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#at least i didnt have any auditory hallucinations this time
queerriver-styx · 3 years
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so i went for like a 10 min walk yesterday cause i was so fucking bored and thought it would help me sleep better. but nooooooooo i come back and have ptsd attack. didn’t sleep till 3 am woke up a t 7:30 then again at 10 am it is now noon im groggy and my upper body hurts from the walk. make it make sense.
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yomcloud · 2 years
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Thats it, at this point im just going to put down that, yeah the body indeed has psychosis or psychotic symptoms because holy fuck wdym all this shit isnt normal and it doesnt seem to be headmate specific, though certain headmates do experience it stronger than others (cough 🔸maple and 💥aubery /lh)
[long post so just going to put the rest under here]
[oh uh delusions tw and things adjacent i think?]
like, we keep believing random ghost people are standing around the room and we attentionally avoid those areas to "not disturb them" (and some of us leave out things for them for some reason), 🔸maple keeps believing a dog person that uses he/him pronouns follows him around when fronting (and no its def not a headmate), some shit about our body's old home's water being cursed so we avoid it as much as we could, not to mention i have experienced several times of feeling random things touching the body and literally hallucinated headmates doing horrible shit to me in the headspace only to find out hours later that it wasnt real and they didnt actually hurt me, like there has been an instance of me seeing actual 🎻Sunny and a hallucination of 🎻Sunny in the headspace and both talking to me and the hallucination trying to convince me it was the real one. It hurts me fucking head remembering that disaster.
The only way I could tell what was "the real one" and not is like, at least for us, hallucinations voices tend to be a whole lot more louder and vile, tending to say bad things and feel lifeless. Headmates are quieter and we can sense life in them. Like, you can feel their presence and emotions. they feel human. and even then when during an episode we usually just cant think and just cant decipher anything.
Most of our symptoms seem to just manifest into either phantom touch, delusions, and sometimes visual and auditory hallucinations mostly in the headspace, but sometimes does happen outside.
Im also remembering 🥀bazei saying things on how nothing felt real as we kept experiencing extreme dejavu like we can predict the future and stuff, and 💥aubery keeps feeling like people are following some script and that shes some sort of laughing stock that doesn't have that script.
and a bunch of other symptoms, especially with when 🔸maple fronts. some of us even went dormant for a bit because some symptoms were so bad and needed a rest (dw they're all back and doing better)
gosh like, I'm just going to say we have it, not like we have any access to getting help and whats been going on sounds closes to psychosis, schizophrenia, or at least schizo-spec or something idk. this shit is definitely not normal and we are not well </3
-🚩Kelsifer [they/them]
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Submission tagged Coffee Addict
It’s okay if it takes a while for a reply I think I just need to vent. I’m off my meds (they made me so anxious and nauseous it was awful) and I haven’t seen my psych in months. My mom had a psychotic episode and went missing for five days only to show up naked at a neighbor’s. She’d already been unfairly sanctioned less than two months before so she refused to go back to the mental facility and–surprise–that’s where I went too. So she didn’t trust them anymore and I had to say goodbye to my mental health care after missing my last two appts for the same reason. I wasn’t mad at first. My last conversation with my psych was normal–he upped by dose, asked about seeing/hearing things, the usual. I was only on anti-psychotics nothing for anxiety and I was trying to see if he’d give me something and I was about to leave when I remembered ‘oh yeah, hey doc, I really want to gouge my eyes out sometimes. It’s so strong sometimes I just feel my eyeballs to figure out how I’d do it’ and I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal. I’d had the feeling for almost a year itd come and go and I obvs hadnt done anything yet. He made me get my mom (before the sanctioning incident) and sat her down with me to explain to her about the eye thing. Apparently its not that uncommon and with my family’s mental history and my own psychosis he wanted to make sure someone knew to get me help if I needed to go to the hospital. He asked me about mirrors bc schizophrenics who want to gouge out their eyes are normally also scared of mirrors and my mom was in the room and I didn’t want to admit that I think they’re a portal to another dimension. So I havent seen him since and i really miss him we didnt have long together but he genuinely listened to and believed me and I really think I just need that now. My family situation is so screwed up we couldn’t afford the meds even if we could afford the appts. With my meds gone my anxiety is normal again but the depression is back and Ive honestly come close to ending it three times in the past 3-4months. I just feel adrift. Im seeing stuff as always and hearing things but ive just gone back to ignoring everything like I used to instead of taking notes for my psych. the eye thing has gotten better and when I do feel the urge it isnt as strong as it was on abilify. rispirdome made my psychosis worse and now I think the abiify was too. I wouldnt mind going back on abilify as long as i had something for anxiety and ive already made up my mind if i ever get to see a psych again ill tell them exactly that. i dont want to stop seeing and hearing things tho if you can believe it. when my depression went away i felt lost but when my visions faded? i felt like i lost an arm. or my eyes. i was there to get a diagnosis for just what my psychosis was and now i feel like ill never find out whats wrong with me. i get tactile visual and auditory things, the eye thing was the only delusion i told him about. the relationship was very new and i didnt want to reveal how crazy i was just yet. now ill never get the chance. i just feel so alone and i dont know what to do with myself. at least im not disassociating 24/7 anymore.
Hi lovely,
I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with anxiety and psychosis, I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I think it’s great that you have reached out for help though, that’s such a positive step towards recovery! Hopefully I’ll be able to give you a little advice to make things a bit easier for you. 
I am not a professional, so cannot diagnose you in any way, but there are a couple of things I want to point out. Firstly, hallucinations can be caused by many things, such as a side effect of medication, a lack of sleep and nutrition, and of course mental illness. You mention that you struggle with anxiety - anxiety can cause psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations, so there is the possibility that you are not struggling with psychosis, just a severe anxiety disorder. I really recommend that you go to your doctor about this, as they will be able to discuss properly with you the possible causes and treatments for what you are experiencing. The other things is concerning your medication - because everybody’s bodies work differently, medication can be really tricky, because one medication will not work the same for lots of people. This means that it can take a lot of trial and error before you find a medication which is right and effective for you; there are many different medications that you can try that your body will likely react better to. Again, this is something to discuss with your doctor, and remember that it may take a while before you find the best course of treatment, but there will be something you can try that will work better for you - please don’t give up!
Something that may help you to separate your hallucinations from your daily life, is journaling. You could write about your hallucinations in as much detail as you wanted so then you have a permanent and clear picture of your hallucinations. You could also try writing only about the things you know are real; this could help you to keep a clearer idea of what is real and what is a hallucination and may make recognising the hallucinations easier. Anything that can help you stay more in touch with reality is really useful, so along with journaling, it might be useful for you to keep some grounding techniques in mind that you could use whenever you are beginning to hallucinate. We have a page about grounding techniques here; I would recommend something physical like running your hands under ice cold water or counting out the change in your purse, or even something like jumping up and down on the spot. Grounding techniques help to bring your focus away from the hallucination and back to reality. Is this something you feel like you could try? I am also going to link you to our self-help and calming pages about anxiety. These pages have some great tips about dealing with anxious thoughts.
You are not alone or crazy, lovely! It is completely normal to not want your hallucinations to go away - our symptoms become such big parts of our lives, that losing them can be really hard; just try to remember that them going means that you are getting better, and you always come first! Mental illness does definitely not mean you are crazy, it just means that you are struggling right now - but you can get help and live a happy and successful life. Is it possible for you to begin seeing your therapist again? If not, and if money is a concern for you, maybe web counselling would be a helpful and affordable option?
I hope this has been of some help to you, lovely. Please remember that we are always here for you, so don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is anything else we can help you with! 
Please take care,
Rhiann xo
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bpdkipland · 7 years
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literally do them all lmao For the strawberry: a lizard person, a little gray alien, an orb, and the Burger King himself For mr horse: ur opinion on the Charmin toilet paper bears
thank you so much anon fuc ily 
🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone? 
yikes startin out w a hard one then um when i was a kid i had such a stressful emotional time that it caused me to wet the bed until i was like 12 or 13? it was fuct up 
💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? 
probs my crush or my friend jacob bc he gives gr8 hugs ♥♥
🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why? 
Lugia bc when i was little i had a card that was all holographic and it had lugia on it. i never really got super into pokemon lol 
🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like? 
oh god it would be a mess 
👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had? 
honestly the only one coming to mind is the one i had as a kid where this creature opened up its head and ate my sister and im still scared of going outside in the dark to this day bc of it 
☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend? 
i have multiple best friends but theyre mostly all there for me whenever i need them? like one time jacob drove from the other side of town to give me earbuds bc i had lost mine 
😘 talk about your crush or partner 
GOD my crush is a literal angel???? like????? hoy fuk i love her so much she’s so sweet and kind and caring and she just radiates light and love and i got to kiss her on new years ♥♥♥♥
💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back? 
depends on HOW rude they were. like,... i was nice to my ex for so long lol 
🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!) 
i like my nose, freckles, and the fact that im Nice
🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it? 
well its being abandoned by everyone i love and guess what thats starting to happen and im coping lmao
🎁 what never fails to make you happy? 
this video
💙 what annoys you about some people? 
if they chew with their fockin mouth open i die 
😤 do you get angry easily? 
nope i actually am pretty slow to anger lol 
🐇 what do you always daydream about? 
do intrusive thoughts of people coming on to me count 
🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change? 
well no offense but republicans would be illegal. sent off to an island not allowed to communicate with the rest of the world lol, strawberries would be in season year round, and weed would be legal bc i cant think of anything else 
🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry? 
kiss: orb ♥♥befriend: lizard person kill: k i l l t h e b o r g (burger king) marry: gray alien 
✈️ what is your dream city and why? 
ive not been to any good cities so i dont know 
☕️ talk about your ideal day 
hanging out with all my friends, they dont all hate each other, we all watch movies in a big cuddle puddle and im in the middle of it ♥♥
🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert? 
definitely an ambivert. 
💧 when was the last time you cried? 
fuck????? i dont remember???? my eyes welled up yesterday does that count 
🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment 
in no particular order: 1. Come On Eileen 2. Insomnia (by Dirty Heads) 3. Birdhouse in Your Soul4. Ana Ng5. Moving On (by James)
⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why? 
pyrokinesis so i can light all abusers on fire lol 
💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say? 
Listen, kid, there’s a reason you hate yourself and there’s a reason you wanna die all the time but lemme tell you, it ain’t worth it. those hospital stays aren’t worth it. you might not believe it but you’re over 250 days clean! didn’t think you’d make it this far, huh? you also made it to 18 years of age. you’re gonna be okay, kid. 
💚 who are you jealous of and why? 
myself when i’m in a nice mood bc like??? shut yo nice ass up 
💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why? 
bravery honestly. i have reasons but i dont have words for the reasons rn 
🙊 what are you ashamed of? 
um that secret i told the fuck
🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn? 
i know English and tiny bits of French and i’d love to become fluent in French and Italian? 
🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be? 
i wanna be best friends with mike wazowski 
☁️ talk about your dream universe. 
???????
💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today? 
it’s a bit late but did do some dishes for my mom cleaned off my desk so i could start painting again :> 
🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why? 
new c/r/yptid: Lance Cube.
🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike 
y’know when ur eyes just start crying when the rest of u is fine?? like wow i didnt know i was supposed to be emotional but ig???? 
😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately 
i’m anxious because my doctors office isnt giving my medical records to the michigan works people im working with so they cant open a case for me, making it so they cant help me find a job bc of my mental illnesses 
   🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?
 i wanted to be a veterinarian but now i wanna be a zookeeper 
🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods? 
i loooove peach rings and sour patch kids and !!!! strawberry shortcake 
🍑 what are you obsessed with? 
animal crossing tbh i love it so much 
💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed? 
i get auditory hallucinations and i just start crying no matter what stressed mood im in. angry stressed? crying. happy stressed? crying. anxious stressed? crying 
😪 what are you sick of? 
having kidney disease??? ?
🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker? 
i mean? sometimes? but yall gotta talk me into going on roller coasters 
💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have? 
red beet eggs are my LIFE if i could eat them daily i would die, peppers are fucking gross, and tea is fucking gross unless its Tea 
☔️ would you consider yourself a good person? 
i like to think i am a good person? 
😊 what do you like to do as hobbies? 
draw & sing!!!! 
🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself? 
You Ain’t No Saint by Aaron West and The Roaring Twenties 
🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?
I’m annoying. I plan on improving it by shutting my ass up 
 🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?
i draw people and eyes mainly. and the occasional hand 
🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams? 
i’m too shy and bisexual for this 
🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you? 
fuck i dont remember i just know i have the same one as Fox Mulder and thats why it fits me lmao
🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite! 
...u didnt give me 3 ppl.... 
👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why? 
mothman because he’s my boyfriend 
🐴 opinion on __? (Charmin Toilet Paper Bears) 
they wipe my ass for me 
🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person? 
i used to be. now im not so sure. 
📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them. 
yall i’ve only read 3 books 
😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?
i usually mope around and sleep a lot. it doesnt help usually. 
😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad? 
Death Anxiety 
🌍 which country do you live in? 
USA! 
🐧 describe yourself in 3 words 
needy, petty, and damaged 
🐵 which quotes changed you? 
“What’s your Fursona” - @thebpdevil“Your job is to break death’s heart” 
💭 do you keep a diary? 
I keep a bullet journal!! i think thats kinda similar 
💫 who inspires you? 
honestly my dad??? but also idk :/ 
👻 do you believe in ghosts and why? 
hell YES because i am one
🎀 what’s your fashion sense like? 
department store clearance section & band merch 
🎬 what are some of your favourite films? 
Heathers, Taken, Girl Interrupted, and if u watch the OA in one shot it counts as a movie i’m counting it 
🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory? 
Throwing mashed potatoes at my sister. 
🐱 what’s your dream pet like? 
Cat snake (ferret) who loves to cuddle and doesnt bite :-) 
🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be? 
probably???? um???? Patrick Stump or Pete Wentz honestly. 
HOO THIS WAS FUN AND IT TOOK OVER AN HOUR TO DO THANK YOU 
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dmellieon · 7 years
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So i worked with veterans for a few years.
To me, John is absolutely reminiscent of a lot of the… slightly scarier vets? 
Like he absolutely is hyper vigilant
Like… people only picture that as like scared and eyes darting all over the place, panicky, but … it also manifests in a much… slower… more deliberate way of looking around. Walking into a room and taking a quick scan of it to pick out the best way to escape, the most likely looking people to start trouble, mood of the room so you know if you need to play it cool.
So he walks through the door, quick glare at everyone, then a forced smile as he loosens his posture and plays it cool. But the SECOND anything starts turning he isn’t remotely startled, just moves right towards that stack of beer bottles he noticed on his way in, palms it and positions himself where he needs to be in order to take someone out. When the situation cools he’s reluctant to put the bottle down, but he does it anyways. Either spends the rest of the evening hovering near the bottles or else purposely stays away from them, while being incredibly aware of how far away they are.
JOhn’s the type of vet that seems pretty much to be fine, but his family will say hes secretive and more intense than he used to be. 
John is the kind that stays completely calm and quiet while someone yells at him, but everything in the set of his jaw and the way he’s shifted his balance, screams out silently ‘please give me a reason, any reason, you have no idea who you’re picking a fight with’
i ADORE john but anytime i see a fic where he is nothing but sweet and understanding, all i can think is how much, to me, JOhn is playing the role of a civilian. He knows how to do it, and most people probably think he plays it flawlessly. 
(((sorry mycroft, you have no idea what you’re talking about. PTSD manifests in a lot of ways, and John’s particular version isn’t even rare)) 
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Text
So i worked with veterans for a few years.
To me, John is absolutely reminiscent of a lot of the… slightly scarier vets? 
Like he absolutely is hyper vigilant
Like… people only picture that as like scared and eyes darting all over the place, panicky, but … it also manifests in a much… slower… more deliberate way of looking around. Walking into a room and taking a quick scan of it to pick out the best way to escape, the most likely looking people to start trouble, mood of the room so you know if you need to play it cool.
So he walks through the door, quick glare at everyone, then a forced smile as he loosens his posture and plays it cool. But the SECOND anything starts turning he isn’t remotely startled, just moves right towards that stack of beer bottles he noticed on his way in, palms it and positions himself where he needs to be in order to take someone out. When the situation cools he’s reluctant to put the bottle down, but he does it anyways. Either spends the rest of the evening hovering near the bottles or else purposely stays away from them, while being incredibly aware of how far away they are.
JOhn’s the type of vet that seems pretty much to be fine, but his family will say hes secretive and more intense than he used to be. 
John is the kind that stays completely calm and quiet while someone yells at him, but everything in the set of his jaw and the way he’s shifted his balance, screams out silently ‘please give me a reason, any reason, you have no idea who you’re picking a fight with’
i ADORE john but anytime i see a fic where he is nothing but sweet and understanding, all i can think is how much, to me, JOhn is playing the role of a civilian. He knows how to do it, and most people probably think he plays it flawlessly. 
(((sorry mycroft, you have no idea what you’re talking about. PTSD manifests in a lot of ways, and John’s particular version isn’t even rare)) 
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