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#bc you don't owe them your time or emotional investment
akkpipitphattana · 5 months
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Okay so! I wanted to know your opinion about this because idk what to think.
So in ep10, in the fight scene, Ray is pretty aggresive with Sand and pushes him against the lockers repeatedly (enough to bruise him apparently) and then punches the lockers on Sand's side. Now, when I first saw this I thought this was kinda abusive? maybe that is too strong of a word? maybe just alarming to me but because no one was saying anything I let it go.
Now in this ep, we have the bathtub scene where they acknowledge Ray's temper and the fight and they also acknowledge the bruises Sand had bc of Ray pushing him. and it seems the scene is played for laughs almost? like Sand is like 'haha ow it hurts!' and then Ray is like 'oops sorry ty for putting up with my temper' and it just makes me kinda uncomfortable? imo you can't get physical like this and idk, no one is mentioning it and I feel like I am exaggerating maybe?
I think i am exaggerating but idk it rubs me the wrong way sigh
You can totally ignore this ask if you feel like it's gonna bring too much discourse, thank you for reading and i am sorry if you don't wanna discuss this, it's totally fine if you wanna ignore this, as i said, i get it!
helloooo! so first of all, i don't care about bringing discourse lmao, one thing about me is i will talk about whatever i want, and i think this is actually an incredibly important discussion to have, especially as someone that does strongly want sandray to end up together for a plethora of reasons. and like i can joke about the "i hope they bite each others dicks off" thing all day long and while that is fun, that's not actually what keeps me invested in sandray or makes me root for them. and i absolutely do not think you're exaggerating because i totally get feeling uncomfortable with the way they joked about it and how it was glossed over - everyone has a different relationship with that kind of stuff.
here's my thing. sand and ray have always been aggressive with one another. and yes, when i say that i mean sand AND ray. i was actually talking to antania about this the other day, because even though i'd never seen anything about it, apparently people HAVE been talking about the fact that ray tends to get aggressive with sand. and it's not like i think it's bad to discuss those things because again, it's a good discussion to have - it's just that sand has always been aggressive right back. ray has knocked sand on his ass, but sand did the same thing to ray. the only time sand DIDN'T fight back was in ep10, and that was because at that point, he felt like he deserved it for what he'd done. is that actually true? absolutely not, especially since we know that sand gave the money back. however, it is why he didn't fight back when otherwise we know he would.
and while we can get into whether or not them being aggressive with one another is okay or not, i do think it's important to point out that that's really not their issue. sure, if they continue to get physical with one another whenever they have a fight, that's not good, but neither is a lot of the way that ray has treated sand. which really brings me to my main point - i think while it's not a bad thing to be uncomfortable with the way they brushed over the physical violence, you also have to be uncomfortable with the way every other conflict they've had has been brushed over. because this is really just another thing that ray has done wrong by sand. and this is not a dig at you by any means, nonnie, and people HAVE complained about these things in the past. i do just think it's important to address the fact that way more people have an aversion to physical abuse than they do to emotional abuse when the thing is - they are just as bad as each other. they both leave you with scars, whether mental or physical, and neither of them is good to endure in a relationship.
but i think the important thing to draw from that conversation is that ray not only apologized, but promised to listen next time. does that mean that's definitely what's going to happen? no, not at all. i'm sure he'll have slip ups and continue to fuck up - i mean we already see him going about the boeing situation in probably the worst way possible instead of just talking to sand. the point, though, is that he's trying. ray is in therapy, he's in rehab, he is actively trying to change for sand. and we already see him making great strides! no, not everything's solved, no he's not doing everything perfectly, but he's trying and it takes time. he'll get there.
also, when it comes to them joking about it, i honestly get it. yes, it's a serious thing and not everyone's comfortable joking about that stuff, but for some people that's how they deal with things (speaking from experience here lmao). not to mention, there's not really a whole lot either of them can say in a serious way - ray apologized, he promised to do better, he's actively trying to. why beat a dead horse?
and we can argue about whether or not he deserves the chance that sand's giving him or not, but at the end of the day, it is up to sand, and sand has clearly decided that the love and happiness ray gives him outweighs whatever slip ups ray might take on his way to getting better.
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enchantechante · 6 months
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I love how you're very direct with your responses so I figured I'll ask for your advice.
Yesterday I was talking to my boyfriend and I asked him if he wants to learn about investing and real estate.I'm currently learning about it(after following your blog and seeing people kept writing in about it) I decided to do my own research and saw it's a lot of ways to become wealthy quicker.
He knows I've been studying almost every day about both,joining free webinars, networking etc.He says he's serious about us and knows how I am about finances.I'm currently working on bettering myself,losing weight and getting my stuff together. He's older than me(45) and works a regular 9-5 blue collar job,doesn't own a credit card or anything. He says he prefers having a debit card because credit cards aren't that serious and I try to teach him about building credit etc.
My thing is...he is a good person and treats me right...but I don't want to work for someone all of my life. He knows that.I feel like anon with the student loans,that's the only reason I'm working as a caregiver right now so I can pay off my student loans before I start investing and slowly getting into real estate.
He has the mindset of having a lot of money doesn't matter and it's all about the way you treat people. I agree to a degree but I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I am tired and drained working 12 hour shifts,messing up my body for $15 an hour. I want to be successful. I want more time for me. I want to travel the world. It just sucks that I know I might have to leave him during the process. We can be friends for sure but for now on I'm putting myself and my wants and needs first. I feel like if I don't I'll forever be running a rat race and I know I won't win,Tae. My mental has been a mess lately due to work and stressing over money for my student loans and taking care of my parents.
When I talk to him and he continues to refuse to learn about investing or real estate I just start thinking,do you think this is a game? I will leave you if you're not going to grow. I only have this one life and I have to make something of myself. I owe it to myself and honestly I'm just tired of crying all night and being pissed off with my life when I know I can change some things around.
Morning, Anon!
You know how I feel 🙃:
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lol but before we're too hasty ✋🏾
have you explicitly told him you want xyz in a "husband"?
Does he know you aspire to a long term relationship with someone with more vision + work ethic towards that?
If so, leaving him shouldn't come as a shocker.
With any new role, it's best to vocalize your goals early and consistently. Make them known and follow up with the actions to match.
A lot of boyfriends feel like they can drag their mediocre bofriend-dom to infinity and beyond & act shocked that they didn't cut the mustard eventually.
Either they can meet the expectations or they can't. 💁🏽‍♀️ Either you're happy or nah.
He doesn't have to do exactly what you do as you do it. But he doesn't seem invested in the same financial goals as you. Or in his role supporting you along the way. Which I agree is a 🚩
His response when you explicitly state what you want long term will be telling. See his actions for what they are at that pt. Resist the urge to "assign" him a task.
He may do nothing and ignore you. He may ask you how it's going and start to schedule dates around your study time. He may open up about personal investing curiosities of his own.
Let him react to your standard organically. And look at his reaction soberly and patiently. Over a few weeks ask yourself, "If this continues for another 5 years or even in a more committed relationship - will I have what I need in a partner?"
And leave if nothing comes of this talk. Even if there is a little something but not enough for you.
I'm not even sure if theres enough evidence to suggest he would even be a good "friend" to you at this time. He may just be a slow leaking emotional energy drain bc he's not supportive, so much is pulling on you already and you feel it weighing down your momentum.
Always hoping for the v best for you, Anon 🙏🏽✨
-tae
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cheekblush · 3 years
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if you dont mind me asking, (if you do mind, you don't have to answer!) how do you deal or cope with not being sure about yourself especially with the pressure of being in an immigrant family and ending up having to take an unconventional route of life compared to the one they wanted for you/want to live through you sort of ?.... i've been feeling my family's projection of their insecurities which i understand but it's so emotionally exhausting for me i'm having a weird time mannnn sometimes i feel like i should just give in to their requests of career routes they want me to take but it makes me want to kermit soupcider lolll
oh boy... where do i even begin.. this is a topic that is very personal to me and triggers a lot of emotions but i'll try to reply to the best of my abilities. i already know this will get way too long so i'll put it under a read more..
firstly of course - hello dear! 🌸  i'm sorry to hear that your family is projecting their insecurities on you and is pressuring you to choose a career path that is not to your liking (smth very common in immigrant families i believe unfortunately 🙃) right off the bet my advice is to not just give in to their requests in order to please them! you should really take some time for yourself to think what it is you're genuinely interested in and passionate about and try to pursue a career that you can actually imagine yourself working in for the majority of your life - much easier said than done i know. but if the mere thought of taking on the career paths your family is suggesting brings you so much discomfort then imagine how much more miserable you'll be actually pursuing those careers just to make them happy! as difficult as it is, sometimes your own wellbeing and happiness should be your priority bc at the end of the day this is YOUR life and you have to be content with it. and sadly we live in a society where a job makes out a huge portion of our lives, so it only makes sense to pursue one that actually brings you some kind of joy or at least doesn't make you want to "kermit soupcider" (i should start using this shahajka) as you pointed out yourself. so please take your own interests into consideration and what you want out of life in general - maybe a prestigious career is just not what you desire and that's okay! and don't neglect or compromise your own happiness for your family's sake! your decision will most likely not be met with excitement or support but again this is your life and you are responsible for your own happiness 💛
as to how i deal with my family's projections on and expectations of me... i honestly don't even know.. i think i've just gotten used to being a disappointment to them at this point (sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.. i don't really have good coping mechanisms to offer 😔) there is just so much guilt and shame in letting them down and not living up to their expectations. in my case it's even worse bc on top of not pursuing the career they wanted me to, i am no longer pursuing the career path i chose myself either bc it impaired both my mental and physical health severely. and i'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that something i worked so hard and long for and that my parents invested a lot of money in essentially didn't work out.. and that's a huge burden i carry around all of the time (tbh i need therapy just for this issue 🤡) so on top of going against their wishes, i failed to successfully pursue my chosen career and ultimately am left with nothing.. no respectable job, no income and i have to restart at square 0. so you can probably imagine the guilt, shame, embarrassment and humiliation i feel constantly... and i think with immigrant families especially there is even more guilt bc your parents made so many sacrifices in order to provide you with a better life so it always feels like you owe them something.. like you need to earn your right to simply live and be... like you need to prove your worthiness bc you need to pay them back for all the sacrifices they've made. like you need to show them it wasn't in vain and that you can provide for them. this actually reminds me of this screenshot from this post :
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(i go more in depth about my personal situation in the tags of that post in case you're interested or might relate)
i think that's what hurts me the most bc i so desperately wanted to prove that i'm worth it. i so desperately wanted to be able to provide for them, to take care of them, to give them everything they deserve and need and it's so heartbreaking to realize and accept that i won't be able to do that... and if i would've pursued my career further, worked myself to the ground, neglected my own wellbeing and health even further i might've been able to do that. i probably would've gotten a well paid job at some point but at the cost of my own health and wellbeing. and would that be worth it? as guilty as i feel for letting them down and as disappointed as i am in myself, ultimately i did what was best for my own wellbeing. and that's what i suggest you should do as well. as selfish as thay may sound, we do not need to own our right to live even if our parents did make a lot of sacrifices for us (this reminds me of another great post ) obviously i do not know what relationship you have with your family or your dynamics and i don't want to discuss mine further as i've already overshared waaaaay too much 🙃 but we need to put our own needs and wishes first sometimes without beating ourselves up and blaming ourselves - again easier said than done bc i still frequently blame myself and just feel crushing guilt but we have to forgive ourselves very, very, very frequently! and i realize that our situations aren't entirely similar as you are still in the midst of choosing a career path and i already did and unfortunately it didn't work out as planned (but that's life.. also smth i'm trying to come to terms with) but i hope that this (way too lengthy) reply is at least a little helpful or reassuring for you. this probably isn't the reply you were hoping for... i'm sorry i can't provide you with any concrete suggestions or advice on how to cope with your family's demands while being insecure about yourself and your life bc i pretty much still deal with the exact same thing and it's still affecting me very much and causing me a lot of distress. but i do believe the key is to unapologetically create the life you want despite your family's objections, discard all guilt and shame, forgive yourself often and accept things for what they are, especially if you can't change/control them. once again much easier said than done (i know i keep repeating myself please bear with me 😭) but that's what i'm trying to live by as of now and i hope it helps you somehow 💌
finally, i wish you the very best for all your future endeavors and sincerely hope that you receive your family's support even if you choose a path that they are not thrilled with. i hope you have the strength to forgive yourself when faced with failure and that you'll be able to abandon any shame or guilt that might arise. most of all i wish you an abundance of happiness, serenity, prosperity, love, health and peace of mind 🤍🕊🎐 take care of yourself and don't be afraid to put yourself first! may the remaining year treat you gently and bring many blessings your way 💗🌟🦋🍀🥠🧿🏮
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