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ifyouseekay468 · 3 years

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what do YOU personally think the teenagers (mcr) lyrics are about my friend ? like i keep thinking about them but im not sure im going somewhere

okay, ive answered this ask twice on mobile and each time my phone deleted it, so here I go, the FINAL version of this post

It's been a hot minute since I listened to teenagers so I decided to do a quick run-through of the lyrics, and while Gerard&Co were raised catholic the lyrics seem to REEK of protestant trauma, so that's what I'll be going off of, but I'm pretty sure the two denominations overlap here. The first verse is about kids in youth group, Christian GirlsTM especially, who are put there to pressure you into being "normal" into "cleaning you up with the lies in the book" (bible), although the pastor is the one giving the teaching THESE are the people who will get you to BELIEVE, who will get you to lie to yourself, who will get you to church camps that on some level utilize brainwashing techniques, and will DESTROY you with the idea that you're "Just one of them, and just need to change everything about yourself and fake your way through every last sermon to be just a part of the gang",

The part about sleeping with a gun and keeping an eye on you is about two things: one, about the idea that God can see all your thoughts, that THINKING about "sin" (ie; fantasizing about sex) is as bad as COMMITTING sin (which is fucked up entirely on its own because fantasy is SO FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM REALITY and that is a CRUCIAL aspect of sexual expression in order to safely engage in sex), AND the fact that these kids will pretend to be your friend, will prod you into doing things with them, into telling them things about yourself all the while making you feel like "part of the group" when really they're just blabbing either to religious leaders, or are ostracizing you and bullying you behind your back.

"The drugs never work"

This in my opinion points to the fact that this song is specifically about being QUEER in a christian culture. It is common for trans people to turn to drugs or psychedelics in an area that has little to no access to gender affirming care, or acceptance because they both change reality and disconnect one from the body that is causing their dysphoria. It can also help burn away the guilt, so to speak.

The methods of keeping you clean is about two things: one, about purity culture, no smoking, no drinking, no friends who drink, no sex, no porn, no masturbation, no impure thoughts. The second, is the way they're able to subtly manipulate you into hiding yourself, into lying to yourself, into forcing yourself to the point of death into being cishet. They're keeping you clean not just from the vices of addiction, but the vices of the flesh, the vice you can't escape because it's a part of you from the day youre born. On a darker note, this could also be referring to c*nversion th*rapy, given this second interpretation of the lyrics

"Ripping your head and aspirations to shreds," Is again about two things in my opinion: both the idea of "losing yourself to God's will" that usually leads one to losing their identity and getting depression and fucked up mental health, and the "shift" that happens at church when you reach a certain age. You know the kind, right? You're four years old, and church is FUN! You get to go to this big room and sing and dance on stage with all your friends! You get to play GAMES! You get to talk to the ~cool teenagers~ who are ~Just like you~ and ~think youre a "cool kid"~, you have ~best friends~ who will be with you like Jesus and the 12! but then, one day, something happens, something SHIFTS. maybe the Sunday school teacher leaves, maybe there's a new family at church, maybe the church changes buildings. Maybe none of that has to do with any of it, all you know is that now things are forever different. Church isn't fun anymore. The kids classes are repetitive, they're bribing you into memorizing bible verses with money, they DONT reward critical thinking or analysis, but they do call you smart, that's because they dont want SMART kids they want OBEDIANT ones. You have no choice but to stat going to REAL church. Suddenly, your best friends are not your best friends. Suddenly they're avoiding you. Suddenly they're lying to you. Suddenly you're too... well they don't know the word yet but "gay" for them...

"Teenagers scare the living shit out of me"

This is what youth group does to you, it isolates you from your entire generation because there are few people your age and a whole lot older than you, and everyone is so much DIFFERENT from you for some reason, but neither of you know why, not yet anyways. This makes you distance yourself from teenagers, because you can't SEE yourself as a teenager, because youre nothing like other teenagers.

"They could care less as long as someone will bleed,"

This is the martyr complex that permeates youth culture like the smell of wine, the problem? these kids love to make a show of themselves and their martyrdom, but they're unwilling to martyr themselves, so what do they do? They throw someone else to the wolves and take the glory. They ostracize and eliminate the unique in the name of preserving their faith. They convert and convert and god help anyone who doesn't want to convert.

"So darken your clothes and strike a violent pose"

This is about deconversion, how the moment you leave the church you never want to see another cross till the day you die, that you want to avoid christians of all costs because you don't want them To drag you back into the pit that devoured you. So you do anything and everything you can to make yourself repulsive to Christians, which actually coincides with your indulgence of mundane activities previously considered as "sin"

"Maybe they'll leave you alone but not me,"

There's a different between a cishet ex Christian and a queer ex christian, and that difference is that a cishet atheist is more likely to be left alone than a queer one, especially a queer one whose whole demeanor screams "Christians be gone," that shit is like... it summons christians faster than free winter jam tickets! They swarm to you frothing at the mouth with holy water waiting to either convert you or exorcise you into purity, depends on if you want them or not. Again, you don't even have to be OPENLY gay, they can TRACK this shit. it's like fucking... INSTINCT or something.

"The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick, you're never gonna fit in much kid,"

as alluded to above, this lyric is about how, even from a young age, BEFORE youth group, this toxic culture kind of develops. ESPECIALLY around christian girls. They don't have the vulgarity of slurs, but they can make up for it with slang like "tomboy" "nancyboy" "too boyish" "a sissy" "Weird" etc, youre NEVER going to fit in, because the moment that "shift", from fun games and songs to Real Church, occurs, you have a target on your back.

"But if youre troubled and hurt what you got under your shirt will make them pay for the things that they did,"

This is probably a gun. But that's a tad too boring for my taste. If you were raised protestant you KNOW that being an ex protestant, after the craziness of evangelicalism, you would not hesitate to burn down your old church. It could be a secret tattoo, top surgery scars, hell maybe even nipple clamps. Whatever it is, it's symbolic of revenge. I know that anytime I wore my labrys necklace to church I would always hide it under my shirt. I hid books and CDs under there too. Again, it's about revenge, it's about breaking free, gun or no gun, the point is getting out and getting back at them.

and thats pretty much my take on the song. Again, this is not about artist intent this is just what the lyrics reminded ME of personally (as you can see from the over biographical bullshit I wrote), I'm always open to contradicting interpretations though as I always have like 2+ interpretations of a song or book! I never really saw the song through the lens of youth group specifically but when I went over the lyrics again in retrospect it all seemed to really click (pun not intended) well! Thanks for the ask!

#anon #okay to rb #religious trauma #ex christian #religious trauma syndrome #ex baptist #ex protestat #apostate #MCR #mcr #my chem #my chemical romance #the black parade #welcome to the black parade #gerard way #ray toro #frank iero #Mikey way

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swampgallows · 4 years

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...

trying to think of what i want to address in therapy tomorrow

it feels like all of my ongoing issues have been rendered irrelevant because of the quarantine because ‘well, life is uncertain for EVERYONE right now”; “well, EVERYONE is having trouble adjusting to a daily schedule”; “well, EVERYONE is out of work right now” kinda shit.

i was looking at old selfies earlier trying to find a pic of my old tripps (that dont fit anymore because of my shit fucking woman hips) and man something... i dont know what happened but somethign really seemed to Happen. when i started working i got more and more depressed. i stopped smiling in pictures. i started experiencing dpdr a lot more because my days all ran together and i couldnt do anything except go to work and come home. i couldnt see my friends because i worked every single weekend. i didnt have a consistent work schedule. i wasnt eating or sleeping properly.

i think once i see garrosh in shadowlands, if he’s there, i’m going to quit wow again. i dont know what i’ll do instead, but i want to start on doing something that’s tangible and that i can focus on and just get more absorbed in that to a point where i’m not actively interested in playing wow anymore. i sign on and do shit dailies just because i have literally nothing else occupying my time and i have no want to do anything else. but i dont even really want to play wow. i just want to be in another world. where i can travel, where i can meet people, where i can watch the wind blow tall grasses and see fireworks over the ocean. where i can go wherever i please, whenever i please, where i can feel useful, where i can make useful things. where i have bounties, where i have help, where i have love and family and friends.

i want to believe that those things are waiting for me in the real world too but it’s very hard. i feel shut out from everything. travelling is hard. getting anywhere is hard. it’s hard to make things and it’s hard to be useful. i get tired or bored or cranky or disconnected.

my sister keeps talking about dating men and living on her own and her career. my brother is in law school working on his finals. im doing nothing. there is nothing i want to do.

i need to feel interest in my interests again. i want to want to do things. i want to feel love for myself and for things. i want to feel like there’s a point in taking care of myself or investing my future beyond “well, you’ll feel worse if you don’t.”

like, whats the point? what do i offer? what’s the point in me being alive?

thinking about quarantine and covid and all the eugenicist drivel is conjuring up old rhetoric from 4chan again, all that “modest proposal” type shit about how the neurodivergent and disabled should just be mass-exterminated, and how they crunched the numbers on the resources it would save if we did so, if the country eliminated all the accessibility programs and resources and supplies and just focused on the able-bodied and able-minded. if we could turn psych wards and rehab centers into “real hospitals”, if we could divert student aides and special education toward “real school”, shit like that. and i know that every human life is precious, blah blah, but what about when i dont see even the value of my own life? what about me feeling like my own life is worthless, useless, pointless? if i dont even stay alive for myself, then what good am I?

the least i can do is be a cog, right? yet i must have enough self-respect or self-preservation (or, the curse of “intellect”, since everyone tells me i’m so fucking “smart”) to know i’m being exploited and therefore i cant even be complicit in the harvesting of my manual labor or, i dunno, flesh, i guess.

cause theyd say that too, like, the least you can do is donate your pussy, basically, a rationed comfort woman for the subsidized “quell the incel” program they all jabber about wanting so bad, their god given right to have a penis and fuck with it, or something.

i feel like it all defaults to the same thing. if i’m not being used/abused, what good am i? if i’m not being squeezed for every ounce of my sweat and tears and blood and spit, why do i even deserve oxygen? why shouldnt i be killed? what right do i have to live over anyone else? why should i be sheltered in my parents’ house as a dependent, eating food that another hungry mouth could have?

when i dont even want it? when i cant even justify a reason to myself why i am alive?

i know it’s only my third session with my therapist tomorrow, but i feel like i need to cut to the chase. look, you cant give me that chicken soup for the soul shit about life being inherently valuable. of course it is. of course life is valuable. so why isn’t mine? how do i value myself? how do i find value in myself? how do i create value in myself? what’s the fucking point of my life being valuable anyway?

“if youre not good at something, just get better at it.” why? what for? why use that energy when others are already better? what is the reward? how do i value my value? how do i find reward in the potential to be useful? how do i care about shit? how do i care about myself? what reward is there in being useful, in being alive, other than that i’m already here and i’m too scared to die? what’s the point?

#blathering

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saltynemo · 6 years

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Sleep

(Drabble 5)

WHaTADO Everybody its your boi Nemo back at it again with another fanfiction! I'm sorry I haven't been active lately. Its been busy and I have a project due on the 12th that I haven't even started yet so yay :) Btw, I made the character Josh since I think yall want a Josh smut anyway soooo Anyway enjoy.

Summery: Y/n comes home to find Joshua asleep in his room, making a very sexual idea come in her mind ;)

Type: Smut

Warnings: Getting off while sleeping, Glimpse of dom!Josh, ummm, lots of oral, hair pulling, that's really it

Requested?: No not really

Word Count: 1.8k (1,897 words)

So without further a do, P-P-P-PLAY IT:

"Im home!" I yell, closing the door behind me with a click. No response. "Josh?" I call out again, waiting for his soft voice. Silence again. Weird..he usually lets me know hes home with a shout from the top of the steps or something. I didnt get a text from him so he must be home.

I drop all my stuff, my mind racing. Me knowing Josh's severe anxiety (that lead to somewhat symptoms of depression), my brain started thinking of possibilities for what he could be doing.

I race towards the stairs, quickly ascending to the 2nd floor. I sharply turn a corner, finding him in his room. I open the door without a noise, searching around the area for signs of distress. I find him on his bed, sleeping on his back with his legs crossed. His arms were resting on his stomach, going up and down each time he inhaled and exhaled. I sighed in relief, letting all my worries drain from my head. I lean against the entrance, eyeing out the boy. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping...im such a creep. I giggle quietly, finding it rare for Josh to be asleep in the middle of the day. As my eyes trail from his facial features to his torso, something catches my eye.

I pear down at his crotch, noticing a faint bulge. My eyes opened wide from shock, watching the lump grow by the second. A small moan escapes his throat. I bite my lip, an idea forming in my brain.

I slowly start to take off my shoes, nudging them to the side of the wall. Ive dreamed of this day to come. The day I really make a move on Josh Dun.

I tip toe my way into his room, making sure nothing would creak. I see him shift in his bed, making his legs spread out a little bit. His arms fell to his sides. I smirked, wondering what he was dreaming about. I slowly start to take off my shirt, glancing once or twice at him to make sure he was not waking up. I throw the garment off to the side, watching the piece of clothing fall dramatically onto the floor. My mind made the fall sound like it was a shotgun blast, making my body stop all together, standing silently.

I waited for a moment until I was sure I could continue my movements. I started to unbutton my jeans, fumbling with the button multiple times. I kept glancing up to him, thinking I was making noise with the zipper and metal circle. I finally succeed my mission and gently take off my jeans, taking out each foot with such precaution; I also throw the material the same way I did why my shirt.

I place my hands on the side of the bed, softly pressing down on the fluff to see how much weight it can hold before it caves in. I slowly start to climb um onto the bed, hesitating slightly. Josh shifts his head to the side, opposite from me. I pear down onto his crotch, my mouth watering at the tent in his shorts. I continue my journey across the king sized bed, making my movements every so slowly.

I reach my destination, kneeling down further so my mouth was pretty much on his thigh. He motions a little bit, letting a slight groan fall from his cracked lips. I fluttered my eyes closed, hearing the sound come out from his mouth sound heavenly. I take no tease in my part and steadily start to pull down his basketball shorts, biting my lip to keep myself from whimpering. I see his hips shift upwards, making me think twice if hes sleeping or not. Hes probably just having a sex dream...

It felt like forever until his bottoms were on the floor, leaving him only in his underwear. The bulge in his garment was twitching every so slightly, nearly making me moan right then and there. I gently start to palm him through his boxers, hearing quiet moans pour out from his plump lips. I decide that his underwear would look better on the floor; I also start to pull those off of him. He shifted in his bed, making my motions stop all together. The waste-band of his boxers were pressing down on the middle of his shaft, making my heart beat in my core. Cant I just fuck him already! God damn, I cant take this anymore.

I slowly start to move the garment again, making his dick become more apparent to me. Suddenly, it springs up from the piece of clothing, greeting me with a wet tip. I licked my lips slightly, feeling myself get excited already. He must sure be having a kinky dream if he’s already leaking precum. I continue the long journey of his underwear until it was down to his ankles, swiftly taking them off and throwing them onto the floor. I look back up to his cock, finally getting a chance to see how big he really is. Fuck, he’s bigger than I imagined.

I bring a shaky hand to the base of his dick, feeling the texture of the skin. He lets out a soft moan, mumbling something incoherent. I start to pump his shaft steadily, making sure I didnt wake him up too early. I feel his cock harden against my hand, marble forming between my fingers. I licked my lips, preparing myself to give him head.

I licked the base of his dick, slowly rising my tongue till I was at his tip. I bring my wet flesh around his throbbing cock, slowly opening my mouth and easing myself onto him. I grip the base of his sword with one hand, making sure his shaft would stay still. I hear him moan 'Fuck' quietly, making me lose most of my control. I start bobbing my head at a reasonable pace, stroking what I didnt have in my mouth. I quickly start to notice hes waking up, which only fuels my fire.

"Y-Y/n?" He groans, slowly starting to sit up. I giggle darkly, removing my mouth from his dick. I show a smirk through my eyes, continuing to pump him. He blinks a couple of times before he comprehends what was going on. His eyes open widely in shock. "Y/n! Oh shit, what are y-you" He starts to ramble, but was cut off with a moan. He tilted his head back, letting his eyes flutter close. I smirk, proud of the affect I have on him. "I-I thought you were w-working late tonight" He stammers, overwhelmed by the sudden pleasure he was receiving after his nap. My mouth disconnects from his cock, leaving a slight string of saliva behind. "My boss told me I was working hard enough and told me to come home" I say, gently pressing my lips to the tip of his dick. "Now I get to work on something harder" I say, poking out my tongue and licking a vein on his shaft.

He groans, followed by a whimper. "I cant believe you..." He tries to speak, but his moans keep interrupting. "You got me off in my sleep" He whimpered, his mouth agape and panting. I giggle, wrapping my lips around the side of his shaft, grazing my canines across the skin. He grunts at the sting, snaking a hand into my hair. "I don’t like your behavior" He speaks in a dark tone, twirling my curls with his fingers. He stares back darkly, squinting to see if I was serious with my playfulness. I smirk, finding his new facade to be a lot more dominating. "Do something about it then" I say with a confident tone. He shakes his head in disappointment, raising his other hand into my hair.

Both of his hands guided my head to his tip, forcing my mouth to hug it warmly. I obey his commands and start to bob my head, except he tightens the grip on my hair. I stop my motions, noticing I'm not in control anymore. He tells me to relax my jaw and that he’s gonna 'fuck my pretty mouth'. I moan at his words and carry out his order.

He slowly starts to thrust his hips up into my mouth, inching closer and closer to my throat. I choke a bit, making him chuckle darkly in power. I felt his eyes gaze upon me, studying my teary eyed face. "You look so pretty like this.." He groans, quickening his pace. "I wish I could have fucked your mouth sooner" He says, licking his plump lips. I moan at his words, sending vibrations from my mouth to his already close cock. I heard him groan from satisfactory, throwing his head back.

The sounds of choking and panting fill the room. Josh's moans and groans become more quick and loud as he continues to piston in and out of my mouth. The little sounds he made here and there spoke 3 words: He was close.

"Your mouth feels so good, fuck, Im so close" He whimpers, arching his back slightly. I felt his tip graze the back of my throat multiple times, making me hum to get him to his orgasm quicker. "F-fuckk! Keep doing that, Y/n" He moans, followed with a strangled groan. I struggled to breathe, taking in any oxygen I could between his thrusts. "Only a little bit more, baby" He quickens his pace, studying my wrecked facial features.

I give the last of my voice with a powerful hum, making him teeter over the edge. With an 'Oh Fuck', paired with a strangled moan, he spilt into my mouth, holding my head down in place at the base of his dick. I was able to take in air through my nose, but barely from how close I was to his pubic bone. I felt his warm liquid shoot down my throat, forcing my to choke and gag. I swallowed the best I could, feeling some of his cum drip out of my mouth and onto his flushed skin.

After a while, I started to gently tap on his thigh, letting him know I seriously could not breathe. "Oh-sorry" He chuckles, letting go of my head. I sit up and take in as much oxygen as I could get, panting while giggling. He leans his head back, his breathing still ragged and heavy.

I throw all my weight next to him, laying down with him. I lean my head on his shoulder, twisting his shirt's fabric between my fingers. "You tired me out, girl" He says, finally breaking the silence. We both share a laugh, accepting that it was true. "But not enough to make me not want you more" He adds, smirking slightly. I decide to play along with his 'game', "Oh really? What do you wanna do to me?" I ask, acting like I was so oblivious to what he was thinking. "Close the door and you’ll find out" He says, turning his body so he was facing me. I giggle and cup his face with my palm, bringing him in for our first kiss.

Lets just say after the kiss, we had lots and lots of more fun with lots of more body parts. Each round was more fun then the last...

(Ok yay finished after like 5 days wOw. So the reason I'm not really working on Break the Silence a lot anymore is because for me its hard to write total vanilla lol. I get too kinky with my stories and Its hard for the Mute fanfic to be completely soft and cuddly. So I apologize when I post it and it wasn't to your expectations)

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rhinointherain · 4 years

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26-8-2020

the high hasn’t really hit me yet (its been a few minutes so yeah kind of weird, longer than usual probably, but also not that weird for me bc both i and a***** have noticed that it takes a lot longer for weed to affect me than it does for the average person, i think it is starting to kick in anyway), but i wanted to say first of all that earlier today even though i hadnt smoked at all i noticed myself having some thoughts on the similar type of abstract ideas that i get while high and thinking I should journal them, i didnt because i’m starting to come down firmer on the decision that i will only make any of these types of entries after having smoked at least once that “day” (as in since waking up in the morning, not like a 24 hour period), considering i did smoke twice yesterday and not being a very little physically active person it might have to do with thc still being in my body, but it also might be that doing these journal entries has made me more eager and better equipped to engage with those abstract ideas which i think is cool (although it is important to ask the question of whether it actually has made any tangible difference in how and why i interact with those ideas or whether i just want there to be one), but it also might be that i was reading that terence mckenna book

((actually it was all three of these reasons and also the infinite reaches of every other infinite reason that put me in this specific “multiverse”/version of existence, those three were just the main ones i at first subconsciously perceived to be important enough to type and then after typing them consciously evaluated to be important enough that i would not delete them and instead elaborate on them further. but i feel like I’ve discussed this enough by now that this is readily apparent)

what were those abstract thoughts i wanted to write down is another question because when i decided not to write them down i thought ok well then ill be sure to remember what they were and pick up my phone and write all this immediately after i smoke but the problem is that it takes a little while to type it all up and i forgot them before i had finished writing all that introduction

i should explain better the path that my thoughts have been taking from my mind to their final written form so far in these journal entries but first i want to talk about something else

which is that

(include something explaining why you feel the need to inject these sad excuses of teenage tumblr poetry in between the actual interesting shit you usually like to focus on in these entries)

okay do i still want to write about what i was about to say? also maybe it would be more productive to wait until sober to explain the processes in which these entries are formatted

yeah i do bc one of the reasons i do these lame ones is that they can act for me as a healthy emotional release okay so anyway i wanna be, and this is coming straight from the pathos slash animalistic sensory-propelled part of my brain not anywhere near the rational thought-propelled one, i right now wanna be like a a girl in a movie or story about some like lame emo dude who smokes cigarettes and the movie is just a bunch of slow panning over like a rainy city and theres shoegaze in the background (im thinking about like lost in translation or something BUT EXCEPT the dude isnt bill murray the dudes like a young guy who only someone like me would find attractive (but there are a lot of people like me) who like reads proust or some shit i dont know) and MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL fuck that’s what i’m trying to say i didn’t actually need to type all this shit i just forgot that that term existed for a sec well anyway yeah thats what i want to be, seeing as this concept and the importance of attaining it as a woman has been drilled into my head by media which my brain had been heavily impressed with during its most impressionable ages (that being my adolescence), where and how did that impression happen ie was it absorbed into the deep subconscious reaches and now resides with the animal/sensory part of my brain who has classed the desire to fulfill this idealized image as a sensory/survival need, or does it come in from the opposite side and instead its like a desire that comes from higher conscious and or subconscious cognitive understanding formed from the human brains complex analysis of every input it gets through the web of social norms and evaluations and memories and everything that makes up what the brain understands everything to be. how are the two even different. they arent because nothing is different everything is just one infinity inside of itself and i write this same thought down a lot because of its essentiality but i havent been conveying it in a well thought out enough way for sober me to fully grasp its importance. eventually i should dedicate more effort to this particular idea but thats a big undertaking and i have been too lazy to attempt it so far

fuck like i just want the guy to be like standing by himself at the weird french new wave club or something thinking about how disconnected he is from society or whatever the fuck and then he sees me whos like 100 lbs and i have an unconventional haircut and either im like dancing uninhibitedly (representing the innocent and childlike perspective our jaded protagonist needs to offset his disillusionment with society) or im also standing all alone smoking a cig and maybe even reading like [first 20th century philosopher that comes up under suggested results when you type proust’s name into google] ha ha ha im so funny do you see what im doing here im deconstructing the stereotypical indie movie that people on the internet make fun of because genuinely liking it had become too mainstream im sure no one has ever thought of this before as a comedic bit anyway i had this whole other thing about it too like she goes in his car with him and they smoke and exchange like 4 sentences but u can still tell shes the perfect for him bc shes sexy and has pink hair or something i dont know anyway i was just thinking about how i wanna be that.

like wouldnt it be nice to not actually have any thoughts in your head your whole job is to be pretty but not know that youre pretty because apparently you dont fit the societal convention of beauty except you pretty much do in every way except that you like have green eyes instead of blue and you dont wear high heels or something and thats all you have to do you only exist to fulfill some dudes fantasy and if you fulfill that fantasy you’ve reached the ultimate purpose in life and don’t have to worry about accomplishing anything else or pleasing anyone else, maybe thats why some people become super religious because isn’t it pretty much the same exact concept like your ultimate goal is to become jesus’s manic pixie dream girl, or buddha’s maybe i don’t know i am embarrassingly uninformed about eastern religions

i’m already not really very high anymore that’s disappointing bc i finally actually took a bong rip by myself in what felt like the correct way to do it eg it didnt make me cough but i guess it wasn’t the correct way after all i guess me not coughing just meant i didnt get enough in my lungs godsh damn it

#journal #aug 2020 #🌿

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survivorathena-allstars · 6 years

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Ep. 3: “Shrek Can Heck the Heck Off” ~ Duncan

So tribal occurred and I guess expectingly, everything went as planned. I was really nervous and I don't know why... probably since it's All Stars and everyone is here to not only impress, but to play. We're the recruits and it means that in the past we've shown definitive reasons as to why we had the chance to bypass the application process and immediately enter. It's wild. Overall, i'm fine with tribal. I would've enjoyed Julia a big longer and wouldn't have minded if she stayed, but when so many people are like "you've been so disconnected" etc, there's only so much I can personally do to reroute that. I really am hoping our tribe pulls through in this upcoming immunity. I just don't want to deal with the stress from last time, and i'm scared that I could be in danger. There is an alliance of 7 (now excluding only Duncan & Sam) but EVERYONE talks to Duncan - including myself, he's really nice - and Sam is just generically popular for whatever reason. They're both extremely active, maybe not as much in PMs as the tribe chat, but still are. This then creates the potential of a flip. I would be totally down to do so in the event that it's just... an easy thing to execute. When looking into long term, there's many people who despite how much I like them personally, are huge threats due to their connections on the other tribe. Of course I have Dana, who will work with me but obviously we'll cut one another if the time comes. But there's bigger cliques of people I guess. Emily is mutually friends with EVERYONE - and I adore her so much that it sucks. Ashvika is a legend, also really liked. Duncan has friends on the other side. It's just like... there's many groups of two-four people and it's an interesting dynamic to put as an obstacle. I guess we'll see how things go and how well people think around this and plan accordingly. Also the archipelago is RUDE! thank you.

Ali Update! So, I survived tribal, but I've officially been hexed so I guess I may as well give up! But ultimately, while it was ugly to vote out Julia, I think going into a swap, we don't want to be the totally dominate tribe in numbers, so perhaps losing a member (or potentially two, even though I have no idea who that would be) could work to our benefit? Who can ever be sure! With that said, I am concerned going into another tribal, in that the options are either our alliance of 7, Duncan or Sam. And like.... all those options are ugly. I don't want any of those happening.... So, (and it looks like we will need to win two challenges to do this) we need to win the next two challenges basically! Which has like a 25% chance of happening, but I do think a music video challenge does actually favour our tribe, so hopefully we can win the next one too! With regards to the swap, it does look like we are gonna have an #ugly four tribes of four swap, but my theory is for each tribal at that stage, two of the four tribes will go to tribal? So it'll be tribals of like 7 or 8 people! we will see I guess, but right now, I am focusing on not having the awful task of voting out another member of this phenomenal tribe! Toodles ALSO I HAVE A VIDEO CONFESSIONAL THAT IS TAKING YEAAAAAAARS TO UPLOAD, ughhhh.

Well my plan went off without a hitch this round. I was able to get an alliance formed with Ali, Ashvika, Emily, JD, Ruthie, and Zachary to have the majority going into the last vote. We also made sure to keep Samuel and Duncan looped in so that it was a nice, easy, vote out for Julia. I love controlling votes, yes I do. So far I haven't found anything in the Archipelago. I can't spell that and I'm not going to look it up so I'm going to call it the Islands of Death. Every time someone has searched we've gotten a notice saying that they were tired but mine never have. Where are they going? What are they doing? Suspicious. I do know that whatever advantage was with the artifacts is gone now. Someone completed the task faster than I did. I have a feeling it might have been something dumb like a double vote so I'm not that worried. Based on the rules, I think there's only going to be one hidden immunity idol and you're going to have to work your ass off to earn it. Athena, Charlotte, and idols don't go hand in hand. I'm only good at finding them in other games. Looks like we're just going to have to keep winning so I'm never at risk!

I’ve said this already but can lily be on my tribe thanks I want a tribe swap

I love my majority alliance yes I do! Honestly this game feels like one where I'm gonna make some solid friends, and even though I'm inevitably gonna have to make some rough decisions if I wanna make it to the end again, I'm gonna be close with these people for a while. And that feels really good!

the hosts hate me. they truly do. a music video challenge. my tribe is doing Shrek. and I am doing suffering.

I have been so frickin unlucky in the archipelago. It really sucks. And I feel like I've searched the whole thing already like wtf! Ugh. Anyway, I'm super excited about our challenge. I love music videos and as long as everyone can go all out, I'll be happy! So far I have Charlotte's videos but that's it. I don't mind though because um I haven't recorded my stuff either lmao! But we're winning and that's that on that.

Everyone: loves All Stars and is having a great time Me:

Lily is (still) talking shit about me and whining in people's pms all because "i haven't talked to her." Fun fact: I DID!!!! That's right- I, the person who was targeted immediately and grew a social game to survive, struck up a conversation with a person who voted me out. And you know what the wildest part is? It went well!! I thought ok maybe we made progress and we'll be chill and cordial from here on out. But apparently that wasn't enough for her. We're strangers!!! What do you want good morning and goodnight texts?? Get over yourself- like what are you 16?? Oh wait she is, which would explain why she has all these great expectations and why me not moving heaven and earth to be her best friend bothers her. I got news for you sis: I'm doing my best goddammit while you rely on a bunch of relationships from prior seasons. Yeah I said it and I can back it up: I knew 1 person on our tribe when all stars began and yet turned the 9-1 vote against me in the FIRST FUCKING ROUND to 6-4 me staying; I built a solid alliance of 5 (we poached Cameron lol); I give every challenge my all; and I maintain decent relationships with 85% of the tribe. But because Lily happened to fall in that 15% and hasn't gotten a fruit basket, I have to put up with her shit until one of us leaves

Also I walk on eggshells in this tribe and I can barely breathe without someone having a fucking opinion. Talk to this person, make more of an effort with that person even though they're being immature, don't work with this person, trust that person, change your part in the music video even though there's nothing fucking wrong with playing Gingy from Shrek, don't mind us as we change OUR ROLES every hour because it's fine who cares if the clock is ticking. I love my tribe and they mean well but I'm 23 years old my gameplay isn't a democracy. Speaking of democracy, Elaenia is back to flopping because we can't make any executive decisions about our music video!! So here I am, mentally preparing myself to talk to everyone in the tribe tomorrow so Lily's campaign against me, which she'll whip out once we lose, will fall on deaf ears. You see what I'm talking about?? This is ONE of 2 orgs I'm in that I've been in for 6 DAYS while my job is trying to kill me. HOW HAS IT NOT EVEN BEEN A WEEK

Am I seriously about to get my second idol? I'm SCREAMING. For THIS idol, what I need to do is not talk in any public chats for 24 hours. So, I sent this lie to the whole tribe that I was silenced by someone on the other tribe and honestly I'm screaming. I've evolved and become a complete liar, this is disgustening. But now I am gonna feel less bad about telling Emily about my idol (even though I don't actually regret it that much!) I feel like telling someone about me having an idol is smart, that way if I am getting votes, they can clue me in! With this now too, I can have my own second layer of protection that they dont know about mwahahahaa. I honestly cant believe how much of a liar I have become!

I made a video confession but I was angrier than I should’ve been and so I’m typing this out because it’ll probably make more sense. So earlier today, Ali messaged me and tells me that he accidentally went to the bridge instead of clifface and I didn’t think much of it. So when I go archipelago searching, I row > path 1 > climb > complete the challenge > clifface > climb > do the simple task. NOW. The simple task is to not talk in the tribe chat for twenty four hours. HUH. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but then I remembered Ali got a very similar disadvantage only he said that someone ELSE gave him this disadvantage. So at first I’m like. Oh. This is a little weird. But I go ahead and message everyone and tell them about my disadvantage and how I won’t be talking in the tribe chat anymore. Then something occurs to me: Ali could be??? Lying to me??? So I sent him the quotes from my host chat and he immediately confessed to lying. And I tell him it’s totally fine. I’m not upset. I understand what he did and like? I can’t be mad because I was going to do the exact same thing. Now Ali is saying he’s going to give the idol. So this is amazing. I’m getting an idol no matter what so yeet. We’re talking about what to do with Duncan now. I think he’s gonna come clean. And like nskwbwjwjwjw this is such a mess! But I gotta help Ali and get him out of this predicament because this is what FRIENDS are FOR!!! Whew. Anyways I’m gonna drive home now goodbye.

i dont deserving anything, especially jaybee in other news, my game is a mess and im the mestress. emily also got silenced... I'd be shocked if my whole tribe even remotely trusts me, and I feel like a complete flop. emily is being so nice about it, but if I was her, i'd never trust me ever again ________________________________________________________________ Over the past 24 hours, I have completely ruined my game. Duncan quite rightly doesn't trust me anymore, and I'm so mad at myself for not trusting him sooner. This is the third game in a row where I've been mad at losing someone's trust and I'm so disappointed in myself. I don't want to be, but I deserve to be voted out next. 100%

I don't think I've made a confessional in awhile and I want to do this before I get called out so. I'm hoping we'll win the music video thing just because I...don't want to go back to tribal. Not with this group of people at least. I myself feel safe and secure, but then again I felt safe and secure at the first tribal and then the tribe as a group assassinated me, like a meaner Murder on the Orient Express situation. I don't think I'll go home but??? I never know with these demons. So anyway I found this...thing in the Archipelago. To get it I have to make sure we lose the next challenge. Not really sure how I'll do that but I guess we'll have to find out. It's kinda a win-lose situation because...like I said...I don't want to go to tribal. But maybe this can help me...maybe. I'm like completely in the dark so I don't really know anything but anything will help!

hhhhh WOW I'm so worried! I took a look at our final video for the lip sync and while it generally looks good, theres also the issue that... i filmed in portrait mode. shit. i REALLY hope that doesnt cost us the win, because i know people despise that (and for good reason) and I dont wanna deal with tribal because I dont know shit about filming, since I'll probably be made a target for that (if not me, maybe jack bc he didn't do anything but also idk if i'd wanna do that because he did say he was uncomfortable with it)

FUCK WE LOST! AND FUCK SHREK TOO!

Literally just cried because of how wholesome the video Amanda Lynn made is, like that just made my night and I know this isn't related to the game but I really just love this cast and this game so much and I'm so happy to be a part of it :')

Me? Forgetting that confessions are a thing very briefly? Yes. I was like... how can I get out all my anger about the music video results? Um? I can CONFESS since I can't FUCKING TALK IN THE TRIBE CHAT! God damn I'm so upset about these results I'm not even kidding I could... rip my fucking hair out. I worked so hard on that video and I'm not saying Cameron didn't work hard on his but I am saying that our video was 10x better. Yes theirs had a theme but like,,,,,,, we were so enthusiastic and cute and positive and wholesome the whole vibe to our video was fun and LILY RECORDED IN PORTRAIT I LOVE HER SHE'S MY WIFE BUT COME ON LILY DON'T DO THAT and like the quality was bad too!! And I just... what the fuck we were really honestly truly robbed. Like I loved Owen as the Fairy Godmother that was hilarious and Will as Prince Charming really was so funny but also FUCK THEM IM SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO AMOUNT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS CAN EXPRESS MY ANGER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I HAVE TO GO TO TRIBAL AND IT'S LOOKING LIKE SAM IS GONNA GO AND LIKE I UNDERSTAND BACK HE DIDN'T LIKE CONTRIBUTE A WHOLE LOT TO THE CHALLENGE AND ALSO HIS SOCIAL GAME IS KINDA SHITTY BUT DUNCAN IS REALLY PUSHING TO NOT GO FOR SAM AND GO FOR LIKE JD OR CHARLOTTE AND IM LIEK FDLKFKLSDDAS STOP IT??????????? I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH THIS VOTE BECAUSE I LOVE AND CARE ABOUT EVERYONE AND EVERYONE ON THIS TRIBE HAS PULLED THEIR WEIGHT IN SOME WAY AND PROVEN THAT THEY DESERVE TO BE HERE BUT FJKLSDJFKLSDJLFSDLKFSLKDFS I AM GONNA SHIT MYSELF okay sorry to be all in caps for a little bit but Vireao was just fucking robbed know THAT also we have 100% participation SUCK IT!!! Also I called it that Jack wasn't gonna contribute I knew that boy hated music videos and I was RELYING on him not contributing and like losing his tribe points. But we still lost. And the judges made mean comments except "Except for the axe welding earth destroyer. Real star of the video there. Did you make an earth just to destroy it?? I'm nervous!" that made me feel good. I'm an axe welding earth destroyer lol... but I'm also a fucking loser. Okay long ass confession done goodbye cruel world

Ok so I shouldn’t be up but like y’all know I get off work late and play catch up for like 2 hours + don’t sleep normal people hours so I’m really happy we won, mainly because that means I’m 100% safe. That’s how you’re supposed to feel but when you’re paranoid, facts help you sleep better at night. I went from comfortably being Gingy to taking one for the team and stepping up to be Shrek hours before the deadline; so even if we had lost my logic was that I contributed enough deep in the clutch to be seen more as a saving grace rather than a threat or dead weight. Highkey I feel like I’m playing harder than I really want to but these hoes backed me into a corner and every time I try to go under the radar people start running their mouth. Elaenia was branded the underdogs but I feel like the underdog of the underdogs. Yes I’m on varsity and yes I can sit with everyone at lunch but is it enough? Almost being first boot really did a number on me and I literally play day to day. I am not 18th place and I’m even happier that one of the Goliaths will fall- it truly puts a smile on my face My gut is telling me Karen wasn’t the source of getting me out; I think I just want to believe that so I can be at ease but it couldn’t be that simple. The next logical choice is Lily or Kevin buuuuut what if it’s not? What if one of these people who voted with me actually started the entire chain of events? Is Jack lying and does actually know who the source is? Is Lily not the messiest person on Elaenia? Am I justified in watching my back and being wary of everyone, allies included? Reasons why I can’t with this game. It’s a mind fuck and my brain is a whore lmao

I just took a nap now i'm regenerated. 2 hours? WOO! I think it's my time. Maybe i'm just hallucinating and paranoid - but I tend to have decent awareness of what's going on and how people interact with me, but at the same time I have a huge habit of over reading situations. Point is, everyone's being very short with me. Duncan, a person who is usually exciting and lovely, is responding with one word excerpts. Perhaps he's tired but... yeah. Emily is also similar. She hasn't changed her speech patterns in my opinion, but in the manner of what's been happening, it's just more noticeable. If I could just you know... have a say - why not Sam? I understand the 7 person alliance is not going to remain unitedly intact, but that's one easy vote. Not only did he send a 4 second clip (then a 9 second lipsync) to Emily in the last two hours, but he's been the most inactive. I do think he's a great guy, I really do - but it's stressing me out. I think Emily maybe wanted to flip though. I always mention Emily in every confessional I make but that's for a few reasons. First, she's really sweet and enjoyable and I like her. Second, she's really well connected and like a spider web of relations, so being good with her could maybe put me 1-up. Third, i'm literally being her so-called lapdog (by myself, that is). But it's all with good intent of course. Point is before I rambled was that she suspects that our group isn't tight and that we soon will require to flip since a 7 person group is a gigantic majority, and despite the fact that an upcoming swap is glooming in the distance, it is a threatening perspective. If she wanted to flip on someone, unless it was one of a few people (Ashvika... and Charlotte, I guess) I would easily be on board. I like the others, Ali and Ruthie and everyone, but i'll play cutthroat. I'm here to get myself one day further!!!! Not really. Kind of. Who knows. Nonetheless it's a great thought process, and i've been interested in it myself prior to her acknowledgement. I don't want to be blatant cause for some dumb reason I think i'm walking on thin ice, but it's there... it's a potential possibility. Duncan's very well connected so I sincerely doubt anyone would vote him out next, after Sam. Hmm... Also, I really love boulders so i've been trucking on through and now I just need 5 more days (after the 23rd) to search and i'll either find something or realized i've been wasting my time, with higher probability on the latter option.

youtube

So I was really hoping that it wasn't going to come to this because I don't wanna vote out Sam and Duncan ciao know that they are numbers for me over Charlotte... Which for me is what this game is coming down to, me Vs Charlotte, I dont even care who wins the series so long as I can take her out lol. But I wonder if that was why she left them out of the alliance chat she throw me and Ali in. Cus she knew that with such a small number on the outside that it would be easy to get rid of the people I would most likely work with.... She claimed not to be strategic but I know better.

I'm so frustrated. I understand tribal is not a fun subject kiddos but it's something that needs to be done and no one is talking to me. Perhaps they all unitedly agree to vote me out, but I really hope not and I don't think that'd be good for various reasons!! Who knows though. Well, people know, just not me. I'm going to try to encourage a Sam vote or a potential flip but... that'll be whatever the others want.

Fuck I’m pissed that we lost! Grrrr. I literally never want to watch shrek ever again. Shrek can heck the heck off

Upset we lost immunity, hope it’s an easy tribal

AH FUCK NVM WE DID IT AAAAAAAAA IM SO PROUD I was especially flattered that Milissa enjoyed the growing nose thing for Pinocchio, I was really proud of that idea ;w; now if only I had filmed horizontally

I’m out of town. Didn’t help with the challenge. We still won. Interested to see who goes on the other tribe. My social game is weak. The end.

WE ARE SHREK ICONS

This vote is going to be beyond crazy. I’ll update you once I actually figure out what is going on

So I just filmed a video confessional, but I think I need to write out my thoughts since I'm so conflicted. God, just write murdered by Shrek on my tombstone. Anyway, first things first... How blessed are we all to know Emily? Oscar-worthy director, sane person, just inspiration. She helped handle the mess that was my silence idol challenge confusion. She is honestly the best ally I could ask for, and I am so blessed to know her, as a friend and ally. Soppy time over. Time for GAME AKJLFDAkljafd. So, I have decided I need to reassess my core allies. In this game, I need to realise that everyone is of course gonna have an agenda, so its important to coalesce with all the people with motivations similar to mine. Because we share our info, Emily definitely falls into that category, which is why she is my main ally right now. Beyond that, I feel really good about Zach atm. He is so nice and great to talk to, and I think in an alliance sense we really click? So that's why I am really here for the "EAZy Votes" alliance (Me,Zach & Emily) because I really feel those are two solid allies I'd love to work with going forwards. From that point, I also get great vibes from Charlotte & Ashvika as people I'd like to work with going forward in the game. Charlotte is a smart cookie, she knows her stuff, is super sociable and a great person to work with. So like... I'm down to clown with Charlotte. Ashvika is the only person left on the tribe who I didn't have some sort of relationship with preseason, but she is honestly just so nice. She is someone I'd truly love to work with going forwards. Ruthie, my cracked disney queen, is someone who I think would be a great and loyal ally, and like... who doesn't want some Ruthie in their life? That leaves my Emathia chums Duncan,JD & Sam. Sam is a great guy, and someone I always have a place in my soft hort for, but I just think he has for some reason struggle to ingratiate himself within the tribe, which has just made him such a target and means keeping him is like... a big move. Duncan and JD are so conflicting for me. JD has become much more cracked since Emathia, and I am down to crack some eggs, but not the whole batch... So she is scary to work with long term. Duncan I find really hard. As a friend, I love him SOOOOO much, and I always will do. I just get super freaked out, because his agenda is very different to mine (as is JDs). They don't know Zach or Ruthie while I do, which makes it hard to find plans that we agree on? Like with Julia, it was easy, but now it gets harder..... ACK, I dont know. Basically, this whole game is too much for my poor soft hort.

This is going to be the most dark sided season of survivor. This round sam is going home (according to what I know) and I actually don’t want him out. Apparently San has just not been putting in the work in order to make friends with everybody. And I’m like sam! This is all stars! You should be performing your ass off in all aspects. Now granted I have Emily to look out for my ass but I’m also looking out for myself. It’s just Ugly because the one time I want to work closely with Sam and make amends I won’t have the chance to. JD made an emathia alliance chat so I think she wants to save sam but she isn’t pushing for it and people were being indecisive. So after thinking about it for about 12 hours I decided fuck it. It’s premerge, I cannot make any big moves rn, I’m not going to play my idol on sam. And sam is not my closest ally right now so I can’t stick out my neck to save him. JD told me she didn’t care to work with zac Ashvika and ruthie and t shook me. I’m the only one left not in that seven but that’s the only crack I need to survive another round if we were to lose again. Sidenote? I’m not happy with Ali like at all. He and Emily both found the path to the idol but couldn’t speak in the tribe chat or any alliance chats for 24 hours. Emily told us the truth but Ali told us before Emily found the path, that he was being punished. Like this makes me feel better about being closer to Emily in the game. I’m really hoping to survive the night obviously, and it’s going to suck to see sam go but this is all stars so I guess All is Fair in Love and War. And I want to win this war.

AHHH MAYBE I HAVE FOUND SOMETHING!!! I'm mid little mini challenge and I love mastermind, SURELY I can crack this quickly! I really need to win something, our tribe is dwindling down and i don't feel safe at all!

wiiiiiiii I am going to submit a Better Confessional when I get home from Christmas just making sure I get something in this time :) I’m happy we won the music video!!!!! And I’m so excited to see who goes home from the other tribe oops!

hello sweet confessional. I don't have much 4 u, but let me say that Owen as the fairy godmother and Autumn cutting her onion made our video iconique as fuck. Made me love my alliance that much more. I keep forgetting to pretend to socialize with the other people on my tribe so they don't want to vote me out, like i'm doing a TERRIBLE job. With the exception of Autumn, the rest of my alliance is also close with people on the outside of our group, which lowkey sucks but..wig! Catch me getting idoled out honestly. Also i'm probably getting voted out because i'm friends with Zach and like umm no. Idk yall i'm paranoid and I took an exam today so like thinking? it's a no from me.

i love emily so much she could wear stilettos or cleats and do the cha cha slide (two stomps this time!!) on my face and i would thank her

hey so i'm about to save the world by doing a challenge!!!!! aaahhhh!! i don't know what'll happen if i win, but I need to repeat verbatim a phrase from everyone in the tribe chat. kind of thinking that i'll just do it all at once. we'll see you on the other side! oh yeah and it has to be done within the next hour.

HOWDY YALL SOOOOOO I was kind of worried that the other tribe would go fuckin ALL OUT in the music video but our shrek strategy really paid off??? Now that Julia is gone it's going to be super interesting seeing how the dynamics of that tribe split up. I don't think it's going to be another unanimous vote. If Ali and JD stick together, probably with Sam.... And Ruthie/Ali were close af in festive. Emily seems good with everyone. Idk???? I can't see Charlotte Duncan or Zach going either? Ashvika could be in danger tbh but that's so fuckin ugly. I don't want any of them gone but if I had my pick I think JD going would be good for me. She's an obstacle in my relationship with Ali. But who knows! My tribe is really lucky we pulled out a win. I think tension is still rising surrounding Lily being a threat but there's been talk of Jack or Lily having something from the archipelago. SPEAKING OF WHICH I FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING OMFG DSKADJFHKJ so at the beginning I was exclusively looking under these boulders and I started going in phone number order..248-7....then I stopped. I caved and grabbed a torch bc there were only two left. But then I realized a bunch of people prob grabbed the torch and got everything from there so I stressed out and returned my torch in order to go BACK to the boulders...and did the next digit of my phone umber....AND HAD TO DO A CHALLNGE! I basically got an extra vote that can only be used at f14 or f7 which is kinda useless to me for a while but it's better than nothing. And it is also a legacy thing I believe so I'll pass it down. nice. I feel like I've been getting even closer to Will this round. I like him a lot and I think he hopefully trusts me as well. I thought I'd be closer with Dana and Cameron but Will is someone that I really wanna go far with and he's the first person I told about my vote thing. I told Cameron too, he's my first ally and rn prob my best ally. Autumn and Dana I've continued to talk to too. I haven't messaged Jack that much oops but he a freak !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fjskahdfj not rlly but I dont want to work with him. I would if I had to but for now I want him gone! Sorry! Although I like how presst he seems to be that Emily cut him. I'm trying to make a snapchat group with my alliances bc teams that snap together stay together. But I'm scared of a swap coming soon :( i love our tribe and the other people I do rlly wanna play with but I want them to kill each other a bit more first. also I've been tyring to figure out why the other two premerge buffs are completely different fonts and designs but i cant do anythin about it rn so might as well not worry about it! if the game changes up I'll change with it

like okay i'm gonna succeed in the challenge but uh it's blatantly obvious that i'm going for something. but this is ALL STARS Y'ALL GOTTA RISK IT TO GET THE BISCUIT RIGHT??? (pls let me win this game)

Ack, I'm really scared Duncan is gonna idol Sam! Also, I feel bad for Sam, he is doing my parroting challenge :( [04:31] Duncan: in every season [02:33] Samuel Rutan: in every season

This vote has been an absolute roller coaster because Duncan has been pushing hard to save Sam and like... people aren't budging. Except JD is actually so cracked? She made an Emathia alliance now she's voting out Sam? And Charlotte messaged me saying she thinks that JD would flip on us??? And honestly this whole vote has been so nerve wracking and like I pretty much feel safe because I worked so hard on that music video but also? I contributed a whole lot to the scavenger hunt in Crossroads and they VOTED ME THE FUCK OUT so I mean WHO FUCKING KNOWS they could be plotting to get me out I don't KNOW!!! But I've been talking to Zach a whole lot more and he's such a nice person and I love him and I want to work with him going forward. FUck tribal is starting I'm so fucking scared

YOU GUYS I AM SO ASHAMED THAT I THOUGHT SAM'S NAME WAS FREAKING SAMUEL like what the heck, what's wrong with me? WHY AM I SUCH A DING A LING???? UGHSDFLJDSFLSJFLSDFJ

I don't really have much to confess right now but I love building my edgic!! It's interesting that our tribe is very divided right now in terms of majority/minority alliance and that the other tribe has had two unanimous votes...very interesting...But as the days go on I feel more and more connected to my alliance of five and can see that the other 4 have made basically no effort to talk to me since the Karen vote (like we've talked about things aside from the game) but like...Kevin doesn't talk to me at all, Madison's lowkey sketchy even though she's a queen, and Jack and Lily haven't talked to me since I apologized for keeping them out of the Karen vote. Also a note - anyone can say "I would've voted with you" and that's an easy lie to tell. So it doesn't really sway me when they tell me that about voting Karen out.

Sam becomes the 3rd person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 8-1 vote. You can see Sam’s preseason interview here.

#NotAllFunAndGames

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