#bc i was about to give myself a Quarantine Haircut and i decided to compromise and give my second save file pokeman guy a Quarantine Cut

[nullspace-mustard]

i had,, the strangest gender-adjacent feelings today

#i got i think the closest i have ever been to Ah My Body Doesn’t Look Right !!! ive ever been but it was not about my physical body #it was about my player character in my pokeman save that i created like 7-10 days ago #which i made (1) so i could play w a different starter but also (2) bc i wanted to play the game as A Boy bc i wanted the boy hair options #bc i was about to give myself a Quarantine Haircut and i decided to compromise and give my second save file pokeman guy a Quarantine Cut #so Anyways me from 7-10 days ago give this little dude a short generic guy haircut(idk how to describe?) but made it Green bc it’s pokeman #so why not right? so Anyways me from 7-10 days ago was like Wow! Short hair and Boy Clothes(TM) this is great! incredible!!! #bc the logic was (1) this character is not Me But In Pokeman like in save 1 and (2) if i want a dress i can go back to save 1 #so cool great catchin pokemon wearin Boy Shoes and Boy Hair and just generally having a good time Allowing This OC (Not Me!) To Live Dreams #so then today i play pokeman again for the first time since the 2-3 day period during the 7-10 day frame when i last played #and my Immediate reaction was ‘Aaaahhhhhh why Is He Like That??????’ even tho i am the person who made the oc trainer Like That #like i paid 4000 poke dollars to have the hair and face Like That ! #so i was like ‘uhhhh we will investigate this Later bc it is Urgent we change this dude’s hair Now’ so i changed the style and color #so we went from Green to Ash Brown and from Short Cool Dude Hair to Medium Length Kinda Sloppy Hair #i was not thrilled with the style options and as much as i wanted him to have short hair all of the short options were like Stressing Me Out #??? it was very bizarre ? and once that was like kinda taken care of enough i changed the trainers clothes too bc needed a clean slate #but now weve run into the problem of He Looks Too Much Like Me bc the whole point was to have a wildly different Escapism Trainer OC #that was supposed to be so left field escapism that it would overshoot gender envy and end up in some other Not Necessarily My Vibe zone #so now this dude looks a lot like me (like his hair and fashion are probably more accurate than save 1 where the trainer is Ya Know me) #which isn’t like A Problem but isn’t what i wanted :-( #also there’s the actual can of worms about how Completely Stressed i was that this fake pokemon guy did not look enough like a Real Person #even tho that was never the intention for him and like the way that Stress About Appearance And Perception relates to me and my life outside #of pokeman bc despite the fact that a lot of these feelings were about this dude a lot of them Felt very visceral in like a Me way???? #felt very weird am not a fan would not like to do again #gender stuff #also like the way i personally interact with my gender identity is pretty much exclusively through presentation atm? #bc i don’t really feel like having Emotions and stuff about gender vocab right now so I’m chillin in the #‘im me and im me regardless of what i wear and my gender feels the way it did a year ago except now there are some days i want a binder’ #which to me does not feel like A Thing That Warrants New Vocab that is just wanting a broader range of presentation options #but bc basically the only gender thoughts im having atm are Presentation thoughts then it i think made this whole situation more Distressing #i think? but also i feel like i am simultaneously reading into this too much and not enough so :-\\\\ only time will tell i guess