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#before that there was the furnace. i KNEW is sounded wrong. but the damn expert didn't LISTEN to me
anyu-blue · 3 years
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I wonder if I should develop the emoji that would encompass how I feel most of the time...
#personal#random#ignore me#life in general#apparently you can do custom emojis in discord somehow so it's not a stretch#even if i don't know how to do it atm I'm sure i can learn#i want ine with like... severe eyebags lol#just... so tired...#there's not really a time that goes by that im not learning something... and I'm learning a lot about myself#one thing is... sure. my music taste night not be what most people like... and it's hard for me to see#why people don't like what i do... but at the same time i understand how i hear or see them#is a lot different than most people i know... and this leads into my newest mote of confidence...#I am NOT deaf.. and in fact.. i can and do pick up problems based on things even I don't understand#that I'm hearing.. i figured out a water heater busted based on something SOUNDING different#it was completely subconscious. but it led me to it and THEN it made sense when i saw it#before that there was the furnace. i KNEW is sounded wrong. but the damn expert didn't LISTEN to me#and what happened? IT FUCKING BROKE LIKE I SAID IT WOULD... 🤬#a few months ago i knew the car started sounding different and pushed tevs to get it in and REALLY looked at#told her i thought it was the transmission... GUESS WHO'S GD RIGHT AND DOESN'T KNOW#IF THE POOR CAR WILL /MAKE/ IT TO THURSDAY????!!!#... i know my hearing isn't grear. especially in my right ear from the damage all those ear infections#caused when i was little... but even if i can't quiiiite hear exactly thw problem... or realize i am...#i can hear the subtle changes that tells me something is wrong... it's not a gut feeling...#i hear something... maybe thats also why Lon freaked me out so much sometimes though I was supposed to be safe#doesn't matter now but SERIOUSLY... I'm.. so tired.. of people telling me im crazy when i tell them#Something sounds off.. or good... or bad... i hear things and process them differently...#it would be nice if people listened to me in return...#*insert eye bags emoji*
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panticwritten · 6 years
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In-Between Collection #1 Scene 5
My Problem
Table of contents!
All of my writing!
What are the In-Between Collections?
This one takes place right after I finished daydreaming Lockdown, when I was super focused on writing it rather than letting myself daydream further at all.
Word count: 1090
@asinwolves​ @ava-burton-writing @infinitelyblankpage @no-url-ideas-tho @marigoldwritesthings @jade-island-lives @ravenpuffwriter@breakeven2007 @spirit-wizard-nerd @steakfryday @alextriestowritestuff@cataclystr0phe  @papayawrites @perringwrites@davidvalencia323@fluffpiggy
Content warnings:
Manipulation?
Stated food insecurity
And that concludes the first In-Between Collection! Solitary will start coming up on July 27th at 7pm PST.
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May 16th, 2016
Jezebeth - The Demon
This movie isn’t what I was expecting.
I mean, it’s a doll. You see a doll in a movie labeled horror, and it’s supposed to be a ghost. It was supposed to be a ghost or a demon—I’m a demon, I’m an expert here.
Jokes on me, now I can’t move because The Human can’t process their fears on their own time.
“Well, now I know you aren’t them.”
The only use of the actual living doll/statue/??? in the room is to distract me from the fucking mess rattling The Collective’s shared focus. Kane lounges on the other side of the couch, and he doesn’t look ready to get up any time soon.
I level a gaze at the facade of ease he’s fronting. As far as I know, he’s been trailing behind The Human and the face of The Collective for a few weeks. He wants them back on payroll.
If not them, it sounds like any of us will do at this point.
Not wavering, I tighten my fist until the nails dig deep into my palm.
He winces at the cracks spiderwebbing from the grip I have on his neck. The cold concrete of his ‘skin’ is harder to break than I expected, but it obviously has its limits. The snap of a fissure running up the side of his face proves that, as does the overdramatic, pained sigh he releases.
Paying no mind to pressure on his throat, of course. You have to be alive to need to breathe.
“So, that’s a no. Or should I leave you on the ‘maybe’ list?”
He waves a hand in front of his chest and my hold on him slips away.
I automatically pause the movie and face him completely.
“You shouldn’t be able to do that.” It comes out like an accusation, and I guess it sort of is.
He shrugs, sharing a brief laugh—either with me or himself, I’m not sure. “I shouldn’t do a lot of things I do.”
That was temporal shit. Cube ‘magic.’ Messing with things just on virtue that it’s not real. It’s something The Collective specializes in. Something natural for the ones created here. Acceptance that all of this is fake is easy for us, we already knew that.
Kane’s old as fuck, probably strayed miles away from who he was before The Human stumbled into his character online, but he’s not from here. The list of outsiders that act completely at ease with not being real could fill pages of one of our journals.
The ones that take advantage of that could be counted on one hand.
“What do you want with The Human?” I ask. “What’s the job you want them for?”
He bares his teeth in a grin, and the instincts of the human body I’m sitting in diverge from my own again. Anger, or fear, something wrong pools in my chest, and I have to shake my head to keep from letting it muddy my thoughts.
It takes a second to break through the cognitive dissonance and catch up with what he’s saying.
“You know, this is kind of a long term gig. She can’t drop in for a day and call it good.” Either he doesn’t hear my growl or he doesn’t deem it worthy of a response. “We’ve got some slips asking for her specifically, and we aren’t in the business of turning down paying customers just because someone doesn’t wanna do the work.”
“They aren’t stable enough to add something like this to their plate.” I’m pleased at how amicable that comes out. “They’re a mess of tape and string as it is.”
He shakes his head and makes that same waving gesture, but I don’t feel anything accompanying it other than a tut.
“That kid’s stronger than any of you think. You’ll see what I mean pretty damn quick.”
—-
“Some friends.”
“Wh—”
Ink scratches across the page, breaking off an unfinished sentence and cutting through the lines above it. I sigh and close the journal, the heel of my hand already pressing into my eyes.
“They’re all telling me off, treating you like some glass figure on a pedestal. You might as well be on display in that cage of yours.”
“I’m really not in the mood today, Kane,” I murmur. “I can’t take this as endearing. Not right now.”
I push out of the chair, wincing at the chorus of popping joints.
“‘The Scientist’ says you’re too sentimental. The mystery girl calls you short-sighted. All of your little boyfriends want to save you, which is a joke. Even this demon thinks you’re just ‘a mess of tape and string.’”
And that’s Jezebeth’s voice, tacked on the end.
I stare at a blurred panel of wall, stationary with a steadying hand splayed on the desk. I know what he’s doing. He used to pull this shit all the time, told me I wasn’t up to snuff when he thought I might hesitate or resist a job.
Spite is easier than duty.
But he won’t find any of that here. I don’t have any reason to be loyal to the Scouts anymore. I’m not surprised that the others don’t think I’m capable of the kind of work they ask for. They weren’t there, not really, they just see the edges and the silhouette.
I’m not mad.
I’m just so tired.
I’m tired of being stuck in the Room for weeks at a time. I’m tired of everyone acting like I think I’m better than them—especially when I’m doing the clerical work they want to forget about. I’m tired of walking by the Breaking Furnace door. I’m tired of thinking about what Connor might be doing while the me in that universe gets worse and worse.
I’m tired of school. Of people, of my parents, of missing lunches, of not having food at home the two fucking days out of the week I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m tired of my head not shutting up.
I’m tired of being so fucking exhausted all the time.
Maybe I am a little mad.
It doesn’t look like Kane’s going anywhere anytime soon. He’s not going to let up, that’s never been in his repertoire. He’ll keep going until I take the job or someone else does.
I can’t let someone else do it. I know Kane. I can deal with him and the rest of the bureaucratic nonsense the Scouts bury everyone in.
This is my problem.
I sigh.
“I’ll take the job.”
“Excellent.”
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