#because it doesnt matter if they dont want the same therefore i must always wait for another to want me first

[nocancer]

Tryna by Cancer moon

Before Young T went to bed he poured a glass of water and looked out the kitchen window to his backyard and noted how the snow made 3:00 A.M. look like 6:00 P.M.. Only difference being that if he stepped outside with his glass of water to the seeming twilight he wouldn’t be able to hear the rush-hour traffic like he usually could if it was Friday and 6:00 P.M.. Young T didn’t bother going outside because the snow was still falling a little and it’d be there when he woke up. And the neighborhood would still be silent, as it always was.

Young T woke up and his fan was still humming its white noise which he needed to sleep at night even though it was January and his dad was reluctant to leave the heat on over night. The small fan sat on his dresser and was pointed away from his bed towards his window which emitted a sharper and more blinding afternoon light than what he was used to. He checked his phone for the time, it was about noon - about the time where his parents bedroom door would open and their TV would blast the local news and his persian cat, Jo Jo, would meow at his door from which would force him out of bed to open the door so Jo Jo could jump up on his bed to sleep on his pillow from which he would either start his day or keep doing nothing. This time he laid back down, idly on his bed, with the covers pulled over his head to lessen the effects of his slight cat allergy. Jo Jo had a flat face and was grey and fat, and he occupied the entire pillow. Young T thought of how he wanted to trade lives with Jo Jo.

Young T couldn’t fall back to sleep, so he looked at his phone. He bireifly looked at worldstarhiphop, Twitter, then Instagram.

Then he went to bed with a head ache and woke up in college.

9/27/17 wednesday

Tycho: excuse me, hey, getting along just fine, I see? Yolandra: hey, and yeah, sort of, just studying, whats going on with you T: Nothing, the usual, i guess, being responsible, trying not to offend anyone. Y: Oh but you're so innocent. If anyone's offended its on them, not you. T: But my presence alone, I dont know, like I'm out of place or something. And I just want to tell people,  Yeah, so, I know how strange it is, me being here and all. Y: You're a free spirit amongst prisoners. That was my favorite part about getting to know you.

Tycho: After all these years, not for a second did i think you were right for me. And thats why i liked you. Cus I'm crazy. Yolandra: thats okay? what do you mean?, i want to get inside your head again. T: [pause] Most people wouldnt understand. Y: Don't be too cool for school. Im not most people. If I knew what was good for me, I'd have cut ties with you a long time ago. But im a crazy bitch too. Havent you realized? T: Yes. Youre highly psychic when it comes to "free spirits" like me - and you, though maybe, "lost soul" would be a better term for me. Though I dont mind being lost. It keeps things interesting.   Anyway, you should spend your energy on solving world hunger than worrying about me. Y: dont be so difficult. catching vibes isnt easy you know? coming for your type. Who knows, maybe youre worth it. Tycho: well, your the first to try me like this. im mysterious for a reason. Yolandra: And do you know why exactly? T: Thats for me to decide. Y: It's so damn frustrating. But I guess some things are better left unsaid. T: Most people wouldnt understand that, what youre saying. Indescribable feelings we know happened but fall short in explaining. That sort of thing. Y: I call those. "You had to be there" moments. Tycho: Honestly i never gave up on you, only myself, thinking you were different from my dream girl.   it took months for me to realize that but when i did the only thing i wanted to do was forget i ever met you. Yolandra: than what? T: the rest of these simple people that surround us, they see in a way thats opposite of what i am. Y: how convenient it must be. to blame your problems on people you dont even know. and just say "fuck it." I envy you. T: just my luck haha. of being born into myself, my personality forgive me, i dont mean to be such a downer. thats my ego talking Y: you had to be there T: where? Y: in my memories. T: it matters that much to you? Y: if I could find you in a crowd, just to say something, anything, even if i have to scream it in your ear,  then you'd know how much it means to me. Tycho: I'll be waiting for you to say hola.

9/30/17 saturday In the midst of an obnoxious trap beat I remember what my grandpa used to tell me. It's the harsh realities of life that stick with us the most. A dream is only a dream until you make it come true. Never hit a women no exceptions." He would say to a 7 year old me. Now I wish I had the balls back then to tell him that his strict army ass probably never had a dream that went beyond what he already knew. Like revisiting the same shitty cloud of meaningless thoughts every night till you reincarnate into someone who revisits a slightly less shitty cloud over and over until they become someone like me, who lives on the cloud everyone strives to be, forgetting those elvish looking folks of the below who never leave the house except to get groceries. There's comes a point in life where you just gotta be honest with yourself, and say hey, i just dont match the freqeuncy anymore. It's okay. I can still pretend like that one MGMT song, but im fading away. Fuck. I get naseous and imagine a cop coming around the corner which kills my vibe for a second so I take my headphones off, spit on my finger tip, ash the blunt, and walk to my dorm. I'm in water so muddy that the surface is all I have to cling onto. What lies beneath is my past, housing the memories like demons. Of course, her face, would be in the middle. Falling more faintly in detail as I wake up sober and go to sleep high and dream nonsense that somehow doesnt go away like the usual forgotten dream you usually wouldnt give a second thought to otherwise but this morning my head feels foggy and theres a vague recollection of a search going on but I dont know what it's for and my chances of knowing diminish as I go deeper into the day. A search, it's on repeat, like my brain is an actual TV. Thats probably a normal thought to have, though I've never heard it in real words. "Is my brain a TV." I say to myself.                                                                 if you can call it that. but those take the shape of monsters of which, as if I had no choice, I find myself preparing for so when the moment really matters, I can either go down in a blaze of glory or come out on top like the badass I imagine myself to be. All I know is that I was born and now I have to live.

Maybe because my past is so glaringly depicted onto a person I refuse to acknowledge. All that shit was a dream. The only thing that matters is the present, right? Bill Nye the Science Guy would agree with that. Back in elementary whenever we had a sub for the day, a cart would roll in and thats how you knew. I watched his show in elementary school, when we had a substitute teacher. Those were the best days. I had no worries then, able to speak freely with no inhibitions as if duality had nothing to latch its mechanical claws onto. Wait, I'm thinking about the past again. And thats going way back. Fuck! Okay.. On your feet soldier! That baby momma drama dont fly out here in the real world. out here  it's the winners and the losers, haves and the have-nots,  thats the way it is.

We're here to endure anxiety. I dont care about this slave shit. I think im gonna drop out. These fucking people bro, I shouldve known better than to come here. Deep down in the recesses of my highly realized capacity for recognizing everyday objects I'm  hearing the voice my computer makes. It just so happens that I'm a little different from everyone else. I see things. Feel them. Some are expressed. Others proccessed. Though most get put away for later. These things I speak of is all they'll ever be to Some bad. Some good. But in the end I understand the root cause  is nothing and thats where I pretty much exist anyway. In between any and all things, including people. At least that what it feels like. So although I may come off as shy and maybe a bit soft to the average layperson I aint no bitch and I wont hesitate to put my body on the line to make some headway when it comes to cementing my place as a savage demon in the halls of said layperson's memory bank. Someone who is wise would recognize the virtue of my conviction It is only because I must prepare for that singular moment, an unknown point in the fabric of time and space. To where if theyre not careful, a life's worth of energy should be pitted against me as if one were to stand a chance against the power housed within my vessle. Theres no such thing as a polite gesture. Nobody asks me how my day is "going" for no other reason than to relay to me how their own special day is "going". reckoning between a humble acknowledgement that I can never truly grasp the reason for existing and therefor should play my part in keeping the peace, versus pure badass in a world of sheep. And the more I get to know my surroundings, the more I reach erradically for the inherent bliss found within the path of satanism.

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Spmewhere off in the distance, Crermoth sits on a palm tree idly sculpting astral suspensions into a tattered fervor of mesh for working the keys of ineptitude. She is oblivious to her surroundings, not caring for chatty and gossip which she cant seperate between her reality and theirs because she is sensitive and when the the fully recognized sage, Esoh, confronts her about she says she much prefers it that way.

Their balance among them. With the wind at her side, Hojihka refuses the initial preference of her stillness and moves in a nameless precession by the whim of her ancestral birth right. "aaa may-ee soo shay-noo"

Her possession wakes up without a name. a new and more elaborate transposition of jubilee onto each successive indifference. The attention to one area renders the outer confines a vacuum enveloping the excess span unto both of their liable to taken over like a plain, sole, unconscious will. It certainly does its job Crermoth and has become something of a plan b pill thats taken during one of her many unpredictable episodes of self hate and general spiritual torment. One time she told J-Money she was a demon in a matter of factness that still haunts J-Money in moments when he pretends it doesnt bother him.. Reliant upon the interaction of her world and the next. Crermoth normally prefers being to herself on nights like these, that way she can answer any calls at a moments notice. A dimension close enough so that she may assist her friends in earthly manners of which, by the natural law of limitation, those lacking the incessant nobility of the Orisha cannot be bothered to see to themselves, less the tether between her world and theirs be rendered a useless tattered fervor of mesh that gives way to any varitable knock of an over arching brood of usurpment of the mundane frequency. “I need space. I only have but so much light of see to her calling as a being of light, assisting the pieces of herself that we’re lost during the falling. You remember that don’t you?” She says “Of course I remember. But only as a matter of fact. Upon closer reflection I fail to see the relevance of a subtle hunch with no bearings in the present.”

I must know that I’m allowed to be straight up with you, else I run the risk of straying from my calling. If there’s anything I hate more than being ignored its catching myself being lazy to the voices. “She musn’t veer to far.” Esoh said on a mountain.

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The woman wakes up to look around. Store-bought soil, empty bike-rack, office building. "Harder. Think harder. Come on girl." She stands for dignity's sake. A car traces a hilltop in the distance. She raises her cold arms to the sun in defiance of stillness. Nothing is in tune with the nature of her being besides the stale wind of a coming day. "Where are you?" The car freezes as it reaches the horizon, but the sound remains on loop. Whirrrrr A portal manifests abruptly and Elegua arrives on a chariot of skulls. "Erzulie, madame, how nice it is to see you this early in the morning." A whisp of fire cleans her face and the car continues over the horizon. "It really shouldnt be, not like this. Where Im at should tell a lot you know." Erzulie said. "Quite a dense reply to a longtime friend, dont you think" "Hmm, considering how I slept in a bush last night and dont remember a thing. I shouldnt need to explain myself." "No? is the friz on your hair not matching the blood on your knees? I can't tell which." Elegua said.     Or is the attitude possessing you as if theres no consequence for ill-manneredness? I cant tell which." So long as one's not so dense up his selfish ass that he aint notice." "Oh so now all a sudden you about the finer things in life? We can switch places less you miss me. Erzulie said. Im only pointing out the obvious." Elegua said. Erzulie replied with silence, forcing life to flash before his eyes. She learned this from her Mother, Darkness. "Attitude is possessing you. I cant tell why but its a poison I dont deserve. I was only trying to help" He continued. "I just dont fuck with being called too early. So long as youre not too dense up your ass to take notice, safe to say i'm in some shit right now." "Clearly. A product of consequence." Elegua said randomly. "Yeah, recognize. Please, for me, baby?" "No more testing your patience, Goddess immortal of justice. Save that for what I came to tell you about." "Take me to cleanliness, saintly promise of wisdom. For im not feeling myself." They left the scene to the past and pondered on the pyramid they had just made with each other. "It's nice to be home." Erzulie said. Flying over the palm trees brought Elegua back to his power. "On the basis of love." Elegua said. The salt-water washed away all glimpses of doubt Erzulie had of her beauty. And she harnessed the pastels of the ocean. Thus, all guilt was abolished and unconditional love was convinced to dance within them. Drying his body under the rays of Amen reminded Elegua of his first words. Long ago, before Time was born. "O Father, you are so brilliant." "Thank you, son. I am the Light" "Then tell me, Father, if you are the Light, and are so brilliant, then why is it you flee from Darkness?" "All I do is my purpose, which seeks to balance harmony with creation. Although it is much more complicated than that. Like always I suppose. I'm afraid you ask me a question that I cannot answer. Here, because you are so curious, I will show you." "I'm ready, Father." Light grew brighter causing Elegua to cry in his recollection of what it felt like to say words. The links in his mind straining to pull in the right words. Not too plain to where the moment would be lost in happen stance, and not too radical so that his manhood could stay irrefutable (to convey meaning.) Then Light disintegrated into everything and Elegua searched for Light ever since. So Elegua went to the crossroads, and prodded Darkness for Light's wherabouts, "I want to relive the the moments before he left for eternity. Where can I find him?" Without a hug or a kiss, she told him to let go of his experience in order to live in the now, "Take his place and move forward. Grow up, your Daddy's gone cus you never did." "How could you say that me? I love you, Mom. Yet all I get is hate. Why are you hiding the truth from me?" "If I don't hate you, then who will? You got so much to learn that my heart breaks into brass. You must leave, understand me? LEAVE, before I do what your Father did and them some. I'm this close. Believe me." With nowhere else to go, Elegua obeyed the commands of his Mother. Although lonely at first, the spirits of the dead related to his despair, and offered to guide him through all the known and unknown realms of Ether, so long as he guided the spirits of the living to his Mother. So that the dead could learn for themselves the origins of their being dead. And when Light came back, they could say "Father, we know of Hate, now teach us Love." Elegua tried telling them that it was hopeless, that his Father was there, just not in the way they imagined, that they we're actually his Father and they had to realize it through an altered perception. but that negativity only made them more adament to their cause which annoyed Elegua into a manic spell of existential irony which persisted during times of war with the Snakes on 5th density. One battle in particular Badly wounded, he pulled his chariot with his arms to the middle of a corn-field on a full-moon during the Solstice, it was there he made a pact with his self, to never be ignorant to the fact that fate was an inescapable constant within all contributors to existence. That the very fabric that distinguishes the dead from the living was comprised of scattered shards of an indestructable essence that attached itself to the spirit-body via fate which is the Father of destiny. That the collective conscious is woven by the thread of Fate, thus binding a common goal, or Destiny, inherent to all beings of both polarities, thus setting in motion the spiral of gnosis, which lends itself to the spreading of keys that open the doors to helping each other fulfill each others Purpose. "I will collect the pieces of my Father so that I may speak with him again as I did as a child. I will never forget you because I love you. You are everything to me, which is all I ever could be. Please, I want to know why you flee in the face of Darkness."

____10/9/17 monday

My pace quickens as I veer away from the crowd onto the handicap stairs. I silently count my steps to give off a pensive, non-assuming vibe. Over by the quad theres crows just walking on the grass. Yet I'm the only one who seems to notice, even from a distance. The busses haul ass down Memorial St. I've learned to always be on alert because I'll never know whats waiting for me when I turn my attention off the floor and become reminded of string theory. Artificial energy, cork boards with grime on the edges, tunnel of dull ends, spongy plywood cielings. as i step with my head down and in every so sudden a demarcation in the bricks, the reptiles answer emails. This is where I'm going. Because my soul chose to live here at some point in time not too long ago considering the relationship between all that the universe has to offer and my general apathy towards said all as in any and all one. Which has become quite of a bore ever since the first week ended I had to come to terms with the reality that friends won't simply fall into my lap like they would     if I wasnt such      a masochist for being lonely. The row of pillars turn to one and all I see is the contentment in the air of the lobby. In the hallway are casually turned faces which glide about in a linear fashion like the ghost of a lost bride.. I get a side-view of the people afraid to admit that this is far from the paradise we expected it to be. The brochure in our acceptance letters didn't include the drunken nights of another dimension. I'm inside the life of an architect. One who's dead by now, but lives on through his work. I'm not going anywhere, the building would say, if it could talk. And I suppose it can. Because I just had the thought, and nothing is ever truly wrong without another thought to compare it to. But then if buildings could speak existed first, and was allowed to grow and find its place in the universe, then it'd be established enough to not warrant an adversary. But the question remains where, if it existed, was its fate organized before coming into my mind, awaiting my final judgement. Substitute me for a unicellular collective conscious and it seems like we're all dealers of fate her on planet earth of the milky way of the universe of the whatever comes next (should we ever know for sure). he or she deserves all the credit for it manifesting onto the grid of my consciousness, which is a zig zag joint's worth of a high right now. The perfect amount for not giving a fuck while still staying slick enough for witty comebacks. Which wouldn't hurt right now. This building isn't going anywhere. Though I wish it would. Because I dread what I'm about to do How he must have pained to communicate something he could call his own while maintaining a dignified and safe, always safe, because god forgive, well, you know, , putting the pen to the pad, drawing  collumns in front of a Victorian fassad Succumbing to authority just to eat with a roof over your head and not freeze your ass off like a homeless freak. Profit margins in the final half of quarter one are lower than 1 standard deviation to what is considered by corporate to be optimal. As of now, the college has no incentive to ship in product from outside sources. All inventory must be stored in house to the buyer's demand. You better not be late.

___ On the parking deck

Tycho: “I had a dream I was on an internet forum. Someone posted the words: “life is an endless hell. With a blurry picture of a street at night-time. Not much different from what’s in front of us. I thought that made sense, until I scrolled down, to see a video looking out the windshield of a vintage rolls royce, coasting along a pacific highway. And the lines kept going. Next thing you know I’m falling down a pitch black waterslide, dreading my destination. If I never woke up I have a funny feeling i know where it was leading.

Preacher: In that instance did you feel the need to repent for your sins?

Tycho: No. that didn’t cross my mind. It was too late at that point.

Miranda: “I used to.

T: What made it stop?

Miranda: Seeing all the happy people around me. And knowing that they’ve been through the same shit. Break-ups, Death in the family, just generally feeling lost.

My heart was broken ”

T: Getting over the mind can be a dark place when it has nowhere else to rest. You can train it to think anything.”

Miranda: True

Tycho: Lately Ive been taking these long drives late at night into the boonies. Just to see where I up. I realized theres so many lives I’ll never know about.

If i wasnt born into money maybe I’d be humble enough to hate myself for even thinking such a thing.

How’d you get out of that?

Miranda:

These know it all professors are getting on my nerves. I fear Im crossing into an abyss I’ll never fully understand. Honestly I can’t fuckin stand these people. What name do I have to make for myself that i haven’t already experienced in the depths of my soul?

Tyco: You know how they try to act like they all official and shit, like I won’t see past it.

Miranda: [agreement] They do that.

Tyco: [stream of consciousness] So I just told her look I know its a rule, but I’m all about learning at my own pace and no disrespect i love her but Mrs. Soso can only go so far in telling me how to write. You can give tips and tricks but at the end of the day, I’ve been developed my writing style.. Like I thought we were done with all this high school shit. Well I didnt say that.

M: And what’d she say?

Tyco: She was like “As you get further into your major 90% of your assignments will be in essay format.. we require full participation “ At this im like she gonna hit me with the book like hell nah THEN outta nowhere She said “However, I also believe in 2nd chances.”. On the outside I was cool but inside I was like “*fist bump* yo i cannot fail outta college like someone watchin out for me idk who but-

Chad: fuck that shiiiiit *holds up white rum in front of street light”

Friend in background: 12! 12! 12!

Abrupt scene change. Camera shows Tyco zoned out. Then police car, as Tyco begins to hide behind the tree hes smoking on.

My black hoodie and phone-call to my dealer will still be with me tomorrow as I do the same thing.

(From a dream 10/23)

Tyco is driving around serving with Shantel when she lights her phone up from the passenger seat and puts the phone to her ear.

Shantel: You are not finna be talkin all that mess on my phone. Be honest with                  yourself. Don’t lie. You a hoe ass bitch.

?? Caller: Why are you even calling me? I dont give a fuck.

Shantel: Wait till I pull up then and slap the shit out you. Would that be better                     sweety?

?? Caller: I’m at Kawaii’s 30 deep. Bring your lil boyfriend and see what                          happens.

Shantel: Try me bitch.

[ The economy sedan turns right on red seemingly without breaking. ]

Tyco: 30 deep huh?

Shantel: With them ratchets.

Tyco: She sounds scared as hell aint nobody sticken up for her like that. You know they gonna talk shit right but soon as we throw them hands they gon be like, I dont know that bitch.

Shantel: nah but she stupid tho like not even worth all that extra

Tyco: We’re going. Wheres that nigga house i’ll waze that shit and we get there we just pop off. Aite?

[Not looking at the road, but to her, coasting down an average 2-lane with box neon trimmed tire shops and drive-thru windows governed stately as immovable beasts of mothership stores lurk behind low-sodium trenches of the new world order’s surveillence agenda for mass poplations en masse. ]

              Just follow me. I’m walkin in and gonna start a commotion just bussin                 and you just break this bottle on her mother fuckin head and we out.

Shantel: haaah what okay

Tyco: You’re gonna fuck her shit up som serious.

Shantel: She talk shit about you.

Tyco: It’s in the stars babe for real.

Shantel: You gonna help me find that bitch?

Tyco: You my fucken queen I love you and I got you.

Neighborhood entrance.

Cars parked for miles.

House identified first glance.

Park.

Car doors..

Hip-Hop

Grass.

Walkway.

Steps.

Porch.

Door opens and yellow tops within the frame.

!! WHERE YOU AT// YALL FAKE AND CANT FINESSEE !!

AAAAAH YOU UGLY DARK SKINNED NIGROS

The caller is sitting on a couch ass to ass with other dudes. Looking stupid.

She never saw Shantel. Who came upon her like The Ring.

She has become a party magnet. It is a Slayer concert now. Nobody knows who’s who. Though Tyco is surely getting his ass beat. He catches of glimpse of Shantel’s fat ass ducking through the doorway and he could die right now and it wouldnt matter.

*GUN SHOT*

FUCK GOIN ON HERE MANE

“This not the place for you bro. - White boy comin up here in my place of business - Tryna pop shit off like you really not a bitch”

Kawaii looks up with his glock-9 extendo at his GD party mostly all gone just like that. The poor girl is still leaking.

“She need to go to the hospital.” Her friend says.

He points the glock at his head. Despair.

“Look around before I kill you.” An invitation.

Tycho: “I sold a 4 oz today after my accounting exam. I could be GD, 74, rock                            purp. whatever it be its nothing but Respect yo. Got connects with chad and Becky nahmean dog. Could put you on to some numbers they white and they fiends. Please OG.

“How much for a zip.”

“80, gas.”

“Was that yo bitch?”

“yea”

Kawaii: You lyin to me?

“No.”

“She eat your ass?”

“Yeah and bounce on my BIG ASS DICK” Tyco says with autism.

K walks away.

T: they don't even sell Molly bruh

K is you fucken high you dummies. Beat this nigga ass. *Tyco imagines the why the fuck you lyyin vine and remembers the exact moment he realized that wasnt an original song but actually a spin off of a classic throwback jam by the 90s R&B group “Next” in their hit single “Too Close”.. He was driving home from the cafe he used to write high school essays in while smoking a menthol american spirit with the windows rolled down on a spring evening playing KISS 104.1 Atlantas classic jams. Then he realized there was a full 6 minute video of the vine on youtube. After watching it he felt gayer. Thats all it did for him.

Tycho wakes up on living room floor.Terry (random G, on couch): *Hands him note× Kawaii said he's sorry. No hard feelings ya heard dog?

Tyco: I guess thugs act on impulse. *looks at note* and don't count on a gahdamn thing you bitchass motherfuckers. Tyco walks into class with a black eye. The Professor talks about interest loans. Tyco meets Moe after class in parking lot.

*Moe: Waddup

Tyco: It's lemon og I just got in.

Moe: Bet. Those last cookies you got. Bomb dude. It had them frar mother fuckers leanin like they can't handle that purp like that nahmean.*laughs*

Tyco: I got some backwoods you wanna hotbox.

Moe: Yo I'm down.

10/24/17 thursday

____ Last night I decided not to hate myself. The look I get from them doesnt bother me. Really, its a simple sign from nature that I’m used to by now. A wrong impression can sustain the fog of memory, of which I will be seen from the lens of another dimension, with not a care in the world, an angel in disguise. Thats the crux of my life up to this point. To no longer hate myself. But appear as if I still do. The nameless place in our past with no address., one of which even a frat boy can relate to. This invisible standard that’s thrown us into the pits of despair must be addressed. To seperate the real from the fake. Like the others are sleep walking through class fronting like they dont see me. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my third eye, televising scenes of sleep walkers who stay fronting like they dont see me. Walking behind the parking deck where green dumpsters were with my phone to my ear is a feeling that remains within me until I do the same thing over again in a few days. Buying in bulk never appealed to me. And if a 20 a g was the price thered be nothing my lonely ass could do. Fuck this worthless paper, I tell myself.

I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days.

I’m signalling. Though I havent been approached yet.

Figuring that would resolve the look I give other people. I mean, christ, I turned 18 last March. And spent the Summer in a last ditch effort to secure an identity before I made my plays in college. For too long I’ve avoided the call of the light and in return have gotten blank stares.

(SOMEHOW gets wrapped up into a petty conversation with sorirty girl (on top of parking deck.)

Clarissa: I was the only one alone in the entire party.

Tycho: Why didnt you leave?

T: Dont worry I dont wanna know your major.

C; Good cus it keeps changing.

T: You think you know everything dont you? This world aint nothin babe.

C: Why do you say that?

T: What do you wanna know? That I get money? Thats nothin.

Clarissa drifts off.

Hannah: So Stacy’s telling me the banners weren’t in that right place and we’re like an hour away from starting and we still haven’t even got the chairs in order and barely anyone who was suppose to be here has shown up yet.

Tycho: Where were they?

“Well for one, Candace, I dont know whats her problem lately, but shes been gone because her best-friends now telling her she’s not rushing anymore but thats honestly a relief because that girl wheres winged eyeliner and thinks shes better than us.”

Tycho: Oh, I think I’ve seen that girl at the library or something.

     I intuit that in order to justify her reasoning for not liking the winged eyeliner girl, that she channeled my very own resonant storm cloud of which I emit silently in the face of vanity..  

H: Well you’ll probably see her there a lot more cus shes definitely not with us.

“Okay so thats one.” I say as if taking notes.

“Then Rachel’s out at some charity event that I never even heard of probably with a guy she’s not telling us about which is so frustrating that of all days you pick friday night at the peak of rush to go be a hoe behind our backs.”

“Did she ever show up to the party?”

“Yeah. And she was fucking drunk.” She said as if surprised but not really because this is Rachel we’re talking about, after all.

“Like wasted orrr “

“Damn I didnt know yall got down like that.”

“Umm when youre stumbling through the door and your first words to all the new girls is hallelujah bitches!

She wasn’t with a guy.

“So tell me more about the party. Like was there”

who nobody knows anyway

is that Cheyenne is just out of it because her friends now telling her she doesnt want to rush anymore and for one its like look,

Wait, who’s hannah?

Hannah’s the leader of her sorority.

Ooooh, Okay, I see why now

-Yeah, I mean if word got around that would literally mean she was going around their backs to cover up that she was lying.

> Right. Yeah I hear what you sayin. She’s trying to make it seem as if it never concerned yall in the first place but if thats the case then she dont need to be acting like she got the right to be trusted.

This goes beyond reputation. Manipulating emotions just cus she has none of her own. Conniving biitch.  just to get her way goes beyond reputation.

Aint nobody wanna be around that energy.

> So what you tell her?

I get schizophrenic when it comes accepting new ways of being. The person I made him out to be was the perfect cure for my suffering. All those forgetful nights of boredom I knew what I needed all along, but was to scared to do it myself.

------ Frat house halloween party kidnap scene ----

GD shaman prays to shango for power to go out by mantra. Squad in car repeats the same mantra. The power goes out at 1:00 (or peak of the party).

Tycho throws blue flare through the side of the window

at the Tycho must find Chad and lure him downstairs near the door so the squad can get the keys to the room full cocaine and adderal. After looking everwhere he’s no where to be found. He walks in on a couple having with the girl in missionary with devil ears. “Yo chad that you?” Its

(fuckem x3) Music stops from power so he sneaks in wireless speaker in his robot costume  and puts it at one end of the room. Squad member 1 will carry bigger wireless speaker and set it down when he storms in. Tycho also brings a timed strobe light to distract people and keep the illusion of the party still going.

Tycho runs down stairs and towards door with chad chasing him. Squad slaps tape and mask on him and carries like a battering ram although theyve already kicked the door.

*Power turns back on*

“Fuck em, fuck em, nigga get out my section

Don’t want to see him, I don’t want to touch him

*waves zippo lighter in front of face so chad can see him through mask*

“Ima count 3 seconds and your dead on 5 if i dont get this combination” says calmly. thus saiyth the lord thy god”

“Three... No mercy”

“Two.. Shall be given unto those”

*gives code*

          “One.”

Love takes many shapes and forms.Tycho never opened up to people, hating himself for being incapable of feeling what others felt. He wanted more so he went spiritual. Which his close friends perceived as going off the deep end."Ayy whatsup bro you tryna smoke?""I have a calc exam tomorrow but I'm down after."Aight good luck on your studying tonight and then kill it tomorrow I know you got this calc is your specialty can't say the same for me but that's why you always tutored me haha."Let me know if you need more help. Figuring their was no bounds and he could be whatever, even silent, and experience irony rather than fate. How bland, he thought, to have a life plan and nothing to look forward to. Running drugs would be a necessary chain reaction. The highest elixer exceeding the bliss provided by the very weight he'd be pushing, itd be getting off on defying his own life, leaving spirit his only option. And so like a blackbird his soul seeks experience only in the clearest degree of visibility. Swerving transgressions of lonliness to levy the burdens of contrived responsibilities at societies every turn until his flight patterns veer from the trodden path to and fro the calling of reality in which he desires to preside over as a God of many statures. Untainted by works, head first into the entity of the adversary, of which he is able to predict the situational consequence in only a glimpsing moment before havoc ensues and the final hour is upon him, his loose wings coated with astral charcoal of depravity. Be caught slipping once and he loses the jump until the enevitable program takes its course - an unstoppable relationship between fate and reckoning that must be fulfilled as day turns to night. Once that happens he reverts back to being like the rest of them. Yet to the world, now desolated beyond repair, hed still be alive, exuding a calm presence that something is not quite right with him existing without remorse. The truth is simple enough, a hint just ever so slight as to never be able to cross the threshold of utterance, thus becoming rendered a convinction of self delusion on the part of the unknowing accuser, who by this time hates himself for even thinking badly of such a good guy to make peace with.  The collage curtails past the illusion of what is already known and at last the watchers take notice and thus regeneration is able to take place along all the land, allowing for new energy to take the throne of anticipation. One that has harnessed the potential to become anything the wonder puts his mind too. So what if I'm imaginative? Yolandra: I mean everyone's different in their own way. Like yeah the soroitys have a dress code and all that Starbucks and capris. But I don't know. You just have to get know a person for who they are and not how the outside world perceives them to be. T: So what'd you first think of me? Yolandra: Honestly not much anything. You were one of those people who could be anything. But then I overheard you say taurus's are gold diggers and I hated you cus I'm a taurus. T: Oh sorry I really didn't mean it like that but c'mon now I can tell you have a taste for finer things you bougie little.. Boob. *laugh\ haha "you know what I mean" It doesn't bother you? What? That so much could go wrong so quickly? Look, deep down he's telling you his heart lies with getting over and you let him because that's /just what you like about him, how deep he gets. cus he's a sad and selfish individual who was never about loving anything other than vanity. The best thing to do would be to trust his actions, intentions aren't what's important right now. Really, forget about the soul connection. Loves comes through all types of people as long as you're open to receiving them. Those energies. Don't lose yourself in the illusion. Without ever taking credit for what truly matters which should be you. Then your fashion made sense to me. T:  I'm so caught up in myself. I mean, it's impossible to know anything else. I'll never get to stand in your shoes. Its just truth. Yet I'm the bad guy. You're not like the other people I've met. T: Yeah I'm kind of loner if you couldn't tell already. I guess that's a good thing.T: Hey it's okay. I get that a lot... Wait what do you mean you guess? Ive found that who evers saying does a 180 in their normalcy.  Knowing your even here right now is a good thing. Knowing that you're with me even when im not. Don't you think? Starting out with confidence and ending strong to be lucky if I'm not hurt. Tell me what you want out of this. Sometimes I feel so lame, then I realize how fun itd be to not care. Through the window screen i see parchments and grass blades, this is an image I've sought to ignore for its blandness thinking I was over recognizing such mundane structures. The sunlight made me drunk with non verbal contemplation. I crave this heat when I'm in low spirits. And a breeze when I'm high. My thoughts are channeled from a lonely place (My thoughts come from a lonely place)  I've had no choice but to become accustomed to for my own sanity. To work faster and breach that veil of reckonning. So unreachable and enticing at the same time.T When I'm alone, welcome something more than the past if you ever cared to help me. This isn't the only world out there. And even if it was the material would eventually reach infinity. Then a black hole would open or something. Don't quote me on that, science is the hottest thing going right now. It cant hurt to butt in unofficially. As long as no one calls you on it. The universe molds to your confidence. That's another story. At the end of the day, I have too much pride to be a scientist.  The God they're serving calls for a lot of self sacrifice. A self that ignores emergency when called to speak. A self i'm not prepared to lose. "Why are you here again, nothing will change, you're gonna be quiet like last time" any handle on reality I had during the sun rise flees like an ex girlfriend into the night. I'm not prepared to lose. Anxiety is that humid feeling you get when roughnecking the time away. Jaded peripherals, internet browsing, and fading friends initiate a color spectrum so cruelly vivid in its inability to be shared with the CVS cashier who looked at you wrong because you bought 3 4oz bottles of robitussin. A man who couldnt care to see the streets, stop signs, and traffic lights. Man is a slang term we use when caught in the moment. Of which matrix programming loves to grasp onto. --- 10/25/17 wednesday So here I am enjoying a piece of lackluster nothing for the sake of something I've agreed to experience in a past life I can't even remember but somehow must make amends to as if its an actual concrete thing I can touch and make sense out of without caring to ponder how life puts us in these type situations like getting your hair done a new way and meeting a friend of a friend superficially without ever following up like aight word up bro I feel you by the way hows life and what's the special fact I should become one with in this moment while not thinking too much in to things or else id be alone as if we're not alive under the stars for any other reason than to be happy but still to me that becomes too much like a flash in time rather than something meaningful because then sex would have to be our purpose for being here but you and I both know it's more complicated than that so we look into it via memories and realize the journey was brighter than the reward as in I don't remember the actual sex part but rather the day as a whole with stained glass sprinkled in on a film reel to push the past into something real and unexplainably alluring to the self of which we projected this light onto in order to perhaps know in advance maybe how to repeat this metaphysical phenomenon for a second time because we're not quite there yet although at this rate if seems that to finally reach a state of thereness would mean we wouldn't be able to be here right now having this conversation like a building block struck from below or a house of cards we have to keep faith that every moment plays its part because we had an emotion for it and therefore couldn't be rendered to nothing in a wreckless attempt force it all together rather let each tile compliment it's neighbor and bypass the need for destruction by allowing enough caring energy to flow through that filter mechanism within you that deems lifes moments as worth remembering or forgetting and pretend you never heard about forgetting and avoid it like the plague because everything that ever was is depending on you to go forth into righteous so that gods original intention for letting go of unwanted baggage be synthesized within your vessel of upgrades intelligence so that the journey can still be appreciated only this time without th deceptive veil of the end. to question the little things that somehow don't mean much but at the same time appear to us daily as conduits for good fortune and thats what we must uphold ___ 11/2/17 thursday

I you and me playcated on a surface of stones that match our longing to search in the wrong places. Convenient are we done such a conceivable time that is time which is also time because what more can be said other than us winding down a fire escape to an inexplicable hatch sitting like paper mache on our transformative spiritual natures. Gone already but not forgotten just make sure to take the negative side of every situation involving 1 or more parties so as to make sure the rythym is in order because you can't go wrong with challenging the status quo of an area you're not suppose to be in even if that seems too easy and superficial it's the right choice because even the idea of rebellion as a bad thing must be able to project into a physical thing prompt for examination so secrets may be revealed. Wouldn't you know i stopped believing in faith due to its redundancy of chasing metaphysical strings too far out for us to put into words and isn't that the source of all our angst. Depraved of propositional phrases and elemental tables it's all so clear to me now. Casandra had a bag and Mikey had his sneakers in the forefront like a low hanging fruit but of course they had personalities that weren't so easy to see unless the hard work of interfacing came into the equation. Lets judge people based on judging for the sake of basing ourselves onto something not within our realm of reality. Perception is a hard question i think maybe inanimate objects could tell us a thing or two. Low pressure sodium lamps.Documentorial lecture hall amps failing to reach the end of the pyramid turned 90 degrees away from its focal point. May disease not reach our unexplainable selves if ever they may inhabit our temporary vessels like a friend who has no friends but you and wants desperately to get along with others but is attached to your ways. Are we in hell? What can our astral travels tell us about signaling locations with Etheric marks of time dialation. Things are what they are by defintion or they wouldn t be things however stepping the observer up a notch sets in motion cancer to grow from the singular notion that we ourselves separate on a cost of lightening our load. I am partly responsible for this mess we have made. Pulling my hair out in thin strands so as to not make a difference. Some people just don't understand what it means to be so far gone yet in a place of enchantment that lets us know we're not alone as Michael Jackson plays on the ham radio and Wikipedia says the song was written by r kelly. I'm a solitary young man, joined at the seams complacency and red-ridden vanishing points to a line of sight I'd rather not identify with if I had a choice. I'm seriously considering becoming rich and famous despite others already forcing me to. I guess eventually my spirit will give in as my soul looks from a distance and says what a fool I am then goes about his day. You can't be like the rest of them no matter how hard you try. Thinking on the sensualities you avoided after this rap shit led you no where. The palace at the height of creation where Jesus stopped and stared to collect his thoughts before he kept going when his alarm rang as his slave bending consistency tracked the new melinnia into a moldy piece of sandstone cheese the better of which tasted nutty with fruity notes and 80% abv shards of liquid glass on the throat thatd make even an immortal weep a shy tear or two. The pigs down in Mississippi feel things we can't understand in their slaughterhouse decrepit and forwarned in a musk ridden air flow that's non existent to hypocritical angels who were supposed to stop atrocity but opted to sit on their ads and play virtua tennis all day. Oink says the pig. Hee haw says the donkey. Give me life says the God and there on the 30th night fags came to tell the story on their faces. The bag lady told them to shut up and stop whining but they wouldn't listen though they lost their ability to speak. Goodness gracious me oh my great balls of fire. Great balls of ball you are the Lord of my lonely century in this dimension I took awareness to when I allowed you into my heart space.And then I left asking my self: Who is this I?

755559888a

Let’s stand for a while and think about the dastardly ways we have gone under the waters and flew away from temptation. Have us saying isnt it so pretty to be in something and have that to fall back on due to the struggles of forgetting the place we come from which didnt always have it out for us this bad in refusing us of inconjunctions we can at least point to and blame our problems on saying “See! There, I told you so. That’s why we cant find our beginning!” And we’ll keep toilling the fields as halflings saving up for a chance to leave the very universe we serve. “So thats more like it. Finally something I can get my flows on to” Shelly the alien said. “The Stars dont have to like you just because you see them. They have their place and so do we” Gerald said. “Oh but they do.” “How do you know?” “Well for one they always shine bright at the most oppurtune times, like when I’m feeling down about the part of myself that conveinently seems to escape me just when I need it most. If that be so then put me on to something else and that’ll do just fine.” “Perhaps you're not as big as you thought ”  Gerald held up his hand to salvage what was left of the dissolving psychic barrier between them. An invisible giant with an ocd issue. For now he could only listen. “No im not here to choose and thats exactly why Im not afraid to go where you can’t. Having the courage to admit your wrongs requires as much energy as universal rotation itself - a force which exists beyond our pleaidien awareness. ” “ But Shel- Okay whatever” Gerald paused and rolled the horizon through his scaly fingertips. “Keep calling on the unknown and you might get lost because it’s been there forever and sometimes Look, Shelly, no offense, you know I love you, but your awareness has no filter on what representation it can cling onto like danger isnt a reality to you. Me and Dazel always had to look out for you and thats just in this world what makes you think you can take on things you cant even see? “But do you believe in me? Anyone can say they love me. I’ve been hearing that my whole life. So much that it holds the same meaning as “um” does in conversation. Is that really the final conclusion we have at the end of the day? That you love me? Besides, I dont think you really meant that.”

“Here goes Miss Type-1 personality again. Always needing to label circles into squares, stars into gods, this as that, out of an inability to cope with insecurity. Leaving the rest of us as unwilling participants.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WRONG IN NATURE?”  Shelly bawled.  

The beach of Temofose was out of walking distance from the orange cottage they grew up in with there Mom. When they were young it was somewhere theyd go when they had nothing else to do. Euweu Sister Beach was the brighter of the two, but now too populated for their liking. Temofose is less frequented by other families and polluted by cargo ships and a lack of open views but as they stood there a semblence of twilight through the holographic cages offered closure to the purpose of them arguing in the elements about a timeline Shelly was going to step into  And no matter what argument he could put forth, Gerald thought of it fruitless unless he spoke from his heart, a heart of which Shelly was currently taking the place of, so that he could not use it against her. “Shelly, I just hope you can understand how I dont want to let you go.” “I’m sorry you feel that way. But it’s my choice. Have a good njght Gerald. I love you” She said as she went into darkness.

Summer Break 2018

As a street light exploring strip malls, I am a linoleum tile on top of a trapezoid emitting frames of rave scenes. Heres where I find myself walking through last nights dream of the gang member selling duck pussy then getting assaulted by a pizza guy and a cop. Alone after those nights. Seems love was never meant to be expressed but felt. I look inside to see if I’m about to die, seeing diamonds mixed with sky. Materializing in the backdrop of my memories. Now I know why.

Now I know.

Then a wren on the fence manifests when it needs to. The perspective pyramid is that I pleaded for a higher calling. There’s nobody bohemian as me.  One day I’ll take this civic off the road and escape into my sacred grove. If only I wasnt such a bitch.

I carry my single briefcase through the airport parking lot. I’m hot and out of breath. Everyone watching me. I can read their thoughts but not my own. They say look at the guy who isnt me but is still conscious enough to move his vessel.

The a/c runs down to the end of the terminal, but my spirit is squared by the stores selling vain material. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my mind’s eye televises scenes too chaotic to put into words. Walking through customs is an event to be remembered, I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days. I board the flight to say finally I am my own religion. If I was flying over africa I’d see bon fires, but over Georgia I only see street lights. Thinking how absurd that they will speak of me as crazy. Others will listen. A vibration through these amber aisles to look no further than my destiny. Because everyone has their destination is the way it goes. I refuse. I’m tired of being a number. Atlanta had its place. Now I’m homeless in Tokyo. This is the not-so perfect end to the chapter planned out for me by the higher power. Not-so bad neither.

Save me. I’m on the other side now.

#chapter 1 #short-story #novella #atl streetz #cancer moon #tryna

[misskittybutler-blog]

Long standing crush confessions

Crush...

2016 It's awful having a crush on someone. It really is. Take pity on those who are in love... Don't envy us... it hurts to crush... that's why it is called a crush - because that is exactly what it does. It crushes you. Every day.

When you open your eyes in the morning and the first thing you think of is their beautiful smile - you are crushed when you remember that you can't just turn over and find them there beside you...

When you find something cute online - a picture or a song and you download it with them in mind... Then you remember that you cannot send it to them because you've already texted them too much this week...

Then you are crushed. You swallow down would-be interactions because you're terified they'll catch on to your feelings and start to pull away... Or worse still 'talk tobyou about it'... That thought crushes you still further.

You imagen perhaps if you say just the right words, or if the two of you were forced into just the right situation... at the right proximity... or perhaps if you flick your hair just right that somhow they will magically start to feel the same way for you... You remember that it's never worked, and you always look your best around them... and it's never worked and you are crushed again. No matter how cute you are... they just dont like you that way. You're not enough and crushed again.

Every day this missing lover hurts your pride by not calling, not texting... it's easy for them to go a long time without you ever crossing their minds. For you it's an achievement to go a whole week without sending them anything... They don't know how many times they crush you... You cannot even be mad with them... the pain of missing them starts to become your friend because it never leaves you. Your devotion becomes your tormentor.

After a long day of living your life in all the technicolour you can muster you lie in bed and still they are there... In your mind, in your heart and beating in your veins as you imagine their lips again... After an exhausting day of pushing those thought away you indulge - you are tired and your defenses are down. You think about your desire and imagine some senario wherein this beautiful creature would look at you - YOU - with playfulness in their eyes. Your heart beats lava and you bite your lip too hard. You are taken by your passion, helpless, and imagine the taste of theirs...

Afterwards the bed is only luke warm and you remember that you shouldn't indulge these fantasies... You have to stop provoking your emotions like this! Pull yourself together this is getting out of hand. You crush yourself with lectures you've agreed with a million times. "It can never be. I am being foolish. It would ruin everything."

You sleep to escape the truth that you want what you cannot have. You sleep to hide from the fact that you feel like you are doing this to yourself and therefore deserve no sympathy or peace.

You meet your love in your dreams and all those shards of you melt in the warmth of their easy gaze... You relax and smile and awake with their smile on your mind... but you cannot roll over and find them there...

Do not envy those who are in love.

Pity us poor wretches who can only tell strangers on tumblr about this debilitating pain - and who must bite our tounges andbdig our finger nails into the palms of our hands as we are crushed each hour of each day.

Pity us who read too much into each interaction...

Pity us who have reliquished any hope of satisfaction.

Pity us who can never say any of these things aloud.

I've been in love with someone I can never ever have for more than a year. Worst part is I think they know, they just don't care.

~~~~~~~

2017: it's the 31st of December and I saw him today for the first time in weeks. I was really proud of the progress I'd made. I'd deleted all his messages, changed his name to his formal title on my phone and refused myself any contact with him. I promised myself that when I saw him again I'd keep a distance, no more hugs or kisses - space - healthy space.

He came straight up to me, bold as the sun and wrapped me so tight in his arms. I melted. and he smelt so good, so familiar and safe. He kissed the top of my head... like a child, a daughter or a sister, as a platonic little thing...

then he was off again smiling and laughing with everyone else. My heart beating lava again and my arms feeling violently empty from his sudden departure. All my work seemingly for nought. He makes me feel vulnerable and I don't know how to counteract it....

I've been working on getting over him and in a split second I am back where I was... Childish girl! Simple stupid creature. utter idiot.... dreamer.... fool.

My new years wish, prayer, resolution, decision, and hope is to be able to forget him. I hate my wicked heart. I never knew it was wicked before now. Before now I thought it would always lead me true. I guess I was wrong.

I send my unwanted love tonight, to those like me who get love from all but the one they want. Happy New Year you melencholy lovers.

I came home and cried. I've cried over him too many times. I promised I never would cry over him again. When I am alone I am so brave, so courageous and so true... when I see him... well... when I see him standing before me in the flesh.... I melt, as I hold my back straight and formal, and pretend I havn't missed him. Pretend that I didnt notice the very second that he came into view. Pretend, pretend, pretend - pretend that it's not difficult to look straight at him, for how long really can one gaze directly at the sun?

I'm going into my second year of unrequited love. it hurts and takes all my strength from me. Lord God above, I know that my pain is nothing at all to compare with the sufferings in this world... I know it is a sin to curse love... I know that I should not lament anything at all but just rejoice... My voice is sad tonight as I call out to you - I have prayed all year for you please to untie this curse in my heart that I love sombody I cannot have.

I've cried and begged you not to let me ever fall in love again. I cry still. I beg still. I cling to you and hope that there will come a morning when I open my eyes and he is not my first thought - I pray for a night when I can resist the fantasy of a kiss....

I pray humbly, please, if you have the inclination to free me from this torment, My Lord, please do so with hast... And if you cannot stop my wicked heart from loving, then let it love better..... Please, I beg you. I hear the fireworks of new year going off in the city, but my heart is bruised and tired tonight. Please forgive me please comfort me please heal me please free me from the thoughts of this man you created. Amen

~~~~~~~~~ So it's April of 2019, I've been in love with somone who doesnt see me that way for waaaay too long. I keep rebelling against my feelings but nothing realy works. I am utterly lost to love... I can admit now that I truly cannot help what I feel for him. What a fool. I spent this most recent Valentines day trying not to feel sad. I swore to myself I wouldnt cry, which of course I did end up doing. Very quietly and not for too long. But I sobbed intensley for a few moments before I pulled myself back together. I've gotten much more used to going and doing things alone. I've had some people come into my life over the past 3 years who've wanted to be my lover. I have refused them because I cannot shake this feeling I have for him... I kissed someone else to make me forget him, but I was an awful person, as I kissed this other person, my mind was imagining him... I can't do that to sombody... Just use their body to fantasize over the person I really want... no... it would hurt terribly if sombody did that to me, I won't do that to sombody else. I've tried and tried, but there are still small things he does that mesmerise me and make me feel warm and happy inside... The thought of his face makes me feel calm when I am afraid. The thought of him gives me courage for my challenges. I'm greatful to know that person like him even exsists... I know that one day, if I am lucky, I will feel the same way again for someone else. Someone who is willing to reach out and take my hand... I'm so tired of aching for someone who will never willingly reach out to me first. Never text first. Never call first. If I am blessed with romantic love, I will find someone who actually wants to be around me more often than only in formal settings... I would like to feel that again... from the person I am in love with especially... To be desired in return... It hurts so badly to feel so much raw powerful lustful beloved energy for sombody who doesnt want any of it. You keep it all in to be respectful and decent. I'm SA English so we're all basically forced to be very polite from birth... I could never be blunt or forward about it, I have given him a million chances to linger with me, and he always runs away. I wish I could make him stay... I wish he would hold my hand... I wish I could sit with him during a beautiful sunset and then watch the fireworks together... I wish it wasn't true that I am in this condition... updating a 3 year old post before falling asleep alone.

April 2019 update: Last night while I was on my dialysis treatment I lay under the blankets and wept uncontrollably, very quietly the tears just flowed from my heartbreak and rejection. I cried so bitterly that my blood pressure went up to 200/123 and needed meds to help bring it down again. I couldnt stop it, much as I tried. Call me pathetic, I dont care, I've called myself that too but it hasnt changed anything about how terrible I feel. I am wasting my life waiting for someone to love me in a way that he never will... I've spent too long thinking that maybe if I improved myself and my status that he would notice me, but I see now that no matter how many things I achieve, or how many things I do, or how attractive I make myself, he simply doesnt want to know. My normal relationships have been with lovers who mutually wanted me back and loved me too. I dont have a track record of falling for "safe" unattainable people... This is an anomaly in my life, not a pattern... I hate myself for this terrible longing. I literally dispise myself for these painful feelings. When I dream of him these last few months I always see him with his back to me or in a big crowd of others and I am outside of it looking in. I wish I could just take the hint. I imagin myself seeing him in that situation, the one I see in my dreams, that he is busy with others; chatting and laughing. I see myself taking a last look at his beautiful face before turning away and looking out at a vast expanse. There is a whole world for me to explore and go get lost in. I think about seeking him out to say goodbye, but how do you say goodbye to someone who doesnt even say hello? So I just turn and go. the world is very big, and very beautiful. I see myself looking out at vast mountain scapes and far away horizons of smoky cliffs. With my hands deep in my jacket pockets and a traveling bag over my shoulder I glace back one last time to see his back to me in a crowd, I'm sure he won't notice I'm gone for a long time... When he does it will probably be a relief as I'm sure seeing my desire for him only makes him uncomfortable because it is no what he also wants. Of course I wish that he would notice, of course I wish that he would stop me, I wish many things, which is exactly why I need to get away and stay away... I see myself walking away, still every now and then looking back to see them all get smaller and smaller, until I cannot see any of them any more. I keep walking, until all I know is that they are all "back there" somewhere, and eventually losing track of exactly how to get back there anyway. I see myself at the base of a series of highly stacked moutains, looking up the towering colossia dissapearing into curles if dense vapours, and ancient lush growth that fleeces the jagged rocks. The gravel is cold beneath my shoes and my walking stick is strong and stable. I watch myself disapear into the high rocks and meandering roads that cut up into the network of spider thread pathways that lead to the isolation I seek. I will find a new life. I will reclaim my heart eventually. One day I will even forget his name. One day I will be as indifferent to his exsistance as he is to mine. One day I will be free again and regain my self respect... One day I will be able to acknowledge how much this pain has taught me, amd I shall see how this suffering has hepped me to grow. But before I have the strenth for any of this, these terrible burns across my heart must heal and be left untouched for a long time so that the senstive wound can cool off and become the new shell of protection I so desperatly need. maybe one day I will even come back down out of the isolated mountains - a different creature coming out than the one who went in. Or maybe I never will come out again, amd I will just keep climbing. Upon reaching the summit I shall lay hold onto the very clouds themselves and climb still higher and disappear from this place completly. Reaching the dark void of space I will find the solace I need. Swimming through the black depths I will climb up into the molten heart of the Sun, carrying this unrequited love in my heart, so I can give back this curse to God, that it and I can be destroyed in that bright furance at last. The power of Sun can swallow this nuclear reactor in my chest and it can burn its last.

#crush #what it feels like #do not envy those in love #tumblr confession

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #6: "in the wise words of The Rolling Stones, you can't always get what you want." - Stephen Z

With Isaac eliminated, there really isn't anywhere for any of us to hide. I talked with Jess and Alyssa and all 3 of us really wanted there to be a merge here. Unfortunately, in the wise words of The Rolling Stones, you can't always get what you want.

I trust Jess. She said she'd go to rocks for me at this past vote if she had to and I think she was telling the truth. We have allies from old Takagi we're just waiting to re-connect with and possibly take over this joint! I've worked with her in successful plans and in failures. We've been allies at our most uncertain points in the game and we came out the other end of it in the numbers.

But I trust Alyssa too. Really. When Jess was sent to the basement, we came up with the plan to make Isaac vote Jess instead of me, which he was originally planning to do. In a way, I betrayed Jess there in order to make sure I wasn't a target at Tribal Council. Alyssa is a good player, and I could really use an ally like her.

It's at the point where losing this Immunity Challenge is bad for me no matter what happens afterwards. There's no possible elimination from this tribe that is good for my game. If we lose, I'm going to either lose one of my closest allies, or my own game could very well end.

I can’t believe it’s day 15 already. Isaac left so that’s another orinigal Kato gone, my only concern is that every Tagaki member will stick together but there has to be cracks, especially since Karthik has told me with who he did not talk so I could use that if I need it in a future merge, me and Zach have continued to get along so maaaybe I would be fine if we ever went to tribal.

i just did immunity and prepared ~15 lists.

none of them were used.

i flopped.

and before i started, jones said two haunting words that will forever trigger me . . .

"spelling counts" i shudder when i write this and i responded, "well it'so ver"

furthering my triggeredness (sp?)

WE JUST WON and I maaaay have just made merge witg being in Final 11 and whewww, hopefully we merge but even if we don't I feel like I will be safe, me and Zach talked about what could happen if we lose and we both said that we were NOT gonna vote each other and I'm happy to be playing with him rn, especially since he has become my new #1 since Fede's elimination.

Ugh Zach beast moded again, talk about challenge threat he’ll definitely go soon after merge. As soon as possible if I get any say. So I’m in the basement, and the teddy bear betrayed me and apparently I got a finger boo-boo and thats knocked me out for my entire time down there :/ Also Stephen the Lesser didn’t go home last round rip. I’m worried about Luke. At least if he goes I know Ally isn’t on my side and I didn’t have to find that out when she votes me out.

Zach wins immunity once again for the tribe all by himself....my wig. This guy isn't letting me go to the tribal council :| Gosh, this is getting so boring for me now. I am just locked up here and this doesnt feel like playing Survivor at all. I am ready for the merge and hoping for some crazy fun stuff to follow it. I have consciously underplayed my social game with Miguel and a bit with Jake so that I dont appear as a threat when we merge. Uhhhhh thats it, bye!

I’m finding myself at tribal once again, at this point I have been to almost every tribal this season, but if I’m remembering correctly, have avoided getting a single vote at any tribal so far. I’m feeling okay as Ally and I seem to be on the same page for this vote and therefore have control of the vote. I’d rather an og Takagi go home so we can keep the og kato numbers at a good point for merge. I’m a tad nervous that I could be blindsided tonight at tribal but I’m hoping my loyal allies don’t decide to go down that route, we have been working well together and I don’t want this to end for me, I feel that I’m playing this game really well as I’m showing a new side of myself each week. I’m so close to the merge and I’m really hoping to make it to the merge this time around. The game continues and I’m ready for whatever comes next.

Ok so I'm not sure if I confessed or not but rip Isaac!! I saw it coming. I completed the challenge and Um!!!! I FLOPPED SO HARD. I HOPE my tribe can pull through and win this. Me and Karthik are already taking precautions by discussing the vote in case we lose and one of us is sent to the basement. I suggested Miguel and he was down for that vote!

The fact that I've made it to Day 16 is really astounding given the fact that I've been playing worse than I thought. The bright point is me and Ally are hopefully gonna live through this tribal! If all goes to plan, we've hopefully flipped Luke and Stephen will be going home. Would be nice to have a takagi idol but oh well :)))))

Not having to worry about a challenge to Tribal Council has been really refreshing. I feel really comfortable predicting that the merge is coming up soon. F11 is a great time to merge since it makes since whether Final Tribal has 2 or 3 finalists. My plan then will be re-connecting with my old Takagi allies plus Alyssa so we can take down that original Kato alliance she told me and Jess about. That will only get me so far though.

Once the merge happens, I'll be a lot less worried for my own safety. I honestly don't think I'm seen as a huge threat right now in any of my alliances. I need to pay attention to how the people I'm planning to send to jury perceive me and my allies though. Most of them have never talked to me before so I'm worried in that regard. However, I've been pretty good at forging new alliances in this game. The merge is my last chance to make some positive first impressions and I plan to do just that.

Pretty sure the pressure of this challenge aged me a good 10 years. It was a do or die kind of a competition for my tribe. If we would have lost I would have most likely had to take out Alyssa. If I kept her over an original tribe member it'd be basically death for me in this game.

BUT we didn't lose so.......ha. However, the more I think about it.. the more I KIND of want to keep her around since she's a target? But I've also done that before and she won the game. I'm a M-E-S-S.

I'm pretty sure merge is this upcoming round and I don't think I have a gameplay for it. I think I will most likely have to reconnect with Tim somehow and constantly reassure him that I'M NOT WITH ALYSSA. Then I gotta kill Zach in this game somehow. I can see him winning all of the competitions going forward unless it's a luck based competition... I'm going to have to adapt and that's that.

I don't know if the basement would even be considered a thing come merge but I can see Stephen W pulling off the unthinkable and found something...

Ok so I'm not sure if I confessed or not but rip Isaac!! I saw it coming. I completed the challenge and Um!!!! I FLOPPED SO HARD. I HOPE my tribe can pull through and win this. Me and Karthik are already taking precautions by discussing the vote in case we lose and one of us is sent to the basement. I suggested Miguel and he was down for that vote!

So I also talked to Zach about a potential tribal and I mentioned Miguel but he was hesitant and asked why him. I simply stated that I like Jake more lol. But we ended up WINNING!!!!!!!! And omg Zach got a fucking 100 and carried the hell out of my flop score of 26.

i'm going to answer your questions: 1 - i'm not sure who'll leave. i wouldn't be surprised to see stephen or luke have the idol. i honestly... couldn't predict it. 2 - merge is either gonna be after tonights tribal or final 10. BAM! 3 - i have one. i think one of alyssa/stephen/luke have kato idol. if alyssa, the bitch has two idols. 4 - fuck the basement. i wanna go there one day. 5 - this game is v well hosted i'm sorry yawls aint gettin confs ?? 6 - sister only got 2 more rounds at most so.

-- tim told karthik & i that if we went to tribal, he'd wanna vote miguel. it's interesting, but it's not surprising (in the regard that jake is better socially than miguel) but i wasn't going to let that happen, no ma'am.

i don't have much to say butttt ill make more content or whatever WHEN merge hits (or post tribal i guess, if it's just another round).

karthiks so fucking funny omg i love him btw. i post my fav memories w/ him in the conf but ya.

FUCKING FINALLY. If we legit went to tribal with 3 people I have no doubt I would’ve been fucked. I KNOW Jess has cutting me on her mind because she must be thinking she won’t be able to win the game otherwise. I’m really pulling for Stephen to survive in this Takagi tribal council. I need him once we get to merge to face the people who tried to get me out at the beginning of this game.

Liam is voted out in a 3-1 vote.

#episode #escapenow

[alexabettlv-blog]

Writing Final Blog Evaluation

Alexa Betesh

Writing Final Blog Evaluation

Dr. Dara Barnat

December 24th, 2018

  “Maturing in Tel Aviv”

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/alexabettlv

  “Self-Reflective Statement”

           As I reflect back on the past five months, I am in awe at how much I matured as an individual. Through my personal experiences that I encountered, I was able to form my experiences into words. Therefore, I saw that through all my accomplishments I not only grew as an individual but as a writer as well.

           Upon starting this course, I thought that I would struggle because I am not used to ‘free writing’. However, thanks to the peer- reviews in workshops, homework, and classwork I was able to get comfortable with the uncomfortable of this form of free writing. I never been used to this form of writing, in school I have always been structured to write in a more informative and factual way. This new rare form of writing allowed me to be open to opinions and ideas from my peers. It gave me a direction to follow as a starting point and allowed me to flourish in my writing.

           As I look back on my writings, it is clear to see that I have grown. My skills and fluidity has developed as the ten weeks went on, allowing me to express myself in an even deeper way. I did not hold myself back, I wrote what I felt was meant to me shared. This class has given me the ability to understand myself in a new way. I will miss this class but I will keep the concepts and ideas that I learned this semester with me as I go through different courses in my college experience.

     Week Nine Homework Writing Exercise on ‘Endings’

I never really thought of endings as a definite ‘end’. I look at it in a more optimistic way, knowing that when “one door closes, another door opens”. I always think back to this saying when I am faced with something coming to a close. Especially in Israel, I know that my time here is not over. Yes, I am beyond excited to get back to America for there are so many things that I miss: my family, the comfort of my own home, my daily routine and my friends. But, the emotions I feel for leaving this beloved place is completely bittersweet.

Studying here for the past five months has been extremely important to me. As I reflect back on the type of person I was when arriving here, I laugh at how different I was. Coming to a completely new country all without the comfort of my family, I was as immature and independent. Throughout the five months of my time traveling throughout Israel and Europe, my experiences have molded me into the mature and independent person I now am. 

I believe that life is a series of events, there is always something new to look forward to when one thing ends. These endings and new beginnings stay with you as you grow as an individual. Everything must come to an end, regardless if it is a sad or happy ending, it brings new and exciting experiences that you are able to face head-on because you learned from your past experiences that there are many good things to come. 

There has been many happy and sad endings and beginnings that I encountered over the past five months. It started with getting on the plane to start my journey here. Saying goodbye to my family and boyfriend was not as easy as I thought, there were tears and lots of hugs. But as soon as I said goodbye to America and my family, I looked ahead to Israel and the thought of all the experiences and memories that I am about to encounter with my best friends. Life works in a weird way, it makes you realize how grateful you are for something right when you don’t have it anymore. My time here in Israel made me more grateful and appreciative for things that I have in my life. It’s funny how when something is done, all you do is want it back. That’s why my time here in Israel not only made me more appreciative for my past but for my future as well. I know that I will take things for granted and appreciate them more. All these new and exciting beginnings mean so much to me, just as much as my endings.

I no longer think of things as ‘coming to a close’ but as a way of appreciating it and looking forward to what else life has to offer. I know that when I leave this amazing, unique and perfect city, I am going to be heartbroken. But, I know that it has taught me so many amazing life lessons and gave me so many experiences that I will never forget. I will open my new beginnings as I begin my Junior year back at Tulane University, never saying no to any opportunities and going with an open mind. Getting on the plane to go back to America will be one of the hardest ‘goodbye’s’ but, I know that a new adventure will be waiting for me back at home.

 Week Eight General Writing Exercise of a Special image

As I reflect back on the months I spent living in Israel, many exciting and memorable experiences come back to my mind. However, I always think back to this particular moment during my time in Tzfat. This moment and the whole weekend itself had not only made my experience in Israel memorable but inspirational as well. Upon coming to Israel, I have never been Bat Mitzvah. My dad, Ralph, never believed in a girl going up to the Torah is that he recently became very religious after his mom passed away. His new beliefs on Jewish traditions altered many things in our families lives. We now observed Shabbat and kept a kosher household. Along with these new beliefs on Jewish traditions, I was to have a Hebrew tutor once a week to teach me instead of attending Hebrew school. My Hebrew tutor taught me the history of Judaism as well as how to read and write in Hebrew. Given these new traditions, I was never given the actual opportunity to become a bat mitzvah; however, I did have a party in celebration of it. 

That is why this particular picture means a lot to me. The background of this picture encompasses so much meaning and emotion. Towards the end of the summer, my friends and I went on a trip to Tzfat to celebrate Shabbat in a holy city. The whole weekend was filled with new people, traditions, prayers, songs, memories, and laughs. The weekend started with Friday night services where exchange students from all over the world sat outside under the beautiful night sky to recite the prayers and sing songs together. It was a euphoric feeling, dancing under the night sky in such a holy place with a bunch of people who share the same love for Israel as much as I do. We shared speeches about our backgrounds and what brought us to study abroad in Israel. As we all ate and drank next to one another, Dov’s family told us stories about their past and I was intrigued by each story.  

As the weekend went on, the group of exchange students, chaperones and Dov’s family became closer together as we bonded over the weekend. On the last night of our weekend, my friend Zoe and I asked if we would be able to be Bat Mitzvah together since we both never had the opportunity. Everyone, including Dov’s family, climbed their way up the mountain under the night sky. Singing together in unison we arrived an underground cave, in awe, we all took in our surroundings. The walls covered in writings of those who came to the exact same place to make their mark. Each of us was given a candle and listened to Dov and his son sing prayers. 

As the ceremony went on, Zoe and I were asked to come up as everyone stood and listened. We were blessed and honored as newly women. The celebration did not end there, we kept singing and dancing as if no one had a care in the world. We stood together as one, not thinking about the different places we all came from, and let go with the music. Thinking back to this exact moment puts a smile on my face. It’s moments like these where I am proud of being Jewish and studying abroad here.  

  “Special Objects To Me” Blog post from week ___

Whenever I leave my dorm room, I reach for one of the most important things to throw into my bag: my Airpods. This little white Apple box has been with me since my flight on July 25th to Tel Aviv. They have been brought along with me on all the journeys and experiencing all these new and exciting memories. I literally do not leave my room without them, which is weird to think about. But, you never know where your day will take you. As if it were my first nature, I put my Airpods in once I am out the door I start my walk to wherever the day takes me. Scrolling through my Spotify playlists I pick click on a playlist that will set my mood: usually it’s “The Greatest Showman: Reimagined” playlist because it not only is amazing, but motivates me to be my best self for the day. Starting my day off with some motivation from a few of my favorite singers, puts me in a positive mindset and ready to deal with whatever the day throws at me.

It doesn’t matter the distance of where I am walking, but I always have my Airpods in. I’ve always liked my alone time, especially when I am able to escape the craziness of my daily life and walk off whatever is bothering me. As I walk through campus, the music from my ears allows me to escape into my surroundings looking at other pupils in their daily student activities. When I sit in a Gett alone, my Airpods allow me to call or Facetime my parents or friends back in the US to talk without limiting me to be holding a phone up to my face, allowing me to take in my beautiful surroundings of Tel Aviv through the windows. Even walking down Dizengoff Street after a workout class, I am able to walk for miles without feeling as though I am alone. I am able to explore new area’s around me, shops, café’s boutiques, and bars. All these new experiences my Airpod gives me the opportunity to see Tel Aviv in a new light. 

My Airpods have become a staple in my memories in Tel Aviv. Although they not only brought me the ability to escape my surroundings and let my mind go with the music, but they gave me the ability to become an independent person. This little white box gave me the security blanket I needed to be able to go out of my comfort zone to experience all new things differently. I’ve never been one to go out of my own bubble, I used to be scared to even go to work-out classes alone. But the security of my Airpods connecting me to music, phone calls, and social media allows me to feel like I am connected to all my friends back home, never making me feel alone. Whenever I do feel alone, I look to my airpods as a way to connect me things that give me happiness. I often find myself sitting in my bed even when I am alone in a room, watching my show with my Airpods on full blast. Giving me a comforting feeling that I am not alone and I am secure. To me, Airpods are home and security even when so far away. 

Object Two:

           For my second object, I selected to write about my bracelet with my name on it written in Hebrew. The reason I decided to study abroad in Tel Aviv was to learn more knowledge about my religion and my families background. I’ve always been interested in Judaism and learning more about it being that I come from a modern religious family. We observe Shabbat, have Friday night dinners as a family, and keep a kosher household. Although I know the basics about Judaism, I wanted to know more. That is why I wanted to explore Tel Aviv when studying abroad here to learn more about who I am. 

           As I lived here the past five months, I have learned a lot about Tel Aviv through my personal experiences. Throughout these past five months, Tel Aviv has become a part of me. As I walk along the streets on the weekends, I am in awe at how religious Tel Aviv actually is. Before coming to Tel Aviv, I imagined the streets on Shabbat to be vacant for so many people would be observing the holidays. I pictured Tel Aviv in a different way, a more stereotypical way. But I was able to see with my own eyes that Tel Aviv is not what I believed. As I walk the streets of Dizengoff, people are talking with one another, drinking, eating, talking on their phone and birding up and down the streets. With so much commotion going on it creates excitement in me, wanting me to stay here and live amongst them. 

           However, in these past five months I was given the opportunity to explore many more places in Israel. Granted the experiencing to observe Shabbat in Tzfat, I saw Israel in a new way.  As I took a tour throughout Tzfat on Saturday, I was asked to not bring my cellphone because the neighborhood was more observant than others. I was more than happy to leave my cell phone back at the hostel to be able to allow myself to experience this special Shabbat in such a Holy place. As I walked through the neighborhood I walked by many families dressed up to observe Shabbat, no form of technology in site. Walking with their families in a proper manner saying, ‘Shabbat Shalom’ to everyone they pass. 

This distinct dissimilarity in the way in which families in Israel live is drastically different. It is crazy to think how in different cities of Israel that observe Judaism differently. As I look back on this trip, I am surprised at the lifestyle here but I am consumed by how interesting it is. 

Tel Aviv is this amazing place filled with so many people coming together, everyone observing Judaism the way they want to. That is why this bracelet is an important object to me, for it allows me to remember my weekend spent in Tzfat and how I saw Israel in a different way. When I look down at my wrist I look at my name on my bracelet and feel a sense of pride. I have learned so much about myself and of Judaism in these past few months. I am happy to see myself for who I really am and my religion.

[lovenerdywinnerbouquetfan-blog]

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How much would i pay for car Insurance for cheap car that cost me honda accord 2000,I am 18 Years old, never been in any accident.""

First car insurance help?

I am 17 year old male, I have spent months looking for a car that I can be insured on for at least a respectable price, I have have gotten quotes for all the typical first cars, KA, Corsa, Punto, Ibiza etc. and they have all been ridiculous like 5-6k?! Now I know you can get insurance as a new male driver cheaper I just don't know what car or how that is possible. I've heard rumors that Ford Puma's are actually very good on insurance for new male drivers even though they are 1.4l and up? is that true?""

What is an affordable life insurance for a cigarette smoker?

What is an affordable life insurance for a cigarette smoker?

What company has the cheapest car insurance for a teen in north carolina ?

What company has the cheapest car insurance for a teen in north carolina ?

Mercury insurance teen driver rates?

hi i am 16 and i just got my permit. i was wondering, do u need insurence when driving with a permit? also how much are mercury insurance teen driver rates (estimate $$) because thts what my mom has as insurace. please if anybody has any idea what the rates are or if there are specials for teenagers? thank you :] sarah""

DUI for minors and the effects on car insurance?

What is the effect on car insurance premiums of a first, second and third offense for a minor who drives under the influence of alcohol.""

""If my car was severely keyed, and i want insurance to pay for some of it, will my geico insurance rate go up?""

psycho ex bf keyed every single panel of my jeep, including F^&* you and cya boo and a couple of X s. fml. there's no way in hell i can pay for it on my own but it is so embarassing. if i try to get insurance to pay for it, will my rate go up?""

How much would my insurance be?

Hi, I'm a 17 year old female and just passed my driving test. My parents are successful, therefore they're giving me their 2011 Ford Galaxy 2.3 Ghia with a supercharged fitted on it. I was wondering how much the insurance would be? Do they consider the speed of the car? Thanks.""

Insurance is cheaper for me when i have a provisional licence but?

if i put a full licence in the qoute generator it goes up like triple the price .the reason im asking is because i want to buy a car to practice but im scared when i pass and get a full licence the insurance price will go up ridiculously.im a 20 yr old boy and want a vauxhall corsa or citreon saxo

Young driver insurance?

what is the best car insurance for young drivers

About how much money a month do you think it would cost a 16 year old to get a mustang gt ?

Including insurance and how much do you think the down payment will be

Health insurance help..family of 6?

we got denied Medicaid in our state, said we make to much money. we cant afforded it our works don't have it. where can i go to get at least a RX card or something?? or a place that has affordable insurance?""

How much would it cost to insure a 1967 ford mustang?

im a first time female driver, live in new jersey, am not in college, am 19, and the insurance is joined on to my parents insurance(allstate). im not asking for a exact amount but an estiment would be awesome. i wanna see if ill be able to afford insuring my car.""

university of oregon gtf insurance

university of oregon gtf insurance

Dispute Car insurance claim estimate - Tiny paint mark

I lightly bumped the car in front of me and left a tiny red mark from my license plate. When I got out of the car I could rub the paint off with my finger, but I could tell the other driver was uncomfortable with me touching his car so I stopped. He said he wasnt going to file a claim but he did and the estimate for fixing his car was $641 Dollars!!!!!! Since this is over the $500 limit my insurance has for no penalty, if i do not pay this out of pocket my insurance will go up by $250 a year for 6 years. WHAT CAN I DO? I want to dispute this because there is no way it would cost that much to rub the red paint off. Thanks in advance!""

Is insurance a must for everybody to have?

Is insurance a must for everybody to have?

""Can you drive your friend's car, which is insured but you are not in his/her insurance?

I am not added to his insurance but the car is insured.. how does it work?.. website link would help as well..

If I get car insurance will my parents' rates go up?

If I get my own car insurance with my own policy from a completely different insurance company than my parents', but use the same address, would that cause my parents' rates to go up?""

How much is car insurance for teens?

How much is car insurance for teens?

Is there some affordable health insurance plan in the U.S. that doesnt have a huge deductible?

Is there some affordable health insurance plan in the U.S. that doesnt have a huge deductible?

Insurance question??

Could i have a vehicle put in my name (because i make the payments).And the insurance in my girlfriends name (because its cheaper) in the state of ky?

If the address on the car insurance doesn't match the registration certificate can the car still b taxed?

because i stay at both addresses the insurance and the registration certificate dont match but can i still get my car taxed?

Low cost insurance on my car?

I'm 18, about to start paying for my insurance. I have a 1998, Honda accord EX, 6V 2D. I've had my license since 2010 and a clean record. My parents have us on nationwide but it's really expensive. What's a cheaper insurance company I could go to when I graduated?""

""Could $5,000 provide healthcare for a family?""

If this credit becomes reality, doesn't it seem logical that a major healthcare provider would put together an affordable health insurance package for the credit amount and market the ...show more""

Car insurance question?

i had a non fault accident for which the claim is still ongoing as the 3rd party is not admitting liability and we both are with same insurance. The problem is that our car is booked in for repairs but and we have fully comprehensive insurance but the insurance is saying that they cannot guarantee us courtesy car as no one is admitting liability??? and they told me to phone hire company to ask them if they can provide one, i have always thought that with fully comp you are guaranteed courtesy car but i do not understand what they are doing.""

DUI for minors and the effects on car insurance?

What is the effect on car insurance premiums of a first, second and third offense for a minor who drives under the influence of alcohol.""

Cheap insurance?

im 17 & i live in toronto (CANADA) and i gotta 1992 honda civic , and i m looking for the cheapest insurance possible does anyone know some kind of insurance agency who can get me a cheap insurance $300 or less?""

Child support and health insurance???

If someone is going to provide health insurance (and dental,vision) for a child does that lower child support even a little??""

Car insurance coverage help!?

Currently I have a financed car. And is still currently paying for it monthly. After doing some research and purchasing my car insurance coverage - State Farm. My dad insisted he will help me with all the process. However, after he and I got done with everything. My coverage are, A - Liability P20 - Personal Injury Protection U, W uninsured and underinsured And finally these two: D - 500 Deductible Comprehensive G - 500 Deductible Collision which I learn online it is OPTIONAL to have: ( SO WHY DO I NEED IT EXACTLY THEN? my dad try explaining it but it didn't get through my hot head. ) So can anyone please tell me is it a requirement for me to have those to coverage D & G, if not I would really like to get it off and save some money instead of throwing it out the window. Thanks.""

Should I sue my parents...?

When I was 4 years old I was in a car accident and my parents had a settlement with the drunk drivers insurance and recieved 100,000 dollars for me. At such a young age I didnt really know what was going on and they told me that it had to be put up till I was 18 and I couldnt have it. Well that money is no longer there and I am now 20. As I grew up they told me that it all just went to lawyer fees but obviously I am old enough now to know better. I found out from other family members that they just blew it. I am now married and have three month old baby and I could have used that money to help get a house for us or help with the financial problems that come with being a new parent or newlywed. Should I sue them to get what was mine to begin with and if so how do I go about it and what are the chances that I will win?""

How long do you have to have SR22 insurance? It's really expensive and my case was settled over 2 yrs ago.

How long do you have to have SR22 insurance? It's really expensive and my case was settled over 2 yrs ago.

After you sell your car do you get your insurance back?

my car has failed M.O.T and can't be fixed as its to much would i have to pay my car insurance off or get back what ive payed so far

How/where can I get affordable braces?

Hey Yahoo Answers, I have been wanting to get braces for the past 5 years (since 2007). My main obstacle is affording them. They're heinously expensive. Also, the idea of ...show more""

Will my car insurance cover this?

My car was parked in a parking spot at my apartment complex last night as it always is when I'm here, and this morning I go to my car and notice a decent size dent in my hood. It must have been done by some rowdy drunken fools last night. Will my insurance cover this?""

""What's the best, affordable health insurance company?""

I'm in college, so I don't work. Therefore, I need health insurance, and I'm paying 191.00 per month for BlueCross! Is there any better out there? Please help! I live in Florida, 26, healthy.""

15 1/2 year old male insurence in california ?

im 15 1/2 and just got my permit and i have a 72 galaxie 500 2 door hard top but its not registered i was wondering if it would be cheaper to register the car in my name but be on my parents insurance or register it in my dads name and be on his insurance or just have my own insurance? i live in california. so if you can help that be great and dose anyone know how much it be if i joined my parents?

Does anybody know any Insurance Company sell GAP insurance for a car bought more than 12 months ago?

I bought my car nearly a year ago and I do not have a GAP insurance. I am thinking to buy this GAP insurance but the companies I have spoken to said they only sell for the cars bought within last 30 or 90 days. So if any of you know a company does in my situation that ll be very helpful. Thank you very much

Can you get car insurance when you're 17?

My parents have geico... and they're charging me a crazzzy amount. I know I can go to another company and get insurance cheaper but im only 17. Is there an agency that insures 17 yr olds without their parents on the plan... or whatever its called. I have my own car and everything i just NEED new insurance. PLEASEE. ONLY SERIOUS ANSWER BY PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. thanksss guys!

What are some healthcare insurances available for 63 yrs old?

My mom is looking for healthcare insurance.

university of oregon gtf insurance

university of oregon gtf insurance

Health Insurance?

anybody got any good advice am looking for health insurance my husband retires soon and we will need to get our own Health insurance. looked at blue cross and health partners but it so expensive anyone no anyone more affordable ty for any info.

Car insurance for someone who only drives 1000 miles a year.?

I drive 800 to 1000 miles a year ( just groceries shopping mostly) and have to pay the same insurance premium as someone who drives 10,000 miles a year. Allstate doesn't care if I drive anything less. I spend more on car insurance than I do on gas. Does any car insurance company give a break to people who barely do any driving?""

Car insurance for teenagers?

Im 18 and I own a used car. Never a trouble maker. I have a part time job. I want to know what insurance I can get for my car that is affordable.

Car Insurance Help!? Will my rates go up?

Today when I got outta school, I was about to drive home and i found a huge dent on the passenger side door. So it was a hit and run I guess. Nobody left any note or anything. I drove the car home and called the cops to get a police report. the cop gave me a card with her name and the case number, but she said that if i file a claim with insurance, the company will either drop me or increase my rates. I'm a 17 year old boy and i live in maryland and im insured under geico. will my rates go up? Thanks""

About how much money does car insurance cost?

Im 15 going to be 16. Wondering how much money car insurance would cost. I would be getting my parents old car.

Will my insurance go up?

I live in California. Here, the driver is responsible for the ticket and not the owner. My bf is 19 and im 18, and he drives very well but does have license because he uses his bike. He drove my car and got two tickets because he did not have his headlights on and a misdemeanor for an unlicensed driver. I read that my bf will have to pay $25 if he gets his license before court and $230 for no light. I was wondering will my insurance go up? and will my dad be notified?""

I recently had hail damage to my car and my insurance company did an estimate which is 100% lower than 3 reput

I recently had my car damaged by hail and I have comprehensivr coverage. My insurance company had an adjuster do the estimate and his estimate is 100% lower than 3 other estimated I had done (some of which weer by shops they work with...CRP). They are telling me I can take it in and they will pay the shops a supplemental check for the additional costs. I don't want to take it in because of my deductible and they are telling me pretty much the only way i can really re-coup the money owed to me is to have it fixed...I pay for my policy and as I understand it, i am entitled to the compensation of the damage and it is my choice to have it fixed or not...am I right or wrong in my understanding????""

What are the benefits of Antique Car Insurance?

Or Collectible Car Insurance, whatever you want to call it. And is it cheaper than typical insurance? (Though I doubt it)""

Why is car insurance so expensive in the UK?

I'm a 19 year old male with 2 years no claims. I have just come back from the USA where everyone there drives huge engined trucks and cars, including even the 16-year-olds. Fed up with driving a tiny hatchback, I enquire about insuring my Dad's dormant K reg BMW 735 auto LPG which is a really nice cruising car ideal for long journeys. However the insurance companies reject me almost immediately. Why is this the case in the UK? Why am I not allowed to drive a nice car albeit old just because I am young? I'm a keen car restorer and take the utmost care whilst driving, and living on a farm have driven most vehicles, so would not say I was inexperienced. Does anyone know of any bespoke insurers or do I really have to stick to driving a tiny hatchback until I'm 25? It seems as though the whole system is unfairly against me :(""

What would my insurance be if i got a crotch rocket?

im 17 and have my license for a car. i was thinking about getting my motorcycle license. what i want to know is, how much would the insurance be if i bought a crotch rocket? yes, i know how to ride one.""

What should i do about car insurance?

Basically in 2009 i got caught speeding without insurance. Biggest Mistake of my life. Lost my licence and had to start from provisional again. Now i have passed my test and it is a few years on i dont know what to do about getting insurance. I refuse to drive without it now. The thing i need to know is do i tell my insurance company about the claims that were less than 5 years ago or don't i? the reason is because my licence was taken away without a ban put back to provisional and now re-started fresh so do i still have to put them or not? Also if i do what would happen if i don't? Just out of curiosity as it would be a lot cheaper but if i have to i will obviously. Thanks

Woul insurance rates change depending on transmission type?

would automatic transmission cost more for insurance or manual? or does it not matter curious to know....

I need help with car insurance?

My parents are divorced and i live with them each 50% of the time. I just turned 16 and was put under my dads insurance. When im at my moms house am i allowed to drive her cars even though i am not listed under her insurance and live in her house part time???

What's the insurance like on an Acura RSX S-Type?

I'm just turning 16 and this's my 1st car(well actually my 3rd but the 1st one I've bought) and i know prices vary but i just want an idea of what my insurance will look like?

""1yr with my license and I want a new car, will insurance be high?""

I have about 12 months with my license. I have had 2 accidents. One was from the snow last january, but I didn't hit any car. The second one was this september and it was for careless driving. Now im thinking of getting a used car by august. A car around 5-8gs, and im planning on financing it. And putting full coverage on it, because now I have a baby on the way. Does anyone think I should get a car or will my insurance be to much? How long should I have my license before I get a car around $10,000?""

How much life insurance coverage do I need?

I am a single mother, and have 1 child (she is 2 years old). I am in my mid 20's and healthy. I have no debt besides a small student loan, and do not own a home. My parents are fairly young (late 40's), and would be more than capable of taking care of my daughter if I die (they are upper/middle class). I'm not quite sure how much life insurance I need to carry in my situation now, or if I were to purchase a home etc. Right now I am insured for $50,000. Is that too little? How much coverage would I need? I want to have a good level of coverage, but I can't afford to pay more than $25 a month premium right now.""

Anyone know of affordable health insurance that is not a scam?

im in florida - sunrise

Do you think car insurance should be mandatory in all of the United States?

I live in Wisconsin. Car insurance is not required for cars trucks and anything else on the road. I think this is wrong with medical and car repair bills being so expensive these days. Worst part about it is some of these non insured people drive like lunatics and if they do hit you they have nothing to even sue them for. I think it's disgusting.

Does anyone who is under 18 and doesn't have health coverage automatically qualify for MassHealth?

We live in Massachusetts and I previously heard that ANYONE who is under 18 and does not have health insurance will automatically qualify for the free state insurance, MassHealth. Does anyone know if this is true because it doesn't really specify online.""

Where can you read reviews on renter's insurance?

My mom just moved into this expensive high-rise building and considering the crazy amount of rent she's paying for it and all the stuff she's putting in it I think she needs insurance. How can you decide on which one to go with?

Best car insurance for college students?

I need to know what the cheapeast car insurance is... ....

""If my mum is insured to drive my car, does she still need insurance on her car?""

My mum has been driving for 30 years and she currently has her own car with fully comp insurance. I have just bought a car and want to go under my mums insurance. If I do this, can she cancel the insurance on her car and still drive it (if the cover has a policy that says she is insured to drive any car). In other words will her fully comp insurance cover her on both cars? If not if there an option to add another car onto the policy without having to get a completely different quote? Thanks for your answers""

Is there any health care ins.that is affordable.

because of my b.p.

Why is car insurance compulsory here in FL?

I own my car. The cheapest car insurance here (only) covers $10k on damages which is called PIP insurance and it is required by law. If the PIP insurance only covers $10k on damages, and I have more than 10k dollars on my bank account why in helllllll do I have to give my hard-earned money to these moth*rfu(kers? Sorry for my temperament but I need a clear explanation on this. If I am willing to give those $10k to my car insurance which is the only that they cover on damages if I crashed, why wouldn't they accept the dial and stop charging me monthly in my whole life? and return me those 10K when I stop driving? Again, I'll explain it easier. I'd give $10k to my car insurance till I crash. 10K is what they only cover. Why would they charge me every month needlessly? I have never crashed in my life. I have never filled a claim, then why would I have to pay my car insurance when they only cover $10k nothing else. ( I have been driving more than 15 years)""

Is this the only way I can get cheaper car insurance at 17?

Have my mam as the main driver on my car and add myself as a driver, my mam has 6 years no claims bonus and i've only just passed my test.""

university of oregon gtf insurance

university of oregon gtf insurance

Do you have health insurance?

if so, How much is it per month? how old are you? what kind of deductable do you have? Feel free to answer also if you do not have insurance.""

Whats the best and affordable health plan to get?

I have never gotten health insurance my whole life and for once in my life I am getting it for myself. I want to go see a dermatologist, and its way too expensive to pay out of pocket, whats a good and affordable health plan should I get? Got any suggestion to where I can go and get some help? Anything will be great, thanks!!!!""

Car insurance policyholder and registered owner?

I am 19, living in Florida. My car is registered in my name. My family keeps all of our cars on one policy. The insurance company is aware that I am the registered owner and I am also listed as the main driver for my car. Does that present any problems liability or insurance law wise?""

Why doesn't car insurance go down every year since I owe less money to the dealer?

Every year my car insurance goes up and I am just 10 months away from paying off my car, I have never had an accident or a claim and been driving for 10 years. I have been with many car insurance companies but they do the same scam after few months.The insurance representatives don't even know why it went up, they just say theirs went too. WHY ISN'T THE GOVERNMENT BEHIND THIS SWINDLERS? It's been going up for the four year, haven't had a relief despite I just owe 4k.""

How is automobile insurance not extortion?

How is automobile insurance not extortion?

How can I get medical insurance?

I been diagnosed with Crohn's disease for a few years now so it's been very difficult trying to get any medical insurance. I was wondering how can I get it without any more problems?

Please Help me to find the cheapest insurance for my car?

Hello, I've baught a car two months ago, but I havn't insured it yet because insurencse is so expenive. I'm trying to find the cheapest deal and I need your experince in that. My car is Honda, accord, year 1999. My age: 23 Single State: Virginia City: Richmond. I'm international student and I don't have social security number I'm not sure if that would make a difference ! I've just got the driving license. I need reliability insurance if this would make a big discount. By the way, my GPA is very good. If you can help me out with agencys phone numbers or any guess about the insurance It will be greatly appreciated Thank you in advance""

Inestment in Gold or Life insurance ?

it is better to invest in gold or invest in life insurance / same amount

How much is car insurance for a 16 year old girl?

My dad is going to get me a car when I turn sixteen. My friend already has a truck and she is sixteen. She pays 8OO$ a year. Does that mean it could be less for me since I will be driving a car and not a truck? Or would it be around the same price? (I go through state farm.)

About car insurance companies (& their rates)........?

Hi, I've got a general question about car insurance companies. Do companies really charge more to insure a 2 door car versus a 4 door car? I understand the whole 2 door=sports car theory, but not every two door is sporty. Does it really make that much difference? For instance, there's a 2001 Chevy Cavalier 2 door in my local newspaper for $2500. Would my parents pay more for insurance coverage on it than if it was a 4 door Cavalier? As far as I know, this one isn't a Z-24--it's just a run-of-the-mill Cavy. Thanks in advance!!! :)""

I got charged with dui however not convicted. when getting insurance do i need to state a dui on there or not?

I recently got a dui. I cancelled my insurance afterward and I'm just about to get done with the 90 day hard suspension. I am getting a hardship licese in a week. Anyways i need to get car insurance. I have a trial in January in which I hope to get a not guilty verdict by the jury. In the meantime when I look at insurance quote questions, it asks of any infractions in last 36 months. Wondering if I need to put down the dui as an infraction or no. (I am innocent untill provin guilty). I dont know if i dont have to put dui down or not since i have not been convicted. If no great, But if yes could you also let me know that if i do have to put dui down and I am found not guilty in court in january, can i take action to get lower payment or money back""

How do I get individual health insurance quotes for North Carolina?

I am currently living in New York State and am considering moving to North Carolina. How do I get individual health insurance quotes while still living in NYS? All the websites ask you to provide a North Carolina address which I do not have yet. Thank you.

What is required for a new resident in England (from Canada) to get car insurance?

Moving to England shortly, and it will be so much easier to find work and move into a new place if we have a car first. What information will we need to get insurance? We will be living with friends, so we could use their address and phone number until we get our own place. But will we need a national insurance number before we can get car insurance? British bank account? We'll be getting those things, but it would be so much easier to have the car first. Basically, what is required for us to provide in order to get a car bought, insured, and on the road? (We'll be paying cash.)""

I'm shopping for Auto Insurance can you help?

Can anyone tell me their experience with GEICO insurance. I'm shopping for auto insurance and they have the better quote so far. I've got quotes from State Farm and Allstate. Thanks...

Whats the best insurance for the self employed?

We need some insurance, but don't have a ton of cash.""

Disability Insurance in Vermont?

Does anyone know if it's legal in the state of Vermont to employee people without disability insurance? I know it's illegal in New York. I'm out of work due to pregnancy complications for 3 weeks or so and I can't collect disability for this or my maternity leave because they said they don't have disability insurance. I called a lawyer, but haven't heard back from them yet. Just curious if anyone knows the answer to this question. Thanks""

For my first car I'm thinking about getting a 1983 Mazda RX-7 but what is the cost of insurance?

I really need to now because I found one cheap....please I need help!

What is the difference between ordinary life insurance and term insurance?

I heard about term insurance whose meaning is not clear to me. Can anybody please explain what is the difference between ordinary life insurance (like those offered by LIC) and a term insurance? What are the advantages and disadvantages of the two?

Does filing a police report increase car insurance?

I filed a police report for a hit and run minor fender bender that I can fix myself. Did I make a mistake filing a police report?

Car Insurance for any Car in USA?

I am a Senior Indian Citizen of 73 with a US Green Card in Parker, Colorado. I have an international driving permit. Can I get a Car insurance for driving any car hired or private?""

How long it takes to find a car before it is considered a loss for insurance purrpose in California?

What is the search time frame for a car to be considered loss for insurance reimbursement in California? I am buying a new car and considering my insurance policy option and also thinking if I truly need a LoJack.

How much is insurance for a 2005 V6 mustang for a 49 year old women?

My mom wants a mustang for her birthday just to drive back in forth to work. What will the insurence cost for her

How much higher is the maintance cost on a BMW vs Ford/Chevy/Dodge?

i want to get a bmw as my first car, i can afford the car, insurance, taxes all that junk but what i dont no about are the service costs? compared to a regular car how much higher will they be.""

Do you think i could get a used car and insurance with under $3k?

i really need a car to get around, i have full time job, n part-time student. It's getting to my nerves that whenever i need to go somewhere, i have to ask my brother or sister to take me. Yes i am a student 18 yo, i don't have much money, and my parents refuse to buy me a car, reason because my mom said insurance is too expensive, and she doesn't give a shitt about me. Do you think i could get it anywhere? i was thinking about buying the car 1st then insurance later on because i can't afford it. idk what should i do?""

Insurance Rates on Cars?

If you happen to know off hand....what would the estimate insurance rate be for any of these cars 2000 Honda S2000 2001-2002 Audi TT 2006 Mitsubishi Eclipse 2008 Ford Mustang 2004-2005 Mazda RX-8 2007 Altima 2.5 Even if you don't have the year....if you know the car thats good enough...The insurance websites are blocked here and i won't be able to check them so any help would be appreciated....

university of oregon gtf insurance

university of oregon gtf insurance

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/any-person-drivers-license-new-jersey-household-must-placed-sharpe-1/"

[kawaiiflowerharmony-blog]

Can I keep my cheap auto insurance without my broker?

When I first switched to my current auto insurance I didn't even realize I was dealing with a broker, and was surprised when they charged me a fee in addition to what I am paying the insurance co. Well I paid it (this was 3 years ago) and now I'm supposed to pay them their fee every year! I'm just wondering if there is a way I can cancel the Broker and still have the insurance? Best answer: Try this site where you can compare quotes: http://cheap-insure.info Related Questions Rescheduling Car Insurance questions any help please? Alright, above all thanks for reading. The problem with me right-now is about rescheduling my auto insurance following this month, I'm thinking. This can be my first time having insurance-but I can not afford the payments because I have been defeated in getting a work. Not only till it's set therefore, that but the automobile can not be pushed again it will always be inside the yard. Used to donot go into anything or an accident but it takes several parts cause they have worn-out. And so I was merely likely to have it cancelled/ whichever that was lapsed while there is no stage if I can't get my car for me personally to have it. I actually donot possess the money at this time to repair it often. I'm contemplating deleting it, waiting till I get my car mounted and then getting some new insurance. But my mama told me that after your insurance extends out in NC you have to bring the labels back... Does that mean once I get another insurance plan as well, I've to pay the entire subscription fee? Or may I somehow simply keep my tags till I get some good new insurance next several months? By the way the automobile will always be till I've enough cash ensure it and to correct it, left." Looking for Car-Insurance Sr22?? Who's best 2 opt for?? I am buying a reliable although cheaper insurance 2 opt for for an SR22. Does anyone have firms? IT is 4 a: 18 & 19-year old Man. In the IL place. Please and thankyou "If your car is not reduced can you not just pay obligation rather than the full coverage motor insurance?" If your car is not paid off could you not only pay liability rather than the full-coverage auto insurance? Since full-coverage car insurance is too much for me to pay for, I am confused, I just desire responsibility on my vehicle? Is there around not investing in full-coverage no way? Individuals who simply have responsibility, is there vehicle repaid and they're not currently making payments?? average car insurance cost for new drivers 'm really young so I don't understand much concerning this form of stuff!" Just how much is car insurance? I am 18 n i need 2 get yourself a vehicle soon. So i wish 2 get a notion of around value i'm investing in my very own insurance. if i get yourself a treatment produced between 1999 d 2005. Thus if any1 has a concept can u please help me out" Do you really need full coverage insurance to get a new bike? 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Long term auto rentals vs pricey car insurance? Therefore about a couple of years before I got hit with a fake DWI in NY (handed breathalyzer test police however lied and said DWI). But that is another story. Presently I ordered a Landrover Disco 2. Geico gave me a nice package @ $1430/6 weeks until the DMV statement ran and noticed my DWI from 24 months ago. Currently my 6-month charge is $3700/6 months. That price is totally rediculous and unmanageable (according to my pockets). Therefore, my problem, must I only do long term car rental? I mean I have a brilliant sweet discount that rivals employees reductions Enterprise Rentals and @ National. I am thinking every 6 months I might only hire to month schedule at under $3700/ over a month. The benefits would be the option to deal it in for any automobile I decide for an entire month as well as fresh year vehicle designs. In addition to the gasoline would be significantly less. 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