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#bc this is almost certainly An Autistic Thing
love-toxin · 1 year
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As someone who is on both the ADHD and autism spectrums, but wishes to remain anonymous....
Would the fruity four still... like me? Even if I'm weird and stim with my hands? Or if I say weird things and curse creatively? It's been a massive self esteem battle for me, because both of the people that I dated previously left me when I confided in them that I was on both the ADHD and autism spectrums....
first of all, im so sorry that happened my love! nobody deserves that, especially not such a sweet person <3 ty for sending me this ask not only bc you're giving me a reason to self-indulgently write about the fruity four with an autistic angel, but also bc!!! we're really alike!!! i love knowing there's somebody i can relate to out there 🥺🥺
I'll start off by saying; yes, of course! The fruity four are strong personalities and people, they have a bond with you that couldn't be broken by something like that, because it's part of what makes you you–and that's exactly what they love! The very thought of giving up on their true love because of a label is just bonkers, it makes no sense and they would be echoing that to you whenever you feel insecure about it. Also, let it be known that I'm totally on the train of headcanoning both Eddie and Robin as being on the spectrum. I like to think Eddie's stronger on the autistic side, whereas Robin is more adhd with her social skills being more pronouncedly autistic. So with this in mind, I think they'd already be very sensitive to whatever your personal experiences are on either spectrum! And they can relate to you inherently a lot better than most people, including both Nancy and Steve.
Not to say that those two are oblivious or apathetic, however, because they certainly are not! They just don't have the same experiences to empathize with you, so they've gotta put a little more work in to help themselves understand how you operate. Your boundaries are a relatively easy thing to start off with; they're something they've probably already gone over, just not as in-depth as they're used to. You might sit there shy and a little teary-eyed even, worrying yourself to death that they're going to laugh at you or make fun of the things that you say you need or that bother you, but Nancy and Steve will be so patient in listening and Robin and Eddie will encourage you to say everything that comes to mind. Your shared space is always a safe space, there's no fear of abandonment or rejection that you need to worry about here, and they'll do as much reassuring as it takes until you really feel comfortable and secure in knowing that. No moment of irritation or frustration or any meltdown will scare them away, no matter how big it gets. And they'll never think of you as childish for anything that you do or anything you get upset about.
Nancy's probably one of the easiest people to confide in about being on the spectrum, as a person who isn't perceivably on it herself. Even though she doesn't experience life in the same way you do, she's a fantastic listener and she treats your explanations and understanding your neurodivergency almost like a hobby in itself. When you mention some term or new behavior that you can't put a name to, she's off to the library to research anything and everything that has to do with autism and adhd–and soon she's the one coming to you not just with questions, but new information she picked up and surveys she wants to do to compare your personal experience to the studies she reads, to see if what's been published is accurate to the real-life experience. And you can damn well bet she's committing a bit of library graffiti in her chosen books if she comes across insensitive articles or tampered studies, or really anything that suggests that autism is some kind of disease or that it's a walking death sentence to any poor parent that finds their child is diagnosed with. She'll scratch out those horrid comments and outright false statements and write the corrections in the margins so long as she has the evidence, to the point that she pouts when she gets banned from borrowing any books for a month when she gets caught. "It was worth it," she insists, more concerned with getting the truth out there than being lectured by the crotchety old librarian–and you can bet she'll stand by her opinions even in public, even with strangers and ill-mannered people, because knowing you feel safe and wanted matters more to her than smiling and nodding along.
The only one that might be put off is Steve, but not in a bad way, and only at first. He's not as used to the way you and Eddie socialize, primarily because he's grown up and has gotten adjusted to the ways that neurotypical kids interact with each other. The way he carries himself and how he speaks to people is what he thinks is normal, so while he sees bluntness or awkward wording or seemingly oblivious social cues as abnormal, he doesn't think it's a bad thing at all. Clearly by the way he and Eddie exchanged conversation when they first met, he's more endeared by it than anything else, even though it takes him more time to understand it. He's used to picking between the lines of conversation to pick up cues and body language of whatever the other person isn't saying out loud, but luckily he's quick to realize that you don't necessarily speak the same way, and he just has to listen to you to know what you're trying to say. And once he learns about masking and sees you slowly become more comfortable with not doing it around him, he gets soooooo excited because he really feels like you're bonding, then, and that you trust him enough to stim or chatter on around him!
And with Eddie and Robin? They're so tuned in it's honestly hilarious. Eddie's constantly on the hunt for things he knows are part of your special interests–he finds little pieces of merch from bands or shows or movies you like, or things that are your favourite colour that he thinks you'll like. And he knows what your favourite animals are and what fabrics and textures you like, and pretty much anything and everything that has to do with your interests is noted down so he can use the information to his advantage. Robin's the same way, although you and her can talk for hours about the things you're passionate about, to the point that you both might forget to eat or sleep until exhaustion finally takes over, and you pass out in her bed or on the couch together.
Also, stimming? It's a normal thing in the household, and they will absolutely make sure that you feel like it's normal. Eddie tugs on his hair and plays with his watch, flaps his hands, claps, cracks his knuckles–and Robin has a few vocal stims like humming or making other little sounds through her teeth, aside from spinning her rings around and sometimes pacing around in circles with music or a movie on in the background. If you're restless and you move around a lot while they're cuddling with you, they get used to it quickly, and if you have days where you just absolutely do not want to be touched, they know that it's not personal and don't get offended if that goes on for awhile. It's the nice thing about having multiple partners, none of you really need to worry about feeling lonely or not having someone to confide in when someone isn't able to.
It's just a good time all around, really. They love you, you make them happy, and there's too much bad in this world for them to toss aside someone that really cares for them. Besides, how different are you from them, really? Each of them have things to deal with that frustrate them sometimes, or make them feel like they're a burden themselves. It's just a matter of accepting it, coping with it, and moving along, and letting the cycle repeat as many times as it needs to to let you enjoy life with the people you love.
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wolfwillowisp · 7 months
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Honestly my gender situation is so weird and it’s almost certainly bc of the whole autistic nonhuman thing. I’m cisgender because I identify with my assigned gender: female. But like here’s the thing. It’s female. Not Woman. I’m not a Woman but I am female and that’s why I’m not comfortable calling myself trans or non-binary because I’m just not! Saying that would be flat out untrue! and I’m not like a Demi girl either like. I’m female, im a female my gender is female. If you gave me a checkbox that said gender - and made me pick between Male, Female, And Other(via fill in the blank of course), I’d pick female every single time but if it said Man, Woman, Other, I’d check other and write in female. But like you can’t do that because nobody fucking understands that those are two completely different things like ok hold on let me try and explain. Being a Man or a Woman requires some level of human societal interaction and expectation. And those things are cultural and not found outside the species: but male and female are completely different. Even in species people think of as having specific gendered roles, like lions , those are often broken. Female is something you are. Woman is a role you play because you are a female human does any of this make sense?? I’m not fucking human so I’m not a woman like the fucking. T. rex from Jurassic Park that’s not a woman it’s a female animal. I’m female but I’m not a woman, I’m a hen, a she-dragon, a dragoness. So yeah. Cisgender animal not cisgender human I think anyways this is inspired by a furry porn video essay where the trans female essayist basically says I’m not a human I’m a dog and saying otherwise is like misgendering me anyways oooooughhhh you want to listen to her music so bad you are going to look up Wavetable by Patricia Taxxon and you are going to like it so much do you hear me young man. Anyways yeag I’m cis female but I’m not a Woman. I’m a hen/dragoness/she-dragon. I probably should have used the time I spent here starting to draft my trigun S/A allegory essay but eeeeeeeeeh Whatever at least I got you to listen to Wavetable. You did listen to Wavetable right?
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Thanks so much for clarifying! I very much didn't want to push any boundaries 💜
- My choice of ship is for sure Baldur's Gate 3. (Only request: plz NOT Raphael, Mizora, or Minthara - one is legit a trauma trigger, the other two are... Reasons.)
- Gender: any and all, I'm too bi for choices
- Personality: I'm autistic, and my mood is consistently more changeable than I think it is... dunno if Sag/Leo/Cap means anything to you (it's cool if it doesn't), but it does to me in the sense that I can see what it means in myself. I'm thoroughly Chaotic Good according to every alignment description I've seen (and all my friends lol). Still a dingus who frequently courts red flags for reasons I can only identify as Traumas lmao.) I'm very mentally scattered. Burnt-out gifted kid who immediately chose to gradually swap my waning INT for WIS, inasmuch as I could. A soul who intensely wants to help everyone I care about, but can't for all sorts of reasons, but dammit do I try anyway. Fiery, feisty, but still learning to actually be assertive. Cuddly with anyone and everyone who is interested. I love radically with all my heart, be ye friend or partner, but breaking it means I'm either a sobbing broken mess, planning a murder, or both. Please don't let these taint the results bc they're still options: I honestly believe and have been told by others that I'm a perfect mix between Karlach and Astarion, personality-wise. I'm down bad for just about all the tieflings in the game/in general (I relate to them a lot), and almost always play one, but all races are welcome in my heart. I don't really draw lines between close friend and partner; I believe closeness and intimacy aren't things that should be constricted at all between one or the other (there is literally a group chat saved in my phone called "Platonicule," if that gives you an idea 😂). Generally amiable to, but wary of, strangers. Hobbies: I make homemade skincare and balms for the homies, cooking, and everything about music and linguistics. I'd also love to try my hand at ceramics/pottery someday. (Also I don't know where to put this, but definitely high sex drive, kinky, and switch/vers but usually end up sub/bottom? Which I'm not conflating, just that's usually how it plays out. Sorry that all was... A Lot lmao, I'm also overly specific/dunno when to shut up. 😅)
- I ship you with Aziraphale from Good Omens! He seems like he'd be absolutely elated to help you finish your writings, and even go out of his way to find a good publisher for your book (and maaaaaybe do a teensy little miracle to tip the scales in favor of them accepting it, if the situation called for it). Fastidious, fashionable, would be as sweet to you as you to him, and would be quite happy with letting you have your alone time (he needs it too lbr.) Also if he's not at least on the ace spectrum himself (he totally is tho), he certainly would never make unwanted advances. Plus, I mean, living in a cozy bookshop that your partner keeps clean, organized, and cute as fuck? Idk that sounds like a dream. You could chat for hours and hours about history if you so chose (and his hilariously unique perspective on it since he's seen most/all of it.) Honestly I also now can't stop thinking of a Movie Night with you two and Crowley that goes a little chaotic because Crowley has a very different and probably intentionally contrarian analysis and keeps getting half-jokingly offended when either or both of you have different opinions. There may be thrown popcorn. 😂
I ship you with Gale
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Your relationship can bested be summed up in burnt out autistic "gifted" kid solidarity, in the best way possible.
You and Gale are in a constant loop of affirming your love for each other it makes the pair of you nearly impossible to be around. You info dump, you cuddle, you cook, you are just able to be, together.
Gale is also very deceptive in his chaotic good tendencies. While it may look like you're the one doing something crazy, Gale only makes a meager attempt at protest before following after and justifying your actions later. He does, however, bring some of your ideas and scattered thoughts into a sure focus, allowing you to accomplish what you actually set out to do instead of leaving it all in your head. You, meanwhile, help remind him that wisdom is sometimes more important than intelligence.
He's fully supportive of all your areas of study, even putting aside space in the tower for you to practice pottery. Just make sure to save a few pieces for him to admire and he'll be happy.
And as for the sex, let's just say for all Astarion can talk the talk, Gale walks the walk with avid enthusiasm. (He's the horniest mother fucker in the squad, fight me)
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I'd honestly be nervous about making Crowley jealous somehow, but if all three of us can be besties, I'm down. Lol
6k Follower Celebration (requests are still open)
(5/30)
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syntymatitahna · 4 months
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i… literally just learned about the existence of "transautistic"
so assuming this isn't just a transphobic troll scheme...
if using chewelry or communication cards brings you comfort just?? do it?? if you feel you are or should be autistic just??? be autistic then??!!?!!! so what if you don't have the strongest textbook symptoms, you almost certainly are some variety of neurodivergent at least. (maybe consider identifying as neurodivergent rather than autistic if unsure)
besides, it's not like anyone selling assistive tools is gonna be mad about extra sales. it's a common topic in disability circles that it's generally a net positive when assistive tools and shit become normalised, bc more demand leads to more supply.
whether you're autistic or not, you can just buy the things you want, use the coping mechanisms, whatever helps you. you don't need the damn dx to be allowed.
... just maybe don't appropriate trans terminology while at it, lol.
as for the dx'd autistics outrageposting and maybe even bullying these transautistics... seems kinda cringe. either you're giving trolls the attention and outrage they want -> being their lolcow. or you're being mean to misguided fellow neurodivergents. so like. chill. leave them to their own merit.
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brandnewhuman · 1 year
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Hi! I can't remember if I've requested a matchup from you before. If I have, you can just ignore me. But if not can I request a slasher matchup please.
I'm an INTP 5w6, demisexual/bi woman. I'm plus sized and 5'9" with 2b hair that is naturally dark/dirty blonde but it's currently dyed deep purple.
I am slightly nearsighted and have glasses, though I tend to forget to wear them. Sometimes "losing" them on my own head.
I have very low self-esteem and a self deprecating, dark and offbeat sense of humor.
I manage to be both touch adverse and touch starved. I have to know and trust someone enough to be comfortable with physical touch. Minor things like a handshake don't typically bother me though, unless I get bad vibes off the other person.
Due to being raised by an entire family of narcissists, whenever I tried to speak they'd interrupt me or complain about me talking too much or too loudly. So I'm usually pretty silent unless you can get me started on something I'm passionate about.
Most of the time when I do speak, my words get muddled up. I especially struggle with words that have R in the middle of them.
I frequently get lost in daydreams. I'm autistic.
If I get hyperfocused on something, I'll go the entire day without remembering to eat or drink anything.
That being said, one of my stims is eating. Particularly foods I call hand to mouth like grapes or m&ms. Which is how I got to be plus sized, though my hypothyroidism certainly doesn't help. So I try to keep myself, particularly my hands, busy.
I like to craft things and bake.
I love going to scare attractions especially the ones that let your opt out of being touched.
I cannot stand the feeling of water on my forearms/elbows. Or when the ends of my sleeves & ends of pants legs get wet.
I'm very clumsy, frequently tripping over my own furniture. (and feet) I will always have at least one bruise on my body and there's less than 50% chance I can tell you how I got it.
I enjoy thinking about theoretical concepts and I tend to be flexible and good at thinking "outside of the box."
I'm very much conflict averse but will jump into a confrontation if someone is messing with someone I care about. Or if my anxiety causes me to snap.
For a lot of things it's rare for me to have actual favorites. One day I may prefer ethereal wave music and the next I'll be more in the mood for 80s rock. I usually have a top 3, 5 or 10 but no absolute favorites. And this goes for all sorts of things, food, movies etc.
My 'fashion' sense is somewhere between Green Academia and Feralcore.
I adore animals, especially the kinds that are less liked by society. Possums, snakes etc. Though I also love cats and currently have a cat. I would have more if I could. I handraised him, bottlefed him after rescuing him. He's 10, spoiled rotten and I defy anyone to tell me he isn't my child.
I struggle with driving cars but motorcycles or scooters, I can drive like a bat out of hell.
I paired you up with...
♡ Corey Cunningham ♡
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Look, i even search up for his mbti AND ITS THE SAME AS YOURS SO ITS MEANT TO BE.
Hated by many, loved by few our infamous peepaw bully is definitely the type of person for you. He's just so sweet ans awkward and dudhsjsjsj LOOK AT HIS STUPID ADORABLE FACE
He would either be good at reminding you to wear your glasses or not. Like I personally have to wear glasses all the time so i tend to forget i have them on, its almost like a natural thing for me so i just assume it is the same for everyone. Corey here got the glasses=loser no glasses=hot and evil treatment so idk idk. I do think he will try his best to help you keep your eyesight as healthy as possible.
Bc of the physical touch thing i was actually about to give you Michael but i thought it wouldn't really be that helpful to your cause. Corey is shy and definitely wants to avoid people feeling uncomfortable around him, like he's sick of it fr. So unless you don't permission he's not going to do anything on his own. Plus like i said, he's too shy to be that bold so yeah. And he can relate to what you feel about physical touch cause ever since the incident, all that harassment and physical aggression has left him quite stiff about getting touched in general.
He would be mildly concern about your self-deprecating jokes and wouldn't really know if he should laugh or not. Like he genuinely doesn't understand why would say such things about yourself cause it makes him kind of sad since he thinks you're the best person in the entire world. Like he gets that one can be self-conscious about the looks and would try to help you with that cause he genuinely finds you so beautiful, but if you talk negatively about yourself in terms of personality ecc he would be very confused and kind of hurt for you. You're so nice and wholesome in his eyes
He would never, ever, interrupt you while you're talking. In fact he much prefers to listen to you while you talk about your favourite things, he finds so lovely you trust him enough to share with him your interests. He knows how it feels to be talked over so he would never dream of doing that to you specially if you're talking about something you love.
(Btw if it makes you feel better about the r thing i too have a problem to pronounce words with too many s's.)
Bro knows how is it when you get lost in something for so long you even forget to basic human necessities so he's always there to bring you snacks or water if you need it or to remind you to take breaks. Maybe he tries to not just straight up tell you to stop doing what you're doing but he like tells you to talk about it with him so you can actually take a break and he gets to hear you talk.
Please teach him how to bake, he would love to spend time baking with you. And in exchange, since you like crafting ecc, he can teach you things about cars and show you how to fix some things.
If you're clumsy this man is worse. Lucky for you, if you two are together and he sees you're about to get hurt on time he will 100% catch you before you do it. Hurting himself in process but who cares, you're safe so that's all that matters broski
I really think that you being able to be open minded is something corey would appreciate so much. He would need someone who can understand him and what has happened to him and on top of that someone to talk with without being scared of coming off as weird. He's that type of guy who really enjoys deep convos and having dialogues with someone he likes about interesting things and concepts so yeah expect late night chats with him about random and philosophical things
PROTECT THE BOY, I REPEAT PROTECT THE BOY. he kinda the same as you when it comes to conflict, like in the movie he had no problem in standing up for Allison so he will 100% do that with you as well. He may not be the best at defending himself but he wont tolerate people bothering you
Maybe both of you being indecisive about things might be a problem but the way i see it maybe it would help him getting the confidence to choose when and what he wants to do for once. He is a very thoughtful guy so he will always keep in mind what you might appreciate when suggesting things to eat, do ecc
BRO HE LOVES CATS, HE LOVES ANY ANIMAL AND WILL 100% PET ANYTHING THAT LOOKS REMOTELY CUTE TO HIM. He will spoil your cat too at some point so be prepared
Good thing you like motorcycles cause that's all this babe drives all the time. Gives him that hint of badboy he wouldn't be able to pull otherwise. Will definitely trust you to drive anything his and if you're the type of person who likes adrenaline rushes then good news for you cause I genuinely think he loves them too. Like from time to time just for funsies and to blow some steam off when he's too stressed
I hope you like it broski, i know corey is not super loved ecc but i tried my best to show you all his likeable sides ^^
Song recommendation time!!
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Honey you are not a monster, you are a neurodivergent woman whose issues are almost certainly much worse bc of the abuse you face. Your parents are both selfish assholes who make no attempts at making your life at least not actively suck. Meltdowns, anxieties and suchlike are frustrating yeah but if you actually give a shit about the person experiencing it, you realize that they themselves are suffering more and don't act like an emotionally stunted fuckwad about it.
Man, these people do not deserve to even know you.
🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
I do agree with you though.
It's very hard to get support where i live because neurodivergent people, especially autistic people are highly stigmatized here and still not completely understood. And especially when it's self diagnosed and I'm in my mid 20s, this is such an unfortunate mix that makes things even harder.
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elytrafemme · 2 years
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Good morning mare!
Im so confused on my own nuerodivergantcy istg, like sometimes I just like not talking, and I just communicate nonverbally and vibe with people without having to speak, but the internet has told me that all the conditions to go non-verbal are either stress induced or based on a lack of comfort. Meanwhile I just like to be quiet sometimes and talking sometimes tires me out so- WHAT THE HELL AM I???
The same thing goes for stimming cuz like sometimes I just like to squeak or make meow noises and one of my irls was like "yeah that's vocal stimming" which confused because so many people have said stimming is an unconscious thing and I actively chose to do that cuz I like to!
Regardless I do be struggling, but hey, at least it's almost Cough Syrup Tuesday 😌
hope it's okay if i give you some casual friend to friend advice, but tbh you know yourself better than the internet knows you, and if being non-verbal is a stress response for some people, but for you it's just a way to be less tired, then that's that, y'know? ultimately i think the minutia of why every single thing happens, while helpful to figure out, isn't worth any potential imposter's syndrome of "am I actually doing an nd thing if it's Different to what other nd people do?"
and for what it's worth, while sometimes i stim sort of unconsciously, a lot of the time i do stim purposefully as a way to get my energy out. like for me a lot of the stims i do when upset are unconscious, and my hand flapping stims are unconscious, but i do choose to squeak when i do 90% of the time because it's a way to get my happiness out. sometimes it's unintentional, but a lot of the time i choose to do it (even if it gets harder to stop after i've started). i also used to vibrate as a stim (aka tense my body up til it started shaking, maybe not great for my muscles but hey i was 7) and that was chosen too
so i dunno, neurodivergency is weird but ultimately your experiences may not match the experiences of other people but that still doesn't make it, like, any less valid. y'know? also i do the quiet thing too, i go semi non-verbal sometimes when overstimulated or fatigued but sometimes i am just like. nah fuck talking i would like it if i made like ariel and never spoke again and just like squawked at people. tis a thing
sorry if this is like semi rambly there's a fucking woodpecker outside and i kept getting distracted but yeah idk those are my thoughts on that. i've kind of given up a bit on shoving my neurodivergency into a label bc i am most certainly neurodivergent and it's very likely that i'm autistic just by the everything about me but i haven't gotten any kind of like, confirmation from a professional, and i don't think i ever will. so i'm just vibing truly
so fucking true i need to work on the chapt today god bless <3 hope u have a good day friend!
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praublem-child · 26 days
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I know this isn't my fandom blog, but it is my main blog and I've been talking about Bubble for a paper I'm writing in my abnormal psych class, so I'm just gonna post this here.
Normally I don't like to hype Netflix movies because I think Netflix is a fairly predatory streaming service (they all are really, but still), and their movies and shows often get cut off before they can really get going, but holy shit this one was good.
I don't normally watch movies and stuff because I like to stick with my current hyperfixations, but because I'm writing this paper I ended up picking it after finding myself in a reddit hole after searching for "animated autism movies". I'm not entire convinced that the characters are autistic, but I certainly related to them more than I do most characters.
Hibiki has confirmed sound hypersensitivity. He was taken to a lot of doctors as a child to figure out why, we even got an MRI scene where he was visibly flinching from the noises. He got overwhelmed easily by the sounds of the city, and we have a few scenes where we see his mother progressively lose hope and eventually she drops him in what looks to be a special education class. Throughout the movie we see him being very protective over his headphones and wincing at multiple sounds, showing an obvious disinterest in socialization, and he has a grand total of two interests that we see, both of which he seems incredibly good at. Hibiki is also awkward around socialization, hyperaware of his surroundings, and I noticed a general lack of emotions and empathy compared to his teammates. It wasn't completely gone, but it was noticeable if you were looking (I was looking bc of this paper).
The other main character is named Uta, who isn't actually a human at all. I never actually figured out what she is? She's like,, literally a bubble. But also not? Anyway, aside from the movie's main problem not making almost any sense, Uta is nonspeaking for the first part of the film, and only speaks in simple words and references to the little mermaid which she read early on. Both her and Hibiki seem to connect in ways that neither could with any of the other members on the team. I'm not gonna give spoilers that I don't think are relevant to this autism thing, but there's probably several reasons outside of that. Regardless, it made sense to me that if they were both autistic they'd be closer to each other despite barely knowing each other. I know I've always found it easier to connect and communicate with other autistic individuals in my life.
Uta also has some fairly weird mannerisms and very clearly doesn't understand social cues. This makes sense given the fact that she's literally not human, but I couldn't help but draw parallels between her behaviors and how I acted as a kid (re: like a feral cat).
Now I know I didn't talk about everything in the movie, I'm like three hours past when I should have gone to bed and I need to save some of this brain power for the actual paper, but if anyone actually reads this post please go watch Bubble on Netflix. It makes no sense, I still barely understand what was going on in the movie, but it was so pretty to look at and the main characters are autistic coded at the very least. The music is also going to be stuck in my head for weeks.
Anyway. (not so) Mini rant over, time to sleep and try not to hyperfixate for the next week on this movie. It's already like two years old and had barely anything about it online, so I seriously doubt I'd be able to find a solid amount of fanfiction to fuel me if that happened. /hj
Trailer (the english dub is rlly good btw): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pbWblLkHHk
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celiaelise · 1 month
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Y'all I am genuinely struggling with the role I just started rehearsing, (though struggling in, like, a good, enriching, way) because my character is just so different than me!!
Not only is she straight, she's also in love with a man she doesn't really know that well, who can't remember most of his past. She's clearly a hopeless romantic, with many bad relationships in her past, but always willing to try again.
And, the hardest part for me, is that she is very jealous and defensive about her relationship. Like, another woman shows up who might have clues about the man's past, and my character gets so hostile, so quickly. Even though she is usually kind and helpful and assumes the best in people, that doesn't apply when she feels her relationship is threatened! And she also gets very, very upset when it's even implied that she might be lying to or withholding information from her boyfriend.
I guess I'm trying to say that she's the kind of woman for whom her man comes before most other things, which is a mindset I've always struggled to understand.
(For anyone just tuning in, I am a lesbian with trust issues who has never been in a relationship. Or, like, even kissed anyone when not playing a character.)
Other ways she's very different from me are: she's a single mother of two toddlers. She works in food service, which I could absolutely never handle, and in the family business, no less! She's very...excitable? And, like, expressive, I guess. Very confident in conversation; almost certainly not autistic. She has a history of alcoholism. (I have never even had an entire drink, mostly bc I think it tastes bad.)
idk! I am excited to meet this challenge, but also a little nervous about my ability! I feel like I need to do research on how to be this kind of person, though I recognize, that, like, statistically speaking, she's much more "normal" than I am.
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troglobite · 1 year
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late night “staring into a bathroom mirror while i take care of my hives and brush my teeth” thoughts
fatness is basically a disability under the social model of disability but not the medical one
i’m sure something like that has been said or posited before, but i am a lowly piece of shit who has not Done My Reading on everything, so y’know
also thinking a lot abt how ppl talk abt fatness around me
how i didn’t worry abt being fat until my mom projected her insecurities onto me and then being anxious and terrible at socializing i picked them up even more
and also when kids harassed me for being fat and ugly all the time 
and how my thin friend in france who’s back w her abusive ex and didn’t tell me and won’t have a normal conversation w me and who i can barely stand to talk to anymore so i’m just. Avoiding That. bc we’d go months without talking for years before this and it only changed bc of her abusive ex.
ANYWAY 
her
when we were in middle school she’d insist i wasn’t fat
bc that’s a Bad Thing, right? and she can’t admit that her best friend has something Wrong With Them! that’d be terrible!
and now she’s obsessed w fitness and feels bad for eating “too many” carbs when clearly her body handles them just fucking fine and she LOVES food and is so passionate
and she tries so carefully to not say fatphobic things in front of me about how much she eats, but the fact that she’s self-conscious abt it at all belies the fact that she is deeply fatphobic
not in a cruel way. in a truly phobic way. 
i’ve said this before but she went on her daily runs while so sick she could barely function. 
ANYWAY.
point being.
i need people to not spout fatphobic bullshit around me about themselves.
it’s part and parcel with the whole thing of “stop saying self-deprecating shit about yourself. you’re making someone who loves you forced into the position of Disagreeing With You or Insulting You, neither of which they want to do. it’s mean.” and also “stop insulting famous people for physical attributes, bc they’ll almost certainly never see it but all of your friends with those physical attributes WILL see it and be hurt by it.”
same thing
eradicate fatphobia from your life as much as fucking possible
food is not a disease
eating is not a disease
being fat is not a disease
and for the record, diseases ARE NOT A MORAL FAILING.
SO EVEN IF THEY ARE (WHICH THEY FUCKING AREN’T) THAT WOULD BE FINE
fatness is not a moral failing
it is not a failure that needs to be fixed
it is not a bad or ugly thing
it just IS
some people are just fat! everyone’s weight fluctuates ALL THE TIME! it’s NORMAL and FINE!
and fat people apparently live longer when we don’t have doctors trying to kill and starve us or missing severe medical issues bc they just kept recommending diet and exercise
restricting your food intake and what types of food you eat will basically never help your health. ever.
adding in extra foods that your body needs WILL help.
allowing yourself to enjoy foods without guilt WILL help. 
even i, master of being Too Autistic to commit to highly disordered eating and Incapable of ignoring what my body wants re: food and most other things, will occasionally feel that sinking pit of fear and despair of eating the “wrong” thing and how they’ll “add up” and having to reassure myself that i also eat “good” foods.
our society is fucked up and evil and makes NOT feeling that way Very Fucking Difficult. 
but it sucks ass so do your best to counter that bullshit
you deserve to eat food
food is nourishment for your body, mind, heart, and soul. food is cultural. food can be soothing and fulfilling. we quite literally NEED IT TO LIVE.
starvation is never the answer, never the solution. it should never be inflicted upon ANYBODY. EVER. self-imposed or by the inaction and cruelty of the system.
doing it to yourself makes sense in our fucked up shitty evil society. but it won’t help you accomplish what you actually want, which is to feel better and be accepted and loved.
idk how many fat ppl we need to see in wonderful healthy loving relationships before we all believe and accept for ourselves and others that fat people are attractive and worthy of love and relationships.
lizzo and mary lambert are two ppl who i LOVE for this. lizzo was so cute and cagey abt her relationship but now she’s like “no yeah he’s the gemini i keep singing abt lololololol” and it’s ADORABLE. her man is Handsome and sounds sweet af based on her documentary. she’s such a fucking sweetheart and SHE’S HOT AS HELL.
SHE’S POWERFUL AND LOVING AND SWEET AND GOOFY AND HARDWORKING AND TALENTED AND HOT AS FUCKING HELL. BITCH!
and mary lambert is the same, just quiet and different and she has her own wonderful partner and they got married and i’m just!!!! I’M JUST!!!!!! THEY’RE SO SWEET!!!!!!!
fatness doesn’t preclude you from worthiness or love or health or joy or anything.
it’s v much the thing someone was talking abt on twitter
“i used to say i was estranged from my dad bc i’m gay.
now i say that i’m estranged from him bc he’s homophobic.
the reframing has helped.”
ppl do not miss opportunities bc they are fat. they miss them bc other ppl are fatphobic. 
there is nothing wrong w being fat. there is nothing wrong w me for being fat. there is nothing wrong w YOU, whoever is reading this (if anyone at all) for being fat.
BE FAT! IT’S FINE! IT’S BETTER THAN FINE--IT’S GREAT!!!!
it’s just wild bc like my mom has a couple health things rn and so do i, and they are being exacerbated by the weight we’ve gained.
but you wanna know how much that is?
like 10-15 pounds. max. for each of us. 
now THAT is a sustainable abt to lose and keep off--and it’s not to be thin. it’s not bc being thin will magically fix all health problems.
but it’s bc those are pounds that are above what our bodies treat as our natural set point weight.
i hit mine before the pandemic and the sheer VOLUME of stress from grad school and the pandemic has made me gain weight and has also triggered the start and flare up of health issues i didn’t even know that i had. which is scary and awful. and part of it is living in this fucking house bc our allergies were NOT made to live in a fucking fertile valley surrounded by farms. 
point being.
being fat was not a problem for either of us. 
those extra few pounds are from a source outside of what is considered Normal, and are just slightly above what our bodies like to sit at for weight. and the difference in what our bodies prefer is what’s causing issues, not being fat.
the same would be true if we were underweight. 
and i’m just. so fucking tired. of seeing ppl i love hate themselves for something that
1. isn’t an actual problem
2. isn’t a failure
3. isn’t a medical risk
4. is a normal human variation
right now my body has a few aches & pains & difficulties that it wouldn’t have if i was 10-15 pounds lighter and had more muscle mass. 
//shrug
okay. 
i’d still be fat, though. and that wouldn’t be a problem.
being fat can be a lot on a body if it’s above your natural set weight--which again isn’t fully stabilized until LATE into your 20s or even later, afaik--and being significantly UNDER your natural set weight is EQUALLY as bad (if not more in my opinion and based on what i know)
it’s okay to complain abt aches and pains. it’s okay to verbalize struggling w the social issues surrounding being fat. that’s commiseration. that’s dealing w bigotry, personal and systemic. that’s okay.
the solution is never to get thinner, tbh. it won’t solve anything. it causes new problems. 
it reinforces the fatphobia and self-hatred
bc if you can’t maintain it
if you suffer for it
you’ll just ignore all the warning signs of serious health problems
you’ll do ANYTHING to be thin
not healthy, not happy, not safe, not loved
thin
thinness is not a magic pill that fixes everything in your life
it doesn’t make ppl more attractive, or happier, or healthier, or anything.
it can make some bigots treat you better.
but i personally don’t want anything from anyone who would only give it to me under certain conditions (within reason, we live under late stage capitalism and we all need money to live and eat, etc.)
why would i want to change anything abt myself to get the love and affection or acceptance of ppl who wouldn’t accept me As I Am? or under Any conditions?
ppl who will only accept you under their specifications don’t actually accept you.
it’s a hollow and meaningless “victory”
and it’s really fucking late and i should’ve been asleep two hours ago.
i’m tired. i’ve had a headache. a sinus headache that made my eye feel like i’d been punched. my MCAS is truly acting out. my hives are intolerable. the sweating is intolerable. i am tired and headachey and i have Shit To Do. i am constantly dealing w stress that is impossible for me to manage. i am perpetually at my breaking point.
but being fat is not one of the things that’s breaking me. it’s not the root problem. 
if i think a bad thing abt my fat body and how i’ve gotten a very significant belly over the pandemic--
it’s not my body or being fat.
the bad thing is the ppl who made me feel terrible for being fat. 
i could go on.
i feel like trash right now.
but when that happens i really have to hammer it home to myself and anyone who will listen.
my problems with my body are so far beyond whether or not i’m fat. that doesn’t matter. my body is what it is and i will try and take care of it no matter what. 
but also it’s a rat bastard who has to fucking COOL IT with the hives and sweating. lol 
anyway. body neutrality. you are your body. i am my body. they are not separate. you cannot punish your body into fitting a shitty little mold that the world’s Worst Fucking Society created. you cannot punish yourself or your body into experiencing happiness. you will only teach it self-loathing and fear and dissatisfaction. 
the ‘you’ is just as much directed at myself as some hypothetical or general you. 
sometimes i’m autistic and annoying and just have to ramble. sometimes i have a lot of thoughts and feelings. sometimes i want to fucking scream at the world and make it disappear so i can rebuild it better and give power to the people who need and deserve it, so that things can be communal and happy and Good. 
and sometimes me rambling like this is my pathetic tiny futile attempt to make things better.
i just now am thinking abt the volume of student papers where i left comments addressing their blatant misinformation and fatphobia. all i can hope is that i made enough of an impression that it lives in their mind, now, and hopefully has shaped how they treat themselves and others. 
i’m tired of ppl hating themselves for being fat. i’m tired of them doing it at all, feeling that way, and also saying it in front of me--as though i’m not fat or can’t be hurt by their words.
even my mom has stopped. she makes some comments abt being insecure sometimes. but truly i GENUINELY think lizzo--who she legitimately calls her hero, and i think/know it’s true, and it SHOULD be!--has seriously helped her. 
it’s not like my mom has led an empty life. and she’s been fat the whole time. and lizzo is this fucking amazing reminder that being fat is just that--being fat. that’s it. 
it really makes me happy to think abt how much better my mom has gotten abt this stuff. how angry she gets w me abt fatphobic bullshit. we don’t talk abt our weights in a negative way anymore, and we hold space for when we feel shitty abt it, too. 
we can talk abt efforts to lose weight and know that we mean 10-15 pounds bc it will help us feel physically comfortable, and those efforts will also help w a few health things we have going on. 
it’s just. i’m happy abt that. 
i wish that for everyone.
i just wish i could stop everyone’s pain around this sort of thing. it’s so hard to undo. and it’s so insidious. 
GOD I NEED TO FUCKING SLEEP IT’S FUCKING 5 AM ALKSDF ASDLSDJFLASKDFJ
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chaoticpanenergy · 2 years
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fuuuuuuuuck i have to figure out what im doing for senior project
and ideally i have to figure it out by. monday. bc that is the earliest day i can submit my project proposal for approval. and doing that as early as possible is smart to ensure that everything goes as smoothly as possible.
to which i would like to say: no <3
however i need to graduate. on time. bc there is no way in hell im coming back to this shitty pwi school for another term and giving them more money. so.
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dracolizardlars · 3 years
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fire emblem (psychiatric diagnosis)
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ain · 3 years
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i've decided that i am once again allowed to be angry and that im allowed to believe that i think and feel beautifully
#personal#im allowed to think good things about myself#im allowed to glance at myself and believe myself beautiful sometimes#im allowed to be angry at people what theyve done / are doing#im happy that in autistic im happy that i have a cat and i have friends who love me and i love back#im happy that i have pink hair and someday soon i will play the violin for someone and fall in love w them#i didnt deserve to wake up **** ***** not knowing where i was i didnt deserve any of the shit men did to me i dont deserve most of all to b#told that i need to be more forgiving. no. i won't be forgiving. i havent processed it and i likely wont for a while because im 18#and tired and vulnerable and my brain wont let me believe it was real but fuck i know i didnt deserve any of it !#i deserve to be loved i deserve to feel loved#fuck men . anyway if someone chases you home . you tell the fucking police about it bc it can bite back later . top tips . xoxo ♡#tionne is . one of the most beautiful people ive met in my fucking life and for a second i was genuinely about to question whether or not i#deserve to talk to her . No . thats not right .#and im allowed to be angry at people who made me think my existence is a chore . im allowed to be angry at them and im allowed to be angry#at men . it was a man . i know it was a man . i know certainly that it was a man . fuck#i might be dropping my therapist soon but he said some things right and i didnt want to believe him because i thought i didnt deserve it bu#no he's right . he's right about my mind .#im so so full of anger but it's not unfounded i am so full of rage and it's going to save me i am so full of poetry and love and music and#played tchaikovsky today and my teacher said i was gifted and i almost cried because we wanted to go to juilliard but fuck . men .#i love my friends i love my cat and i dont love myself but i dont hate myself at all#i care for myself#and i deserve that#im allowed that.#good morning. i loved you. goodnight.#my hands#are made#to hold#and be held.
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Riza Hawkeye as a child/young teen but she's just this Annie Oakley ass prodigal sharp shooter little shit who cuts her hair off with kitchen scissors and runs absolutely buckwild in the woods on her father's estate terrorizing small animals (humanely hunting I'm just being dramatic)
Roy boy is just this awkward nerdy little cornball who wants to get along, but they also kinda have that dynamic from the Swan Princess when Derek and Odette were kids ya feel me? Just watch the childhood montage from that movie you'll understand- ☠️
They have like nothing in common at the time (so they assume) and yet they end up thick as thieves cause Riza hasn't had many friends that she can see outside of her education and had an extremely isolated upbringing, so this goofy sweet baby faced dork just got her like that, even if he sometimes drives her nuts a little bit.
Riza would get upset fairly often bc her neglected social and emotional upbringing would get to her (bc realistically,,,,we know that was the case), and Roy got extremely good at knowing when she's upset and would often be the one to listen to her air her thoughts out (callback to the phone call scene after her encounter with pride, this lends background to how he knows her so well and reads her stress levels like a book even over the phone)
Mundane headcanons:
Roy would transmute little clay/dirt doves and targets for Riza bc he was worried about her shooting glass bottles and other assorted not necessarily safe objects.
Roy is trans, I can't untrans him that's just who he is to me. Riza is a self declared tomboy who I hc as nonbinary/demigirl. They're also bi4bi it's canon Arakawa told me.
Riza didn't really know good birthdays, and when Roy realized this it broke his heart bc Chris always tried to remember stuff like that for him and she's not even his own biological mother. So, he made an annual routine of gifting her something (often transmuted and unique).
Riza loved being out in nature back then and knew the wooded areas around the estate like the back of her own hand, when she and Roy had warmed up more to one another she made a routine of showing him all the neat little spots she'd found in the area for one reason or another, just for the sake of sharing that with someone. These remain some of their fondest memories.
Riza would be more likely to go out to shoot targets when she was angry or upset, if she was having a good day and had the time she would be more likely to go hunting because she enjoyed the hiking and tracking but couldn't focus on it when internally upset. Roy eventually figured this out as well.
Riza climbed so many trees, rocks, outcroppings, etc- and was always scraped up from something she probably shouldn't have climbed getting the better of her.
Riza used to have a nanny birddog named Otto, but he passed away before Roy came around, so making a new friend in him after that loss was a big comfort to her. She was hesitant to have other dogs until Hayate.
They're both autistic.
Relatedly, Riza would go nonverbal and lock herself in her room sometimes. Roy, concerned, would approach this by slipping little notes under the door offering company if needed, while not pushing her to talk.
Riza would sing/hum while doing chores or out and about exploring and on every occasion Roy overheard this he'd turn red from ear to ear- if she caught it and realized he'd heard she'd be twice as embarrassed.
Riza would take Roy foraging and showed him some useful/edible plants, and safe berries and mushrooms that she knew in the region. He was honestly always pretty impressed, especially considering some mushrooms that are safe have toxic siblings that look identical.
Both of them are varying levels of nerd. Riza is the type who's full of trivia, especially weird facts about her special interests (animal behavior, guns, bushcraft, navigation and tracking stuff, etc), Roy started out neutral to this but over time infosharing kinda became their love language, and he'd start to infodump right back. They'd spend hours like that some days.
Riza knows constellations really well for navigational reasons, and there were times that she showed Roy a way to get onto the roof from the attic and they'd stargaze. She would teach folk names of constellations, regional lore behind them, navigational uses for them etc; Roy would tell her basic facts about space and astronomy that come with understanding of alchemy.
Riza typically stuck to small prey (rabbits, fowl, easy to retrieve misc.), but Roy had an awakening when Riza first killed a whole ass deer (albeit a young one) and came back with it thrown over both shoulders with the determined energy of a small lionness.
Riza is REALLY good at cooking and baking because she had a bit too much free time to fuck around in the kitchen. She also learned how to cure and smoke meats bc of her hunting. It certainly helped them stay well fed.
Roy developed a habit of cooking for the household pretty regularly in a swapped routine with Riza after only a while of being around because he saw how much she had to be self sufficient in almost every way and honestly just wanted to relieve her of the constant responsibility and self parentification. He'd also help with chores constantly.
Roy had major internal conflict even early on because he respected his teacher greatly for his intelligence and brilliance, but also kned that Riza wasn't being raised well, and that no matter what he does, Berthold can only decline mentally. This is the root of his protective and caretaking behavior with her, ultimately.
Roy doodled and sketched a lot back in the day and had a little booklet that he guarded with his life bc it started out random assorted things, but eventually devolved into a book full of cute little doodles of mostly Riza jammed into the last half of the book (She can never know-). He still has it stored away.
Riza could easily pick him up even then, this never changed. She got to show this once when he sprained his ankle on a hike with her and she held half his weight as a crutch with no strain to herself. He never quite recovered from that (but boy did it make his crush worse).
Roy would notice rarely he'd have a shirt go missing and never could figure out why til he'd find Riza wearing an identical shirt. (She told herself it's just cause they're cozy of course- she just likes boys clothes too! They look nice under overalls and are comfortable to sleep in! nothing more /s) They never said a word about it even though it was right in front of them, they couldn't dare.
Roy had a bike, and she'd ride behind him down some of the rural roads and paths that could support it for fun sometimes.
During winter the home would get pretty chilly because of its size and not enough stoves/fireplaces to fully warm the declining estate, so when snowed in on miserably cold winter days they'd usually end up reclined in the study by the space heater or in the loungeroom by the fireplace reading separately, but still occasionally talking back and forth.
Riza stopped hunting post-Ishval. She couldn't bring herself to derive that same innocent pride and appreciation for the circle of life she once had, and felt she no longer deserved to have that respectful exchange with the cycle of life and death after what her skills had been used for. She never stops going to shooting ranges, but it's either for standard upkeep of practice or to vent.
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mallowstep · 2 years
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this is like a super weird. question but do you have any tips wrt finding people to talk to about warrior cats stuff 🥲 i have no wc friends i swear
irl or online?
irl good fucking luck. my friends nod along for matthew's weekly hour-of-cat-talk, mostly.
online u just gotta talk to people. literally everyone i know hates starting conversations but like. wants to talk to people. ik i am slowly ascending into grumbly old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn, but i swear i'm actually a very chill person i am just also very tired.
i think i reblogged a post abt the difficulty of finding fandom friends earlier (which might b what inspired this), but like. i honestly got SUPER lucky that i've made wc friends. before this i had fandom friends n we shared experiences, but we weren't in the same fandoms at ALL. most of my friends r in other fandoms n talk about them w each other, i consume one (1) piece of media.
(altho i've felt like shit for a few days so i might FINALLY start watching killing eve.)
anyway, yeah. you just gotta talk to people. some safety/advice/etc. type tips that won't help you make friends but will help you make good ones:
personally i do not believe in giving out discord on a first date, so to speak. we will chat on tumblr dms until i feel like ur a real person. every step closer to ur inner circle of information, the more u risk.
try to make sure ur not getting attached to an anti. like. it sucks to find out that you are, and it's better for everyone if you do a quick search of their blog. if you guys don't know how to do that effectively lemme know and i'll give u a tutorial.
i can't give discord server joining advice bc i'm in one (1) discord server n it's a group chat basically. some of my friends have been burned in servers tho so just b careful.
usually one person can introduce u to others but it might b a slow process.
this is weirdly specific but i don't think the Fastest road to friendship is by making someone something. dgmw i love when people make me things n i love making things for my friends (even if i'm super slow about it sorry "bestow all grace upon my song" will one day be published), but i think it's just like. not the best way to establish a connection. i think this will make sense but i don't know how to explain it? i'm not saying like. u've ruined ur chances at friendship if you do that. i'm just saying i think u can Slow it Down.
reaching out is fucking hard but i was literally just like. i am so grateful to the people who have started a conversation w me? they are near and dear to my heart. if you feel weird abt starting a conversation that's valid but for like. reassurance. it's always hard but people (generally) want to talk.
also just. b direct. say "u seem cool i want to b ur friend. here's some of my thoughts on something we're both interested. [thoughts]." you don't have to be quite that direct but there's nothing like a message you don't really get the point of. maybe i'm just autistic but "i'm reaching out because you seem cool and i want to make friends" goes over MUCH better to me than almost anything else.
lastly: remember that they're still an internet stranger. it takes time to get to know people. my friends certainly know more about me than y'all know, but you can't like. drop shit on someone first conversation. be careful about how you open up. good people won't push you for more than you're comfortable with, etc.
best of luck anon!
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ladysparklefists · 3 years
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can we please talk about the way that
if you're ADHD (or probably autistic, or another flavour of neurodivergency, but I'm ADHD so it's what I know) that means either
you either have parents who are not themselves ADHD and fundamentally do not understand it bc their brain just works totally differently to yours and you get the classic "why don't you just try harder?"
OR
VERY LIKELY
(because it's got a genetic component)
you've got at least one parent who IS ALSO ADHD but they're almost certainly undiagnosed
and they've got ~30 additional years of masking and weird coping mechanisms all piled up inside them
and when you try to explain why something is happening or what you're struggling with
they're like, no no that's normal
bc it IS normal, for them, and for you, but not for neurotypical people actually, and it's so hard to convince them that actually no, freezing for hours unable to get started on a mundane task is a Troubling Symptom and not just, something you have to "get over" with some weird glitchy decades-old coping mechanism
and especially bc ADHD is mostly characterised by things that are normal in small amounts / occasionally and is a Thing bc they happen too much / all the time / frequently
but anyway
it's just. really hard for everyone. when it turns out "that's just how we are" is, actually, neurodivergent.
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