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callsign-artemis · 14 days

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A/N: Okay okay so. Ive decided after starting my 100th rewatch of The Walking Dead that I need to write a fic. It’s OcxOc but the plot twist is that y’all won’t meet the Love interest until season 7 and I’m starting at season 1 because I’m here to COMMIT!! Everything has been proofread by @ebodebo (go follow her she’s amazing)

ANYWHO! Updates will probably be sporadic so I’m going to do my best to make all chapters after chapter 1 as long as possible🙏

Introducing: Wandering - A walking dead story

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Most people say they don’t remember the day the world went to shit, but I don’t think that day will ever truly unstick itself from my bones

Chapter one- the end

August 26th, 2010

The beeping of hospital monitors haunted my sleep. I’d been spending every night in uncomfortable, plastic, hospital chairs for as many nights as my mom allowed. My father Rick Grimes had been shot in the line of duty 2 weeks ago and had fallen into a coma from the blood loss. I stayed with him when my mom worked so he wasn’t alone. I’d tell him about school, keep him updated on Carl and read to him, praying he could hear me. A fresh vase of flowers at least made the room bright for when he’d wake up.

But right now I was sleeping, or trying anyway. I could feel a thin hospital blanket on me. Theo, one of the hospital's CNAs, harassed me about taking care of myself and usually I fell asleep fully clothed in their shitty chairs without a blanket.

“Peaches?” The voice behind her made Nadia practically jump out of her seat.

“Jesus Shane….you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here?” Nadia asked harshly. She never liked Shane, even as a little girl they butted heads. She couldn’t for the life of her imagine why Rick would hang out with him after work.

“Nadia we need to go. Now.” He spoke quickly, making his way to her dads bed and kneeling down beside him. “Rick, if you’re gonna wake up now’s the time man, shits going down and we need to leave.”

“Shane,” Nadia laughed half heartedly “what are you talking about?” Just when she thought he was finally losing it, gunfire started to ring out from outside the door. Shane pulled Nadia down under him as she screamed. Shane covered her mouth and she would’ve bit him in different circumstances.(I mean who the hell opens gunfire in a hospital?!)

Nadia could feel the tears start to well as Shane begged her father to wake up so they could leave, telling him that if we stayed they’d all die. After a few minutes of bargaining Shane picked Nadia up and dragged her out of the room.

“No!” She tried to push against his grip but he was incredibly strong. Nadia kicked and pulled until Shane pushed her into a hallway, begging her to be quiet or else they’d be found. She peaked around the corner, Shane pulled a gurney in front of Rick’s room. There was blood everywhere, screams and gunfire echoed down the hall. Shane grabbed her arm and they ran from the hospital, Nadia broke down when they got to his pickup.

“YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” Nadia hit Shane’s arm as hard as she could over and over and over until she didn’t have it in her anymore. She knew he was hurting too but didn’t care. He left her dad there to die.

“Peaches I had to.”

“Don’t call me peaches Shane. My dad is fucking dead.”

Shane sighed again, the truck roared to life as we peeled out of the parking lot. She stared out the window, thinking of her dad. Would he die? Would they leave a comatose man’s body to sort himself out? What if he woke up and everyone was gone?

Nadia and her father had always been close. She was the stereotypical ‘daddy’s girl’, hell as soon as she was old enough to hold a rifle without falling over she and her dad had gone hunting every season. He taught her how to cook, she knew all his favorite bands and all the words to every corny song that he absolutely loved. Sometimes when Carl was a baby she and Rick would sneak out and go to the 7/11 down the block just to get candy and rent cheesy movies to watch together….and now they’d never share those moments again.

“We’re here.”

Shane’s voice broke Nadia from her daze, she looked out the window to see her mom and brother already packed up ready to hit the road. “Go’n and pack a bag, I’ll talk to your mama and Carl.”

Carl.

He was only 10…and now he’s going to find out he’ll never see his dad again and the world might be ending?? He’ll never get those moments hunting alone with his dad as the sun breaks the day. Or watch cheesy movies with her and their dad when Nadia would be home from college. Nadia could feel the bile rising once again as she made her way past her family and into her room.

She had a typical 17 year olds room. Honestly, the floor was littered with laundry she needed to do as well as some CDs she’d rummaged through that morning. Her walls were a neon teal, they’d mostly been covered with posters of movies and bands, and paintings she’d created out of boredom. She tried to soak in every inch of her room in case she’d never see it again. As she started to pack she took a Polaroid off her wall.

“Jeez Anthony….you should be at practice right around now. Please be safe.”

She tucked the Polaroid of her and her best friend into the pocket of her backpack and kept packing. Just the essentials: a couple pairs of jeans, some tee shirts, boots, hat, dads hunting jacket, socks…toothbrush? Definitely a toothbrush. A hairbrush and a few notebooks and pens (and some comic books for Carl). She also made the decision to pack her hunting rifle in case they got stuck foraging for food, as well as a heavy knife.

She threw her bag into the back of the truck so that no one would suspect how heavy it was. Her mom and brother were crying into Shane as he had just broken the news. Or however he’d spun the story…but Nadia knew the truth that Shane had abandoned his “best friend”. Shane loaded everyone up into the truck and said they’d be headed to Atlanta and that the military would help them.

“Are we going to die?”

While it was spoken barely above a whisper, the question jolted Nadia out of her daydreamed haze. She looked down at her brother Carl who was laying in her lap.

“No baby. Because I’m going to do everything in my power to keep you safe, and so will mom and Shane.” Nadia tried her best to reassure him, rubbing his back softly. She’d instructed him to lay in her lap so he couldn’t see the panic that the rest of the world was in.

Before they knew it, they’d left King County and were headed to Atlanta. Nadia fiddled with her cross necklace, Carl had fallen asleep leaving the truck uncomfortably quiet.

The Grimes weren’t really a religious family but Nadia did occasionally attend Wednesday night Youth Group with her best friend Anthony when she was in town. The necklace was a gift from him.

Anthony. There he was on her mind again, she’d thought about calling him but Lori demanded she save her battery incase of emergency. Anthony Smith had been her best friend since middle school. They did everything together and were practically attached at the hip when they saw each other. He was a year older than her but that never mattered in how close they were.

Anthony was actually quite soft spoken, and smart as a whip. He was a tall kid, probably standing at about 6’3. He was built like an athlete, but he had to be with Track and field. They actually became friends at a track meet in sixth grade and kept up with eachother daily through AOL and Skype. And obviously only hung around each other at said meets. Anthony’s dad was a PE teacher and Coach so he definitely fueled the athletic fire in both kids. Anthony has always been a sweet kid and even when he was an asshole Nadia could never be mad at-

“Nadia! Get your head out of the clouds I’m talking!”

Nadia jolted in her seat, there she was daydreaming again. Lori was giving her daughter quite the concerned look.

“Where are we mom?” Nadia looked out the window to see full bumper to bumper traffic.

“Outside of Atlanta but as you can see we’re stuck in traffic” Shane answered from outside, with quite an annoyed tone Nadia noticed. She ignored Shane and hopped out of the truck so she could stretch her legs.

“Where’s Carl? I think I threw some comic books in my bag, I’m sure he’s bored out of his mind sitting here.” Nadia looked around and spotted Carl a few cars down playing checkers with a girl who looked to be about his age. She had a short blonde bob and a smile as bright as the sun. Nadia smiled in amusement and made her way to the car with her mom. “Someone has a cru-ush!” She teased in a sing-song voice. She yelped when Carl turned around and smacked her arm as hard as he could.

“Mo-om!!! Carl hit me!”

“Don’t tease your brother then!” She laughed. Nadia rolled her eyes and fluffed her brother's hair before sitting behind him to watch the kids play. Right as she sat down a woman came from the front of the car with waters. She was a smaller woman with buzzed gray hair.

“Oh! You must be Nadia, I’m Carol!” She had a smile just as bright as Sofias, Nadia made a mental note that they must be related. Nadia smiled and thanked her for the water, and just as she took a sip Carl enacted his revenge.

“You say I have a crush on a girl I just met when you’ve been after Anthony since forever.” Nadia showered the back of Carls with the water she had just taken a sip of and was prepared to cuss him out when the commotion started. Bombs were dropping into Atlanta.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Nadia screamed as she pulled the kids down to the ground underneath Carol’s car. She moved her body over the both of them so they would be shielded if anything came down.

The rest of the night was a blur. Shane grabbed everyone’s bags from the truck, grunting as he lifted Nadia’s particularly heavy bag. They ran into the woods with Carol, her husband Ed, and Sophia. There were screams in the distance and somehow Nadia and the kids got separated from the rest of the group. They ran until they came up on a high spot with a small clearing.

“Stop right there.” The shotgun barrel was aimed right between Nadia’s eyes. They widened with fear as Nadia put both her hand in front of her slowly.

“Sir, we’re just trying to get off the road…I have two small kids with me, please.”

The man’s aim faltered and Nadia rushed him, taking the gun and pointing it back at him. It probably wasn’t her smartest move but she had Sophia and Carl to look out for. There was a shriek behind her and Nadia whipped around just in time to shoot a man who was trying to get Sophia. Wait…what the hell?

Nadia slowly crept up to the man. He looked pale, his eyes were white and glossy and there was fresh blood around his mouth.

“Good aim kid. I’m sorry I pointed that thing at you. I just had to make sure you weren’t like him. The names Dale, you kids can stay with me and the girls tonight and we’ll look for your crew in the morning.” Dale smiled at her warmly, he was an older man judging by his white hair. But he had kind eyes and it was late so Nadia decided he could he trusted for the night.

She nodded, grabbing the kids as they headed into Dale's RV. There were two blonde girls sitting on the couch. One older one younger, Nadia figured they were probably sisters.

“Dale, who are they?” The older blonde asked, glaring at the three kids.

“Easy Andrea, the older one can take out those things like you wouldn’t believe!” Dale smiled back at Nadia. “They’re just staying for the night and…I didn’t get your name sweetheart?”

“Nadia. Nadia Grimes.”

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2nd A/N: (I will also be posting this story on Ao3 & Wattpad under Artemis Bradshaw_writes/Art_Bradshaw_Writes)

#the walking dead #ao3 fanfic #wandering #oc #Nadia Grimes having beef w Shane for no reason is actually me #zombie apocolypse au #the walking dead au #fanfic #yall I cannot wait for Nadia to get Shane’s ASS #rick grimes #carl did Nadia so dirty bring up Anthony like that but she deserved it

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gayspock · 2 years

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bro.... okay assorted thoughts from dna mad scientist

first of all i already said it but i am SO freaking in love with namtar's character design. the practical effects are so, so, so freaking good. the way he walked... literalllyyyy i hate 2 draw comparisons, but i think abt how nowadays so much shit is just cgi'd for the fucking HELL of it like... ough you could NOT get cgi that would be anywhere near as harmonious as this costume was with the actor's performance. that cunt was feeling themselves.

and in general i will say i just. like tbh i knowww ive said it a lot but its so good and refreshing how creative some of the character designs are. theyre freaking weirdoooo. WEIRDOOO. I LOVEEE it. the other little scientist... idid not catch names (thats one thing i will say abt farscape - the names are so hard to get a hang of omg lol..) BUT i liked that design too. smile. aeryn's transition was a bit iffy but HEY. cant win em all

anyways storywise itself ok. listen im goin somewhere with this. i think its just... tumblr saturation... that makes me so sick of "found family". like im sorrryyy. i mean- i dont hate it i DONT. but the way ppl discuss it on here is so... weird bc half the time it doesnt even apply, or it's like... yeah theyre guys who like each other but its kind of just a friendship group and idk to me found family is more of an emphasis on certain themes rather than just. guys who hang out % got feelings for each other but. ok sorry thats an aside rank bc...

but.. FREAKING WHATEVER ANYWAYSSSS like my point. is its like. maybe i sound like a cunt. i dont know. im not trying 2 be edgy, but i get it sounds like that its just- i feel like shitty behaviour is necessary sometimes to make it more realistic SORRRYYY LOL.... but its weirdly refreshing when its like... the point keeps being made that yeaahhh these guys ARE starting to take a bit of a shine to one another. BUT ultimately theyre all stuck in a horrible fucking situation, & theyre so desperately sick for their lives back that they'll do freaking ANYTHING and throw these cunts under the bus like THAT. like even just in recent episodes- a few of them have been willing to just leave them behind if they gotta.... like d'argo on that one planet, and rygel in the cell... they donttt give a fuck and why would they yknow

and so like watching them just. YNAK PILOTS FREAKING ARM OFF. CHRIST. like- like it makes sense man... ha ha fuck me.. it does. like shit man. you go through so much fucking horseshit. theyre just kind of having to put up with each other. theyre first year uni flatmates right now for realll, not even that, and theyve been put through some shittt. and i LIKE that. it makes sense. & i think it will make any deeper connections more organic later on

and spreaking OF ANOIAFKIWFK['PGJSEG OSMKGAOJISGJPISDJ I LOVE PILOT I LOVE PILOT ILLOVEEEE pilot... pilot,zhaan and crichton are my FAVOURITES. but pilot could sooo soo shoot up there- it depends on how much more we get to learn about pilot but aooah rughh aorigughgh eekk. eeek. smileee. sortyy. SORRRYYYYY. JUST GIGGLES. KICKS LEGS. CHARACTERRRR TO MEEEE SMILEEE YAAAYYYYYAAYAYAY

also i love what they did with aeryn this episode also and specifically her repertoire with pilot. they have a really good fucking dynamic, man. best friends despite everything. i am actually really glad i like her bc i WAS worried as... perhaps its a more mdern media lens, but i feel like characters of her background, or her baxkground adjacent, can be done ehrhrm. not very well. but i think.... thus far i really love the way the show does handle lots of little character moments in the episodes.

LIKE THATS!!! Thats what i like!! bc- SORRY, im going 2 use trek as an example bc its a. decent comparison. but u have tng, yah? and its not entirely fair- thats episodic, yknow. but a lot of ehrm the character are extremely static and kinda. shallow in tng. lIKE I LOVEEE them sure and theyre all charismatic but i think with many of them ... ehrm lac depth... and . mm its moreso theyre always there to service individual stories, rather than the story is there to service them. and sooo they have to be a little blank- bc they are basically functions, for individual eps, and sotheyre kinda ? at the whim to change from ep to ep bc of that . and we do get some character eps but due to the nature of the show... u dont get the slow release of development, building them like you do here.

and i loveee that here bc its well doneee it is. smile. the way each of them do get fleshed out in every episode and its at a pretty organic pace like ive been saying. and so i likeee aeryn bc i feel like- i feeeel like i was worried they might go too much, too fast with her and it wouldn't work. but the steadier pace.... again, i really love pretty much all her interactions with pilot. i freaking love pilot man . sorry

also love zhaan ive said i love zhaan i want more zhaan bc her concept is everything to me. grin. had 2 say that too BUT OH

on the topic of aeryn. one thing i kinda wish.... I MEAN THEY WOULDNT. AND IT WOULDDD BE FUCKING WEIRD FOR IT TO JUST HAPPEN IN SOME RANDOM EP. but goddd part of me kinda wishes that there was no hard reset in this ep. or at least aeryn had someee lingering issues from whatever that was bc christ was that fucked up. wha tt he hell giys

speaking of, i also liked the like... non-apology from d'argo. again going back 2 what i said. i think its again... i dont know. it feels all the more... natural 2 me... like he's like "oh i would do that again. for sure." and pilots like "i expected that." i think its again wht i appreciate from farscape... theyve done this a few times where its just... a very measured response from characters instead of just freakingggg... forcing them to grovel, trying to close the episode arc story in a narratively satisfying way...instead its just again like yeahh he isnt fuckin sorryyy man. and its fine. lets play freaking music

also final thought. i insist d'argo should have paws still . like lion paws. anyways

#Egg.txt #farscape liveblog

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tsurugis · 2 years

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i had my surgery last thursday!

he went ahead with a plan of putting me under and marking and prepping everything to do the thyroidectomy and full bilateral neck dissection, but first taking out the biggest lymph node and sending it to pathology. while they were doing that he took my whole thyroid out and based on those results he would either leave the neck dissection or continue. of course it came back malignant so he took fuckin eeeeverything out haha

woke up puking all over myself and having violent tremors and vaguely remember hearing a nurse trying to convince the other people waking up in that room that i wasn't fucking dying jfhfjgj

apparently I've had the most severe magnesium deficiency my surgeon has seen in over 30 years of practice lmaoooo and I've had it for a long time so i gotta figure out what thats all about and see a gi for probable absorption problems

my husband!!! is the sweetest!! most caring!! fucker ever!!!!!! really truly i love him so much he has supported me through this and everything so much it blows my mind anyone could ever love and care for me like this. and he has done such a consistent job of showing it that i don't panic and worry about him wanting to leave me for all this cancer crap and for the fact that now i look like a fucking toad with its head cut off and stapled back on lmaoooo

was in the hospital for two nights three days and not getting home until about midnight cause my iv spot lost its shit at the last minute and decided enough magnesium in the drip there halfway through my last bag it hurt like a biiiitch so we had to start a new iv but ultrasound guided because they had been drawing blood to test magnesium every four fucki g hours for the 2 nights and three days like even all night lolll and i was running out of good veins

anyways. got my drains out on monday which. were stuck as hell and they were really long and finally my surgeon had to come back in where the nurses were like wheh its stucck he just grabbed and braced himself and just jerked them out violently no hesitation on both sides i am so goddamn traumatized lolllllll holy shit it gave hard rip the skin borrowing parasite horror creature out of your throat before in goes deep vibes fukccckckkckc

staples out on the 28th and everything looks good just. huge ugly stapled ear to collar bone to ear line and worst of all the lymphedema happening under the chin and jaw is so bad still and may take 3 to 6 months to go down or it could just get. worse actually and i will probably struggle with it forever

gotta take hormone replacement every morning for the rest of my life. gotta get bloodwork done frequently for the rest of my life to monitor magnesium, calcium and vitamin d and the thyroid hormone

but i am so insanely relieved i had an incredible experienced and passionate surgeon did an impressively beautiful job avoiding damaging any of the important nerves and parathyroid glands etc so no major complications or even really minor ones as far as nerve stuff goes i am so so grateful. that could have gone way different but he did an awesome job and i also trust he more likely got it all, because pathology came back monday and the fucking cancer was all over both sides of my thyroid and in at least ten lymph nodes all over !!

i literally kept saying i hate being right when i was waking up from surgery cause i really had like just a knowing and sensing that was the case, so i was very prepared, even from the "oh honey most of these are benign don't worry about cancer" stage pfffff

so i do gotta also take the radioactive iodine pill and go through that drama to make sure we got everything but otherwise i feel the worst is probably over

#personal crap

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boysplanetrecaps · 4 months

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The Great Produce 48 Rewatch: Ep 2, Grade Reassignment Part 1

Hey, National Producer! You look great today -- have you been resting a lot and watching some good content? Anyway, when we left off with this earth-shattering earth-changing earth-touching project, we had finished watching the 94 trainees preparing for their grade evaluation. Now it's time for the actual evaluation and grade reassignment! Let's get to it!

The next portion of the show is a little irritating. First, MNET shows some of the girls recording their performances. Then they show the girls making tearful phone calls home. Then they show some of the judges watching some of the performances. Then they show some of the girls finding out their grades, while trying not to react too much so we can’t tell what their grade was. Then the girls begin walking to their new classrooms, often while blurred out so we can’t tell who is walking until multiple reactions have been shown. It’s typical MNET editing, delaying just simplifying telling you for no real reason. I mean, if they’re going to show a fully blurry body walking down a hallway, they might as well just show a blank screen, you know? Like just with a sign that says “be right back, just wasting your time”.

I asked an AI image generator to make me that picture, and this is what it came up with:

Thanks, AI-image-generator. Thraymygrator.

Anyway, given all the back-and-forth, I’m not going to recap bit by bit. I’m going to recap person by person, and give you the info on who went to which class as we go along -- during the recording segment, during the phone calls home segment, or during the "judges watch the video segment." If someone gets totally skipped over, I’ll just tell you all the rest at the end. I hope it’ll make sense as I go.

The first person we see record is Shiroma Miru, who I think of as Miru-chan.

After the first chorus, she just sort of stops dancing. The choreography -- and I think the lyrics -- have absolutely left her brain. At least she keeps smiling. She really is the cutest. Miru-chan is one of those rare cutey pies who gives me insight into why someone would vote for someone who isn’t that skilled. I still wouldn’t actually vote for her, because I vote based on merit, but I can’t help but keep cheering for her success. (I try to not use the term “root” as in “I root for her” because apparently that means something quite different in Australian slang.) Unfortunately, the judges aren’t on the same page; later on, they move her down to D class. Well, she’ll look pretty in green, right?

Wang Ke, who is Chinese but signed to a Korean label (she does her interviews in Korean), also forgets everything. She’s the one who had the red polka dots in the Celeb Five audition. She’s only 17, for starters, and it has to be so hard to learn the songs in both Korean and Japanese when she isn’t a native speaker of either language. Like Miru, she later gets moved down to D class.

Hong Yeji, one of the CNC school girls who auditioned with Kep1er’s Dayeon, forgets everything, begins to panic, and actually falls down. I want to jump through the screen and hug her. It’s obvious that she failed the test, and later on we find out that she did indeed get moved down to F class. Afterward, her classmates stroke her head and try to comfort her, but there isn’t much anyone can really say. She interviews later -- wearing a small scarf around her neck, maybe to protect her throat for singing purposes? -- that she didn’t want to look like she didn’t practice hard. My diagnosis: she might have practiced too hard, or she might have not practiced the right way.

Cue: An Yujin.

Our future IVE queen knew that you have to practice the way you’re going to be tested. So she practiced recording herself, so that she would get out some of her nervousness ahead of time. (I wonder if they all had access to a camera…? Hmm…) She had some trouble the first time she tried it, suddenly forgetting all her moves, so it helped her practice more effectively. Her performance is pretty good -- her singing is quite pitchy but her dancing is correct and fun to watch. The judges later move her up to A class.

Lovies, learn from Yujin! If you are going to be evaluated on camera, practice on camera. (And by extension: if you are going to have to write an in-class essay for your test, practice writing essays at home! If you are going to be timed while you’re tested, time yourself in practice! If you’re going to have to deliver a speech to your class, see if a friend will listen to you practice it through once. Whatever way you’re going to be tested, try to spend at least some of your practice time doing that thing. )

Son Eunchae’s audition is going great. The future-former Bugaboo member auditioned with Humble/Aing, and we saw her and her teammate joking a lot on the first day. Her singing is clear and on key, and her dancing looks great to me. The show teases us -- will she hit that high note on the line “ ‘cause you’re my star”? Dance Bae had told her that as long as she can sing, she’ll go up to A-class. She *sort of* hits the note, though she lets the strain show in her face more than she should. After she sits down, her classmate Kim Sohee from Woolim -- future Rocket Punch member who auditioned with Kwon Eunbi -- voice overs sympathetically that Eunchae made a lot of mistakes. Did she? I didn’t think so, but I guess the judges found something to nitpick too. She gets moved up, but only to B. Still, good work, Eunchae!

Lee Chaejeong, future Alice, who auditioned with Roller Coaster, can’t hit that high note (though the rest of her singing sounded good, even if she was out of breath). The judges decide to keep her in C-class.

Park Chanju, who auditioned with Chaejeong, also can’t hit the note, and just whispers the whole line instead. It must be hard to sing a note that high while jumping up and down. The judges move her down to D class.

Left to right: Huh Yujin, Park Seo Young, and Park Ji Eun

We get a little mini montage of three girls who can’t hit the notes. For all three girls, we really can’t hear any of their singing, so it’s hard to know if they’re doing ok, but all three seem tired and nervous and a little embarrassed.

On the left is future Le Sserafim Huh Yujin, getting her nanosecond of attention here. I wish we could see more of the audition and figure out what’s so wrong with it, because the judges move her all the way down to F!

In the middle is Number-One-Chair girl Park Seo Young. She gets moved down to class D.

On the right, that’s Park Ji Eun, future-ex-Purple Kiss, who auditioned in a red stripe sweater with the song Pretty U. Later on, we see the judges watching a clip of her audition and she’s basically just sort of standing there as if hoping to remember the steps.

The judges are like, “get yourself together, girl!” We find out later still that she gets moved down to F.

Next, we check in with D-class.

Up first is sweet-faced Motomura Aoi, who auditioned in that Never Ending Ferris Wheel group, the one I thought looked like a little puppy. She isn’t perfectly on key, but she’s close, and she’s dancing with a smile on her face. Aww, and the judges later reward her by moving her up to B!

We see Imada Mina, really throwing herself into it! She’s the tall one from that Never Ending Ferris Wheel group, the one with no bangs. Later on, we find out that she get moved up to C-class, so good work, Mina!

Nakano Ikumi is going for it too. She’s the one who had apparently won “best dancer” in an AKB based vote and who Dance Bae tore to shreds. It’s nice to see her really dancing! Later on, we see that the judges all smile watching her performance. Cheetah says, simply, “I like her.” As we find out later, she gets moved up to B class. Great work, Ikumi!

Very Pretty Girl Kim Minju interviews that she’s jealous of the way the Japanese girls “make their faces so bright while they dance”. That is definitely a strength of theirs. Kim Minju must also have displayed some strengths, because the judges move her up to group C. We don’t see even a nanosecond of her evaluation, though. Congrats, though! I always thought she wasn’t nearly as hopeless as Hyewon.

Han Chowon, future Lightsum, also likes the Japanese trainees’ energy. We don’t see any of her audition either, but it must have gone well because she is later moved up to B-class. I think that’s richly deserved -- I think they were way too harsh on her for her audition.

Next, we check in with the F girls.

Chiba Erii goes first.

She starts off ok, but after the first few lines, she just forgets everything -- lyrics and steps. She voice-overs that her mind just went blank. The judges decide to keep her in F class.

The same thing happens to Matsuoka Natsumi, the one with the distinctive face from the Never Ending Ferris Wheel group -- she seems to go blank. But she must have done some good stuff with the rest of her evaluation that they don’t show here, because she actually gets moved up to C class! That’s fantastic, Natsumi!

Here’s Mogi Shinobu, our living meme girl from the fashion-challenged What’s Your Name group. Oh no! She looks and sounds like she’s about to cry. She doesn’t seem to forget everything, though, and she’s not that far off key. Still love her. A little later, in an an interview, we hear a staff member asking her -- IN KOREAN? -- whether she thinks her grade can go up. (Why are they talking to her in Korean? Maybe there was a translator right there and they edited that out?) She can’t even answer. She just shakes her head no, while her face contorts into all different shapes as she tries not to burst into tears before she finally answers, in Japanese, that she doesn’t think so. Shinobu, your singing wasn’t that terrible, really, judged by the standards of this competition.

The judges, as it turns out, agree with me. As we see later, they like the way she --and other Japanese trainees, don’t stop dancing. We later on find out that she’s been moved up to D, which probably actually made her feel a little bit proud. I hope it did.

Here’s Shinozaki Ayana, also from the fashion-challenged What’s Your Name group. She forgets everything and sort of gives up, shaking her head. By the way, I noticed she has a small birthmark right under her lip, on the left side, that will help us recognize her in the future. And when we see her, she’ll still be wearing that gray shirt, because the judges keep her in F class.

Many of the F-class girls just burst into tears when they’re done with their recording, wondering why they did so badly when they practiced so hard. I repeat my comments from above -- they probably didn’t sleep enough and they probably didn’t practice the way they were going to be evaluated. I wonder if they took turns dancing alone in front of each other? That would probably have helped. When you dance in a group, you are all constantly subtly reminding each other of the choreo and lyrics. And when you dance alone, you can mess up and start over as many times as you want.

Bibian goes last in her segment. She seems to almost be crying even before she starts, and she does in fact forget most or all of the steps. She hold back her tears and keeps moving around. Later, in an interview, she shows signs of long sustained crying as she says “I realized I’m not really that talented. I’ll have to work harder to catch up.” The judges seem to agree with her -- they keep her in F class.

Meanwhile in A-class, the girls are just as tense.

They know they’re just trying to hold on to their high grade -- there’s nowhere to go but down.

Even Lee Chae Yeon, future soloist, is nervous (right), while friendly Choi Yena, who auditioned with the Everglow girls, is trying to soothe herself (left). We don’t see Chaeyeon’s audition yet. We find out that she’s hoping to the be in the center, which reminds us that the girls are not experiencing what we, the viewers, are experiencing. Like, to us it’s obvious the center will be Sakura, but Chaeyeon doesn’t know that.

From what we can see, Gaeun does great. Later on in the episode, we get to see a bit more of her audition video, and really, it looks almost perfect. She introduces herself confidently, and the judges are excited to watch her perform. She sounds a little shaky on the high notes, but Jeremy says that the song is just too high for her and that she still can sing well stably. She will keep her A status.

Na Goeun, future Purple Kiss, also does pretty well from what we can see. The stuff we don’t see must also be good, because even though Soyou scolded her a lot in class, they will keep her in A-class.

Little Lee Haeun, the “mini-Chungha,” does great. Despite a little bobble on one note, overall her vocals are pretty fantastic, even on that high note. Later on, we get to see the judges watching her video. Dance Bae says, “She’s small but she’s good.” Naturally, she keeps her A-status.

Kim Da Hye from Banana Culture seems to struggle specifically with the Japanese version. Later on, we see her as part of a montage of girls who failed to learn the lyrics in Japanese. The judges move her down to C-class.

Kim Cho Yeon, the “fire-eyes” girl, also struggles. It really shows on her face, too. When she’s done, she sits down, miserable, hoping against hope she can keep her place. Later on, we see a bit more of her audition, including when she forgets the words and dance steps and begins adjusting her hair instead. The judges all say “aigo” with a bit of sympathy, like they’re cheering for her, but they move her down to C.

Hwang Soyeon, the little Sunmi girl of the flat tummy, struggles as well, though she seems to be confident with the dance, and she tries to sing the words that she knows that are in English. When she sits down, she struggles to fight back tears, wondering what’s happening to her and all her classmates. YOU GUYS DIDN’T SLEEP, IS WHAT HAPPENED! She thinks she might lose her place. However, I, in the future can assure you that the judges will keep her in A-class. The parts of the video that we didn’t see must have been a lot better than what we did see.

Choi Yena’s face is a study in misery as she starts. You can tell that the lyrics have completely left her brain. It wouldn’t be so bad if she smiled and hummed or something, but she just sort of miserably dances in silence. For all we know, at some point she starts singing, but that’s not what we see. The evaluation isn’t perfect, but it isn’t a complete failure either; the judges move her down, but only one grade, to B-class.

Kwon Eunbi also dances in silence, though she tries to put on a braver face. (I couldn’t get a decent shot of her dancing, so I used this one since at least you can see her face clearly.) We later on see the judges watching her audition, and it does seem that she doesn’t sing a single word of Japanese. The judges are relatively kind and just move her down to C.

And I can't fit any more pictures in this post, so I won't include a shot of Sakura, but I think by now you know what she looks like! From what we see, she does pretty great in her evaluation performance. Her voice isn’t perfect, but in the parts we see here, she’s a lot better than some of the other Japanese girls. In the clips we see, she seems to know the lyrics in both languages, and she seems to know the dance and to perform it well. During the judges’ evaluation, we can see that she introduced herself in Korean. The judges are complimentary, though in this clip we can hear that her singing is a little… I don’t know, reedy. Thin. Pitchy. The judges like how she looks right at the camera, though. She keeps her A status.

And that's all we see for now of the video re-evalutions! In the next post, we'll see the girls phone calls home as well as some of the judges opinions of the girls' performances. Thanks as always for reading and see you soon!

#produce 48 #bpr recaps p48 #sakura #kwon eunbi #choi yena #ive #le sserafim #purple kiss #askb48

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lovelydownfalls · 1 year

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life update

the last life update i posted was over 4 years ago what the heck!! i just graduated college & got my degree! 4 years ago i was just starting college, moving out of my childhood home into the dorms, i had absolutely no idea what to expect, i was a completely different person then. i was naive, timid, and spent so much time trying to figure everything out & make sense of this entirely new phase of life. now, after seeing how much ive endured & overcome & struggled, i’ve gained so much confidence in myself and my abilities. i still do deal with self doubt from time to time because i got so used to that being my default mindset for so long, but i’ve learned how to speak up and ask for help, whether that be in school, work, mental health wise, etc. i feel like now i’m genuinely happy with my life and who i am. i’ve realized how much i enjoy challenging myself & learning new things. there have been so many changes happening lately & i’ve been doing everything i can to enjoy the chaos instead of just waiting for the storm to pass & assuming everything will magically be perfect & stressfree in the future. i’ve been doing my best at leaning into the unknown instead of going against it and adding to the anxiety.

in the fall i’m starting grad school in a new state and i have absolutely no idea what it will be like. change always freaks me out but i know i’ll figure it out and whatever happens, happens!! this past semester i spent hours on applications and preparing for grad school interviews, the experience of getting into grad school has been an absolutely insane experience. i went from never having had a serious interview, to doing 15+ interviews & at this point i feel like a pro when beforehand i was scared shitless of all of the unknown. i flew for the first time in my life all by myself to a state i had never been to, i’ve had to lean on my years of therapy & use all my little mindfulness tips & tricks. when i was 15 in support groups for behavioral therapy, i absolutely would have never imagined that i would be referencing those same practices in my grad school interview almost 10 years later. so full circle!! obviously with interviews you have to sell yourself & doing so many of them totally made me realize how resilient & fucking awesome i am!!!!!! i’ve gotten so used to putting myself down & discreditng all the hard work ive put in these past 4 1/2 years & god damnit i did great. after being in STEM and being surrounded by brilliant people, i never felt like i deserved a seat at the table. i genuinely felt like an idiot with zero confidence in myself for a lot of my time in college & then managed to brush over the really great presentations i’ve done or the surprisingly high exam score that i’m not sure how i got or the reference letters from professors that genuinely believe i’m worth putting a good word in for. anyways!!! life is crazy how it all ends up working out & i need to keep that mind during this next phase of my life :-) cheers to graduating! cheers to being a badass bitch! cheers to being a women in stem! cheers to getting into grad school! cheers to being 6 years clean from self harm next month! cheers!!!!!!!!!!!🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

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janedoe-ing · 2 years

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life update: i got into my dream uni!

i can't believe it that i am going to be studying my dream course in my dream uni in 2 weeks. TWO. FREAKING. WEEKS. and it's physical classes too TT (it has been so long having ODL i forgot what it feels like studying normally)

everything is just out of place rn, haven't bought anything yet for uni, haven't listed it, i have jpj in 2 days, haven't self enrolled yet, I FEEL LIKE I AM ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

but anyways i do am grateful for the chance i've been given to study there, it's definitely hard to get into there, and my friends have gotten their results too. but it's sad seeing some of my friends who deserve to get a place in their university of choice but didn't due to UPU. idk how it works or how it exactly function, the system is super confusing to me. like ive seen people with 4 flat and straight A's but not offered anything or any unis. like what the hell?

and yeah, i hope they got their opportunity to be in their dream uni bcs my friends deserve the best.

since degree is coming like really REALLY soon, i have a few aims to achieve during my whole degree and even hopefully it will stay for the rest of my life:

practice performing my solat early

reading quran or at least al mathurat everyday

not comparing myself to others and work efficiently but at the same at my own pace and stability

improve my driving skills

revise anything everyday, at least a little

do lecture notes before the lecture itself

revise the next topic BEFORE the class so i wouldn't be lost or clueless

be more active physically and improve my health

meet new people + enter activities

hopefully got to be an emcee again in malay (who knows, im quite rusty now though :/ )

cover my aurat more and more on my own pace

try not to talk shit abt people (THIS IS THE HARDEST ONE SO FAR)

so far that is my aims and i hope to not be swayed or anything in my degree years, i really need to work hard, considering i am studying with all these geniuses in one place, which i am NOT.. yikes. idk i hope i can get through this, right?

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inmomni · 2 years

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No. 20

Dear _____.

8/4/2020 - 5:50pm

It's been 2 days since we ended things...

I miss you already.

I've been listening to music nonstop.

I feel like I am the biggest simp, but idk if you knew that since ive been with you since the time I knew you. I realized that with everything that happens in my life that is noteworthy, I really want to share it with you. I have been recently training to follow the Korean doctor. And I've been really wanting to tell you. It's been hard hahaha. The work. Well everything else too but the work specifically. I have to keep like 7 timers in my head at all times and think of the best way to order those timers and future timers, while at the same time listening to everything going on in the background, and literally everything. So I'm learning slowly hahaha. Today was day 2 of training. For the week. So I'll be training next week and practicing when I can. Anyways. Things are hard. Overall. I called up Kris and Ian yesterday. After work. Honestly. I decided to drink and smoke after work. I know that goes against what... What I need to do to get back to you. But. I. It just hurts to much. And. Yeah. I miss you so much. I'm at tears when I'm thinking about it. Honestly this training at work couldn't come at a better time. I'm trying to jump start myself to help train to get better at following the doctor. So I'm trying to work more hours and practice as much as I can. But honestly this is just at work. When I get home I just collapse. I don't have the energy to face my family. Nor do I want to talk to them. Idk. After we ended things. I called my dad to come pick me up.

That was a mistake.

I just felt more alone at that point. He had to go get gas and wanted me to order food from Kokos to-go to take home but. That delayed the trip 1 hr and I was dying the entire time. And we got home and he thought that a beer was going to fix it. But he was just trying to control the situation as he normally does. And my mom didn't get it. Idk. She.

Gah I'm starting to think I'm deaf. Or crazy. Cause I try listening. But I just don't feel like they get it. Maybe it's my insecurities. Idk.

But I can't help but keep thinking if you're okay. If you're safe.

If you're surrounded by people you love. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit to how much I meant to you. But that may just be my insecurity again.

I wish I wasn't so in my head. I wish I wasn't so weak. I wish I could just run towards what I knew was important right now.

I feel so broken.

But I know I can't feel like that.

And I can't afford to feel like that.

And I can't get you back if I do feel like this.

But I do.

And I don't know. How to pick myself up

To love myself.

Even right now I'm killing myself in my mind for being drunk right now. For being high right now. In the middle of a park. After work. Without anyone knowing. Other then you I guess. I don't think I am worthy of being loved. Idk. It's been harder to think otherwise after we ended things. Which isn't what the plan was. But. Idk.

I miss you.

8:45pm

I'm on my way home now. I told my family that I'd be hanging out with my friends but I was alone all day. Other than calling Caleb. I talked to him for about an hour and half. But I was just exploring LA myself after work. Echo Park is really pretty. If we. We should try to go there some day. I think you'd really like it. Idk. I'm simping on the bus too. Idk. Sigh. This sucks. I miss you.

8/6/2020 - 5:19pm

Hi.

I miss you.

It's weird.

It comes in waves...

It doesn't just sit. But its always in flux,

getting bigger and bigger, then suddenly grinding to a halt - leaving me dazed and heavy, as if all of the inertia of emotions crash into the front of my head. Lifeless. Suppressed by vacancy. I'll think of things. Like Disney. Cause one of my patients. Yeah...

I haven't talked to my parents in a couple of days. I've been in my room constantly. I haven't felt this alone before. And maybe I'm sick because I still don't think anyone gets it. And. I wish I could just fix this and come back to you. I'm cleaving onto work. Its going by quickly these days. I feel dead inside. And I can't imagine what you must be feeling. Maybe. This is my way of self harming by thinking like this. But I'm thinking that you're okay, not torn up, which doesn't make sense. But throughout the day I'll get thoughts that you don't care. Which undermines how much you must be hurting right now but.

8/9/2020

Dear _____,

It's been now a week since we ended things. And I know I said that I'd contact you after to kind of close things out but. Honestly. I can't bring myself to call or text you right now. Love I'm such a wreck right now. Even you'd be shocked if you saw. I don't know how to do this. It's been harder to breathe lately. My chest feels heavy and tight. I'm just thinking if you're feeling the same. Or if you feel lighter.

8/12/2020

Dear _____.

I've tried to quit like 3 times in the past week. And I've made so many deals with myself.

I am starting to feel hopeless. Well I don't know. Everything hurts. I'm trying to work more. But that just fills up time. Everything. Hurts. I feel. I miss you so much. I miss you so much. My lungs feel raw with every breath.

8/13/2020

Dear ______.

I'm at work right now, and I was doing okay, but I just heard your ringtone for the first time since. My stomach is on the floor right now. Hahaha I just. Stopped in my tracks. It hurts a lot.

I finally changed my wallpaper today.

It's funny that I keep writing these. Maybe I'm hoping I'll be able to show you one day. I don't know. I need to go back to work.

Hey. I'm off work now. I was just thinking. I imagined the worst case scenario for us. You know. I get heavily addicted. You know the rest. But I never could have imagined. I mean I knew it would be miserable. But. Honestly.

I didn't think. That it would literally hurt to breathe every single time. Or that things that remind me of you wouldn't just be a memory, but a bullet wound. Wincing at everything that reminds me of you. Today, every time there was a bad patient, a wonderful one with whom I had a long and meaningful conversation. You were part of all of it. And I didn't even get to... Maybe it's. I did know it when I had it, maybe I just miss it so much since it's gone. Maybe I did think you'd be there always. I don't know, I know that I didn't think that. And I talked to myself like that so I wouldn't take advantage of you. But. I don't know. Just thinking you're not going to be there. Or that you might not. My heart breaks. Every time I think of you. I just blocked you on Facebook. I've been noticing you've been posting pictures of you and Yoshi. It's been hard to think that you're.... Deleting me from those memories. Cause. Yeah. I hope you're doing okay. I don't know if you are. You're probably not. But my mind is telling me that you are doing the best you have in 3 years. Because I'm not with you...

I've been hating myself more these days.

Baby I miss you so much. And I hate myself for not being able to get out of this. What. What if I finally get into a facility. And get clean the expensive way. And I do all of this. And...and. You moved on.

I haven't been trusting myself that I love you for a long time. Because I haven't dated. And the things you'd tell me. About how your ex's would do things and always want to be with you. But I wasn't like that so you didn't feel wanted. But. I finally think that I know. 200% now that I do love you and you were the one for me and I was thinking of that all along. Cause of how much it hurts right now. Because of how much... Mindy I want to die. I don't have any hope right now. I don't. And I'm trying to find it.

I need someone to help me. I can't do this on my own... I can't do this anymore... I don't know what to do anymore...

8/15/2020

Dear _____.

I was hospitalized yesterday again. For DKA again. I wish you were there. I was in so much pain, like the most I've felt in a while. And in a way. I kind of miss it right now. Except for the nausea. And the vomiting. But the pain. Finally seemed to match my feelings inside. I tried really hard to not blow up at people. But. I. It's hard. Cause... I don't know what's wrong with me. I hope you are drawing people closer to you. Not like me.

I blew up at Kris and Ian too yesterday. We were supposed to go to Joshua tree. But. I didn't know we were going. I didn't want to go. And I got hospitalized. And I was so stressed. And they were trying to get me to them to go. And it was just so. Stressful. I came home by Uber. I needed insulin cause these dimwits at the hospital were pumping me with glucose and not insulin for like over an hour. And that made me so angry. And it made me realize that I don't feel heard with anything. And I realized that. You were the only one I felt safe with. I just didn't know it either because I was on guard so much. You did make me feel safe. But my experience with every other person, namely my dad, made my insecurities something else. I couldn't stop crying last night. I. I screamed at my dad yesterday. I was so. He was literally ignoring what I was saying right in front of me. Like I was so stone cold sober that I could see everything. And all the potential damage over the years. Literally he asked me what I needed from him. And I told him. And he. It's literally the shit I did to you. But he didn't get it. And he never will. I saw that so clearly yesterday. And. After reflecting on all my relationships other than you. I have never fully opened up about my hurt since Caleb in highschool. Other than you and Caleb and not even Caleb, there was no one that took the time to understand or be there for me. My mom was dealing with her own shit. No one at church cared. My dad never understood. And I would lie to myself saying that he did understand and he did hear me. But year after year I still was not understood. Maybe I'm just crazy as shit. Deranged as shit to this point where I can't trust anyone. And I don't know what to do. What do I do with all of this hurt and pain. Why is God not showing up. If he's supposed to be the father that understands all, all of human experience. I wonder if he understands how to be a diabetic. Or if all the relations are indirect. What it's like to constantly be under stress. Or. Maybe his shit was worse. So that's that. I mean. Your mom died. And you had to deal with that. By yourself. Isolated. I can't imagine what that must have been like. Then to add additional trauma. Who am I. Right? What is my shit compared to you. Or my dad. Probably feeling abandoned by my grandparents. Came to the states. And had to provide for himself all throughout college. Never taking handouts. And graduated and built this life for himself. Or my mom. Dealing with mental illness when no one else understood. Or knew of that. Who am I. I'm just some insignificant little shit who can't deal with the world and has to stay high all the time to do or function. Otherwise I get swallowed by my thoughts. But no one gets that.

Since I've been so high functioning.

That's my. That's what people know me as. Any less. It's. Not acceptable. And I'm not doing my best.

Maybe I just can't deal with it. Maybe I can't deal with anything. My brain is just so soaked in shit.

I miss you.

I need- I miss you.

8/16/2020

Dear _____.

I've nearly succeeded in pushing everyone away from me. It hurts. But at the same time. It feels right. I feel protected and so exposed at the same time.

I'm waiting on people to give up on me. Maybe so then I could kill myself and it wouldn't be so bad. That whole idea of... Yeah.

Today marks 2 weeks since. And things have just gotten worse. And I don't know what to do. I've been crying a lot lately hahaha. Like a lot. Like I'll just burst any given second. I don't want to be here anymore.

I don't want to keep hurting and struggling. Am I pathetic for not being able to handle this? If I die, will it justify everything I'm saying? Or further solidify the fact that I was just some mentally incapable fool that did nothing but waste resources.

8/21/2020 - 11:45am

Dear _____.

This is actually the first time I've been awake without being awake for work.

I've been...avoiding. To say the least. This week has just been work. Literally. I did nothing else other than work. I'm getting trained to follow for Dr. Roe. I had my first afternoon doing it on my own hahaha. I think the doctor likes me. He's been teaching me too how to scribe for him and stuff. More work on his part so I appreciate it. But it also means he's okay with me being his assistant too.

Why can't I find the same validation I find in work in everything else. At work. Well. I don't know actually. Maybe I'm working so hard because I'm so afraid of being useless.

But.

I've been. I hope you're doing better than me. I really mean that. I've been crying all week. I still.

Baby I miss you. And I'm so ashamed to face you at this point. I just. Part of me hopes you threw me away at this point.

I'm really fucked up. And. I don't see. I don't have any hope. And I have been. Trying. In my own way. In. Fuck. Like I have been. GOD. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO JUSTIFY THAT. I HAVE BEEN IN SO MUCH PAIN. AND THE ONLY THING I. AYE. MEEEE. I CAN HELP COPE IS TO BE ASLEEP. DRUNK. UNCONSCIOUS. BECAUSE. I AM IN THAT MUCH PAIN. and why do I feel like no one gets that.

I've cut off my parents. That's new. I tried. With my dad. I really did. I realized that. I really wanted to trust him. And I did trust him. To carry me. To be there for me. Cause I didn't. I didn't trust anyone else. I kept all my eggs in one basket cause I remember thinking: "if I really am backed into a corner, my dad will understand."

Well fuck that. And that's where my insecurity came from. I have fucking daddy issues.

And. I. I'm just tired. Ian and Kris are i don't know, fucking butt hurt. I'm not talking to my parents. Caleb and Tony. Don't make me laugh. Rob. Same shit. Josh. I don't know.

I am alone.

I've been listening to Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi on repeat.

I know. What a fucking simp

Yeah.

"I'm going under and I feel this time there's no one to save me."

That's the first line.

8/27/2020

Dear _____.

I just passed by Anza and Del Amo on the bus. I don't know if you know... You probably don't lol it's an intersection that I pass driving to Adrianne's house. My heart is still. Hurt. And raw. I know I haven't written in a while. But I think I tried to stop thinking about you. It didn't work obviously. But. Yeah. I went to SJ last weekend to hang out with Caleb, Josh, and Tony. It's interesting. Tony is more of a person I can talk to now. He's at a place in his life where he is trying to become a better person. Be someone that he loves himself and is proud of, prioritizing his own happiness and finding ways to accomplish that. Josh is in the process of recovering from a toxic environment. His startup failed and apparently he had a bad relationship with his business partner Felix.

I don't know. Just. After thinking and focusing on my pain so much. I came to realize, I don't know if this is the right way but I came back to the point of saying that "my shit is in a sea of shit." Not in like a bad way I think, meaning that I am acknowledging my own hurt, but now the question shifted from "fuck everyone else and look at my pain" to "I want to scream and yell and make everything about my pain, but literally everyone is going through something and has gone through something, so...

Now what.

What do I do with my pain while still surrendering the selfishness I so desire and want to exude. What is the mature way to go about handling my pain, even when everything is so painful. Even when I'm contemplating going to a facility.

8/28/2020 - 5:30am

I'm going to work.

I was really low in the middle of the night and stupidly I asked my dad for help again. And seeing things, how he's going about his protocol... I'm tired. I feel like a piece of shit.

8/28/2020

Dear _____.

I just finished work and I'm waiting for my last bus in Torrance. I don't know what to say to you. I've been rehearsing a message in my head for so long. I don't know how it will come off to you. Tomorrow is a. Significant day for you. And I don't know if I should text you or not. Or try to call you.

It's the day your mom passed away. And I made sure to have it in my phone to remember every year. And I just got the notification. And my heart is now heavy. I've been dying for the past month. Since we ended things. Like. I feel like I know myself more but at the same time I don't know what I am becoming. I'm so full of anger and resentment towards my family and my past that I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have just been sedating myself. Day after day so I don't think or feel. Now I'm listening to a song called "Lost without you" by Freya Ridings

8/30/2020

Dear _____.

I. am full of so many emotions. but that isn’t your fault.

9/3/2020

Dear _____.

Time is going so slowly. Addiction sucks because even when you want to stop. Even. when you're so disgusted in yourself, you can't. I'm hungover right now at work. Because I couldn't sleep last night. And I am hating myself for it and wondering what the hell I'm going to do at home. I just want to fast forward to... I don't even know what to look forward to anymore. I'm beyond nauseous. I hate nausea. I'm so tired. Of micromanaging my mood. My body. How I feel. I just want it to stop. Everything.

Just stop. Silence. Peace. Calm.

9/16/2020 - 11:20pm

Dear _____,

I miss you

But that’s normal. You were my best friend, my person, for over 10% of my life, and quantifying it that way just makes it seem a lot more significant. But honestly, i don’t know if we’re doing this right, well I don’t know period, but. Its hard, just re-reading what you sent me, and I don’t know if you feel the same way either with what I wrote. I talked to Roy today about, well, everything I couldn’t tell anyone for a couple weeks now. I- well, he mentioned that moving out and getting out of this environment might be something that I should consider as its something within my grasp and something that I can control.

And I’m thinking that I can’t afford it. I’d need roommates, a car, and insurance. All which my paycheck would maybe barely cover. But, a;kfjsl;kfjsadl;kfjsal;f. Goodnight.

9/26/2020

Dear _____.

Have you forgotten about me yet.

It's a thought that I'm juggling around lately. iOS 14 came out. It's making things harder more recently because my phone is just full of you.

10/28/2020

Hey _____.

It's been a month since I talked to you. I keep finding myself checking on your Instagram. Cause your active there. And for some reason. You unblocked me.

I know you did it a while ago. But. Why?

I... I'm still. In the same place. I feel. I hope you're doing better. Seems like you are. I'm scared you'll leave me in the dust. Because. That would mean I was just the one holding you back. And. That's what I think... These days. I've managed to push everyone away. Hahaha... Yeah. I'm just looking at myself. And thinking of all that you suffered through. You were the only one that cared about me that I was confident that you did.

Yet.

I pushed you away to.

And I feel like. I'll never deserve you. Or see the day that I'll be okay enough to have you again.

I'm sorry

I'm terrible.

I miss you.

11/07/2020

Hey _____.

I miss you like crazy. It really hasn't changed since August. I don't know about you. I hope you're doing better.

I. I haven't been writing to you because it's been really painful to think. Really. Everything still reminds me of you. I hope Yoshi's still okay..

11/29/2020

11:40am

Hi _____.

It's been a while since we've talked. Hahaha this is a record...

I actually spent a dream. Going over this message over and over again. Which is why I'm messaging you now.

Ummm. I hope you've been well and healthy. And happy.

I just have so much to apologize for. My mind's more in a settled place than a couple months ago... Well I had more to think through and such. So I was hoping, whenever you're in the area, that we could talk again if that's okay with you.

I see why you said sorry when you texted me last time. I don't feel like I have any right reaching out, jeopardizing any progress that you may have made, but at the same time how conceited of me to think that. So in recognizing that you're doing your own thing and being fully capable of handling things, I'm reaching out.

I hope you've been finding more pockets of time to...

I miss you. And I realize how much I did depend on you for things. And I'm sorry. For putting so much on you.

I hope we can talk soon... And if not that's okay too.

Okay, bye.

11/29/2020

8:33pm

i can’t believe it was you all along

cause the moment you left, so did my breath

i didn’t steward my gifts correctly

not realizing that what was here

was the thing i most desired.

Your safety, love, i rejected

how could i not recognize it?

Because it was foreign,

never attainted, never expected

and furthermore

never fulfilled.

But there it was,

labeled by me, whose vocabulary

only went to the extent of

“needy”… How-

wisdom is folly to the fool.

You took me through boot camp,

and i had the audacity to call it

“traumatized”, well in a sense yes,

but 20/20, looking back,

started the foundation for me not to follow down the same marriage problems as my parents.

You…

were a mirror.

I, saw myself,

flaws and all, removing the smoke from my misconceptions.

From my broken ideals from life that were indeed passed down

from a broken individual,

from whom you saw issues,

from which I was shaken, but shrugged off.

I didn’t believe it.

“Your dad controls a lot of your life”

“He makes a lot of decisions for you”. . .

You were right.

and as I type that i choke up at the memory of you gloating. With a smirk, looking as lovely as ever.

Cupping your ear as if you didn’t hear me the first time.

Just to earn an encore and a kiss.

i miss you. And I’m sorry.

You were the plugs in my insecurities

but without knowing, i called it suffocating.

You know what i miss the most?

Having the option… No rather seeing your mad face when I didn’t tell you I was in the emergency room.

I was hospitalized. and all i could think about, through the sweat, vomit, and burring in my chest, was the image of you, sitting in the chair across from me, holding my hand, concerned.

I miss that. I think. I did that once. With you.

I was so stupid.

I’m sorry.

I miss you.

12/6/2020

4:12pm

Hey _____

About Wednesday. I've been giving it a lot of thought, thinking about my intentions and what i'd want to say. But it just all really boiled down to the fact that I just want to talk to you. Don't get me wrong, I do have things I want to say and thank, there is still purpose in me wanting to talk, but I think I'm in a place where I'd be prone to just share everything I want. In short, very emotional. Lol. Which. Thinking about you, and thinking realistically about who you are too... you'd eat it up as well. Just being the caring and having been someone you cared for.

Um, I've been back and forth on this so much since I messaged you- because honestly I do miss you. But I want to wait. Until I have more pieces on the table.

The next time i hopefully see you in person is when ill have a date for rehab to share with you.

But to further explain.

Since we broke up, I isolated myself.

Friends.

Family.

Me myself and I every day.

I have been learning more and more about myself. Looking at my family from a distance, seeing what I would want and need in a friendship. Who I consider friends. It's been tough to say the least. Drinking and such has been. Interesting throughout this process. And hopefully I'll be able to tell you one day.

But, as much as it doesn't seem so its all been more or less calculated hahaha, I guess.

I've been silently mobilizing forces.

Thinking up war plans at 5 in the morning, while taking the bus to work. I've been communing with God too. Don't get me wrong. I'm still pissed at him. But. He's been injecting... dreams into my head. Of who I could be, where my talents are, and how I could utilize them to the best of my ability. My job has been highlighting my strengths. Even a place where they are praised and recognized by my peers. I know what I was built to do. Well, I think I do at this point. I've been affirmed by patients as well. I'm going to be a powerful doctor. A good doctor. Someone who could mobilize resources in a moment's notice. Practical and helpful resources. To meet the needs of those who don't have the ability to. The distance I could reach. I can see it. For the first time hahaha.

I have major daddy issues I've learned, to put it lightly. And maybe obviously to you. And it's led me to major pains and hurt in my life that I didn't know was a part of me. I haven't talked to my dad in close to 3 months. Actually. Causally. Still living under the same roof. But I managed to isolate myself at home, not speaking to anyone beyond a hello, goodbye, or goodnight. I had so much stuff appearing all at once, it was an absolute shock. The pain and dismay was incredible.

I ditched Kris and Ian as well... And along with that, Nathan. Something happened. And I just never reached out again. Neither did they. Which. I don't know....

So that's been around happening since that same time as my dad. And naturally, Inae, and my mom as well.

Tony, Caleb, Isaac, and Josh. I've been. Not talking to them either much. Maybe only a handful of times since August.

So see. The amount of things I have stored up to just share, just for someone to listen.

And you're that person I want listening.

Because after you left, I realized that I did let you in. Well, more than I ever did with anyone else. As much as I did push you away, you were my best shot at anyone coming close. And I wanted to let you in, while still petrified of this foreign concept. And I'm scared that now I know what I'm missing, that I'll just share too much. Just to maybe get a taste or a glimpse of what my heart has been looking for. But.

I've done this before.

You always wanted something concrete. Like "I will quit 'insert date and plan'". Not cause you're demanding, but in dating an addict, was something that left you guessing and unsure. So in my first step.

To win you back. For the long term. I don't know how this will play out. If you'll even want to. If you'd move on. But. I guess just right now this is what I want to do.

So.

When we meet in person is when I'll tell you when I'm going to rehab. And by that time, all of this that I want to share with you will have a point.

Right now. It's all a feeling. I have a plan. But I've always had a plan. And I don't trust myself either. But I'm preparing things to get moving earliest by mid January. Latest by February.

I want to give you hope. And proof. For the first time in such a long time. To, yes, show you who you invested in, and who I could be, who you saw me as.

I miss you. And I love you. To the moon and back.

12/20/2020

8:33am

Dear _____.

My heart still tugs when I use your name. It's been about 4 months now. And.

12/25/2020

3:08pm

Merry Christmas _____.

Umm. I think this is my first Christmas without you in 3 years? Maybe 4? Umm. It doesn't feel the same ahahh. Obviously. I miss your excitement about the holidays. I don't seem to have any. It sucked looking for gifts this year, with the small voice in my head still saying "Mindy would like that."

Wow I'm really depressed today. I didn't expect this.

My hair's getting long. I don't think you'd like it honestly.

How long... I'm lost. I feel like I'm fooling people again.

I still miss you. I still wonder if you're thinking about me. When should I stop? Because I don't think I want to. And it's just setting me up for a bigger fall later. I just want to ask you everything. And. Just talk to you.

Merry Christmas. I hope you have a joyful day.

01/03/2020

8:21am

Current BAC: 0.081%

Hey love.

It's about T-18hrs until rehab. And I know I have tendency to make it dramatic but. It feels that way to me.

I miss you.

And I'm sad that you didn't. No. That was my fault. To be honest. I didn't expect rehab to happen so suddenly as soon as I reached out. I guess that's expected of the facilities. If they see that you're a good fit for the program, why would they wait. So I apologize for...springing things on you. I didn't realize I didn't have that much time either. I wish I contacted you sooner. But. At that time my head was still going back and forth, well more forth than back, but again I didn't have a solid answer. Just a motive.

I still think about you every day.

I still have a picture of us in my wallet.

I want to apologize for rejecting the care you gave me. And then accusing you for not caring in the first place.

I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I didn't know what care looked like and I just dismissed it as "clingy" or "sensitive". I've seen the way that this has hurt you. And I'm so sorry for the fact that I see that I didn't have the facilities to see/accept that.

Regarding me letting you down, specifically in the corney romantic department. Again. You want these things, and you find that love and affection is shown best in these gestures. I couldn't see that this is a way of showing care for someone. I didn't get it. Why. So over the top, so embarrassing... But it's not embarrassing. It's sweet. And I realized that if you did the same for me, it would take a lot for me to see the love before the embarrassment I feel or something so substantially superficial.

I have a lot I think I can do better now.

You are the only one for me.

And I know that.

So much more clearly now because I've experienced what it's like without you. Like I've said before, you are the best thing that has happened to me, and I want to make sure that I keep it. I am going to find you again.

And it will be so much better now that you see the things that I will have done and changed first and foremost for myself.

Love, I can't wait to tell you about my dream.

I can't wait to tell you about the passions that are stirring in my heart.

I want to grow with you. I want to show you that you did invest into the right person. That you're hope was not misplaced.

I don't know what to expect.

I'm letting go of nicotine, marijuana, and alcohol all in one go.

I'm sure you're thinking about what this means for you in the future.

I... I can't ask that of you. And that's something that will remain and outstanding variable. Until I ask you in person.

I still love you. And I won't let go until you tell me otherwise.

So until then, I hope you are well. I hope your family is healthy and safe.

To the moon and back.

PS.

Not one of my friends answered when I called today. I'm going tomorrow at 2pm to rehab. But I'm spending a half day at work. So.

I miss you.

I wish you were here... But at the same time. I'm glad that you're not....

I wouldn't want you to see me like this.

-.-----.-._.-------._.---------.--------.----._.-------

0 notes

amazingphilza · 3 years

Text

twitchcon :: cc!multiple x reader

fluff , platonic , gender neutral ! some mcyt headcanons if you were to attend twitchcon w them

cc’s included in order: tommyinnit , tubbo , ranboo , wilbur soot , philza , technoblade

cw: kinda lengthy for the minors (i think), not as much for the hags LMAO /hj

tommyinnit

this man is so excited to be at his first twitchcon & being able to hang out with all his best friends makes it a hundred times better

when he isn’t at a panel or doing meet & greets, he’s dragging you everywhere to see the whole convention center (clingyinnit)

he is just so at awe despite this not being his first convention to attend

you’d be surprised he gets tired pretty quickly & stops over to the partner lounge

you both rest for a bit against a wall in a pretty packed hallway despite it being an exclusive area to twitch partners

every time a famous streamer walks by he will yell it out and record it then vlog your reaction, even if they’re surrounded with bodyguards & trying to get to another place quickly

he’d zoom in his camera to their face at a horrible angle and be like

“oh my god it is THE ninja. ninja famous fortnite player, HELLO.”

but he gets completely ignored

then the camera pans out to you, still really zoomed in that the capture is blurry

“ninjainnit?”

“EH?”

tommy is so confused, forgetting the bit ninja did on his twitter where he renamed himself ‘ninjainnit’ for a split second

okay tommy isn’t that athletic but he will chase you and the rest of your group down a hallway if he had to

he’d probably find a toy gun from the artist alley/seller booths and shoot you and wilbur with it

but if tommy stumbles across any of the dream team, it’s about to be minecraft manhunt but irl

and he will def play his stream music while walking or smth when he’s bored (or trying to jump dream & sapnap)

** DO DO DO DO MANHUNT MUSIC **

oh my god,, now thinking about it he’s probably the one to open like random doors of empty rooms and steal stuff while you film him

like he will take a random empty glass, a bunch of pens, a freebie t-shirt, everything he sees he takes with him and you’re just panic

“tommy we’re literally not supposed to be here, and i’m stuck here filming you. it’s surely a felony in action”

“well, it’s their fault for leaving the doors open! plus this is great content. who’s the dirty crime boy now, HM?”

you’d tell wilbur about this and he’d scold tommy and threaten him with the same pen tommy stole

tommy probably would also drag you some weird event happening outside twitchcon along with tubbo and ranboo

“pokimane is giving out free pizza to everyone if we go to this one restaurant down the street!”

“we are literally gonna get bombarded. have you forgot you’re like three of twitch’s top streamers? i’d rather pay for all of our meals than try getting free pizza from pokimane against all her other fans”

“DEAL! let’s go to five guys then!”

you unfortunately end up paying for all 3 of their meals and picking on their food instead of buying your own

even with all of them making way more money than you, they still happen to be cheapskates

OR tommy will end up getting a burrito from a taco truck, immediately making a mess of himself, then proceed to complain how messy the food is to eat despite knowing what he was getting himself into before even ordering

“shit my clothes are all ruined now!”

“well that’s your fault you got a burrito, as if it’s your first time having one”

“i mean the food is good, i’m not complaining about that but i don’t think it’s that good that it’s worth costing my red and white shirt, im just saying”

tubbo

same with tommy, he is so excited

i don’t know why but i imagine him overpacking his suitcase and you making fun of him for it

anyway tubbo has his irl backpack on and streaming EVERYTHING

probably spends a lot of time at a bunch of different booths, checking out all the pointless gadgets he could buy for his stream

you’re the one to stop him from doing so

“TUBBO IT’S LITERALLY OVER TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, STOP. DONT GET IT.”

“WHY NOT?? IT WILL BE COOL FOR MY STREAM AND I WILL USE IT EVERYDAY”

“okay theoretically speaking, how the hell are you going to even bring it home? which—let me remind you—is across the country for you and not to mention the giant ocean separating america and the uk”

“free ship-pang!!!”

“i hate to break it to you tubbo but there is no way you can get free shipping on a FIVE FOOT PC. it’s nearly as tall as you! what are you even gonna do on it, hack the government???”

the arguments are all lighthearted but eventually you give in and let him splurge over a thousand dollars in different devices he claimed he “needed”

i could honestly see him visiting the beaches in san diego and going for a swim or even renting out a boat to use for a bit :D

also he’d bring benson along with him and taking a bunch of scenic photos with it in them

i have a feeling he’s the type to schedule a spontaneous meet & greet because he was bored & gets in trouble for causing a mob in a certain part of the convention

he’s like “oh god, i did not expect this many of the bois to show up AHAHAH oops”

tubbo would def pull a lilypichu and bring his melodica or ukulele and play themes while following random people/cosplayers

at the end of the day, you’d find his bag just stuffed with crap he either got for free or bought in the convention

“how did you get all that stuff? i was with you all day??? and it’s only the first day of the convention, hello?? it looks like you’ve been collecting as if twitchcon has went on for a week already!”

“HA i have my ways, do not underestimate my powers”

lani would probably tag along for the vacation honestly

like whenever someone comes up to her giving her gifts/asking for pics, you and tubbo would tease her about how famous she is

and i dunno but something about tubbo just gives me this amusement park energy and going to legoland and spending the whole day there since it’s near by and because he can

ranboo

he is like a beacon in a sea of people, that’s it .

i honestly just see him causing as much chaos as the other two

ranboo would probably like take someone’s camera whether if they’re streaming or if it’s for the vlog, hold it up high, and point the camera directly above someone’s face

it did not matter how tall you were and if you had platform shoes on, ranboo was a skyscraper next to you

“HAHAH this is how i see you from this height, this is funny”

then he shows you the vid of the recording of him getting like an aerial view of your face

like you see your nose and all your pores and just overall a bad angle to be captured in

“OH GOD RANBOO DELETE THAT, ITS HORRIFIC”

i dunno why but i feel like he’d jump scare every person that was cosplaying as his minecraft character from behind for some reason

“BOO!”

“ranboo i’m not even remotely dressed as your skin—”

“don’t worry i’m practicing it’s fineee”

“you’re like the height of 2 people combined, i think you will be fine as is. you even intimidated the security at the front”

i feel like if he had his own panel he’d like pull up some undertale song in the middle of it and scare all the people in the crowd

“lore but in real life”

probably would get some matching keepsake with you from artist alley/the booths!

i could imagine like a cute keychain or smth :D

i feel like he’s the type to like randomly volunteer as a participant for those mini events in a booth thinking it would be funny but regrets it the moment he’s on stage

after introductions the presenter is like “okay ranboo, you will be given a random meme prompt above your head you won’t be able to see until after and you will have to make a random face to compliment it!”

and you can just tell by his facial expression he’s just thinking

oh god what have i gotten myself into

what is this game? who came up with this idea?

you’d laugh at him the whole time, even after he’s off the stage and finished with that small fiasco

“that was horrible. never again.”

“AHAHAH IT LOOKED SO AWKWARD YOU DID GREAT”

“I CROSSED MY EYES AND PUFFED MY CHEEKS BECAUSE I COULDNT THINK OF ANY OTHER FACIAL EXPRESSION. THE PROMPT ENDING UP BEING ‘WHEN TWITTER CANCELS YOU FOR USING PLASTIC STRAWS.’ AND WHEN I SAW WHAT IT WAS—LITERALLY WHAT KIND OF GAME–”

“I GOT PICTURES AND EVERYTHING ITS PERFECT AHAHAHAH”

wilbur soot

honestly with wilbur it’s slightly more chill

he already experienced twitchcon before so he’s just glad to see his friends again after so long

insists that you explore the convention yourself rather than sticking with him the whole time but you do anyway!

wilbur would probably have like a mini concert and gets you front row seats with the rest of the group

but that doesn’t mean before it that you’re not helping him set up

“y/n please– my amp is so heavy, i can carry it”

“don’t worry! i’m strong” :D

and musically talented or not, he will probably bring you and the rest of his friends up to stage to just vibe and sing a bunch of random acoustic songs

it’s not like some big concert hall stage,, i imagine more like a casual thing w a slightly higher platform from the ground yk?

after spending a long day at the convention he’d also bring everyone across the city to la jolla or smth !

you’d all probably have dinner there and chill, watching the pretty sunset

“this place is really pretty but oh my god im gonna lose my breath hiking up this stupid hill, please slow down”

and wilbur is like ??? because he’s completely fine with his long legs and everything

“just walk faster”

“no, you walk slower”

AHAHAH and for context traversing through la jolla by walking around the town is a bit hard since it’s basically on a bunch of hills (walking up from the beach to a restaurant actually is actually sm work, trust me ive been there)

wilbur honestly doesn’t spend that much time in the actual convention center, he’s probably sightseeing a bit of san diego with you instead

but i could imagine him staying at the tabletop games area playing dnd or smth

“c’mon y/n, come join!”

“uhh i’m not sure, i’m not the best at roleplay and...”

“it’s fine don’t worry!”

he’d pull you in with him and end up enjoying yourself even if it was your first time

and if you’re of age, you’d be wilbur’s +1 at the twitch partner party and make sure mans doesn’t too drunk

if it’s not too late in the night, you two would chill at the beach after the party

it’s just a nice, calming moment after all the loud music mixed with hundreds of conversations at the party

also something about like taking polaroids pictures with wilbur just seems to go hand in hand for me

i’m not sure why but you will be taking lots of pics with wilbur for sure (not necessarily you both in the photo, but of sceneries as well while you’re together!)

philza

literally a dad on vacation with his children, it doesn’t matter how old you are

need sunscreen? surprisingly has it

want a snack? probably has a small granola bar somewhere in his bag

but same with wilbur, he’s more chill like this isn’t his first time at twitchcon

omg he’d def bring you to the artist alley and just buy a bunch of fanart and stuff tho

“oh wow look phil, someone made a giant poster of the dream smp and shit!”

“holy shit that’s so good what the fuck!”

and he’s like rushing to that artist’s stall to buy a poster or print

idk why but phil seems like the person to know where he’s going all over the convention center

he probably had a copy of the directory map but yk

you just have trouble reading it bc all the signs seem to be misleading to you

nothing really crazy screams out to me of what phil would do at twitchcon besides like go to a few events, spend a bunch of time w his friends, etc

HOWEVER i could see him wasting a lot of his time at the gaming area and testing new games that are currently on the works of being developed

like “woah y/n, this vr game is sick, you should try it out!”

ngl i feel like phil would plan a visit to disneyland for everyone, like he gets the tickets and everything but once you’re at the park it’s free reign, y’all go everywhere with not much of a plan

the minors would try to cheap out phil and pay less than the others even though everyone else fully paid phil back and everything LMAO

ok but if he’s feeling nice, phil will buy everyone cotton candy/pretzels :D

and if you’re not hungry, he’d at least get you a mickey balloon

HE WILL HAVE MATCHING MICKEY EARS WITH MUMZA YES .

ALSO STAYING FOR THE FIREWORKS THOUGH OMG

just in general, best idea phil had for taking everyone to disneyland :D

technoblade

surprisingly techno is really calm despite this being like one of his first conventions

but when he finally settles in and gets comfortable, he’s showing the same energy

if you’re playfully yelling, he will yell back

however there’s still those awkward moments that are unavoidable

idk why but something about him makes me think that if you feel tired and want to go back to your hotel room, he’d go with you just to make sure you get there safe

he probably also needs a break from being around everyone else for a moment too LMAO

i could also see him searching far and wide in the artist alley for fanart of himself AHAHAH

walking around with him in the convention consists of someone yelling “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD” every 5 minutes but you don’t really mind

something about him makes me think he’ll be forced into playing minecraft twitch rivals along with the rest of sbi or smth

and he’s like “oh god, i’m going to be on stage? and people will see my face while i play minecraft?”

“i’m sure it will be fun!”

“i mean i like being competitive and feeding my ego, but i’m not that desperate.. well”

do i imagine techno getting easily tired of being surrounded by a bunch of people and just going back to his hotel room with phil and watching some anime with him? yes

and will you watch even if you have no idea what’s going on? also yes

i feel like after a while of you guys hanging out in techno’s room, the rest of the gang will just slowly join you guys

like eventually everyone is there; you, techno, phil, wilbur, niki, tommy, tubbo, ranboo, etc

and techno is like “wha– where did you guys come from?” because his room is basically packed

and niki could be like “oh we can go if you want!”

then techno just insists that she’s fine “but who let the child get in?” clearly implying tommy’s presence

“OI!!”

eventually techno gives in with the company and someone gets a bunch of board games to play from the front desk

lots of yelling and laughing for sure

when it becomes late at night, techno is like half conscious, you’re on your phone, wilbur is staring out the window & enjoying the night view, tommy is passed out on the couch from tiredness, tubbo & ranboo is still wide awake quietly talking, and phil & niki are helping clean up the giant mess

eventually everyone brings themselves to go back to their own room except tommy who won’t budge

you give techno a look and he immediately understands what you were thinking

he rushes to the bathroom to fill up two cups with ice cold water and handed one to you

“on three?”

“okay.. one”

“two”

“three!”

then both of you pour the water on the poor child’s face

he jolts awake and saying a string of curses

“what the fuck techno? y/n too?”

“get out” is the only think techno says that before tommy rushes out with his stuff and you leave right after

a/n: i honestly can’t wait until conventions open up again though,, phil and ranboo were talking about vidcon earlier and omg.

also i kinda want to take in tommy requests but i’m not sure??? it would be both cc! and c! x gn!reader for sure tho. i love writing him to bits but who knows, maybe i’ll only stick to my ideas,, or not. send in a tommy x reader request, might do it, might not, but he’s my fav cc if you can’t tell so! :D (i dunno if i will keep it strictly platonic, but unrequited crushes and stuff are fun to write hehe,,)

edit: let’s hope i fixed all the grammar mistakes LMAO we love writing late at night :) /s /hj

2K notes · View notes

yostresswritinggirl · 3 years

Text

@butterfly-mochi Rewrote this freaking thing thrice because it keeps getting deleted wth tumblr agjvahkfajkvk- I enjoyed writing it a lot tho and since I’m too weak to the characters I ended up writing for all of them (except for Sucrose, im sorry bb huhu, I ran out of brain power). This is my first time writing for so many of them in one go so please excuse me for any mistakes or blandness ywy thank you for letting me write for my baby Ganyu too hhhhh

Universe Reversal 2

Genshin Impact Character Reader and Modern Players with Zhongli, Childe & Ganyu (how they simp for you) (event masterlist / Part 1 / Part 3)

Zhongli the F2P

The most relatable out of the bunch because this man is still broke and can only rely on the primogems he can farm. And he had a LOT. The one thing he doesn’t have a lot on, however, is his luck.

So how did he manage to pull you?: Well after exhausting all his primogem on your banner with nothing but weapons and other characters, he has lost his resolve. But by some weird luck, there was a character bug that was fixed and in his email was the almighty consolation primogem. Enough for ONE pull. And by the Gods he FINALLY got you.

He’d nonchalantly post his screenshot of pulling you using a single acquaint fate in his friend group without any words and everyone else just loses their shit. “You got them in one pull?!” “Yeah” A riot.

This was partnered with the fact that not only is Zhongli an F2P player, but also barely has any five star characters.

He looks calm and apathetic over the news, but behind the screen he’s exhausted and relieved, silently livid.

He has no primogems left to squeeze for a constellation so you’re instead pampered with the best weapon suitable for you (because that’s all he keeps getting).

Zhongles spends most of his time farming for materials to quickly level you up, unlocking all your stories and voiceline, but he fucked up on your build (his artifacts are messy).

He follows communities, forums and videos regarding your character to know all the things he needs to perfect your build. You can barely make a dent against normal mobs, so he knew he was doing something VERY wrong.

Is the type of person to keep refreshing the page for new content, very updated.

Ask him a question about your character and he’s gonna bring you the word vomit that is his research. He’s not gonna stop- probably accidentally developed a copypasta for you.

Also follows your VA in both Tiktok and Twitter to indulge in every bit of content. He also has that screenshot of his pull saved and locked.

On his birthday, a friend of his gifted him a chibi plushie of you and he has treasured it ever since, treating and handling it like its a figurine.

“It is merely pure luck and grace from the gacha gods that I got this character, and I will make sure that they know I am very grateful for this fortune.”

Favorite Voiceline: Birthday Message

Childe The Whaler

This lucky wealthy bastard with no remorse for his money whales for EVERY character. He’s making a collection, which is to get all the characters, especially the five stars. So when your banner finally popped up, he’s gonna square up and trigger a whole ass meteor shower.

How he pulled you: Money. His luck with this games are actually not the best so he always compensates with money, he got you halfway through the first failed pity, almost giving him a heart attack that he might actually break the bank just to get you.

And then he pulls more to raise your constellation lol.

The first thing he does is look over your character info and read through it all; constellation infos, your base stats, artifact compatibility.

At the end when he’s maximized everything, he would then focus on playing around with your character *coughs climbing noises coughs*

He thought you’d just be another part of his collection but playing with your character was very enjoyable and in-line with his playstyle- oops 100 screenshots with the Kamera-

Any and all merchandise that he fancies would be his, and he’s definitely flexing it to the other sweetie nerds who call themselves simps. He’s fighting for the simping title, and he’s currently neck and neck with this fanartist in Pixiv.

Speaking of that fanartist, he definitely commissioned an expensive and detailed portrait of you, full rights and everything. No one else was allowed to use it but him.

Was also the first one with the audacity to call out your VA to create an account on Tiktok to create more content with your voice. He was successful.

His obssession also comes in the form of self-indulgent contents, and had been keeping track of the ship wars happening. During conventions, he cosplays as the character shipped with you the most (or the character he thinks should end up with you).

Silently scrutinizing those who cosplay you, only ever taking pictures with/of the best looking one, sorry haha

Definitely flaunts that you are his waifu/husbando and will fight for best girl/best boy during debates or polls. Has mobilized the community to vote for you once. He’s very persuasive.

“Hm? Why I’m just the best collector in the game, and I am more than happy to let everyone know that I am their number one fan haha, everyone who claims otherwise is definitely wrong!”

Favorite Voiceline: More About (Y/N) I-IV, (Y/N)’s Hobbies...

Ganyu the Employed

Ganyu, our dearest overworker, is one of the players in the older stage who actually has a job but still plays Genshin for their past times. The gorgeous sceneries and the music is her main focus in playing the game, not much of a try-hard but still decent in the combat mechanics.

How she pulled you: You came home within 50 pulls! And you appeared again after another 10 pull! Ganyu was so SHOOKT and so distressed because oh goodness, what does she do? She doesn’t know anything much about you!

Will rewatch your three trailers to try and understand your skills better, ended up saving the soundtracks from them because that was such a nice trailer music! Tnbee gains a new follower!

Ganyu will take a while before she can properly play or build you up because she’s so busy with work, she only ever plays when she feels fully done with her work.

During her break she plays with your character while multi-tasking on eating, earphones plugged in and sight on the phone as she farms materials and artifacts for you.

The moment she gets more help from her player friends tho, holy shit, you just ended up being so OP. She had so many good artifacts and weapons for you because she didn’t know what they were for before.

She loves how you’re so easy to use and can easily solo the enemies and even the boss fights. A huge breather, because now Ganyu can cheese the battles that takes a while, to give her more time to focus on the storyline and lores.

Since Ganyu plays for the story and aesthetic, she’ll find you almost always in her team. Still very proud of her pull, she makes the best screenshots of your fights or in the best angle through exploration.

Treasures you so much she starts talking to her phone- “Ah, no, please don’t fall.” “There’s violetgrass up there, let’s try and get it”

Blushes everytime you produce a sound when climbing, doesn’t change you anyways tho

Hums to your trailer music while working, and if permitted, would have the song on repeat while she buries herself in work. She finds it really refreshing and the time she spends in work miraculously flies by fast when she gets lost in the sound.

At one point, when she was given a day-off or if the convention was on her free time, she attends to look for cosplayers of you and take a picture. No one rejects her because she’s so adorable and cute when asking shyly.

Had brought a decent amount of merchandise, preferably the functional/practical ones like a phone cover, mug or keychain. Also has an earphones clamp with your little chibi self as the holder.

When asked, she would shyly announce that she likes your character the most.

“Their character theme and music really soothes me during work, it feels nice to have them, and I have not once regretted ever pulling for them. They are the best.”

Favorite Voicelines: Good Night/Afternoon..., About Us, Something To Share..., Interesting Things...

so enjoyable...

@moaa @zelos-simp @legionqueensav @dandelion-dreams @snackgod @rxsalinee

#genshin impact x reader #genshin impact #zhongli x reader #childe x reader #ganyu x reader #genshin impact zhongli #genshin impact childe #genshin impact ganyu #exile.circlet #exile.flower #sojourner specials #reeeeeeeeee #gender neutral

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meruz · 3 years

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once again i am answering asks in a big compilation post. included is... gotham, patrick stump, tips about drawing backgrounds, tips about drawing in general, links to my faq, and infinity train

like.... the tv series? No... I’ve drawn dc comics fanart before, though. But it’s been years since I’ve been really into it. I like jumped ship like 10 years ago when the New 52 happened LOL.

AFJHDSLKGH I’m sorry I (probably) won’t do it again??

Actually full disclosure I have a truly cringe amount of p stump drawings/photo studies in my sketchbook right now LOL. He’s just fun to draw... hats, glasses, guitar, a good shape... but I don’t think I’ll rly post those until I can hide them in another big sketchbook pdf.. probably Jan 2022. Stay tuned........ (ominous)

(ominous preview)

These are all sort of related to backgrounds/painting so I grouped them together even though they’re pretty much entirely separate questions.... ANYWAYS

a) How is it working as a BG artist? Is it hard? What show are you drawing for?

I think you’re the first person to ever ask me about my job! Being a background artist is great. It’s definitely labor intensive but I think that could describe pretty much any art job (If something were rote or easy to automate, you wouldn’t hire an artist to do it) and I hesitate to say whether its harder or easier than any other role in the animation pipeline. Plus, so much of what truly makes a job difficult varies from one production to the next, schedule, working environment, co-workers etc. But I will say that I think while BGs are generally a lot of work on the upfront, I think they’re subject to less scrutiny/revisions than something like character/props/effects design and you don’t have to pitch them to a room like boards. So I guess it’s good if you don’t like to talk to people? LOL

A lot of my previous projects + the show I’ve worked on the longest aren’t public yet so I can’t talk about em (but I assure you if/when the news does break I won’t shut up about it). But I’m currently working on Archer Season 12 LOL. I’m like 90% sure I’m allowed to say that.

b) ~~~THANK YOU!! ~~~

c) What exactly do you like to draw most [in a background]?

@kaitomiury Lots of stuff! I really like to draw clutter! Because it’s a great opportunity for environmental storytelling and also you can be kind of messy with it because the sheer mass will supersede any details LOL.

I like to draw clouds... I like to draw grass but not trees lol,,, I like to draw anything that sells perspective really easily like tiled floors and ceilings, shelves, lamp posts on a street etc.

d) Do you have any tips on how to paint (observational)?

god there’s so much to say. painting is really a whole ass discipline like someone can paint their whole life and still discover new things about it. I guess if you’re really just starting out my best advice is that habit is more important than product. especially with traditional plein air painting, I find that the procedure of going outside and setting up your paints is almost harder than the actual painting. There’s a lot of artists who say “I want to do plein air sometime!!” and then never actually get around to doing it. A lot of people just end up working from google streetview or photos on their computer.

But going outside to paint is a really good challenge because it forces you to make and commit to lighting and composition decisions really quickly. And to work through your mistakes instead of against them via undo button.

My last tip is to check out James Gurney’s youtube channel because hes probably the best and most consistent resource on observational painting out there rn. There’s lots other artists doing the same thing (off the top of my head I know a lot of the Warrior Painters group has people regularly posting plein air stuff and lightbox expo had a Jesse Schmidt lecture abt it last year) but Gurney’s probably the most prolific poster and one of the best at explaining the more technical stuff - his books are great too.

e) Do you have tips for drawing cleanly on heavypaint?

@marigoldfool UMM LOL I LIKE ONLY USE THE FILL TOOL so maybe use the fill tool? Fill and rectangle are good for edge control as opposed to the rest of the heavy paint tools which can get sort of muddles. And also I use a stylus so maybe if you’re using your finger, find a stylus that works with your device instead. That’s all I’ve got, frankly I don’t think my drawings are particularly clean lol.

f) Tips on improving backgrounds/scenes making them more dynamic practicing etc?

Ive given some tips about backgrounds/scenes before so I’m not gonna re-tread those but here’s another thing that might be helpful...

I think a good way to approach backgrounds is to think of the specific story or even mood you want to convey with the background first. Thinking “I just need to put something behind this character” is going to lead you to drawing like... a green screen tourist photo backdrop. But if you think “I need this bg to make the characters feel small” or “I need this bg to make the world feel colorful” then it gives you requirements and cues to work off of.

If I know a character needs to feel overwhelmed and small, then I know I need to create environment elements that will cage them in and corner them. If a character needs to feel triumphant/on top of the world then I know I need to let the environment open up around them. etc. If I know my focal point/ where I want to draw attention, I can build the background around that.

Also, backgrounds like figure compositions will have focal points of their own and you can draw attention to it/ the relationship the characters have with the bg element via scale or directionality or color, any number of cues. I think of it almost as a second/third character in a scene.

Not every composition is gonna have something so obvious like this but it helps me to think about these because then the characters feel connected and integrated with the environment.

Some more general art questions

a) Do you have any process/tips to start drawing character/bodies/heads?

I tried to kind of draw something to answer this but honestly this is difficult for me to answer because I don’t think I’m that great at drawing characters LOL. Ok, I think I have two tips.

1) flip your canvas often. A lot about what makes human bodies look correct and believable is symmetry and balance. Even if someone has asymmetrical features, the body will often pull and push in a way to counterbalance it. we often have inherent biases to one side or another like dominant hands dominant eyes etc. you know how right-handed artists will often favor drawing characters facing 45 degrees facing (the artist’s) left? that’s part of it. so viewing your drawing flipped even just to evaluate it helps compensate for that bias and makes you more aware of balance.

2) draw the whole figure often. I feel like a lot of beginner artists (myself included for a long time) defer to just drawing headshots or busts because it’s easier, you dont have to think about posing limbs etc. But drawing a full body allows you to better gauge proportion, perspective, body language, everything that makes a character look believable and grounded.

Like if you (me) have that issue where you draw the head too big and then have to resize it to fit the proportions of the rest of the body, it’s probably because you (I) drew the head first and are treating the body as an afterthought/attachment. Sketching out the whole figure first or even just quick drawing guides for it will help you think of it more holistically. I learned this figure drawing in charcoal at art school LOL.

oh. third mini tip - try to draw people from life often! its the best study. if you can get into a figure drawing/nude drawing class EVEN BETTER and if you have a local college/art space/museum that hosts those for free TREASURE IT AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT, that’s a huge boon that a lot of artists (me again) wish they had. though if youre not so lucky and youre sitting in a park trying to creeper draw people and they keep moving.. don’t let that stop you! that’s good practice because it’s forcing you to work fast to get the important stuff down LOL. its a challenge!

b) I’ve been pretty out of energy and have had no inspiration to draw but I have the desire to. Any advice?

Dude, take a walk or something.... Or a nap? Low energy is going to effect everything else so you gotta hit that problem at its source.

If you’re looking for inspiration though, I’d recommend stuff like watching a movie, reading a book, playing video games etc. Fill up your idea bank with content and then give yourself time/space to gestate it into new concepts. Sometimes looking at other art works but sometimes it can work against you because it’s too close.

Also something that helps me is remembering that art doesn’t always have to be groundbreaking... like it’s okay to make something shitty and stupid that you don’t post online and only show to your friend. That’s all part of the process imo. If you want to hit a home run you gotta warm up first, right? Sports.

I should probably compile everytime i give tips on stuff like this but that’s getting dangerously close to being a social media artist who makes stupid boiled down art tutorials for clout which is the last thing i want to be... the thing I want to stress is that art is a whole visual language and there are widely agreed upon rules and customs but they exist in large part to be broken. Like there's an infinite number of ways to reach an infinite number of solutions and that’s actually what makes it really cool and personal for both the artist and the viewer. So when you make work you like or you find someone else’s work you like, take a step back and ask yourself what about it speaks for you, what about it works for you, what makes it effective, how to recreate that effect and how to break that effect completely, etc. And have a good time with it or else what’s the point.

for the first 2, I direct you to my FAQ

For the last one, I don’t actually believe I’ve ever addressed artwork as insp for stories/rp but I’ll say here and now yeah go ahead! As long as you’re not making profit or taking credit for my work then I’m normally ok with it. Especially anything thats private and purely recreational, that’s generally 100% green light go. I only ask that if you post it anywhere public that you please credit me.

(and I reserve the right to ask you to take it down if I see it and don’t approve of it’s use but I think that case is pretty rare.)

a) @lemuelzero101 Thank you!!! I haven’t played Life is Strange but actually that series’ vis dev artist Edouard Caplain is one of my bigger art inspirations lately so that’s a really high compliment lol. And yeah I hope we get 5-8 too...!

b) Thank you for sticking around! I’ve been thinking about Digimon and Infinity Train in tandem lately, actually. They’re a little similar? Enter a dangerous alternate world and have wacky adventures with monsters/inanimate objects that have weird powers... there’s like weird engineers and mechanisms behind the scenes... also frontier literally starts with them getting on a train. Anyways if anyone else followed me for digimon... maybe you’d like Infinity Train? LOL

c) @king-wens-king I’M GLAD MY ART JUST HAS PINOY VIBES LOL I hope you are having a good day too :^)

a, b, c, d) yessss my Watch Infinity Train agenda is working....

e) aw thank you!! i think you should watch infinity train :)

#ask #trying this new thing where i tag people in the body of the post instead

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serowotonin · 3 years

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falling ; bakugou k.

pairing ( bakugou katsuki x fem!reader ) wordcount ( 2.4k ) genre ( fluff & basically pining )

↷ a hc-styled narrative describing the four stages bakugou katsuki goes through as he finds himself falling for you . . .

STAGE I ( impression ) ;

the first time bakugou laid eyes on you was during the entrance exam at UA.

back then, you were just another face in the crowd of faces he was going to have to beat to earn his spot in UA

the first time bakugou spoke to you wasn’t memorable to him either

like with everyone else, he was loud and rude and made it very clear he wasn’t interested in playing friends

after that you became a part of the class, just another extra, someone who’d just get in the way

that was all he thought you were…

until you kicked todoroki’s ass one day during training

the teachers had paired everyone in the class and told you to practice your 1-on-1 combat skills using your quirk

bakugou, who was paired with kirishima went first

you and todoroki were to be the last pair

despite a good effort put up by kirishima, bakugou still ended up winning that round

when it was finally yours and todoroki’s turn, bakugou paid extra attention

in his mind, he knew todoroki was powerful and someone to watch out for

but what happened was quite unexpected

you maneuvered easily through todoroki’s attacks with a combination of physical prowess and creative usage of your quirk

let’s just say his ice didn’t work on you and he was caught off guard, allowing you to snatch a win

needless to say, most of your classmates were a bit surprised at first

bakugou included

they knew you were strong but they didn’t know you were that skilled

whatever the rest of the class thought didn’t matter to bakugou though

all he knew was that now he had to keep an eye on you

STAGE II ( perspective ) ;

after that event, bakugou did indeed keep his eye on you

it started off with him observing your moves whenever the class had to do any training exercises

he saw you fight with todoroki a couple more times after that

those didn’t end in easy victory for you as it did before because todoroki was now more wary of you

however, the way you evaded and countered his attacks was something to be praised

in bakugou’s subconscious opinion at least

your moves were carefully thought out and bakugou could see that

he could see the effort and practice you had put into perfecting them

not only that, he could also see the natural talent that you had to be able to become this strong

and it wasn’t only your fighting capabilities

you were also smart

maybe he hadn’t noticed it before but he did now

you seemed to always know the answer when a teacher called on you and your grades were great

slowly, but surely, you gained respect in his eyes

if he knew one thing about you, it was that you were maybe the tiniest bit better than the other extras

for a while it stayed like this, him acknowledging you but never making it obvious and you just doing your thing

that was of course until one day in the morning before class started

mina, kirishima, and sero were talking about things as they usually were and somehow the conversation led to you

they were talking about how strong and smart you were and going on about stuff

bakugou must’ve turned his head in their direction or something but mina noticed him listening so asked him cheekily what he thought of you

“y/n? of course they’re strong. anyone could see that.”

he said that pretty loudly and didn’t seem to notice you walking into the classroom

and of course you heard

“did my ears deceive or did the bakugou katsuki just praise me?” you teased

he was pretty embarrassed, blushing and sweating a bit but trying to hide it

soon after though, class started and the ordeal was forgotten

but something about that interaction led to you and bakugou becoming closer

closer in that instead of passing the other off as another strong classmate as you usually would, you’d actually greet each other and talk

you’d say hello to him in the mornings and goodbye after school and he’d just grunt or nod your way

but this was what it meant to be close to bakugou anyway

during the weeks that passed, bakugou found himself noticing you even more

before he only paid attention to your skills and thought about you as an enemy or rival of sorts

now it seems as if he’s just noticing the little things about you and your personality that make you who you were

he wasn’t doing it on purpose god forbid

no no it was just him being unknowingly observant

weeks turned into months and months turned into years

in a blink of an eye, you were all well in your second year

with everything that happened, you and bakugou became close

close enough for you to tease him at random times and close enough for him to ask you to fight him as training

by then it was safe to say bakugou knew you

he knew the little quirks you had

he knew your different smiles, your different laughs

he knew your favorite foods and your not so favorite ones

he knew the many different little things that made you you

STAGE III ( contradiction ) ;

before the start of the third year, the class decided to have a little get-together party of sorts

to celebrate the start of their last year in high school and to catch up as everyone’s been busy with internships and whatnot

you spent the break away from tokyo so it’s been a while since you saw the rest of the class

naturally you were excited to be able to meet them all casually again before the intense studying and training that awaited you all

bakugou, on the other hand, wasn’t too excited

frankly, he could do without seeing the class before school

but when he heard you were going to be there, he also agreed to go

so there you two were with the rest of the class at a cinema buying drinks and popcorn before your movie started

the neon lights and the prospect of popcorn lit up your face and bakugou couldn’t help but stare

there was just something, something he couldn’t quite figure out

it’s not that you were beautiful, it’s not that you looked cute in that outfit, it’s not that your smile was making his heart flutter

no it wasnt any of that true though they may be

you just.. you looked nice

thats why he was staring

yeah he hasn’t seen you in a while and you come back looking *nice*

of course he would stare

anyone would

apparently you had noticed him staring though, so you sent a wink and a grin his way before turning back to the popcorn and drinks

in other words, you killed him

with ridiculously high levels of cute and nice

kirishima and sero were just watching the whole thing happen and hell was it obvious to them

their boi was falling hard

now they knew he’d never admit it and they knew you weren’t likely to do anything about his “crush” even if it was obvious to you too

so…

while bakugou was busy helping you carry your popcorn, they devised a rather devious plan

operation: jelly burst

objective? none other than to make explody boiy jealous

for what reason? no reason really it’s just fun to mess with him and this is probably the first time he’s had this big a crush

once everyone finished buying popcorn and was walking into the cinema, operation: jelly burst was put into action

“hey y/n ! come sit next to me” — sero

so you did, nothing strange bout that, sero was a good of yours anyway, nothing strange at all

bakugou moved to come sit next to you too but kiri hurried past him and sat down on your other side before he could

“oh hey bakubro didn’t see ya there sorry”

the seat kirishima stole was the last seat on the aisle

and bakugou was forced to go sit somewhere else

alone

poor guy</3

the seat he found was a few rows above yours though and all went according to the jelly burst plan

by the end of the movie, bakugou was in the foulest mood and no one, except for the 2 lads sitting on either side of y/n, knew why

operation: jelly burst didnt end there though

see they got him jelly but they haven’t gotten him to burst

the next week at school, kirishima and sero both acted really nice to you

it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary but they did talk to you just a tad bit more than usual

either way bakugou noticed big time and he did not like it

he did not like it one bit

the jelly was there alright

it was just boiling to unprecedented levels

pretty soon, the boys dumped the idea of operation: jelly burst

mainly cos it was taking too long

but also because bakugou had become at least 10x more hostile

except to you of course

for some reason, a reason absolutely no one could figure out(sarcasm intended), he was just

quiet around you

didnt yell but didnt really talk to you either

whenever anyone else, kiri and sero especially, tried to talk to him though, he’d shout louder and be a lot ruder to them

he’s just agitated

and he knew why he was that way

he’s just in denial about it

he’s also in denial about the reason why

why couldn’t he just accept his feelings and act on it already?

kirishima asked him that one day in the dorms

he saw bakugou staring very intensely straight at you without blinking for a full minute

“look man, don’t even try to tell me you don’t like y/n. it’s obvious and i’m not an idiot. you aren’t either.”

“i know shitty hair. it’s just… i’m me. and she’s y/n. nothing’s ever gonna happen.”

“you don’t know that”

“but i do. cmon, she’s just so fucking perfect even with all her flaws. and i’m just the loud guy with exploding hands and no emotions.”

kiri was surprised honestly

this wouldn’t be the first time bakugou was insecure around him but the way bakugou talked about you and how he implied he wasn’t worthy

damn that hit kirishima

“bakubro, i’m gonna help you”

STAGE IV ( intimacy ) ;

ever since he told kirishima abt what’s been bothering him about you and ever since kirishima declared he’d help, bakugou became more…

quiet

he was still loud, but he just became a soft kind of loud now(?)

it was like he got calmer and he was assured that things would be okay

of course things were not okay

why? because ever since bakugou fully accepted his feelings for you, he doesnt know how to act around you

the other day you asked him what he wanted to eat for dinner cause you were cooking tonight

his answer:

“you”

“umm..”

“-you can make anything you want. i’ll eat whatever.”

that and a lot of other little awkward incidents started occurring

also maybe it was just the weather but he always seemed red whenever you saw him

it wasn’t the weather though

it was him being shy and nervous and flustered

which made bakusquad extremely weirded out cause seeing him like that is like seeing aizawa cheerfully smiling and wearing bright color clothes

it was weird af and was just not right

anyway, mina’s advice to him was to try to get closer to you

“but we’re already close”

“no i mean closer on a personal level. ask her how her day was or ask her random stuff about her likes and dislikes or her hobbies or literally anything”

“oh… ok then”

and so he tried that

he tried getting closer to you by greeting you every morning and sometimes asking you if you slept well

you found it odd

it certainly was odd, but you didn’t mind

if you ask him why he asks about your sleep he just goes red and says he needs to make sure his opponent for his afternoon sparring session is well-rested and healthy

speaking of the sparring sessions…

he asks you to spar more often than usual and actually makes small talk during your breaks

he was also a lot nicer to you, offering to help carry stuff for you and assisting you in the little things

like getting a mug from the kitchen’s high shelves or picking up the pencil you accidentally dropped

what he did worked though and within a few weeks, the two of you got a lot closer

the next step, as mina put it, was “making sure she knew you weren’t interested in her as a friend”

now that was hard for bakugou to do

“it’s not that hard. you could just tell her.”

bakugou: ..??

“basically confess”

bakugou: wha- *shortcircuits*

CONFESSING

he never thought about that

he actually has

he knew in his mind he’d have to do it eventually if he wanted to have you

but he didn’t think it would be *this soon*

“dont think that much and just tell her you like her”

“you’re making it sound easy”

“because it is!”

he groaned internally

he’s faced tons of villains and been in quite the number of fearful situations but the fear he felt now was completely different

“look if you’re afraid of rejection just confess like this”

*sero clears throat*

“*y/n i like you and i would like to be something more than friends. i’m not going to pressure you into anything so if yoh don’t want to we can just pretend this never happened>:)”

“...”

bakugou ended up confessing the next day though

just not like that

it was a spur of a moment thing and he wasn’t really aware he said it until you responded

the two of you were sparring as usual and you had just gotten close enough to knock him down and pin him to the ground

in that moment you were just so beautiful and amazing and everything and he just couldn’t keep it in apparently

“i like you”

“w-what?”

“what?”

“did you just say you liked me?”

“like not liked dumbass”

“:o present tense o:”

well long story short, you like him too and you tell him that and you two just sit there grinning like idiots

from then on things didn’t change much

you and bakugou still talked, although maybe more than usual

and still sparred with each other, although maybe less seriously and more playfully

some were surprised when it became known you were together

some weren’t

whatever other people thought though, they couldn’t deny one thing:

bakugou looked at you as if you were the world

STAGE ∞︎ ( fallen ) .

note ; i started writing this soo long ago but then abandoned it cuz thats just me:”] bUT i decided that since its his birthday i might as well finish it up and finally post it u.u,,, also TYSM @animebsposts for helping me with this ily and ur amazing<3

taglist ; ( send ask to be added ! ) @lilikags

#happy birthday ya big cute bomb boy<3 #bakugou x reader #bnha #www.pink-ink.com/writing #/hcs

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abandoned-ax · 3 years

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Im on the team pt - 4

Pt 1 Pt 2 Pt 3

Haikyuu x ftm reader

Summery: 1st day of the training camp

When we came back for the longer training camp I was much more relaxed. Last time it was only one night but just a few weeks later and were back. Everyone’s been starting to try new things, I think last training camp had everyone realizing we don’t match up at all. Iv been working with Noya a bit more on receiving and everything a libero does as well as working with Tanaka on spiking. But the most interesting thing Iv been doing is helping Kagayama out, he’s working on a new kind of set and asked me if I would throw for him one day after practice, I was hanging back a bit myself just not wanting to leave the gym and so I decided to help him out. I’m seeing a new side to him I didn’t know, I’m used to seeing him as the perfect setter like he could do anything, but seeing him struggling and frustrated is new. The day before we left for training camp we were practicing his set and he got angrier then I had ever seen him, he threw the ball and shouted.

“Ahhhhhh! Why can’t I get it!”

I’m immediately on the ground trying to figure out what to do to help calm him down, but the only thing I can think of that he likes is volleyball. Sooo

“Kageyama!” He pauses to look at me, “umm I was wondering if you wanted to take a break from your set and maybe help me with mine instead.” I guess that got him to pause since he was now just looking at me, “is just Iv been wanting to work on it for a while now but it’s just, your so good at it and I just wanted to ask for some pointers, and it just seems like you could use a break so.” His breathing has started to even out a bit more, he looks a bit caught off guard.

“Ughh yeah I can do that.” So for the next half hour we worked ok my set, I made sure to praise and complement him on his set to make sure he knew how talented he was, I’m sure working so hard on a set and not being able to get it is really frustrating. After a while we were both tired so we moved to sit down drinking our water in silence.

“Thank you for helping me out, and you know for calming me down.” His voice got quieter as the sentence went on but I understood what he was getting at.

“It’s all good kageyama. I bet it’s frustrating.” He looks over at me and we make eye contact, it’s nice.

“Iv always been able to get it, and I just haven’t had to do something new like that in a while.”

“I know it’s frustrating, and I know I don’t know a lot about volleyball but even I know your one of the most talented players, you’ll get it, it’s just going to take a bit of time.”

“Thanks (Y/N)”

I smile over at him happy I could help in anyway, he pulls out his phone to check the time, “holy shit it’s late.” I look over at his phone and realize it’s 12:30 already!

“Oh wow.” Kagayama looks over at me and we start laughing, both realizing how wild it is that we stayed here for that long, “oh my god our buss to head to training camp is going to be here is like 4 hours!” Kagayama starts laughing louder.

“Holy shut we should head home huh?!” Both of us calm down our giggles before moving to walk home, we walk mostly together till we half to part ways, “well I’ll see you in a few hours Kags.”

He smiles at me a little “yeah I’ll see you in a few hours.” And with that we split ways.

It’s before the sun comes up that we have to be at the busses so naturally everyone is very tired. I meet Tsuki and Yams there but once Kagayama shows up I move over to him, he’s looking through his bag and so I ask “making sure you packed everything?” He look up startled but his gaze softens when he sees it’s me, “yeah after how late we got home last night I didn’t really have time to pack properly.” I giggle at him, “lucky I pack like a week in advance.” He chuckles “maybe I should start doing that to huh.” Coach gives a little speech and tells us all to get on the bus, I was originally planning on sitting wish Tsuki and Yams but they ended up sitting together and Kags asked if I wanted to sit with him so that’s what I did. Not long into the drive I ended up falling asleep with my head on Kagayamas shoulder, and he fell asleep with his on my head. But we were rudely awoken by Daichi “come on idiots were here.” I know I have a massive blush in my face so I get up and move to get off the bus quickly, I hear Daichi chuckle at us but ignore it and move quickly, one off the bus I move to find Tsuki and Yams, “so I see you’ve become friends with the king?” Tsuki says skeptically, “oh shut it Tsuki.” Yams laughs at us as we see Nekoma come out to greet us.

I walk over to where Kenma is talking to Hinata excited to see him again since we talked a bit at the last training camp and he seems super cool, “hey Kenma!” He looks away from Hinata and smiles at me “hey (Y/N), I was just talking to Hinata about the camp.”

“Oh yeah! It’s in a different place, do you know why?” Kenma chuckles at that question “yeah it’s a bigger space and a bit cooler here, but there’s a lot of bugs.”

“Fuck I should have brought bug spray.”

“It’s ok you can use mine if you wanna,” he says smiling a bit.

“Are you sure that would be ok?”

“Yeah I don’t mind!”

“Thanks Kennma.” I smile at him but the moment is cut short by a super tall guy yelling over at Hinata “hey did you grow taller yet?!” The two start bickering and I give Kenma a surprised look,

“that’s Lev, he’s the new kid for us.”

I giggle at the distressed look he gets looking over at the tall kid.

“I’m guessing he’s...a lot.”

“How’d you know?”

“I mean he did interrupt our conversation by yelling at Hinata about his height.” Kenma laughs at that.

“So (Y/N) you play any video games?” Me and Kenma talked the entire walk to Karasanos room, finding we have quite a bit in common, from our love of the same video games to our inability to sleep most nights. He’s nice to talk to, his calm and quiet tone is relaxing to listen to and his more subtle demeanor is cute.

We all put our bags in the room and got ready for our first game today. I didn’t play in the first few, but after a couple they switched me into the libero spot for a while and then I played middle blocker. We aren’t doing too good tho, haven’t won a single game, and after the 8th time doing the run for the loosing team I think I’m gunna die. When the end of the day came around we all collapsed after our last run.

“Ughhh I don’t think I can breath” I hear tanaka yell.

“We lost every game, how’d we lose every game.” Suga asked

We looked into the gym to watch the one game that’s still going, we are nowhere near that level. Daichi sits up and says he’s going to work on the synchronized attack, so everyone started to scatter.

I look over and see Tsuki walking away from the gym most of our team was using and Yams yells over at him “you aren’t going to practice Tsuki?” Tsuki turns around “no, we practice enough already.” And starts walking away, I knew Yams was probably itching to go practice his serve so I tell him, “go, I’ll follow the giraffe.” He smiles gratefully at me and I starts chasing after the blond boy.

“Tsuki wait up!” He doesn’t turn around so I start running faster till I catch up with him. “ughhh why are your legs so long!”

“There not that long yours are just short.”

We pause for a moment, it’s awkward. Me and Tsuki have never had an awkward moment, I don’t like it.

“Aren’t you going to practice?”

“No, we do that enough, everyday for hours we practice, I’m done for the night.”

I’m so lost on what to do at this point, I want him to come practice but I can’t force him too,

“Hey glasses kid,” I hear a voice say and turn around Tsuki stopping in his place, “oh and (Y/N)” it’s Kuroo from Nekoma.

“You guys wanna come practice with us? We could use another blocker!” I look over to Tsuki hopefully, maybe this will be the opportunity to get him motivated. Tsuki looks up and with the fakest smile on his face he says “sorry, I’m all done for the night.”

Kuroo and one of the other guys I think from Fukurodani are both appalled by his response,

“You know he may not look it but he’s one of the top 5 aces is Japan.”

The owl looking guy stands up taller and puffs out his chest looking proud. It’s cute!

“Yeah I think he’s still upset he’s not in the top 3 anymore.” I chuckle, there fun, you can tell they all joke around a lot.

“Well I’m in.” I say walking up to the gym and yelling back at Tsuki “don’t make me do this alone.” The three others stay in the door continuing to try and convince Tsuki to join.

I’m walking through but jump when I her “oh hi” from the floor, looking down it’s the tall kid who was talking to Hinata earlier. He looks like a baby dear before it can walk!

“What happened to you?”

“Kuroo did.” I laugh back at him. He sits up more going over to sit agains the wall and I move to sit next you him.

“Your a first year right? How long have you been playing?” A guy like him is clearly a powerhouse, I assume he’s been playing for years.

“Oh I just started!” He says with a goofy grin on his face,

“You just started!!”

“Hey! How long have you been playing!” He says in an amusing accusatory tone

“Well, I kinda just started too!”

“Haha were tied.” I smile over at him, he looks kinda intimidating but he certainly doesn’t act it as he giggles at our interaction. I think back to when I first saw him earlier he was with Kennma, I wonder where he is?

“Hey your on the team with Kennma right, I just talked to him earlier today and haven’t seen him around much since?”

“Oh Kennma?” I hear Kuroo yell jogging over to us “he went to go play some video games, he’s not really the type that needs to practice, nor do I think we could get him too!” He chuckles.

“Oh that reminds me! Did you get Tsuki to join?”

Kuroo gets a cocky smile on his face looking over his shoulder to see Tsuki looking angry. I get up but before I Kuroo I say “great, you made our tall guy with glasses angry.” I laugh at him sarcastically, he laughs back loudly and we go to start our first practice game of many.

An: hey guys sorry it’s been too long, I’m currently thinking I’ll make this a Kenma x Reader X Kuroo or maybe a Tsuki X reader not sure yet!! Let me know what you think!!!

#haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu x trans reader #haikyuu x me #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x male reader #haikyu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu!!#tsukishima x you #tsukishima x y/n #tsukishima fluff #kenma x reader #kenma x kuroo #kenma x male reader #kuroo x y/n #kuroo headcanons #kuroo tetsuro x you

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plounce · 3 years

Photo

what if gay CATS........... were gay PERSONS

(info on this au under the cut)

theyre all shitty young adults just kind of. getting through their early 20s as best they can. or as much as they can. maybe things will get better someday, but right now they’re kind of spinning their wheels

magic exists but like eh it’s not a big thing don’t worry about it. it’s around but like whatever. not many people have it and it’s mostly just like. a curiosity or a party trick

demeter and bombularina are together, tugger and mistoffelees are together, bombularina and tugger occasionally fwb, it’s cool and aboveboard and it’s all fine

demeter:

bisexual with a preference for women. 24 years old

semi-psychic (not as powerful as tantomile or coricopat). tends to have vague and confusing prophetic dreams

dropped out of grad school for sociology due to trauma and ensuing intensified mental illness. kind of bitter about it, but tries to get through every day. general anxiety disorder even before all that

very nervous around most men she doesn’t know & trust

currently working at a barnes & noble starbucks, which sucks. she recently became the assistant manager, which turbo sucks because now she has more work for only like a buck raise, but at least she’s getting reliable shifts

her go-to therapy is cutting her hair with scissors. her hair is fried to all hell from regular bleaching

she’s learning how to crochet because she’s decided she needs to do something physically productively creative with her hands to distract herself from Stuff

bombalurina:

bisexual. 24 years old

got her bachelor’s in english two years ago and hasn’t found a job in her field and has kind of given up on it for now

she’s been bartending for like four years, does freelance editing work on the side. will occasionally write listicles for clickbait sites if she needs extra cash

literally any extra money she can save goes to tattoos. her right sleeve’s almost done

has natural red hair but dyes it cherry red

a hedonist to cope but is also just a natural hedonist. likes a good bath

i know that like the typical thing fandoms say about female characters is “doesn’t take shit” for the girlboss points but she truly does not take shit anymore. she used to take people’s shit sometimes but at this point in her life she’s tired and she has a girlfriend to be protective of. she has a couple people whose shit she will take (mostly just tugger) but besides them (and having to practice basic customer service to keep her job) she’s tired of other people’s shit! enough!

my personal take on bombalurina is a mix between the riot grrrls of the 90s and 80s punk girls, and then a dash of the greaser chicks from grease. i saw that spiked collar and my brain went OH okay i can run with this somewhere fun. same for demeter, but less so - she just has the piercings.

demelurina:

bombalurina met demeter in college at a women’s activism club, noticed her because of her dimple piercings and was like “oh someone else with a lot of metal in her face, i’ll sit next to her”

they were each other’s first off-campus roommates and were close friends. made out a couple times, but it was mostly a lot of sexual tension. there was a lot of bombalurina staring at demeter while she or demeter made out with someone else

demeter was on and off with her high school boyfriend munkustrap and bombalurina was like “oh he’s so much more stable/calm than me and she needs that, i party a bit too much for her, i shouldn’t try anything” so she just sort of. lets their almost-there peter off

(this is all bombalurina’s internal thoughts - demeter always was interested in her, but thought she was too boring for bombalurina. so neither of them thought they could pursue it)

bombalurina graduated and moved somewhere cheaper further away from campus. they kind of drift apart

munkustrap and demeter peter off and he moves away for a job (they’re still good friends, it was a very amicable breakup) and then demeter gets with macavity, which is a deeply toxic situation for her and sucks hugely and throws her whole life really off track. won’t go into further details

she finally manages to break up with him and calls bombalurina at like 2 am asking if she can pick her up, and also if she can sleep on her couch, it’s okay if that’s not okay, she just. really needs a place she feels safe, and her gut is telling her to. and of course bombalurina says yes

bombalurina also knew macavity and had also made out a couple times with him at like parties and stuff (see: staring at demeter as she makes out with people). something about transference of feelings - bombalurina was into him for a couple moments because he and demeter had a thing.

this is due to me interpreting the song “macavity” as actually about bombalurina wanting to fuck demeter and her singing as a half-repressed expression of that. i use my really good wlw brain to reach that conclusion. it’s kind of a non-competitive version of eve sedgwick’s take on the love triangle. (<-- normal thing to say)

but anyway demeter stays on bombalurina’s couch and she tries so hard to stay on track but eventually she just has to drop out. bombalurina helps her with that too. she’s just really supportive even as demeter’s life is at its lowest point. when she gets home from bartending she gets demeter to go to sleep

she just Stays with her and makes her smile and reminds her that her life isn’t over, there’s still things in her day to enjoy, to keep her trudging forward

bombalurina is roommates with tugger at this point - he also recently dropped out and demeter knows him because he’s munkustrap’s brother, so he’s Trusted and also is like “hey it’s okay that you dropped out, im here and im chilling and you like me and respect me at least a little, and you have a bachelor’s degree at least!” (more on him later)

demeter is like “oh god ive been crashing at their place for so long not paying rent, theyre gonna ask me to leave, im such a freeloader, they wont take my attempts at paying rent” but then bombalurina and tugger are like “hey! the lease is almost up! we found a pretty good 3 bedroom, do you wanna have your own room for real?” and she nearly cries because 1. the RELIEF 2. oh my god you want me around???

cut to bombalurina helping demeter put together an ikea dresser (tugger got banished to the kitchen to make crystal light lemonade for them because he’s useless with a screwdriver) and demeter has two epiphanies:

1. i thought i was ready to d*e four months ago and here i am making a dresser to put clothes into in my new apartment where i live and feel safe and loved. im still not happy but im still alive and im making a dresser

2. holy fuck im back in love with my best friend, and ten times more than i was back then.

so she like kind of freaks out because she’s already imposed so much on bombalurina, how could she impose her FEELINGS on her like this, oh no oh no oh no

meanwhile bombalurina’s back in love with her even MORE and she’s also like no... she’s already dealing with so much... i don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel unsafe in her own home especially after her recent relationship trauma... i just want her to feel safe around me...

you might think tugger as their roommate would be like “JUST KISS” but he is in fact pretty oblivious because he is self-absorbed. mistoffelees on the other hand..

eventually they do have a big confession of feelings after demeter has a bad day and it’s very dramatic and they make out in the rain. and it’s like. well this is a movie scene. but also im cold and damp. let’s head inside our home and get warm and dry :)

and then they go inside and and talk through everything, all their feelings (not just their romantic feelings but like ALL their feelings) and their shared histories and bombalurina is like “do you think you’re... ready for a relationship right now? like that would be a good thing for you?”

and demeter considers it. she does stop and think. and then she says, “with anyone else... probably not. but it’s you. and i feel so safe around you, and we’re already so close. you make the future feel more worth it. you make more days alive feel not just tolerable, but something to look forward to. and knowing you’ve loved me all this time... it’s nice. it’s good. i’m - i’m understating it so much, it’s more than nice, it’s just - it’s a lot. i wish i had noticed back then.” “hey, hey, don’t blame yourself. i’m the one who never said anything.”

anyway. everything works out, and they start dating for real :)

tugger:

bisexual. 22 years old

dishwasher at the same bar bombalurina works at. she got him the job. he keeps bugging her to teach him bartending tricks and on slow nights she will agree to

he dropped out of their four year, but he managed to secure an associate’s in communications before he dipped

trying to be an ig influencer hotboy and hopefully get modeling jobs from that but his phone’s camera sucks shit so his account isn’t really going anywhere. but he continues to post his low resolution shirtless selfies

trying to cope with being the failure son who does not have a fancy nonprofit job with a salary and healthcare by being self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing

it works about 60% of the time and 60% of the times that it doesn’t he’s able to hide it

he dropped out right around when bombalurina graduated and he was like HEY! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE WHO DOESN’T CARE IF WE LIVE TEN MILES AWAY FROM CAMPUS? WELL HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU: ME!

to which bombalurina (who has fooled around with him here and there and thinks he is funny little man and genuinely goodhearted, and also he has rockin abs as a plus) says munkustrap already asked me if i need a roommate and if i do to consider you, because you don’t want to move back home. in other words: yes, you little idiot

they do fool around with each other but they are both very understanding that it is strictly platonic and for fun, especially once they become roommates. they both do not desire each other for anything serious

he did have a bit of a crush on each other when they met (hot punk older girl who’s friends with his brother) but 1. it dissipated pretty quick after they fooled around for the first time because it was not a very serious crush 2. she was in the middle of being in love with demeter so she was focused on that, emotionally

he got his ears pierced a couple times in high school but bombalurina inspired him to get a couple more. she went with him when he got his nose pierced

demeter has always understood that him and bombalurina are strictly fwb, has never been an issue.

she and him like to bleach their hair together when their hair schedules line up (he bleaches his way less often then she does), but she refuses to use his fancy conditioner that keeps his hair unfried because it’s expensive, even though he tells her to go ahead and use it, please, the health of her hair is giving HIM anxiety, demeter please. please demeter

mistoffelees:

gay. 20 years old

has magic. it’s pretty good magic but again: magic is not a big deal in this concept

a bit spooky. skulks around. a bit of a bitch but also very very nice. chooses when to speak

he has postings on craigslist and fiverr about finding lost objects and people with magic. like a gig economy private detective

side job is a waiter at a fancy restaurant

sometimes he gets paid VERY well from the private detecting, depending on the client. he does ask his psychic friends (tantomile & coricopat) to give a quick glance over on some of the more suspicious clients just to make sure he isn’t finding someone who should not be found by that person.

doesn’t go to college. is roommates with his sister victoria, who’s a freshman and studying dance. moved into town with her so she wouldn’t have to live in the dorms by having a guaranteed roommate.

tuggoffelees:

the general vibe i want for these two is mistoffelees walking around town or driving around in his shitty toyota camry while tugger tags along because he’s bored and thinks this is cool as shit

the general tone of the au is “magic isn’t a big deal” except for tugger, who thinks mistoffelees’ magic and his magic freelancing is the coolest shit ever. this is mostly because he just likes mistoffelees. “there are people who can do cooler shit than me, tug” “yeah but i don’t KNOW them also theyre not as COOL as you” “you had to explain to me how instagram reels work”

idk how they met i just think tugger shows up at his and bombalurina’s apartment one day (this is when demeter has moved in but they havent moved to the 3br yet) with this dude to dash in and pick something up and bombalurina is like “uh. who’s this” “oh this is mistoffelees he’s SO GOOD AT MAGIC” [mistoffelees nods hello] “okay bye bombalurina see you at work!!!” “uh. later”

after that he just shows up a lot. sort of ambiguous if theyre dating or what for a while before bombalurina straight up asks like “hey does the dude you’re dating know we fool around” “the dude im - what?” “... the little magic guy who keeps using our hot cocoa mix. misty.” “oh. uh. we aren’t dating.” “... do you want to? because you’re kind of all over him constantly” “um. well! haha, if i wanted to, i could! haha!” “yeah get back to me on that”

tugger trying to use his ig clout to get mistoffelees more work even though 1. he has no clout 2. mistoffelees has a very stable client base. but mistoffelees appreciates the effort. the self-promo guy promoing someone other than himself... the highest expression of love...

mistoffelees is A Nonthreatening Man plus he’s pretty obviously gay so demeter is chill around him pretty quickly. when mistoffelees is over they’ll sit on the couch where demeter sleeps and watch documentaries quietly while she crochets

they both occasionally say spooky shit at the same time because magic stuff. bombalurina and tugger are both torn between “that was cool as fuck” and “god that’s unnerving”

just a lot of tugger following mistoffelees around on his jobs and mistoffelees letting him because he’s fond of him and them occasionally getting into minor peril and interesting shenanigans, but it is 90% fetch quests

i think the first time they met tugger was taking selfies in front of a hydrangea in a public park and he saw mistoffelees walk up with a shovel and start digging in one of the flower beds and he thought he was hot so he went over and offered to take over on the shoveling to look strong and masculine and he ended up digging up a skull, which mistoffelees picked up and said “thanks” and then walked away

mildly terrifying but also very interesting and tugger’s days are kind of boring and dishwashing kind of sucks as a job to do like every night and he is a person who thrives on novelty so. moth to a porchlight

i think they do start making out for fun here and there and then a while later theyre out on one of mistoffelees’ jobs and someone asks “who’s the guy with you” and mistoffelees replies “oh that’s my boyfriend, don’t worry about him” and then it’s like. “HUH? I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND?” “uh. yeah? i assumed. is that okay?” “i mean yeah of course i think you’re great! how long have we–” “oh like a while.” “oh. uh. cool!!”

they just hang out a lot. mistoffelees enjoys teasing him and enjoys his warmth and bombasticity and tugger likes watching and helping him solve little mysteries around the county because it’s always something new. they’re kind of a comedy duo. they just enjoy spending their time together and following mistoffelee’s internal magic gps to find lost dogs and lost necklaces

yeah right now this au is just vibes and just sort of. continuing forward with your days and your weeks and your months. just young adults hanging out

#cats the musical #mr mistoffelees #rum tum tugger #demeter cats #bombalurina #tuggoffelees #demelurina #chirps #bird in the hand

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bintturaab · 2 years

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Asalamualaikum sis, jumuah mubarak and i hope youve been well lately <3 I was the anon who sent a message some weeks back about a guy at university getting married just a few weeks before i sent a proposal to his mum, and my work etc stuff. So ive started work now and ive felt quite hopeless about moving on from him, because i keep comparing anyone i see to him in small ways. Anyways, so ive seen someone at work who has been working there for a few years it seems. I'd like to know more about him (mainly - is he married? how old is he? (because he seems really mature and the level of work he's doing at usually takes quite a few years to get to for our profession so im concerned that he's "too old" for me or married or something already)). I can't tell if i'm forcing myself to be interested in someone semi-decent to get over the university guy and find someone because i do want to get married but not sure how or if i'm actually interested in this person from work. I dont know much about him but he seems like a really serious, private guy - his private nature is something that has made me curious about him, but again i've only had a few encounters with him recently. I had to ask him something recently and he was very professional (sometimes came off as being cold to me but idk) and to the point and he seems like this with other females too from what i've seen. He didn't seem to make jokes or laugh unnecessarily etc. I know he prays but that's about all i know in terms of religion. Idk but something in me is curious about him. I'm wondering how to find out though if he's married + his age? I'll be leaving this workplace in a few months so i'm wondering if there's any point to this anyway? I also kind of want to be noticed by him but maintaining halal boundaries - this is hard given the nature of my profession, im from the UK too, and we're always told from a young age that we have to lower our gaze but then how do we find someone even? I know we have to lower our gaze but im wondering - how will i get him to notice me? I automatically tend to do so when im around men anyway but idk. Some friends have told me to just say hi to him or something if i walk by him at some point, but i tend not to initiate conversations with men and i dont want to seem too desperate and act someway i wouldnt usually, otherwise he may think im like this with all men. I've not seen him much either - I've recently been seeing him around the department very briefly on some days but that's it. I just feel confused about what to do and if i should even try with this. i'm not sure what to do. i've not even encountered him very much (i've only been at this workplace about 2 months and probably randomly seen him like 7 or 8 times - but very much so recently which is strange, given my recent interest in him too). i want to do things the proper islamic way and show my true self, but i've been told by my parents that it's hard to be like that these days and i should put myself out there more. i'm finding it hard to do so as ive entered the world of work i guess and having to interact with men more than at uni etc. i also want someone who is practicing and the same as me in terms of not being ok with talking unnecessarily to the opposite gender etc. i know ofc that Allah will send me someone at the right time and according to his perfect plan, but i guess i've always hoped that someone would approach me or magically appear lol. But now i feel like i do need to take some initiative, am i wrong? sorry that this message is all over the place.

Wa alaykum salam wa rahmatullah sis. First of all, I am so, so sorry for replying so late. I wasn't too well to be able to reply :(

So, a few things regarding what you said -

1) I know what you mean by the whole comparison thing. Once something settles in our hearts, we tend to want to look for that in everything else, and this is just so toxic for ourselves because no 2 things, or people, will ever be the same, and like my mother always tells me; it's okay to be different, and different doesn't have to be bad. It's easier said than done, but I think we should really strive to internalise this because we're gonna be doing everyone a disservice, including ourselves, if we keep looking for one person in another.

Also, please give yourself time and space to process your feelings and emotions. Don't rush into something else or someone else if you haven't fully healed or moved on from a person. If you feel like your interest in this work guy might potentially be a rebound, take a step back. You don't have to rush. In my personal opinion I feel like we should like someone or be interested in someone for who they are, and not because we feel the need to move on from someone. It might cause problems later. So, do figure that out.

2) If you're genuinely interested in the work guy because of the reflection of his character that you've seen in your limited experience with him, then I don't think it matters whether you're leaving soon or not. If you're serious about wanting to court him for marriage (in a halal way), you should go for it. Doesn't matter if either of you quits because it's the person that interests you right? What does the place or job have to do with it?

But if you feel like you only want to get to know him because you both work at the same place, or because he doesn't pay much attention to you and that piques your curiosity towards him, and nothing more, then I don't think that's the right reason to pursue someone for marriage, especially if the case is the latter. Please take time to figure out whether you're interested in him because you like something about him, or whether you're interested in him because he seems different and doesn't show much interest in you. Like you said, all you know about his deen is that he prays and you know nothing else; his professionalism may or may not be for the sake of Allah. So, ask yourself why you want to get to know him. Since you said you're not even sure if you're fully interested in him, try figuring out first why is it that he's been on your mind?

About wanting to know whether he's married or not and his age, try finding out indirectly instead of directly approaching him? Ask around about him or look him up on social media to know the basics. Someone from work must know? Perhaps a mutual colleage? Indirectly bring it up with a colleague or if you're close/friends with anyone directly tell them you're interested and you'd like to know the basics. And once you've found out, and fugured out whether you genuinely like him, I'd advise ask your wali to approach him and initiate marriage talks and stuff. But yeah first find out whether he's married or not. And do ask around about how he is as a person, etc.

3) About wanting to be noticed by him. Sis, that's just shaytan messing with your mind. Think about why we are commanded to wear the hijab? So as not to be noticed by men. Being noticed by them defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Hijab is more than just a garment we wear; it's a lifestyle. It's how we carry ourselves and interact with people, etc etc. Any righteous Muslim man shouldn't be noticing women, and any righteous Muslim woman shouldn't be doing things to get noticed by men. Both men and women are commanded to lower their gaze. It doesn't just help control our desires, but also to maintain our integrity. To ensure that our future spouse is the one we're satisfied with because we won't be comparing them to all these subconscious mental images we have of others. So much of what we look at settles in our subconscious without us even being aware, leaving us dissatisfied with reality.

Lowering the gaze has nothing to do with finding someone for marriage. Speaking to different men and casually hanging out with them and getting to know them and then deciding if they're suitable to marry - that's the culture and way of the disbelievers, not ours. Treading a fine line between haram and halal will not get us good spouses. Having taqwa and tawakkul and seeking permissible means will, bi idhnillah. When we're ready for marriage, we ask, or our parents ask, people (friends, family etc) to look for suitable partners, or consider someone ourselves from those around us as potentials, and get our families involved, and then meet the guy to talk to him and get to know him within Islamic guidelines, to figure out compatibility and all.

I know you probably already know this, but I still want to emphasise how important it is to not let kufr culture meddle with our heads.

4) With that said, I think you were right in not listening to your friends. That isn't the right way to go about it. May Allah reward you and give you the strength to stick to your values and principles. If you're really interested in getting to know him for marriage, let your wali/family know, and ask them to find out his age and marital status so that y'all can proceed from there; i.e. your wali approaching him with a marriage prospect for you. That is the most ideal thing to do.

And I totally disagree with your parents. Why on earth should a Muslimah put herself "out there" more?? You're absolutely on the right sis, may Allah grant you the strength and patience to hold on to the correct path. If you're gonna be putting yourself out there more, that's the kind of men you're going to attract - the ones who are all too chill with casually interacting with nonmahram women. When you stay true to your islamic principles, you will find a righteous Muslim man who will like you and be interested in you for exactly that - being a Muslimah and not putting yourself out there. Parents aren't always right about everything.

I know what you mean by hoping someone magically appears looooool (I may or may not have been hoping the same 👀 lmao), but you're not in the wrong to take an initiative. Don't fret about it in sha Allah, it's perfectly fine for you to do so, just keep in mind that you aren't transgressing the bounds of Allah.

That's all I have to say. You can dm me if you wanna talk about it more. Once again, really sorry for the ridiculously late reply 😭

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