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bartxnhood · 5 months

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you don’t go to parties | a.f.i

ashton irwin x fem!reader

summary: ashton wonders why he keeps searching for you at parties. because after all, you don’t go to parties anymore.

warnings: drinking, swearing, just the party scene

w/c: 2.4k

requests open

not proofread

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“hey, it’s y/n. sorry, i missed your call. leave a message after the beep. bye!”

“hey, uh, it’s me, just been thinking about everything tonight and i don’t know… i just miss you so much. call me when you can. bye.”

ashton removes the phone from his ear and ends the call, followed by a long, drawn-out sigh as he stares at your contact photo.

you were standing on the harbour bridge with him, kissing his cheek. it was taken on his first tour, when the band was opening for one direction, and he had just asked you to be his girlfriend, to which you of course said yes. he was your best friend and the person you had fallen in love with years before.

you've been by his side since the beginning of the band till today. you helped him throughout his most difficult times, and he did the same for you. at one point you considered him your soulmate and imagined spending the rest of your life by his side.

that was, until the parties.

it wasn't horrible at first. you'd join him at a few parties here and there. it was fun at first but then things got out of hand. ashton would party practically every night, and the parties eventually moved to his house, where you also lived. and it was well into the morning before the nights ended. so, you'd just hide out in your bedroom or at a friend's house.

it was exhausting. you could never get anything done because your house was always filled with strangers. and you couldn’t talk to ashton about it because he was always hungover and told you he’d talk to you later.

eventually, it got to the point where you just couldn’t take it anymore. so, you left him.

ashton was a disaster. every night, he'd be out partying or at a bar, hoping to drown out the haunting thoughts of you.

his partying addiction had gotten worse since you left. he couldn't even remember what he done the previous week since he had been partying so hard that it was killing him.

sometimes he’d call you when he was blackout drunk, professing undying love for you and how he regrets everything. other nights, when he isn’t so drunk, he’d still call you and apologize for the drunk calls.

he was spiraling down a deep dark alley, and if he didn’t fix himself now, he’d never see the light again.

ashton didn’t know why he continued to party and drink so much. but, he continued without thinking about the consequences. even if he knew how bad he was while under the influence.

some nights were worse than others.

one night it got very out of hand.

it was nearing five in the morning and ashton had one too many like he usually does but tonight was different. he was angry. angry at himself for letting you slip from his hands, angry he treated you like gum on the bottom of his shoe when instead of the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

ashton sat on his sofa staring at the wall with a red solo cup in hand, occasionally looking towards the door hoping you’d walk through and come back to him. but of course, you never did, and you wouldn’t because you don’t go to parties anymore.

luke sat with his head hung, rubbing his temples. “ashton, you’ve had too much. cmon man. just go to bed and we will clean up. it’s almost five a.m”

but ashton doesn’t say anything, he just sits there and down the rest of the liquid in his cup before tossing it to the floor

“yeah, no wonder y/n left you.” ashton hears michael say under his breath which was just enough to send ashton over the edge.

now it was getting out of hand, ashton was screaming his lungs out at michael while he just stood there with his hands up, signaling he didn’t want to fight ashton.

finally luke called the one person he knew who would help. you.

“hey, y/n, i’m sorry it’s so late…well early but ash is drunk, very drunk. can you come get him? he’s causing a scene.”

"what? oh, christ. yeah, I'll be there in ten," you said as you jumped out of bed, grabbed the nearest sweater and sweatpants, and ran out of your apartment.

your heart felt like it was beating out of your chest. the drive was a blur, trying to get there as quickly as possible in order to avoid another fight.

you knew most people would never do this for their ex, but you still loved him. you were still madly in love with him at the time. you listen to every message he's ever left on your phone.

your inbox was overflowing with them.

you heard every sincere confession, every drunken apology, and every sober apology.

of course, you still had feelings for him.

you never stopped.

“thank you for coming.” luke swung the door open letting you slip inside, then walked through the trashed house. “he’s in the living room” you looked through the kitchen archway to see where luke was pointing, and then you saw him.

you pushed the door open and walked across smashed cans and cups to his side. "ashton?" your voice was soft, as if you were unsure how he would react to your sudden appearance. maybe he'll lash out at you, or he'll remain mute and go away.

he raised his head, his gaze meeting yours. ashton comes to a halt from whatever nonsense he was doing, which was probably another drunken rage. was this really happening? he asks, as he stares at you in bewilderment. are you standing directly in front of him? was he dreaming?

"y/n?" he calls your name, and you question, "ash, what's going on?" and his eyes glaze over merely hearing your concern.he only blinks in response, trying to figure out the situation.

he can't believe you're at his party after swearing them off, and it's for HIM. not anywhere else but his house. he says "y/n" a few times before wrapping his arms around your stomach and tightening his grip. he couldn't let you go away again.

you just let it happen and hug him back as he sits on the sofa, saying, "hey, I'm here, it'll be okay" and attempting to calm him down. despite your best attempts, he pulls away, taking everything in.

you noticed luke about to say something, so you put your hand out to stop him, silently shaking your head.

you knew ashton was in pain, so you took him upstairs. "hey why don't we get you upstairs and into bed?" you gently held his arm, which calmed him down. he allowed you to take him upstairs and away from the party. you pull over to chat to one of the boys on the way, saying that you're going to take him to bed.

"I appreciate you calling. I'll get him settled and then return to assist you with the cleanup." you say to luke before leaving.

you help him upstairs, doing your best to keep him upright. as you led ashton to the bed, he was babbling incomprehensible words. and after completing your normal cleaning and care for him, you took a step back. anxiety and confusion consume your body. thank goodness, his luke called you.

You've read the articles about his constant parties and the drunken scenes he created. he was a mess. but it was how he was dealing with the break up. you, on the other hand, have stayed home every night, watching sad movies, weeping yourself to sleep most nights, losing your appetite, and creating excuses not to see sierra or crystal. Isolation was your only option for coping.

you begin to rub the bridge of your nose as you stand by the side of the bed, looking down at ashton, who was in and out of consciousness. your heart was beating, and you were at a loss for what to do. when ashton opens his eyes and sees this, he becomes upset once more. he’s sorry you had to go to another party for him, and he rubs his eyes before saying, "you shouldn't have come." "y’hate parties." "i had to," you say, dropping your hands. "i was worried." he could see it in your eyes that you were sincere. "you're scaring me, ash" you took a pause to attempt to calm yourself as tears began to pool in your eyes.

you try to get him to bed without confessing anything or saying anything you don't genuinely mean, knowing he's incredibly inebriated and emotional. "scaring you?" he took a deep breath as he watched you toss his shoes to the floor. "yes. you’re killing yourself. i’m not going to sit by and let you do that." maybe you were getting a little emotional right now, so you looked away to gather your thoughts and finish getting him ready for bed. if he chooses to sleep.

you left the room once he was settled for a bottle of water. he probably won't know you're gone. only luke and calum remained, clearing up the garbage from the party. they all glanced up at you, waiting for news, but you just shook your head and said nothing.

you returned, half-opening the bottle and placing it next to the bed. ashton is staring at you in awe. "you're always the one taking care of me and i never deserved it," he says. “you deserved so much better than me." you didn't let the fact that he was incredibly intoxicated and emotional get to you.

you lower your head, nibbling on the inside of your cheek. don’t let him hurt you like this, y/n. you kept thinking to yourself, he was intoxicated and didn't mean anything. you get up to leave, eager to go home and cry into your pillow about how much he misses you. he reached for your hand, carefully gripping it, and said, "stay with me." you freeze, tilt your head, and appear torn, so he adds "please? just tonight." while staring into your eyes, desperate.

so, you stayed. laying on the opposite side of ashton, you heard his breath steady assuming he was finally going to sleep. until you heard “i love you.” you had only hoped that if you were still he’d leave it alone and would just go to sleep. but he continued. “when i left that morning, i didn’t stop. i never did. you’re my whole world, and i hate the person i’ve become. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but i screwed it up.” your heart was racing, picking at your nails you felt him shuffle next to you. “you were the best thing i’ve ever had and i let you go. ‘m sorry. you can hate me. i understand.” you waited a bit, but that was the last thing he said for the night.

you ended up leaving before he woke up because it was now daylight and you didn't want to be there when he did. you stood above him before leaving, and he looked so calm. naturally, you bowed down and kissed his brow softly before exiting the room. so, you were gone by eight a.m. you had a minor breakdown on the drive home, knowing that the love is still there, and seeing him so vulnerable makes your heart ache. but you kept reminding yourself that he was drunk. he most likely didn't mean half of what he stated.

right?

you had just finished your meeting the next day and were standing in your kitchen preparing a cup of coffee when you were stopped by a rhythmic knock. you walked over leaving the cup on your counter. as you answered the door, you saw ashton.

“hey.” he said, stuffing his hands into his jacket. you stepped back, then saying “why are you here?” ashton looked around, spitting a few framed pictures of the two of you which he thought was odd. he thought you hated him. he shrugged, “i just wanted to thank you for last night, and everything.” you sighed, “come in” you stepped to the side and let him enter, then closed the door behind him. “do you want some coffee?” he sat down on the sofa.

“sure.” he answered, looking around the room. you came back with a black mug and handed it to him, and took your seat across from him.

there was a moment of silence, the two of you would steal glances at each other but didn’t want to say anything, wondering how to approach the conversation waiting to be held.

his comment was abrupt. “i meant what i said, you know.” you looked up from your coffee, to meet with his eyes already looking at you. “what?” you blinked, placing the mug on the table. “last night. everything, i meant it. from me still loving you, to wanting to spend the rest of my life with you. i meant every word.” he was being sincere, he held eye contact as he spoke and didn’t break it once.

truthfully, you didn’t know what to say. the situation wasn’t ideal, and to be honest with yourself, you knew you still loved him. “ashton..” you finally spoke, followed by a long sigh and dropping your head into your hands.

“then why do you continue to do this? you’re drinking yourself to death, ash. how can i trust that you won’t do it all over again, even if i want to work this out?” ashton stands up from his spot and moves in front of you, on his knees as he holds your hands. "i get drunk to forget the color of your eyes and the way your hair falls and how soft your skin is and the way your smile makes me feel; but it seems like the alcohol can't change my memory of you." he had been waiting to tell you this for the longest, “i do it because it’s the only way i know how to cope and i know it isn’t the best way, but it’s all i know.”

ashton runs his thumb over your knuckles. you look down at his calloused hands feeling your lip quiver “and if that isn’t enough just tell me, and i’ll leave for good.”

you shake your head letting the tears fall, “ash..i just want you to stop..all this drinking isn’t good for you, i can’t just let that happen.” you say, and he nods. “i know, i know.” he hushes your tears, raising up to hug you. “i’ll do better, i promise.” he says into your hair while wiping your tears.

“how can i trust you?” you ask

“because, i love you. and i’ll be damned if i lose you again.”

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starvinginbelair · 5 months

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matching chokers

#i feel so genuinely fucking insane about this actually #LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE MATCHING WHAT. DO. YOU. MEAN.#something something soulmate bullshit #so conducive actually for the fic i'm writing rn #that choker around luke's neck.............................could be something else #iykyk #anyways will be thinking about this for the next calendar year actually #5sos #ashton irwin #luke hemmings #lashton

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wildflowerirwin · 1 year

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Ashton really went from lesbian farmer to Goat Dad™️

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grxcisxhy-wp · 2 years

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𝖼.𝗁. | 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗌𝖾 𝖿𝗂𝗇𝗀𝖾𝗋𝗌

back to masterlist

pairing ; c.h. x reader

requested ; yes

summary ; you stumble across a video of calum's fingers that has you all hot and bothered.

warnings ! SMUT, masturbating, fingering, riding, praising, finger sucking, titty sucking (?), unprotected sex, p in v, slight cockwarming at the end

word count ; 1.1k

a/n ; i think i have this weird thing for riding, but whatever. anyway, sorry it's been awhile i was just unmotivated, but weirdly listening to 1D got me to finish this work. also, thank you guys so much for 100 followers! hope you enjoy!

You had the day off from work, so you spent your time cleaning the home you shared with Calum and Duke. You had finished cleaning about half an hour ago, deciding to spend some time scrolling through social media on the living room couch.

Scrolling through your feed on Twitter looking at posts you were tagged in, posts Calum was tagged in, posts the band was tagged in, etc., you landed on a short compilation of Calum at different concerts, but the motion of his hand stayed the same.

Your eyes couldn’t help but focus on the movement of his fingers – them being the whole reason the compilation was made. Their movement was enticing and all too familiar – flashes of Calum’s fingers moving like that inside you playing in your mind. You just had to watch the video again… and again and again.

The need for Calum grew quickly from there, wishing he could hurry home from the studio faster, but you knew how important his music was to him. So, you decided to do the next best thing.

You laid back on the couch, spreading your thighs enough to slip your hand between them. You teased yourself over the fabric of your underwear – the only thing you were wearing other than a shirt of Calum’s. You tried to mimic the way Calum’s hands would tease you if he were there, but your fingers could never reach the right places like his would.

Still, you managed to work yourself up enough to have soft moans and whimpers falling from your lips. You had removed your underwear, rubbing shameless circles on your clit with one hand while the other moved at a steady pace in and out of your cunt. Lost in the feelings of your own fingers and imagining they were Calum’s, you hadn’t heard the door open and close.

Calum slid his shoes and jacket off after closing the door. He crouched down to the floor to meet Duke, smiling at the dog’s excitement in seeing him. When he stood up, he was about to call your name when he heard something that made him stop in his tracks.

He followed the noises that led him to the living room where he took in the sight of you spread out on the couch. He watched almost hypnotized as your fingers moved to please yourself. It was obvious to him that you were trying to replicate the way he did it.

When he snapped out of his stupor, he slowly made his way over to you as quiet as possible as to not disturb your concentration. He knelt down in front of the couch, leaving him almost eye level with your sopping cunt. He held back a groan as his fingers slowly moved to replace yours.

Your eyes shot open at the pleasant surprise of his touch. Your eyes found his already looking at you, your cheeks heating up in embarrassment as he began to rub circles just as you had been doing.

“Don’t be embarrassed, love,” he said, a small smirk adorning his lips. “Mind telling me what got you like this in the first place?”

“Saw a video,” you said simply, beginning to lose yourself in the feel of his hands.

Calum’s thumb kept at its motions on your clit while his ring and middle finger slid through your folds, spreading your arousal around. “About?”

“Your fingers. Liked the way they moved.”

At your admission, Calum slid his fingers into your entrance. He began moving his fingers in the exact motion of what had been in the compilation. “Like this.”

“Yes,” you gasped. “Just like that.”

Just as you felt the coil in your stomach begin to form, Calum removed his fingers from you. You watched with confused eyes as he stood up. His hands moved to his pants, unbuttoning them and pulling them down along with his boxers. His cock slapped against his stomach, and you moaned.

“Come here, pretty girl.” Calum held his hand out for you. You put your hand in his and he pulled you to stand up. He replaced your previous spot on the couch, patting his lap. “You want to sit on my cock?”

You nodded, quickly clambering over his lap. You used your hand to guide his dick through your folds before slipping it into your wet hole.

“Good girl,” Calum groaned. “Taking my dick so well.”

You moaned as you sank all the way down onto his length. His hands grasped your waist, helping you rise up only to slam you back down.

“So good,” you moaned.

“Yeah?” he said. “You just love riding my cock, don’t you?”

“Mhm. Love it,” you gasped. “Want it all the time.”

“That’s my girl.” He smirked, one of his hands abandoning its place on your waist to trail up to your breasts.

He palmed at one while he leaned forward to take the other in his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the nipple before sucking it into his mouth, making you clench around him. He groaned and repeated the action, rewarding him with the same reaction, adding to both your pleasure.

You reached for the hand that was on your breast, bringing it up to your mouth. Calum had momentarily stopped his attack on your breast to watch as you guided his pointer and middle finger into your mouth. He was mesmerized as you swirled your tongue around the digits like you’d done to his cock countless times before.

He groaned and pushed his fingers deeper into your mouth. “God, you’re so fucking hot. Sucking on my fingers like it’s my cock. You like my fingers that much, sweetheart?”

You moaned around his fingers, nodding eagerly as you clenched on his cock.

“You gonna cum?” he asked.

You nodded, trying to ride him faster, but your legs had grown tired.

“D’you need help?”

“Please,” you said, words muffled by his fingers.

“Okay, love. You just keep sucking those fingers, okay?”

“Okay.”

Calum grinned and kissed your chin, not bothered by the drool dripping down it from sucking on his fingers. He wrapped his unoccupied arm around your waist, holding you up as he thrusted into you quickly. You whined around his fingers, walls clenching his cock as he hit deeper than before.

“That’s it, love. Let go. Let it all go.”

You practically cried out around his fingers as you came, his thrusts continuing through your climax. He groaned as he followed right behind, hot ropes of cum painting your walls.

He removed his fingers from your mouth as you came down from your high. He kissed you for the first time on the lips since he came home. It was lazy and messy, but neither of you cared.

“I love you,” you whispered as he pulled away.

He kissed your forehead. “I love you, too. Now, let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Can we stay?” you asked. “Just for a little bit.”

“Of course,” he said, wrapping his arms around you. “We’ll stay for however long you want.”

#grxcisxhy's writing #calum hood imagine #calum hood #calum hood smut #5sos x reader #5 seconds of summer #5sos #calum imagine #calum hood oneshot #luke hemmings #michael clifford #ashton irwin #calum hood x you #calum hood x y/n #calum hood x reader #smut

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riya-kaur · 5 months

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michael gordon clifford.

summary: michael being pampered with love on his birthday

birthday boy.

"wakey wakey, birthday boy!"

you take light footsteps into your bedroom, watching your boyfriend stir in your bed as he taps beside him, hoping to find you laid there.

"over here" you giggle as you stand beside the bed, hovering over him as you hold a wooden tray in your hands.

"good morning" you coo as you watch him sit up on the bed, his back against the head rest. he lets out a yawn as his hands reach up to his eyes, rubbing them open.

"happy birthday, my love" you smile, settling the tray onto his lap.

on the tray displayed: a card, a cup of coffee, a stack of pancakes - which were drenched in butter and maple syrup.

"c'mere" he glows as he reaches for your hand, tugging it lightly. you giggle before walking over to the other side of the bed, slipping back under the duvet and cuddling into his side.

"thank you, baby," he smiles before leaving a kiss on your head. you wrap your arms around his bicep as he goes to pick up his cutlery. "want to share?" he asks. "please" you grin, batting your eyelashes as him.

he cuts a piece before feeding it to you. his fingers soon come up to your lips, wiping up the syrup that had spilt from your mouth. he licks his finger clean before cutting a piece off for himself.

"these are fucking delicious, baby" he lowers his lips on yours, placing a lingering kiss. your hand rises to his cheek, as he deepens the kiss.

the taste of the maple and butter can be sensed from our tongues, as they move together.

you pull away slowly before setting your forehead against michael's. you let your hand stay cupped on his cheek. with placing one more kiss to his nose, you drop your hand back around his arm.

after the breakfast in bed, the both of you had changed into your day outfits, getting ready for the day ahead.

holding michael's hand, you lead him downstairs to the little display you had made earlier on in the morning.

twenty-eight balloons hung from the ceiling, each one tied with photos of michael, some with you, his bandmates, his family, and with the dogs. as well as that stood an illuminated, neon '28' sign. besides that on the kitchen counter sat his birthday cake and an overflowing basket of presents.

"you can open your eyes now, baby," you squeal, waiting for michael's reaction.

you watch as micheal's eyes widen as he takes in everything.

"you're amazing," he coos as he presses his chest against your back, wrapping his arms around your front.

you tilt your head to the side, leaving behind a kiss on michael's jaw. "i want you to see this" you leap forward to the balloons, showing michael the pictures that hung on the ballons.

michael's lips turn to an upward smile as he shuffles through the ballons, scanning the pictures. "this one's my favourite." you look over at him, his lips now turned into a smirk as he holds up a picture.

you walk over to him before looking at the picture, a giggle escapes your lips as you look up to your boyfriend.

it was a picture of you both in bali, laid in the white sheets of the bed, the duvet was half thrown over, michael's head was resting on your stomach as he hugged your lower half whilst you laid there in a set that matched the color of the sheets, your arms stretched out in front of you as you took the picture off.

"we have to go back there one day" you smile as the memories of the trip come flooding in. you rise on your tiptoes as you let your arms fall around his neck. his hands fall around your waist as you both stand there in silence.

you peer over michael's shoulder, your eyes falling onto your apple watch, you scrolled through, and went on your voice memos, you clicked play on the most recent recording and it started playing through the speakers.

you feel michael smile against your shoulder. biting back a smile, you pull your head back slightly, michael's head turns to you. he places a kiss on your forehead.

the recording that was playing over you both was the first draft of 'bali', the song michael had written, and the song that held a special place in both your hearts.

michael swayed you in his arms as his eyes fell close, yours doing the shame.

"we'll definitely go back" he hums as he hides his face, nuzzling into your neck.

the two of you sway in each other's embrace for a short while before you remembered that michael still hadn't opened up his presents.

so the two of you were now sitting on the couch, michael was opening up his present, and you watched as he was doing so.

"thank you, baby, i loved everything" he beams as he reaches out for you, gently sliding you over to his side. "you're welcome" you smile placing a kiss to the side of his neck. "i do have one more suprise, it's just a small one," you beam before you take your phone out of your pocket.

michael watches you as you pull up to your messages app, pulling up calum's contact.

the last message he had sent was a video attachment. you clicked on it and turned to michael, shuffling closer to him. you stretched your arms out in front of you both before clicking play.

as the video starts, you can feel michael already smiling, a small giggle leaving his lips as he watches his four best friends lined up on a couch.

"happy birthday, mike!" the four of them say collectively. each one of them have around thirty seconds to give a happy birthday message to michael, some of them reminiscent of the past- bring up their shared memories.

and at the end, they finish off with their 'i love you's'

you looked over at michael, who was grinning like a chesire cat.

"you've outdone yourself, this time" michael beams. he pulls you on his laps, your legs now straddled around him.

"i love you, michael."

"i love you too, baby, so much." he places a kiss on your lips. "thank you for everything," he finishes off.

"you deserve it"

happy birthday to michael!

↪ wanted to get this out earlier :/

#5 seconds of summer #5sos #5sos imagines #michael clifford imagines #michael 5sos #michael clifford #michael clifford fluff #michael clifford imagine #michael clifford x reader #michael clifford x y/n #calum hood #ashton irwin #luke hemmings #5sos imagine #5sos fanfic #5sos fluff #5sos michael #5sos x reader #ri writes

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plushyluke · 9 months

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this energy forever 🪩🤍🩶

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smuttyaf · 6 months

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SouthSide Serpent

Word Count: 4.8k

Rating: R

features; childhood friends to lovers, loverboy ashton, literally ashton has been pining for y/n, & sum good old smut :)

a/n: idek what to say but hi! i’ve been in retirement for like 4 years and rediscovered this account. i got nostalgic & decided… shit why not write again?

please cut me sum slack tho! i wrote this on my notes app & it’s been years since i’ve written so i would love to hear feedback!

& yes i am hella descriptive and like to build suspense! i can’t help it >.<

also! y/n is heavily based on serena from mtv downtown ( i love her ) & this picture of ashton ( xx )

The crisp October breeze blew through your hair as the dull taste of your cigarette burns on your tongue; your forefinger and middle finger clenching the nicotine filled paper and pressing it against your lips, drawing in the vapour.

Your head nods along to the music playing before you just two doors down on the opposite side of your street. There was Ashton and his band, either playing covers of their current favourite songs, oldies, or new ones that they’ve all come together and created.

The usual guitar flow and drum beat of Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs blasted through the speakers in the garage as the sound of Luke’s voice sang along on top of the tune.

You hum along to the lyrics as you glared in the direction, your lips peeling away from the filter and letting the smoke settle in your lungs before releasing it. The four boys were all dressed in their usual attire: white shirt, black trousers, beat up old chunky Doc Martins, and their signature SouthSide Serpents leather jackets.

As the wind picks up again you let your free hand tear away from your windowsill and tug the flying strays of your hair in front of your face behind your ear, the chipped black polish on your almond nails coming into view as you remind yourself you needed to get them done.

The bridge of the song is now blaring down the street, causing you to raise your cigarette back to your lips and think to yourself, what a coincidence this song is playing; the lyrics, the time frame, and the memories that all come flowing back as you hear the familiar melody.

It was 2009 and Ashton had invited you over during Christmas break to play Garage Band since Santa gifted it to him because that was the only thing he asked for on his wish list. You were both 8, banging on the drums and singing songs that you both were too young to know or remember from when your parents would play them on the drive home from school. But, for some reason this is the song that stuck with you both the most. Maybe it was the easy lyrics or the amazing beat but from then on it had you hooked to this alternative sound.

Now fast forward to a year ago, your now ex boyfriend Xavier was laying on your bed, finger pads heavy weight on your skin as he drew sloppy hearts on your hip. The wire of the headphones tangled between your shoulder and his wrist as you both listened to his playlist. The familiar intro notes to the song beginning to ring throughout the buds and the tug of your maroon lined lips turn into a smile.

“Already like the song?” He asked, brown eyes rested on top of dark circles scattered with freckles as he smirked down at you.

“I love it.” You sheepishly said.

The wind knocks you back into reality as it pushes through your window again, only making you remember how much you loved October; the weather changing, leaves blooming, smell of the rain just before it hit the concrete, the sound of the leaves dragging along the pavement, and the endless horror movie marathons that would run on AMC.

The orange, brown, and green leaves spin in the breeze and rustle along the branches as the sun stood brightly among the houses along the horizon. From your view on the windowsill you can see houses upon houses before you see the local water tower and old plazas that scream they need new merchant signs and fresh cement.

Your eyes flick to the lonesome string popping out of your black long sleeve before the sound of your phone’s text tone goes off, your eyes darting to the message running across the screen.

Stop watching me

Ashton’s text read, making you roll your eyes before placing them on the dark hair boy who had a goofy grin on his face from your view, his drum sticks were stuffed in one had and the other held his lit up phone.

With a smile on yours, you let the hand that rested in the crook of your neck tear away from the warm flesh and your middle finger stand in the air as a response.

Clothes were thrown in every direction of your room as you let your eyes drag along your frame in the mirror, your loose knitted black sweater hung off one of your shoulders as low waisted charcoal jogging pants rested on your hips. Your hair was in its loose waves as your curtain bangs swept against your temples, your fingers curling into themselves in frustration as you tried to not stress over how you look.

You didn’t want to over enhance your appearance to see Xavier since he wanted to meet up to get “closure” -even though he was the one who called it off despite your many pleas- but you wanted to make him feel bad for even deciding to drop you.

A frustrated sigh left your wine stained lips before turning around and sticking your feet into your ruined Converse. The low muffled sound of Xavier’s Prelude is heard out your window and you feel your heart drop.

You never understood why you always felt this way about him and why you couldn’t just get over this stupid boy who likes to break up with you every other month, a new reason every single time. The constant tears, text threads, and blocking to unblocking seemed to never get exhausting to you because you were always back in the same place, wondering if you overdressed to see your ex for closure.

The chime of Xavier’s specific text tone rings through your room and you already know what it says, so without checking you twisted your foot into your shoe to fit perfectly before you reach over and grasp your phone in your hand and tug your way to the window sill. Fingers pressing the frame up and letting the fall air sweep into your room before crouching down and fitting yourself through the frame and safely scale down the roof, onto the sturdy vine wall filled with dead clematis that prickled on your palms the way down before your feet landed on the short cut grass.

As you turned away from the wall and begin tugging your feet towards the black coupe, your eyes catch on the tall frame standing on their front step as an amber light glows slightly illuminating his face. You already know this is Ashton, so with a slight smile you let your index finger rest against your coated lips, a gesture to him to be quiet.

The only response he gives is his head nodding off to the side with smoke trailing out of his mouth.

The smile quickly falls as your fingers clench the car door handle and tug it open, the smell of him crashing down on you as you sit in the familiar leather, the hum of the engine vibrating under you as the car peels off.

The tinge of tequila burned on your buds as you felt the room spinning, the sound of chatter and shouts are heard from below you as the bass of Destroy Lonely’s song can be heard in the room you barged into when you gave up on waiting for Tabitha; who said she wouldn’t be long with the curly haired new kid in her history class.

Red solo cup was loosely clenched in your right hand as left was lazily running through your hair at random moments as you laid against the cottage floral bed sheets.

Here you were, back in the same spot you always found yourself in: drunk, heartbroken, and thinking about a boy who doesn’t even care about you. The constant routine of wanting him, then wanting to be far away but craving him every other second burned into your heart. The comfort and familiarity of him that you missed always overlooked every excuse he gave you whenever he broke things off.

Last month he said he needed time to himself, this month he told you that he was confused and didn’t know what he wanted; frankly he lost feelings for you, at least that was what he says now. Those words kept on replaying in your mind as if that was your favourite song. The way he sounded emotionless yet unsure that, that was what he really wanted.

And just with those thoughts, tears were flowing down your temples. Eyes blurring as the voice replayed in your head, the memory of him sitting beside you and saying that, to then recollect memories of how sweet and endearing the boy you loved in the beginning grew cold to your touch and looked into your hopeful eyes with detached ones.

The popcorn ceiling was fuzzy in your sight as the tears spill over your waterline and beads down the sides of your face. You already knew your cheeks were heated up, the liner and eyeshadow that was occupying your bottom lashes was smudged and probably slipping away with the liquid as a sniffle wrinkled through your nose.

God you hated this; the empty feeling of missing someone who you know you shouldn’t want but yet crave so badly. Why him? Why you?

As you were deep in thought you hear the rustle of the door knob before it turns and the music that pours from outside reaches into the empty depths of the room, the sound of footsteps halting and a sharp intake of breath being heard, but you don’t dare look away at the ceiling. Frankly, you could care less about who sees you crying your eyes out on this outdated duvet with ruined make up.

“Fuck my bad!… Wait Y/N?” The recognizable voice of your childhood friend is heard before the door is closing shut.

The weight of him sinks next to you on the bed as you let your eyes close and the final stream of tears leave your eyes.

“I look desperate don’t I.” You state, voice raspy from the strain in your throat as the usual feeling of a ball is formed.

“I think you look sad,” He points out, making you snort as the hand that was lazily playing in your hair tears away and feels the sheet below you.

“No shit,” You mumble before letting your eyes peel open.

“You and Xavier broke up again?” Ashton questions, the sound of his zippers clashing from his jacket as he shuffles around.

You only hum in response before you let both of your arms sit you up on the bed, your back standing straight as your hands cradle the solo cup. Your eyes stare down at your ruined pantyhose beneath your mini lace black skirt before they flicker to look at the hazel boy.

Eyes connecting with yours, you hear his breath hitch as he draws in your appearance. Cheeks with a glow of cherry red sweeping the bones under your eyes that are damp with black eyeshadow, your eyes were still puffy and red rimmed as they batted slowly up at him.

“He doesn’t know what he wants,” You let out, your eyes rolling before letting your plum coloured lips take a sip of the warm mixture of Pepsi and tequila.

“Oh?” He says in confusion, bushy eyebrows coming together trying to figure out how that could be since he saw you two together three nights ago.

“I’m so sick of being with these screwed up guys all the time,” You state, hand tearing away from the cup to dig your nails into the rips of your stockings.

“Really?”

“I have such crummy luck or taste? What is it with girls like me? All a guy has to say is, he can’t express his feelings or he listens to Deftones and it’s like my head tips right over and my brain start to slip out of my ear.”

Ashton lets out laugh, the beer bottle he’s holding by the neck resting on his knee as he stares down at you. “So which one is Xavier?”

“Both,” You scoff while sticking out your tongue in disgust.

“You know… if you wanted to, I’m sure you could have a different great guy to go out with every night,” Ashton assures, a smirk tugging on your lips as you decide to ignore the glint of promise in his eyes.

“No way, I’ve always been a mess. Remember Cleo?” Your second boyfriend that seemed to be stuck on your hip but ironically found someway to cheat on you every weekend yet you still dumbly went back to him every. single. time.

The feeling of your sheer button up rubs against your arm as you let your hand fall against your hip and feel your black crop top tight to your skin.

“Maybe you just need to talk to someone who isn’t your usual type,” Ashton points out. Your head nods a few beats as your thick wedged heeled boots run over the wooden flooring.

“Maybe I’ll be luckier if I tried dating someone nice for a change,” Voice hopeful as your eyes dart away from the bubbly dark liquid into Ashton’s brown hues.

“Nice guys,” Ashton says with a smile, both of his hands tearing away from his knees as if to gesture to himself in this equation.

A laugh escapes your lips before your eyes run over Ashton’s frame from head to toe.

“What are you getting at Irwin?” You say with a pointed brow, playing stupid to the implication.

“Oh nothing..” He sings while tearing his eyes from yours, toothy smile still spread on his lips before he takes a swing of his beer.

You shake your head with annoyance before your hazy eyes look down at your lap, your hands resting on the cup and drumming a random tune.

“Honestly Y/N… I think you’re a really great girl and…. I just think maybe…” His words a scrambled mess and trailing off. You smile to yourself before turning to look back at him.

“Mm?” You question, the fifteen percent liquor coursing through your bloodstream and giving you confidence as you lean into this chest, eyes never tearing away from his. Because if Ashton was going to give you hopeful eyes and stuttering speeches you might as well put the ‘nice guy’ to the test and see if he was really about what he said.

That only made his lips break into a smirk, his tongue sneakily gladding along his bottom lip to wet it before looking into you daringly.

That only made you squish your plucked eyebrows together in question. How did the stuttering boy from just a view seconds ago all of a sudden turn cocky and confident? How many drinks did he have? Or was it the weed that clung to his jacket that gave him the boost.

“I think you should give me a chance,” He nips back, and before you can even respond to him, you watch his neck crane down and press his lips against yours.

The crisp taste of his beer stung your lips as they opened and immediately danced along with his tongue. White liquor and brown meeting together to taste each other and leave an acquired flavour in your mouths.

You hummed along to the feeling of his tongue circling against yours before peeling away and molding your lips to sink against each other. Your heart was beating through your chest, nails now digging into your plastic cup and head ducked back as you continue to press your mouth against his.

The feeling of his cold hand pressing against your neck caused you to shudder and tear away from his lips for a second, your eyes peeling open as they look in front of you. Black hair loosely falling on his forehead, the smell of his husky cologne clogging your senses, and the feeling of his fingers now dancing along the back of your neck.

“What are we doing Ash?” You breathe against his lips.

“Something that I’ve always wanted to do,” He says, making your heart launch. You bite down on your bruised lip and tear your eyes away from his, your stomach twist as you try and gain some self control as you almost fling yourself on top of him.

Something that he always wanted to do? You never really found yourself desirable to the point we’re men would see you in that type of light? But maybe what Ash said was just a simple lie, just so he can get what he wants and frankly you don’t even care. You’ve heard lies your whole entire life when it came to boys and this wasn’t any different, maybe you should just let your mind shut off from your stupid ex and just be in the moment for once.

So with that final thought, not having a care in the world, you drop the red cup in your hand and let your lips launch back onto his. Ashton follows your movements and the sound of the nearly empty beer bottle drops onto the hard wood, his right hand now resting along your neck as you both kiss each other.

Warm breaths, beating hearts and the sound of music is the only thing heard in the room as you lick into each others mouths. Soon you feel the weight of Ashton nudging you to lay back on the bed as he lies on top, you feel the cold zippers from his jacket press against your skin and all you can do is moan.

The feeling of his left hand tears away from the hairs on the nape of your neck and dance down your collar bone before letting it cup your breast in his hand, kneading the soft tissue which only makes another moan slip through you.

He pulls away from your lips and begins to suck and press kisses along your pulse, your hands that lie by your side now running up the sleeves of his jacket and into his hair.

A whimper spills out as you feel his hand tug your tank down and free your naked breast, he engulfs it in his cold palm making you let a shaky breath escape before you’re curling your fingers in his hair, the feeling of him twisting your nipple makes you bite down on your bottom lip. The pleasurable pain you feel running up your spine making your shoulders slightly buck off the bed.

“Hmm…” Ashton hums in your neck before tearing away, his eyes once such a light brown and green hue, now a chestnut and forest green colour filled with lust.

Your fingers tug away from his hair as he now descends down your body, his warm lips pressing kisses to your exposed skin as you let your hands tear your blouse and tank off. Your eyes never leaving his as he watches you undress. His lips now press against your pieced belly button as his fingers tear away from your chest and roughly takes your skirt by the band and peels it down your hips, your stockings following soon after.

Not wasting a moment he lets his mouth press against you covered core, lips pressing small kisses against your heat making you quietly moan. You wanted so desperately to tug Ashton into you and make him start devouring you right there but instead you let your hands trail back into his hair and play around with his locks.

Small kisses soon turn into open mouth licks, his wet muscle running up and down your clothed slit that it had your head digging back into the sheets, your legs spreading wider and whimpers endlessly trailing out.

“Ash.. please..” The words slip out so quiet that you assume he didn’t hear from the pulsing music below you, but instead your met with the feeling of his finger pulling your panties to the side and his tongue finally meeting you were you desired.

It circles around your clit gently before you feel his lips suck it into his mouth, a moan drawls from your throat due to the sensation. Soon enough, he’s letting his mouth discover the way you taste which only elects a moan from him. His tongue now dipping in between your two lips and curling around your insides.

“Oh my,” You moan as your fingers dig into his hair, eyes closing shut as you begin to slowly move your hips to the movement of his tongue.

The feeling of his right hand breaks away from your thigh and flows to your hips, his nails leaving small indents as you feel his other hand move away from your panty and rub against your clit.

The feeling of him humming against you sends a vibrating pleasure down your back as he continues to lick you, this only made your toes curl and your hands to fall out of his hair and onto his leather shoulders.

“Fuck,” You moan, your hands tugging him gently away from you as you feel your climax about to overcome your nerves.

And just as you feel it on the tip of your toes, the mouth between your legs pulls away beginning to press wet kisses up your thigh, his hand that once laid against your heat now meeting with the other at your hips.

A groan leaves you as your eyes tear open and look down at him. He mischievously looks up at you, his kisses now run up your stomach once again to lead to your neck.

“Upset?” He teases, only making you shudder at the rasp in his voice.

“I want you Ash,” You say breathlessly, turning your head to knock his out the way and look him in the eyes. “Please,” You utter, fingers now leaving his shoulders and brushing against his rip cage covered by his white tee.

Without any hesitation, Ashton is pulling away from your embrace and leaning back. He shrugs off his jacket, tugs his shirt over his head, his fingers going to the back of his baggy jeans to pull out his wallet to dig through before you see a gold package flash. If your cheeks could burn any brighter they differently would.

The mixture of his clothes and yours are strung through out the room, both of your shoes kicked to the bottom of the bed as he now shuffles his way back up to his original position.

Without question your hand meets the band of his boxers as you begin to inch them down his waist, wanting to return the favour.

“I think that can wait love, I rather be in you right now,” He breathes against your neck, only making your heart stutter. A sheepish smile tugs at your lips as you feel him twist around and lay on his side, his hands laying on your hips, turning you into the same position.

Your head rested on his arm as your back laid against his chest, hips aligned with each other as the feeling of his smell overcomes you. His knees prop up your legs as you hear the tearing of the condom package.

Deciding to distract yourself you let your eyes fall looking at Ashton. His black hair a tossed mess from your fingers, hazel eyes drawn to wear you both meet as he begins to run his member against your heat.

A whimper leaves your lips as you close your eyes when you feel him push inside, his hand now propping up your thigh as he eases into you.

He nudges your head forward and begins sucking kisses down the expanse of your neck, the feeling of his heart beating against your back and the smell of his sweat mixed with his cologne was filling your nose.

“Feels so good,” He mumbles against your skin, his arm that rested under your head turning slightly as he runs his hand against your wrist and takes your fingers into his, lacing them together as you continue to feel him stretch you out.

You never expected Ashton to have a thick piece but you also didn’t expect to be in this exact position right now, literally. Your childhood friend having his way with you while you were both drunk off each other and the alcohol in your systems.

His hips meet your backside before drawing back and pushing back in, your walls expanding with each thrust as you feel him begin a good pace. Moans begin to fall from your mouth, your eyes fluttering open every few seconds as your skin burns from the bruises soon to appear on your pulse from the black haired man beside you, skin still stuck to his lips.

“You’re moans are so pretty,” He breathes against you, his hand that was holding up your thigh runs up your hips to your chest, letting your leg fall as he takes one of your breasts and squeezes it gently.

All you can do is hum at his words because you’re too overstimulated to speak. The feeling of his thickness drawing in and out of you so heavily has you nodding off at the sensation, his fingers intertwined with yours beings to squeeze them together as the hand that was on your breast meets with his head at your neck.

“You like me fucking you,” He says into your ear as his hand squeezes your throat gently.

You nod your head as you feel your eyes slip close, and you were completely wrecked. He was so dirty yet gentle with you, peppering you with kisses yet digging into you so devilishly that it had your mind distraught.

“You like the way I feel inside you,” He continues, his hand growing more tight around your throat.

“Ash…” You say breathlessly, as your hand that rested against the bed sheets rises up and places it against the one making you breathless but encouraging your climax.

“Mm I like the way you feel around me,” He eggs on, and that makes you cry out, your back pushing pack and meeting his hips.

The feeling of your stomach twitching and legs quivering to close makes your head tip back even more against Ashton as you feel your orgasm on the brink.

That has him taking his hand away from your throat and slips it to lift your thigh back up as he continues to thrust into you, his lips press more kisses against your neck.

Your toes curl as the knot in your stomach expands and releases, the satisfying sensation washing over you as you let a deep breath break through your lips with a moan.

“Fuck,” Ashton hisses as he feels you twitch around him, the contractions from your high throwing him into his; his hips stutter before rocking back into you slowly, teeth gently digging into your skin, his breath being blown over the expanse of it.

The thickness of him slips out which causes your eyes to open, his hand dropping your thigh to wrap around your hips as his head buries into your neck.

The room is quiet for a moment as the only thing that can be heard is your hearts calming down and the chatter from down below.

“I would give you more kisses but I’ve made a mess on your neck,” His voice vibrates against you, that only makes you let out a broken laugh.

“I don’t even wanna know what it looks like,” You reply, your hand that rested on the duvet linking with his that rest along your stomach.

This felt nice, the amazing sex and cuddling session after. The room just being quiet and the only thing that can be heard is your breaths and beating hearts. This was so spontaneous that you still can’t even wrap your mind around what happened.

“How would you feel about doing this more often?” Ashton says after a few minutes, his chest moving as he pulls his head away from your neck to lie back against the pillows.

Having casual sex with him? You ponder on the idea. It was definitely one of the best you have ever had, he felt amazing and checked off every box when it came to how to please you. You couldn’t even lie and say that you didn’t find Ash attractive, you are also now officially single, free to due what we you wanted, so fuck it.

“Like… Friends with benefits?” You say, your thumb running against his hand still linked with yours by your head.

“Yeah, friends with benefits,” He confirms.

You let your head swish from side to side as you feel the burning sensation of his love bites strain against your neck as you let out a sarcastic hum to yourself as if you’re thinking it over.

“I wouldn’t mind that.”

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confusionmeisss · 2 months

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luke hemmings just sounds absolutely ethereal when he sings & writes , like i don’t think u understand how much i love his voice & writing style.

#ali’s thoughts & opinions 📼#5 seconds of summer #5sos #luke hemmings #luke 5sos #when facing the things we turn away from #wfttwtaf #lh2 #calum hood #michael clifford #ashton irwin #music #song writing

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completemessash · 1 year

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Make you feel better (a.i.)

notes: this is my first post, yayyyy. feedback, reblogs and comment are greatly appreciated! also follow me for more and requests are open! ❤️

Warnings: boyfriend Ashton, established relationship, blowjob, swallowing, hair pulling, dirty talk, Ashton x reader

×××

Ashton's eyes were half closed as he stared at the ceiling. He had been working on new songs the past days, almost non stop and he was visibly exhausted.

You had offered him his favourite drink, to watch his favourite show with him and asked what he wanted to eat.

He had only replied with a shake of his head or a grunting sound that said no.

But you wanted to make him feel good, he deserved to feel better, he deserved everything.

"Ash?", you tried again, reaching out to brush your knuckles over his thigh.

His eyes slipped closed but he once again didn't say anything.

"Let me make you feel better", you whispered and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

Finally, his tired eyes met yours. "You don't have to do anything, baby. I'm just being a little dramatic."

You shook your head no immediately.

"You worked all week, babe"

"S just music"

"Which doesn't mean it can't be exhausting"

He bit his lip at that. He knew you were right but often he felt like he shouldn't complain about hos job when you worked a hard 9 to 5 job and he got to tour the world and write music.

"Okay?", you asked for reassurance and he smiled. He tried to hold it back by biting his lip once more but he couldn't hide his excitement from you.

"A little something would be nice, I can't deny that", he said coyly.

That was all you needed to slip off the couch and between his already willingly spread thighs.

Your nimble fingers opened his fly, tugging of his pants with your help and letting his underwear follow. He was only half hard but that would be changed soon.

"Babe", he murmured when you didn't start with what you both knew he wanted and instead kissed his hips, slightly biting the soft skin and occasionally 'accidentally' letting his cock brush your jaw or cheek.

His soft curved lips escaped a small gasp when you finally took his tip into your mouth. You made sure to keep your teeth hidden and your tongue dipping into his slit, while your left hand stroked his cock to full hardness.

"Y/N", he moaned your name when you leaned down further and took him into your mouth as far as you could. A pinch to his thigh indicated what you wanted him to do: use you.

"Fuck, fuck", he groaned when his hands grabbed onto your hair and pushed you down until your nose was just barely touching his pelvis. You were choking and struggling to keep breathing but it was okay. He needed this and you wanted to give him everything he wanted even if it meant you were going to die from it. Of course you weren't gonna die and he wouldn't let that happen but you knew that you would do it for him. And he would do the same for you.

An almost high pitched moan pulled you from your thoughts and brought you back to reality. Ashton was thrusting his hips up from the couch, fucking your mouth slowly with his hands still gripping your hair. But you wanted him to moan louder than those small sounds and his hands to be restlessly pulling while his hips stuttered.

So you increased your pace and soon he was following your wish.

"Y/N, fuck", he groaned as his hips gained speed and you felt tears brim your eyes, "You suck my dick so fucking good - love - love when you're such a g - good girl for me"

You let out an appreciative moan that made Ashton throw his head back on the couch, hips thrusting up even more and you had to sig your nails into his thighs to stop the urge to pull off. He was so far down your throat, you couldn't even imagine how sinful the outline of his big hard cock in your cheeks must have looked.

"I'm about to-", he warned you in case you wanted to pull of but you just moaned again and bobbed your head against his thrusts. He noticed the way you couldn't help but spread your own thighs, rolling your hips towards the floor to have it rub over your center but he didn't comment on it. You both knew he was going to do that later and you were already excited for the taunting way he would speak about you having to get yourself off because sucking him off made you so wet.

For now, you were both concentrated on Ashton's hard cock that was starting to twitch lightly in your mouth.

"Fuck, fuck, ah", he moaned louder than before and the same moment he pulled your hair so hard it stung just a little more than you were comfortable with, he cock was spurting into your mouth.

Hot cum was hitting the back of your throat and through watery eyes you watched his eyes squeeze shut and his mouth hang wide open. He was so hot when he was like this and even though you were well aware that you weren't the first one to see him like this, he had promised you often enough that he wanted you to be the last. He was made for you and he wanted you to keep him.

"Show me", his voice was raspy when he asked you, his softening dick resting on his hip.

You obeyed him, all to eager to be that good girl he had called you, and opened your mouth for him.

His fingers danced over your jaw as he hummed like he was considering whether he liked you showing him his cum that was slowly starting tö drip out one of the corners of your mouth so he had to push it back in with his fingers.

He loved it, you both knew that, it made him feel like you belonged to him.

"Good girl, baby", he finally approved and you smiled, then swallowed the sticky mess. For some reason you always loved the taste of it even though to most people cum was disgusting. Maybe it was just him and his tasted good. Too bad that no one else would ever taste it, you thought cockily.

"How do you feel?", you asked when you got off your knees, helping him back into his pants and cuddling into his side. Partly to make sure he wasn't going to get up and go right back to recording music.

"Good", he smiled and pressed a kiss to your swollen lips, "but shouldn't I be asking you that?"

You shrugged. "This was about you, Ash, just for you. Just wanted to make you feel better"

"I'm always better when you're with me"

He laughed when you called him a sap and hit his chest.

Later on, when he asked to repay the favor and you said he didn't have to but he was insisting because getting you off gave him just as much pleasure as you getting him off, you weren't calling him that anymore.

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talkfastromance4 · 2 years

Text

Older--Ashton Irwin oneshot

a/n: this idea popped in my head when I heard this song, it's so beautiful.

word count: 5.3k

warnings: Angst, Big Sad, major character death, mentions of BRCA genes, breast cancer, ovarian cancer, difficult pregnancy, sadness. Please read with caution, this is a heavy one

feedback is always welcome!💕

They’re sitting on the swing of their porch at the lake house watching the ducks swim across the lake, the ripples shimmering in the setting sun. y/n shivers and rests her head on Ashton’s shoulder as he tugs the blanket around her more securely. He continues to glide the swing with gentle pushes of his feet on the faded white wooden boards.

Today was a good day. They woke up, he made breakfast while they sat outside and listened to the forest wake up until Alma finally awoke. The three of them went for a walk, a short one, with Alma settled comfortably on Ashton’s shoulders. He held y/n’s hand tightly as Alma pointed out every song from the birds. While they walked, Ashton and y/n reminisced on how they met.

It was plucked from the scene of a movie, they were both reaching for the same book on the shelf. It was about getting intune with your feelings and thoughts, but of course, it was the last available copy. He giggled and she liked the sound when he said she should take it. She offered to share it once she’s finished and he liked her kindness.

They agreed to come back to the bookstore in a month to exchange it. When he asked for her number she told him it would be in the book.

A month went by and they met at the bookstore. When it was in his possession he noticed the dog eared pages as he flipped through it. There were highlights and written notes in the margins. He searched the front and the back for her name and number but came up empty.

“I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Have a good read.”

“Wait, that’s it? I thought I’d get your number at least or talk about the book.” He was disappointed she wanted to leave so soon.

“My number’s in there,” she nodded. “We can’t talk about it when you haven’t read it yet. Text me when you’re finished.”

He flipped through the pages again but didn’t find any digits. He’d have to read through it to find it.

“Wait! What’s your name?” he called as she almost walked out the door.

“Books are the source of knowledge,” she smiled then left onto the sidewalk.

He never read a book faster in his life. But Ashton also paused to read her thoughts in the margins and wrote down her highlighted phrases in his own journal. It wasn’t until page 237 that her name and number were written at the end of a chapter. He folded the page in half so he could find it right away when he finished; he wanted to text her right away but he wanted to keep his side of the bargain.

Once finished, he surprised her by calling instead of texting. He was disappointed that he got her voicemail but he left one anyway. y/n called back and they made a plan to meet that weekend to discuss the book over some coffee.

They went on many dates after that and by the sixth month she dropped a bombshell on him. She told him she has the BRCA gene and has decided to undergo a double mastectomy to help prevent the gene forming into breast cancer. She wanted Ashton to be aware and that this can end with no hard feelings but he interrupts her.

“Why would I want this to end?”

“Because I’ll be going through a lot, and it’s not your responsibility.”

“I want to help, in any way I can.”

“Ashton, I can’t ask you to do that–”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering. I don’t want this to end, y/n,” he reached over to hold her hand. “I’m in this for the long haul.”

After more conversations, he helped her prepare for the surgery. He sat in the waiting room with Calum by his side. Ashton was right there when she woke up along with her parents (who he just met that morning). He helped her at home and with her exercises. He took her to checkups and when she had reconstruction surgery.

The first time they slept together took a few tries because y/n felt like an alien in her own body with her new breasts but Ashton was very patient with her. It was slow and loving and Ashton knew right as she fell asleep tucked against his chest, that he wanted to be with her forever.

“Ash?” she whispered and it pulled him from his reverie of memories.

“Yeah angel?”

“Can we go inside? I’m getting cold.”

He helps her stand and they slowly walk inside to see Alma–recently turned five– is eating breakfast with Calum and his wife Ida.

“Everything okay?” Calum asks in concern.

“She’s cold,” Ashton nods and they continue their slow shuffle towards the bedroom.

“Hi mommy! I’m eating all my pancakes!” Alma waves her fork with a pancake stuck to it in the air.

“That’s so good, honey, mommy’s proud of you,” y/n smiled and Ashton felt her body shake.

He helps her into their bed and drapes more blankets over her because she’s trembling so badly.

“How’s that, my love?” he asks touching her cheek. It’s cold.

“Better,” she smiled sleepily. “Did we bring the photo album?”

“We brought everything,” he nods. “Want me to get it?”

The photo album is large and heavy in his arms as he brings it over to the bed. He settles in next to her and her head falls on his chest like always and he flips through the first couple of pages. y/n loved taking photos of everything. They could take a day trip somewhere and she’d have a hundred new photos in her phone of flowers, sceneries, signs, and of Ashton. It was a book of their love shared together.

From their first dates to her progress photos from her first surgery, her growing belly that held Alma and everything in between. She pointed at each photo and rekindled a memory that Ashton knew like the back of his hand but he loved listening to her retelling of it.

It’s photos of concerts, vacations, silly photos with food on their faces and then the day she told him she was pregnant. It wasn’t planned at all and they’d only been together a year and a half but they were both so happy.

“You tried to give me an out with that, too,” Ashton accused lovingly and kissed the top of her head.

“I gave you a lot of curveballs,” she sighs and nestles into his shoulder more. “This page is my favorite.”

Her small hand stops his from turning the page. It’s full of photos of them dancing together; at weddings, at birthdays, on the beach. In some, they’re gazing into each other’s eyes but more often than not, her head is resting on his shoulder while their hands are clasped together against their hearts. His cheek resting on top of her head.

The next section is dedicated to Alma. It was a rough pregnancy for y/n because her immune system wasn’t all that good to begin with. She had to take more vitamins than the usual pregnant woman had to but Ashton helped her with that as well. She even had to get fluids because her body wasn’t keeping her hydrated. He pauses on a photo of her in the hospital with a bright smile on her face.

They met with her doctor on an almost weekly basis to make sure things were progressing okay. Her doctors were all surprised she became pregnant so easily in the first place and predicted the pregnancy wouldn’t be an easy one.

They were right.

The morning sickness lasted longer than normal and she had to be hospitalized a few times for that because she couldn’t keep anything down. Ashton hated seeing her like that and wished he could take away her pain, he saw how much it took out of her but she always had a smile on her face whenever she spoke of the baby.

“I hope he looks like you and has your dimples,” she’d say.

“What if it’s a girl?”

“I hope she has your dimples,” she smiled.

The doctor recommended it wasn’t too late to terminate the pregnancy as an option if she didn’t want to keep going through this and that made y/n irate.

“No, I can do this. I want to have this baby, I’m strong enough. I can handle it.”

It sounded to Ashton that she was convincing herself more than the doctor.

“No one is questioning your strength, love,” Ashton rubbed at her hands that always seemed cold to the touch. “It’s just an option so your body doesn’t have to go through these risks. You have eggs frozen, right? We can get a surrogate or adopt–”

“Ashton, I want this baby. I know it’s an option and I appreciate the knowledge of it but I can’t–the baby is healthy and that’s all that matters.”

“Okay. I support you no matter what,” he nodded and the doctor never recommended it again to respect her wishes. He also made sure to keep y/n comfortable.

When the morning sickness ended y/n and Ashton both thought they were in the clear and on a good incline for the rest of the pregnancy. But then she got gestational diabetes and they had to check her blood sugar every couple of hours.

“I’m sorry I’m such a hassle,” she told him one night while he pricked her to check her levels.

“You aren’t a hassle at all,” he shook his head.

“You’re with me around the clock, you haven’t written any music and it’s all my fault–”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he hushed as she began to sob. She was very emotional these days because of her hormones. “Nothing is your fault, okay? I love being with you and taking care of you. I love you, y/n. Just me, just you.”

She had to be bedridden for the last month of the pregnancy and a nurse would come by the house in the morning and at night to check on her. When it came time for the labor it was very swift and unproblematic at all which was a blessing and a huge relief. And their baby girl entered into the world.

Ashton cried when he first saw Alma, a name chosen by y/n because it means nourishing, kind, and soul. Alma was an exact replica of y/n.

“Marry me,” he said above Alma’s hat covered head.

“Okay,” y/n looked up and smiled at him.

Not long after Alma was born, Ashton and y/n were sitting in the doctor’s office. Alma slept soundly in her carrier on the floor, Ashton and y/n’s hands were holding tightly to each other. They were told Alma would more than likely be the only baby y/n could ever carry because her body couldn’t handle the added stressors of another pregnancy. At her last ultrasound, they found something in her uterus and on her pap smear that came up as precancerous. y/n would need a hysterectomy to make sure it doesn’t spread and progress throughout her body.

Ashton covered his face with his free hand and y/n tried to comfort him. The doctor gave them some privacy.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. People get hysterectomies all the time and they’re fine,” she soothed as his body shook with his sobs.

“I hate seeing you go through pain like this again and again,” he sniffed and she wiped at his tears.

“It’ll be okay, I promise. Like you said, we can get a surrogate. I’m just glad I got to carry our sweet Alma.” She gave him that smile that won him over so many months ago. It seems like a different lifetime.

“God, how can you be so positive still? It’s incredible and kind of annoying,” he shook his head and she laughed.

“I’ve dwelled in my sadness so much in the past that I choose not to anymore. And how can I be sad when I have you and Alma? We’ll get through this, honey.”

Her parents came for the surgery and to help with Alma while Ashton aided her during recovery. Recovery took eight weeks, which is two weeks longer than the normal recovery period because she got an infection. The guys helped out as well and made sure they were eating by setting up a meal plan.

Once y/n was recovered fully, she was a completely different person. She barely got a cold and right after Alma’s first birthday, y/n and Ashton finally got married. It was a very last minute ordeal because they both couldn’t wait anymore. Planning took three days but their friends and family helped. Crystal was in charge of caters and the decorations in the backyard. Sierra and Ida–she was only Calum’s girlfriend then–got the dress and flowers.

Michael officiated the wedding and Alma was walked down the aisle by y/n’s mother. Ashton could barely get through his part of the vows when he had to say ‘in sickness and in health’ because he hoped and prayed and wished with everything in him that y/n would never have to endure another sickness again. y/n held his hands and waited patiently until he finally got the vows out. They kissed and danced under the white canopy tent in their bare feet as Luke and Sierra sang a duet.

It was the perfect wedding.

More pages of the album showed memories of taking Alma to the zoo, to the park, to her first concert which was of her daddy playing the drums. There were more birthdays, a trip to Disney World, holidays and then a ton more when they bought the house on the lake. They spent every summer here swimming and taking Alma on the boat.

Shortly after Alma’s fourth birthday, Ashton saw a shift in y/n and as he flipped through the photo album he could physically see it in the photos as well. y/n lost weight at a rapid rate, she barely ate and he finally begged and begged enough that she went to see her doctor.

They were struck with horrible news again.

“How could she have ovarian cancer when you already did the hysterectomy? I thought doing that was supposed to prevent cancer,” Ashton was furious and y/n rubbed at his hand trying to soothe him.

They were told with treatment she could lessen it but her doctor still gave her a year. Ashton wouldn’t accept that. He was angry and scared so y/n agreed to the treatment to try and alleviate Ashton.

He didn’t break down in front of her. It wasn’t until Luke and Sierra sang a new song ‘Older’ that they wrote together and that finally did him in because he didn’t want to get older without y/n by his side. His meltdown over the song forced him to tell Calum, Michael and Luke about y/n’s recent diagnoses. All three of them cried with Ashton and sat in silence trying to keep their brother afloat.

While y/n was undergoing treatment, she didn’t get to go to Calum and Ida’s wedding but she heard all about it from Alma who was their flower girl.

A month before Alma’s fifth birthday, Ashton and y/n spoke with her oncologist again to see how the treatment was going. He gave them a somber expression, his eyes slid to y/n and she nodded in understanding but Ashton was confused.

“What?”

y/n turned to him with tears in her eyes, her voice shook when she answered, “this is it, honey.

It took him a while before her words finally sunk in. He denied it. He shouted. He threw a rampage on the doctor’s desk by knocking things off of it until y/n grabbed him and pulled him back into his chair. She caressed his cheek, tears streaming down both of their faces.

“I am deeply, deeply sorry y/n. You are the strongest person I’ve seen with such a great outlook on everything despite what you’ve gone through. You have no idea how much I hoped that this treatment would work for you. I wish I could give you five more years.”

“She deserves all of the years,” Ashton said and concentrated on the grooves of her hands.

“How much time?” y/n sniffed.

“Six months, maybe a year but that’s a stretch. We can set plans up that will leave you comfortable, whether that be at home, or here. I will do everything I can and that you want.”

“Thank you.”

That night, Ashton and y/n made love and he wasn’t as gentle as he should have been but he didn’t hurt y/n. She knew he was hurting and she wanted to take it away for him, much like how he always wanted to take away the pain she endured. He made love to her passionately, it was as if he was wishing all of his love he was pouring into her would be enough to keep her here with him.

She held him tightly and tenderly as he cried on her shoulder when they laid together after.

“I want you to do something for me,” she whispered in his hair.

“Anything.”

“I don’t want you to waste away when it’s over and I’m gone. You need to take care of Alma and I want you to be happy, okay? I want you to fall in love with someone who will take care of you the way you took care of me.”

“I don’t want anyone else. You’re all I’ve ever wanted and needed.”

y/n cried into his hair and they held each other, neither one of them wanting to talk about a future that now has an expiration date.

When they explained it to Alma, she was silent as her four year old mind tried to comprehend it. She understood her mommy was sick and that one day she wouldn’t be sick anymore but that means she wouldn’t be here with Alma and Ashton.

“I don’t want you to go, mommy,” Alma cuddled into her. They brought her onto their bed to tell her the news, it was the space she ran to whenever she was scared of storms. It was the space she came to feel safe when she had a nightmare.

“I know baby, I don’t want to go either. But when I’m all better, I won’t be too far from you. I’ll be up at the lake house, I’ll be in the water and the sun and in all the birds that sing to you in the morning and at night.”

y/n wrote letters and cards to everyone explaining her love for them. She wrote a letter for each year of Alma’s life that y/n would miss, her birthdays, her graduation, her wedding day, the day she became a mother. She wrote one's for Ashton’s birthdays and their anniversaries. She even wrote special ones for when he wouldn’t know what to do when Alma has a crush or when she gets her first period. She told him where the box of letters and cards were along with the photo album.

They got one last good day together and it was on Alma’s birthday. Ashton and y/n almost forgot she was sick again because that day was so full of love and laughter and so much life. y/n decided she wanted her last days to be at the lake house.

So, they packed up their things and left with Calum and Ida who agreed to come and help with Alma. They had a few more good days but they soon became far and in between. It was two months later when y/n started to get sick and she’d go days without eating. Her eyes darkened from her body shutting down and she didn’t want Alma to see and be frightened so Ida would put concealer on to hide the darkness that never disappeared.

“I love you so much, Ashton,” she said when they finished looking through the photo album. “You are the greatest love of my life and I wish I could have met you sooner.”

“I wish that, too. But I wouldn’t trade the days and years I’ve had with you. You’re the love of my life and no one will ever compare.”

“I want to sleep now, if that’s okay.”

“Of course,” he kissed her head and hummed until she fell asleep.

***

A few days later she regained some of her strength and they danced in the living room with everyone over. The nurse recommended friends and family stay close when she’d come to check on y/n and administer with fluids and pain medication. Her parents flew in and so did Ashton’s mom and siblings.

The lake house was full of people and their bedroom became more crowded with machines to help y/n feel more comfortable.

“Ashton…” she croaked one morning and he could tell in her voice and by her eyes that today was the day.

He put on a brave face and told their families. He called the nurse to come by and stay to help y/n and he called her oncologist to let him know that it was almost time. While he made those phone calls y/n was saying goodbye in their bedroom. Tears were shed and hearts were breaking all around.

Alma could sense something was off and clung to Ashton’s leg while he made calls.

“Daddy, I’m scared,” she told him and he looked into her eyes. y/n’s eyes. She was the perfect replica of y/n and it filled Ashton with joy and an irrevocable sadness.

“I know my love,” he hugged her close, “I’m scared too. But we can be brave for mommy, right? Remember how she told you one day she’ll be better but can’t be with us anymore?” Alma nodded. “Well, today is that day. Your mommy isn’t going to be sick anymore.”

“Does she hurt when she’s sick?”

“Yes.”

“Then I don’t want my mommy to hurt anymore.”

“Me either sweetheart,” Ashton choked out and hugged her even tighter to his chest.

When it’s their turn to go inside, y/n has the biggest smile when she sees Alma.

“There’s my sweet girl!”

Alma climbed onto the bed and Ashton sat on the other side of y/n holding her hand as Alma settled against her mother. She breathed in deeply as y/n rocked her back and forth, stroking her cheek and brushing at her hair. It was a ritualistic habit she’s done ever since Alma was a baby.

“Mommy, are you going to be better now?”

y/n’s eyes met Ashton’s and he saw the tears well in them.

“Yeah baby, I’m going to be better real soon. You know what that means, right?”

“You won’t be with me and daddy anymore,” Alma sniffed. “Can’t you stay?”

“Oh, I wish I could honey. I never want to be a day without you but remember when else I said? I won’t ever be far away from you. I’ll be in here,” she touched Alma’s head, “and here,” and touched her heart, “and everywhere you look. You and daddy are going to be just fine, okay?”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’m your mom, and no matter what your daddy says, I’m always right.”

“You are always right,” Ashton smiled.

“See? I love you so, so much, Alma. Don’t you ever forget that.”

Alma sobs into y/n’s chest and y/n holds her tight whispering soothing words and humming a song in between.

“You are the best thing I’ve ever done in this world.”

“I love you forever mommy.”

“Forever and ever and ever,” y/n whispers back then nods to Ashton.

Ashton has to pry Alma from her mother’s grasp but he knows it’s almost time and he wants Alma to remember y/n this way. Alma kicks at Ashton until y/n’s mother comes in to take her from the room. They hear Alma shouting from beyond the door and Ashton falls to his knees by their bed.

y/n rubs at his hair and hugs him the best she can, letting him cry on the blanket.

“You’ve held on for so long,” she whispers to him. “You can let it all out now.”

When he’s finished and his eyes are bloodshot, he crawls onto the bed carefully so he doesn’t disturb the wires and tubing that are hooked up to her. Their arms are entangled and she rests her head against his neck.

“Can you feel it?” he asks after a while.

“Yes.”

“What does it feel like?”

“Like I’m going to finally have rest,” she sighs.

They talk and look through the album some more and the nurse comes in to give her some more pain medication then leaves them alone once more. Ashton pets her hair and kisses her eyelids, memorizing all of her features that he has memorized time and time again. He feels her relax as the medicine kicks in, her breath has become more even.

“My dear devoted delicate,” she whispers and tilts her head up. “Kiss me.”

He gives her the softest brush of his lips against hers, it tastes like salt and love. She’s still so fragile and weak that he’s scared to hurt her.

“You and Alma are my life and my love” she says on his lips.

“And you’re mine, forever and ever.”

“Sing to me, please.”

He cradles her head close so he’s singing directly to her, his thumb strokes at her cheek.

“I don’t want to get older, without your head on my shoulder…on the day that you leave me I’ll forever be bleeding love…it’s not worth it if I lose my one-way ticket for two, just me…just you…just me…just you…”

He felt her slip away as he repeated the last few words, his singing shifted to whispers as the door opened and her nurse walked in to monitor the machine. Their loved ones stood outside the door as Ashton held onto her, singing and humming with the monitor slowing, slowing, slowing….

He felt her last breath, an exhale that sounded like his name. A last declaration of her love was expelled into the universe and Ashton’s world spun slower until it finally stopped when her head fell onto his shoulder one last time.

A Year Later

Ashton always wakes up before the sun and he wanted to make sure he’d wake Alma up at just the right time so she’d see the sunset with him. It’s their first time benign back at the lake and it’s been exactly one year since y/n passed. He couldn’t find it in himself to sleep in their room so he slept on the couch then he’d be able to hear Alma if one of her nightmares woke her up.

The first couple months without y/n were the worst of his life. Alma had night terrors as soon as the funeral was over. It was a lovely service and Ashton abided by all of y/n’s wishes. There were momentous amounts of flowers, a dozen photo boards and her favorite music playing over the speakers but as the final song she requested he play ‘When I’m Gone’ by Joey + Rory.

Ashton held it together until that very moment because he hadn’t heard that song since y/n played it for him when they were discussing her wishes. Alma climbed in his lap and they hugged each other tight, crying together.

Since her funeral, Alma couldn’t sleep and when she did she’d have terrible nightmares. She described them as dark shapes and seeing y/n but that ‘mommy was scary.’ Alma slept with Ashton in his bed for the first six months but each night got a little better and she can sleep in her own bed now.

He’s just finished pouring hot milk over the hot cocoa mix when he hears the door to her room open and Alma’s little feet smack on the floor.

“Daddy?”

“In the kitchen, peanut,” he calls to her and adds in the mini marshmallows. They always share a cup of coffee and cocoa together in the morning.

She steps in front of him, her Little Mermaid nightgown reaching just below her knees with a teddy bear that was y/n’s growing up held tightly against her chest. She’s rubbing at her eyes.

“Good morning,” Ashton smiles softly. “How did you sleep?”

“Good. I saw mommy and she was happy we’re here.”

“You did? That’s wonderful. How about we go for a walk in the woods like we did with mommy after we watch the sun come up and eat breakfast?”

“Yeah!”

“It’s almost time, let’s head out on the porch. Can you grab that big blanket over there?” He nods to the large quilt that was made from patches of pictures of y/n. It was a gift given to Ashton and Alma for Christmas and they always snuggled underneath it when they’d talk about y/n.

“I’m strong, I got it!” she squeals and hefts the large blanket in her little arms.

“That’s my girl,” Ashton smiles, “come on.”

Once they’re outside on the porch, Ashton drags over the bench so they can set their mugs on it. He brought the photo album out too so he and Alma can look at it while the sun comes up. Alma hops on the swing and Ashton settles the quilt over them.

“There we go, nice and cozy, right?” he asks hugging her close and kisses the top of her head.

“Yeah,” Alma smiles and stares out at the lake. A lone duck skirts onto the water. “Daddy?”

“Hmm?”

“I feel like mommy’s here.”

“I feel that too, peanut. But she’s always with us because we carry her in our hearts.”

“Where do you see her? ‘Cause I see her in the flowers at home and when it’s sunny while it rains.”

“I see her in everything, but I mostly see her in you,” Ashton pokes her nose. “You look just like your mommy, Alma.”

“I do?” she perks up at that.

“You definitely do,” he grins.

They stare out at the water watching the duck swim lazily through the water and the sun starts to peek over the trees. The sky is a brilliant orange and extends out in pinks and blues, the sun is chasing away the night. A mockingbird begins to sing somewhere amongst the trees and a breeze brushes his cheek.

“Hi my love,” he murmurs knowing it’s y/n.

He feels her all around this place and at first, he thought he’d come here and realize he hates it and never return. The first night was rough for sure but sitting out here with Alma fills him with peace. He looks down at his daughter and sees her strength and all her love exuding out of her, traits she inherited from y/n. He kisses the top of her head.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you sing the song mommy always liked?”

Ashton sucks in a breath, he hasn’t played that song since y/n’s death and the guys were more than understanding to not play it in front of him. It was a beautiful song but it just hurt too much. Gazing into Alma’s eyes and seeing y/n staring back at him…how could he refuse?

“Of course I can,” he says and clears his throat, “I don’t want to get older without your head on my shoulder, on the day that you leave me I’ll forever be bleeding love…it’s not worth it if I lose my one-way ticket for two, just me…just you…”

While he was singing y/n’s favorite parts of the song, Alma rested her head on Ashton’s shoulder. He may not grow older with y/n, but he’ll get to see his little girl grow up.

“Just me…just you…”

Taglist: @calumance @in-superbloom @calpalirwin @karajaynetoday @wiiildflowerrr @sunshineeeluke @littledrummeraussie @suchalonelysunflower @hoodhoran @Fobodob @thew0rldneedsmcreycghurt @sunshineeashton @ashtonsunflower @mymindwide @itjustkindahappenedreally @seanna313 @mulletcal @pandaxnienke @hellasblessed @gwynethhberdara @in-a-world-of-fandoms @blairscott

#ashton irwin one shot #ashton irwin angst #ashton irwing writing #ashtong angst #ashton 5sos writing #5sos writing #ashton fic #ashton irwin fanfic #5sos fanfic

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indianamgc11 · 1 year

Text

high infidelity

a/n: i’ve been working on this for around a weekish and i’m so happy it’s finally finished. its inspo comes from “high infidelity” by taylor obvi, specifically because of one line, but it just kind of ended up inspiring this whole story with Cal. (positive and helpful) feedback is appreciated :)

warnings: light swearing, subject of “cheating” in a committed relationship, long term relationship, mentions and actions of marriage, lots of angst, fluff, bunch of feels

word count: 2,495

The conversation had been racing though your mind since you walked out of the house. Each of your schedules have been incredibly busy but you still found time with each other. But lately it’s been getting harder to. Calum’s in the studio double the time now and your work is piling up. The only sight you saw of each was getting home at night and sleeping in the same bed. Now who’s to say that will continue either.

••

You were able to come home a little early that day and wanted to do something nice for the two of you. Calum’s more of the cook in the house so you order your favorite takeout dishes and text him.

You: Hey babes, you gonna be home soon? You: I got off a little early so maybe we could do something?

Calum: Hey darling, I’m gonna be in the studio a bit longer but I should be out soon. And I’d love that❤️”

You decide to go upstairs and take a quick shower to destress a bit before Cal comes home. You undress and step in the shower, feeling the warm water slide down your body and exhale. You quickly wash your hair and body before getting out and wrapping up in a towel, then pick one of his old shirts and a pair of leggings to wear.

The food arrives just as you go downstairs, bringing it to the kitchen with Duke following closely behind to the smell of the takeout. After setting up the food on the table, you go to the living room and put on an Arctic Monkeys record, and sit down, pulling out your phone as Duke comes up in your lap. You respond to some text messages and check your emails before going on Instagram, scrolling through your feed as usual.

A few pictures in and a photo pops up of a couple holding hands while walking in a boardwalk, taken by the pap. You don’t think much of it because you hear the door open and immediately put your phone down on the couch and get up to see calum walk through the door, looking tired but happy to be home. You run up to him and hug him with your arms around his waist and him likewise.

“Missed you bubba” you say into his chest as he puts his head down into your neck, enjoying the touch of you.

“Missed you too darlin.’” You could tell by his body language and his tone that he was tired.

“Long day?”

“Hmm” he hummed into your neck as you both slightly swayed in your embrace. You continued to stand there a little longer before you pull away, taking his hand to lead him into the kitchen.

“Chinese?” He asked as he, along with Duke, started to smell the foreign food from the room. “Of course” you smiled as you both entered the kitchen. You both sit down and enjoy the meal in comfortable silence. Calum reaches over for your hand and you’re intertwined with his, stroking the surface of his lightly with your thumb.

You finish the food and start on the dishes, Calum taking Duke outside for a minute. You hear him come back inside and shut the door, but hear the sound of him talking. Assuming it was to Duke, thinking nothing of it.

You hear his footsteps behind you as he wraps his arms around you from behind, lightly kissing your neck as you finish up washing the dishes.

“Missed you” he mumbles into your neck as you start to turn around and face him. “Missed you too bubs” you say, pecking his lips.

“Is that Arctic Monkeys?” he says as he pulls away.

“Yeah, it’s the new record I bought, figured it would be nice” you smile as your hand goes up to his curls at the nape of his neck to play with a bit.

“Shall we dance?”

“We shall” you smile as he leads you to the living room.

“R U Mine?” comes into your head more clearly as you both now stand in the living room, your hands settled around his neck and his around your waist once again. You both begin swaying and enjoying the moment that you never wanted to end.

Calum was never around much anymore, always so busy in the studio or with the guys. It wasn’t much better for you either sometimes, always in classes or working in your free time. So these sweet moments you tend to cherish, not knowing when the next one would be.

Your head is on his chest with his chin resting on top of your head, Cal humming along to the song, when you feel something buzz. You hope for him not to notice his phone going off in the pocket of his leather jacket, but if you felt it then of course he would to. He drops his hands and reaches for it, walking out of the room before the phone was even up to his ear. He holds up his pointer finger to you before you can ask questions, slightly whispering. “Be right back,” before jogging up the stairs.

You go to the base of the stairs and see him over the corner of the top railing, going up a few steps. You back up a far enough distance away so you can still hear without him knowing, and end up hearing words nobody wants to hear their significant other say in earshot, at least not to you. You quickly grab your phone and jacket, putting on your shoes and headphones before slamming the front door loud enough so he could hear. Thinking too fast to grab your keys, you continue to walk down the sidewalk angrily and hurt without any intention of going back for the night at least.

He fucking lied. All the times the words of “I love you” or sweet nothings after every moment of passion meant nothing to him. It started to rain as you turned the corner past the end of your road, the water adding to the tears already falling down your face. What shocked you the most at the moment of this whole betrayal was that you never even saw it coming. It felt like you were blind and couldn’t see his tricks or what was real, if anything was. He ripped open a wound that felt like it would never heal, and knocked down doors of yours that might not be repaired. Doors only he could open. He meant everything to you, but he couldn’t seem to return the favor.

The rain had let up a bit as you walked to your best friend’s doorstep, ringing the doorbell and the door opening, y/f/n knowing just from the look on your face. She lets you in and hugs you tight, not caring about the soaking wet coat or muddy shoes.

“Can I-“

“Don’t even say anything. I’m here for whatever you need.” Y/f/n said as you continued to cry until no tears were left.

••

You woke up in her guest room the next morning, eyes puffy and the pillow damp from crying yourself to sleep last night. Your hair was a disheveled mess and your senses a little hazy. Then last night comes rushing back to you. Tears begin to well in your eyes once again as you bring your hands to cover your face, rocking slightly back and forth and beginning to cry again. You stop yourself, letting out a heavy exhale, and get up from the bed, your bare feet hitting the cold floor as you level yourself.

You slowly trod into the bathroom, seeing your reflection— and the shirt you were wearing. It was one of his. One that you’ve worn so many times it’s basically considered yours now rather than his. Now you can’t stand being in it or looking at it or touching it. Thinking of all the memories attached to it made you want to, well, cry. You fanned your eyes so more tears wouldn’t fall and walked back into the room and out to go the kitchen.

Y/f/n was leaning against her counter sipping a mug full of coffee and her glance turned to you, setting down the mug and coming over to hug you.

“Don’t cry hun, you’re ok. You want some coffee?”

You give her an appreciative nod and she smiles in return, turning to start the cup for you. You walk over to the window across the space, looking out onto the street. It seemed peaceful. For once in the last 12 hours, it provided a sense of calming in a way. Not many people drive down this road, it not being a main one.

But peace never seems to last long.

It didn’t here either, as an all too familiar car drove into sight and into the driveway. Eyes widening slightly as a panic set in, backing away to the counter. Y/f/n turned around asking what was wrong, and telling her in a shaky voice, she responds with the reality of the matter.

“This is where you have to come in, y/n. There are times where you can lean on someone, and others when you can’t. You have to settle this somehow, I’ll support you either way, but you have to decide which way to go.”

You both understand with a knowing look and a nod, and you go to the front door, anxiously pacing and looking through the front window for what seems like every second. A blurry figure starts to walk up, tall with gorgeous skin and fluffy hair, anxiously messing with the silver rings around his fingers. The knock on the door only happens once but rings in your head a little longer than it should. Your hand reaches to open the door knob but it’s the opposite of what you wanted to do. For all you care, you would’ve kicked it open.

You twist the knob and open the door to be greeted with a pair of pleading eyes, searching in yours as soon as you make eye contact. Calum is the first to break the deafening silence.

“My shirt.”

“Hm? Oh” you respond with a surprise that that was the first thing to come out of his mouth in this situation.

“Wanted to keep something of you to myself.” Your tone was cold. You had no reason to be sympathetic towards him.

“Y/n, I-“ was all he could say before you went off.

“How could you. I’ve loved you ever since I was 14 years old. I would give anything for you, drop all my plans just to be with you, gave my heart to you just for you to fucking pellet it to the ground. Finding assholes wasn’t as hard as I thought I guess,”

Angry was an understatement. Pacing throughout the hall was all you could do, your hands going from your hair to each other, twiddling your thumbs in an awful manner. All he did was watch. He knew better than to interrupt you would make matters worse then they already are between you two. You stop and stand in place, just looking at him in disbelief, eyes watering, mouth moving with no sound coming out of it.

You slid back against the wall, tears falling and curling up to yourself, mind running with thoughts and memories you don’t even want to think.

Feeling footsteps and another body next to you, instinct takes over and you lean in, overlooking all things running around your mind. You slowly shift your body onto his lap, arms coming up around his neck and leaning your head into his shoulder, continuing to cry as his wrap around your waist. He pets your hair and rubs up and down your back, letting you do what’s needed.

After you calm down enough, he says something at first you don’t even register it. Retracting your head to look at him and give him a slightly puzzled look, he repeats himself.

“Do you really wanna know where I was April 29th?”

Did I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes? you thought.

Your stared him down, completely unblinking. He had cheated on you, you didn’t want to listen, but something compelled you to. He was your friend, your boyfriend, someone you trusted, so you caved.

“Where were you April 29th exactly.” You hiss, eyes narrowed.

You cross your arms, staring him dead in the eye, hesitant to even lean on him. You didn’t truly want to listen to him, but you believed he could tell you the truth, even if he’s lied to you in a way you never imagined he would.

“I was shopping.”

“Excuse me?”

“I was shopping, for this.”

He reaches into his pocket with your eyes intently following his every move. In his hand is a small leather box. Your eyes widened,

“Cal,” you breathe.

“Y/n, I’ve loved you ever since I laid my eyes on you. You’d drop everything and meet me in the pouring rain. You care for me and love me more than anyone else would or even could. The person I was talking to was your sister, she was helping me put this together.”

“I love you.” He breathed with relief, nothing but pure elation coursing through his veins.

“Yeah I know. You’re so lucky I know what she likes.”

“So it was her on the other line?” you questioned.

“Yes love, I would never cheat on you, are you kidding? You’re the only one I have eyes for, hands for, love for.”

He removes his other hand from your hip to open the tiny box, revealing a beautiful crested ring, shining in the sunlight coming through the window. Your hands fly up to cover your mouth as it drops open in awe.

“Y/n I love you so much and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else but you. So, will you marry me?”

“Yes Cal, yes.” you exclaim, tears welling from a different emotion. Your hands cup his face as you kiss him, full of passion and excitement as you both smile into it.

You stop to admire the moment, foreheads against one another’s as each of you smile, wondering how your smile could get any wider. He looks down at the ring and brushes his hand over yours, taking it and gingerly sliding the ring onto your hand, both admiring it.

“I can’t believe this.” you giggle, looking from him to the ring.

“Believe it, baby.” he responds, pulling you in for another tender kiss.

He murmured soft ‘I love you’s’ against your skin. This time, this time you knew he would never lie to you. He was yours, and you were his. With a small laugh, you hug him tight, tears in your eyes, this time from excitement.

“I love you Y/N. I’ve loved you before I knew who you were.”

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starvinginbelair · 9 months

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"We're close yeah. Especially with our songwriting thing. I really love writing-I love writing with all the guys, they have different muses that you engage with, and we all write a specific kind of song together but...Luke and I have a special relationship with our songwriting stuff. It's kinda like we don't allow anything to touch it. Like even if him and I had a disagreement or something, we'd still write a song together the next hour cause it's compartmentalized in a space that's safe. And just creative and respectful."

— ashton irwin on his creative relationship with luke hemmings on artist friendly

#5sos #ashton irwin #luke hemmings #lashton #ash is very profound in this podcast i feel and it was such a great look into his mindset as a musician #i personally loved it #this is also so fun because luke and ash never really like wrote together one on one until youngblood #so like did they just not ??? realize ???? that this was their writing relationship ????? FOR FIVE YEARS?????#i also adore the way they love each other like #you can tell it's a very safe relationship for them both #5sos quotes

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lipringlrh · 1 year

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wait in the car? - afi

summary: ashton’s driven you home but the song playing is too good for you to leave without finishing it.

pairing: ashton irwin x genderneutral!reader, friends to lovers

an: hiya if you read this, go give some love too to my ‘babe ruth’ titled post please:) reblogs are incredibly appreciated.

word count: 665

requested: yes

warnings: both reader and ashton get called pretty, kissing, fluff

feedback appreciated!!

…

You’d just been out for a meal with one of your closest friends - Ashton. He’d been incredibly sweet the whole night, as normal, and had offered to drive you home.

Your head was rested against the window sneaking quick glances at Ashton when you noticed you were pulling up close to your house. Ashton’s phone was playing music quietly throughout the car, leaving both you and him in a comfortable silence.

Ashton looked at you as the music paused to move onto the next song, “sitting tight? Y’still okay?” You are in love by taylor swift began playing as you nodded at him, smiling. He smiled back, moving to squeeze your knee, then subsequently leave his hand there.

“m’perfect.” you whispered as you pulled up in front of your house, “is this goodnight then?”

Ashton paused, looking back at his phone. “wait in the car a minute? The songs too good for you to not finish listening to it.” You nodded back at him. You were both looking at each other now, eyes trained on the other person, never once daring to leave.

“This song reminds me of you,” he blurted out. He seemed to realise he said that out loud by the shock and confusion written on your face. “Not that i’m in love with you - not that i’m saying that’s bad, i’m sure you’re a lovely person to fall in love with - just it mentions best friends and you’re mine?” he rambled.

You’re still sat there, just looking at him, listening to the words of the music. You’re heart ached hearing him say he wasn’t in love with you yet also fixed itself knowing it all sounded like utter bullshit.

Ashton was still looking at you when he spoke again, “you look really pretty, today.”

You felt your face heating slightly, again when you notice his eyes are trained on your lips. “You do too, Ash.”

His face flushes, his eyes meeting yours then staring at your lips again. He was overwhelmed by you, all he could do was focus on you, nothing else. “Fuck it,” he leaned in over the console and grabbed your top, pulling you closer, his other hand cupping your face, “can i please kiss you?”

Your heart was pounding inside of you, one beat away from flying out of your skin. Your breathe halted and you couldn’t move. When you took a hold of yourself again, the only thing you could do was nod, and almost instantaneously, his mouth was on yours.

His lips were gentle, sliding across yours. They were warm and soft, devouring you with such care and love, heating you up inside. You could feel the love build up from previous years as you moved your body onto his, sitting on his lap, merging you both into one.

It’s so hard to stop - you never want it to end. This is the moment you’ve dreamt of - you don’t want to know what happens heat. This is it. Nothing else matters to either of you anymore except the sweet taste of the other. You were the first to pull away, eventually, no matter how little you wanted to.

“ash,” you whispered, almost as if you didn’t want him to hear you, but he was too close to miss it.

He didn’t respond. His hands were still on you when he looked at you again, “we just kissed.”

You were about to start shaking - was this a good thing? He looked so drawn away and unfocused, did he actually want that? You were about to question him when he repeated it again, this time with a strong smile, “we just kissed.”

You were both smiling uncontrollably, you’re for heads pressed together. Ashton pressed his lips to yours again, leaving you both just smiling into the other.

You pulled away again, still both grinning like maniacs, the song you’d forgotten all about drifting to a close, “do you want to come in?”

requests are open + feedback is welcome.

#ashton irwin x reader #ashton irwin fluff #5sos #5 seconds of summer #5sos x reader #5sos imagines #5sos fluff #luke hemmings x reader #5sos imagine #5sos fan fiction #5sos angst #calum hood #michael clifford #luke hemmings #5sos fanfic #my writing

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suchalonelysunflower · 11 months

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Happier Than Ever (Stay) (A.I)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x Fem!Singer! Reader

Summary: Based on the songs Happier than Ever by Billie Eilish and Stay by Post Malone. pt 2 of YOYOK. You go back to L.A and old friends open old wounds

Warnings: ANGST. This is very, very based on my own experience so this is my therapy session with you guys, sorry. Mentions of abuse, death, melancholia, psychological abuse, sad times, curse words. And grammar errors (I didn't even check twice, I'm sorry)

Word Count: 8.7 k

Author's Note: Hey, I'm back because I've missed you and I needed to get this fit out of my chest and survive it. Please, if you like it reblog it and comment, I love to know your thoughts. SUPPORT YOUR WRITERS THAT WE'RE GETTING FEWER AND FEWER HERE. Thank you. Hope you like it and happy reading

YOYOK / Masterlist

“Hey,… I know it’s been a long time since we last saw each other. I’ve heard the new album is coming along great, I’m so happy for you. You… You seem happy, or at least that’s what I can see on social media. I just- I heard you were coming back home- I mean, L.A for some time and well, I was wondering if we could catch up? If you don’t have a place to stay maybe you could crash into mine, like the old times. But you probably already… Anyhow, just call me or text me if you want to. I would really love to-”

When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever Wish I could explain it better I wish it wasn't true

You love the feeling of being above the clouds. So close to the sky that you marveled on the technological advances that allowed you to feel free.

“Mom, look!” You thought “I’m in the clouds, so high above. Is this the feeling you were always dreaming about?”

A pang of nostalgia stabbed your heart, wishing your mom could be there with you experiencing all of this. But she was back at home, safe and sound on the surface. You knew it was for the best, that you could miss her a little bit more before your heart begged you to go and visit, even when your mind knew better than to believe those rose colored glasses of memory.

Was it the feeling of familiarity that made you feel safe even when it hurt? Maybe. Still, you wish you could’ve shown the world to her, give her everything on a silver platter and say “Mom, I did it. I can take care of you now”

What would she say?

You know she’s proud and she’s thankful for everything you’ve done for her. Still, it doesn’t feel like enough. Her eyes just won’t shine the same way; her smile would change; and the hug won’t ever feel as comforting as you’d expected. Your heart would tell you that she loves you, but your mind would always go back to those moments where you doubted it could ever be unconditional. So you’ve learned to miss her a little bit longer each time. Longer until you learn to miss her for the rest of your life.

It was not a foreign feeling, but it was one that you learned to feel and apply to your life. With time you’ve known the patterns, you’ve learned to grow and let go because that’s not the energy you need to spend even a bit of your mind over. You could miss the happy moments but know that they don’t fit anywhere with the person you want to be most. For your own good, you needed to learn how to let go.

The path was not easy - having to teach your heart not to bleed itself dry for the memory of past times. All the tears and the hurt, it was all part of healing what other people broke. So, the beauty of the cracks made you see just how worthy you are. Even if sometimes the water leaks and your mind starts a whirlwind of doubt, you would never come back to the person you used to be when the people that you loved most didn’t love you as you deserved.

Since then, you found yourself thriving. Not only in your career as a musician, with your lyrics that resonated with a lot of people and even made you gain a considerable number of new fans; but, also with yourself. You started loving more freely, more authentically. you saw yourself in a better light and wished people from your past could see just how much better you are without them. Not to be mean or to gloat, but for them to know that you didn’t cave, that life was meant to be lived and you will be doing just that even if they’re not part of it anymore. You wanted them to be happy for you, just as happy as you are for them.

Still, it scared you to go back to L.A, a place that has seen you at your worst and was the cause of your declining mental health. Even if it was for a short period of time, you knew you couldn’t stay there. Your place, the place that you belong was somewhere across the sea; far from anything and anyone that could make you feel like you once did. Like you didn’t matter.

Yet, no process of healing is ever complete until the cycle of hurt is broken. There were some things in your chest that begged for you to say them. Now it was time to let them out. And, if you were honest, a tiny bit of curiosity tied itself to that feeling. There were just too many unanswered questions still left hanging in thin air. The problem was that you didn’t know if you’d like the answers.

“Hey, Y/N” Your agent called your attention as she sat next to you “I need to confirm the last dates for your airbnb, are you sure you want to shorten your stay?”

You smiled softly at her “Yeah, I will be staying with some friends after”

“Okay, but are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. There’s a lot of things we need to catch up”

Every time we make-up, the truth is fading' Everybody's blind when the view's amazing'

It was weird to feel foreign in a place that helped shape you into the person you are now. But, then again, L.A never felt like home. Australia didn’t either, even though that’s what you’ve been saying in all the interviews when they asked what’d you miss more from home. “My family, the sweets, my friends, the sun…” But the sun did shine in other places; your family, you realized, never made any difference; the sweets could be ordered online; and your friends… Your friends changed. In the end, home never felt like home because you could create it everywhere you’d go.

There just places you’ve been. Home is something else, something you haven’t found yet.

Still, if you had to admit something is that the sun in L.A shines differently than in other places. It always seemed like you were entering a strange dimension, always playing “Something about the sunshine” on loop inside your mind.

You’ve been there a month and so. Enough time to have meetings and writing retreats that lasted a weekend. You’ve been to social required events, just as you do every couple of months to show your agency that you do know just how lucky you are. You’ve been to concerts, gave concerts, left concerts early to go and drink some wine curled up with a book in your bathtub in the hotel room. A small holiday mixed with a little bit of work, you’d say.

But you were leaving in a week, and there are still some things left on the schedule.

You sighed as you grabbed your bag from the sidewalk. The driver was kind enough to offer his assistance, but you would much rather face this by yourself first. During the drive you’ve imagined what it would feel like. Seeing him again. You wondered if your heart was beating faster than usual because of excitement or anxiety. In all honesty you didn’t know what to expect or even if you should be expecting something out of this experience.

Yet, you made up your mind to try and heal this. Get the answers that you longed for and be able to move on completely free. So, once the car drove away, you walked up to the door you’ve only seen in pictures before, and rang the bell.

For a moment you wondered if he remembered. Hoping that, in the end, his proposal of having you as his guest wasn’t just a passing comment he made. After all, you didn’t know when you’ll be back in the city or if your schedule would ever be as free in L.A as it is now. And even if he forgot and didn’t expect you, well, you can’t say you’d be surprised. Thank goodness for back-up plans.

“Coming!” You heard moments before the door opened, barely giving you time to prepare.

There he was. His hair was longer, somewhat a few tones lighter than the last time you saw him. His eyes took a couple of blinks to recognize you, changing the gleam in that hazel color you used to share so many secrets with. He smiled at you, the ghost of a laugh hidden in the dimples you used to poke at lunchtime, claiming that it wasn’t fair that he got to be the pretty one of the two of you. And for a moment, the man standing in front of you was the same kid you met all those years back, and you couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey!” Ashton sang with a laugh, stepping closer into your space and hugging you with one arm as the other took your bag out of your hands “I’m so glad to see you! It’s been so long”

“Yeah,” You softly said, pulling back just enough to analyze his face “Thanks for the invite, Ash”

“Of course! I know you’re not a big fan of hotels anyway and, you know, it’s good to have you back. You’re always welcome to stay here when you’re in town”

He opened his arm toward the door and invited you in. You tried not to think about the fact that this was the first time you stepped foot into his house ever since he moved to L.A. He invited you before when you first moved, but schedules were complicated back then and after a while he stopped offering.

It was hard to think that once you used to live at his house back in Australia. Always trying to escape whatever nonsense was happening over at yours. At some point, you lost count how many times you ended up napping on his bed while he played some dumb internet game on his computer or watched a really dumb movie because “You don’t understand, Y/N, Seth Rogen is a genius” And you didn’t understand because even then you thought Seth Rogen was a creep, but it didn’t matter. You were in your safe space. You were with him. And he probably didn’t even know just how much that meant to you.

Now as you look around, you couldn’t help but search for that same feeling. A sign telling you it’ll be okay.

“Sorry, I know the living room is a little messy”

You turned to watch him look around the place with a slight blush on his cheeks. You smiled kindly at him.

“It’s okay, I’m not one to talk either” You turned back to the room “This place… suits you. It’s a lot like I imagined. Very artsy, very you”

He looked at you confused for a while “Yeah, I haven’t changed it much since -” He caught himself before he could continue and tried to cover his realization with a cough “No, yeah. Thanks! Come, your room is over here”

Once he settled your bag on the bed you went and sat next to it. Silence falling over the two of you as he stood awkwardly at the door.

“I hope everything is-”

“Everything is lovely, Ash” You smiled “Thank you”

He nodded and looked away. Hands hid inside of his pockets as he thought of the right thing to say. But nothing seemed to come to mind.

Suddenly, you felt out of place. Incredibly conscious that maybe you were an inconvenience now that you were there. Maybe, after all, he didn't want you there. You wanted to take this chance to meet him and talk, knowing you couldn’t just pretend that the years of separation and the strangeness you now felt toward each other didn’t exist. Yet, judging by his stand, there might not be a chance to bring those old moments back.

“So, how long are you staying in L.A for?” He asked. And he must’ve seen the way your face fell in disappointment for he quickly followed by saying “Not that I’m not happy that you’re here, of course, I invited you. Just wondering because that bag is just-”

“Oh. Yeah, no. My other bags are still at the hotel”

“The hotel?”

“Yeah, I just asked my team if I could leave them there since we leave in a week and I don’t need much to get by while I’m here and so…”

“Wait,” Ashton shook his head “You’ve been in L.A for a while now?”

“A month or so”

“And you didn’t tell me? Y/N, I offered you a place to stay for a reason”

You frowned “Ash, I did tell you. Last time we texted to see when I was arriving, I told you I was already here”

“No, you said-” He protested as he took out his phone and you watched him scroll down to your conversation. His words got caught up once he read those messages again “I- I though-”

“I have been incredibly busy these past few days, hence why I didn’t want to inconvenience you with my crazy schedule and all. This last week is all I have to relax and so I thought that we could catch up this week before I leave?”

“No, no, no yeah, you’re totally right.” He said, running a hand through his face, embarrassedly “I’m just an idiot”

You looked at him quizzically.

“Everything okay, Ash?”

“I thought we had more time, that’s all” He smiled softly at you “Anyway, ready for tonight?”

“Tonight?” You asked, a small smile forming in your face.

“Yeah! I’m taking you to dinner to celebrate your new album!”

Ashton started to dance awkwardly, making you laugh as you shook your head at him.

“You really don’t have to do that, you know?”

“I want to!” He said “You’ll see, just be ready by seven”

He clapped his hands and left the room. A warm feeling spread through your chest on the fact that he wanted to celebrate you and your success. It finally felt like he cared, like he hasn’t forgotten about you. This really was a chance to put all bad things in the past and start anew.

Or at least, that’s what you hoped.

You scared me to death, but I'm wasting my breath 'Cause you only listen to your fucking friends

Fuck off and pour another drink And tell me what you think You know that I'm too drunk to talk right now

You knocked on his door at fifteen past seven. You decided to wear your favorite light blue top with black, wide leg pants and some low heels. You didn’t really know where he was supposed to take you or how you should dress, so you went with the most comfortable but chic thing you could find given that you didn’t plan to go out as much.

When Ashton opened his door you took a step back to look at him. He was wearing jeans and a wide, white shirt. You could feel your cheeks blush, and had to look down to hide it. It was an awful familiar feeling that you thought you could leave behind knowing that it was extremely pointless to feel the way you once did.

And just like all those years back, he didn’t notice. But for the first time you were glad he didn’t.

“Sorry I made you wait” He said with a smile, closing the door behind him.

“It’s okay,” You said, looking up with a shy smile.

Ashton walked past you to grab his keys, the path he created with his cologne left you dumbfounded for a minute. It was a different smell, one that you weren’t familiar with.

“Why do you have so many colognes?” You asked him once, walking over to his small desk while he wrote what was left of his assignment. Ashton looked up and chuckled when he saw you puffing them into the air to smell them and making faces at each one “They’re mostly presents from my family. I think my aunts were trying to tell me something last year”

“Well, at least they have good taste” You said, trying on the one that had a clear, almost orangy color bottle “Yeah, I’m taking this one home”

“No the hell you’re not!” He got up and took the bottle away from you, raising his arm over his head so that you couldn't catch it. It was his favorite pastime to remind you just how short you were back then “This is my favorite one!”

“You never use it!”

“I will!”

After a couple more tries to grab it from his hands you saw yourself surrender and falling onto his bed again “If you don’t wear it at least five times a week, I’ll take it”

“Deal” He said with a smile, throwing one of his hoodies at you from the floor “And then you will hate it so much because it’ll remind you too much of me that you won’t even want it afterward”

You never told him that it would be the opposite.

Next thing you know, Ashton has parked and was getting out of the car. You looked around and you were surrounded by nice streets and expensive houses. You opened the door and looked over at Ashton who was nodding his head toward one of the houses.

“C’mon” He said with a smile.

“Where are we? Is this a new restaurant I haven’t heard about or…?” “What? No,” He chuckled, ringing the doorbell “Is my friend Andrew’s home. He invited us over for dinner to celebrate that he came back from tour as well”

You were at a loss for words, “He invited us?”

“Yeah, I told him you were coming. Why, what’s wrong?”

A lot. You wanted to tell him. A lot was wrong. How could he not see what he was doing? If he had told you that you were just going to a friend’s house then you wouldn’t have looked so out of place, or feel like a fish out of water. You didn’t know who this Andrew was, you didn’t even know if Ash had actually told them that you were coming or if you’re just going to turn up at this reunion/party for his friend. He said it was to celebrate you.

But before you could voice your concerns to him, the door opened and a guy with a big mop of hair jumped in to hug him.

“Dude! I’m so happy you could make it!” He - Andrew, apparently - smiled widely at Ash, chatting with him for a minute before he noticed you standing beside him “Oh, hi!”

“Hi,” You smiled shyly, extending your hand in greeting knowing Ashton was not going to introduce you judging by the face he just made, seemingly embarrassed of that fact “I’m Y/N”

“Of course!” Said Andrew, shaking your hand and pulling you in for a kiss on the cheek that you weren’t expecting “I heard so much about you, I didn’t know you were friends with this guy here”

“Yeah! We’re friends since the old Australian days” Ashton said, smiling at you “Y/N here dropped by for a visit since she’s doing a lil business around L.A”

You smiled tensely during that small exchange. Wanting nothing more than to crawl back into the car and wait for everything to be over.

One of the reasons you left L.A was because nothing ever felt right. For years you tried to fit in into the scene, going to parties and hosting them with a bunch of people who didn’t even know your last name. You were never good at making new friends, that is to say once you’ve established a relationship with someone then friendship would just roll around the corner. But everyone here was moving so fast it was almost impossible to even wish for a deeper connection with someone.

When you first moved, you thought it would be like a great new beginning. Yet you’ve never felt more alone. The only people you knew were from your team and from Ashton’s band, but even then they turned into more acquaintances given just how little time they seemed to spend in the city.

And maybe Ashton knew that. Maybe he was trying to fix that and give you some opportunities to mix with his group of friends; something you’ve been wanting to do since you moved here all those years ago. Still, something fell… off about all of this.

After the guys talked a little bit more, finally Andrew invited you in. There, you found a group of people you’ve never met hanging around the living room. Plastic cups and ashtrays were scattered around the room as a tinted, light smoke served to decorate the place and give you just an idea of the state of most attendees.

As you walked by, people started to come up to Ash, greeting him and spending a few minutes catching up. Not one of them turned to look at you for more than a second or even gave you the courtesy to say hi. Ashton didn’t seem to notice it at first, but there would come the rare occasion that he would introduce you to some of the groups that started forming around him.

It was not a rare sight for you. Back in school he was the popular one, always friendly with countless people you didn’t even see around school that often.

“This is Y/N, she’s here promoting her new album!” He’d say.

“Wait, I know you!” One of the strangers said, their smile totally welcoming “Taylor Swift gave you a few shout-outs recently, didn’t she?”

You smiled “Yeah! I had a chat with her at a label party a few days back. She’s amazing. We talked about collabing soon, maybe a writing session next time she flies out to the U.K”

“Damn, that’s awesome! I’m Laura, by the way” They said, extending her hand toward you “Ash, why didn’t you bring her along on one of our trips?”

Ashton chuckled “C’mon L, well…”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s our style. No offense” A guy next to them said. You frowned

“What do you mean?” You smiled awkwardly “Have you heard my songs before or-?”

“Nah, it ain’t that. It’s just- We don’t go Taylor Swift’s style”

You could feel your heart beating loudly inside your chest as you looked between Ashton and the other guy, hoping that Ash would intervene “But I’m not Taylor”

Once again you looked toward Ash, but his eyes were cast down to the bottle of beer that he held in his hands. You couldn’t help the disappointment that came over you then.

“Hey man, not cool” Laura said, locking your arms together as they pulled you away “Don’t mind him, he’s high out his mind right now. C’mon, let’s get a bit drunk”

They took you to the main couches and sat next to you. Your cheeks were a bit red from the humiliation. How could you have expected Ashton to defend you? He said it before that your music didn’t go with his vibes and that it was not really his thing, so why would he help you now?

“Those guys can be assholes sometimes. I love them, but they’re so…” Laura trailed off, looking over at you “But hey, forget about them. Tell me a little bit about yourself, how do you know Ash?”

You ended up telling them your whole story. About how you met when you were kids and how he was your best friend. How lonely you felt when he moved away the first time. And how excited you were to see him again after your big break, but that life got in the way. You probably told them more than you should’ve, but the drinks were soft and the room was crowded. And for the first time in the evening someone was actually willing to listen, curious to know you rather than know about you.

“That seems like a whole adventure” They smiled, “And when was the last time you saw Ash before deciding to come and stay with him?”

It wasn’t that long ago, a year or so earlier, when you gave a secret concert in London when you released your last album. He was standing in the corner, smiling at you as you sang. It was the first time since you told him you were moving a couple of years prior. You both kept following each other on social media, but that was pretty much it when it came to your relationship. And you were good with it.

You knew they were in the U.K for their tour, Michael and Crystal had asked you for drinks during that same week and you had a great time catching up. So, against your mind’s warning, you started to hope you would run to him soon enough. And when he appeared at the concert, you couldn’t help but smile back.

Afterwards, when you were back in the green room, you asked if he was still out there and to invite him over to chat. But no one from your team saw him; apparently he was already gone by the time you went off the stage. You remember waiting until you went home to allow yourself to cry, even for just a few minutes. That small interaction that seemingly never happened opened the wound back again. And, if you were honest with yourself, that was one of the main reasons why you decided to take on his offer to stay with him. But you didn’t say that.

“I don’t know,” You told them instead, as your eyes landed on Ashton standing a few feet away from you, a lighted joint between his lips as he laughed with people that you haven’t seen before “Since I moved to Scotland, I think. A while before, probably”

If Laura saw the sadness in your eyes, they never mentioned it. They just said “Okay, I think you should be a little bit drunker, my friend”

Hours later you were alone and tipsy sitting at the front porch of Andrew’s home, nursing a cigarette between your fingers.

“I didn’t know you smoked” A voice came from behind you.

You sighed, putting the filter in between your lips and taking a long hit before you let the smoke get lost into the night.

“You’re mad.” Ashton said, sitting next to you

“And you’re high”

“So we’re both telling the truth tonight” He chuckled, you didn’t “When did you pick up this habit?”

“I don’t know,” You answer honestly. “It was better than drinking myself to death back in Australia. It helps with my anxiety”

“What do you-”

“Alcohol makes you fat.” You deadpanned as you took another hit “I didn’t want my mom to have yet another reason for her nagging”

“Y/N-”

“But she’s not here so,” You passed him your empty cup, still not looking at him “Bring me another one, please?”

Ashton sighed “I think you had enough,”

“You will just never stop making decisions for me, are you?” You stood up, killing the cigarette after one last blow “I know what I’m doing, Ash. I’m a fucking adult, if you haven’t realized. I don’t need you to tell me what to do”

His eyes widened. He parted his lips as if to say something, looking over his shoulder back at the party. You rolled your eyes.

“Don’t worry, your friends can��t listen to what I’m saying. Your reputation will still be intact and they will still love everything that comes out of your mouth”

“Hey,” Ashton said with a bit of a bark “Don’t talk about them like that”

You pressed your lips on a tight smile, looking at him as your eyes filled with tears. You couldn’t believe that he was defending them like that from just a simple comment, but left you completely alone when they were making worse comments at you.

“Fuck, Y/N” He said, frustrated “I’m trying here, you know? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore! You don’t want to talk to me, you moved across the world. You still talk to the guys-”

“They’re my friends,”

“I was your friend too!” He shouted, surprising you “And I want this to work. I want you here, with me. But if you don’t want to be here and go back to your fucking hotel- I want us to work!”

“Why am I here, Ash?”

“C’mon, don’t be like that! I just wanted you to meet a few people, celebrate your new album-”

“Yet none of them cared to get to know me, nor you to introduce me and actually wanting to celebrate with me” You took a deep breath and sighed “Give me the keys to the house, I want to leave”

Ashton shook his head.

“You’re angry. I get that”

“No, Ash. I’m tired and I want to go to bed” You said more firmly this time “Give me the keys and I’ll call an Uber”

“I’ll take you!”

“The fuck you aren’t” You laughed, not a hint of humor in your voice “You’re high with more than just weed apparently. I’m drunk. I would rather not fucking die tonight, thank you”

“I’m not going to-”

“I don’t want you to! Okay? Fuck, Ash! I don’t feel safe around you!”

You saw the ways his eyes changed, how hurt they looked so suddenly at your words. You knew you wounded him, but it was how you felt. You didn’t trust him, not tonight.

“Y/N…” He said, getting up and walking over to you but you took a step back. He sighed, roaming around his pockets before he found his keys and gave them to you “Text me when you get there, leave the keys by the potted tree”

You answered him with a nod and a small thank you. You didn’t watch him as he turned away and walked by to the house. You didn’t hear Laura, who was watching over from the window, tell him:

“I don’t know what you did, man. But I’ve never seen anyone with such sadness in her eyes”

Damn, who are we right now? Can we have a little conversation? Figure it out with no intoxication We carry on, what is our motivation?

You woke up when you heard footsteps outside of your door. You knew it was him waiting outside, probably debating on whether or not to knock on your door, wanting to talk. There were times in the past where he would just open the door to your room and sit down on the floor next to your bed, waiting for you to start talking or acknowledge him so that he could apologize or talk things through. Sometimes you didn’t need to say anything, you just understood each other. And as he walked away without a word, you wondered where did all those times go?

Where was the friend that would go out with you and wait on the street for a cab to take you home, no matter whom he was with or what you were doing. Where was the friend that when you snuck out to your first concert, he held you close by the waist and covered your body so that none of the beer that people were throwing around got into your clothes or hair. What happened to the friend that would stay awake chatting with you on the phone even though you had an exam early the next morning, all because the guy you liked broke your heart.

Tears rolled down your face as you tossed and turned on the bed. It wasn’t fair, your heart kept begging your brain to understand. It wasn’t fair that you had to lose it all without a warning.

Once upon a time, you thought you had it all as long as Ashton was there. Now, you begin to miss the times where he wasn’t. Times where you learned to be happy without him, where you didn’t need him or his approval. Times where you felt complete even though your best friend was not around anymore. You were better off without him, and learned to live without him. You knew that to be the truth. But one just can’t ignore the past and the mystery of how the person that makes you feel such horrible things about yourself once promised to give you the world and its stars and meant it.

You just couldn’t figure it out. So you just forced yourself to go back to sleep.

When you woke up again a few hours later and made your way to the kitchen, you found freshly made coffee and bagels waiting for you on the counter with a little note next to them:

“I’m sorry, can we talk about it later? XX Ash”

You sighed as you wiped out the tears that clung to your eyelashes. You took a sip of the coffee and found comfort in the heat of the mug.

On the other side of town, Ashton was doing the same thing. His eyes were covered behind dark sunglasses as he thought of what to say once he got home. In front of him, Calum can’t say that he’s impressed from what he’s heard.

“What’s your deal?” He asked his friend.

“I- I don’t know” Ashton answered, biting the inside of his cheek “I thought she would have a good time. She was always cool at coming to those types of parties with me back home, we used to have fun”

“You and I both know she hates parties, and back home she had you. The normal, probably tipsy you, to keep her company” Calum said, taking a bite out of his sandwich “Last week I found her sitting alone while the rest of the world was having a conversation around her. We talked and it was nice, she’s not normally that outgoing on the get-go. She never was”

“You saw her last week?”

“We were invited to Gabriel’s cocktail party. You didn’t want to go, as usual”

“You never told me that-”

“What? That we’re still in contact? Dude, we all talk to her from time to time. We mention her in our conversations every now and then. She’s still our friend”

Ashton sighed, “So she just hates me for no reason?”

“You truly think that Y/N L/N could hate you?” Calum chuckled, “That girl would’ve followed you straight to the end of the world back in Aus. As far as I know, there’s only one person she truly hated”

“Who?” Ashton scoffed “I’m pretty sure our politics teacher was not so bad”

“What? No, Ash-” Calum shook his head “Remember when-” His face went blank “Oh shit,”

“What?”

“You didn’t know?”

Tell me that it's all okay You ruined everything good I've been waitin' on this all damn day Always said you were misunderstood Call me in the morning', tell me how last night went I'm here, but don't count on me to Just fucking leave me alone

He found you sitting outside in one of his garden chairs. A cigarette was hanging from your fingertips as the ashes fell on the floor in a small pile. You didn’t look back at him, for your eyes were staring at the moon that decorated the sky with its beauty.

You felt him come outside and sit on the chair next to you. The sound of a lighter made you blink, and you sighed at his exhale. There was no way he was doing this sober, and you couldn’t blame him. Yet…

“I was hoping we could talk without any of that” You said. “You have your ways and I have mines”

Silence fell over the two of you once again. You could feel his eyes burning holes into your profile, but you didn’t have the courage to look at him just yet.

“When did I stop being your best friend?” He asked.

Tears quickly covered your eyes and you hated that. “Probably around the time when you stopped being mine”

“Y/N-”

“You held me, once. Not the usual hugs that we gave each other, no. This one was different. We were at school, an overnight vigil that the nuns made us do every year”

“Those were fun,” He commented “A huge sleepover at school”

“The theme was about lost ones, remember? I had just lost my grandma that past week”

“I wasn’t at the funeral, I was away on a trip to the city. She was the one that taught you how to bake”

“Yeah,” You chuckled. “Though, I was never good at it once she passed. Anyway, of course I started crying. I’ve already lost so many people back then, and I was barely hanging on. But then - then you held me, so tightly. And my tears left a damp stamp on your shirt. You cradled me and brushed my hair with your fingers and whispered “It’ll be okay, you can cry. It’s okay” and kissed my head as they started to sing. You sang as well and never said a thing about it afterwards. That was the moment I knew I couldn’t have loved you more”

The sound of a cricket broke your monologue, and you allowed yourselves to be fed into the sounds of nature for a while. You knew there were still things left unsaid, so you better get over with it now rather than later. You didn’t want to stay for the aftermath.

“Remember the first time you came back to Australia? I was still living there in the house we grew up in. I was having a shitty day at work, so I went to grab a coffee at our favorite coffee shop with other coworkers when a few of our old friends and classmates came through the door. We said our hellos and caught up, it was nice. Then they had to go. “Who’s coming with me to Ash’s house?” One of them said. I remember asking about it as they argued over who had to take the bus or a cab. They told me you were coming back that day and have invited people over to celebrate”

“Y/N,”

“You invited them. Even people I didn’t know that well and that I know for a fact didn’t know you as well. And don’t try to tell me it was a guys thing, cause you invited girl classmates as well”

Ashton opened his mouth to say something, yet nothing came out. “I was numb as I took a taxi home. I still remember that the radio played “Waiting for Superman” as I tried my hardest not to cry. But when I got into the kitchen, I just couldn’t stop. I cried myself to sleep that night knowing that you were just a door away but didn’t want me there”

“Y/N, I wanted you there” He said, putting his hand on your arm as he leaned closer “I - I know I can’t say anything to fix it now but- I missed you, too”

“It didn’t seem like it” You told him “Every time I learned something about you back then was through a story or a tweet. I learned through the paparazzi who you were with and in which city you were going to sleep next. I saw you living your best life with your friends away from home. And, I get it, we both resented that place and all that we suffered while we were there. I just - I just hoped that my memory was something worth saving, cause my memory of you always was and will always be the best thing that’s happened to me while we were there”

You turned to him and looked him in the eyes “It just hurt to know that while I put you on a pedestal, I was already out of your sight”

“Baby, you know that’s not true” You scoffed “I swear! In my memory, you were always there! Front of the line!”

“Then why-?”

“I was scared, okay?!” He shouted, lowering his eyes in shame “So fucking scared and it’s so stupid!”

“Scared of what?!” You shouted back, willing for him to look you in the eyes “Ashton, for god’s sake just tell me!”

“They told me that you liked me!”

For a moment time stood still. You backed away from him as his words started to make sense. You pulled away your arm, letting his hand grasp the space that you left between the two of you.

“What?”

“People started whispering,” He said, his voice broken as if he were crying “Telling me how good of a couple we could be. How happy you were with me and how in love you looked”

“When was it?”

“At the beginning of our senior year” Ashton admitted, ashamed “I- I already knew that I wanted to get out of Australia. I knew that with the guys we could take the band somewhere massive. So I put my whole soul into it, trying to escape the feelings that would pull me back”

“You thought I was pulling you back” You stated, betrayed.

“No! I was pulling myself back by thinking about it!” Ashton said, finally looking at you and hating the way you were looking at him “I couldn’t risk it”

“Couldn’t risk what?! That I could have feelings for you?!” You stood up “You’re unbelievable! You could’ve asked me! Come to me instead of running away and make me lose part of myself in the process. Parts that I can’t take back, that I can’t love back because of you”

“Y/N!” He tried reaching out to you, but you took a step back.

“No!”

“Y/N, please! Just-!”

He grabbed you by the elbow and pulled you to him. The movement made you lose your balance, tripping over your feet as Ashton maneuvered you to land on top of his lap, holding you by your waist.

The sudden proximity made you lose all the air inside your lungs as you looked at him and his hazel eyes surrounded by red. He looked desperate, pleading with his eyes for something you couldn’t understand. He was breathing hard, his chest colliding against yours where your heartbeats were going as fast as your thoughts. Almost impossible to catch up.

Then, almost without thinking, Ashton launched himself forward and pressed his lips on yours.

The softness of the kiss contrasted the chills that ran up and down your bodies. As you gasped for air, his hand came to tangle itself on your hair, pulling you closer to him as you allowed him to deepen the kiss. He sat back on the chair and pulled you with him, making your legs spread at either side of his hips; never once letting you go as he kissed you over and over again, like a man deprived of something more.

“Y/N,” He whimpered against your lips, making you sigh as his hands roamed your body until they landed on your hips, moving them against lower half “Y/N, please”

Your mind was clouded in smoke, feeling the heat of his kiss along the length of your neck. His words whispered your name, as his movements on your hips became erratic, letting you feel all of him under you.

“Please, please Y/N” He said, kissing and kissing and kissing every part he could find “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”

Suddenly, you opened your eyes as you jumped back to reality. Putting a hand on his chest and pulling away from him. Both of you were left panting, as your skin tingled from the contact.

Ashton’s eyes were desperate, looking at you in fear of what you might do. His lips - you imagined - were a mirror of yours, plumb and beat red as your name escaped him in the form of a question. You closed your eyes and let a tear fall across your cheek as you shook your head.

“You don’t get to do this to me” Your voice, a whisper.

“What?” He asked, almost out of breath. But you were already getting off him and turning your step back to the house.

“You don’t get to do this to me!” You yelled through the tears “You don’t get to confuse me all over again. You don’t get to have a half-ass apology followed by a kiss that would make it all better!” You turned to him, poking a finger on his chest “You don’t get to make me hate myself all over again for loving you when you didn’t think it was convenient for you!”

“Y/N!” Ashton pleaded, taking your hand in his before you yanked it away “I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking-!”

“Exactly! You weren’t thinking! You never, not once, thought of me during all of this. Fucking admit it! Trying to get me to come here to patch things up was just such bullshit! You just wanted to make sure that I was still available for you any time you wanted! And don’t say it isn’t fair cause you were not aware of how miserable you made me!”

“That’s not true-”

“Was this just a plot to get me to bed?! Is that what you think of me now?!”

“It’s not true!” Ashton yelled “I know I made a mistake and I’m so fucking sorry! I should’ve never-! Look, I want to patch things up. You were right, goddammit, Y/N, you were right! It took me a long time to realize and fuck! After you moved away I was fucking miserable as well! I- I failed you”

You stood there in front of him, crying silently as he paced desperately.

“Ashton,” You called to him “Ashton, why am I here?”

Suddenly, he stopped and looked at you “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“About what?”

“For fuck’s- About the fact that you were abused, Y/N!” He yelled, leaving you speechless “Right after I left! Why didn’t you say anything?!”

You swallowed hard “It was none of your business-”

“You told Calum” He accused “You told Calum and you never told me. Why? Maybe it was not just me who was a shitty friend to you, after all, if you were going to keep things like that from me”

“How fucking dare you, Ashton Irwin. How fucking dare you?” You pushed him away “I told Calum by mistake! I didn’t mean to do it and it was years after it happened. And because I didn’t think you would care!”

“What?” He broke down, putting his hands on his knees for balance as he looked at you in tears “How- Why would you think that?”

“Because it’s the truth,” You cried “Just like you said, you had big dreams and a massive opportunity and I was just going to pull you back. Ashton, you just justified everything I thought it was true with that sentence”

“Y/N-”

“Do you think I had a good time? Knowing that my best friend, the only person I cared about in the world didn’t give a fuck about me to even ask how I was doing? So if you really wanna know… I don’t relate to you anymore. I don’t. I don’t want to think about what we had anymore because it just makes me fucking sad. I thought the world of you. Ash, you were my everything. I loved you, as a friend. I loved you, as the sun loves the moon even when it’s gone. I loved you with every prayer, every pleading, every move I made was for that one day I could be with you again, anyway that you would have me. I would’ve died a thousand times next to you, just as long as you kept me company. I didn’t care about what could happen to me. And when something happened, I tried to spare you from it, even when you never once asked. Fuck! I moved to L.A and this is the first time I’ve been in your house!”

“That’s-”

“I wish I could explain it better, I wish it wasn’t true. I wish we could’ve resolved this somehow, but let’s be honest. There is no bridge to burn when we're already so far away. And those memories? From all those years back? Now it all feels like a lie and don’t you dare say otherwise. You’re not the person I once knew, Ash. The person I once knew would’ve never invited me here to leave me alone at a party with people I don’t know, saying a cute lie about how it was for me when in reality it was to make you look a certain way. The person I once knew would’ve never made me feel like nothing every time we were at an event together and you couldn’t even say hi. The person I once knew would’ve never let their “friends” disrespect me in any way. The Ashton I knew wouldn’t have tried to make me feel sad. He wouldn’t have made me so miserable to be in my own skin because they’re not brave enough to face the music he so highly speaks about. You never once showed support for what I do once I became my own person. You never once called to ask how I was. You never once believed in me as much as I believed in you. You made me hate this city. But even more, you made me hate everything I used to love about us. Now I meet someone new and wondered if it’ll be like what we had. You ruined me, Ash. And you never apologized for it”

Ashton was shaking his head, crying as he listened to what you had to say.

After you had your feelings heard, you didn’t walk away or ran through the door so that you could escape the aftermath like you did back in December all those years ago. You were not going to run away again. Not when your heart finally felt light from all the things you’ve been carrying.

You and Ashton cried in silence, each one at one side of the room.

The two of you couldn’t help but wonder what had happened and why did it end up like this? You could play the blaming game; pretend this never happened; you could walk out and never see each other again; or, you could just stand there, waiting, digesting the sour words that fell from both your lips and think, think of anything that could be saved.

“What are we going to do?” Ashton finally asked, voice hoarse from the crying.

“I don’t know,” You answered in all honesty “It’s like we only play to lose”

“Every time,” He said, looking at you and giving a small chuckle. “Every time I see you it just hurts. Not for anything you’ve done, but for everything that I could’ve done but didn’t”

“Maybe it was for the best to have it end this way”

“But… I don’t want it to.” Ashton admitted in a whisper “Now that you’re here… I kept on failing cause I wanted to prove to myself that I still knew you”

You laughed “Who are we, Ash?” you asked “A girl that chases over the past and a boy with the excuse?”

“How the hell we’re going to make it?”

“Maybe we don’t” You shrugged “Maybe we’re just meant to be passing figures on the street. People we once knew. We can’t go back from this, Ash, and you know it. We’re just going to keep hurting each other”

Ashton nodded, walking over to you as you let yourself be embraced by a hug.

“I love you, Y/N. I will always love you”

“Terribly” You murmured against his chest “I will love you all my life, Ash. And I’ll miss you forever”

“Tell me that it’ll be okay? Please?”

You smiled and placed a small kiss on his chest, and held him tighter. And he knew.

He knew.

tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @hoodharlow @littledrummeraussie @irwin-fletcher-ash @wiiildflowerrr @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @in-superbloom @sadcupofcoffee @personalmuyverypersonal @as-hs-blog @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @weasleytwinscumslut @fairytrice @colourfulcal @nibin0912 @youneedtocalumdown @heyitskelseaj @ashtonsunflower @calumspupils@secretsicanthideanymore @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @whywontyoulovemecami @theimpossiblehologramtree @perriexed @abiancajg @rewmuslupin @icelily13 @bookthingz @gracieboogirl @fastandtheformula1 @lendeluxe

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irwinsblender · 13 hours

Text

inner demons

a/n: i’ve written this over the span of a few weeks bc my mental health has been down the drain recently and i needed an outlet. i wasn’t sure about uploading this, but here it is anyway

also used these pictures of ashton bc that’s how i imagine he’d look when listening to you rant about how you’re feeling

pairing: ashton x reader

summary: your mental health has been getting worse again and ashton is there to try and help you through it

warnings: depression, self harm, reference to suicide - and please, if you find any of these triggering, don’t read this fic

word count: 3k

✩ ✩ ✩

winter was one of the worst times of year for you. specifically, for your mental health. the dreary, rainy and cloudy weather, days becoming dark hours earlier than in the summer was always hard on you.

your mental health was bad already. you’d been suffering with depression for quite a long time now. it first started at school when you couldn’t deal with exams along with certain horrible people in your classes, that seemed to linger for a few years after you graduated.

just when you thought things were getting better, the pandemic hit, causing you to relapse and become worse than before. you didn’t know how to deal with all of the terrible thoughts that were constantly going around your head, including thoughts telling you to hurt yourself.

and you did, you turned to that to help you cope with feeling so exhausted. in the end, it didn’t really help. but you had nothing else to help you.

until you met ashton irwin. your now boyfriend.

you’d never met anyone as caring as him. he always listened to anything you had to say, he was there for you when you needed to rant; most of all, he didn’t leave after you told him about your struggles.

in fact, he empathised with you. telling you about his struggles and ways he tried to get through them. he promised then and there that he would always be there to support you and would never judge you for any of your thoughts or emotions.

you always appreciated ashton, but you found it hard to tell him when you were beginning to struggle more again. you felt pathetic not being able to cope on your own, you felt like a burden in his life every time you had to involve him in your problems.

this was one of those times.

it had been a long day, or at least it felt like it had been. it was raining all day, something you hated. you hadn’t been able to get out of bed, you hadn’t eaten, only had a drink of water which ashton brought to you before he left the house earlier in the day.

you’d been sitting in the bathroom for the past hour with the door locked. you’d told ashton you were going to have a shower, but, you never got that far. ashton would’ve noticed that the noise of the shower never started, but he’s always been respectful to leave you to whatever you need to do.

it was different this time though. it was too quiet. he was sat in the living room, planning on cooking you both a nice dinner. however, you’d been acting different today. you’d been quiet, not as cheerful as usual when he arrived home from being elsewhere.

you were sat on the closed toilet, leaning against the counter as tears fell down your face. deciding if you were going to do what your mind had been telling you to do. you didn’t want to hurt yourself again, but what choice did you have? nothing else helped. it was practically staring you in the face from where you’d placed the sharp object on the counter.

you looked down at your arms, marks from a couple of weeks ago that were starting to heal properly. marks you hadn’t told ashton about. ashton knew you struggled more at this time of year; he’d been busy recently with work, he hadn’t had time to notice things going even more downhill.

while you were contemplating your choices, ashton had been making his way upstairs. he decided that maybe you needed some company with showering. you told him previously that you find it comforting showering together, so that’s what he’d do.

he entered the bedroom, still hearing no movement. he tried to go into the bathroom, met with the door not budging. just the handle twisting. he couldn’t open the door. you’d locked it.

“sweetheart?” he called out, sudden worry washing over him. “you okay in there?”

you’d jumped at the sound of him trying to open the door, you don’t usually lock it, but it was necessary this time. you didn’t answer him, trying to muffle your cries.

“baby? please answer me,” you could hear the frustration and fear in his tone. “i’m here for you, i’m not going anywhere.”

“i’m fine, ash,” you sniffled. “just leave me alone.”

it came out harsher than you meant it to. your emotions playing a part. you never ask him to leave you alone. that only happened when you were in this kind of situation.

“i’m not leaving,” ashton replied. “talk to me, please, i’m here, whatever you need.”

you let out an accidental loud cry, placing your head in your hands as you couldn’t hold back your cries any longer. you were in so much pain it was hard to handle.

ashton’s heart broke hearing the way you were crying. why hadn’t he noticed you weren’t as happy as normal, why hadn’t he noticed your depression taking a toll again. he should’ve noticed.

“can you open the door, baby?” he asked, trying his luck before he’d have to figure something else out.

“no,” you said with a gasp, your crying almost uncontrollable as you moved to pick the object up from the counter.

your shaky hands weren’t helping, causing you to drop it, making a clanging noise as it hit the floor. you knew ashton would’ve heard it, he would’ve put two and two together. you couldn’t pick it up, crying even harder.

ashton was going through his nightstand already, trying to find the outside key for the bathroom door. he was panicking by now, frantically trying to find it, worried when he didn’t come upon it instantly. until, a light caught his eye on the dresser.

the light reflecting on the key, he quickly picked it up, going back to the bathroom door. he slid the key into the lock, twisting it two times until he heard it click.

he pushed it open, causing you to quickly try and turn away, rushing to pull the sleeves of your hoodie down before he could see anything. you wiped your eyes on your sleeves instead, only glancing over to him for a second.

ashton looked to you first, he couldn’t miss the way you pulled at your sleeves, he looked to the ground, seeing the razor there, but it was clean which gave him slight relief.

he moved it out of the way, walking to you slowly, crouching down beside you. he placed one hand on your knee, caressing his thumb back and fourth, the other on your waist.

“i’m here, baby, i’m here now,” he tried to reassure. “what do you need?”

you shook your head, you couldn’t even look at him. you felt pathetic, like a disgrace. you couldn’t look your own boyfriend in the eye because you were embarrassed about how badly you were handling things.

ashton saw the expression on your face, it was too familiar. the same a couple of years ago, when you were struggling, when you had been harming yourself. he knew what was going on now.

“it’s okay if you’re not doing okay, love,” he said, cupping your cheek in one of his hands, wiping away your tears.

“i’m fine,” you bluntly responded. “i’m always fine, everything is always just fine.”

your hurt started turning into slight anger. angry with yourself, angry with the way you kept going around in circles with your mental health. you got a little better, and then things always became worse. it’s the same thing over and over and over.

“baby—“

“just leave me alone,” you folded your arms, pushing his hands away from you. not thinking straight with the other thoughts clouding your mind.

“i don’t want you to be alone,” ashton softly replied, trying to keep calm in this situation. “you don’t have to go through this alone.”

“i’m handling it,” you tried to get a subtle look behind ashton, trying to find where the razor was. if you could just get him to leave—

“angel,” he got your attention. knowing that nickname would stop you from whatever else you’re thinking about. “you know it’s okay if you aren’t doing good, this isn’t something that will instantly go away, there are ups and downs and that’s okay. wherever you’re at now, i’m here to help you through it.”

you cried harder at that. everything was hurting. you were exhausted with life. you didn’t want to keep living like this.

“i’m sorry,” you cried, holding your hands over your face. “i’m so sorry.”

“hey, hey, it’s okay, why are you sorry?” ashton asked, standing himself up as he took your hands in his.

“i— i did it again,” you blubbered. taking a breath to try and control your crying. ashton didn’t know what you were talking about. “i know i said i’d talk to you if i felt that bad again, but i just— i couldn’t bring myself to tell you.”

then it clicked. he knew what you meant. locking yourself in the bathroom, the razor you’d dropped on the floor. you’d been self harming again.

“you don’t have to apologise for that, baby,” he sighed. “it’s not something easy to talk about, please don’t feel like you need to say sorry to me.”

you were quiet after he said that. trying not to keep crying the way you were while also trying to figure out what to say next. his hands were still in yours, not planning on letting go any time soon.

“i thought things were getting better,” you complained honestly. “i was happy travelling with you the last two months, and as soon as we got home everything started crashing down on me.”

“being on tour was a big distraction for you, a new city every night, seeing places you’ve never been before, you didn’t have time to think about anything else,” ashton reminded. “now we’re home, there’s days where we have nothing going on, it gives your mind time to overthink and for those bad thoughts to come back.”

you didn’t say anything after that, ashton could tell it wasn’t helping with you sitting in the bathroom, the razor behind him on the floor. he pulled at your hands softly, urging you to stand with him. thankfully you did, walking with him as he lead you through to the bedroom. he took you over to the bed, only letting go of your hands so he could sit back against the headboard.

“come here, love,” he held one arm out, waiting for you to get comfortable.

you sat down, shuffling over to him. your head resting against his shoulder, his arm around you to keep you close. he pressed a delicate kiss to your cheek, causing you to look up at him.

“i don’t know what to do,” you suddenly spoke. ashton allowing you to get your thoughts out. “this feels never ending, it feels like there’s no way out apart from—“

“baby,” he cut you off before you could finish your sentence. he knew what you were going to say, but he didn’t want to hear it come out of your mouth. “i know it’s hard, and i hate that you’re feeling like this again. you deserve so much happiness and i wish there was more i could do to take your pain away.”

“it hurts, ash,” you started to cry again, tears dropping down your cheeks continuously. “everything hurts so bad.”

he pulled you tighter against his chest, one hand on the back of your head, slowly running through your hair. he pressed soft kisses to your forehead every few moments, trying to let you know how much he loved you and that he was right there with you through this.

as your crying started to calm down, ashton took one of your hands in his, stretching out your arm slightly. you looked up at him, wondering what he was doing.

“can i see?” he asked.

you weren’t sure at first, but eventually nodded your head. he gently pulled up your sleeve, each mark, scar and any new cuts revealing themselves to him. you sighed seeing the upset look on his face.

“they’re horrible,” you sniffled. tugging your arm away from him. “i’m sorry.”

“they aren’t horrible, baby,” ashton held your hand. he ran his thumb over a couple of old scars, then he lifted your arm up, pressing kisses along the length of it. “they show strength. it shows you’ve been strong enough to fight to stay in this world.”

you didn’t know how he could see it like that. in your own head, it showed how weak you were, how bad you were at coping with life.

“you’re the strongest person i know,” ashton continued, pulling your sleeve back down as he kept your hand in his. “it takes strength to admit you aren’t doing good, so i’m proud of you for telling me.”

“i don’t know what to do, ash,” you slouched further into his grip, cheek pressed against his chest. “nothing’s getting better, i don’t know what to do to get better. this cycle is becoming too much to deal with.”

ashton could’ve cried hearing you say that. knowing the person he loved is feeling so defeated broke his heart. he would do anything it takes to make you feel better, to try and help you.

“i’m here for you, baby,” he stroked his hand softly through your hair. “anything you need me to do, just say the word, i promise i will always be here for you.”

“i don’t know what else will help,” you sniffled. “therapy didn’t work, the meds made me feel worse, there’s nothing else. i have nothing else.”

“you have me,” ashton cupped your cheek in his hand, lifting your head to look at him. “if you want me to listen, if you need advice, if you want me to distract you, or if you just want me to hold you while you cry, i'll be here. no matter what.”

he leaned down, kissing your forehead before pecking your lips a few times in a row. finally getting a small smile out of you. if he could see your smile every day, his life would be complete. that’s all he wanted. for you to be happy.

“i’m sorry for being like this again,” you sighed. not holding eye contact. “i don’t know how you put up with me.”

“i’m not putting up with this,” ashton shook his head. “i care about you, more than anything, i’ll do whatever it takes to make this a little easier for you to get through, because you can get through it.”

you shuffle down, your head resting on his stomach as you close your eyes. tired out from the chaos of your own mind.

“we could take a few trips,” ashton suggested. “you love travelling. i know you still have that list of places you want to visit.”

“i do, but…” you paused, opening your eyes as you squeezed ashton’s hand in yours. “what happens when we come home? i’ll just be like this again.”

“we’ll try and find other things for you to enjoy,” ashton was determined to stay positive in this situation. “you love to draw, you love to create art, and i’ve seen the way you watch me play the drums and guitar. i could teach you, give you something else to put your mind to.”

you thought for a moment, wiping your sleeves over your eyes one last time. you couldn’t believe ashton still wanted to bother with trying after how difficult and negative you always were in this situation.

“okay,” you mumbled. ashton was surprised to hear that you’ll do this. “i don’t know if it’ll help, but i’ll try.”

“that’s a start,” ashton smiled. “the best thing you can do is try. even if it takes time.”

you nodded. finally looking up at him. you shuffled yourself upwards, capturing his lips in a unexpected but loving kiss. placing your hand on his cheek softly as you pull away.

“how would you feel about getting a guitar?” he asked, hands on your waist pulling you to straddle him. “i know how much you love painting, we could buy some paint for it so you can make it your own.”

“i could paint little flowers on it,” you excitedly suggested. “and maybe some butterflies too, that would look pretty.”

ashton nodded in agreement, just happy that you were willing to do this to see if it’ll help having your mind preoccupied with something like learning how to play an instrument. he hoped this would help, hating seeing you hurting like this.

“well, the band has no plans on making new music just yet,” ashton tucked your hair behind your ears. “we could take a trip soon… italy maybe?”

“really? you want go to italy before going back to australia?” you asked, one of your bucket list places, knowing how much he wanted to head back to australia after tour ended.

“australia can wait, i want to make sure you’re okay first.”

you let out a long breath, leaning towards him to wrap your arms around his neck, his arms around your back as he hugged you as close to him as he could get you. he kissed your cheek, making sure you knew he would always be there for moments like this.

“i love you,” he said quietly. “remember i’ll always be here, for anything you need. you don’t have to go through this alone.”

“i don’t know what i’d do without you,” you held him tighter. “i love you, ash.”

a few more tears threatened to leave your eyes as you hugged. you truly didn’t think you’d be here anymore if ashton hadn’t come into your life when he did. and now he can be your anchor that grounds you and gives you a reason to try and live this life, no matter how tough it might be.

✩ ✩ ✩

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