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#anyway . kinda fucked up bc my mom literally told me my grandma said
ifeelsoemptysometimes · 8 months
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I have a gynecology appointment and I'm terrified out of my mind. Just thinking about it makes me feel my anxiety in my throat and tear well up in my eyes. Maybe I've just thought about it too much but im just. So afraid. I told my grandma how I've had a pelvic exam as a kid and I'm pretty sure I was left traumatized from that bc what else explains my strong aversion amd fear?? She looked sorry for me but of course wasn't able to say much to me. She told mu aunt and she said I was just embarrassed and nervous. Nut I knwo those feel like, and sure I do feel those things its normal to fee like that but I also feel such a deep and strong fear. Panic attack level fear. That's not embarrassment or nervousness. Of course I understand that she of all people wouldn't have really understood so I didn't take it to heart. It's not like she knows me anyways. I also told my mom and she also didn't know what to say and told me so. It felt nice to be honest. She didn't just brush me off as if im being crazy. Bare minimum I suppose. But yea. She said that she wanted me to do it in the States but idk how much it's gonna cost me there. It's only gonna be 800 pesos here which is about,, 60 bucks? So it's literally do obvious. And my cousin is gonna go with me instead. I cant help but worry tho. I'm afraid that I'll have a panic attack and that I'll be called crazy. I tend to shut down-ish, depending the situation, and if im conscious, I'll try to calm down but it seems that if someone tries to touch me I'll freak out and start screaming. It's kinda harrowing imo. Not to mention the draining of energy that happens afterwards. I'm afraid that they'll think im fucking crazy or some shit. That's even more embarrassing in itself. I'm also afraid that I'll spiral bc of it, fall into some sort of depression... I know im just catastrophizing but I can't help it. I'm so terrified that I could vomit. No one i I talk to understands how I feel and it's so distressing. I need to keep talking about it till someone understands. I need someone to understand my fear and not just think im being exaggerated or a crybaby. This being said... I hate how it makes me wish Donnie could just hold me and tell me I'll be okay. For him to hold my hand and just confort me. I'm so pathetic. But hey that's how I cope I guess. It feels like thats they only thing that could relieve me. Ugh. So stupid. So yea. I'm just... not well. I suppose I'll update myself on here tomorrow. How knows maybe it won't be as bad as I feel it will be. Maybe im just my chronic anxiety talking. Maybe. Well see.
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faerielleart · 2 years
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Hi sorry you don’t have to answer this! But I’ve seen you speak about LGBTQ+ and from my understanding you are a part? So I want to ask I have been dealing with my self identity and struggles and I want to ask if you can share experiences and how you find out since I think I am not straight to be sure… Thank you I hope this ask doesn’t put you in uncomfortable place.
yo anon hello!! 👋 no worries, i’m not in any way uncomfortable and i’m always happy to help if i can
first of all, keep in mind that not everyone’s experiences are the same and what i went through in my journey to exploring my sexual identity might be completely different from what someone else went through, hence take what i say with a huge grain of salt and know that everyone’s experiences are perfectly valid
alright hhhhh well my story’s pretty funny actually LMAO i think i already answered this some other time iirc? but yeah i started “having doubts” in middle school. i wasn’t interested in boys, i was genuinely meh in front of any dude my female friends found cute, i never thought about dating and i never thought about marriage. some people (my family) called me a “late bloomer”, my classmates secretly made fun of me for being “gay”.
thing is, i was obviously gay but i didnt know at the time- however everyone else did 💀💀💀 i was out there saying shit like “i wish men didn’t exist” “i wish the planet was only populated by women” and stuff like that on the DAILY and each time my classmates looked at me like 👁👄👁 and it was like the class’ inside joke that i wasn’t a part of. i was bullying victim unfortunately and i was the class punching bag 🚶‍♀️
one day, i was at my (at the time) best friend’s birthday party and all the girls in class were invited with some boys to her house. i remember we were playing truth or dare, my turn came and i chose truth; there was this girl who hated me with all her heart for no reason whatsoever and loved humiliating me while pretending to be my friend and i was too much of a pushover to say anything to her, anyway bitch started laughing and yelled in front of everyone “IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’RE A LESBIAN?????” and i was ,,,,, pretty much shocked. firstly i thought that was a dirty word, i had never known lesbians irl and i only knew gay men and i kinda associated lesbians with something taboo? i think i was maybe 11 or 12 years old but it was all peer influence, i was lucky to have parents who were never homophobic and never taught me to hate? so this “hesitation” towards this word was something that was instilled into me by my schoolmates who treated it as if it was something shameful and to make fun of. anyway, i told that girl to mind her own business and i was silent and sulking for the rest of the party.
several days later i was at the mall with my parents who asked me what was wrong bc i had been behaving weirdly since the party and i remember telling them exactly “we were playing a game and [girl’s name] asked me if i were…” and i didn’t finish the sentence. “if you were?” and i still was hesitant to answer but then i said “gay” in a really small voice and i remember getting super flustered and feeling so embarrassed?? and my parents just looked at each other and i think that was the start of everything lol in the next years through middle and high school i was so confused about myself i was refusing to label myself bc i thought i was “figuring myself out” and for a long while i thought i was bisexual. i used to tell my ex best friend about these doubts that i had and she was always a bit weird about it 🧍‍♀️
she randomly asked me shit like “do you wanna have sex with a guy? if you had a boyfriend would you have sex with him? would you suck his dick?” and shit like that and i always was so embarrassed about answering those questions? because my answer was always a straight up no, but i thought something was wrong with me if i didnt wanna do stuff with men. despite that, i still didnt truly question my attraction to men, i just went “yeah i mean all girls secretly think that men are ugly right that’s normal” for SO MANY YEARS LOL i thought everyone had the same experience??? i reached the point where i was 100% sure of my attraction to girls and i was forcing myself to be attracted to men as well bc “that’s the right thing for me”. i forced myself to be enthusiastic when my friends talked about boyfriends, i forced myself to pretend to have a crush on celebrities and THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT LIKE ONE TIME I WAS WATCHING THIS TV SHOW WITH MY MOM AND THERE WAS I THINK ORLANDO BLOOM AS A GUEST AND I GOT THE IDEA OF PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM BC I THOUGHT HE WAS “THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN EVER” AND I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR INSISTENTLY TELLING MY MOM “LOOK AT HIM HE IS SO ATTRACTIVE OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM” TO SHOW MY MOM I LIKED MEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀 I DID THAT A LOT IT’S LIKE I WANTED VALIDATION FOR IT i want to bury myself in sand thinking of this
anyway after an extremely failed coming out to my grandma whom i saw for the first time ever expressing disgust at the thought of me potentially being attracted to women i was terrified to do it again and i refused to tell any other member of my family. i still haven’t truly come out and i don’t think i ever will tbh even if i know my parents would love me and accept me regardless i still think of my grandma’s reaction and i start legit crying whenever i think of that
march 2020 comes and i finally accept that i am a lesbian. how did that happen? i was watching harry potter and i went “holy shit i wanna fuck hermione” literally that’s it nothing else. nothing else. that was that. that’s how i knew 100% i was a lesbian and i was tired of pretending i wasn’t. don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how but that’s literally what happened.
and that’s when everything started making sense tbh? like i just felt as if i had a huge huge burden lifted off myself for the first time ever? i said it out loud and i felt happy? the more i said it, the happier i felt? through the years i had always known deep down i didn’t like men, i was just pretending i was, comp-het was hitting me SO HARD and then finally i stopped letting it influence me.
what helped me was asking myself extremely specific questions after that to be sure, in the same fashion my ex bestie used to be weird about it when i “came out” to her. i imagined myself in really specific situations with fantasy boyfriends, i asked myself what i liked about men and the answer was always “nothing”, i asked myself “could i be capable of falling in love with a man?” and the way i was setting standards so high and ridiculous for any human for my “dream man” was the obviously negative answer to that question, i asked myself more intimate questions like “if it came down to it would you ever actually sleep with a man?” and the answer was always a solid no. basically putting myself in theoretical situations is what helped me finally understand. i had done that through the years and my answers were the same since the beginning, but i still refused to admit the truth to myself, until one day i just stopped.
and that’s my journey LOL it’s kinda pathetic tbh,,,,,, i could’ve been much happier with myself if i had just admitted it to myself since the beginning, bc deep down i always knew. would’ve spared me years of not feeling okay with myself, would’ve spared me years of surrounding myself with the wrong people who caused me terrible pain every time i heard them say lesbians are disgusting. but anyway, what’s done is done and i’m just happy now i get to be free and accept myself for who i am, unapologetically. on the internet. bc in real life i’m still traumatized 🚶‍♀️
i think questions are the easiest place to start. imagine yourself in situations, ask yourself how would you act and why. figure yourself out bit by bit and take your time to understand what you like. don’t ever let yourself feel pressured by anyone, don’t even let yourself feel pressured by the need of labels. don’t let anyone tell you your experiences are wrong or not valid, don’t let anyone tell you there’s a set way to explore your identity, don’t force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. if you need to vent, my dms are always open. be happy exploring your identity, there is no right way to do it. and remember that you’re always valid. 💜
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startwithbrooklyn · 2 years
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THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / OCTOBER 3, 2019 // the trial
(TW SUICIDE)
it's the reveal!!!! love that for her hope shes thriving (shes not) again w the two minutes of the next episode to sync the dates
-lmaoooo so i honestly wonder why they went for the full pulling-it-out-the-throat thing but idk (an interesting foil to her getting sick for more stereotypical reasons ie s2 "people find out theyre grandparents every day"
-I LOVE THIS GEORGE HAIR
-"i'd do anything for nancy" okay but....why 👀bit of an odd reaction imo
-bess with spilling the truth again 😂and gets shot down. tragic #shetried
-wait sooooo nobody tested the fingerprints on the knife when this shit happened?? or that tech didnt exist in 2000? i mean without a body how could they even call it murder? and who told the police?? like if the drews took the baby, the dress, and said nothing, who tells the cops shes missing or even dead? how did they know to search the bluffs? who told the media/public? it had to have happened that same night because ryan said when he got there later there were already rumors she was killed. after the baby and bloody dress, only her crown, a knife, and tire tracks were left. how did anyone find anything at this remote bluff without some kind of tip off? and why on earth would they think murder and not suicide with so little evidence?? thats gotta be like suicide central, sorry for the trigger
-"a little help, lucy?!" lucy seems unable to disobey a direct request from nancy (ie "lucy, stop" from later in the ep) when nancy speaks directly to her. so maybe if nancy had spoken aloud/engaged more lucy could have appeared more? nancy said she only comes around when she wants to but what if nancy herself could do a bit more, being the last thing lucy touched and all
-so in ep 2 when nancys in jail carson says "great grandma rosalind buried her valuables in the trunk" including the knives shown here. did carson and kates families even know about nancy? how did they explain not announcing a pregnancy or birth?
-"oh." john lmfaoooo
-BESS lmaoooo and ace's looks in the background and then at seeing nick approaching lmfaooo oh no / also why on earth is she apologizing?? he dumped her but she has to be sorry he found out she fucked someone else? someone nicer pls explain to me bc i dont get it. she dont owe him shit
-george is SO CUTE lmfaoooo and so forward and he was so shook but then he was like "oh hell yeah"
-"is he a vampire?!" ik nobody i knew got that reference 😂
-this entire search of the claw is a sham. what are they even looking for. clearly a set up by tamura but why/what does he suspect them of. esp w karen as accomplice, story should be airtight so why are they still investigating?
-john + ace dream team 💙
-god ace is such a yes-man. why is he so fucking loyal?? people like him are insane. how are they real. i suspect they arent. and no matter what you do you are never worthy of their unending loyalty anyway.
-so in the Good Place nancy was the one who had the key but in reality its ryan
-wonder if lucy's listening to ryan here talking about his love and grief for her
-"you were throwing away your future on a nothing girl" - nancy & ryan - their fathers dont want them to see "troubled" kids, want them to focus on school instead --> which they both struggle with and eventually do not achieve (maybe bc they want their kids to leave horseshoe bay?) for nancy its an interesting vice for someone whos really a goody two shoes/for ryan its subverted bc karen actually did worse than him ie committed real crimes
-"stay away from my family" surprise bitch bet you thought youd seen the last of me 😉
-interestingly, ryan probably would have agreed with karen about switching the ballot boxes but he wouldnt have really understood the social consequences. both josh and karen are determined to see ryan as the bad guy when actually he didnt do anything, they did. 🤔
-karen is such a ride or die friend. again w the loyalty. if someone swapped ballot boxes for me i'd be touched. im sure going into active labor made lucy a bit upset but damn. what a friend.
-wonder when nancy starts calling her "Lucy" instead of "dead lucy"
-lucy primarily haunting her own house/love seeing this house overtaken by nature
-the concept of writing things down : starting from the first ep, nancy's journal (then and now), writing out simon cards, similar cemetary cards in the Good Place, "beautiful minding it," culminating in lucy's journal / writing it down to help figure it out/when theres too much going on to keep it inside
-"i'll make a salad" NICK LMAOOO
-wonder what happened to carson's old lawyer?
-"my testimony begins in the summer of 1999" because your story always starts with your mother's story
-lmfaoooooo this shit taking the stand is soooo never allowed but oh well
-"she stole a knife" and carson's face lmfaooooo he knows its not true but what could he fucking say?? no?
-"i love you mom, i hope you never find this." ironic bc nancy didnt want her dad to find her journal either
-lucy never wanted anyone to find out how she died d/t shame- but she didnt want carson to go to jail for it so she finally allowed it (or just couldnt refuse nancy asking)
-"i'm sorry for what you lost"/"i'm never gonna be free from them"
-awww ace/mcginnis goodbye / i wonder if ace is nervous thinking about tamura --> ace's dad since chief mcginnis covered for ace out of respect for his dads sacrifice but tamura would throw both ace and his dad under the bus just to get at nancy (get at her via ace? since he was already used as the blackmail plot device? they kinda touched in this in s2 but not fully)
-okay sooo why are they still doing this forensic analysis thing? like the whole things over so whats the point. i wonder if john had packed up and gone home what coulda happened
-nancy/carson - interrupted moments:
•family dinner interrupted by nancy's accsations
•being home after finding ted interrupted by carson's arrest
•celebration of dropped charges interrupted by nancy discovering the truth about her parentage
-"i cooked your favorite to celebrate" ironic bc shes upset that hes not her "real" dad but he IS because he knows her best. like theyre literally proving it right in front of her. vs ryan whom she doesnt really want anyway AND rejects requests to get to know her. like come on sis. his 20 years of parenting you arent going away, ever. deal w it.
-carson's little smile before he said "'mom never hurt lucy" like he knows this is the end / scott's acting here just kills me
~~~~~~~~~
-why did the drews come back at all? and why did kate really keep the dress? carson says she did it as a link to lucy, but did kate want to keep it to be connected to lucy? or did she bury it to keep lucy repressed? is this a positive or a negative? +keeping in attic - did lucy start to haunt kate, so she unburied the dress?
and lastly:
-why doesnt lucy haunt everett and celia hudson? she kind of does ie painting but only when nancy visits bc shes actually haunting nancy. isnt everything the hudsons' fault?
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ificanthaveu · 4 years
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Snow in California || Shawn Mendes
Description: After a snow emergency, Shawn is left having to spend Christmas with your family. It’d be completely fine if it weren’t for the fact that they all assumed he’s your boyfriend.
Description per my notes (aka JUMBLY): you’re stuck in LA for Christmas but lucky for you my family’s here so you can just come with me….except there’s a catch, I told my family I have a boyfriend
A/N: Dani is EARLY with a FIC? ya bc she got plans tonight ope anyway ok this is LOOSELY based on “Snow in California” by Ariana Grande, and that wasn’t on purpose but then I was thinking of a title and I’m like wait it’s kinda like the song so I just rolled with it bc this bitch sucks at titles :) also there’s a lil part that parallels “A Christmas Miracle” and I wanna see if anyone catches it ;)
Word Count: 5.9k
12 Days of Ficmas
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You watched the clock carefully, waiting for it to hit noon so Shawn would be done with this interview and you could finally get something to eat. You clicked through emails and scheduled a few more things before it would start to die down with Christmas being two days away.
You got lost in trying to schedule an interview for Shawn when you felt something kick your foot. You looked up to see Shawn looking down at you.
“Ready for some damn lunch?” He said, obviously just as hungry as you were. 
“Hell freaking yes,” you said as you slammed your laptop shut and followed him out the door to your car. 
You threw your bag in the back seat and started down the road to a small restaurant the two of you had been wanting to try. 
“When do you see your family?” Shawn asked once you pulled on top the main road. 
“I’ll probably leave midday tomorrow. See my grandparents on Christmas Eve night, and then hang out with my family on Christmas Day,” you said with a smile, not being able to wait for it to be Christmas. 
“Your flight leaves at 6:00 tomorrow, right?” you said as you glanced over at him.
He nodded his head with a small smile. 
“It’s only three days, but I can’t wait,” he said softly. 
You pulled into the parking lot, and Shawn stayed in the car while you ran in to grab your take out order. You got back in the car and plopped the large bag of food on Shawn’s lap.
“My place or yours?” You asked before you backed out.
“Mine. I need to bounce that song idea off you,” Shawn said. 
You nodded your head, remembering what he had told you before. 
“As long as we’re at that meeting at 5:00, we should be good,” you thought out loud as you turned onto Shawn’s street.
You and Shawn made your way up to his condo, getting ready to eat the food you could smell the whole ride home. 
You opened his door and were met with his cheerfully decorated living room that he spent so much time on. You sat down by the island and started pulling out food, wanting to try a little bit of everything. Shawn sat across from you, taking the food as you handed it to him. 
You ate in silence for a few minutes as you looked at your phones. A weather alert popped up. Blizzards around Toronto. You didn’t say anything, hoping it’d pass by or Shawn would never see it. 
You set your phone down after a while, talking to Shawn about the interview he just did, and your plans for your few days you both got to spend at home. You couldn’t get the blizzard warning out of your head. 
“Hey, did you see the weather warning?” You asked casually. 
Shawn furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head. 
“There’s supposed to be blizzards around Toronto starting tonight,” you said slowly and carefully. 
Shawn’s face stayed blank, thinking it through. He picked his phone back up to check his email. His face dropped. 
“My flight was canceled,” he said under his breath. He scrolled mercilessly, trying to refresh the page, hoping this was a mistake. 
“Can you maybe find one for Christmas Eve?” You said, immediately pulling out your laptop to search for a new flight for him.
Thirty minutes of Shawn scrolling on his phone, and you looking at every possible way home on your laptop, it was hopeless. There were no flights going into Toronto until two days after Christmas. 
You sat on the arm of his couch, watching him pace back and forth as he talked to someone from the airport. He tugged at his hair and finally sat down on the edge of the couch right next to you. You moved your hand carefully to his back, rubbing it up and down as he tried to speak calmly to the person on the other end. 
“No…no, it’s fine. I get it. Yeah…thanks anyway,” Shawn said as he hung up the phone throwing it on the ground and resting his head in his hand. 
You continued to rub his back, and after a moment, he leaned into you, resting the side of his head on your knee. You could feel his wet cheeks soaking into your jeans. You threaded your fingers through his hair, not talking quite yet. 
You could feel his body shake as his shoulder bumped against your thigh. You moved your hand back down to his shoulders, resting your hand on his opposite one. 
“I’m so sorry, Shawn,” you finally whispered. 
He didn’t say anything. Instead, he let out a sob he definitely didn’t mean for you to hear. At that, you gently pushed him over a little, moving directly next to him and pulled his head into your chest. He adjusted to lay on the couch, his long legs hanging off the end as he rested his head on your lap and you continued to play with his hair. 
You typed out a quick text to Andrew, telling him what happened. He promptly canceled the meeting that was supposed to happen in an hour and asked if he could help with anything.
But there wasn’t.
Because it was two days before Christmas, and Shawn just found out he can’t spend it with his family. 
Instead of saying that, you just told him you’d let him know. 
You sat there with Shawn’s head laid in your lap for longer than you could keep track of. You watched the sunset from his living room window, still running your fingers through his hair as a gentle reminder that you were there when he needed to talk.
After probably an hour, he finally said, “This fucking sucks,” as he turned over to look up at you.
You nodded your head slowly as you looked down at him, “I know.”
It went silent again as he stared up at the ceiling. 
“What am I going to do?” He said barely above a whisper. 
“Anyone here will be glad to have you over. You could always go with Andrew or Josiah, and my family would love to have you as well,” you said. 
“Would they?” He asked as his voice broke.
You nodded your head and said, “Of course, you know they love you.”
He fell silent as he continued to look up at you, and you awaited his answer. 
“When are you leaving?” He asked.
“Tomorrow around 1:00 probably. We’re just going to my grandparents,” you explained. “And then Christmas morning we have breakfast and open gifts just with my family and spend the day lounging around doing absolutely nothing.”
“Are you sure I wouldn’t be intruding?”
“Shawn, my uncle’s ex-wife’s kids with her new husband came to our family Christmas last year. Trust me, everyone is welcome, especially you,” you said. 
“Ok,” he mumbled. “Should I bring flowers or something?”
“You don’t have to, but my grandma is a sucker for flowers,” you said as a small smile finally spread across his face.
“I feel like I should get your family presents, too,” he said as he thought this all through.
“You know you don’t have to,” you said. “Your presence is gift enough.”
He finally sat up and stood up quickly, stumbling a little as the blood rushed from his head.
“Will you go Christmas shopping with me?” He asked quickly as he glanced at the time. “The mall should still be open for two more hours, and I don’t know what your family likes.”
You nodded your head and stood up, following him to the door and then to his car. 
You took a few minutes in the car to call your parents and let them know. 
“Hello, dear!” Your mom cheerfully answered her phone.
“Hey, how are you doing with the Christmas prepping?” You asked as you played with the bottom of your shirt.
“Really good! I wish you’d bring that boyfriend of yours though,” she said with a huff.
You side glanced at Shawn, hoping he couldn’t hear what your mom was saying to you on the phone. Your mom had been trying to set you up with every guy around your age for the past few months, so you told her you were seeing someone. You “refused to tell her his name” so she didn’t “stalk him on social media,” but really, he just didn’t exist.
“Well, I am bringing someone actually. Shawn’s coming with,” you said.
“I should’ve known Shawn was the guy you were seeing! The way you two are always together even when you’re not working. Oh! Your dad will be so happy to hear this,” she rambled on.
Your eyes nearly bugged out of your head. “Mom, I don’t-“
She cut you off before you could finish, “I gotta go, honey, I’ll see you tomorrow!”
And with that, she hung up. 
You dropped the phone into your lap and banged your head against the window.
A look of panic spread across Shawn’s face.
“They don’t want me to come, do they? I should’ve known. It’s fine, really-“ 
You cut him off, “No, no, they’re really excited you’re coming,” you said with a little too much sarcasm, confusing Shawn further. 
“That doesn’t sound like you’re serious,” he said slowly.
“They think we’re dating,” you said, not daring to look at him, as he whipped his head around to look at you. 
“Why?” Shawn said with a laugh. 
You groaned and rested your face in your hands, shaking your head as Shawn continued to laugh to himself.
“I told them I was seeing someone to get them off my back, and when I saw I was bringing you, she assumed,” you said. “And before I could correct her, she was hanging up on me.”
“If this were to happen to literally anyone, it’d be you,” Shawn said. 
“I’ll call her back later and explain,” you mumbled, looking down at your phone.
“Don’t,” Shawn said quickly.
You looked over at him and raised your eyebrow as he kept his eyes on the road.
“I mean…you’re letting me spend Christmas with your family, the least I can do is pretend to be your boyfriend, so your family gets off your back,” he said. 
You studied him as he stayed serious. 
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” You said with hesitation evident in your voice.
“[Y/N], it’ll be easy. It’s for three days. I’ve just gotta throw my arm around you occasionally and embellish our everyday stories a little bit. Trust me. No one will even know,” he said with maybe a little too much confidence.
“So, when did we start dating?” You asked him.
“Well, what did you tell your mom?” He turned the question back at you. 
“I first said I was seeing someone…beginning of October? So we’ve been together since September,” you said.
“What day?” He said. 
“Does it matter?”
“Well, yeah. What if someone asks each of us individually what day, and we say different days?” He said.
“Alright, then it was the twelfth,” you said, thinking of a random date. 
“We were in New York that week. Perfect,” he said as he pulled into the parking lot of the mall. “How did we find out we had feelings for each other?”
“You wrote a song about me,” you said with admiration in your eyes and a hand to your heart. 
He gave you a look, “Really?”
“Yes, really. Come on, it’s really not difficult to believe at all,” you said with a scoff. 
“Is it?” He asked as he parked and got out of the car. 
You followed suit and walked towards the entrance with him. 
“You write songs about every girl that’s looked at you. Of course, you wrote one about me,” you said.
“Ouch,” he said under his breath. 
“You’re only saying that because I’m right,” you taunted. 
“Ok, fine. I wrote a song about you. How did you find out it was about you?” He diverted.
“You played it for me, and you referenced a specific memory that happened between the two of us. So I was able to put two and two together,” you said as the two of you walked in and started walking down the first row of stores. 
“And what’s the memory?” He continued.
“I’m doing all the hard work. You pick the memory,” you said, turning into one of your sister’s favorite stores. 
“Does it have to be a real memory, or can I make that up?” He said as you tried to find the sweater your sister wanted.
“It probably should be real, so we can stay as close to the truth as possible,” you said. 
“Alright…” he trailed off, thinking about his time spent with you. “That time we went shopping at midnight, and then you got me in that car accident.”
“It was not my fault!” You defended as you threw the sweater at him. “She’s been looking at this for weeks, and my mom couldn’t find it anywhere. She’ll love you forever.”
Shawn held up the sweater and nodded his head, “Perfect. And it was totally your fault.”
You and Shawn wandered around the mall as you helped him pick out gifts for your family. Two hours later and you walked out with four gifts and the perfectly fabricated story. 
It was late by the time you got back to your apartment, plopping down on the couch, wanting to go to bed, but knowing you had nothing packed yet. 
Shawn was coming over at 8:00 the next morning to ensure you had all your lies in order, so the packing had to be done now. 
You slowly got up and trudged to your bedroom. You grabbed the outfit you were wearing for Christmas Eve and hung it up on your door to put on the next morning. You threw your Christmas pajamas and your Christmas Day outfit along with some other clothes into a suitcase. 
After packing everything up, you sat on the edge of your bed and stared at your dresser in front of you. On top of it sat a little black box. The gift you’d picked out for Shawn weeks ago.
You had contemplated whether or not you had wanted to give it to him since the moment you ordered it. You knew he’d like it. But you didn’t want him to think it was something someone who was “more than a friend and a coworker” would give him. Even though you definitely wanted that. 
You stood up and grabbed the box, opening it up to run your finger across the cool metal of the bracelet, an almost exact replica of the one he had lost when you were in New York. 
You closed it back up and put it in the bag of gifts for your family. It’d make this relationship more believable. You’d at least try to convince yourself of that. 
You tossed and turned all night, and so did Shawn.
He couldn’t stop stressing over how he was going to ruin this. He ran every single possibility through his head, and he just knew he was destined to somehow mess up the story. 
Of course, it was incredibly hard to mess it up since most of it was true. He had fallen for you in September. It was when you were in New York. He was writing songs about you. 
The small box on his nightstand seemed to be screaming at him.
You’d been complaining for months about needing a ring that matched the bracelet you wore every day. Shawn found one. And it was perfect. The perfect gift a boyfriend would give to his girlfriend, but you were only pretending, and he didn’t want you to feel weird about it. 
Without letting himself regret it, he stood up, grabbed the ring and put it in the top pocket of his duffle bag. 
Both of you fell asleep only a few hours before Shawn had to be at your apartment, so he showed up with two very large coffees.
Once you opened the door for him, he carried in his duffle bag and his own bag of presents. 
“Merry Christmas Eve!” He said as he set his things down. “Alright, babe, let’s practice,” he said with a wink as he handed you your coffee. 
“Well, thank you…honey?” You said with hesitation.
He slightly shook his head at you, “You’ve gotta commit.”
“Thank you, honey,” you said with a small smile as you sat down on the couch. 
“Incredibly believable. When did I ask you out officially?” He asked, sitting across from you.
“September 12. We were in New York, and I walked in on you practicing a song you were writing. I knew it was about me after I asked you to sing it for me,” you said. “How did you know you were falling for me?”
“Well, you were the only person who would call me out on my bullshit, and I wasn’t used to people doing that. So it just drew me to you. I slowly fell for every other aspect of you,” he said. 
Your heart skipped a beat as you had to remind yourself this wasn’t real.
“What’s our favorite thing to do together?” He asked.
“Walks in the park with ice cream from that little shop down the street,” you said, taking a drink from your coffee. “What’s the song that’s about me?”
“Well, it hasn’t been released yet, and an artist never reveals the project before it’s done,” he said with the softest smile. 
“I think we’re good,” you say with a shrug. 
“I just gotta make sure I’m always near you with an arm around you or holding your hand,” he added. 
“Exactly,” you said. You glanced down at the time. It was barely 9:00. 
“We really didn’t have to meet this early,” you whispered. 
“I know, but I was nervous,” he whispered back. 
You spent the next few hours practicing random facts about each other and going over memories you had to make up while you both sprawled across the sofa. 
“Do you think it’s going to look…unnatural?” Shawn asked as he sat up. “With my arm being around you. Do I look comfortable?”
He brought his arm around you, resting it on the top of the couch as you leaned slightly into his side. 
“I feel like we look good,” you said, looking over at him. “Hold my hand.”
He slowly laced his fingers with yours as you both fell silent, staring down at your intertwined hands. 
Shawn coughed after a moment, pulling his hand away. 
“Yeah, looks good,” he said, not meeting your gaze.
You nervously tucked your hair behind your ear as you checked the time. 
“If we leave now, we can get more coffee on the way there,” you said with a hopeful smile. 
“Sounds fantastic to me,” he said as he stood up, turning around to help you up. 
You grabbed your things and walked down to your car waiting in the parking lot. You threw your things in the back, quickly checking to make sure the box was still in the bag. 
A little more than an hour and you were back home, pulling into your parents’ driveway. You parked your car and looked over at Shawn. 
“Are you ready?” He asked. 
You looked out your window to see your mom waiting at the door. 
“Let’s do this,” you said as you got out of the car and waved to your mom. You went to grab your bags, but Shawn stopped you. 
“I got it, babe,” he said, brushing you away. 
You tried not to make it obvious at how shocked you were at how he was playing it up already. This might be easier than you thought. 
I greeted your mom with a big smile and a hug as Shawn followed behind you with his arms filled with bags. 
“Merry Christmas!” She said as she held you tight. She let you go after a moment and watched Shawn struggle. 
She quickly took the two bags of gifts out of his hands, and you both had the same expression on your face. 
“I can take that, Mom,” you quickly said as you grabbed your bag of gifts.
“And I can take that, no worries at all,” Shawn said with a smile. 
Your mom patted him on the shoulder as you both walked into the house. 
“Where is everyone?” You asked as you peaked into the living room.
“Your dad and Rachel ran to the grocery store, Aaron is meeting us at Grandma’s,” your mom explained as she shut the front door. 
“Well, we’re going to go put our stuff upstairs,” you said as you gently nudged Shawn to move forward. 
You slipped in front of him as you lead him to your old bedroom. You kicked the door open and set the bag down in the corner of the room. 
You turned around to see Shawn beaming as he looked at the pictures that lined your walls. You slid the bags off his arms as he continued to look around your room. 
“You were so cute,” he said softly as he pointed at a picture with you and your best friend in second grade. 
After setting the rest of the bags down, you stood next to him, looking at the picture. 
“Who’s that?” He asked as he pointed at a picture of you and your high school boyfriend. 
You cringed as you reached up and tugged the picture down. 
“That was supposed to be thrown away,” you said, tossing it in the trash. 
“Ah, gotcha,” he said. “Now you have to fill the empty space.”
“Shawn, I don’t live here anymore,” you reminded him. 
He shrugged, “Well, yeah, but still.”
For the first time, he turned around and looked at you, his eyes then drifting to your bed. 
“We’re going to have to share that, aren’t we?” He said quietly. 
You nodded your head, “Well, you are my boyfriend, so of course, we’d share a bed. And we don’t have a guest room.”
An awkward silence came between you two. 
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” you said with a pat on his shoulder as you tugged him out of your room, gently lacing your hands together as you pulled him down the stairs. 
You were met with your mom baking in the kitchen, finishing up cookies to bring to your grandma’s house in a few hours. Shawn leaned against the counter, and you leaned gently against his side. 
“Need any help?” You asked. 
Your mom simply shook her head, “Nope, I’m in the zone. Rather you did not interrupt me, dear.”
Your jaw dropped as Shawn laughed at your mom. 
“We’ll just get out of your hair then,” you said a little too dramatically as you tugged Shawn into the sunroom at the back of your house. 
You settled into the couch in the corner, crossing your legs and facing him as he did the same. 
“How are you doing?” He whispered. 
You nodded your head, “good,” you whispered back. “This isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”
“It’s because I’m a really great boyfriend,” he said with a confident smile. 
Before you could respond, the back door opened, and your dad and sister walked in with a few bags. 
“Hey!” Your dad said cheerfully. You stood up and gave him a quick hug, and Shawn followed, shaking his hand. 
“Nice to see you, Shawn,” he said with a small smile. 
“You too, sir,” he said back. 
“Well, we’ll leave you two,” Rachel said as she motioned for your dad to follow her into the kitchen. 
You sat back down on the couch in your original spot, this time turning to rest your head on Shawn’s shoulder. 
“Tired?” He whispered. 
You nodded your head gently, “Didn’t sleep much last night.”
“Me too,” he said, settling back into the couch and pulling you with him so your head lay on his chest. 
“We still have two hours,” you mumbled.
“Then nap,” Shawn whispered.
He didn’t have to tell you twice as you relaxed into him and fell asleep. It felt too real. That this was your actual boyfriend, and it was his first holiday with your family. You had to beg yourself to not believe that. 
You felt someone tug on your foot, and you jolted awake, smacking your head on Shawn’s jaw as you both groaned. 
You shifted up to your knees, rubbing the top of your head as you brought your hand to Shawn’s jaw. 
“Oh my God, I am so sorry, honey,” you said through a laugh as you traced your thumb across his jaw gently. 
“Not the first time, won’t be the last,” he said as he smiled sleepily up at you. 
Your heart skipped a beat. You didn’t even realize what you were doing before you leaned in and kissed the side of his jaw where your head hit. You could feel his breath hitch. 
“All better,” you whispered, as you pulled away, his eyes not leaving yours. 
“Alright, love birds. We’re leaving for Grandma’s,” Rachel said, being the one who tugged on your foot. 
You both nodded and stood up, finding your shoes and hopping into your car. You drove the short distance to your Grandma’s house as the car was silent. 
“That was good,” Shawn said as he broke the silence. 
“What?”
“When you kissed my jaw, that was good. As in, like. Very believable,” he stumbled over his words. 
“Yeah, yeah,” you said. “Rachel’s a sucker for shit like that.”
The silence fell again as you pulled up and parked before making your way into your grandma’s house. 
The night went exactly as it was supposed to. Shawn met all your aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents, while also being introduced to other people who showed up. You spent your night in the back corner of the couch with Shawn’s arm draped around you. You barely stood up all night, as any time you needed something, Shawn said he’d get it and would leave with a gentle pat on your knee. 
Your aunt slid into his spot one of those times, giving you a look. 
“Quite the gentleman, huh?” She said. 
You smiled and nodded, “Yeah, he’s pretty perfect.”
“How long has it been? And how come I just found out yesterday when your mom called me?” your aunt asked. 
“Since September, and you know how it is. His private life has to be incredibly quiet for it to stay private,” you said. 
“Are you ok with that?”
Out of all the questions you were prepared for, this wasn’t one you practiced. 
“Um,” you paused. “Yeah, I am. I mean, I work for him,” you said with a chuckle. “Some people wouldn’t take that too well.”
Your aunt nodded her head, “Well, when it’s real as it is between you two, people shouldn’t even think that but that’s just how it is sometimes,” she said with a sigh. “One day.”
“One day,” you repeated, your heart beating out of your chest at how she said this was so real. You wanted to shake her and tell her it wasn’t but you wanted it to be so bad.
She stood up and went back to her spot as Shawn came back and handed you your glass of wine. 
“Am I going to have to drive?” He asked with a smirk as you took another drink.
“Yep,” you said, curling into his side again. 
The night flew by after everyone ate dinner and opened gifts. Everyone was eager to talk to Shawn and you about your relationship. The two of you answered every question perfectly. No one suspected a thing.
Before you knew it, Shawn was driving you home as you dozed off in the front seat. He pulled into the driveway behind your parents. He rounded the car and opened your door. 
“Come on, love,” he whispered, kneeling down by your door as you looked at him. 
“Do I have to?” You mumbled. 
“Want me to carry you?” He said with a small smile.
You nodded your head as he turned around, and you slid onto his back. He shut the door and walked toward the back door with the rest of your family as you rested your head on his shoulder. 
You heard a chorus of goodnights before you felt Shawn shut your bedroom door and set you on your bed. You laid back and shut your eyes, as you heard Shawn rustling around, presumably changing. 
“Come on, [Y/N],” he said with a quiet chuckle, poking your side as he said it. 
You groaned as you opened your eyes and met his gaze just inches away from you. 
“You’re going to regret falling asleep in jeans,” he whispered. 
You sighed as you finally got up and trudged to your bathroom. You glanced down at the bag of gifts before quickly changing and going back into your room. 
“I’m going to run these downstairs real quick,” you said as you saw Shawn laying in the bed, scrolling through his phone. “Want me to grab yours?”
“No,” he said a little too quickly. “No, I can do it tomorrow morning.”
You walked downstairs quietly and rounded the living room towards the Christmas tree. You took a deep breath as you put the gifts under the tree among the rest. The box holding Shawn’s gift stayed in your hands a little too long. You hesitated before standing up and bringing the gift with you into the sunroom, setting it on the tv stand. 
You went back upstairs to your room, seeing Shawn curled up in the covers with his eyes closed. 
You crawled in on the opposite side, pulling the covers up and facing him. 
“I didn’t get to ask you what side you usually sleep on,” he mumbled, his eyes still closed. 
“You guessed right,” you said. 
His eyes flickered open, and he smiled at you as you returned it. 
With that, you closed your eyes and fell asleep to the sound of Shawn’s deep breaths. 
Shawn woke up first. In fact, Shawn woke up with your head on his chest and his arm around your waist as your arm gripped his middle. He looked down at you peacefully sleeping and again reminded himself that this could never happen. You would never feel that way about him. 
He gently removed your arm from him. You shuffled away, turning the opposite direction and burying your head in the pillow, not waking up. 
Shawn breathed a sigh of relief as he stood up and grabbed his gifts, tiptoeing downstairs. 
He set your family’s gifts among the rest and held the small box that held yours in his hands. Without letting himself think too much, he set it at the very back of the tree. 
He stood up to see your brother leaning against the doorway. 
“Merry Christmas,” Aaron said as he moved to sit on the couch. 
“Yeah, Merry Christmas,” Shawn said back, sitting across from him. 
Aaron motioned to the tree with his head, “What did you get her?” 
“Guess you’ll have to wait and see,” Shawn said. 
Before Aaron could pry further, you walked into the room and sat down next to Shawn as he moved his arm to wrap around you and kissed the side of your head. 
“Morning,” you mumbled.
“Merry Christmas,” he whispered. 
You smiled up at him, “Merry Christmas.”
“Coffee, anyone?” Your dad asked as he peaked into the living room. Everyone said yes as he started brewing a pot as Rachel and your mom made their way into the living room. 
Your dad brought everyone a mug as presents were started. 
Your family all loved their gifts from Shawn, commending him on how well he did, and continuously saying he didn’t have to bring anything. 
The gifts dwindled down as Shawn watched the box get closer and closer. Finally, it was the only present left. 
“Who’s that for?” Rachel asked as your mom grabbed it. 
“[Y/N],” she said as she handed it to you. 
You turned to look at Shawn, “You got me something?” You said quietly. 
Shawn nodded his head as he grabbed the box from your mom. 
“Yours is in the other room,” you whispered. 
“Want to go over there?” He asked.
“We’re going to go, uh-“ you stuttered. 
“Just in the other room,” Shawn finished.
“Yeah, to open ours,” you said with a nod. 
Everyone shrugged their shoulders and nodded as you stood up and tugged Shawn to the sunroom, grabbing the box off the stand and settling into the couch. 
“Who’s going first?” He asked. 
“You can,” you said, the nerves setting in. 
Shawn carefully unwrapped the box and pulled off the top. 
“Oh my God,” he said under his breath. “How did you...I can’t believe-“ he was speechless as he traced his finger across the cool metal of the bracelet. 
“It’s the same one, well almost,” you told him. “I somehow found that place in Thailand and had them send me one.” 
“[Y/N], I don’t know what to say,” he said as he looked at you. 
You shrugged your shoulders, trying to control the heat rising to your cheeks. 
Without another word, Shawn handed you your gift. 
You hesitated before unwrapping it and then opening the top. 
You gasped as you looked at the ring staring back at you. 
“Shawn,” you said slowly as you took the ring out. You slid it on your finger carefully. “It matches,” you said with a small smile as you looked down at it. 
“I know you’ve been wanting one that matches your mom’s bracelet, and then I found that one,” he said. 
Silence fell between you two as the realization hit both of you. 
“Shawn,” you said slowly, looking up at him. “This isn’t a gift you give your coworker.”
“Neither is this,” he whispered back. 
You went quiet again, not being able to look at him again. 
“What if I don’t want you to just be my coworker?” He whispered as his voice shook. 
You looked up at him, finally. He looked nervous. 
“What if I want the same thing?” you whispered back.
“Then Andrew isn’t going to be too happy,” Shawn responded. 
You both smiled, leaning in closer and closer. 
“But who cares what he thinks,” he whispered before finally pressing his lips against yours. 
Sparks flew as Shawn leaned back and you followed, resting your hand on his cheek as he deepened the kiss. After a few moments, Shawn carefully pulled away. 
“I could kiss you all day and more, but I don’t think your parents want to see that,” he said with a smile before you pressed another quick kiss to his lips. 
“I know it sucks, but I’m glad your flight was canceled,” you said as you curled back into his side, this time it was real. 
Shawn rested his head against yours after pressing a kiss to your head.
“Me too.”
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291 notes · View notes
laughing-with-god · 4 years
Note
rant as much as you’d like
Okay here’s the story so far
I recently went to a family reunion thingy out of state. I was against going bc rona is alive and well, and my fam also just has a history of ignoring us “kids” and instead just talking amongst themselves and getting drunk. But it was the anniversary of my grandmas death and they said we’d mainly stay at the air bnb and will do a lil ceremony for her. My aunt also really pressured me into going bc it’s my last summer before college and ig she felt bad bc she knows that the adults have mostly been responsible for isolating themselves from the underage people. I’ve always looked up to my aunt a lot, she’s the only person to go to college and has a masters in psychology, my mom mixes our names up a lot of the time bc ig were very alike in personality. In the end I just relented and went for my grandma and aunt mainly.
Anyway, one of the days we were there my family goes to a theme park. I stayed at the air bnb with the dog and gave up my ticket for someone else bc I was on my period and didn’t really feel like going. They come back not too long later and my sister fills me in on what happened. My uncle (who is literally never sober) got really mad bc he was told to put on a mask. He got aggressive and loud with staff, was talking about Trump 2020 and how they were picking on him not wearing a mask just bc he is a minority. It got so bad that he got the whole family escorted out and he got banned from that park. My sister told me that my aunt was hyping him up and recording everything, shoving her phone in people’s faces. I was really mad cus my lil sisters, brother and cousins were there and that must’ve been fucking traumatic and confusing for them. Also my uncle is a fucking idiot and the lowest level of human to do all that shit. Later that day, I ask my aunt why she escalated the situation Like, out of everyone she really disappointed me. She is smarter and level headed, she’s supposed to keep the others in check and not enable them. She goes into a rant about how bc they were abused as kids, they have an “alliance” and she’s a ride or die or sum. She literally said she’ll hide a dead body for her brother. I’m like ummm....do u have no morals or right or wrong? Why enable someone who clearly was drunk out of his mind and costing the whole family humiliation and trauma for the kids? She then says how I have NO idea the truma my uncle has been in. (Ps, I was molested all my childhood by my ex stepdad and she knows that). I thought that was tone deaf but I knew I needed to leave the situation bc I didn’t want them to see me cry and they were all beyond reasoning with. I go to my room and I stay there the whole night. I don’t leave or talk to them. My mom comes in and sees me crying and I told her what happened with my aunt and why I was upset. My mom (who had a couple of drinks) goes outside to my aunt and ig yells at her for what she said to me. Idk tho bc like I said, I didn’t leave that room. That night my aunt sends me a test that ig rates ur trauma from a 1-10 and tells me to take it and that my uncle was a 9 so...she was literally trying to RATE our truma dude. My thing is, I saw a situation in which I could’ve had a huge fight with her, but instead I left the situation and just went to my room. Sure I was emotional, bc I’ve never felt more minimized in my entire life, but I simply confided in my own mom. And tbh, I was crying so hard and shaking and my mom rarely sees me like that. Whatever she said to my aunt, idk bc I was too busy having a panic attack and in my own room.
The next morning she shows up to my room and won’t leave even tho I wasn’t in a headspace to talk to her. She says I have a problem where I view everything through a negative lense and how my perspective was all wrong and I don’t understand. She says that I orchestrated an “attack” on her last night bc ig she thought I egged on my mom and demanded she go off on her? She then says I need to apologize for that and she won’t apaologise for anything. I kinda started hyperventilating and told her to just leave bc I really couldn’t even form an argument, I was so shocked. I’ve noticed that my family has narsasistic tendencies. Like my standards are so low that I just want an aknowedgement that u fucked up, then I can move on with my life. But my family is so far up their own asses that they’ll never admit any wrong doing. And my aunt is really stubborn, but so am I tbh.
Should I stop talking to my aunt and sit out family reunions until I get an apology for my lil siblings and me? Like this family is so toxic, we didn’t even do anything for my grandma tbh and they didn’t fulfill any of the requests my sisters had said they wanted to do. They just drank the whole time tbh.....
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ryncorrect · 4 years
Text
university!au: day6 sungjin
i’ve abandoned this au for so long istg my life is a mess yall please forgive but anyway im back with my bullshit and ready to spread my cringe-worthy stuff to the world again
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name: park sungjin
major: practical music and arts
other activities: leader, guitarist, and vocalist of university band, president of music club, member of cooking club
park sungjin is the embodiment of leadership
i mean he’s the band leader, the club president, also the president of his class since year one, like he’s so trustworthy and responsible, literally nothing can go wrong under his sight
and even when things do go wrong (life is a bitch) he’ll still make sure everyone is fine and having the time of their lives pun intended
anyone who meets sungjin for the first time will probs say he has this tough man aura, cold,,, tsundere-ish idk
but as someone who have known each other for so long, you never understand when anyone says sungjin looks cold
you know damn well the moment sungjin opens his mouth he gonna throw dad jokes with his satoori dialect
dad jokes are fucking funny fight me
you once said sungjin should start his own comedy club
......he’s currently considering it
oh right he also talks about food all. the. time.
he joined cooking club for a reason okay
no, he can’t and doesn’t really cook he’s only there to taste food and people let him there because he’s nice and he knows how to appreciate the cooks
uh we love a man with manners
so, who is sungjin for you exactly?
he lives next door, one year older than you, was a leader even when you were little ayeee childhood friend cliche
can you imagine little sungjin leading his friends in game its so pure brb crying
you told him everything you couldn’t tell ur parents because they were busy, you asked for his advises, he made sure you were safe and happy
you still depend on him even after you two have grown up
you enrolled to the same university, took the same major with him, and even joined the clubs he’s a member of
this isn’t because you’re indecisive, it’s just that you spent so much of your childhood with sungjin that you two became similar to each other, up to your hobbies and interests and even palate lmao
that’s why he loves to eat with you because you two never argue about the menu
the only club you can’t join is the band, and that’s because jae rejected your application
reason: extremely close personal relationship with sungjin, therefore sungjin will take your side if we ever had an argument
you denied that; no, sungjin wont take anyone’s side based on feelings bc he’s a logical person and he always listens carefully to every side of the parties before he makes a decision..... but jae wont listen
brat
"you only rejected me because im a better guitarist”
“lalalalala cant hear you over my authority as the important band member”
“fuck you”
“i don’t accept offers”
anywayssss you did fail to join the band, but you’re friends with them, theyre literally so used to your company that sometimes they forgot youre not actually in the band
you and the guys teamed up for sungjin’s surprise birthday party
the surprise failed because dowoon accidentally added sungjin to the group chat
sungjin being nice and playing along anyway because he didnt want to disappoint you
and then its sungjin’s turn to ask the guys for help for your birthday party
failed again because dowoon AGAIN accidentally invited you, in person, to your own birthday party
dowoon what the heck?????
yeah its all cute and sweet but thats all of your relationship with sungjin, you treat him like a dependable brother and he treats you like his own little sister
thats what you tell to your friends too when they ask if you two are dating
they’re glad thats the case
because they have a crush on sungjin LMAOOOOO PLOT TWIST
they’re hoping they can get to sungjin through you yanno like asking you to send him snacks and letters or to tell him they say hi
you dont mind i mean you know sungjin is one admirable person ofc everyone likes him
sungjin never rejects nor accepts it hes just like “yay snacks!”
“god damn it sungjin just date any of them im tired of being a matchmaker”
“then dont?? literally no one asked you to”
little did you know that sungjin had the same problem
some of his classmates are interested in you but whenever they come to him he just says, “dont ask me i dont know anything and if i do i wont tell you”
this one sandeul guy has started asking you out and stuff
“ehhh youre so nice i’ll think about it!!”
you, immediately texting sungjin: ur friend sandeul ask me out what should i do
sungjin: do you like him tho
you: not really idk him yet
sungjin: just tell him your mom said no
you: damn nice
but this guy is so persistent and you gotta admit hes kinda cute and after a few tries you finally said yes to him
so you two went together and it was pretty fun
sungjin isnt too happy when he hears about it from sandeul
he asked you, “why didnt you tell me first?”
“well i dont think its a big deal. it was just a date anyway”
but you always told him everything
sungjin never speaks about it again
you go on another date with sandeul the week after
you tell sungjin later and he doesnt ask how it went
hes just “oh”
idk he’s kinda distant now, he rarely talks nor replies to your texts
he doesn't visit music club nor cooking club either so you don't see him often
have i told you im uncreative and all my aus are lame???
you think its probably because hes focusing for the finals, but even after it’s over sungjin doesnt really hang out with you or the band anymore like he only comes for practices and leaves right after
weirdly no one says anything about sungjin’s absence
but you cant stay quiet any longer and decide to ask dowoon whats wrong with sungjin
you shouldve known dowoon cant help much
“honestly i dont know either, maybe you should ask wonpil he’s sungjin’s roommate”
“but what if wonpil told sungjin”
“told sungjin what?”
“that i asked about him”
“asked him what?”
“...nevermind”
you asked younghyun
younghyun doesnt help either
“i dont know, just ask him yourself. i thought you were the closest to him??” why you so salty man
okay fine lets ask jae
“i’ll tell you for fifty bucks”
“dude im broke”
“then deal with it yourself”
you had no choice but to ask wonpil
“he’s just tired”
you know wonpil lied but this little shit refuses to tell anything
“please dont force me to answer i will cry really loudly and it’ll be embarrassing for the both of us”
why do you befriend them in the first place smh
oh youre right about wonpil telling sungjin that youre worried, and he does tell him to talk to you if he got something in mind
sungjins hesitant but in the end he only says, “no... its just that i didnt realize until recently that my little sister has grown up a lot”
“dear god wtf you sound like her grandma”
skip the boring part so uh a few more days passed awkwardly between you two and after your failed attempt at asking around you decide to confront sungjin in person
youre in the band practice room, the others are present, sungjin’s about to leave early as usual, and you find yourself jumping up your seat, “whats your problem with me?”
you know sungjin hates confrontation but you cant stand it anymore. you tried giving him time but if theres anything you seem to be more of a stranger to him
“i dont know what i did wrong and i wont know if you dont tell me, so let me know. i’ll listen and i’ll apologize if its my fault, but dont give me silent treatment like this. its so unlikely of you"
you can see sungjin clences his jaw as he replies calmly, "people change"
"you don't change, youre being childish. if you're mad you should talk about it. if you don't want me here you should tell me to go. if you don't like ME dating your friend you should tell me not to!!!"
drama much ryn
"youre your own person and you make your own choice, its your life and i cant keep telling you what to do or what not," and the end part kinda slips, "i don't hate you dating my friend or anyone, okay? im just not used yet to be a second person for you and im afraid youll get hurt"
"youre never?? a second person sungjin where does this idea even come from youre the only one for me i dont want anyone else???"
and suddenly there's a train of awkward coughs and you come back to your senses and you realize you're being watched
jae pretends to make a phone call, "mom pick me up im scared"
lame jae lame
dowoon mumbles, "can we,,, make an exit first before you two declare your undying love bc its privacy yanno"
you feel the heat spreading across your face as you open your mouth the same time as sungjin, both want to deny dowoon, but younghyun beats yall to it, "yeah you two are in love with each other we been know"
you and sungjin stares at each other, confused, "we don't???"
"oh honey,,, my dear,,, ive read enough sappy shit in writing club to see where this is going"
the conversation was cut there and neither of you bring it up again,
because the idea of you loving sungjin or sungjin loving you is so weird that you refuse to think about it, and so is for sungjin
but ever since that, sungjin has drastically come back to normal its almost hilarious, he spends a lot of time hanging out in the music club, practicing with the band, visiting the cooking club, making a joke here and there
sungjin is himself again with you, a caring dependable brother whom you come to whenever you need to talk or just hang out with and he always makes sure he has time for you
sap
you know hes always been like that but why does it feel different now??? the way he smiles or pulls your hand so youre walking on the inner side of the road,,, how he neatly places your spoon and chopsticks on a napkin when you two go out to eat together,,,, why
tender love baby chICKEN TENDER
mydayexol follow me
andddd so one day, someone asked you out. again.
wow ur so popular i cant Relate
you, texting sungjin: sandeuls friend jinyoung something invited me to a party next saturday should i come
sungjin, replying to you: hmm
you: ???
sungjin: i think its up to you
for some reason youre disappointed by his reply,,, but he’s right tho its your call if you wanna go then you go its not about what sungjin says
right?
right???
but suddenly you got another text: but if you ask for my opinion i would say don't go
you: actually i dont want to either lol so what should i say
sungjin: tell him you already have a date
you: nice
sungjin: with me
you: ayyeee
you: wait what
sungjin: i mean its just a suggestion
sungjin: which you can accept
sungin: or reject
for some reason you can imagine sungjin’s cheeky smile through his texts and it makes your inside tingles and you wanna giggle
so yea you thought it was a joke but he actually did take you out for a movie and dinner
it was really nice
so yanno the weird thing is that neither of you ask the other to be “official” but you just. are dating.
ur friends are mad like “bUT YOU SAID YOU TWO WERENT A THING”
“lol sry i changed my mind”
“fuck you”
“no thanks sungjin can do that... bUT DONT TELL SUNGJIN I SAID THAT hes gonna kill me”
“is he ur mom”
“basically yeah”
this sucks real bad but who cares
not me obviously
ill be back soon (or not) with dowoon’s one lets hope i can do better than this dnsjfsndfj lnjajnfdjs lmAO I LOVE YALL AND HAPPY NEW YEAR IN ADVANCE
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ofcelesticls · 5 years
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greetings earthlings !! it’s ur resident space mom, saoirse, here and holy FUCK dudes am i JAZZED to be posting this rn !! i’m #blessed….. #honored….. #grateful….. wow. without further ado, i present u all with my dear, darling, dumbass daughter…… KIKI !!
this is going to be less of a bio and more of me popping off abt lucy SO if u want to read an actually cohesive bio go ahead and click HERE !! she also has a stats page HERE if thats the kinda thing ur into !! otherwise… lets go stupid (ahhh) go crazy (ahhh)
welcome to kiki’s delivery service
my MFN WOMAN….. ˚ * ☆ – KIBBY KIKI KIBLER – ☆ * ˚ …. where to begin i dont even KNOW but i will say that this girl? is my queen. the loml. she’s lowkey actually me so i’m biased but i?? love her.
okay. SO. she’s kind of a hardass. there! i said it! she is! but it’s not really her fault! let us dive right on in and see why she is the way she is
so first things first she was adopted and like its never been a secret or something she doesnt talk abt so basically everyone most likely knows all about that if theyre close to her! she tried rly hard in high school to try and find her birth parents ( using her skills she gathered through copious hours spent watching true crime documentaries ) and came up short so that kind of made her like :/
shes super super close w her adopted family though! she’s been with them since she was a baby so like... there’s nothing WRONG w that family dynamic
when she was a lil tiny one her best friend was her grandma who was like…. a super oddball lady and always told crazy stories about ghosts and sprites and fairies and all that stuff but kiki absolutely LOVED it. her parents eventually had her grandma move into a retirement home type of deal when she got rly old and senile and that was super hard on her… which leads into my next point !!
another big thing that defined her life is that she was a SELECTIVE MUTE which developed when she started kindergarten ( which was also the school yr after her grandma left ) and she finally overcame thru therapy around the time she was in fifth grade.
it was through an assignment from her therapist that she and daisey first “spoke” bc in second grade she was still terrible at speaking to other kids n her therapist suggested she tried to write a letter instead as a sort of first step to ease into  things! she didn’t expect for daisey to write back but she did!! and they became “friends” for a while but that ended after fifth grade
once she overcame her anxiety she rly started to FLOURISH as the beautiful little weirdo that she is !! words literally cannot even explain to u what kind of strange this little duck is but she’s also perfect and the only one allowed to insult her is ME.
but then... yknow..... middle school n high school happened and kids are MEAN. so sad. she could talk but she often didn’t because everyone looked at her like she was crazy and she ended up being... more on the outside of things than on the inside.
but also she’s so genuinely good even though she can come across as rly….. brash…. she’s not MEAN but she just doesn’t have the time or the energy to bullshit around with anyone. she’s gonna call it like she sees it and anyone who doesn’t?? on her shit list.
also, by default, she’s not a very trusting person so???? ur gonna be likely to see the more Aloof and Quiet kiki than anything else UNLESS youve proven to her that she can open up to you!
but BE WARNED. if u wrong her.... WHEW, it’s game over! good luck EVER getting her to open back up to you again!
also don’t underestimate her intelligence. don’t do it. ppl try to brush her off as an airhead or an idiot bc she’s….. the way she is…. and says shit abt the prophetic dreams she receives... but she’s also honestly so smart and will go off on u in a HEARTBEAT abt systematic oppression or psychology or politics bc she’s a criminal justice major & psych minor
she loves astrology and so do i so i gave her my bday so that we could have some of the same signs in our natal charts… since she’s literally…. me. ANYWAY. she’s a cancer sun, scorpio moon & libra rising !! which makes her a fundamentally emotional person…. she’s got those water signs across the board INCLUDING her mercury in cancer (which i can best describe as sighing being her preferred mode of communication)
she’s also a big time SLYTHERIN and that’s that on that! thank u!
 i .... don’t have the brain power to think abt wanted plots at the moment but u BET ur BOTTOM i will dwell on it and have some kinda something up tmrw!! but UNTIL THEN !! pls message me (either on here or on discord though i will say discord is preferred) and we can chit chat it out and maybe start to brainstorm some things!!
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ofjeremy-blog · 5 years
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╰☆╮ FRANCISCO LACHOWSKI ─ JEREMY CHAVEZ identifies as CIS MALE and uses HE/HIM pronouns. they’re a MODEL/ACTOR, and they’re only TWENTY FOUR ! they’re said to be +CHARMING, but also -REMORSELESS. i guess that’s why they’re known as THE PARADOX in the tabloids.
i’d like to start off by saying thank u for opening this shit post! my name is ellie and it’s too cheesy to say you’re watching disney channel so! can’t say that! anyways i’ve been dying to use chico for 10 years and just never did and saw this rp in the tags and was like? o? and now im here! ive been dying to use chico for 10 years but do i know how im playing him or wtvr? nope! but i’m still here please still tolerate me thank u xx 
background info
born n raised in manhattan! 
comes from old portuguese money. his family has always been rich and i’ve just now decided that it’s because they migrated from brazil and started some company like? or maybe they were investors who invested in hella shit and that’s how they kept their money. the chavez family are old money investors and i’m adding in socialite to that. the mom could have a skincare business that’s successful too we’ll go w that. 
doesnt know what it’s like to struggle he was given everything he ever wanted and kinda knew what humble meant but it was only because of kendrick lamar telling him to be sit down n be humble 
he grew up going to some rich elite private school and were his grades ugly? i mean lowkey but did he give a shit? no bc again he doesnt know the meaning of struggling and he knew his parents could just pay off whatever the fuck he did so i mean? to him? school was a time for socialization and he wasnt really into studying he kinda just went bc all his friends did u feel 
he didnt try much in school but he was also a good guy during this point. he was friendly n didnt know the meaning of being humble  and also used his money to his advantage  but he was still a good guy at this point u kno like. think of joey from friends i have that inspo for him u know? like goofy, into flirting w the ladies, etc. kinda ditzy but he’s hot and 6′3″so i mean? 
anyways he fucked around in high school but then junior year maybe he got a steady girlfriend that actually lasted after the short lived relationships he had to lasted at most 2 weeks. he fell in LOVE love w this girl and they were together n couldve been that cute couple u kno
jere was WHIPPED whipped, but then something happened and they broke up n that shit hurted
like most boys who get their heart shattered, jere never learned how to recover and instead started playing w girls n shit. he decided to bleed onto others instead of patching up his own wound and now hes a hurt dumbass who hurts others thinkin it’ll help him (it doesnt! surprise! wish men knew that!) and like. literally trembles when commitment is mentioned or even asked of him like? 
commitment? ded dont kno them 
anyways since he wasnt booksmart and didnt give a shit about high school, he didnt go to college (his dad hated that shit and the mom didnt really give a shit. she was a socialite n cared for appearances and he was an investor who wanted a smart son but jere said fuck his dad wanting brains 4 him n listened to his mom when she said appearance is key
he started modeling and is now slowly getting into acting. he hasnt done  much big acting roles but im gonna say hes been guest starring on hella shit n getting recurring/minor roles for now
thats it for background info! 
personality info
so! like in the background when i mentioned his heart hurted after being dumped end of senior year he started playing woman and was no longer the whipped sappy hopeless romantic that he used to be! 
he’s still a nice guy, but his intentions w girls r just for the fuck n no commitment. he’s like the three sisters in hercules. he sees string n goes snip snip 
 idk why im calling him the paradox but ! for him he like appears to be a good guy and he is to an extent (hes kinda like joey but like a more successful actor kinda with a shittier personality) but like hes the big bad wolf when hes not trying to act like an innocent grandma
he’ll b upfront w girls n tell them that hes not looking  for anything serious but then he’ll play them up and be really good to them and literally just string them along and then go in for  the kill when he knows theyre hooked n then he’ll place the blame on the girl/boy/wtvr by saying “i told u in the beginning i dont want anything more.  this is on u” like that type of bullshit u feel
basically like in the quote he acts all innocent but in reality hes a shit head who looks like a good guy but hes really not n its all bc he got hurt ONCE (literally once) and then decided he didnt need 2 b careful or consider w others hearts. 
men r disgusting sometimes 
and thats basically jere! 
his personality is heavily like joey but when it comes to girls he plays them like the quote says! he looks like a golden boy but really hes like that ugly brown after uve mixed all the colors 
and thats it! 
connection ideas
the highschool sweetheart that broke his heart. she doesnt have to be the same age as him, but would have lived in manhattan during their high school years and it wouldve happened during his junior and ended during the end or even like mid end of his senior year! 
since he’s joey it’d b cool to have a chandler! give me that shit fuckin’ love brotps bro
maybe a brother/sister like relationship? some sibling type of relationship? im gonna say he had an older sister and an older brother but hes not that close w them bc the age gap being 4+ years (not small but hes dumb) 
for him it’d b cool to have unrequited crushes! fwb! one night stands gone wrong or ended beautifully! anything like that the more the merrier for him he loves things that gives n can receive pleasure xx
brotps!!!! love brotps so much give me any brotps im literally the biggest slut for brotps always 
enemies would b legit?? maybe they just dont like him bc hes a dumb ass who doesnt kno how to be humble or bc hes just a dumb rich boy?? maybe he fucked w their significant other n cheated or something?? maybe he played w their hearts n pulled the “i told u i dont do commitment” bullshit n strung them along n now they hate him? enemies r legit we love that shit too
and thats its! 
basically any plots im down for jere is kinda just out there hes just living his life we love connections n if u dont wanna plot then! thats ok too we can just go w the flow n decide on the spot when a reply happens or something u know! if u do wanna plot tho then u can message me on the side or like this post or reply to  this post n ill come to u and u know anything ya! thank u 4 reading this shit post if u got this far u really r the real deal love u thank u
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c00chmaster420 · 3 years
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this is a long vent and storytime-ish. tw/dr*gs
it hurts going from being the kid who could read and write super well from an early age who got an award for english in high school and had a 98 in science for most of the year despite it always being my worst class and didn’t even have to try in school to barely being able to get a proper sentence out half the time and never being able to explain/express myself bc my brain is so fogged and fucked from all the drugs i do/have done that i can only think at like half capacity now. i used to be a rlly smart kid, i never had to try in school and i’d always get by just fine, if we had writing competitions in school i would usually win, i was basically an english prodigy. now i’ve dropped out of highschool and am in a constant state of brain fog, i can’t even feel things properly anymore. i can’t ground myself to my surroundings or feel genuinely present, it’s so difficult sitting outside at night and listening to music (one of my fav things to do) and trying to just be there in the moment but not being able to fully process literally anything that’s happening or my surroundings. i’m never fully there. i feel like a ghost or something. i used to be so against drugs and alcohol and then for some reason i decided fuck it, i wanna try acid bc it sounds bad and i wanna do something really bad just for the adrenaline. then i tried it and fell in love, i’d never even smoked weed before that, just drank oil, so being high was new to me and i immediately fell in love. nothing compared to the feeling drugs gave me, it was such an experience and made me feel so good and was so fun, like nothing i’d ever done before. i was rlly depressed and kinda hated myself and didn’t have many friends or a life so drugs were the one really good thing i had. i did acid a second time with molly and once again absolutely loved it. then my dealer got arrested and i didn’t have anywhere else to get acid so i turned to dxm (another drug i said i’d absolutely never do, but desperation makes people do weird things). i loved dxm as much as acid, i got (mentally) addicted almost immediately. plus it was so easy to get and i had money really frequently so i could just go grab some for $10 whenever i wanted. i quickly spiralled from that, i started doing it at school and doing it every night i could and if i didn’t have it i’d have cravings for it so bad i’d be scratching and hitting myself and pulling my hair and sobbing so hard i’d almost throw up. i also started doing molly pretty often and other things like coke and shrooms and a lot of acid. my drug problem almost got out of hand at one point, i overdosed twice within a week of each other and got serotonin syndrome also twice within a week of each other. i got a bit better when i had to go to my grandmas for a few weeks and didn’t have access to any drugs, and i wasn’t getting money regularly either so i was forced to go sober for a while. at one point i got better and started only smoking weed and drinking and i was doing good for months if not a year but i slipped again. my friend invited me to come over and do ghb with her parents and i agreed, ofc. welp, i wound up doing a LOT of meth that night as well. this is where i started slipping. the day after that night (well technically the day AFTER the day after) i went back and did ghb and smoked a bunch more meth with my friends parents. the kicker is my friend wasn’t even there this time. i’m close with her parents so they said i could meet with their dealer at their place bc they didn’t want me meeting with him alone (mans got second degree murder charges, numerous assault charges, and many more. he’s a very dangerous guy). i met him the night i went there the first time bc he came to sell them the ghb. he wound up spending the whole night and we TOTALLY vibed (before i found out he was dangerous asf). also the first time i saw him he came in needing stitches bc he just bashed a girls car window to get back at her, so that’s lovely. we were gonna do stitches on him there but didn’t wind up doing that.
the next morning he offered to walk me to the bus stop but instead tried to take me to his doctors appointment with him?? keep in mind i’m a 17 year old girl and he’s a 35 year old man. so that was rlly weird but i managed to get away and go home. anyways the point of this was i used to have so much potential and be so different but now i’ve ruined my life with drugs and i hate it. i went from saying i would never even drink to smoking meth out of a wine glass in my mom’s bathroom bc i have literally no self control anymore. my cousin begged/told me not to touch the meth but here i am scraping little bits of it off to smoke and hoping she doesn’t notice. i wanted xans and her dealer is in the nw and i’m in the sw so he didn’t wanna come all the way just to sell me two xans so we got a bunch of meth too even though she just plans on probably selling it and not taking it. i’m slowly losing control, first it started with just planning on smoking the loose little teeny bits in the bag to scraping off some from the rock and i should’ve stopped at there but i couldn’t. i know i should’ve stopped at there, there was less chance of her noticing and i shouldn’t rlly be risking it but here i am about to go scrape even more off for like my 4th time and pray she doesn’t notice. i’m so fucking stressed, i’ve been lying to my bf and my family about the drugs and i feel so guilty but at the same time i kinda don’t which almost makes me feel worse. i always put myself and my interests first and do what i want even if i have to lie about it because i don’t have any self control anymore. i’ve stopped caring more and more, i used to never do anything if there was even the smallest chance of me getting caught bc i was so scared of getting in trouble but lately i’ve been developing an attitude of ‘what are they gonna do about it? even if they find out, i already did it, the most they can do is get mad and i can just choose not to give a fuck that they’re mad’. i also have been putting myself in more and more dangerous situations (usually for drugs) and i think to myself a lot ‘who cares if something happens? i wanna die anyways and if something else happens i’ll just deal with it, it’s whatever, i can choose not to care about it’ and i know that’s gonna get me in a really bad situation one day. i was doing so good for so long and now i’m just spiralling so bad again. i don’t think i can get better either bc i need to want to get better and for some reason i don’t? like of course i wanna be better and have a solid life but the reality of putting in all the work and actually getting there is just something i can’t do. i’d rather just throw my life away and wallow in my mental illness until i either die young from an od or laced drugs or i kms.
like the reality is i literally can’t be a functioning adult. maybe if i went on a bunch of medication and got a shit ton of therapy maybe, but i can’t even bring myself to look for jobs or apply to them, and the thought of actually working is TERRIFYING. i have such fucking bad anxiety, any time i leave the house i constantly feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me and i’m hyper aware of how i look and how i’m breathing and walking. getting a job and being an adult just isn’t realistic for me, plus i literally hate the human race and the world in general so i have absolutely no desire to stay alive and be a functioning adult in a world that i literally hate anyways. i don’t wanna be here anymore. i just want everything to stop
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wiener-blut · 6 years
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i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!
rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)
— what was your last…
1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch
— have you ever…
6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao
— fave colours
12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk
— in the last year have you…
15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes
— general
22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways
23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future
24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it
25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖
26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think
27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely
28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days
30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside
31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......
32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn
33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube
34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago
35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips
36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)
37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?
38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear
39. blood type: 0 positive, i think
40. nicknames: Lily
41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen
42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius
43. pronouns: she/her
44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them
45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding
46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that
50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao
51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens
— more general
52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay
53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u
54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet
55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face
56. want: to cuddle honestly
57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis
58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague
— which is better
59. hugs or kisses: hugs
60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes
61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually
62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)
63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up
64. hookup or relationships: relationships
65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both
— have you ever
66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?
69. sex on first date: nope
70: broken someone’s heart: probably
71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda
72. been arrested: no
73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily
74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here
— do you believe in
75. yourself: ugh
76. miracles: i want to
77. love at first sight: no
78. santa claus: i want to lol but no
79. angels: fuck yes
— misc
80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana
82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really
83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u
84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons
85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that
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transcatboybussy · 3 years
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swearing tw vent post thing dont reblog just venting about my family who i love they just get on my goddamn nerves
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putting swearing tw bc i swear too much but fucking like im pissed as hell at my family rn they normally never fucking tell me anything and everyone is visiting bc my grandma is fucking dying which is stressful and i can tell shes overwhelmed as hell like i am with all these people around and i dont understand why we cant hang out with her in smaller groups so we dont have 15 fucking people crammed in one tiny ass condo/townhouse w/e (my home) and not everyone is even wearing a mask like hi hello half of us are high risk fuck you even tho we’re outside doesnt mean u cant get sick even with hella people seated closely together we dont even have enough chairs or space but im mostly just pissed that no one fucking tells me anything like we had a family lunch at my grandmas yesterday and i was emotionally/socially prepared bc my aunt had texted me the night before about it bc she fucking knew no one told me like this is such a common occurrence that my aunt who lives 1-2 hours away that i only see at family gatherings knew that no one told me  bc no one tells me fucking shit people just show up like today or im just dragged somewhere
now im an adult im 21 i try to be chill about this but everyone still treats me like a goddamn child whenever i say something theyre like “no thats not true/youre wrong” or get mad when i dont want to fucking talk to anyone i enjoy just sitting and listening to people being next to someone is all the love i can give when talking to fucking 10 people at once what the hell else am i supposed to do (the example today about what im wrong about is something my birth mom did when i was a kid and people who didnt live with us or even visit much said i was wrong like ok pretty sure i fucking lived it and have the scar on my finger to prove it but fucking ok tho i guess its kinda hard to see but they didnt even look didnt matter i was wrong in their eyes anyway)
then i was venting about this to my friend and they said the same shit my parents did “well if you went downstairs to talk to people and stop hiding in your room you would know” like fuck u i do talk to my family i do go downstairs and hang out they just dont fucking tell me shit they can text me or leave a note on my door or literally just knock on my door to fucking tell me my bedroom is right next to my parents they can yell it through the wall it is not hard how the hell am i supposed to know to ask what the plan is if i dont even know there is a fucking plan like what the hell
my family shouldnt be using excuses that i dont talk to them when they dont even fucking try to talk to me they work all the time and dont even notice im home even during quarantine like where the hell am i supposed to go all they do is complain that i dont go out of my way to talk to them and when i do theyre fucking busy or doing some shit they just forget i exist and get mad at me for it im just tired and needed to vent im also like pmsing and really stressed about my grandma just slowly dying shes been battling cancer for 6 years its really hard to deal with things rn so i might be overreacting a bit but still what the fuck
just going to sit in my room and cry for a bit
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-this bitch.....empty
- G o d okay so we all know I'm an absolutely useless person when it matters, right? that’s common knowledge. that’s public record. 
- When I got there tonight I tried to help out with wires and lights and shit and I am just so,,,,,,,,,beyond inept oh my God I felt so bad
- Couldn’t tape properly....couldn’t find the right wires TWICE so Tom ended up having to come find them himself anyway when he asked me to do it solely so he wouldn’t have to run back and forth......couldn’t set the lights properly.....couldn’t remember where to plug shit into even though I was told moments before.....hit the wrong buttons causing people to think the lights were broken for a solid fifteen minutes.....somehow ended up completely covered in saw dust.....like I’m truly such a hindrance omfg
- it was???? 900 degrees in the theater???? For no reason???? I had the fucking chills yesterday so I dressed in a sweatshirt this wasn’t fair
- They didn’t get through act one...the world is shocked
- The director tried to move 1 (one) set piece and then said ‘I hate doing stage crew, I don’t wanna do stage crew anymore’ and Tom, in a whisper of barely-concealed rage, was like ‘I don’t want to do stage crew and set design and lights and sounds and projections and-’ and I cant even finish this list bc I cant remember every thing he does but I was just dying honestly this poor guy needs to escape omfg
- The opening scene for ‘Magic To Do’ and shit. okay. listen. It opens on a black screen with whitehanded gloves coming out and then Tom’s putting a black light on them, and THAT looks awesome. But....moving the screen and the screen itself look like garbage oh my God
- The kid she cast as Pippin. listen. He’s funny and I like him. If you’ll refer back to my in the heights posts, he was Sonny
- ...remember how I also said the kid playing Sonny was very talented but seemingly untrained and thus the weakest link in the main cast
- O H M Y G O D
- Listen, he’s good, but the kid that understudied for Pippin yesterday was a much better singer, and he literally didn’t even know any of the songs he was singing...I just have QUESTIONS, you know?
- Steven, who’s playing Charlemagne...his mic just decided it Didn’t Feel Like It today
- Oh my God so the two Leading Player’s right. Okay, the one kid, I’ve known him since he was like, ficking 9 or something and he was practically born on a stage. Amazing projection. His mic died halfway through the rehearsal and we literally didn’t even notice. He’s solid. But the GIRL. I love her but she’s so INCONSISTENT. First she’ll sing too quietly, so we’ll turn her mic up....and then she’ll decide to be loud, so we have to turn it down....over....and over....and over...oh my God. And considering her scene partner is SO LOUD like it’s just. Messy. 
- “It’s not even six’o’clock and I already don’t wanna be here“
- A lot of the dances have potential to be good but it just seems like no one in the cast,,,,,knows them
- So much high school musical and bye bye birdie and rent was sung???? But the most unholy moment was when Tom suddenly remembered we were in 13 together a million years ago and fucking went “We alllllll haaaaave....a little more MAAAAGIC TO DO” I almost screamed the worst mashup I could imagine and now its STUCK IN MY HEAD
- There were so many moments where Tom would be like ‘they need to _____’ and it fell on death ears and then less than five minutes later someone else would suggest that idea and he’d be like “OH. OH DO YOU THINK THATS A PLAN???” lmao
- asdfgh they got in their places for ‘War is a Science’ and Tom was like ‘lol they way they’re set up reminds me of La Vie Boheme’ but then they....started doing the dance and we were like WHAT THE SHIT bc it was TOO CLOSE to our La Vie Boehme lmaoooo
- I’m so hung up on the decapitated head that talks to Pippin like I really don’t remember that ever happening and no one will tell me why it’s happening omfg
- The directors baby grandson is Always Here but I got to ‘talk’ to him tonight and like....words cannot truly express but this is literally the most adorable child on the planet??? He deadass has anime eyes, guys, wtf
- We’re trying to get Charlemagne a laser pointer wish us luck 
- “Just give him one and see how long it takes the director to fucking notice. It’ll be the last show I promise” 
- We had an actual discussion on why purple was a ‘royal’ color 
- I swear apart from like the two or three kids I knew for a long time and was like in other shows with,,,,,,these kids hate me or sm like TEENAGERS, man, omfg
- “Ahhh, yes....the company’s official old lady wig”
- “Oh my God. Oh my God it looks like a fucking TED talk”
- “I...okay, kid, I GUESS that was technically a falsetto-” 
- Tom: “If she moves my fucking speaker, I swear to God. Don’t-”
   The director: *all but kicks his speaker out of the way*
   Tom: “JUDITH ESTELLE-”
- I had to explain who Matthew McConaughey is 
- Tom decided today, after 8? 9? years of knowing me, to suddenly start calling me “Moll” but when he’s across the room no one can fucking tell if he’s saying “Moll” or “Mom” so we were confused half the night
- “How do you not know who the Visigoths are?” “Listen I went to Catholic school we just kinda lightly touched on the Crusades okay”
- I got physically ill from how hungry I was
- “Drowsy Chaperone is much better at being a meta musical” “It’s newer, it learned from Pippin’s mistakes”
- There’s been so much staple gun drama for some reason and my mother literally ran into the directors husband at Lowes because of it
- “Imagine going to your Grandma’s house hoping for a fun and meaningful visit but then she just sings for like five minutes then has a group of men carry her away”
- Oh my God,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the scene where Pippin’s like banging everyone in the country
- So what’s SUPPOSED to happen: He has a dance with a bunch of girls, some guys come out and join the mix, the dancers pair off and get into ~~~suggestive~~~ poses until Pippin becomes tired and disgusted and decides Sex Isn’t The Only Reason For Living
- What’s ACTUALLY happening: He’s got this weird dance with like twenty girls, right...And then six boys come out...and line up and they do this lean thing while Pippin’s on his knees (”he’s EXPERIMENTING”) and then the girls have another dance break but it’s just like. random dance moves. Like, I’m NOT game for having a bunch of teenage girls pantomime the fucking kama sutra out here but the dance makes no sense and with the fact there’s only six ensemble boys who do Barely Anything it just reads less as ‘Pippin tires of sex’ and more as ‘Pippin gets chased away by a bunch of lesbians who were sending a lot of mixed signals’ asdfghjk
- All the body parts were thrown onto and taken off the stage by the tiny little kid playing Theo and it shouldn’t have been so funny but it WAS omg
- This cast is NEVER CENTERED onstage and it’s driving me INSANE like there’s always a few stranglers on stage right and it looks so sloppy but my complaints are falling on death ears rip
- The foam sun....took like 20 minutes to hang up
- it’s there for O N E  S C E N E
- I can’t type anymore I'm tired and literally still have saw dust on me but anyway: still not considering throwing myself into a fire pit
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cicinicole-14 · 6 years
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Im a very sporty person lol say a sport and i probably did it haha ( some not very successfully, like tennis and surfing) and watching no way i get way too bored, i really wanna go to a hockey game someday drink beer and yell nonsense. Im really curious aboyt that ex best friend thing.. if im crossing a line, feel free to tell me to fuck off :) -B
ou that reminds me I did tennis too! I was young tho. 
ugh hockey games are the best literally. especially if you sit in front of the glass and they body slam right in front of you. I’ve also won pucks! 
ah yes, this. fuck off. 
jk! you aren’t crossing a line. its kinda a long story, but here goes. olivia is her name. Ive known her since kindergarten (age 5) and we became inseparable best friends in fourth grade (age 9-10). and I mean inseparable. planned to go to college together, live together, have kids at the same time, etc etc. I actually bc of family issues, ended up living with her sporadically. her family was my second family etc. (more to it but its really long, bottom line I was super close with her whole family. mom, dad, uncle, brother, sister, grandma, uncle, niece, nephews, etc) anyway. during my senior year of high school (age 18) I really just began to see how like lacking she was in being a friend let alone a best friend you know? she never put in anything regarding our friendship, it was a shit thing to do but she did it. and friendship is a 2 way street, B. and she never once like was a good friend to me I was noticing. there were a ton of things, but anyway her not like trying in anything, whether it be school, work, friendship, etc was stressing me out so much. she wasn’t good at communicating with anyone because she didn’t fucking care or didn’t want to. (she actually has said this “if I don’t care about it I won’t do it”) anyway, so a lot went down and finally I had just decided to stop talking to her. there was never a huge “were not friends anymore” fight but I told myself if she made the effort to talk to me after I stopped talking to her, id just ignore my plan and stay friends with her then. but she never did and one thing that gets me is that she told one of my good friends, Emily, “you know, cici never talks to me anymore.” and Emily was just like “huh, yeah, weird?” ;) and walked away and literally since then I haven’t heard from her. I invited her, my supposed best friend, to my graduation party (mind you I had formal written invites, a text sent out, as well as a snapchat) and she said “ok I don’t work that day ill be there” and never showed up (that was in May but we had stopped talking in march basically) and so yeah, I just gave up having her as a friend. and she’s never made the effort to reach out so I’ve never either. 
and it sucks a lot because she was my best friend for 9 years and she was a huge part of my life, during one of the toughest times in my life and had experienced it with me, and we have so many good memories together, which make me take a moment sometimes, and I get sad missing her, but I know its not even worth the effort anymore to even reach out because of how shitty of a friend she was to me. like last summer I was at a denial period and in a constant state of “she can go fuck herself” and just recently I’ve been able to think about her and hope she’s doing well. but after all that, I still know I’m not going to reach out to her. she gave up on our friendship and I know that its not worth it anymore if I try to reach out. so I’m done, and I’m happy with my decision. ever since I left high school I’ve been learning how to heal myself and learn to be me and clean my life of toxicity and she was one of those toxic things, y’know? so I feel better without her. 
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taehcns-blog · 7 years
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henlo everyone !!!!!!!!!! my name is clove, i’m eighteen, use he/him pronouns, & i’m your resident boy group enthusiast™ hittin’ the tags to bring you my precious angel hwan taehan ! he’s genuinely a mf puppy and all he wants to do is sip on lattes, wear cute clothes, & stare at boys bc he’s waaay too awkward & innocent to approach one whoops !! either way, you can read more about him below so have fun & if you wanna plot lmk !!!!!
( tw. ) ─── depression. death. homophobia. underage sex. typing errors.
001. ooookay gang, this is gonna be v messy and i apologize in advance, but i wanna get this up so i can start writing with all of you sweetie pies, kapeesh ??? anyway ─── taehan was born in the jinhae-gu district of changwon city, south korea. his parents owned and operated a restaurant in the area for 8 years prior to his birth, and even after he was born, the two of them kept their business up and running for much longer !!!! he spent lots of time becoming acquainted with customers, their children, and being almost the face™ of the restaurant, and he adored all of the attention he got ! he wasn’t a shy kid, and often made friends v easily so he was well-liked, and his parents felt almost too lucky to have a son as handsome, sweet, and friendly as he was !!!!
002. however, as he got a lil older, his family was beginning to realize that he was different. unlike most of his friends growing up, he was clearly a lot more feminine than them, and he loved things that not many little boys did at his age. instead of working on the family car with his father, he much preferred to bake things with his mother. he liked playing with dolls, his favorite color was pink, and whenever the neighborhood boys and him would play, he’d always taken on the role of the princess, or the mother, or the ‘girlfriend’ whenever they’d get involved with all of that. both mom and dad kinda shrugged all that off as a phase and didn’t necessarily wish to change their child in anyway ─── after all, he was their pride and joy, so to them, he was still v perfect ... however, it wasn’t like that for lots of others.
003. all of the people that once adored him would now try to ruin all the fun he had, and his parents were p much pissed about it tbh. whenever he’d be running about the restaurants with his dolls, some customers would take them away from him and say that dolls were for girls, or that pink was a girl color, etc. and it began to leave a sour taste in all of their mouths. taehan was beginning to question literally EVERYTHING bc like, he had never once been told that he acted weird or like a girl before ... and it kinda fucked with him ??? like what did that even mean ya feel ??? it was then when he began to ask his parents tons of questions about how he acted or how he was naturally, and they had a hard time explaining to him that some people were just mean and didn’t understand him and that helped him feel better about all of it, but apart of him after that always felt weird. 
004. in school, he thought he’d thought that he’d make tons and TONS of friends bc everyone seemed to like him around the restaurant and his neighborhood. he got along well with girls, but lots of the boys were mean to him; calling him names, treating him bad, and overall, making him feel even more like an outcast than he already did. whenever he’d go home and tell his parents about what was going on school, they would do their best to talk to his teachers, and the principal, but none of them really did anything to help the situation. however, after years and years of him enduring all this bullying, his family decided it’d be best to just relocate elsewhere. their restaurant wasn’t doing too well in the area anymore, and they wanted bigger, better things, so they packed up all their things and moved to seoul, which is where his mother was from initially, and he was excited to be near his grandma, who he always had a wonderful relationship with !!!!!!
005. however, on the drive over there, his family was involved in a car accident that, unfortunately, ended up killing his father. sick with grief, his mother, and himself, didn’t think that life would ever be the same. their move to seoul was now in a different light ─── instead of setting their sights on bigger, brighter things, the two of them moved in with his grandmother and built themselves a new life from scratch. his mother worked the dry cleaning and seamstress business that his grandmother had owned for p much all of her life, and it was a rough time all around tbh. although still a resilient child, he longed to see his dad once again, but he knew that that would never, ever happen... and it made him v sad. his mom never really bounced back from all of it, and even after years had passed, she’s still grieving in her own way. however, life went on, and things got better, but with age came a ton more complications in taehan’s life ... and he often longed for the time things were simpler when he was with his mom and dad at the restaurant in jinhae-gu.
006. in middle school, he was often a wallflower and an outcast, and many of his peers didn’t necessarily feel the need to hangout with him, and it sent him into a bit of a downward spiral. once puberty hit, he began to understand why so many people thought of him to act like a girl in lots of ways. he’d look at boys and stare at them longer ; often liking their appearances and figuring out that girls didn’t make him feel that way whatsoever. he’d often talk to his mom about it, and she said it was normal, and that nothing was weird. she had a good friend when she was younger who liked other men, and she was understanding of all of that. even though at home he felt safe, he became worried that others would bully him if they ever found out the things that were on his mind, so he never confided the truth about himself to anyone ever. he didn’t want his life to be ruined, or to be embarrassed. however, in high school, things seemed to look up for him... but not for long lol rip.
007. he met a boy that he like high-key had a crush on ... and out of the blue, the two of them began to form some sort of friendship. none of it was too serious or whatever. they were kids, and they were just having fun and stuff. however, the more time they spent with one another, the more that taehan was FALLING for him real hard and like ..... all he could think about was the other boy, and he wanted to be around him all the time, and he’d get v jealous whenever he’d choose other friends over him, etc. and it all get low-key messy. so, he asked his mother’s advice and she told him that it may be best to tell his friend how he felt, so the next day, he did just that... but it didn’t end well at all. see, at first his friend said he felt the same way, and one thing led to another and they began to kiss and mess around... however, his friend had his webcam on while they were in his room and recorded everything ... and it got around the school and his friend was exposed as a total snake bc all of this was a dare from his other friends. i hope that made sense lol. needless to say, taehan was totally MORTIFIED and refused to go to school after that ... and his mother felt v bad
008. after that, he spiraled into a horrible depression ... and his mom sent him to a therapist that she’d been seeing for the last few years, and he was prescribed an anti-depressant. the first month on the meds were absolute hell, and his therapist was there to guide him all through it ... but once that trial period was over, they helped level him out a lot ... and he knew there were lots of things he still needed to get over from his past and his present, but he liked that he didn’t feel like ending it all whenever he got into his depressive episodes. to this day, he still takes his meds and sees a therapist, and he’s glad for that. he switched schools after that and felt a lot better, making more friends, and graduating with lovely grades to bring him to his loving and supportive family !!!!! now, he’s going to college and studying business, much like his father, and hopes to reopen the restaurant that his family had at one point in time ... as well as maybe venture into the world of fashion. 
009. he’s still living at home with his mom and his grandmother, and they love him to bits, but whenever he saves some money, he does wanna try living with a roommate or by himself to see what all of that’s about !!!!!! he’s just a simple boy going through life and figuring his shit out, y’know ???
( connections. ) ─── lots of friends tbh. they can be whoever. he trusts women more, obvs, but he’ll be happy with any male friends, too. they’ll help kinda bridge the gap of men he has in his life. potential romantic interest. pls you’ll give me all the fluffy feels that i need to BREATHE ok. this can start however and we can build it up from scratch, or have them be friends that slowly fade into a couple idek. i just neeeeed it. the dude that fucked him over in hs. this could be ANGST city but i kinda want it if anyone’s down lol. a female friend he may have used for a beard at one point / bff. c’mon... think of the CUTENESS. they can be v protective of one another and affectionate with each other, and they’re basically soulmates, but they’re in no way attracted to each other so they’re just bffs. anything else tbh hmu with any ideas !!!!!!!
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somethingbreaking · 5 years
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trigger warning calorie mention (not an actual number though), eating disorder, suicide/pill overdose, negligent parent?? yeah this is A Lot
ok i was just gonna leave it at that post on this blog but i feel like i’m going to actually murder someone if i don’t vent about this. even if it’s just to myself at this point lmao
my mom is the only person i’ve told irl about relapsing into my eating disorder. and she just. literally does not give one single fuck. she reacted pretty poorly at the time (assuming that my “problem with eating” as i phrased it was “eating too much” despite having eaten about [redacted] calories in the whole week 🙃🙃🙃🙃 + telling me about how she can relate because her doctor made her go on a diet as a kid like yeah that’s definitely the same thing thanks). and she just......never brought it up again. still hasn’t!!! despite me visibly having lost A Lot of weight in only 5 months and barely eating while i’m here. i even started a conversation (after much internal turmoil about whether i should or not) about how it really bothered me that my grandma and aunt complimented me on my weight loss. she just like...... didn’t reply. kinda went “yeah that sucks” and looked like she wanted to say more but didn’t. like. not that i necessarily wanted to launch into a huge conversation on my struggles but it just really really feels like she does not care at all.
not only does it feel like she does not care, but like she’s happy that i’m back at this bullshit... since there’s no snow here i’ve been on 2 jogs so far and i’m happy that i haven’t given in to the temptation to go every day but. Every. Single. Day. she has asked me if i’m going out for a jog. it’s hard to explain why that’s so upsetting and triggering....she’s always encouraged my exercise, like when i was addicted to it back in the old eating disorder days of yore. it’s just.. extremely upsetting to be addicted to an unhealthy behaviour (bc i use exercise as punishment) and have someone constantly encourage you to do More of it. and i know like 99% of people view exercise positively so it’s probably just ignorance on her part but uh. i literally told her that i’ve been using exercise unhealthily so why the fuck is she encouraging it.....
idk this is really solidifying how much it’s always felt like she doesn’t give a single shit about my mental health. when i was a kid (like around the age i turned 11) she knew i wasn’t eating and brought it up to the doctor and the doctor was like “well her bmi is on the high side of normal so she’s fine” and she just. dropped it. like she KNEW i wasn’t eating and didn’t do a single thing about it. the one conversation we had about it, she just got super angry and like that was it. lately i’ve been constantly thinking about how much different my life would be now if i had gotten help back then......not just for the eating disorder but my severe depression and all the other fucked up shit that set me on this path. it’s really really really upsetting and i can’t help but feel like a lot of it is her fault. i couldn’t help myself, my dad obviously didn’t give a fuck and caused most if not all of the problems, and she was the only one who cared. she was the only one who should have helped me but didn’t. 
in high school i had to literally beg her to make a doctor’s appointment for me for my depression. all along the way she was so resistant and close-minded (contrast this with a few years later when my brother got dumped and she dropped everything in her life to get him to a counsellor LMFAO i’m so fucking bitter it’s unreal). the day i tried to kill myself she just......drove me to a chapters. i literally can’t get over that lmfao. i guess her thought process was that chapters was always my happy place but like i spent the rest of the day fucked out of my mind (because i had literally just overdosed jesus christ) in a chapters starbucks reading the bell jar. that day i told her i was cutting and she just said “i know” and that was it.
idk i guess because my dad is so abusive, i’ve always thought of my mom as the Good Parent. and she is in a lot of ways. but it just hurts so, so, so much that literally my entire life she’s seen my suffering and done absolutely fuck all about it. like literally WHO drives their kid to a book store after they’ve overdosed on pills i................. like it would be comical if it wasn’t so fucked up. like i think she cares???????? but she just.. never shows it. it’s so confusing
anyway. i feel like my eating disorder is extremely obvious and it’s literally ruining my time here (can’t think about anything but food, have no energy to see anyone, etc. etc. that’s a whole other post) and she not only isn’t saying anything but is encouraging me to exercise like. i don’t. i don’t know what to do. no one else in my life will help me and i just feel extremely alone and scared
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My Coming Out Story
Written on 8/26/18
So like I’m bi. I’m pretty sure y’all know that by now haha.
In December I came out to my cousin a day later she told my aunt and uncle that I was a lesbian (I am not).my aunt was kinda in shock and my uncle defended my and was like “i dont think she’s a lesbian but if she is we will still love her and support her just like we always do” and then said “now you will never talk about this to anyone in the family bc if you do you could get her exiled and hated by the family”. He then decided to call my mom to tell her. When she picked up the call I was sitting right next to her so I heard that he knew and I went into my bathroom and started texting w groupchat that I had on twitter and was literally crying and having an anxiety attack in the bathroom rambling about everything to the groupchat. When I went back to my room my mom and I talked and I explained that I was questioning if I was Bi (which at that point it was true). My mom of course told my dad. Timeskip to late January and I have a small crush on my best friend who is a girl. The only person who knows is my mom. In July I accidentally came out to my dad but he didn’t say anything he was just like “okay”. Timeskip to now and I still have a crush on my best friend but it’s a way bigger crushand I know now that I definitely am bi.
None of my relatives, my grandma, my other mom and my brothers (my moms best friend is my “other mom” and her sons are my “brothers”), even my aunt and uncle (the ones that my cousin told) don’t know yet (all that mom told my aunt and uncle was that I wasn’t a lesbian).
Lately I’ve been thinking about coming out but I don’t know how anyone is going to respond to it.
I know that my other aunts (they’re technically not my aunts, there my moms aunts but I call them my aunts) wouldn’t accept it. I know that my nanny won’t accept it but she don’t give a shit about me anyway. I know that most of my relatives probably won’t accept it.
I think my other mom and brothers will and I think my grandma will.
I know that my uncle will bc of what he had said in December but I’m not sure how my aunt will handle it.
I genuinely kinda want to come out but I’m really fucking scared that I’ll lose most of my family. I’m really sorry about this whole thing. You don’t even have to read it. I’m just venting bc I’m scared.
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