over your lip and pressing a little firmer, without thinking you kissed the digit. Swiping your tongue over the pad in soft shy kitten licks. He chuckled and pressed a tad harder only to gasp when you sucked his thumb in your mouth trapping it between your teeth and suckled lightly making him moan at the sight of your slightly hollowed cheeks.

He let you do as you pleased, your hand still on his cock tentative strokes being added to the little massage you were treating him to. He suddenly pulled back needing to fist both hands in the sheets below as you squeezed his cock a little tighter once more, like how you had over his boxers. Henry remained like that grunting throwing his head back trying desperately to hold his hips still wanting to give you time and space to have your own little adventure.

You tipped your head to him slowly then cast your eyes down to the twitching muscles over his abdomen finding the way they moved enticing, each slow tiny pump of your hand had him reacting, grunts and keens small jolts and stretching his legs out below him. Your skin prickled as he opened his eyes, the blues half lidded and lusty gazing at you strained, full of need. A need you understood. Your breaths became quiet pants whilst watching him tremble, flicking his feet placeing them flat on the bed with his knees bent only to kick out and straighten them again with a grunt.

You hissed still working him, moveing faster finding a rhythm, you noticed you got the best reaction from him if the squeezed him harder near his tip and used your thumb to rub over his slit as you reached the crown. He widened his legs and tried closeing them at one point. But you didn't stop, your hand moved all the time just toying with him, trying different motioned and flexing your hand trying to find out what he liked and what he didn't. Slowly swaying from side to side yourself making your own lips rub against your now swollen clit. Your nipples peaked thought the cotton making him watch your heaving chest licking his lips and huff a broken chuckle. He was glad you were also enjoying yourself.

You slowly twisted your hand taking hold of him firmer holding your wrist in a less uncomfortable position. He was hot and very thick, your fingertips couldn't meet around him. Henry grunted as you held him before sliding down, following the velvet twitching flesh searching for his base. Henry eyed you as your eyes got wider as your hand travelled the distance of his cock. Then after what felt like hours your hand hit home. Nestling into his curls.

You swallowed dryly and squeezed a little harder watching as his mouth fell open in a wordless cry. You would have pulled away thinking he was in pain but the uncontrolled buck of his hips told another story. You grinned and moved your thumb pressing on the underside of him, feeling a thick... muscle? That was flexing, straining and twitching below him. It throbbed faster under the small circles your drew with your thumb.

"fuck uugh aah shit yes that's it-FUCK FUCK BABE~ AHAHAHAAAUGH!" you flicked your gaze to Henry watching him fist the sheets either side of him tensing and flexing his powerfull body and curling forward slightly, his hips rising to meet you in shallow thrusts.

You pulled your hand up holding him tightly all the way. He yelped and tried to follow your hand hiding a red flush creeping up his chest. It was incredible, you could feel him quivering, see every mighty muscle in him come to life and tense. His ABS spasmed beautifully and the pectorals in his chest flexed, biceps tense and bulging as he gripped the covers in two glorious fists. Then his shoulders? God the were stunning, broad and rippling as he jolted tugging at the muscles in his neck, muscles that looked perfect for biting. Your eyes blew wide and mouth ran dry, the fist wrapped around him was now pumping him in short fast strokes on auto pilot, like you just instinctively knew what to do. You'd not really put much thought into tossing someone off, never thought this could be that erotic. Many friends said it was a chore. Boring and a pain in the ass... And the wrists. Honestly they must have been doing it wrong, because this was insanely arousing!

Just watching him was causing the heat to pool between your legs, every gasp and whine he released was echoed by your own soft mewls. Your thighs rubbing ever so slightly. His pulse beating faster and faster and the mewls became louder until they were true moans, cries of pleasure that were just as deep and powerful as he was.

You moved your hand all the way across his shaft watching his face, the needy look was something that would always stay with you. You held the crown of his cock and twisted your hand pressing down on it letting it wet your hand. His warm precum dousing it in proverbial fire. You slowly drew up higher only petting him with your fingertips and massaged, pressing into the wet thick flesh in slowly drags and twists. Henry jerked up yelping as you did so making the elastic of his boxers ping and slip front your hand revealing the once concealed sight of his huge erect cock in your tiny hands grip.

"Oh god, I'm sorry did I hurt you?!" You breathed out panicked making to releasing him fearing you'd caught him with a fingernail or something. But Henry was quick amazingly so. His hands snapping you yours holding you still and he moved moaning louder as he rutted the head of his cock into you almost cage like fingers bumping the tip onto your palm wetting it with small drops of cum already.

"Fuck! I-no its no ones ever-UHGH FUCK AHA SSHIT~ please! Please don't I need!" Henry babbled grunting and moaning as you flexed your fingers.

"Fuck I need you love~ soo bad please!" You grinned feeling more and more confident and grasped his hand prying it from your own and held it sweetly. You tipped your other hand around fisting him again then began to stroke him whilst rubbing circles into his sensitive tip. He grunted louder panting and pleading with every breath he had when both your hands worked in tandem slow short pumps at first then gradually longer and faster.

Henry went wild below you moaning as your hand moved with ease along him coaxing out more cum from his tip that dribbled down over your moving hand. You tried to concentrate, watching as the taught skin wrapped around his cock give way to a beautiful glistening tip, the mushroom head was pink, but quickly becoming deeper in colour as you moved along him.

You slowed once more watching fascinated by him, your grip tightened again, all the... cum was making him slip through your hand easily so much so you were worried he would slip free of your fist. He growled almost snarling at you his hands came up to grab your hands once more only to stop and clench into fists and pin them to his sides not wanting to take over but at the same time needing you to finish him. Your nervous exploration quickly became almost sadistic teasing. You were fascinated with him, his reactions and sounds that drove your own blood racing faster and arousal to pool between your legs.

Henry's patience paid of when you smoothed his wet cock with your fingers and curled your thumb over his head as you reached the crown once more and stopped stroking. Instead you drew the pad of your thumb over his slit, exploring still, acquainting yourself with him. He was now hot, very very hot in your hand and seemed to have gotten harder and dare you say thicker from your... playing.

You leaned over him trying to get a better look. He was magnificent it a strange way? You'd never thought that cocks could be anything more then weirdly erotic, never beautiful but his was. A pleasing looking curve to him, thick and powerful just like the rest of him and... veiny? The thick throbbing veins wound around him like lace. Coiling and pretty?

He was frightening to behold in his glory long, longer than you thought a cock should be if you were completely honest, it was the type of cock that would pop in a 'monster cock' search on porn. yet you wasn't frightened? Far from it! You didn't care that your small frame would barley take him as far as you were concerned he was welcome to rearrange your guts!

Your eyes trailed over him as you teased his slit, rubbing it and prodding with the flesh of your thumb it was big enough to press the tip of your thumb into. You did so gently remembering a video of a hand job once. The man had loved it but you knew you had to be gentle. You mimicked what you remembered pressing the tip of your thumb into it, just so the skin parted and the flicked, rubbing the sensitive flesh.

Henry cried out a gruntle moan growling and tried fucking up into you muttering 'oh god' over and over closing his eyes and throwing his head back. He liked that then? His groans got louder as you rubbed at him then squeezed with the rest of your fingers trying to hold him still.

"I-is that? Okay?... I mean its err... not to tight?" You asked frowning but he just cried out and widened his legs rocking meeting your hand with shaky thrusts. You quickly added your other hand to him. This time curling them both around him and jerking him up and down as fast as you could making sure to press your finger is along the veins as you went. He roared and ached up not expecting you to go at it like that be was thankfull for it, a few tears escaped his eyes as you work him through both hands, his eyes snap open and a cacophony of unintelligible sound pouring from him as his body spasmed.

You grinned and leaned over him pressing a sweet kiss to his shoulder before resting your cheek on it looking down as you continued fucking him with your hands twisting as you reached his base drawing a delicious high yip from him. He turned his head to you moaning into your ear, one of his hands wrapped around your waist digging the strong fingers into the soft swell of your love handles and closed his eyes. You followed suit loosing yourself in his harsh sounds, imagining him holding you rutting up into you singing this new beautiful melody.

Then without so much as a warning he arched throwing his head back again jerking harshly into your hand, his cock was tensing tugging his balls up meeting your hand and began pleading desperately eyes wide and wanting. He watched you, nothing else his eyes didn't look at your face instead his needy gaze bored into yours you could see he was close his eyes glazed both with unshed tears and an addictive heady lust that you want to see again and again. You'd never get tired of that look, the needy sexy thirsty look pick tongue wetting his lips and a flushed sweaty face torn between a tight look of concentration and a serene happiness. Giddy and excitable.

"F-fuck DONT STOP! PLEASE-oh goooooddd fuck fuck please-love I -don't stop I want you to! AhUGH!" He babbled rolling his he'd back trembling legs trying to fuck up into your hands. You moaned yourself watching him loose himself.

"Your doing perfect-FUCK SOO~ YES PERFECT! Just- please don't stop fuck OH-OHGOD! I-I'm gonna cum! Fuck fuck yes just-oh God fuck babe please?!" He roared loud and suddenly stilled arched high. You felt it, the way his cock jerked in your hand pumping his release from his balls. Then he was releasing thick dribbles of cum spurt from his tip. In a blind panic you tightened your hand just under his crown and slapped your hand over his head suddenly afraid of him getting your sheets messy. You wasn't sure why. It was irrational but it was a knee jerk reaction.

"FUCK FUCK- BABE?! Yes- OH! God ple-please I need to- please please fuck let go please I can't?!"He swore at contorted bucking into you powerfully as you did so. The flat of your palm blocking his release, forcing his orgasm to last longer as his cumulative was trapped in his cock. Henry squinted and rocked up into your palm grunting and choking on his own moans almost unable to breath then you finally pulled away. Gasping as he finally growled cumming in thick ropes across himself. The force of his delayed release making his cock bob and sway under its own power. He grunted and thrusted his hips moaning breathing heavy still letting loose more cumulative dribbling from him even as his cock began softening and laid back on his abdomen.

You blinked eyeing him cautiously as he panted looking up at the ceiling groaning, bringing his hands to his hair and dragging his fingers through it wiping his sweaty brow. You flicked your gaze to your hand smothered in his release. Without even a though you brought you palm to your face and sniffed, there wasn't really a smell to it, just male but clean? Then you craned forward and tentatively lapped at it.

It was... strange a peculiar taste but not unpleasant, musty and male but not salty like others had lead you to belive. You lapped gingerly and paused hearing him growl a very low Geralt growl through some harsh pants the force of his erratic breaths rocking the bed.

"Baby you really need to stop that~ because if not we will end up doing this all night~" You flushed wide eyed at him and

"I-Is that such a bad thing?" you quipped popping a finger into your mouth and sucking feeling sexier then you probably looked. You quickly tore your hand away from your face embarrassed at the thought wiped it on the covers beside you.

"oh god you think you can just tease huh? Well if you get me hard again I may have to just roll you over and show you just how long in can hold you on the edge hm?" he teased making you falter the image of being below him thrashing as he held you on the edge of rapture, which you just knew he would be able to do effortlessly, the ache between your thighs deepen. But he didn't give you a chance to dwell on it as he grinned mischievously at you and pounced. You squealed as he dived over you caging you below him not caring that h was now fully naked over you, or that his now flaccid cock was dirtying your nighty. He held you dragging your lips to meet his in a deep kiss, tongue and teeth both ravaging your mouth biting your lips and nipping at your tongue as you prodding him with it trying to ease yourself into his mouth keening.

You whined feeling a wet patch form on your belly from his cock rubbing into it. He rocked over you grunting and claiming your mouth as his own once more, not caring in the slightest that you now tasted of him. But then again it was probably the same for him and it was you. There was a possessiveness that came with tasting of one another. He pulled back holding himself over you with one hand gazeing down at you still pinning you with his abdomen and waist. His heavy from wasn't uncomfortable, in fact it was very nice having him over you like this, comforting in a strange way?

He breathed in deep trying to draw in lungfulls of the delicious coconut mango shampoo and body wash you used. His free hand smoothed over your cheek cupping it in his hand. You whined closing your eyes nuzzling into the gentle palm sighing and fluttered your eyes relaxing in your own skin for what felt like the first time on your life. Henry's face softened, settling into a warm smile, wide blue eyes staring at you adoringly.

"I love you Y/n" you froze mouth hanging open as he whispered the words at you. You blinked and tried to breath or speak or anything! But you were shell shocked. 'he... He just? Oh my- no but? Henry just? OH FUCK! FUCK HE DOES- HE LOVES ME? HE LOVES ME! Joey, mum Anya tee- they were right! He-henry loves me back! I'm... Oh god' tears gathered in your eyes at the thoughts, the realisation that you were in love and loved in return!

He held his breath biting his lip cursing himself as you went quiet, the room became tense as the seconds passed. Somehow he just couldn't hold back this time. He just had to finally tell you premature or not. He loved you whole heartedly and you needed to know. It had just felt right but maybe he shouldn't have blurted it out in his afterglow like that. But he had and he couldn't take it back. He wouldn't.

You managed to compose yourself and swallow the lump in your throat just as panic washed over you when he opened his mouth. He looked apologetic and as if he was about to start to take it back. You didn't give him a chance to and moved sitting up on your elbows diving in for another kiss trying to pour your feeling into it. He must have got the message, he relaxed and smiled against your lips making you pulled back as tears began rolling down your face and you sniffed quietly trying not to bawl like silly little girl.

"I l-love you too H-Henry" you wept quietly somehow giggling through the tears and admission. Henry rolled on his side and wound his arms around you dragging you to his chest snuggling you. He grinned his heart about ready to burst as you told him what he'd been waiting so long to hear. He tucked his head into your neck kissing you as you cried sweetly. Happy tears of his own slowly streaking his face wetting your neck as he nuzzled into it muttering over and over I love you almost like he was making up for lost time, all the instances he'd wanted to tell you now spilling from him. And the best thing? Was you uttering it back every single time.

This was it. This is what love was supposed to be open, warm and unafraid. Freeing and all consuming. And now he knew what true love felt like he wasn't letting go. He was never letting you go. He summarized holding you tighter as you clutched at him. Now all he had to do was fuck you silly to drive home the message, but that could wait. For now he was going to enjoy this feeling of finally having the love of his life in his arms. No secrets. No wondering. No uncertainty. You loved him and he loved you and from here on out it was the two of you against the world. He eyes you as your breathing evened out your tears stopped and you watched him skimming a finger over his chest swirling the small curls.

"I think we should get some sleep love, afterall you are training with me tomorrow and I wont be going easy on you~" he teased chuckling as you pouted.

"B-but I hurt my leg" you whined at him

"Your leg was fine when you were rocking on it earlier... Why were you rocking anyway love? Have an inch needing scratching?" he quipped prodding your side making you squirm and whimper at him cheeks flushing. He definetly knew you had an inch needing scratching. It was just a shame you really did need to be wide awake tomorrow.

"I-I? Just shut up you!" you grunted and snuggled into his chest more hiding away from him.

"Aww don't be like that, I promise once I'm done throwing you about tomorrow I will tend to your little Eden~" he teased making your whole body glow bright red at his sweet yet tempting promise.

"D-Don't call it that!" you squeaked out at him.

"But Eden is cute? Or do you prefer kitty? Cunny? Princess parts? Love box? Fanny? No your right I don't like that oh what about Quim? Peach... But your ass is more like a peach-" he started listing off more nicknames for your most intimate parts each one worse then the others.

"Fuck okay okay Eden! Eden it is! Jesus Christ just stop!" you snipped trying to stop this madness. He released a deep belly laugh at your flustered look and held you tighter.

"Never~ come on lights out love"

"fucking give you lights out if you carry on" you huffed pouting but snuggled into him making him laugh as he flicked off the tv and bed side light.

"Ooo feisty I like it~" he muttered into the darkness pulling the covers over the both of you getting ready to settle for the night.

"Oh go to sleep, aren't men supposed to pass out after popping one off?" you asked with a sigh.

"Most men but love you forget I am a Witcher we have inhuman stamina so another three should do it if your offering~" he said cheekily making you sigh loudly making him press a kiss to your head.

"Good night honey, I love you" instantly the slight irritation you had melted and you tipped your face up and pressed a kiss to his lips making him freeze obviously not expecting the kiss.

"I love you too now get some sleep, if your throwing me around I want you well rested and on your A game." with that you both fell into silence drifting off to sleep tangled in one another's embrace the prefect image of a blissful couple.

#henry cavill #henry cavill smut #henry cavill fic #henry cavill x reader #rpf #witcher fic #henry cavill x y/n

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jodibodie · 3 years

Text

I Have Some Feelings

To start let me just emphasize how much I love and adore this show and always will. This was my covid show. Both of my kids loved “Lucifer” and always said I should watch so at the start of covid I binged it and when I say binged, I mean all 4 seasons in a few days and have rewatched so many times I’ve lost count. I think it is timeless, engrossing, original and all around amazing. The writing and the cast were all excellent. The writing was smart and consistently strong and that is so rare. Funny, sad, poignant, it hit all the notes with very few plot holes or missteps. There is not one episode in the entire series that was not engaging. Even if I didn’t like an episode, it was still well done. What a rarity.

The cast is scary good. Completely underrated. Just all phenomenally talented. I don’t remember the last time a cast was this strong. From the core group to both reoccurring and guest stars, the cast was just fantastic.

Tom Ellis, no words. The man deserves to choose whatever he wants to do acting wise. He should have people breaking down his door. He can truly do it all and do it all well. He took a character that if portrayed by a lesser actor could have come off as a complete asshole and made him one of the most sympathetic and loveable characters in recent history. Ellis made a crime solving devil, a promiscuous man-child that occasionally breaks into song and the evidence room into a beloved character that has become an icon.

Lauren German, WOW. She is just so damn good. She can break your heart one second and have you laughing the next. She makes Chloe real, and people don’t realize how hard that is. Chloe is smart, kind, tough and gorgeous but she’s also an insecure dork. She’s us and German just brings it.

DB Woodside I’ve loved since “Buffy”. He is a phenomenal actor and who knew he could bring the laughs so well? His expressions were classic. Clueless angel indeed. Amenadiel could have been very one-dimensional but because of Woodside’s talent he became fully fleshed out and full bodied.

I have no doubt Lesley-Ann Brandt has a huge career in front of her. She took a character that very well could have been hated, a demon and made her into one of the most human characters on the show. Kudos to her for taking a tough role and making it her own.

Kevin Alejandro is another actor I’ve loved for a long time. He also took a character who if we’re going to be honest here did so many unlikeable things that he should have been truly despised but because of Kevin’s portrayal he was beloved. Great actor and a terrific director.

Rachael Harris IMO is the downlow MVP. She was literally the rock and again, with a lesser actress the role could have been a throwaway. The normal human, the sounding board but Harris imbued her with so much more. Her spit takes, sarcasm and her obvious compassion was what made Dr. Linda an unforgettable character. Once again just perfect casting.

Aimee Garcia was a great addition. She made Ella a fan fav and put so much heart, joy and sincerity into Ella never once did you doubt that she would prevail no matter what was thrown at her. Garcia was just fantastic, and I want her skin care regime.

Scarlett Estevez pulled off the one thing I thought almost impossible. She took the role of a young child and made it so I didn’t want to cringe. She portrayed Trixie so beautifully from day one that she was a true pleasure to watch. Even though Trixie was super precocious Estevez never made her obnoxious. I loved Trixie and I have never said that about any child character in an adult show. She was wonderful and has an amazing career in front of her.

That said, I’ve got some feelings now that I’ve seen the finale and have had some time to digest it all. I love that Chloe and Lucifer had eternity and I agree that they had to be separated for Chloe’s lifetime. Didn’t like it but it’s the logical path. She’s human, he’s not. The ageing thing alone necessitated them not being together long term on earth and that’s just to start the list. They had to had to be apart for the short term to get their eternity but the duality of Lucifer's ending and Amenadiel's didn't sit right. Amenadiel as God got to have it all. His calling, his family etc. while Lucifer had to give up everything. I also don’t buy the “If he came up from hell, he could never leave them again” defense. I call bullshit. Amenadiel managed, plus, missing out on the day to day is a huge sacrifice and by Lucifer missing out on the day-to-day Rory could still have had the hatred she needed to drive the story. Popping in for birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc., the big stuff does not a father make. Not being there for skinned knees, first heartbreaks, and all the little things a daughter needs her dad for can build up tons of resentment. Boom, absentee father, just like his dad was. That provides all the millennial angel angst you could ask for. I have a daughter; it doesn’t take much.

The Trixie issue was huge for me. Can Chloe see her in Heaven? Will she be able to travel to Heaven and visit Trixie, Penelope, Dan, her father? Chloe hesitated leaving Heaven in 5x16 because she couldn’t bear saying good-bye to her dad again. It seems as if Chloe sacrificed everything for Rory including Trixie. I want to preface this by saying. I liked Rory and loved the actress. I didn’t however like how it was as if she were their only child. When Lucifer spoke of family Trixie was not mentioned. Their family day, the same thing. She didn’t need to be there, I get that the explanation regarding Rory would have been way too much to get into but just a mention of her, how awesome it would have been to share this day with her would have worked. It seemed as if Lucifer went from, “I would do anything to protect that little Urchin” to “Trixie who”. Trixie was a character that we watched grow up and she meant something to us. I hate to say this, but the writers did Trixie and the viewers dirty in this regard.

This show was built around a few premises. Free will, honesty, redemption, sacrifice and family, both blood and made. The ending completely negated almost all of these. Chloe and their entire family were made into the one thing Lucifer abhorred the most which are liars. Their daughter was brought up surrounded by lies. What did they tell Trixie? The poor kid just lost her dad, and she was pissed at Lucifer when he went back to hell the first time. Did she grow up hating him because as far as she knew Lucifer left her mom again without saying good-bye and this time it was even worse because Chloe was pregnant. I get that the actress who plays Trixie had limited availability but seriously. A quick good-bye.

“Hey Urchin, you won’t understand why for a long time, but I have to leave. You know I never lie so I can’t explain why but know that I love you and your mom and one day I hope you can forgive me.”

A 30 second scene would have worked.

As all the characters learned throughout the series, omission of the truth is just a form of lying and there are always repercussions i.e., Chloe and Father Kinley, Dan shooting Lucifer, Maze finding out about Lilith and even Ella not being told. As far as free will, both Chloe and Lucifer had their free will taken from them in the end. By Rory forcing them to abide by her wishes, their free will was forfeited. It was a huge manipulation on Rory’s part and considering how much Lucifer hated manipulations it just didn’t sit right.

Parents making huge sacrifices I get. Chloe and Lucifer sacrificed everything for their child. Unfortunately for me this sacrifice, the way it was written seemed contrived to pull out maximum and IMO unjustified angst. I love angst. Hell, this is my favorite show. I thrive on the angst. But as I wrote earlier, all the anger, angst and hatred towards Lucifer could have been achieved without having Lucifer completely out of the picture. I have two kids and my husband, and I have made huge life altering sacrifices for them as many parents do but being there for the day-to-day little things was what made the difference in their lives and cemented the close relationships we have with them.

“Yeah, dad you were great. Showing up for the fun stuff, always swooping in for the big finish to play the hero then ditching us when things got tough. When Grandma was dying where were you? Nice that you showed up for the funeral but the six months leading up to it…we needed you and once again you weren’t there. When T got sick, when Jen broke my heart, blah, blah, blah…”

Even the whole Chloe dying scenario. They could have written it that rage Rory traveled minutes before Lucifer got there. Have him pop in right after Rory comes back. There were so many ways to achieve the end game they wanted other than the way they went. It seemed contrived and as if they took the easy way out to get where they needed to go. The Rory rage that was the catalyst for her traveling back in time and Lucifer finding his calling could still have been accomplished without the whole Lucifer disappearing storyline.

Now that I’ve finished my diatribe there’s a couple of additional things I would like to say. Lucifer is and always will be one of my favorite shows of all time. There are not enough words to describe the comfort and enjoyment this show has brought me. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the producers, cast and crew. You truly created something special.

To the fandom. Please do not let a polarizing conclusion rip apart the fandom. The only other fandom I was a part of tore itself apart so badly that the FBI got involved. Hence why I waited for 15 years to dip my toe in again. Everyone invested in this show has the right to their feelings. Debate is fine, baiting and bullying are not. The Lucifer fandom like the show is very special. Without the fandom we wouldn’t have gotten any conclusion so don’t let opposing viewpoints tarnish what has been a magical journey.

#lucifer #season6 #spoilers #lucifer spoilers #lucifer season6 spoilers #lucifer morningstar #chloe decker #trixie espinoza #rory morningstar #luciferseason6 #tom ellis #lauren german #db woodside #lesley-ann brandt #rachael harris #kevin alejandro #scarlett estevez #brianna hildebrand

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shotofire · 3 years

Note

hello ! hru ? plz if you dont mind, levi ackerman x reader (modern) doing to him "wipe away kisses prank", they're watching tv, his girlfriend kiss his lips then wipe it away acting like nothing happend xd thank you take care of yourself 🖤🖤

Hi!!! I’m great! Awe this is such a cute idea! and i’ve been wanting to write a modern fic. thank you so much for requesting my sweet! <3 you take care of yourself as well :p I sorta changed up the prank part a bit but it’s the same concept, I hope you enjoy.

•MODERN!LEVI x F!READER

•Warnings: cursing here and there, very very very slight mentions of smut

•Season: Not set within the show

Levi Ackerman wasn’t big on affection. So when he starting dating (y/n) it was a huge surprise for everyone. She had to be the most touchy person on the face of the Earth. Hugging people was a hobby of hers, and she liked to poke peoples sides for the fun of it.

The first time he’d met her was at a gathering Hanji had dragged him to with a few friends. The last thing he wanted to have to do was make small talk with some people he worked with. He was taken aback when a girl he’d never seen before was coming up to him with a sweet smile and arms open wide.

It was obvious that Levi acted different around her. Someone would do something little as put their arm around his shoulder and he’d flinch away. Then someone like her wrapped their arms around his middle and Hanji literally gasped out loud when he hugged (y/n) back.

After months went by of him seeing her at friend events, he asked her out on a proper date. The man hasn’t dated since he was in his early twenties so this was a game changer for him. No one saw the pair getting together, they were polar opposite.

That’s why Levi took such a liking to the women. She was nothing like him and it kept him interested. Everything she did was out of the kindness of her heart, and she was very into speaking her mind. Levi usually just said a simple sentence that was somewhat insulting and went about his day.

(y/n) on the other gave entire speeches of exactly what she was thinking, and wasn’t scared to call somebody out. He admired how big she was on helping anyone that she could. He didn’t even have to worry if the kindness was an anterior motive, he knew she didn’t like seeing people down.

“Are you judging me?” She had asked one day at a table full of their closest friends.

His eyes had narrowed at her question. They hadn’t talked very much at this point, but it was the moment that really drew Levi in. He looked around at everyone else at the table and they were already snickering under their breaths. The whole group thought he found her annoying but it was the complete opposite.

Everything she did had him in a trance. She kept him entertained with everything she said, but it’s understandable why she felt he had a disliking for her. The man never talked unless spoke too, but that was just how he worked. Though (y/n) took it rather personally because she found herself easy to talk to, and she’d never met someone so observant and quiet.

“No, if I did i’d make it obvious,” he had answered with his arms crossed.

She smiled at his words. In a way she found them sweet instead of rude. She was one of the few people who could understand his real meaning behind his words.

“Good,” she said proudly, “cause I would hate for a cutie like you to find me annoying.”

Levi’s mouth had fallen open at her words. Never in his life had someone called him a cutie, maybe when he was a child but not anytime in his adult life. The way her eyes sparkled as she watched his flustered reaction made him realize he liked this girl a lot. That was the night he’d first asked her on a date, and things escalated from there.

(y/n) was different and he liked it. Most people didn’t say straightforward things to him because they were scared for his reaction. But she wasn’t in anyway frightened by him. She actually found it kind of funny that the group find him so scary at times. Sure she could admit his gaze would be rather intimidating at times but that’s the worst it got to her.

He first took her out to eat at a sushi place and she literally squealed when they walked in the door. He couldn’t even hold back the laughter at her excitement, and that was the fist time she had heard his sweet laugh. She’d seen him smile plenty of time, but the fact she got him to go further than that only boosted her confidence.

They had sat there for hours talking about the most random things. (y/n) had never heard Levi spill so much information at once and she was absolutely living for it. She still couldn’t believe the quiet mystery guy of her friend group found interest in her.

“Did you know your quietness makes you more intriguing to me,” she had said with a blush on her cheeks, “It makes me want to get to know you more than anyone i’ve ever met.”

He nervously chuckled at her words and took another bite of sushi. That was the first time in the night he had kinda gone quiet. She began to worry she’d embarrassed him somehow and started to think too much. He noticed her manner change pretty quickly.

“I’m glad i’m interesting to you, no ones ever been interested in me,” he had said with a quiet voice.

She smiled softly, “You’re too pretty to not be interested in.”

That was the first day she had seen Levi blush so hard. She was also the first person to call him pretty. He had nervously ran his fingers through his hair with a slight chuckle. This women truly was something else and he found peace in her mannerism. He liked the way he felt when he was with her, and he had no plan on letting her go.

“You’re gorgeous,” he’d said on their next date which was a picnic.

It was (y/n)’s idea of course, she wanted to do something different. She told him she already had an idea for another date if he was interested, and of course he was. She smiled brightly at his words, even though she had just taken a bite of her sandwich. The sweet moment made her wonder what their friend group would say about this alternative Levi they had yet to meet.

After a few more weeks he’d invited her to his apartment. There was no alternate motive behind the invite, he just wanted to cook for her. She had told him many times she was a ‘slut for spaghetti,’ which made him laugh harder than he had in years. When he told her he wanted to make her food she absolutely insisted that she get the pleasure of watching.

He didn’t expect her to ask something like that but she was persistent with the question so he allowed it. She’d asked about a million questions as he made it, and everyone who knew him would be surprised to know he found joy in her constant talking. He was so used to silence, but her sweet voice always filled the air and made him feel whole.

When (y/n) had literally moaned as she took a bite of the spaghetti his stomach did a flip. The sound was beautiful and he thought about the day he’d get to hear it over and over again. Though, Levi was in no rush whatsoever. He was an extremely patient man and valued taking things slow. The two had been seeing one another for almost three months now and the most that had happened is hand holding and cuddling.

After dinner (y/n) suggested a movie. Of course she insisted on something romantic, she valued the cliche of it. Levi agreed but wasn’t as excited as she was. But seeing her eyes light up as he said yes was way better than any movie they could watch.

Now Levi sat on the couch with (y/n)’s arms wrapped around his waist and head on his lap. The sight was very heartwarming and he wanted to take a picture of how beautiful she looked, but he decided not too. Sure she had taken many pictures of him and with him but he was still scared she’d find it weird.

She felt his eyes on her and moved her hands from around him so she could lay flat on her back. She raised an eyebrow at him and smirked.

“Do you find me better to watch than the movie?”

A shock ran through him at your straightforward question. She always did things like this to him on purpose. Making his stern self flustered had to be one of her greatest powers. She reaches up to touch his soft hair and he shivers slightly from her cold hand.

The room fell silent and the air began to change. (y/n) gulped at the the feeling and turned her attention back to the movie, acting as if nothing had just happened. He frowned when she did this. Did she not want to kiss him?

That wasn’t the case, though. She wanted to kiss him more than anything. Hell, she wanted to do a lot of things with him. One would think she was straight forward in every department, but not when it comes to kissing. The last time she kissed someone her tooth went into their lip on accident and embarrassed the hell out of her.

She felt Levi’s body become sluggish when she turned away. In that moment (y/n) decided to get over her fear. After all he was different, they had a whole different story line. Her last failed hookup wasn’t anything compared to the bond her and Levi had created.

(y/n) sat up quickly and Levi almost jumped at her sudden action. He turned his head to look at her, and was about to ask what the matter was, but her lips were already being pressed against his. Warmness filled both of their bodies and the softness of her lips were addicting. But as soon as it started, it ended.

He almost whined when she pulled away, then her hand dragged across his lips, and he was beyond confused. Her attention was turned back to the television as if nothing had happened. As if they didn’t just kiss for the first time and she hadn’t just tried to wipe it away.

“Why did you just do that?” he asked confused, but he couldn’t help but smile a bit at her. She was hard to figure out and understand sometimes, but this was different. Was she embarrassed?

“Do what? I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said without even looking at him.

The man had never seen her act this way. He found it funny honestly. (y/n) had never been afraid or reluctant to do something. He guessed he had found her weak spot.

“Oh yes you do,” he said with a laugh, “you think wiping away the kiss is gonna change something? Cause I still want to kiss you again.”

She gulped at his words, “really?”

Levi had never seen her so flustered and red faced. She was an absolute mess of nerves right now and he loved it. He had no idea he could have this type of effect on her. She did everything with confidence and zero fear yet a simple kiss had her second guessing everything.

“Really,” he whispers, and this time she’s the one who’s stomach flips.

His lips reattached to hers and she melts at his touch. Lips move against one another softly and slowly, enough to make her head spin. Delicate fingers squeeze at her waist and she makes a slight noise at the feeling.

That’s when Levi grabs her hips and pulls her on top of him, and the once sweet kiss begins to intensify.

Kissing Levi was already becoming one of her favorite things to do, and they were just getting started.

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cerysdelaney · 2 years

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Hi.. hope you are doing good. I have been following you for a while, and I really like your writing. I hope to see more! But this is not really what I’m writing to you for.. I feel kind of embarrassed and I hope it’s ok to tell you this..

It’s just that, I’m really in a dilemma with myself, sexually.. you see, I’m a 24 year old woman and still a virgin. But obviously being an adult person with hormones, I get pretty horny sometimes. But I hate it! Not because I’m ashamed (I don’t have any religious baggage or bad sex Ed or bad experiences). No, because even with toys, getting myself of gets super boring and unsatisfying and kind of hard. It just feels like a chore sometimes. Because having zero experience, and no crushes or anything, I have nothing real to fantasies about. (I think I might be demisexual/romantic but that’s not super important). Porn doesn’t really do it for me. But stories like yours do! It’s just hard to keep finding new ones lol. But what really puts me in a dilemma is that it’s like they have to be more and more extreme. Like the dub con or non con, bdsm. Something scary, something I would never want in reality. And I’m just afraid that this will be the only thing that I can get off to. What if when I finally find someone I want to share myself with, that the normal sex, quickly becomes under stimulating? I know things like these are not bad to have as fantasies, an I’m sure the reason they appeal to me is because I’m inexperienced and insecure, so it appeals to me not to have to take action myself and not have responsibility for how I react. But I do feel kind of dirty for getting turned on by things like that. Especially since it’s the only things that can turn me on enough to get off. I try to think about/read stories/watch porn that are more “normal” more like a real relationship, and loving, but none of this works for me. Because for some reason this feels more unrealistic and hard to imagine, that being raped by a monster. What do I do? I don’t want to become addicted or only stimulated by this kind of stuff. I want to be able to tell my future partner of my fantasies and how I get off, without embarrassment. I don’t want to be dependent on fantasies like these every time I get horny and need to get off. It’s hard to find new ones, and often In my search I come across stories that are a little too extreme for me. I am never satisfied, and it takes up a lot of time…

Sexual fantasies are fluid, in my opinion.

Example: When my marriage was monogamous, I wrote all those stories you love so much. Full of non-con and non-con bdsm, they got darker, scarier, and more intense as I was reaching a breaking point I didn’t even want to recognize I was on the edge of…

And then he opened the marriage and the strings all got cut. I’ve been writing more stories with love, compassion, and consensual exchanges.

(And then I got on birth control and have written almost nothing in two months… forgive me. I just got off the pill a week ago and had my first sexual dream just a few days ago of my husband filling me inch by inch because I was so tight from not having sex… the writing is coming, I swear)

TLDR: like what you like right now and just allow yourself to enjoy it.

No reason to borrow trouble and worries from a possible future.

Once you meet someone that tickles your fancy, who knows where your mind will wonder and how they will inspire you? 😈

#anon ask #Cerys talks #fantasy vs reality #love what you love

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atlafan · 4 years

Text

The Real Him - One Shot

a/n: I’m not sure where this came from...a lot of this is sort of how I feel about writing, and reading, and how my brain works???? Hope you enjoy cause it’s fun! Book Writer!Harry x Y/N (not proofread)

Words: 9.6K

Warnings: Fluff, wee bit of angst, and smut

Books weren’t things Y/N found interesting. She hated reading the assigned books in high school for whatever English classes she had to take. She often would just read what she needed on Sparknotes, and that was enough. Then, in college, even if she wanted to read for leisure, she didn’t have the time. She had to read articles and academic journals constantly. By the time she was done for the day, the last thing she wanted to do was read.

Now, as a young adult living in the city, she noticed her anxiety was always worse at night. She lived alone in a little studio apartment, it had a wonderful view. She would watch TV or scroll on her phone until she fell asleep, but the screens were too much for her eyes. She knew it wasn’t good for her. Much to her friends’ shock, she texted them asking them for book recommendations. Y/N didn’t want to think too hard, she didn’t like scary stories, but she also liked a little bit of world building and romance. Fuck, if there was anything she loved, it was a good romance. Her friends told her about this young author they discovered whose stories were enthralling.

She took their word for it, and ordered one of his books off his website. He was self-published, which she found to be interesting. How good could he be if a major publication didn’t want him? She trusted her friends’ opinions though, so she went with it. He had this series called, The Unicorn in the Farmer’s Pool, that they raved about. She told herself she’d start with the first one and see how it goes. Sometimes Y/N had a hard time concentrating to even read a book, so she didn’t want to buy too many.

The title of the book itself was odd, but when she read the description she understood. Apparently, it was about this young woman, new to town, who was going for a walk with her younger sister, and one day they come across this beautiful old home and large farm. There was a pool in the back with one of those big unicorn floats, which they both found odd. They see the farmer outside, and the woman inquires about it. He explains that it’s his daughter’s. He and his wife were divorced, and she moved out to the city. Unfortunately, she passed away, so his little girl came home to live with him.

It was a certified slow burn, so when it came in the mail, Y/N couldn’t wait to get her hands on it. There was only one picture of the author, Harry Styles, on his website. The book, however, had a lovely picture of him on it. He even named his publication company after himself, trademarking HES Books. He was handsome, there was no denying that.

“Alright, let’s see how well this guy knows how to write thing from the perspective of a woman.” She says as she settles into her bed with the book.

For the first time in a long time, Y/N found a book that she just couldn’t put down. Sure, she passed out with it on her chest, but she’d get right back to it the next night. She was ripping through it. Her heart would race anytime the farmer and the woman had a scene together. She cried when he spoke about his divorce, and how he never slept knowing his daughter was so far away. He’d never wish his ex-wife ill, but he felt like it was fate to have his daughter home. He’d give her anything she wanted, even a giant unicorn float for the pool. Something she couldn’t have in the city. His daughter would paint his nails glittery colors, and he didn’t give a shit what anyone else thought of it. Y/N could feel her heart pounding as the woman slowly fell for him. They became fast friends but it was clear they wanted more, but they were both so scared.

“Oh, you son of a bitch.” She says to herself when she gets to the end of the book, it was a cliffhanger. They hadn’t even gotten together yet. They were caught in a rain storm, about to kiss, but they were interrupted. “Goddammit.” She groans and grabs her laptop to buy the rest of the series. “Welp, Mr. Styles, you now own my ass, I hope you’re happy.” She sticks her tongue out at his picture on his website.

By the time she finished the third book, she was inconsolable. It thrilling, but she knew it couldn’t be the end for the two who were now so in love with each other. She also couldn’t believe how well written their love scenes were, a little shocked there was a small dash of smut. She looked on his website and saw he was set to release the fourth and final book of the series soon, and there would be a big release for it. He would do a reading and signing. Y/N texted her friends and they all agreed they needed to go. They still couldn’t believe how much Y/N liked the series. It consumed her soul, she couldn’t get enough. She even bought his other standalone novels to read until the release.

Eliza: hey! HES just released the first book on audio, and he narrates it! Should hold us over until the release ;)

Y/N: holy fucking shit! Literally about to go download it, thanks!!!

Now this was a way to fall asleep, she thought. She plugged her earbuds into her phone, turned her light off, and hit play. She gasps the second she hears his voice.

“He’s British?!” She says to herself. “Dear god.”

His voice was deep and sultry, and sounded incredibly crisp through the audio. Each night for the rest of that week, she fell asleep to the sound of Harry’s voice; it was euphoric. She felt sort of weird for becoming as big of a fan of him that she was. It was like she was in high school again having a crush on some unattainable celebrity. She couldn’t even talk about him to anyone at work. It was like this big secret between her and her friends. Instead of listening to music in her office, she started listening to interviews or podcasts he was involved in. Anything to just get a better understanding for who he was or how his mind worked. She found that he was incredibly private, only tweeting or posting on Instagram from promotional purposes. A PR person most likely running the sites for him.

“Okay, I think I’m obsessed with him, like, it’s bad.” She tells her friends at brunch one Saturday morning. They would all try their best to get together a couple times a month.

“Welcome to the dark side.” Eliza says.

“I knew if we didn’t push you that you’d come around at some point to ask us for a book rec.” Melinda says.

“You could have just showed me his picture, he’s so handsome! I can’t wait to go to the signing. I wonder what type of suit he’ll wear. Maybe all black?”

“I heard he’s into florals lately.” Eliza says. “I’m glad we got our tickets when we did, it’s going to be packed.”

“Yeah, like, at least we’ll have seats for the reading.” Melinda says.

“I can’t believe we’re going to hear his voice in person. That audio book? Oh my god.” She pretends to fan herself. “I’ve been enjoying his other novels too. He has such a way with words, I can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed a book this much. Maybe The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?” She chuckles.

“Didn’t you read that in high school?!” Eliza laughs.

“Yeah!” Y/N laughs, and Melinda joins in. “I fucking hate reading. I wonder if he’ll ever sell the rights and have it turned into a movie or TV series.”

“People have been begging him. He said maybe once the fourth book has been out for a bit. He didn’t want to feel pressured, like, you know how with Game of Thrones the books didn’t come out fast enough for the series?” Melinda says.

“Oh yeah, that makes sense. I think a TV show would be good. Then they could take their time with it. The only thing is I can’t picture someone playing the farmer other than him.” Y/N sighs.

“Agreed.” Eliza says. “I can really only see him.”

“So, how are we dressing for the signing? I don’t wanna look desperate by dressing up too much.” Melinda says.

“Melinda…” Y/N starts chuckling. “You have a girlfriend.”

“I’m aware.” She swats a hand at Y/N. “But damn, Harry is too fine.”

Y/N curls the ends of her hair on the day of the signing. It was finally here, and she couldn’t be more excited. She found a cute yellow top to wear with some high waist jeans. She does some simple makeup, but makes sure to have her eyes pop. The rules were that people could only bring one book with them, so she grabs the first in the Unicorn series. She fully intended to buy the new book as well, and they said he would sign all new purchases too.

She meets Melinda and Eliza outside the bookstore where it would all be happening. They get in line to buy their new books, and head to their seats. They were able to snag tickets for the second row. He would be reading the first few chapters of the first book, and then would spend the rest of the time signing books.

“I’m so excited.” Y/N whispers to both of her friends.

A man comes out shortly to check the crowd of people waiting, and soon it’s announced that Harry would be coming out. Everyone stands up and claps for him. He was wearing a sleek black suit, and his hair was pushed back off his face. He looked bashful as he smiled out to everyone, and stood at the podium provided. Everyone sits back down as he clears his throat.

“Thank you all so much for being here. Whether you’re a new fan or if you’ve been with me for years, I appreciate your support. It feels surreal for this series to be over. I’ve loved these characters so much, and when I finished the final edits, it felt weird saying goodbye. I also want to say thanks for all the support with the first audio book. I fully intend to do one for the rest, it just takes a lot of time and editing, so hold tight for me, alright?” The crowd giggles, and his dimple grows deeper. He takes a sip of the water provided, and opens the book. “Let’s get started shall we?” He looks up at the audience who was waiting patiently. He makes eye contact with Y/N. It’s brief, but he looked at her…or at least she told herself he did.

His voice was just as smooth in person as it was on the audio. Y/N was swooning, barely paying attention to the words, but more so watching the way his lips moved. The way he’d lick his lips after getting a sip of water, and watching his Adam’s apple bob up and down. It all felt like a dream. He ended up reading five chapters instead of three, as a treat, until his manager came out to remind him to wrap it up.

“Right, well, I’ve been told I’m done speaking.” He chuckles. “I just need about ten minutes and I’ll be able to sign all your books. Thanks so much!”

He leaves as everyone claps for him again. Everyone gets in line and waits for him to return. There was a table waiting for him to sit at and a ton of markers.

“I wonder how long we’ll get with him. Like, a minute, right?” Eliza asks.

“Make every second count.” Y/N says.

“I’m gonna try to take a selfie.” Melinda says. “Then I’ll really remember it forever.”

As the girls got closer to the front of the line, Y/N felt herself getting nervous, and her palms were starting to sweat. She tries to wipe them on her jeans before she gets to him.

“Hello, love.” He smiles at her. “Whatcha bring f’me?”

“Huh?” She was so taken aback.

“Well, I know you didn’t come here to have me sign a body part…unless you did.” He shrugs. “Although, I don’t think my manager would appreciate that.” He winks at her and it makes her giggle.

“I have the first back, and the newest one.” She hands them both to him. “I have to say, I’m not really a big reader, but this really drew me in. I think I’ve fallen in love with reading for the first time in my life.”

“That’s like…I mean…wow, what a compliment, thanks.” He signs both of the books. “What’s your name?”

“Y/N.”

“Y/N.” He repeats as he continues to leave a nice note in both of her books. “You know pictures aren’t allowed, but if you turn around and happen to take a selfie they can’t stop you.” He points to the few guards.

Y/N turns around and takes a selfie with Harry. She turns back around and chuckles as she takes her books back.

“Thank you so much. I can’t wait for the next audio books.”

“You liked the first one?”

“Loved it.”

“So, it wasn’t weird listening to me for that long?”

“Not at all…” She starts blushing. “Your voice is sort of, um, soothing…I have a lot of anxiety at night, and, well, reading, and evening listening has helped me sleep a lot better. So, thanks again.” She smiles at him and he smiles back.

He wished he could hug her. He looks back at his manager, who just sighs at him and nods. Harry stands up from the table and walks around. Before she knew it, his arms were being wrapped around her. She got a whiff of his cologne, and she swore it was her new favorite smell in the world. She barely got a chance to put her hands on him before his manager said it was enough and Harry needed to get back to it.

“Sorry, that was just so endearing.” He lets go of her and sits back down. “Thanks for your support.”

Y/N steps aside and looks at her friends who were waiting for her to finish up. She looks back at Harry who was already talking to the next person. She sighs, knowing she was long forgotten already.

“Oh my god, I took a picture of him hugging you.” Eliza says. “What was it like? All he did was shake my hand.”

“He smelled so good.” Y/N whines. “Girls, let’s go out for drinks tonight. I need to get some energy out.”

“Great idea! We can drink and then dance the night away.” Melinda says. “What did he write in your books?”

“I don’t wanna look yet, I wanna save it.” Y/N smiles and holds her books close to her.

After grabbing dinner and dropping their books off at Y/N’s place, they all head to their favorite dance bar. They all get their drinks and stand near the bar to drink them. Y/N was happily sucking on her straw, swaying along to the fast beat of the music.

“Look, they actually roped off the VIP section.” Eliza points out. Y/N and Melinda turn to look.

“I wonder who’s here. Once in a while someone cool shows up.” Melinda says.

The group in the VIP section erupts into laughter, and the girls’ eyes grow wide. Harry was standing up from the booth, looking much more casual. He still had his dress pants and button up on, but his sleeves were pushed up, revealing his tattoos. He strides up to the bar as he shakes his head back at his friends. He brushes right by the girls, bumping into Y/N, causing her to spill her drink.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, love.” He says to her, and then he looks her up and down. “Do I know you?” He slurs slightly.

“Um…we…we met earlier today. You signed my books.”

“I signed your what?!” The music was really loud, he must have thought she said something else.

“Books, books!” She really enunciates the k sound.

“Oh!” He bursts out laughing, and puts a hand on her shoulder. “I was gonna say, that sorta thing isn’t really my style. What are you drinking, I’ll get you a new one.”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. There’s still plenty in here.”

“Don’t be silly, I feel terrible. In fact,” He looks at Melinda and Eliza, and then to the bar tender. “Their next round’s on me. I also need another bottle of Patron for my table.”

“Coming right up!”

“Lost a bet with ‘em.” He rolls his eyes. “So the next bottle’s on me.” He shrugs.

“We’ll bring it over to you.” The bar tender says as she puts up three new drinks for you and your friends.

“You really didn’t have to do that.”

“S’the least I can do. Your support is the only reason why I can afford what I have. I should buy your drinks all night.” He smirks.

“Y/N.” Melinds grabs her shoulders and whispers in her ear. “Go for it, bitch, go for it. He’s hitting on you. We’ll be over there.”

She lets Y/N go and drags Eliza with her over to another part of the bar. Y/N grabs her drink and smiles at Harry.

“Your name’s Y/N, right?”

“You must have seen hundreds of people today, how’d you remember?”

“I’m really good with names.” He grins. “Do you want to join me and my friends?”

“What?!”

“Come on, seems like your friends are busy anyways.” He nods over to Melinda and Eliza where Melinda was working as a wing-man for Eliza. “They’re bringing over the Patron, you’ll love it.” He grabs her wrist and brings her over. One of the body guards raises his eyebrows. “I’m baacckk, let us in Mike.” Mike lifts the rope up and lets Harry and Y/N in. “Everyone this is Y/N, she’s got to be one of my biggest fans, so she’s joining us.” He pulls her down into the booth with him and puts his arm around her shoulders.

He was drunk, this was very clear. No one seemed bothered by her presence. Everyone was just happy to have refills for their drinks. Harry takes a shot of the Patron along with everyone else as Y/N sips on her drink. She felt bad, Eliza had to be a bigger fan of Harry, or at least she had been a fan longer…

“So, how’d you know he’d be here?” Harry’s manager, Jeff, asks.

“I didn’t.” She blushes. “My friends and I come here all the time.”

“Right, like we haven’t heard that one before.” Jeff smirks. “Some of you fangirls-“

“Oi! Don’t make fun, she’s cool.” Harry defends her.

“I can prove I’ve been here plenty of times.” Y/N takes her phone out and shows them her Facebook page. “There, you can see how many times I’ve checked in here. I only live a block away, so this tends to be the spot.”

“See, Jess, this is the spot.” Harry smirks, and knocks back another shot. “We’re being rude, here.” He slides a shot over to her. “Have as much as you like.”

“That’s okay, I have this.” She points to her glass.

“Oh, I knew I liked you, you’re so nice.” He pulls her a little closer to him. “But really, if you want any, you can have as much as you want, okay?”

“Thanks.”

Y/N sort of just sits there and tries to listen as each person talks, but the music was so loud, and she was itching to dance, especially now that she had a couple of drinks in her. She was drumming her fingers mindlessly on the table.

“Do you want to dance?” He whispers in her ear. A shiver goes up her spine. She looks up at him and nods. “Alright, let’s hit it then.”

She gets out of the booth and he quickly follows her out to the dance floor. At first it’s just light and playful, he keeps one hand in hers, but keeps a respectable distance. If Y/N was dancing with her friends right now she’d probably be popping her ass no problem. She sort of wished they were still around. She couldn’t remember the last time she danced with a guy. She looks at him and feels a little bold, so she hooks an arm around his neck and dances close to him. His hands move to her hips as she essentially grinds on his thigh. When the next song starts, she turns around to grind her ass against his pelvis. He presses forward against her and she can tell he’s very happy to be dancing with her.

“You said your place was only a block away?” He says into her ear, and she nods. “Wanna head there?”

She stops dancing and turns around to face him.

“Are you serious?” She raises an eyebrow at him.

“Sorry, too forward?”

“No…I just…um…yeah, let’s go back to mine.”

He smiles and throws his arm around her shoulders. He looks over at Jeff who was still sitting with their friends. He waves off to him, and heads out side with Y/N. Harry whistles for a cab, and one pulls up almost right away. They both get into the backseat, and Y/N gives the driver her address. Harry rubs circles into her shoulder. She rests her hand on his knee, as her leg shakes with nerves.

“You alright, love?”

“Mhm, yeah.” She doesn’t look at him.

“No need to be nervous, babe, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

She looks up at him now and smiles. She wanted to do everything with him. It was like every fantasy she had was coming to life. She had dreams about this, but never thought it would come true. The cab pulls up in front of Y/N’s building and they both get out of the cab. She keys into the front door and she leads him to the elevator.

“I’m surprised you’re not exhausted, must be draining to meet so many people.”

“Caught a second wind.” He winks at her. She giggles as they get off at her floor.

She leads him inside as she flips the lights on.

“It’s just a studio.”

“It’s nice, just enough space. You’ve got a great view.” He says as he walks over to the window.

“Yeah, I got really lucky.”

“Mind if I pull the curtains?”

“Not at all.”

She watches the muscles in his back flex as he reaches to pull the curtains closed. He turns to face her and walks over to where she is. He cups one of her cheeks and she leans into his touch.

“I have to be honest, I don’t usually do this.” He says.

“Do what? Hook up with a girl from a bar?” She smirks.

“No, hook up with a fan…” He sighs. “But what you said to me earlier about your anxiety and how my books have helped you, it stuck with me all day. I’m really glad I ran back into you. I got kinda nervous when you didn’t message me.”

“What? Why would I have?”

“I wrote my number in your book.” He lets go of her and steps back. “You didn’t read my notes?”

“No, I…I was saving them for when I was feeling down.” She admits, a little embarrassed. “Why did you put your number in it?”

“In case you ever needed someone to talk to…if you ever got sick of listening to the same story over and over. It was a little impulsive, but no one’s ever said anything like that to me before.”

“I’m surprised by that.”

“Usually people just tell me that they enjoyed it, or they try to flirt or something. It’s usually pretty hollow.” He shrugs. “But you…” He takes her hands in his. “Well…if you noticed, I didn’t really hug anyone else.”

“I did notice. You made me feel really special, Harry.”

“I’d like to keep making you feel that way…”

He releases her hands, and she wraps her arms around his neck. Her hands slide up through his curls, and she gets up on her tip toes while his arms wrap around her waist, pulling her close. His lips brush over hers, and she pulls his face closer to hers to deepen the kiss. She smiles against his lips which makes him smile and pull back.

“What is it?”

“I just…I can’t believe this is happening…” She presses her hips closer to his.

“You’ve thought about this before, with me?”

She nods her head yes and he smirks.

“Is that weird?” She asks, cheeks heating up from embarrassment.

“Who am I to judge what helps someone fall asleep at night?” His voice was low now, eyes darker than they were moments before.

Maybe this wasn’t something either of them should be doing while inebriated. But from lack of better judgement they start kissing again. His hands slide down to cup her ass, and his large hands give her a squeeze. She groans into his mouth, giving him the perfect excuse to lick into her. Her tongue molds to his, and she starts pushing him to walk back towards her bed. He happily lets her lead the way.

The back of his calves hit the bed, and he almost loses his balance. He sits down and brings her with him so she’s straddling his lap. Lips only breaking for a moment to get some air until they’re on each other again. Her hands lace through his hair and he groans when she tugs on him. His lips move to her jaw and then to just under her ear. She gasps when she feels him suck on the tender skin. Her hips roll down over his, and he smirks against her. He licks over the spot he was sucking on, and goes back for more. She grinds herself against him, feeling his bulge press up against where she needs it most. His lips move back to hers so he can nip at her bottom lip before looking at her.

“You want this?” He asks.

“Wouldn’t have said yes to coming back here if I didn’t.”

“You could have changed your mind between the bar and now.” He tucks some loose strands of hair behind her hair. “I meant what I said earlier, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I want to, do you?”

“I certainly didn’t change my mind.”

She smiles and leans in to kiss him again before getting off him. She reaches behind him quickly to snag one of her throw pillows to put on the floor. She sits up on her knees before him and reaches for his for the button on his dress pants. She looks up at him as he widens his legs for her. He wasn’t expecting a blow job, but he wasn’t one to turn it down. She pops the button and undoes his zipper. She reaches into his pants and palms him through his boxers first. His palms were flat on the bed, his arms keeping him up, but he can’t help but let his head fall back from her touch.

“Harry, look at me.”

He immediately does as she says so he can make eye contact with her.

“Is this okay? Can I take it out?”

“Yeah, please.”

She smiles and tugs his pants and boxers down slightly, he lifts his hips up to help her. He unbuttons his shirt while his dick slaps up against his lower stomach. She gazes up at him. Once his shirt is off, she can’t help but look over all his tattoos.

“You’re so…pretty.” She chuckles.

“Not as pretty as you.” He runs his hands through her hair, giving her a little encouragement to get started.

She blushes as her eyes fall to his hard cock, tip swollen and ready to go. She licks her right hand and gives him a few pumps first. He grunts as he watches her. She licks a stripe up from his base to his tip before she wraps her lips around him. His eyes flutter closed for a second, but he didn’t want to miss anything so he does his best to keep his eyes open to watch her work on him. She already had small droplets of spit rolling down her chin. Sloppy, he thinks to himself and he smirks. She sinks a little further down on him, testing herself to see how much she can take. He thrusts up slightly to meet her halfway and she gags on him, needing to pop off for a moment.

“Sorry, been a while.” She mumbles, and gets back on him.

“No worries, doing great, love.”

He helps keep her hair back as she starts to bob up and down on him. Her warm mouth felt so fucking good around him. She swallows around him before really hollowing her cheeks to suck on him. Her mouth moves up to his tip so she can lick away at his slit. She wraps a hand around him to pump him as she does this.

“Baby, baby, hold on.” He pants, and moves her face away from him. She looks up at him with big, innocent eyes that were slightly watery now. “I’ll come if you keep doing that.” He sounded almost out of the breath. She nods and stands up. His hands grips her hips and then slide to the button on her own jeans. “You’re sure?”

“Yes.” She says, taking off her shirt. He looks up at her and kisses on her chest as he undoes her pants.

He yanks them down her legs. He smiles at her mismatched set of underwear. She had worn a white bra with her yellow shirt, and a simple pair of blue panties with her jeans.

“I didn’t think, um, I would be…it was a girl’s night, and-“

“Do you really think I care about your underwear not matching?” He raises an eyebrow at her as he smirks.

She smiles and rests her hands on his shoulders as he kisses on her lower tummy. He stands up to kick his pants away, and lets her get on the bed. She lays on her back, propping herself up with her elbows. He crawls onto the bed and settles between her legs. His lips find hers as he grinds himself against her covered center. She bites her bottom lip, just wanting her underwear gone. He reaches behind her to unhook her bra. After a few seconds of fumbling he gets it, and watches the bra loosen around her. She pushes it off her shoulders, and tosses it to the ground. His hands cup her full breasts immediately. He kneads them and tweaks her nipples. She grinds her hips up towards his as they continue to move against each other. He dips his head down to kiss on her chest, and he rolls a nipple between his teeth. He works his way down her body and slides her underwear down her legs, tossing them aside where he feels like. She parts her legs for him.

He dips his down and licks from her center to her clit. He does this slowly but with precision. Her hips buck up towards him, encouraging him to keep going, so he does. He licks all around her until his lips are around her throbbing clit. He nibbles and sucks and flicks his tongue while his fingers explore her folds. Her hands were in his hair. She kept thinking she was going to wake up. Any minute now she would snap out of her dream. She would pinch her eyes closed and expect to see the morning sun creeping through her windows, but not this time. When she opened her eyes there he was, head between her legs, lapping away at her. The clouds covering the moon and night sky. He had her whimpering and tugging at his hair. He wanted her to come, but not yet, just get her to the brink. She pouts at him when he lifts his head. He licks his lips and smiles at her.

“Got any rubbers?”

“Mhm, in the bathroom, I can-“

“I got it, just tell me where.”

“The box in the cabinet below the sink.”

He pecks her lips before going into her little bathroom. He smirked to himself wondering how he might shower the next morning. He was taller than the showerhead. He bends down to open up the cabinet and spots the box of condoms. It was opened, but not many were missing. Not the he was one to judge. Harry hooked up a lot. He grabs a couple, just in case they feel like getting frisky again later on, and heads back out. He rips the foil packet open and slides it on over his length. She bites her bottom lip in anticipation.

“Tell me something,” He starts as he gets back on the bed, between her legs, hovering over her body. “When you had me in your thoughts was it ever like this?”

He rubs his tip against her clit, getting her to moan out. He pushes into her entrance but doesn’t go much further until he gets his answer. His eyebrows were raised, looking at her.

“This is usually the part when I’d wake up.” She whispers. “Before anything good could really happen.” She cups his cheek and runs her thumb over his cheekbone. “Please.”

He kisses her as he pushes the rest of the way inside her. They both groan. She was so wet, even with the condom on, it still felt amazing. He was nice and snug inside her. He moves slowly at first to not hurt her. He hooks an arm under one of her legs to bring it up a little higher. He wanted to get in as deep as possible. She clutches at his shoulders as he drives it in.

“Oh my god.” She gasps as his tip brushes her g-spot. “Jesus Christ.” She grits her teeth.

“Ever had anyone like this before?” He says into her ear.

“Never this deep, shit.”

He sits up and puts both of her legs over his shoulders. His fingers press bruises into her thighs as he holds onto her. She looks up at him as her mouth falls open. He was ramming into her and it felt so good to fuck like this. She didn’t want to be treated delicately. What he was doing was amazing, but her clit was missing the friction, so her hand slides down to rub at it.

“Fuck.” He breathes as he watches her touch herself. He lets go of one of her thighs and moves her hand aside so he can rub it for her. Her head rolls back the second she feels his thumb on her.

“Just like that.” She pants. “Don’t stop.”

He grunts his response as he continues to fuck her. He could feel her tightening around his cock and he knew she was close. He rubs her a little faster, and watches as her body contorts under his.

“Let go, come on, show me how you do it, Y/N.”

That pushes her over the edge. She cries out as she comes around him. He rubs her still, but slows his pace to help her through it. She tightens around him again as she comes down from her bliss. He drops her legs and pulls out. He sits up against her headboard and pulls her into his lap. He doesn’t have her face him, though, he has her sit on him facing away. Her head rolls back against his shoulder once she sinks down on him. She uses her knees to push herself up and down on his cock. He bites down on her shoulder, licks up to just under her ear to suck on the tender skin again. His hands find her bouncing breasts, and he kneads them.

“Harry.” She groans.

“Feels good, love?”

“So good.” She turns her head and sticks her tongue out slightly so he’ll kiss her. His tongue meets hers and they practically slobber all over each other as her pace quickens on him.

His hands slide down to her hips to help her. He thrusts up into her to get into a rhythm. He could feel his orgasm bubbling at the base of his spine.

“Fuck, oh my god.” He moans, which makes her moan. She tightens around him. He wanted her to come again, to come with him, so he rubs her clit while she continues to bounce him.

“Shit, fuck, Harry!”

They come at the same time, both of them crying out form the intensity. He gives her a second to catch her breath before he lifts her off of him. She gets up and quickly walks to the bathroom to clean herself up. He goes in after her to rid himself of the condom. She was about to throw on a t-shirt when he comes back out.

“Don’t bother.” He smirks.

“What do you mean?”

“It’ll just come off again.”

“Oh.” She blushes and puts it back into her dresser.

He gets on the bed with her and pulls her close to his chest. His fingers run up and down her back lightly, causing goosebumps to raise on her skin. She rests one of her legs on top of his, and wraps her arm around his torso. She wasn’t sure if she’d have the energy to fuck him again so soon, especially when the rhythm of his heart beat was lulling her to sleep. Her eyes flutter closed. He looks down at her and smiles when he sees her lips parted. He kisses the top of her head, and slowly falls asleep himself.

The next morning, Y/N wakes up cozy, head stuffed into her pillow, blankets wrapped around her. It was darker than usual. Her eyes flutter open and see the rain falling down. She hears it tapping delicately against her windows. It was a normal Sunday morning, or it would have been if she hadn’t completely forgotten there was a warm body wrapped around her. She rolls over slowly not to disturb the stranger. She gasps to herself when she sees it really is Harry Styles, not just some guy that looked like him. She really took him home with her and she really fucked him. He pulls her closer to her and she sighs.

“Your bed’s comfy.” He mutters.

“Thanks, I’ve got one of those foam pads under the sheets. Makes a world of difference.”

She feels his chest rumble as he chuckles. She feels him press a soft kiss to her forehead before pulling away slightly.

“Mind if I grab a shower?”

“Not at all.” She smiles up at him. “If you don’t mind smelling like my fruity shampoo, that is.”

“You’re funny.” He chuckles again and stretches as he sits up. He rubs his eyes, and gets out of the bed. Y/N couldn’t help but ogle his naked body as he walks away. He pops his head out of the door frame to look at her. “Are you coming?”

“Oh…you wanted me to-“

“Obviously.” He scoffs. “Wouldn’t mind fucking you again, either.”

Normally she’d wrap herself in a blanket, but if he was going to be bold, then so was she. So she gets out of bed and struts over towards him. She brushes her teeth quickly as he uses some mouth wash. She gets the water in the shower going.

“Does that head detach? I don’t know if I can crouch for that long.” He laughs.

“Yeah, it comes right off, don’t worry.” She pulls back the curtain and they both get in.

She helps him wash up, scrubs her nails over his head as she washes out the shampoo, and once they’re both clean, he hoists her up against the wall, and kisses her. She was plenty wet for him, and he smiles against her as he slips a finger inside her.

“You were ready f’me, hm?”

“Guess so.” She nips at his bottom lip, which delights him.

“Mind if I just slip it in like this and pull out after?”

“That’s fine.” She smiles. “Wouldn’t mind actually being able to feel you.”

“Christ.” He groans, and then pushes his hard cock inside her. Her head rolls back against the tile as his lips attack to her throat.

It was a nice, passionate morning fuck. When they’re done she gets him a towel, and wraps one around herself. He watches as she runs around to make her bed back up. It was a small apartment, so any clutter just made it look even smaller. He grabs his phone out of his pants pocket, and sighs.

“Alright?” She asks, sitting on the edge of her bed. He comes to sit down next to her.

“Yeah, just a ton of missed calls and texts. Thought I made it pretty clear to Jeff I wouldn’t be coming back to the hotel last night.”

“Do you have a plane to catch or anything?”

“Not today, tomorrow though.”

She watches as he types away to respond to the dozen or so texts he had form various people.

“Would you like any coffee or anything? Juice?”

“Just a black coffee would be perfect if it’s not too much trouble, love.”

“Coming right up.”

His eyes flicker up to watch her bum and hips sway as she walks into the kitchen area. She fills up her Keurig to get his coffee going.

“No cream or sugar, just black?”

“Please.” He smiles. “Thanks.”

She nods and gets a mug down from her cabinet to place under the machine. She thinks he’s talking to her for a moment, but when she looks over she can see he’s on the phone.

“I’m not sure when I’ll be back. I’m well aware, thanks.” He sighs and shakes his head. “I’m allowed to go out and have some fun.” He crosses a leg over the other so he can rest his elbow on his thigh, propping his chin up with his palm. “She’s making me a cup of coffee, is that alright? No, I don’t just carry those in my back pocket…” He rolls his eyes. “I’ll take care of it. Alright, bye.”

She comes over to him with a mug for him, and one for herself. She added a bit of cream to hers. She just couldn’t do black coffee.

“Thank you so much, feel like I’m about to get a headache.” He says, taking the mug from her, smacking his lips after he takes a sip.

“I have some aspirin if you need some.”

“Caffeine should work just fine, but thank you.”

“So, uh, not that I was listening in or anything, just, small space and all, but what don’t you carry around in your back pocket?”

“Oh.” He chuckles. “An NDA, that’s all. Jeff’s gonna email one over to me any second I’m sure.”

“What do you need an NDA for?”

“It’s not for me, it’s for you.” She looks at him deeply confused. “I’m a very private person, and not that I think you’re the type to go around spouting your business, it’s just, well, you’re a fan and…”

“You need me to sign an NDA so I won’t tell anyone we fucked?”

“Basically, yeah. Sorry if that makes things a little awkward. It’s just to keep my personal life personal, that’s all.” He takes another sip of the coffee. “This is really good, what brand is this?”

“Green Mountain Coffee…it comes from Vermont.”

“It’s delicious, I’ll have to look into it.” He smiles, although she can tell she’s starting to feel uneasy. She’s painfully aware that this was just a drunk hookup, a one night stand. “Are you alright?” He puts a hand on her knee.

“M’fine, just a bit groggy.” She sips her own coffee.

“Well, I’m starved, you’ve gotta be too, right? What a good place to grab some breakfast around here?” He stands up and starts looking for his clothes.

“Um…there’s a place right down the street.”

“We’ll have to take a cab unless you have a really big umbrella.” He smirks as he pulls his boxers on.

“Do I have to sign an agreement saying I won’t talk about breakfast too, or?”

Harry sighs as he pulls his pants on. She looks at him as she sips her coffee.

“Guess I’ll find out when I read the fine print.” She stands up and walks back over to her kitchen area. He follows her there with his mug and sticks it in the sink.

“Why is it such a big deal?”

“It’s not, I just…I mean…what do you think I’m going to do? Go onto a blog and spill every detail about last night? As if I could remember every little thing.” She scoffs and rinses out her mug.

“You easily could. You have to understand, sometimes when stories slip or people feel like they know things about you, it’s harder to get deals or make business decisions. I want to be taken seriously, so I don’t post personal things on social media, and I have the people I hook up with sign NDA’s.”

“Well, maybe I should have you sign one for me then.” She says, crossing her arms. He raises an eyebrow at her. “How do I know our night together won’t be inspiration for your next love scenes? You’re quite descriptive in your works. You must take from real life when you’re writing those things.”

“I’ll tell you what, I’ll text Jeff and have him email me two, one for each of us. I won’t talk about you and you won’t talk about me. Now, can we please go get some breakfast?”

“Why do you even want to go anywhere with me if you’re so scared of people finding out?” She walks over to her dresser to pick out an outfit she wouldn’t mind getting wet in the rain.

“It’s one thing to be seen with someone at a diner, it’s another to have what you’re like in the bedroom aired out to millions of people.”

“It’ll be obvious we slept together. My neck is littered with kiss marks.” She taps over one of the spots. He watches as she wriggles a pair of panties up her legs, and then a pair of jeans. “You’re also wearing your clothes from last night.” She tosses him his button up.

“I don’t suppose you have a large t-shirt I could throw on?”

“I’m sure I could find one.” She find a bra and t-shirt of her own, and then rummages through her pajama drawer for one of her larger bed shirts. “Here.” She hands him the shirt. He puts it on and looks down at it.

“Cute.” He smiles. “You can keep mine, and I’ll keep this one, how’s that sound?”

“Guess I’m just glad that’s not my favorite one.” She grabs her raincoat and umbrella. She furrows her brows and then remembers where her rubber boots on. “Could you order an uber or something?”

“Sure.”

They get down to the street, and head into the car he ordered. The diner was busy when they got there, but since it was just the two of them, they didn’t have to wait long to be seated. Harry’s phone pings with the email from Jeff.

“So…I just need to digitally sign it?”

“Mhm.” He hands his phone over to her so she can read over everything. He rests his chin on his palm. “Don’t think I’ve ever seen someone read over it so diligently before.”

“I’m a lawyer.” She mumbles.

“No shit.” He sits up, suddenly even more intrigued with her. “Good for you.”

“Well, I’m in law school, and I work as a para at a law firm, but I’m getting there.” She says as she uses her finger to sign her life away. “I’d like to read the one he sent to you for me.”

“Just swipe to the next email.”

She nods and looks it over. It was the same as her. She hands him back his phone and watches him sign it.

“I’d like both copies emailed over to me.”

“Alright, what’s your email?”

“I’ll put it in.” She takes his phone back and puts her information in, sending herself the copies. “There.” She crosses her arms. “Happy?”

“Yes, actually.”

A waitress comes over to them, and they both order scrambled eggs with bacon, potatoes, and toast. It’s quiet between them for a few moments. She looks out the window to watch the rain fall, and then looks back at him. He was twiddling his thumbs in his lap.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?” He looks up at her.

“What am I doing here with you? You could have easily slipped out this morning, even last night…”

“I’m not that kind of guy.”

“So…what is this, a consolation before we never see each other again?”

“No.”

“Then what is this?! I feel like I’m not even looking at a real person. I’ve wanted to meet you for so long, and I would have killed for the opportunity to sit down and have breakfast with you. I have so many questions about your work, and-“

“So, ask me.”

“What?”

“Ask me all your questions. What can I answer that I haven’t already in an interview? You wanna know my thought process? Where and what I get inspired by? How long it takes me to write a book, a chapter even? I only have bullshit answers, to be honest. I keep notes on my phone for when I get inspired, and then when I’m able to be at my computer I’ll type for hours without stopping. It’s like I blackout or something. It feels like I didn’t even take a second to blink. I’ll work on multiple projects at the same time too. I have three other books I’m currently working, all with completely different topics and characters. I can’t shut my brain off, ever. I don’t know why I’m like this. Even when I go on a vacation to unplug, I have to keep a notebook with me to write things down. I started writing because I just needed to get everything out of my head. I feel a huge sense of relief when I’m done with a piece so I can just move on from it. I had to start my own publication because my content was going to be put in the same category as Fifty Shades, and I didn’t want that. Luckily, Jeff went to school for PR, and he helped me out, and now he’s my manager. He’s the best there is, but sometimes it would be nice to fuck a pretty girl and take her to breakfast without having to worry about every little thing.”

Before Y/N can respond their food is brought over. They both thank the waitress. She picks her for up and plays with her potatoes before looking at him.

“Not to mention, said pretty girl told me how much my work means to her, how it helps her sleep at night. Fuck, I mean, I thought I was going to melt into a fucking puddle right there. My anxiety gets bad at night too, I knew exactly where you were coming from, babe. I can’t tell you how many nights I try to go to sleep and can’t, so I just get up and go back to my computer until I pass out in my chair.” He blinks at her, as she still says nothing. “Are you…not going to say anything?”

“I’m not sure what to say, I’m trying to take in everything you said and match it to the person you were yesterday at that signing. It’s an act, right? Your cool demeanor?”

“I have a stage presence for sure.” He sighs, and takes a bite of his bacon. “What am I gonna do, get up there and tell everyone that the fourth book took so long because I had to have surgery for carpal tunnel?”

“For someone who likes to be so private, you’re sure telling me a lot of personal things.”

“You signed something saying you wouldn’t discuss any of this, so I feel a little freer to explain myself. Have I totally ruined your perception of me? Is this a never meet your hero sort of moment?”

“Not at all.” She smiles. “You seem comfortable with me, which is nice. I like that I’m seeing this side of you, you’re more than just the suave guy I’ve seen in interviews, or listening to on podcasts. You’re a person, just like me.”

“Exactly, so you understand why I might want some privacy.”

“I do.” She nods and finally takes a bite of her food. “I’m sorry if I got a little pissy about it.”

“Don’t be, it’s always an awkward conversation to have.”

“So, how many women do you hook up with exactly? You’re making yourself sound like a player.” She chuckles.

“I mean…I’m a guy who has needs. I’m not gonna lie, I probably do it a little too much, but I don’t usually spend this much time with the person, or if I do…well…it’s not usually like this.”

“Why?”

“I wanted to actually have a conversation with you.” He shrugs. “You peaked my interest.”

“Clearly.” She smirks.

“At least I’ve never rubbed one out to the thought of a famous person.” He smirks back.

“Oh, I’m sorry, do you consider yourself famous?” She grins at him. “And I haven’t rubbed one out, it’s usually just a dream. Don’t flatter yourself, Harry.” She shakes her head.

“My bad, so I’ll just assume you get that wet for every guy you hook up with?”

Where was this conversation going, and why was it happening in such a public place? Was he trying to rile her up?

“I don’t think this is appropriate to talk about right now.” She whispers harshly.

He smirks and continues eating. They look at each other occasionally as they eat. The waitress comes over with the bill, and Harry throws some cash down on the table.

“Let me pay the tip at least.” She says, reaching for her purse.

“Don’t be silly, I put plenty down for the tip. I’ve got it.” He puts his hand over hers. “Seems like the rain’s stopped, wanna walk back?”

“Do you not need to be anywhere?”

“Nope.” He smiles. “Today’s my free day, isn’t that nice? I’ve got a plane to catch tomorrow morning, and that’s all I have to worry about. So, I’m more than happy to walk you back home.”

She nods and follows him out of the diner.

“So, do I only get your email, or do I get your number too?”

“Why, so you can hit me up whenever you’re in the city?”

“Precisely.” He nudges her as she laughs. “Come on, I gave you mine.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t even look…I would have been so embarrassed, you would have forgotten all about me. I don’t even know if I would have even had the courage to message you.”

“I wouldn’t have forgotten you.”

“Did you manager know you just gave your number out like that?”

“God no, he’d murder me.” Harry chuckles. “Jeff’s great, but he’s way too serious.”

“So, maybe I’ll message you sometime.”

“I prefer chatting on the phone, to be honest.”

“Why’s that?”

“Anyone can send a text, but a phone is, like, I don’t know, it’s romantic.”

“Romantic?”

“Yeah, like, a phone is something you really need to make time for.”

She pouts at him and looks at him with big eyes. They stop once they’re in front of her building.

“I come back to the city in two weeks, I really would like to see you again.”

“What are you coming back for?”

“Another signing. This one sold out, and I felt bad. I think anyone who wants to see me should.” He shrugs. “I wouldn’t have anything that I do if it weren’t for the people who supported me.”

“That’s sweet.” She smiles. “Okay, I guess we could see each other again.”

“Great, just make sure you call me, okay? Then I can call you, and we’ll just be two people calling each other sometimes.” He blushes.

“Why are you so romantic?” She laughs and wraps her arms around his waist.

“I wish I knew. It’s a blessing and a curse, I think.” He sighs and cups her cheeks. He leans in and kisses her, she happily kisses him back and pulls him closer.

“Do you, um, need to go back to your hotel now?”

“Not necessarily, what’d you have in mind?” He raises an eyebrow at her. She leans up and whispers in his ear, making his cheeks grow hotter. He looks at her, a little stunned. “I definitely have time for that.”

“I figured you would.” She winks at him and yanks him into her building.

She wasn’t ready to let go of him just yet. Everything still felt like a dream, only better. Even when Harry had to go off to his next signing, she slept better than she ever had. She called him late one night, much to his surprise, and they spoke for hours. She didn’t have to listen to the same words over and over to fall asleep, she had him, the real him.

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