Another love.
Prompt: Spencer can’t let go of the past. Y/N can’t pretend this isn’t hurting her anymore.
Based on the song “Another love” by Tom Odell for #willsannievent.
Warnings: Major angst, break up, sad!Spencer, mentions of death, mentions of depression, mentions of self-hate.
Words: 5.2k
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*DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED SEASON 8 OF CRIMINAL MINDS! THERE IS A MAJOR SPOILER IN THIS STORY.*
And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright
I’m just so tired to share my nights
I wanna cry and I wanna love
But all my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight
But my hand’s been broken, one too many times
So I’ll use my voice, I’ll be so fucking rude
Words they always win, but I know I’ll lose
It’s been said that you really only fall in love with three people in your lifetime, but it’s also believed that you need each of these loves for a different reason but they are all equally as important as the other because they shape you, they turn you into the person you’ll be for the rest of your life.
Spencer doesn’t agree with that.
There’s the first love, a love that looks right, a love usually called “Fairytale love”.
This is the love you watch on movie screens, in TV shows, in bedtime stories where the prince and the princess have their “happily ever after” ending. It’s the love you wish you had, a love that you assume it’s easy to find. It’s the starry-eyed love that happens when you’re young, probably in High School when you’re surrounded by all of these people and finally one of them catches your attention.
It’s a love that doesn’t feel quite right but you get into it because you think it’s the most important thing in the world at the moment. It’s a love you jump right in because you want to know how love feels, because you’re overwhelmed by emotions and feelings and everything that comes with them. It’s probably a love that appeals to what you should be doing in the eyes of society, of your family, that you accept just because you think it’s okay to do it. But you know it’s not the love you want.
Spencer remembers when he experienced his first love. It happened in High School, when he met this beautiful girl with the cutest smile he has ever seen and the sweetest voice he could ever hear. He thought she was the one for him, because she was the only one that talked to him without making fun of him – or so he thought, because he ended up completely naked and tied to a chair in front of everyone at school. It was something unexpected, something that hurt him, something that pushed him to believe love wasn’t and was never going to be for him.
The second love, also called the “Hard love”, is the kind of love that hurts.
It’s the love that brings you to your breaking point over and over and eventually pushes you on your knees, sobbing and wondering where it all went wrong, or if it was ever right.
It’s a love that suffocates you, a love that destroys your heart in ways you’ve never expected love to do. With this kind of love, you think about fixing it without reflecting on whether you should. It’s a love that, through all the pain and the trauma, teaches you a lesson about who you are as a person, but mostly teaches you what you should look for in a relationship and what you don’t want in your life.
But it’s an emotional roller coaster made of extreme highs and lows, and like a drug addict trying to get a fix, you stick through the loops of this love with the low expectation and hope for one single high. It’s a love that you wished was right and when it doesn’t work out, you feel defeated but you know it was for the best.
Spencer clearly remembers this kind of love, when he had the chance to be with a person but then other obstacles came up, ruining everything. He fell in love with a woman through the phone, a woman he has never seen before and a woman who kind-of betrayed him, a woman that lied to him, a woman that sent shivers down his spine when she called him. A woman that stole his heart and crushed it onto the ground when she did right in front of his eyes, after he wasn’t able to tell he loved her to the moon and back.
This love was traumatic, it was difficult but he couldn’t fix it even if he tried. But when he tried, he ruined everything and she ended up in a pool of her own blood in front of his eyes. It’s a love that drilled a hole in his heart, a love that suffocated him because it never blossomed the way he desperately wanted to. But, despite everything people said about the second love, “the hard love”, Spencer knew it would’ve worked out if obstacles didn’t come up. If Maeve allowed him to help her through everything, if Maeve would’ve just told him the truth.
Then there’s the third love, the “love that lasts”.
It’s a love you never see coming, a love that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys every lingering ideals you clung to about what love is supposed to be.
It’s the love that comes so easy it doesn’t feel possible because it’s a connection that cannot be explained and knocks you off your feet because you never planned for it.
It’s a love Spencer doesn’t believe in, a love he doesn’t think would come for him because his mind is still focused on a love that should’ve been, a love that should’ve happened for him.
It’s a love that sweeps you off your feet, sure; this is the only thing that happened to him, when he met her for the first time. But it’s all because of her bubbly personality, the sweetest smile he has ever seen after that girl in High School, the cutest pair of eyes that he settled his own on. Spencer still gives it a go with her, hoping that maybe she will be his new fix and helps him forget the love he so dearly wanted before.
But Y/N is nothing like Maeve.
She’s smart, she’s beautiful, she’s sweet, she’s kind. There’s nothing wrong with Y/N because she’s an amazing person with an even better personality. She’s herself. But she’s not Maeve.
Spencer had told Y/N about Maeve.
One night he was so overwhelmed with the memories and upset because it was Maeve’s anniversary. Y/N found him on his couch, wrapped in his favourite blanket, and asked what was wrong with him – and he broke down completely, telling her everything that happened to his ex lover. He cried, he almost pushed Y/N away but she was so understanding, so gentle with him and didn’t make him uncomfortable. He felt like shit for pretending to love her when his heart belonged to someone else, to the woman he was crying about, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell Y/N the truth. He hoped she would’ve seen it in his eyes because she’s a profiler and she should be able to read people’s body language, but she couldn’t. Or she wouldn’t.
Maybe Y/N didn’t want to admit the truth to herself, maybe she was naive, maybe Spencer was being her hard love and she simply can’t pull away from him because she’s doing everything in her power to keep him by her side even though she knows he’s not right for her – just like Maeve was his second love, even though she ended up also being his third and everlasting one. Spencer feels like she is.
Even though she died years before, and she left a hole in his heart, he can’t move on.
Y/N is just... someone to Spencer, nothing more than that.
And he hates this because she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, she doesn’t deserve to be with someone who doesn’t love her the way she should be loved because Y/N is just so amazing, she’s so perfect in every single way. She doesn’t deserve to be with someone who sees her just as “someone” there for him and not as the person they’re in love with, but Spencer is tired of pretending he wants her.
Spencer is stuck in the past, a past that is slowly breaking him in little pieces Y/N can’t put together – or so he thinks. He doesn’t want her to put him back together, he wants to be left alone but he doesn’t want Y/N any longer. He doesn’t want to make her feel like he’s feeling, he doesn’t want her to go through what he’s going through with his ideal love with Maeve.
“Hi love! Happy anniversary!”
Y/N’s angelic voice captures his attention, forcing the young doctor to turn around and watch her as she makes her way inside of his apartment. He forgot she was coming over, he forgot today is their first anniversary and he even forgot to buy her something – but why would he buy her a flower if he doesn’t want to be with her? If he can’t be with her?
“Hi.”
Y/N takes off her denim jacket, leaving it on the chair next to the entrance. “I’m sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I think a car accident not too far from here. But I stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts to buy you these!”
Spencer shrugs, lowering his eyes as he crosses his arms to his chest. “It’s okay.”
She holds out a box filled with chocolate doughnuts covered with sprinkles, his favourites. “They were the last three and they’re all yours.”
He wants to smile. He really wants to because she’s doing all of this to make him happy, to show him how much she loves him but he can’t bring himself to lift the angles of his lips. It’s too much, it’s suffocating and he can’t take this anymore. He can’t pretend this is okay, he can’t pretend to love her any longer. It makes his heart hurt.
“Thank you.”
Y/N walks towards him after placing the doughnuts on the table in front of his TV and grabs both his hands, leaning forward to give him a kiss on the lips but he pulls away before she can do it. He also winces at her touch, as if she just burned him with her hands. She takes a step back, suddenly an icy cold wave of air washes over her.
“Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?”
Spencer runs his fingers through his hair, stepping away from her and shaking his head with his eyes low on the floor. His heart hurts from doing what he’s about to and all he wants to do is to kiss her, to make her feel alright because she doesn’t deserve any of this. Y/N didn’t do anything wrong. She’s just the most perfect human being that has ever graced this Earth, the most amazing person he found after all these years that he just can’t love – even though he knows he should, because she’s made for him and has made him feel like he could be loved again.
Spencer wants to cry, the frustration hitting him hard on the chest and almost leaving him breathless. There are so many reasons why he shouldn’t break up with her and there’s only one reason that wants him to do so: she’s not Maeve. Spencer is so haunted by the shadow of his second love, of the love that should have been, that he’s blind to everything else.
When he kissed Y/N, he clearly remembers he felt something – which is why they started dating not too long after. Spencer wants to love Y/N so bad because she proved to him that he’s able to feel something after what he’s been through, because she proved to him his heart is still made of love and blood, and not stone cold ice. But he can’t, he just can’t.
Hurting her is the last thing he wants to do. He wants to punch himself in the face for thinking about breaking up with her, therefore breaking her heart and upsetting her, but he can’t keep on pretending. He’s still hung up on another love.
Another love that has captured his heart.
Another love that shattered his heart.
Another love that should have been.
So he’ll use his voice, he’ll be so fucking rude so at least she’ll have a reason to hate him for good.
“I can’t keep doing this to you, Y/N.”
She stares at him, her eyes wandering around the room until they settle on the book on his couch. And her heart drops because she knows what’s coming, she knows what this is all about and there’s nothing she can do to stop her tears from falling. That book, The narrative of John Smith, haunted her for months but she thought she didn’t have to worry about it. She thought it was nice to have a memory of a love that existed, but maybe she shouldn’t have.
“Say it.”
Spencer can’t bring himself to look at her because he knows what he’s going to see. He knows how her voice changes when she’s sad, when she’s getting her heart broken because it cracks. Her voice drops lower than usual, just like right now, and he hates it. He hates how it sounds right now, because it’s all his fault.
He should’ve been honest with her, he shouldn’t have jumped into a relationship he wasn’t ready for – or maybe he was ready, but he changed his mind when he realised how deep and strong her love for him ran. It’s probably stronger than what Maeve felt for him, deeper than he thought he’d deserve. It’s a real love, a love she thought was everlasting also on his part but she was wrong. So fucking wrong, it almost pains Spencer to think about.
“Say it, Spencer.”
When his eyes settle on her face, his heart gets ripped out of his chest.
Y/N is staring at him with a coldness he has never witnessed before, she’s patiently waiting for him to break her heart in the worst way. But her body is screaming a whole different story because her hands are shaking, she’s not breathing right and she’s holding back. And suddenly his voice is gone, his words get stuck in his throat and a voice in his head yells at him to keep his mouth shut, to stay quiet because this is all wrong. This shouldn’t happen, he can’t let this happen.
“You want to break up with me, don’t you?”
Spencer breaks the eye contact with a frustrated sigh, massaging his temples with the tip of his fingers. This is all so confusing, this is all so terrifying for him and she knows it – which is why she’s waiting, hoping that those words won’t come out of his mouth but she knows very well they will, eventually. And she’s not ready to hear them, she’s not ready to get her heart broken in the blink of an eye.
Y/N doesn’t move, her eyes following his every move. “You can’t even look at me in the face. Am I that unimportant?”
She wants to punch him, she wants to pull his hair, she wants to scream at him, she wants to cry, she wants to throw all of those doughnuts on his face and rip all the pages from his new books, but she can’t do it unless he says something. And he has to, or she’ll hold on to that little flicker of hope still lingering in the air.
“Am I so insignificant?”
Spencer shakes his head, nervously tapping his fingers on his thigh. “You’re not insignificant.”
Y/N looks up, brushing the back of her right hand over her cheek. “Come on, then. Be a decent human being and tell me the truth, I don’t have all day.”
“I can’t love you.”
She scoffs, grabbing her jacket from the chair.
Anger is running through her veins and she knows she should hold back, but how can you blame her? He’s dumping her on the day of their anniversary, after pretending to love her for a whole year without feeling bad for it, without realising how dangerous, how painful, how sickening this is.
““It’s not you, it’s me”, right? “I can’t love you because I still love my ex girlfriend even though you’ve proven to me I can be loved and I deserve to be loved. I can’t love you because I don’t want to move on from my past, even though I told you I’m okay and I want to be with you.” Is that what you want to say but you can’t bring yourself to?”
He snaps his head towards her, his heart dropping in his chest. “Y/N...”
She lifts both her hands, looking at him with pure coldness and anger. “Don’t you dare play the victim now because it’s pointless. It took you a whole year to figure out you don’t want to be with me, do you understand how miserable that makes me feel? A whole fucking year. And before that, eight months. We’ve dated for eight long months before you asked me to officially be your girlfriend. Eight months! And in all this time you’ve never... You...”
Spencer knows she’s breaking down and holding back something she knows she can’t say out loud, but he can’t deny that she’s right in everything she’s spilling out. He had twenty months to figure this out, twenty months that led her to fall deeper in love with him and he just didn’t care because he thought he could be with her.
He thought she could make him happy and she does! He has never felt this happy before in his life, she gave him a purpose in life and she kept him going, she has made him the happiest man alive from all the attentions, the kisses, the late night conversations, the gifts, the silences, the cuddles, the incredible and strong love he was waiting and knew he could receiving by her and only her.
What has changed now? What made him realise he doesn’t feel anything for her?
But he feels something for her.
Pity, because she fell for a man that can never be hers.
She fell for a man that is still haunted by the ghosts of the past, by the shadow of a love that should have been, a love that keeps crushing his heart even though Y/N tried to keep alive with her own heart, her own love, her affection, her own connection with him.
Spencer looks at her, tears in his eyes and pain in his heart as Y/N stares at him in horror. Her eyes are wide open, her lips are slightly parted and her cheeks are stained with tears, her mascara running down as her heart feels heavier than ever before. The realisation of what he’s not saying lingers in the air, choking her; ripping her heart out of her chest and driving a stake through it, making it bleed.
“You’ve never loved me.”
Spencer shakes his head frantically. “No! No, I do. I love you, I really do.”
Y/N sniffles, turning her head away for a second.
She doesn’t believe him at all but she chooses to, not caring if this is a lie or not.
his is too much for her and right now all she cares about, well all she wanted to do that day, was celebrating their love with him, by kissing him, by watching a movie, by cooking something.
“You don’t love me, there’s no need to lie. – mutters the young woman, trying to keep her posture and not break down again – Your ex girlfriend is dead, Spencer. She’s gone, she won’t come back to you. She loves you from afar but she’s not here and I am! I’m giving you everything and it’s not enough for you because I’ll never be her! I will never be Maeve, Spencer. I’m me, I’m Y/N Y/S/N.”
He knows Maeve will never come back. He knows she’s gone and he’s okay with it. Sometimes he misses her, but he has Y/N.
Why does it have to be so confusing?
Why can’t he simply think about the woman right in front of him, crying because he’s killing her?
“You have two choices: the first, which is to love me for who I am, or the second, to leave me for a ghost And I think you’ve made your choice pretty clear, Spencer. – says Y/N, putting her jacket back on – I will never lose a fight with a sanctified ghost.”
He stares at her, brushing the back of his hand over his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me. You gave me time, you gave me space, you gave me everything you could and I’m just hurting you. I wish this could be different, I wish....”
She holds out a hand, stopping him before he could say something else. “Don’t say things you know are not true. You love her, I can’t compete with your everlasting love. I can’t even if I tried. And I tried so hard to make this work, because you deserve to be happy.”
“But you deserve someone better than me.”
Y/N bites her bottom lip, taking a step back before he could come closer. “Maeve would’ve wanted you to be happy, not wasting your time mooning over her ghost. I’m being harsh and I hate it, but I can’t just pretend this is not hurting me because it is. It’s killing me and I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”
Spencer sighs loudly, placing a hand over his heart. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Y/N. You’ve been amazing.”
“Yeah, that’s what hurts the most. I’ve done everything for you and what have I got in return?”
He finishes the sentence for her. “Lies.”
There’s a pause after that.
He wasn’t lying when he told her he liked her after that dinner in her own car after a case he finished working on.
He wasn’t lying when he kissed her on the lips for the first time and whispered he wanted to be with her.
He wasn’t lying when he told her that everything was better since he met her.
He wasn’t lying when he promised her they would find a little cottage somewhere and spend their holidays there, with no one around but themselves.
“The only lie I told you was that I loved you.”
Spencer wants to smack himself in the face after saying those words.
He just admitted he never loved her in the first place, something he denied a few seconds before, and he can literally see Y/N’s heart break even more. Why is he doing this to her? Why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut today? He’s ruining everything.
Y/N scoffs again, a bitter laugh leaving her lips. “Just a pretty little lie. Nothing major, right?”
He frowns at her words, the sarcasm burning in her throat, but he completely understands why she’s angry. She has every right to be angry at him, he deserves to be yelled at because he’s being almost selfish.
“You shouldn’t have started dating me if you weren’t emotionally over her, Spencer. You can either wallow in your memories of her or live a life with me. You said you dealt with her loss years ago, that you went to a therapist and you worked through your grief but this... – says Y/N, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear – This proves nothing helped you, this proves I didn’t help you enough and I can’t do it if you lie to me, but I also can’t be your saviour. I’ve listened to you, I’ve comforted you during her anniversary five months ago and you never had the decency to tell me the truth once, in 365 days of our relationship. And you don’t even love me.”
Spencer wants to tell her that one day he will, eventually he will fall in love with her but now he can’t because all of the tears, all of his hopes and dreams are wasted on another love. Y/N won’t understand this now because she feels betrayed, because she has got her heart broken today and it’s all his fault.
“You said you were ready for a relationship but she’s still the centre of your thoughts. And I should be that person, I should be the one you want to love. – adds Y/N, closing the jacket on her chest – You should get therapy to understand your inability to grieve and move on with your life, because Maeve wouldn’t have wanted you to do all of this. She wouldn’t have wanted you to throw a whole year of relationship because of her. You always talk about her like some kind of angel and I’m pretty sure she was an amazing person, but she’s not here now. I am.”
Spencer wants to throw up, the intensity of the moment is almost too much for him but he has to stay. He can’t run away and break Y/N’s heart even more, especially now that she’s about to walk away from him – and probably his life for a very long time. He doesn’t know how she’s going to act at work, if she’s going to be able to face him every single day of her life until she or he quits. He doesn’t know anything.
“You treated me so well. I guess I can say you’re an amazing actor. – spits Y/N, venom filling her voice – If you had to quit your job, you could go straight to Hollywood.”
Spencer takes a deep breath, finally speaking up and knowing he’s about to destroy everything even more. “You’re not being a good girlfriend. You’ve never been one.”
She falls silent, her mouth agape and her eyes wide open.
“You’ve been selfish, always needing my attention when you could see I couldn’t be with you. – his voice sounds so cold, so distant, so aggressive yet so calm – You’ve never asked me how I felt about a new relationship after what happened to Maeve, you’ve never asked me why I couldn’t date for all those years after her death.”
But Y/N can’t keep her mouth shut, a tug on her heart forces her to speak up because this is not right. If he wants to break up with her, so be it, but he has no right to say these things – especially if they’re all lies to make him feel better, to make him sleep at night after committing the worst mistake of his life.
“I did, Spencer, I fucking did! You were the one that told me not to ask you questions, you were the one that told me you were ready for a new relationship with me because I was able to help you and understand you! You were the one that told me you couldn’t date anyone because you were terrified of losing them, and look at us now! Look at what you’re doing, Spencer! You’re losing me and you don’t give a fuck! – exclaims Y/N, kicking her bag on the floor – Don’t you fucking dare blame me for your inability to commit a relationship that we both seem to have wanted at the beginning. Don’t you fucking dare blame my paranoia and my insecurities, when I’ve been nothing but understanding with the whole Maeve situation. I didn’t know her like you knew her, but I knew her through your words and I’ve never wanted to take her place! Never.”
Spencer backs away now, seeing Y/N’s whole body shake with anger. If a look could kill, he would’ve been dead before she even set her eyes on his face. But who can blame her? He’s trying to get out of this situation, to break up with her for good because he can’t keep lying to her and forcing her to be with him.
“You are scared of people leaving you because of everything you’ve been through and I get it, Spencer. Jason left you, Derek left you, your father left you and Maeve died. I promised you I would never leave you because I’m truly, madly, deeply in love with you but remember that you are the reason why I am leaving now. – Y/N points his finger to his chest, pushing his body backwards – I offered you to ask a friend of mine to get you into her program, I asked you to talk to me if you felt the need to ease the weight off your chest but you’ve never said a single thing, besides promising me you were in love with me.”
“I lied! Okay? Yes, I fucking lied to you, Y/N! I lied about loving you and I lied about being over Maeve, is that what you wanted to hear? Is that what you wanted me to say? – he screams, his vein prominently popping on his neck as Y/N takes a step back – I want to break up with you because I don’t love you! I never did!”
These words won over her and Spencer feels like a part of himself has just died along with the last flicker of hope in her eyes.
Y/N simply looks at him, her eyes trying to understand if this is a nightmare or the truth of life as she holds back a sob.
Spencer wants to run to her and hug her so tightly he’ll consume her, he wants to throw himself off a window because he just ruined the most perfect woman he could ever meet.
He allowed his mind to play tricks on him, he let the memory of a ghost haunt him to the point he ruined his own relationship – a relationship that was actually helping him.
Y/N grabs her bag from the floor and walks to the door of his apartment, sniffling. She wants to turn around but she knows Spencer won’t look at her. This was the last straw for her because he spat in her face that he never loved her.
What hurts the most is that he didn’t even try, he didn’t even..
“Y/N, I...”
She opens the door with her shaky hands and takes a deep breath, turning around to look at him only to find him holding that book. There’s nothing else to say, there’s nothing else to do for her so she lets out a huge sigh, smiles at him and walks out of his apartment.
When the door closes with a loud slam, Spencer throws the book on the floor in anger.
He lost the only person who meant something for him.
“Miss me a little but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me but let go.”
Christina Georgina Rossetti
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