Tumgik
#aspd things
Text
Tumblr media
25K notes · View notes
divinerapturesys · 6 months
Text
Welcome to my Ted Talk about AsPD, or Antisocial Personality Disorder, which the internet likes to coin as sociopath 👌🏻 if you don’t like long infodumps about stigmatized mental disorders from someone who is diagnosed, move on.
Quick toxic rundown: People with AsPD are generally characterized as emotionless, violent, manipulative abusers who kill animals and like to make other people their bitches. The biggest pet peeve we have is the emotionless, sadistic and abusive generalization.
Personally, we are highly neurotic, with highs and lows of: depression, frantic drive, self abuse tactics, chronic fear, lapses of rejection, overwhelming over-analyzation, grey area thinking, false goods and false bads, ultimatums, obsessive compulsive behavior, harsh self demands, and irritability.
AsPD is a disorder that is caused primarily (according to current research) by trauma and abuse in childhood; most notably being emotional neglect and absent caregivers that cause a child to have emotional shutdowns and repression episodes in an attempt to self soothe. Primary caregivers who do not bond with their children are also a factor. Children learn how to behave from those around them. If a primary caregiver is emotionally distant and unavailable, children will learn that is normal behavior and that’s how people are. If a primary caregiver does not provide empathy and sympathy during moments of distress and fear, children will learn that aloofness and disregard of others feelings is normal behavior. If a primary caregiver does not keep a child safe, children will learn that they should not prioritize their own safety or the safety of others. You can find my follow up post regarding this here.
Neglected and abused children often act out trying to get attention and help, often acting out in bad ways because they lack the ability to articulate what they’re feeling and what is happening to them. The pipeline for AsPD typically is: Oppositional Defiance Disorder as a child, Conduct Disorder as a teen, AsPD as an adult. There are a lot of warning signs cueing that AsPD is becoming a risk for development, but often kids do not have a support system to help negate it as it’s their support system that is usually a factor in its creation.
Being AsPD is like being an emotional La Croix 70% of the time. If you’re depressed, then it’s like someone in the other room has depression and is telling you about it. The other 30% of the time, if you’re depressed, your brain doesn’t understand how to handle it so it’s an ultimatum between doing something drastic to remove the Trigger or ignoring and dissociating for days on end.
People with AsPD are very good at ignoring things. Honestly it’s problematic as fuck but it’s not hard to ignore major issues when you just, don’t care. It’s not in the terms of being cruel or making ourselves not care, but the fact that finding the emotional willpower is so far out of our feasible reach we don’t do it. This causes us to piss people off because we don’t have the capacity to care as much as they want us to, even if we can and do to an extent.
Think of it this way: empathy/sympathy is a deep tub of water that everyone has. They can easily fill their measuring cup for the needed amount of empathy without any issues and it’s easy for them. People with AsPD don’t have a tub of water. We have shallow skillet. When we try to dip our cup to fill it, we can’t, it always comes up short and it is difficult to get any water in it as there is no room for the cup to dive. Our ability to care is limited because we do not have the same emotional resources everyone else does.
❌ False Positives & False Negatives ❌
I operate on what I’ve learned are called false positives and false negatives. These are things that are trained into the brain from an early age based off of childhood trauma and other factors. False positives are a distorted version of why we do something to help ourself and for our own good, meanwhile a false negative is something we do because it’s a threat, or based out of fear.
❌ Some of my false positives:
- It is good to be afraid of nothing
- It is good to adapt to someone’s personality if they are stronger than you
- It is good to isolate yourself
- It is good to be a silver tongue because you can get into any place you want
- It is good to become a social chameleon and shape yourself to whatever those around you need/want most, because then you have no chance of being abandoned
❌ Some of my false negatives, which can explain the false positives as well as core beliefs:
- it is bad to be afraid, if I am afraid then I am vulnerable and it can be used against me
- It is bad to be emotional or show concern for others emotions because they do not care for mine
- It is bad to be able to be exploited, because I believe it is everywhere
- It is bad to allow myself to be bored, because boredom begets bad thoughts and no one can or wants to help me when I spiral
- It is bad to not shape yourself to the social circle, because people quickly grow tired of those who do not match them perfectly and being discarded means I failed
My core beliefs can be viewed as the root for the false positives and negatives, because they are based on the core of trauma, abuse and neglect. They come from patterns and instances that make someone with AsPD become the opposite of what they experienced:
- eat or be eaten
- If I don’t show that my bite is worse than my bark, I will be taken advantage of and I must remain on top because the ones on top are safe
- I must look out for myself because nobody will do it for me
- It doesn’t matter what happens to me, therefore it doesn’t matter what people think of me
- If I cannot do something well, then I should not do it at all
- If you are dependent on others for emotional and mental well being, you are weak, therefore I must isolate myself to avoid becoming codependent and a burden and useless
- If I can handle the stress of a situation better than everyone else, therefore I will keep the problem (financial, emotional, mental, etc) to myself to reduce chances of being abandoned due to failure of perfection
People with AsPD are hard to get along with. We often:
- are always anticipating a fight
- lack respect for authority
- ignore social structures to an extent
- tendency to lie if it’ll lessen punishment or if we feel the lie is more acceptable than our actions
- limit social support because it’s wrong to be dependent on others
- have an inflated view of our own importance — which turns into a self ridicule for believing someome like me could be found important to others —
- can be rude and inconsiderate of others feelings somewhat unintentionally
- are unable to read the correct social cues in relation to empathy towards people and animals
- am constantly confused by others dependence upon empathy and inability to make desicions from logic based standpoints
We can’t speak for everyone who has AsPD, nor are we saying that no one with AsPD is capable of being a murderer/abuser etc. but we are saying that y’all need to stop automatically classifying someone as a certain “type” as soon as you know about their disorder.
One last thing I do want to point out is that it is not uncommon for people with AsPD to derive some sort of enjoyment in causing harm, doing something illegal, hurting someone or animals, etc. This entirely stems from lack of environmental control as a child. Being able to control what happens to others or being able to control the things you say or do that hurts someone else is a hefty high to get addicted to; it soothes the underlying itch of not being able to control your own trauma and abuse, so in turn you push these behaviors onto others and enjoy it because it gives you a sense of power and control. Some people with AsPD do genuinely love hurting others, and some enjoy hurting others when they believe it’s deserved or their ire has been stoked. Some enjoy causing pain to those they think deserve it, and others don’t care who they hurt as long as they feel like they’re in control of the situation.
Hope this have some insight into AsPD 🤙🏻 if y’all have any questions, shoot.
1K notes · View notes
schizocrow · 1 month
Text
Tumblr media
Guilt ? Never heard about it
160 notes · View notes
neurosharky · 2 months
Text
ASPD: The Desire for and Run from Intimacy
This post will only contain my personal opinion and experience. It may not be applicable to all other people with ASPD and may likewise be relatable to people who do not have it.
I am only going to be talking about emotional intimacy, but this post is definitely also applicable to the other type of intimacy!
I'll make myself pretty vulnerable in this post, by discussing my personal experience, so you better not make me regret that!
Abbreviations:
ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder
ASPD is a disability caused by prolonged childhood trauma (with many possible variations), that develops in order to protect the brain from said trauma, or rather to help the brain deal with it in some way!
While the consequences of this in the context of intimacy, look different for every person with ASPD, many do report: a difficulty with developing bonds, having problems trusting people & giving away control, losing feelings for people quickly and abruptly/getting "bored" of people, responding extremely to arguments, having problems dealing with peoples emotions/ problems with being close to people etc.
This may be due to a variety of factors, but does often tie back to having no or few positive experiences with intimacy, having not learned how to exist in relationships properly/a lack of being socialized, not having the necessary prosocial emotions and mechanisms to deal with it and other similar things.
While this causes some people with ASPD to develop a brain, that does not have a need for emotional intimacy at all, others develop a brain, that craves the emotional intimacy it has been denied, but which will also fight said intimacy at every turn.
Thats as much generalized info as I can give you, as the exact representation of this is highly individual, but I will offer my personal experience on the following slides!
What you need to know is that I was accidentally neglected for huge parts of my childhood and teens and did not get my emotional and social needs met most of the time, while also knowing that my parents were theoretically capable of that, as they were giving everything I lacked to my sibling.
This caused me to grow up with a burning desire for intimacy, while being disappointed by people time and time again, failing to actually develop the things needed to experience this intimacy and partially growing to resent it and viewing it as "weak" and "bad".
Ever since then I have been stuck in what I like to call the "ASPD stages of running". Theres different points in getting close to people (in any nature of a relationship), that'll send me running and feeling like I am "weak" for wanting it, or as if being close to people is the worst thing that could happen.
The stages (simply put) are:
1. Desiring/Daydreaming about my dream relationship
2. Looking at peoples relationships/Looking at people with the intent of getting closer to them
3. Talking to people (online or irl)
4. Getting closer / being friends with people
5. Being friends with people for longer
Optionally:
6. Getting so close that a romantic relationship may happen
7. The moment of getting in the relationship / the days after
8. Being in the relationship for a bit
At any of those stages, I'll very likely have one or multiple moments where my ASPD will try to get the better of me and will try to convince me to just run away, drop contact and never talk about it again. Even just admitting to this and talking about it is hard as fuck, because it is so deeply ingrained in my brain to see emotional intimacy as a weak and dangerous thing.
What this will look like exactly really depends on the person and situation, but things that have happened in the past were:
• blocking the person and everyone I am friends with and pretending I am no longer alive
• my brain fixating on their faults in order to give me a good reason to hate them so I don't get closer to them and can hold them at arms length
• responding less often/more dryly or ignoring messages entirely
• not replicating the energy of the conversation/relationship
• staging an incident so I ruin the relationship
• running at the first signs of a disagreement
• avoiding people when they are emotional
• feeling uncomfortable around people as a whole => isolating
• beating myself up about letting it happen again
• impulsively bumping the relationship to another stage, just to immediately regret it (in a "fuck that has consequences" way)
• shutting off all my emotions, dissociate or otherwise make sure to stop the feelings (or just lose them automatically)
To put it in a shorter and more simple way, I'll usually either get the fuck outta there, or make sure to change the relationship/my personal position in the relationship to a more comfortable and less vulnerable and intimate level. This may also just look like me shutting off, becoming distant, or seeming mad, when all I am is overwhelmed by the intimacy and grossed out that I actually need and desire that.
As you can possibly imagine, that is not the most useful thing, as it causes issues in relationships, cuts friendships short and makes dealing with people a lot harder!
The most frustrating thing about this for me though is, that even if the most perfect friend or partner came along and even if the relationship would work at first, I am very very likely to crash it against the wall, simply because my brain cannot handle having the things, that it needs and desires.
It desires a hug and runs from the one who offers it.
It needs help and bites the hand that does.
It needs love and gets grossed out by whoever offers it.
It wants attention and can't handle it when it gets it.
It wants gifts, but doesnt know what to do when it gets them.
Whatever it wants, it can't have, so it keeps wanting, keeps yearning, keeps desiring and has to watch itself be unable to accept any of it.
And if that sounds painful, thats because it is.
Its a vicious kind of pain when you have to watch yourself ruin yet another thing, because your brain can't handle it, while you scream at it in frustration to get its act together, because it also is everything you desperately need.
ASPD sucks when it comes to intimacy and it especially sucks when it comes to talking about it, or being honest about these problems. It developed to protect me from being too "weak" to deal with the trauma and now its practically preventing me from showing any "weakness" or seeking out what previously hurt me. Which wouldn't be this bad, if I didn't still have this kid in me that just wants to be loved and daydreams about all the things, the ASPD hates.
When your shell disagrees with your core and you're not strong enough yet to break your shell, what does that really leave you with, other than curling up into a spiky ball and letting the shell do its job? I know I still need the protection, but I wish it wasn't actively preventing me from learning to live without it.
First posted on my instagram (same @)
154 notes · View notes
spilleddeath · 2 years
Text
Tumblr media
2K notes · View notes
tombfreak · 13 days
Text
Tumblr media
82 notes · View notes
thecandyispoisoned · 2 years
Text
Excuse my lack of response, you just said something that my brain decided is an attack now I hate you until further notice and I'd rather not talk to you because if I do I might say something hurtful and I'm trying to convince myself that I'm a good person
1K notes · View notes
pyrondeeznutz · 7 months
Text
Another thing is that people tend to accept the label of ASPD, but not the behaviour.
Do you fear being called ableist? Do you find it easier to accept a word rather than the person?
I understand completely that an antisocial person isn’t easy to swallow. We can be very harsh, blunt, mean, uncaring, yada yada, but I can assure you that we’d much prefer you just say you don’t like pwASPD rather than pretending you accept it but turn around and hate on people who exhibit antisocial behaviour.
And I’m talking about people who are in and out of treatment. Don’t exclude people who aren’t being treated from your ASPD positivity. Even if you aren’t on the road to recovery, you deserve support.
People who don’t care about others. People who don’t care about others suffering. People who only look out for themselves. People who have different morals and opinions. People who don’t care about political issues because it doesn’t effect them. People who are argumentative. People who have a bad temper. People who are brutally honest. People who view relationships as transactional. People who view the world as a warzone.
If you’re going to accept people with ASPD, accept people with ASPD. Don’t hide behind this faux layer of positivity when you immediately make fun of, ostracize and hate on people who actually show with these behavioural issues.
143 notes · View notes
Text
i feel like the cluster b experience can be summed up by MARINA songs, specifically from the Family Jewels and Electra Heart albums
71 notes · View notes
flashy-mf · 3 months
Text
When you’re completely numb inside but still feel so ready to destroy your life in the most gruesome and catastrophic way possible. When the urge to destroy is so strong it surpasses any earthly form of destruction and you reach the conclusion that reality should just invent new, even worse ways to destroy things. But like. You don’t even feel emotionally angry. Or any emotions. Just powerful urges to explode in ways no human could ever comprehend.
36 notes · View notes
anotheraspdrager · 1 year
Text
I really wish I could just feel close to people, I don't even understand what I do wrong but all my relationships seem surface level no matter how much I try to build a bond, as if others can tell something's missing and those are holes that effort can't fill
285 notes · View notes
Text
Tumblr media
1K notes · View notes
divinerapturesys · 6 months
Text
I didn’t expect my last AsPD post to blow up so here’s another infodump about it rooted in my own personal experiences
let’s get into fucking PARENTS
aka “primary caregivers”
I touched based on this a little bit on my last post which you can find here
“AsPD is a disorder that is caused primarily (according to current research) by trauma and abuse in childhood; most notably being emotional neglect and absent caregivers that cause a child to have emotional shutdowns and repression episodes in an attempt to self soothe. Primary caregivers who do not bond with their children are also a factor. Children learn how to behave from those around them. If a primary caregiver is emotionally distant and unavailable, children will learn that is normal behavior and that’s how people are. If a primary caregiver does not provide empathy and sympathy during moments of distress and fear, children will learn that aloofness and disregard of others feelings is normal behavior. If a primary caregiver does not keep a child safe, children will learn that they should not prioritize their own safety.”
So let’s break this down:
❌ “Primary caregivers who do not bond with their children are also a factor”
- bonding with an infant is incredibly important; this builds the first imprints of safety and security into a child; when a caregiver consistently and positively responds to an infants needs, this creates attachment and trust.
- Babies are inherently going to try to initiate a bond with their primary caregivers; crying, eye contact, cuddling, grabbing, all of these are ways an infant is trying to connect; these are natural cues asking for comfort and safety
- Not being given those causes children to start out with an unstable baseline; it has been proven repeatedly via research that children who are not held and comforted during the first stages of infancy are more likely to struggle with relationships and struggle with appropriately expressing emotions
🍓 Personal experience:
I did not bond with almost any of my primary caregivers (both bio and adoptive). To my knowledge, I was heavily abused, trafficked and starved the first 18 months of my life before CPS stepped in after I almost died. Being so neglected and left to self soothe, I learned from the start that no one cared for me and that I couldn’t depend on anyone but myself, ever, even in my most vulnerable moments, because when I was at my most vulnerable stage, I was not cared for or protected and was even taken advantage of by my primary caregivers.
❌ “If a primary caregiver is emotionally distant and unavailable, children will learn that is normal behavior and that’s how people are.”
- this is pretty explanatory I think but I’ll still go into it
- children are mimics and copycats; they learn how to act and think based on who they’re with the most
- Primary caregivers who are distant to their children unknowingly ingrain the concept that distance is safety, and that being unavailable is normal, and that it’s a way to be strong
- Children will begin to expect adults to not respond emotionally to them, and will similarly begin to limit their own emotional responses to match their caregivers in an attempt to connect and mirror
🍓 Personal experience:
My adoptive mom was very distant; I was homeschooled until I was 9, my dad worked full time and my mom was a sahm. However she spent most of here time handling their business. Which meant I was left to my own devices, every day, for the majority of the time. I vividly remember that in order to spend time with my mother, I had to write a note asking for her to pick a time slot to hang out and sign off on it. She would then show up at the allotted time and we would do whatever the activity was, and then she’d go back to the other room and I would once again be left alone. Even being homeschooled, I was alone. She taught me skeletons of workbooks and I figured the rest out myself. I learned once again that even when I needed guidance, I was expected to be an adult and figure it out, and if I did, I was praised for competence. If I failed, I was disciplined accordingly. It was very apparent to me as a kid that I needed to be entirely self sustainable, in every way, if I wanted to stay alive and not be drowned in feeling unloved.
❌ “If a primary caregiver does not provide empathy and sympathy during moments of distress and fear, children will learn that aloofness and disregard of others feelings is normal behavior.”
- again, pretty straightforward but I digress
- Children need to be given support and love when they are having emotional episodes
- Children do not know how to emotionally regulate themsleves, they don’t know how to help themselves and they get overwhelmed just like adults when they’re scared and unable to understand what’s happening
- Primary caregivers who do not help set the foundation for how a child should positively navigate emotional disregulation set them up to fail
- Children will think that ignoring others pain is correct behavior, and that disregarding how they make others feel is okay as well
🍓 Personal experience:
My mom thought that beating my crying out of me would for some reason solve the issue. Instead of spanking me a few times to get the point across of the transgression, she would often “spank” (imo it was getting beat) me until whatever she was using broke, or until I stopped crying. Unfortunately this caused me to eventually just.. not cry. I learned very quickly that being emotional and showing emotional distress would not get me comfort and safety, and instead usually caused me to have more pain and to be ridiculed for being emotional. I was basically conditioned into emotional shutdowns, and rewarded for having them. I would get praised for being mature if I stopped crying or having emotional reactions to situations. So I did. I experienced a lot of sensory issues and trauma responses as a child, which caused a lot of meltdowns, and those were consistently met with lack of comfort and connection.
❌ “If a primary caregiver does not keep a child safe, children will learn that they should not prioritize their own safety.”
- this mostly fits in with risk taking behavior tbh
- Children learn self worth and value from adults; if that’s not important and/or disregarded, it’s never going to be a priority and will have to be forcibly learned later on in life
- Children learn that if their primary caregiver does not prioritize their safety, that means they can’t rely on them when they’re in pain, being abused by someone else, or even hurting themselves
- This leads to self destructive and risk taking behaviors; they don’t value their own safety, and they don’t value the safety of others because they were not taught that it’s important
🍓 Personal experience:
Touching back on my early childhood; I was definitely not kept safe and unfortunately I was not kept safe in my adoptive family either; I feel like for a long period of time, I genuinely did not think my safety was important (if I even knew what that meant) and therefore it didn’t matter what I did because if the people who said they loved me the most didn’t want to protect me, why should I try to protect myself? This led to a lot of drugs, self harm, a lot of klepto shit, getting into fights, a lot of sexual abuse, etc, all because I genuinely did not understand what safety was, or what it meant. I put other kids in dangerous situations often because I didn’t value their safety either. I thought no one did.
All in all, interactions with primary caregivers builds the foundation for how your brain builds it’s emotional house.
Unfortunately for people with AsPD, we had to build our own emotional foundation as kids and it was done very shittily bc we were little kids and not fucking architects.
Thank you for coming to yet another infodump abt this disorder lmao I hope it made literally any sense bc I’m writing this at 4am and I am very tired :)
69 notes · View notes
bpdcodone · 5 months
Text
Having no empathy really just makes me feel like I can’t ever connect with anyone truly
45 notes · View notes
neurosharky · 18 days
Text
The Parts of ASPD That You Don't See
This post will only contain my personal experience and opinion. It may not be applicable to every other person with ASPD and may likewise be relatable for people who do not have it.
This post aims to educate, provide insight and contribute to the diversity of ASPD experiences. It is not gonna try to excuse any harmful actions/beliefs, nor does it want to encourage others to imitate those.
Once again, this is just my own experience and does not speak for the whole community, nor is it a reflection of my actual current actions or how good of a person I am.
Abbreviations:
ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder
In my time as a mental health (and specifically ASPD) educator on instagram I have published a total of 65 ASPD themed posts and have written countless answers to peoples questions and rambles on my story and in my direct messages.
If you would read most of that, you would have a pretty good understanding of my ASPD symptoms and ways this condition affects me, but you would still be missing quite a bunch of things.
So this my attempt at showing you some things I have not talked about (at all or much) yet, in order to contribute to more accurate representation, as well as practising vulnerability:
1. Whenever I am confronted with someones suffering, misery, hurt, etc. my first thought is not kind or pleasant. Even if that person is my friend, my family member, or someone suffering from something I equally suffer from. My first thought will always be mean, insulting and full of blame towards the other person. In my head I will scream at you to be less sensitive, that its all your fault, that I wish you'd stop whining and bother someone else with it. If I do not feel like engaging with it at all, my next few thoughts will be equally mean and I will rationalize not having to help you or engage with you, until it looks like the most logical way for me to proceed.
2. If I do feel like engaging with someone who is suffering, or if I have to, in order to socialize, make friends, keep friends, etc. it takes a lot of effort and work for me to do it right. You will never see that effort and work, you will never be able to appreciate it and for that I despise you, even if its not your fault or responsibility. It makes me irrationally angry if people do not thank me properly for doing the bare minimum and do not appreciate me helping them, being kind and being a good friend. Being kind, for me, is keeping my ASPD at bay, like a rabid dog on a chain and doing the exact opposite of what my brain is telling me to do. I have to choose to do that every single day in every single moment, every single interaction, time and time again, while desiring a level of appreciation for it, that no one can ever fulfill. This makes it even harder to choose kindness again, because it does not give me what I yearn for, yet I do it, because at least I'll get something in return, even if it will never be enough.
3. I am not always able to handle my money responsibly. If you would leave me alone in a casino and I would start playing a game, I would not stop until I lose everything, because I already cannot stop myself from doing that in online games with game currency. Next to that I am incapable of stopping myself from buying something once I decided I want it. If I want something, I'll get it and I'll bad talk everything else, just so I get what I want. I can rationalize any purchase, so I actively have to avoid things where I know I couldn't control myself, as well as constantly remind myself that luxury isn't needed, even tho thats all I desire. ASPDs impulsivity, irresponsibility and the disregard for everything else, make it hard to keep myself in check and I despise not being in control of myself. On top of that it makes me irrationally angry to see people criticize the lifestyle I wanna have, despite knowing that they're theoretically right about the base thought.
4. I am angry at myself for being scared of things, for being incredibly soft at times, for needing a specific level of care, for needing help, for not being able to live entirely independently, for not having been more careful with my choices years ago, for having let people hurt me, for still being affected by my trauma, etc. In short I am angry with myself, for not actually being that cold ruthless genius my ASPD tried to make me. I feel as if I failed my own brain & by extension myself, by not even properly becoming what it wanted me to be. My brain tried to protect me and I couldn't even let it do that, because I just had to be a soft little baby and cling to certain parts of my childhood & personality. Part of this hatred is internalized ableism, but part of it is also just an inability to accept, that its okay to be like this now, because there is no longer a threat I need to be protected from and even if there was, I can do it on my own now.
5. Being in recovery and having moved on from some of my more harmful behaviours, beliefs and views, as well as being a little more responsible & knowledgable about social rules, also means, that I now get to look back on my childhood, teens and early adulthood and get to see all of the mistakes I made, that I previously could not see. I get to see all of the bad decisions, all of the ways in which I may have permanently harmed people and in their eyes I will forever be that person. I can't feel sorry for what I've done, I can't have emotional empathy with them, but I can still wish I had not done those things & fuck I wish I hadn't. I hate that for most of the people who have ever known me, I will be the villain in their story and I hate that if any of them were to ever publicly call me out, they would never be able to understand why I did what I did, how much I have changed and that none of it was ever personal (as well as that some things where I broke social rules were never even intentional). It partially terrifies me and partially makes me me wish I had known better (next to wishing I had never been damaged enough to do it in the first place).
6. It makes you feel so far removed from being human, when you just cannot do what everyone else does. I wish I could form deep bonds, I wish I could cry more, I wish I was emotionally moved by sad scenes & people passing, I wish I could love deeply, I wish I could be really passionately involved in fandoms, I wish I could feel happiness for others, I wish I could experience deep levels of guilt & shame so I know what its like to feel remorse...I just really wish I could be that deeply connected with other beings around me. I know its not always fun, I know its exhausting and I know it hurts and on most days I am glad I don't have to go trough that, but on some days I just crave being that level of human and wish I knew what its truly like, because no description will ever suffice. I know that I am still human, even if I have ASPD, but it just doesn't feel the same when you don't have access to a huge majority of the human social features, that are supposed to define us. Its lonely, its othering and it just sucks, even tho I can appreciate my brain trying to protect me.
That was just six things and I am running out of space, so heres an incomplete bullet point list with little to no explanation:
• the constant fight between survival & what it could be like if I truly tried to thrive
• receiving disgusted or weird looks in every conversation, because you are just so obviously different when you socialize and switching between being angry about it & terrified by it
• having way too many "well that could have hurt/k*lled me" moments, because little danger awareness & care for urself
• denying yourself parts of life, because your brain thinks they make you "weak" or you said you didn't care about them and now you can't let people see you care, because you know they'll make fun of it/you, which is why you developed a no care attitude in the first place
• people describing people like you as lazy, immature, not deserving of good things etc. and having that fuck with your progress, self esteem & identity
• knowing that people will always believe others over you, because you are the lying manipulating cunning guy, even when you tell the truth & knowing you can't do shit about it
first posted on my insta account (same @)
36 notes · View notes
themorrtuary · 9 months
Text
Sometimes you just need to realize you're better than everyone else and move the fuck on.
75 notes · View notes