#at this point I'm torturing myself

[ferretwhomst]

alright guys. poll time

just wanted to ask because from what i can tell the gf fandom doesn't really seem to have a general fandom-wide consensus on this ship. rbs would be appreciated!!! also feel free to elaborate in the tags which option you chose and why! i'd love to hear people's reasoning :-)

#personally i have super mixed feelings on billford #people sometimes boil down their relationship to “haha they fight like a divorced couple” and yeah it's an easy generalization but #i really hate when people skip over the aspects of their dynamic which are Fucked Up #like... bill was abusive and manipulative to ford from the start. and ford was fucking OBSESSED with him #and his time with bill left a lasting mark on him for years and years #that's not even including how bill fucking tortured ford during weirdmageddon #my point is they aren't HEALTHY. they never were #and i think the only way to do their relationship justice is to keep the unhealthy dynamic #while also acknowledging how fucked up it is #there isn't a single world where ford is normal about bill and vice versa #i don't necessarily mean that romantically tho because i don't really ship billford myself #i'm just observing from the sidelines as i take a bite out of my platonic stan twins and fiddauthor fanworks yk #ok this got long. #what i'm trying to say is their dynamic was fucked up as hell and it would stay like that even if they were gay 4 each other #anyways #ferret rambles #gravity falls #bill cipher #gf bill cipher #stanford pines #ford pines #grunkle ford #gf ford #billford #poll

[qroier]

spiderbit we'll meet again don't know where don't know when but I know we'll meet again some sunny day. spiderbit it's now or never come hold me tight kiss me my darling be mine tonight. and yeah you know what. spiderbit roier cubito on that boat pov as unknown/nth. for funsies and torture

#qsmp #spiderbit #roier #cellbit #speaking #i'm torturing myself at this point sorry #posts from me for me

[andromeda-observer]

So. Javi asks Shauna for the hunting knife for an art project, which results in one wooden wolf figure. side note holy SHIT is Javi good at wood carving I originally expected him to make more since he’s probably really bored like everyone else but now it seems like one wolf figure was on purpose. Is it a protector? Does it represent Shauna? What about Javi? I really, really want to believe that it’s to signify that Javi is a lone wolf and is okay and alive somewhere. I will die on this hill thank you very much 🥲 

I’d love to hear other theories!

#javi martinez #for travis he's gotta be alive #i think he's alive rn but will die at some point #so idk why i'm torturing myself lol #yellowjackets #shauna shipman

[fungisteri]

Having another one of those nights

#or well. more like have been for like a good few days now #I'm so fucking suicidal it's genuinely such torture and living with my family makes it so much worse #and what's worst is that I'm not going to kill myself either so what's the fucking point #my mental state has me completely immobilized other than trying to chat with my friends #and even then everything just reminds me of how much I hate myself and my family and my country #and like sure things are drastically better but I am physically capable of being fine as long as I live under this roof in this country #I want to die so fucking bad and I can't even do that. god. I'm so fucking useless #at least I don't hate myself as much. I guess that's something #fungi.doc #suicide #suicidal ideation

[greencheekconure27]

Past three days have been just misery and regretting my life choices and having writer's block when I really can't afford having writer's block right now.

Fuck this why can't I keep up stable amounts productivity like everyone else around me instead of having these wild swings.I mean I know why but also WHY?

God I'm so exhausted of pretending I'm normal and organized and put together.I'm starting to suspect it costs way less energy to actually be all those things than to pretend when you're not...me.

#undiagnosed adhd most likely #and by most likely i mean i'm 90% sure at this point #personal shit #ThiS close to bailing except i know that if i'll bail i'll wind up torturing myself for all eternity about it even if it isn't life or deat #writer's block #can't seem to finish a single thought on paper #venting #bad week #why are we like this brain #undiagnosed adhd #masking

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

shiny boy ✨✨

#love me some ice dragons #im trying to balance a more realistic style while keeping it flexible w/ exaggerateable faces #i think i'm finding the midway point? #im also trying to make my dragon designs a lil more complicated and dragon-y #dragons #my art #oc #original character #not-fish <3 #scribble salad #god if i ever come up with a plot this dude is gonna be the main chara for a book #or multiple books who knows not me #but i still have a ways to go before i get to that point #gotta construct the conlang and finalize the map and develop the different dragon cultures & dialects etc etc #bc if no one's gonna give me an unnecessarily detailed dragon book with zero humans involved #i'll fuckin do it myself #this dude's placeholder name is Stark bc i need to make the conlang before i come up with the dragon naming system #fuck and i also gotta cement the religions and AAAAAAAA #my idea of fun is torturing myself

[simsandgiggles]

I have a whole week off, so excited to veg out and play Sims... and I turn my old faithful laptop on this morning and it can no longer detect its own hard drive 🙃

Fingers crossed I can get the 2+ generations of Normal screenshots off of it or we'll have to find out how unhinged I get when I have to redo entire generations lmao

#Honestly it would be chaotically incredible maybe I should do it anyway #But also I like myself and what's the point of therapy if I'm just gonna torture myself in my free time #Non Sims

[elftwink]

the one fun thing about writing something longer than 10k or so words is once you get really frustrated with the specific part you’re working on and start being like ‘im a fraud im a sham ive never written anything’ you can just take a breather and scroll around 1000 words forward and be like. actually i’m so talented and cool and hot and this is going to be the best thing ever. this libreoffice document contains multitudes

#good idea generator #fic writing tag tba #yes this is about that fake married au i post about once every 3 months or so but never actually finish #sir thats my emotional support fic i started in 2019 that i'm most of the way finished with #but cannot for the life of me polish off the last few thousand words #but that document is always open. every day it's me and caleb widogast against the world #actually its me against caleb widowgast. writing from that man's perspective feels like wringing water from a rock sometimes #i do feel bad posting about this wip because its been. multiple years. and i don't want to continually give the impression #that i might post it Tomorrow. Soon. idfk that yknow especially given how everything has been in the last few years #but like also at this point it is hard to understate the emotional attachment i have to working on this fic and talking about it 2 myself #this thing is a monster. it has like six documents. varying stages of draft saved. alternate scenes documents. alternate perspective bits #multiple outlines. a playlist. a poem that fits it #most of the random npcs who exist to move the plot along got full backstories to the point where i could play them as dnd pcs #it's the longest work of fiction ive ever written. bc ive been working on it on and off for so long a lot of milestones #were completed while writing this fic. idk its been so long its almost embarrassing to be like 'still working on it' #but i couldn't give it up if i tried. you know. this fic is like a lover to me. it is my everything #it's my mortal enemy it's my best friend it's my shoulder to cry on it's my fine china to throw against the wall #i escape to it. i need to escape from it. i'm tortured by it. its tortured by me. i bemoan it day in and day out #i wish id never started writing it. i wish i could experience writing it all again. i want to be done yesterday. i never want to finish #etc. you get the picture

[buticanfixhim]

My brain has taken reading books as a coping mechanism this time because music has stopped working atp and 2023 is about to be another 2020 for me

#except idk if I'll be able to survive this time #the last time i took something as coping mechanism was music which was during the start of 2020 and i was in depression #and it feels the same bc tge mental torture my father is putting me through #and i don't want to go back in that headspace again bc that was the worst part of me #like I'm scared and terrified of that part of myself #and it feels like a repeat telecast of how i entered 2020 at this point #and I'm having daily migraines which is again a sign of stress #need to talk to mom but she gives me the worst reaction when i mentioned the 's' word #dni

[beskad]

.

Ok, maybe this is a dumb take, but I've always thought if you could be moved emotionally (maybe even to tears) by fiction: it is (or at least can be) an indicator of your ability to empathize/emotionally connect with a story or characters. Yes, they're fictional, but they're stand-ins for the human experience????

And yeah, if you're crying at every single adverse experience ever that a fictional character encounters, maybe that's something to kinda squint at like r u ok, but like, for example

If the literal animal cruelty in guardians of the galaxy 3 makes you cry for the absolute torment this fictional creature is undergoing moves you to tears (particularly if it can also serve as an emotional stand-in for being tortured and detested and looked down on by the very people who created us i.e. pare ts???)

1. that's the point? That's why it was written that way??

And 2. It's not a bad or silly thing that you're affected emotionally?? That is actually a good thing if you feel something????

I'm tired of my bf laughing at me when I tear up at a movie or a book, and telling me "it's just a story" when I'm like "but it's sad!!! it's easy for me to imagine that pain and it makes me sad for them even though I know it's just a story"

I can't believe I've put up with this for as long as I have. What the fuck.

He says he's "just too logical" for "that stuff." and I can feel the annoyance/tiredness/disdain/"oh this again" when I get emotional, to the point where I don't watch things around him that I know might make me cry

It didn't even crystalize for me until tonight. Because I realized my friend's reaction to noticing me crying at something that hit hard was to hold my hand. And his is to roll his eyes

#I'm over his total lack of empathy #Like I'm literally not allowed to repeat something (about MYSELF! MY OWN LIFE) more than like twice before he LITERALLY WAVES ME OFF #tbd probably #I'm so fuckin annoyed #because he came through the living room at one point while i was watching #and he deliberately didn't acknowledge or speak to me because i was openly crying #because rocket was LITERALLY BEING TORTURED

[tardis--dreams]

That fun game called 'do i actually need pain killers or am i overdramatic' where i am in an amount of pain that exceeds the normal amount of pain but does not reach the lying-immobilized-on-the-floor amount of pain and have to decide whether i can afford a small amount of pain medication or if i should restrain myself just a bit more

#kitten I'm not gonna lie daddy is about to take an ibuprofen as the pain has been bothering him more than usually #idk I'm just saying things at this point #we are ✨️uncomfortable✨️ we are ✨️dissatisfied✨️ we are ✨️tired✨️ we are ✨️not enjoying being alive✨️ #why do i feel like i deserve this lmao #like yeah you should feel bad actually #fucking suffer #(me a few years ago fainting 18 times a day not even considering there might be a reason for that other than #✨️moral failure✨️ needing to be cured by more exercise (leading to more fainting ahaha) but same same #i guess i know the reason now but i like to torture myself apparently)) #anyway #shut up amy #void screams

[running-in-the-dark]

I just wrote all of this in the tags because I feel like my thoughts don't matter and I shouldn't make anyone read them but no, I'll write it in a post instead.

I just had a really fun realisation (that was sarcasm)

it doesn't matter what name I go by - as soon as I start associating a name with myself/identifying with it, it feels gross.

I thought it was because I associate my real name with mainly negative memories (and also because of gender stuff)

but no. even when it's something that only my friends call me, something that's only been used in a positive context. even when it's something silly like a username or tumblr url. as soon as it starts feeling like 'me' it's bad.

if I hear or read or think about any of those names/usernames, I feel nauseous. I feel afraid. I feel disgusting. the name doesn't matter because *I* am disgusting and bad.

so that's great. and I don't know what to do about it. guess I should write this down for my psychiatrist appointment (because if I don't I will forget but the problem won't go away)

no name no pronouns please pretend I do not exist 🙃

#literally it's so fucked up. my niece used my name today and I just felt this wave of disgust and like.. shame? #my friend used the name I use online and I felt like I wanted to puke. I love you please don't use my name I'm disgusting please don't #address me it'll make you realise I'm bad. somehow #the concept of me as a person is so repulsive to me that I can't think about myself without feeling like I should dig a hole and bury #myself in it #fun! I thought these thoughts were getting better for a while! but nope they're worse than ever before! please kill me haha I'm joking #but seriously this feels like torture and I don't know what I did to deserve this #I can't even be here anymore. it feels tainted. it feels like people have gotten to know me and its getting to close to the inevitable #point when you will all realise how bad and horrible I sm #this stupid website has really helped me over the years and now it feels like I am not allowed to be here anymore and i don't know how to #cope with that #anyway. I'm fine blah blah blah goodnight #personal #*too. of course I made a fucking typo because I'm bad etc

[shrews-things]

Went home to Transylvania for a week, the plane ride was the prettiest ever!!!! :0

#those are the nyugati Kárpátok!! #and it was all so clear that at some point we could see through the whole Kárpát-medence!!! and see the mountains on the other side too #I'm so glad I got to sit by a window #I never reserve specific seats so it's up to luck gdkdhfkdh #it's nice to be home #I've missed the people here so much #but now I miss Vini so terribly much #I'm not complaining since it's not a bad feeling #it's so full of love #just #it can never be good enough huh? #feels a little torturous to love people in such different places #I want all of them to myself and I don't ever want to choose

[andthebeanstalk]

Happy to report I'm no longer responding to the religious people on my posts! Apologies to anyone who may have taken the psychic damage of seeing that unexpectedly!

It had been a while since I had purposely kicked a metaphorical wasp nest so I guess I was overdue. I am simply a sexy fool. 🙄 I do it a lot less nowadays tho, which is good!

I did genuinely set out at first to get information about how Catholics reconcile certain paradoxes within their faith, and then I was like oh right oh no I just remembered why I stopped doing this

On the upside I DID actually learn a lot; even if part of what I learned was don't tag Catholic tumblr in your posts about Catholicism, Jack. (Listen. I'm a work in progress! 😅)

And now I am very dedicated to putting a priest in my graphic novel who fucks a demon. Which I was going to draw anyway, so I might as well make it work with the story. For art. And penises.

Anyway, I hear the song "Godsend" by Trebuchet and I go a little bit insane in a good way. It's like if Supernatural was good and also a song. I'd really like to capture that energy in my work. There's also this song called "the queer gospel" that I love very much, which is about the inherent holiness of queerness and queer community regardless of if there's a god. (I actually made a burlesque routine for that song once, and more than one person said it made them cry happy tears! Which is a hell of a point of pride for me! AND a hell of a point of Pride!)

*okay if someone sends me an anonymous message that makes me laugh out loud and not feel rancid, then I will answer it if it brings me joy and I have a funny response. I will tag it accordingly and then block that person as soon as they stop being funny. But I'm good on debate and philosophy now. I got my answer. I had forgotten what those answers looked like. But I am grateful for (and moderately horrified by) the reminder. Please see the tags for an explanation of my new favorite phrase involving a man, heliocentrism, and one very hot piece of wood~

#Catholicism tw #Christianity cw #religious trauma #original #diary #I included that little addendum because at some point someone sent me a message that included the sentence #'I am Galileo being burned at the stake!' and I have not been able to get that phrase out of my mind. I'm not sure why they said it #and I'm not sure how ironic they were being and I'm not sure they know that Galileo was not burned at the stake #he was put on house arrest and threatened with torture. and considering that this persecution was done by a -fairly prominent organization- #it was kind of wild to bring up out of context. Galileo burned at the steak! after leading France against the witch trials!! #I need to allow myself the ability to respond to a message like that because every time I've had a quiet moment today my brain is like #I AM GALILEO BEING BURNED AT THE STAKE #and then I giggle imagining someone just bringing that phrase into any number of situations and with no lead up #stubbing my toe like #I AM GALILEO. BURNED AT THE STAKE FOR MY WHORISH SINS. WOE! WOE UNTO ME! #it must be one of those phrases that fits into an accidental poetic meter #like a Shakespeare Sonnet. 'and if you no longer my true love should take. then i am Galileo. burned at the stake!' #again I cannot emphasize enough that I have no idea if they were saying I'm acting like Galileo or they're saying they are Galileo? #or even how science came up at all since that wasn't really what we were talking about? #and I think that's the beauty of it. at the end of the day I think we're ALL Galileo burned at the stake #i don't care if you don't know the minutiae of history but i AM gonna roast you for using Galileo as an example in support of the Church #and for sending me fully incoherent messages. galileo didn't die at the stake for this! he died for our sins! which i am if anything #FURTHER away from understanding than i was yesterday #but i got more than i needed.