I still cannot get over the fact that the fucking stick. the stupid fucking stick. the stick that, this whole time, has been used as a symbol for the fact that the captain literally cannot get over the war if he tried, that he couldn't put away his identity as a military officer for a second to see what kind of person he might be without it, that the afterlife was trapping him in a role he didn't deserve. that all of that is wrong. it's not a reminder of what he lost, what his life might of been if not for the oppression of society, no. it's a reminder that he was loved. that he was cared for. that no matter how small it was, he had a moment of understanding. of peace. that somebody saw him. that havers saw him. do you get it. he's used that stick for so many glorious beautiful silly lovely things since his death. he's grown and he's learned and he's found a community he's a part of. it was a gift. a token and a reminder and an anchor, sure but mostly. freedom. the larry quote. the whole time we thought it was something he couldn't get rid of. and now we know he doesn't want to.
selfishly want phil to go on a solo tour of his own so i have an equally huge collection of nostalgic / iconic polaroid tour pics of him to keep next to dan's
admittedly i don’t like to think about jeandrew too hard because i feel like i could get sucked in very easily. last time i had a ‘fucking your ex’s ex’ idea it took over my life for six months and i ended up writing 50k :/
thinking about how much a time loop ghosts fic would rip like. maybe it's carpe diem right. like imagine cap doesn't reveal his story, he chickens out, the clock strikes midnight no one moves on they dance they go to bed they wake up.
the morning clubs and discussions seem vaguely familiar but, he's been dead almost 80 years, they run into repeating themselves sometimes, it doesn't register as weird. but when robin runs in yelling that there's a pattern to when they move on, cap starts to get confused. maybe robin is just trying again, he thinks it's TODAY instead? but everyone is reacting like this is the first time they've heard it. maybe he dreamed last night? but he's never had such vivid dreams. strange. he's on edge all day, coming up with theories, and everyone who talks to him can tell there's something a little off. but he doesn't rush into things, so he tries his best to do things the same as yesterday and not make anyone suspicious, but keeps an eye out for anything weird. and he has nothing, clock, dance, sleep. maybe it was a weird dream? but here robin comes again and now he knows something is wrong. so then like, who would he go to first? how does he tell the different ghosts?
there's loops upon loops where he tries telling some of them but not others, having to learn the specific things to say to convince them it's happening and to get them to help. there's loops where he goes to alison and loops where he doesn't and loops where he tries staying away from everyone all day and loops where he can quote what everyone is gonna say before they say it and then. he starts to think, is this really any different than being a ghost in the first place? he's so tired and nothing is working and. maybe he should just give up. experiencing this day over and over again isnt functionally any different than experiencing mindless other days over and over again for years on end. and then he starts to question himself. has this happened before and he's just never noticed? where there years in there, before alison, before pat's clubs, when he'd done the same day multiple times and just been so used to the monotony it didn't register?
and he falls into this like hole of grief and fear and confusion and mostly he thinks about havers. about how if he was here, he would know what to do. about how he always knew what to do. and for loops and loops on end, he stops counting, all he does is wish havers was there with him. he grips the swagger stick so hard it snaps and he throws it as far into the forest and as deep into the lake as he can just to watch it reappear in his hands and he thinks about anthony. about what he had, about what he lost, about what he still has to gain. and he thinks that maybe his family deserve to know. it's not that he owes it to them, it's not something being dragged out of him, taken, like everything else. this is something he can give, freely, and maybe, just maybe, it'll start to feel a little lighter.
so he decides, tomorrow, or today, or the same yesterday, or however it works. next loop, he'll tell them. he keeps everything as similar as he can to that first day, in case this doesn't work and he has to start changing variables again, and when the clock starts to chime, he tells them. and he grips the stick over his heart and he's ready.