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lubdubsworld · 3 years

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The Devil’s Own.

Jungkook x OC

Mafia Au!

Warnings : Non-Con ! Manipulation, Degradation, Shitty hero with no redeeming Qualities you have been warned. ( i mean he does get better but not much.)

Summary : Just Mob Boss Jungkook doing mob boss things.

Chapter 1

“ Sign it. ”

I glared at him, feeling sick at the tone. The entitlement.

“No.” I said sharply and I could feel his anger swelling, morphing into something dangerous and deadly but I couldn’t care anymore. I was tired. Exhausted. This cat and mouse game had gone on , long enough. It wasn’t an even playing field, in any sense of the qword.

If today was the day I died, so be it. I would accept it. I would even welcome it.

I was done.

He had everything : an empire at his beck and call , enough money to pave the streets of Seoul in gold and an army of loyal associates behind him. His face was plastered on Billboards across the country , the President posted pictures of him on his fucking SNS and delegates from other countries had to wait weeks , just to get an appointment with the youngest billionaire South Korea had ever seen.

And yet none of those white collared dignitaries saw this side of him. The dirty, violent ruthless man who had more blood on his hands than anyone else in the country. My father’s. My brothers’.

Jeon Jungkook was both the most revered business man in the country and the undisputed king of Seoul’s criminal underbelly.

“You defiance only makes me want to break you in other ways Elena.” He said warningly and I felt my throat go dry. I stared at him, wondering how someone could look so expensively gorgeous and yet, like a hardened criminal.

The expensive silk shirt, the fitted slacks and the handmade shoes ought to clash with the dark ink that covered his entire arm and neck, the piercing on his eyebrow and the glint of metal on his tongue but it didn’t.

It just all came together to make him the most attractive man in existence.

I took a deep breath. Perhaps begging was the way to go?

“ You have my father’s company. You have my brother’s Hospital and you have the family mansion. It’s all yours. This bakery belongs to my mother. It’s all I have left of her. My sister in law is pregnant , due any day. She needs a place to stay and I don’t… I don’t have money to rent anywhere else.” I said desperately, thinking of the paltry wage I earned waiting tables. I could barely afford food for myself let alone for Jisoo and the baby on the way.

The bakery was abandoned but it had a roof. The furniture was crumbling but I could fix that. If I didn’t have to worry about rent, I could save up enough to make it livable. At least till I got a better job.

“I’ve offered you solutions for all of that.” He reminded me softly, eyes trained unblinkingly on me and I stared at him.

“I’m not going to be your whore.” I felt my voice shake.

He grimaced.

“You aren’t qualified to be my whore. And I don’t need one either. Whores are not my thing. I have a beautiful fiancée, don’t you remember? ” He grinned. I felt my heart ache because that fiancée was once my best friend. The only person I had trusted with my entire life. Lisa had betrayed my trust, had spied on my father’s operations and brought him down and I had the horrible, horrible inkling that she had also had something to do with my father and brother’s untimely death in a car crash.

But I couldn’t think about that. Every time I thought about her my heart broke and head spun, and I had to be at my maximum mental capacity if I was going to deal with her heartless fiancée.

“ If you ask me, you’re not fit for anything more than a back alley blowjob for a couple bucks. But Hoseok thinks you have potential. Join his agency, there are a lot of very wealthy men who have a bone to pick with your father. He made a shit ton of enemies. Most of them would love to fuck the defiance out of you. ”

His words felt like worms crawling all over my skin and I could feel the nausea churn inside me.

“I’m not signing the bakery over. You can call the creditors. I still have another year and half to pay the one remaining loan and they won’t come for me till then.” I felt my head begin to throb and Jungkook sighed.

“Suit yourself.” He stood up and I stayed still, watching his tall frame tower over me with ease. He gave me a small bitter smile. It was fraught with hatred and I stared back at him, knowing the emotion was probably mirrored in my gaze.

“Beautiful Elena. As pretty as the day you left me at the altar.” He smirked and I flushed.

“Your vengeance is petty and pointless and unfair…just like you.” I said angrily, frustration building u at his words. The way he talked about our broken engagement like it even mattered. It hadn’t even been real. We had hardly spoken and my father had called the wedding off at the last moment. But apparently, that had been the last straw for the Jeons. They had come after my father’s entire existence with a single minded intent to destroy him and they had succeeded. The man was dead . His two sons were dead.

But apparently it wasn’t enough.

Jungkook stared at me, slipping his hands into his pockets.

“Maybe. But it’s also deadly and potent. And it won’t rest until I see you reduced to nothing but a whore on the streets, spreading your legs for every man who can afford you.” He laughed. “ Saying no is a luxury , one that you’ll soon be unable to afford.”

I refused to be cowed, refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his words scared me. Because they did.

They scared me so damn much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“This bed is so lumpy… I’m so sorry, unnie..” I said apologetically but Jisoo shook her head quickly, palms cupping my face as I held her elbows, gently lowering her to the bed. I stared at her feet, feeling my heart race at how swollen they looked. That can’t be normal, a voice whispered and

I didn’t know if that was normal and I had no money to take her to a clinic. The social center we usually went to only allowed three visits per month and we had used it all up. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and spend the thirty thousand won it would take but that would mean no groceries for a week and surely bread and eggs wouldn’t stretch that long, even if I could sneak meals in the restaurant for myself.

“I’ve been feeling a little dizzy…I’ll just sleep.” She said tiredly. She was thirty six weeks along, not due for another four weeks but her blood pressure was erratic. Her lab numbers were oscillating and there had been talks of an emergency c section. Even with insurance it was way more than I could afford but I had my own jewelry, a few expensive trinkets from my teenage years. I’d been obsessed with diamonds and my father had indulged me and I had a pair of earrings left. I’d already sold the rest but this would take care of the medical bills for the birth itself.

“My shift starts in ten minutes. I have to go. Give me a call if you need anything…” I said softly and I saw the familiar blank and listless look come into her eyes. I knew she was depressed, dealing with grief and pregnancy and loss but there was nothing I could do for her. Nothing. I had applied for a bunch of other jobs but they never wrote back. It wasn’t easy, being rejected over and over again but it wasn’t like there was much else I could do. And the truth was I was resigned to this, accepted that at some point I would have to take more loans and be stuck in an endless cycle of debt for the rest of my life.

And I had made peace with that.

There was no future for me. And I was okay with just surviving.

If only Jungkook would let me.

Apparently, watching me wipe down greasy tables and mop up floors and toilets trying to earn just enough to get a few square meals didn’t soothe his anger. It only fueled it. Jungkook couldn’t fathom that it had been six whole months of me on the streets of Seoul and I wasn’t completely destitute yet. I’d kept myself and my sister in law alive, safe and it pissed him off.

He wanted to see me broken and on my knees, begging him for help. The idea of me somehow surviving despite him taking everything away from me, it just didn’t sit well with him.

I couldn’t afford to have him as an enemy so all I could really hope was that one day he would wake up and give up. One day he would just wake up and decide that I wasn’t worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I walked into my shift and noticed a familiar pair of high heeled Louboutins , completely out of place in my seedy place of employment, I knew I was in trouble. Lisa sat against one of the booths and her gaze was fixated on the door which meant she was waiting for someone. And when her eyes narrowed at the sight of me, I just knew I was the someone.

She wants to get me fired.

It wasn’t rocket science and I felt the urge to turn right back around and leave. But I tamped down on it. I could get through this. I would get through this. Lisa and Jungkook got off on invoking reactions and I wouldn’t give them that.

Except it wasn’t that easy.

It was a nightmare, watching her demand and reject and walk all over me but the sleeplessness from the past few days made spacing out easier and I just stared away at the wall as she yelled and complained and made a scene.

“You’ve stopped fighting? Finally giving up? Good…” She hissed when the manager apologized to her and told me to meet him after my shift and I felt myself tremble in indignation.

“I won’t fight you or Jungkook, you and I both know I can’t afford to.” I said quietly and she went still, something flashing in her eyes for a second. It was gone before I could fully process it but it had been there. Guilt.

Lisa wasn’t a terrible human. She had been a dear friend. We had grown up together and she had even hugged and teased me when I’d been betrothed to Jungkook, all those years ago. I had been twenty back then, naïve and spoiled. While Jungkook had taken my father’s entire legacy apart, piece by piece, Lisa had been nothing more than a pawn. I remembered all the times I had let her home, how she would disappear for lengths of time.

Planting bugs all over the house. All over his office. Jungkook had been smart. Someone like Lisa, so fascinated by thr wealth she had grown up around would naturally jump at the idea of more. It wasn’t greed. It was human nature. And with her help he had destroyed everything my father had built over decades.

I shuddered. My father hadn’t been a good man. He had been greedy, yes. But he hadn’t deserved to die. And Jungkook would have to pay for that sin, someday.

“There’s a job waiting for you in Hoseok’s club.” She smiled cruelly , “ you don’t need this one.”

“The fact that you want to take it away from me, tells me that maybe there’s nothing left in you save.” I said blankly and she turned her nose up at me.

“I have Jungkook. I don’t need to be saved.”

I shook my head. She was so naïve. Men like Jungkook cared for nothing but themselves. But I wondered if women like her didn’t care for anything but the money that came with being his. Money was precious, I thought bitterly. I’d never realized how privileged I had been until I’d had it all ripped away.

“He’s the one you need saving from. And one day you’ll realize that.” I shrugged, not in the mood to offer her anymore life advice. If she was alright with being a trophy wife in exchange for a few pretty shoes that was her prerogative.

Before she could reply, my phone rang.

“Hello?” I asked nervously and I felt my heart drop to my knees when I heard who it was.

I turned on my heel rushing inside and my manager gave me a look of surprise.

“ My sister..she’s… she’s sick. I need to go.” I said desperately and his eyes narrowed. It was the worst timing. He was already annoyed because of Lisa and I stared in disbelief as he quickly shook his head.

“No. I’m sorry Elena…I just can’t let you leave like that…” He said sharply.

It was so unfair.

“I haven’t taken a single day off in five months…” I said desperately..” Please, she’s pregnant..She needs me, she-“

“If you leave, you won’t have a job to come back to. I can’t do this.. First you make trouble with a customer and now you just want to walk out in the middle of your shift without any notice…”

“Fine. Fire me.” I snapped, because I’d just had enough of it. I was exhausted, and tomorrow I’d go knocking on some other tore and I’d get a job. I lived in Seoul …How hard could it be? For now, I had to get to Jisoo. I had to get the hospital and things would be okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t okay.

“I… You want to keep her in? So soon?”

“Her blood pressure is through the roof. There are signs of severe pre eclampsia and we want to get her started on a magnesium drip. Steroids to help the baby’s lungs incase we need to deliver…”

“Deliver..?” I couldn’t breathe.

“Yes, I’m sorry…. If her blood pressure doesn’t come down we’re going to have to deliver.”

I nodded, glancing at the bed where Jisoo was sleeping, her face swollen and I knew that she was sick. Really sick. She looked pallid and ill.

“Is she going to be okay?” I asked hoarsely.

“We’re going to do what we can… But I’m going to be honest, we’re looking at a c section, a lot of meds and also some time in the NICU for the baby…. Can you afford it? Your sister’s insurance only covers 80% .”

I blinked, completely thrown. White noise rushed through my ears, a dull throb settling right at the base of my skull and beginning to spread all the way to my arms and back. It was panic mixed wth anxiety mixed with despair and I couldn’t quite cope. The earrings wouldn’t cover all that.

“Oh… Oh..yeah.” I said dully, “ Of course I can… Let me just…. Can I have a moment? There’s somethings I need to do.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I carefully slipped the cash into the envelope, swallowing as I sat on the pavement. I’d got another call from the hospital, they had administered the steroids but Jisoo’s condition seemed to be worsening. They wanted to try inducing labour soon but they wanted me to pay for the room and for the medicines, and apparently, the earrings weren’t as valuable as I thought they were.

I fought nausea wrapping arms around myself as I stared at the cars whizzing by, the putrid city air clogging my lungs as I tried to come to terms with what was happening. Jisoo needed help. She was the only one left and she carried my brother’s son. I felt my throat clog when I thought of Daehwan. He had been a good guy. I had loved him. It wasn’t fair, what Jungkook had done to my family, I thought miserably .

And the only reason I wasn’t driven by vengeance or anger was because I was nothing like Jungkook. I hated him. I didn’t want him to live in my head, didn’t want to waste any part of myself on him , not even my anger. But it was hard when he wouldn’t let me breathe, always at my heels like a wolf : jaws snapping and blood thirsty eyes trained on me at all times. I couldn’t fathom his obsession sometimes. Surely, his hatred was uncalled for now? He’d taken everything from me anyway.

There was a dull roaring in my ears, one that said that this was not really a surprise. I’d thought about it way too often, had considered it countless times. Had even spent one absolutely horrifying evening scouring the streets of Seoul’s red light district just to see how sex workers behaved.

I’d also realized that in the face of desperation, dignity didn’t hold much value.

You are going to pay your debts on your back and on your knees.

The first time Jungkook had thrown it at my face, eyes glinting with glee, my stomach had rebelled so hard. I’d been absolutely infuriated, had thrown a vase at him. And it had been awful, watching him catch it out of the air with ease, his mocking laughter making my bones rattle as he shook his head, “ That’s how this ends, Elena. Mark my words.”

And it was pitiful , that he went through life so consumed with hatred and vindictive cruelty that he couldn’t leave me alone . He was pathetic. That’s how I saw him. A pathetic child who refused to stop tormenting the helpless ant on the floor although it was no match for his cruelty.

At some point Jungkook was going to win. And his idea of winning was seeing me stripped bare of the one thing that kept me alive : my freedom.

It had just happened sooner than I’d thought.

Because I knew what it would mean, to go to Hoseok. He would own me. Hoseok’s whores were all slaves, tangled in his web so badly that there was no hope of escape. He wasn’t cruel but he was smart. No one left the his ‘ agency’ once they went in. I would be lost, forever. And I couldn’t stomach it.

I stared at my knees, fists clenched on the fabric of my skirt. I grabbed my phone, scrolling through the contacts. I considered it carefully. I had to do this on my terms. Had to make sure I retained some sort of control here.

And I knew just how to do it.

Hoseok picked up on the third ring.

“Hello.”

“I need help.” I croaked out.

The deep chuckle made my skin crawl.

“Elena Gong. What a wonderful, wonderful surprise. What can I do you for?” He drawled.

“Well sweetheart, I’m all out of charity so you’re going to have to make it worth my while.”

I took a deep breath.

“I’m a virgin.” I whispered.

The line went completely silent.

“What?” The amusement in his voice died.

“You heard me and I’ll let you cash in on it. I’ll let you auction it off…” I tamped down on the burning protest in my lung, the screaming inside my head that said it was horrifying, that I was considering this. “ But only if you keep my terms.”

“What makes you think you have a say in that.” He said sharply and I laughed.

“I belong to your world, Hoseok. Did you forget that we were friends, once.” I whispered and he didn’t reply.

Laughter, kindness, a big brother I could always count on, hobi oppa, nine year old me with my fingers curled around his wrist as we ran all around the gardens , a smile so wide that he could spread sunshine on the gloomiest days. Different from Jungkook and Namjoon and Yoongi and the others. Willing to include a ‘ girl’ in his playtime. Lisa and I the only girls, not even fazed watching as the rest of them wielded toy guns and mock interrogation scenes, pretending to kill and maim and torture because that was the world we were born into.

“We’re not friends, Elena. Let’s get that straight. The only part of you that holds any value to me is th part between your legs. So tell me, what do you want.”

“When was the last time you auctioned off someone’s virginity? You know how much money you can make off something like that. Not just from the sale itself but from the entire night. Your club… Your gaming hell…. All of it.”

“You expect me to believe you’re a virgin. At twenty seven.” He scoffed.

“Put the word out, everywhere. If you find one man who says he’s slept with me , I’ll back off.”

“That would require me to tarnish your family name. And you’re alright with that?”

I smiled biotterly.

“Isn’t that what you and your precious Jungkookie want? To see the last living Gong, be labeled as a whore and a slut.”

He didn’t reply.

“I’ll give you that. You can do it… You know that will only interest more people. As Jungkook so eloquently put it, most of them would love to fuck the defiance out of me.”

“What’s the catch. What do you want. ”

“2 billion won.” I said firmly “It will be one night. One night only and I want enough money to pay off every one of my father’s debts, to get me an apartment for my sister in law and to support her and her baby for a year at least.”

“Done.” He said without missing a beat and I went still. What must it be like, to throw around money like that without a care in the world. And it sickened me that Jungkook was probably ten times as rich as Hoseok , the money my father owed him and his associates not even pocket change in comparison to his gargantuan wealth and yet, he stayed on my heels, snapping his jaws like a dog with a bone.

“And Jungkook doesn’t get to watch.” I said softly, knowing exactly what Jungkook would get off on.

That made Hoseok laugh.

“You know him too well. I keep forgetting he was madly in love with you once.”

I resisted the urge to vomit. Jungkook didn’t know love. He knew ownership. He didn’t love me, he thought he owned me. That I was his to play with…. For the rest of his life. And when my father had denied him that, just like a toddler in a toy store being denied a shiny toy to break and trample on, he had thrown a temper tantrum.

Except his tantrums always ended in death and destruction.

“That’s the deal. He doesn’t turn up there to gloat.”

“He’s heading out to Switzerland for a week , two days from now.” Hoseok said evenly.

“Good then. My sister in law…she “ I swallowed. “ She’s in a hospital in Yongsan. I’ll send you the address.”

“I’ll take care of it. But I want you here tonight. I’m not going to drop a couple billion won on your head without making sure I’m getting my money’s worth. And I can’t have you changing your mind and bolting either. My reputation is on the line here. If I put out the word that I’m serving something so fucking delicious and then back out, they’re not going to want to buy Hobi’s wares anymore. You understand what I’m saying darling?” Hoseok drawled and I knew exactly what he was saying. If I agreed to this, it was blanket consent for him to whatever he wanted.

“I won’t back out. I can’t. But this is one night. One night with whichever bastard you choose and that’s it. I want out. I don’t want you or Jungkook hounding me again. Ever.” My voice shook as I dug my fingers into my knees.

“My men will be there in ten minutes. Sit tight, princess.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stared at Hoseok as he carefully poured me a finger of whiskey, neat. He gave me a smirk and I shrugged.

“you remember.” I said casually, throat itching because it had been way too long since I’d had quality alcohol. I missed the burn, the warmth , the numbness that followed.

“Of course I do. You could drink all of us under the table with little effort. It was spectacular.” He laughed and I leaned back against the couch, letting my head fall back.

“I was half certain that you would have a doctor around to make sure I’m a virgin.” I stared at him and he shrugged. “ Pointless. You’re twenty seven, you’ve probably had stuff up there anyway… Not like your hymen’s still going to be intact.”

I thought it was rather horrifying, that I didn’t feel nearly as mortified as I should. This was how Hoseok talked, matter of fact and open and that was why he was so popular. Anytime an important person came into the country, Hobi was the one who offered entertainment for the night. Hobi’s girls were always the prettiest, most well behaved and perfect. They were educated, knew what they were talking about and he didn’t force them into the life. They loved it, enjoyed it and it showed.

Not to say he was a saint.

Far from it.

Hoseok knew how to dine with kings in castles but also how to wrestle with swine in the gutter. The seedy brothels in Seoul’s back alleys were his as well, and he ruled his kingdom with an iron hand. The prostitutes there feared him, one look or word enough to silence any rebellion, any thought of escape.

He was called Hope. And yet somehow that was exactly what he denied the women under him. There was no hope here. There was only lust and power and money. You came to Hobi…. You never left .

I took the glass he offered, taking a small sip, savoring the taste.

“But you believe me. I wonder why.” I watched him closely and he scoffed.

“Between your father and Jungkook, no one ever really had the pluck to come anywhere near you did they?”

Undisputable.

I sighed, leaning back to stare at him.

“Do you think dying hurts?” I asked softly.

It was frightening, how his entire body went stiff, eyes wide and jaw dropping.

“Elena, what the fuck-“

“Its just a question. You’ve killed people. You’ve watched them die… how do you think they feel?” I asked , curious.

“None of them wanted to die. If that’s what you’re asking.” The look in his eyes made me nervous.

I stared at him and the question was obvious. None of them wanted to die, but do you?

I didn’t.

“I’m not thinking of killing myself , oppa. Stop looking so horrified.” I laughed. He shook his head.

“ Don’t joke about that. It’s not fucking funny.”

I sobered up, remembering with a jolt. Ah, of course.

“I’m sorry. I forgot.” I said quietly.

Hoseok’s little sister had killed herself when I was seventeen. She was a year older than me and her father had lost her in a wager to a seventy year old man, known for torturing his bedmates. She had heard the news, taken a deep breath and taken a deep dive off the seventeeth floor of the condo where she lived with her mother.

I’d been engaged to Jungkook by then. And I had almost wanted it. Jungkook wasn’t old at least… twenty one to my seventeen.

“Just so you know, he’s going to find out. And he’s not going to like it.”

I shrugged. Three years is a long time to be preyed upon and now my mind was resigned to a life of being hunted. Hoseok was right. Jungkook would find out and he wouldn’t like it.

Good.

“I don’t care what he does anymore. All I care is that Jisoo and the baby are left out of whatever plans he has…. If you promise me you’ll keep them safe , I’ll cooperate.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a baby boy.

I stared, fingers itching to hold the baby but it was impossible, the little one whisked away to the NICU right after with respiratory distress and Jisoo had gone into a seizure, eyes rolling back into her eyes.

She as alright now, resting in a VIP room with the best care money could buy. Hoseok had asked me if I was happy with the arrangements, and if I would name the boy after him.

I stared at the room, large and breezy and filled with flowers and gifts, toys and baby stuff and I knew right then that I had sealed my fate. I was going to have to go through with this. I could imagine how much Jisoo would protest when she came to her senses. The only relief was that it would take her a few days to be good enough to fight or protest. But then this would all be over and done with.

Jungkook would leave this afternoon. His flight was at three.

I would reach the club at five. The patrons would arrive at seven.

One night, I reminded myself , staring at the gentle rise and fall of Jisoo’s chest as she slept, my fingers playing with the soft skin on her wrist. The IV line went through her veins and I watched the gentle drip of it.

One night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t know how auctions happened and while I’d been prepared for the worst kind of humiliation, Hoseok assured me that he wasn’t going to make me stand naked on some podium or something.

“Generally, I would do something like that simply for the flair of it but consider this a favor ….a respite because you were, as you said, once a friend.” He gave me an even smile and I could only nod in mute relief.

I was grateful. Beyond grateful.

And what was more, he hadn’t told anyone, who I was.

That stunned me. Because wasn’t that the selling point? The murderous, greedy mob rat Gong Hyo Suk’s only daughter forced to spread her legs for one lucky stranger? If Hoseok had cashed in on that he would have made a fortune. But he hadn’t. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Would , whoever it was be upset if he recognized me?

I was led to a bedroom, large and tastefully decorated with silky satin sheets and dark curtains and dim lighting that lit up parts of the room and left other parts plunged in darkness. Hoseok had told me to wear whatever I wanted and I realized with a pang that he really didn’t see this as some sort of transaction. He was trying to make it as easy as possible without making any decisions for me. Offering me choices and options and some illusion of being in control.

I didn’t have anything fancy so it was just a dress shirt that I borrowed from Hoseok. I’d left the underwear off, eager to merely get the whole thing over with. I felt a sudden overwhelming urge to laugh out loud.

If Jungkook were here he really would have lost his damn mind, simply because of how little this whole thing affected me. And that was it, really. He was always desperate for a reaction.

Earlier when this whole thing had started, I’d obliged him with that. I would scream, rant and yell….launch myself at him like a wildcat, scratching at him , fists flying and it was obscene, how much he seemed to enjoy that. He would press me up against walls and tables , fingers choking the breath out of my lung, just so he could see me struggle and push back.

He fed off from every negative reaction I offered him and it had taken me a long long time that the way to beat him was to become passive, unresponsive. I would go limp in his arms, stare at him blankly as he tried to manhandle me and that…that had pissed him off. Because that meant I wasn’t playing his game anymore.

If the prey wasn’t playing, the game wasn’t fun anymore. It was drab.

Boring.

And I knew that Jungkook kept raising the stakes, kept tightening the noose around my neck….just to bring that girl out again. The one that had wanted to put up a fight . The one that wanted to mouth off even with the muzzle of a gun pressed against her head. The one who would spit in his face in front of all his associates, even if it earned her a vicious strike of his hand across her face.

I shuddered. They weren’t memories I liked reliving.

Well, if that was who he wanted, I’d make sure he would never see her again.

The door opening made me jump and Hoseok came in , with a wide grin on his face.

“Baby…. Your guest for the night.” He said softly and I peered over his shoulders, my heart and mind grinding to a halt when I caught sight of what had to be the most breathtakingly beautiful man on the face of the planet.

I felt my heart begin to pound, fear taking over because this wasn’t okay. Not really. I was okay with old, creepy and disgusting , not able to get it up for more than ten minutes.

I wasn’t okay with someone who looked like they stepped right out of the latest issue of GQ.

Hoseok left quickly, closing the door behind him and the man stepped into the light, the brightness lighting up his perfect features even more. I felt my throat go dry, and fought the urge to get up and run. Growing up as the daughter of a mobster , I’d learned how to trust my instincts over appearances.

And right now, every single one of those instincts screamed at me that this man was absolutely dangerous.

“Well, you are beautiful. I’ll give you that. “ He said casually.

“Thank you.” I said stiltedly, watching as he tugged on his tie, pulling it off his neck deftly . Instead of tossing it aside , he wrapped it a bunch of times around his wrist over and over as he smiled at me.

“Don’t thank me yet. The only reason I like beautiful things is because of how easily they break.” He smiled. “ I haven’t been with a virgin in a while…. I miss the screams.”

And there it was the full blown panic that came with stark terror. I crawled back on the bed, staring as he moved closer and there was no mistaking the look on his face, the harsh grip of his hand on my ankle telling me that I was going to regret every one of the choices that led me here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hoseok wasn’t at the airport.” Jungkook observed casually, glancing at Yoongi as the latter finished cleaning his gun carefully, eyes fixed on his weapon with utmost concentration.

“He’s holding some sort of auction tonight. Some chick …” Yoongi said casually and Jungkook hummed. It was not the kind of thing he was interested in. Anonymous bids were often boring : actresses or female idols past their prime, desperate to make some money to survive. He had no interest in those but he was a little peeved that Hoseok hadn’t told him anything about it.

Hoseok was one of Jungkook’s most trusted friends. He was almost as powerfully rich as Jungkook and the only reason Jungkook reigned supreme was because Hoseok had no interest in challenging him for the throne. Hoseok was dangerous and cunning and loyal and Jungkook was grateful to have him on his side and he had hoped to see him before leaving. Just to ask him to keep an eye on Elena.

He grimaced, hating himself.

God, he couldn’t go two hours without thinking of her. It fucked with his head, the amount of space she took up inside him. Jungkook , for all his wealth and power, was driven solely by his need to prove himself. He wanted to be powerful and terrifying yes, but more than that , he wanted people to know.

He wanted people to look him in the eye and acknowledge him for what he was : the most dangerous man in the country. He liked seeing that fear, that worship, that admiration. He got off on it. He wanted it , craved it and for some reason he craved it more from her , than anyone else.

And instead of giving him what he wanted, instead of begging on her knees for mercy, instead of licking his shoes and begging for him to let her live….she ignored him. She looked at him with defiance and pride, her chin straight and her back unbending, her gaze locked right on him like she was his fucking equal….

And Jungkook, he’d taken a lot of insults. Taken more than his fair share of hits in life …..

But when she looked at him like that , like he was something stuck to the bottom of her shoe….

Fuck it drove him wild with fury.

It made him want to teach her a fucking lesson, to remind her that he owned her because he owned everything. To break her down, snuff out the flames of defiance that burned so bright in those ember eyes… Take her into his bed and brand her with his body. Till she was on the floor, on her knees covered in his spit and cum begging for mercy….

Because no one looked at Jeon Jungkook like that and lived to tell the tale..

“Seokjin’s here. Landed in Korea a couple of hours ago. ” Yoongi said casually and Jungkook smiled a bit at that. He loved his older brother, technically a step brother and growing up he had only saw him when he visited his mother in China. That meant a couple of months a year and now as adults, a bit more often because Seokjin loved Jungkook and liked to visit him often.

Seokjin was a celebrity trainer, working with actors and athletes and he did a good amount of modeling as well. He was rich, handsome and well liked and the only thing that gave away the Jeon blood in him was the fact that he was a sexual sadist.

The face of an angel with a devilish streak, he had a penchant for sadism and inflicting pain on his partners and while Jungkook didn’t particularly enjoy indulging him, he knew there were women who were into that and usually had them arranged for when Seokjin dropped by in Korea. His hyung’s visit seldom lasted more than a few weeks at a time and it was a pity that he would miss out one whole week of it .

But the issue in Switzerland was a little pressing and Jungkook had to be there in person to sort it out.

He leaned back against the seat, staring out of the window, sighing.

“An unsullied dove ….What the fuck is this shit..” Yoongi muttered and Jungkook turned, curious.

“What?”

“Hoseok’s been hyping up some new girl for the auction and Seokjin hyung’s bidding on her.”

Jungkook laughed at that.

“Jungkook…..” Yoongi’s voice is completely stunned, his eyes confused as he looks up at Jungkook.” Its Elena.”

Jungkook’s thought process came to a grinding halt.

There’s a sound between his ears, a dull rushing sound like the wind in a storm and he can’t quite comprehend what he just heard. Even Namjoon who had been buried in his laptop , looked up then, tugging an airpod out of his ear.

“Wait…did you say Elena?” His eyes were wide , lips parted in shock. Yoongi and Namjoon exchanged glances, no doubt bracing themselves for the explosion that was to follow.

Jungkook took a deep breath.

“Turn the fucking plane around.”

That jolted Namjoon out of his stunned stupor..

“Turn-? Jungkook what…. We’re on a fourteen hour flight-“ Namjoon began but the look on Jungkook’s face made him stop.

“DID I FUCKING STUTTER?”

Namjoon swore.

“Fucking hell… alright just calm the fuck down, Jesus…just put a fucking bullet in that girl’s head and spare us all the headache fuck…” He growled, unbuckling his seat belt and rushing to the cockpit and Yoongi groaned.

“ Let me guess you want me to get in touch with someone in Seoul and ask Hoseok to hold off on letting Seokjin near her…”

Jungkook glared at him.

“If you already know that why the fuck are you still here…” He growled and Yoongi gave him a look.

“Just tell her you’re in love with her and let us live, Jeon Jungkook.”

In love….. what the fuck….

He glared at Yoongi’s back, his asinine words making him madder. God he wanted to crush someone’s skull into dust with his bare hands.

And right now, in his head , that skull belonged to Jung fucking Hoseok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What just happened?” I asked, frantic staring at the door as Hoseok’s men casually led a fuming Seokjin away while the man himself stared at me, looking pale as parchment.

“ Jungkook found out.” He said shortly and I felt my heart drop although I was half relieved because there had been something insane in Kim Seokjin’s gaze when he’d reached for me , a cruel glint of hunger that told me he would have hurt me really badly if Hoseok hadn’t barged into the room , frantic and worried.

He had given Seokjin a wide smile and then, “ I’m so sorry. We were waiting on her blood results and turns out she has a…. well, certain occupational disease that is very infectious.”

Seokjin’s mouth had dropped open even wider than mine.

“I thought she was a fucking virgin.” He had snapped, and I flinched at how cold and furious he had sounded.

But apparently there was a reason this whole thing had happened.

“What do you mean Jungkook knows? What does that mean?” I asked frantically, fear taking over.

“ He’s heading back here… He wants to see you.”

I felt my entire body go ice cold as I shook my head…

“No…fucking no bring Seokjin back here , he can fuck me that was the fucking deal, Hobi, please don’t../…”

“Elena , I’m so fucking sorry.. Seokjin…he’s fucked in the head…. He likes hurting his whores, likes making them bleed and he would have fucking destroyed you…”

I gaped at him horrified.

“What?!” I hissed shaking my head in disbelief.

“He’s Jungkook’ stepbrother. I’ve arranged whores for him before, I knew he was a little crazy but I’d never seen him before and I didn’t know he was the Kim Seokjin…fuck he outbid everyone and fucker looks like a fucking angel, how the fuck was I supposed to know he’s unhinged? Thankfully, I messaged Yoongi and …. Fuck… Listen… I know I paid for your sister’s surgery but you’re going to have to pay me back….”

I felt my body convulse in rebellion.

“I can’t.. You know I fucking can’t…”

“I can’t make an enemy out of Jungkook…. I can’t.” Hoseok shook his head. “ You can get out of here now if you want but I’d advise you to stay. If you run it’s only going to make Jungkook angrier.”

“WHAT DID I FUCKING DO TO HIM?!!!” I screamed, feeling my composure crumble into smithereens. “WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT FROM ME?!!”

Hoseok flinched, stepping back and holding his hands up.

“Whether I want to or not, I answer to Jungkook. I shouldn’t have done this in the first place , I’m sorry Elena.” He shook his head and stepped back like the coward that he was and I wanted to hurt him. To shake him and ask him to fucking remember who I was. That I had nothing to do with my father’s sins . That I had been a fucking marionette in his hands, had wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

I stared at him in disbelief.

“So much for being a friend…” I whispered.

His jaw tightened. But he didn’t look guilty. None of them ever did. It was like guilt didn’t exist in their world. They did what they wanted to whoever they wanted , whenever they wanted and they got away with it because that bastard’s word was law. What Jeon Jungkook wanted, he got.

“I’ll get your clothes sent in.”

I watched him leave, the door slamming shut behind him and sagged against the bed, staring at myself. What had just happened?

Was I born to endless misery and misfortune?

Couldn’t I catch a fucking break?

I’d agreed to sell myself hadn’t I? Would have even let Seokjin hurt me if that was what he wanted. Because it was one night. It was one night of this…whatever the hell this was and then freedom. That was the deal.

The door opened again and I stared as a young girl brought me a pile of my clothes neatly folded.

“Do you work here?” I said sharply.

She blinked before bowing her head.

“Yes, mistress.”

I scoffed.

“Don’t call me mistress , I’m here to get fucked, just like you. Tell me does Jungkook ever use the women here.” I demanded.

She looked trapped, glancing at the door, clearly wanting to run .

“Tell me.” I snapped and she flinched.

“I..uh..yes. Sometimes.” She said softly.

“Can you tell whoever fucks him next to kick him in the fucking balls?”

The girl bowed deeply and all but ran out and I sighed, feeling myself shaking. Jungkook was on the way here and I wanted to yell and scream and rave at him but I knew that was exactly what he wanted. I wanted to deny him the satisfaction …wanted to act all cool and composed in front of him but it was impossible…

Because I hadn’t realized just how tired I was of this whole thing, till right this moment, when the end had been in sight. I was supposed to get my two billion won pay off all the debt , give Jisoo the rest of the money and disappear. I was so tired, so tired of this life I’d gotten trapped into, slaving over for hours on end just to afford a couple of meals a day. No friends, no boyfriends, no hope of a future …..

The door banged open and I jumped, crawling back when I recognized the man who had just entered.

“Yoongi-“

“Jungkook wants to see you.” He ground out and I swallowed.

“I need to get dressed. Please just wait outside.” I said shakily.

And then the door opened further and a tall looming shadow stepped in familiar and vomit inducing.

Jungkook looked livid, piercing glinting through the dimply lit room and I stared at him. He was dressed in a tight black t shirt, he sleeves stretched thin over his biceps and the tattoos stark against his skin.

“Leave us.” He said softly and Yoongi moved away to the door leaving me alone with the devil himself. I cursed myself for not putting at least my panties on, I was naked underneath this shirt and although it was big it left nothing to the imagination.

Jungkook’s eyes raked over my form before resting on my face.

“You think you’re smart enough to outsmart me, Elena?” He whispered softly.

I swallowed.

“Send you brother back in. He can fuck me and I’ll pay you back.”

Jungkook hummed, stepping closer and grabbing my clothes from the bed, he grabbed the plain white bra and the pastel pink underwear and then to my complete and utter mortification he brought the clothing up to his face, breathing in .

“Fucking pervert!!!” I screamed, feeling the action like a physical touch and wanting to claw his eyes out and the smirk on his face told me that this was exactly what he wanted but I was too fucking gone to care.

“If you want me to be a whore, fine. I’ll be a whore. But on my terms…” I spat out and he shook his head, laughing.

“I don’t just want you to be a whore, Elena. I want everyone to know that you are one…” He dropped my clothes and moved closer, holding a hand out. “ Come here.”

I stared at the inked fingers, adorned with sterling silver rings and bracelets with the motifs of his gang. I shook my head.

“No. I’m not playing this game with you.” I turned my face away.

His hand shot out gripping my upper arm with enough strength to bruise and I screamed, agony shooting up my arm and shoulders as he dragged me off the bed and onto the floor. I landed hard, hips and elbows bruising from impact and I stared at him in disbelief.

“I’ve been to gentle with you. You’ve forgotten your fucking place.” He bent over and grabbed me by my hair, yanking me to my feet so hard that it felt like my scalp had been ripped away from my skull.

“Okay…okay…Okay Jungkook..just…!!” I said softly, flinching because my pain tolerance was almost zero and Jungkook’s grip was so hard that my eyes were beginning to water now. He let me go, grabbing my panties off the floor and tossing them at me.

“I’m going to count to five. Put those on and get out.”

He walked out of the door and I stumbled a little fumbling with the fabric before quickly, slipping my legs in and yanking it up to my waist. I made to put on something else but his voice came, loud and impatient.

“Get the fuck out here.”

I walked out of the door and he was standing there next to Hoseok. I couldn’t meet either of their gazes , hating how they had so much power over my life. I stared at the floor. It was tempting to yell at them and scream but that never led anywhere.

“ I’ve asked them to stop the payment on the Hospital bill. Seeing as Elena hasn’t kept her end of the bargain.”

I felt my breath hitch at that, willing down the tears as I glared at him.

“What do you want?” I snapped. “ Tell me who you want me to fuck…. I’ll do it. Let’s get this over with so you can go back to whatever sewer you fucking climbed out of. ….”

Hoseok’s breath caught like he couldn’t believe what I’d just said and the look in his eye was a warning but I was sick of this. Sick of them all.

Jungkook turned to Hoseok with a laugh.

“You see hyung? See why I can’t let her go? If I let her scot free, everyone’s going to think I’m a pushover….that any worthless bitch can talk to me any way she wants and get away with it….” He shook his head, staring at me with a glint in his eye. “ I’m not going to choose. They are. You think you can charm your way into Hoseok’s heart and get special treatment? You think you’re ready to be a whore, Elena? Let me show you how a real whore gets treated in Hoseok’s club.”

He gripped my wrist, yanking me behind him as he stalked off down the narrow corridor that opened up into the club. I let myself get dragged out into the club dismally aware of the fact that I was wearing nothing but Hoseok’s shirt. I could feel eyes on me but I kept mine on the back of Jungkook’s head as he dragged me all the way to the front. I knew what he was going to do and at this point I was just numb.

There was no point reasoning with the devil.

I glared at him as he pointed at the stage. “ Get up there.” He whispered harshly.

I stared back at him, not moving. I saw Jungkook’s jaw clench.

“Either you go up there by yourself, with your clothes on. Or I carry you up there, after stripping you naked. What’s it going to be? ”

I glared at him, pursing my lips before climbing up using the small stair in the side. I moved to the center, right in front of the stage lights, so the rest of the room would disappear. I had no wish to see any of the bastards in the room.

“I think all of you recognize this little beauty here, don’t you?” Jungkook’s voice was cheerful, friendly even and I bit my lips, fists clenched. “ Well, if you don’t let me tell you . This is Gong Hyo Suk’s daughter. Remember that bastard? He put a hit out on my father. Killed him and my mom on the night I was supposed to be marrying his fucking daughter. A daughter who later called off the wedding, because I was too poor now, to give her the life she deserved. ”

I felt the familiar ice cold guilt in my vein. I was seventeen, I wanted to scream. I was seventeen and all I did was say what my father asked me to say, do what my father asked me to do.

“ That was nine fucking years ago… and you know what I told myself…. I told myself, that a greedy little bitch like this, doesn’t deserve shit.” He laughed. “ If money’s what she values the most, then the only thing she deserves is to be treated like the whore she is.”

“Why don’t you guys tell me, how much money you’d be willing to spend, to fuck her? Come on, Hobi’s been treating you guys so well lets help him make some money tonight… be generous. ”

I could barely hear what they were calling out but when Jungkook climbed onto the stage next to me, I jumped. Moving back instinctively, I winced when brought a forearm around my throat nearly choking me as he dragged up against his body.

“90 million won….That’s a lot.” He grinned. “ Jihan hyung….. that was you right? You’re gonna pay 90 million won for her?”

I felt my heart race, it was a lot. More than enough for the Hospital Bills, would even leave extra to get a decent apartment somewhere... I grabbed his wrist as it pressed into my throat, trying to pull his hand off me but he just wrapped his free hand around my waist, wrapping his entire body around mine and chuckling into my hair.

Jungkook pressed his head against mine and I froze, hating the close contact.

“Okay…but since I’m feeling a bit left out here…Why don’t I pitch in… 500 Won.” Jungkook said loud and clear.

I froze. An eerie silence fell over the club, laughter stilling and the clink of glasses slowing down.

What.

I struggled to get away from his but his hold tightened.

“Anyone else?” He called out. “ Come on… Not even thousand? Surely you think this one here’s worth a thousand won? Aren’t you going to outbid me?”

No one responded of course they didn’t. Jungkook’s anger was palpable and no one was going to get on his wrong side …..

“Ahh… is that it then? Bid’s going to close for 500 won then…. Hear that baby?” He whispered against my ears and I swallowed. “ 90, million won to five hundred won in a few seconds… What does that tell you?”

“It tells me you’re a fucking psychopath in love with your own voice… Get off me.” I hissed.

“No. What it tells you is that only I get to decide how much that body of yours is worth, not you. . You don’t get to go sell your fucking body behind my back for two billion won and then pay off all your debts and ride off into the sunset, that is not how this works….”

I went limp in his arms fighting tears because he never played fair. Never.

“Hear that Hoseok-ah… I win her for the night for 500 won…fair and square…. Is that alright?” He called out into the darkness and I felt the first inkling of dread begin to seep in.

“No.. No… get off me.” I hissed and he laughed, dragging me off the stage with ease. I screamed, kicking out in disbelief.

Jungkook grinned at me, before grabbing both my arms and yanking them behind me, and I whimpered, unable to move as he easily pulled me along to the door that opened into the hallway. Behind us I heard Hoseok’s voice.

“Jungkook, don’t be impulsive. Think about whatever you’re going to do.”

I flinched at that, panic building.

“He’s not going to do anything. I’ll fucking kill him if he touches me , I-“

“Shut the fuck up, you little bitch.” He shook me hard till my teeth rattled and I sobbed out.

“Jungkook…” Hoseok warned but he merely snarled.

“I know what I’m doing hyung, just…. Don’t disturb us. And make sure everyone here knows that she’s open for business.” It was loud enough to carry through the club and I felt humiliation burn my throat, acrid like acid.

I froze in disbelief.

“Jungkook …” Hoseok’s voice held a tone of reproach.

“ And tell them that her body is amazing. Tell them she spent the night with me , the best fuck I’ve ever had , mouth made for cock.”

I stared straight ahead as he pulled me all the way to the room we had left earlier and I tripped when he shoved me inside, landing on my hands and knees . I quickly rolled back around to land on my ass, crawling back as he slammed the door shut and locked it from the inside.

He stared down at me, mouth grim.

“You do owe me a wedding night. I was so ready to fuck your tight cunt, nine years ago… I think I’ve waited long enough yeah.”

I stared at him in disbelief. I knew exactly what he wanted me to do, to yell and scream and protest and fight so he could get off and forcing me…. Fucking psychopath.

I took a deep breath and nodded.

“If you pay for my sister in laws bills, and give me an apartment sure. “ I shrugged. “You’re not any different from any of the bastards here. I don’t give a damn which one of you idiots wants to rut into me like the absolute animal that you are…. I don’t care…” I said softly.

“you don’t? Really? You want me to tell you what your brother said when one of my men put a gun into his mouth…. He begged for his life…said he had a kid on the way….” Jungkook laughed, shaking his head. “I told him it was better than what his father did…. My sister was six months pregnant when his lieutenant gunned her down on the streets.”

I shuddered, wrapping my arms around myself.

“Why are you telling me this…” I snapped.

“Because she didn’t deserve it did she, Elena? She didn’t fucking deserve to die like that , like a dog on the street when she had nothing to do with any of this…. She didn’t deserve it.” He growled, bending down and gripping my chin hard.

“Maybe she did deserve it.” I spat out. “ If I deserve to be here, maybe your sister deserved to die too. “

He snarled, hand flying to my hair and dragging me up off the floor in one sharp yank. I whimpered as he pushed me on the bed, before climbing on top of me. I felt like every bone in my body was about to snap in two, the weight of him unbearable on me.

“I won the bid tonight…. I won it fair and square… You signed the waiver didn’t you…that you agreed to the auction…I won and I’m going to fucking collect.” He growled, and I kicked out, trying to buck him off of my body.

“Get off me.” I hissed. “ I’m not letting you fuck me for 500 won.”

“How about for your Jisoo then?” He whispered and I went still.

“What?”

He chuckled, reaching down and I felt my pulse pound as he pulled his phone out, dialing quickly and turning on the speakers.

Yoongi’s voice made me go ice cold. Everyone knew what Yoongi did for Jungkook.

“Daehwan’s wife is in a hospital room in Yongsan. Hobi’s got the details. I think she’s served her purpose.”

“No!! JUNGKOOK NO!!” I screamed , thrashing so hard my head began to spin but he grunted pressing down into me harder.

“Are you serious? I’m not home yet… I can take care of it tonight.” Yoongi said, voice casual and I sobbed, shaking my head in sheer terror.

“Okay… I’ll behave.. I promise.. please just don’t…”

Jungkook hummed.

“Well, that was easy… Yoongi-yah… why don’t you stay on the phone yeah…. Going to get that wedding night I’m owed and if my baby doesn’t co operate you know what to do, yeah?”

I bit my lips, glaring into the sheets as he gripped my waist, pulling me up.

“Ass up like the bitch that you are, baby.” He whispered and I felt my entire body shudder in disgust. It was worse because I hadn’t done this before. Didn’t know what to expect. But I couldn’t let him know that. If Jungkook knew that I was a virgin, I could just imagine how much fun he’d have with that info.

Hands gripped my wrists, pinning them to the bed and I turned my face away when I felt the press of his lips on my cheeks. He gripped both my wrists with one hand, keeping them pinned over my head and I flinched when I felt his fingers pulling the fabric of my panties aside, just enough for the blunt head of his cock to press against my slit.

“Yoongi, you there?” Jungkook said softly and Yoongi grunted over the phone. I felt my face flame in embarrassment.

“You’re a sick bastard but I’m used to it. What’s up?” he said casually.

“Remember how we used to wonder just how tight Elena’s cunt was… back when we were in school.”

Fucking monster, I thought in disbelief. I hate him I hate him I hate him….

“Good times…” Yoongi chuckled lightly .

Jungkook pushed into me in one hard thrust and pain shot straight up my spine, my insides burning like he’d fucked me with a knife and not his body. I couldn’t stop the cry of agony that got torn of me, my eyes tearing up and tears spilling over onto my cheeks.

“Damn Jungkook, she okay?” Yoongi’s chuckle made me want to claw his face off, and just the urge to kill was growing inside me.

“Well, I can confirm that it is, in fact just as tight as we thought…” He grunted, thrusting into me at a pace that was inhumane, every push and drag of him rubbing my insides raw and I bit down on the sheets under me, afraid that I would do something absolutely humiliating, like beg him to stop.

“Good, you should let me take that tight ass for a ride someday then. With her permission of course…. I’m a gentleman after all. Big on consent.” He laughed and I swallowed the urge to tell him that I would puncture his balls with a switchblade if he came anywhere near me.

“Oh, she’s going to do whatever I ask her to….aren’t you baby…” He grunted, “ Turn around so I can see you.”

He pulled out of me, his weight lifting off my body as he moved away. I couldn’t move, limbs numb and insides throbbing in pain . His palm landed on my thigh, hard and the sharp sting of it made me jump.

“I said turn around, I want to see your face when I fuck you.” Jungkook growled. I stayed limp, breathing hard and he grunted impatient, fingers sinking into my hair , yanking me to my knees and the movement made my legs scream in protest.

“How’s she so quiet? You fucked the voice out of her, kook-ah?” Yoongi asked amused and Jungkook pulled me by the hair, dragging me to the center and pushing me down till my head landed on the pillow.

“Hyung you should see her right now, all fucked out …. Like she’s never had a dick in her before.” He shook his head, “ Fucking slut. Take that off and hold yourself open for me.”

I stared at him, uncomprehending and he grabbed both my hands, placing them on my knees.

“Grab your knees and pull your legs back… So I can fuck that tight cunt the way I want to.” He said slowly, like I was a dog he was trying to train and I stared at him , defiantly.

“ Go to hell.” I whispered.

Yoongi’s laughter came from somewhere to the right.

“Your dirty talk needs work, Kook ah… Tell her she’s a precious little kitten and she makes you feel really good…. Bitches love that shit…”

Jungkook hovered over me, grabbing the back of my thighs and spreading them wide enough to make me whimper in pain.

“Is that so babygirl? You want me to tell you that? That you make daddy’s cock feel good?” He cooed, nudging the tip against me again and I had never hated anyone so much in my life. I stared up at his face, and he smiled at me, a cheeky little grin that made his bunny teeth stand out and for a second he looked so deceptively angelic and the glimmer of his piercing caught my eye.

I couldn’t help but swallow, gaze trained on the glint of metal on his tongue.

“You like that?” He grinned suddenly, sticking his tongue out for me to see, I felt my eyes widen at how sinfully good he looked .” Hyung she likes my tongue piercing.”

“Show her how it feels on her clit.” Yoongi laughed and I could barely fully process what I heard before Jungkook was crawling down my body, arms, curling on my thighs and yanking me onto his tongue .

I felt the press of his tongue on my slit, licking right into me and the jolt of pleasure was so unexpected, the pleasure so unwanted and yet so overwhelming and I couldn’t stop the way my body thrashed against the streets, lips parted as I practically mewled out in pleasure.

“Definitely a kitten…” Yoongi called out and I shuddered as Jungkook slipped two fingers into me , the ice cold press of his ring inside me making me jump. I wanted to pull away, grab his hair and yank him off but I couldn’t because it was

“Next time I’ll put the dick piercing in too, yeah? Fuck you with a bit of metal on my cock so you can feel that up there…. ” He laughed into my thighs and I screamed when he bit into the flesh there , hard.

“I’m getting bored… Either turn on facetime so I can at least jerk off to this , or I’m hanging up…” Yoongi called out .

“Hyung she clenches down on me every time she hears your voice… Just stay on for a few more minutes yeah, she tastes so fucking good, I’m gonna cum soon….” Jungkook added another finger, slipping in deep before spreading them apart inside me. I whimpered when he pushed his tongue in between the wet digits, licking into my walls and I could feel the ball of his piercing drag against my walls, ice cold and hard.

Was it fucked up that I did clench down on him again, my body apparently a slave to my base desires even as my mind screamed that he was the absolute worst bastard on the face of the planet.

“Elena, you owe me a blowjob at least for this…” Yoongi called out and I glared at the phone.

“I’ll bite your fucking dick off if you come anywhere near me.” I snapped.

“Fuck, I could get off just to that mouthy fuckhole of hers…..” Yoongi grunted.

Jungkook pulled away, climbing back up over me and lightly slapping my breasts.

“Now, how about you open that mouth and let me fuck it?”

Yoongi snorted from behind us and Jungkook glared at the phone before glaring at me again.

“Well?”

“You want to know how hard I can bite?” I said sharply, the pleasure ebbing away into nothing and resentment taking it place, the momentarily physicality of the situation fading and the reminder of who he was and who I was entering my sex addled brain.

“No.. You’re right…. But you know what, I’m not feeling it anymore. I was right.. you really aren’t qualified to be my whore. Your body…it’s frigid like a fucking popsicle…such a fucking turn off. ” He reached over and hung up on the phone.

“Now…”he whispered, leaning in closer and I yelped, when his fingers closed over my throat..” Shut your mouth and take what I give you like a grateful bitch.”

I swallowed when he pushed into me again, his pace steady as he fucked into me, eyes closed and I realized that he was almost fully dressed having just unbuttoned himself enough to get his cock out.

When he stiffened, spilling into me his eyes blew open and he locked eyes with me, wide eyed and for one horrible second he looked young and vulnerable and hurt.

I blinked as he pulled out, the sticky warm mess of his cum dripping down my inner thighs and onto the sheets.

“Well, that was much worse than I thought it would be.” He said and I stayed on the bed as he grabbed his phone and buttoned himself back up.

He smirked at me and then reached into his pocket.

I quickly pulled myself together, ignoring the aches and pains and getting to my knees before reaching for my dress on the bed. it was kind of pointless because I still had Hoseok’s shirt on and I wasn’t going to take that off in front of Jungkook.

“Well, I’m a man of my word , Elena so…here you go..just as we discussed.” He tossed a coin on the bed and I stared at the engraved 500 on the shiny surface, feeling my rage swell inside me.

“If you still want to work out a payment plan for your sister’s bills …. Why don’t you come to my office tomorrow?” He tossed his card on the bed before moving away to the door.

Fucking bastard.

Author’s note : My whole life is filled with regrets .

#jungkook smut #bts smut #ts fics #jungkook fics #bts fanfic #jungkook mafia au #bts mafia au

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jalapeno-princess · 3 years

Text

“Babe, what are you doing?” You finished folding the top you were currently holding and placed it in to your suitcase before turning towards your boyfriend and observing the look of genuine curiosity on his face. Mark had just arrived home after his shift at the hospital; you had a feeling he must have been exhausted and you couldn’t blame him.

Since a few of his colleagues either called in sick or went on vacation this past week, he’s been working overtime and it was obvious the extra hours were taking a toll on his mental and physical health. But he was never one to complain and he sincerely loved being a nurse. Working in the medical field was one of the more tiresome occupations and so you understood that all he probably wanted to do was fall asleep. It was only 8:30 P.M., however, he would always go to bed as soon as he got home from work no matter what time it was.

Seeing you on the ground right outside of your closet, packing multiple pairs of your clothes away probably confused the hell out of him and he was most definitely not tired at all anymore. Sure, he came home wanting nothing more than to take a quick shower and go straight to bed with you wrapped tightly in his embrace, but now he had other plans.

“Packing.” He began to walk closer to where you were sitting and took his place next to you, his dumbfounded expression didn’t falter nor did it waver. You had to stifle back a laugh; you were confident he had an idea as to what you were doing, so you were well aware that your response wasn’t going to amuse him in any way.

“I can see that. Packing for what?”

“Girl’s trip.” Once you admitted your plans and the reason behind your packing, his look of confusion quickly turned in to that of a frown.

“I don’t remember us making plans to go somewhere. With who? Where are we going?”

“Not we Mark. Just Sophia, Riley, Julia and I.”

“Wait, what? Why? When? Where are you going? Why didn’t you tell me?” As much as you wanted to continue your packing, seeing his broken expression as he hesitantly reached for your clothes; as if he wanted to get you to stop tugged all but gently on your heartstrings.

“I told you a couple of days ago. Right after we finished—you know—“

“You mean to tell me, that you told me you planned on going on a trip with your friends after we finished making love? My head was obviously somewhere else—I was too busy in between your pretty thighs to even care about anything else but this beautiful body of yours—you did this on purpose babe. It’s as if you knew I would try to prevent you from going. I mean, you have every right to go and I’m not the kind of boyfriend to hold you back from having your fun and spending time with your friends, but any minute spent away from you feels like a fucking eternity and it’s sucks. I’m happiest whenever I’m with you and I’m sure you know it by now. No matter how shitty my day is at work, I put up with whatever life throws at me because I know I’m coming home to you. Now you’re leaving me all by myself for God knows how long—what am I going to do without you?”

When he first found you folding your clothes and sorting out your luggage, you found his curiosity extremely adorable. You expected this kind of reaction out of him; that’s just who Mark was. For someone who was only a few years away from reaching thirty, he could be such a big baby sometimes. However, that was a trait of your boyfriend’s that you admired the most about him. He was very sensitive; but that’s because he had one of the biggest hearts that anyone could own and he had a small amount of separation anxiety when it came to you.

It never bothered you though, it just showed that he loved and cared about you with his entire being. That information alone never failed to pull on your heartstrings. Seeing him so fragile right now; probably exhausted beyond belief after a long day yet on the verge of tears at the idea of being alone for a little while made you feel terrible. In the three years of your relationship, you never spent more than three days without each other. Wherever you went, Mark followed and vice versa. If you went to visit your family back home, he was right there next to you. If he went with his friends to an arcade, you would tag along even if gaming wasn’t your forte. A lot of your friends would jokingly refer to you and your boyfriend as magnets. The two of you stuck together like glue. You were never not together other than when either of you were at work.

Out of instinct and guilt for not informing him more about your plans, you crawled over to him and sat on his lap; wrapping your arms around his neck and placed a soft kiss on his jaw. He placed his face in the valley of your breasts and released a soft sigh. Mark was a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. He would shower you with his love on a daily basis—he did almost every single thing for you. He loved being able to help you and support you in any way he possibly could. If you were tired from taking on more hours at your job; he would cook dinner of the both of you. He would also wash the dishes, do the laundry, sweep and mop your apartment and sometimes he would even prepare breakfast for you and pack your lunches.

Your boyfriend was just a very thoughtful and considerate human being. He was the definition of a gentleman and even if he would remind you that he loved you at least five times a day, you could tell by his many sacrifices; you were his entire world. Hearing him confess how bothered the news of the trip made him only caused you to regret not putting more thought in to your decision. What started off as a joke just to see what kind of reaction you would illicit out of him was now something so much bigger; something that could have been prevented.

“It’s only a week Mark—“

“A week? An entire week? Seriously y/n? How long have you been planning this for and why do you seem so okay with the thought of being away from me?”

“Well, I was actually the last one to know. The girls didn’t tell me until the same night I told you. They just assumed I wasn’t going to go because they all know I don’t want to go anywhere you aren’t. God, we sound so pathetic. Sophia is joining the peace core in July, so she wants to spend as much time with us before she has to go away for two years. I wouldn’t go if that wasn’t the reason why they planned this entire trip. Jackson and Jinyoung seemed to take the news perfectly fine and I’ve heard that they are planning a trip of their own. I’m surprised that they didn’t reach out to you—“

“That’s because unlike them, I’m so far up your ass that I probably wouldn’t have any fun at all and it would be a waste of time and money if I were just moping the entire vacation. Plus, I don’t think I’d want to go with them anyway. The last time we went somewhere together, we almost got kicked out of a karaoke bar because Jackson’s dumb ass was being too loud. Humph, I’m really going to miss you. Damnit, what did you do to me? I never used to be this sappy before but here I am acting like it’s the end of the world since my girlfriend is going somewhere; probably going to have the time of her life with her friends while I do nothing but sit here like a loser until she gets back.”

You giggled softly at his words and beamed up at him; cupping his cheek with your palm before placing a few sweet kisses on his lips.

“We’re driving to Vegas—and luckily they already decided that it’s Riley whose in charge of getting us there so I will make sure to call you and text you whenever I get the chance. Trust me, I already tried to hint towards inviting you but they were quick to disagree. No boys on this trip—“

He pouted frustratingly once you said those words and wrapped his arms even tired around your sides. “Why not? I’m the best boyfriend out of our friend group let’s be honest here baby. The girls like me the most. Jackson talks too much and Jinyoung’s a petty asshole. I’m the quiet, mysterious and lighthearted boyfriend. I promise, you won’t even know that I’m there.”

You grazed your thumb against his cheek; trying your best to stifle back a laugh at his attempts to get you to reconsider. You were confident in the love your boyfriend had for you, but you weren’t sure how far he was willing to go in order to be with you at all times.

“Babe—“

“Fine, fine whatever. Go have your fun, you deserve it for all the hard work you had to suffer through in the last few weeks. But once you’re done putting away all your necessities, I want you on all fours. I need to fuck you tonight—no love making. I’m not going easy on you at all. I’m going to make sure your pussy is numb and your legs are jello once I’m done with you. Remember, five photos a day—make it ten. Two of the scenery, three of your gorgeous face I can never seem to take my eyes off of and five nudes. Oh, and I expect gifts. I want one of those five keychains and maybe a shirt that says I left my poor boyfriend home alone so that I could lose all my money playing slot machines—“

A breathy groan fell from his pretty lips as you elbowed him in his rib cage as your way to get him to stop talking. He was guilt tripping you and you’ve been with Mark long enough to know why he would do all that he did. You were also now very horny. It never failed to make you smile at an idiot knowing how soft spoken he was and how everyone around Mark assumed he must have been such a sweet, introverted guy. If only everyone knew just how much of a dominant, rough, animalistic and forceful man he was in the bedroom.

“That sounds like a great plan. Trust me my love, I’m going to miss you just as much as you’ll miss me. Before we do anything though, what are you going to do while I’m gone?”

“Wish I was a girl. Now, take off your clothes and let me hit it from the back. Maybe I can fuck you so hard you won’t be able to move and I’ll have to nurse you back to health. Preferably with my dick.”

#got7 imagines #mark tuan #got7 #mark tuan imagines #got7 mark

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thiswasinevitableid · 3 years

Note

2 bathtub and 9 folklore, sternclay, sfw, please!

Here you go! Barclay's design is based on a blue catfish.

He wanted the bigfoot assignment. Days spent tramping through the chilly forests of the pacific northwest instead of sweating off a pound a day in Louisiana swamps. But no, he’s assigned to the Loup Garou case until further notice, because one mammalian cryptid expert is as good as another.

It’s not like he’s devoted most of his career to bigfoot or anything.

Contrary to popular belief, FBI agents do not spend all their time in suits. As much as Stern aims to emulate Special Agent Dale Cooper, slacks and a suit jacket are not suitable for tromping through the mud and staving off the humidity. Between his outdoor wear and the tranquilizer rifle over his shoulder, he looks like he could be in some shitty seventies Sasquatch hunting movie.

His best lead is the strange, black fur he found near the location of the most recent sighting, and the ranger in the nearby national park assured him it didn’t come from any common wildlife. So it could be a human cursed to transform into a wolf every night. Or it could just be someone’s dog.

Dusk has come and gone before he turns back towards his cabin, rented for it’s proximity to the supposedly-Loup-Garou-harboring swamp and the reviews citing good water pressure and a large tub. Nothing like a nice bath or cold shower to wash off the heat and grime of the day.

A crack in the trees to his right. There’s something moving, paralleling him. He stops, nerves taught as a drawn bow.

The growl starts low, draws his eyes to a dark-furred shape creeping from the brush. It’s definitely canine, definitely bigger than him, and definitely sees him as dinner. Stern holds his ground, raises the rifle, not willing to fire until he’s certain this is his quarry. All doubts evaporate when it stands on its hind legs and howls. Human eyes lock onto him as the monster stalks forward.

Stern fires, hitting the werewolf in the shoulder. It doesn’t so much as stumble.

“Shit” He loads another dart, fires, and gets the exact same result. There’s no chance of outrunning it, and while he has his handgun he doesn’t want to resort to that unless he absolutely has to.

The creature lunges and Stern dodges, slipping into the water as a result. It swipes a claw out, which he keeps from his face by blocking it with the body of the rifle. His brief hope that the creature can’t swim is quashed when it prowls into the water after him. Something huge swim past his legs and he winces; if he dies by alligator instead of werewolf he’ll never hear the end of it.

As the monster surges forward, something huge bursts from the water between them, knocking Stern off balance in the process. His head goes under and when he scrambles up, spluttering, the werewolf is limping as fast as it can into the undergrowth. And floating face-down in front of him is a man, four jagged rips in his side tinting the water around them a sickly red.

“Sir?” Stern rolls the man over and, in spite of all his training, exclaims, “holy shit.”

The man doesn’t have legs. His hips give way to a smooth, grey-blue tail that twitches weakly when Stern touches him. The wound is visible here too, marring tail and torso alike. It doesn’t take a genius to put together what happened. Or that the Loup Garou won’t make it far with the bite the merman delivered. He could catch it. But he doubts the mer in front of him will survive without medical attention.

He loops his arms under a limp body and makes a mental note to never, ever tell Agent Hayes about this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barclays’ whole side is burning.

“Ow, Aubrey, easy with the healing.” He groans, rolling away from the feeling and immediately bonking his head on something cold and solid. Cracking an eye open reveals a white tub and wooden wall. Cautiously, he glances at his stomach and side and finds it bandaged. When he manages another half-turn, he finds a dark-wood bathroom with a human slumped against the wall. It’s the one he saved, though he’s down to a thin white shirt and what he knows to be boxers. For all the blood there must have been, the room and tub are spotless.

He raises up, hoping for a better look at a handsome face, only to catch his side on the edge of the tub.

“OWfuck!”

The man jolts awake, is by Barclay’s side in an instant, “Thank the lord, I was worried you’d lost too much blood to pull through.” He runs a hand through his black hair, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep, I was trying to monitor you for signs I’d have to give up and call the paramedics. I, um, assumed you didn’t want to just be dragged into a human hospital.”

“Yeah, no, not my fave.” His tail flutters awkwardly, “uh, why did you bring me here, then?”

“Because I wasn’t going to leave you to bleed out in a swamp. I learned field medicine for a reason; it’s nice to use it on someone other than myself. Or, well, not nice, but, um-”

“No, I get it. It’s just that, uh, I have lots of friends in the swamp. One of them probably woulda found me. You didn’t have to go to all this trouble or put me in a tub.”

“Oh.” The human sags a little, his confident smile faltering a moment.

“I mean, I really appreciate it. And it looks like you’re good at, uh, stitches and stuff.” He rubs his arms, “uh, sorry. I’m not used to waking up in unfamiliar guys bathtubs.”

“I’m not in the habit of keeping mermen in my tub so, um, I guess we’re even?” His smile is a little shyer, blue eyes reminding Barclay of a spring sky.

The mer holds out the hand on his uninjured side, “I’m Barclay.”

“Joseph” The man shakes it, “it’s nice to meet you. Is, um, is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable? Is the water alright? I can go get some from the swamp if that would be better.”

“As long as I don’t dry out I’ll be fine. Uh, do you have any food?”

“Some groceries, but if you want something specific I can run into town.”

Barclay weighs his hunger and wooziness against the desire not to reveal too much, and his stomach emerges triumphant, “Does this place have a take-out menu for the South Bank Cafe?”

“I...think so? Let me look” The human stands, walking out into another room on long legs that Barclay wants to loop around his waist, continues speaking as paper rustles, “I didn't know merpeople used take-out.”

“Uh, when they live close to humans they do. As long as some of those humans are willing to pick it up.”

Joseph returns, familiar pink menu in one hand and phone in the other, “What would you like?”

“Three fried oyster po’boys please.”

The human orders four of the sandwiches and some coconut cream pie on Barclay’s suggestion leaves the mer to nap while he goes to retrieve it. Charmingly, he puts all the food onto plates and pours the bottled sweet tea into glasses before arranging it on the bathroom floor.

“Cheers.” Joseph raises his glass. Barclay hesitates, trying to remember which human ritual this is, then clinks his own against it.

They barely talk until the plates are clean and Joseph is luxuriating in a second slice of pie, at which point the human explains what the fuck he was doing looking for a rougarou anyway. Barclay has given up on his desire to study the humans face as he eats and is laying on his back, eyes shut, feeling full and content in spite of the nagging pain in his side. Joseph reluctantly gave him painkillers, explaining he was worried about how human medicine would interact with mer biology. So far, all it’s done is made him drowsy.

“Barclay? Why did you get between me and the Loup Garou?”

“Because I didn’t want you to get killed. Like, for starters, I don’t want people to get hurt, and rougarous are nasty fuckers. But also when someone dies in the swamps, a lot of people blame mers for it. So it’s better if we keep humans from getting eaten on our turf.” He feels around for his tea, finds it when Joseph sets cool glass in his hand. His whole body is heavy.

A soft laugh, “Drugs kicking in?”

“Uh huh.”

A scuff as Joseph stands, “I’ll leave you to get some rest. I’m just in the next room, if you need me.” Two steps, then a pause, “actually, let me drain the tub some and put fresh water in.”

Barclay’s pretty sure he says thank you before he falls asleep.

---------------------------------------------------

Joseph wakes up at the cursing coming through the walls. Rounding the corner into the bathroom, he finds Barclay clutching his upper tail with one hand, gritting his teeth.

“What’s wrong?”

“Cramp, really fucking bad one, tends to happen when I get injured and can’t swim. Fuck me if I know why.”

“Here” he kneels next to the tub, water splashing onto his white tank top, “let me try rubbing it out. Is this the spot?”

“YeahOWoh, ohhhfuck” Barclay whimpers, “that’s helping, please keep going.”

He moves his fingers down the smooth skin, muscles spasming under his hands before they surrender to relaxation. Gradually Barclay un-tenses, his whimpers giving way to sighs, and Joseph isn’t really tending to his charlie horse anymore; he’s just petting his tail.

“Thanks, Jo-”

A scratch outside freezes them both. Joseph holds up his hand, signalling for Barclay to stay quiet. It’s the window. Something is opening the window. Worse, a count of five later, the cabin groans as something heavy reaches the floor.

His gun is in the other room, because he’s not about to sleep with it on his person. To get to it, he’ll have to put himself right in the path of the intruder dragging themselves across the floor.

The door creaks open, revealing red eyes in the darkness of the cabin.

“Shit.” He starts to stand, keeping himself between the threat and Barclay.

“There you are. Goodness, we were all worried sick.”

Joseph stays still, but Barclay tries to sit up, “Indrid!”

Their visitor slithers into the room, his upper body human but his tail reminding Stern of a Cottonmouth, “We’ve been looking for you all day; Dani found blood at your watch site but not you. I even swam to the park to ask Duck if he’d seen you.”

“Uh huh, I’m sure that was your only reason.”

“Hush.” He turns his alarming gaze on Joseph, “I saw you ending up with this human in many timelines, but I put off following them for fear of being seen. But he’s taking this rather well.”

“I’m an FBI agent with the UP. Handling strange phenomena with grace is basically my job.”

“Intriguing.” Indrid cocks his head, then his face goes blank for a moment. When life returns to it, he coils his tail to settle next to Barclay, “it seems the most positive timelines occur if you continue your convalescence here. In that case, I’ll leave you be and let the others know you’re alright. I’ll stop by again in a few days. And yes, Joseph, since you’re about to ask, I will knock this time.”

----------------------------------------------------------

Barclay spends most of the next three days eating and sleeping, the combination of pain and painkillers making him sluggish. Joseph is better company than he ever could have hoped for, changing his bandages and sharing meals while regaling him with stories of the world beyond the swamps.

The human rises early, so he’s usually gone to work by the time Barclay wakes up. He’s feeling better this morning, so his internal clock wakes him just as the sound of water in the sink fills the room.

Joseph is bent over, naked from the waist up and using a coffee mug to dump water onto his hair. Beside him is a tube labeled, “compact body wipes.”

“Uh, what are you doing?”

The human starts, but then replies, “getting ready for the day. I have to go into town to meet with the sheriff about this case.”

“Can’t you just use the tub? I can make room, it’s big enough for both of us.”

Joseph’s whole torso is going pink, “I, um, assumed you didn’t want me randomly turning up in your space naked.”

He shrugs, “I’m naked right now.”

“Right.” Joseph gingerly sets the mug down, “right. I guess you are. Um. I don’t mean to be rude, since this is mainly a difference in mer and human culture, but would you be willing to close your eyes while I shower?”

Barclay nods, scoots to the far end of the tub while Joseph pulls the plug to keep the bath from overflowing. Then he shuts his eyes, focuses on the splashes up his legs, the change in the tempo of the falling water that signals it hitting a human body. Joseph showers efficiently, turns the steam mint scented with one of the bottles he keeps in the corner of the tub. Then he’s telling Barclay to open his eyes, towel wrapped around his waist and smile on his face.

“I feel much better.”

Barclay doesn’t bother to hide his staring, “Me too.”

---------------------------------------

Joseph hasn’t liked bathtime this much since his uncle gave him that rubber Nessie bath toy when he was five. Barclay is a much more enjoyable companion, even with his eyes closed. Joseph's also taken to wearing swim trunks and just sitting with him in the tub under the pretense of cooling off from the heat.

It’s not like his morning or evening rinse off lacks competition; Barclay is well enough that, through the use of a wheelbarrow, he can take trips to the back porch of the cabin to swim. His strength has weakened as a result of bedrest, but he’s improving quickly, and Joseph will often end up in the water with him to help him with particular stretches.

The first time another mer pops out of the water, he jumps with a combination of joy and alarm. Courtesy of Indrid, all the merfolk in the area know Joseph is trustworthy, which means he has even more people to question for his research. This is especially good because it means he and Barclay can talk about things other than work when they’re together. Barclay’s friends also offer information about the Loup Garou. So much, in fact, that Joseph determines there is something much larger than a single monster at play and is able to convince Hayes to let him continue the investigation indefinitely until he finds his answers.

When he gets the okay from his boss, he and Barclay celebrate with a massive dinner on the deck. As the mer hauls himself up out of the water after his final dip he slips, splashing sideways into a muddy patch. By the time Joseph gets them both inside, their skin and clothes are a mess.

“Here, let me rinse us off before I fill the tub for you.” Joseph turns on the shower, awkwardly straddling Barclay’s tail as he reaches to detach the head. He knows the mer is staring at him, his usually gentle gaze gaining an edge the way it always does when Joseph is down to his underwear or swim trunks. It doesn’t bother him; it seems a fair trade off for all the times he’s admired Barclays back and tail as he swam.

He turns, intending to hand the showerhead to the mer, only to lose his footing to a splotch of mud. It’s a graceless landing on his knees and Barclays’s tail, narrowly missing the fresh scar.

“Shit, that was close.”

“No kidding.” Barclay picks up the showerhead, turning it to a softer setting and rinsing off his tail. A teasing edge enters his rumble, “careful, might think you’re looking for ways to keep me here forever.”

“I guarantee none of them involve hurting you” he shuts his eyes as he lets the mer clean his neck. Then snaps them open when Barclay chuckles.

“That mean you have thought of some.”

“Yes. Not, um, not that I’d ever act on them. As much as I love your company, I don’t want you stuck in my tub forever.”

“You just want me to visit every day?”

“Um-”

“Or take you swimming in the evenings?”

“I-”

“Or let me finally watch you shower with my eyes open?” He flicks his tail playfully.

“I’ll admit all those crossed...my...mind.” Time turns to ice as Barclay leads forward, nuzzling his nose before bringing their lips together.

“Crossed mine too. I was so happy when you said you were staying.” He strokes Joseph’s cheek, “there’s so many fucking things I wanna do with you now that I’m getting better.”

“How many of them involve this tub?” Joseph kisses a teasing line across his cheek.

An adoring growl, “Plenty, babe.”

#sternclay #agent stern/Barclay #taz amnesty #mermay #mermay fills

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writingblock101 · 4 years

Text

Are You Fucking Kidding Me? (Jason Todd x Reader)

What is a short Jason Todd fic? I don’t know her, so I broke this into two parts, again. Also, you can pry italics from my cold, dead hands. I had so much fun writing this, I really enjoy this debate. After this, I have a Harley Quinn!daughter request to write, so keep an eye out for that one.

Summary: As an ER nurse, you deal with a lot of shit, but Red Hood is not one of those things.

Warnings: Injuries are mentioned? It’s not very gory, this is very dialog heavy

Word Count: 4,000

You’ve seen a lot of shit working as a nurse in the emergency room. Last week, an eight-year-old who still wore pulls ups came in, despite being physically and mentally capable of learning how to use a toilet at an earlier age. Three nights ago, you watched a mother hug her teenage son and sob with relief after the doctor stitched his wrists up after a suicide attempt. Yesterday, you performed CPR on a three-week-old only for the infant to die. Some nights were better than others.

Then the Red Hood shows up in Gotham.

He’s fighting crime, you guess, but geez, is killing people really necessary? You might understand if it was someone like Joker or a serial killer or something, but this guy isn’t even going after the masked psychopaths that run around Gotham. He’s going after drug dealers. And not just throwing them in prison, no, he’s murdering them.

Seriously? Gotham is practically a superheroes’ playground, but this guy, this Red Hood is running around murdering drug dealers? Yeah, you understand what they’re doing is illegal, but come on, rape is also illegal and you don’t see rapists showing up dead on the news. Instead, you see some dude who was selling crack on the corner, dead.

And yeah, you might be slightly biased against using death to solve problems as someone who entered a field dedicated to saving lives, but this Red Hood dude? He’s kind of an idiot.

. . .

After a twelve-hour shift ending at 6 AM, you head to your apartment, hoping to relax, but that plan is promptly thrown out the door when you open your apartment door to see no one other than the Red Hood sitting on your couch, pointing a gun at you, and holding his side.

Are you fucking kidding me?

“Shut the door,” He orders quietly, his voice sounding just as gravely and deep as you figured it would.

You sigh, flick the lights on, and shut the door.

“Pretty convenient for you to break into a nurse’s apartment when you’re bleeding out,” You state boredly, setting your things on the counter. “I have a feeling that wasn’t luck.”

“You’re going to help me,” He threatens, cocking the gun.

You roll your eyes.

“Or what? You’re gonna shoot me and bleed out on my couch? Stellar plan.”

He slowly lowers his gun, probably hoping for more fear to be struck in your heart as opposed to sass.

“Will you please help me?” He asks quietly.

You huff to yourself and shake your head. Unbelievable. But, you go to your bedroom and dig out the trauma kit gifted to you by your sister’s military medic husband. Stupid murdering criminal or not, he’s trying to do some good in the city, you guess, so you’re not going to let this dumbass bleed out on your couch.

“Scoot over,” You command as you walk back into the living room then sit down next to Red Hood and snap on a pair of gloves.

He shifts and removes his hand, letting you look at the deep stab wound which is oozing yellowish discharge and has scabbing gathered around the edges. It seems to be an old wound that got infected then reopened. A ripped Kevlar vest is discarded on the couch. How the fuck?

“I wasn’t going to shoot you,” He mutters.

“Really?” You retort sarcastically, digging for disinfectant in your bag. “You know, I was always taught that you only point a gun at someone you have the intention of shooting,” You glare at him, but he looks away sheepishly.

“It was supposed to be extra motivation. It’s hard to tell who hates me and I’m kind of desperate.”

“I wonder why," You mutter sarcastically.

You grab a pair of scissors from your bag and cut a bigger hole in his shirt to expose more of the wound then begin cleaning out the infection.

“I’m guessing you’re not my biggest fan.”

“Wow, you’d really give Batman a run for his money with that whole “world’s greatest detective” status,” You remark dryly.

“Well, do I even get to hear your gripes against me?”

You sit up and stare at him.

“Why bother asking? I know you don’t give a shit,” You continue cleaning the wound, your teeth grinding against each other.

He shrugs.

“Yeah, not really,” Red Hood admits. “But you’re keeping me from dying so I could at least listen.”

“How the hell did you do this?” You demand, ignoring his last question. “It looks like you got stabbed, but you were wearing Kevlar. Who gets stabbed in a gunfight?”

“Someone that isn’t expecting the other guy to be carrying a knife sharp enough to cut through Kevlar,” He snaps.

“It’s almost like people have started picking up on your M.O. and are arming themselves,” You roll your eyes. “Crazy.”

“Seriously, what is your issue with me?!”

You pause to put away the disinfectant and pull out a suture kit, but before you thread the needle, you stop to look Red Hood in the eye through his stupid helmet.

“I’m in a field dedicated to saving lives. What do you think my issue with you is?”

He scoffs.

“Great, another person with the morals of Batman. Should I also toss down some pillows before they hit the ground? They’re drug-dealing pimps!”

“Yeah, they’re pieces of shit, but out of all the shitbags in this city, you’ve decided that drug dealers are the ones worth killing?! I’d understand having them arrested, but murder? It’s overkill,” You grumble, beginning to stitch up his side.

“You underestimate how much of the crime in Gotham is controlled by the drug trade.”

You roll your eyes again.

“Yeah, maybe I do, but who died and gave you the power to be the judge, jury, and executioner?”

“I’m cleaning up Gotham! I’m doing what Batman won’t do!”

“Have you ever considered that the ideas of good and evil are subjective?” You snap. “It’s not always so black and white. Sometimes people make mistakes or get desperate and they’re scared. They think this is their only out and they’re too wrapped up in their own lives to consider the consequences. They don’t deserve to die! Send them to prison!”

“You haven’t seen the type of evil that plagues Gotham,” Red Hood responds darkly.

“Oh bullshit! I see the worst side of humanity every fucking night! Three hours ago, I helped a doctor stitch up a two-year-olds head because her mom’s shitty boyfriend grabbed her by the legs and slammed her into a wall because she was crying. Even I know that this shit isn’t black and white.”

“Yeah, you’re right, send them to prison, then five months later they’re walking the streets again, doing the same shit! People don’t change.”

“You don’t give them the chance to change.”

“They’ve already proven they don’t deserve that chance!”

“For dealing drugs? Come on, you gotta see that killing them is kind of extreme!”

“I don’t.”

You groan, shaking your head.

“This is why I didn’t even want to bother to have this conversation. I know I’m not going to change your mind.”

“I’ve got bigger fish to fry.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going after drug dealers right now to get someone else’s attention.”

“So, what about all these people you’re killing to “get someone’s attention”? What are they? Means to an end?”

“I don’t see one less drug-dealing pimp on the street being a bad thing.”

“I don’t see one more drug-dealing pimp in prison being a bad thing. You murdered five people last night--”

Red Hood scoffs.

“That they know about.”

You roll your eyes and tie off the last stitch then prepare the bandages to cover the fresh stitches.

“It doesn’t fucking matter,” You growl, wrapping up his side with gauze and tape. “You murdered five people, all under the age of twenty-two last night.”

“Your point?”

“My point is they’re stupid kids who don’t deserve to die!” You snap. “They’re young and stupid and unaware! Let them go to prison! They don’t deserve to die!”

“Like I said, all of this is to take out someone bigger.”

“Really?” You raise an eyebrow. “And who’s this “bigger” person?”

“You’ll see soon enough, and you’ll thank me,” He hisses.

“Right,” You nod, placing the last piece of tape. “I’m sure I will.”

As you pack up your supplies and gather any bloodied material, you walk Red Hood through the aftercare for his stitches.

“Keep them covered for forty-eight hours and try not to reopen them. You really don’t want to stretch the skin too much. Don’t shower for twenty-four hours, then you can start washing them with soap and water. Rest and laying down will help with pain and swelling,” You glance over at him, slowly nodding along with what you’re saying. “If it gets infected again… Go to the hospital or something.”

Red Hood nods then slowly stands up, carefully puts his jacket on, and heads to your window. He slides the window open and rests a foot on your window sill.

“Hey!” You protest. “What did I just say about not stretching the skin?!”

“I don’t think your neighbors would be pleased to see me roaming the hallways,” He remarks dryly. “Besides, I don’t need some drug lord to know I have a loose end in this apartment complex.”

“Whatever,” You groan.

Rip your stitches out, see if I care, dumbass.

“Thanks for the stitches,” He fully steps out the window then pauses and pops his head back inside. “Oh, and those five dudes you saw on the news? The ones under twenty-two or whatever? Yeah, they were dealing to twelve-year-olds,” Then he disappears with the last word.

Twelve-year-olds? Even you will admit, that’s pretty despicable, but still.

“Good riddance,” You mutter to yourself, going back to your bedroom for a shower.

Red Hood is an asshole.

. . .

Two weeks passed and as you hoped and expected, you didn’t open your apartment door to a gun being pointed at you. You figured that night was the last night you’d see the Red Hood unless he was on the news, and you were very content with that. While the news of killing the dealers who dealt to kids was surprising and slightly admirable, you had no desire to see him again.

So, you can imagine your annoyance when you open your apartment door to see a familiar figure sitting on your couch.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” You groan. “What, no gun this time?”

Red Hood chuckles.

“Well, I would just because, but I don’t have the means to hold my arms up right now.”

Your eyebrows furrowed together and you drop your stuff on the counter before walking over to him.

“What the hell did you do this time?”

“I uh… Dislocated one shoulder, which I would put back in place myself, but my other elbow and wrist are broken, so I kind of… can’t.”

“Uh-huh…” You say slowly then eye his leather jacket, hiding his arms and shoulders. “Hopefully we don’t need to cut this off, because I’m not sure I have scissors strong enough to get through leather on hand.”

“You better not cut my fucking jacket,” He grumbles.

“Well, you should’ve thought about that before dislocating your shoulder and breaking your elbow and wrist!”

“Right, because I definitely left my apartment thinking you know what would be fun tonight? Getting my ass kicked!” Red Hood retorts sarcastically.

“Who did you lose to?”

“Nobody,” He snaps.

“Really? Because this doesn’t look like a victory to me,” You gesture at his arms.

“The other guys look worse,” He responds smugly.

You roll your eyes.

“Yeah, I’m sure they do,” You mutter digging two splints, tape, and gauze out of your expansive first aid kit. “You bleeding anywhere?” You ask, sitting down on the couch next to him.

“Not this time,” He grumbles.

“How are your stitches healing?” You ask, unraveling the gauze.

“Fine.”

“Alright, let’s try to get your jacket off,” You focus on his right arm first, the one with the dislocated shoulder, and carefully push the jacket off his arm.

He winces, barely audible, but you manage to get the jacket off his right arm.

“Now this side will be fun,” You groan, moving over to Red Hood’s left side.

You easily pull his jacket off his left shoulder, but once you reach the elbow, the jacket gets stuck. Understandably, his elbow has swelled so pushing the jacket down isn’t an option.

“You really don’t want me to cut this?” You ask, frowning at the leather.

“If it’s avoidable,” He responds in a pained voice.

Although he’s been fairly quiet, you know he’s in a lot of pain.

“Okay,” You sigh, thinking over your options. “Well, we’re not going to be able to push it off. Your elbow is too swollen… But, I could grab the cuff and carefully pull it off. It’s going to hurt really bad though--”

“Do you think you could get it in one yank?”

“Um… Maybe? But that might mess your elb--”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to sit here for twenty minutes while you try to be gentle. Just yank the damn thing off.”

“...Okay,” You blink. “Um… let’s see… How much can you straighten your arm?”

He pulls his arm out at a slightly awkward angle.

“That’s the best I got,” He says through gritted teeth. “And I can’t hold it for long.”

“Right,” You quickly stand up to get the best leverage, then grab the cuff with both hands. “Okay, ready?” Then you yank as hard as you can and the jacket comes off.

Red Hood yells then doubles over in pain, his head against your coffee table. He continues cursing, banging on the table before finally sitting up, breathing heavily through his helmet.

“Holy shit, you weren’t kidding about it hurting.”

“Yeah,” You nod. “But it’s off and your jacket isn’t cut, so the next question is what do you want to be done first-- your arm splinted or for me to relocate your shoulder?”

He groans.

“Wow, they both sound like so much fun.”

“Splinting probably won’t be that bad after pulling the jacket off,” You note. “I found an old wrist brace in my stuff so I’ll use that on your wrist then the splint for your elbow.”

He nods along, probably still recovering from the force it took for you to yank his jacket off so you start splinting his elbow and wrist.

“You’re actually going to have to rest,” You tell him, finishing up the tight wrappings. “Broken bones are no joke, you’re actually going to have to rest if you want to heal.”

“Yeah, yeah I know,” He grumbles.

You move to his shoulder and maneuver his arm into place.

“Alright, you ready?”

He nods.

“Okay, I’m going to count to three. One, two--” Then you shift his shoulder into place, rolling the ball back into his socket.

“Shit!” Red Hood doubles over. “I thought you were going to count to three!”

“It’s a trick for putting stuff back in place,” You explain, putting away any extra supplies. “If I had put your shoulder back when I said I was going to, your body would tense up in preparation and make it harder to put it back.”

“Right,” He grumbles, rolling his shoulder then stands up to leave. “Thanks for the help.”

“Wait,” You call to him as he reaches the window. “Why did you wait so long to tell me that the dealers you killed were dealing to kids?”

He shrugs with one shoulder.

“Does it really matter to you?”

“Kind of! I’m not on board with killing people,” You remind him. “But at least it makes slightly more sense.”

“I don’t go around justifying myself to people. You rather agree or get the hell out of my way.”

“What a motto,” You roll your eyes. “Do you kill everyone you don’t agree with?”

“You’re still alive,” He points out.

“How reassuring. What, do you have only child syndrome or something?”

“Stop trying to guess shit about me, you suck at it,” He snaps. “See you next time, doc.''

“I guess I don’t get any say in that matter, do I?”

“As long as I’m the one holding the gun, nope,” He winks, stepping out of your window.

“Guess I’ll just have to invest in a gun then,” You retort.

Red Hood snorts and fully steps onto the fire escape outside your window.

“You won’t shoot me.”

“You don’t know that!” You protest.

“Yeah, I do,” Then he hops off the railing, already ignoring your advice to rest his injuries.

“I might,” You mutter to yourself. “Go break your arms again, see if I give a fuck,” You mumble angrily, walking to your bedroom.

Red Hood still an asshole.

. . .

Two months later, you open your apartment door to be greeted by a familiar gun. You sigh, locking the door behind you.

“I thought we moved past the whole “threatening me with a gun” thing?” You roll your eyes.

“Last time doesn’t count,” Red Hood reasons through a pained voice. You notice he’s laying down this time instead of sitting up. “I couldn’t hold up a gun.”

“What did you do this time?” You ask boredly.

“Got blown up,” He responds casually. “I think I got some stuff stuck in my chest.”

“If you stain my couch, being blown up won’t be your biggest problem tonight,” You growl at him.

“Love it when you threaten me,” Red Hood remarks with an eye roll.

“Shut up,” You mutter, grabbing your trauma kit. “I don’t know how I became your personal “doc in the box”,” You grumble, sitting down next to him.

“Because you keep helping me.”

“I don’t know why I keep doing that either.”

“Probably morals or some shit.”

“How ironic of me,” You remark.

Red rolls his eyes.

“I have morals.”

“Would’ve fooled me,” You retort, looking over the shrapnel lodged in his chest.

“Last time I talked to you, you seemed impressed I actually killed people doing really shitty things.”

“I know every drug dealer you kill isn’t dealing to kids. It doesn’t cancel each other out.”

“They all have the potential to,” He points out.

“Yeah, and every person has the potential to be a serial killer, but you don’t see me going around murdering every person I can find,” You snap on a pair of gloves then use a pair of tweezers to begin picking out shrapnel.

“No, but you certainly wouldn’t let the ones holding a knife to people’s throats go free.”

You clench your jaw, already annoyed.

“Who tried to blow you up?”

“Batman.”

“Nice,” You nod. “And somehow, you still think you’re in the right.”

“You don’t know shit about Batman or the things he’s done.”

“You sound like every other masked psychopath in this city with a vendetta against Batman.”

Red snatches your wrist, squeezing tightly.

“I am nothing like them,” He growls out.

“Really?” You ask, unphased by his grip on you. “And what makes you different?”

“I’m being what Gotham needs.”

“That’s a pretty subjective answer, if you ask me. You don’t think someone like Two-Face at one point thought he was being what Gotham needed? Or what about Catwoman and Poison Ivy? They seem to be a lot like you.”

“The villains that run around Gotham, they don’t fear Batman,” Red releases your wrist. “You wanna know why? Because they know he won’t kill them. But they’re scared of me because they’ll know I’ll finish the job. Gotham doesn’t need justice. She can’t even carry out justice. She needs an iron fist, vengeance.”

“Gotham needs a lot of things, someone else going around killing people is not one of those things,” You mutter, dropping the last piece of shrapnel on a paper towel you laid out.

“You’re right, we don’t need anyone else going around killing innocent people, so it’s a good thing I’m not killing innocent people.”

“So, what happens when that line becomes blurred?” You ask, sitting up for a moment to look at Red Hood. “What happens when your judgment becomes clouded and it turns out the people you thought were evil aren’t actually evil? What happens when you start killing innocent people?”

“I won’t let it get to that point.”

“Nobody thinks it’ll get to that point,” You point out, beginning to clean out the cuts.

“Yeah, well, I have certain… past experiences that set me apart.”

“Really?” You raise your eyebrows. “And what’s your tragic backstory that sets you apart?”

“None of your business,” He snaps. “And also not what I am referring too. Didn’t anyone tell you about what happens when you make assumptions?”

You roll your eyes then grab a pair of scissors and cut a small section of Red Hood’s shirt only to be met with the strangest thing you’ve ever seen in all your years of practicing medicine.

“Is this…” You stare at the scar longer, just to be sure. “Is this an autopsy scar?!”

“Don’t worry about it,” He brushes you off quickly.

“Holy fuck it totally is,” You curse. “Who are you?!”

“You know, the whole point of the helmet is for you to not know the answer to that.”

“You literally have an autopsy scar! And you’re not going to give me any explanation for that?”

“Nope. It’s none of your business, sweetheart.”

“Don’t call me sweetheart,” You growl.

“Then stay out of my business.”

“You brought your business to my apartment when you broke in and threatened me with a gun!”

“And?”

“What do you mean “and”?!”

“And none of what you just said makes me obligated to tell you shit!”

“I’ve kept you from dying, multiple times!”

“So? You’re not the only one.”

“Are you fucking serious?! Dude, you have an autopsy scar! Do you know what that means?!”

“I would love to hear your thoughts.”

“You rather got tortured by someone who is seriously twisted, or you straight up died and were dead long enough for an autopsy to be performed and are now somehow alive.”

He pauses then slowly nods.

“Yeah, that actually just about sums up what happened.”

“Which one?”

“Both.”

“...What?!”

“I gave you an explanation! Can you just finish?!”

“None of your explanation makes sense! How are you alive?!”

“I don’t know!” He snaps. “And I’ve had a shitty night so I’d really like to leave so can you please finish?!” His voice cracks on the last word.

You frown but know you’re not getting any further explanation. Instead, you finish stitching Red up without another word. He stands up and carefully puts his jacket back on and walks toward the window. Before opening it, he stops and glances back at you.

“I’m… I’m not fully sure how I am alive. All I know is I woke up in my coffin. I died a few years back and a lot of shit happened and now I’m here, for better or for worse.”

You stare at him for a moment then frown.

“Are you… okay? Not physically, but mentally?”

He chuckles humorlessly.

“Not really. Dying kind of fucks you up. Coming here is fun though. You don’t take any of my shit and it… It makes me feel like myself again. Thanks for the stitches, Doc,” Then he opens the window and disappears into the night.

You stare dumbfounded at the window. Red Hood is still an asshole, but he just got a whole lot more complicated.

Part two is soon! Wow, I went from never writing multiple parts to needing to split them up because I really love writing for Jason. I’ve also been so blown away by all the love I’ve received on White Flag. Thank you guys so much!

Part 2

#Jason Todd #Red Hood #Jason Todd x Reader #Red Hood x Reader #Jason Todd Imagine #Red Hood imagine #jason todd headcannon #red hood headcannon #DC #Outlaws #red hood and the outlaws #DC comics #jason needs someone to call him out on his shit #er

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vikingpoteto · 4 years

Text

we don’t have to dance (to the beat of their songs)

Chapter 3 on AO3 ______________________

Relationships: (Gen) Tim Drake & Jason Todd

Tags: Battle for the Cowl, Alternate Canon, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Neglect, Domestic Fluff, Canon is not valid I am, and I want them to be friends goddamnit

Summary: In the middle of their battle, Jason asks Tim to leave the nest and be his Robin. Tim decides it's not a bad idea, after all. ________________________

When the cast comes off his leg, Jason sighs in relief. Casts are a bitch and he can’t believe he survived four weeks walking around like a zombie.

And, well, he technically is a zombie, but still.

The nurse barely has time to set aside the now useless pieces of cast before Jason eagerly stretches his arm. He tries not to take offense in the patronizing smile the man gives him. Jason supposes he isn’t the person acting like having their arm in a cast is hell — because it is — but he can go without the little smirk, thank you very much. He would’ve removed the damn thing on his own, except it’s his dominant arm stuck in the cursed thing and he didn’t want to risk any new injuries. It’s the first time in over a month that he has no major wounds. And that’s considering that the pit gave him a faster healing rate than your average Joe.

“There’s a crack here,” the nurse comments.

“Hm. I had to fight a criminal. They were annoying, so I hit them with my cast,” Jason says.

The nurse gives him a forced chuckle as though he thinks Jason is joking. Or, well, that Todd Peters is joking. He doesn’t need to know Jason’s real name or that he’s completely serious. He must be new. They’re not in Gotham, but they’re close enough that having to beat a random crook with a cast shouldn’t be that outlandish.

The annoying noise of the saw fills the room again and Jason does his best to stay put. While telling Dick to fuck off after their fight had been satisfying — a silver lining after having his ass handed back to him, if you must — letting himself fall to what could’ve been his second death wasn’t Jason’s smartest move. And definitely not worth having to drag his own broken ass home, ruin his wounded body even more as he struggled to change into civies. Never mind having to face the humiliation of seeking a public hospital and pretending he had somehow walked away from getting hit by a bus. That had been fun, but he would not recommend it.

“There you go,” the nurse says. “You’re free as a bird, Mr. Peters.”

Jason flexes his fingers in relief. As a bird. What a joke.

When he walks out of the hospital with a medical bill that will most certainly never get paid — although it’s tempting to send it to Wayne Enterprises just to let them know Jason is alive and now ready to kick their asses again — he remembers the second time someone told him he could be Robin.

It had been Tim.

He hadn’t thought about that night in quite a while, mostly because he couldn’t believe it really happened. It was before they freaking sent him to Arkham, but after Jason got rid of (most of) the green mist in his mind that had him foaming at the mouth with unchecked anger. Robin swooped in right in the middle of one of Jason’s busts and somehow managed to knock out as many criminals as he protected from lethal shots. After they were done, he had approached Jason and deadass asked him if he would consider being Robin again.

Just like that. Jason thought he was joking.

Then Tim Drake, in all his 14 year-old glory, his voice still cracking a bit, deadpanned: “I only took over because someone had to. But now that you’re back, it only makes sense that you go back to your family.”

Jason was so stunned he doesn’t remember what he said next. Probably something about shooting the kid if he caught him in his territory again. He’s pretty sure the little shit rolled his eyes at him before jumping off the roof. Jason had the distinct feeling that Bruce never heard about that small mishap.

For quite a while, Jason tried his hardest not to think about what he left in Gotham. It was hard when he was too injured to move, but books helped him through it, as always. Now, however, he was free as a robin and he has a decision to make: what is he going to do next?

The trip to the shitty motel he’s staying at takes no time at all, his feet getting him there while his mind was elsewhere. He’s thinking so hard of Gotham that at first he thinks he’s losing his marbles when he sees a familiar face. Jason freezes on his tracks.

Tim Drake is casually leaning against Jason’s door. He tilts his head to the side and cocks an eyebrow in challenge, as though letting him know that he is very much real and not an hallucination.

“How the fuck —” Jason starts. Then he decides against it. “You know what? I don’t want to know. Forget you found me.”

Tim rolls his eyes. “I happen to have a really good memory, though.”

“It sure doesn’t look like it, considering it seems you forgot I tried to kill you last time we saw each other.”

“You mean when you could’ve killed me, but you didn’t?”

It takes all of Jason’s flimsy self-control not to punch him. Tim stands there, his arms still crossed, his eyebrows vanishing under his too-long bangs, and it’s almost as if he’s daring Jason to hit him, to lose his cool. Doing so would be letting him win and Jason isn’t about to do that.

He has half a mind to appreciate the fact that Tim had been waiting for him in the hallway, though. Even Dick hadn’t been that considerate in the past, always favoring the good old breaking into people’s homes like Bats taught them. It annoys him to no end that the kid somehow always knows what little things will mulify Jason.

“I just wanna talk,” Tim says.

“I haven’t been active lately”

Tim doesn’t even flinch. “That’s a lie.”

“How did Dick find me?” Jason groans.

“He didn’t. I did,” still in that annoying flat voice.

“And you want me to believe he didn’t follow you?”

“I don’t think so, since I haven’t seen him in a month.”

That catches Jason’s attention. He considers the boy in front of him. Rumor has it that Tim Drake manages to be even more elusive than the rest of them, and Jason believes that. He believes that a child that stalked Batman and Robin for so long is nothing short of impressive. He heard Tim was the only person able to lie to Batman.

Something makes him think Tim isn’t lying now.

With a sigh, he fishes the keys from his pocket and opens the door. Pretends not to see the kid’s annoyingly cocky smile.

Jason doesn’t know much about Tim other than his M.O. as Robin and parts of how he joined the Bat cult. He knows he was already a rich kid before becoming Robin, but if the kid has any reaction to Jason’s crappy hotel room, he doesn’t show.

Jason drops on the couch with a groan. Tim stands around with a blank expression and, if Jason didn’t know any better, he’d think the kid is nervous. He gestures at the empty mismatched armchair by his side, and only then does the kid take a seat. Silence stretches.

“So? You said you wanted to talk. Talk.”

It’s almost impossible to notice, but Tim takes a slow breath before starting: “When we fought… you asked me to be your Robin,” he says. “Did you mean it?”

Jason quirks an eyebrow up. “What kind of question is that?”

“Did you seriously consider taking me as a sidekick?” Tim insists. “It’s a yes or no question.”

Jason sits back and crosses his arms, keeping his expression schooled into something neutral. He hadn’t thought about that night — at least not on purpose — since then. However, in the fleeting moments his mind forced him to relive it, he couldn’t help but think about his spur of the moment offer. Because that’s what it had been. An impulsive thought.

However…

“I meant it,” he says, his voice neutral. “In our field, it’s a pain to work alone. I know you have skills, so having you work for me would’ve been useful.”

And that’s the truth, or at least most of it. Tim presses his lips into a tight line and nods slowly, as though he’s readying himself for something.

“And you still think that?”

“What kind of game are you playing, Replacement?” Jason snaps.

“I’m not playing anything. I’m here to offer you my services, sort of.” Tim gives him a crooked smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “We can go over my resume, if you want.”

Jason’s chin drops. He can’t help it. His stunned silence lasts long enough that Tim’s fake smirk slips from his face and, despite his best efforts to keep the cool facade, Jason can see he’s distraught somehow.

“You said that that would mean working for a psychopathic killer,” Jason reminds him.

“I remember distinctly saying sure, why not? to your offer, too. Also you called me worse things, you don’t get to be sensitive about name calling now.”

“Why?” Jason presses.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Tim deflects.

“I asked first.”

“I asked second.”

Jason sighs. “You suck at job interviews.”

“To be fair, I’m a trust fund baby. I’m not supposed to go through job interviews.”

Jason sighs. He doesn’t know what to think. On one hand, he is a detective. He was trained to recognize lying, to know when he’s being played with. On another, the boy in front of him isn’t your everyday crime alley crook, but an equal. Maybe superior, in some circumstances. He could have a plan inside a plan to completely fuck Jason over — and he kind of should, considering Jason almost killed him a couple of times… and Damian… and Dick.

“What does Bat 2.0 think of you switching career paths?”

“Again, I haven’t seen him in a month.”

“Yeah, I’m not buying that. I haven’t kept close tabs on what’s happening in Gotham, but I know Batman and Robin are still active.”

Tim hesitates. Jason waits patiently. Finally, a little annoyance in his voice betraying his frustration, the younger boy admits:

“Dick fired me. There’s a new Robin.”

Jason snorts. “You’re fucking with me.”

Tim looks down, saying nothing.

Jason starts laughing out loud. “Oh my God, you’re shitting me right? So the Replacement has been replaced! And you decided to come to me of all people for a new job? You want us to be Evil Batman and Evil Robin to good ol’ Bitchard?”

It’s funny, if you think about it. The Robin that got killed and the Robin that got dumped, joining forces to represent failure as the holier than thou golden boy becomes the epitome of heroism. He can’t stop laughing.

Jason expects Tim to get angry. He expects Tim to lash out and tell him to fuck off, say that he knew coming here was a waste of time and storm off. The longer Jason’s mockery goes, however, the quieter the boy gets. His expression is carefully empty, although there is an unnameable storm behind his gaze. Sometimes, Tim is so similar to Bruce — stoic, a mind like a maze, a smug little shit - Jason forgets about all the ways in which he’s Bruce’s complete opposite. Tim doesn’t do lashing out. Not usually, at least.

When Jason’s hollow laughter dies, the kid is sitting there as though nothing phases him. Not because he is a big bad bat with no emotions, but because he knows better than to show them.

The older boy breathes out slowly. “Alright, I’ll bite it. What exactly are you thinking, Pretender? Be brief and straight, I don’t have all day.”

There’s a beat. The kid is clearly trying to organize his ideas. That’s a first. Little Timmy usually has a plan from the get go.

“I want to be useful,” he says. And that’s the truest thing Tim said all day. There is something raw in his voice that grabs Jason’s attention. Something that Tim hides before Jason can name it. “You said it yourself. We can do better if we work together. Not as Batman and Robin, of course not. Just as ourselves.”

Jason crosses his arms and starts tapping a finger to his arm. “I don’t believe you’re planning on killing anyone.”

“Good, because I’m not going to.”

“Then? You’re gonna watch while I do the dirty job? Or you think you can stop me?”

There’s a subtle quirk of Tim’s lips. Jason curses inwardly knowing the little satisfied smirk is there because Jason is negotiating. As though he already accepted this insane proposition.

“I don’t think I can stop you every time,” Tim concedes. “We can make a deal, though. With me by your side, you won’t have to resort to murder that often. You promise me you’ll only kill if there’s no other way and, in exchange, I promise you I’ll make sure your cases will be solved a lot faster.”

“You’re awfully confident for someone that just got fired,” Jason deadpans.

“I got fired a month ago.”

“You’re awfully confident for someone that’s been sitting on their ass for a month.”

“I was actually working with the League of Assassins.”

That gives Jason a pause. “I’m sorry, you were what ?”

“There was a case I couldn’t solve on my own. Dick wouldn’t help. Ra’s did.”

“And, what, after working with Ra’s freaking Al Ghul you just decided it was time for a change of scenery?”

“I mean, for starters I like you a lot more than Ra’s. Second, Ra’s kinda fired me too.”

“Again, you’re really bad at this job interview thing.”

Tim smirks. “To be fair, I took everything I needed then ruined a lot of League business before bailing on him, so…”

And then there is that. Jason can count on one hand the things he knows about Tim Drake. One, he found out the identities of Batman, Nightwing and Robin II at age nine. Two, he was a rich kid and neighbor to the Waynes and now he has no family left, just like Jason. Three, he is annoyingly perfect and it makes Jason feel like shit. Four, he is the most unpredictable little shit to ever exist.

And last but not least, he trusts Jason. Jason doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know if that makes him stupid or a genius in a way mere mortals can’t comprehend. Nonetheless, he has this unshakeable faith in Jason like no one had before. Not even Dick, who was supposed to be his brother. Jason doesn’t know what to make of it.

“So Ra’s is after your stupid ass and you want me to be your bodyguard?”

“When Ra’s comes for me, I’ll have a plan to deal with him. Whether you’re a part of it or not, that’s up to you. Don’t worry about it for now.”

He sounds like he has everything under control. Jason knows how to sound like that, too. All of the batlings do. Their entire lives they’re just playing it cool, looking dark, brooding and mysterious while inside they have no idea what’s going on nor how they’ll survive.

“Come on,” Tim says, rolling his eyes. “You worked with back up and you worked alone. You know which one is better.”

“I’m a literal crime lord,” Jason reminds him.

“That’s not the same. Having someone that knows who you are behind the mask makes all the difference in the world.”

Neither of them are addressing the elephant in the room, though. The biggest question looming over them. That’s also a bat thing. Both are aware, none speaks of it, and a taste of something unsolved is making their mouths bitter. The worst part is that they know the answer, even if it’s left unsaid, but do they really? Are they really arrogant to assume they know each other enough, that they’re smart enough to be aware of the truth?

Why did you offer to take me in?

Why do you want to join me now?

Two questions. One answer.

“I’ll think about it,” Jason says.

Tim’s smile is blinding. He knows a backhanded yes when he hears one. “I’m looking forward to hearing from you, Hood.”

“Piss off before I shoot you.”

Tim snickers and stands to leave. Jason keeps listening after the door closes, after the footsteps vanish down the hallway. He can still hear the sounds of traffic down the street, maybe the indistinct chatter from the neighbors. It still feels too quiet and the egg sized apartment could as well be as big as a manor after Tim leaves.

The answer to both questions is I don’t want to be alone anymore .

#red hood #jason todd #red robin #tim drake #batfam fanfic #batfam #poteto writing

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monst · 5 years

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Request: Toga x Fem!Reader; Fem!reader as a med school student/doctor and Toga running on a treadmill while connected to a heart monitor as part of a stress test, the stress proving too much for Toga's heart, resulting in a massive heart attack/cardiac arrest and fem!reader must revive her. Feel free to tweak this to your liking.

Flatline

Toga Himiko x Med. Student Reader

Warnings: Intense, Shitty medical Knowledge (Sorry majoring in business)

This dead took me a while and, I’m not even gonna front I got so emotional writing this. Well I hope you like it babe.

‘ogta Hokimi’

You couldn’t help but snort at the anagram of the name written on the document. You shook your head as you walked into the room where ‘Ogta’ was waiting.

“Is Miss Hokimi ready to go?” You asked the doctor.

Dr. Fushimi was leaning onto the counter as she scribbled illegible words on her clipboard. The patient sat atop the hospital cot her dangling legs swinging. You took the time to send her a smile prompting the doctor to ask another standard question.

“Miss Hokimi this is (Name) she is a medical student interning here and, we’d like to ask if it’s okay with you if she assists in the stress test today?” The medic asked.

“Sure!” She chirped her golden eyes curving into a smile. “There’s not problem with (Name)-chan being there.”

Dr. Fushimi laughed at her enthusiasm and motioned for both of you to follow. In front of your superior you kept a straight face but, internally you were rolling your eyes so hard they rammed into your brain. You had told her to act like you didn’t know each other. You maintained an air of professionalism as you felt ‘Ogta’ grip onto the sleeve of your medical scrub. You didn’t make a move to shrug her off but, you did look over at her.

‘What?’ You mouthed.

‘You look so cool in your medical clothes!’ She ‘replied’.

‘Whatever…’ You ‘said’ your face growing warm.

“And, here we are.” The doctor announced as she opened the door for you both. With your silent conversation cut off you walked over to Joe the technician that would be placing the electrodes on ‘Ogta’. The graying haired man gifted you a grin before introducing himself to the patient. You decided to take a seat as Joe attached the sticky pads to the blonde girl’s chest, arms and, legs.

“Okay sweetheart we’re just gonna connect you to this here do-hicky, this is what’s going to record the electrical signals that trigger your heartbeat.” He informed. “Oh and, this cuff is just going to check your blood pressure.”

“Are we using the tub for this test?” You asked from your place.

“No, not for this one.” Dr. Fushimi replied her eyes scanning over ‘Otga’s’ Information. “Right so as I mentioned I’m going to need you to run on the treadmill for-

You tuned out the practitioner and looked at ‘Miss Hokimi’. A frown was on your lips as you noticed her fidgeting. Her smile had long since vanished and, she had a very serious look on her face. For as long as you had known her, she wasn’t the type to be making such a face. Your friend was nervous. You figured that you might be the cause for her worry by making her this appointment but, you couldn’t help it.

You and ‘Miss Hokimi’ known to you as Toga Himiko (and at rare moments Toto-chan) go way back. You’d go as far as to say that you were best friends. The two of you had grown up together and, attended the same schools up until her drop out. In fact, you had kept contact with the infamous villain throughout all these years. Even as she joined the LoV and, PLF. You were one of the things to remain a constant in Himiko’s life just as she was constant in your life.

The crazy blonde chick was the reason you decided to pursue a career in the medical field. It was that eye opener when she injured Tomoki in sixth grade that did it; Your body had acted as if on auto pilot rushing to stop the bleeding and, call the ambulance. You knew that you should have cut ties with her after that but the way that she clung to your school uniform that day made your heart clench. She was just as injured as the boy in your arms you had thought. So, you came to see Himiko as your lifelong patient.

You weren’t a psychologist, but you understood that she needed someone and as a person with a disposition to help others you took on that role. You weren’t stupid you knew that she wasn’t ‘normal’, but you’d be damned if you ever betrayed her. Truth was you were just as dependent on her as she was of you.

You were always told that with a quirk like yours you could have become a hero but, your passion lied in medicine. Himiko was the only one who supported your passions back then you’d be a hypocrite to discriminate her passions no matter how unethical. Maybe you were just as unhinged as she was?

Regardless you knew her nervousness stemmed from her confession last Thursday. You and, Himiko met up every Thursday without fail to hangout. And, in one of these sessions the villain confessed to you her more physical illness. Over tea and, cute pastries in a café she had told you of her most recent encounters with an electric type hero. Mr. Zappy, she called him. You knew him as Ryota Fushimi Hero name Volts. Apparently, they had crossed paths and, the pro-hero gave her the ‘shock’ of her life.

‘My heart goes Doki-Doki suddenly after that?! Literally a week after it happened! I could be sitting in my room and, my heart is beating super-fast or on a mission and, it’s suddenly very slow. (Name)-chan is that a bad thing? Am I going to die!?’ Although she told you that in jest you couldn’t help but worry for her especially since her gold eyes held on to that same emotion despite her smile. You tried not to add onto her worries you really did but, you ended up telling her that you’d set her up an appointment.

Your mind was telling you that it was most likely Arrhythmia. She had confessed to heart palpitations that day alone you had to steady her countless times due to her random bouts of dizziness. To put icing on the cake she had also fainted on the uber ride back to your apartment. You only hoped that you were wrong but, that’s why you submitted her to a stress test. (Under a ridiculous pseudonym she was a wanted villain after all.)

“Alright your all set.” Joe said connecting the last wires to the electrocardiogram machine. He clapped his hands dramatically before bidding everyone in the room adieu effectively snapping you out of your memories.

“No need to be so stiff dear.” Dr. Fushimi chimed as Himiko stepped onto the treadmill.

You felt your heartbeat accelerate. The machine seemed to whirl on in slow motion Himiko’s footsteps sounding loud and, heavy in your head. With every step she took you felt your heart pulse in response. However, your heartrate soon settled when she was two minutes into the test and, nothing seemed amiss. That was until

-BANG-

“Doctor Fushimi! There’s been an accident! We need you immediately!” A nurse had barged into the room suddenly starling you all but, Dr. Fushimi kept her calm and, motioned for Himiko to continue.

“I’m in the middle-

“The Pro-hero Volts is in the E.R in critical condition with multiple rib fractures and, covered in third degree burns! We need your quirk to stabilize him or he’ll die!” She shouted.

Dr. Fushimi felt her body tremble at the news and, quickly looked over to you and, Himiko. “(Name) Please finish the test with Miss Hokimi.” She said before rushing out the room.

“Wha- What *pants* What was that all about?” Himiko panted on the treadmill.

“Y-you shouldn’t be talking. Focus on your test okay?” You said moving closer to observe her blood pressure and, the beeping machine. You couldn’t believe that she had just left you alone but, it couldn’t be helped not with who came in injured.

“S-She ran out really fast I wonder why?” Himiko laughed breathily her cheeks a rosy hue. Truth was Himiko was trying to divert your attention from her. She was beginning to fatigue more than usual. Black spots lined her vision and, she felt her heart flutter she was scared. But she didn’t want you to see her as weak, so she bit her lip and, sent you a grin.

“It’s because- Wait Toga!” You shouted getting a good look at the readings. They were erratic your eyes caught her golden gaze tears in clouding her vision.

“I-is this my karma (Name)-chan?” She huffed out before her eyes rolled back and, her body began to fall.

“TOGA!” You shrieked jumping behind the treadmill as her body was shoved off the rolling belt. Before her body could meet the cold tiles of the floor your arms embraced her.

You quickly put your fingers to her neck trying to find a pulse. You felt liquid dot your vision as you felt nothing.

“Fuck Oh shit Toga hold on! I fucking knew it was Arrythmia.” You let out a breath to calm yourself as you wracked your brain on what to do.

“Cardiac Arrest. CPR!” Just as quick as you thought it you began to administer the procedure. Pressing down on her chest and, letting it rise. “HELP!” You yelled in tune with your first aid.

You could feel yourself starting to shake as a minute had passed. You knew the rate of mortality rose with every minute her heart was stopped. Tears obstructed your vision as you continued the process your throat raw with how much you were screaming for aid.

Two minutes had passed and, there was still no sign of anyone. No hurried footsteps, no voices just the sound of the treadmill still running and, your sobs. You wracked your brain trying to think of something. You couldn’t just let your friend die here not after all the years you’ve been together, not after what you two have gone through and, especially not in your arms. You’d be damned if she Toga Himiko was to be your first deceased patient.

Three minutes with your nerves steeled you closed your eyes your hands never letting up on the CPR. You searched each room mentally. It truly felt like an eternity and, with every second passing Himiko’s chances of life diminished.

“Found it!” You wailed. Using your quirk like never before you mentally tore the defibrillator from the wall five rooms down. The case came crashing through the walls at incredible speeds only stopping once it hit your thigh. You hissed at the pain and, tore open the box to pull out the device. Pulling out the pads you removed the ones on her chest and, place down the defibrillator’s electrodes onto her. You turned on the device quickly and, continued your CPR over the voice instructions.

With bated breath you waited for the machine to signal a shock and, once it did you quickly moved back. You didn’t want to leave her side but decided that it would be best to signal the professionals. With that in mind you let the machine take over and, pressed the emergency button in the room and, immediately ran back to Himiko’s side.

Your tears finally over flowed and, you gave out a cry of relief once she gasped for breath after another shock. You refrained from embracing her, but your tears didn’t quell, and you could only cover your mouth as you vaguely made out her golden optics from her lidded eyes. Your legs turned to jelly as you fell on your rear immense relief filling your form.

“Oh my gosh!” The door was slammed opened by another Doctor and, you made out two nurses behind him. He rushed into the room and, sent one of the nurses to bring a gurney. He turned to you and, clasped your shoulder.

“You just saved her life. Ha you’re a hero.” He breathed.

When Himiko finally came to she noticed that her body felt sluggish and, that she wasn’t in (Kansas anymore) anywhere familiar. She did make out the tuffs of your hair from the bathroom mirror. Before she could motion for you, you turned and, caught her conscious gaze. With a relived cry you ran towards the hospital bed and, clasped the hand that didn’t have a needle in it to your chest.

“T-toto-chan.” You sobbed. “Oh, thank God that your okay. I don’t know what I would have done if... if.” The words proving to much for you to say you continued to bawl in front of her snot running down your nose. Himiko’s own eyes misted and, she found that the liquid seemed to slide down on its own.

“I-I was so scared (Name)-chan.” Her hoarse voice cried.

You only nodded embracing her form lightly as to not hurt her. “I was scared too. I couldn’t stop thinking- “

“Shh it’s okay (Name)-chan you saved me.” She gave you a teary-eyed smile and she whispered

“You’re my hero.”

#bnha imagines #bnha #mha #mha imagines #toga himiko #toga x reader #bnha insert #mha x reader #bnha himiko #himiko x reader #🥺#my heart 🥺#unofficial knife wife blog

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butyouknowiwont · 4 years

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"I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe, I gave away my money and now we don't even speak, I drove miles and miles but would you do the same for me, honestly?...Life can get you down, so I just numb the way it feels. I'll drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills. And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf. Farewell. So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself" (Save Myself, Ed Sheeran)

Originally, I was going to give a disclaimer that I don't actually take out of date prescription pills. And then I remembered that I'm currently taking old depression medication because I forgot to pick up my prescription in time. But they are legitimately mine and are the same thing I'm supposed to be taking, just old AF. I do need to say for real that I don't encourage substance use to handle a shitty life, being someone who works in the mental health and substance use field, that's something I'm incredibly passionate about. Please learn real, healthy coping skills. If that's something you would like help with or to talk about, please dm me, I would love to help.

I know, I know. This one is my first post where I'm using lyrics from someone other than Taylor. I do actually listen to other people too, I know that's a surprise.

I am an eternal optimist. I don't know how to give up on broken people or beat up things. I am forever drawn in by the sheer romanticism of being someone who loves the neglected things until they're whole again. I give too much to someone who will never be able to get enough. And I almost always end up hurt. I'll never learn.

I gave him more chances than he deserved. Even after we left, it took me nearly 2 years to cut off contact completely. I kept thinking he would finally understand what he had done to me. I spun in endless circles convincing myself that he had to care enough to change. I found myself holding my breath hoping he'd finally think I was worth it. Hell, even when I reached out to him a month and a half ago, I desperately wanted him to have truly understood what I had been begging him to realize for years. I wanted him to be worth letting back in my life. He hasn't. He wasn't. I guess, at the end of the day, I just wasn't.

So much of my childhood was spent just trying to make him happy. To be good enough to open his eyes to something other than himself. To be talented enough, smart enough, interesting enough. I've always known he was drowning, hurting more than he'd ever admit. I spent my whole childhood trying to be the thing that saved him. It wasn't just that I'm someone who is desperate to save broken things though. He had built this system where we all knew we were supposed to be responsible for saving him from himself. He perpetrated this idea that we existed solely to heal his hurt, and if we couldn't do that we were worth nothing to him. And as a child, you don't hear most of that. You just hear "you're worth nothing".

There came a point where I finally saw him for what he was, or I thought I did at least. I understood that he wanted me to save him, and I understood that I couldn't save him or keep trying. I knew he didn't have another way of keeping himself afloat. I knew he would self-destruct if we left...but I knew I would self-destruct if I stayed. I can't say I know anyone else who who has knowingly collapsed someone else's life to save themselves.

I think we talk a lot in therapy about how it's important to choose ourselves first. We use words like self-care, but we're really talking about this exact concept. The idea of I'm saving myself, even if that means I can't save you.

#therapy #recovery #mental illness #mental health #ptsd #trauma #spilled words #amwriting #ed sheeran #save myself #LYSpeaks

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kindafooey · 4 years

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Also, I’ve been thinking about how underrated and underutilized the word “spectrum” is in medical use, especially when it comes to mental illness. I actually have the perfect example found in my own unbelievably irrational thought patterns, so if you don’t mind me going personal for a bit...

So my mom bought me my first reading glasses when I was in high school. They cost her nearly 500 euros, which is absolutely ridiculous, but small town businesses be like that sometimes. Thing is, my eyesight has been decent enough for me to manage without reading glasses most of the time.

Now, over a decade later, I find myself with an actual need for new reading glasses, and that’s a problem, because according to my shitbrain, I haven’t used my old ones often enough to make up for the money it cost my parents. My shitty, shitty brain tells me I need to use the old glasses for the minimum of 500 times, so the cost per use would be less than one euro. And that if I don’t fulfill that quota before getting new ones, I’ll suffer the consequences one way or the other, and the shittiest part of that little trick my shitbrain does on itself is that I’ll never know which horrible thing that happens to me is the consequence of not having used my reading glasses often enough. For example, if my cat jumps off the balcony one day? Could be because of my stupid overpriced reading glasses that my awkward teenager self only agreed to buing because I was so intimidated by the optician and her patronizing style of speech. So I have to keep using the glasses that are now more or less useless to me for, I dunno, a couple more years at least.

(This applies to pretty much every big purchase I make, btw. Or even small ones - if I order takeout for more than ten euros, the portion either has to be big enough to cover two meals, or I have to skip a meal, because spending more than ten euros on one takeout meal is unacceptable, right? Things like that.)

Now, this kind of bullshit that has guided my actions for the better part of my life can’t be explained through anxiety, OCD or psychotic thought patterns. It’s all three of them - because they’re on the same spectrum of mental illnesses and neurological quirks. The reason I’ve spent the past ten years being flung from one psych expert to another is because I don’t fit any of those three diagnoses exclusively, and the only person in my long, long diagnostic process that hasn’t been stumped by this was the psychiatrist I saw last year who specialized in ADHD and had a more up-to-date view on the latest interdisciplinary studies in the fields of psychiatry and neurology. And honestly, the guy saved me. Everything still sucks brain-wise and the psychotherapy I was supposed to start last year is still on hold due to the phenomenal lack of resources in my hometown, but it really did help me understand the big picture. Having someone tell me I’m not a, uh, snowflake who’s “intentionally” making it difficult to find the right diagnosis is a big relief.

Well, this post turned out longer than I expected, but bottom line: the concept of a spectrum is good and the medical/diagnostic world needs to make better use of it.

#mental illness #anxiety #uhh I dunno how I should tag this #feel free to reblog tho #the personal bits are kinda extra but I think this might be a good topic of discussion on this website #not gf

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missmentelle · 4 years

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Nobody ever listens to me. They ask my advice, and then go directly against the advice i give because they think they know better. I find myself getting intturupted all the time by various people in my life. I am a 19 year old girl. I say dont call me, they call me anyways. I say, dont glue that down yet theres a better way to do it, they do it anyways. And if I get upset then i am being sensitive. This is getting tiring, what should i do? -🙃

As someone who has given advice to thousands of people in my life, I can tell you that you have two options here: you can come to terms with the fact that most people won’t follow your advice, or you can stop giving advice. Both of these are perfectly fine and valid options, but they are the only two options you have.

It can definitely be frustrating to give someone advice and have them go against it. I fully acknowledge that, and I experience that frustration myself from time to time. If you have put a lot of effort into the advice you give, or if you feel that you have a lot more relevant knowledge and experience than the person asking, it can be especially frustrating to see someone ignore the advice you’ve given. But it’s important to remember that advice is not a contract. When a person comes to you for advice, they are not making any promise that they are going to follow it. They ask you to provide your opinion on what they should do, you choose whether or not you are going to provide your opinion, and then they decide whether or not they are going to take your suggestions into consideration. That’s the whole transaction. The act of asking for advice is not a guarantee or a promise to follow that advice - it’s a request for an opinion, and nothing more. As frustrating as it is to have your advice ignored, there’s no way you can “force” someone to listen to you. People often choose to ignore advice that they actually paid for, and frankly, they are well within their rights to do that.

There are a lot of possible reasons that people don’t take advice:

They don’t think it’s very good advice. Advice is subjective, just like anything else, and even if you have evidence and statistics and expert knowledge behind your advice, some people still just might not think it rings true. Even leading experts in a field will sometimes disagree with each other about what advice should be given in a certain situation. I know it can be a blow to your ego to have someone not think your advice is very good, but it’s something you should try not to take personally.

They aren’t telling you the whole story. Sometimes when someone comes to you for advice, especially advice related to a very personal or embarrassing topic, they leave out a particularly embarrassing detail that they don’t want to disclose, hoping that you’ll be able to advise them anyway. But sometimes, missing that crucial detail makes your advice totally invalid. If your friend comes to you saying that their boyfriend has been fighting with them a lot since last month, you might say “oh, your boyfriend is being a total jerk, you should dump him”. But if your friend had been totally honest and mentioned that they cheated on their boyfriend last month and that’s why he’s so upset, you’d probably give very different advice. When you give advice based on the incomplete information, it may be less humiliating for your friend to just say “cool, thanks” and ignore your advice than to actually admit why it doesn’t apply.

It’s not what they want to hear. A lot of the time, there’s a fairly straightforward “obvious solution” to a problem, but “obvious solution” is daunting and difficult and shitty and people aren’t particularly keen on doing it. So they look for advice, hoping that someone will come up with a magical solution that will let them avoid doing the obvious, shitty thing they don’t want to do. And when they hear someone giving them the obvious advice that they didn’t want to hear, they ignore it and look elsewhere, hoping that the next person will give them the miraculous advice that they’re hoping for. I get a lot of asks on this blog from people who tell me that they want to fix their severe mental illnesses without having to go to therapy, take medication, adjust their lifestyle, take on less stress, or talk to anybody about what’s going on; they are looking for some kind of miracle advice, like “add a scoop of chia seeds to your morning smoothie, it’ll fix everything”, but the advice I end up giving, over and over, is not that ground breaking - you have to find a way to get help, somehow. Some people might take that advice right away, but others might need to spend more time searching for a less painful way out before they come to terms with the fact that that’s what has to be done. It has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with their own state of mind.

They already know what they’re going to do. Sometimes when people come looking for advice, they don’t actually want suggestions; sometimes, they have made up their minds, and they are just looking for someone to say the same thing so that they feel like they have “permission” to go through with that course of action. Maybe your friend is having problems with their partner, and they’ve decided that they want to break up with their partner, but they don’t feel confident enough to go through with it on their own. They might go from person to person asking for “advice” on the relationship, when they really just want someone to tell them that they should break up with their partner. If you give your friend some very thoughtful suggestions about how to rescue the relationship, it might be excellent advice, but they will ignore it and keep searching because they already know what they want to do. And again, they have the right to do that.

If having your advice ignored is painful for you, that’s okay. It sucks to feel like you’re putting a lot of care and thought into providing advice that gets ignored. But if you aren’t in a place where you can emotionally handle being the “advice friend”, it’s time to start setting some firm boundaries. Stop giving advice. If a friend asks you for advice, tell them that you don’t feel comfortable advising them, that you have no idea what they should do, or that you really think they should ask X person for advice instead. There is no shame in doing that. You don’t owe anyone advice, just as they don’t owe you a promise to use your advice, and it might be better to just take advice-giving out of the friendship entirely for the sake of preserving healthy relationships. Best of luck to you!

#Anonymous #AnsweredByMM

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herecomesnaya · 5 years

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Some of your posts about class war make me wonder what kind of things you see in the library. Like not just the weird sex stuff or filthy bathrooms, I feel like you see people struggling and I want to know more about that if you’re willing to share a bit

I’m actually really glad you asked, anon! working at the library for so many years is one of the reasons I’m so passionate about that stuff, because you really do see people from all walks of life there.

like obviously, everyone knows homeless people go to the library, but rarely do you see people react to them as anything more than a smelly and potentially dangerous/loud nuisance. even other staff members sometimes! and that really sucks, because in a professional environment you can’t tell your coworkers not to be bourgeoise fucksticks buying into the upper class’s lies

the popular perception is that homeless (and otherwise economically disprivileged) people are there because they’re lazy and crass and can’t get a “real job” or whatever. but, like with most things, once you actually talk to people and get to know them, you learn that they’re literally just people in a bad situation that could happen to anybody

in my time (and my mother’s time, she’s worked with the public for longer than I have in this field), I’ve seen and talked to all sorts of people. younger ones who ran away from home, older ones who got kicked out of shelters, people of all ages with untreated mental issues and no hope of getting them fixed without the proper income, people who HAVE JOBS (sometimes even multiple ones) that still just can’t afford a place, veterans and writers and artists and builders and parents and their children... children who don’t have homes, and people think they deserve it because of their parents’ mistakes!

and most of the time, those “mistakes” are just a series of bad timing and horrendous luck. imagine having a medical emergency, being out of work until you recover, losing your job because of complications, and being saddled with the bills and no way to pay them, plus now you have to try and find a job that 1) you can do with your new limitations and 2) will actually hire you knowing you have medical issues, because lbr, even if it’s illegal to discriminate based on disability, we all know that never stops anyone

imagine all of that on your own, let alone with a family, with kids. then throw mental illness and addiction into the mix, with a good bit of other privilege (black homeless people get treated even worse than white homeless people; homeless people with vaginas often have to just bleed into their clothes, etc.), and you’ve got just... a really sad situation that gets even sadder when the majority of the population wants to ignore these people at best

the biggest example I have of this has got to be from the latest solar eclipse, the one that was visible in North America a few years back. of course, libraries were giving out those coveted eclipse glasses, so every location had people lining up out the door for hours in an attempt to snag some

at one of those locations, there was a courtyard in front of the library where homeless people often gathered to get out of the elements (it was set into the ground and had a little more shelter than some other places). so no one looked twice when they saw someone lying facedown at the bottom of the steps, because he looked homeless from his clothes, and no one really wanted to deal with him. he was probably drunk and passed out or something, and why step out of line and potentially lose your chance at seeing the eclipse for some bum who made shitty choices that aren’t your problem, right?

except they found out hours later that he’d been dead the whole time. collapsed of a drug overdose and choked on his own vomit. he was in his 20s. and people stood next to his corpse for hours without so much as calling out to him, or poking his shoulder to see if he needed help, or anything.

and this might be the most extreme incident, but it isn’t isolated. these people -- kind people, charitable people, people who will jump at the chance to help you even for nothing in return except knowing that you care they exist -- are everywhere, and they’re suffering and dying every day. my mom (who works at a branch with one of the highest homeless/low economic class population in the area) has lost countless friends and patrons this way. sometimes, people like her at the libraries are the only people who even give enough of a damn to notice they’re missing, or cry when they’re gone.

and through all of it, whenever someone asks “Why do you even care about them?” or says “Don’t look them in the eye, they’re homeless” like it’s leprosy or something, I think about all the people my age who died way too soon, or how close my family has been to being in that exact same position. most of us are just one or two bouts of bad luck away from losing everything. we don’t just stop being worthy of care and help because we lose our ability to pay for a home. the more people that remember that, the better. we all need each other’s help to get through this crazy world!

wow, that was long, but thanks for sticking around if you did :) and thanks again for the chance to babble, anon!

#ask #Anonymous

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bluesprng · 5 years

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「♱」 soulmates ² ♡ jeongin y.

request ↴ part two of soulmates | first part writer ↴ jellie a/n ↴ this was not proof read ( may not make sense, may have a shit ton of mistakes/typos ) and probably seems like a huge cluster fuck; the time skip is hella bad ( I actually thought of doing a tiny filler chapter, just to show the shit they got up to lmao ). Triggers include mention of character death, suicide- and by all means, find my inbox to bitch me out for this s h i t chapter. I’m so sorry. Hopefully chapter 3 will be better! ( 4 chapters in total. ) I haven’t slept in 3 days, cut me some slack.

‘It’s apartment E2 on the fifth floor.. There’s only two doors so it should be pretty easy to get the right one.’

Standing in front of the the door, you eyed the gold plated ‘E2′ that adorned it. He was right, it hadn’t been hard as each floor only had two apartments, but none of that mattered when anxiety was bubbling in your gut.

Raising your hand up to knock, the door flew open to reveal a grinning blonde. ‘Hey there, love! Sorry, we get notified of when people are on our floor and well, you didn’t seem like you were ever going to knock.’

You stared in shock at the unfamiliar face only to blink a few times and mutter out an apology. The latter waved his hand and stepped aside, gesturing you in. ‘You’re here to see Jeongin, yeah? He’s in the computer room,’ he began, leading you along, ‘I’m Felix, by the way. His roommate.’

‘Uh.. Y/n.’

It wasn’t hard to warm up to the male as he seemed so friendly, but you didn’t stay that relaxed for too long. When you spotted Jeongin, you felt your gut begin to twist once again. ‘I’ll leave you two to talk.. Let me know if you need anything.’ Felix showed what looked to be a sympathetic smile before leaving the room.

It was silent for a few seconds before the male was closing something on the screen and turning to you. ‘Sorry, I’m behind on some homework.. I’m Jeongin, you know that but uh, nice to meet you. You can sit down, if you want.’

‘Nice to meet you, too.’ Hesitating, you moved to sit down, fiddling with your fingers. You’d taken notice of the picture on the wall; it was in a gold frame and seemed to be Jeongin and Hyunjin in the park. Despite never meeting him, you let a frown form on your lips.

‘Here,’ he stated softly, holding out what looked to be a photo album, ‘this was his. He was a fan of pictures.. you’ll find some flowers in there, too. Er, they were, they were to his soulmate once they met. I’m.. sorry.’

Staring down at the book, you began to look through the pages quietly. Some were of him alone, groups of friends, food, scenery.. and in between pages were different flowers. Tears began welling along your waterline; ‘Ah, I feel stupid. I’ve never even met him- do I even have the right to cry?’

Jeongin shifted from his chair to join you on the small couch, carefully winding an arm around your shoulders. ‘It’s not stupid. You’ve got every right to cry for him- he was technically made for you, you know..? We all get it. My soulmate didn’t want me. Felix.. ah.. he was an arms length away from saving his soulmate from.. jumping,’ he furrowed his brow, ‘A friend of ours, Chris, his soulmate loved someone else.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ you whispered and closed the book, turning your attention to look at the blonde male. ‘How did.. Hyunjin go..?’ Part of you didn’t want the answer- the thought itself made you want to puke, but you needed to know.

‘He got in a car accident. Chris was driving him to one of those.. soulmate meet type things? Those weird festivals.’

Your heart sank. ‘If I had sought him out earlier, he would still be here. I could have.. I could have saved him!’

Tears began flowing down your cheeks as you started sobbing, curling your arms to hug the book to your chest. Jeongin parted his lips to say something but found himself just hugging you close, rubbing your arm. ‘Don’t think that.. Please. Maybe things would have gone differently, but- but if he was meant to go then..’

He trailed off, clearing his throat and swallowing his own urge to cry. ‘He wasn’t the type of person who’d want you to think like this. I’m sure he’s looking down at us right now, panicking his little heart out because you’re crying.. he wouldn’t want you to be crying, Y/n. It’s okay, really.’

You found comfort in the words and relished in his attempt to make you feel better; it helped, but you couldn’t help feeling at fault. If you’d taken interest much sooner, he’d still be alive. Maybe Jeongin was right though, maybe this was all just supposed to happen.

‘If you want, you can stay tonight..? Stay in his room and go through his stuff. None of us have managed to clean it out yet. Only if you want to. We’re strangers and all, so..’

‘I’d really like that, actually.. It’ll be nice to be around people who were close to him.’

‘Great, I’ll let Lix know. Also, it’s really nice to see you.. I didn’t think you’d show up with the circumstances. I think it may be good for you, but also for us. We don’t often have guests outside of our small circle.’

Before you could respond, another voice joined in and you both looked up to find Felix peeking into the room. ‘Not trying to interrupt, I just wanted to see what you wanted to order for dinner? Chris won’t be home early enough to cook.’

Jeongin seemed to falter at the idea of ordering food and pursed his lips. ‘We can’t keep ordering shitty food, Lix.. we really need to learn to cook.’

‘I can cook, if you’d like?’

Their attention was on you automatically. ‘You don’t have to do that, it would be rude of us to-’

‘They offered, shut up. Do you really want to order out, Jeong?’ The older showed pleading eyes, hoping his roommate would just agree. Without Chris, they didn’t get much home cooked food and Felix was pretty sure he’d rather die than eat more take out.

A chuckle fell from your lips, gently nudging the male beside you. ‘I’ll cook. It’s not a big deal. I like to cook.’

‘..Okay, okay.’

Setting the table, you listened to Felix complain about his hands, earning a few chuckles from not only yourself but Jeongin. It was cute how he got a little whiny over the littlest of things.

‘Is he always like this?’

The youngest gave a small nod. ‘He does his best to keep his spirits high because of what he studies. Felix is studying to be a child advocate lawyer.. He has to read over a lot of sensitive cases, so he has to keep himself up or those things will send him crashing down.’

‘Oh,’ you mumbled and looked over at the mentioned male, frowning a little, ‘It takes a lot to go into that kind of field.’

‘Yeah, it does but, he’s got one of the biggest, sweetest hearts.. he’ll be okay.’ He placed a reassuring squeeze to your shoulder and set the last napkin down, joining the latter in bringing the food to the table.

After getting lost in your thoughts, you found your voice. ‘What do you study, Jeongin..?’

‘Professional writing.’ He hesitated as he set a bowl on the table, fingers tapping against the warm surface; he was debating an explanation. ‘Hyunjin often helped me proof read my writings for school.. He told me I should pursue it because I was so good. So, I decided to.’

Despite knowing his name would cause you to overthink, you smiled at the idea. ‘That’s really sweet.’

‘Mhmm. What about you? Do you go to college?’

‘Not yet. I want to study naturopathy.. or herbalism. I really like the medical use of plants and herbs.’ You were met with a fond smile and a raised eyebrow.

‘Is that so? Huh.. makes sense.’ Jeongin mused, ‘He loved plants. Actually, he helped with the garden on the roof.’

The words peeked your interest but for the second time in the day, you were interrupted; this time from an unfamiliar voice. ‘Who the hell is that?’

Everyone turned to see a third boy with blonde-ish hair and you were pretty close to having a mental breakdown. ‘Okay, do you guys have some.. hair color pact or something?’

The new face didn’t seem amused as he walked through to drop a bag on the counter, eyeing you like some type of plagued being.

‘This is Y/n- you know.. the Y/n,’ Felix chimed in, moving around the counter to snoop through the bag, much to the latter’s annoyance but he didn’t stop him. No one seemed to really want to answer your question, though it wasn’t needed as the younger pulled a box out.

‘Actually, it looks like Minho won’t have blonde hair for much longer!’

It was a box of silver hair dye, much to everyone’s surprise. Well, you were more curious about the male himself, not the fact that he was going to be changing his hair color.

‘I came by to see if one of you would mind helping me out.. I heard Chris wouldn’t be home until late.’ Minho shrugged before looking towards you once more, ‘I’m Minho, if you hadn’t caught on and you can save the introduction, I know who you are.’

Well, isn’t he pleasant you thought with pursed lips until Jeongin nudged your side. ‘That’s the one who I told you about. Chris and Minho are- were soulmates, but Minho is with someone else. They don’t often end up in the same room together,’ he began explaining in a hushed tone, ‘It’s not that they don’t get along, it’s more of.. they get along too well, for obvious reasons, but Chris is a little more sensitive about the whole topic.’

You nodded slowly as you listened, feeling bad about the situation, but you also weren’t involved, so you didn’t ask further. ‘I see..’

‘So, why are you here?’

Your attention went to the oldest and you shifted in your spot, feeling small under his gaze. It felt like he was trying to tear you apart with his eyes. ‘I came to speak with Jeongin about Hyunjin.’

He tensed at the name but just rolled his eyes and grabbed the box of dye, disappearing down the hall into one of the rooms. Felix offered you an apologetic gaze before following him. The third male just sighed, taking a seat at the table with every intention on eating, not caring who joined or who didn’t. ‘Ignore him. Minho has always had an attitude problem..’

‘He always hates your guests? How fun.’

Settling down at the table, you both began to converse amongst yourselves, easily clicking and finding topics that didn’t include someone crying or getting pissed off.

You found that you’d easily fall in sync with the boys, finding a friend in each.. except maybe Minho.

one year later

‘I’m gonna miss you.’ Felix frowned as his arms wound tightly around you, swaying you both as he sniffled.

You let out a small laugh and squeezed him in your arms before nudging him back. ‘You’re coming back in six months, Lix, I’ll be here when you get back.’

He huffed. ‘What if you aren’t? It’s going to feel so weird not seeing you guys every morning.. What am I supposed to do? What if my roommate hates me?’

A few snorts and chuckles left the small group as you reached to pinch his freckled cheek.

‘Jisung seemed like a really sweet kid when you skyped him, so I wouldn’t worry too much.. besides, who could possibly hate you? Just go and have fun,’ Chris cooed over him, ‘Not too much fun.. make sure you study and do good in your classes!’

‘Don’t forget about us.. and you better call and message us when you can.’ Minho was next, hugging the boy close, ‘We’re going to miss you, loser.’

You tucked yourself into Jeongin’s side as he used one arm to hug his now strawberry haired friend, sighing. ‘Gonna miss you, Lix. Take care of yourself, okay?’

Felix rubbed at his eyes as his friends said goodbye and he couldn’t seem to calm down, but his flight was being called and he needed to go. With one last shouted ‘goodbye, i love you guys!’ the Aussie was off and you were all left to return to the apartment.

It felt weird. Over the past year, you’d gotten closest to Felix, despite your blooming relationship with Jeongin. It would feel empty without the bright boy around. You found yourself pretty close with Chris, often helping out with cooking and cleaning. Minho, however, even after so long, barely spoke to you and looked utterly disgusted when you tried to initiate conversations.

Life was moderately good.. but you wondered just how long that would last.

Returning, you found yourself falling onto the couch with a yawn, having gotten very little sleep before; you blamed Felix with his last minute packing. The youngest joined you, lightly pushing his fingers through your hair. ‘You should get some rest.. I’ll wake you up with dinner is getting started.’

You let out a sound of protest and squirmed to rest your cheek on his thigh. ‘I don’t want to sleep. Hey.. can I ask you something?’

He hummed in acknowledgement, letting you know he was listening.

‘Do you think.. he would be mad at us for this..? For.. dating?’

The question felt stupid; made you feel utterly ridiculous, but you were dating your lost soulmate’s best friend. That sounded pretty shitty in your mind. Jeongin wasn’t very quick to reply, either.

‘I don’t think he would be mad. I think he would have wanted us to move on.. besides, we found a piece of him in each other. I told you I believe in destiny and paths.. Which means, in my head, this is how it was supposed to go for us.’

‘Or he’s up there thinking you’re both assholes for dating each other, knowing he was your best friend and Y/n’s soulmate. It’s kind of gross.’ Minho sneered as he walked through the living room to the kitchen, ignoring the existence of Chris entirely.

The words made you sink further on the couch, hiding your face in your boyfriend’s thigh. He shot Minho’s retreating figure a glare, gently patting your back; ‘I’ll repeat the same words I told you the day we met; ignore him, he has an attitude issue.’

‘Is he right?’

‘Absolutely not. I know for a fact you don’t really believe him... he just has a way of making people feel like utter shit.. but, he’s family.’ A weak chuckle followed his words as he shifted to get more comfortable on the couch, closing his eyes. ‘Just get some rest, okay? Don’t linger on the bad thoughts, babe.’

You relished in the pet name and gave a small nod, nuzzling close to his warmth and closing your eyes. Maybe he was right; maybe this was what the world had planned for you all along.

Sadly, the following months thought otherwise and you found yourself back at square one. Someone gone and someone changing your life.. for better or maybe for worse.

#jellie #stray kids #skz #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #kpop #kpop drabbles #kpop scenarios #jeongin #yang jeongin #i.n #lee know #lee minho #bang chan #felix #lee felix

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therearwindow · 4 years

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> Hey Reader. Saddle up. This is long winded as fuck. There are little notes at the bottom for the numbers in the text. Anyway. The voices used to write this change. A lot of it will sound childish. I wrote parts in that voice because it was necessary for that part of my life. Also I suck at organizing my thoughts. Please keep my past English teachers in your hearts. They did the best they could with me.<

So I am living in a state where if there is not contest, you might as well wait it out for 18 months living separately. I moved here from my home state thinking things could be better with a new start, and I didn't want a life without my step kids. Of course things went awry, and now we're separated, and I don't see my step kids everyday.

With him I didn't have to pay for anything. I wanted to. He makes significantly more money than I ever did, and that fucked with me. I couldn't be financially helpful. I had a job, and it meant nothing in comparison. He made me feel that. Tried to get me to be a stay-at-home-mom because it was financially more useful than me working. I grew up working for everything I wanted. Work and hard work was what I knew. A household with two working parents was what I knew and what I wanted. He won eventually.

I was 23 and he was 31. He was going through a divorce with two kids from his previous marriage. I was young, carefree, loved kids, stupid and hopeful. I still high on trying to make less mistakes and better myself by going to school by finding that mythical job that I love and not struggle. Though I kept forgetting that I have depression, bipolar, and anxiety. That I will more than likely have to take pills everyday of my life to function "normally," in addition to therapy. At the point I met him I was doing neither medication nor therapy. I was stuck in well-meaning loop of "I'm trying." It of course want good enough. So I never progressed.

We dated for two years before I decided I wanted him to ask me to marry him. Stupid. Those two years were filled with him putting me down about my mental health, my silver of aspirations, my social life. My social life already lacked from being pretty introverted. Any friends I had at the time I'd known for years and had grown apart from with sprinkles of hangouts here and there. Then I made new friends. Friends from work who wanted to do things with me and understood me a little better. My growing friendships with stunted with being guilt tripped. His kids the bait.I took it. I had fallen for them. I had decided I wanted to be in their lives. I loved them. I was also told that I wouldn't be having children of my own with him. Though because of loving them, and because I loved him, thought he was the best thing to happen to me, I tried to make myself forget about having something I wanted the most out of life. I loved my stepkids even more. I also tried to compromise with my social life until nothing was enough, and I hardly ever saw my friends outside of work. I was so fucking vulnerable. I am so god damn thankful for those friends I met at work still being around for nearly 6 years.

Two years of red flags. Two years of trying to compromise, then fight, then my silence, and submission. Not ultimate submission, no, I still had some pride left. I put up the occasional fight and occasional acts of disobedience. I had to. Then there was happiness. Because I submitted. Duh. He got what he wanted. So I was happy¹. Twenty-five had come around, and my poorly wired brain told me it was time to get married. He loved me. So why not? Summer 2015 he popped the question during Movie In The Park. I knew it was coming because we talked about it and he let me pick out my ring. I was overjoyed. He paid the money for the ring, but I still was surprised he actually did it. After years of feeling unworthy of love, like I didn’t deserve happiness, like I was only good for pushing people away, someone wanted to marry me. Sounds rad, but it wasn’t. Against the better collective judgment of myself and other who knew my relationship, I said yes.

Now activated was stressful wedding planning. He ended up footing the bill for the entire thing because my dad couldn’t (or wouldn’t, still unclear) help pay for anything. Part of that was because for some reason my almost spouse wanted to get married the same year. November to be exact. He, to this day says he was joking about the timing, but I will never believe him. The reason? Taxes. We wouldn’t be able to file jointly married if we waited. He had it in my head that my low income was needed that tax year to lessen the amount of taxes he would owe. I didn’t get the venue I wanted because of moving the wedding up. So I decided that I wanted to do a courthouse wedding. He had already gotten married once before, and if I wasn’t getting the wedding I really wanted, then I would settle for much less. He said at some point during an argument that if I didn’t agree to a big wedding like he wanted, then we shouldn’t get married. I could no longer have family I wanted to attend be there, but I really wanted to get married. I was blind. So we got married November 2015. I wasted a good wedding theme and the time of everyone who attended. We never even got our wedding photos back. There was an ice storm. My dad paid for my dress giving me a check on my wedding day, but he (at my request not thinking he would actually do it) deducted money owed him from the balance. Looking back I feel that it was just a shitty wedding day for a multitude of reasons.

It’s November 2019, and this month would be our 4th anniversary. It’s weird that we’re not celebrating it. We kind of forced it last year. Even got a puppy. Poor Tonks. Though I’m also in another relationship for over a year now. So there’s that. He’ll argue that it’s that relationship that ended us because he put up with so much for me. We were shitty before boyfriend came into play. I also had a miscarriage during year two of our marriage, and that nearly broke us. I should have left because there were some shitty things said directed at me during that time. Like really shitty. Though back to polyamory, not wanting to let go of something good that was happening to me won over, and eventually helped me leave. Not the person. It should be known that part of our “redefining ourselves” idea coming with moving to a new state included polyamory.

So. While getting ready to make the move, my spouse had to move ahead of me and the kids. We talked about being in an open relationship. He only wanted a shared girlfriend. I said fuck that and scrubbed that idea opting for polyamory. Why? Because I am polyamorous. After years of being told that I was a dirty cheater, failing at being monogamous, beating myself up for failing, and deep suppression, I had come to terms with being poly. So, okay, he went with it. I explicitly pointed out that once we went this way, I would not go back to monogamy. I couldn’t. It was kind of like coming out for the third time in my life. First with coming out as bisexual during my teen years, the second coming out as pansexual in my 20s.² I sold him on the idea that for me, it would just be sex. I have always been able to separate sex from emotions. I never needed to feel anything about someone before fucking them. After a short while I stopped feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. So whatever. I like sex. I did however make it a point to tell people I was not in it for the feels. I’m not a complete monster. Though that turned into never sleeping with the same partner more than once so as no to catch “feels.” When I did catch feelings I tried to hide it because the sex was good, and a few times admitted my feelings ending up in short-lived relationships. I fucked up, I know. The long and the short was spouse declared that he needed to find someone first before I could do anything physical with anyone. His reasoning was uneven playing field between our genders.³ Blah, blah, blah. That was March 2018. The next month I met my boyfriend online.

You would have thought I went against the rules my spouse and I had previously developed. He was on my case. I was happy talking to my boyfriend. Found out he lived really close to where I was moving (big fucking plus and homeboy was cute af sorry not sorry). Spouse at this point had not found anyone to sleep with. So after being difficult and me telling him that it was pretty unfair that I had to wait, he allowed me to go on a date and let me have sex. Two separate people, and not my boyfriend. May rolled around and me and would be boyfriend have been talking for a month. Spouse had found someone. I was sick to my god damn stomach. Like who else wanted to date this idiot besides me. He was my idiot. As a gesture towards learning to be open and honest with our feelings I expressed my discomfort. Which eventually got dismissed with “you’ll be okay.” Because he was now doing something, everything was okay. My feelings definitely didn’t matter. Though he acted like they did.⁴

May also meant that it was time for the kids and I to move. The school year was over, and it was time for them to spend time with their mom. So spouse and I were kid free for three weeks. it also meant I would finally get to meet the guy I’ve been talking to for a month. I won’t lie. I was fucking elated. I had planned to go at least a day ahead of spouse to get some alone time. Time to meet the guy, see if I still liked him in person, and ya know, do the do. That did not fucking happen. I’ll admit I let my excite get the better of me, a lot. To the point where I lied about where I was going and how. This was in response to spouse being himself and not allowing me to take time out to see my future boyfriend (spouse and I both ended up at the new house not too far apart from each other). I got upset and was dishonest. Not proud of that. It was not good. To me I felt like spouse got his alone time with the new woman, twice I might add. Why couldn’t I be granted the same? Spouse almost didn’t let me use the air bnb he was staying at which had two rooms. I declared that he could not use the same bed him and I slept in to have sex with her.⁵ So he used the other room. Which I also used. Now. We had also a rule stating no overnights. Yeah, post-coital naps do not fall under that. It was already late at night. I was tired. The plan was nap and go home. Duh not stay the night. We also had a few other rules: 1. communicate 2. do not contact the other partner while they are with another Person unless it can’t wait. My spouse showed up at the air bnb because I didn’t communicate, and he thought I was taking too long. Tried to pin breaking the overnight rule on me too. Nah. Eventually I got to go on a proper date with future boyfriend, and it was amazing.

Over a year and a half later I am separated from my spouse and have been with my boyfriend. I moved out in April 2019. I was doing okay for living on my own for the first time in six (6) years. I had a job after a year of basically being guilted into being a stay-at-home-mom⁶. Which I enjoyed the growing closer to my kids part of it, but the constant being at home with only precious baby of a dog, and being expected to spend large portions of my day keeping up a house, not leaving the house to work, put in a deep depression. No matter how hard I tried to try hard, I couldn’t make myself do shit. Small accomplishments were huge to me, and meant little to spouse. So having a job and my own space was fucking magical. I mean spouse totally had to cosign on my apartment, and was (is) giving me $500 a month (ending this coming December) as hush money because I’m probably not going to qualify for alimony. For the record, should I qualify, I wouldn’t be asking for more than what would help me be independent of him. Dude makes six figures a year. He has enough to spare. I wouldn’t be out to get all his money. I don’t want to interrupt the lively hood of my step kids. Anyway. Like I said, it’s November 2019. I lost my job last month. I have a car I need to make payments on, utility bills, it was necessary for me to adopt my dog out, and I feel low again.

Needless to say that the last month has been kind of shitty. Oh. My dad also has a stage four brain cancer. Trust me that plays into the not currently employed thing. I’m still look and applying, but what if my dad dies and I’ve had the new job for less than a month? I’ll obviously be taking the amount of bereavement time allowed. It’s my fucking dad. So I take bereavement and then come back and lose my job? I’ve applied for unemployment as a temporary means of income⁷. Though it’s taking about a month to see if I can receive it. The idea had been to stay on unemployment throughout the holiday season while still looking for a job, and not passing up a good opportunity. Cross the jobless bridge again if I need to in the event my father dies. I have no fucking clue what to do except move forward. What else though? I don’t know what I should be doing while I’m moving. I’m still seeing my therapist, and now new psychiatrist. Both of them working out well. So that’s good. Part of why spouse and I haven’t really pushed for other reasons for immediate divorce is because I really need the health insurance. I got to the doctors a lot for various health issues. If I didn’t have health insurance, all the progress I’ve made towards my mental health will be undone in a much shorter time than it took to get it to a better place. I can’t let that happen. I turn 30 this coming March. I’m fighting to begin the next decade of my life on a good note.

*BONUS ROUND* My still being legally married is causing other problems. My boyfriend’s parents have no idea that I’m still legally married. I do not have good feelings about beginning how to start that conversation. It’s been over a year. Boyfriend’s sister knows. We (he) told her (while I was in the same room) to see what she thought. She thinks it will be fine. It probably wouldn’t be if I had biological children. Which I don’t. Blessing in disguise I’ve been told.

If you’ve made it this far I really wish I had something to give you for reading through my short review of my life. Trust me. This is the short version. All in all it was an abusive relationship, and despite my current predicaments, I am in a better place since leaving. I really left a fuck ton out. You’re welcome. I’m not new to the internet. I know some of you will want to comment things that I don’t agree with. If they aren’t insightful, to point out a typo, and only cruel, then I don’t give two fucks. I understand that I may be the ”villain” in his story, and after writing what I did I can only imagine what he would say. I am a happy little camper with my boyfriend. He deserves a god damn medal or some shit for sticking with me after things got hairy. He is awesome.

¹ Years later Paramore's "Fake Happy" would cause me to break down into tears. That was when I realized I was situationally happy. It was fake.

² I am 100% not claiming polyamory as a sexual identity. Honestly I could be better educated. I am comparing the feelings. Those being free, shoulders a little lighter, and most of all happier. I will also not entertain discussions of bisexuality versus pansexuality.

³ Q.Q some more you sexist prick

⁴ A little over a year later I came to the realization that I always HAD to ask for permission. He did, but he never HAD to. He had the power in the relationship. I had to mind my Ps and Qs so to speak. If I said no, we had to discuss. If he said no, that was it. So I never wanted to discuss anything with him.

⁵ The “no same bed” thing I lobbied for carried over into our new house. I’m just not cool with that. There was OUR space and THE space. Eventually spouse barred me from ever using the house, and boyfriend was not allowed inside of it period.

⁶ He won.

⁷ Needing assistance seriously hurts my pride. I'm stuck between getting off of it as soon as possible, and falling further into debt.

#have mercy on my soul #relationships #divorce #emotional abuse #mental abuse #financial abuse #marriage #polyam problems #lost #long reads #growing up #my year in review #moving forward #moving forward without direction #villains #typos

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housecfgold · 5 years

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HEY EVERYONE, i’m admin birdy & i’m so excited to have you all here ! and also i’d like to introduce my baby to you guys ! and let know that i only have a few wcs for this one because idk, he’s new in town and also i’m both lazy & without ideas ! but i’m up to everything you guys want, so hmu or like this post that i’ll, eventually, crash into your IMs and we can brainstorm together !

* ♡ ˙ ˖ / matthew daddario + cis male + he/him. — did you know idris’s real name is idris henderson? oh yeah, they are a thirty year old football player known as the reveller that has been in town for four days. this pansexual leo can be sociable + confident, as well as careless + sarcastic. i hear their soulmark is the big dipper constellation on the back of his neck, and their soulmate looks like dominic sherwood. muscles stretching, empty alcohol bottles, thunderstorms in the middle of the night.

( suicide tw ) ; ( drug tw - ish ) !!!

it is safe to say that idris’ life started in a hard way. he was born and raised in denver, colorado , alongside a younger brother and their mother, a woman long ago consumed by a hard life. his father was never around and from an early age he had to understand the challenges life would bring. his mother had come from the same humble origins and never had a chance to grow in life, leaving her limited to a small job with an even smaller salary ― far from being enough to support her and two children. idris constantly watched the woman stop eating for two or three days, so he and his brother could have three full meals over the same period.

over the course of a few years, the situation only worsened for the family. his mother lost her job and, already tired of her life, couldn’t stay in any other for long. at the age of sixteen idris even tried to help and break his time between school, a job and the only privilege that allowed to have in his life; football was his sweet scape. while in the field he was able to forget about all his problems, his poor family and the prospects of a broken future with little to no opportunities ahead of him. maybe because of talent or even effort that idris used to dedicate to the sport, he eventually stood out.

idris was eighteen and in the final days of high school when he received the news that synthesized the only chance he would get to not only follow his dream, but also help his mother and brother to lead a better life; he had, somehow, managed to qualify for the university of colorado’s football program, with a full scholarship. his mother, however, would never know about that. already tired of an existence that bordered the misery, she chose to take her own life and finally be able to rest. shock and sadness almost made him give up on his own dreams, but idris's brother, who had displayed a strength he did not know it even existed, made him move on with the scholarship.

for the next few years, idris tried his best to keep himself into his college & football routine and also be a good brother, since both boys were all what was left of the impaired family. he never came to graduate from college since, after four years of hard study and frequent participation in the college football league, idris made the official petition to enter the nfl drafts early. for his surprise the petition was accepted and he was drafted by a big team who had him on their radar for a while already. trying his best as never before, he proved to be both talented & hardworking and it was just a matter of time until he started to stand out in the field.

fame and money came fast for the young player; his life now seemed to be stable and promising. his only concerns were to stand out more & more, and to attend most of the great parties for which he was invited. everything was finally easy ― but it wouldn’t stay that way for long. years after he had finally become a professional football player, the disaster hit idris in the form of two men from the opposing team, in one of the first games of the season. he suffered gruesome injuries to his knee and ankle, leaving him out for the rest of the games and undergoing two surgeries to try to fix what had been broken by the accident while no one knew if idris would ever return to the fields.

idris was really shaken by everything that happened, afraid of losing everything he had conquered over the years. the treatments were difficult physically & mentally, and the physiotherapy was painful, but the biggest problem he faced came in another form; the small pills designed to lessen his pain created a dangerous dependence, that threatened his career much more than the injuries. it took a few months until someone finally noticed idris' addiction and he was officially temporarily removed from the next season not only because of his knee or ankle, but in order to treat himself and get back to what he was before everything.

however, a strange supplicating pressure caused him to drop every kind of new treatment for his addiction before it even started. it was a weird, uncontrollable feeling that wouldn’t go away, no matter how hard he tried ― and he tried hard. the strange sensation consumed all his thoughts and even his dreams, until idris found himself in the middle of the night driving for hours on end ‘till he finally reached jericho, where he knew nothing and no one; nor what had brought him to the tiny town.

HOLY SHIT, this ended up to be huge, so long story short: idris was born very poor, had a shitty childhood. has one younger brother and loves him dearly. had a hardworking mother that took her own life when he was eighteen. got a footbal l scholarship, managed to become a professional football player and never graduated from college because of that. he suffered an injury to the knee and ankle that took him out of the season and left him addicted to pain medication. he never got to start rehab, though, because he felt the strange need to go to jericho, where he's been for four days. and this is where our story begins !

idris' personality is very expansive and confident. he is rarely insecure about something and, when it happens, he tries to hide behind several layers of his other traits. idris is a very intense ( and ends up being careless about himself because of it ) man and he normally tends to devote himself to things & people with impressive ease ― but he is also known for quickly getting tired and bored of both things just as easily. he constantly varies between the arrogance acquired by the past years surrounded by money & fame, and humility typical of those who grew up knowing the meaning of necessity & poverty. idris rarely is aggressive or hostile toward others and often silently directs these feelings to himself; he frequently overcharges himself and becomes undeniably frustrated when he fails to achieve his goals. the football player is a very sociable man and makes friends with ease. he doesn’t like to stay home, doing nothing, although the accident has made him ( almost ) used to the stillness.

#jericho.intro #︲「 ɪᴅʀɪs ╳ BARBED WIRE HALO 」INTRO .

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thelastspeecher · 5 years

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Hi! So like five months ago I sent you an ask about applying to grad school and you gave me a super amazing answer. And I'm back now because holy shit I got into grad school (CalArts for Creative Writing) and in the last one you said there was a whole 'nothing list of tips if you actually get into grad school? And I got in and I'm curious what the tips are? If there's anything you've learned in the last few months that changed your perspective on grad school? Thank you so much!

First off, congrats! That’s a big accomplishment! Grad schools in general are competitive, and big names like CalArts even more so.

So, you want my advice, eh? Okay. Let’s do this.

First step is getting organized. You start in the fall (I’m assuming), so you have plenty of time. Find out where important locations are on campus, familiarize yourself with the area you’ll be spending most of your time in (I’d focus on figuring out where the closest bathrooms and places to get food are, personally), and invest in a planner. Keep that planner handy. Use it. It’s easier to stay organized if you start the semester that way than it is to try to organize yourself halfway through the semester. Make a monthly budget. Decide “I will spend X amount on groceries every time I go shopping”. Keep track of the money in your bank account (a lot of banks have mobile apps that make this very easy). Put some of your paycheck into a savings account every time. You never know when you might need a nest egg. Stay up to date on your medical needs (prescriptions, flu shots [for the love of god, get a flu shot], dentist appointments, yearly physicals). You can definitely find resources at your school to help you with some of these tasks. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to find a workshop on keeping a budget or other adult skills. Attend workshops for new grad students.

Second, look into different support systems for students. That means student-led organizations, departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws, and general resources. Get a support system set up right away, particularly if you are going to be far from family.

Student-led organizations will be able to help you adjust and provide you a sense of community (particularly if you belong to a minority community). Other grad students will be able to offer advice faculty or staff might not be able to. Don’t isolate yourself! That’s what I’ve been doing and it sucks! The only reason I haven’t driven myself completely insane is because I have a roommate who happens to be my best friend. If I could start over, I wouldn’t do what I did and avoid everyone because I was intimidated. I would stroll into rooms with purpose and confidence that I am the baddest b*tch there. Confidence gets you far in life, particularly in grad school.

“Departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws” is a very wordy way of saying the Title IX office, disability services, offices for students of color (schools typically have different offices for different racial minorities; find out which one is best suited for you), the LGBT resource center, and the like. If you are part of a demographic minority, find out where you can locate help immediately. If something goes wrong related to your status as a minority, you need to nip it in the bud RIGHT AWAY.

General resources are things like mental health services, university health services, survivor services, etc etc. If you have any history of mental health issues or have been in therapy at any point in your life, I recommend jumping into counseling immediately, even if you feel like you don’t need it. Just talking to a neutral party will help you more than you think. Most schools offer free counseling for students, too. If they don’t, then that’s really fucking weird, but they should be able to help you figure out a method for you to adjust smoothly without it being too much of a drain on your wallet.

Third, learn from my mistakes. Good lord, learn from my mistakes. I had a disastrous first semester at grad school. I was overwhelmed, completely out of my depth, and the one thing I thought I was doing right I discovered I was actually completely fucking up. I entered my second semester on academic probation and probation as a TA. How do you learn from my mistakes? A few ways.

The first time you TA (most grad students TA at some point), insist on someone observing you. The department should automatically observe all TAs, particularly new ones, but it’s possible to slip through the cracks. That happened to me. The head TA was too busy to observe TAs my first semester, and I didn’t find out that I was a shitty TA until I was in a meeting with department and university head honchos, who were effectively accusing me of hating my students and hating being a TA and sucking in general. That’s paraphrasing, and definitely not completely accurate, but that’s how the meeting felt to me. I got by only because I explained to them “I am autistic, I struggle with new social situations”. The extenuating circumstances in my situation allowed me to try to TA again, but this time with some accommodations and outside assistance.

Related: If you are disabled, disclose it to the department. Disclose it to the higher-ups and the professor who will act as your advisor. You don’t need to disclose it to anyone else, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to tell the people you will be working for. Even if you have amazing coping skills, disclose it. I’m damn good at pretending to be abled. But my disabilities still bit me in the ass. New situations and stress have a tendency of exacerbating symptoms. You can’t expect everything to go smoothly. And you can’t expect the department to hold your hand or even recognize what’s going on with you. I’m the first diagnosed autistic grad student my department has ever had. They had no clue how to handle that. You’ll be going into a field that tends to be a bit more liberal than STEM (like my area of study), so you might not run into the issue of “uh we don’t know how to help you, please talk to some people at the office of equity”, but it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.

Related: If you are disabled, get your ass down to the disability services office and get accommodations. Immediately. Start the process over the summer. Larger schools might have a more complicated process to get accommodations than smaller schools, so you need to get the ball rolling right away. Even if you haven’t felt like you needed accommodations recently, get the ones you had in the past. Don’t assume you’ll be fine without extra help.

Don’t take too many classes your first semester. And make sure the ones you do take aren’t all super difficult. I fucked up my first semester, bc I took three upper-level classes, two of them in chemistry. Yeah, three doesn’t sound like much. But when you’re juggling adjusting to grad school, starting up your thesis, and being a TA, three classes is a huge fucking amount of work. I’d recommend two classes, maybe one of them difficult, the other one sort of medium difficulty. Of course, you have to talk to your advisor for what works best for you, but I highly HIGHLY recommend starting off with a light class load your first semester.

When things start going south, bc they probably will at some point, don’t just keep your head down and try to force yourself through it. Talk to the family members you are closest to (I’m very close with my parents, so I talk to them when I’m having issues, but it could be a sibling or an aunt or uncle or cousin). Talk to friends. Talk to a counselor (PLEASE get a counselor your first semester). Talk to your advisor. Talk to the other grad students in your department. You should be able to find at least one shoulder to cry on, if not a whole bunch.

I said this before, but don’t isolate yourself. Please don’t. It’s easy to avoid people when you’re stressed. Don’t do that. Reach out to other grad students in your department. Make friends. Go with them to coffee shops. I wouldn’t recommend starting out by going to bars, bc that can be a slippery slope, and you shouldn’t have friends who only have fun while they’re drinking (that’s not a healthy behavior). My grad school has a really nasty drinking culture that contributed to my avoidance of other grad students, but hopefully yours doesn’t. And even if it does, you should be able to find someone who won’t want to always go to the bar.

Fourth, be confident. I said that before, but like the “don’t isolate” thing, it’s important. I’ve always been a confident person. I took a huge blow to my confidence when I started grad school, bc I felt like I was surrounded by people with more experience (which is an objective fact, but doesn’t always have to be a bad thing) and more knowledge and more accomplishments and who had their lives together. I was intimidated, for one of the first times in my life! I’ve always been a top-tier person, cream of the crop, A+ honors student, go-getter, award-winner. But in grad school, literally everyone else is that, too. And that’s not a bad thing! Sure, some people might be braggy, but other people will be more humble. Having all this experience in one location is good, bc it means you have more help. You have people you can talk to who have connections, who have run into problems you might run into, who can offer a unique perspective on things. That is SO GOOD. And if you’re still intimidated, think of it like this: You got there, too. You’re just as good as the other grad students, otherwise you wouldn’t be there. You have just as much potential, even if you don’t have as much life experience. You have something unique to offer to the school. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have been accepted. And it’s not like everyone else actually has it together. Some people might, but most of the other students will be as lost and nervous as you (esp other first year students).

Fifth, toot your own horn. It’s related to being confident, but not quite the same. Talk about your accomplishments. Tell people what you’ve done. Try not to come off too braggy, but don’t hide your light under a bushel. You have to promote yourself if you want to get anywhere. You’ve already succeeded at it once, since you got into grad school. Keep it up! Oh, and don’t be afraid to toot your own horn when someone else is making you feel intimidated. I was at a thing where one guy kept going on and on about how he’d been to this country, and that country, and tried this wine and that food and yadda yadda yadda. I got sick of it, so I cocked my head and stopped him in his tracks by asking him if he’d ever been to Kosovo. He hadn’t. He’d been to a million places, but there was one that I had him beaten on. That was a huge confidence booster. You have your unique experiences. Share them. And don’t be afraid to use them to stop a braggart from controlling a conversation.

Sixth, stay healthy. Mentally and physically. Walk most places (that’s how I get my exercise), bike, do yoga, jog, whatever. Get some exercise. Eat well. Make your own meals, keep track of whether you’ve had a vegetable today. See a counselor, vent to friends, write in a journal. Most schools offer wellness workshops where students can learn how to keep themselves healthy. Look into that, particularly if you struggle to eat well or keep stress down.

Seventh, take a short break if you need to. Grad school culture is intense. People work way too long for way too little recognition. Stress kills. Burn out can make you question your path. Say no to a third side project your advisor wants you to do. Take a day off, or an afternoon. Take a long weekend. Make sure that things won’t fall apart while you’re gone (in my case, I would get lab work done the day before), let your advisor know you won’t be coming in today for health reasons (you can keep it vague), and then spend your day doing anything but work on your thesis. Don’t give in to stress and burn out. It will wreck you.

Eighth, enjoy yourself! Grad school can be hell, but it can also be fun! You’re here to learn and gain experience and, hopefully, not hate every second of it. My own grad school experience has been roughly 92% hell and 8% fun, but I wasn’t prepared when I came. I did the opposite of hit the ground running. I tripped and skinned my knees and my face and I’m still trying to catch up with everyone else. Being prepared, reaching out to people who can help you adjust, those things will ensure your grad school experience goes more smoothly than mine. Just don’t expect everything to go perfectly right off the bat. It’ll take some time before you feel like you truly can enjoy yourself.

…That ended on a weird note, but I hope it was helpful.

You’ve got this! Best of luck!

#whew that turned out long but I knew it was going to be long #again I hope this was helpful #grad school #rant #ask #beatrice-babe

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 5 years

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COTW 10 - Full

Levi was having a shit day at work. He was out in the field, biting his tongue about his plans to marry Eren as Erwin prattled on, asking after Eren and his mental health. He knew Erwin was concerned, but he'd already been thrown up on, and had one patient try to take a swing at him. Eren had said he was proud that Levi was out in the field helping people, but on days like this, it was hard to feel appreciated. At least the patient they were currently transporting to hospital was an old beta woman who was happy enough talking to through the gap. Hearing the radio crackle, he sighed as Petra's voice came through "Levi? Are you on channel?" She may have backed off on her continued perusal of him, but sometimes she'd revert back to hitting on him, making them all uncomfortable. She'd kind of edged to the fringe of their friends. Snatching up the receiver, Erwin looked to him "Go ahead Petra" "Eren's at Shinganshima hospital. He's not hurt, but he did sound pretty shaken up" Levi grabbed the receiver from Erwin "What do you mean he's there?!" "He called in an assault, Mike called me to see if I could warn you" "He called in an assault?" "I don't know much more, only that he's there... and that he's ok. He's not the victim" Erwin took the receiver back "Thanks, Petra. We're completing a patient transfer at the moment, we will be there shortly" "You're welcome. Mike also said to tell Levi that there's nothing wrong with the twins, and that he'd know what that means" That was something... but this whole thing was something he didn't need. Not on such a crappy day like today. He knew Eren could throw down with the best of them, but his mate has said he was going into the dance studio to catch up with his partner. Levi had no idea how that turned into assault "He does. Thank you, Petra" Erwin didn't dare talk for the first few moments, as Levi gripped the steering wheel so hard it hurt his hands "He's ok" "He wasn't the victim. That doesn't mean he's ok" "If something was wrong, Mike would have said" "Eren probably told him not to. We both know he likes to hide things" "He's gotten better though, hasn't he?" "No. Not really. No. That isn't fair. It's still deeply ingrained in him that he has to hide things to protect us" "Where's Viren?" "With Eren" That meant their son would have seen whatever Eren had... Shit... "Levi, we don't know what happened. We're ten minutes out" "You don't seem to get it at all. Eren. He cares for everyone. He was actually upset over the people his father killed. He took on that pain like it was his to carry. He's not fragile, but he tries so hard to make everyone around him happy. He'd even cry if something happened to you and your shitty eyebrows" "I know he's a good kid" "But?" "But he is rather emotional" "You try being tortured and kept chained up, and see how you like it. He's still discriminated against for being an omega" "That isn't as bad at once was" "If you believe that, you're a fucking idiot" "Omegas were segregated to keep them safe. They were treasures for looking at and never touching" "And whores for the rich, when their heats hit. We all know the shit that's been smeared over the truth" "Levi" "Look I don't care if you don't like Eren. Actually, no. I do. I know you two have butted heads, but he is my mate. You should at least respect that" "I didn't say I didn't like him" "That's why you've been hounding me nonstop about his mental state. You want to know the truth? Going on his medication has messed with all his systems. He's barely an acceptable weight, and he has a whole new heap of triggers that set off panic attacks. His nightmares have returned, my nightmares have returned. He also thought I was cheating on him, and wanted to break our bond because I started treating him like shit without knowing it. He lost a pup down in Paradis, that's why Hanji came down to join us, and he's so worried about everyone around him, he's hiding his pain over it all. He's brave and he's stubborn, and he's my hope. He gets twice as much shit for being a male omega, and he still stands up for himself. He's not all panic attacks and crying fits. So you need to start respecting him" "I didn't say I didn't respect him" "No. I know you too well. You've always thought he was bad for me" "Not bad. You just have a tendency to lose all control when it comes to him. He nearly destroyed you. More than once" "Being taken against his will, then forced to witness the inside of a baby farm was hardly his idea of a pleasant holiday" "There were quite a few high ranking officials that fell thanks to Floch's investigation" "And thanks to Eren" Erwin sensed his defeat, the alpha turning his attention to the beta woman in the back, Levi seriously wanted to deck the man. They'd had this argument more times than he could count. He wasn't the same person he'd been since meeting Eren, and talking to Krista had pulled up so many thoughts and emotions. He knew he struggled with his anxieties over Eren, but anxieties and worry came hand in hand with loving someone. He couldn't help it if Eren deserved the moon and every star in the sky. He loved him and he loved loving him. Even when things were rough, Eren soothed his soul like nothing else. * Completing the hand off, the beta woman smiled happily as she was wheeled away. Levi had made it a point not to look in Erwin's direction as he filled out the last of the forms. He had more important things to do. Get the forms done, then get the truth of everything out of Eren. Coming closer, Levi growled at Erwin. The man stopping just short of placing his hand on his shoulder. He didn't want to drag this up again. He didn't even want to invite Erwin to his wedding. That had been bad enough. He'd headed down to the courthouse to see about getting their marriage licence thing. The things they'd wanted on Eren's behalf had pissed him off. Eren was treated like a criminal. They wanted absolutely everything, including bank records and police clearance. Why the fuck their finances where any of the governments business, he had no clue. He'd thought it would be a simple case of presenting their ID's, but no. He'd had to take a small tree down, only for them to say each page needed to be signed by an authorised signatory. Which Mike could do, when he had time to talk to him without Erwin around. He was still yet to pick Eren's ring up... His phone hadn't survived its swim, which was probably why Eren had had to tell Mike everything. He hadn't had a chance to swing by the shops and pick up a new one... stupidly forgetting he could pick one up online when shopping for Viren. Though, in his defence, work had kicked his arse. He'd been dead on his feet when he came back on Monday night, then Viren had cried almost all night, his exhaustion had bled over into each following day since then. It was now Saturday and it felt like a whole month had passed since he returned. He'd been pampered into laziness by domestic life. Heading into the emergency department, he didn't know the woman working. Explaining that his mate had been brought in, and that needed to talk to Mike, he was made to wait in the reception area, where everyone was sniffling and sharing their shitty germs... Eren loathed hospitals, and wouldn't be happy to be there. Then there was Viren. He'd been so upset when Eren collapsed, if he witness what happened, the poor boy would probably just as distraught. When Mike finally appeared, Levi earned himself glares crossing the room before all of them. Slipping past Mike, his friend patted his shoulder, much like how Erwin had tried to before, leading him forward, he couldn't seem to find Eren's scent in the air "Eren's ok. Split lip and split knuckles, but he and the pups are otherwise ok" "Then what the fuck happened?" "He was having a late lunch with his dance partner Sasha, when he heard a cry. Leaving Viren with her, he found an omega in the middle of being assaulted" "Sexually?" "No. Though that didn't stop the beta from doing a number on their back and shoulders. Eren broke his arm, and jaw. Called emergency services for the omega and has been with her since they arrived" "He's really good with other omegas" "Her partner is on his way in. She'd come into the city for Christmas shopping, and was on her way to meet up with friends..." "Your shitty husband was just trying to tell me today how much better things were for omegas. What a load of shit. Even refuges don't give two fucks about the omegas in their care" "Just try not to let that anger show. She's pretty shaken up" "I know better than to do that. Have the police taken their statements" "It was your friend Pixis" Pixis barely ventured out his precinct these days. Things must have been desperate with the silly season upon them. Knocking lightly on the door to a room just off the emergency department, Mike opened the door slowly. Eren was sitting in the visitors chair, while Viren was bragging about all sorts of things to a very exhausted looking omega. The moment her eyes met his, she flinched away. Eren was there right away, hushing her softly "It's ok. This is my mate, Levi" "I trust you not to hurt her, but if she grows distressed, come find me" He'd planned to get Eren and go home, but of course his mate wanted to be there for the omega. Time to appear non threatening "Hey. Hey, Eren" "Hello, it's nice to meet you Levi" He noted the way the female omega didn't offer her name, and the slight tremor remaining in her frame. Moving to sit on the edge of the woman's bed, Eren wrapped an arm around her shoulders "You're perfectly safe here. I know all the doctors way too well, and if anyone does anything, Levi will jump in to protect us" "I'm not sure you need protecting. I'm so sorry you had to..." "No. I'm sorry you had to experience something like that" "You were honestly amazing. You didn't even hesitate" "Of course not. No one deserves to be made to feel that scared" Lifting Viren into his hold, Levi sank down into the visitors chair "How was work?" "Long. Erwin talks way too much" Eren snorted, then paused to explain "Erwin is married to Mike, the doctor who was there when you were admitted. He and Levi are paramedics" "Oh..." The woman frowned at the word paramedics "Who drove you in?" "I don't know. I think they were EMT's..." So Eren didn't know them "I did try to call you, then I remembered the whole phone thing. I'm guessing Mike called Erwin?" "Mike called Petra, who radioed through to us" "Ahhh... I did tell him not to. With you working, and me not being hurt" "Eren, you're a terrible liar. You've got steri-strips on your face and a wrapped hand" "It's fine. He didn't even hit my stomach, so it's nothing much. I've had worse from Viren. But we'll be talking about this when we get home. Levi might look all grumpy, but he worries way too much" The female omega forced a smile in his direction "That must be nice" "It is in its own way. Levi actually treats me like I'm his equal" "I can see why. I've never seen an omega hit a beta, or an alpha" "Sometimes it's the only way they listen..." "It was my fault, for being an omega" "It is not your fault. You cannot help being an omega. That beta could help being a douche" "I still feel responsible..." "I know. But I swear it wasn't your fault. You did nothing to deserve that" Nuzzling her hair, Eren held her close, gently calming her. Levi was strangely not jealous over the intimate contact. He was proud of his mate for standing up for what he believed in, and helping someone who could help themselves. The woman was absolutely tiny, he doubted she would be any taller than 5ft. Eren must have seemed like a 6 foot tall knight rushing to her rescue "Eren is right. You didn't deserve that. No one does. I'm so proud of you Eren" "You're truly not angry with him?" "No. How could I be?" "He hurt the beta" "If Eren hurt him, it was because it was necessary. He isn't one to jump into a fight and cause havoc just because he can" Eren blushed, flustered as he tried to get his words out "Besides, it's not the first time I've been in a fight. It, uh... it used to be semi regular. I mean, I didn't start them, but I wasn't about to let other people get hurt..." "What he means is, he used to work somewhere not so great, so regularly stood up for his coworkers" "That's so amazing for an omega. Usually no one listens. My alpha's nice, but there are so many out there that aren't" "That's true" Falling into silence, it was awkward. When Viren tugged his arm and less that softly told him he had to go to the toilet, Levi took the chance. With a look to Eren, his omega nodded "I'm going to stay with her until her alpha arrives. You probably need to get back to work" "It's fine. I'm just taking a long lunch, I want to drop you home before going back" "If you need to go..." The woman's frightened expression said it all "No. It's fine. Like I said, I know all the doctors around here. I can get a lift home" Not that he'd ask. His brat would hate to inconvenience them "And like I said, I'll take you home. I'll be back soon" Viren was more distracted by everything going on around them the fact he had to pee. The boy was so hyped up by everything, he ended up peeing on the toilet rather than in. Another thing Levi really didn't feel like dealing with, yet still wiped down the toilet, because he was nice like that. The whole trip had already taken longer than expected, with his son saying hello to everyone both there and on the way back. Eren was waiting patiently just down the hall from the omegas room "Everything ok?" "Yep. Her alpha's just arrived. And even though I've been here way too many times, I decided it would be smarter to wait here for you" "Thank you... after today, I probably would have lost it if I couldn't find you" "That good?" "Pretty much. Want to tell me what happened?" Taking his hand with his bandaged hand, Eren tugged him towards the exit "Ugh. Not if it means it's going to start a fight" "It's not going to start a fight. I just want to make sure you're ok... given what you witnessed" "I was having lunch with Sasha. There's this great cafe down from the studio, when I thought I could hear someone crying out. We were sitting out in the patio area. Sasha didn't seem to notice it, and no one else seemed to either, or they were ignoring it. Then it started getting louder, so I left Viren with her. They were both busy eating anyway. I probably looked like an idiot. Anyways, she was pinned up against the side of the restaurant, trying to get free and everyone was ignoring her. The police brought the alpha in separately, though the EMT's didn't seem too happy about us both being omegas, and having Viren there" So it didn't progress into a sexual assault... thank god for that. For both Eren and the omega "Not everyone. You did really good today" Eren gave him a shy smile, his mate still looking worried "Thanks. I wasn't sure if you'd be mad or not?" "I'm mad at everyone who walked past" "She was terrified. She kept asking him to leave her alone. I might have over done it" "From what I've heard, he had it coming" Pulling him into a one armed hug, Levi smiled at his mate "I'm so fucking proud of you" "It... was really scary" "And you handled it so well. You stayed with her and kept her calm" "I just did what felt right... I thought you might be mad" "No. I know how much omegas enjoy the contact of another omega, and how calming it is for you. You and Marco used to cuddle quite a bit" "I don't know how to explain it. It's like, really soft. Like cuddling into your favourite blanket" "Oh. Do I have to be jealous, after all?" "No. Your cuddles are the best in the world" "Mmm. That's better. He really didn't hit your stomach?" "No. He called me a slut and went to go me. All I cared about was getting him off Sophie" "Her name was Sophie?" "Yeah. I told her you might come by, so she wouldn't be scared. Viren was busy telling her all about you" Levi laughed, squeezing his son's hand as they made their way over to the door that would lead them out to the emergency department waiting room "I thought he was talking about himself" "He started by getting excited when I said "dad" and it snowballed from there" "Is that so?" "Yep. Anyway. Mike gave me an ultrasound to make sure I hadn't been hit, because I didn't remember getting hit in the face. No concussion either. I decked him in the face, and the idiot fell over his own feet. That's when he broke his arm" "Idiot" "Pretty much" Erwin was waiting for them in the waiting room, Viren yelling out of "Uncle Erwin", freeing himself to run over to the man. Levi was still pissed over their earlier spat. Tensing, Eren saw right through him "Did you two have a fight?" "Yeah, but it's fine" "Levi. You don't have that many friends. You can't fight with the ones you do have" "He was just worried about you getting into a fight" "Oh. Yeah. I don't think he and I will ever be the best of friends, but I'm ok with that. We both care about you so much, that we both think we know best" "I know" He wasn't about to tell Eren about the contents of the conversation. Not when his mate was still shaken over what he'd seen and how he'd acted. He could smell both Eren's fear and Sophie's lingering fear. "Everything alright?" Eren nodded, kissing Levi's cheek as he did. Erwin had Viren up in his hold, the four of them moving towards where the ambulance was parked "More than ok. Eren was extremely brave today" "Leeeee. It wasn't that brave" "He saved an omega from being attacked in public. I'm very proud of him" "And everything alright with you, Eren?" "Yep. Just fine. Both pups are fine, and the omega is with her alpha. It's just a few scrapes" "Mike said you were calm and collected, and kept her calm. Even though you broke the alpha's jaw and arm" "He broke his own arm. He tripped over his own feet. And, he was a beta" Mumbling, Eren was acting slightly skittish around Erwin. He didn't like that at all. Nuzzling Eren's back, his omega relaxed into his hold "I'm proud of you" "I know. You can stop saying it" "Nope" "Lee, please. I just want to go home now. I want to take a bath, and watch cartoons with Viren" "I think we can manage that" "Good. Oh, shit. I need to message Sasha. I ditched her at the cafe" "Am I going to meet Sasha?" "Yep. I invited her and Connie to Viren's birthday party" And Levi had remembered to look up trikes online, it was being delivered to Hanji's, along with a shiny red helmet for their son "I think they're really going to like Marco and Jean" "So they're coming?" "They're moving at the end of the month. Jean wants another pup soon, but Marco isn't having it" "He shouldn't have to" "He loves Jean, and he loves being a mum. Oh. He doesn't know I'm pregnant yet. Hanji's been warned that she's not to turn it into a baby shower" "I know. As far as I know, she doesn't have anything planned" "You know Hanji, she always has the best of intentions" "I know..." Guiding Eren into the back of the ambulance, his omega kept an arm around his waist as they sat on the gurney. Viren immediately wanted to play with everything as Erwin stood him up just inside the doorway, while Eren was happy to hide his face against Levi's neck. Taking his son's hand, Levi pulled him up into his lap, sandwiched between his two loves. Closing the door, Erwin headed around to climb up into the driver's seat. Looking back at them, Erwin shrugged at the sight "You three ready?" "Yeah. Viren wants to play with everything" "You're cleaning the mess up" "Don't I always?" * Dropping them at home, Eren was more than happy to be back in his safe place. He felt bad for inconveniencing Levi, and bad for bossing the EMT's around. They were going to take them to another smaller, closer hospital, but Sophie was terrified, and he didn't trust anyone else to handle the scared woman. Letting Viren go running to the sofa, Eren made sure the door was locked, about to text Levi over it, before remembering his phone was dead. He'd had enough of not being able to message his alpha. Like today, he couldn't even message Levi to let him know he was going to lunch with Sasha. He knew Levi wouldn't mind, but he felt the need to keep his mate in the loop given Levi's anxieties. They had a combined appointment with Krista, but that wasn't until after his dance wind up. Exhausted, he wanted to take a bath, but that meant leaving Viren unsupervised. His son would probably crash soon from all the excitement of the day, and a nap did sound great... scooping his son up, Eren nuzzled into his soft hair "Mummy?" "Come take a nap with mummy" "Noooo" "Viren, don't you want cuddles?" "Nooo. I want cartoons" "We'll watch cartoons later baby" "But mum!" "Please Viren, mummy has had a long day" A very long day. His nerves shattered now that he was ok to not be ok. He'd also been dancing with Sasha, and hiding that from Levi. It was hardly anything. Merely walking through the steps of the routine they would be performing, yet he still felt guilty. Hanji had told him to hold off until the start of December, which was only a few more days away... He'd have to tell Levi. Levi would be disappointed, but maybe he would understand. It wasn't as intense as pole dancing "Come on baby" "I want daddy" "Daddy has to work with Uncle Erwin" "But I want daddy" That was when the crying started. Carrying Viren through to their room, he sat him down, only for the boy to fling himself down on the floor, screaming as he dissolved into a tantrum. Instead of letting him cry, he attempted to lift his son, who squarely hit him in his split lip. Jerking back in pain, Eren finally broke down. Starting to cry, he stumbled back, sinking down on the floor sobbing. He'd seen red at Sophie being attacked. Everything has rushed back from when Zeke died, and he'd lost it. He was sure he'd called the man "Bertholdt", as he'd decked him thoughtlessly. Everything was a kind of blur, he'd even scared Viren when he came back bleeding. His son didn't know why mummy was bleeding again, but he didn't like it. Sitting on the floor with his back against Levi's wardrobe, he cried into his hands until two small hands grabbed his. His first instinct was to lash out, until his omega scolded him that it was their son. Gathering Viren into his lap, he rocked the boy. Viren crying just as hard as he did. He loved his son so much, but he hadn't thought about how badly he'd be scared by blood. Sasha had calmed him as they'd waited for the police and the ambulance to arrive, Viren didn't want to go near him at all. Kissing his son hair, he reminded himself he couldn't be like this. He was being selfish by crying in front of his son "I'm sorry baby. Mummy's sorry. Mummy's sorry. I know you want daddy. I know baby boy" Curled into each other, Eren kept rocking Viren until he fell asleep in his arms. Moving his son to his own bed, the omega then ran himself a shower, rather than a bath. With a towel shoved against the bottom of the door, so Viren wouldn't hear, he sobbed himself out. He hadn't even thought about the safety of his pups, and he was so fucking angry at himself for still being haunted by the past. When Levi got home from work, his mate seemed to know he really wasn't ok with a single glance. Striding over to him, Levi pulled him up from the sofa and into his arms. Eren crumbling against him "Bad day?" Eren snorted, nodding as he nosed at Levi's scent. His mate smelt as happy as he felt "Yeah. You?" "Absolutely crap" "Fuck... I'm sorry. When I got home, everything hit me. Viren was crying, and I was crying. But what happened with the rest of your shift?" "People are idiots. How do you feel now?" "Really fucking drained. I made dinner" "Thank you. Have you eaten?" "Not yet. I wanted to have dinner with you" "Sounds good. Let me take a shower, then we can cuddle on the sofa" "That sounds so good..." Neither of them moved, Levi laughing softly when it became apparent neither of them particularly wanted to "Levi. I need to tell you something" "What's up?" "I kind of danced today. Sasha and I walked through the moves to our routine. I'm sorry" "Eren, it's ok. I had the feeling you might, and you know not to push yourself just yet. Did you feel guilty all day because of it?" Eren nodded softly "I know you don't want to yet" "You don't need to feel guilty. We've both had a long day" "I'm sorry" "No, it's ok. Erwin made me pick up a new phone on the way home" "I was going to look them up, but..." "You fell apart. I can smell it" "I called the guy "Bertholdt"" Levi tensed, sighing as he did "Alright. You're coming with me" "What?" "I need a shower, and we both need a hug" "You do kind of smell" "I got vomited on during the first call out of the day, then pissed on with the last" "And you let me hug you" "Don't say I never do anything romantic" "You're an arse" "Mhmm. Come on" Levi was cooperative as they showered. Eren washing his fiancées hair, while Levi kept his forehead against his chest. He loved the grey hairs blending through Levi's neatly trimmed hair. His alpha was just as gorgeous to him as he was the moment Eren had met him. Trading a few small kisses, all their touches were reassuring, with no need to be sexual. He wasn't up for sex. Not after what had happened earlier. When their shower was done, Levi redressed his hand for him, kissing the wound sites and nuzzling into the spots, before disinfecting them. After their shower, they curled up on the sofa. Levi fitting nicely in his hold as they ate, it was a comfortable sort of silence, the TV playing something on the background, that neither of them was paying attention to. Sleepy and warm, he placed his half eaten food on the table, content with holding Levi. He knew his mate hadn't been sleeping well. Forcing himself not to fall asleep until Levi did. They managed a few hours sleep before he woke screaming. Levi sent flying to the floor as he started flailing. Climbing up, his alpha grabbed his shoulders "Eren?!" "I'm ok. Fuck... I'm ok" His chest was heaving as beads of sweat rolled down his face. Rubbing his eyes, Levi hovered until he was ready to sit up. Levi was a sexy kind of disoriented, sitting on the coffee table across from. His hair sticking up, with dried drool in the corner of his mouth "What was it about?" "It wasn't as bad as normal" "It was bad enough for you to scream" "It was weird... you killed Erwin, but he came back. And he had this rubber duck, and was chasing us. I don't really remember the rest, but it was weird" Levi laughed. His alpha threw his head back and laughed. Pouting, he pulled his hands back from Levi's "I'm sorry. But a rubber duck?" "Shut up. I told you it wasn't as bad as normal" "I didn't realise rubber ducks were so scary" "You know what, I was worried about you. I take it all back" "You can't take it back" "Then I'll remember this. And when you least expect it, there will be ducks" "I'm looking forward to it. But you're really ok?" "I'm ok. I had a good cry earlier while Viren was napping. I guess I was still a bit anxious when I went to sleep or something" "Anxious over ducks" "No one gets anxious over ducks" "Come here you, I think we can still get a few more hours sleep" Still pouty at Levi, Eren pushed himself up, surprising Levi by lifting him off the table "What are you doing?" "Carrying you to bed" "You're the one who had the nightmare" "And you're the one who was a dick over ducks. This my revenge" "I thought it was revenge by ducks" "Oh, there will be a great duck reckoning" "Look at you using big words" "You can't blame that on me. You're the one who's taught me how to read and write" "I never thought it would come back to haunt me like this" "You need to set your phone up" "I know. Tomorrow after work, we'll sit down and work it out" "And we need to get you a waterproof case" "That would probably be a good idea. It needs to be toddler proof too" "I don't think anything that's supposed to be toddler proof is" "No... you might be right about that one" Viren had crept into their room while they slept. The boy sleeping in the centre of the bed, out like a starfish. Sitting Levi down, his alpha smiled at their son "Should I move him back to his bed?" "No. You should sleep closer to him. Just in case I freak out again" "Eren, you don't need to be scared of Viren" "I freaked him out pretty badly, I didn't think about how scared he be over me bleeding" "Eren... it was all forgotten by the time we got to the hospital. He was happy" "I hate scaring him. When I started crying today, he was mid tantrum because he didn't want to nap. He climbed into my arms to make me feel better. He's not supposed to do that" "Let's go to bed. It's been a long day" "L-" "Eren, you're a great mum. And a great person. I meant what I said. I was so proud of you for stepping in" "I didn't even think about the safety of the pups" "Is that what's worrying you? The pups?" "I was so angry I forgot about them. It wasn't until Mike wanted to give me an examination that I remembered" "I think you're over thinking it. We've both had a long day" It was easy for Levi to say. He hadn't seen how scared their son was "Please Levi, just sleep next to him" "Alright, as long as you stay" He was planning on bolting back to his old room the first chance he got "Eren, stay. I want you to stay" He couldn't say no to that... "Even if you have another nightmare, I'll be here to protect you from the ducks" Fucking ducks. He should have kept his mouth shut. He was starting to feel anxious about it all... and stupid as fuck. Who the hell had a screaming nightmare over ducks?! "You're so annoying. Go to sleep already" "Then get into bed already" "I'm waiting on you" "And I'm waiting on you" "That's it. I'm going to go sleep in my room" "No. Ok. I won't tease you about it any longer, can you please just come to bed?" "You'll never mention it again" "Not unless you do" "Fine. Move over, I'm getting in" Levi might have promised to never mention it again... but the moment Eren spooned up behind him, his alpha quacked. After that, his desire to fall back to sleep vanished. He stayed in bed with Levi in his arms, but he didn't dare sleep. He didn't want to feel even stupider than he was.

#Riren #ereri #a/b/o #omega Eren #alpha Levi #snk #aot

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