#because its not like sometimes i need life advice or even just like normal comforting from my mom

[builtbybrokenbells]

Gold Dust Woman | iv

Driven to the brink of insanity, y/n turns to her best friend for advice in her time of need. A Sunday brunch paired with day drinking leads to a world of new information she hopes will help her to better understand the new world she is caught up in.

Read part three here

Pairing: jake kiszka x f!reader, sam kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 12.5k

Warnings: sexting, sort of phone sex I guess, dirty talk, name calling (ish?), pet names, touch of praise, teasing, drinking, swearing, gossip (is that a warning? idk anymore guys), mentions of cheating, but nothing super heavy for this chapter! sorry if i miss any!

in my hungover state I present you with this! I’ve been waiting to write this chapter literally since I’ve started this. it’s super important to the plot and I think clears up a lot of stuff!! plus it’s a good little summary of everything leading up to this chapter. also id just like to say a super sincere thank you for the love i have received on this series. it was a big step out of my comfort zone and i was really worried that it wouldn’t be enjoyed, but you guys are so kind and supportive. i <3 you all. as always, enjoy, be kind, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes 🫶🏻

The tiny diner was overcrowded for its size, but still as welcoming as ever. Cheer and comfortability radiated through the air from the minute you stepped inside, never failing to brighten spirits. The small booth in the very back corner was routinely reserved for you and Danny on your Sunday outings. Brunch, always, but it was normally followed by some sort of wholesome activity to fill the afternoon. Then again, it didn’t matter what you were doing; time spent with Danny was always wholesome, and quite fulfilling. His friendship was one of your most prized possessions, mostly because you never really experienced anything like it before him. The conversation was never dull, radiating a type of safety that made you feel like you could tell him anything. Jokes were always well timed, advice was free-flowing, and a gesture of comfort was routinely available if needed.

Sundays were your favourite day, because you got the opportunity to spend time with him. Sometimes, the other boys would join, but that was rare. Even if they opted not to, you were fine with that, because you knew that the booth in the very back would always be reserved for two. That day was no different; you picked Danny up from his apartment at the usual time, and you both showed each other new music discoveries from the prior week. After the high stress of the weekend, you were happy to return to some type of normalcy, even if your regret for your careless decisions were constantly looming over you. When you arrived at the diner, the familiarity of the scene wrapped you up in a warm hug.

When you settled in to the seat, you placed your purse beside you and your phone face down on the table. The morning had started in a strange way, still leaving you frazzled hours later. After yesterdays activities, you had woken up tangled in the bed sheets and wrapped around Jake Kiszka. You never thought you would find yourself in such a state, but the reality of it was all too overwhelming to ignore. Although it wasn’t a bad start to the day, you were still aching with residual stress from the entirety of the situation. When he woke, too, the feeling seemed to wash away. There was a few hours where things seemed perfectly right, instead of troublesome; laughing and kissing your way through the earliest hours of your day, cooking breakfast and sharing cups of coffee along with stolen glances and smiles. It was beautiful in its own twisted way, making you genuinely believe you could spend the rest of your life doing just that. Once he’d left you on your lonesome, the guilt creeped back in like a disease, eating away at every part of you and taking you for its own. It had yet to satiate, even with Danny in front of you and a promise of a good day.

“You look terrible.” He stated, taking a sip out of the coffee mug the waitress had quickly delivered. Your eyes snapped up to him, shocked at the blunt statement.

“Thanks?” You furrowed your eyebrows, a small laugh stuck in your throat.

“No, not like that.” He corrected, placing his menu on the table. There was no need for it; you both had tried the entirety of the menu the restaurant offered, settling on your favourites long ago. “You always look pretty. I mean, you look like you just saw a ghost.” He was right, you couldn’t deny it. The bags under your eyes were darker than ever, skin pale and eyes distant. You were a mess, definitely looking like yourself but a mostly just a shell of it. It didn’t take a detective to figure that out.

“Yeah,” you chuckled, unsure of how to respond to his statement. “Guess I just haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Penny for your thoughts?” He shot back, his gaze unwavering. You shifted under the stare, feeling like he had already picked up on your predicament. You hated that about him; he always seemed to know there was something on your mind, even if you exhausted every way to hide it. It was just a Danny thing, and you had picked up on that long ago. He cared too much, noticed too much. Secrets didn’t exist around him, and perhaps that was why you were so excited for this particular outing, subconsciously hoping you might be able to get at least something off your chest.

“I don’t know if there’s enough time in the day.” You grumbled, taking a long sip of water from your cup. “I wouldn’t want to make your ears bleed.”

“I’ll strike you a deal.” He offered, causing you to look up at him. “Bottomless mimosas on me, and a shoulder to cry on.” You eyed him, nervous to agree but comforted at the thought of speaking your mind. “What’s said at brunch stays at brunch. I’ll drive home.” His invitation was very tempting. As much as you felt like you should keep the turmoil to yourself, the idea of advice or even just to confess your mistakes was overwhelmingly alluring. After a moment, you decided you would have to say something, even just an elusive idea to get some kind of answer to your internal debate.

“Deal, but it stays between us.” You finally said, realizing that if you didn’t speak your troubles aloud, they would eat you alive. Besides, there was nobody in the world that you trusted more than Danny. You knew you could probably confess murder and he would only ask how to help. “But my lips are sealed until those mimosa’s get here.” You smiled.

When the waitress came to check in and take orders, you both settled on a meal and Danny was sure not to forget your drinks. As you waited for her return, you struggled to arrange the thoughts in your brain. You had no idea how to explain the situation to him, or even where to begin. You were scared he would think differently of you, even though deep down, you knew he wouldn’t. The whole thing was sick and twisted, and you were so on edge that you thought you might combust. The last thing you wanted was to lose your friendship with Danny because of your inability to understand your own feelings. When the champagne flute was finally in front of you, your stomach churned with unease. You looked up to meet his eyes, but found he was already waiting in anticipation.

“So, what’s going on?” Before answering, you grabbed the glass and made quick work at finishing the liquid in one go. You figured you’d need the courage to tell this story.

“Remember that lesson we were talking about?” You asked, checking the flute to make sure you didn’t miss any alcohol before setting it back down.

“Vaguely,” he smirked “but I don’t think you ever told me exactly what it was.”

“Yeah, because I still have no idea what the fuck it is.” You let out a nervous chuckle. “I made a really big mess of things, and I have no idea how to fix it.”

“Okay, don’t panic. We can work through it together.” Your heart warmed at his words, feeling a little better just at the thought of his input. Even if he were to tell you that you were an idiot, you knew you deserved it. There had never been a time where advice from Danny hadn’t helped, even if it was only for a moment. And, although you hated to admit it, he was almost always right. “What kind of mess?”

“A big one.” You said, unable to find a better way to describe it. “I guess I probably have to go way back to the start for anything to make sense.” You sighed, placing your head in your hands. Your plan for keeping your feelings quiet had crumbled long ago; if you were going to tell him anything, you would have to explain it all. “The lesson was Sam. I’ve been in love with him for months.”

“Mhm,” Danny nodded, pausing his response as the waitress walked over to replace your drink. Once she was out of earshot, he spoke. “I had an idea.”

“Was it that obvious?” He quickly averted his eyes, not wanting you to see his face as he reacted to your question. You could tell he was trying not to laugh, finding your inquiry quite funny. “Oh, god.” You groaned.

“No, not exactly obvious.” He lied. You let out a groan, embarrassed that everybody seemed to know about your crush. “I don’t think he did, though. He’s pretty oblivious.” He comforted you, the second part of his statement much more genuine. “Why is that such a big deal?” You audibly laughed at his comment, realizing that he had no idea the extent of the problem.

“He never gave me any idea he liked me back. Flirted with girls at my house, acted like I was just another one of the guys. I never really felt like I meant anything more to him.” You explained. “And I was too much of a coward to say anything. Thought it was better if I kept everything a secret. I didn’t want to risk losing you guys as friends. I like you all too much.”

“We like you too, y/n.” He smiled, finding your worry silly. He knew that whatever happened, he still wanted to be your friend. You were his solace away from the chaos of his band mates, and to him, it was the best thing in the whole world. You gave him a soft smile, taking a moment to sip at your drink again. “No matter what, you’re always going to be my Sunday brunch date.” He assured you. You let out a long breath, now preparing to get into the deepest part of the conversation.

“So that night, after you and I talked, I figured that I had to snap out of it. I spent every weekend watching him, hoping he would make a move, or even give me some sort of hint that he acknowledged I existed in any way other than a friend. I was tired of waiting. I wanted to have fun, so I asked you to play beer pong.” He hummed an agreement, letting you know he was following. “And I partnered with Jake.” And what a grave mistake, that was. “I was drunk, and at first it was friendly, no different than usual. Then he started looking and talking to me different. It wasn’t bad, obviously, but he was very clearly flirting.” You paused, noticing the small smile he was fighting back. You tried to ignore it, not liking the way he was looking at you. “I was really drunk, and it felt really nice to be noticed. I shouldn’t have entertained it, but I did. I played along with him, thinking it was harmless. The game ended, we went out separate ways, and I figured that was the end of it. It should have been the end of it.”

“It wasn’t, though, was it?” You shook your head at his words. The conversation was stopped by plates of food in front of you and another replacement for your empty mimosa. You took a break from the grievous topic to have a bite to eat before continuing. After a few moments, you answered.

“Nope,” you sighed, popping the p to accentuate the impact. “We talked for a little while longer, then I went to the bathroom. Heard someone playing my guitar in my room, so of course I had to check.” You cursed yourself for not knowing better. “There he was, playing so well that it draws you in without a second thought, looking as pretty as ever.” He got a laugh out of your statement, never hearing two compliments sound so much like insults. “I joined him and we talked for a while, completely normal stuff.”

“You guys hooked up?”

“Ah!” You snapped, pressing your finger to your lips, silently telling him to keep his voice down. He let out a hearty laugh at your dramatics, knowing that nobody in the vicinity gave a single care about what you were talking about.

“So that’s a yes?”

“Yeah, sort of, I guess!” You said, exasperated at the thought of recalling that moment aloud, especially to someone so close with Jake. You took another long drink, hoping the alcohol would calm your nerves. “I went to bed, and I didn’t know what to think. Part of me was thrilled, but a bigger one never wanted to do it again. I felt so guilty, almost like I cheated on Sam even though he had no idea I liked him. How stupid is that?”

“It’s not stupid, y/n. I think it’s pretty normal, actually.” He shrugged. “We live in our own head, and when we like someone so much, especially for a long time, it kind of starts to feel real. I think you feeling guilty is actually more normal than not caring. Means you really do like him, and it’s not just a surface level thing.” The confirmation was nice, but also made you feel even worse. You felt as though you shouldn’t be allowed to have feelings for Sam anymore, especially after how you spent your morning. “I take it that’s not the end?” He chuckled, picking up on your sullen expression.

“No,” you groaned, burying your head in your hands again. “I wish it was, but no.” He reached over, looping his fingers around your wrist and gently pulling your hand away from your face. You glanced up at him through your eyelashes, noticing his smile.

“It’s okay. What’s said at brunch stays at brunch.” He promised. You gave a slight nod, letting your hand fall into his. He rested them on the table, giving yours a reassuring squeeze.

“When I woke up and only saw you three in the living room, I kind of thought he regretted it, too. Figured he sobered up and… yeah.” You laughed, not feeling a need to get into your insecurities. “I was nervous, still feeling pretty guilty, but we were all hungover so I just blamed it on that. Things felt normal for a minute, when we were all just sitting and falling asleep. Then he came back. From the minute I saw him, I knew he didn’t regret any of it. He gave me my coffee. My coffee, exactly how I order it. He remembered, and I don’t even think I’ve ever told him.” You mumbled, feeling a blush rise at the memory. “We ended up going to the basement, and nothing happened, really. We kissed and talked, and we kind of agreed he would stay after everyone left.”

“That doesn’t sound bad.” He reassured you. You narrowed your stare, causing him to back down instantly.

“Aside from the feelings thing, no.” You admitted, feeling bad for giving him such a harsh look. “While we were playing songs, everything felt fine. It was fun, I wasn’t nervous or worried about anything, and I thought that maybe things would be fine. I know Jake isn’t the bad guy; he’s not someone I wouldn’t want to fall in love with. I think I’d like it, actually, if the situation were that simple. He’s always been kind to me, he’s funny, he remembers things about me that nobody bothers to. He cares about the little things. He pays attention.”

“And Sam doesn’t.” He affirmed. You nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly.

“He never has. I feel like I wasted months loving someone who didn’t give a shit whether I was around or not.” Danny looked like he wanted to protest, but bit his tongue instead. It was your time to vent, and he wanted you to say what you needed without interruption. “I went to the kitchen to get more coffee, more comfortable with everything. I thought maybe if Jake and I spent enough time together, the feelings for Sam would just be… obsolete. I’m sure it would have worked, too. But, he just had to follow me.”

“Sam?” You nodded, giving him a bit of clarity. You were so worked up that you were rushing yourself through the story.

“Yeah, we just chatted for a minute, both drank our coffee like normal friends. Then he tried to hold my hand! And then tried to hint around that he liked me, too!”

“He did not,” Danny sat back in the booth, letting his head slump against the seat, internally cringing at his best friends terrible timing.

“Sure did! The whole confession was pretty funny, actually. Not to me, but definitely to someone! It was like god was sitting up in the sky laughing at me while it happened.”

“He’s so stupid.” Danny groaned, clearly exasperated himself. Danny was so unapologetic about his secret love of girl talk, and it made you incredibly happy. He really was your best friend in every sense of the word.

“Yeah, and I was a little pissed off! It made me feel like I was only worth loving when he was afraid he couldn’t have me. We argued for a few minutes, and he basically pried the confession about Jake out of me so he could use it for his own personal agenda! Then, he got this grand idea that he’d make it into a competition between him and and his brother to see who can win me over.” Danny gave a wince at the thought, already aware of Sam’s thought process before you even said it aloud. “I told him it was a bad idea, and I meant it. It is a terrible idea.” You clarified before telling him any more. After a few moments of silence, his eyes were urging you to continue. “We kissed.” You sighed. He let out another laugh, like what you had said was a joke rather than something you deeply regretted. His hand squeezed yours once more, another gesture of comfort. “What’s so funny?”

“No, no. You tell your story, I’ll talk later.” He assured you. With an air of discomfort, you accepted the deal, deciding to purge yourself of the last bit of the story so you could get it over with.

“It was fantastic. Something I’d been waiting forever to do. It almost felt wrong because it felt so right. So I planned on ending things with Jake. It was the right thing to do; I know if Sam had kissed me even a day sooner, there would have been no problem or conflict. I would have been over the moon.” Danny gave a hum, understanding what you meant, but not certain he agreed with it. Still, he held his thoughts back until you were finished. “You guys came in, and Sam left. Jake was still in the living room, because I told him to stay after everybody went home. I went in to talk to him, fully prepared to end things, but when I saw him, it was like it disappeared. He’s just so… captivating. Like, when I’m around him, he’s the only thing that exists.”

“Yeah, he does have a pretty big personality. Hard to ignore. He’s quiet, but I think that’s part of the charm.”

“Yep, because everything that comes out of his mouth is perfectly thought out.” You snipped, angry at the thought of his perfection. “He started talking, and he knew Sam and I had done something in the kitchen. I didn’t even have to say anything to him. There was a lot of back and fourth, kind of unimportant. I don’t even think I could explain it, anyway. But, he basically said that they both had feelings for me and they decided that they should both have a fair shot at winning me over. Isn’t that fucked up? That they decided that on their own, and didn’t tell me?”

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“That’s what I thought! Anyway, whatever. Doesn’t matter now, I guess. He said some cryptic shit and I told him to leave, but it was mostly just because I was pissed off. I don’t think I really wanted him to go. Like I said, it doesn’t matter, because he stayed the night, last night. He left before I came to pick you up.” You sat back in your seat, defeated still, even after talking through the whole thing. The words being spoken into the universe only seemed to make you feel worse about the predicament. The only hope you had left was that Danny would have some sort of miracle advice to help you out, but you didn’t want to keep your hopes too high. “I think Jake’s been feeling the same way about me as I feel about Sam.”

“Okay.” Danny said, showing you that he was sufficiently aware of your predicament. “My turn?”

“Please.” You urged, finishing the last of your drink. You barely had the glass back on the table before the waitress was there to replace it. You were starting to feel the buzz of the liquor, realizing that you were genuinely getting day-drunk just to forget about your own mistakes. You were at an all time low, you decided. Your usual attitude towards relationships had continually assured you protected yourself, never letting anyone get to close, and never falling for anybody too hard. It was lonely, but loneliness was much preferred to how you were feeling in that moment. Now, in addition to a broken heart and a guilty conscience, you were scared you were going to lose the only true friends you ever had.

“I’ve known Jake and Sam for a long time. It’s a blessing and a curse. I love them to death, they’re family. Fun to be around, great friends, all that mushy shit. But, after so many years, you pick up on the bad stuff, too.” You were intrigued, now. As the fourth glass of the heartache remedy slid down your throat, you felt yourself leaning in closer to the table, not expecting a response like such. You thought Danny would call you on your bullshit, tell you that you were an idiot. You prepared yourself for that, still, because the conversation wasn’t over. It was still a possibility, but you certainly didn’t think his advice would lead in with the Kiszka’s baggage.

“You mean to tell me they’re not perfect? That god didn’t hand craft them and put them on earth just to make the rest of us feel bad?” He had another hearty laugh, finding your tipsy smile hilarious. Your ability to joke even through your turmoil was heartwarming.

“Seems that way sometimes, but no. At least I don’t think so.” He reassured you. “Jake and Sam are a lot more alike than everyone thinks, and not just physically. Sometimes, they’re more alike than Jake and Josh, which is incredibly hard to do. I mean, they’re brothers, so it’s expected, I guess. I didn’t notice it when we were in high school, but Jake wasn’t around as often. Once we all graduated, we started making music and spending a lot of time together. I think that’s when I realized how similar they were.”

“Mhm,” you agreed, wholeheartedly believing him. The two were strikingly similar in lots of ways, despite a few blatant things that offset their shared traits. You could even tell through their touch, or the small interactions that left you guessing if they previously conspired what they were going to say to you, or if it was just their Kiszka nature.

“Their taste in girls has always been one of those things. Over the years, girlfriends or flings caught interest in the other brother, or vice versa, and it was always a bit messy. It seemed like if you fell for one of them, you’d eventually fall for both of them. Or if one of them fell for you, the other would, too. It’s really fucked up, actually.” He gave a little chuckle, trying his best to explain the observation. “They caught on to it pretty soon, and fought over it once or twice, but it never seemed to cause an issue between them. They’d be mad for a few days, then they would move on like it never happened. I don’t know if they accepted it, or if they just didn’t care. Personally, I couldn’t do what they do. It would drive me crazy.” He added, clearly letting on that whatever he was leading in to was common, very deeply rooted and still pressing. You could see in his eyes that the idea was unsettling to him. “For a year or so, whichever way it went, the other just admitted defeat and moved on.”

“Oh, wow.” You breathed, trying to wrap your head around his words. It felt like you were learning deep lore about them that you weren’t supposed to know.

“I wouldn’t be telling you all this if I felt like I shouldn’t be, but it seems like they’re back to their old ways. Trust me when I say it’s much harder on you than it is on them.” You nodded, agreeing with the statement. The whole twisted relationship had given you nothing but turmoil since it had begun, and you were desperate for insight on how to fix it. To them, it just seemed like another day’s work. “Our first real tour, Sam fell super hard for a girl we met at a bar one night. Like, I mean head over heels, stars in his eyes, the whole nine yards. He got her number, and they were in love before we even left the bar. They ended up getting together, and things were really great between them. She even came along with us for a few weeks. They were happy for a while, but then Sam let tour life get to him, I think. He fucked up, hooked up with a random girl and threw the whole thing in the garbage. It was absolutely his fault, and I’ll never defend him over it, but he was young and had no idea how to handle the fame, even if we weren’t that big back then. He seemed to cling to every bit of attention he got. I know he regretted it as soon as he realized what he did, but obviously it was too late. I don’t blame her for leaving.” He shrugged. You were watching intently, immersed in every word.

“Now, I don’t know for certain what happened. Nobody talks about it anymore, and we never really did back then, either. It’s in the past, and everybody wants to keep it that way. But, that girl ended up in Jake’s bed after the big blowout. I don’t know if she initiated it, or he instigated, but it didn’t really matter, anyway. Sam found out and went insane, and he wasn’t interested in knowing who started it. They fought, like really fought, fists and all. We thought that would be the end of the band; they didn’t speak to each other for weeks. Rehearsals and concerts were constantly tense. The girl wasn’t even in the picture, anymore, Sam just felt betrayed and Jake didn’t want to admit he was in the wrong. Before, I don’t think he was ever really in love with anybody, so it didn’t matter as much. But that time, Sam reached his breaking point.”

“Holy shit,” you didn’t care about anything else happening around you. The story was captivating; both boys were very closed off, never giving too much away about themselves. They’d always answer questions if asked, but you never really heard much about the past, especially relationships. You were realizing why, now. “Poor Sam.”

“I guess.” Danny shrugged. “In that situation, yeah, but he’s not innocent. After they made up, he never let it go. He wanted to get back at him, and he did. Ever since then, Jake never had a chance to have a relationship. The minute he showed interest in someone, Sam was already trying to win her over. At first, I think it was just a coincidence. They’re similar, they like the same type of girls, obviously that can cause some issues. After that, it was different. Clearly intentional and meant to be hurtful. I stopped feeling sorry for them a long time ago. They know what they’re doing, and neither of them want to be the bigger person and apologize. Over the years, it’s just grown into a big mess.”

“So that’s why they’re doing this?”

“Yeah.” He felt no need to lie. “They’ve always been competitive. It’s a brother thing. Sam more than Jake, really. I think it’s because he’s younger, maybe feels inadequate sometimes. But to be competitive over girls with real feelings… I don’t like it. After so long, they learned to take the loss and move on. Better luck next time, to them. They mope around for a few days and then they’re back to best friends like nothing ever happened. The girls always end up getting hurt in the end, and that’s the fucked up part. They can hurt their own feelings as much as they want, but I don’t think it’s right to do it to anyone else.”

“That’s why Jake knew what happened in the kitchen. And Sam was so certain he was going to win me over. They’re masters at the game.” The whole wicked, devil-like persona’s were making more sense, now. Every move was thought out, meticulously planned and executed with grace. They’ve been playing this game far longer than you’d even been a part of it, and you were curious if they even had real feelings at all, or if it was just a part of the spiteful process.

“Masters, I’m not sure about. Cocky and annoying, absolutely. I don’t care what they have against each other. They have to settle that between themselves, not bring anyone else into it. All of us consider you a friend. A best friend. What they’re doing hurts everyone, but clearly it’s been hurting you the most.” You finished your drink, looking around for the waitress to get another refill. You were in information overload, more questions and worries filling your head with every second that passed. He picked up on the nervous energy, giving your hand another small squeeze to bring you back to reality.

“Do you think they even care about me, or is it just to piss each other off?” His eyes widened, realizing how easily you could have interpreted that from his story.

“No, y/n, not like that. I can’t speak for certainty on everything, but I am pretty sure Jake’s head over heels for you. He always perks up when we talk about you, and he’s the first one ready when we’re going to your place. Most of the time, he’s begging us to hurry up. I can see it in his eyes. We all see it, and I think that’s why I got so excited when I saw you guys flirting on Friday. Hoped that he’d finally get the courage to make a move.”

“Okay,” you whispered, scared to ask anything about the other boy, unsure if you even wanted to know the answer.

“Sam likes you, too. He told me himself, and not just yesterday, either. I’m not picking a side, or trying to get you to choose. Just telling you what I think you need to know so you can stop beating yourself up.” He explained. “I don’t know why Sam didn’t speak up, sooner. I told him you liked him, gave him encouragement, but he never said anything. He acted like he was oblivious, but he knew. Everyone knows you have feelings for Sam. I love you, but it was obvious.” Your cheeks turned rosy, embarrassed at your own inability to hide your emotions. “I think they both really like you, and they were scared of the same thing. They didn’t want the other to steal you away, but they fell into routine again and they’re doing exactly what they wanted to avoid. When Sam saw you with Jake, It probably lit a old fire in him, which is why it all happened so fast.” As much as you wanted the knowledge to give you reassurance, it only made the dread grow even larger.

“I don’t know what to do, Danny.” You sighed, closing your eyes to ward off the stress headache. You retracted your hand from his, missing the comfort of the hold almost immediately. You brought your fingers to your temples and gently massaged the area, satiating the ache slightly. “I never should have started anything with Jake. I had feelings for Sam. It was selfish, and I know that.”

“I think you had feelings for him, too. Maybe you just didn’t realize it.” He offered. “It’s not like you to start something like that without any reason. Plus, like I said, if you like one of them… history tends to repeat itself.” He said, keeping the truth light.

“If I didn’t, I sure do now.” You let out a humourless laugh, pushing the food around on your plate with your fork. “I feel like I maybe put Sam on a pedestal because I had such a big crush on him. I always thought I was in love with him, but I was never with him. I didn’t know anything beyond the surface, never experienced anything more than friendship. Not even an idea. Now, I’ve been with Jake. I know him, and I feel like maybe what I felt for Sam was just infatuation.”

“Could have been.” He shrugged, unable to answer that one for you.

“But when I’m around him, both of them, actually, they have this pull, like the earth is forcing me into their arms. It’s impossible to think clearly with them around, and I think maybe I just have to take a step back to figure it out.”

“Good luck with that.” He joked, eyes drifting to your phone on the table. “Your phone’s been going off all day, and I’m pretty sure I have an idea who it is.” You couldn’t deny anything, mostly because you knew he was right. Intermittently, another vibration would sound, and you knew if you picked it up, it would be one of the brothers you were trying so hard to ignore. “I don’t care if you ignore them, as long as I still get to see you. Wouldn’t give up our brunch dates for the world.” He sent a playful wink your way.

“Let’s just run away, get married and have mimosa’s for the rest of our lives on a cute little porch while we watch the sunset.” You grinned. “Don’t have to worry about anything ever again.”

“Don’t tempt me,” he smirked. “If I get involved in this, I’m definitely winning.” You both shared a fit of giggles, happy to ease the tension with light jokes. “But seriously, if that’s what you want to do, do it. I know how hard on the head they can be normally, so I can’t imagine what it’s like being in your position.” He sympathized. “It’s not fair to you. I think maybe that’s why Jake tried to be so secretive about it, he wanted to make the move and start something before Sam could get involved. But, it’s like some weird brother thing; they can always tell.”

“I don’t know what to do. I feel like I ignored too many lessons, and the universe is super mad at me right now.” You sighed, your attention grabbed by the waitress dropping another drink off. You mumbled a small thank you before she disappeared again. “I like them both, but I don’t want to hurt either of them. I don’t want to get hurt. The whole thing is fucked up.”

“May I offer my opinion?” He asked, mischief laced in his tone. You gave a nod, figuring that anything would help at this point. “I don’t think you’re going to hurt them nearly as bad as you think.” He assured you. “Yeah, obviously, however this goes, someone is bound to be disappointed, but they’ve been playing this game for years. If you like both of them, play the game with them.”

“Encourage it?” You were in disbelief that he would even suggest it.

“Yep.” He confirmed, no hesitation in his voice. “Listen, they started this whole thing. They think it’s okay to play with your feelings, so play with theirs, instead. Maybe teach them a lesson.” He explained. “Don’t let them run things. You’re in control here, even if you don’t think you are. Have fun with them, and hopefully they’ll see what they’re doing is wrong.”

“You’re evil, Daniel.” You contemplated the idea while finishing your final mimosa, feeling positively tipsy.

“No, just think it’s time they got some karma. They have to learn eventually, they can’t do this for the rest of their lives.” He said, throwing his cutlery and napkins on his plate. “As long as you think you can do it without hurting your own feelings.”

“I’m so pissed off at them that I don’t even care about that.” You chuckled, but it wasn’t funny. The statement was completely truthful.

“So teach them, and then we can eat our brunch in peace. When you do, hopefully they’ll never do it again.” You weren’t expecting Danny to side with you in the matter, but you especially weren’t expecting for him to cheer you on. As you listened to his story of the years he spent dealing with them, you understood why he was telling you to do it. Knowing Danny, you could only assume that there had been many instances where he had to do damage control because of Jake and Sam’s childish behaviour, and he was sick of it. Plus, he seemed quite annoyed with the amount of broken hearts that have ensued because of the brothers tyranny.

Part of you thought it was crazy, that there was no way you could do that to the boys. The other, angrier part of you thought it was a great idea. After only two days of turmoil caused by their behaviour, you were in shambles. Now, knowing that they were completely aware of their own actions, you had no issue handing it right back to them. “Okay.” You agreed. The liquor definitely had an impact on your decision making, but not enough for you to worry about it.

“There. Problem solved.” He smiled. “Maybe that lesson you were dreading wasn’t really your lesson after all.”

You both left the diner with a little more pep in your step than before. Your fears were settled, but not fully resolved. Still, the sense of doom that was looming over you seemed to ease up, and you accredited it solely to Danny. Without his words, you would still be drowning in your own misery. You spotted your car, making a move to get in the drivers seat. As you reached for the handle, you paused yourself, realizing that you were in no state to drive. You reached into your purse, fishing out your keys, and turned to see Danny already holding his hand out for them.

“All yours,” you said, dropping them in his palm. “Forgot.” You let out a giggle.

“Whatever,” he rolled his eyes, sending a playful smile your way. You walked to the other side of the vehicle, getting in to the passenger side. Once you had your seatbelt buckled, he began the journey home. You connected your phone to the speaker, clumsily tapping the screen to unlock it. You hit shuffle on your playlist, not having the mind to scroll through and pick a song.

You turned your head towards the window, letting your eyes take in the sights as you passed by. Your mind was spinning with thoughts, but none stuck out as they passed through. Most were a jumble of topics from the previous day’s events, no coherent nature to them. You wanted to check your missed messages, just to see what they’d been saying, but you couldn’t find the strength to do so. You were angry, still, upset that they had no issue involving you in their mess and seemed to have no remorse over it. Even so, the urge to talk to them, to be with them, touched by them, was growing more urgent by the second.

Danny was right; it would be impossible to ignore them. That left you with two choices; play along, or let them play with you and get hurt in the process. You still weren’t certain that the first option would keep your feelings safe, but it was worth a try. Even if it didn’t, hopefully it would ensure neither would pull a stunt like such ever again. “I think I drank too much.” You stated, another giggle laced in your words. He glanced over at you from the drivers seat, giving you a grin.

“Guess that was my fault.” He chuckled.

“No,” you shook your head, smiling softly. “You helped, a lot.”

“I’m glad.” He replied, turning down the street your home was nestled on. “I’m always available for free therapy and alcohol.”

“I always appreciate it. I appreciate you.” You said, watching your driveway creep into sight.

“I appreciate you, bug.” He shot back without missing a beat. The pet name made your heart warm with affection. He really was your best friend, always your biggest comfort and favourite person. Nobody else compared to him, and you hoped that no matter how the situation played out, you’d still have him by your side. A small, selfish part of you wondered why you couldn’t just fall for him; he was funny, sweet, and genuine. Any time spent with him was worth more than the world, and he was beautiful, too. For some reason, it was written in the stars that he was to be your best friend, but that was more than okay. A life with Danny as your best friend was a certain promise of a good one. As much as it sucked dancing with the devil, or the Kiszka brothers, rather, it was meant to be. Even while you wished it away, hoped you could fall out of their grasp and into someone else’s, there was a part of you that loved being loved by them.

He parked your car in its usual spot, getting out to open your door for you. He walked you to the house, stepping inside and closing the door behind you. You both went to the living room, collapsing on the couch with exhaustion, as if you’d just ran a marathon. “You’re stuck here.” You laughed, finally realizing that he didn’t have his own car with him.

“I’ll call a cab, don’t worry.” He assured you, grabbing his phone to do just that. As he found himself busy telling the company the address, you reached over to the chair beside the couch, grabbing the acoustic guitar Jake had been playing earlier that morning. As he hung up the call, you plucked at the strings mindlessly, eventually switching to a chord progression that you had grown to know very well. “Dinner and a show?” He teased, still in awe that you had hidden your talent for so long.

“You know, it would be a lot of fun to come with you guys.” You thought aloud, dismissing his joke.

“You should.” He affirmed your idea. “Even if you just came for a part of the tour.” You let out a low hum, letting him know you heard him without having to respond. Instead of pushing you further, he leaned back into the couch and watched you as you played. Once you were certain he wasn’t going to speak again, you began to sing along to the music, to the song you loved so much. Jake had pegged it as your nickname, and at first it was endearing, but the more you listened to it, the more the words resonated with the ache settled deep in your chest.

“Rock on, Gold Dust Woman

Take your silver spoon, dig your grave” you looked to the fretboard, feeling the need to focus harder because of the alcohol swarming in your system.

“Heartless challenge, pick your path and I’ll pray

Wake up in the morning, see your sunrise loves to go down

Lousy lovers pick their prey but they never cry out loud.“

You sang the rest of the song, breathless by the time you were finished. Danny had a smile stuck on his lips, understanding that sooner or later you would agree to their offer. He could tell how badly you wanted to say yes, but your anxiety was holding you back. You were thinking of the offer, too, but something more pressing came to kind in light of the song choice. Or the mimosas. Or both, maybe. You weren’t sure. Either way, Jake Kiszka had inevitably made his appearance in your thoughts once more, but it wasn’t like he had left in the first place. His presence was always existing within your brain somewhere, even if it wasn’t at the forefront.

It was horrid, never being able to escape him, but it was phenomenal all at the same time. In the last twenty-for hours, he helped you feel more alive than you ever had before. His touch was still lingering in your skin, electrifying every nerve. The memory was fantastic, but nothing compared to the real thing. He was addicting; his company was no longer a want, but necessary for survival. You wondered if you would ever be able to live without it, quickly realizing that you never wanted to find out. Before, the thought of not having Jake around was terrifying, but after having him so intimately, the idea was debilitating, stealing the air from your lungs and crushing you under its weight.

“I could listen to you sing all day, but I gotta run.” Danny broke you from your thoughts. “Plans for tonight, can’t get out of them.”

“Cheating on me, Daniel?” You let out a tsk, showing your displeasure. He let out a laugh, shaking his head.

“Could never do that to you, darling.” He said, as dramatically as possible. You put the guitar to the side, standing up with him so you could give him a proper goodbye. You pulled him into a hug a bit tighter than usual, catching him off guard. It only took him a second to return the gesture, wrapping you in an aura of comfort.

“Thank you for everything. I feel a lot better.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” He assured you. “I love you, and I’ll talk to you soon?” You nodded, head still pressed to his chest.

“I love you.” You said, parting ways with him. “And yeah, I’ll update you.” You smiled, your secret plan solidified by your words.

“Give them hell.” He said, a tone of pleading hidden in the joke. With a wave, he disappeared around the corner and the front door sounded a moment later. The second the door shut, the emptiness of the home already started to seep in.

You gathered your thoughts, shaking away the haunting feeling of seclusion, and made your way to your bedroom. Once inside, you switched the power on to your record player, resuming whichever vinyl you had left from this morning. You let your eyes flutter closed at the hum of the song cutting through the silence. Another vibration from your phone caught your attention, suddenly remembering the messages you had intended to ignore. Now, with Danny’s words sounding in your mind, and your first chance at alone-time, you channeled a new courage to reply. Your fingers pulled the phone from your pocket, eyes immediately drifting over the screen. There were a few texts from your own band mates, and when they could come over to practice. You made a mental note to respond to them later. You moved on, seeing Sam’s name adorned on a missed call. You opted to focus on him later, your eyes seeking the contact you wanted to deal with first.

The notification bar from Jake had three messages. When you tapped them, you expected to be met with filthy words to fuel your desire to get back at him. Instead, the first was a small message of thanks for letting him stay the night prior, confessing his enjoyment. It was simple, not detailed, but enough to make your heart beat a little faster and a blush to make its way onto your cheeks. The second message was a well wish for your lunch date with Danny, saying he hoped you had a good time. The third was much different, more on par with what you had expected from him.

Jacob

Let me know when you want to share some more secrets, Gold Dust Woman

You felt a surge of emotion rush to your stomach, the words so simple, but the feeling so large. It was so easy to give in to him; he barely had to look your way and you were jumping at the chance to be noticed by him. It was crazy how fast the dynamic changed, how quickly he became so important to you. Without a second thought, you were already typing a response.

You

What kind of secrets would you like me to share, Jacob?

You hit send, not expecting a response considering you had waited so long to reply. Before you could even shut the screen off, the text bubble appeared on the screen, signifying his presence in the chat. A smirk pulled at the corner of your lips, happy to see that he was on your hook just as much as you were on his.

Jacob

I can think of a few

You

I’m sure you can. Care to elaborate?

His response was almost immediate, as if he’d pre-typed the words in anticipation of your question.

Jacob

Still wearing that red thong from earlier, or was that just to show off?

You enacted a plan as soon as the text was delivered and you processed what it said. You threw your phone on your bed, quickly shimmying out of your clothes and discarding them on the floor. The alcohol was still buzzing through your veins, your decisions heavily reliant on the false confidence the champagne bestowed upon you. You retrieved your phone, making a move to stand before the mirror on the opposite side of your room. You pulled up your camera, taking a few pictures from different angles, clearly showcasing the red fabric he was so curious about. The pictures that included the matching bra was just out of generosity.

You sifted through the pictures in your camera roll, picking the ones you thought were the best. You swiped back into his chat, reading his message over again. Instead of saying anything else, you sent the few photos you deemed acceptable. You went to the kitchen, unable to find a care to put your clothes back on, and turned your phone screen off. You scoured the fridge, finding a bottle of wine unopened and patiently awaiting your arrival. As you poured yourself a glass, you listened to the repetitive vibrations of incoming text messages. You looked to the clock on the wall, noting the time. Then, you took a seat in a chair and enjoyed the beverage you had fixed for yourself.

After a few moments, the texts ceased, leaving you to sit in silence and ponder your actions. You sipped away at the bitter liquid, refusing to give in to the temptation of answering him. When your glass was half empty, the vibrations resumed. This time, it was an incoming call. The ticking of the clock caught your attention, realizing you’d left him on edge for about fifteen minutes. You figured if you let it go much longer, he would show up at your front door. The thought itself wasn’t terrible, and you certainly wouldn’t mind the company, but you decided you wouldn’t push him that far. His incoming call ended, but it wasn’t long before another one sounded. With a smile on your lips, you picked up your phone and accepted his attempt to reach you.

“Hi,” you said, cheerily, as if you had no idea he had been blowing up your phone. “What’s up?”

“Ignoring me, sweetheart?” His voice was low, no angry tone or hint of annoyance. The soft inquiry sent a rush of arousal through you, just knowing that you had bothered him so badly was enough to send you spiralling.

“Why would I do that?” You asked, tipsiness laced in your voice. He picked up on it almost immediately, thinking your new-found confidence was a result of the alcohol. In truth, he wasn’t completely wrong. Although you and Danny had devised the plan, the execution was heavily reliant on intoxication. For some reason, sobriety did not help your case with either brother. Their charm and wit held you in a chokehold, any time you had the courage to retaliate, they made another move to make you submit. Despite your lack of control, it was still quite enjoyable. Now that tables had turned, that he was the one sitting and thinking about you and slowly driving himself to insanity, you had to admit that it was enjoyable, too. Maybe even more so, if you had to choose.

“Don’t be a tease, angel.” He hummed, the sound of his voice through the phone sending a shiver through you. You thought you might give in, throw the act away and beg for him to come over, but you bit your tongue and powered through.

“I thought that’s what you wanted to see, baby.” You played innocent, taking another sip of wine to keep the spirits high. Your head was buzzing, swimming with many thoughts. Most were filthy, focused mainly on how badly you wished he was in front of you, rather than on the phone. It was ridiculous how fast he consumed your entire being. Thoughts of his hands, his tongue, and how good they felt when they were on you. You missed him, even if you opted not to say it aloud. It had only been a few hours, but it was much too long for your liking. “Was that what you wanted, Jacob?”

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, bothered by your use of the pet name, bothered by the sultry tone you were speaking in. A smirk formed on the corner of your lips, cocky enough to know that you had power over him, too. “Yeah, it was, baby.” He conceded, unwilling to argue the point. “You still didn’t answer my question.” He stated, not willing to let you off the hook so easily.

“What was your question?” You asked, one last attempt to get under his skin. He let in a long breath, trying his best to stay calm while you made it a point to piss him off.

“Why were you ignoring me, angel?” He was heavy on the terms of endearment, leaving you unsure if it was because they were genuine, or if he was using them to coerce an answer from you.

“Wanted to piss you off.” You admitted, feeling no need to lie to him. “Did it work?”

“Mhm,” he mumbled his response wordlessly. Even without an explicit affirmation, you could tell it did just by his tone change. He had expected the answer, but it didn’t seem to make him feel any better. “Didn’t know you were such a brat.” He noted.

“Maybe you just bring out the worst in me.” You snipped back almost immediately. He let out a chuckle, but it wasn’t because he thought your words were humorous. It radiated a tone of shock, as if he was trying to tell you that you had no idea what you were getting yourself into.

“Careful, sweetheart.” He warned. “Don’t make me come over there and fuck that attitude out of you.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” You teased. He could hear the smile on your lips through your words, making it difficult for him to keep up with the act. He found your joy infectious, and the teasing fun, in a greater sense than just sexual. He enjoyed all conversations shared with you, even if there was no sexual gratification. He just loved being around you.

“I would, but I don’t think you would.” He said, simple enough to get the point across, but powerful enough to worsen the growing ache between your legs.

“Maybe you’re the sadist.” You theorized, throwing his own idea back in his face. If only he knew how badly you lived to please him, his previous accusations of sadism would be laughable.

“You’ll have to wait and see. I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough.” His voice was soothing, even if the topic was filthy. You could listen to him speak all night and never get bored. He was devastatingly perfect, and he made it easier to fall for him every time he opened his mouth. Without thought, you opened your mouth to speak, letting the wine take control of the conversation.

“I miss you.” The statement was quiet, but impactful. In reality, the three words were barely loud enough to catch a normal listeners attention, but the sound was deafening, to him. When you were met with silence, a fizzle of regret formed in your chest, wondering if you took it too far. You would take it back, pretend you never said it or bury it so deep down that could never surface again, just to ensure he wouldn’t hang up the phone; the last thing you wanted was to scare him away.

Although drunk, your feelings were true. You did miss him: you wanted to stay wrapped up in him forever, whether it be just with basic comfort or with sexual nature. You didn’t care, as long as he was with you. In three days, his presence had not only caught your attention, but made home within the walls of your house. Feelings for him were blossoming from every angle, immersing you within them and tying you down with their roots. It only took three days for Jake to make you a fool for him, three days to produce a feeling that rivalled your feelings for Sam. If you thought you were in too deep before, you were drowning, now.

That’s the funny thing about love; it cares little about who it’s next victim is, only about the fatalities it leaves in its wake.

Despite equal consent to the game, fatality was most definitely the prize. By choosing to be ignorant to risk, all three of you willingly sealed your own fate. No amount of repent could save you from the consequences. Deep down, you were well aware of that fact, but the sin was so pleasurable that it no longer mattered.

“I miss you, Gold Dust Woman.” The words only solidified your desire to ignore the risk. It was the most beautiful statement you had ever heard, and it was laced with sincerity. Imbedded with so much emotion that it made your head spin, wondering if it was even possible for someone to speak with such unwavering clarity. As if he, too, realized the extent of his vulnerability, he quickly spoke to cover it. “I miss being inside you, more.” The sweet tone quickly turned into one of desire, but both of you knew it was a lie. He desperately missed the mornings activities, his arms wrapped around your waist with a kiss placed to your neck while the smell of coffee lingered in the air. Smiling and laughing, singing along and poorly dancing to the hum of the record player. Taking turns playing guitar for each other, him dedicating every song to you but leaving it unspoken. He missed the moments of silence, more comfortable than any other, where he could hear your breathing steady while your eyes fluttered closed, enticed by the idea of falling back into a slumber. He missed the fleeting feeling of you being his, and his alone. Even if the idea wasn’t wholly truthful, he liked to pretend it was.

And in a way, you were. Every part of you belonged to him in some sense, even if other forces were trying to pull you away. But neither of you would ever speak those thoughts aloud, scared of the same things, even if the ones you focused on were not the biggest threats. Instead, you played along, sad that he felt the need to discredit such a genuine confession, but relieved that you didn’t have to explain your own. You both fell in step with the devil once again, ignoring the ache in your hearts and covering it with animalistic attraction and half-truths. If only you could both hear how loud he was laughing, pleased that you carried on just how the devil intends.

“You know there’s always a place for you between my legs, baby.” You whispered, the low tone shaking him to his core, settling in his bones and breaking them under the weight of the statement. It was unspoken that the confessions of emotion would be ignored, as always. It was just the way things were. You could practically hear his need for you through the phone, even if he didn’t say anything.

“Is that what you want?” He posed the question in a derogatory manner, as if he was trying to make you to feel shameful for wanting him so badly. You could see through it, knowing that he just wanted to hear you admit your desperation for him. “You want me, baby?”

“Mhm,” You nodded, even though he couldn’t see you. As you realized that, you also realized how badly you wished you could see him. Before responding any further, you clicked the FaceTime icon on his contact. Within seconds, he accepted. The screen lit up with his face, immediately giving you a sense of relief. You took in the sight, noting he was sitting in his living room. You had only been to his apartment a handful of times, but you knew it well enough to recognize it. “Hi,” you smiled, almost forgetting the nature of the conversation.

“Hi, beautiful.” He disregarded the vulgarity for a moment, too, just so he could admire you. The blush that spread across your cheeks caused a smile to break out on his lips, too. He noted the wine glass in the frame before his eyes inevitably landed on your attire, the adoration in his eyes quickly fading into lust. The distant look let you know that he was already imagining what was beneath the flimsy red fabric. Remembering what lie beneath. As much as his expression enticed you, you couldn’t let him get away with it without making a comment.

“Eyes up here, Jacob.” You scolded, catching his attention again.

“Expect me not to stare when you look like that?” He asked, a smile still lingering on his lips. “Sadist.” He smirked, the word bouncing between you both, accompanied by pointed fingers and accusatory tones. Perhaps both of you were the sadists by continuing your entanglement without caution or worry about the future.

“I know how much you love the red, but I think you’ll love what’s underneath it, more.” You said, eyes never leaving his face. You could see the muscle in his jaw tense at the thought, proving you were correct.

“I think red is your colour, sweetheart.” He noted, disregarding your words. As bad as he wanted you to remove the clothing, he’d be caught dead before admitting you were right. “Sit back, baby. Let me see the rest of you.” The order was firm, making sure you knew that it was not a request. You propped your phone against the wine bottle, obeying the instructions and leaning back in your chair, allowing him a better view. He let out a sigh, content with the sight of your mostly exposed upper body.

“Like this?” You asked, bringing your hand to your chest and gently running your fingers over the edge of the cup on your bra, gently pulling it down in the process. It was enough to tease him, but not enough to show him what he was hoping to see. You let your finger linger for a second before releasing the hold. The fabric drifted back to its original position and you let your fingers trail down your bare torso.

“Just like that.” He affirmed, visibly bothered by the show you were putting on. “Be a good girl and take that off for me.” His plea was covered with dominance in attempt to hide his neediness, but it wasn’t working. Part of you wanted to give into the request; with the way he was looking at you, it was hard to want to deny him of anything. But, that little devil in your head was as angry as ever, now fuelled by the knowledge Danny had given you.

“Come over and take it off yourself.” You replied, trying to remain unbothered by his pet names. His eyes flashed with discontent, fed up with your continuous disobedience.

“You want me to come over?” He asked, playing into whatever game you were trying to start with him. You gave a nod, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to withstand the temptation for much longer. “You need someone to take care of that ache between your legs? To make you feel so good that you can’t remember your own name?” His tone was soft, sympathetic almost, but the flame ablaze behind his pupil and the slight tension in his jaw led you to believe he was being quite misleading.

“Yes, please.” You pleaded, ignoring your worry about his honesty. The arousal pooling between your legs was beginning to feel uncomfortable, like a constant, dull pain that would eventually drive you crazy. Something about Jake always led you to believe that life without him would lead you to the brink of insanity. The constant talk of want, or desire was quite minimal compared to how you truly felt about him. Necessity was closer to correct, depending on his touch more than your own heartbeat to keep you alive.

“You need someone to take care of that pretty little cunt,” he deducted, taking in a long breath at the sound of his own words. He was just as worked up as you, debating throwing his plan in the garbage and getting in his car that instant. “And you know I’m the only one who knows how to do it right.” He finished, finding the strength to stay seated and continue his merciless taunts.

“Please come over, baby. I need you so bad.” The words slipped out easier than any you had said before, the strength you had to endure his words was breaking apart every time he opened his mouth.

“I know, angel.” He hummed, soothing you for just a moment. You thought he was going to give in, to tell you he would be there in a minute, but when he spoke again, you wish you’d never started the battle in the first place. “I want to help you out, but you haven’t been very good for me. Being a tease doesn’t get you what you want, baby. You know that.”

“Jake, please. I’m sorry.” You begged, that feeling of familiar dread filling your stomach. “I’ll be good for you, I promise.”

“If I give you what you want, you won’t learn anything.” The irritation that grew from the smirk he was wearing was unbearable. You couldn’t genuinely believe that after the entire call, he would have the nerve to deny either of you the pleasure of spending another night together. “Go take care of yourself, sweetheart. Just think of me when you do.” Your teeth were clenched, frustrated that your efforts seemed to have no effect on him.

“Just come over, baby.” You tried once more, but his mind was made up.

“If you do what I say and behave, I might come and see you later.” So that was his plan; like always, he was willing to give in, but he felt the need to ensure you would suffer, first. “Another picture might help, too.” He sent a wink your way, so subtle that you almost missed it. Before you had a chance to respond, he had ended the call and you were met with the disappointing sight of your screensaver, wishing you had one more minute to admire the sight of his face.

You had two options: deal with the issue yourself, wait it out and hope he would feel generous enough to pay you a visit after a while, or call a cab and go to him, first. As much as the second option was tempting, you knew if you did so, it would only fuel his ego even further. He was well aware of the power he held over you, and running to him would only solidify the idea in his mind. Waiting to see if he would come over might do the same, but at least you would have the upper hand. By the time he showed up, your overwhelming need for him would have time to simmer. Then, you could give him a taste of his own medicine.

So you sat, sipping away at your wine, thinking that it wouldn’t be too difficult to wait it out. The closer the bottle got to empty, the more confident you felt about the situation. If he wanted to be an asshole, you could be, too. His request for more pictures would go unanswered, and he would have to give in. Even in your drunken state, you were aware of the power you had over him, too. Confidence did not equal satisfaction, though. You nursed the last of your wine until he showed up, or until you found something better to do, quickly realizing that time would not satisfy your craving for him. With every minute that passed, you hoped the feeling would fizzle away, but the more you ignored it, the worse it seemed to get.

Eventually, as you drained the last few drops of your glass for the second time (you had to make sure it was completely empty, of course), you heard a knock sound at the front door. A jolt of energy surged through you, realizing you had won the battle without putting any effort in at all. You stood, leaving the empty bottle on the table for decoration, and wasted no time following the sound of the knock. When you reached the front door, you ran your hand through your hair, straightening yourself out to look the best you could for him. Before opening the door, you ever so slightly peeked through the blinds.

In your drunken state, it seemed blatantly obvious that it was Jake standing outside. The tuft of brown hair that caught your eye was so familiar, immediately showering you with relief. But, if you looked for a moment longer, you might have clued in that opening the door in your current attire was a mistake. Had sobriety been in the question, you would have noticed the distinctive difference, how the body was taller, a bit more slender than the boy you were looking for. Maybe, it was possible you did notice, but we’re too blinded by excitement to cognitively understand that Jake was not the one knocking on your door. You wished to see him so badly that you overlooked any possibility of it not being him standing there.

When the door creaked open, you had a smirk on your lips, ready to throw his bluff back in his face. Instead of grasping the feeling of satisfaction for Jake’s failure, dread bled into every nerve in your body. It took a moment for both of you to understand exactly what scene you had found yourself in, but when you came back from the shock, you couldn’t even find the right words to express how you were feeling. Your limbs were frozen, unable to shut the door again and your heart was stuck in your throat. Sam’s wide eyes and parted lips showcased his matching emotions, also void of a proper response. Even in his complete surprise, he couldn’t help but feel his gaze drifting over every exposed part of you that was offered. If you wanted to be dramatic, you could even go as far as to say he was drooling at the sight of you.

After a moment of staring, you took a step to the side, covering as much of you as possible behind the solid door. “Do you greet everyone like that, or am I interrupting something?” He said, clearing his throat, joking to subtly to pass off his blatant gawking.

“Um, no… and no, I guess.” You squeaked, cheeks red enough to match the fabric that was barely concealing you.

“Expecting someone else?” The corner of his lip upturned into a smirk, finding humour in the awkward moment. He knew you were likely expecting his brother, but his cockiness allowed him to use the knowledge to his advantage.

“No,” you said after a long bout of silence, trying to sound confident. The alcohol was sending the devil in your head into a drunken rampage. Your plan to play into their game was bouncing around within your skull, urging you to take the embarrassing greeting and make it into something better. If Jake wasn’t willing to give you what you needed, you were sure that Sam would have no problem helping you out. If they wanted to involve you in their mess, you should have no issue using it for your own benefit. You were both playing with fire, but the heat was gradual; welcoming at first, and only burning you after the fact, once you were too far in to turn around.

“So I showed up at the perfect time, then?” Your anxiety washed away, even finding yourself able to produce a genuine smile at his ridiculously childish response. Your eyes drifted over his face, taking in the details of his expression. He had recovered from his nervous state, too, but his eyes were still glistening with appreciation at the beauty of you before him. You could have shut the door, turned him away with an apology and let the memory die, but his beauty was captivating, and you were drawn in by the way he was watching you. If you had found yourself in the situation with a lower blood-alcohol content, the whole thing would have been ridiculous and terribly wrong. Maybe it was the wine, or the brunch conversations that lead you to the conclusion in which you were headed towards. It didn’t matter, anyway, because you had already made up your mind. You didn’t want to turn him away; you were eager to let him inside.

“I think so.” You agreed, playing into him.

“Red’s your colour, princess.” He noted, trying to catch another glimpse of what you were trying to hide from him without being too obvious. Just another blatant show that Sam and Jake were in fact brothers, and brothers indeed. Too alike for their own good, and too foolish to see the problem. “You should wear it more often.” His voice was quiet, much different than his usual chipper tone that sounded through an entire room. You had never heard him speak in such a way, except for the small moment shared in your kitchen. It was enticing, perfectly alluring and dangerously gratifying.

“You should come in,” you stated, not as a request, but a fact. He watched you for a moment, attempting to convince himself that you were serious and not just pulling his leg. When you kept your composure, no hint of anything other than a genuine nature, he made a move towards you. Once he was inside, you closed the door behind him with little thought.

Perhaps too much carelessness for such a grave decision that would ultimately seal your fate.

Lousy lovers pick their prey

but they never cry out loud

TAGLIST: @itsdannysworld

#gvf #greta van fleet #jake kiszka #danny wagner #josh gvf #sam gvf #danny gvf #jake gvf #sam kiszka #gvf fic #sammy gvf #gvf x reader #gvf smut #sam kiszka gvf #gvf imagine #greta van fleet fic #greta van fleet fanfic #greta van fleet smut #greta van fleet imagine #jake kiszka gvf #jake kiszka smut #jake kiszka fic #jake kiszka series #jake kiszka x reader #jake kiszka fanfic #sam kiszka smut #sam kiszka x reader #sam kiszka fic #builtbybrokenbells #gold dust woman

[cowboyjen68]

Hey Jen! I hope that the fall season is bringing you good times & gorgeous weather. I’m writing because I really need some advice on how to find some balance & get my brain to behave right now. I’m almost thirty and I’ve dated a handful of women who I’ve thoroughly enjoyed, but I recently met a woman who seems to have taken over my brain in a way that has never happened to me before. The feeling of having this intense, thought-consuming crush is brand new for me, and it’s frustratingly distracting! I enjoy her so much, but I find myself practically consumed with it, and unable to focus on almost anything or anyone else. The thoughts of her are nearly constant and I’m worried that it’s going to ruin my connections with other people & the focus on growth within myself. Do you have any advice on how to gently balance the feelings of an intense crush so that it doesn’t…well, crush me? This seems like such a silly, high school question for me to be asking this far into my life but I’ve genuinely never felt this way before and its a lot to handle!

Love and crushes can dominate our thoughts and bodies and I don't think this is a rare experience. I personally believe that chemistry is a real thing and we can't control how intense it is with another person. It just happens and then we have to figure out how to deal with it.

If you haven't spoken to her about it I would suggest that you are honest with her at least in letting her know you have romantic interest in her. Friendships that fall apart over one not returning more intense feelings are probably not that strong to begin with. You don't have to divulge that you are "obsessed" or go to deeply into the intensity of your feelings. Speaking with her and getting an idea of her interest can help to manage your feelings.

If she is not interested that sort of clarity or closure can help you to work through it more quickly and to "reset" your brain and heart to see her as just a friend. IF you spend all of your time wondering how she feels or if she would be upset or happy at your emotions you end up wasting precious energy that can be spent enjoying your time with her, either as a romantic interest or a friend.

Sometimes writing down a list or journaling can help to get some resolution to feelings that feel over whelming. It is one part getting it all out and one part distraction and one part time spent focusing on it so that you can process things. Walking though Reasons why you like her can give you a good feeling and at the same time start to work out reality vs the idea of love. The idea of some one is often way more impressive that the reality.

The easiest answer is time. Finding a new person you click with, even just a friend, can be very exciting and stoke powerful feel good emotions. Time can ease that thrill into just a comfortable companionship.

Also to reassure you. It is normal and common for use to get into a "bubble" with a new friend and forget to put energy into those that already exist. Good and solid friendships can handle those lapses and eventually you get back to normal. No good friend is ever surprised when they see a buddy "fall" for a new person in her life and most can just wait you out or even be an ear for you to bend in order to figure out just HOW much you like this new woman in your life.

I know none of this is a black and white answer, but I hope some of this will let you know you are not the only woman in the world who finds themselves intensely attracted to a new friend nor will you be the last. You are experiencing a very normal path that many lesbians navigate daily.

#lesbian #dating #love #friendship

[starryvoid111]

This is a copy of advice I gave to an anon a long time ago!

Ok so first of all you're doing great! You're on the right track <3

You should first of all stop trying to keep up with other people's timeframes and expectations of your journey. You are your own self, your own story. You are loved.

This is what you've done so far:

✅ identified that you want change!

✅ learned about loa

✅ began your loa journey

✅ asked for help regarding loa <3

❓ learned to play off your strengths and used your knowledge to manifest through difficult circumstances.

You're so far forward, my love. You are supposed to do things that you find easy, and challenge yourself sometimes even when you don't feel up to it.

You don't need to feel happy all the time to manifest. You only need to be *you* because you've been manifesting all your life.

Manifesting is all about bringing your internal to your external! If you really hate the body you're in, that's a sign that your true self is ready to come forward. Losing weight won't make you more of a person or even a shallow person, you're you throughout it ALL. What matters is what you want, not me, not society, you. You're god, right? Whether you feel like you can smite unbelievers or not.

You've not "come to love" your depressive state, it's just your normal, and that's OK. It's where your comfort zone is. Sometimes

when people begin this journey of self improvement its a tug-of-war between wanting to get better and wanting to stay/get worse because it's what your brain thinks is 'safe' and 'normal'. That's very well documented, so you're not alone!

I think the 'correct' way to remember love for yourself is to

a) get professional, loving help if you can! It's a safe step to facing thoughts that you may want to push down. Or you can use Google to your advantage to search up ideas to make it easier. <3

b) stop worrying as much as you can about manifesting your desired body, and focus on the person that will inhabit it. That person is within you already. They're not going anywhere. What would they think? Even without feeling, you can try to imagine a word or phrase that they would think. That's halfway done.

c) focus on your self-concept for you, not your desires. Your desires are a state that's waiting to be embodied, and your self-concept is how you feel about life. It's so important, not even for manifesting but for you, as a living breathing human with emotions!

[starlight-strider]

Rain World Friendship Simulator AU- Intro Post

Friendship Simulator is a Rain World AU that's basically just a slice of life/sitcom type thing. After Enot's campaign, she was sent to not a void where she could attempt to flirt with other slugcats, but a nice, comforting place where all the other scugs went. They all hang out as friends and get up to silly shenanigans

That's pretty much it! Just a calm, relaxed, goofy little AU. There are no real ships, and Enot is on the younger side here, which is why it's Friendship Sim. Occasionally some other folks other than just the main 9 slugcats are there

And here's all the refs!

Enot (she/her) is happy, cheerful, yet deeply emotional younger slugcat who cares a lot for her friends. She gets very excited about things, and just as she does that, Enot also feels horrible when she messes something up. Her goal is to make friends with everyone, and make everyone be friends with each other, to have some happiness and everyone's lives. She's also basically just me projecting on to a character I really like

Monk (he/him) is slightly nervous, but bubbly and full of love for the world. Karma flowers seem to grow on him, and he hands them out to everyone. Usually he stays close to Survivor, but is also good friends with Enot and really looks up to Saint

Survivor (they/them) is quiet, thoughtful, and caring. They don't talk often, but really open up to their closest friends out of the group, and especially to their younger brother

Hunter (she/her) is brave and tough with a heart of gold. She'll step in to solve arguments amongst the rest of the slugcats, and isn't afraid to fight if need be. She's in a platonic relationship with Artificer. The rot on her isn't going to kill her anymore, because the Friendship Sim Zone is a safe space from harm

Gourmand (he/him) is loving of everyone. He's always there to talk to whoever needs it, and loves telling stories, both real and made up. He's the designated chef, and makes food exactly how all this friends like it

Artificer (she/her) is sarcastic, standoffish, and snappy. She rarely opens up at all, even though everyone knows what she's been through. Hunter is the only one who she actually gets her problems out with. She's adopted Enot as a new child because Enot lost her parents and Artificer lost her children. Artificer is also the only one (besides Saint) to know that Enot also lost her brother Nightcat in a terrible accident. But Hunter and Enot are the only ones she shows her sensitive side to

Rivulet (he/it) is energetic and rambunctious and says terrifying things and doesn't know how terrifying they are. "Haha yeah, so I was sprinting through Five Pebbles and there were two huge Long Legs chasing me! One of them grabbed me and starting dragging me through narrow tunnels and I dropped the Rarefaction Cell an- what do you mean that isn't normal?" He's very friendly, but most of the older slugcats get worn out by its energy very fast

Spearmaster (he/him) is solemn and soft-spoken most of the time, but does get excited about things that interest him. He makes a lot of art in his free time, often showcasing it to everyone... except Enot. They have a very rocky relationship, with Enot always seeming to be able to catch him at the worst times possible when Spearmaster is in a terrible mood. He doesn't hate her though. He just thinks her positivity and long-winded ramblings are the last thing he needs to hear when worrying about Seven Red Suns

Saint (he/they) is calm and collected, offering advice and concern to everyone. He isn't a fan of Artificer, due to her Karma issues, or Gourmand because of his rejection of ascension, but less so with him. They're unable to achieve perfect attunement in the Friendship Sim Zone for safety reasons. Saint is aware of Enot's brother, due to what happened to him, but has never told her about it

Below the cut are the refs for the iterators, who stop by sometimes, and Enot's older brother Nightcat, and what happened with them!

The iterators pop by occasionally, most to check up on their emotional support slugcat. Moon is the most frequent visitor, since all of the scugs love her, and Pebbles the least common, because he has work to do. Moon will bring in fun little things for the slugcats that have floated into her chamber, Sig will sneak them some games that were left up in his city, Suns mostly just stays with Spearmaster, and Pebbles will monolouge at whatever slugcat he's decided he's mad at today before leaving in the most dramatic fashion possible

Nightcat is a terrifying, ghost story cryptid. He mostly lives in Rubicon where he died, slinking around, but will occasionally make visits to the surface world on the darkest of nights. He seldom speaks, except for faint whispers in the caverns of Rubicon. He guides lost and wayward souls to the Void Sea, although rude slugpups turn this into him snatching up anyone he can and throwing them into the Void Fluid

Enot and Nightcat before their Rubicon incident

When the two were young, their parents died in an accident trying to get them to a shelter. They had run through a Scavenger Toll with no pearls to offer, and were chased after. Their mother was killed almost immediately, and their father pierced with a spear. He managed to lead them to a shelter before collapsing, but there was nothing either of them could do. Afterwards, they had to fend for themselves against the cruelty of the world. Nightcat, being the older one, was usually in charge

One day, when wandering in the depths of Subterranean, Nightcat found a deep, deep hole, and suggested to Enot that they should explore it. They both jumped down, and ended up not in the Depths, but Rubicon, despite neither of them having max Karma

They carefully tip-toed around the dangerous region, both desperate to get back out. They were attacked by all of the terrifying creatures that lived there, but using the incredible power of fire spears, were able to defend themselves...

Until a Miros Vulture swooped down

Nightcat picked up a nearly golden fire spear that seemed to have been submerged in Void Fluid at some point, and tried to throw it, only to realize the Void Fluid was making it stick to his hands. So he had to fight the Miros Vulture in close combat, until Enot threw a rock at its head that knocked it off balance and caused it to fly back up. Nightcat bent down to dip the spear in the Void Fluid around the small patch of land they were on to hopefully fully dissolve it and free his hands, when the Miros Vulture came back. It pointed its laser at Enot, and Nightcat jumped in front of her, pushing her away and being blasted backwards into the Void Fluid, quickly vanishing beneath the golden water

Enot had never been filled with so much rage. In her fury, she leapt at the Miros Vulture, clawing and biting at it. She sunk her teeth into the softest part of its neck, and it collapsed. She stood over its body, and took a bite out of it. Behind her, a Guardian approached, and pointed a long tendril at her. She fell down with a thud as the body of the Miros Vulture disappeared, and felt like she was burning. The Guardian dropped her Karma down to two, since what had transpired had been out of love, although of a different kind than what two implies. It burned the symbol into her, and she was brought back to way above Rubicon, at the edge of Outer Expanse. She looked much different than before, and had woken up with weird colors, strange eyes, the Karma two symbol burnt into her chest, and a weird egg in her hand. Now alone, Enot reflected on everything, and decided to do everything in her power to make herself happy

Nightcat on the other hand, suffered a much worse fate

He was completely submerged in Void Fluid in seconds, and couldn't drop the spear to swim. He tried, and as he did, stabbed himself through the stomach with it. He was finally able to let go of it, but fell down into the golden liquid, his last memories flashing before him being him and Enot being happy. As he sunk into the Void Fluid, he didn't turn into an Echo. He became a slender beast with too many arms and legs that moved as silently as a shadow, cursed to lurk in the dark depths of Rubicon, and only sometimes being able to see the real world again. He couldn't move on, but was able to walk the waking world still, as his death had been noble and he had technically died before getting to ascend. He was never able to find Enot again, instead deciding to guide the wayward and abandoned who fell into Rubicon like he had to a better place

Whew! That's pretty much everything. I hope you all enjoy Friendship Simulator!

#renu's aus #renu art #rw friendship sim au #friendship sim au #rain world #rain world au #fss!enot #fss!monk #fss!survivor #fss!hunter #fss!gourmand #fss!artificer #fss!rivulet #fss!spearmaster #fss!saint #fss!5p #fss!lttm #fss!nsh #fss!srs #fss!nightcat #pre rubicon enot #pre rubicon nightcat #i am not maintagging all of the characters. no way #long post

[cg-saturn]

hey saturn! do you have any advice for people who can't really regress in their own home? i live with my parents and idk what they'd do if they found out(it's a stress response and i think that's contributing)

love you! hope you're having a good day <3

-@littlethena

Tips for regressing while living with others

Hey @littlethena! Thank you for sending this ask, I've actually been thinking of making a post on this for a while now!

Sometimes having other people who live in your home can be really stressful for Littles who need to be discreet for any reason. Maybe you live with your parents, roommates, or in an open housing arrangement, and have a hard time regressing because you don't want to be found out. I promise it's okay! We've almost all been there at one point or another, and I want to let you know that luckily, there are tons of adorable but discreet ways to be little around others! This is a list that I've come up with, some things might be more achievable than others for some Littles and that's okay!! I promise there is no right or wrong way to regress and there's definitely no checklist of what you need to be a little. These are just some suggestions based on my personal experience with having to be discreet while living with others. I do hope this helps some of you!

Clothing can be a big part of regressing! Soft shirts, cute skirts, comfy pants, and adorable socks are some really simple but effective ways to help yourself regress! Depending on your big age and fashion sense, there are tons of options.

Soft graphic t-shirts are super easy to come by at big stores or online, and there's so many different designs you can pick from! You can easily find shirts related to kidcore, like care bears or even just cute prints!

Big sweaters are one of the best ways to help yourself feel tiny! Try buying one or two sweaters that are two sizes above your normal shirt size, and enjoy the sweater paw life! If someone asks, you can always tell them that the fitting rooms were closed or it was the last option for the top.

Cute or crazy socks are my personal favorite when it comes to discreet regressing. No matter what your shoe size is, there are hundreds of cute designs that you can hide under your shoes or with a long pair of pants! I suggest checking materials before buying socks, if you're in person definitely check that the stitching will stretch, or if you're online always check review! The Cat and Jack brand (not spon) makes kids items up to a size 6 us /8 women's us and I absolutely adore their cat socks!

Using "big" versions of little toys when people are around can be super useful for little ones who don't live alone! Stim toys and trinkets are easy to explain, and stuffies could always be a "gift from a friend".

Stress balls can be really fun for kiddos to keep around the house! I personally love the ones that have beads inside or the nets around them, and they're fun to play with anywhere you go!

Figurines and action figures are pretty easy to explain to people too! As far as anyone else knows, they're just cute decorations from your favorite shows or games, but you can play with them the same way you play with your dolls

If you're a kiddo that enjoys rattles, you can always make your own! Find some beads or small things that you can fill a toilet paper roll with, and get some colored paper to close up both sides with using tape, and decorate it however you want using stickers or markers! They're super easy to hide or even take apart once you're done playing with it!

"Adult" coloring books are a little's best friend. They're pretty self explanatory to anyone who finds it, and its typically seen as a therapy method for people! If anything, they might want to see all the awesome work you've done (but, you're more than allowed to say no if you're not comfortable sharing it!) You can even use crayons or markers if you want to feel more little, and there's tons of different large print books for if you don't want fine detail work.

Stuffies are such a comfort whether you're 2 or 95, and they're one of the easiest things to explain! Right now, everyone's collecting squishmallows- its just the trend! Any stuffie friend that might be questioned easily could be passed off as gifts from friends or family, or just simply that it was too cute to pass up!

Making bracelets, just like the coloring books, is super easy to explain too! It's just relaxing to do, and you can make them for the people you love without even telling them why you're making them!

Just having general cute decor can also be super fun for Littles. Depending on your living situation, things around the house can pretty easily just be made hidden Little objects!

Soft blankets of your favorite characters or colors are typically inexpensive and definately functional for around the house at this time of year! Cuddling up all comfy cozy is the best for helping bring yourself into little space, and what's better than a secretly special blankie!

Cute cups or mugs are great for daily use around the house! Star and I have a whole collection of cute mugs, some of which are specifically used when one of us is signaling that we're feeling little! If you have a CG or someone around who knows, this can be a helpful way to signal your needs! Or, if you don't have anyone who knows around, it can be seen as just another cute mug in the back of the shelf that you use once and a while!

Stuffies again can make a great decoration piece if you have a lot of them! Around our house, we use the stuffies to protect things like the record player or wires the cats might get at. The person we live with absolutely loves having them out to look at too, and they do an amazing job of keeping things safe!

Decorative lights like fairy or led lights can be fun for everyone! It helps set the mood in a relaxing tone! No matter what your big age is, fairy lights are a wonderful decoration for any space!

I really hope this list helps some kiddos that are struggling to hide their regression for any reason! You're still just as valid as any little, I promise. You deserve to enjoy the same comforts as the Littles that live alone, and I hope that some of these ideas can help make it easier while you're in whatever situation you're in! Remember that you are loved and cared about, and you deserve to regress. Please reblog with any other ideas you have! I'd love to hear them!

Pippi Saturn 💕

--

Dni: k!nk/nsfw, maps, terfs, homophobes, transphobes, anti-agere

#answered #sfw little community #sfw caregiver #sfw cgre #sfw little blog #sfw little things #sfw littlespace #sfw cglb #sfw cglre #sfw cgxl #sfw clgre #sfw mommy #sfw age dreamer #little space #sfw age regressor #sfw agere #sfw agere blog #sfw blog #sfw little #sfw little boy #sfw little friends #sfw little girl #sfw little post #sfw little stuff #sfw smolspace #sfw babyspace #sfw babyre #little #agere lifestyle #sfw carer

[seafoamreadings]

week of october 23rd 2022

aries: the beginning of the week is the new moon eclipse (in your 8th house) and the end of the week features mars finally committing to his retrograde (in your 3rd house) . you'll need to focus on the latter. your normally impulsive manner will need to take a bit of a break for a few months, especially at the retrograde's endpoints. make notes about your impulses, but think them through well before acting on them.

taurus: many around you will be hyped over retrograde mars at the end of the week, and yes, that is likely to affect you materially. but more likely your attention is on the events around this new moon eclipse in scorpio - it's affecting your house of partnerships and it's conjunct venus, your sign's ruling planet and goddess of love. some will advise against intention-setting at an eclipse but i consider this a powerful opportunity to work some magic.

gemini: the whole first part of your week is going to be kind of "blah blah blah" until you start to feel mars stationing retrograde in your sign. if you're mars-sensitive maybe you already do, in which case it overpowers the rest of everything going on even probably including the eclipse. so for the eclipse you do want to be kind to yourself in your daily routines! but for mars, even before it goes retrograde, make sure you act justly so there is no karmic backlash.

cancerians: this whole week for you centers on the events around the new moon eclipse in scorpio. you can use it as a reset if you haven't been having enough fun in your life and you should certainly do so in my opinion, but no eclipse can be described as easy and most of them are not fun in themselves. so consider which areas of your life would benefit from a little destruction... and let them. and later you can rebuild, but don't try it right now.

leo: sometimes people focus on eclipses as being a moon thing and therefore a cancerian thing. but you can't have an eclipse without some prominent solar activity, and that puts you, you know, in the spotlight, so to speak. and while you are known for loving that spotlight, eclipses are pretty much always chaotic. so this week is one of those good news/bad news situations. try to use it productively as the fixed energy may be uncomfortably squaring some of your natal placements.

virgo: if you need to make any sort of assertive move get it in *fast* because assertion will not be likely to be prosperous until mars is back out of its retrograde, and it will be a while. things are a little more on your side when you act from justice, but even then, it is best to tend toward the passive end of the spectrum for the next many weeks.

libra: try to be financially stable with this eclipse. you may not be actually able to and that's fine - but at least be responsible about it. later, the retrograde of mars in gemini will lead to some sort of "going back to school" vibes - maybe you just need new office supplies, or maybe you're changing majors/jobs, or maybe you have a tough lesson to learn in the school of hard knocks. all of the above?

scorpio: if you follow astrology closely you already know the eclipse this week features you front and center. and even if you're just casually glancing at your horoscopes now, you may have been wondering what that foreboding feeling is. this eclipse energy is already present and intensifying by the minute. the best advice for you right now is intense self care. this is more important at this time than any external pressures to be or act in a certain way.

sagittarius: okay, yes, mars does go retrograde later this week in your relationships so coupled sagittarians will be feeling that and it probably feels weird at best, downright unpleasant for others. but the really good news is that be before that jupiter, your ruling planet, already retrograde himself, finds his way back into pisces. he's very comfortable there, so this is auspicious for you and means any discomfort from mars ultimately points you in positive directions.

capricorn: you are in one of the best positions compared to other signs to have a relatively calm week. but do be advised that, depending on your personal placements, your mileage may vary. and your social groups will be having a hard time most likely. have compassion for them.

aquarius: the eclipse earlier is in fixed scorpio and is therefore tense for you so you may want to be careful not to overbook yourself this week. actually, try to underbook. because then mars retrograde occurs in your 5th house and this is likely to make "fun" parts of life difficult. you'll want to go out of your way to not get bored or too frustrated/overwhelmed.

pisces: the eclipse and mars retrograde DO impact you so do watch those transits closely. journal about those days and everything. but in the middle of that, you likely get a major blessing as kindly jupiter retrogrades back into your sign. don't forget to say thank you.

#horoscopes #weekly horoscope #astrology #transits #signs #zodiac #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces

[vergess]

this is a personal af question that you do not need to answer publicly or at all esp. bc its for fanficish writing purposes but anyway so like how DO you, personally at least, deal with episodes of psychosis? because google tells me that the go to needs to be antipsychotics but 1. the context is a character who does not have regular access to them anyway 2. every one i have looked at has GOD AWFUL PERMANENT SIDE EFFECTS that seem to be almost guaranteed to happen? and my doctor oc would not subject that to anybody. the usual psychosis symptoms i write in my current rps are post-ictal and postpartum psychosis specifically because getting information about that from people who actually HAVE THE CONDITIONS is easy, and there seem to be other methods of dealing with them without antipsychotics (plus, you know, magic dnd for one, and pokemon psychic bs for the other) but finding information on how people with other forms of psychosis (in this case, schizotypal ftr) deal with it from their own perspective is almost impossible? it's ALL ableist bullshit from doctors which is why i am hesitant to trust the idea of "antipsychotics are the only way" :/ even reddit is not helpful here lol and i want to get this right? i know it's just tumblr rp/ao3 fanfic/discord rp that nobody important will read but me and my friends are trying to NOT be ableist shitbags on purpose you know?

Boy I really just don't answer tough asks over the winter months, huh.

I started keeping a closer eye on how media that I otherwise recommend depicts psychosis since getting this ask, and I'm disappointed to announce that over the last two months only two (2) pieces of media have been Normal About Psychosis.

So, the first thing to remember when writing a Psycho is: WE ARE WHOLE ASS ADULTS WITH ADULT BRAINS OKAY, we're not small children lost in a fantasy. We're not violent monsters out for blood. We are people who sometimes see, hear, etc things that aren't really there.

Writing a psychotic character competently isn't about curing them, or even about reducing their symptoms. It's about showing how they cope with those symptoms while carrying on with their daily lives.

I'm currently on the lowest possible dose of antipsychotic right now, and I will say two things about that. 1) the meds make reality checks and other coping skills MUCH more effective. 2) Even at a low dose, abstract and creative thinking are hindered. I don't feel hindered; but I have a 24 year long writing portfolio that says I sure as shit am hindered.

Whether a character will benefit from going on meds is going to be a balancing act. But since you aren't actually looking for meds advice, lets talk about those Other Coping Skills.

Broadly, I would split my skills into three categories: stuff for hallucinations, stuff for delusions, and stuff for dissociation.

So, first off, reality checking is my #1 go to for hallucinations.

You pick this skill up pretty quickly as a kid; everyone does. The difference being that where a non-psychotic person eventually gets to stop relying on others to tell them what is real, we get to keep on asking forever.

It's actually super exhausting to be in a crowded space because most of the nonverbal cues you come to rely on (eg, no one else flinched so that noise probably wasn't real) become INSTANTLY useless. Every noise, movement etc may of may not be real, and your only option is to either gauge other people's lack of reaction, or ask someone you trust for a reality check.

Sounds like an easy way for an abusive shit to control your entire life with no effort? It is!!

THAT'S WHY PSYCHOTIC PEOPLE ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED THAN THE GENERAL POPULATION.

Once you know if something is real or not, you can decide to ignore it. Like ignoring anything obtrusive, this is easier if you are in a good mood, physically comfortable, etc. An absurd amount of "coping with psychosis" is just constantly monitoring yourself and others to make sure you are reacting to the right things at the right volume.

Ignoring something that your brain insists is real and a threat is very tiring, so there's also a lot of sleeping.

Delusions are significantly harder to manage than hallucinations, IMO. Not just because, as a multiply marginalized person there are myriad ways that an ambiguous "them" is actually trying to ruin my life for real. Being on terror watchlists due to racism REALLY makes it IMPOSSIBLE to manage my paranoid delusions because some of the more insane shit is just real.

But there are other delusions that are easier to handle. Mostly, this comes down to self monitoring again. I can take an extra second to ask myself, "hang on, statistically speaking, how likely is it that this total stranger ACTUALLY wants to kill me?" The answer, of course, is "violent crime has been trending down for years, and everyone in this area thinks I'm white as long as I don't go outside during the summer, so I'm safe."

It's all about finding the information that helps keep you calm.

Because the absolute certainty that this is a murderer and you are walking into the slaughter will not go away. You just... take it on faith that this time will turn out as safely as the last 399 times.

It's just a shitload of observation, mimicry, and forcing myself to do things that feel dangerous by reminding myself that they aren't.

That shit sounds simple, but it's a CONSTANT fight; it never really gets easier, you just get used to it.

Which brings me back around to my meds again: I think I prefer it this way. My writing sucks, and I keep crying when I read it because it's wrong, it sounds like a field amputation. But god, I went to a cafe during the morning rush a few days ago, and the overload of noise and data only left me bedridden for ONE day. ONE!!! Not a WEEK!

Maybe losing my only art is okay in light of how much less bad things are.

Anyway, I can't remember the name of the 2014 short story about the One Person With Psychosis being wrongfully shunned by her colony because she doesn't feel affective empathy, in spite of her constant and perfectly reasoned moral code ensuring she is, if anything, the least dangerous person in town. I wish I could remember it!! It's a good example!!!

I haven't read it yet, but people I love and trust seem to generally agree that the psychosis in Harrow the Ninth is well written, too, so maybe check that out IDK

#answered asks #myfriendskickass

[mishapocalyse]

30 More Headcannons About Dean Winchester: A More Realistic Outlook (Part Two):

Here is Part Two For You Lovelies!

If he has eyes for you, the way he shows it are a bit off. They aren't the normal things people do if they like someone, but cherish them. Please.

Continuation from 21-> He will make bracelets out of vampire teeth, whittle angels from wood. Sometimes even bring back feathers from said angels, that you keep in a box. You never ask what things are, it is simply because he likes you.

Soft spoken and overall a teddy bear with acute issues, he gives the best hugs if you ask him. He may look off-putting and intimidating, he is the sweetest man.

He always wanted a family, to settle down and have a couple kids run amuck. It is hard with his line of work, but hopefully when everything is said and done, that he will finally be able to settle down with his S/O.

All the time I see people objectifying this man. He is desperate for love, lonely, and cannot seem to catch a break from the big bad's that decide to enter his life.

He has issues with his father who is still in Hell. That man never made it to Heaven for all the shit he put his kids though. It does not mean Dean hates him. He just knows that his father is doing his time and that eventually when the topic of him resurfaces between the brothers that they will sit down and talk about it.

Aside from what Dean struggles with, he does not push others to talk about what they are going through, if they need to talk about it he will sit there and listen.

He is not the best person to ask advice from on life issues. Because that is his issue: Life.

If Dean really has feelings for his S/O or you, he will let you drive the Impala. He won't say it, but he will slip the keys into your hands and walk to the passenger side door.

Some people hate me for this one: Dean is hard of hearing. After all the loud music, and Castiel trying to talk to him in his actual form, Dean is left with only one working ear in theory. He does have aids. Asking Castiel to heal him is something that he refuses to do, although Cas would be more than happy to do it.

Dean never asks for help.

If he does in fact need something and you are his S/O, he will tug at the hem of your shirt, pull you in gently by your belt loops. Rest his head on your stomach and nuzzle. It will take several times for him to tell you what he wants after you ask.

After hunts when he comes home to you or his S/O in particular, he will scoop you up in a hug, every time. Wanting to be held, and to feel you close.

When he gets frustrated, he will go out and work on the car even if it doesn't need to be fixed. It is a coping mechanism that is healthier than smoking or drinking.

Occasionally, Dean will self loathe, and be in such a self deprecating mood that it is best to let it run its course.

Dean's favorite color is yellow, which is a total opposite of his entire being. But that is my head cannon.

He keeps a knife under his pillow and a pistol tucked between the mattress for better accessibility.

Anytime a friend, even S/O comes through the door he makes them drink holy water and "accidentally nicks them with a sterling silver blade". He is paranoid, and just making sure.

If you are ever alone with him, sometimes you can catch him humming "Hey Jude."

If you run your fingers through his hair, or give any sort of affection he will cry.

There is never a time where this man stops surprising you. Even when he is standing in your doorway covered head to toe in mud, blood and god knows what else.

He is fairly awkward at times, and never likes looking into people's eyes for very long. He is a wallflower.

Sometimes it is hard getting out of bed with the acknowledgement of being someone's vessel or the answer to everything is a heavy burden on his shoulders. He needs to have that comfort and that knowing that people are here for him.

He needs a lot of therapy.

You can tell by his eyes, which at first were a beautiful shade of forest green, were now dark, empty, just like he is. Pulling him out of those dark times can be and are difficult.

He is a heater. Dean is so warm that you do not need a blanket. Just him. Will sweat you out of bed during the summer.

Since his hands are large, his fingers thick, it can be difficult to hold his hands that are above all gnarled and calloused from countless hunts, sometimes burned by the fires they start from salting and burning remains. (Or by the many hunter's pyres they had to do-> don't kill me just spitting facts.)

Dean has this knowing look when something is wrong. His brows furrow, his lip quivers, and the way his demeanor darkens, is terrifying. 256 lbs of scary.

Every night he sits at the edge of the bed and cleans and takes apart his pistol. A nightly routine of his.

Lastly, for those Destiel fans or Angel! Readers. When Cas or Angel! Reader dies, either from saving Dean or in his arms, their wings are forever scorched in his skin. (This will be in the Hunter's on High fanfic! Coming Soon).

#spn #spnfandom #Supernatural spn #spn supernatural #supernatural #supernatural fandom #dean winchester #dean x reader #dean #dean Winchester imagines #dean Winchester head canons #head canons #jensen ackles #jensen ackled #askmishapoc #spn fandom #answered

[compassionatereminders]

(Vent) Ahaha hey Kat, so I messaged sometime back about a whole disaster of a situation regarding being in (or maybe I was about to be in?) an on-again-off-again messy FWB thing with my older flatmate who can't communicate, he said he loved me and I wasn't sure how he meant it and he wouldn't acknowledge it, and you told me to step away from the whole mess and I kind of don't think I was in the headspace to listen smh, which is my fault. An update on that: it turns out that he talks in his sleep, it seems, and I shouldn't have spiralled so hard about it that I questioned my own feelings and convinced myself I might feel romantically towards him. It turns out I'm just lonely and my possible BPD was acting up, rip. So we talked it out and kept it going.

Unfortunately I'm still lonely and craving some sort of intimacy, platonic or sexual or otherwise, and his mental state only continues to get worse. Last weekend his ex gf showed up at our flat while I was VERY luckily out, and apparently whatever happened there was bad enough that it made him completely "reconsider" things all over again. Now his walls are up again in full force and it feels like he doesn't spend more time with me than he has to as a flatmate. PLUS he got discharged from therapy this week because they "can't help him" and has nowhere else to go. So I can't blame him for distancing himself, I just wish my own brain would stop craving something that I can't ask for from him. And I wish I could hide it better that I miss his company and that I'm craving physical affection of literally any sort, but I also wish I didn't have to? Just now today I hinted, because it came up, that I would like a hug, and he took it as a great deal more pressure than I meant to put on him. And said he wished he could just escape on his own to somewhere "he could be free from people asking things of him". Oof. Been there, but also oof.

I feel guilty, because I don't want my own bad brain and its frequent neediness to be making his worse, but at the same time, I feel selfish for feeling like I deserve more than to be made to feel like I can't express a single casual request. He said that, although I don't even usually ask for comfort like that in words for fear of making him uncomfortable, he can still tell from my body language and energy and expressions. So essentially now I'm hesitant to be around him at all, because maybe my mere presence feels like pressure to him, in a way I can't control. It's kind of draining, and I wish I felt strong enough to step away from it all of my own volition rather than being forced out of his life. But I still care about him and like him and uhhh want to have sex with him, and also still fucking live with him anyway so. Yeah. Complicated.

Sorry this was just a long vent to process the humiliation just now of having asked for a hug from someone my brain is not normal about, and been essentially flatly rejected and guilt-tripped about it. I normally have higher standards than this. He's never going to care about me even as a friend, but the thought of just 'moving on and finding someone else' seems impossible when I'm still hung up on him. But also I'm definitely spiralling, and BPD makes it very very hard to trust my brain about anything that ever happens to me. So. Spiritually and emotionally I have a headache. This was largely just a vent, but if you have any advice on HOW exactly to stand up and move on from this, that would be much appreciated. 💜

Honestly? Step away from this mess of a situation. For real. Cut contact if needed. Focus on managing your own emotions and symptoms instead of trying to placate his. Because this situationship obviously isn't making either of you happy, and it sounds like that's unlikely to change. And letting him drag you down with him is unnecessary. You deserve better and you CAN have it someday. Just not with this guy

#chat with kat #sex tw #guilt tripping tw

[mandmfics]

How would the avatar boys act if you're on your period ? (part 1)

authors note : hi! those are headcanons, enjoy 💕

warnings : mention of period but overall just fluff

neteyam :

he knows exactly what to do and understands that you're on your period even before you tell him

he reads the signs 🤓

brings you nice warm drinks to help with the cramps. your favourite ones because, like, it's neteyam

he really does his best to help you and even gives you some soothing herbs his mom uses sometimes.

cuddles a lot, this man is too cute

tries not to make you mad. if you start acting hostile towards him he won't push you and will just leave you alone so you can calm down

«do you need anything ?» «i love you» «are you feeling better ?»

comes home earlier just to make sure you’re ok and spend time with you

he ain't the golden child for nothing

lo'ak :

being his usual self he's annoying, but your patience is limited when you're on your period

so at some point you just find it hard to keep your cool and start crying

poor boy doesn't know what to do and doesn't realise he did something wrong

he'll still apologise and try to make up for it

at first you don't wanna talk to him but he insists so you just give in and accept to get food with him

usually he picks from your plate and you don't really mind but this time you slap his hand (in a very jake way)

and to his biggest surprise, YOU pick from HIS plate

he tells you to stop but you hiss aggressively at him, so he calms tf down

shows up with pads for you, he's so embarrassed but still wants to help

doesn't know a thing about period

takes naps, resting his head on your belly and its warmth and pressure actually helps with the cramps

you play with his hair to distract yourself

he's so pure

ao'nung :

knows a bit about period thanks to tsireya

keeps acting normally towards you

if you have really bad cramps, he won't be sure about what to do

but if he notices that you’re really in pain he'll try to help you by calling his mother so she can take care of you (you’re the mate of her son after all)

he'll hug you and try to comfort you

« shh i'm here baby » « you're gonna be fine »

but sometimes you just feel like he's the one on his period

you feel so affection starved for no reason and all of a sudden you really wanna stay with him

like so clingy but in a cute way

in public

the man is actually bothered by this

he has a reputation to keep and doesn’t like the idea of others witnessing private parts of his life

but for your sake he'll try not to show it

HOWEVER, in private he will respond to you with hugs and kisses and everything

tsireya gives him the best advices tho so he's gonna be just fine

honestly just tries his best

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I don't really think I need any tws? Maybe tw for me hating that I'm half deaf and need a hearing aid. Oh and also tw for swearing.

Looking for: just wanna vent and maybe some advice

So I'm deaf in one ear. And it never really bothered me that much. Sure it was kinda annoying sometimes cuz I gotta focus real hard to even hear something but I never really hated it. But now, because I'm deaf, I have to go to many MANY appointments. Mri scans, hearing aids, hearing tests, it's all so annoying. I have to miss school to go there sometimes too. Its so fucking annoying I hate it so much. I've had SO many hearing tests and the thing they put in ur ear to test, that thing is SOOOOO painful, my ear would be ringing and in so much pain afterwards. The beeping sounds would feel like a bullet was shot in my head. I didn't tell the doctors this cuz Idk what are they even gonna do about it, give me a pep talk? But those tests were temporary so it wasn't that bad. But now, they're telling me that I should use a cros hearing aid, I tried it on and oh my god it was SO painful I don't even know how to explain. The pain of that aid was so overwhelming I couldn't even concentrate on anything else. I told them that me and my family will think about it more and let them know if I will wear it or not. My parents didn't really liked that, they told me that I have to wear it cuz year 10 is coming and it's gonna be really hard to concentrate in classes with a hearing aid, I really get their point and I know I should wear it, that's the most logical thing to do. But I just don't want to. I don't wanna wear that thing. I don't wanna have to wear painful thing in my ear just to function like how normal people do. They say that it will be more comfortable with time but I think it's gonna take like months to get used to it, I don't think I can bear the pain that long. Even after that wearing test my ears still hurt for DAYS, and I only wore it for a few seconds. Imagine how painful it would be to wear it for forever. This whole thing is starting to make me hate my disability, I hate being deaf why wasn't I just born normal. I hate having to bear pain just to be normal. Why do I have to do this, I don't want to be stuck with a stupid hearing aid for the rest of my lifes. Worse is I have a low pain tolerance so it just makes it more painful. I don't want to wear it. I don't want to go to appointments like once every two weeks. It's so fucking annoying I fucking hate it. I don't know what to do. I know the most logical thing to do is to wear it cuz it has many advantages, but I don't think I can bear the pain. What should I do? I'm so conflicted about this whole thing

-🦆

Hi 🦆,

I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you've been facing. It must be so frustrating to be in an environment where the ability to hear is assumed. On top of the various tests and appointments you've undergone, it must feel incredibly isolating as well. But please know that you're not alone, and you are seen.

It's important that you are given full autonomy in this situation because it is your body and your condition so you deserve the right to say what you want to do. It's disappointing that it seems like your parents don't understand or respect your perspective or preferences. While some other kind of hearing aid may be less painful, it should ultimately be your choice whether or not you want to use one.

You don't deserve to feel pressured or forced to wear a hearing aid at the convenience of others, and especially as a student you deserve to have accommodating care that can help you learn effectively without a supplement like a hearing aid. Your school may be different but as an autistic my high school offered things like extra time, alternate location, stand and stretch, and other things. It may be worth looking into whether or not your school offers accommodations for HoH folks and what kinds of alternatives they offer.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #🦆 #tw ableism

[mental-health-advice]

I'm really struggling with self-esteem and self-worth issues lately, and the slightest piece criticism is enough to make me feel suicidal. I feel I've broken under the pressure and expectations of being an adult (18) and every time I've tried tell my parents (read: had an emotional breakdown about it) it's been dismissed as childish and narcissistic. Not to sound petulant, but being an adult is so hard - all the responsibilities and "suck it up, you're 18!” is making me feel so depressed - I honestly wish that I was a child again, because I feel like I need the gentle way you'd reassure them - I feel so fragile right now, like I want someone to say "you're not a bad person if you forget to ask to brush your teeth." (Physically disabled, live with parents)

I don't know how to ask for their help in finding a therapist, or getting extra extra help since they are so dismissive of my mental health issues.

Hey there,

I think it’s normal for anyone to feel overwhelmed with the stressors that come with being an adult. It would be so much easier to not have any responsibilities in life at all and especially when we are struggling or just finding life tough in general.

Having low self-esteem and self-worth issues can be really debilitating in itself as it can really affect one’s quality of life and especially if you are disabled on top of that. Despite still living at home with your parents is it worth having an in-depth conversation with them if you feel comfortable in doing so? Maybe if you were to sit them down and talk to them about what you struggle with and the fact that the slightest of criticisms makes you feel suicidal right now, they may be more understanding of you and your needs (in regards to support with your mental health and/ or other physical health issues.) It can be so disheartening when our own parents are dismissive of us and what we are struggling with the most, and especially if they don’t even try to understand. Sometimes us being like a ‘broken record’ as such can make them see that we are really struggling and that it isn’t just a one-off thing or a phase that will improve on its own.

I want you to know that you can also always contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling, and that this may even be a good starting point in you getting some much needed help and support. I say this because you could practice with them how you could approach your parents and what you may say. The counsellor may also be able to give you other advice or refer you onto other relevant services that may be able to help you. Through talking to a counsellor, they can have a better understanding of you, what you need help/ support with more specifically and just have a much broader knowledge of what is going on for you. Is this something you may feel comfortable in doing?

I also want you to know that we are also always here for you and you do not have to go through any of this alone, so please do reach out to us if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #mental health support #dismissive parents #low self-esteem #low self-worth #being an adult #responsibilities #disabled

[adayinthelife0fmwah]

Long Distance Relationship Advice #9

Welp... what a blow out.

For those of you in long distance relationships - like myself - there might be times where you feel like your partner's friend only.

The last few weeks have been tough for me and my partner. He is going through a very hard time with regards to work, family life and overall motivation for his dreams. This has impacted me too.

I want to be there for my partner, in person, and I can't so, that is very frustrating. On top of that, his overall attitude and engagement with the relationship and specifically, me, has changed. I found that my partner was not responding to my texts much, we phoned a whole lot less, even the words exchanged in those few calls were different, distant and very unfamiliar to me. He was always negative on the phone and I felt I was always getting the brunt of it. We have never been in this situation before and so it was extremely trying for both of us. Him- not having me around to feel comfort, going through this low mood essentially by himself (although I am always here for him, I am not there with him - very different when it comes to going through tough times). For me- I was being treated differently. Like I was just a friend.

My partner was going through it- so much on the plate, not enough hours in the day, serious financial struggle, conflict with family, in a job that creates hate and hostility. All bad, in other words. And all the while, his behaviour changed completely. Through that change, I was affected. I didn't know what to do. I felt even further away from my partner than we actually were. It was horrible. Felling my partner fall into a depression and not being able to fix it was super tough. THIS IS NORMAL.

When you are in long distance, you will experience things other couples never will, and that is okay. Do not compare because your situations with friends, family and other people on the internet are not the same (funny how I am one of those people on the internet! However, even what I say, you may relate, you may not, I'm just trying to help if you do relate)

Comparison will steal your joy. What you experience in your relationship is yours and will not be the same as anyone else. (Yes I am aware of this too). But anyways, what I'm trying to say is that in your long distance relationship, there will be times that do not make any fucking sense and there will be situations you have no idea how to solve. When I was going through this, talking deep with my partner about our relationship was the last thing on the list. Not in a bad way, there were just bigger fish to fry at the time. Horrible as it was, I understood this. I recognised that I did not want to be the last straw. So I hung in there chums. I grovelled through the shit because that's what my partner needed. Yes, I put their needs above my own and that's something you sometimes need to do in relationships. In those tough moments, it was not all about me. Do not fear, I did not hold out forever. I just waited for things to calm down a little bit. And that's the message here. If things get deep for your partner and it feels like they're going through a lot and you're being treated differently as a consequence, do not jump down their throat if it might make things worse. I am NOT saying you should shut up and take the bad treatment if its really bad (you will know the line to draw). I am saying that a conversation can be had at a better moment than right now in the middle of all the chaos.

I took the back seat. I did not roll over and accept, like I said there's a line, which my partner did not cross thankfully. It was hard. But I felt it's what my partner needed from me. When the shitstorm cleared up, I found the right moment to speak about it and I was very honest and we resolved our differences and found common ground. I understood my partner more, and vice versa. My partner was in a better headspace when I chose to bring it up.

Sometimes, when things go in a direction you're not used to, it can be very frustrating to keep it together. But giving some time for things to clear can sometimes be the better option. I am a preacher of communication is key, and IT IS, but communication that happens at a really bad time may not be as effective as you need it to be. If you and your partner go through a bad patch, take the high road where you can. Help lighten the load for them. Its hard, and you might have to endure a different version of them for a while. People go through some shit and some things can really have a negative effect. You are in a different environment and so are they. You are without them in those tough moments and that makes it even harder. It will be different from other people. You may not be able to relate with others and that's okay, you are tackling something your average person wouldn't dare do. You are a champ.

The things your partner goes through has an impact and takes a toll. Be honest with that. They may feel like your friend at times, even like an enemy. But sometimes the best thing you can do is wait it out. I held on for a few weeks with my partner who was going through this very trying time. I got that moment to speak about it and it was resolved. Do not wait forever okay like I said, draw a line. You know that line and everyone is different. Do not endure if it's too much okay speak out on your terms. I know things can get really bad in long distance and it's not okay to go through that for long, you know your relationship and what you can handle.

But hang in there chums, communication is key and you know when to unlock it. You know the line.

#long distance couple #love #bits and bobs #long distance dating #advice #dating tips #long distance love #relationship #fyp2024 #long post #long reads #storytime

[secretly-sapphic-confessions]

hello, i need advice. im in a relationship with this girl right now and she’s amazing and the best girlfriend i could possibly ask for but i just really want to break up with her for some reason. she didnt do anything, she’s great, its nothing about her but like. i just dont want to be in a relationship? i just find myself wanting to be single again which sounds really stupid but yeah. its like i dont feel anything for her anymore, like i just see her as a friend. which is weird because we’ve only been dating for a month. we dont see each other in person a lot but that’s going to change soon, and we do text a lot so idk if its going to stop when i see her more often or what. and i feel like a crap person because im the one that asked her out and i dont want to hurt her and we’ve only been dating for a month but i just feel trapped for no reason and i dont know what to do

Hey Anon!! Thank you for the ask and trusting me with your problem! <3

To me, it sounds like a case of either falling out of love, or just being bored in your relationship. Both of these are normal and don’t make you a bad person at all, I’ve been in the same situation!

If you’re not seeing each other often, the quote “absence makes the heart grow fonder” i find is NEVER true for extended periods of time, especially in a new(ish) relationship. If you’re going to be seeing each other more often soon, you may find that your love is suddenly rekindled as sometimes our hearts, it sounds so unromantic, just need a quick reminder of why we’re here in the first place. But even then, if you see her again and your situation still hasn’t changed, thats okay too! Dating people only to realise maybe you would just be better off as friends is the primary reason dating IS a thing. Think of it like a test drive. As someone who has ended a relationship because they realised the kind of love they felt wasn’t romantic anymore, I can say that you’re completely valid in your feelings. My advice would be, spend more time with her in person and then you will truly know how you feel going forward. Being away for long amounts of time can make us think some wild things.

In other cases, a relationship may not be what is best for you in life right now. You may enjoy single independence more as a person currently. So be kind to yourself, you don’t have to stay in your relationship if it doesn’t serve you right now! As you have only been going out for a month, it may be best to rip the plaster off now rather than guilt yourself into staying, by doing so, you would be doing a disservice to both yourself and your girlfriend.

And of course, I will always always drive home that the best remedy is communication with your partner. If you feel comfortable and ready, I would let your girlfriend know exactly where you’re at and how you feel, it’s important to stay on the same page!

Stay true to yourself anon! I wish you both the best of luck and I truly hope you can figure what is best for you going forward!! Have a wonderful day/night 🌈

~ Sappho

#wlw #sapphic #lesbian #nblw #sapphic confessions #answered asks #confession blog #asks

[toxicgreenslushi]

I want my life back.

But sometimes I think we miss things that were never really there. Or they weren't the illusory fantasy we create in memory and nostalgia.

Lately I feel like I have no real control over my life. No matter what I'll be making someone unhappy and I don't know how to accept that. I find little comfort in the people around me. My world has dimmed and I feel alone. I am however, grateful, grateful I could make it to this point. What is this moment in my life teaching me?

That even when you are with others you can still feel alone and unseen? That being "loved" does not cure you and it doesn't always feel like the love you want or need? That people will let you down and thats normal. That no one has everything figured out 100 percent of the time. That mistakes are normal and don't make you a failure. That it's okay to say no, especially when it's for your own well being. That even when it feels horrible that sometimes change is good and you can do what you need to do for yourself...?

My only comfort comes in small increments from the familiar. But the familiar changes. People change, thats not always negative it's nuanced. But sometimes they change and grow away from you. Sometimes you change and grow away from others. Sometimes life has different plans for you.

Hearing about kids I watched grow up turn into these self sufficient adults with real lives and real goals is amazing. They've turned into such cool interesting people and it makes me happy for them and curious about life again.

But It's also hard for me to admit how many wrong moves I made, how my path is not clearly paved and I feel like a failure. I know its not a race, I lived in so much fear I never felt like I could make a move because any move might result in failure, pain, or humiliation. It took me so long just to get back to where I started. I sort of went in a loop but I'm scared. So scared I've made myself physically ill with my mental anguish. The mind moves the body and so on.

How will I know what to do next? All I know is my life is deeply unsatisfying. My relationship is a train wreck I feel I cannot get back on course although I want to. It is just subtle attack and pain and animosity. It's childishness, controlling, jealous stricken, housebound, fearful, blind. I couldn't even begin to figure out how to help him when I am so lost myself. Yet the unsolicited advice comes flooding to me whenever it is least wanted. I don't feel humbled. I feel frightened (for my sanity), sickly, exhausted, lonely, trapped. Sometimes it feels like the opposite of what I expected. I always think maybe I'm just not doing my part, I'm not doing enough. I'm too harsh/critical, I'm not patient enough. But its not just me. Thats black and white thinking. Trying to manage a relationship alone is futile, its an uneven scale. I am falling endlessly unless I can change the trajectory. I am unheard or deemed a problem. So my neither my voice nor my actions have led me to a solution that seems viable.

I don't know if I had a "safe space", but now I feel like I have none. Everywhere I am I feel like an interloper. While insecurities are normal, I had become so much more confidant. Now I second guess everything I do or say. I second guess every decision, which is what took me so long to get moving. I was paralyzed by fear. I do not want to live with my step father again. It was toxic. I do not feel happy living here with my SO. Although I love him, I feel like I am under his thumb or I am on his bad-side. He says I'm always unhappy, but he never seems truly happy either. Even on my best days where I try to make things bright, he still seems incurably lost.

The lost leading the lost into the nothingness. I don't want to live my life full of nothingness and fear. It took so long to shed that. To stand up for myself, to gain the courage to ask for more, to do more, to have faith in myself. To believe in myself that I could really change. That I was not a complete invalid who had no power over my own life or the ability to make my own decisions. To have someone try to domineer everything you do (even if they say its from a place of love and compassion) is confusing and nauseating. Yet I do not know where to go from here.

Perhaps it is because my negativity (the strong hold it has on me and my life) didn't ever really go away and I am so focused on that, that I don't see how positivity got me where I wanted to be before.

Very much so did I want, and still want love and companionship. Romance. This time around is so different. I feel so iced out. A kiss and an "I love you" do not feed my desires for closeness. It feels like a mockery of intimacy. A feeble attempt at loving someone. I can't feel his love anymore. I hear it but I cannot feel it. But I have no where to go. I fear leaving for so many reasons. I want it to work, but it just keeps breaking down. I am the sinking ship.

One of my best friends wants nothing to do with me. Which is painful and confusing. She has become someone I don't recognize. And I'm not sure I ever really knew her, because I feel so discarded. I know it isn't fair to assume, and boundaries are healthy. But it's lonely without her.

I worry about my mom. I worry about her health, her energy. Our elderly dogs I can barely help with. I feel ill like I did before, but now I am expected to be this powerhouse and it feels like the big bad wolf blew me down. How does the dust rise? Will some cross breeze send me to transform? Will there be a spark that ignites me? Am I missing all the signs because I don't know what to do with them or I'm too ignorant to notice them?

God, please guide.

I beg your forgiveness for my weakness. For my transgressions. I still want to live, I want to live joyfully. Contentedly. With love and faith in my heart. I want my loved ones to be safe and happy and content.

I must relinquish that which I cannot control. Show me what I can control God. Show me which path I must take. Please.

[washingtonlowercases]

Happy Oh-My-God-Everywhere-I-Look-On-The-Internet-Is-People-Posting-About-Their-Moms-My-Mom-Is-So-Mad-I-Haven’t-Posted-Even-Though-I-Don’t-Post-That-Much-And-We-Hate-Each-Other-Why-Do-I-Feel-Guilty-Ugh Day to all who celebrate

#not hockey #not to complain on my hockey blog #but my sister follows me everywhere else and she's the reason #well... shes not the reason but my mom loves her and not me #so its not her fault but it is like one of the main reasons i have a shitty relationship with my mom #but just seeing everyone elses post #and wanting to be like #happy mothers day mom #thanks for always body shaming me #you are the reason i hate myself #also the only person who had blantantly told me i dont have control over my own body and shes allowed to do whatever she wants with me #when i asked her to stop touching me one time #thanks for making sure ill never feel as worth while as my sister #even though she is a hot mess express and i am arguably doing better than her #but shes the skinny one with the college degree so anything i acomplish will never measure ip #thanks for barely congrautlating me on my promotion before asking me what my sister wants her to do with her mail #thanks for turning every conversation i ever try to have with you into talking about my sister #because its not like sometimes i need life advice or even just like normal comforting from my mom?? #but god forbid we talk about something other than my sister for more than 3 minutes because my life is so irrelevant to your interests #thanks for telling me that the people i cared about growing up didnt care about me and making me straight up suicidal in middle school #thanks for more issues than vogue because you didnt have an abortion when you really should have #anyway long tags sorry to rant #this is just literally one of my least favorite days of the year #and all it does is remind me of all this and more #while somehow also making me feel like shit that i dont blubber all over social media about how much i love my mommy shes my best friend #like everyone else #even though she was arguably pretty pyschological abusive my entire life and ill have problem until the day i die because of her #and these fuckin bags under my eyes which is pure genetics #thanks a lot mom #anyway again if you guys are in the same boat then stick it out friends