#as someone who used to identify as bisexual

[aaronymous999]

I think many queer people who are exclusionists have been shaped that way by queerphobia which is incredibly sad.

The flaws in homophobia/transphobia is honestly really aren’t their facts or statistics or the things they say- there’s no logic and even if their is the problem will and always will be their conclusions from the information. For example, the most common argument I’ve seen is “Having more gay representation will make the kids gay.” And the thing is this is an entirely neutral statement, the claim in itself doesn’t really mean anything to me, because it’s vague, there’s no context and there’s nothing inherently wrong with being gay.

Homophobia’s problem is coming to hateful conclusions from mostly neutral statements. Or hyperfocusing on the gay aspect to fuel their hatred.

A lot of exclusionists regret the idea of trans people without gender dysphoria because they feel that there has to be some sort of life threatening reason for someone to be transgender, because internally transitioning for “no reason” is an inherent evil. But that’s what the transphobes WANT you to think. There is no inherent evil to transition into a boy just because you like how boys look or you think boys are hot and want to be one, or any other reason. Of course medical transition needs long consideration but there’s nothing wrong with someone without gender dysphoria just deciding to change their pronouns to she/her and start using a girl name even if they had no problems as a man. The only people who think there’s something wrong with transness in any form are transphobes.

To get a little personal, I do have gender dysphoria and all the typical good gold star exclusionist binary trans person points. However, I don’t think it’s a bad thing that one of the reasons I’m transgender is because I grew up in a majority male household. I think due to my gender dysphoria I would have always been this way but my brothers and father definitely contributed. And for some out there, if they were born in a more gender equal society, they wouldn’t be transgender. And that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with saying that. It doesn’t make you any less transgender.

As for accusations that are inherently negative, the problem is the conclusion and the “evil” drawn from it. Hearing about a story where a trans woman assaults someone, they draw the trans woman from the story and use it as ammunition against trans people as a whole. However the correct conclusion is that we are given little information her and all we know is that someone who happens to be a trans woman assaulted someone. One assumption is taken from hate and malice, and the other is neutral.

Not proofread just some thoughts and your friendly reminder that being queer has no rules and not to let internalized homophobia render you hateful for the members of our community who don’t follow as many “rules”

( I hate that I have to clarify this because I am worried it will be used as a strawman against me or will be co-opted by bad actors but I do not condone pedophilia, racism or anything like that. There is a difference between neo/xenogenders and “genders” that are just racism and pedophilia apology. Queerness shouldn’t involve any of that. )

#aaronymous ramblings #queer #queer community #queerphobia tw #queer discourse #also we need to leave assumptions that others identities mean anything about our own #trans guys identifying as lesbians does not challenge my masculinity in any way #and if it challenges yours? i hate to break it to you bud but you have fragile masculinity problems #someone identifying as a bisexual gay does not make you as a gay person any less valid #the problem isn’t the other person for identifying it that way #the problem is the homophobes who use their lack of following ‘rules’ as a weapon #inherently both these identities are neutral as all queer identities are #exclusionists just make me sad because their internalized transphobia and homophobia is the only reason they think like that #our true enemy is bigotry #never ourselves

[genderqueer-rat]

oh, btw I don't care if you're trans - if you are a transmed you're holding hands with terfs and other transphobes and you don't get cookie points for being a good little queer and not icky like the rest of us.

#gender is a game and I'm winning because i love how i look #i love being the big bad testosterone butch dyke #i love being queer #i love being genderqueer #and finding comfort in my own body #i don't care what anyone's reasons are #i trust people when they tell me they are something #I've had too many people tell me that I'm not valid to try to do that to others #it doesn't serve any of us to be playing identity politics for keeps #like we're losing rights because other queers aren't palatable #or don't fit in boxes well enough #i get it #i struggled with people using the term bisexual lesbian #i felt like something important was being taken from me by someone who didn't 'fit' #but honestly who fucking cares #people can and should identify exactly the way they want to #I'm sure some people blocked me over that #and they were right to #just let people vibe #don't expect them to air out all their shit because you don't understand why they don't have the same experience you do #it only serves as fuel for those who would rally against us #queer discourse

[hecksupremechips]

Sometimes it’s comphet but also like sometimes it isn’t it’s okay to be bi

#the klock keeps ticking #sticky territory here ill choose my words carefully #but if youre really trying hard to fit into the gay label and you write every single feeling towards the opposite gender as comphet #cuz youre too afraid to not fit into the gay label like. its fine if you arent fully gay dude its fine #you dont even have to say youre bi per se you can be queer or still use gay to describe yourself #like no one can be absolutely 100000% attracted to one gender theres always the chance of someone breaking that rule for you #idk like. dont be afraid of stepping out of a perfect label cuz its very healthy to like. explore yourself #just like. i think its good to establish things about yourself even if they dont fit the category cuz its better than desperately clinging #to one idea of gayness or bisexuality #and guys like. its really okay to go from identifying as gay/lesbian to bisexual like i promise its fine #its also fine if you identify as gay but have like 1% attraction to the opposite gender #whos gonna fucking stop you? the gay police????

[decolonize-the-left]

Ive seen an influx in posts asking the LGBT community to hold itself accountable for ace/aro bigotry and they're fucking right.

How are we supposed to hold homophobes and transphobes accountable and demand they do better when we won't even do that for each other?

We're a community right? A family who's supposed to look out for each other? What happened to everyone being valid? Is a sibling saying "you hurt me, please correct it somehow" not valid?

For my part I'll admit I was part of this.

I was on the side of the asexual exclus back in the late 00's/early 10's. I was deep in the belief that oppression had to be systematic in order to count and at the time I didn't see any systematic oppression faced by aces. I even identified as ace and I didn't consider myself oppressed for being asexual. I saw the hostility and vitriol directed at aces everyday...but I didn't see it as wrong. I didn't see it as bigotry. I saw it as righteous anger.

I know how awful things were because I was one of the people making them that way. There is Real trauma that was experienced. There's no fucking way that a normal person could be invalidated that much and take the vitriolic bigotry aces/aros did everyday and have it not leave a lasting impact.

I fucked up. That was wrong and awful of me and I'm genuinely so fucking sorry.

I see the broken trust and promises between us now in 2023 and I see how shattered the community is and it's partly my fault. That gap is there because of me and people like me.

We should have loved and supported and welcomed you. We should have saw the way you were being treated and said something. You deserved to be protected and loved and supported from people who treated you that way.

And you weren't. We didn't. And it was normalized.

We absolutely fucking failed you as a community and as human beings. I need to own that. And I need to be one of the first people to trying to repair that.

And I know an apology is barely even a first step and I know it's just a drop in a giant bucket but I am sorry. For everything it's worth to you, I'm sorry.

Because of me and people like me you experienced the kind of identity trauma that typically only homophobes are capable of. And you experienced it at the hands of the community that's supposed to be fighting specifically that sort of ignorance against a-typical sexualities.

We fucked up

And it'd just be hypocritical salt in the wound if 10+ years later we ignored your asks for accountability and didn't do anything about it when it's resurfacing.

So yeah.

I was a bigot. I hurt people. I hurt my own community. I thought I was right and I wasn't. I was wrong. And so is everyone who insists on continuing that today.

There is no excuse or justification for it. I thought there was too but I was wrong and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life making up for it.

Whatever justification you find for treating people with a-typical sexualities and genders is shit. It has no leg to stand on and it sure as hell isn't being done for the sake of the community.

The LGBT community was founded not by people with checklists on how to be a Good Gay or Acceptable trans woman but by people being treated like shit for who they were choosing to love or not love. It was founded by people who's gender didn't fit in cishet boxes. It was founded by people who just wanted to be free to exist as themselves.

You can't treat asexuals or aros or bisexuals or pansexuals like shit and say that it's in the name of the LGBT community.

It's not.

It spits in the face of everything our community is supposed to be and it's time someone besides aces and aros said it.

None of us should be okay with how they're treated and all of us should be part of stopping it

#aces #aros #asexuality #queer history #asexual history #i threw in the others because the bigotry for them back then overlapped a LOT #i didnt personally have a hand in anything against the other identities mentioned but itd be wrong not to include them i think #lgbt #queer #ace discourse #lesbian #gay #bisexual #transgender #asexual #aromantic #lgbt history #aphobe #aphobia #aphobic

[gideongravesbf]

lucas lee ★ todd ingram

polyamory my beloved 😼

★★★★

todd is still navigating his sexuality after the whole wallace incident so he needs some time to adjust to not only dating a guy (or two guys, if you identify as a guy as well ^_^) but also being in a polyamorous relationship.

that being said, todd is still so madly in love with you and lucas. he likes to be in the direct middle of the cuddle pile. lucas doesn't mind, but if you do, then todd with begrudgingly agree to rotate with you every night.

lucas probably came to terms with his sexuality a while ago. he already knew he was bisexual, so this wasn't a problem for him. he was a little skeptical of the idea of polyamorous relationships but he decided to give it a shot since he really liked you and todd.

lucas lets you and todd use his chest as a pillow. one boob per person. he tries to be as comfortable to lay on as humanly possible. as soon as someone's head hits his boob, he will not move an inch no matter how uncomfortable his position is.

todd is a bit obsessive over the two of you, kind of like how he was with wallace. he keeps a picture of the three of you in his wallet and shows all of his friends a million times. he loves talking about the two of you to anyone who will listen.

todd would definitely buy you and lucas flowers and write a shitty love song. there's a reason he does bass instead of vocals, bless his heart. but you and lucas appreciate it nonetheless.

both of them seek validation from you. lucas wants to show you his movies or a skateboard trick and he wants you to tell him how he did a good job and that you're proud of him. he sometimes feels bad about his label as a sellout and needs to be told that he's actually good at something every once and a while. todd wants to be told that he's enough and that you love him and he deserves to be loved by you. todd struggles with the idea of being enough due to his father not believing in him so he appreciates being reminded that he is enough.

both of them are kind of dumbasses but they try their best to be there for you emotionally. they mostly just threaten to beat up whatever is causing you to be upset. but if they can't solve it through beating something up then they'll just sandwich you between their boobs. boob therapy. but in all seriousness, they would absolutely dote on you if you needed it. like have fun getting out of their grasp because they will be clinging onto you.

#lucas lee x reader #todd ingram x reader #lucas lee #todd ingram #scott pilgrim #scott pilgrim takes off #scott pilgrim vs the world #scott pilgrim x reader

[genderqueerdykes]

in honor of aromantic spectrum awareness week, i thought i'd take the time to talk about how much my personal life and feelings improved after coming to terms with the fact that i'm aromantic. before i accepted this, i found myself in several romantic relationships where i was deeply unhappy, uncomfortable, and made to feel like i wasn't a good enough partner because i just couldn't do or feel certain things.

i've never enjoyed kissing, and cuddling gets uncomfortable for me within the first few minutes of doing so. even hugs are deeply uncomfortable to me unless i really know and care about someone, and even then, hugs only come when that person asks for them. it never occurs to me to touch people this way, the most you'll get out of me is a pat on the shoulder, back or knee.

i ended up dating several people who were very much romantics, and heavily focused on that aspect of our relationship. it kind of felt like torture to me, i felt like i was being forced to live every day like it was Valentine's Day- every day had to be filled with hours of cuddling, kissing, and telling the other person how much i loved them. while not all romantic partners are like this, it wore on my psyche quickly to be paired with folks like this, because i understood how important it was to them, but i just couldn't keep up the performance.

i thought something was "wrong" with me for years and that i just wasn't in touch with my emotions, or that i was somehow embracing some toxic aspects of my masculinity without realizing. it took me ages to remember that i came out as aromantic when i was much younger, but after criticism from my friends, including a friend who was asexual, i stopped identifying with the label, because i was told that aromanticism wasn't real, and that that just made me an asshole.

nearly a decade and several uncomfortable romantic relationships later, it finally clicked that there wasn't something wrong with me, but there was something wrong with the situations i was getting myself into. sure, i love being partnered- i have a queerplatonic partner that i've known for a decade and have only gotten closer to over time. but we've never been romantic. we don't exchange romantic platitudes, and i realized; i've never been happier with someone else than i am with this person.

why is that?

oh. because they don't expect romance from me. they are also on the aspectrum and don't have a romantic partner, either.

this relationship has brought me more joy than any romantic partnership i've ever attempted to pursue. that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me- i was just looking for happiness in the wrong places. i was miserable not because i'm aromantic, but because i was getting into romantic relationships.

romance can be a source of misery. romance does not inherently make everyone happy. we are not all looking for romance as a species. in fact, chasing it makes many people miserable. too many people spend their lives looking for "the one" that they can kiss, cuddle, hold and say all of those mushy things to when they may not even want that to begin with.

i've never been more at peace with myself since finally, fully accepting that i'm aromantic. i love who i am, and i love how i love. i am not loveless, i experience platonic, queerplatonic and other forms of love. but loveless aromantics aren't miserable, either. we are all embracing ourselves in a way that's true to us. we are refusing to warp ourselves to a society that tells us that we all must have homogeneous feelings.

i am aromantic. i am here. my aromanticism is queer in a society that expects and demands romance of me, and this is true of all aromantics, cis, trans, gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, and otherwise. we are here, we are not going away any time soon, and we will not be silent because our identities make some people uncomfortable. we are happiest being who we are.

happy aro week, this goes out to every last arospectrum person out there, appreciate yourselves this week. you deserve it.

#aromantic #aro #lgbtqia #lgbt #queer #lgbta #aromantic spectrum #arospec #arospectrum #aroace #aromantic asexual #aro awareness week #aspectrum #aspec #our writing #about us

[thenightling]

Dear newbie queer kids, We appreciate the sentiment but stop "correcting" the older LGBTQ+ community. And by "correcting" I mean trying to force them to adopt your language. "Actually, it's pansexual if you're attracted to any gender. Bisexual means only men and women." (I really was told that one today.) "Actually if they're attracted to anyone despite gender and even to non-human entities in works of fiction that's omnisexual." Guys, you may not know it but what you are doing is what we'd once call bi-erasure. A little LGBTQ+ history: The word bisexual is still relatively new for a lot of people. In 1973 when David Bowie came out as bisexual, a reporter misunderstood that to mean he had both male and female reproductive organs. Even today I've stumbled upon people who think bisexual means "nonbinary." meaning "I don't identify as a man or a woman." The only connection the words have is the "bi" part so this one is painfully stupid. In the 1990s there were older queer folk who didn't even know bisexual is what they were. When Roddy McDowall was confronted by Vincent Price's daughter and asked "Why didn't you tell me my father was bisexual?" He said "We didn't know the word." In the 90s most bisexual people used the term to mean attraction despite gender. I'm fine with the use of the word "Pansexual" but it IS actually gatekeeping to tell older bisexuals that the word bisexual means "disincluding trans and nonbinary" and "attraction to the gender instead of despite the gender." I can't think of very many people who identify as bisexual who are okay with those added restrictions that they didn't agree to. For most of the older queer community bisexual means their own gender and everything else. That's the two for bi. I am certain there are some people today who don't mind the new restrictions added to the word bisexual and use it to self-identify but those that were identifying a bisexual in the 90s and early 2000s didn't have such restrictions because the options of pansexual and omnisexual were not in use yet. Pansexual was a term invented by Freud to mean "attraction to anything" (this included furniture). It's modern meaning of "consenting adults without consideration of gender" is relatively new and frustratingly this was originally how most of us were using the word bisexual. When you "Correct" someone who self-identifies as bisexual that they are actually pansexual because you want them to use the more modern language, THAT is gatekeeping. Ironically this just happened to me and when I corrected the person that was "correcting me" by explaining that older people who identify as bisexual tend to use it with the same meaning as the modern pansexual, I was suddenly accused of "Gatekeeping." So now, ironically, they're misusing the term gatekeeping while gatekeeping. Please stop doing this. The new terms are okay but don't tell us how we can use the older terms, especially when bisexual isn't that old of a term in the grand scheme of things. I sometimes use the term pansexual just to make things easier for the younger folk since they adapted to the restrictive version of the term bisexual we never asked for. Also I like its connection to mythology. But please don't "Correct" people for using the term they had for themselves since the 90s because they never added those new restrictions to it. This is rude. And that is the gatekeeping. Them telling you what the word meant decades ago is not "gatekeeping." You telling them how they have to us it now- that is gatekeeping. Sincerely, Most queer folk over the age of thirty.

#LGBTQ+ #LGBTQ #LGBTQIA #LGBTQAI #Bisexual #Pansexual #Omnisexual

[rouge-the-bat]

people tend to be like "lol this guy is sooo in denial" if a straight person has sex with someone of the same gender, but actually. they really might not be.

people can have sex with others without being attracted to them, and they just want to have fun having sex.

or hell, they could just have the occasional exception of gay attraction, but its rare enough that theyd find it inaccurate/misleading to tell others theyre bi (and dont have interests in microlabels). them going on a dating site and saying theyre bi would expand the dating pool to a lot more people they would just have no interest in.

or, they may be bisexual but heteromantic, and when looking for relationships, they want to persue both romance and sex, so theyll just use straight to make it easier.

sexuality labels are used different from person to person, some use it to describe action, others use it to describe attraction, or a mix, or otherwise, or even use it just as a "close enough" to get whatever they want about themselves across to others simply.

i know "straight man who has sex with a man" and "straight woman who has sex with a woman" may initially come across as contradictory, or that theyre bi or gay in denial, but identities and their applications/uses are more complex than just a few set labels.

and i think we should trust what a stranger decides to identify themselves as, they know themselves better than others would. you can talk it over with them if you suspect they truly ARE in denial, but if they dont want to or still end up saying theyre straight, just accept it and move on.

and of course, this also applies to gay men who have sex with a woman or lesbians who have sex with a man. its not just "internalized biphobia" as the answer every time, and saying that its always that is very assumptive of people you dont even know.

other peoples lives and experiences can always be different than youd expect, and may even not make sense to you, but its THEIR life and identity to define. you can give them advice, but you cant force it on them, and certainly cant say what their identity TRULY is. only the person themselves can have a say in that.

#sexuality exceptions #straight #gay #lesbian #yes im saying if a man fucks other men and still says hes straight then hes straight. its not my business

[poohsources]

🐝  *  ―  𝑷𝑹𝑰𝑫𝑬 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺.  (  in honor of pride month, here are some sentences for lgbtq+ muses, coming outs, and pride in general. i'm mostly keeping these positive because this is our month and we deserve positivity and understanding.  )

❛  always be proud of who you are.  ❜ ❛  i'm not going to change who i am just because some people don't like my sexuality.  ❜ ❛  are you planning how to come out to your family?  ❜ ❛  i don't want to hide who i am anymore.  ❜ ❛  if that's how you truly feel then i'm okay with it. as long as you're happy, i'm happy.  ❜ ❛  can you tell me more about being [ gay / bisexual / trans / etc. ]?  ❜ ❛  we shouldn't be shamed for who we are.  ❜ ❛  there's nothing wrong with you. it's society as a whole that's wrong.  ❜ ❛  my coming out didn't go as planned ...  ❜ ❛  i've always felt like i didn't fit in but now i know it's only because i repressed who i really am.  ❜ ❛  just be yourself, and don't give a damn what anyone else may think.  ❜ ❛  i can finally be myself!  ❜ ❛  you don't have to hide who you are with me. i love you no matter what.  ❜ ❛  you don't have to label yourself if you don't want to or don't feel like you haven't found the right one yet.  ❜ ❛  want to come to the pride parade with me?  ❜ ❛  when did you figure out you're [ lesbian / ace / nonbinary / etc. ]?  ❜ ❛  it's terrible having to choose between being yourself and being safe.  ❜ ❛  people should remember that it doesn't matter what we identify as because we're all human deep down.  ❜ ❛  remember how everyone had their weird phases as a teenager? being straight was mine.  ❜ ❛  well, apparently i didn't have to come out since everyone apart from me always knew i'm not straight.  ❜ ❛  this is the first pride month i can finally be myself.  ❜ ❛  have you ever been at pride?  ❜ ❛  i wish my family would be as understanding as you are.  ❜ ❛  it's time to stop pretending you're something you're not.  ❜ ❛  as long as you're happy does it really matter who you fall in love with?  ❜ ❛  why do strangers care so much about my personal life and think they can judge me for something i literally cannot control?  ❜ ❛  you don't have to have figured it all out yet. you've still got your whole life ahead of you to do that.  ❜ ❛  well ... being straight is boring anyway, isn't it?  ❜ ❛  do you have any tips about coming out to people?  ❜ ❛  it feels good to talk to someone who understands me.  ❜ ❛  i accept you the way you are, you don't have to pretend with me.  ❜ ❛  it feels so good to stop pretending.  ❜ ❛  look, i bought a pride flag!  ❜ ❛  how did your coming out go?  ❜ ❛  what are your pronouns?  ❜ ❛  they're assholes if they don't accept you for who you are. you're awesome!  ❜ ❛  hey, do you mind using [ pronoun / pronoun ] for me now? i'm trying to figure something out.  ❜ ❛  today, i'm finally going to legally change my documents.  ❜ ❛  i don't understand much about lgbtq but i'm willing to learn.  ❜ ❛  you deserve to be loved just the way you are.  ❜

#rp meme #rp memes #rp prompts #roleplay meme #sentence starters #rph #type: meme

[cock-holliday]

Yknow I used to believe that bi people just couldn’t make up their minds and commit to being gay. Then had to struggle to accept my own bisexuality. I used to believe transmedicalism and think if you didn’t go on HRT then what was the point? Then had to struggle through all the barriers that kept me from HRT. I used to believe in ‘transtrenders’ who were pretending to be trans for fun because my early transition was miserable and I wanted nothing more than to exist under the radar. Then I became outspoken about my gender, and even learned my gender was not as “simple” as being a binary trans person. Several identities and labels and experiences I was closed off to became “real” when I realized they were me.

Friends and neighbors and community members cannot afford to wait for me (and you) to be them to learn they are real. It isn’t fair to only realize the validity of these identities when it is relevant to me. So it stands to reason that if someone is using labels in a way that doesn’t make sense, if someone identifies in a way that seems silly or flippant—all of those kneejerks were things I held for what I am.

It’s safe to assume those people are just as “real” as I am, and would do well with me not assuming ill-intention when they speak about their experiences. I had so much isolation and assumptions of “invasion”—these others don’t deserve that either. Not because I might ID that way one day too, but because they don’t deserve to struggle like I have struggled.

#LJsm

[genderkoolaid]

Hello! Non binary here. I'm trying to genuinely understand how saying bi lesbians are a thing are not harmful to the trans, lesbian and bi community. I saw some of the bi lesbians history and this label seems to be something they used to say to identify that they felt mostly attraction to women but could eventually like a man / people that liked men in the past but now go as lesbians. On the first example, Isn't it just bisexuality with a preference to women? and in the second, lesbians with comphet. I understand the need to use those labels in the past, but now it seems harmful to use bi lesbian because lesbians are not attracted men and bisexuals are not lesbians. I have also seen that the use of bi lesbian was a reactionary push to the TERF movement of excluding men from queer spaces as in a way to "purify" women

While someone in either of the groups you described might identify as a bi lesbian, that is certainly not the extent of bi lesbianism.

I think the problem emerges for many people because they are viewing the definitions of queer terms as objective descriptions we discovered. From this perspective, people used to use lesbian in a more expansive sense essentially because they didn't know any better. But I dislike that; our foreparents were not identifying how they did because they didn't know better, their constructions of gender and sexuality are just as valid. And it's important to understand why those definitions formed instead of going “well it's different now so stop it.”

I'm not sure if you are saying you've heard TERFs came up with the term bi lesbian. I wouldn't be surprised, since it's a fairly common rumor. But it's very wrong. To give a very general history, “bi lesbian” came about to describe people who identified with lesbianism– in the sense that they identified with being queer, having some personal relationship with womanhood and loved or desired women– who also were multisexual in some way. “Lesbian” emphasized your love/desire for women as an important part of your identity, and “bisexual” gave nuance to that, creating visibility for bi people within the community. The outrage against bi lesbians came from the same source as the hatred for trans lesbians (of all kinds): radical feminist beliefs in political lesbianism, the insistence that being a lesbian is a political choice to end all personal relationships with men & manhood.

The idea that “lesbians, universally, aren't attracted to men” largely comes out of this shift. You cannot separate the idea that “bi lesbians” don't/shouldn't exist and the legacy of transphobic radical feminism which encourage black-and-white thinking and hostility towards Bad Queers who dared to love or desire men, be men, dress like men, or fuck like men (anything from BDSM to using a strap-on). This divide is artificial and we do not need to just accept it. Bi lesbians are not the source of harm, the ideology that insists on their exclusion is. On top of this, in many physical queer communities bi lesbians & other people with complicated identities are very easily accepted; the idea that it's somehow impossible for these identities to be safely normalized is just queer conservatism.

There are many reasons someone might enjoy the bi lesbian label: personally, I'm multigender and using a single sexuality label doesn't accurately express my sexuality. A lot of times I see people who counter reasons for bi lesbian identity by saying “but that's just being a lesbian/bisexual!” which is another product of this black-and-white thinking. The idea that someone else with a similar experience using a different label than you– or someone with a different experience using the same label– is somehow a threat to your identity is very reminiscent of the way radical feminism relies on patriarchal ideas that everyone in a gender group must self-police that group to ensure homogeneity. Someone with a totally “normal” bisexual experience may still identify as a bi lesbian, or use both bisexual and lesbian in varying contexts, because they feel it accurately expresses their personal sexuality & relationship to queer communities.

There's famously an Alison Bechdel strip about a character being a bi lesbian, but I think my favorite piece of bi lesbian art is this poem by Dajenya. It's a very defiant and wholehearted response to anti-bi-lesbian sentiment and how it harms people within the community far more than bi lesbian identity does. this site is a collection of primary resources on bi lesbianism, including a few interviews from bi lesbians which might be helpful for you.

#m. #ask box

[rthko]

i'm not a gaylor, couldn't care less about that woman, but ngl that thread got me thinking. do you think it would be fair to posit that classic pop fandom presumes heterosexuality from the female stars it consumes? the figure of the diva specifically feels very straight woman centered, the only exception i can think of being maybe lady gaga. well i guess everything presumes heterosexuality from everyone, but it does feel slightly different in this case imo

I think it's a fair observation. A lot of gay men, starting in childhood, strongly identify with women in media. As kids without known queer friends or role models, who knew we didn't relate to most other boys, we often thought of ourselves as more similar to girls. I obviously can't say this is universal among gay men but it's common enough that, for example, I can talk about how badly I wanted to be Anne Hathaway with a group of like minded gays and no one will find it unusual. Others will even chime in with the women they wanted to be! And I think this sort of identification often comes down to identification with women as desiring agents (making it easier to express attraction to men) and as siblings in abjection. Like, the boys are mean to you? Us too. Let's play house at recess about it.

I make it sound very adolescent, and that's where it seems to start, but it's also because there's no guarantee it will turn into any sophisticated friendship or political affiliation with women. I think diva worship, fag/hag relations, and anything similar are morally neutral. It can speak to genuine interest and support, or it can be a patronizing charade that refuses to relate to women beyond an expected shared attraction to men. I can't say that diva worship is any one thing because it can come from a place of genuine respect for a woman's artistry and be a symbolic outlet of gender expression or a parasocial mess.

Lady Gaga is herself an interesting example because yes, she is bisexual, but that doesn't really come up in her diva treatment. But the example of Taylor Swift, as discussed in the thread you're mentioning, is also unusual. The accusation, for the unacquainted, is that gay men aren't sympathetic to "Gaylor" because they want her to be straight so they can give her the diva treatment. But, and I mean no offense by this, that's not really the reason most people like her. Everything about her public image is too personal and "relatable" for her to fit that larger-than-life mold. Clearly that works for her, clearly that has yielded results, but personally I find her most interesting when she knows she's delivering a fantasy. If this seems like a superficial way of viewing art, I would counter that treating an artist as a detached patron saint of glamour and obsessing over every detail of their personal life are two sides of the same parasocial coin.

I think the ideas that are really in conflict in the "Gaylor" vs "Hetlor" debate (and for the love of God come up with a more tasteful name for the latter) is not really whether Taylor Swift is queer or straight. I'm sure you'll agree that not being onboard with Gaylor does not mean someone has a specific investment in her heterosexuality, because most of us don't really care. The conflict is between two different ways of relating to art. Rather, it's about relating versus resonating. Even if Taylor Swift is gay, hardly anything about her life, as might be explained by her wikipedia page, is relatable. But maybe one resonates with the pressures of having to please everyone, to the dehumanization of men's "Madonna-whore" complex towards women, to heartbreak, to dancing it all away. And maybe one specifically relates from a queer perspective. Go for it! It's unfortunate that Creep by Radiohead has a bad reputation, because I and a lot of other queer people find it really resonant. I don't get crushes on straight guys like I used to, but when I did it was humiliating! It wasn't the prospect of their rejection that hurt, but the idea of being repulsive and looking in from the outside at a world you will never belong to. It speaks to a queer perspective, but I don't have to wonder if this was intentional or if Thom Yorke himself is gay to see it.

I think, memes aside, the Internet is excessively cruel to Swifties. Even with Gaylors, I feel for their need to identify with an artist they feel feel expresses an underrepresented point of view. No, James Somerton, a handful of children's cartoons does not prove that lesbians are winning the representation war. But I also want to say to them that, a perceived lack of representation aside, no one is forcing you to speculate about this woman's sexuality. If she is just as straight as she claims to be, that doesn't have to ruin your queer readings of her work. If a straight woman sang the words "you can want who you want; boys and boys and girls and girls," and it came from the heart, good for her.

This was all very characteristically meandering of me and only kind of answered your question. I agree that a lot of gay men's interest in women is stunted by the expectation that they could only bond over shared attraction to men. I think gay men owe queer women the world. I also just don't really think this applies to the Gaylor thing. She is, as far as anyone knows and as far as she herself has stated, a heterosexual woman. That said, I do agree that the lesbian diva is an under-explored archetype that I'd love to learn more about.

[fixing-bad-posts]

Heya, I really really hope this doesn't come off as particularly rude, but I was wondering, why would bisexual women be considered lesbians sometimes and I think you also brought up transgender men and genderqueer ppl? For bisexual women, I just am kinda confused, they can be in lesbian relationships and lesbian spaces, but just describing them as lesbians seems kinda confusing because lesbian denotes specifically sapphic attraction at least from where I've always heard it, so wouldn't it be kinda confusing. And for the genderqueer folks or trans folks, wouldn't that just bring their genders closer to feminine and at least from what I've heard from some pple I know, they don't like non binary being seen as more womanly (I've heard it being described as woman-lite before annoying) and instead seen as a more inbetween which it sometimes isn't, because of bigotry and other things since nbs can be both fem or masc or androgynous, but wouldn't non woman lesbians kinda push it to be seen as kinda more fem or that person as more fem? I don't know and frankly I'm just kinda confused. I'm really really sorry that this probably comes off as super rude and I hope you forgive me. I frankly just want to learn a little more and have been reading up but wanted to know what you thought. And I just realized how long this was, so so sorry

hello anon! these days, i usually don’t answer asks like these because i’ve already done so several times, but you seem very well-meaning and confused, so i’ll do my best to help. first of all, please check my faq for resources and links about mspec labels and bi lesbians.

second of all—generally—here is my advice for when you encounter a queer label that confuses you:

1) literally just ignore it until you...

2) meet someone in your life who uses that label, at which point you might (respectfully) ask them what using that label means to them specifically, and why it’s important. i’ve done this in real life. the script is something like,

“it’s really cool to get to talk to someone in real life about this stuff—if i may ask, what does identifying as [insert label] mean to you, personally?”

you might also say,

“i’ve never met someone who identifies with [their label] before. would you mind giving me some pointers on the important things to keep in mind in order to respect your identity/make sure you feel respected by me?”

i’ve also never asked anyone to correct me if i mess up and say something rude, but i’m working on the confidence and charisma to be able to say that, because i owe that to others.

all of that said, i wanted to respond to some of your specific questions, and clarify a couple of things below the cut. to clarify:

1. “describing [bisexual women] as lesbians seems kinda confusing because lesbian denotes specifically sapphic attraction”. to be clear i am not the one describing bisexual women as lesbians, in this hypothetical situation. when i post about bi-lesbians, i am posting in support of people who—for whatever reason—chose that label for themselves. what i am not doing: advocating to redefine the classically understood definition of lesbian for the entire populous.

2. “wouldn’t it be kinda confusing”? yes! i understand it can be confusing, and i commend you for expressing your confusion instead of reacting in disgust or anger. there are so many things in the queer community that are confusing, even to me, and you don’t need to feel guilty for asking questions as long as you come from a place of genuine curiosity. being confused isn’t bad, and defining yourself in a way that confuses others is, likewise, no transgression.

3. “for the genderqueer folks or trans folks, wouldn’t [identifying as a lesbian] just bring their genders closer to feminine […] wouldn’t non woman lesbians […] be seen as kinda more fem”? the answer is: sort of. it depends entirely on how and why the person using this label came to these words. you wrote, “i’ve heard from some pple i know, they don’t like non binary being seen as more womanly”, and i have definitely also heard that! so, for people who feel that way, they probably wouldn’t want a label that evokes womanhood and/or aligns them with femininity assigned to them. but every person is different—so for some nonbinary people, they absolutely do not want to be seen as “woman-lite”, whereas for other nonbinary people, they might want to be seen closer to femme than masc, while still nonbinary. this goes back to what i said at the beginning: best practice is to ask the people in your life how they want you to respect them.

closing thoughts: i hope this clarified some things, but i understand that the topic may still be confusing—feel free to message me if you want a non-judgmental queer to talk things through with. i promise i’ll take you in good faith <3

#ask fbp #anon ask

[aladygrieve]

So we all know Buck hasn't officially come out yet, right? He told two of the most important people in his life that he is dating a man (and it was wonderful), but he never used the word "bisexual." And as much as this seems to have disappointed some people, it was very much the right narrative choice.

Buck has only just started coming to terms with kissing and dating and being attracted to men as something he DOES. He may have told Maddie and Eddie that he went on a date with a man, but he's still in the process of coming out to himself and wrapping his head around a fundamental shift in what he's always thought of as his identity.

That's why Buck, a Certified Mankisser who was CURRENTLY ON A DATE WITH A DUDE, kept referring to himself as an ally. He told Maddie he feels like a fraud. On the surface that's in reference to his lying to Eddie, but what's really going on is that Buck has impostor syndrome about his own queerness - which, by the way, comes with the Bi ExperienceTM starter pack.

Of course Buck hasn't internalized "bisexual" as something he IS yet. He has always struggled with issues of belonging, something he wants desperately but has never really felt like he deserved. Finding his place with the 118 was the first step on the road to associating the broader queer community with "me" instead of just "people I care about." He feels all the warmth and compassion in the world for his queer friends, and for queer people in general, but he won't be able to claim bisexuality as his own identity until he comes to grips with the fact that he deserves that same warmth and compassion for himself.

He's getting there though. We see great progress even in this one episode, where Buck goes from looking over his shoulder afraid that someone is watching his and Tommy's date to initiating a public handhold with him. He goes from letting Tommy walk away and blaming their brief break-up on his own mistakes and insecurities, to identifying a relationship with Tommy as something he wants and then actively pursuing it.

I'm so excited to see where this arc goes. Because it's not resolved. It's barely begun.

#evan buckley #911 #9-1-1 #7x05 you don't know me #bi!buck #maddie buckley #eddie diaz #tommy kinard

[artemisia-black]

Something has been bothering me for a while

I will block anyone who is rude to me about this.

I absolutely hate the tag "Bi people exist, but x isn't one of them," which always does the rounds during shipping debates.

The use of "exist" in the phrase "bi people exist but x isn't one of them" bothers me deeply. It's not merely the act of excluding someone from the bisexual identity that troubles me; it's the implication behind the word "exist." It insinuates that my bisexuality, and by extension, the bisexuality of others, is somehow up for debate—as if our identities are akin to mythical entities whose realities are questioned.

This phrase doesn't just undermine personal autonomy; it feels like a direct challenge to the legitimacy of bisexuality as a whole. It suggests that being bisexual requires some form of external validation (to know that it 'exists"), reinforcing harmful stereotypes that bisexuality is a phase or that those of us who identify this way are merely confused.

It suggests that bisexuality must adhere to specific, narrow criteria to be acknowledged as valid. This not only negates the fluidity and spectrum of bisexual identity but also disregards the diversity and richness of our experiences.

Additionally, such statements fail to recognise the vast diversity of experiences within the bisexual community. Bisexuality is unique to each individual, and insisting on a homogenised understanding of what it means to be bisexual overlooks this diversity.

Just say you don't think a character is Bi. There is no need to say 'yes bisexuals' exist, because you are (perhaps unwittingly) implying that there's a chance that we don't exist and therein lies the problem.

For extra example, nobody says, "Yes, Straight people exist, but x isn't one of them".

#discourse

[buckttommy]

I think the fundamental problem a lot of people in this fandom are facing is that both biphobia and homophobia are so deeply ingrained in social spaces (of which fandom is one) that identifying them becomes so, so dicey and complicated for some people to grasp. Ordinarily, I am not someone who gravitates toward labels, but in the case of identifying prejudices, it's important to use as specific a label as is available. One of the reasons white leftists, for example, think they cannot be racist is because many of them treat black people as equals. But when those same white leftists lobby racist jokes at Asians, for example, and are subsequently called out on it, they will swear that they most assuredly are not, and cannot, be racist. This is because AAPI racism is different from BIPOC racism, and thus manifests itself differently.

Similarly, homophobia (directed towards gay men) is different from lesbophobia (directed towards gay women), in the same way that aphobia (directed towards asexual people) is different from biphobia (directed towards bisexual people), and so on, even though there are places where all these phobias intersect, i.e. corrective rape, use of slurs, domestic abuse, etc. When people talk about homo/bi/a/lesbophobia in fandom, very rarely are they talking about blanket instances of homophobia that we can all relate to (things like being ostracized, abused, treated differently, etc). In most instances, people are talking about specific and targeted treatment and responses that people who do not fall under those categories might not pick up on.

So when I say that the response to Buck possibly being queer is both homophobic and biphobic, what I mean is that regarding his love for Eddie as something innocent and pure, while simultaneously regarding his sex / sex drive / any future gay fling he might have as something sleazy, uncomfortable, embarrassing, or gross, is wrong. When I say that making snide remarks about Tommy's age is both homophobic and biphobic (with a little bit of bodyshaming and ageism thrown in there too), what I mean is that that idea that he's "too old" or "weird" or "creepy" for potentially having a thing for Buck calls back to the age-old stereotype that gay men / sex between men is inherently predatory, dirty, shameful, and illegal. When I say that going to bisexual fans and shaming them for their sex / sex drives or implying that bisexual sex or sexual/romantic relationships are somehow inherently shameful, dirty, or promiscuous—well, this should hopefully speak for itself, but this too, is also biphoic and also very, very harmful and wrong.

Aside from the last point (which can only be interpreted one way), I'm almost certain that no one in this fandom intends for their words or actions to come across as harmful because, as I mentioned last night, at the end of the day, we are all still here because of the love between two men. But similar to the aforementioned hypothetical white leftist at the top of this post, being "okay" with one group of people, or, in this instance, one iteration of a group of people (i.e. happy, monogamous queer/gay men) does not automatically mean you are okay with all of them (i.e. salacious, promiscuous, non-monogamous gay men), nor does it mean you are immune to internalizing and subsequently regurgitating harmful ideals.

We are all living in an era now where queer stories are both more accessible, and more under fire than ever. So it's important, as queer people in a largely queer fandom, to be conscious about checking our biases at the door and being open to learning when someone rings you up about something. It's not comfortable. It's deeply unpleasant, and the instinctive response is to be defensive because none of us want to be faced with the fact that we still have work to do. None of us want to be "that guy," nor do we want to be "problematic." But we are problematic, we wouldn't be human if we weren't, and we all have work that needs to be done on ourselves so that we can be the best versions of ourselves, for our sakes and for the sakes of others.

Only once that's been taken care of can we discourse about ships and different character readings all day long. But we must first do the work and look within ourselves to make sure we are engaging with each other, and each other's sexualities, through a core of mutual understanding and respect for each other as human beings and how we identify. Otherwise we are, unironically and quite literally, doing society's work for them and letting prejudice invade a space it does not belong.

So. Yeah. That's all I have to say. Shutting up now.

#jack.txt #umm. is this something #i don't know #okay now i'm done