Wow WOW ok so I used to live next to a train track a long time ago and for the past 9 ish years I've lived nowhere near a train track but every now and then I still Definitely hear trains. That's dot one. Dot two is that I have anxiety induced auditory hallucinations.
So apparently APD makes it hard to understand people, especially:
if they talk fast
if they have an accent
if they have their mouth covered
if there’s background noise
I work in a shop that is noisy. Most of the customers have an accent and don’t speak English as their first language. They’re mostly wearing masks.
The staff is also mostly people who have accents. They want you to work fast, so they talk fast (and often when they’re giving instructions). And they wear masks.
Now idk if I have APD, but I’ve struggled for so long trying to understand people and it’s become more noticeable with everyone having to wear masks. I had a coworker at my old job ask it I was deaf because I asked her to repeat herself about 5 times, and only when she took her mask off did I finally get what she said. She didn’t have an accent, but she spoke incredibly fast.
I also recently had a phone call from the doctors and he asked me a question, but I had absolutely no idea what he said. I panicked and handed the phone to my mum and said “I don’t know what he is saying”. This doctor had an accent.
When I tell my mum that I can’t understand people who are foreign, she will sometimes joke that I’m racist and I feel horrible about it. I know I’m not, but I feel bad that I can’t understand them most of the time.
so i went for like a 10 min walk yesterday cause i was so fucking bored and thought it would help me sleep better. but nooooooooo i come back and have ptsd attack. didn’t sleep till 3 am woke up a t 7:30 then again at 10 am it is now noon im groggy and my upper body hurts from the walk. make it make sense.
Not a sad thing (well I guess kinda since it took so long, but eh), but I watched a tiktok video recently and that was the first time I understood that I have an auditory processing disorder. The person explained so clearly that I actually know now that when my hearing goes “blurry” (idk the word), it’s my auditory processing not working. It’s not just something that only I deal with.
This is why education on disability is so important. If kids have any sort of mental illness or mental disability, a lot of them won’t know (especially with mine being mostly inward) unless they’re specifically told “hey, this is what this is like, here’s a specific example.” Before I saw that video, I didn’t think I had an auditory processing disorder, I just thought sometimes I couldn’t hear and that that was normal.
I have 3 fans going on full speed in my bedroom, because of this I usually can't hear anything going on outside my bedroom, now the sound never bothers me, but when I'm doing school , they become deafening, it's like they're stopping me from think , like I can't hear my own thoughts over them, but if I do school in the kitchen where there's always someone doing something, or dogs rough housing, or cats meowing, or the microwave going off I have no trouble focusing , in fact it's easier to focus......WTF
Is my mom and sister hard of hearing, or Ami actually hallucinating this, do you hear (slight, because I always wind up recording the quiet parts) music (and yes, I know there is a buzzing noise over it, but I would genuinely appreciate if someone could tell me
If you could reply to this, I would greatly appreciate it. I genuinely don't know if I'm hearing things or not,
Jumbled Words: A Poem About Central Auditory Processing Disorder
My friend smiles.
I smile back.
My friend opens their mouth,
come soaring out.
I ready my ears
to catch them.
a passing car smudged the sentence.
My friend laughs.
I laugh too.
I don’t know what were laughing about.
My friend speaks more.
Maybe I’ll catch the next batch.
My ears squint.
the wind lifts the letters in the air
and swirls them around,
they settle as a disorganized mesh.
I try to untangle the pieces
but then I feel my friend
staring at me
So I nod.
This convinces my friend that I’m listening and she continues.
I mean, I really am listening.
My brain is just so filled with
the rumbling cars,
the twittering birds,
the howling wind,
the yapping dogs,
the boisterous people,
the rattling of the leaves upon the sidewalk.
It’s too much of everything all at once.
I need to catch my friend’s words this time.
Let me catch something.
I raise my ears
I seize the words triumphantly!
I open my mind to look at the words,
some start to
Now they are a jumbled word pile on the floor
with all the other previous lost sentences.
I frantically clench my mind tight.
I manage to nab a few before I lose them.
Only four words.
Will this be enough?
I need time to solve the puzzle
but I notice the silence.
I glance up
My friend is
Looking at me expectantly.
I ran out of time.
So I utter…
“Aw man. That’s something.”
“I asked you a question,” they say.
I was caught.
My head hangs down in shame
the words and letters rustle at my feet
instead of my head
where they’re suppose to be.
I look up and admit
I missed everything they said.
My friend smiles,
takes my hand,
and offers these words
which I thankfully intercept this time.
Spent the better part of my morning explaining to my parents that I get increasingly frustrated and anxious when they talk over each other because their voices get jumbled in my brain and then every noise gets heightened which then increases my anxiety further. And the answer I got in response was “...well don’t be so sensitive.”
That’s an hour and a half of my life I’ll never get back.
When you’ve been chittering and making loud noises and just filling the empty space because you’re home alone and absolutely vibing, and then people come home later and you’ve forgotten and so you’re chittering and squawking and just hear ‘Be quiet!’ Goodness that is awkward as fuck.