A Shaking Surgeon
Chicago Med: Connor Rhodes x Reader
WC: 2.9K
Summary: A long and failed surgery hits the surgeons hard, some only choose to not show it.
Warnings: Stubborn ass Y/N, a little angst if u squint, fluff, comforting, mentioning of blood/body/normal surgery stuff
A/N: Just wanna say firstly, I am not a taught medic and I don't understand shit about these types of things, so take everything I write about medical things with a pinch of salt.
Also, IF YOU LIKE MY WRITINGS, PLEASE DO LIKE, COMMENT AND REPOST <;33
Y/n watched her reflection in the faucet beneath her as she thoroughly washed her hands with the soap bar, her mind elsewhere other than her task that was going to arrive just in seconds.
"L/n?" A person called, making Y/n turn around after shaking off water off of her fingers.
There stood Connor Rhodes, her fellow co-surgeon in most situations.
"Good Afternoon, Dr. Rhodes." She answered while Connor walked up to the sinks to wash his own hands before the surgery.
"Ready for this hell of a fight?" Connor asked, making Y/n, who was staring through the glass into the OR, laugh and turn back to him.
"Just slightly nervous, Dr." She began. "I've never, in my short years of being a worker here, done a surgery for an aortic aneurysm."
Connor stopped the water and shook the rest off of his hands before turning to Y/n with empathy in his eyes.
"I've not known you for a while, but I know and trust you will handle this completely fine. Just, calm down and take deep breaths to not hurry anything." He reassured Y/n who nodded before walking into the OR, Connor following behind.
While a nurse helped Y/n get her gloves on, the nurse noticed a slight shake in Y/n.
"Dr. L/n, are you alright?" She asked, looking up into Y/n's eyes who blinked from nervousity into seriousness.
"I'm fine." Y/n answered shortly before walking to the patient who laid there, completely untouched.
Y/n stared at the patient's skin and took a deep breathe before nodding.
Scalpel!
An incision was made with the scalpel, right by the abdomen.
Connor watched Y/n work silently, only asking for her equipment as she cut open the abdomen where the aneurysm was being hidden.
"Calm down, L/n." Connor muttered as he watched Y/n start to hurry with her work.
Y/n looked up at him, eyes locking with his as she noticed her breathing had stopped. She took a new deep breath and nodded before looking back down.
Clamps
Y/n stuck her hand down, trying to look for a part of the aorta where she could clamp it to stop the blood flow.
"I-.. I can't find a place to clamp down." She nervously stated, trying to look and feel for one.
Connor watched, trying to let Y/n find it for herself, since he knew she could do it.
He had been her teacher once, when she started at the ED.
Connor loved teaching Y/n, who always was open with critique and conversations about her improvement and what she should learn for next time.
He remembered how quickly she got sent up to the surgery team, after helping a surgery right on the spot in one of the emergency rooms.
It hadn't been a shocker for Connor later when Y/n showed her great skills in surgical matter, her calm and collected self helped him AND Downey in their surgeries.
But today, her calm and collected self had vanished, off to go to Bahamas while Y/n stayed and did a open surgical repair of an aortic aneurysm.
"N-No.. I can't- I-" Y/n's stressed muttering got interrupted by Connor.
"Hey, Y/n, calm down. This is going to go okay. Deep breaths. You know what you are looking for, tell me what you feel, look at me and tell me." Connor comforted Y/n who looked up into his eyes.
She nodded and kept her eyes on his, her fingers trying to find the perfect spot.
"I- H-Here, it's not too far from the aneurysm, I found it." She explained, looking down to clamp down onto the aorta.
Y/n went quiet again, looking down into the incision.
Scalpel.
As she got handed the scalpel, she felt her hands start to shake more as she tried to dip her hand into the patient's abdomen.
"Y/n?" Connor asked as he watched Y/n's hand shake as a leaf.
"I'm okay." Y/n said as she took a deep breath in and stuffed her hand down to cut off the weakend part of the aorta which contained the aneurysm.
Graft
Her hands shook only slightly as she tried to put the material tube, but she couldn't. Something was wrong.
"I can't get the graft in place, it's not working." Y/n spoke, her voice quite calm to difference to her mind.
"What do you mean?" One of the nurses beside her asked, brows furrowed.
"It- It won't. I checked this earlier and it should work but it won't do it." Y/n answered, starting to speak slightly quicker in stress.
Connor stood there, watching as he tried figuring out the problem.
"We need a solution, we can't leave this poor girl like this, I won't leave her to die." Y/n rambled while trying to fix with the graft.
The crew began quickly thinking about solutions, watching Y/n try to fit the graft by the aorta but failing miserably.
But alas, in the end, nothing worked.
A failed surgery, now a life of a woman taken to a stop.
Y/n hurried out from the OR, pulling her gloves and mask off, as her coat.
She watched Connor do the same before walking with him to the OR waiting room.
"Mr. Donawell. I am sorry to say, but your wife sadly passed in the surgery." Y/n said, feelings behind her words but her face showed nothing, like a stone cold wall.
Mr. Donawell stared at Y/n, tears startng to drop down into his lap until his eyebrows furrowed into an angry expression.
"You!" He shouted. "You murderer!"
Connor walked forward, putting a hand in front of Mr. Donawell.
"Mr. Donawell, calm down. Dr. L/n did her best work in that OR. The best I've seen lately. I understand your grief and I am so sorry for your loss, but this is not her fault. She only wanted the best for your wife." He argumented, the man in front of him turning quiet and sit back down in his chair.
Y/n bit down on her inner cheek as the two men fought, her mind and feelings running laps around and around.
"Once again, I am sorry for your loss and take your time. There is no hurry and when you feel like writing the last forms, come up to the desk and we will help you." Y/n spoke to the man who sat with tears streaming in his eyes.
Mr. Donawell nodded and put his head down, trying to calm his breathing.
Y/n and Connor took that as a sign to leave him alone and walked away down toward the ED.
"Hey, L/n, you okay?" Connor asked before they stepped out into the big chaotic room that got called ED.
Y/n nodded and gave a soft smile to the man beside her, Connor feelng his heart to flips as he got to see the woman's smile once more.
It had started when he began teaching her. The feelings. The feelings of wanting more than they could have.
The looks, smiles, brushes past their hands, everything.
It had to mean something, it did mean something. Atleast for Connor.
The way Y/n's head leaned against Connor's shoulder when they sat in the breakroom after a long surgery to just calm down before any paramedics ran in with a new patient.
The way Y/n smiled at him every morning, calling out a "Good morning, Rhodes." with the slight wave with her fingers.
It had to mean something, it had to have some meaning behind with that wasn't only platonic.
"Wanna take a break in the breakroom? I know that surgery was hard." Connor asked as they stepped into the ED.
"No, I'm okay, I promised April to help her with her patient." Y/n said with a smile before walking away to April who smiled and waved at her.
Connor sighed, knowing that Y/n could not be in good shape after that surgery, he just knew it but couldn't say anything.
He went off to do his own work, helping Natalie with a patient.
After some work with the patient, who was a young little girl who had started to throw up everything without any sign of sickness, Y/n and April walked over to Maggie to do some paper work.
"Oh, yeah, how did the surgery go?" April asked Y/n who stopped her writing, not ready for the question.
"It went.. It went terribly, I couldn't fit the stupid graft by the aorta and slowly but surely the woman died, the clamp on the aorta had accidentally ripped off something and blood got everywhere."
Maggie and April looked at each other in worry and looked at Y/n who continued writing on her paper work, trying to ignore the looks from the two women.
"The husband, Mr. Donawell, got angry at me and called me a murderer. Which I kinda understand." Y/n continued to ramble, turning the paper to continue writing.
"Hey, Y/n?" Maggie said, grabbing Y/n's attention.
"Oh, Dr. Rhodes cleared the feelings and Mr. Donawell calmed down." She explained with a small smile.
"No, Y/n, how are you feeling? The loss of a patient isn't something easy." Maggie asked, worry and empathy filling her eyes.
Y/n's smile faltered and she tried to bring it back up.
"I'm okay, really, it happens sometimes and I tried my best." She reassured with a slight smile, the women in front of her not believing it but not pushing on anymore.
"I'm gonna check on that little girl again." Y/n said as she completed the paperform, putting it back down on the desk before walking into the patient's small room.
"Hi, Lucy, Ms. Hadfelt." Y/n greeted the small girl and her mother who looked quite distressed.
"I got answer from your tests, you remember those small pricks you felt in your arm that Nurse April took?" She told Lucy who smiled and nodded.
"Well, we have found out that it is your stomach that has a little problem, it won't let your food melt down with your stomach acid, which means that it has no way of going down so it comes up instead, and you throw up." Y/n explained, Lucy nodding with some confusion in her eyes.
"But," Y/n looked at Ms. Hadfelt. ", this is fixed with medication. I will prescribe you a medication that will allow your stomach to do it's job."
Ms. Hadfelt grew a smile on her face and nodded, silently thanking Y/n who only smiled and nodded.
"So in only a few minutes, you and your mom can go home, and it will say on the medicine box how to take them but I would recommend she takes them for every meal, and if it doesn't get better, take two every meal."
The mom nodded and Y/n left with a slight bow in respect.
As she walked out, she accidentally walked into Connor, stumbling slightly in her walk.
"Oh- So sorry, Rhodes." She apologised with a smile.
"No worries, L/n." Connor answered, his hand on her shoulder to reassure her.
A slight spark went down Y/n's shoulder as she felt Connor's calloused hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, our shifts are over soon, wanna go to Molly's after? I can buy you a drink if you want to?" Connor asked, a small smile on his face.
The only thing Y/n wanted to do was go home and cry her eyes out, but the smile on Connor's face made her think otherwise.
"Yeah, sure." Y/n answered, her smile never leaving her face as Connor nodded and walked away.
Y/n walked back to April and Maggie, her smile still there as she leaned against the desk.
"Did Ms. "I promise I have no feelings for him" just get asked out on a date?" Maggie teased Y/n who's smile turned into an annoyed expression.
"Shut up, this isn't a date, we usually hang out like that you know." Y/n argued back while April and Maggie giggled for themselves.
"And I promise you, nothing will happen on this so called 'date'." Y/n promised them both, pointing a finger at them before looking up at the clock up on the wall.
"And now my shift is done, see you guys tomorrow." She bid goodbye for them both before walking into the breakroom, opening her locker.
As she was changing her shoes, Connor walked in, a smile now on his face as he noticed Y/n.
"You still up for Molly's?" Connor asked and Y/n smiled and nodded, pulling her coat on.
"See you again in maybe 30 minutes?" Y/n said and Connor agreed, walking with her out from the hospital into the parking lot.
"Well, see you." Connor said to Y/n who waved to him before sitting down into her car, driving off back to her apartment while Connor stood there, his smile never leaving his face.
About 30 minutes later, Y/n walked into the bar, now new clothes on that wasn't her scrubs.
She wore a simple black short skirt, a white top and an oversized leather jacket on top.
It was an evening in the late spring, so thankfully the outfit didn't make her too cold.
Y/n looked around and saw that Connor sat by the bar, wearing a pair on grey pants with a brown sweater, his hand holding a half empty glass of some alcoholic drink.
Y/n walked up to him and sat beside him, smiling.
"You started to drink without me?" She teased Connor who turned to look at her, his expression turning to a happy and slightly surprised one.
His eyes wandered down to check her outfit out and he felt his body just melt, piece by piece, just by looking at her.
"You look good." He complimented her with a smile, making Y/n just want to pull Connor into a makeout session, right then and there.
"You too, Rhodes." She said back to him, watching as the bartender walked up to the pair.
"Well, hello L/n." He greeted Y/n who only nodded back at him. "What can I get you this fine evening."
Y/n chuckled and told her usual order and he nodded, starting to make the drink.
"Hey, I know you're not in the best state after that surgery." Connor blurted out, making Y/n lose her smile.
"It doesn't matter, things like that happen sometimes, and that's okay." Y/n muttered, smiling at the bartender who handed her the drink.
"It does matter, I worry about you and I don't want you walking around with a burden like that." Connor told Y/n who focused on her drink in front of her.
"I know you. I know that something like that hit a spot in your mind and isn't going to leave if we don't talk about it."
"Well, what is there to talk about? Huh? Are you going to tell me that it was all my fault and I could've done it so much better and that Downey will never see me as his head surgeon anymore and I won't get a promotion?" Y/n snapped back, making Connor hitch his breath in shock.
"Y/n. It's not your fault." Connor sighed, trying to speak in a calm tone.
"What?-"
"It's not your fault." Connor interrupted Y/n who stared at Connor in a mix of shock, anger and sadness.
"No, it's-"
"It. Is. Not. Your. Fault." He said again, his hand now on Y/n's, he could now feel how it shook in stress.
Y/n stared at Connor who looked at her with empathy and sadness.
She couldn't say anything, her eyes starting to burn with tears taht threatened to fall down.
Connor stood up from his bar stool and slowly embraced the shaking woman in front of him, her feelings now more open than they ever had been.
Y/n softly began sobbing, her hands gripping onto Connor's sweater, her tears staining the wool as she sobbed into his shoulder.
"You're okay, it's okay." Connor whispered as Y/n began slowly to calm down, her head lifting upwards toward his.
Her eyes connected with his, hers covered in a layer of tears that had yet to fall down her cheeks, other wise to Connor's that showed empathy and love.
"Y/n, I am here for you. I will listen to all of your problems, speak about your gossip or anything your heart desires. I have loved you for so long that I would never find you weak or ill for anything." Connor confessed, not really thinking this was the way he would confess.
Y/n stared up into his eyes, a little shock in them now.
"You.. You love me?" She asked softly, Connor nodding while smiling softly.
"I'm glad, because I love you too." Y/n whispered, leaning up to Connor and softly pushing her lips onto his.
Holy shit. Was what Connor thought, his lips meeting hers too.
It was like fireworks all around them, like party poppers popping every second as Y/n's hand slid up to his face to cup it while they kissed even more deeper.
After some seconds, they parted, small smiles on their faces.
"Wow." Connor muttered, making Y/n chuckle and pull him into a hug, now without any tears, nor any shaking hands.
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