Smoke&Mirrors - playlist
You can find it on Spotify here.
Let’s start from the beginning:
Imagine Dragons - Smoke and Mirrors
Okay, so with Stuck in reverse series everything started with one song that inspired me to write something, and you know what happened later.
With this new series, the idea came first (prompted by @vaneilla’s wonderful brain, and you know what? I actually went back to check that bit of convo, and it was all because @gallifreyan-uprising did what she did to TP, so I guess thank you both, ladies!), and then I was looking for THE song, that could serve as an inspiration and as a title.
And because all my best ideas come to me while driving, and I had Imagine Dragons in my car’s CD player… BOOM.
//I'm starting to cave
I'm losing my flame
I wanted your truth
But I wanted the pain
To disappear
Dream maker, life taker
Open up my mind
All I believe
Is it a dream
That comes crashing down on me?
All that I hope
Is it just smoke and mirrors?
I want to believe
But all that I know
Is it just smoke and mirrors?//
This just felt so fitting for Reader and her struggle a little later in the series, and smoke and mirrors alone seemed like just what I needed to capture the essence of the main conflict between Neil and R.
Chapter 1: Imagine Dragons - Natural
I had the title, I knew what I wanted to do in the first chapter, but I still had doubts if I could switch to this new dynamic. -Neil being mean? I mean how even-- I needed a good playlist to get myself in the right mood to set the tone for the whole series, and even when I found a few songs that were good enough, I knew that none of them was the one. And then again, on my way to work, this time from my Spotify playlist - Natural. I literally started screaming when I realized that it was exactly what I’d been looking for. Not only because of its badass vibe, but those lyrics, holy shit -
//That's the price you pay
Leave behind your heart and cast away
Just another product of today
Rather be the hunter than the prey
And you're standing on the edge face up
'Cause you're a natural
A beating heart of stone
You gotta be so cold
To make it in this world
Yeah, you're a natural
Living your life cutthroat
You gotta be so cold
Yeah, you're a natural//
This is R. “A beating heart of stone / You gotta be so cold / To make it in this world”. Because she might be all spiky and angry on the outside, but why is she that way? Because she has to. Because nothing ever came easy in her life.
And this is Neil, too. A true natural, as TP calls him. But he also plays a role, because he was put in a position he didn’t want. And not only by TP, but also by R. That scene in the bar? He really hopes to clear the air between them, but she is not ready to listen, and keeps antagonizing him. *sigh* We know how it ends up. Anyway -
bonus: Willyecho - Welcome to the fire
Found this one when I was looking for the vibe, and then those lyrics--:
//I'm focused
I've been watching for the omens
I've been listening to everything you've said
Its been running through my head
Locked and loaded
I've got the feeling that you've noticed
Yeah I've only just begun
I won't stop until it's done
'Til you're broken
So welcome to the fire
I'm the one who lit the night up//
-- because yes, R’s that mad at him, TP, the whole world at this point, really.
Chapter 2: Florence + the Machine - What kind of man
So you know, one of the challenges I’d set for myself for this series was to finally write a proper smut. God, was I stressed out (shoutout to my lovely friends who had to listen to my self-doubting whines for quite some time). And as I knew it was supposed to happen in this chapter, and I already had an appropriate build-up in mind, I needed a song. And it wasn’t this one, although it made its way to the chapter’s playlist. But as I actually wrote the whole thing down… I felt it had that vibe.
//You were on the other side, like always
You could never make you mine//
Oh R, my sweet summer child.
//To let me dangle at a cruel angle
Oh, my feet don't touch the floor
Sometimes you're half in and then you're half out
But you never close the door
What kind of man loves like this?//
And that part is just so fitting with the whole confusion.
bonus: Graffiti Ghosts - Last man standing
The one behind the shooting range sequence:
//Your trigger finger better think about your future
You’re getting twisted thinking I don’t want to shoot ya
I’ve been waiting for a long time
and I’m coming back to get what’s mine
Sick of living with your little double faces
I’m getting itchy and so livid I can taste it
I’ve been waiting for a long time
and I’m swinging til I get what’s mine
but I’m not going down
I’m not going down//
Can’t say that R isn’t fantasizing about shooting Neil at some point, it’s all I’m saying. And the vibe was all right, and worked for the sparring scene as well.
bonus: Zayde Wolf - New Blood
I needed decent background music to write that sparring scene, you know - to hype myself up. And then found this song. Look at the lyrics:
//I spent my whole life chained to the wall
Hunger for more, not afraid to fall
Had to cut a man down to get where I am
But someone had to tumble, and someone had to stand
Don't try to fight, nothin' you can do
I'm gonna run all over you
It's too late to try, there's nothin' you can do
I'm gonna run all over you//
and
//Most of my life was heavy and hard, yeah
So many days, so many scars
But it was all of those years who make who I am, yeah
But I broke through, and here I stand, yeah//
Added to the playlist instantly. You can see it too, right?
bonus: Nothing But Thieves - Itch
I love this band and I’m eternally grateful that my dear friend @connie-nikas itroduced me to their music. Spotify suggested that it fit the mood for the playlist I already had for that part, so I checked the lyrics and YES:
//There's a hunger in my heart
It's full of promise, promise
There's an itch under my skin
It's under my skin, under my skin//
...
//There's a blood red on my shirt
And it's shining, shining
There's a sharp pain from my face
I kinda like it, I like it//
...
//I just wanna love
I just wanna touch
I just wanna see
'Cause I, I just wanna feel something real
'Cause I, I just wanna feel something real
Wanna feel something//
It fits more than one moment in the series, but that blood part seemed accurate for sparring, so it stayed in this chapter.
bonus: Dorothy - Wicked ones
Another Spotify suggestion, and it works pretty well for these dumbasses, although this part:
//This night ain't for the faint of heart
For the faint of heart, for the faint of heart
This night ain't for the faint of heart
'Cause the faint of heart gonna fall apart//
--this got me going while I was having heart palpitations as I was getting closer to the locker scene lol.
And then:
//Ain't no sleep when the wicked play
All we do is get laid, uuh uh uuh uuh
Ain't no love when the wicked run
All we do is try to lay off, lay off, lay off
We're the wicked ones, wicked ones//
Fits, right?
bonus: Muse - Undisclosed desires
I -blame- have to thank M for this one, and it was my initial title song for this part. Just see for yourselves:
//I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied
Soothing, I'll make you feel pure
Trust me, you can be sure
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty's not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart
You trick your lovers
That you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine
Please me, show me how it's done
Tease me, you are the one//
It just -- it’s not only about that one scene. Maybe it would be even better for part 3? Anyway, could be sung to R almost word for word, right?
Chapter 3: Nothing But Thieves - You know me too well
One of my favourites from this band, and I knew it had to be a title of some part of the story. Because:
//I gave you a call
Baby, I could come by, help forget it all
'Cause in this sticky weather, oh, it's really hard to sleep
As you know all too well
And when we dig together, oh, you make me feel so cheap
But I can't help myself
Filthy impetuous soul
I wanna give it to you
Oh, just to see what you do
'Cause I'm so drunk on you
Baby, you're all that I want
I want you all to myself
Oh, but you know me too well//
So yeah, filthy impetuous soul was only fair to use for that bathroom, right?
//And maybe you're right
We don't get on so well, when we lose the high//
That’s them at this point, all right.
//'Cause every love story always end in tragedy
If you wait long enough//
Oh hello, R’s beliefs here, clear as night.
//Renew me 'cause sometimes I forget
Got my own two hands clenched around my neck//
Could be said by both of them at this point, tbh.
bonus: Leann Rimes - Can’t fight the moonlight
So let me be frank - I knew I wanted to put that bathroom scene somewhere for quite some time, so it’s written purely for self-indulgence. I just needed to find an opportunity. And during one of the brainstorming sessions with A (because she was so kind to help me out with figuring things out when I stumbled over certain plot points, and I can’t thank her enough), the idea of karaoke night came to life and she gave me this song and fuck yes! That was it!
One of my favourite Neil headcanons is that he likes cheesy songs, and Coyote Ugly movie has a special place in my heart, so I just knew it was the one for him! Especially because:
//Under the lovers sky
Gonna be with you
And no one's gonna be around
If you think that you won't fall
Well just wait until
'Til the sun goes down//
it’s just perfect if you wanna kinda seduce/kinda embarrass someone, right?
And also:
//You can try to resist
Try to hide from my kiss
Don't you know, don't you know
That you, can't fight the moonlight
Deep in the dark, you'll surrender your heart//
Because yes, he wanted to kiss her in that locker room, that’s a thing you do when you’re attracted to someone, right? He thought it was just because of this whole angry sex thing, but was aware of that all the time, that’s why R’s reaction in the bathroom alarms him. I mean it would make him stop anyway, but still.
bonus: Ruelle - Until we go down
The mood progression in this song fried my brain, absolutely amazing!
The lyrics, too:
//And I feel it running through my veins
And I need that fire just to know that I'm awake
Erased, I missed till the break of day
And I need that fire just to know that I'm awake
Until we go down//
bonus: Bishop Briggs - Wild horses
Another song that captures the spirit of what’s going on in R’s head.
//You hold me down in the best way
No quarter from these chains that I've
Slept on my heart for a feeling
Why can't I let my demons out?
Keep screaming into the pillow
Cause your taste still gets me stupid high
Oh glory, I'm a believer
Oh glory, I'm a troubler//
At this point, she’s well aware of the effect Neil has on her, and the internal conflict is strong in this one.
//You call my truth in the worst way
Through the dirty lands of a broken smile
And I swear I'm not a pretender
Sometimes it's love who's the baby's cry
So, I keep on damning the devil
And you keep on saying it's alright
Oh glory, I'm a believer
Oh Lord, I'm holding tight, but//
And the whole vibe of this song, it’s like fuck I’m losing my mind, but I want you and I want you now. Just makes my breath hitch.
bonus: Transviolet - Bloodstream
And as I needed a certain mood, -(ended up actually writing with TENDER in the background because apparently I need a complete opposite mood seeping through my headphones to write any smut at all but anyway...)-, and this song is just...wow.
//Fingertips drip down my spine
Cruel desire, danger in our consequence
You look my way and I lose my…
Hey, you wanna rule the world?
Outlaw love, make you lose control
Hey, hey, boy you got me like whoa
White hot, adrenaline baby
In my veins, you got me praying
Whoa, whoa, whoaaaa
My pretty blue lips begging
Take me, I need you in my bloodstream
Hold me, break me
My breath is for holding, overdose me
I need you in my bloodstream
Hold me, break me, break me//
Hot. I won’t be taking any notes.
Chapter 4: Aimee Mann - Save me
You remember that part 4 was supposed to be the last one? Don’t ask me, I don’t know how I would manage to get that emotional progression from these dumbasses by the end of that part, so I’m glad y’all voted on splitting it into 2 (and then another 2) parts. But I already had a playlist for the finale, and then had to make a new one, and then had too many possible title songs.
Why did this one win? Because in my brain it’s directly connected to my OTP and also fits this part of the story. I battled myself if it was a spoiler or not (and also had trouble getting to terms with R ever admitting that she needs to be saved), but then thought - eh, what the hell, it has the right lyrics and a proper mood, and here it is.
//You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet
But can you save me
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone//
and that shift to this part, oh my heart:
//Except the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Except the freaks who could never love anyone.//
bonus: Jamie O'Neal - All by myself
Okay, so the car scene was in my mind for a little while, and in the initial outline, aka part 4 is the finale I couldn't find a place for it and thought I might end up making a one shot out of it, so when I actually had enough time to write it into the story, I was so excited!
I was looking for a song, and the first one that came to my mind was Air Supply - All out of love, but I could never beat what Jensen Ackles did in the outtakes of that one Supernatural episode, so I had to abandon that song, sadly. And then I thought about the one with basically the same vibe and *ding ding ding*. And of course Neil would know it. And would know what movie this is from (just look at him and try telling me he doesn’t like British rom-coms, I dare you). And would tease R about it. (and that’s why I used that cover of this song).
//Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure
All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself
Anymore//
bonus: Meg Myers - Motel
I’ve discovered Meg’s music just because of Spotify’s recommendations, and oh my god, it’s amazing! And this song just felt right for their talk during the stakeout, just look at the lyrics:
//You're weak, broken in a motel
You blink, tears are falling down, down, down
And you're free, free inside your own hell
You speak, someone let me out, out, out
And I can't stop this pain, it only grows
Tell me why I always feel alone
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
Show me what I'm really living for
I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breath, wanna give
But it's hard and it's dark and we're doomed from the start
I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breathe, wanna give
But it's hard and it's dark and I'm falling apart//
ahh, nothing like a good old angst, am I right? Perfect for writing about the more vulnerable sides of them.
bonus: Fear Of Men - Sane
There is just something in this song that resonates deeply, you know?
//I see you drowning
Half flesh half stone
With ambitions that drain your health
You hear me
(Secrets)
You run from me
You hear me
(You hear me)
I know
You hear me
(Secrets)
You run from me
You hear me
(You hear me)
You know, you know, you know
It’s in your eyes when you’re perfectly sane
It’s in your blood when you can’t bear these heavy thoughts again
It’s in your eyes when you’re perfectly sane
It’s in your blood when you can’t bear these heavy thoughts again//
bonus: Laura Doggett - Beautiful undone
That track almost ended up as the title. When I stumbled upon this song, I was completely blown away, as in I-had-it-on-repeat-for-4h-straight blown away.
//I took you walking
Through the murmurations of my mind//
that line just strikes me right through the heart, and it gets even better later:
//I'm looking down and my heart's connected
I'm feeling love from a different view
We learn the most when we least expect it
We learn the most when we break in two//
I don’t think that any of them expects to learn more about each other during that one mission. I mean sure, Neil counts on it, but doesn’t know what it's gonna be. And if she lets him into his head at all.
//You know you're beautiful undone
(Shine on)
So beautiful undone
You look beautiful undone
(Hearts connected)
My boy of blue.//
My boy of blue. I don’t know why it screamed Neil to me, but it did.
//It's the cracks that let the light shine
It's the cracks that let the light shine through.//
And that’s exactly it.
Chapter 5: LAUREL - Blue blood
Okay, THIS song, as soon as I heard it, I was like - this is it, this is her.
//You woke me up for your blue blood
Made me come undone
Can't believe you've been here the whole time
Too nice to pass you by and I can't believe
You've been here the whole time
You made me feel again
Made me dance circles 'round the pieces of your heart
You made me feel again
After the last time, didn't think that I could love//
That “was he always so gorgeous” moment, right? When she just sees him for the first time this way. And is slowly coming to terms with her feelings.
bonus: Prep School - Come as you are
So this one… We all know the original song (or this is my old ass talking), but only when I heard this cover, I really felt it, you know?
//Come as you are, as you were
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend
As an old enemy//
Just made me think about R being ready to get to know Neil better. About the shift in their dynamic.
//When I swear that I don't have a gun
No I don't have a gun//
She lets her guard down, and is ready to trust him.
Also - how great is the mood of this song? That crescendo just takes my breath away, and that calmer moment at the end? Good god. Utter perfection.
bonus: Ray LaMontagne - Such a simple thing
I’ve been sitting on this song for quite some time, and just had to find a suitable moment for it. And this was it.
//Tell me what you're feeling
I can take the pain
Tell me that you mean it
That you won't leave again
Tell me what your heart wants
Such a simple thing
My heart is like paper
Yours is like a flame
I can't make you see
If you don't by now
I'll get through these chains
Some how, some how
Take it if you want it
I'm so tired I just don't care
Can't you see how much you hurt me?
It's like I wasn't there//
My heart just aches while I listen to this song. It’s so tender, and yet so heartbreaking.
bonus: Keane - Hamburg sing
When A sent me this song, god, the way I screamed. Because this is so Neil.
//I don't wanna be adored
Don't wanna be first in line
Or make myself heard
I'd like to bring a little light
To shine a light on your life
To make you feel loved
No, I don't wanna be the only one you know
I want to be the place you call home
I lay myself down to make it so
But you don't want to know
I give much more than I'd ever ask for
Will you see me in the end
Or is it just a waste of time?
Trying to be your friend?
Just shine, shine, shine
Shine a little light
Shine a light on my life
And warm me up again//
At this point in the story, he already fell for her hard. And can just hope that she sees him at one point, too.
You know, writing that first really intimate moment between them-- I know I was supposed to be on R’s side, but I knew what was going on in Neil’s head at that point (that’s why I was so happy when Chels asked that one question that made me write Come as you are) and... I don’t know, I’m so soft for this idiot, I just want to hug him.
//Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all
You know that it could be so simple//
My dumbasses.
Chapter 6: Phantogram - You’re mine
We’re gonna save this one for the very end, just mentioning it here as we move to the next chapter.
bonus: Adna - Night
You know that sad music montage thing that the movies do after a breakup scene or something? This song has that exact vibe.
//Silence grows and you're all i know
Eyes are closed, I'll see your smile, your love
Thinking
This is what
It could be
Knowing
It is all
It would be
In the night
When you see
What i see
In the night when you feel
What i mean
You're my knight
And my dream
And my only sight
Oh you
Oh you
Stay true//
For me, it’s the beginning of chapter 6. R is almost heartbroken, and that almost comes from the part of her that still thinks that still fights the idea that she might have any feelings for that blonde idiot. Conceal, don't feel, or something. But she’s being haunted by random memories from their time together.
bonus: Snow Patrol - Make this go on forever
This song makes my heart ache and clench and oh my god--
//Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could
All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong//
This works for the sad montage thing I’ve mentioned, but it was all about this line:
//First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything//
I was listening to it on my way home one day and my eyes welled up. Because that’s what I wanted both of them to feel right then.
//And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness//
and these lines just brought the image of Neil stumbling over his words and, well, that was it. I knew it had to be done like that.
bonus: Walking On Cars - Speeding Cars
This song is about something different, but there is one part that resonated with the story:
//Even the half smile would have slowed down the time
If I could call you half mine
Maybe this is the safest way to go//
Just fits. Had to be there.
bonus: Etham - Before I lose my mind - Stripped
I think I found this one a while ago, and then it came on when I had Spotify on shuffle, and oh myyyy goooood. That heart-wrenching yearning? So, so on point.
//Look at the state I'm in
I couldn’t say where I've been
Lord knows that it ain't felt like home//
This is as much R’s song, as it is Neil’s.
//I don't know what
I've been running from, running from
Or what I thought I would find
All I know is
You're the only one, only one
I need you tonight
Before I lose my mind//
and this part:
//Don't tell me that I’m too late this time
So much I couldn’t see
With words that I didn't speak
What do I have to do to make you mine?//
This part of the playlist is just utter heartbreak and yearning, but it was only fitting. Just moments before the confession.
bonus: Nick Wilson - Let me hold you
On repeat for the whole part with Neil’s confession. This song is so goddamn beautiful, I can’t--.
//We've been there before
Reaching the end but forgetting the reason we started this for
In all of our flaws
Laid out beneath us, there's no need to keep building up these walls
(Oh we can't go on)
Just let me hold you
I'll run my fingers through your hair
Let our ghost loose
Let me know that you're still there//
bonus: Liz Longley - Rescue my heart
This, on the other hand, started playing right after, and I partially blame it for R’s breakdown. I was just staring at that line about her being afraid to lose him and I was like “where the hell this came from, girl?” and then, as I was trying to push them both further into the plot, but they kinda refused to let each other go, so I was sitting there like “you guys really needed that, huh?”
I know what it sounds like. But when I spend so much time with my characters, really fleshing them out in every possible way, they kinda develop minds of their own, and later they guide me through the dialogue parts, and even sometimes ruin my initial plans. Because they know best how they would behave right then. So all I have to do is just follow them. Or try reasoning with them. (Had a moment like that at the end of the first scene in chapter 6, like had this feeling that R just wanted to dwell on the nature of her relationship with Ives, but I didn’t want to put it there so openly, I was happy with leaving a line here and there, so I had to put my foot down pff - and it switched into that bit about friendships in general)
Right, back to the song:
//Lying to myself I can make it on my own
Making it alone is lonely
Twisting and I'm turning
Oh I'm crashing and I'm burning
So reach out your hand to me
Come down
Rescue my heart I'll drown
Without you//
This is it.
bonus: Madonna - I want you
You know, one of my favourite parts of the writing process is just bumping the ideas around, and I have been blessed to have a wonderful friend such as M, who’s always there when I need to discuss different ideas or just got a bit of dialogue I really want to share. And knowing what I was writing, she sent me this song.
And I’ve been listening to it a lot ever since, and when Neil started his confession, and struggled with words, I wrote: "I want…you.” He moved closer. “The right way.”
I stopped, staring at that line, like really, Neil? This is it? Then the next song from the playlist started playing and:
//I want you the right way
I want you, but I want you to want me too//
So I just sighed and moved on, dropping a short message to M on the way.
bonus: Welshly Arms - Need you tonight
Spotify recommends the best covers, hands down. I love the original song, but this right here? It’s everything.
//How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't take it all
What ya gonna do
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
Your moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight
'Cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat//
bonus: TENDER - Afternoon
Every song of theirs is just incredibly sensual, so I thought it was only fair to include one of those for the scene (thank you again A, their music is everything, I swear). And this one was particularly accurate:
//I'm spendin' all of my time tryna open up
Let it breathe, let it breathe
It all comes down
To whether you love me anymore
God, I hope you do
'Cause I can't tell, I can't tell
By the look in your eyes//
bonus: Layla - Weightless
Another one for that moment.
//A silver whisper, take flight and steal into my mouth
An urge to kiss you and let this secret pleasure out
Your touch so tender, a helpless roar of golden play
This youthful slender, hallucinate my woes away
We are weightless
We are invincible
Nothin' like this
Flyin' like cannonballs//
bonus: Rob Simonsen - Soft center
While I was discussing the main plot points with A, we knew there had to be a morning after scene, and she had just a song for it. Utter perfection.
end credits: Phantogram - You’re mine
I know I say it a lot, but when A sent it to me… The way I screamed. I couldn’t believe it. The story was already like 2 parts in, I think? And this song...every line was about them. Every. Goddamn. One. And the overall I just thought to myself “oh, end credits rolling right here.”
//You don't talk to no one
Don't you look at nothing
Focus on me
Look into my eyes
Come a little closer
Let me tell you something
Eat your ego honey
Honey swallow your pride
You don't talk to no one
Don't you look at nothing
Focus on me
Look into my eyes
Come a little closer
Let me tell you something
You ain't going anywhere
'Cause you mine//
And from this part it gets even better:
//I used to be a rifle
Yeah I had my distance,
Whistling like a bullet in the sky//
//I used to be a psycho
Yeah I had my demons,
Crawling like a spider up my spine//
*incoherent screaming*
And the next part took me right back to the very first scene.
//I spotted you the second I walked in the building
I knew that you had let me get you high//
Right? Right???
//I wanna hear the things you say when no-one's listening
But that don't matter anyway...
'Cause you're mine//
And that’s it.
Damn, what a wild ride that was.
Thank you for staying with me until the very end.
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Never Really Over
(a Gabriel O’Malley x Reader Insert Multichapter Fic, Rated M)
Chapter 3
The phone by your bed rings at 2:47 in the morning and you jolt awake out of a pleasant, if bizarre dream with your heart hammering inside your chest. Rolling over, you grab the receiver and focus on breathing.
“Hello, what?” You mumble, your cat’s eyes glowing yellow in the darkness from the foot of your bed. Getting a call this late at night, or perhaps this early in the morning, was never a good thing.
“Hey, I need your car. Can I borrow it?” The other voice says and there’s a pause where you try to figure out what the fuck is going on.
“My car? Why do you need my- who is this? Gabe? No, you can not have my fucking car! It is 3 in the morning and I have work tomorrow. Go away!” You yell into the receiver. But before you can hang up the phone, he sighs.
“C’mon baby please. I’m doing this job and I gotta get this body outta the way. Please (Y/N), I’ll pay for the gas and everything.” He pleads into the phone. You rub at your temple and frown.
“You are not putting a fucking body in my brand new Cadillac! Go ask Tony or David or somebody. This is your job, not mine. Zayde wouldn’t want me to get involved anyway.” You shoot back, wondering why you haven’t hung up on him.
“Tony’s busy and David’s car is in the shop. Besides, don’t you think I know that! I tried a bunch of other people before I called you. I promise I won’t get your car dirty, I won’t ask you to do anything but drive. C’mon baby I need your help please.” His voice has taken on a peculiar quality and your face floods with heat when you finally place it. He’s using his sex voice! He’s using his fucking sex voice to make you leave your house at 3 in the morning to drive him somewhere with a dead body. It was an underhanded move, he knew what that deep whisper did to you, and you clench your thighs together.
“Fine, fine! I’ll help you. But you can’t tell anyone and if you get so much as a scuff mark on my Cadillac, you’ll be joining that body.” You decide and Gabe cheers into the phone. He gives you the address and you figure you’ll be there in 15 minutes, although if you hit traffic you wouldn’t be surprised. But before you finally say goodbye, you lower your pitch as well to mimic his.
“Oh and Gabe? I’m not your baby.” The half groan, half laugh he responds with is worth the trouble.
The ride to the house where Gabe had prepared the body is pretty short, so you don’t feel too guilty about spending a good few minutes changing into a cute nightgown and brushing your hair. Gabe knows what you look like, but a little mascara never hurt anyone. Plus if you got arrested at least you’d look pretty for your mugshot.
You quietly pull up in your ‘76 Coupe DeVille, the street lamps bouncing off the red paint. Gabriel is waiting outside with a duffel, hiding in a shadow before hauling the large garbage bag over to your trunk. You join him at the rear of your car, helping him lift up the body and place it on the tarp inside. He slams the trunk closed and turns to you, long and lean.
“If that bag leaks, I’ll kill you.” You repeat, pointing your finger at him. He leans forward and playfully bites it. Scowling, you pull away and get back in the driver’s seat, glancing around the quiet neighborhood.
“So where are we going? The river again?” You ask, adjusting your mirrors before getting on the road. Gabriel’s eyes travel up your bare leg to the hem of your nightgown but you ignore the leer.
“Santa Monica.” He finally says when you hit a red light. You’re glad the car has stopped, because you turn to gape at him.
“Santa Monica? Santa Monica! Are you out of your mind? That’s like a 45 minute drive from here! I’m not taking you to fucking Santa Monica. What’s wrong with the river?” You ask incredulously, getting on the highway regardless. He smirks but wisely doesn’t comment.
“The tide’s going out tonight, it’s perfect to dump the body. It’ll be out in the middle of the Pacific by the time anyone knows he’s gone. Besides, last time I used the river, I got sick.” He points out, turning on the radio. Dolly Parton sings about someone smiling that smile and there go all her defenses. You give the radio a glare because that’s a low blow.
“Yeah, I remember.” You murmur absently, merging into another lane. You remember everything and at least Gabriel has the kindness to look abashed. You ride in silence for the rest of the journey.
You make good time to the pier, everything dark and quiet above you as you walk under the wooden beams. The Ferris Wheel sits unmoving, all the bright lights are off and the only sounds around you are the waves lapping against the dirty sand. You take a deep breath in, always having loved the scent of the beach. Gabriel grabs the body from the trunk and you take some plastic bags out as well.
“Here, put these around your shoes so they don’t get wet. You’re not getting back into my car smelling all briney.” You explain, watching him drag the garbage bag down under the pier.
“It’s fine, I brought a change of clothes. I’m gonna have to go in deep to make sure it doesn’t get stuck on the sand when the tide goes out. But hold this for me, will you?” He replies, whipping off his t-shirt and throwing it to you. Catching it with a smile, you sit on the hood of your car and watch Gabe disappear into the darkness.
You know that the body has been drained and chopped up to make it smaller, that there are weights in the bag to keep it underwater. By midmorning, that body will be in the middle of the ocean, halfway down among the fish. You didn’t know who the stiff was, but if Gabe had to deal with him, he probably deserved it.
Gabriel returns 10 minutes later, soaking wet and beautiful. The moonlight shines on his pale skin and the small ridges of muscle and bone are mesmerizing. He’s never been a wide sort of guy but there’s something so attractive about his body, in the subtleness of strength and the delicacy of his gait. He looks fucking good and you cross your arms for something to do.
Grabbing his duffel from the backseat, he takes out a towel and wipes himself down. His gold cross shimmers in the early morning light and the car jostles as he joins you on the hood. The yellow light of dawn usually turns people’s faces sallow but Gabriel glows in his success. You turn your head and watch the waves instead. You should probably leave now before the surfers and dog walkers head over. You have to be at the bank in the morning but you’re tempted to call out. You haven’t done that in a long time and considering your uncle was the bank manager, it would probably be okay.
“All done. Give me a second and I’ll change my pants. Then we can go.” He says quietly, shaking out any remaining sand from the towel. He scratches at the back of his neck awkwardly.
“Thanks for helping me with this. You didn’t have to and I appreciate it. Thanks (Y/N).” Gabe adds, letting his hand rest next to yours, pinky fingers touching. You flush at the thanks and nod, content to watch the sunrise with someone you know.
Ten minutes later you’re fucking in the back seat of your Cadillac and you’d be pissed if you weren’t so satisfied. You almost kick a hole through the car roof, you forgot how good it could be.
Once your breathing regulates and Gabe lights up a cigarette for each of you, do you actually say something other than expletives and his name.
“What was Claire like?” You ask, immediately hating yourself for bringing it up. Gabe was probably still mourning her and you didn’t want to know. Except you really did.
Taking a long drag of his cigarette, he looks over at you with a sad smile before turning his eyes back to the middle distance. You focus on the condensation left on the windows.
“She was great, she really was. She was tough; you know she was married to that guy for fucking years letting him hit her and curse her out. Never complained, never said a word against him. She stuck it out, she was resilient.” Gabe says and you can’t help but feel a little bad. No one deserved to be in an abusive marriage. In that way, you did feel for her.
“She was nice too, if you had a problem, she’d help you; no questions asked. She was one of those people that helped; a doer. That’s the resilience. She did what she had to do to stay alive. She was probably too nice for the shit she got mixed up in, but she wanted to be able to take care of herself. I could respect that.” He’s lost to his memories now and you bite your lip to keep from crying at your folly. You shouldn’t have asked.
“You know I showed her how to handle the bodies? She didn’t seem squeamish about any of that stuff, she wanted to learn everything about the business. It wasn’t darkness, not like you have, but it was a pragmatism. If she was going to be in charge, she didn’t want to be taken advantage of again.” The mention of you causes an intake of breath that he either doesn’t hear or pretends he doesn’t. You’re not sure if it’s a compliment or not. You’re also aware of the similarities between you and Claire and it makes you uncomfortable. At least if she had been your total opposite you could make peace with the fact that you would never be like her. But you two were so alike, which made your failure to measure up even more obvious.
“The sex wasn’t bad either”, he adds like one more nail in the coffin, “Yeah, she was really great.” And you’re underground with her, your bodies rotting with the worms. Gabriel O’Malley has killed you both. It’s amazing how he does it so effortlessly. Your thoughts drift to the body sinking down beneath the floam; how peaceful it must be to just lie back and let the sea take you.
You don’t cry, you just smoke your cigarette down to the filter and toss it out the window. He does the same. The sun rises higher in the sky and paints his skin golden.
“I’m sorry Gabe, I really am. I know you loved her, loved her a lot.” You finally choke out. You’re ready to go home now.
“I’m not finished (Y/N).” Gabe says, turning in the backseat to face you. He takes your hands and the tears start falling.
“Please I don’t want to hear anymore, I’m sorry I asked, I’m sorry I brought it up. You love her and you never loved me and it’s obvious now and I feel like an idiot and I just want to go home. I want you to leave me alone. Please leave me alone.” You cry, pulling your hands away but he keeps grabbing them and pulling them back. What the fuck does he want with you?
“I will if you let me explain something, something important!” He demands, his hands resting on your upper arms and shaking you once. You stop outright crying and nod.
“Claire was all those things. She was tough and hardworking and smart and so kind. But she was also a person with good and bad parts. Stuff that I needed to discover and accept about her. The thing is, I wasn’t treating her like a person, I was treating her like an ideal. I was comparing her, the real her, against the image I had created in my head. An image no real person could ever compete with. To be perfectly fucking frank, Claire was really boring.” Gabe confesses, looking tired. Your brain short circuits and you blink several times.
“Listen, I could’ve dated her and married her and had kids with her and I probably would’ve had a nice life. She would’ve been a great mom and a great wife and we would’ve been happy in the grand scheme of things. But she was just… outside of the business, we had nothing in common! We didn’t like the same music or movies, we didn’t like doing the same thing, we had nothing to talk about. The sex was good because that’s all we were doing, it passed the time. Although let me tell you, I forgot how repressed these Catholic girls are sometimes. It was a trial and a half to get her to let me fuck her from behind. It gutted me when she died, partially because it was my fault. Cathy wanted me to spare this kid, but he wasn’t a kid. He came back with a buddy and Claire got one but she didn’t know enough about this world to be prepared for the second guy. I should’ve told her, I should’ve protected her, but I didn’t. Turns out I was wrong about her, wrong about a lot of things. I realized while I was out there that the Claire I thought I wanted didn’t exist, she never existed, and it was wrong of me to compare her to the Claire I had, and to you. So yeah, I cared about her. I cared so much about her, I wanted her to be happy. But I didn’t love her, I couldn’t love her. Not the way she deserved, not in any real way.”
There is silence in the car again, the sound of gulls starting to rise with the sun. Your tears have stopped and your breathing has too. You look at him, really look at him, and it’s like a bad picture trying to come through. His edges have gone blurry and the sound of your accelerating heartbeat is becoming the only thing you can hear. Your hands are shaking but you don’t know whether it’s from the comedown or your anger or something else entirely.
“Do you mean to tell me that this whole time I have been comparing myself to a person who does not exist? That I have been letting you compare me to a woman who is so perfect, she couldn’t even measure up to herself? You left me for something that was never going to work out? Is that what you’re telling me?” You confirm, your voice tight and deliberately slow. Gabe nods and swallows.
“Let’s get into the front seat and go home, huh?” You say after you watch him squirm for a moment. You pull your underwear back on and climb over the front seat while Gabe gets out and walks around to the passenger side door. You think very briefly about killing him, there’s a gun in your purse, but you decide against it. He was working for the Godfather now and you didn’t want to take away one of his guys.
Gabe pulls on the handle of the passenger side door but it doesn’t budge. You try and tame your hair in the rearview mirror, ignoring the sound of the door handle being pulled.
“Unlock the door, let me in.” He says, the sun almost completely out on the beach. You give him a once over and start the car.
“Find your own way home asshole.” You say, before pulling out of the spot with a squeal and driving off. The last thing you do as you leave him in Santa Monica is snake your hand out through the open window, middle finger tall and straight.
Chapter Four Coming Soon....
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