#because ive had to take care of myself since i was 7

[lina-lovebug]

Bleeding Hearts

Part 7

Taglist: @silverhowe @happycupcakeenthusiast @vampire-hunter @simpforavillain @dumb-fawkin-bitch @mushroomlover13 @kimqueenofhell @vane28282 @namor-is-the-way @daaiissyyyyy @anyzandy @pturnersblog @cherrychupachup

Miles pov

Years ago, on Earth. . .

The love of my life was dying.

At the age of ten, my love was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was unexpected, and it happened over the course of a week.

During class, she started to seize and she was taken away in an ambulance. Her lungs were filled with liquid and with hundreds of tests done, it was confirmed she has stage two lung cancer.

She was pulled out of school, but that didn't keep me from her. Every day, like clockwork, I took a bus to the hospital to visit room 23.

And over the course of a few years, she kept getting worse.

Her parents didn't want her to do chemo, but it was her only chance of living. Her eyes were sunken in, but the sparkle was still there. Her spirit was breaking but she was still smiling. Her curly hair was coming off in clumps but she insisted she looked better bald.

I wanted to see her get better.

I wanted to see her out of here.

"Nina," I said one day, catching her attention as the nurse finished taking her blood.

"Yes?"

"Once you're better, I'm gonna marry you," Her eyes widened.

"Wh-what the fuck? Miles, don't joke about stuff like that-"

"I'm not joking. I love you, and I've been in love with you since we were kids. I'll join the military and get us a house, and you'll never have to worry about anything ever again, I swear to you," She started to cry and at first, I thought my feelings weren't reciprocated.

But she kissed me and said yes.

I had asked her fathers permission beforehand. I wanted him to know that his daughter would be taken care of, and that I would always be by her side. Her mother was hesitant, but they both knew that if I waited any longer, I would regret never telling her.

Date nights were spent in her room. I would pick up her favorites and new things to try, just to see the reaction on her face when she found something else she liked.

One night, I had fallen asleep in the room. I was going to head home, since visiting hours were done, but she wanted me to stay.

I fell asleep with her hand in mine, my back getting used to the chair I would find myself taking naps in.

Suddenly, I heard a blaring alarm. My eyes snapped open and turned to Nina, who was seizing.

“Nina!” I tried running to her side but doctors were already forcing me out. Her eyes were on mine as I was being dragged out, and she tried speaking but no words would leave her lips.

“Please, help her!”

“You can’t be in here, Miles,” One of the nurses said, closing the door infront of me. I rushed to the side window, trying to see what was going on and luckily, they didn’t close the blinds. They turned her on her side, forcing out her IV and her body wouldn’t stop shaking.

You’ll be okay.

They’ll save you, just like they always do.

But her heart rate was going down. Rapidly.

“Hey!” I screamed, banging on the glass.

“Hey, don’t you give up on me! Nina, you need to fight!” Love can make you blind. I was so convinced that she would be out of there that I ignored how skinny she had gotten, and how pale she was. I wanted so badly to believe that she would get out so I could marry her that I didn’t even see it.

She wanted to die.

She was tired of fighting.

And it stopped.

The monitor that always beeps repeatedly, all day and everyday, had stopped.

That’s when the screaming started. I wanted it to be a nightmare. I wanted to wake up as my fists repeatedly hit the glass window, ignoring the pain and the blood. I couldn’t see reason because there couldn’t be any good one. What reason was there to take such a beautiful person away? What reason was there to take her away?

Why couldn’t I just see her smile one more time?

All those thoughts were racing through my mind as I stared at the DNA results infront of me.

Ninat’ia, a Na’vi, perfectly matched the DNA results of Nina Gonzales, who died in 2120.

This felt like a punch to the gut. Like the world was saying “fuck you”.

“Anything come up?” General Ardmore questioned from the doorway.

“Nah, just some bullshit,” I replied, trying to keep my composure as I clicked delete.

Just absolute bullshit.

#avatar the way of water imagine #avatar imagine #avatar the way of water #miles quaritch #na'vi quaritch #the way of water

[omegalomania]

i would like to hear more on the patrick vs brendon vocal ability discussion if you would maybe want to rant 👀 👀 (hshsgehdv also I've recently come to know that mr urie is Not that great of a Person so appreciate you for making that post <3)

all right so full disclaimer: the last time i had any notable vocal training was like about 10 years ago. i did get some vocal training but i have undergone hrt since then so most of what i did know is pretty useless since ive never taken the time to actually relearn my range. my understanding of this stuff is old and limited so if anyone whos actually up to date on this shit can weigh in thats always great. im doing this because im a salty mccuntnugget whos had too much honey jack daniels for one night and that apparently is what supercharges me to write emo bandmember cringe compilation posts. somehow.

this got long so im throwing it beneath a cut. click for more if you wanna read about one guy on the internet having Opinions about which of these two dudes sings better

so once again: this is MYYYY OPINION im not your mom you are free to disagree or whatever i literally do not care. but an anon asked so im going to answer. here we go.

FIRST NOTE. comparisons between patrick and brendon have been going on since the dawn of the fucking age but brendon his own damn self decided to act like patrick was copying him vocally so that means i can be as mean as i want cause he started it. we’re doing playground logic here cause this is my blog and i do what i want and also cause hes that much of a cunt.

so i want to start things off with a reminder that patrick stump did not set out to be a singer! he was not picked out of a lineup for his vocal ability. he mostly just wanted to write songs, and it was joe and pete who made a point of saying "no actually you should sing." and it takes patrick a while to actually grow into his range and gain confidence as a singer since his real love is composition. it's not until infinity on high in 2007 that you really hear him growing into his own as a vocalist and it's not until the hiatus/posthiatus that you really hear his vocal confidence.

brendon got to be the singer for panic because bassist brent wilson knew him in high school and he thought his vocal ability was top notch. the rest of the band agreed. it also took brendon a while to grow into his voice. in fact in the early days before panic actually took off (aka before ryan ross badgered pete wentz into signing a band of mostly high schoolers), people on old fob forums legitimately thought that brendon WAS patrick. old articles refer to panic as fall out boy clones for probably that reason.

brendon actually made his vocal debut on a fall out boy record, from under the cork tree (which was released may 5 2005, whereas panic's debut a fever you can't sweat out wouldn't release until september 27 2005). he does a little part in 7 minutes in heaven (atavan halen) on the chorus (he does the second "i keep telling myself, i keep telling myself i'm not the desperate type") and it's genuinely something a lot of people miss, because he sounds a lot like patrick here. later in 2008, this would happen again on 20 dollar nosebleed, which gave brendon a much bigger vocal part (again he splits the chorus with patrick) but in which their vocal inflections are very very similar to the point where a lot of people don’t realize he contributed vocals there.

so there are a lot of similarities, particularly when these two guys were still growing into their voices. it was during fob's hiatus that these started to diverge, and by 2017 they would be wildly different.

patrick readily admitted a lot that he never really intended to be a singer and it wasn't until infinity on high (2007) that he made a genuine attempt to be a singer in earnest. this reticence would often show live. it wasn't until the hiatus and then posthiatus that patrick, and also the rest of the band, had a consistent live presence imo. fob had a lot of infamously sloppy shows - fun to watch, but sonically kind of all over the place - and patrick wouldn't always be the most consistent vocalist. he'd be strong one night and breathy the next, and it wasn't until the hiatus that he started taking vocal lessons.

but the improvement really really shows now. patrick is a much more consistent and powerful vocalist posthiatus, and he's reportedly incredibly diligent in taking care of his voice. that's why you often see him making these kinds of faces in backstage videos; he's doing vocal trills, which are a specific kind of warmup that helps limber up the voice preshow. they look and sound a little silly, but warmups are important to make sure you dont damage your voice. patrick has specific warmup routines and also goes on vocal rest and doesn't do a lot of talking prior to doing a show.

so brendon does double shots before every show. i’ll be honest here i tried to do more research into what goes into warmup routines before panic shows but i Cannot deal with hearing this man talk about himself more than i already have tonight so if anyone else wants to source whatever he does. please do. i would not be surprised if he treats his voice fucking atrociously but even if he doesn’t...his upper register (which is basically his one party trick in live settings) is starting to sound awful strained on studio vocals as of 2022, which is not a good look.

i also want to emphasize that even if his technical ability took time to really come into its own, patrick has always been an incredibly emotionally versatile vocalist. from under the cork tree is really the first time you get to see this shine, where patrick swings from cocky tongue-in-cheek irony (our lawyer made us change the name of this song so we wouldn't get sued) to aching vulnerability (i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth) to snarling anger and accusation [get busy living or get busy dying (do you part to save the scene and stop going to shows)]. factor in the bonus tracks and you get patrick at his most ruthless (my heart is the worst kind of weapon), his most raw and desolate (star 67), and a rare appearance of some borderline unclean vocals (snitches and talkers get stitches and walkers).

posthiatus this is even more apparent. save rock and roll in 2013 demanded an incredible depth of emotional and technical range, and patrick was noticeably a little gun-shy about actually committing to doing those kinds of riffs live, since he wasn’t sure he was going to have to perform those songs live. by 2018′s mania, i want to emphasize that you can actually HEAR patrick smiling in "sunshine riptide." on mania, you also have songs that demand a diverse range of tone and vocal depth: “stay frosty royal milk tea” is a snarling, punchy opening track that reminds you that patrick was a drummer first, but this is also paired with the eclectic edm-soaked “young and menace,” the crooning doo-wop style ballad “heaven’s gate,” the reggae-flavored “HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T,” and the closing track which, full disclosure, is probably one of my favorite songs of all time, “bishops knife trick.” and patrick pulls them all off! the best display of this was that he was able to do young and menace live in both its original incarnation and in the somber, stripped-down piano version.

also, as a note: fall out boy songs are really fucking hard to sing. the vocal range they demand is absolutely insane even if you’re not some drummer who got strongarmed into being a singer. the fact that patrick can replicate these vocals live and maintain a rich emotional diversity in tone is really, really noteworthy.

panic songs are also pretty hard to sing. they require a lot of vocal acrobatics, which was an ambitious thing for a band composed of mostly high schoolers when they started out. early performances were really rough because not only was brendon struggling, the rest of the band was struggling to perform songs live that ryan ross wrote on his computer lol.

so now is the part where i start drinking heavily so i can talk about brendon vocals. brendon has the technical talent, even if, like patrick, it took him a while to grow into it. but his emotional versatility is, imo, sorely lacking, and that was evident in early days but it would only get more glaring as time went on. a fever you can’t sweat out in 2005 had a lot of really intensely emotional moments and emotionally charged songs, but it took me a few listens to really grok that because brendon sings them all with the same upbeat energy. and you can put that down on him being an inexperienced singer still figuring his way around this whole “being a frontman” gig, but the trend actively continues and in fact gets worse over time. i think 2008′s pretty. odd. gave us some insight into this due to the pronounced vocal role that ryan ross gets on that album. he takes lead vocals on “behind the sea” and gives us some audible backing vocals throughout in a way that suggests to me that, on some level, the band was aware that they needed someone with more emotional range to counter brendon’s straight-on belting.

so it’s...kind of uncomfortable seeing brendon do said full on belting and also a borderline striptease dance to “camisado” live (which, for those not in the know, is a song ryan ross wrote about his life with his abusive alcoholic father). and i’m not gonna pretend i have any say in whether or not ryan was okay with something so ruinously personal being performed in that kind of way when he was no longer in the band, but it SURE does sit kinda weird with me!

cause brendon is a belter, and that’s just kind of his one mode. this really got more apparent after vices and virtues (2011), and too weird to live, too rare to die (2013), because there was a little more emotional range there. but that pretty much dies out after those records and brendon kind of has these two moods for everything released here on out: it’s either “i love weed” or “i love my wife” and there’s not a lot of range between. he doesn’t have much in the way of moderation. my one single experience in attempting to see panic live (in 2019, no less. it wasn’t a good time lol) was just kind of...relentlessly high-energy regardless of the song, because again, that seems to be brendon’s one setting. he frantically climbs the scale and hits really high notes to keep the energy up without ever actually letting it dial down at any point. it’s not about playing to the song; it’s about reminding the audience, constantly, of what a vocal powerhouse he is, at all times. this does nothing whatsoever to counteract how emotionally flat he is as a performer.

remember that point i made about the differences between patrick’s performance of the high-energy original flavor young and menace and its acoustic piano version? well, you get a superficially similar instance in brendon’s renditions of “this is gospel” in both its original incarnation and the piano version, but i want to point out the difference in tone here. or rather, the fact that there kind of isn’t one. contextually, “this is gospel” is a pretty somber song. it was written for and about spencer smith and his struggles with addiction before his eventual departure from the band, but it’s kind of hard for me personally to reconcile that with the way brendon vocalizes it, even in what is supposed to be a slower, more intimate rendition of it.

this got more glaring in 2018 on pray for the wicked, which gave us “dying in la” which...is i guess, brendon’s attempt at some tonal diversity on an album that was basically back to front “CHECK OUT THIS WILD PARTY I’M AT” but it doesn’t really go anywhere, imo. it builds to something, but...doesn’t actually resolve. i’m gauging this all on vocals, not lyrics, because that’s the point of comparison i’m making - lyrics are a whole other kettle of fish. it’s just like, the guy cannot dial back even for a second and as a result there is NO variation in the way he performs, studio or live. after it’s been long enough, it just kind of starts to wear at you.

another very telling difference is how different patrick and brendon’s backing vocals are. backing vocals by definition need to be much more restrained than if you're taking lead. here's patrick backing travie in 2010 - he's very understated here. distinct and audible, giving us some nice vocal harmonies, but he keeps the spotlight very truly and deservedly on travie. this is also true for studio vocals, like on the lupe fiaso track "little weapon" from 2007 in which patrick isn't even one of the vocal features. he's audible if you know what to listen for, but most of his touch comes from the track's production and composition. more recently, here's patrick doing studio backing vocals in 2017 for a cover of "same drugs" with matt nathanson. once again, he's very good at dialing things back because he's not the lead here and he knows it.

let's contrast this with the cover 2010 panic did of "skid row" from little show of horrors, wherein dallon is meant to be the lead. fortunately dallon manages to shine regardless, but it's...a little jarring that brendon is ostensibly meant to be the support here but vocally and stylistically is belting like he's front and center. another telling instance is this performance of “america’s suitehearts” featuring brendon. in fairness, both patrick and brendon sound pretty rough here since this is a hard song to pull off! but brendon is supposed to be pulling support, and he’s riffing like he’s center stage. and it’s not particularly good riffing either lol.

“what a catch donnie” is the most egregious example of this though. i’ve said this before, but brendon REALLY sticks out in a not great way on what’s supposed to be a soulful, honorary vocal feature. the rest of the fueled by ramen guys singing along are doing their guest spots in a very understated, tonally consistent fashion: distinct in their own rights, if you know what to look for, but definitely doing what they can to fit into the tone of the song. brendon comes barreling in singing DANCE DANCE like this is his fucking show, and it sticks out so badly because he’s doing nothing whatsoever to conform to the tone of the piece.

a couple more points of comparison that i personally find really interesting:

“one of THOSE nights” off of the cab’s debut album whisper war (sidebar: GREAT ALBUM. i miss this band so fuckin much man) features both brendon and patrick; brendon is heard doing the post-chorus, and patrick does the final bridge and can be heard on the final chorus. both of them are belting here, but patrick’s got a strong emotion that suits the finish without being too overpowering and also crucially doesn’t just stay...flat.

patrick actually does backing vocals on a couple other tracks on whisper war, like “i’m a wonder,” and in both that track and “one of THOSE nights” you can hear how much technical and emotional dexterity he has. the former has him belting and the latter has him doing a very restrained backing falsetto.

folie a deux era gave us two gentle lullaby pieces for pete’s first kid. the first is “lullabye,” the album’s hidden bonus track. the second is “bronx’s lullaby.” patrick does the first, brendon does the second. the first sounds very gentle and tender, and the second sounds...i mean, i can tell what he’s going for. but it just kind of sounds ominous to me. so basically i can see why most people will talk about the former and ignore the latter lol lol

did you guys know brendon was on broadway. im kidding im kidding he has literally not shut up about being on broadway and seems to have made that his tertiary character trait since kinky boots. anyway here’s brendon sounding like brendon on kinky boots and basically performing the song like any other panic song. here is patrick covering rocky horror and nailing tim curry’s part. i don’t have any live covers of patrick to have a more accurate point of comparison (he’s in his studio here so he had the luxury of picking the best take) but i just think its fucking wild that patrick wasnt the one of them to go on broadway. fucks sake man.

i COULD compare the two of these guys covering queen but that just seems mean because fob was doing a whole entire studio session and brendon was just doing it over zoom and nah im just kidding i really am that petty. anyway here’s fall out boy covering under pressure and patrick dueting with himself and managing to nail both freddie mercury and david bowie’s parts without losing his own distinctive touch. here’s brendon doing his cover of under pressure and thanks i hate it.

lastly, cause i did my fuckin research here. here are some vocal coaches taking notes on live vocals for patrick and brendon respectively. you might note that they have a lot more notes to give to the latter, a lot more cautionary tales about how much brendon pushes his voice. if they do have critique to offer patrick, it’s in regards to clips of his prehiatus performances (or for that one 2013 thnks fr th mmrs performance when he was sick lol).

the bottom line for me is that patrick, stylistically, just has more range and more versatility. he can do virtually any genre - dancehall, rock, pop, rnb, hardcore, ska, funk, and SO MANY FUCKING MORE - and he can still sound distinctly himself. and for me, brendon only ever sounds like he’s singing the same song in the same genre; molding the song to suit his tastes and his range, and not the other way around.

all right thats all ive got steam for. patrick has always been a much more distinct and capable vocalist in my opinion and it kinda sucks that general public opinion seems to favor brendon so heavily cause brendon’s basically only got one emotional setting and couches the fact that he has no vocal dexterity in a lot of high notes and everyone just eats it up. it’s a diverting tactic and it’s worked. but that kinda seems to be brendon’s m.o. these days since he’s trying to shake low opinion of him by drumming up controversy and writing a song about a dude who hasn’t been in the same band as him in 13 years so

#askin hours #anon #i had to open so many incognito windows for this cause i dont want this infecting my youtubes lol #i just use youtube to watch vinesauce streams and once a month i rewatch line goes up and sherlock is garbage #ive also said this before but its really really telling to me how patrick and brendon get involved w other artists #patrick loves music. he loves composition he loves instrumentation #he loves writing songs for people and he'll sing if he's asked to but mostly he just loves music #brendon just seems to love attention. he never takes a project that doesn't put him in center stage

[moonlightviigil]

SORRY IVE DIED

There has been SO MUCH happening back to back in my personal life and im just... so tired

i moved out of my mom's house last year to get away from a very stressful situation, and then immediately thrusted into yet ANOTHER stressful situation with my current roommate.

granted, i don't blame them for getting injured at work, but what i don't appreciate at all is that they pretty much stopped looking for work. its been about three months now that they don't have a job. leaving me to pay for full rent, my own car payments, food, gas, etc. all by myself. mind you, i work a shit minimum wage job, ALSO partially physically disabled myself... yet im still able to do what i need to do for the both of us.

they left me for two weeks without telling me, leaving me to take care of their cats, which is fine... if i was told anything. but nope. im not making money here at all since i have to spend it all on their rent and my own stuff.

it stresses me out because im the one doing the main cleaning of the place and working, while they have done nothing but play games, get high, and go over to their partners houses.

we have had a discussion about this, and it turned into me being the bad guy. they claim that (in their words, not mine) "no one wants to hire the adhd cripple."

them knowing fully well that this is the shit i wanted to get away from when i was living with my father, so i didnt have to take care of a grown ass adult who is fully capable of doing things, moved out, moved in with them to take care of their crumbling relationship with their ex, and now back to the 24/7 maid and wallet.

ive tried to talk to them about how this makes me feel, but i guess im in the wrong because they have a fucked up back and cant do anything... but they can. they feel good enough to go to their partners place... so whats stopping them from getting a job.

so just for my own sanity, im going to be making plans on moving back in with my mom so i can help her out since she got majorly fucked over by my father. i can at least have my own freedom back when i go back since my father moved out.

theres so much more on my plate that i havent mentioned. but its whatever. im just so tired of being everyones fucking maid

#cherry.txt #vent #im sorry im just so fucking tired of being taken advantage of lmaoooooo

[raincamp]

11 03 2023

discovering that i experience pathological demand avoidance / pervasive drive for autonomy (PDA) as a symptom of my autism has been fucking life changing.

i spent all these fucking years feeling so helpless, my parents telling me that im lazy, feeling like a failure because i couldnt even graduate highschool. i didnt understand how everyone else could just sit back and waste their entire lives at the demand of someone else. how they could work 40+ hours a week and not come home so exhausted that they can't even find time to take care of themselves.

i couldn't find a justifiable reason why i was physically unable to do what everyone else has been able to "just suck it up" and suffer through. working full time, being at school full time, it was all enough to make me lose sight of why i was even alive. enough to make me have mental crises. enough that i ended up in the hospital several times.

but idk, im fine when i have control over my schedule. i was thriving during COVID when school was no longer a thing i was forced to do, but something i got to choose to do. nobody was making me sit in a building for 6 hours bored out of my mind. i got autonomy over my schedule, over my life, and i genuinely haven't been able to recreate the feeling of freedom it gave me since.

and when i was forced to go to school again, despite how easy it was, despite the fact that i barely had to do anything, the mere idea of having to sit in a classroom against my will made me burn with such rage that i made it so that i had autonomy over it. i would only come to classes i wanted to go to, which meant going to school three hours late and walking out when the class was over.

now obviously thats not how highschool works so i had to drop out. after a lovely (/s) visit to the psych ward my parents stopped giving a fuck. but then it was my choice to get a diploma/GED which i had zero problem doing, i was happy to do it even. why didnt i just sit through the last 6 months of school instead? idk, to me it felt like fucking torture.

i still feel that way, working full time. working part time even. i hate it because i want nothing more than to enjoy having a career like everyone else can. to be able to have a life outside of work, a fulfilling one even. ive never been able to do that. and it saddens me. why is it that everyone around me can find happiness in working their entire lives away but not me? why do i come home everyday wanting to die? why am i the only one who sees it as an injustice that my entire life is going to be spent at the whims of someone else's demands?

i burn with helplessness and anger and pain at the mere thought. but still i suffer through as many months as i can handle at jobs until i have enough money to last me a couple months of freedom. even though i have to sacrifice my mental stability for it. even though it means hospital visits and alcohol dependency and suicide attempts.

a perfect life for me doesn't include not working though, not working feels unfulfilling, i want to make a living for myself. i want to be financially independent. i dont even mind working 8 hours a day if i got to choose my schedule. if i could wake up one day and say "nah ill wait till 2 pm to start work today" or could start work at 7 am when i wanted, take as many days off as i wanted, which honestly wouldn't be a whole lot because i find value in productivity.

its the fact that i have to follow the demands of someone else that sucks the life out of me.

and now that i have this knowledge i can learn how to use it to accommodate my struggles instead of feeling like a fuck up

- andrew

#pda #tumblr diary #im not mentally stable #mental health awareness #capitalism #pathological demand avoidance #pervasive drive for autonomy #highschool dropout #autism #actually autistic

[saltminerising]

IDK if my previous ask sent but... bought tons of tickets for roundsey last night. done that before, won low value prizes before, no biggie. today, i am banned for multiaccounting ~5 years ago, but i am listed as winner of roundsey... did i win the crown which made me get investigated? i feel bad, its like i wasted a ks item for the community without thinking. i never got to see what i won myself.

We got a lot of asks on this while we were paused, so they're all in this one post so it's not trickling out over 4 days on your dashboard!

The wild levels of clownery that the user who won the KS Roundsey prize (Gilded Crown) was immediately frozen for being a multi. :’)

i've been playing for 5+ years and had a second account in my first year because i was a stupid kid and i severely regret that decision. seeing that g from light got banned because staff investigated their account after they won the gilded crown? abysmal... i'm never putting a single ticket into roundsey again.

once again wishing staff would plunder goods trapped in banned-with-no-chance-of-appeal accounts to raffle them off. it just seems so reasonable.

the winner of the gilded crown getting banned for multi-accounting because the win caused staff to take a close look at their account, oh my god

So g won the Kickstarter item in roundsey, gets their account reviewed by staff, and gets banned for confirmed multiaccounting from 5+ years ago. Big ol F for that gilded crown </3

Well. the Gilded Crown went to a now-locked account for multiaccounting. If staff doesn't re-raffle it I'm gonna riot and I don't even care all that much about KS apparel.

How come people who are OBVIOUSLY multi-ing will win Roundsey prizes again and again, but people who haven't touched side accounts in years will be banned?

the roundsey gilded crown went to an acc that got instantly locked by mods bc they multid in 2018

THis Gilded Crown debacle makes me want to stop participating in Roundsey altogether, if they're gonna investigate winners for possible multiing. I had a couple accounts simultaneously as a kid and almost a decade ago but staff is soooo fucking trigger-happy about multiing and I've been living in fear since that even though I've abandoned those accounts entirely, they're gonna Figure It Out and ban me. Not fucking worth the 5,000 treasure per week for 10 tickets, not fucking worth losing my account. Fuck that lmaoooo

so, uh, about that gilded crown from roundsey

I think I'm more salty about the people defending/pitying G from light even though they chose to cheat, than the fact that the Gilded Crown ended up going to a multi-accounter. 

how unfortunate that last weeks gilded crown roundsey winner got their account reviewed and banned by staff for multi (years ago apparently) after winning 😭 rip crown

Oh my god, the person who won the Gilded Crown got banned for multiaccounting before they could even log in to see it. Check dev tracker for the thread where people realized (page 7)

sooo an account made in 2022 getting banned for having funneled in 2017-2018... how does that happen

This is exactly why I've been against Roundsey being the only way to redistribute KS and Y1 items back into the game. It's a very good treasure sink, yes, but we need other ways to EARN the high-ticket items.

The gilded crown went to a multi (yet again) who immediately got banned lol

the ks crown got me a bit paranoid. if i were to win a big prize one day and got all of my account history checked by staff, i could only pray that ive never done a suspicious thing in their eyes throughout all those years

lmao at someone winning the roundsey gilded crown then immediately getting banned cus staff found signs of multiaccounting on the account (evidence in the roundsey frd thread)

I think instead of re-raffling the crown staff should log into that account, put the crown on the first dragon in the lair, and leave it there forever.

is anyone else kind of bummed about that roundseys winner getting banned for former multi accounting? like the obvious solution is 'just dont multi' but it's just not fun realising that even if you broke the rules years ago and stopped, theres no point saving up for bigger items like kickstarter stuff because that black mark is permanent and youll lose everything

So the guided crown was won but then the account was investigated and banned for multiacounting. So now the crown is forever on a locked account. Staff better re raffle it off. How many KS items are forever on banned accounts

Mfs can't even lie convincingly on why they get banned. Your account is from 2022, you couldn't have funneled stuff "back in 2017/2018". Hope they reraffle that damn crown and that people stop believing banned users on why they're (mostly) all innocent angels that made one mistake years ago without actual proof.

#banxiety #multi accounting #long post

[enniewritesathing]

memory management (🚪)

(Previous Stories)

(Months have passed since the door appeared. Months being tormented by it’s presence as he and John prepare to deal with whatever on the other side of it.)

(Anger and frustration flared up between them. Impatience, really. The Werewolf was all but ready to deal with it himself. Damn the consequences. It’s bad enough that he’s vulnerable like this. The perceiving, the acknowledging, the trust. But that’s how it should’ve been from the very start.)

(Feelings that he doesn’t care for.)

(His hand stops short of the handle and he can’t go further. It’s shaking. What’s stopping him? What’s behind this door that scares him so much?)

(No. This has to be done.)

John: “Hey. Is today the day?”

The Werewolf growls softly. “Don’t rush me.”

(John gives a supportive hand. The Werewolf’s gotten better at being receptive to touch; John keeps his touch light but there’s no question that The Werewolf is tense.)

John: “I’m not. I mean, it’s okay if you’re not ready. We can always try later.”

The Werewolf: (firmly) “No. This... this needs to happen. I can’t bear to look at this stupid door anymore.”

John: “And?”

(When The Werewolf doesn’t answer, John presses on.) “What did we talk about, Vinny?”

(His ear twitches. Still not used to that.) “Don’t force myself into something I don’t want to do for the sake of it. Not alone anyway.”

John: “Listen. I know... I know. We’re both stubborn; something has to give. I don’t know what’s behind that door. You don’t either other than you’ve seen it before. Confronting it alone seems... like a bad idea.”

“I’m glad that you asked me to help. ”

The Werewolf: “Really?”

John: “Yeah. I mean... we’ve been alone in all of this. Alone together. It’s not the way to go about things. Especially this.”

“We’ve struggled. We fought each other more times than I’d care to admit.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone, okay? Your problem is my problem. Vice versa. We’ll get through this however long it takes. That’s what I want for you. I want you to thrive.”

(No signs of insincerity. He wants this resolved too.)

John: “I’m gonna ask you again and I want you really think, yeah? Is today the day? Are you ready?”

(The Werewolf mulls John’s question. He’s certainly confident and self-assured. Maybe he’s putting up a front himself. A pretty good one. His words are sincere. Nothing in his body language that says otherwise. No mixed signals. That’s what he wants. That’s what he needs.)

The Werewolf: “Yes. I’m ready.”

(John smiles.) “Good.”

(They face the door.)

The Werewolf: “I remember this door was the one to keep me secure in my... room. I could never figure out the code because it was something called ‘rolling’. Either that or each person had their own. A few I’ve heard only once.”

(He punches in the combination, the numbers corresponding in pitch. 8-3-5-1-4-6-2-7.) “This one... was the only one I memorized.”

(The door buzzes and the heavy locks disengage. The Werewolf rests his hand on the handle.)

(This is it.)

(The Werewolf opens the door. They’re both greeted by greenery in all directions and the sounds of birds making their calls.)

(The air is crisp and cool as the wind blows through the grass and trees. This place... it’s familiar.)

(Granite Falls? No. No, this is something else.)

(John scans the horizon. Just what the hell is all of this? A IV pole with blood bags? A, what is that, a tank filled with water? What’s behind those doors in the distance?)

(Part of a hospital room...?)

(An exam table with a concerning amount of blood on the ground.)

(An uneasy feeling sinks John’s stomach as he tries to make sense of this.)

(The Werewolf knows exactly what this means.)

// Next ⏭️

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #simblr #ts4 story #sims story #sims 4 story #story tag: memory management #oc: john #oc: the werewolf #i put the stories leading up to this in a link at the top #for full context #nav's p easy #the name of this is the same name of a song by Lorn #i think the vibe fits p well #here i go dropping a new story in some dumb as fuck hour

[thaliaisalesbian]

i get myself twisted in threads

Chapter 9: and the last thing you wanted

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15

Steve knows when he wakes up that Nancy and Jonathan stayed.

Nancy’s curled into his good side, and she and Jonathan are holding hands across his body.

It’s hard not to want to fall asleep again, or at least pretend until they get up and leave for school.

They don’t want him. Not even as a friend.

This is just… pity. Or something. They feel bad because he’s hurt, they don't actually care about him. And why would they? He was a terrible boyfriend, apparently, and just shitty to Jonathan. They don't have any reason to like him; it’s not like he's given them any.

'Then why have they hardly left your side since you woke up?’ Maybe they think they owe him, maybe it’s to keep the kids out, but he’s not entirely stupid. It’s not because of him.

(He can't let himself hope. Maybe they’ll tell him he's wrong… or maybe he’s exactly right and things will go back to normal soon.)

He can’t get out of bed without waking one of them up, and he doesn’t want to talk right now.

So he’ll pretend for a little longer, go back to sleep and imagine that maybe this is something he could have.

It’s easily the middle of the day when he finally sits up, alone in the bed. His jaw is aching, so he must have been trying not to scream in his sleep.

He ignores the pulsing hurt that seems to spiral from his heart down through his wounded side when he realizes that the spots to either side of him have long since gone cold.

They have school, and they wouldn’t want to stay here for him all day anyway.

Irene might be here—he always seems to sleep through her visits, though. Probably for the best; he knows that Joyce has changed out the catheter once or twice, but it’s usually Irene who does it and he'd rather not be awake for that.

El, then? She's usually here.

Or maybe Hopper took her back to the cabin. He should be fine on his own now, right? The fever broke, and sure he’s still a little unsteady on his feet but he can handle it. Especially with the IV pole to lean on.

He’ll go back to his house today, probably. Going back to school will be a little harder, but he’ll figure something out. He always has before.

He still has to find out what Hopper told the school happened, so he can stick with that story.

He pauses to catch his breath, leaning against the wall, before he tries to go into the more open living room and kitchen on his own.

“Do you think he’s awake yet?”

“He’s recovering, Nance, he’s going to sleep a lot. It’s normal.”

Nancy and Jonathan? Why are they here? Why did they stay?

“Steve!” Nancy’s in one of his sweatshirts, his swim one from sophomore year, with his name on the back. “You’re awake!”

Steve shoves that to the back of his mind. She grabbed clothes for him, it was just in that pile.

(He's ignoring that Nancy would have had to look for that sweatshirt—he hasn't worn it in a year at least and it was no doubt buried under everything else.)

He’s probably going to get that a lot this week.

“Yeah,” Steve looks between her and Jonathan. “What about school?”

“We’ve got passes for the rest of the week,” Jonathan says. “Hopper told them you were kidnapped and having concussion and other recovery issues. He and Mom are working today through Saturday.”

Oh. So that’s why they’re here. Because Joyce or Hopper can’t be.

“Are you okay to stand?” Nancy’s hovering, and she’s not usually someone who hovers. With Mike and Holly, maybe, but certainly never him.

He untangles his legs from the blanket and stands to prove he is.

It doesn’t matter anyway, because Jonathan ducks under his good arm and takes some of his weight.

“We’ve got more soup.” He offers. “Or I could make grilled cheese.”

Grilled cheese sounds like something he’ll throw up right now.

No thanks.

“Soup is fine.”

He doesn’t know what else to say. Maybe if he still had a fever this would be easier. At least when he’s got a fever, he’s got an excuse for not saying anything.

Nancy turns on the TV; one of those daytime shows he’s never paid much attention to.

He doesn’t ask what they were doing, or why Nancy’s wearing his sweatshirt, or where El is, or even just to change the channel.

Steve doesn’t know where he stands with them right now and it’s weird. Usually, it’s not this hard; he knows the script when he’s dropping off or picking up the kids and that’s easy enough.

He can't figure out why they’re being so nice about it all. No one else is here.

 They don't have to pretend.

(Steve refuses to let himself think that they're not pretending, or feeling guilty. Not after what they said, even if he wasn’t supposed to hear it.)

He doesn’t want to say or do the wrong thing, though, and make the niceness go away. He wants to keep it while he can.

It's better just not to say anything, especially because he has no idea what the wrong thing might be.

finish on ao3 or continue reading

Jonathan keeps an ear trained on the living room as he reheats the soup. Steve had been more unsteady on his feet than he’d likely wanted to admit, his face nearly grey when he stood up. Steve hasn’t said anything, but Jonathan knows it has to hurt. Steve doesn’t seem willing to admit that, though—he can understand not wanting to let on in front of the kids, but he seems to think he still needs to hide it around them.

Nothing but the TV.

He brings three bowls out, so it’s not him and Nancy watching Steve eat in silence.

This is already awkward enough.

“You don’t have to stay with me.” Steve doesn’t look up at them, staring into his bowl. He hasn’t had more than a few spoonfuls. He’d gone weeks without proper food, of course he can’t get through a whole bowl of soup quickly. “I’ll be okay. I can probably go back to my house today, anyway.”

“No!” Nancy looks like she’s going to start lecturing. “Steve, you’ve got twenty stitches in your side, you can hardly walk, you’re not going back there alone.”

“I’ll manage, I’ve done it before. Broke my ankle playing basketball freshman year and handled the stairs alright with crutches.”

“By yourself?” Jonathan can’t even picture his mom making him do the dishes while on crutches.

“Yeah. Why would my parents come home for something as small as a broken ankle?”

“Steve.”

“It’s fine, Nance—Nancy—it was three years ago.”

“Steve." She repeats, like she can change his mind.

“Can we go for a drive?” Steve sets the bowl aside. “I won’t try to leave or anything, but I want to do something.”

“I guess that’s okay.” Jonathan says, before Nancy can shut the idea down. “I’ll drive, we’ll put one of your tapes in.”

“Jonathan, what? Why would you agree to that?”

“You can’t tell me you wouldn’t get bored sitting in a house all day.” Even though he knows that that’s not what’s going on here; it’s close to lunchtime for the kids at school and he suspects Steve knows that. It’s a nice enough day that they’ll probably be eating outside, and if Steve wants to drive by and see that they’re okay he’s not going to argue with him about it.

Or maybe Steve wants to see Hawkins free of vines and black goop, and driving around town will help him more than staying inside.

Either way, Jonathan’s not about to deny him something as simple as sitting in a car.

“Steve, you’re still hurt, it’s not safe.”

“I’ll be sitting in a car, Nancy. I won’t even be driving.”

“Jonathan, what would your mom say?” She turns to him, trying to get her on his side, and he knows she’s just worried about Steve, but making him stay here isn’t going to help anything. 

“She probably wouldn’t mind, as long as we’re careful.” He shrugs. “Besides, I can guarantee that at least one of those kids forgot their lunch.”

Steve perks up a little at the mention of the kids, and he sees the moment Nancy realizes what’s really going on.

“I bet it would be nice for El if we brought her something to the cabin, too.” She suggests. “She and Hopper have spent so much time here lately I doubt they have the fridge stocked much.”

“We could pick up groceries?” Steve’s sitting a little straighter now, even though it looks like it hurts. “I try to do a weekly run because Hopper is busy and I like to teach El to cook different meals.”

“A small one, maybe.” Jonathan agrees. Letting Steve take care of the kids—even if he's not supposed to be doing anything—is probably the best thing they can do for him right now.

“You’re not going to let me cook, are you?”

“Not standing, anyway.”

It’s not as awkward as it was just an hour ago when Jonathan pulls Steve’s good arm across his shoulders, taking as much of his weight as Steve will let him.

Nancy watches Steve in the rearview mirror. He’s hummed along to a few songs, nothing like the way he used to sing while he drove, loud and outrageous just to make her laugh. He’d wanted to be alone in the backseat.

His knuckles are white clutching onto the extra lunches they’d made. She’d made, while Jonathan had helped Steve change and clean up a little.

They go to the middle school first. Steve doesn’t even have to roll down his window and shout to get the kids’ attention from where they’re eating on the curb, because they know Jonathan’s car as soon as they see it.

“Steve!” Dustin crams in first, shoving Steve against the door, ignoring his wince, or maybe just not catching it. “Are you supposed to be here? Are you okay?”

“Move it, nerd!” Max pokes at Dustin until he lets her get close to Steve, too. “He wanted to see me, we all know I’m his favorite.” Lucas climbs in after her, but he just sits on the seat quietly. 

“No, I am!” She’s afraid she’s going to have to step in for a minute, but Steve dissolves the fight before it really starts.

“I don’t have favorites, shitheads.” He tosses Will one of the bags out the window; at least he and Mike aren’t fighting to get in the car too. Then she’d really have to step in and rescue Steve.

“Just don’t tell them that you’re my favorite, kiddo.” He stages-whispers to Will, and Dustin falls back into Max dramatically. She rolls her eyes and shoves him off towards Lucas.

“No! Steve! I’m supposed to be your favorite! I met you first!”

“And I’m the one who helped you with the bus!” Max pushes Dustin a little harder, that time.

“Well, he helps me with basketball, so I think I win.” Lucas doesn’t even try not to look smug, and god, Nancy never thought she’d see the day where her kid brother’s friends are fighting over who Steve Harrington likes more.

Mike rolls his eyes at all of them, but he’s always had a thing about Steve, so she’s not too worried about that.

“How long do you have before class?” Jonathan asks Will. 

“What? We’re not going back to class! We can spend the day with Steve, right? And go to the arcade or something?”

“No, we can’t. Steve can’t go to the arcade, he’s hurt.” Max elbows Dustin maybe a little too hard. 

“You’re going back to class.” Steve fixes them all with a look she’s only ever seen on her mom and Joyce Byers before. “I just wanted to—”

“Come check on us?” Will finishes quietly. “Thanks, Steve.” He reaches through the window to hug Steve as best he can. “Come on, guys, we don’t want to be late to class. Thanks for lunch.” He hugs Jonathan through the front window, too, and waves at her. Mike doesn’t bother, following him immediately. 

Max takes the other two bags, and Nancy pretends not to see Steve tugging her braid gently and kissing her head.

It’s not like Billy Hargrove is the shining example of a wonderful older brother, after all. They’ve never gotten the full story about that night out of the kids or Steve. At least, she hasn’t. Maybe Joyce and Hopper know more. 

Lucas and Max have to pull Dustin out of the car to get him to leave, and then all three of them watch as they drive away.

None of them speak until Jonathan puts the car in park again. Nancy wants to ask Steve why he keeps looking at them the way he does. It reminds her of the days after Tina’s party, when sometimes she’d catch him looking at her with a tired kind of sadness.

Like he was just waiting for her to decide when she’d leave.

“You’re not going in, Steve, Nancy will and you and I will stay out here.” Jonathan clicks the locks on the car door when they park. Steve could pull it up easily and get out anyway, but he doesn’t. He’s pale, and not entirely focused.

“Okay.” She glances at Jonathan, but he seems determined to see this through, even if Steve looks like he’s drained now.

Maybe they’ll talk. Maybe Jonathan will be able to get Steve to say something, anything, and they’ll be able to figure things out.

“Tell my mom what we’re doing, would you?” Jonathan leans over to whisper in her ear. “I’ll keep an eye on him.” 

Nancy nods, kissing him quickly. She doesn’t want Steve to know they’re talking about him like this, even though if he were paying attention he’d know anyway.

She’s got a list, from Steve. He hadn’t been able to write it down, so she’d had to do it for him.

“Nancy!” The store is empty, so Joyce hurries over when she walks in. “Is something wrong?”

“No, no, nothing’s wrong. Steve wanted to go for a drive and we checked up on the kids at school. He wants to go see El now, and wants to bring her something.”

“That’s sweet of you, to drive him around.” Joyce visibly relaxes when she realizes nothing is going on. Nothing bad, at least. “How has he been?”

“Jonathan’s been helping him walk, and he’s been a lot quieter than usual.” She double checks the list as they walk the store. “I think checking up on the kids made him feel a little better. If it were up to him, I don’t think they’d leave his sight.”

“I was the same with Will, at first.” She laughs a little. “You should talk to him.”

“I know.” She wants to, but she doesn’t know how to bring it up.

‘Hey, Steve, I’m kind of actually a little bit in love with you, and Jonathan, and Jonathan loves you too, and we both want to date you.’ seems like it would be a little overwhelming.

But between how he’s been acting and the look in his eyes, she doesn’t think he’d believe her.

She's pretty sure he still thinks they hate him.

It all feels overwhelming, even for her, and she’s usually pretty decent at handling this stuff.

Okay, not really, but she would like to think she’s gotten a little better.

“I hope you’re not letting Steve cook.”

“Jonathan’s already told him he has to sit on a stool.” Joyce shakes her head.

“Have you told Hopper about this?”

That’s what she’d been forgetting.

“I’m sure he won’t mind.” Joyce is quick to assure her. “Steve is at the cabin most days as it is. That’s the last of your list, dear.”

“Thanks, Joyce.” She manages to fit all of the bags on her arms. “I’ll see you tonight, probably.”

“Don’t plan on it; El is likely to want to keep Steve for the night and don’t think Hopper and I haven’t noticed how you and Jonathan haven’t left him unless we make you.”

Yeah, they have been pretty obvious about it.

“And, Nancy,” Joyce starts, “You can’t let this linger. I know none of you are ready to talk about whatever issues you’ve had lately, but sometimes there isn’t a right time to have a conversation, there’s just a time.”

Joyce is right. Nancy doesn’t know how she knows, because she hasn’t said anything and she’s sure Jonathan and Steve haven’t, either.

That doesn’t matter, because she’s right. They'll have to talk soon. They’ll have to find out what, exactly, Steve overheard and what he thinks they meant and correct it. But she doesn’t want to hold that conversation when he’s practically bedridden, not if she can help it.

No one had ever told her that growing up would be this complicated.

<- 8 10 ->

#stranger things #steve harrington #nancy wheeler #jonathan byers #stoncy #stoncy fic #the party #joyce byers #dustin henderson #lucas sinclair #max mayfield #will byers #mike wheeler #stranger things fic #st fic #st s2 #hurt steve harrington #steve harrington fic #whump fic #whump writing #i get myself twisted in threads #whump #hurt/comfort #post season 2 #wip update #nix writes #ao3 #ao3 fic #mom steve harrington #he shows up briefly but he's there

[11queensupreme11]

hi! ive had some hilarious thoughts about arsenic blues, its living in my mind 24/7 i cannot.. i love it so much already

so im having discussions with myself about it, this is my latest plot lol this is quite loongg

my latest headcannon and imagination:the ror three brothers ehem sleeping 'arrangements' vary differently, esp since apparently mortals arent included on their menu. before zeus became the old man that he is (about at least 100,000 years ago in my head) probably sleep around not as frequently as whore zeus in pjo and myths, and our ror fave version actually mostly has safe sex, would you look at that pjo/myth zeus take notes. besides the quintessential gods/goddesses he had from goddesses nymphs titans etc he has no other kids.

poseidons so funny to me because hes very late in his awakening lmao (500,000 years ago in my estimate, the goddesses and nymphs have been waiting for a billion years for him to notice them and even then all he does is a side glance lol) its a slow buildup of horniness, dude almost has no emotions, his capability to be horny must be stunted too lol hes like what is this stirring below my body, so annoying but well gotta take care of it, his partners are so happy to be chosen even if hes a stiff ass bitch in bed who only takes what he needs blegh, makes sure to not give them even a drop of his ehem, not in the mouth or anywhere else because duh no children, and these immortals could have a trick to get impregnated through the mouth or something lol. better be safe. and then percy says hi lmao. anyways, the goddesses asks when the next time is, preparing to be told he wants them again next week, and hes like 'what next time?'.. and then its between a thousand years to a couple thousand more before the next session again lmao.. and sooo, when its only been a few centuries and hes felt the stirring of his loins lol  because of percy, mf is confused. 'i could usually go on without it for 20,000 years but my daughter's making me so horny oh no' dudes proud hes not a whore, hes perfect he says

and hades is just a chad virgin, idk what else to say. let him be the elegant god that he is. probably finds doing it disrespectful to the prospective partner, to himself.. and to his brothers lmao 'oh no i must lead an example for my brothers, let me look at the list of my brothers' partners just to check theyre not sleeping with the wrong sorts, im talking to you zeus even if you dont really listen'..

if persephone isnt in ror, which i dont think she is (hades is too obsessed with his brothers to bother with her anyway), i think poseidon hades and apollos named attacks and weapon based on diff goddesses is more like a reference by the mangaka lmao theyre like yeah sorry we're not showing those goddesses, but here they are as a battle move. because really? poseidon naming an attack medusa alope demeter because he slept with them is unlikely, he'd probably be beyond disgusted this bish bigtitty man ugh, also some of them are humans i think. besides his bros this ass probably forgets all the 'filths' names.

i hoped we got a little more worldbuilding in the manga, its hard to put the pieces of the events together since we dont really know which to discard from the myths to make sense of the ror canon. so im grasping at straws weaving ror canon and my arsenic blues headcannons lol.. dont get me started on the ragnarok fights, i have a lot of problems with them. the stab stab stab of poseidon and hades makes me want to bang my head against the table. you have the king of the seas and king of the underworld and make all their attacks stab hard and stab harder, its a waste to me. i saw youre planning to change parts of the ror fights, and i hope the fights itself and their attacks would be changed for the better. i love your writing so much, i have no doubts you can do it justice.

sorry, tangent lmao so yeah, hades probably /spoiler/ a virgin. but percy will change that, right? ehe

i want your thoughts on this pleasee lmao i have a lot more but this is the only one i had the patience to write down because horknee lol feel free to tell your arsenic blues canon if you want please im worldbuilding your story in my head already lol im so excited for it, tsunami has taken a backseat for me im sorryyy but im loving both nonetheless

im sorry to say that hades.... is NOT a virgin in my fic 😔 he is very much a chad, but he's a chad with 💦experience💦

i answered an older ask about whether or not persephone's gonna be married to him, so if you REALLY wanna know then you can go check through the arsenic blues tags to go find it. there's not many posts yet so you should find it fairly easily

but the thing you pointed out about poseidon's sex life is so funny to me. imagine being a deity and being SOOOO horny on main for this one sexy ass god and when he finally has sex with you, he's so repulsed at the idea of you carrying his baby that he does the literal most to make sure you never get pregnant. then fast-forward several eons later, and you find out that only did he somehow sire a daughter with a MAGICAL GATE, but he's also HORNY for that daughter too AND he wants to get her pregggers with his kid 😭😭😭😭😭😭

like that is just WILD 💀

#👸🏻| asks #👸🏻| arsenic blues

[red-might-be-dead]

You should theoretically use this ask as an excuse to ramble about the prince au👁️👁️

Theoretically

tigers101? THE fnc guy? in MY asks? what a day

(i totally didn't spend ten minutes screaming at my beta reader about this, nope, nuh uh (she says hello))

heads up im pretty sure im a shitty writer so dont expect too much from this fic lmaoo

as of right now the au doesnt have a name (weeps and cries) i have only ever named one of my wip fics well and it took like two months (weeps and cries AGAIN)

the whole au is set across their lifetime from 7-9 to 25-30 (possibly to older if i do an epilogue who knows) and its probably going to contain a lot of my attempts to be funny, as well as my attempts to be romantic and angsty, we'll see what happens!

i have only written one chapter so far, its about 2k words that i wrote in one night and then edited in two (its a blur, dont ask). its set when the albatrio are around 8 and their older siblings (Ava, Lizzie and Edyn) are around 14-15. maybe all of the chapters will be about 2k words? i might fizzle out and die though so... then again i have a 10k wip in my drive that was supposed to be multi chapter, i dont know if i will ever publish that lmaoo

i think most of the fic will be in chips pov since i feel like i write him the best, maybe some gill pov?? jay pov even?? who knows! not me thats for sure!

it wont only have fnc in it, it actually has more waning crescent in it as of the first chapter. i think it should have some clockwork rivals as well!!

i might not even finish it though, but ive had like a fuck ton of support for it over the last few days which is MENTAL, like i haven't even started it yet, where did you all come from???

also expect british spellings. i am sorry. i might have to use the word mum. or colour. im so sorry.

i dont really have much else to say about it other than the fact it's plot was though up during a three hour car journey and there is like an unconventional arranged marriage trope??? i don't even know if im using that word correctly but im to sleepy to care.

also the entire google doc is in multicoloured comic sans because i am incapable of taking myself seriously, goodnight :D!!

#asks #jrwi fnc #jrwi riptide #red rambles relentlessly #this time about my fic!!

[spitblaze]

I haven't played Y6 for myself yet, but I'm a very nosy person, so I need to ask you what exactly happened in the game /lh

uuuugh okay im gonna put the thing that fucked it for me under spoilers

so at the beginning of the game Haruka runs away from home to do. something. she has a kid. and gets hit by a car. shes out cold in the hospital for like 99% of the game. bad start already, yakuza will never beat the misogyny allegations. The game is also EASILY the most racist the series has ever been since yakuza 2 and if you've played yakuza 2 that should ring some fuckin alarm bells

if it doesnt: yakuza 2 had a crooked cop who turned out to be a good guy actually. because he shot every korean he ever saw on sight and it turned out that every single one of them belonged to a secret evil mafia. every. single. korean. in one of the busiest districts of tokyo. you cant fucking make this up

anyway despite all that Yakuza 6's plot is pretty dang solid right up until the end of the final boss. The game was intended to be a send-off for Kiryu, his story was over, and someone else (Ichiban!) would take the reins. It wasn't, like, perfect, none of the characters you'd really WANT to see for a 'Kiryu Dies' ending were there, even though I love the Hirose clan. But still, if it had stopped there and Kiryu died, Yakuza 6 would still be a solid like...7-8 out of ten. Mechanically solid if simpler than its predecessors, a nice cohesive plot (5 was a mess. it was such a mess), and an emotionally satisfying resolution.

And then. The after-credits scenes.

So Haruka woke up from her coma only a little bit before the final boss, and we see her having a good time with her kid and the kid's dad, it's sweet, Kiryu is writing something at the desk but we don't get to see it. But in the after-credits scene, we do! It's a reflection on the themes of the story, of the many fathers in the game who took the familial bonds with their children for granted and how that came back to bite them, how patterns they didn't want to see repeated reared their heads because they didn't put in the effort to stop it, didn't think to speak to their children, didn't think to show them love or care, because to them it was a given that parents and children have a bond. Never mind that any bond requires effort to maintain. And Kiryu talks about that in his letter, how he regrets not spending more time together as a family, speaks about how sorry he is for doing the exact same thing that all of those antagonists did.

The entire time this scene is going, it frequently cuts back to Haruka playing with baby Haruto on the other side of the room as he writes. Haruka, the child that Kiryu took in and raised. He's supported her and all of the kids at Morning Glory since 3, gave his everything for them, sent money and kept leaving and disappearing just to keep them safe. And what does Haruka do the moment that Kiryu can no longer be in charge? She does the same thing. She learned it from him. She disappears, runs away from her responsibilities to sacrifice herself. She's Kiryu's child through and through, even if she only ever calls him 'ojisan'. It cuts to her while Kiryu talks about family. And failing as a father figure. And how he wanted to be so much more. The fact that Kiryu is writing a letter instead of saying it out loud feels a little odd, but not that weird considering his character. He's emotionally constipated, speaking from the heart is something he just can't do on the spot. Being open with his emotions is one of his big weaknesses, and writing this letter for Haruka, knowing he probably won't come out of this final confrontation alive, is still a meaningful gesture from him.

AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THE LETTER WAS FOR FUCKING DAIGO DOJIMA, A MAN WHO IS LESS THAN TEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN KIRYU, WHO HAS NEVER ONCE CONSIDERED THIS MAN A FATHER FIGURE AND KIRYU HAS NEVER ONCE CONSIDERED A SON. IT'S FOR DAIGO. WHY IS IT FOR DAIGO??? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHY IT'S FOR DAIGO HE DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING THE ENTIRE GAME HE WAS JUST SITTING IN PRISON IF KIRYU WANTED TO TELL HIM TO BE DIPLOMATIC WITH THE HIROSHIMA YAKUZA HE COULDVE JUST SAID THAT BUT NO WE GET A LETTER ABOUT HOW KIRYU CONSIDERED THIS GROWN-ASS MAN HIS CHILD??? AND NOT FUCKING HARUKA WHO HES BEEN BUSTING HIS ASS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME???????? WHAT THE FUCK. WHY. WHY WAS IT FOR DAIGO. IVE BEEN BANGING MY HEAD FOR THE PAST SEVERAL DAYS OVER THIS WHY IN GODS NAME DID THEY MAKE THE LETTER FOR DAIGO

God. Okay. That's not even the end of it but that's the part that pissed me off the most. The last part that made me go 'you know what they should've just killed kiryu actually they shouldve put him out of his misery'. is when he gets bribed by a politician to keep his mouth shut about the Plot Boat. And his condition for silence is that he wants to fake his death. And he can never see his family again. So it ends. With Kiryu. Yet again. Running away. From his responsibilities. God. Its so infuriating. Do you see now why the ending retroactively ruined the entire game for me. Do you understand my pain

#spitblaze says things #yakuza #yakuza spoilers #yakuza 6

[poems-of-a-lover]

This is in regards to that post you made today, about anon messages. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don't really know where to turn.

Basically, I was born into a very controlling religion, probably borderline cult known as Jehovah's Witnesses. They believe they have the "truth", and that they need to remain separate from the "world" as Jesus supposedly commanded because the end/apocalypse could come at any time and they need to stay away from Satan.

I'm 17 now, about to start my last year of high school this fall and I'm a gay trans man (very much not to the knowledge of my family). My best friend since sixth grade is also trans, and I'm surrounded by lots of queer people (I live in a more accepting area/state). Thankfully, my parents were not in the position to homeschool my siblings and I, even though they had been considering it.

However, all these details lead me to a fork in the road.

A principle of this religion's foundation is preaching the "good news", from the youngest age a person is at any sort able to participate, spending their Saturday mornings every week going around neighborhoods and attempting to convert any and everyone they can.

I've been struggling along for the last 5-7 years or so since I mentally fell out of the religion's traps. However, once I turn 18 I have to commit myself to the religion, which I am in no favor of doing so.

Counting down the months, I find myself stuck in what direction to go, come out to my family (not in the queer sense yet, but rather just saying I don't believe in it anymore) and risk losing them entirely, or stay stuck in a place that is making every attempt to subdue and oppress me into a pretty, feminine, docile girl. I'll lose my mind if I have to stay in here any longer than I absolutely have to, but I don't know how to leave.

I'll turn 18 before I graduate, and I don't know what will happen past then. How do I take care of legal documents, doctors, college, those sorts of things (that part is largely rhetorical). My best friend has offered to take me in if/when I need it, and I think he said his parents/living-in family was alright with it (he's told them about me and my living situation), but I don't want to burden him cause he has his own issues--that's the same reason I'm writing this to you rather than asking him for help/advice again.

I hope you can find it in you read all of that, I'm sorry its so long but I felt it was necessary to fully explain it all. Also I wanted to thank you for your blog, I know there's not really any point to that but it's nice to read and see when I'm feeling down, it helps me feel validated in my identity. Have a good day/night/whatever's going on.

first off, im so, sorry that ur stuck in a position like this. u shouldn't have to be stuck in that type of position with those outcomes and those losses, and i really hope ur able to get out of there safely soon. i know it seems like it might be a burden on ur friend to take up his offer, like ur imposing or taking advantage or whatever reason, but if that's the safest option, i definitely recommend it. at least until ur able to come up with a more permanent/long term plan, it's good to have a safe place with people who respect u. ofc i don't know what it's like to be in a religious family like that, so my advice is from the perspective of someone who doesn't know it firsthand, but i feel like forcing urself to ignore ur identity for the sake of someone else's beliefs and comfortability will just cause more harm than good. i do hope ur able to live ur life the way u want, without having to water down or oppress ur identity for the sake of others. it will get better, maybe not now or soon, but eventually. if u ever need to talk about anything else, my inbox is always available for things like this!! and im so glad u find comfort in my blog, ive gotten that from a few ppl actually, that seeing queerness and loving men in a positive and safe light is helpful. again, if u ever need anything, my inbox is open <3

[iviarellereads]

Nona the Ninth, Chapter 13

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For detail on The Locked Tomb coverage and the index, read this one!)

(Third House icon) In which we see an old... friend?

Crown stands, bows, taps her chest thrice with an open palm in the BOE way, and then untapes Pyrrha from her seat. Nona hears the bodyguard ask to leave, because the "package is late for work."(1) As Crown escorts Nona to the bathroom, Nona asks why Pash hates them so much.

Crown was so startled that her jaw relaxed. “How could you have known that was Our Lady of the Passion?”(2) “It’s … it’s bones,” said Nona, struggling to articulate. “Beneath her clothes. The way she moves her bones,”(3) and Camilla looked at her for the longest time.

Crown says Pash is the product of nepotism and bullshit, and gets defensive over her hair's natural manageability.

While Nona's in the bathroom, Cam asks to see "her". Crown says it's not a good day, but Cam insists she can help. Crown agrees as long as Pyrrha doesn't tag along. When Cam gives Nona a choice between coming for the visit or staying in a waiting room, Nona chooses the visit. She hates how she always falls for those choices. If Cam offers her cereal or eggs, she'll choose cereal, despite wanting to choose nothing.(4)

At any rate, as they go down the elevator, Cam and Crown discuss how the depth does or doesn't help, considering "the creature" isn't fully instantiated(5), or they'd know it. Shortly, Nona realizes they're visiting the Captain, cheerfully. When the lift stops, they go down some corridors, and Crown dismisses the guard on the room.

Nona hasn't seen the Captain since before Varun appeared. Pal banned Nona from seeing her altogether. She's laying on her back on the bed, an IV in her arm. Crown has them all use antibacterial gel, as Judith gets sick easily.(6) Judith herself looks very thin, and ill. Cam and Crown discuss her care.

Nona peeked around Camilla’s arm. The Captain’s black brows drew together, and her face took on a hideous expression: a flat tangle of features that scared Nona so badly that she wanted to go to the bathroom again, right until the Captain opened her mouth and droned, punctuated by huge wheezing lungfuls of air: “Dust of my dust—such similar star salt—what they did to you and what they wrung from you and what shape they made you fill—we see you still—we seek you still—we murdered—we who murder—you inadvertent tool—you misused green thing—come back to us—take vengeance for us—we saw you—we see you—I see you.”(7)

Judith starts thrashing, as if in a seizure. Pal does some healing, and Crown calls him out on existence. She knew when she called Cam "Millie", because Cam hates that name but Pal didn't react. She's known for a long time that Pal wasn't in the bones that Harrow expanded, despite Cam not saying anything. This was just confirmation. She knew, really, because Cam was no longer perpetually unhappy. They were stuck together a long time, so Crown knew something had changed.

Judith stirs, wakes, enough to do a bit more healing of her own. She's not quite mentally stable in time and space. Her mind seems to wander back and forth in time, and she only sometimes seems to understand where she is, though she always recognizes Crown.(8)

The Captain broke off and said, “You think you’re walking the tightrope with fast talking and your face … steeled myself to the talking long ago. But you’re slipping, Princess … can’t save you from that … Hect, my hands are too filthy to save you…” It was funny to think of anyone wanting to save Camilla. The Captain’s eyes restlessly passed to Nona. Sweat was beading on her temples. The Captain focused, and said hoarsely, “Ninth, where is the mercy of the Tomb? Where is your sword in the coffin? Who are your masters now, and who do you master? Where is my cavalier, Reverend Daughter? Where is yours?” Her voice rose. “Because I saw her in the waves—she was there in the grey water—I saw them all—they hurt me—where is my hunger? I eat and eat and eat without surcease, my green thing, my green-and-breathing thing…”

Pal does some magic to put Judith to sleep, and says his time's up. Cam comes to, and Nona tells her what occurred. Cam asks Crown if she'll blab, but Crown swears on her sister, she won't, it's not her secret to tell.

Cam suggests Crown come back with them, but Crown brushes off the idea. Cam says Crown isn't a good woman, but Crown says none of them are, except Nona, who takes this as high flattery. Crown hugs Cam, and then they set out for the transport home. Crown tells Cam to be careful around Pyrrha, there's much Cam doesn't know about her.

Nona hated anyone criticising Pyrrha and cast about for a change in topic. She said, “What was the Captain talking about before she fell asleep, and when we came into the room? What’s the water? What’s the hunger, and the green thing?” When Camilla and Crown looked at her, she realised she could not have said anything worse. Crown looked at her with open bewilderment, and Camilla looked at her with an expression that Nona hated instantly. She looked over at Nona with her big, borrowed grey eyes, so clean and clear—Nona always thought if soap could be grey her eyes would be grey like soap—and she was unsure. She was, Nona realised with a pang that made it all the way down her spine, frightened. “Nona,” Crown said slowly, “The Captain didn’t say anything when you came into the room. She only screamed.”(9)

=====

(1) What package? Or, perhaps, who could this "package" be? (2) Not a lot of direct quotes on the whole phrase, but Mary, mother of Jesus, is often referred to in flowery terms as Our Lady of [something], and at least one painting of her and baby Jesus is known as Our Lady of the Passion. In it, angels are holding the future tools of Jesus's torture, as he learns that he is destined to suffer greatly. Side note, "Pash" as the nickname, is also slang in some regions for making out, noun and verb. (3) Nona knows the language of the body, how each person carries themself. She can tell Cam from Pal when she's paying attention, without even seeing their eyes. Why not able to tell one person inside layers of armour and disguise, by the way they stand, walk, move, hold still. (4) A classic trick with kids. Offer choices, to give them a sense of control over their lives, but limit those choices to only things you can/want to offer. Cereal or eggs for breakfast? Mac and cheese or rice for lunch? Brush teeth before or after bath? Little choices can make a big difference to a person's confidence in their life as they grow up. (This trick also works for a lot of adult neurodivergent folks, who get overwhelmed by too many options.) (5) You may recognize the same roots as "instance" in this one, but it's not exactly in the usual usage. "Instantiated" basically, as you might grasp from context, means present, physical, real. (The etymology is interesting to look at, "instance" has quite a word-legacy.) (6) Still not fully recovered. Makes sense, I suppose, it's only been… a year and a half. Or perhaps it's Varun's influence that set her back. (7) There's a whole, whole lot of information in there. Do you see any of it, without my pointing at the specific words? Who is Judith speaking for, and who is she speaking to? (8) That's love for you. (9) And here... why did Nona understand the screams as words? Why didn't the others? What makes her different? (Do you know who she is yet?)

#the locked tomb #tlt #nona the ninth #ntn #nona the ninth spoilers #ntn spoilers #nona #coronabeth tridentarius #camilla hect #palamedes sextus #judith deuteros

[mikoriin]

yeah i wouldve loved to share my experience with them!

i am a former trans man now cis woman, and i was on testosterone for about a year and a half. my initial dysphoria when it came to my female body was do to trauma. i saw womanhood and my body as being an object for mens use because of what i went though and also with everything going on in my life at the time of my transition i thought i needed to take control. control of something, anything. so i took control of my identity. if i was a boy, men wouldnt desire me. if i said i was trans then i meant it. and i was, and i was happy

however, when i began to physically transition when i was 19 i noticed something was wrong. i was becoming a man and i realized…this isnt what i want. this isnt what i need. my trans self was a way to protect the little girl that had been abused for so many years and when i saw myself become an actual man i didnt like it. i felt even worse dysphoria about my body. and so i stopped testosterone.

i hadnt begun my detransition until late 2019, right before we moved. i was very very confused because i no longer associated with who i was then, and being a man was miserable to me. i cant remember everything going through my head at the time, just that when i thought of how i would like to present, and what would make me the most comfortable, i felt being woman aligned was best. for a while i said i didnt care what people referred to me as, that i could go any pronouns or presentation. but the more i opened myself up to what i was thinking and feeling, the more i missed being feminine and girly and being myself. everything masculine that i ever did was performative because i wanted to be respected and seen as who i said i was. and i still think that if you tell someone ‘this is who i am’ even if its only for a short period of time, they should respect that. you shouldnt have to perform to be seen as the gender you are or you feel you are at the time. 

its been four years so far off T and 3 years since my detransition. i have my periods again because i am on birth control and let me tell you birth control REALLY helps. my boobs perked back up, my hips got wider, facial and body hair no longer grows as thick and as fast, weight distributes differently. i am a Woman. and ive never been happier with myself in my life. 

not everyone who transitions is going to be happy with the results, and that may lead them to detransition. however, that doesnt mean you arent still trans if you feel cis isnt right for you. you dont even have to physically transition at all to be a binary trans person either! gender is such an array of colors and sounds and textures. its different for each person. i was happy when i was trans because it protected me, but i no longer need that protection now because i am an adult who is recovering and healing from my trauma. play with your gender, experiment, research and identify with things that seem right to you. there is no wrong way to be trans, or even to be cis. and i wanna say, if you do realize youre cisgender in the end, no matter how long it has been (for me it was 7 years i identified as a boy) there is nothing wrong with it because at least you have the experience. 

#replies #detransition #this is a big touchy topic but im open to discussion!

[hikari-ni-naritai]

You know the drill embly. Show me those prime numbers

:scree:

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

dont get smug with me bitch i BURN my bridges

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

genuinely couldnt tell ya, it depends on both your definition of virginity and whether or not my ex lied to me. she sure did take mine tho

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

havent had a chance to hang out with kay for a while but hopefully this weekend!

7. What happened tonight?

BRAKES BLEW OUT

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

love being able to answer these as Girl. anyway there is exactly 1 .

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

hopefully clear p4s!! if jeim and his girlfriend are free lol

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

shit girl at this point its you <3

19. Have you had sex today?

ansewred this before but ill fucken do it again, im not allowed to have sex for another month, doctors orders

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

i dunno anymore. they used to be. we were both blue. but ive gone significantly more gray now.

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

answered this one already but i still miss kay shes still sleeping

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

no thats the one i trust!

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

my demi ass doesnt even find people attractive at first sight. absolutely not lol

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

mmm i wanna say late May? i came back from my surgery and there were some cupcakes in the fridge. they were weird but not bad!

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

i embarrass myself in front of everyone. yesterday i confused arknights attack speed with attack interval while talking to kay and almost imploded creating a neutron star and destroying the planet

47. Who was the last person to call you?

lets check. its a number i dont recognize. i wanna say it was my patient coordinator for my surgery? i dont know for sure.

53. Is Christmas stressful?

nah i basically do nothing for it anyway except buy gifts for people i like

59. Take a vitamin daily?

nope but i really should

61. Wear a bath robe?

no but i REALLY should that would fuck

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

oh you KNOW a bitch love her sunflower seeds

71. Can you curl your tongue?

haai~

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

recently yes!

79. What was the last concert you saw?

answered already, it was dream theater

83. Can you swim well?

not like, competitively well but im very capable of keeping myself afloat and moving quickly in the direction i need to go. not that ive gone swimming since . god when was it. since i was 23? like 6 years ago? i miss it but not with this body lmao

89. Which are better black or green olives?

answered this already too, i dont care for olives but the black ones on sausage and olive pizza are good

[dizzythegreat]

all you need is time PART ONE

Time Machine

relatable, hits hard man :(

made me want to cry

i interpreted it as being about wanting to go back to your childhood, wishing you could go back to where you started, to your roots, before you grew up and changed and who you used to be dissolved into memory

the fact that the word “electrons” appears in the song makes me strangely happy. its an uncommon word and its just so cool that it’s in there

the parts about the world ending could be interpreted in a lot of different ways, for me it felt like a cry for your life falling apart around you, collapsing in on yourself like a dying star and wishing you could just go back and undo it all

“we could try a little harder” vs “if i go back, will i do it all the same?” would you truly re-do all the mistakes and experiences that brought you to who you are now? would you try harder and be better, at the cost of the person you are now?

favourite lyric: “should we go back to where we started?”

amazing. 9.6/10

Glitter

taught myself the hand choreo from the video and was unreasonably proud of myself

mostly skipped this one in favour of the new songs tbh because ive listened to it religiously since it came out in 2021 

still a banger though, 8/10

favourite lyric: “i neglected my plants to prove i would”

I’m Just Another Person Oh God

RELATABLE AGAIN

craving adventure, magic, glitter -- but you’re just another person, oh god, and you were not made for this

falling too far down the rabbit hole, seeking excitement and instead finding danger

thinking you’re invincible -- and realizing all too quickly that you’re not

thinking that the world is much kinder than it actually is

ties back into the overall theme of wishing you could turn back time, change what has already been done, regret and nostalgia (all i had i want it back)

favourite lyric: “i prick myself on glass 'cause it shines like glitter”

honourable mention to “where is the rest of me? in a paper boat lost at sea?”

solid 7.8/10

Aluminum

hmmm this one’s a hard one

absolutely adore it, the vibe and the vocals are just 😩

im sure there’s an amazing theme hidden in here somewhere

can’t really relate to this one as much as the others, probably why i’m missing it

the bridge hits hard though, wishing you were more than you are, wishing for adventure and stories to tell, feeling like you’re wasting your potential

im getting all wrAPPED UP in aluminum 

favourite lyric: “i've got bags in my eyes filled with dreams i let die”

another fave lyric: “i wanna be a giant/i want a story to yell/make use of all this crying/make something outta myself”

immaculate, 8.7/10

Cry In The Mirror

ok so at first i definitely misinterpreted this one i think

i took it literally, she likes seeing herself cry, a take on narcissism? 

however now i think its more of a sarcastic “yeah, because i just love seeing myself cry in the mirror.”

because she talks about the doctor not believing her, saying shes just tired, its all in her head and she just needs to get out of bed and start being productive

favourite lyric: “if all of our time is made out of questions then why do we lie making up answers?”

overall its amazing, not one of my faves if im being honest but its still so good, 7/10

Tell Me Have You Been Dancing

deluding yourself into thinking that you’re on their mind as much as they’re on yours

the relationship, whether romantic or not, died a long time ago. but you’re still wondering and caring for them because you know them like you know yourself

being willing to make amends and put yourself back together, but not knowing if they will love you back. should you stop? should you let rest the pieces of what you were?

hopefulness, longing, resentment, beauty

favourite lyric: “your body's contagious, i wish it were mine

so beautiful, the instrumentals are absolutely succulent. 8.9/10

Liar

YES!! ROCK VIBES

absolutely love the “i exhausted ALLLL THE WORDS I KNOW”

i forget where they said it but this song is about having a crush on your friend and not knowing if they like you back

dropping hints and hoping, praying that they like you back

but you know they dont

do you see me as just a kid? which one of us is the oblivious one

sick of this game, you are not the only thing that can make me happy and im sick of pretending that you are

amazing, everything about this song is just amazing. love the message, love the vibe, love the OUTRO

favourite lyric: “and i am quiet because i am scared of what i want/and i am tired of thinking it’s you and nothing else”

9/10

#daisy the great #all you need is time #music #new #indie #indie pop #my new obsession #my personality for the foreseeable future

[nonamem9]

tanay rizal trip thing from 3 weeks ago (rough details sorry) (bad storytelling)

monday and tuesday

resort is called Martessem

went to tanay (duh) on the days where my sister has to go to school since its schools days but she didnt due to no one taking care of her (awesome schedule)

throughout the whole 2 days, me and my cousin played chess on his tablet as we wait for the meals (best idea honestly), he checkmated 3 times, a stalemate, and i only won once on chess960 without knowing, we all individually chose our own dishes, me and my sister chose the meals as a duo

our room is G1, cousins' at G2

on the 1st day we ate the meals on the restaurant in the resort, both dinner and lunch

the time we ate our lunch is at 3PM due to travel time since us at antipolo are gonna ride at the van my tita was at, she's at taguig. i forgot what we ate.

looked at the view and i saw the clearest rainbow ive ever seen, and technically my first rainbow i saw since on other times i wasnt paying attention or see it clearly

this might've the mighest place i've been in since flying an airplay several years ago back when i was a toddler, the clouds are nearer to my reach

i put out the laptop and its overheating as fuck on sleep mode, draining the battery that i charged to max for nothing, had to force turn off since its lagging as fuck.

in the back balcony with myself, my sister, and my male cousin, said cousin is talking about his preference for shitting out water since its more comfortable in great length and detail, we lost our shit laughing at such absurd, disgusting and vile conversation topic. we've struggled to argue against it due to how hard we're laughing, can't barely hold it in. me and my sister jokingly called this the poopshitters podcast.

i tried booting in my laptop and connect to the wifi, you must put in the token password (lasts for 1 day) via the pop out website for this hotspot (if thats the right term), they gave a lot of these password tokens when we first arrive to the room. hopped on discord and told (i think) the spica discord that im here in tanay (doxxed)

laptop is lowbat so i get my charger and try to connect to the wall outlets, the thing is that there is no 3 holed wall outlet, no 3 prongs, we didn't brought an adapter because who the fuck does that while traveling, so i had to accept that i cant use this laptop again throughout the day.

at night my tita's employees/friends came in to my surprise and they bought in cup noodles, ate the mildly spicy one as my sort of mini dinner

i struggled to sleep my ass and move a lot, producing squeaky bed sounds as i roll, to much to the elder's dismay

2nd day we woke up

chess and chess960

ate breakfast at the resort's restaurant, i think i chose bacsilog/baksilog?

i found out that all of this was for my tita's daughter's brithday

resort people did the happy birthday thing, they drizzled chocolate and spell out "happy birthday!" on one of their plates

back to room interacting and such, apparently according to my mother, during night someone knocked on the balcony door and she checked and no one is there.

traveled to a restaurant that has a minigolf thing, a massive swimming pool, two of them this did not became our lunch destination since they said "the kids cant rallt do things here" (??? we never really did anything at the future two restaurants) so we went back to the van and traveled again

i ate shrimp sinigang and garlic rice for lunch in the a new restaurant by the mountainside (the one with a video that i posted)

back to our units at G1 & G2, oh yeah and G3 since the one that arrived at day 1 nighttime, recorded the "M" pool video

back to the van traveling

tempura for dinner, my first time eating it, dipped in sauces and such.

our family got home a day earlier while the rest will continue until wednesday, my sister got sick and nose snotty hence we go home.

while on our way home us and the van driver are mesmerized by the 5 motorcycle and approximately 7 people gang/riders where they guy at the front does the turn signals and the rest of the group who're in a line formation follow. i joked about our van driver being hypnotized by it and forgetting about the part where we go home and instead chasing them. lmao

in the entire 2 days at the traveling by van part, we shuffled seat to seat, from the furhtst of backs, the middle row, and in my case, got the front seat (i called shotgun, dibs on that [what am i even saying??]). saw the beautiful views that didn't bore us, didnt took photos though so there's that.

yeah i think thats all of it about the tanay trip

its 2:27 AM now, january 31 as i finishing writing this feeling thirsty.

#tanay rizal