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#aspd thoughts
maybe-an-aspd-angel · 7 days ago
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But will I ever though? Constantly just stuck in a weird limbo.
Never able to fully commit or be passionate about something. Always this strange feeling in your chest that you can’t pin point exactly. Yet always watching from the outside.
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maybe-an-aspd-angel · 7 days ago
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I got used to only taking care of myself.
Only learning to protect myself.
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esthete-god · 7 days ago
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People around me: *exist*
Me: you are not terribly important to me
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dreamerinthefog · 7 days ago
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.
I often take the decay of relationships very hard. I feel the decay of time maybe even less so.
Worse yet, I long for clearer communication. I feel like as I get older and interact with people, ASPD has become worse? Or maybe I'm just starting to realize more that I'm a shit person? Or maybe that there are more things that I don't understand about people or empathize with than I had previously thought.
One feeling I have is that, as I've begun to explore that part of me, it feels like that's all there is to me. I feel like everyone knows I'm lying and I'm losing friends?acquaintances? over my inability to communicate or understand their concerns.
Also, in my attempts to be a 'good friend' I've driven people off by seeming too 'thirsty' for contact. I try to say hello or do check ins and I feel like maybe people hate that? But how else would they know I care about them? Or our relationship? People are confusing and generally I just think I'm not fitting in with this world. I can't seem to communicate with others in a way that's entertaining or inspires them to talk to me first.
Do people I meet dread talking to me?
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maybe-an-aspd-angel · 11 days ago
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Marriage and relationships are so hard to deal with. So draining and pointless.
Kudos to whoever can survive it I guess.
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apsychopathslog · 11 days ago
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Ok I need to say something that I will probably get hate for
I get the increased visibility on people with ASPD not being inherently bad. I’m one of those people. I want everyone to know that no, having ASPD does not make you a bad person. 
However, I feel like this has been spun to a very wild extreme. I’ve seen an influx of recent posts saying that only the people with ASPD who fit NT’s perception of ‘nice’ and ‘good’ people count, and that the others are just fakers and bad people. This isn’t really a fair representation of people with aspd. 
By nature, we are antisocial. No, that doesn’t mean we are murderous assholes and gaslighting manipulators, but people need to appreciate and accept that we are symptomatic. 
People are trying to pretend, at the moment, that those with aspd act, feel, and behave in a similar way to NTs, and therefore are worthy. But we have symptoms. No, I don’t think of myself as a bad person, but I am symptomatic of my personality disorder. People have taken our attempt to redeem ourselves to a wild extreme in perceiving and accepting us as their version of ‘good’ people and expelling everyone who they see as ‘bad’ which, tbh, are the ones who actually display symptoms of aspd.
What we need to do is just cut out all the extremes and accept people with ASPD for what they are. Let’s stop saying that we’re all evil and gaslighting manipulators, and let’s stop saying that only the morally unambiguous and those who try to be perfectly ‘good’ are worthy of your support. Because that’s not realistic. Can we just start portraying us as we are, instead of flitting between the dramatics of evil manipulators and perfect angels because that does not accurately portray us, and it doesn’t help those who are struggling with it. If I was wondering if I had aspd and I came here, I would feel much worse, rather than enlightened.
So, please, from someone with aspd, can we begin by accepting those with ASPD for what we are, rather than try to pretend that we are either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ with no middle ground.
(I also need to say that I’m not excusing abuse in the slightest. I’m not ok with it and I’m not saying we need to accept it)
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urnmom · 12 days ago
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do any other people with aspd + npd get accused of flirting when they mask? im finding that when im just trying to engage in playful banter or pretend that i care about peoples problems that people begin to think i like them romantically. ive also been told i look/seem "perfect"
via 🔺
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apsychopathslog · 13 days ago
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Day 21
There’s been a lot going around recently about ASPD and our ‘complete disregard for others’ and whether we care about people, so today I wanted to explain this from my own experience.
I think people are naturally able to care for others. People with cluster b disorders, primarily ASPD, don’t naturally do this. It’s not like we squash others to succeed, though. I think that’s a huge misconception.
It’s more like I don’t form emotional connections to others, so while I can’t share your joy over a new relationship or a work promotion, I can still recognise that this is something positive in your life and applaud you for that. If a friend ends a relationship or loses a job, I recognise that this is something bad in your life and I can alter what I do or say to reflect that I recognise your suffering.
Whether or not I care about people is interesting to define. I would say I have cognitive care for my friends. I’m not impacted by my friends doing well or badly in life. I don’t feel happy or sad about it. It probably doesn’t flash in my radar at all. But I will still remember to ask how a friend’s date or meeting went and what the outcome is. I want my friends to do well and to succeed and be happy in life, but it doesn’t effect me in any way if they don’t.
NTs have given me and a lot of other people with ASPD, NPD, and other cluster b disorders shit for this, but what people have to remember is that we can’t help it. Every cluster b disorder involves an impaired ability to connect with others on an emotional level. We don’t get to choose whether we feel happy or sad for others, but it in no way means we don’t want those we are close with to succeed and do well. So long as my friend’s success does not come at my expense, I very much want them to do well. But I can’t, by nature, empathise or form an emotional connection to it.
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maybe-an-aspd-angel · 13 days ago
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- And sometimes I just need a moment where
I can shout to the rooftops whatever I want without people getting sensitive, and having to be to touchy with my words so it doesn’t hurt their feelings.
Thennn you never hear the end of it on some occasions. It’s exhausting and so irritating.
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maybe-an-aspd-angel · 13 days ago
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Sometimes, nothing soothes that agitation. The fuse is so short. Fuck, contain it please.
You just want silence.
Just you and your thoughts. Peace and judgment from no one one else.
A place where I am my own worst critic and I can decide my limits.
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