#because we have those similar struggles and similar desires yk

[rottika]

"autistic people cant/dont like to form close relationships" is just straight up wrong. we struggle with it due to not understanding social norms and having trouble with empathy, but that doesnt mean its impossible, much less that we dont want to. its not contradictory and claiming it is is a big misunderstanding of autism.

in fact, dare i say autism actually worsens the symptoms of BPD? because, since you dont understand social cues, its even harder to know if youre being abandoned or not, and you grow up learning that everyone else has some sort of psychological understanding that you just dont, so youre just constantly wondering if theyre not telling you something.

not only is imagined abandonment much more of a concern, but real abandonment is, too, given most people are much more likely to be turned off by autistic people, due to either not understanding, or straight up being uncomfortable with the way we interact. of course, this is much less likely when your FP is autistic themself, especially if theyre particularly similar to you.

among other things like rejection sensitive dysphoria combining with fear of imagined abandonment, autism is not only not mutually exclusive with BPD, but can make a whole new level of problems when combined. sincerely, someone diagnosed with autism who is on psychiatric treatment for severely impacting BPD symptoms (but whose psychiatrist doesnt like diagnosing in general so bah)

Thank you for this ask! Strong agree!

I struggle a lot with forming close relationships (mostly because of lack of understanding of social cues and general social anxiety), but that doesn't mean I'm incapable or wholly uninterested in them. I have purposely distanced myself from human connection since COVID happened and it's been simultaneously relieving but also excruciating. I simultaneously desire close connections and intimacy, but I'm bad at forming them and (when I DO have them), I'm constantly worried that people will leave me.

It's hard for me to read facial expressions and body language and I tend to assume everyone secretly hates me and wants to leave me all the damn time. It's part of the reason why I was so fucking bad at taking compliments from people seriously and why being a public figure has been so difficult. I am always paranoid that everyone's just lying when they say nice things.

There's this cold, crippling satisfaction that I currently have about not having any irl connections at all (outside of my family). I don't have to panic about being left behind all the time, don't have to struggle through social interactions blindly while worrying they have something to say that they aren't saying, don't have to people-please, won't accidentally hurt people by being aggressive or impulsive. But it's also just very destitute in a sense, yk?

The combination of simultaneously hating people and being an introverted freak (convinced that everyone's out to get me in some type of way) while also wanting/needing people at the same time is a uniquely shitty experience!

Though I'm alone irl, I've had the same FP for like,,, multiple years now and that's been a relief to have him and also another close friend in my online life. They've made my life overall better. So, shout out to those homies. :]

#answered asks #vent #sorta??