#at least i was actually home this time... lost my grandma in dec 2019 and i was an hour away from her on the way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tobethinnnxx · 5 years

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My 2019:

Hey. So I know nobody will probably actually care but I haven’t told a soul any of this & just need it out there.

I have battled an Ed my whole life, but on Dec 2018 it was extremely intensified. My mother made me homeless, threw all my things onto the road while I was on holidays for them to sit there until I picked them up. Refused to speak to me, abused me, made me out to be a drug addict because she found out I smoked pot. (I am 20 & don’t smoke at the house).

I had no friends I could lean on for support or stay with & my boyfriends mother is crazy so that wasn’t an option either. I had to move in with my grandma and uncle. Doesn’t sound too bad yeah? Except I slept on a living room floor, constantly getting yelled at for nothing, getting used and abused, having my own food stolen from me, having my own money stolen out of my wallet by my own family, OH & they’re batshit fucking mental. Then things got worse, I pretty much lost my job. I had no income. I started forgetting about food, I was too stressed too care.

I started having a “minor” drug problem. I wasn’t smoking weed anymore, put popping as many pharmaceuticals as I could get my hands on for weeks at a time. My nan has chronic pains & is prescribed way too many pain meds so the access was easy. I started eating any benzo or oxy I could find, anything that would take the edge off. I just wanted to die.

Then I noticed it. This pit in my stomach. I hadn’t eaten in at least 4 days & i’d never looked better. I can’t remember ever seeing my stomach so flat, or my collar bones so inward. I was obsessed. It was like a game, I told myself I didn’t have an ed. How could you have an ed you’re fat? It’s just for the fun, it’s just to see how much you can lose, it’s just to see if you can finally become the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to me. But that’s where I was so wrong. Those thoughts start controlling your life. Every time something is put in my mouth i have to think about it. I only eat at certain times because they’re the best times to use the bathroom after eating, I even look at other girls and see their “potential” for if they started my life. HOW FUCKED IS THAT??

It became a game with myself, how many days could you go without eating before it became too much? My record was 6.5, six & a half days of pure bliss. But now it’s harder. Mum wanted me to come home to clear her own guilt. She saw me THREE months after kicking me out & saw I had lost 30 kilos, the cuts and burns up my arms couldn’t be hidden no matter how hard I tried & she needed me home to fill her own guilty conscience because she knew what I’d do next.

Now they’re watching me like a hawk, acting as if they give a fuck about my mental health when they made me homeless over a fucking joint. My parents are constantly around the bathroom when I go in there because they believe the only form of an ed is making yourself throw up. Well bold of them to assume I’ve eaten at all. You’d think if they really cared about my “ed” they would of noticed I haven’t eaten in three days?

So to sum things up, the year of 2019 has given me: crippling depression, a drug addiction I’m still battling to get away from, crazy parents, no trust in anyone including myself, and an overwhelming ed that consumes every minute of my life and absolutely nothing fucking else

Bless up

#ana #anorexia #suicide #cut #depression #failure #fat #ed #eating disorder #thinspo #my story #bulimia #purge #starve

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