#anyway im dont playing therapist with myself i need to sleep

[wambsgender]

I would love to read the Shiv gender mess analysis if you’re still considering dropping it 👀

hi sure! pleeeeaze bear in mind it is not analysis, it's just tinkering with stuff i was thinking about at the time. also in writing it i sort of talked myself out of it, which is why i didnt end up posting it before. i didnt want to risk diminishing the importance of shivs womanhood in her characterisation... it's iffy territory conflating internalised misogyny with gender identity and i really hope that isn't how this comes across. ultimately im fascinated by her fraught relationship with gender and it is probably most powerful narratively as a woman. but as a trans guy i sometimes see little flecks of shiv in myself and i just wanted to play around with that!

when your whole existence and system of worth is built on playing the part of daughter to balance out the family equation and to let the media congratulate your dad on his diversity win of owning a female son who is a girl, instead of leaving you out on the hills like a spartan, like the papers said he would. when you are a girl but you dont understand girls because your mother never was one and you hate boys because they are all just your brothers in different shapes, but also because you are not one, and because they are everything you are not allowed to be. when you are a girl and a housekeeper whose name you can't remember teaches you how to handle your first period because there's nobody else around and it feels like you are being shot out into space and spinning down into the core of the earth all at once. when your brother calls you a girl but sometimes, on occasion, you daydream.

when you are a tomboy and you crop your hair short at 17 and the papers call you awful things but what they imply is even worse and the parts you hate the most are the parts they get right. and your father gives you a look that makes you ill. so you throw up and then throw yourself into girlhood and you learn that some things in life are profoundly off-limits. when you find out you don't mind the dresses or even the body after all, because everyone else likes it, and the makeup is fun and makes you feel good, and you come to enjoy the all the nice bits adjacent to girlhood, like being pretty and being liked by boys (and sometimes by girls) and having fun like girls just wanna. and you find your ways of dealing with the quiet, bone-deep discomfort because that is just what womanhood is and everyone else has learned to deal with it too.

when you are a girlfriend and then suddenly a fiancee and you're not sure how it happened but it is not totally unbearable. in fact you kind of like it and your brothers mock you for it but somehow your weird doting partner makes you feel like you are doing something right. and sure you've got problems but you are open and honest with him and you talk it out and you are loved anyway. and sure sometimes the whole wife prospect makes you feel like driving straight off a bridge but what else could you be? and anyway you're not allowed to drive your own car so you deal with it because you are strong and you are brave and there are papers to sign and politicans to sell. and you think maybe you can just resign to the itch under your skin and suck it up and play the part for life. and you ignore your therapist when she asks what part you think you're playing.

when you're a daughter first and a wife second and maybe somewhere down the list you're allowed to be a person. maybe even something looser than that. but it's so far down the list that you'd never have time to check because there's something dad needs you to do or there's deals you need to negotiate.

when talk of babies makes you nauseous but your husband won't let it go and girls count double now and its only your teats that give you any value. when you can't sleep because it's starting to feel like there is something unspeakably, unplaceably wrong with you because you realize now you don't feel the way you're supposed to feel. when you have tried your whole life to be a girl and then a woman and you have succeeded but it all feels like losing. and you know now that womanhood is not supposed to taste like suffering. so you begin to wonder whether it is not just the awful things you've come to expect from moving through the world as a woman. but something deeper, something much much worse, a narrative you can't bend to your will like you can with your clients, because what if, maybe, you're something you can't be. when you can do it all and you can serve the role and that's all that matters, that's all dad needs from you. you can do girlhood. you can do girlhood in your sleep. but somewhere along the way you stopped being girlhood. and now you don't know if you can ever make it back

#📥

[underscorecc]

2.

ive reached another time where i feel like i need to vomit out all the shit thats been churning in my psyche. you know that feeling where you dont want to go to sleep because of this subtle sensation in your stomach? I think its dissatisfaction, both with myself and with the people around me.

the girl that i broke up with turned out to just be a hoe. She played w my heart and told me i was " the right guy at the wrong time" and that "she needed time to be single" and then immediately hopped onto some mid ass white dude LOL. anyways i fucking hate her guts. not cause she doesnt like me anymore, but because shes a damn liar. on a positive note it just means that little plot threat in my life has just been tied up, and now all i have to do is reconcile with the distrust for people that ive already been harboring, so nbd.

the ppl in my life kinda got me fucked up tho. right now i feel like theres no one genuinely there for me. I have a therapist, but you cant rlly get the level of intimacy with a therapist in the way youd have with family or friends. so right now i feel like i have nobody. my friends all suddenly seem extremely disinterested in talking to me. someone who i consider my best friend barely texts me and brushes off making plans and never reaches out. and my other friends just dont seem to really care or respond to me anymore. I get replies, but im not having conversations. it also seems like my mom is tired of me. shes even said it herself. she gets annoyed at a bunch of little things that i do. so i dont think id be wrong to assume ive become a nuisance rather than a valued family member.

it totally could be me. it totally could be them. it also totally could just be a series of unfortunate circumstances so ive been kinda torn trying to figure it out. I know im partially to blame. i can be overbearing and i dont know when to shut the fuck up. its hard for me to do genuine real talk anymore. I say "real talk" and then give advice to friends (probably unsolicited). but i never rlly talk about stuff that goes beyond skin deep. I talk about terrible moments in my life, like when i was sa'd or like something fucked up ive done, but its water under the bridge and doesnt rlly affect me anymore. i dont know, i just get the feeling that people will be repulsed if they see the real me. the me that is insecure and struggling and tired and angry. god im fucking angry, but im also so goddamn complacent, which is infinitely worse.

i am in the process of changing my life in a drastic way, which is needed. wont say how but it should shake things up in a good way. unfortunately its also partially a waiting game. so im stuck here in this in-between where i am given the privilege and honor of being alone with all of my thoughts!!!

i think i am having an identity crisis. I dont know what defines me anymore and i dont know who i want to be. ive thought about changing my name. im already changing what i wear (slightly). and weirdly enough even though i am a straight, cis dude, i occasionally have very very slight doubts about my sexuality and gender. its probably normal tho who knows.

I think this stems from a lack of masculinity in my life. having high free testosterone does not make me a man. being aggressive or stoic does not make me a man. but theres this concept of a real man in my head as something to aspire to be, but its an extremely vague and loose concept ive formed. despite being 20, i dont really see myself as a man. but im not a boy either. not to say im non binary. im just in this awkward in-between period. I wish i had a genuine masculine figure in my life who i could look up do. my dad is more like reddit atheist ben shapiro who debatelords me when he doesnt like me doing something. i dont live with him anymore so those problems are in the past, but the lack of a male role model is catching up to me, and its on me to define my own masculinity, but like fuckkkkkk i dont think ur supposed to do this by urself.

i been feeling mad weak. i always was a pussy on leg day and its showing now that i havent been to the gym for months. it really makes me feel pathetic. that 15% increase in struggle for things that i used to pick up with ease is really shameful, or embarrassing, or idk. it just fucking sucks. I want to be a strong person who cannot be surmounted, like a legendary dragon. But at the same time i dont know if these desires are my own or some responsibility i put onto myself as a means to gain social acceptance. its probably something i should put thought into when im eating enough and actually going to the gym, but i think ive been holding off because i feel so pathetic.

its a brutal cycle too. I feel pathetic from prior experiences where ive been demeaned (so a lot) -> i feel i dont have the grit or willpower to do something -> i try something thinking ill fail or just avoid it outright -> i feel pathetic. shit sucks ass.

anyways word vomit over thats p much it

[blasphamoustraitors]

Hum

#august living #u know what says a lot abt my self confidence in my intelligence? #we were playing clue w my dad for a belated fathers day thing and the first game i knew the answer second time around the board #but i waited until the next time that exact combo was asked for again and no one had it to say i had the answer #bc i didnt believe i was right and just wanted to make sure and and that i didnt want to ruin the run by having the answer right away idk #then my brother and my dad were like why!? wouldnt u say u wanted to solve!? #just. like. idk im literally only confident in my looks!!!!! idk!!!!! #whatever i knew this i literally cried abt someone i dont talk to regularly starting a conversation w me unprompted #bc i dont think i deserve it or that im worth ppls time or that i know the right things to say or that they rlly want to talk to me??? #like ill fucking cry over being so god damn lonely and shit only to cry when someone i like but dont talk to talks to me!? #i made a sappy little post abt being greatful for sunsets yesterday on my fb and immediately #i wanted to post a thirst trap to reinforce that no im not smart or poetic or worldly im just i stupid himbo toy!!! #i didnt i did other things but i wanted to. i just. ive built up one skill to the point where its gotten me everything that ive ever had #relationships wise and now i dont know hoe to not be embarrassed by getting attention for being anything other than hot and fuckable #its essentially all i post on my fb. selfies. and i know i can get more attention and admiration if i post something a little or a lot sexy #and. i. dont know how to not feel like my body holds all my worth. when i know ppl are so much more likely to interact w me if im being hot #also yes i do feel like i dont deserve to reach out for conversation myself bc my mother instilled #that i couldnt invite myself over to friends houses and that spilled over into not feeling like i could talk to ppl first #ok. actually theres a lot that went into my whole thing but that is a big one #anyway im dont playing therapist with myself i need to sleep

[aaronhart93]

text || aarotin

Discord text thread featuring: Aaron & @quentindelancret

When: January 22nd, early morning into early evening

Mentions: @romanbeckett @davieslandon

Description: Aaron and Quentin fight about Quentin’s drug addiction 

Trigger Warnings: addiction mentions, arguing

Quentin.

you okay baby?

I haven’t heard from you and I just wanted to check in. I love you

Aaron.

I love you too and miss you

Des has just been cranky all night.

Quentin.

oh man, I’m sorry baby. Is there anything I can do to help? I know it’s late but I can bring breakfast in the morning or anything you need

Aaron.

I think she's sick

i have to play the morning by ear. Depends on how she wakes up

Quentin.

okay baby. I hope she’s not sick though. Just let me know and I’ll help out any way that I can

Aaron.

thank you baby. I miss you

Quentin.

I miss you toooo

Aaron.

miss you more

Quentin.

Impossible. I’ve been thinking about you all day. I miss your scent

Aaron.

you have my hoodies. put one on babe

are you at home?

Quentin.

I already did

I am home. I’m supposed to go snuggle Romie but Delilah brought over drugs and now I’m too hyper for life lol

Aaron.

oooo yeah i was gonna ask you to go check on him...but it's okay

Quentin.

I will. I’m just trying to chill out for a minute. He’s gonna leave a key for me

Aaron.

I mean if you’re high...maybe just stay home

Quentin.

uhmm okay

Aaron.

i just dont want you leaving the house so late

Quentin.

I know

I’m sorry

Aaron.

i just....if you knew you were going to go over to his place to take care of him...why would you get high

Quentin.

I didn’t know exactly. He said he was gonna sleep but then he couldn’t, and Delilah was upset and I told her she could come over and talk. Then she had coke and I just... I’m sorry

please don’t be mad at me

Aaron.

im not mad im just

idk

feel some type of way about it

Quentin.

about the coke?

Aaron.

not necessarily. the fact that our partner is sick....you knew i had des tonight so couldn't go over there...i guess i just figured you'd be a little more responsible

it's okay...i dont want you to be worrying about these things anyway

ill take care of both of you.

Quentin.

I can be responsible Aaron. I thought he was gonna sleep. I’m still gonna go over there and take care of him. You both come before anything else for me and I’m sorry I misstepped. But I’m not gonna just leave him hanging.

Aaron.

even if he fell asleep and woke up and needed something...seriously though. i want you to have fun and live your life, im sorry i brought it up

Quentin.

Aaron.. stop it. What is going on with you? I’m fine. I can go over there right now. But you seem... on edge. Are you okay?

I wanna have fun and live my life with you and Roman. I fucked up okay? But I feel like there is something else nothing you

Aaron.

i fought with Landon the other day

Des might be sick

work sucked today and im stressed about Ro

im sorry

Quentin.

baby, I’m sorry. I know the whole Landon situation sucks. I wish I could fix it for you. I know I made things shittier before but I don’t wanna do that. I wanna be here for you. I can come see you after I check on Roman? Help you with Des and give you a massage. I’m worried about you

I’m coming. I won’t take no for an answer. I’m gonna give you a massage and get you in bed. Then I’ll go see Romie. I wanna be there for you both

Aaron.

Quentin, I love you. and thank you....I don't know how to tell you this but...I don't want you around Des if you've been using tonight.

Quentin.

Aaron.

Fine, I’m not gonna argue with you. See you tomorrow then?

Aaron.

yeah

Quentin.

okay

I’m sorry

Aaron.

im not mad

Quentin.

It’s okay. I understand.

I love you

Aaron.

dont be upset

Quentin.

of course I’m upset. I want to be there for you and I can’t

Aaron.

im okay, Q.

Quentin.

that’s not the point

I’m sorry I fucked up. I know you don’t want an addict around Des and that’s my fault

Aaron.

you're sick, i can help you

Quentin.

I’m sick?

Aaron.

addiction...its a diseae

disease

Quentin.

wow, Aaron.

yeah, I don’t wanna talk about this right now

Aaron.

you...brought it up...

Quentin.

yeah, I know. I guess I just didn’t really think you would agree with me

Aaron.

that i dont want someone on drugs around Des? Quentin...

you are making this into something it isnt

Quentin.

no, that you think I’m sick and need help.

I understand you not wanting me around Des. But it’s not like I’d ever hurt her

Aaron.

i know you would never and I'd never keep her from you

just sober up...and we'll talk in the morning i guess

Quentin.

I don’t even know what to say

I’m just sorry I’ve been such a burden.

yeah, we will talk tomorrow

Aaron.

back up

you're not a burden

Quentin, stop making things up in your head

Quentin.

I feel like I have been.

I don’t wanna add any more stress for you

Aaron.

Quentin, listen to me.

i cannot live without you.

Okay?

Quentin.

okay.

I’m just sorry

Aaron.

dont be. im sorry i was harsh

Quentin.

it’s fine.

I love you

Aaron.

i love you too. bring me breakfast in the morning??

Quentin.

of course. Let me know if you need any cough medicine or anything when Des gets up

Aaron.

thank you, my love

goodnight

Quentin.

anytime. Goodnight baby

early evening...

Quentin.

I’m sorry about last night

I’m trying to do better

Aaron.

it was my fault. Don’t worry about it

Quentin.

it wasn’t your fault. You told me how it is and I’ll fix it

Aaron.

okay

Quentin.

good talk

Aaron.

well do you wanna keep talking about it

Quentin.

Nope, I really don’t.

Aaron.

I don’t know what else to say because I don’t either

Quentin.

I’ll just leave you alone

Aaron.

or like we could talk about literally anything else

I missed you today, okay?

Quentin.

yeah, I missed you too

Aaron.

like a lot

I pulled Des from school and had a day with her

it was nice

Quentin.

that sounds fun

Aaron.

it was

Quentin.

I’ll let you get back to it then

Aaron.

oh okay

I love you

Quentin.

you too

Aaron.

Quentin

I’m sorry okay?

Quentin.

it’s fine. I’m really just moody today.

I’m trying to stay away from the happy pills ya know?

Aaron.

I don’t want you to do something that you’re not ready for. If you aren’t ready to stay off of them, then it’s okay

Quentin.

the thing is Aaron, I’m never gonna be ready. I take molly literally every day. Most times people can’t even tell it’s that bad.  But I know it bothers you and Roman and I’m done

Aaron.

that’s brave

and makes me happy. That’s one of the reasons i know you love me

Quentin.

of course I love you

Aaron.

I know

Quentin.

I’m just so sick of disappointing you

Aaron.

I’m not going anywhere okay?

Quentin.

yeah

Aaron.

I’m serious

Quentin.

okay

Aaron.

are you mad at me

Quentin.

no I’m not mad. I just don’t feel like we’re as close as we used to be

Aaron.

because of an argument?

Quentin.

No not because of an argument Aaron

because you just seem distant all the time

Aaron.

I...

im sorry. It’s not on purpose

Quentin.

it’s fine

Aaron.

how can I be better

Quentin.

I’m just gonna take a few days to myself

Aaron.

oh okay

Quentin.

I don’t want to make anything worse by staying here

I get so all over the place with my emotions and without drugs I’m scared of what I might say or do

Aaron.

maybe tell your doctor? For medicine?

Quentin.

I don’t have a doctor

and I don’t want one honestly

they just make me relive shit I don’t want to and that isn’t gonna help anything

Aaron.

I can get you into a primary care doctor with no issue

not a therapist. Just a regular doctor

Quentin. What have I done wrong? It’s obviously something

Quentin.

you didn’t do anything. It’s just me.

Aaron.

tell me how I can help

Quentin.

my expectations and my delusions of how I thought things would be. It’s fine, I’ll handle it, I’ll make it better

Aaron.

how did you think things would be?

Quentin.

different

Aaron.

well what can we do better baby

I will do anything for you

Quentin.

it’s not you. I’m pretty sure it’s all me

ya know.. how I get in my head and shit

Aaron.

what can I do for you when you get in your head

to help

Quentin.

I don’t know. You can’t fix me. It doesn’t work like that

I’m just, I’m tired.

Aaron.

well now I’m scared

Quentin.

of what?

don’t be scared Aaron. I love you. I just, I can’t see you right now. But soon.. okay?

two days. That’s it.

Aaron.

where are you going

why can’t you see me

Quentin.

I’m just gonna go see my brother I think. Maybe fix things with him.

I can’t see you because I know if I do I’ll change my mind about taking some time away

but it’s okay, I wanna see you. Come see me

Aaron.

alright I’m coming

Quentin.

good. I love you

Aaron.

I love you so fucking much

Quentin.

the feeling is very mutual baby

I promise it’s gonna be okay. Alright? I just need to get my head right

Aaron.

okay

Quentin.

and it’s not your fault.

Aaron.

Idk

Quentin.

its me, I swear it’s me. That sounds cliche but it really is. I’m gonna fix it

I mean, honestly. All I can think about right now is how I wanna jump on you when I see you and never let go. But I need to stop being so closed off. I know that just makes you closed off and then I blame you. But it’s not you. You just .. you have this effect on me that really scares the shit out of me

Aaron.

is that effect a bad thing?

Quentin.

uhmmm

I don’t know. Is it?

Aaron.

I don’t know. Is it a good scare or bad scare

Quentin.

both

Aaron.

how do I scare you?

Quentin.

It’s like... you’re so out of my league and I don’t wanna do or say anything to make you leave. I’m like, I’m a lot, and I know I can be. It just scares me that makes I’m too much sometimes

Aaron.

I am not out of your league.

you are 1 of 2 of the hottest men in Kingsboro and I have both of them lol

Quentin.

you are totally out of my league. You’re like, God, I can’t even put you into words. Then there’s me. Partying, acting crazy, doing stupid shit. Idk. It’s like I’m an embarrassment next to you. But I mean, if I’m that hot I must not be so bad lol

you’re also like.. so hot! I can’t breathe lol

#text #text: quentin #discord #quentin

[swampgallows]

...

trying to think of what i want to address in therapy tomorrow

it feels like all of my ongoing issues have been rendered irrelevant because of the quarantine because ‘well, life is uncertain for EVERYONE right now”; “well, EVERYONE is having trouble adjusting to a daily schedule”; “well, EVERYONE is out of work right now” kinda shit.

i was looking at old selfies earlier trying to find a pic of my old tripps (that dont fit anymore because of my shit fucking woman hips) and man something... i dont know what happened but somethign really seemed to Happen. when i started working i got more and more depressed. i stopped smiling in pictures. i started experiencing dpdr a lot more because my days all ran together and i couldnt do anything except go to work and come home. i couldnt see my friends because i worked every single weekend. i didnt have a consistent work schedule. i wasnt eating or sleeping properly. 

i think once i see garrosh in shadowlands, if he’s there, i’m going to quit wow again. i dont know what i’ll do instead, but i want to start on doing something that’s tangible and that i can focus on and just get more absorbed in that to a point where i’m not actively interested in playing wow anymore. i sign on and do shit dailies just because i have literally nothing else occupying my time and i have no want to do anything else. but i dont even really want to play wow. i just want to be in another world. where i can travel, where i can meet people, where i can watch the wind blow tall grasses and see fireworks over the ocean. where i can go wherever i please, whenever i please, where i can feel useful, where i can make useful things. where i have bounties, where i have help, where i have love and family and friends.

i want to believe that those things are waiting for me in the real world too but it’s very hard. i feel shut out from everything. travelling is hard. getting anywhere is hard. it’s hard to make things and it’s hard to be useful. i get tired or bored or cranky or disconnected. 

my sister keeps talking about dating men and living on her own and her career. my brother is in law school working on his finals. im doing nothing. there is nothing i want to do.

i need to feel interest in my interests again. i want to want to do things. i want to feel love for myself and for things. i want to feel like there’s a point in taking care of myself or investing my future beyond “well, you’ll feel worse if you don’t.”

like, whats the point? what do i offer? what’s the point in me being alive?

thinking about quarantine and covid and all the eugenicist drivel is conjuring up old rhetoric from 4chan again, all that “modest proposal” type shit about how the neurodivergent and disabled should just be mass-exterminated, and how they crunched the numbers on the resources it would save if we did so, if the country eliminated all the accessibility programs and resources and supplies and just focused on the able-bodied and able-minded. if we could turn psych wards and rehab centers into “real hospitals”, if we could divert student aides and special education toward “real school”, shit like that. and i know that every human life is precious, blah blah, but what about when i dont see even the value of my own life? what about me feeling like my own life is worthless, useless, pointless? if i dont even stay alive for myself, then what good am I?

the least i can do is be a cog, right? yet i must have enough self-respect or self-preservation (or, the curse of “intellect”, since everyone tells me i’m so fucking “smart”) to know i’m being exploited and therefore i cant even be complicit in the harvesting of my manual labor or, i dunno, flesh, i guess.

cause theyd say that too, like, the least you can do is donate your pussy, basically, a rationed comfort woman for the subsidized “quell the incel” program they all jabber about wanting so bad, their god given right to have a penis and fuck with it, or something.

i feel like it all defaults to the same thing. if i’m not being used/abused, what good am i? if i’m not being squeezed for every ounce of my sweat and tears and blood and spit, why do i even deserve oxygen? why shouldnt i be killed? what right do i have to live over anyone else? why should i be sheltered in my parents’ house as a dependent, eating food that another hungry mouth could have? 

when i dont even want it? when i cant even justify a reason to myself why i am alive?

i know it’s only my third session with my therapist tomorrow, but i feel like i need to cut to the chase. look, you cant give me that chicken soup for the soul shit about life being inherently valuable. of course it is. of course life is valuable. so why isn’t mine? how do i value myself? how do i find value in myself? how do i create value in myself? what’s the fucking point of my life being valuable anyway? 

“if youre not good at something, just get better at it.” why? what for? why use that energy when others are already better? what is the reward? how do i value my value? how do i find reward in the potential to be useful? how do i care about shit? how do i care about myself? what reward is there in being useful, in being alive, other than that i’m already here and i’m too scared to die? what’s the point? 

#blathering

[coffeecrusadeclub]

Familiar Faces -Tyrus fic

Cyrus's POV:

"I know! I swear I want-" I cut my sentence off short and stared past my friend, Buffy, causing her to turn around and see what had rendered me speechless.

"What the-Is that TJ?" Buffy asked, a little too loud. His head turned towards us and I quickly ducked down to avoid being seen.

"Cyrus what are you-"

"Buffy Shh!" I cut her off, but it was too late. We were noticed and TJ had started over to our table.

"Buffy did we pay already"

"Yeah wh-"

Before she could finish her response I had grabbed her hand and rushed her out of the spoon. I was glad I had given up trying to sit at the counter and let Buffy choose a seat by the exit.

"Cyrus what the heck is going on" Buffy asked after a couple minutes, finally pulling me to a stop.

"I dont- I dont want to see him. Why is he back"

"Cyrus he probably is visiting family. When he left Amber said their mom sent him to some bootcamp program or something, that hed be gone for a couple years, it's been 3 years he might just be back"

"No! No no no! He cant be back I cant- I cant have him around after-" I stopped myself from completing the thought.

"Alright Cyrus come on we are going to your place and you're telling me what the heck is going on. You two were so close up until a week before he left"

Despite my protests Buffy dragged me to my house and upon heading down to the entertainment room in my basement, demanded I tell her what happened. I was hesitant at first, not wanting to relive the memories but the therapist in me thought it might be good for me to talk about so I told her.

**** 3 years ago ****

"TJ, you've had too much to drink. Where did you even get all this you're only 17"

"Ugh mind your business Goodman I get it's in your name but why cant you loosen up? You're being a lame"

I tried to shake off his words, I didnt know why he was acting this way but I tried to convince myself it was the alcohol talking not him.

"Baby you don't mean that, come on let's go wash up and go to bed okay? Come on" I gently took hold of his arm and tried to lead him up the stairs but he quickly yanked away from me.

"Stop calling me that I'm not fucking gay Cyrus. Whatever this is has to stop now it's getting old"

"TJ, I-"

"No dont look at me like that. I'm not gay I never was. Sure you're my friend but I figured I could win you and mess around some"

"I was wh- Is that all I was? Some prize to be won? A toy to be played with? You know what TJ no screw you!" I felt tears well up in my eyes and tried to stop them from falling but still they rolled down my cheeks.

"Don't cry. Cyrus dont cry please I'm sorry" TJ's tone and attitude changed and I didnt know what to believe. He was drunk and unstable.

"Just- just stop talking let's get you to bed"

"Cy I love you baby" he smiled softly at me, it was like he didnt remember the things he had said just a moment before

"Mhm come on into bed you go" I replied setting a trashcan down next to him. I decided not to sleep in his bed and took some blankets and pillows down stairs to the couch. I was woken up to the sound of TJ's voice the next morning.

"H-hey Cy goodmorning baby, how come you slept down here?"

"Do you not remember what happened last night?"

"No not really, but based on the massive headache I have right now and the fact that I reek of liquor, I assume I got drunk"

"That you did. As well as say some pretty nasty stuff"

"Oh no Cy I-"

"Dont. Just- Don't okay? Dont say sorry because itd be nothing more than empty air you dont even remember." I cut him off, a sense of bitterness in my tone.

"Cy what did i- what did I say?"

"I was you're prize, just a toy to be won.. You're not gay."

"Cyrus Im s-"

"Dont. Dont say it. Dont tell me you're sorry you dont mean it"

"I didnt mean for that to come out then I didn't-"

"So it was true?"

"No I-"

"Just- stop already TJ you're not helping. You were right about one thing last night. This needs to stop. I'm tired of being pushed around- pushed away when other people are around. The truth came out TJ, hopefully you can too" with tears running down my face I took my chance to leave at that. I never wanted to see him again.

****current time****

I looked up at Buffy who had a a soft expression on her face. I wiped tears away from my own as she pulled me into a hug

"Oh Cyrus you didnt deserve that. Not at all, nobody can treat my best friend like that. I'm gona go find him" she stated, getting up from the couch.

"Buffy no. That was 3 years ago, I should be over it by now"

"But you're not"

"I know I'm not Buffy but he probably doesn't even remember"

Buffy sighed but agreed to let things be and I heard a familiar knock pattern on my door.

"TJ's here..." I said a slight panic rising in me

"How do you know"

"That's his knock. Everytime he used to visit he would knock a bunch of times in a heartbeat rhythm"

"I'll kick him out-"

"No no just- you go home I'll call you later. Okay?"

"Fine okay"

We walked upstairs to the front door together and I opened it, sure enough it was TJ

"Hey Buffy.. Cyrus" TJ greeted us shly

"Kippen" Buffy responded coldly before walking out the door to leave "Bye Cyrus see you later" I waved for a moment before turning back to the blue eyed boy standing on my front porch.

"TJ..."

"Can I come in? Please we really should talk"

"About what? Theres nothing to talk about"

"About what happened before I left"

"I dont know what you mean" I responded playing dumb.

"Cyrus we both know that's not true or you wouldnt have run away at the spoon like you did." He looked at me with pleading eyes and I sighed stepping out of the doorway and letting him in. We sat down in the kitchen and I made him a cup of coffee.

"Cyrus I never meant to hurt you. The things I said- they weren't meant to be taken like that. I just I was drunk and I guess the delivery wasnt great"

"Yeah no kidding" I responded coldly, scoffing at him.

"I did love you Cyrus- I do. I just was scared. The day before.. my mom found out. She started screaming at me because she had seen us kissing. I- I panicked she had seen us on a nanny cam she told me to breakup with you. I never meant to but I knew the camera was there and I guess I just couldnt convey that I was acting.. she sent me away anyway"

"TJ.. I didn't- I didnt know.. I'm sorry"

"How were you supposed to?"

"I could have let you talk that morning... tell me..."

"It wasnt you're fault Cyrus"

I felt tears well up in my eyes, "yes it was! All these years I spent mad at you and it was my fault. I should have just let you explain and this wouldnt have happened I wouldn't have-" suddenly I felt TJs hands on my wrists as his lips pressed against mine. He started to pull away and then leaned back in, slowly loosening his grip on my wrists. Once he pulled away I took a deep breath

"God I missed that" he whispered softly

"Me too" I replied.

We sat there and talked for hours, we had 3 years of making up to do. And 3 years of anger, pain, and betrayal to deal with. But we had each other and that's what mattered.

#cyrus goodman #tj kippen #tyrus #andi mack #cyrus kippen #cyrus smitten #tj goodman #tj smitten #tyrus andi mack #tyrus moodboard #tyrus aesthetic #tj x cyrus #tyrus spoilers #tyrus fanfic #tyrus stan #tyrus is real #tyrus texting au #tyrus is endgame #tyrus meme #tyrus fic #tyrus fluff #tyrus fanart

[chrysanthemumpink]

My therapist wants me to get tested for ADHD and honestly, i don’t know how to feel. I didn’t tell her but this isn’t the first time the prospect of adhd has beem mentioned. It was talked about when I was younger. I didn’t learn to write letters till I was 8 years old. I could read just fine. I read letters, words, and “chapter books.” And I read them quite well. But I couldn’t write anything until I used special pencils and my mom held my hand and traced the letters. I learned to write by muscle memory. Letters, to me, became the weight of my mother’s hand and a conditioned response to the cold kitchen table and the smell of rice for dinner. Writing was a choreograophy flavored with the spoons my mom let me lick.

“Concentrate. Go slow. There you go!” my mom would say in her mom voice. She was proudest of lowercase “a”

I had a real adhd consultation in the 4th grade. But the test for adhd was expensive. It was too expensive for a 4th grader to comprehend but expensive enough for that 4th grader to see the disdain and desperation in their parents’ faces. I remember the exchange of papers, the scribbling of numbers, and my mom’s white people voice. It’s the voice she has when she’s pretending to buy something when in reality, she’s going to put the thing back, be content with the free samples, and roll her eyes as she walks away, never to return. “I wish i would....” we’d say.

“If it becomes a problem you’re gonna get tested,” they said.

They said it like it was a sentencing, a curse. But by “problem” they meant bad grades. And my grades were never bad. I actually took an IQ test in that same building. it was cheaper than an adhd test and they wanted to make sure there wern’t any “problems.” I dont remember the score. I dont like numbers and I didn’t care anyway. But I joined a class for gifted children so I never became “a problem.”

Yea, I had “behavior issues.” I was mean to other kids, and I still couldn’t write very well. But once you score enough AR points, teachers don’t care if you can write, if your shoe strings bother you, or if you break pencils when nervous. But adhd had always been in the back of my mind. How could I not? I rock back and forth all the time. “Stop,” my mom would say, “or you’ll get Altizmer’s like your grandma.” Grandma rocks back and forth all the time; I look just like her.

Where am i going with this? How am i supposed to feel? I was so happy when i got diagnosed with bipolar ii. That was supposed to be the end. I could finally understand and fix what was wrong with me. And i know that something is wrong. But it turns out that was only part of the dumpster fire that is my own brain. But what now? Is the list of mental defects just gonna keep growing? Am I just gonna keep discovering what is wrong with me? I had a meeting with my thesis advisor yesterday. I mispelled a lot of words. Again. And MLA 8 ia confusing. Will I ever finish my PhD?

I draw circles when people talk to me, it helps me remember what they are saying. If the information is really important, I play tic tac toe. I need music to work, preferably video game/movie music, because I can reimagine the story in my head. The daydreams take up the background noise in my head. I wake up at 4am because I can’t just wakeup, get dressed, and go to work at 10. I need time to transition between wake up, brush teeth, eat breakfast, drink coffee, get dressed, etc.

I am also very messy and I lose things, so my solution is to own nothing. I own one plate and one bowl. There’s one pot, one skillet, one fork, and one spoon. I have two baking sheets. 8 dishes means I will never get overwhelmed with dirty dishes. I’ve also embraced minimalism with my clothing. Few clothing means I don’t get overwhelmed by laundry. A small purse means that I don’t get overwhelmed by what fits inside. In bed, I don’t sleep underneath the covers. I sleep above the covers and shield myself with a light blanket instead. Making my bed stresses me out so my solution is to never sleep in it, i just lie on top of it with my blanket. I don’t even disturb the decrative pillows. I don’t use a pillow at all. It gets cold sometimes but I can’t buy a new blanket. I will get overwhelmed. Im very messy and I dont trust myself with things.

My therapist says its anxiety. When my mania appeared I was bipolar ii, and now I am, perhaps, adhd. I just don’t know what to think anymore? Why am I even thinking at all? My brain doesn’t even work!

#mental health #adhd #adhd brain #bipolar ii

[brokenhayatim]

[now playing: in her honor by sleeping at last]

so after 3 whole months i’ve finally decided to call my neurosurgeon back. also my neurologist is gonna hate me buttt. my neurologist is obvs busy so the receptionist tells me he’ll give me a call. i dont know why i’m nervous. i spend the day waiting, mentally prepping, and he doesn’t call so i figure later in the week then. i get a call today, recognizing the number’s area code and answer with a hello..? and it’s a woman. somehow, i’m chill now. it’s his nurse that was in the room with me for my visit. along with two other residents i made a fool of myself in front of. she recommends that since it’s been so long (huh!) that i should come in to talk more. obviously can’t do that since i live in another state, so i just tell her what i called about which was the surgery name, she happily gives that to me and i realize just how bad i am at writing med vocab so im like ......can you spell that last part [low laugh] and i can hear her smiling as she goes through the whole word giving me “c like cat.” I ask more questions about it, and about wanting to do another mri. me?? sick of doing those?? wants another??? it’s just that i feel like something got worse and i want validation i guess? i wanna know that what i’m feeling is actually wrong. which the mri may or may not even prove yet but. anyways, she recommends that i come in, after i ask if i can do the mri by me first (they usually take a while to get) and i tell her maybe sometime in december. she calls me back two hours later, to tell me he’s agreed on me doing it here and she’s sending me the two orders.

i’ve been thinking about this surgery almost non-stop for these months and pushing off this call to find out the name to do more research bc it’s been so long and too careless. it’s nothing urgent or life-threatening to seem that way logically i know, but to me i feel careless and remiss of me. now that i have more information though, now that i have these mri orders and an email saying to let them know when i complete the scans..it just feels worse. before, while i was idly ignoring this problem of many it was like coming back home with a suitcase of clean, new clothes. clothes that i should probably rewash and hang up, but they could stay down in that red suitcase for months and i just take out what’s needed. it sorts itself out eventually. i’ll get to finishing that eventually. now though, with everything going on, there’s just three suitcases lying around my room with dirty clothes i need to wash, i don’t know which colors to do first, whether i need one thing important in each for right now, or if i just throw all of it away because i’m confused. they’ve started to overpower my room’s scent so i should try to chill out and light some candles. nothing will work, till i open these suitcases and work on this. 

but the thing is with me, number one, i’m already having 11 crises right now and this has just added to the pile called ‘i don’t even wanna think about but need to like..now’ and my mind feels like its being pulled in every motion possible, with every outcome not being certain. and i don’t take risks, i don’t put myself in unknowns unless the net balance is 0 or positive. the slight possibility of something wrong happening, i can’t do that anymore. i’ve grown up living in that negative interval and i just can’t do that anymore. i’ve built myself in a way that stops me from even considering that as a choice. 

anyways, this is for another day but i’ve been thinking about love and loss for me, how they’re so intertwined to the point where i see loving someone more as this sense of loss in many aspects. but i’ve grown up, gotten through the toughest and saddest parts of my life with pain. pain was this fearful monster that threatened to rip everything away, then soon turned into this itchy blanket i used every night that i became attached to. attached to this point of me being afraid to get rid of even some ounce, because maybe, just maybe, it’ll all go away and the girl under that blanket won’t like what her body became. what she let her body become. 

i’m not afraid of surgery, i’m gonna hate the recovery dates, but i’m not afraid. there’s this part of me, so rooted deep, that just wants something terribly wrong to happen and i just. like you know in the movies when that girl has her father go in and they reassure her it’ll be a few hours and soo minimal, and they come out with this terrible look and she’s confused and wrecked. i’m afraid of the opposite. being okay. being this pain-free person. what twisted person is afraid of that. god, im terrified. this logical objective part of me is going through these scans and reading my diagnosis and thinking about that time i couldn’t feel my legs or wanted to just break down and cry from my migraines. i think of her wanting to throw up in class but pushing to make another hour, then giving in and go home crying to sleep. that me, says do it, you’ll get better of course. then this other me just keeps refusing. my therapist once said i seem to always have physical pain that matches my emotional, especially if one is dormant, the other is there. and i can’t seem to figure out why i hate happiness, or why i’m afraid of being healthy so badly. it’s like a risk to me. an unfamiliar risk i just know won’t last, and never has. 

so i made my mri appointments last night, with that logical me pushing forward. but i wanna be other me so bad...and probably will....i hate making commitments man. 

#big yikes baby #rando thoughts #this started off so good yest with my mind and its become mush #asiya's thoughts

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

#asks #long post #friends

[mbakusthrone]

Work For Me: Chapter 5 1/2

M’BAKU’s POV

I have been prescribed four different sleep medications over the course of six months, I’ve seen two different specialists, one of which tried to make me use lamaze breathing. It didn’t work. I’ve tried sleep routines, white noise machines, hell I even tried warm milk and tea. And still, I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling, eyes dry and bloodshot from the lack of sleep.

To pass the excruciatingly boring time, I went over my to do list in my head. I needed the reports for the Rio Deal done by this week. I knew Y/N would have it done, she always would. My closet needed a renovation, I’ll probably have Y/N hire an organizer if I don’t have her do it myself. Y/N would have to go through files and weed out the non active clients…

- “You seem to talk about Y/N a lot.” - The words of my therapist echoed in my ears.

- “She’s my personal assistant. She’s with me everywhere I go, so she’d obviously come up a lot.” -

- “You talk about her even more than Kuhle it seems.” -

- “What are you saying?” -

- “I’m saying, much of your life seems to revolve around her.” -

- “Wrong! Her life revolves around me.I am the boss. SHE is the assistant.” -

- “Do you enjoy that?” -

- “What??” -

- “Do you enjoy that she spends all her time with you?” -

- “Listen, I-” -

- “M’Baku, it seems to me that you are dependent on her. Your schedules, appointments, she even picks out your toothbrushes. Y/N is the one who schedules all of our sessions. Is that healthy? I think maybe, just maybe, your life revolves around her.” -

​The session didn’t last long after that. My temper doesn’t last too long. After a few choice words, I left. I didn’t realize I didn’t have a way to get home until I saw Frank, my driver, outside, Y/N had called him to pick me up. As much as I hated to think about it, what would I do without her?

​My phone began to buzz, I ignored it. It was probably Kuhle, trying to force her way back into our marriage. If you could even call it a marriage. I loved Kuhle at one point, at least I think that is what is was. But at some point, it just became a business deal with sex. It didn’t help that no matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t make a baby. There was something I wanted, I couldn’t put a name to it. Of course, Kuhle didn’t take the divorce papers too well. She sent me a rejection letter, to the divorce papers….ha! Then cue the arguments, the lawyers, the money, the burning of my entire wardrobe…

​That reminded me to tell Y/N to order more socks for my drawer, I grabbed my phone to text her when I saw that I had a voicemail from her. I couldn’t think of a time when she had ever left me anything besides a text or a short call. Curious, I pressed play.

​-HEY!!- The volume made me jump at her voice. Was she…? -SIR! BOSS! BIG GUY! YEAH YOU DIDN’T ANSWER, IM SUPER DRUNK RIGHT NOW- Yes, Yes she was. -I DONT FIND IMANI RIGHT NOW, I NEED HELP. THERES A BAR...IM ALONE I THINK. HEY! LEAVE ME ALONE. ANYWAYS...CAN YOU RIDE ME A GIVE? THERES A BAR WITH A PIG ON IT. HEY! DUDE, SERIOUSLY.”

​I sat straight up. Who was there with her? Was someone hurting her? Was it a man? I flipped over the covers and grabbed my keys.

​Y/N was….a very loud drunk. Her face was flushed from the cold and her eyes were hazed and lazy. She was yelling about something, I couldn’t tell because she was so damn loud. I stumbled into my house, Y/N strewn over my back as I carried her. Every now and then, her soft cheek would brush against mine. The smell of her perfume was making me lightheaded. Climbing the stairs, she wrapped her arms around my chest to balance herself. I forced my mind to go blank. It was something I often had to do at the office. Whenever she was playing with one of her curls, or chewing on her lip, or just...existing really, I would catch myself staring and force my brain to think of absolutely nothing. If I kept staring, if felt like there was something coming, maybe a, dare I say, FEELING. And I don’t have feelings. Not for assistants. Or anyone or anything for that matter.

​Y/N simmered down to a quiet mumbling. I turned my head, my face millimeters away from hers. She had nice skin. She was sleeping. I turned off my brain and headed to my bed. Gently, I laid her down and pulled the covers over her. She picked out the linens, so she might as well be the one to sleep in them if I couldn’t.

​“Wait…” She murmured, her eyes were closed, but her eyebrows were furrowed together and her red mouth turned to a frown. “I can’t sleep in this…” I watched in horror as she sat up and started to unzip her dress.

“Uh! Uh..” I swiftly turned around and faced the wall, my heart beating in my throat. I stood completely frozen as I heard her drop her dress on the floor. Still facing the wall, I shuffled across the room and opened my dresser drawer. Pulling out a shirt, I threw it over my shoulder in her direction. “Put that on...right now.” I ordered. I listened to what I hoped was her putting on the shirt and getting back under the covers. Hesitantly, I turned around. She was fast asleep. I sighed in relief and held my chest. Our work relationship was turning into an HR disaster.

I walked to my bedside chair and sat in it. She looked so peaceful, and calm. Y/N never looked like that around me. Her face was always pulled into a half scowl. My eyes traveled the curve of her nose, the arch of her eyebrows, the shape of her lips…

Wait, was this weird? Was I being a weird boss right now? I laid my head back in the chair, not caring about the obvious crick in my neck it would create. I could have Y/N schedule me an appointment to fix it, or maybe have Y/N buy me a massage chair with neck support, or maybe have Y/N…

My eyes felt heavy and I felt my head cloud over. My last thoughts were Y/N as I drifted off into a deep sleep.

Work For Me Taglist

@turn-thy-paige

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#m’baku #black panther #m’baku imagine #m’baku x reader #black panther fanfiction #fanfiction #m’baku fic #black reader #m’baku imagines #work for me

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

#bunni is gone #alas #mourn they #soon to be departed from the web