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biggest-gaudiest-patronuses · 3 years

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I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.)

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

#The way things are is not the way things will always be. So I have learned to trust.#i...i accidentally spent 4 1/2 HOURS writing this what the FUCK #long post #not a shitpost #serious post #mental health #c-ptsd #complex ptsd #trauma #ask to tag #i need to take a break and drink some tea #maybe with the fancy new tea biscuits i just bought #they have pecans and honey. i like honey #pecans are gross though except apparently in biscuits. these biscuits are really good #anyway let me know if you're worried I've misspoke or misrepresented anything here #again i'm not a professional. i'm just a person in therapy who has spent the last few years learning about and healing from complex trauma #and i wish i had known all of this years sooner. but i know it now so i'm putting it out there #bc i hope it helps someone dealing with the same things i dealt with.#i know things now that were painful to learn. and i will use them gently with great care #i wish i hadn't suffered the way i suffered. but since i have--how miraculous if i could use it to prevent others from suffering the same #that's the best thing to do with pain i think. turn it into something warm and blazing and try to use it to keep others warm #pain is like fire that way. you can burn yourself and others with it. or you can tame it and keep it in a jar and use it as a guiding light #For the Love of All the Fucks please notify me of typos

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the-guy-in-the-chair · 2 years

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My (rambling) bio

I figured I should introduce myself on this blog, especially since I dumped such a big post earlier as a basic nobody. This is copy/pasted from the “bio” tab at the top of my blog, so this info is always available, if you ever need to get reacquainted, or if you happen to point a new friend in my direction. This might be hard to follow, a little bumpy, TMI, yet secretive. I apologize in advance. But, here I am. I say “hello.” And I give you my story:

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Call me Laur. It’s not what I go by in real life, but it’s part of my real name, and it’s been my online identity for a long time now.

Male. He/ him.

Twenty-something. I look like I belong in that nebulously 18-30ish age group. College-ish. I’m small, like 5’4”, 120ish when I’m healthy. Skinny-built. Short dark hair. Cool shoes. I get ID’d a lot. Or I would, if I ever went out. Also sort of socially/emotionally young for my chronological age, but that comes with the territory with my need, I guess. (You’ll put it all together as you read on.)

When I do go out, sometimes I’m on my feet. I’ve got maybe a decent football field in me. Stairs and I currently don agree. I’m on full-time fluids and feeds, so I’m in a backpack with tube tails wherever we go. If it’s a lengthy distance, I use a manual wheelchair, which I count on DD to drive for me. (I’m horrible at operating my current set of wheels, and I’m awaiting a call to set up an eval for something different.)

Queer. Ace. In a committed relationship with an amazing partner (call her DD). Home-share situation. We have some kids. We have some roommates. We operate like a village/extended or found family. We’re certified and background checked. No weird shit, except in the litter box. (And I guess four people’s worth of tubes/ motility variants as well. But anyway…)

Autistic, classically, high-functioning. Trouble with tone and emotional management and social skills, but I have some. Trouble holding a job, but again, I’ve had some. I followed that normal progression of babysitting/odd jobs to retail to a desk job that used my degree, along with a brief side gig as a small scale professional athlete/ sponsored fitness model (I know, right? Take the chances as they come; they may never come again.) This is all before my physical health deteriorated to the point of me becoming chronically ill.

Mental health challenges: depression and anxiety, which have been present since childhood. Trouble sleeping and sleepwalking as well. Some weird sensory aversions and OCD-ish habits, though nothing overwhelmingly hard to handle. BPII arrived in my early 20s and completely disrupted my life. I’ve experienced severe panic attacks. I‘ve experienced trauma and some abuse that has left me pretty scarred. Some is hard to talk about, and I probably won’t bring it up. Some is related to how I was raised (super conservative right-wing military family, only child, strict behavioral and academic expectations), and some comes from events and people that have added up to specific aversions and needs (like, I’m not so shy about explaining this one: I’m very uncomfortable and kind of frightened of 24-hour answering services, such as hotlines, front desk-type concierge, and even personally-recorded voicemail lines).

Physical health… basically crashed and burned when I was about 26. There were some random odd signs of things being off (like week-long episodes of bad constipation when I was around 22, and even some irregularities in how I had grown when I was a toddler), but I was a generally health, albeit petite adult when all of a sudden my digestive system up and quit working. I lost a ton of weight, became a walking skeleton, could keep food down, couldn’t use the toilet, etc. Was hospitalized, had an NJ placed, and eventually had a permanent J tube placed. Testing (SmartPill and Gastric Emptying Scan and Sitz Markers all confirmed complete gastroparesis with atrophied stomach, some movement in small intestine, and absolutely nothing in the colon—seriously, the markers either got lost at the top of the colon or the batteries died in a period of nine days after the final images were collected from the studies) confirmed the original diagnosis, and we started the (still continuing) wild goose chase to find some kind of genetic or autoimmune marker to explain what is going on.

After the J, I still had a lot of gastric distress, especially constipation. I ended up having a full colectomy in December of 2020. I had a ton of severe complications, including a huge ilius that kept me in hospital for 12 days post-op (we were expecting something more like 4). I was on oxygen for freaking ever, and they kept putting the G drain down my throat, then upping my J feed rate, then taking the G out, then I’d have vomiting episodes, then they’d put the G back in… They discharged me on TPN, and it took a full 8 months before I was fully weaned back to just formula feeds (and I have severe food allergies so there is a single peptide formula on the market that’s suitable to go into my body). I had to have a G tube placed as well to release air/pressure and gastric secretions so I can feed appropriately and have the formula absorb in the jejunum instead of sitting around and making me nauseated. With my stomach drained, I can even clamp my tube briefly and take oral meds as needed. Eat applesauce in 3-oz portions. Blue popsicles. It’s kinda cool, to, like taste things. It all drains out of my stomach, so it doesn’t make me sick or anything. Just have to empty the Ferral at the end of the day.

Even AFTER all that, I was still having trouble maintaining a minimum standard of health. I couldn’t stand up for a long time. Sit up for a long time. Get up quickly to tend a crying baby. I would pass out. I couldn’t maintain my blood pressure. Blood oxygen level was iffy sometimes. We suspected POTS, and I was tested, and I was so close to meeting criteria for diagnosis, but even with my BP dipping into the 40s on the tilt table, I wouldn’t lose consciousness. No dice. So we did the next best thing, and kept me on IV fluids. One liter of normal saline and one liter of D5 half normal, every night, delivered through a Y port and a PICC line in my right bicep. Home health care came to change the dressing weekly, and labs (BMP, sometimes with a bonus vial or two) were drawn on the same timetable at the local lab infusion center. It was fine for a while, but then insurance quit cover home health. We and surgeon agreed this was becoming a long- term thing (instead of just a post-surgery stabilization thing, since we were now doing the fluids as a daily treatment for blood pressure and my pseudo POTS), and we transferred the prescriptions to my primary care doc, along with another shout to cards for a second opinion.

After a bit of finagling, we set a date to place a port, for it was clear that even without POTS, I needed a permanent central line for fluids daily access. After that was established, we went to caring for the site and dressings at home. (DD is very capable, and I am very comfortable with her expertise.) The lab infusion center still pulls my weekly BMP, and I’m now on a regiment of regular infusions of iron (severe anemia, low iron, low energy), IVIG (immunodeficiency, low energy, low counts), and a new-to-the-market high-dose migraine medication (for a lifetime severe headache and migraine disorder that’s pretty much unresponsive to all other treatments besides sedation. In a pre-op unit. Under the care of an anesthesiologist. I kid you not. I was the first and only patient the hospital has ever treated using that technique, and and the Neurology resident and attending had to sign off on it, as well as the anesthesiology attending. Chief anesthesiologist? I’m not quite sure of the best terminology, but the guy in charge did the procedure, and many, many penguins in white coats and hair nets holding breathing machines stood by. Anyway. It worked. I have been inpatient with severe headaches since then, in the same hospital— though in a different building— and nobody has dared to try it again.) We have a bear of a time getting folks to reconcile my medical record with my port listed as a device for DAILY prescription fluid delivery, instead of weekly or monthly infusion medication delivery (which, technically it is, but then people seem to think you can clamp it or flush it or deaccess it or be all rough with it and it’ll be fine until it’s needed next week or month or whatever, which isn’t true.) My port is also very little (because I’m kind of little)— it’s a 22 gauge needle 0.75 inch length power port, which is kind of below the usual standard. I can take a 1 inch, though it really sticks out, and I definitely need a biopatch to pad it. In order to care for it properly, you have to baby it. Treat it gently, like a pediatric port (which, it basically is; they place this same port in kids). I’ve had a lot of nurses try to do an immediate hard draw with an empty syringe, just pulling on it like some kind of of rabid vampire bat. You have to do half a flush, then get flash in the line, then switch syringes to get waste, then start the draw… I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I mean, you guys know this My roommate with a 6- week CNA who’s never stepped foot in a basic bio lab knows this. It’s assault. It really is. It contributes to the failure of people’s equipment, and for people with difficulty in social situation, such as challenging authority, or being assertive without becoming aggressive, or controlling a crying tendency…it’s really hard to speak up and defend your rights to fair and proper healthcare. And right now, in the pandemic, where many places are limiting spaces to only two people, or only patient and practitioner, or only patient and aid (or no aid, if the patient is over 18 and/ or deemed otherwise “too able” or “already too aided” to need assistance, usually as visually and arbitrarily assessed by someone like a receptionist, who has little to no training or baseline standard as to what constitutes said need for assistance, such as but not limited to: the fact that the person has a hearing aid, the office/ chair is not “that far” from the entrance, the person is wearing glasses, the person doesn’t have a visible mobility device, the person was seen driving the car, the person was speaking without an impediment… I could go on all day.

I have rather frequently not been allowed to take DD with me into places where I do need assistance, on the grounds of such very real examples as:

I am not profoundly deaf and therefore not lost and disoriented in my pre-op bay, so my hard-of-hearing self better just hand my aids over to the nurse collecting the rest of mt personal belongings and squint at the person reviewing my chart, mispronouncing the names of all my meds, and trying to illicit all other kinds of personal information whilst someone else is coming at me with 20G needle to start a completely unnecessary high-flow IV (hello, port, look up approximately 10 inches. Or mind the chart.)

The “treatment area” can only contain two people. Said treatment area contains a patient’s chair and a rolling table. Yes, there is a print-out taped to the wall stating a maximum occupancy of two people. However, the privacy curtain for the treatment bay (this is at an infusion center, mind you, not a place where people actually get undressed) does not have to be closed. Nor does it have to be closed all the way in order to create privacy, or the general format of a defined exam room-like space. The bays are positioned directly off an open office area, where 10 or more desks with computers face inward in a large U-shape. Anyone who walks in and is taken back to a bay can see what every receptionist and nurse and CNA is doing— charting, patient info, web browsing, DoorDash, corporate training, I’ve quite literally seen it all. But, what I’m trying to point out is that if they’re worried about privacy or germ spreading, like by having other people too close to the patient/practitioner area, it’s a moot point. People’s aids could come back with them and stand at a respectable distance, even outside the drawn privacy curtain, and they wouldn’t really be breaking any of their own rules. And, not to be picky, but the other infusion pharmacy (which is kind of more upscale, and actually has more regs and stuff) allows aids without much issue. I know rules vary, but, come on.

The practitioner is not comfortable with DD being in the room, and she refuses point blank to do the procedure (in this case, an upper body ultrasound associated with a blood infection— just a cursory check for clots or pockets of goo or anything strange). I‘d had another ultrasound just the day before with a different technician (on my chest area; today’s procedure was meant to be a continuation of that), and that person hadn’t had any problems with DD accompanying me. We tried telling her that, and she was still like, no way. She was kind of aggressive about it, too. Defensive. She said she would cancel the procedure. Eventually we got her to ask if another technician was available. I don’t know if she actually did or not, but she said there wasn’t, and eventually it came down to have it now, alone, or mess up your care schedule and discharge plan (at this point we were trying to get out in time to make it to a very important outpatient appointment). So I had it alone. Against my patient rights. It was not ok.

I could go on with this section, but I’m sure you’ve gotten the idea by now. I’ll move along.

Some other relevant information regarding challenges/medical:

I’m hearing impaired, as I’ve already said (mild/moderate). I’m completely aided. Discovered it in my mid 20s when I was working in an office and doing a lot of boardroom, a lot of notes, scribing for people, and it was like, wow, I’m not catching stuff. DD is deaf as well and she has helped me get really good care.

Very mild visual impairment; I wear glasses and contacts, and I have high risk of detached cornea and early glaucoma. Also have strange vision disturbances due to neurological activity. All of it is reported to specialists, though, and properly cared for.

I don’t drive, and at the moment I don’t think I can. I have driven before, independently, but with my physical impairments and anxiety, it’s just not safe anymore. There was an instance where I lost consciousness while driving on a highway, vision whiting out, hearing buzzing out, pressure in my ears, body tipping sideway, the whole shebang— I miraculously just ended up coasting forward and staying in my lane, just decelerating a bit for some unknown amount of time until I came to and was able to pull over. I’ve also had Shroedinger’s epilepsey diagnosis for a while; migraines or seizures? Visual disturbance or aura? EKG is worthless, and we keep missing the tipping point for meds (too sedating, or not enough to be helpful). But, all in all, no driving. Not safe.

Reactive arthritis. I’ve had it after getting vaccines. I lose a lot of mobility in my “big” joints— knees, mostly, but also ankles, elbows, and wrists. I have some pretty awesome bracing contraptions and compression garments, but there’s no way to get away from the pain of the flairs.

Fatigue issues (related to an on and off ability to hold healthy H & H, protein, iron, white count, platelets, etc., as well as slow healing from surgeries and acute illnesses, rapid changes in blood sugar and blood pressure due to feeds/fluids/meds, and probably a thousand other things.) Sometimes I can pick up my 30-ish pound preschooler, but often I can’t. The stairs are my nemesis, and I try to avoid venturing up and down more than one or two times a day. Breathlessness, sleepiness, shakiness, lack of motivation and drive, they all happen. Frequently. Simultaneously. As recently as November 2021, I was able to take the adult advanced class at my kiddo’s ballet school. I think I‘ve popped in once so far in 2022? Sometimes I am very well. But sometimes (a lot of the time) I’m really not.

Severe headache and migraine disorder, as I’ve already mentioned. I’m going to be upfront about this, and I want you to understand, but I also have no patience in this field. I’m not playing games here. I’m talking about 10+ level pain. For days. No relief. I have been hospitalized for it. I have actually sustained a traumatic brain injury after receiving a dangerous combination of medications that an inept doctor ordered in an attempt to treat a static migraine. I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want “have you tried…?” Believe me, I’ve had it all. OTC, Rx, oral, sublingual disintegrating, injectable, IV. Standard “cocktails,” specialty drugs, new stuff, old stuff dinosaurs probably chewed on. As I’ve already talked about, I had the one anesthesia procedure (it was actually two anesthesias, back to back) that made a difference, and that was a really big deal in terms of accountability/cutting edge science, all that stuff. I’ve had a preliminary appointment with a neurologist who is a pain specialist, and his staff has had an argument with my insurance to get me in for a temporary nerve block (lidocaine injections in the occipital nerves along the back of the skull). I’m going to have that soon (end of Feb 2022). If that’s successful in preventing or dulling headaches, he can do a permanent version where certain nerves are cauterized (under anesthesia) to keep the pain down. This specialist, as well as my current neurologist, and one neurology resident I met while inpatient, are quite literally the only medical professionals who have ever shown a lick of care with regard to my headaches. I know nobody cares. I know nothing helps. Don’t pretend. Just don’t. If you have headache issues, I’m actually really open to talk shop. But I’m going to be honest. And the stuff out there… the care out there… it’s kind if slim pickings.

I’ve had a lot of surgeries. Some of them I’ve already mentioned, and some I’m not so ready to open up about. Scars are a thing. Places with no feeling. Places with way overactive nerve stuff, like tingling and pain and touch aversion.

Food allergies, some severe. Some odd. Like soy. And oats, for instance. And they’re sneaking into everything, especially with the push to get whole grains into kids’ food. (They changed the recipe of FrootLoops. They contain oat flour now. And, just for kicks, couscous manufactured in the United States? Contains soy protein isolate. Couscous manufactured in Israel, though. Wheat flour and water. All kosher, baby.)

Sensory aversions, also, like I’ve said. Most of them minor (like, I really like popsicle, and they tend to agree with my current digestive setup. Bomb pops used to be made differently, and they were softer to bite into, even right out of the freeze. Now they’re, like, crystalline ice, super solid, will shatter between your teeth. I hate it.), but sometimes stuff is… a bit not good. I am absolutely repellent to toothpaste, which makes me shy about toothbrushes, which makes me weird about stuff (disregarding food items) going in my mouth. Oral hygiene is… challenging. I’m kind of embarrassed about it. So I’m going to drop it now.

Real quick, relevant other embarrassing thing— post-colectomy anatomical shifty stuff happened, and incontinence, it’s a thing. Caths are great; I’m foley’d overnight and often during the day. Otherwise, other supplies are used to keep everything tidy. We’re looking into a more permanent solution, like a superpubic cath, but no hard plans are set.

Switching to a more positive note, what do I do? Well, a lot of things.

You already know my background. Right now, I’m kind of between jobs; DD and I are looking into getting me on a waiver with her as my caretaker, so, if things go well, by the end if the year (maybe??) we could both get some income from the state/the insurance. My physical limitations severely restrict what I can do, as does my fatigue. DD is caregiver in chief not only for me, but for the household in general. I help her as much as I can, but it never feels like enough.

I do kitchen chemistry (preparing tube feeds for me and and our 3 tube-fed littles), and I oversee my own medications, which is a job all its own (15ish daily meds and about 5 PRNs? It’s a lot, but I have a great lockbox and stackable pill keeper. We also have a hospital-grade Silent Knight (pill crusher), so pretty much any non-ER tablet or capsule can be made into a J tube med delivered via syringe.

On the more professional side of things, I’m a freelance writer and artist. I have experience as a technical writer, but I’m currently into fiction. I have a published novel (My professional press blog is @llcupp-author, if you want to check that out.) I also have stuff published on Kindle Vella, Amazon’s short story platform. I have tons of material in-work, but life has very majorly gotten in the way, and I haven’t put anything through the editing and publishing process recently. I also teach art, and I’m working on a continuing ed cert in art therapy.

I’m Daddy to one hamster (hopefully two, soon). Caregiving adult, pseudo-parental figure to 3 great littles. Fan of jamming at rock concerts with the love of my life (we’ve seen Bad Wolves 3 times, Three Days Grace 2 times —both accidentally, FFDP, Greta Van Fleet, Blue October, Dashboard Confessional, Breaking Benjamin… and we have a pretty good tour planned for this year.). But on the daily, we live a mostly private life. I blog. We go to appointments. We play with kids. Tidy. Make messes again. Stay up late working on projects. Go to bed early because of The Tired.

So. That’s it. Stick around; hear me chatter. I like to release my feelings into words out into the great wide internet. Join me if you’d like? The road is open. I have accessible parking. All are welcome here.

#Bio #about me #laur talks #life update #health update #chronic illness #disability #tubie #spoonie #introduction #mental health #health #healthcare system #meds #trauma #surgery #hospital

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pandemonshq · 4 years

Photo

Welcome, Destinee, please grab your stake on your way to your tumblr to play Daphne Greengrass here at Pandemons. We were thrilled to see how you created a brilliant family history and dynamic for Daphne—the divorce, her family connections, and how her history feeds into her choices. And her job as a translator? Inevitably going to get her (and you) broiled in more trouble than expected here.

Your request for michaela conlin. // jessica henwick FCs have been accepted.

OOC

Name: destinee.

Preferred Pronouns: she/her, they/them

Age: twenty-four.

Timezone: est.

Activity Level: if you to ask me for one of those out of ten scores i’d probably give myself about a six. i really enjoy roleplaying but i have some chronic problems that occasionally put me out of commission. i’m typically online in the late afternoon and at night.

IN CHARACTER INFORMATION

Character’s Name: daphne greengrass.

Bloodstatus: pureblood.

Birthday: october 4th, 1979.

Gender and Sexuality: cis female, bi-romantic, demisexual.

Former Hogwarts House: slytherin.

Infection: no.

Faceclaim: michaela conlin. // jessica henwick.

SHORT HEADCANON TOPICS

Occupation:

translator.

daphne has always been a bright girl, though she was never the type to flaunt it. she was never the type to draw unnecessary attention to herself, preferring to slip by in the shadows - she was perfectly content to let others take the spotlight, and the blame.

still, she did love to know things. she was quite fond of history, and loved to know the stories behind mysterious artifacts and lost treasures. on sleepless nights, she has always been found curled up in the corner of a library, reading whatever happened to catch her eye.

it was her desire to read books and inscriptions that lead to the discovery of her talent for languages. she taught herself what she could for awhile, and then she turned to her parents, begging for lessons in any language that could be taught. her parents shrugged their shoulders, and let their daughter do as she pleased. unsatisfied with simply learning french and german and russian and latin, she threw herself into the study of ancient and beast languages, and found herself among one of the few with an affinity for such things.

daphne dreamed of putting her talent to good use - of traveling the world writing journals, or translating ancient inscriptions for cursebreakers. but then her parents announced that they’d found her a husband, and daphne put her dreams on the shelf to be the lovely, loyal housewife she was expected to be.

one of the first things she did after her divorce was finalized was dust off those dreams of hers. daphne has translated ancient texts and read the inscriptions of golden sarcophagi. she has translated for ministry officials as they delicately negotiated peace with magical beings, and been the helping hand to reunite frightened tourists with their lost children. she’s quite proud of her skill and of her work.

Marital Status/Ships:

daphne remembers clearly how it felt, to sit in the common room surrounded by happy, giggling girls and not understand. whenever her friends would gossip about boys, or gush over an attractive stranger, daphne would sit in silence. she learned fairly quickly that her friends found it odd that she didn’t seem to like boys, so she learned to smile and pretend to get it, but most of the time she just didn’t. when one of her friends had confided in her that she liked girls, daphne wondered if that was perhaps why she didn’t get it … but then, she found she didn’t really understand when her friends gossiped about girls, either.

pansy would talk about draco more often than anyone wanted to hear, and for long time, it went in one ear and out the other for daphne. but then she met him, and an offhand remark became the odd conversation became a friendship. and daphne finally started to get it. because she liked draco. more than she liked anyone - or, more accurately, differently than she liked anyone else. the trouble was that pansy liked draco, and pansy was the leader of their little clique. daphne had always been taught the importance of social circles, and so she never said a word.

daphne met a girl in the library in her fifth year; a ravenclaw with a thirst for knowledge that rivaled her own and a delightfully snarky attitude. they started dating in sixth year, and their relationship held strong through the turmoil and tragedy of the war and it’s aftermath. but then her parents reminded her that she wasn’t a child anymore, and it was time she started looking for an appropriate match. daphne crushed her own heart in her hands and ended the relationship, and she quietly fears that she’ll never recover.

daphne is still raw and aching when she finds out about astoria and draco. it brings a flash of old feelings to the surface, but once more, she stomps it down. she puts on a smile, and she supports her sister at every turn. it isn’t too long after that her parents nudge her in the direction of the wizard they’ve deemed her proper match - a frenchman with a handsome face and a flawless pedigree. daphne hopes something will spark between them, but it never really does. she marries him anyway, because it’s what her parents want.

the marriage is a disaster. they have nothing in common, except for regrets. they argue over what restaurants to visit, how daphne should do her hair, whether daphne should be allowed to work. he sleeps around, but truthfully, she couldn’t care less. the moment she finds out she’s pregnant, she’s more than happy to kick him out of her bed entirely. she’s only obligated to supply him one heir, after all.

their daughter is born, and daphne falls in love. cynthia instantly becomes the center of her whole world. her husband is not so impressed. he insists he wants a son, but daphne isn’t having any of it. the relationship devolves even further, and daphne sees less and less of her husband as the months roll by. cynthia is three years old when things hit a boiling point. her husband strikes her during an argument, and daphne is enraged. she draws her wand and forcibly hurls him out of the house, and sends his things flying after him. daphne will put up with a lot of things for the sake of her family’s reputation, but not this. he returns to france, and daphne at last feels free.

romance is the last thing on daphne’s mind these days. a single mother with a career doesn’t have much time to fuss about those things, especially when they’ve never been particularly fussed in the first place. now that her sister has fallen ill, she has even less time to think about it. she has to be there for her daughter, her sister, her nephew, and for draco. just because she isn’t thinking about it, though, doesn’t mean it might not surprise her. old flames and new could be hiding around any corner.

MULTIPARAGRAPH OR MULTI-POINT TOPICS

Family

Father | Nestor Greengrass. the greengrass family is one of the truest, purest bloodlines around, and sure, that’s something to be proud of - but more importantly, that’s something to take advantage of. nestor is as crafty as a salesman can be, and he knows how to market himself and the shop. he’s carefully crafted and maintained the ideal reputation; the perfect balance of shady and trustworthy. money is truly his main motivation for nearly everything he does. he’s always encouraged his children to be intelligent, sly, and greedy. he’s certainly a selfish man, but one that does care for his family. whether or not he cares about them more than he cares for himself, though, is rather hard to tell.

Mother | Meilin Greengrass. meilin has certain expectations. there are ways that people should and should not behave. there are obligations that people must fulfill, and duties they must complete. of course people are not perfect. little mistakes may be made from time to time. the young will stray from the path every now and again, but they simply need to be guided back into their place. she has always fully expected her daughters to fall perfectly in line - and the fact that things are so imperfect? that their perfect perfect reputation has been blemished? it infuriates her.

Sister | Astoria Malfoy. daphne’s relationship with her family is a bit … complicated, but she has always loved her little sister with all of her heart. from the time they were small, daphne has always tried to look after astoria, to be the best big sister she can be. she’s always wanted to be someone astoria could look up to, and it’s motivated her a lot in her life. when she found out her sister had fallen ill, she was devastated.

Daughter | Cynthia Greengrass. daphne never really thought much about being a mother. she supposes she’s always been a bit mother; she can recall the many times her sister would roll her eyes and say, “okay, mom” or the way pansy would sometimes groan and snap “you aren’t my mother.” she’s always known that she would have kids one day. it was one of her responsibilities, after all. continue the family line. but she still didn’t really think about it. even throughout her pregnancy, daphne didn’t really think of herself as a mother. she felt more like a bloated bus than anything else. but then she held her daughter in her arms for the first time, and it felt like the world shifted. her daughter is her sun and her sky and all of the stars. she would do anything to keep cynthia safe, and to make her happy. and if anyone were to threaten her sweet, wonderful little girl … she wouldn’t rest until they paid for it.

Childhood/Hogwarts

most people would say knockturn alley is no place for children, but to daphne, it’s simply home. she had spent her early years young and fearless, running down cobblestone streets, dodging the hags that often lurked in the crowds, admiring the dark artifacts her father sold, spying on the illicit clinic her mother ran. perhaps it warped her perspective a bit; perhaps she doesn’t always fear things that she should; but no one can deny that it’s blessed her with nerves of steel.

daphne is a little surprised to be sorted into slytherin. she had thought herself a bit more like her ravenclaw mother than her slytherin father, but she fits easily into the ranks. daphne attaches herself to pansy parkinson within the first few weeks of their first year. pansy is a bigot and a bully and a pureblood, and daphne knows immediately she wants to behind her and not in her way.

daphne makes friends and she gets good grades, but she’s never the center of attention, and that’s the way she likes it. it’s much easier to get away with breaking rules when people are paying more attention to the troublemakers; and people are much more forgiving when they have a worse example to compare you to.

hogwarts becomes a home away from home for her. she finds a sense of peace and simple joy there that she just doesn’t have at home. she loves her parents, she truly does, but that doesn’t mean they were truly good parents. her mother’s presence feels almost crushing sometimes; like her expectations have a physical weight and they’ve perched themselves right on daphne’s lungs and when she fails it feels like she can’t breathe. no one looks at her like they’re waiting for her to fail at hogwarts.

that peace is shattered by voldemort’s return. she watches the people around her change; sees the way the pressure warps and twists them, the way some of them just crack and chip away. suddenly it feels like everyone is watching everyone all the time; constantly on a knife’s edge. she knows what side she’s supposed to be on, but she can’t help but just want it all to end, no matter who wins.

daphne tries to be the sturdy one. she tries to be there for people, do whatever little thing she can for them. sit with them, talk with them, bring them tea, steal sweets from the kitchens. she knows how the rest of the school has started to feel about slytherins - even the ones who don’t deserve it. if no one else will be here for them, she’ll do it all herself.

Post Hogwarts

daphne is exhausted and the world around her is in shambles. she tries to be there for her family and for her friends - for the ones that are left, as they try to put the pieces back together. it doesn’t feel like enough. she doesn’t feel the same anymore. she can’t imagine how the others must feel. the ones who were truly in the middle of it.

she finds happiness in the brief moments she can spend alone with her girlfriend, just the two of them, peaceful and quiet. her mother tells her it’s about time she end her little fling, and daphne’s heart sinks to the floor. her mother reminds her that she must have known this relationship wouldn’t last long. her girlfriend was a half-blood, after all, and not fit for marriage. daphne does as she’s told. her girlfriend doesn’t understand, and daphne can’t blame her.

she sinks into a deep depression after the messy end of her relationship, and finds that she can’t stand to be alone with her thoughts - or with her mother. she starts making anonymous donations to charities and to projects to help rebuild. she throws herself back into learning languages and reading books. she avoids the world.

it’s astoria’s announcement of her engagement to draco that shakes daphne out of her daze. she has a few mixed emotions. it feels a little odd to see her sister engaged to her old crush; it feels a bit painful to see her sister engaged at all, after the end of her relationship. but more than anything … astoria didn’t tell her. all of their lives they had trusted each other with everything, and yet her baby sister hadn’t told her she was going to be engaged? for a moment, she’s angry. and then she realizes that it’s her fault. she’d been pushing her sister away without even realizing it.

daphne puts all of her energy into working through her depression after that. she’s determined to be there for her sister, come hell or high water. she reappears in the social scene, starts to go out with friends again, and ignores her mother a little less.

she’s introduced to her future husband not too long after her sister’s engagement, and they attend the wedding together. astoria doesn’t like him much, but daphne thinks he’s tolerable, and their mother seems very keen that they date. daphne regrets not taking her sister’s doubts more seriously, looking back on it.

daphne is a reluctant and miserable housewife for the course of their marriage. the birth of their daughter brightens her life; she loves being a mother. but she only hates her husband more.

the day her divorce was finalized she used her wand to send up fireworks in the street and laughed like she hadn’t laughed in years. she was free, and goddamnit, she was going to be happy.

she loves her work, and she loves her daughter. being a single working mother suits her far better than being a married housewife ever did. she’s happier than she’s ever been in her life … and then her sister falls ill, and daphne wonders if the sky will ever stop crashing down on her.

Current

daphne only really has one priority these days, and that priority is her family’s well-being.

daphne tries not to worry cynthia. she’s only a child, after all. she should be enjoying her time at hogwarts, not weighed down by tragedy. she knows she can’t keep cynthia completely in the dark; she’s a smart kid, and she’s very close to her cousin. still, daphne can ease her mind with sugar coated words and gentle promises … even if they so often taste like bitter lies.

whenever daphne has the time to read, she spends it pouring over anything and everything that might possibly help her sister. her reputation and skill set gives her access to a lot of unusual material, and she hopes one day it will help her dear sister.

she spends a lot of time with her daughter and with scorpius, always happy to look after her nephew or offer a helping hand to her sister and her husband. she loves scorpius as much as she loves her own daughter, and she’s promised her sister she would look after him.

she’s also promised to look after draco, and that’s proving much more of a challenge. she worries about him getting into trouble, crossing the wrong line, catching the wrong person’s attention. she wants to protect him, like she promised she would, but at the same time - how could she ever ask him to take a step back? she’s as desperate to cure her sister as he is; but she doesn’t want to lose him in the process, either.

Plots

i would love for daphne’s talents as a translator to come in handy for a plot, or plots. it’s an interesting passion of hers, and i love the idea of people coming to her to translate old writing, or ancient inscriptions, or people or magical beings.

daphne was the absolute mom of slytherin, but she also dropped off the map for awhile after the war. i would love to have her reconnect with old friends, or at least try to. bonus points if daphne still gets to mother them.

give me messy, complicated relationships please. romantic and platonic. i’m here for that shit.

potentially interested in the absolute panic of daphne being temporarily infected but we’ll see how things go.

daphne’s got a lot of money to throw around and i like the idea of someone approaching her to invest in something - some kind of charity, big event, business. they would need to win her over, of course, but it’d be interesting to have daphne really show her social/business/money skills.

daphne’s wanted to have more kids ever since she had cynthia, so that might come up at some point. whether she goes through with it, and how she goes about it, would depend entirely on how things end up happening in the roleplay.

Other

usually i have a pinterest board read before hand but it’s 2 am right now and i need to crash, so here is where the pinterest board will be. hopefully i put some stuff in it before y'all see it but if not … i’ll link it again later or something.

#urinfected

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3laalhuda · 4 years

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Pandemic

In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual.

Galileo Galilei

We live in amazing times! The world is put into quarantine, and fear and panic are being actively instilled into every mind through mass media and government activities. Yet, every person with a scientific background is scratching their head in bewilderment, because the cause of this 'pandemic' (the coronavirus) cannot be a real threat to humanity. In fact, it is not strong enough to be of any threat. Most deaths, assigned to this virus, are dubious to say the least: these are largely elderly people, who were ready to die anyway from a pre-existing chronic health condition, such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease and autoimmune illness. Many (if not the majority) of these people did not have any specific tests proving that they died from coronavirus; it was simply assumed that they died from this virus based on their symptoms. It is quite common for a gravely ill person to finally succumb to a common cold, flu or pneumonia, because their immune system is not working well and the body is naturally winding down. Everybody dies eventually, death is a fact of life, and there is a typical daily death toll around the world, fluctuating up and down with seasons. If one took all deaths, that happened in a particular hospital in one month, and blamed them all on a virus, then we can 'create' any pandemic.

What about young people and children? Healthy people without chronic health problems, if infected with coronavirus, have either no symptoms at all or go through ordinary symptoms of a common cold. Unfortunately, many young and middle-aged people in the modern world live on processed and low-fat foods, which undermine their immune systems. That is why we have some statistics of younger and middle- aged people getting seriously ill, because these people damage their health daily by their food choices. But these statistics to not amount to anything out of the ordinary; they are the same as any statistic of people dying every winter from common colds and flu. When it comes to older people, apart from poor diet, there is another factor to remember: majority of them are taking statin drugs to reduce their blood cholesterol levels. Statins make human immune system disabled, so it cannot deal with any infection properly.

Testing for viruses is expensive and not common. It is not clear what tests have been used in all the claims of 'coronavirus deaths', so we cannot say with absolute certainty what exactly caused those deaths. But, leaving all that aside, the numbers of people getting seriously ill or even dying do not justify the worldwide panic and hysteria we all find ourselves in the midst of. It is completely out of proportion! Has the whole world lost its sanity? The fear is palpable everywhere, particularly in any mass media outlet.

History shows that the biggest enemy of humanity is not a virus, or a bacterium, or any other microbe. Our biggest enemy is FEAR! Fear destroys our immune system, creates chronic illnesses in the body, destroys our relationships with other people and scares us away from Mother Nature. In short: fear destroys our lives! This 'pandemic' is one of the biggest exercises in mass fear whipped up in recent times, and it is bewildering just how successful it is!

There is no such thing as free media, all media is tightly controlled by those in power. Try to put yourself in their position: if you were in charge of a large population of people and you wanted them to behave a certain way, wouldn't you control media first and foremost? Of course, you would! Ruling people is impossible without controlling their minds. Every king, every emperor, every dictator and every government, worth their salt, have known this for millennia. The real facts about coronavirus are completely out of proportion with the mass hysteria, the pandemic of panic and fear created by the world media. Who is ordering the media to do this? Why are they doing this? What is the real agenda behind the coronavirus? These are the questions many people are asking.

Perhaps it is time for us to re-read Harry Potter by J. K. Rolling. If you only watched the films, please read the books, as films can never give full justice to the books. If reading is not to your liking, I invite you to listen to the audiobooks, recorded beautifully by a British actor Stephen Fry. J. K. Rolling has given a good description of what mass fear does to humans. The whole 'coronavirus pandemic' looks like a smoke screen. What real action is happening behind that screen, something we are not supposed to know? There are many opinions and conspiracy theories flying around, proposing different scenarios for that real action. Is there a 'you know who' or 'Voldemort' there, busy with his evil plans? Perhaps, there are several Voldemorts with their entourage of 'death eaters'? What are they up to? It may become clear at some point, but at the moment there is something more important for us to understand. Albert Einstein has observed with great sadness what was happening in Germany during the second world war. The atrocities of that war demonstrated clearly what frightened humans are capable off, and how easily they are manipulated. He summed it up with a phrase, that has become a famous quote: 'He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.' Let us start thinking for ourselves, as the real truth always exists at grass roots, in the 'humble reasoning of a single individual'. 'Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.' - states another quote by Albert Einstein. Perhaps, it is time for us to stop obeying blindly and to start using our minds and our hearts? And, perhaps, we should teach our children to do the same?

So, what should we do at this bewildering time? Here is what I suggest.

Stop eating foods which destroy your immune system! These foods are: breakfast cereals, conventional bread, sugar, pasta, everything else made from flour and sugar, vegetable oils and everything cooked with them, Western soy products, all soft drinks and beer, all processed 'foods' and snacks, butter replacements, margarine and all low-fat 'foods', all pre-prepared and take away meals, all food additives and E-numbers. Instead, eat fresh eggs cooked in animal fat, bacon, fatty meats, oily fish, freshly prepared vegetables, liver pate and liver cooked any other way, other organs of animals (kidneys, tongue, tripe, lungs, brains). Make meat stock at home from gelatinous meats (feet, necks, heads, offcuts, skin, bones, joints, tails and other less-expensive parts of animals and birds). Make soups with this stock and eat all the meats on the bone, including the bone marrow. Make kefir, yogurt, sour cream and cottage cheese from raw organic milk. Eat plenty of raw organic butter and sour cream. If you cannot get raw milk, buy high-fat traditional cheeses, sour cream and natural butter. Make sure that every meal is rich in animal fats (beef, pork, lamb, duck, goose, chicken fat, butter and ghee). Eat fermented foods. Cook your food at home from fresh ingredients. These foods will keep your immune system so powerful and robust, that you will be able to forget about any infection and enjoy your life.

Stop washing your hands with antiseptic and sterilising lotions and potions! You are damaging your bodily microbial community, which is your most fateful ally against any infection! Instead get some soil on your hands! Dig up that useless lawn in front of your house and start growing vegetables and medicinal herbs. Lawns have become important contributors to the damage we, humans, are doing to our planet. Start taking part in reversing that damage! Get in contact with animals: cats, dogs, horses, cows, goats, etc. They are wonderful at maintaining a strong immune system in us, humans. And they are wonderful at taking us out of fear and into love!

Stop wearing a mask! It is not protecting you from anything! In fact, it is accumulating large amounts of microbes and creating a perfect moist environment for them to proliferate. Pathogenic microbes, growing on your mask, produce toxic gases, which you are breathing in. instead, spend more time outside in the sunshine, working in your garden. The beautiful spring has started! It is time to plant, to create new life. If you live in a city, get up to the rooftop of your building and create a roof top garden. There is plenty of know-how for creating such gardens (online and in books). Working outside with soil and plants will lift your spirit, strengthen your immunity, fill your blood with oxygen (which destroys any infection) and fill you with love instead of fear. And it will make your nose, sinuses and throat produce lots of virus-destroying mucous. Keep blowing your nose and clearing your throat, while working in the garden. Through mucous production your upper breathing passages clean themselves up (removing toxins, pollution and microbes), making you much healthier in the process.

Stop hiding indoors!The quarantine, imposed upon us, has given us a perfect opportunity to commune with soil, sunshine, fresh outside air and other humans in our households. Communing and sharing with other human beings is the biggest privilege of our lives! In 'normal' times we often don't have time for this privilege, because we are too busy working, earning, etc. Working together in the fresh air and in the sunlight with your loved ones is a joy! They are not going to infect you with anything dangerous. Instead, infect each other with laughter, enthusiasm, positivity and sense of humour!

And finally, do not allow fear into your life! Fear is nobody's friend! Instead, fill your life with kindness, gratitude and love. Just look at Nature: the infinite perfection of every leaf, every blade of grass, every hair on your cat, every feather on a bird and everything in a human body could only have been created out of energy of Love.

Become a carrier of this energy, an agent of this energy for yourself and everyone around you, and your life will transform! Where Love rules, there can be no fear, no hysteria and no panic pandemic.

Legal disclaimer: this blog is not a call for civil disobedience. I have expressed my personal opinion in this text, and invite the reader to think for themselves.

Find out more about the GAPS book and where to buy it

Find out more about the Heart book and where to buy it

Find out more about the GAPS Stories book and where to buy it

Find out more about the Vegetarianism Explained book and where to buy it

2018 Certified GAPS™ Practitioner (CGP) Training - Find out more

Latest from the blog...

The Panic Pandemic

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lilypad-make · 4 years

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BNHA Fanfic Recs

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https://archiveofourown.org/works/11366700/chapters/25444890

“It was fun being with you, um, Kouta, right? I’ll see you at the camp.”

Once she was on the bus and out of sight he came to his senses and ran over to his aunt. It’s a spur of the moment desire that makes him want to take the bus to the camp. He doesn’t know why, he just knows he wants on that bus before it leaves.

“Mandalay! Let me ride the bus to the camp,” Kouta demanded, pointing at the bus that Izuku and Eri were boarding. “Er, please?”

Shino, suspicious of the sudden politeness in the way he’s asking, narrowed her eyes. “Why?”

“I… I don’t know. Just let me ride the bus this once. Come on,” Kouta pleaded, anxiously shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20508056

10-year-old Izuku doesn’t know what he’s done to gain All Might’s attention, but he’s definitely not complaining. Or: All Might travels back in time, and he’s not about to make the same mistakes again.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20226478

How Class 1-A functions in the morning. Especially the runners.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21339058

5+1 of Aizawa and his several unruly adopted children, all of whom seem to enjoy giving him grey hair.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20593823

A little more than a year has passed since Izuku first put a foot in UA.

Aizawa Shouta has a white streak in his hair by now.

Those two facts are related.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21336418

Bakugou writes a letter of apology for telling Midoriya to kill himself. [Oneshot]

Wow , it was fic i never knew i needed until I read . It was really sweet.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13392627

Izuku Midoriya is an exemplary hero, but even he cannot carry the weight he's been handed alone. So maybe, it's time to share the load.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21256964#comments

Izuku has been having a hard time recently.

Thankfully, a certain someone helps him feel better.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21348097

Izuku's words were printed on his wrist in loopy, delicate writing.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21327079

"Sorry." he squirmed under their gazes “I can’t.” “Why not?” he looked to the tall blond then to the kids “Cuz… All Might said no?” They stared for a second before Kacchan burst out laughing “Your imaginary friend? You really still believe it?” The other kids were laughing too. He wanted the ground to open so he could hide on it. He told Kacchan about All Might before and even tried to point him, but Kacchan could not see him beside mama. And they couldn’t see him beside them either.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21327400

In which Izuku procrastinates on his homework because there's a super rare Bronze Age All Might figurine on an auction site, and he just has to have it.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21190898

It started, as it always seemed to, on what was supposed to be a pleasant day.

---

A Christmas shopping attempt gone wrong, Aizawa and Midoriya have to survive a strange nightmare quirk, all while trying to work out how to get out of there alive. Aizawa is injured, Midoriya is panicked. It's less a question of what could go wrong, but more what could go right.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21122252

Midoriya was pretty short, so he is often overlooked in size and build compared to several of their classmates. But he certainly has put on muscle since school started.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21074648

The first mark Izuku gets is a slight brush of green across his temple. It’s the soft touch of a mother holding her son for the first time. Inko has one to match, the same shade of green staining the tips of her fingers. Hers is more noticeable; Izuku’s tends to blend into his hairline. He loves it anyways. He has to. It’s the only soulmate mark he has. (Or: how Izuku goes from just green to a rainbow, UA-style.)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21066122

Deku responds to a Hero's SOS alert with his mentor, and it all goes wrong.

Mind control is not fun.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20960540/chapters/49836386

Hisashi Midoriya's life is on a steep decline when he received the news that his (now separated) wife has died in a villain attack, leaving him to rush back to Japan from the U.S. Putting your life back on track isn't easy, and Hisashi shouldn't have to do it alone. It takes nerve to step out from the underground, and ask for help. But he'd do it-- anything-- for Izuku.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20854136

Aizawa bit back a curse – he should have caught this sooner. His own arms still ached occasionally from being broken at the USJ, and that had only been once. Midoriya had broken his arms how many times now? At least five times, and each of them had been ugly, complex fractures that spanned from his shoulder to the delicate bones in his hands. _ or: midoriya has chronic pain, and tries to hide it. aizawa deals with this, and learns something surprising along the way.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20967203

Deku vs. Muscular, from Kota's POV.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21405049

“Hello All Might. We have your son. He is alive, for now. By the time you receive this message, Izuku here will be buried alive. You have 6 hours before he runs out of air, maybe less. If you ever want to see him again, you will send us the ransom money to a secure account, details will be provided in the following text. Once we have received the money, we will give you the coordinates to where your son is buried. There will be no further communications.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18796387/chapters/44597800

Toshinori is given the opportunity to undo over two decades of suffering by going back in time and ending All For One. And that’s just the beginning. He goes on to use his knowledge of the future to correct errors of the past, and makes his new reality infinitely better than the one he came from. Better in every way but one.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20916095/chapters/49723406

Izuku is known as Deku online. He's an analyst of quirks, sometimes even working with the local detective, Tsukauchi, on a case.

He meets new friends, builds a few relationships, and slowly crushes on his best friend. But then he's thrown into the General Studies Course at U.A.

It doesn't help that All for One is showing an interest in him at all.

Luckily Aizawa and Yagi will watch out for him.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21298550

One unassuming autumn afternoon, sandwich deliverer Izuku meets Ochako Uraraka, a notable young sidekick in the rescue hero scene. With her gracious attitude and infectious smile, he finds himself more than a little smitten. But after eighteen years of self-doubt and loneliness, he struggles to imagine a reality where anything good can come of pursuing her. Fortunately, Ochako turns out to be a force of nature he never could have anticipated.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21449401

“I almost always have bruises.” “Even when you dream?” “Probably.” “What do you mean ‘probably’?” “I mean, I usually don’t remember the parts of my dreams that hurt.” “Oh, so you’ll just forget this entire thing ever happened, then?” “Nope. I just tend to forget the parts that hurt,”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13816197/chapters/33193971#workskin

One may think that Inko’s troubles began when she opened her apartment door and found Izuku cheerfully asking her if they could let All Might stay with them just for a few days, since his apartment was “temporarily inhabitable”. Or that they really started when she noticed that All Might was already there, a suitcase in his hands and an apologetic smile on his face. Or when she realized that with just for a few days Izuku meant more or less the whole holidays and with being “temporarily inhabitable” they actually meant that the young family living in the same building just discovered their toddler had a very peculiar, resilent and especially poisonous quirk which had forced local authorities to isolate and quarantine the whole place for the time being.

But while that was undoubtedly the beginning of the relatively awkward cohabitation that followed, it wasn’t the real start of Inko’s troubles. She wasn’t the kind of person who could let anyone, and especially All Might, spend all his holidays alone in a hotel room.

No, her troubles definitely began when she actually started wishing that All Might was spending his holidays alone in a hotel room. Alone with her.

toshinko pairing BUT THIS IS SO HILARIOUS OH MY GODS

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12085710/1/Just-another-night

Setting Toshinori and Inko up for a date was not enough for the kids of Class 1-A. They also want to see how the evening turns out. Following the pair is the logical consequence - or at least that's what they tell themselves. (Sequel to "New Management" by blacknovelist55)

THIS IS SO SWEET AND FLUFFY AND I’m going to die of cavities at this rate .

Hope you all enjoy reading the fanfictions !!

#bnha fanfic recs #boku no hero academia fic rec #boku no hero academia #bnha fanfiction #bnha

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pacificwanderer · 5 years

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Got any advice for a girl who has 3 younger fanbro brothers who proclaim they will not be watching TROS in theaters? When I told my brothers the title, two of them groaned and said, yuck, seriously? And, my 21 year old brother, who really doesn't care about romance in action movies, always rolls his eyes when I bring up Reylo, and said the trailer reinforced his dislike for the ST actors. I know I shouldn't care what they think, but I do. I keep thinking I have to prove myself as a SW fan.

Hey Nonnie!

This is a really great questions :) I’ve been a fan since I was very young and it was something that I largely enjoyed on my own (family wasn’t much into it, though my aunt did make us watch Space Balls one time, so LOL I’ve got that, I guess?), so my experience will be a little different, but I’ll do my best. NGL, my first impulse was to type out “YOU DON’T OWE SHIT TO NOBODY NOHOW” but that’s not really helpful and, to be honest, it’s really a concept that I learned with age and experience because, for much of my life, I’ve also felt like I had to prove myself or justify my interests to others, esp when someone was choosing to criticize them. Also, this is a pretty common and normal feeling inside of fandom and in life, so you’re definitely not alone :)

It almost felt like it was a judgment on me. Somehow, I was doing something wrong by liking whatever thing I felt I needed to justify, so I needed to explain myself so that they could understand why I liked the thing because I didn’t like to feel like I was doing something wrong by liking it. I didn’t want them to reject me or think less of me because of my interests. But, as I’ve dealt with more of this kind of thing over time, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay for them to not give a shit about the things that I like and that I don’t owe them my time or a justification. I’m not wrong for liking SW just like they’re not really wrong for disliking it. It’s just the way it is in life. And, honestly, once the movie comes around, they might change their tune anyways because I have a feeling it’s going to be epic.

If I like something, it’s right for me because it’s right for me. Doesn’t mean that will be the case for anyone else, but it also doesn’t mean that I have to convert them or bring them over to my POV. The best thing for me was to find people who shared my interests and talk with them about how much I love the thing. For me, that was getting started in online fandom. I was also really lucky to find a group of friends outside of the fandom who are really supportive and patiently listen to my Reylo and Star Wars rants. I’ve also gotten more confident with my likes and interests over time, which really is just me becoming more confident as a person. The older I get, the less I give a shit about what other people say about things that ultimately don’t matter (like fandom). It’s supposed to be fun and I do my best to seek out the people and opportunities that are enjoyable to me :) Again, that’s after a lot of years of feeling lesser than, or like I needed to hide my hobbies, but now I just dgaf lol.

Another thing to remember is that peer pressure and influence from others is a real thing and some people feel the need to fall in line, or hate on things that “everyone” else hates on just because they don’t want to feel like they’re not part of the group (and, boy, is that group loud on the internet, even if they are small). So, it could be that they’re feeling outward pressure to hide their own interests and preferences (not saying that’s definitely the case, but it can be part of the reason). It happened with the PT too, where you get people who aren’t even into SW weighing in on how “terrible” the movies are. Because SW is so ubiquitous, everyone has an opinion on it, so there’s always going to be plenty of conflict in the fandom because not only do you have generations of people growing up and loving different facets of this series, you have people who think that a viable personality trait is hating on Star Wars (it’s not, they’re boring, and I’ve learned to just ignore them and enjoy with part of the fandom that is good for me). It takes a lot of guts to be open with your likes and hobbies and not many people feel comfortable with making themselves vulnerable like that. I know it was a challenge for me growing up because it stings to hear shit like “that fucking sucks,” or “what’s wrong with you [for liking that]” or “Isn’t that a boy thing?” But, again, it’s a reflection on them, not me. Mostly, I think people are jealous that they can’t openly like the things they like because they’re afraid of criticism. Which sucks.

I wish we were more encouraging about interests instead of always making fun of people for being “too excited,” or “childish.” This would would be a more magical place if people could take themselves outside of their own experiences, fears, and insecurities, and realize that we’re all just stumbling along together, trying to get by, on this crazy rock that’s hurtling through space. People also get a lot more traction by talking about what they hate because it gets a rise out of others. Look at youtube or twitter. That shit is toxic as fuck (and this place can be too) with people continually focusing on shit that they say they “hate” but are actually obsessed with (and probably secretly enjoy, which I’m sure pisses them off, hence the overcompensating with hate to PROVE to themselves that they really do hate it--Gee, reminds me of a certain character, to be honest lol).

Also, it’s okay if people don’t like Star Wars or don’t like the new movies or Reylo. It’s fine. As long as they’re not being mean about it. There are plenty of things that I just can’t stand, but I stay out of it lol. And, well, some people are just gonna be jerks about it and that’s a reflection of them and their current state of being. If they enjoy making other people feel shitty about the things that they like, then I imagine their own state of being isn’t that great. Now, with brothers, I’m sure the dynamic is different (I don’t have any brothers, but I grew up around farm boys, so I got some of the dynamic, but living with people makes things a bit more challenging). So it might just be a family thing where you’re getting pushback because you’re a family member. Family sure is like that sometimes.

I’m going to stop myself from going on a rant talking about how Star Wars, while it has action elements, isn’t an action movie and people who have that expectation for the series are always going to be disappointed (it’s a space opera), but it’s also good to remember that some people just don’t understand romance, and maybe they don’t like it. And that’s okay. People are entitled to their own opinions and interests and, as long as they’re not starting fights over it, I’d just move on.

You have every right to enjoy Star Wars just however you see fit. You don’t owe it to anyone else to justify or explain your preferences. Whether you’re deep into it, or just like the aesthetic, or want romance or Reylo, or like the ships, whatever, it’s all valid.

Is there something about SW that you all like that you can share if you’re looking for a way to bridge the gap? I’d avoid topics that you’re never going to agree on, but maybe if you’re looking to have conversations with your bros about SW, talk to them about the things you enjoy that you have in common. Or, if they’re picking at the ST, just ignore the bait. IT’S HARD and I hATE IT because I want to rub people’s faces in how wrong they are, but I also have to take a step back and remind myself that it’s fake and in space lol.

In summary, you never, ever, ever, ever, ever have to justify yourself as a SW fan or with anything else out there. Ever. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that, but with time and practice, it gets easier, I promise. Take it from a chronic over-explainer lol. You are good and valid and wonderful just the way you are and in whatever way you enjoy this series. No matter what anyone else says or implies. Star Wars is for everyone, and anyone that implies otherwise never understood the series to begin with.

AND if you read all this and think it’s shit and you have a better way to deal with it HAHA I’m fine with that. These are my personal experiences and thoughts on the matter, and what’s right for me isn’t going to be right for everyone, nor do we all follow the same path in life :) Hope this helps, at least so you know that you’re not alone and I’m cheering for you!

Take care, Nonnie! And MTFBWY!

#personal #fandom experiences #family angst #asks and answers #anonymous asks #ask pacificwanderer #advice #Anonymous

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kennyrobots · 3 years

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from an interlude called online dating, part 2a: dancing in the dark

(...i changed the fucking title of this thing. after noticing that i misremembered it, i couldn’t unsee it.) (also, i took the subtitle for this from the first song that came up in my youtube music “my supermix”...mix. (ugh.) you gotta admit that it’s kindasorta provocative - let’s see if it becomes RELEVANT at any point in the below.) (my guess is no.) alrighty. so when i read the first woman’s comment on her profile, i was immediately struck as to why i’m not doing all that well in the online dating sphere. (y’know - aside from the rampant insanity and chronic oversharing.) (also, even though i’m not as ugly as i used to be, i’m still kinda ugly. I’VE LONG MADE PEACE WITH THIS - kinda the reason i even bothered to develop my personality in the first place. granted, i probably OVERdeveloped it, but still - i knew from a young age that i was not going to compete in any meaningful way on looks alone, so.) (wasn’t great, growing up to that realization, but again - I’VE MADE PEACE WITH IT. besides the ugly dude society’s still accepting my dues, so i’m straight.) (...) (...) (...) (..nothing. just...memories.) (i’m glad i learned how to laugh at myself, is all i’ll say about that.) ANYWAY. i read that comment, and it occurred to me that ONE of the reasons i’m not doing all that well is that (and granted, this is a VERY large and overly generalized brush i’m painting with, but) i don’t think a majority of people truly enter the online dating arena fully knowing what THEY want out of it. ...i mean, DUH, right? “thanks for the observation, captain obvious. would you also like to tell us that people lie their asses off on their profiles, while you’re at it?” here’s what i mean: this particular woman chose “new friends” and “long-term dating” as her looking-for options, and given her comment, i think that the “long-term dating” bit is not currently congruous to her current state of mind. (aside: OBVIOUSLY i don’t know her state of mind - for all i know, she could actually be seriously looking for a long-term partner, and just threw that up there to chase off those fly-by-night niggas that are only looking for a quick fuck. i’ll grant you that. i’ll only say that 1) i’m taking her words at face value here, and am simply entertaining myself by deriving intent from it, and 2) she actually put her version of the “no fuckboys or couples looking for threesomes need apply” right before the excerpted part, so although i’m probably wrong, i’m also probably not THAT wrong.) simply put: i do not think she’s actually ready for a long-term relationship, like she claims to want, because she hasn’t moved on from whatever issues that may have arisen as a result of the past one that ended. (i almost put “trauma” in place of “issues”, but again - i wasn’t in that relationship, i’m not privy to the details, so it would be presumptuous for me to assume that it was traumatic in any way. no - all of my presumption is limited to putting her words on this here tumblr, and subsequently pulling words out of my ass in the name of “commentary”.) (we have fun here.) and my guess on this is because about a year ago, i was in the same exact situation myself. and the moment of clarity that comes from hindsight is a BITCH. because i’m slightly uncomfortable with speculating on the private lives of others, i’m going to leave any specific reference of her in the background moving forward, and just comment on it in a more general sense. (along with any other commentary that’s me-specific, of course.) i think that the number of people who jump onto these dating sites, looking for “something real” without actually understanding that, deep down, they probably DON’T actually want that specifically, is higher than any of us realize. (i could probably tell you the exact number, but those cowards over at OKC won’t give me access to their database. i actually had a thought about this earlier as well: whlie i do want a relationship - kinda the whole point i’m on OKC in the first place - i think i’d probably be happier with complete and total access to OKC’s database, so that i can dig into what people are actually doing and saying to each other myself.) (that’s almost a fucked-up thing to admit, but the fact that i’m admiting it means that it’s probably true.*) (god, i hope that my future wife never reads this. then again, it would be shit like this that endears me to her, so i’m kinda stuck, as you can tell.) (”well, maybe she agrees to marry you IN SPITE of all of this.” pfft - FAKE NEWS. no woman in her right god damn mind would read all of this, be uncomfortable and/or offended by it, and STILL say to herself, “yeah - i’m okay with laying down and becoming unconscious next to this every night”.) (c’mon, y’all, i expect a LITTLE better from you.) just a complete, uneducated, pulled-out-of-my-ass guess, but i’m guessing that most folks are just looking to not be alone, not necessarily be in a relationship that takes actual work. they want attention, not a deep bond with someone who could just as easily piss you off as they can make you feel like the most special person in the world, sometimes within the same exact moment. (and yes - i realize that this is all basically scattered across the dating advice/psychology internet. i’m not reinventing any type of wheel here. i’m just giving you my thoughts on this, mostly because i’m too lazy to actually look up the citations, which is funny, because i was a history major.) they’re “not ready to get into a relationship”, but are “open to meeting the right person”, in the same sense that i’m “open to being given a million dollars”. we’ll both gladly accept it, if it (quite improbably) happens, but neither of us are actually willing to put the WORK into it for it to actually happen. (mostly because i lack ambition. or at least, the RIGHT kind of ambition. oh, don’t worry - we touch on that later.) and this is (a part of) why a lot of us aren’t all that successful at this (y’know - aside from all the OTHER extenuating reasons, of course). we see this person, we see that they say that they want a long-term relationship, but even if it isn’t made as explicit as this young lady, we still encounter their wall - we reach out to them with what we’d assume is the best of intentions (and yes, maybe i’m naive for assuming that most people on these things are trying to play this thing as straight as possible, and i know that i am a cynical-ass motherfucker, but even *I* can’t be THAT goddamn cynical), taking at face value that they want the same thing we want: a relationship, and the person is...”justified”, for lack of a better term, to simply brush that person off, “because they’re not the right person that can thread the incredibly small needle that i’ve allowed into my heart, because i’m still dealing with other things that i don’t want to deal with, but i HAVE to put myself out there and move on, because i HAVE TO, right?” (y’know, one year later, i STILL feel somewhat guilty for telling that nice young lady that i went out with that i was withdrawing from the dating game. i could tell she was more than a little interested in me, and trust me - i know how much being rejected fucking SUCKS. i honestly never thought that i’d ever be on the other side of that, but life really does have a way of fucking with you.) (i know she won’t ever read this, but patricia: i really am sorry, and i really do hope that you’ve found someone good for you, and that you’ve completely forgotten about me. you just met me at the worst possible time, and if i could take it back and never send you that first message when i knew i shouldn’t have, i absolutely would.) (yes, that is self-serving. all apologies are self-serving - otherwise, they wouldn’t need to exist.) (fucking fuck. we’re going to a part three.) *so, i wrote this bit about a week ago, before i had...well, let’s call it “an improvement in my personal life”. (again - i’m trying my best to refrain from commenting on any ongoing situations, mostly due to consent reasons, but yeah - it’s pretty much what you think it is. i mean, at this current moment, the ENTIRE EXISTENCE of this tumblr’s pretty much dedicated to that thing that you absolutely know it is, but i apparently refuse to explictly say it’s about, because reasons.) while i still believe this bit to be true to an extent - i do love delving into data, after all (well, SPECIFIC types of data, anyway) - a database isn’t going to cuddle with me at night, or tell me stories about blind dates gone awry that make me laugh, or even just fill me with warm and happy thoughts as i think about it, for no apparent reason, other than that thinking about it just makes me happy. ...i mean, i suppose it technically COULD do all those things, but you know what i mean. (also, the probability that i want to stick my dick into a machine is pretty much next to zero. AGAIN - NOT TRYING TO KINK-SHAME OR ANYTHING, but y’all niggas wildin’ over there, trying to marry VR wives and shit.) (guys, for real - real women aren’t scary and won’t bite. ...*SIGH* UNLESS YOU’RE INTO THAT SORT OF THING.)

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brokenbutunbowed · 3 years

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It's weird setting up a doctor's appointment when I'm not on the brink of death or on the verge of jumping off a bridge due to pain. Having a hard time wrapping my head around it and set up the appointment online as fast as possible before the guilt kicked in and stopped me.

This year has thrown a lot of things into perspective and also kinda made me realize that, at the young age of 24, I've kinda ended up with a collection of physical and mental illnesses or injuries like I'm fucking collecting trading cards or something. I mean, I've been mentally ill since at least as far back as middle school (depression, anxiety), in chronic pain and partly disabled for over 3 years due to a few accidents, and not to mention the ovarian cysts and hormone problems that my mom and fucking every male doctor ever *never* took seriously back in high school, that haven't stopped in the six years since I graduated. I've suspected PCOS since high school, due to a lot of other things/symptoms/whatever besides just the cysts, and six years later I'm finally going to see a doctor about it who is going to take me seriously and actually help find out whether that's what my problem is or whether it's something else (though I'm very confident that's what it is...).

Since I'm finally being treated somewhat successfully for my back and hip injuries I've been suffering from since my car accident and then slip and fall accident that happened almost back to back 3 years ago, I finally sat down and thought about it and decided I needed to take care of the rest of me before I aged off my mom's insurance and it was too late. Granted, I haven't been to my chiropractor since I got sick almost six weeks ago, but the leaps and bounds it had on my physical and even mental health in a short time before that... I hadn't been that close to being pain free in years. No doctors or physical therapy or specialists or drugs ever helped the way my chiropractor is. It was my last ditch effort to fix myself before I gave up completely and wasted away in misery.

Having covid thanks to an irresponsible coworker and still not having my body capabilities back five and a half weeks later was the last extra nudge in the ass I needed to start taking my body and health seriously. Self care is something I absolutely do not excel at thanks to growing up in a house where every concern both physical and mental I ever had was brushed off (I mean, my mom thought I was making up mental illness in high school to make my abusive step dad look bad and after that I gave up any hope of ever getting help for that from anyone) so this has been a really nerve wracking choice to finally make.

But yeah... I have always been a bit... Fluffy in the body hair department I guess you could say and instead of listening when I tried to tell my mom and doctors in hs I thought it meant something was wrong, I was pretty much just told I was "ugly and unlucky," which... Well. I still have self esteem, self hatred, and body image issues because of that. Honestly the best part of the pandemic has been mask wearing so that I can hide my face and feel slightly better about myself at work since I can't always keep up with keeping the hair gone. I think that's part of the reason I've come to think of myself more as non binary these last few years, though nobody in real life knows that but my girlfriend. Like, I've never fit the standard "girl" stereotypes anyway, don't look very feminine thanks to this, and don't care for the social construct that gender is to begin with so why not cast the female label away. Between the never ending cysts and the hair, along with the fact that I gained some weight after high school (was very very active in hs them not so much in college) and then a bunch more weight after my accidents because I could no longer physically work out... Yeah, I think pcos is not a hard assumption to make at this point after years and years of this trend.

I dunno. I'm rambling. This is the first time in years I've written anything journal-like on Tumblr. We didn't have home internet for the longest time until the beginning of this year and whenever I did write the last few years I just posted it on my private blog database thing instead of here. But I've been active here again for the better part of this year and this isn't exactly stuff I'd share with family and rl friends on like FB or whatever so I guess here I am. First time ever really written something this long on my phone so if there's weird typos, assume that's my phone changing words on me.

I don't really know why I'm even typing this in the first place but I guess I just needed to get it out somewhere. Buuut it's 2:30 in the morning and tomorrow (today) is my last day until I'm back to work since November (very part time and with very limited activity since I still haven't gained back the muscles covid took from me) which means I should probably try and sleep and at least slightly fix my sleep schedule. My doctor's appt is two weeks from today, was the earliest I could get in but it gives me time to continue processing this idea of help and calming my anxiety so I don't go in there a fucking mess and ruin everything.

#personaljournalposts #wow long time since I've used that tag #not that it matters because I'm using an ancient version of mobile and can't see my list of tags on my page but whatever #hello Tumblr I'm back on my bullshit writing too long personal posts it's been a while #2020 was not the year anybody expected or deserved but I'm trying so very hard to make 2021 better #i never expected to survive covid if i got it so I'm trying to give my body the respect and care it probably deserves after all that #nothing like a brush with death to set you straight and make you wanna get your shit together #time to turn in all my illness and injury trading cards I've collected for a chance at health and happiness yeah?

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maximelebled · 6 years

Text

2017

Howdy! Time for the yearly blog post! There's enough depressing stuff that happened this year, so I want to try and not focus too much on that; talk more about the positive and the personal. (I am looking back on this opening paragraph after writing everything else, and I don’t think that ended up true.)

I find it increasingly harder to just straight up talk about things, especially in a direct manner. I think it comes from continuing to realize that so many things are extremely subjective and everything has so much nuance to it that I feel really uncomfortable saying a straight "yes" or a straight "no" to a lot of questions ("Nazis are bad" is not one, though). Or even just a straight answer.

I always end up wanting to go into tangents, and I inevitably run into not being able to phrase that nuance. You know that feeling, when you know something, you have the thought in your head; it is so clear, right there in your head, it is crystal-clear to your soul, yet you have no idea how to word it, let alone doing so in 140/280/500 characters. Frustrating!

I guess I could just put a big disclaimer here, "I am not a paragon of absolute truth and don't start interpreting my words as 'Max thinks he is the authority on XYZ' because you'd be quite foolish to do so"; but that doesn't help that much. Online discourse, let alone presence, can be so tiresome these days; not to be too Captain Obvious, but, there are quite a lot of people that delight in engaging those they see as their "opponents" in bad faith.

As a white man, I don't have it that bad, but still, I'll continue to tell you one thing: the block button is extremely good and you should feel no shame in using it. It drastically improves your online experience. (There are some very clear signs that make me instantly slam the button. I’m sure you know which ones too.)

Anyway, regardless, it's hard to get rid of a habit, especially one you've unwillingly taken on yourself, so I apologize in advance for constantly writing all those "most likely", "probably", "maybe" words, and writing in a style that can come off as annoyingly hesitant sometimes.

I started watching Star Trek this year. My Netflix history tells me: January 29th for TOS/TAS, March 26th for TNG, June 3rd for DS9, November 9th for Voyager.

TOS was really interesting to watch. A lot of things stood out: the (relative) minimalism of the sets and the directing was reminiscent of theater, and even though that was, generally speaking, because that's how TV shows used to be made, it was still striking. From a historical perspective, "fascinating" would still be an ill-suited word to describe it. Seeing that this is where a lot of sci-fi concepts came from, suddenly understanding all the references and nods made everywhere else... it was also soothing to watch a show about mankind having finally united, having exploration and discovery as its sole goal. I feel like it wouldn't have made as big of an impact on me, had I watched it a year prior.

I've always thought of myself as rejecting cynicism, abhorring it, but it's harder and harder to hold on to that as time goes on. I still want to believe in the inner good of mankind, of people in general, but man, it's hard sometimes. I think what really gnaws at me most of the time is how so many of the little bits of good that we can, and are doing, individually, and which do add up... can get struck down or "wasted away" so quickly. The two examples that I have in mind: Bitcoin, this gigantic mess, the least efficient system ever designed by mankind, has already nullified a decade's worth of power savings from the European Union's regulations on energy-efficient light bulbs. And then there's stuff like big prominent YouTubers being, to stay polite, huge irresponsible fools despite the responsibility they have in front of a massive audience of very young people. It can be really depressing to think about the sheer scale of this kind of stuff.

What we can all do on an individual level still matters, of course! I try my best not to use my car, to buy local, reduce my use of plastic, optimize my power usage, etc.; speaking of that, I've often thought about making a small website about teaching the gamer demographic in general quick easy ways to save energy. There is so much misinformation out there, gamers who disable all the power-saving features of their hardware just to get 2 more frames per second in their games, people who overclock so much that they consume 60% more power for 10% more performance, the list goes on. Maybe I'll get around to it some day.

All this stuff going on makes it hard to want to project yourself far ahead in the future. Why plan ahead your retirement in 40 years when it feels like there's a significant chance the world will go to shit by then? It's grim... but it definitely makes me understand the saying "live like there's no tomorrow". Not that I'm gonna become an irresponsible person who burns all their savings on stupid stuff, but for the time being... I don't feel like betting on a better tomorrow, so I might as well save a little bit less for the far future and have a nicer present. You know the stories of American workers who got scammed out of their own 401k? That's, in essence, the kind of stuff I wish to avoid. If that makes sense.

Anyway, going off that long depressing tangent: something I liked a lot across The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager, was how consistent they were. The style of directing, framing, camera movement, etc. was always very similar. Now, you can argue that's just how 80s and 90s TV shows on a budget, a 4:3 aspect ratio, and smaller SD screens worked, yes, but I do believe there is a special consistency that stuck out to me. I jumped into the newest series, Discovery, right after finishing Voyager (I don't plan on watching Enterprise) and the first two episodes were confusing to watch... shaky cam, a lot of traveling shots, shallow depth-of-field, and the tendency to put two characters at the extreme left and right of the frame.It’s a hell of a leap forwards in directing trends. It all gets better after the first two episodes, though.

youtube

I remember alluding to the King of Pain project in my last yearly post. I'm glad I managed to finally do it. I'd talk about it here, but why do it when I've made 70 minutes of video about it? (And unlike my previous behind-the-scenes videos, it's a lot more condensed, and hopefully entertaining.) Unfortunately for me, I completed the video in late June, with only a month left to the TI7 Short Film Contest deadline. So I ended up making two videos back-to-back. I had to buy a new laptop in order to finish the video during my yearly pilgrimage to Seattle. It was intense! And thankfully, I managed to pull off the Hat Trick: winning the contest three years in a row. I would like to think it's a pretty good achievement, but you know how us artists are in general; as soon as we achieve something, we start thinking "eh, it wasn't that good anyway" and we raise our bar higher still.

While I do intend to participate in the contest again next year, I know I'll most likely do something more personal, that would probably be less of a safe bet, now that the pressure of winning 3 in a row is gone. I already have a few ideas lined up...

... and I do have a very interesting project going on right now! If it goes through and I don't miserably land flat on my face (which, unfortunately, has a non-zero chance of happening), you'll see it in about a month from now.

youtube

I'm pretty happy to have reached a million views on all three of my shorts; a million and a half on the TI7 one, too... it might reach two million within six months if it keeps getting views at the current rate. It surprises me a bit that this might end up being my first "big" video, one that keeps getting put on people's sidebar by the all-mighty YouTube™ Algorithm™. There's often a disconnect between what you consider to be your best work, and what ends up being the most popular.

This reminds me that, a lot of the time, I get people who ask me if I'm a streamer or a "YouTuber". My usual answer is that I'm on YouTube, but I'm not a "YouTuber". I wholeheartedly reject that subculture, the cult of personalities, the attempts at parasocial relationships, and all that stuff. It's just not for me. Now, that said, I do hope to achieve 100k subscribers one day... I'm getting closer and closer every day! The little silver trophy for bragging rights would be neat.

My office was renovated by my dad while I was gone. It's much nicer now, and I finally have a place to put most of my Dota memorabilia. He actually sent me this picture I didn't know he'd taken, behind my back, in 2014; the difference is striking... (I think that game I'm playing is Dragon Age: Inquisition.)

Tinnitus. I first noticed my tinnitus when I was 20. I vividly remember the "hold on a second" moment I had in bed... man, if I'd known back then how worse it'd get. Then again, the game was rigged from the start; as a kid, I had frequent ear infections because my canals are weird and small. What didn't help either was the itching; back then, they thought it was mycosis... and treatment for that didn't help at all. Turns out it was psoriasis! Which I also started getting on my right arm that year. (It's eczema, it's itchy, it's chronic, and the treatment steroid cream. Or steroids.) Both conditions got worse since then, too.

Tinnitus becomes truly horrible when you start the doubt the noises you're hearing. When all you have is the impossible-to-describe high-pitched whine, things are, relatively speaking, fine. You know what the noise is, and you learn, you know not to focus on it. But with my tinnitus evolving, new "frequencies", I have, on occasion, started doubting whether I was hearing an actual noise or if it was just my inner ear and brain working in concert to make it up. So I end up thinking about it, actively, and that makes it come back. I had a truly awful week when, during an inner ear infection, the noise got so shrill, so overwhelming, I lost so much sleep over it. I couldn't tune it out anymore. It was like it was at the center of my head and not in my ears anymore. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm not even sure that I'm in the clear yet regarding that. But, like I said, it's best if I don't dwell on it. Thinking of the noise is no bueno.

Really, the human body is bullshit. Here's another example. A couple months ago, I managed to bite the inside of my mouth three separate times. I hate when it happens, not because of the immediate pain, but because I already dread the mouth ulcer / canker sore (not sure which is the appropriate medical translation; the French word is "apthe"). Well, guess what: none of these three incidents had the bite degenerate into an ulcer... but one appeared out of nowhere, in a different spot, two weeks later. And while mouthwash works in the moment, it feels like it never actually helps... it's like I have to wait for my body to realize, after at least ten days, oh yeah, you know what, maybe I should take care of this wound in my mouth over here. And it always waits until it gets quite big. There's no way to nip these goddamn things in the bud when they're just starting.

But really, I feel like I shouldn't really complain? All in all, it could be much worse, so so so much worse. I could have Crohn's disease. I could have cancer. I could have some other horrible rare disease. Localized psoriasis and tinnitus isn't that bad, as far as the life lottery goes. As far as I'm aware, there's nothing hereditary in my family, besides the psoriasis, and the male pattern baldness. I wonder how I'll deal with that one ten, fifteen years down the line...

Just as I'm finishing writing this, the Meltdown & Spectre security flaws have been revealed... spooky stuff, and it makes me glad I still haven't upgraded my desktop PC after five years. I've been meaning to do it because my i7 4770 (non-K) has started being a bit of a bottleneck, that and my motherboard has been a bit defective the whole time (only two RAM slots working). But thankfully I didn't go for it! I guess I will once they fix the fundamental architectural flaws.

The Y2K bug was 18 years late after all.

Here's a non-exhaustive list (because I’m trying to skip most of the very obvious stuff, but also because I forget stuff) of media I enjoyed this year:

Series & movies:

Star Trek (see above)

Travelers

The Expanse

Predestination (2014)

ARQ

Swiss Army Man

Video games:

Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice

Horizon: Zero Dawn

What remains of Edith Finch

Uncharted: Lost Legacy

Wolfenstein II

Super Mario Odyssey

Metroid: Samus Returns

OneShot

Prey

Music:

Cheetah EP by James Hunter USA

VESPERS by Thomas Ferkol

Some older stuff from Demis Roussos and Boney M.... and, I'll admit reluctantly, still the same stuff: Solar Fields, the CBS/Sony Sound Image Series, Himiko Kikuchi, jazz fusion, etc. I'm still just as big a sucker for songs that ooze with atmosphere. (I've been meaning to write some sort of essay on Solar Fields... it's there, floating in my head... but it's that thing I wrote earlier: you know the idea, intimately, but you're not sure how to put it into words. Maybe one day!)

I think that's about it this year. I hope to write about 2018 in better terms!

See you next year.

#year in review

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billion-heartbeats · 4 years

Text

Listen to your body! That’s the only place you can live!

Medicine keeps changing, but not wellbeing!

· Know What’s Normal for You

· To hear what your body is telling you, create some time and space to listen.

· If Something Seems Different, Look It Up.

· symptoms you’re noticing- don’t keep them to yourself. There may be a serious health condition or there may not be. Talk to the doctor

Don't talk yourself into denial. Accept what you feel. Be open to your body. It's always speaking. Be willing to listen. Your body and mind are meant to be a whole. your whole existence is based on feedback loops. Body listens to mind; mind listens to body. Awareness is the link. Make no mistake: Don’t blame your body for not being strong enough, thin enough, tough enough, or just plain not good enough.

Trust your body. The story of your body is, in some respects, universal: both health and illness are a part of all our lives. And our bodies tell the tale - gives a hint or two! If you don’t listen it may be too late!

If Something Seems Different, Look It Up

Now that you’re listening to your body you’re bound to have questions about what’s going on. Once you know what your symptoms might mean, you can use an online health reference. Of course, doing research on your own shouldn’t take the place of your doctor.

Critical illnesses are more common today than ever before. However, they do not develop in a day. Before they turn into something serious, your body gives you small signs such as sudden loss of weight, discomfort in chest, constant fatigue etc. We often ignore these signs, thinking they are too small. It is time to sit up and take notice.

If something feels really off -- like changes in being able to see, talk, walk, think clearly, or communicate, or having chest pain or shortness of breath -- call or visit your doctor! Don't wait to see if you get better. If it's a stroke or heart attack, you need medical care right away. The recovery depends on the golden hour treatment! We get trapped in worry, self-doubt, second-guessing. Delay may lead to a disaster! Give in to gut feeling!

How many steps you take per day?

Put your best foot forward! You can walk yourself to a long life! walking up to 10,000 steps a day, or almost five miles is believed to add 7 yrs. to your life. Another rule of thumb is to exercise 150 minutes per week. “It’s better to be active than inactive.

Is It Aging?

Some pain from wear and tear on your body is natural as you get older or you may notice that you’re not as flexible. The cushion at your joints and between the bones of your spine can start to break down. That could hurt and limit your movement.

Heart burn and Heart attack- symptoms are similar! Let the doctor decide what is what!

Don’t think it is heart burn! Heart burn is Acid peptic disease. It is not serious. But Signs of a heart attack mimic heart burn. Delay may be fatal! Symptoms include intense pain, pressure, squeezing, or feeling of fullness in the centre of the chest that lasts more than a few minutes; pain or discomfort in other areas of the upper body; shortness of breath; cold sweat; nausea; or light-headedness. Get help immediately.

Stroke!

signs of a stroke include facial drooping, arm weakness, difficulty with speech, rapidly developing dizziness and imbalance, sudden numbness or weakness, loss of vision, confusion, or severe headache. Early admission and emergency treatment can restore movements and prevent debilitating paralysis!

Diabetes:

General fatigue, too much thirsty, passing urine too many times, wanting to eat more, sores that don’t heal, loss of weight., unexplained wait gain, Blurred vision, numbness. All need attention!

Diabetes: 77 million Indians living with diabetes- Type-2 diabetes accounts for about 90 to 95 percent. Even when patients are on the cusp of developing diabetes, most don't know it.

Normal - 72 to 99 mg/dL when fasting, 140 mg/dL 2 hours after eating- post prandial.

Prediabetes if your blood sugar is 100 to 125 mg/dL

Diabetes if your blood sugar is 126 mg/dL or higher

Haemoglobin A1c test .

Normal if it’s 5.6% or less

Prediabetes if it’s 5.7 to 6.4%

Diabetes if it’s 6.5% or above

Blood Pressure: 120/80

A silent killer in India that affects young and old alike. 139 million people in India suffer from uncontrolled hypertension, and that number is growing every year. 30% of people who have high blood pressure are not even aware of it.

120/80 - normal blood pressure.

120- 129/80 Elevated

130-139/ 80-89 Stage 1 Hypertension

140 or higher/ 90 or higher Stage 2 hypertension

180 and above/ 120 and above Hypertensive crisis- emergency

Smoking!

10 – cigarettes a day, you die 10 years younger on average than non-smokers.

one-third of all cancer deaths

four out of five lung cancer deaths

four out of five deaths from bronchitis and emphysema

one in four deaths from heart disease

No part of the body is unaffected. Two thousand arms and legs are amputated every year.

Cough that does not go away

The duration of a cough can vary significantly, but longer coughs may be more common than you realize. A cough can clear up in as little as two or three days, but one study found that, on average, a cough due to illness sticks around for 18 days. Conditions like chronic lung disease or asthma, TB, Cancer- all can increase the average duration of a cough symptom.

bloody mucus when you cough

shortness of breath

weight loss

excessive mucus

fever

are significant symptoms and it is important to rule out malignancy.

A New Lump

Whether you’re a woman with a lump in her breast or a young man with a testicular lump, these are good things to get a doctor to check. You really can’t tell what they are, just based on how they feel. They aren’t always cancer, but it’s important to find out about new lumps for sure, and as soon as possible, in case you need treatment.

Liver and Gastro intestinal

Symptoms of stomach or digestive problems include rectal bleeding, blood in the stool or black stools, changes in bowel habits or not being able to control bowels, constipation, diarrhoea, heartburn or acid reflux, or vomiting blood.

Symptoms of bladder

Symptoms of bladder problems include difficult or painful urination, frequent urination, loss of bladder control, blood in urine, waking frequently at night to urinate or wetting the bed at night, or leaking urine.

Your Heart Rate

The rate depends on the age, medications, exercise etc. Normally the heart beat is not felt. If it does it is called Palpitation! You may feel lightheaded or dizzy with a racing, fluttering, or slowed pulse. If it lasts more than a few minutes or happens often, it might be from an illness or heart rhythm problem. Serious chest pain or trouble walking or speaking could mean a heart attack or stroke: Get to a hospital immediately!

Hiccups

· But if they come out of nowhere, are painful and won’t stop, they could be signals of a stroke.

The human body is incredibly adaptable. If you abuse your body’s adaptability, it will do its best to keep you in balance anyway, but there will be a high price to pay over time. Listen to your body and the same adaptability becomes your greatest ally. The intelligence of the human body can’t be nullified. It waits for each person to act as intelligently.

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