Beidou’s Woes Against Mondstadt’s ‘Divinity’: Part III
Beidou regrettably files for personal bankruptcy. (Written as of 2.5 being out)
Two captains, a ‘nun’, a bard, and a privateer, walk into Angel’s Share for an impromptu meeting of what I like to call ‘High-Functioning Alcoholics Anonymous’. At the bar table, Beidou is sandwiched in the middle of Kaeya and Venti with Rosaria next to her usual drinking buddy and Eula taking a seat next to the bard that slanders her family daily through song - much to her delight.
Kaeya: - and then he was just sitting there! Honestly, it was one of the funniest things I ever saw! (laughing)
Eula: (slurs) Holy shit. (hic) What . . . what an idiot. (chugs her third round of beer)
Rosaria: (shakes her head in bemusement) That doesn’t even make any sense.
Venti: (chuckling to himself) Considering the pocket change involved, you could say that it makes perfect ‘cents’, wouldn’t you agree?
The Cryo users groan simultaneously as Venti and Beidou shriek with laughter.
Beidou: (wipes a tear from her eye as she gives Venti a heart slap on the back) You’re an absolute riot! (boisterously) Charles! A round for my new friends and an extra one for the small green man!
Charles: (sighs deeply as he makes the drinks and passes them out) You know I’m going to have to cut you lot off soon.
Eula: (sniffs and sloppily waves her hand in dismissal) I’m not even that drunk. (paws at the full pint of beer)
Rosaria: (rolls her eyes) Please. (takes her glass of wine) You make Alberich look sober with how much beer you’ve had in the past hour.
Kaeya: (chides) Oh, come now dear Sister. Such an accusation must have some reasonable basis. (sips his drink petulantly) I’ve only had two Death After Noons.
Venti: (tries not to wince as he snorts and takes a swig of his glass of wine) Yeah, two Death After Noons in fifteen minutes.
Kaeya: (glares shrewdly at Venti) Hmph! Well, I will have you know that I needed it today. (turns away from him)
Venti: Oh, come on, Sir Kaeya! (teasing) I was only saying so in jest, no need to give me the cold shoulder.
Cue Venti and Beidou losing their minds again as all the Cryo users wonder why they didn’t drink by themselves tonight.
Rosaria: (finishes her wine and sets down some mora) I have things to do.
Kaeya: (overembellished mock hurt) Rosa? How could you even consider abandoning me at a time of need? (dramatically throws a hand over his visible eye) I’m hurt.
Rosaria: (low) I can hardly call objectively terrible puns from a drunken bard a ‘time of need’. Also (lightly pokes Eula’s flushed cheek) either get her sober enough to walk home or I’m going to tell the Outrider to get her myself.
Eula: (doesn’t notice Rosaria’s pointed finger) (slurs) I’m . . . (hic) I’m just fine. (burps in a closed fist) Just need some more beer. (finishes the beer) Aw, fuck. It’s (hic) gone.
Rosaria: (exhales sardonically) Case in point. (gets up and begins to walk out)
Venti: Aw, leaving already? (cheerfully) May the winds of Barbatos watch over you, Sister Rosaria!
Kaeya: (sing-song like) I hope your nightly work isn’t too taxing tonight ~
Eula: (just waves in Rosaria’s general direction as she rings up yet another beer)
Rosaria: Yeah, yeah, see you around, fuckers. (lingering in the doorway of the tavern as she says to Beidou) You’re loud, brash, and obnoxious, but tolerable.
Beidou: (finally catches her breath and salutes in a friendly good bye) It was a real pleasure meeting you too, Rosie. Take care of yourself!
Rosaria: (bristles but nods) (quiet, but loud enough to be heard) I always do. (leaves the tavern)
Kaeya: (long whistle) Well damn, she must really like you, Captain.
Beidou: (snorts and raises her eyebrow) Why do you say so, Captain?
Eula: (groans into her fourth pint of beer) That stupid joke (hic) stopped being funny (hic) after the first . . . five times.
She’s right and I agree with her.
Kaeya: (sniggers) The last time I tried calling her Rosie, I nearly died. (sips his third drink) I can’t imagine why or how she didn’t eviscerate you on the spot.
Beidou: (shrugs) Can’t say that I know the answer to that. (takes a long swig out of her mead) She’s nice enough.
Venti: (swinging his legs rhythmically) I can’t help but agree with you, Captain Beidou! (hums melodically to himself) Though I must say that Rosaria has quite the thorny disposition. (snickers as he starts to finish off another wine glass)
Eula: (sniffles) Why . . . why is it empty? (legitimately forlorn) I just (hic) wanted a (hic) drink- (collapses on the tabletop with her head buried in her hands) It’s not (hic) fair . . .
Beidou: (hesitantly grasps Eula’s shoulder) . . . you good there?
Eula: (moans quietly and unintelligibly) Why . . . couldn’t I have been born an orphan?
Kaeya: (tsks under his breath) Oh dear, it seems that our dear Captain Eula is done for the night. (reaches over and lightly shakes her) Unfortunately, the time for drinking and company for her has run it’s course.
Eula: (protests loudly) Mmngh. (slowly tries to get up on unsteady feet) ‘m fine.
Kaeya: (watching closely) Mmm, but you have another mission in a day or two, do you not?
Eula: (glares coldly, before conceding) . . . you do have a (hic) point, I suppose. (sways as she stands)
Beidou: (waves over) Charles, some water over here?
Charles: (already sliding down a tall glass of water in the group’s general direction)
Beidou: (catches it) (to Eula) Drink some of this, yeah? It’ll be good for you.
Eula: (takes the water and chugs it) Bleugh. (blinks rapidly) It’s terrible. (sighs after a beat of silence) I . . . should be heading (small cough) back to my quarters.
Kaeya: Mhm. Would you like me to accompany you back?
Beidou: (casually) It wouldn’t bother any of us to, ya know.
Eula: (waves her hand dismissively) No need . . . no need. (begins to walk away from the bar table, setting down some mora)
Venti: (wipes his mouth with his sleeve) Heading out, Miss Eula? (takes off his hat and waves it in the air) May the breezes carry you safely home.
Eula: (nods as she exits the tavern) (sticks her hand through the doorway) Good night to you all. (turns to Beidou) Except you. Your choice in drinks are awful. Hmph. (leaves the tavern proper)
Kaeya: (blinks) Did . . . did she not know that it was water?
Venti: (innocently turns to Beidou and cocks his head to the side) I dunno, but that look she gave you positively chilled me to the bone! (shrieking laughter)
Kaeya suffers as our duo of terrible puns and jokes continue to laugh their asses off.
Kaeya: (rolls his eye at Venti as he finishes his drink) If I didn’t find comraderie with you, I’d have left already.
Venti: (still giggling as he scoots closer and presses into Kaeya’s side) Oh, come now, Sir Kaeya! I will have you know that I am absolutely hilarious.
Kaeya: (sighs through his nose) I will say that you are an excellent bard, Venti, but you’re not as much of a comedian as you think you are.
Venti: Ah, but Sir Kaeya, I’ve managed to get a rise out of your pirate friend!
Beidou: (still laughing her ass off as she is on the floor, rolling)
Kaeya: (snorts halfheartedly) How insufferable.
Another round of drinks later, things are starting to wind down.
Kaeya: (genuinely shocked) Well, that was an interesting tale. I wasn’t aware that a sea serpent could even bend in that direction.
Beidou: I didn’t know either until I saw it for myself. (finishes the last of her drink) You know, if you ever want to come see all sorts of crazy things on the high seas, I’d be happy to take you on.
Kaeya: (idly traces his finger on an empty glass) I would love to join you, but alas, I have my own duties and happenings here already. (chuckles warmly) Besides, two captains on a single ship seems tenuous, does it not?
Beidou: Pfft. (reaches out and ruffles Kaeya’s hair) Whatever you say.
Kaeya: (pouts, but doesn’t stop Beidou from doing so) Och, watch the hair, will ya? It took years for that lovelock to grow out.
Venti: (slurs, slumped over, still clutching a wine glass) Dandelion wine . . . (laughs drunkenly) tastes the same as I remember . . . (hic) but everyone I know who’d have it with me . . . (hic) is dead.
Kaeya: (looks at the multiple empty wine bottles next to Venti before turning to Venti) Friend, do you not think that you’ve had enough dandelion wine? Why, I fear that you may have drunk straight through most of this season’s brew.
Beidou: (whistles appreciatively at the stack of bottles) Holy fuck, that’s a lot of alcohol for such a little dude.
Kaeya: (gives a small laugh) You wouldn’t be saying that if you saw him during the Windblume Festival. I heard it was about *56 glasses of wine he drank?
Beidou: (visibly shocked) How is he not dead?
Kaeya: (shakes his head) The bartender asks themselves the same question every time he doesn’t stop at five glasses.
Venti: (attempts to lift up his head) (hic) Another round . . . perhaps?
Kaeya: (tuts at Venti) I personally wouldn’t recommend it. You would want to let the wine breathe a bit before drinking it, no?
Venti: (scrunches up his face in thought) Mm. (hic) On second thought . . . (hic) I think I would like to (hic) compose a ballad. (hums in thought) To what though? (hic) It will come to me in time . . .
Venti summons a lyre, only to promptly set it down on the bar table, and then collapse.
Beidou: (blinks) Is he-
Kaeya: (waves his hand dismissively) He’s fine. Give him five minutes and he’ll be recovered enough to drink another bottle of wine. Regardless of that . . . (sighs to himself) I believe I must be going now.
Beidou: (nods) It is getting kind of late, huh. I’ll probably be heading out soon too. (grins) I had a great time! The drinks always go down easier with good company.
Kaeya: (fondly) I truly did enjoy our time together in each other’s company as well! (genuinely) It was the most fun I’ve had in a while, actually. (gets up with drunken flourish) But alas, all good things must come to an end at some point in time, for if life wasn’t so bitter, we would not be able to relish in the occasional sweetness it brings. (sets down a generous amount of mora)
Venti: (from his slumped form, mutters) Cheers . . . I’ll drink to that.
Kaeya: (with a hint of genuine sadness) I bid you adieu. Until next time, from one Captain to another. (makes his way to walk out)
Beidou: (salutes) Stay safe out there, Captain.
Kaeya: (through the doorway) Are we really at the end of the day? (leaves the tavern proper)
Beidou gets to ruminate on that loaded comment along with her three previous companions for all but a few moments before Venti becomes lucid enough for conversation yet again. So they chat for a little while longer, sing a shanty or two and Beidou has a few stanzas composed in honor of her voyages before something interesting comes up in the exchange.
Venti: (blearily) Mngh. (yawns) Well, it seems that the lull of sleep is trying to whisk me away. (giggles to himself) But this night, I find that sweet words and good company keep the nod at bay.
Beidou: (groggily) Well said, my friend. Well said. (plops a weighty bag of mora) But unfortunately, I actually gotta get goin’ now. (stretches and pops some creaks in her joints)
Venti: (turns to her) Mind if I join you for a little stroll, just a few minutes or so? I’d really hate to think of you alone going to your abode.
Beidou: (shrugs) If you want to. (gets off the stool)
Venti: (hops from his stool) Wonderful! Well come on, my friend, into the night! We cannot waste the precious moonlight! (makes to walk out)
Beidou: (raises her eyebrow in confusion) Do . . . bards not have to pay for drinks or something?
Venti: (stops in his tracks) Ehh. (looks to the five bottles stacked neatly where he sat) You would think that my songs and presence would be payment more than enough, but in retrospect, I didn’t think I would take to this season’s bottle that much. (shudders) Even considering the drinks I snag and grab, it pales in comparison to the oppressive tab . . .
Beidou: (casually) Don’t worry about it.
Venti: (surprised) Huh?
Beidou: (turns to him) For you, it’s on me.
Venti: (gratefully) Really? Tab and all?
Beidou: (nods) Yup. *Tab and all.
You would think that after seeing how much Venti drank and allegedly drank per according to several eye-witnesses, Beidou wouldn’t have agreed to do this.
Venti: (grabs her hand and shakes it fervently) My dearest thanks my good friend! I’ll repay you with a tale- no an epic to the adventures and stories that will never end!
Beidou: (laughs) It’s fine, I’m just helping you out a bit.
Charles: (struggles to speak at all and eventually gives up trying to, only sighing deeply as they both walk out the door)
A few weeks later in Guyun Stone Forest, Beidou, and Kazuha are chatting on the railing of the Alcor when Mora-Grubber comes up to hand her a piece of paper and assumedly discuss it’s contents.
Mora-Grubber: (head lowered) I apologize if I’m interrupting anything Captain, but this is kinda important.
Beidou: (nonchalantly) Nah, it’s okay. (to Kazuha) Sorry kid, it was starting to get pretty good.
Kazuha: Please, there’s no need for you to be. (curiously) However, I would feel quite delighted if we could continue this story at a later time tonight, if that’s alright with you?
Beidou: (claps him on the shoulder) Of course, you don’t have to ask!
Kazuha: (gives a small smile) Okay! (begins to make his way to the crow’s nest)
Beidou: (turns to Mora-Grubber) Alright, so what’s the issue?
Mora-Grubber: This, Captain. (hands her a paper)
Beidou: Huh? (sees the paper) What about my personal taxes? There’s not some fine I forgot to pay, is there?
Mora-Grubber: Not fines, no, but if you look here and here . . . (points to a few things circled in ink)
Beidou: (focuses on those) Okay, so I have the deduction here and then we have the foreign sales tax . . . (eye widens significantly) and over three million mora? (clamps her mouth shut and breathes in heavily)
Mora-Grubber: Captain?
Beidou: (clamps her eye shut and exhales briskly) No, no, you’re fine, but (struggles to articulate) . . . how?
Mora-Grubber: (slowly) Well, Captain, the grand total of 3,875,325 mora is the baseline for what is being taxed, so . . . you’ll actually be paying more than that.
Beidou: (pauses) . . . really now. Huh.
Mora-Grubber: (uncharacteristically nervous) I mean, I could run these tax forms and crunch the numbers again-
Beidou: (lightly) No, that number sounds about right. (sighs deeply) Well, I guess I gotta head on into town and meet with some folks . . . (groans) Wow. So I’m pretty much-
Mora-Grubber: Bankrupt? Yeah. Already submitted the paperwork for that.
Beidou: (sighs deeply) By the Archons . . .
Mora-Grubber: (pats her shoulder with the intent of comfort) I’ll run the numbers again just to be sure that there ain’t anything fishy with this. Don’t worry, Captain, I’ll get to the bottom of this! (to herself as she walks away) I didn’t know someone could get the wholesale tax slammed on them like that . . .
The picture of a certain Tianquan cackling as she looks through the bankruptcy filings only serves to sour Beidou’s mood even further after the fact.
---
Note: The characterization for this one was a little rougher than I would like after going over it a couple of times, especially for Venti and Kaeya, but I hope to get better in the future because the rhyming bit was fun as hell and honest Kaeya is refreshing to think about.
*The wiki says that Venti can take at least 37 glasses, but it never clarifies if that was the limit, only suggesting that he could totally go more. So he does.
*Also, the way I figured out the tab was with these numbers: Each bottle would be about $22 retail, but he canonically takes it by the glass. Each wine bottle has about five glasses worth in it and each glass would be about $15 each per according to what the average is and the quality of the wine itself, not including tips. This, combined with how much Venti drinks (minimum of two bottles per visit) and converted into mora ($1 = ~163 mora) is astronomical at best and unfathomable at worst.
The total is bigger than that, but an average of six bottles a week is plausible for Venti. And generous to his character, considering it’s likely more and that his gnosis was responsible for his disturbing lack of alcohol poisoning.
(inspired by Beidou's lore concerning how she conducts herself, wacky hijinks and mishaps that can be assumed in respective character lore and content, and a minimal amount of taxes and business law)
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