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beshert-bh · 4 years

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My journey to/with Judaism

***This is a super long post, it’s the FULL story, not a brief overview, but it would mean the WORLD to me if you read it***

Upbringing: very much Not Jewish™️

I was born into a Catholic family. I have a goyish last name. I was baptized as an infant, and my parents took me to church each week as a kid.

In kindergarten — back when I still went to a secular private school — one of my best friends was Jewish. He told me all about the traditions his family did...told me all about the kippahs they wear, and how they had their own game called dreidel for this holiday they celebrated, called Hanukkah. (Of course this convo was at a basic-kindergarten-level of knowledge.) When I came home from school I was fascinated with Hanukkah, (this is cringey to admit but my 5-year-old self tried to integrate the traditions together and so in order to do this I drew up a “Christmas dreidel” complete with Santa Claus’ face on one side, a present on another side...you get it)

And that is when I was promptly put in “parochial” schools. I went to Catholic school from 1st grade to 12th grade. I went through Holy Communion and Confirmation like all the other kids did. My elementary soccer team’s mascot was an Angel. My high school’s mascot was a Crusader. Our high school was located on Rome Avenue. I went to a Catholic youth conference. I considered becoming a nun because I was single all throughout high school.

Growing up, around Christmastime we would always travel to visit my grandma, and she would always say we’re “German Jewish” — but I would write her off. In my mind, I was like, Yeah ok like 1%? .....It felt like my grandma was acting like one of those white people who takes a DNA test and says, “Look! We’re 1% African!” So I would dismiss her and remind her how we’re Catholics and she would drop the subject.

Falling away from Xtianity: my first 2 years of college

My freshman year I changed — politically — as I was only conservative in high school because of the ‘pro-life’ agenda being shoved down my throat. I really aligned more with liberal and leftist policies and views, though. Once I became open to new political ideology, I began to question my theological beliefs.

I always had a strong connection to God. My whole life. But I struggled with connecting to Jesus, Mary, the saints, and so on. So obviously my freshman year of college I began to fall away from Catholicism.

You see, Catholics are “bad at the Bible” as I like to say. Other Christians do a better job of teaching and analyzing the writings. They actually require school-aged children to memorize Scripture passages. Catholics mostly just teach the same stuff over and over. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, blah blah blah. Catechism, liturgical calendar, blah blah blah. Parts of the mass, fruits of the spirit, blah blah blah.

So since I was already doubting Catholicism, its corrupt leadership, and its mindless traditions.... I thought maaaaybeeee I would find purpose, truth, clarity, etc. in plain-old Christianity. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The other Christian churches I went to baptized people (which is a BIG LIFE DECISION) on the spot. For example if a newcomer felt on a whim that they wanted to be baptized, the church would do it right then & there. No learning, no planning or preparing, that was it. They promoted blind faith and circular thinking. I began to realize these were both normal attitudes and cognitive patterns within any and every Christian community that I encountered.

Even the Christians who exhibited curiosity mostly just asked questions in order to be able to understand, and then accept, the doctrine as truth. Questions never ever challenged anything.

Oh and let’s throw in the fact that I’m bisexual. Homophobia, transphobia, biphobia (and more) are rampant in the church. So needless to say, with all my observations about the lack of logical thinking in the church (and considering my sexual orientation) I fell away. I stopped going to church unless my family made me when I was home from college.

Enter stage right: Judaism

In retrospect I happened to have a lot of friends in my sorority and my favorite fraternity on campus who were Jewish (the frat happened to be a traditionally-Jewish one). Thought nothing of it at the time. Fast forward to junior year when I met this cute guy on Tinder. He’s now my boyfriend and we’ve been dating for over a year. He didn’t tell me this on Tinder, but when we went on our first date, he revealed that he’s Jewish and wanted to make sure that’s something I was ok with. Clearly I had no problem with that. I wasn’t too into Christianity anymore but I still identified as one (and I was still surrounded by Christian friends in my sorority) so I told him I was Christian/raised Catholic and asked hypothetically if he would be comfortable with a “both” family. He said yes.

We started dating during an October, so of course Hanukkah came up soon. There was a mega challah bake at our local Chabad, which he took me to, and we had a blast. From then on I decided I wanted to show him how supportive I was of his Jewishness. (The last girl he dated dumped him after 3 months BECAUSE he was Jewish... so I felt that I needed to be supportive)

We started going to shabbat services and dinner every week. We did Hanukkah together (we bought our first menorah together, he taught me how to spin a dreidel, his mom bought me Hanukkah socks...lol). At some point in our relationship I told him I may have Jewish ancestry from my grandma but it’s distant and my whole extended family is Christian so it really wouldn’t even matter. I don’t remember when I had that conversation with him.

Eventually, after another few months of Shabbat services and Shabbat dinners, Pesach came around.

We went to the first seder together. The second seder is what changed everything.

Deciding to convert

At first I wasn’t sure if I belonged at this second seder. My boyfriend had always brought me to every event. I had never attended anything alone at Chabad before. But I went anyway. Throughout the night I felt increasingly comfortable. I had never felt more like I was a *part of something* than I did at this seder.

I sat near a friend who I recognized. (He knows I’m raised Catholic.) Then he & his friends welcomed me. We all took turns reading from the Haggadah, we drank the four cups of wine together, and we laughed together as I had maror for the first time.

Then the familiar faces left to go home, and one of them even went to another table to sit with his other friends whom he hadn’t had a chance to see yet that night. Naturally I thought I was alone again. I almost left, but something tugged at my heart to stay until the very end of the second seder. Something told me to keep going and keep taking in this wonderful experience.

The rest of the night consisted of many songs (most likely prayers, in retrospect) I did not know. Everyone stood to sing and we all clapped to the rhythm. I knew none of the words but I still clapped along, alone at my own table. Then one of the boys — the one who had been sitting with my friends and I earlier — motioned at me to come over and join his other friends. I approached this new table full of people I’d never met, feeling awkward as ever, and they not only hoisted me up to stand on the table with them as they chanted, but they also included me in their dance circle. (no, I don’t think it was the Hora, we just spun around over and over. lol.)

This was the first night I felt at home with Judaism. Going through the Jewish history with the Haggadah, remembering the important occurrences and symbolizing them with various foods, ending the night by being welcomed into the community... it was transformative. After attending shabbat services for months and learning about Jewish values, it changed something in me when I observed Pesach for the first time last year. I knew this path would be right for me. I felt as if my soul had found where it belonged. The Jewish history, traditions, beliefs, and customs resonated with me. It all just... made sense.

I told my boyfriend I wanted to convert. I wrote three pages of reasons. But I sat on the idea of converting and did nothing for a while. I did do some more research on Judaism, though, as I continued to attend services each week.

The exploration stage

I began to actually research on my own time. If converting was something I was genuinely considering, it was high time I began actively learning as much as I could possibly learn. It was time to dive deeper than just attending the weekly services and googling the proper greetings for Jewish holidays.

I started digging deeper into Judaism and Christianity so I could compare and contrast the two. I needed to understand the similarities and differences. And BOY are they different. That was surprising at first, but the more I learned about Judaism, the more I loved how different it was from the Christianity I was indoctrinated into.

Not only are the values and teachings of each religion vastly different, but the Tanakh (which is “The Old Testsment” in Christian Bibles) actually contradicts:

The entire “New Testament”

The gospel books specifically

The Pauline letters specifically

How did I realize this? Some bible study of my own, but mostly through online research. And, of course, I would have gotten nowhere without the help of Rabbi Tovia Singer and his YouTube videos. He debunks everything there is to debunk about Christianity.

Here were some things I came across when researching:

It confused me how the four Gospels didn’t align (like, major parts of the story did not align at all...and supposedly they’re divinely inspired...but they don’t even corroborate one another?)

It confused me how the psalms we sang in church were worded completely different from the true wording in the Bible (essentially the Christian church is taking tehillim and altering it to benefit Christian dogma and Christian rhetoric.)

It confused me how we read in the Bible that Jews are ‘God’s chosen people’ and yet in every Catholic Church, every Sunday, there is a Pauline letter being read which depicts proselytization of Jews, as if Jews are lost and need Christians to save them. As if Jews would go to hell if they fail to accept Jesus.

It confused me why we would pray to Mary and the saints, because praying is worship, and worshipping anyone but God themself is idolatry.

It confused me why Christians make, sell, and use graven images. Idolatry. Again.

It confused me why Christians give absolute power to humans. For example, if you crawl up the same steps (Scala Santa) that Jesus supposedly crawled up before he died, you automatically get “saved” because *some old men who have no divine power* said so (they have a term for this and it’s called “plenary indulgence” lol).

It confused me why Jesus was believed to be the messiah considering he had to have biologically been from the line of Joseph. Wasn’t Jesus supposedly conceived without any help from Joseph? Wouldn’t that render Jesus, uh, not messiah by default? Even if he was from Joseph’s blood, he still did not complete all the tasks moshiach is supposed to fulfill. And even if he DID fulfill all the tasks required of moshiach... we still would not worship a messiah as he is human and not GOD.

These were all new thoughts I developed this past year between Pesach and Yom Kippur. New questions that challenged everything I thought I knew. It was like teaching a child 2+2≠22 but rather 2+2=4.

Hillel

This fall, after the High Holy Days, my boyfriend began attending shabbat dinners at a rabbi’s home. His new rav lives in the community and it’s exclusive to be invited, so I never imposed. We do Shabbos separately now (with some exceptions, we do it together sometimes).

I continued to go to Chabad with one of my friends who knew I wanted to convert. But one month, she couldn’t come at all, and I felt a little judged there anyway.

So I began going to Hillel a few months ago. And I honestly have found a home there.

From Hillel’s Springboard Fellow reaching out to me and taking me out for coffee to get to know me... to running into my sorority & fraternity friends at every Hillel event (shabbat or otherwise)... From getting included in various clubs like the women empowerment group and the mental health inclusivity group... to being the only college student to participate in Mitzvah Day (hosted by Hillel) with the elderly and the local Girl Scout troop... I feel truly welcome. I’ve started to attend every week. I even talked briefly with the rabbi about having Jewish lineage and wanting to convert.

Discovering new information

I went home to be with family during Thanksgiving break. My grandma flew in so she was there when I got home. She stayed with us from then until New Years (and she’s actually moving in with us next year.)

Of course, now I have a Jewish boyfriend, Jewish friends, and I’ve done extensive research on Judaism. So this time I had background knowledge when she inevitably said... “You know, we’re German Jewish!”

I inquired a little. I asked her what she meant. How is she Jewish? I know my uncle took a DNA test this year and came back part Ashkenazi. But I needed a deeper explanation than DNA.

She revealed to me that her mom’s mom was Jewish. We believe she married a Christian man. Together they had my great-grandmother, who I believe was Christian. She had my grandma, who had my dad, who had me.

And I immediately felt like that changed things. At first I was (internally) like, Now I definitely need to convert! But then I was like, Wait, does this make me Jewish? Am I Jewish-ish? ...Can you be considered Jewish if you’re only ethnically Jewish but not raised Jewishly? ...Can you be Jewish if your dad is your only Jewish parent? ...Can you be Jewish if your dad never had a bris or a bar mitzvah?

I joined a bunch of Jewbook groups, began learning the Hebrew calendar & holiday schedule, and found some folks who assist with Jewish genealogy. They did some digging for me and apparently I descend from the Rothschild family. THE Rothschild family.

Who is a Jew? Who “counts”?

This is something I’ve been muddling over.

At Hillel, at my school at least, most people are pretty Reform. They’re very liberal with their definitions of Judaism (they believe in patrilineal descent and not only matrilineal descent).

They accept me and see me as actually Jewish ...and the ones who don’t... they at least see me as Jewish-adjacent, an “honorary Jew” or an “ally to the Jewish people”.

My boyfriend, however, still sees me as Not Jewish.™️ (For context he’s Reform but he’s trying to become as observant as possible) I know he only thinks this was because of how we began our relationship and because of how I was raised. But I’m very confused here.

Do I count?

Do I not?

Do I count *enough* but still need to go through a formal conversion process?

So...now what?

I don’t know how to navigate this odd journey but I have felt for a while that I have a Jewish neshama and I feel a strong need to affirm it. I just don’t know how or what is appropriate. Do I learn Hebrew? Sign up for a trip to Israel/Germany/Poland? Put up a mezuzah? Or go toward the other end of the scale, and head down a path of a formal conversion/reaffirmation process?

Thank you in advance for your responses and thanks for reading. 🤎

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yocheved-for-the-win · 5 years

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Current Unrealistic Wishlist

Enough money to buy my grandparents’ home and fix it up some since it is my childhood home and I’m heartbroken they’re selling it. I lived in on and off throughout my childhood, and then moved in with my mom before high school due to financial issues, and we’ve been here for almost a decade. Hell, I’d settle for enough money just to make a decent down payment.

It’s harder knowing that it’s super likely that since the house needs some work it’s probably just going to be brought buy a developer and torn down to build another one of the cookie cutter homes that have been popping up more in the area. It would be easier if I could tell myself at least another family was going to be making memories in it. This house has so much potential, but no one cares. Like legitimately there’s so many things I love about this house that work well for me, desired amount of rooms, nice flow between kitchen, dining room, and living room, along with a great backyard. When I was a kid I hoped my grandparents would give it to me when I was grown. I know almost everyone has to say goodbye to their childhood home at some point, it still sucks though. Actually, my mom and her siblings feel some resentment towards the house because my grandparents sold their childhood home to move into it after my great grandmother passed away when I was 2 and my grandp wanted to buy it (actually it actually was the house my grandpa grew up in). I understand why they’re selling it. The house is big and old, and my grandma can’t keep up with it on her own (my grandpa doesn’t really help around the house at all, he has some health issues that have been made worst by a seditary lifestyle:/ while my mom works full time and is starting a new business) and it’s just too big, so they’re going to get an apartment in another city where my aunt lives, and now that my youngest cousin is starting school, my grandma is going to take care of them after school. And it’s all nice, and it’ll be better for everyone I know and I have to stop being so pathetic about a house, but I’ve cried at some point almost every day over the last few weeks about loosing my beloved home, and like a hard cry. I can’t do anything about it. I’m a poor 23-year-old grad student who doesn’t even currently live in the same state as the rest of my close family (which is another emotional issue I have also been dealing with), and I need to at least finish my master’s degee so yeah.

I’m going to daydream for a little longer about me buying the house and the life I could have in it. I’ll daydream about over the years bringing this home to its full potential from the hard stuff like fixing the roof and finishing the basement to the easy things like finally painting the dining room a color that isn’t bright yellow. I’ll daydream about having a few cats and dogs running around, hell maybe in my fantasy world, I’ll also have some chickens. I’ve always thought it’d be neat to have a few chickens. I’ll daydream about raising my future children in that wonderful home and all the holidays we could celebrate there.

This isn’t going to happen though. Within the next six months this home will no longer belong to my family, likely some stranger set on knocking it down will own it. I’ll never have another Christmas (I still celebrate with my family since they’re super secular) or Thanksgiving here. I’ll never look out at night to see our yard covered in snow twinkling in the moonlight. I’ll never be able to return to the spot of so many memories. And the worst part is, no one else feels this way other than possibly my grandpa, but I don’t want to say anything to my grandparents at all since I don’t want to make my grandma feel guilty because I really do understand why it has to be done, it still just hurts...so so so much.

I just needed to get the words out.

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ladyseaheart1668 · 5 years

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Endless Summer Book 4 : Daughter of Vaanu (Chapter 36)

Description: It’s December for the Catalysts and the supers. Time to celebrate!

Tagging: @mysteli @xo-endlessmayhem-xo @endlesshero1122 @whatmcsaid @feartheendlesssummer @tigerbryn11

Notes: This chapter is dedicated to Robin Metz (1942-2018). Robin was a professor of mine in college, as well as my academic advisor. He was the head of the writing department, and my craft would not be what it is today without him. He will be missed

On a happier note, I cannot believe I managed to get this chapter out in time for Christmas. But here it is. Happy Holidays, Everyone!

Chapter Thirty-Six

Lights in the Darkness

Tahira

A high-pitched electronic ding accompanies a message flashing the top of my vision as my mask alerts me that Caleb has sent a text. Hopefully containing the audio files from his interview. I touch down at the church, and dismiss the alert as I walk her to the clergy house. She thanks me and I give her a hug goodbye, staying guard until she unlocks the door and gets inside. I take flight again, heading towards Grayson's apartment.

I wasn't lying when I told Caleb that something came up. But I definitely implied it was more...dire than it actually is. This isn't something that's important to the fate of the world, or even the fate of Northbridge. But it is important to Grayson. And that makes it important to me.

I stashed a change of clothes at a library a few blocks away. Not inside the actual library, of course, as that would be way too conspicuous. But the library is designed with an underground parking garage beneath, and there is a place at the bottom of a grassy hill where several oaks and the corner of the large brick wall that surrounds the library on three sides form an ideal changing spot for the superhero on the go who needs to conceal her identity. It's not easily accessible to anyone without the ability to fly and it doesn't face any windows, so ordinary citizens don't usually pay any attention to it. I touch down and find the bag of clothes and winter outerwear I left there this morning. I change in a hurry. December air is bitey in this part of the country, even for a superhero. I stuff my supersuit in the backpack, slip it onto my back, and check that the coast is clear before clearing the wall and casually rejoining the civilian population.

Grayson

“Am I late?”

Tahira stands at the front door of my apartment building, shivering and huddled against the bitter cold. It's started to snow, and the flakes coat her dark hair like a lace veil. I smile and draw her into my arms, leading her inside.

“You're right on time. I've got cider waiting for us.”

Upstairs, I help her peel off her wet outerwear and press a warm mug of cider into her hands. She savors the warmth as she brings the mug to her face to breathe in the scent.

“Mmm. Perfect.” She blows gently across the mug, stirring the amber surface, and then takes a careful sip. “Yup. Perfect.”

“Good. At least that's a hit. I also tried my hand at latkes, but I don't know if I got it right.”

She grins a little. “How badly can you mess up a potato pancake?”

I grimace. “...Worse than you might think. Especially if you haven't even eaten one in years, let alone ever made them solo...”

I trail off, feeling a pall start to creep over me. I turn toward the stove, where the latkes are still sitting in the rapidly cooling oil coating the cast iron skillet. For some reason, my instinct is to turn away from Tahira when I can't keep my expression from crumbling as tears spring to my eyes. They don't fall and I don't choke on the lump in my throat, but it isn't as if Tahira can't guess what's going through my mind. I hear the sound of ceramic gently meeting formica as she sets her mug on the table, and then her strong arm encircles my waist. I let my arm drop over her shoulder. For a moment, she says nothing. Then, she leans over the skillet and breathes deeply.

“They smell pretty good.”

“I don't know why I'm doing this,” I murmur. “...I haven't even done Hanukkah in years...”

She rubs my back patiently. I said the same thing last night. I think she's realizing she's going to get eight nights of me wondering why I'm celebrating a holiday I haven't celebrated since the death of my grandmother. Dad hasn't celebrated or observed anything since Mom died, but for awhile, Grandma kept it all going.

“...Do you want this?” she asks me. “Do you want to light the candles and sing the prayers and eat latkes? I mean, it's kinda what I was expecting to do, but if you just want to talk or fool around or watch a movie, I'm game for anything.”

“...I do want this...” I confess softly. “I just...I don't know why I should do it...”

I feel her hand on my cheek as she turns my face toward hers. “Because you want to do it, Grayson. It really doesn't matter why you want to.” She kisses me gently. “Nothing and no one will be damaged if you do.”

“...And if I don't?”

“Nothing and no one will be damaged by that, either. It's all up to you. But for the record...I think you should.”

“...All right. Let's do this.”

Out in the living room, I dim the lights. The menorah sits on the credenza, flanked by sentimental knick-knacks and framed photographs. It belonged to my grandmother, who left it to me in her will. It's been a few years since I drew it out. I would not say that I have lost my faith since she died. I don't believe I have built up walls or neglected my spirituality. Charity, empathy, and kindness are still at the core of what I believe in. But I might concede that I've lost touch with my culture. It's hard when the only family I have left has all but abandoned it. But I'm starting to realize how much I want it back. I want to reconnect with my roots. Hanukkah is a decent place to start. Perhaps the only support I have is my secular humanist girlfriend, but I'm grateful for her. I am grateful for her encouraging me to perform the rituals that remind me of times before everything in my life outside of her was falling apart.

I draw her close to my side as I light the candles and sing the prayers. What washes over me is not quite calm. But when I finish the last note, and Tahira asks me if I feel better, I can honestly answer that I do. She smiles and kisses me.

“Good.”

“Thank you for doing this with me, Tahira.”

“Of course.” She cups my cheek, stroking it gently. “At the darkest, coldest time of the year, everyone should have something to celebrate, whether it's a holiday or something else.”

“That is a big part of what Hanukkah is all about,” I muse. “Light enduring through darkness, even when the odds were against it...”

She winds her arms around my neck and her dark eyes meet mine. She smiles, and there's a softness and affection in her gaze that brings a lump to my throat. She looks at me not just with love, but...with admiration. The Hero of Northbridge is looking at me with admiration.

“Just like you,” she says. “Even after everything you've been through, you're still standing strong.”

“After everything I've been through?” I chuckle mirthlessly. “What about you?”

“To be fair, I think we've gone through most of the last half-a-year together.”

“Except I didn't realize it for awhile.”

She winces a little. “...I thought I would be protecting you by not telling you who I was. But I'm glad to have you in the club now. ...And since my arch nemesis happens to be your father...”

I wrap my arms around her, drawing her against me. I'm not angry at her for bringing it up, but I'd really rather not think about that right now. I'd prefer to think about how much I appreciate her, not how angry I am with my father for hurting her, or how betrayed he has made me feel.

“Personally, I think the biggest advantage to the current arrangement is that you don't have to worry about disappointing me if you're late for a date or something. I'll just assume you were saving the city.”

She laughs. “How much do you want to bet that the first time I'm late for a date, it'll just be because I took a nap and forgot to set an alarm?”

“Hmmm...twenty bucks.” I peck her mouth with mine. “But since you're here now, and I have a gift for you...”

Her dark eyes meet mine. “Let's focus on the moment.”

Jake

Believe it or not, I used to love Christmas. Even though I was always fiesty and had a hard time making friends because of it, I wasn't always the bitter loner the Catalysts first knew me as. And, yeah, I'll admit it, I was a sucker for the holiday season schmaltz, right up until the year I watched my best friend blow up above me. After that, the days bled into each other until I had passed three years and three Christmas seasons without giving a crap. Then, of course, I met the love of my life, but we kinda literally skipped Christmas when we jumped forward six months with one of our number missing. And then I lost the love of my life. And spent five years without her. For those five years, I sometimes tried to celebrate for the sake of my family—both my blood relatives and the Catalysts—and once or twice if I had a partner at the time, I bought a card or a gift. But my heart was never really in it.

This year is different. This year I have everything in the world. My best friend. My family. My wife. Our unborn daughter. This year, I actually want to celebrate. The moment Halloween was over and I started to see fluffy red hats and fir trees draped in tinsel, I started to feel that old excitement again. And since the first of December, it's been underneath every moment of anxiety, flipping me from mind-numbing panic to eager anticipation.

On Saturday morning, I wake to find that Alodia is already up, standing in front of the full length mirror on our closet. Her hair is wet from the shower, and she's wearing a bathrobe, but from where I am, I can see that she's still naked underneath. She is holding the robe open, studying herself, her expanding belly, her swelling breasts. I roll over onto my back, grinning at her.

“Mmm-mmm. What a sight to wake up to.”

Alodia closes her robe, rolling her eyes, but I can see a smile playing around her mouth.

“You still think so? That's good to hear. Honestly, I feel more hideous every day.”

“You could never be hideous.” I push back the covers and get out of bed, moving to wrap my arms around her from behind and nuzzle her neck. She smells fresh and clean, like laundry right out of the dryer. Somewhat different from her usual floral-scented body washes and shampoos, but she's been using those less often since she's been pregnant. The stronger scents are harder to tolerate when her hormones have dialed her sense of smell up to eleven.

Alodia leans into my embrace, sighing as she strokes her belly. “Four more months. It's probably time to start preparing the nursery. Do you have any thoughts on that?”

I let my chin rest on her shoulder, swaying gently with her. “Hmmm, I don't know. Honestly, I kinda figured I'd let your nesting instinct guide us there.”

She snorts, reaching up to ruffle my hair. “Well, as long as you realize you're giving me full creative control. I don't want to do a traditional pink ballerina sort of room.”

“Really? I thought you loved your baby ballerinas.”

“I do. But there's no certainty that River is going to like ballerinas. For all we know, I'm growing a little karate champion. I'd rather do something more...gender-neutral.”

“No guarantee she'll like gender-neutral teddy bears or clowns or what have you, either. And as a baby, she'll probably like anything as long as she learns to associate it with calm and quiet and feeling safe. Still, I get your point.”

“I think I still want a theme. I sort of like the idea of a rainforest theme.”

I hesitate a moment before venturing, “Do you mean like your suite at The Celestial?”

She leans back in my arms, covering my hands with hers. “The rainforest is such a big part of our story together,” she murmurs, almost sounding apologetic. “It's where we met...where we fell in love...where we once thought we would build our little house and live together forever...where we separated and where we were reunited...”

I press my lips to her cheek. “It is a big part of our story,” I concede.

She exhales, a steadying sigh. “Besides that, I think all the greens and blues and browns and leafy patterns and such will be soothing.”

“It sounds very pretty. But you know, there is something more immediate that we should be thinking about.”

“Oh? What's that?”

I turn her gently in my arms so that we're face-to-face. “Christmas. Our first Christmas together. It feels like a pretty big milestone to me.”

“I suppose it is.”

I feel my brow knitting at what strikes me as a rather lukewarm response. “Are you...not enthusiastic about Christmas?”

“What? No, no, no, I like Christmas as much as anyone else. I have some pretty wonderful memories of Christmas. It's just...times like this make it a little difficult to forget that those memories are only of one timeline. And in another sense...this is my very first Christmas ever.” Her expression clouds for a moment. She lowers her gaze, but not before I see the sorrow in her eyes. “...And when that feeling fades...I remember that not all my Christmas memories in this timeline are happy ones. ...It was over Christmas break freshman year that Diego came out to his family...”

“...Ahh.” I wince.

“...But...at the same time, he and I made some wonderful Christmas memories on our own after that. On Christmas Eve, we used to pull out the sofa bed and spend the whole night watching Christmas specials, drinking eggnog, eating treats... We'd go out onto the deck at midnight to light sparklers and exchange gifts like we used to do with his family, and then we'd come back inside and go back to watching Christmas specials until we fell asleep. We'd sleep in until noon on Christmas day, and even though Aunt Molly and Uncle Rob were usually already getting ready for another fancy Christmas party, they would have left a huge platter of French toast and bacon warming in the oven for us, plus an obscenely large pile of characteristically extravagent Christmas presents for each of us...”

“Diego, too?”

“Yeah.” She is quiet for a moment. “...He was always part of the family to them. ...Once it became clear how important he was to me. ...And when his own family turned their backs on him...”

“Decent of them,” I grudgingly admit.

“...They weren't great parents. But they tried. They did their best.” Her eyes are starting to sparkle. As her mouth twists, she presses her face into my shoulder. “...Stupid hormones.”

I can't help chuckling. “My poor pregnant princess. Don't worry. I'll take care of everything to do with Christmas. But I do want to celebrate. I've got everything to celebrate this year, and I think we all deserve to have a real nice holiday.”

“That sounds exactly like what we all deserve.”

Dax

“I don't know, Dax. Is it really the only way?”

In what used to be Silas Prescott's office, Grayson sits on the edge of a leather easy chair, absently scratching with his thumbnail at a speck of something on the glass end table beside him. In the chair across from him, I lean forward slightly.

“It's the only way we know of.” When Grayson's uncertain expression doesn't alter, I sigh. “If Kenji gets injured as Talos, the only way we know of to heal him is by applying the liquid prism to bronze and grafting new tissue out of the result. We've seen it in action. His bronze body won't revert to human form with a life-threatening injury. It's...some sort of defense mechanism innate to his abilities. But if we just try to graft regular bronze to his body, it could kill him. So...yeah. As long as he intends to keep fighting, until we can find another way to heal him...we need to keep manufacturing liquid prism.”

Grayson sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Look...I'm in no way against making sure we have what we need to keep Kenji alive in the...unfortunately likely event of grievous injury...”

“And I totally get your reservations,” I assure him. “In the wrong hands, that stuff is dangerous.”

“Potentially beyond what we've already seen. Alodia did say that liquified time crystal is supposed to be highly toxic to humans. ...But if Kenji is likely to need it to survive a battle, then we have to keep up production. It's just...” He trails off, sighing and shaking his head. “We need to keep it quiet. Only have as many working on it as we need.”

“I think Hazel mostly developed the formula herself. And I don't think she will question you continuing to wanting to keep a small batch on hand.”

Grayson's eyes meet mine. “...Eventually, she's going to start asking questions that are going to be difficult to answer. ...I might think about asking Tahira to let us bring her into the club.”

“Is it necessary to go that far?”

“I don't know. ...But I'd like to keep Tahira in the loop. Not make the decision without her.” He gives me a rueful smile. “I'd be a real jerk boyfriend if I didn't.”

“Yeah, I'll concede that point.” I lean back in my chair. “The good news is that I think we have enough on hand right now to get us through a few more battles. But I think we'd all feel safer with a few more doses.”

“I'll get Hazel on it, then. First thing in the morning. For now, it's late, so you go home and relax.” He smiles again, and it's genuine this time. “Boss's orders, Dax. Your holiday bonus should cover any gifts you need to buy, so don't feed me any lines about needing the overtime.”

I can't help chuckling as I stand up and grab my coat. “Okay, boss. You have a good night.”

Alodia

Even in this timeline, I don't think I can remember Christmas ever being so exhausting. I'm sure being pregnant is the biggest reason for it, of course. But combined with that, it's my first Christmas home after having been gone for five years, and everyone who loves me is determined to mark the occasion. I don't really mind. I'm sure if I didn't have a little person growing inside me and sending my hormones into overdrive, I would be completely on board with the idea. But some aspects of the plan to make this Christmas unforgettable are inherently inconvenient. Like when Aunt Molly and Uncle Rob decide to surprise us by having a massive tree delivered and hiring professional landscapers and interior decorators to deck our halls both inside and out, and we haven't had time to get Varyyn hidden away somewhere he won't invite questions. Thankfully, Jake comes to our rescue and manages to work out a deal that results in us keeping the tree and decorations and the landscapers being allowed to decorate the grounds, but which keeps strangers out of the interior while not depriving the workers of a wage. Aunt Molly and Uncle Rob concede that the cost doesn't really matter to them as long as we're happy. They even acknowledge that they probably should have asked before sending strangers to our home.

That very day, a couple packages arrive from Jake's parents, containing another batch of decorations for us. The end result is that our little nuclear family of five has its own private decorating party that actually puts me in a proper holiday mood. Diego puts on a playlist of Christmas songs that run the gamut from medieval carols to John Denver and the Muppets, Mike prepares cider from a traditional family recipe, and I tease Jake by pretending that I intend to climb up the ladder to hang garlands.

“That's not really funny, Alodia,” he grumbles when I laugh and step off the ladder. “I just had images flashing through my mind of you falling and what could happen...”

I kiss him placatingly. “Falling is a hazard of ladders, you know. Even for non-pregnant people.”

“Yeah, but a fall from that height isn't likely to be fatal to a full-grown adult. So if any of us fall off that ladder, we're likely to break something at worse. You fall off that thing, you might...” He trails off, his expression twisting, and I realize just how much I scared him. I kiss him again, apologetically this time.

“You're right. I'm sorry. I promise I never actually intended to climb the ladder. I'll stick to hanging ornaments.”

“Geez, are Molly and Rob keeping anything for their own tree this year?” Diego wonders, pulling out the third box. “I feel like most of these are pretty familiar.”

“Yeah, a lot of them are. They've definitely given me all my favorites. Plus all the homemade ones from school projects. ...I expected them to part with those without much fuss, but I am surprised that they're letting me have the dancing ballerina and the Swarvoski snowflake. Jake, what did your parents send us?”

“Let's find out.” He kneels beside the box and fishes his keys out of his pocket to tear through the packing tape holding the cardboard shipping box closed. We crowd around him as he pulls the box open and digs through the bubble wrap, coming up with a Nativity barn, a box of painted figurines, and a burgundy ornament box. His eyes widen a little. “Oh, wow!”

“What?”

“This,” he says, trailing his fingertips over the ornament box. “My grandparents were getting these sets of gold ornaments as part of a...I guess it was a mailing club or something. You know, like a book or a music club where they send you books and CDs every month. Except it was once a year and it was ornaments. When they died, they left my folks a couple boxes.”

“Generous of them to give us one.”

“Yeah. And this Nativity set...well, my parents got this in the late 80's when Rebecca was a baby. Pop and Grandpa built the stable. Every year when we put up the tree, Pop'd take us to this religious bookstore in town and we'd get a new figurine. A new shepherd or a milk maid or an animal.” He chuckles. “By the time I came along, we actually had two Baby Jesuses because when Rebecca was a toddler, she used to play with the figures like toys. One year, the Baby Jesus went missing, and it wasn't until they took down the Christmas tree that they found Him. Apparently, Rebecca had decided to make Baby Jesus climb the tree and just...left Him there.”

I laugh. “So they'd already bought a replacement?”

“Yup.”

Varyyn lifts the wooden stable carefully, almost reverently. “Where do you think we should place it?”

I look around the living room, considering. “How about that end table over there? It looks big enough. We can put down the linen tablecloth so it doesn't get scratched.”

“Diego, will you help me, my darling? You know better where all the figures should be placed.”

I smile a little as I watch the two of them lay the tablecloth and begin placing the painted figurines.

“We should keep the wise men outside the stable for now,” Diego declares. “They're not actually supposed to arrive until the Feast of the Epiphany, which isn't until early January.”

I laugh. “Catholic upbringing still dies hard,” I quip, to which Diego grins and shrugs sheepishly.

“I can empathize,” Jake says, reaching over to pat him on the shoulder.

“I can't really,” Mike admits. “My family are C&E Methodists. How about yours, Alodia?”

“Secular as they come,” I reply. “The kind who only go to church for weddings. But remember I was practically raised by Diego's family, so I had enough second-hand Catholic education that I probably know as much as he does. I could probably still say the entire Mass in Spanish. And most of the prayers.”

“Please don't,” Diego entreats ruefully.

“I can say it in French if you prefer,” Jake offers.

“How about no one says Mass?” Diego groans in mock-exasperation. “That would take forever!”

I laugh and turn my attention back to the tree, pulling a glitteirng gold sleigh out of the burgundy ornament box.

“What do you think of all this, Varyyn?” I ask. “I mean, I'm guessing this isn't your first Christmas, but have you gotten used to everyone going crazy this time of year yet?”

Varyyn smiles, shrugging. “You only experienced one Niala'rei,” he points out. “And quite an unusual one at that. But the preparation and excitement that go into Christmas is not very much different. The stories are different, of course. Those took me a while to get straight in my head. But it is not very difficult for me to understand building such celebration around an event with spiritual and cultural significance to your people. Besides. I like an excuse to shower my beloved with gifts. Whatever it might be.”

I laugh as Diego blushes, but I can see the smile on his lips. “Well, if that isn't reason enough to get behind the holiday, I don't know what is.”

Tahira

The Sunday after Hanukkah ends, I find myself at St. Catherine's again, checking on Dylan and his family after the last Mass of the day. To my distress, I find them subdued, their spirits obviously dampened.

“...We've never had Christmas without our parents before,” Dylan reminds me gently when I ask what's wrong. I feel a stab of guilt, much stronger than I was expecting to. I have been working on convincing myself that I did everything I could that day. That the blame lays with Silas Prescott, who started the fight, and not with me. Most of the time I believe it. Then I remember that people died that day and all of that unravels. But this conversation isn't about me.

“That's going to be so hard on all of you,” I say softly. “...I imagine you'll be spending the day with Father Le?”

“Of course. Though he'll be leading Mass most of the morning.”

“...What about presents?”

“Well...we've got a few. I've managed to save enough to get everyone something, and Father Le pitched in. But...it's going to be a pretty lean year.”

I am quiet for a moment. “...I would like to help. If you'll let me.”

“You don't have to do that.”

“I know I don't. But I want to.”

“Why, though?” He looks wearily at me. “If it's just because you feel guilty, don't. Our parents' deaths weren't your fault. You were fighting to protect them. I know I'm only fifteen, but I'm old enough to know that even a superhero can't save everyone.”

“It's not just guilt,” I insist.

“Then why us? Why not some other kids? There are plenty in the city who will have less than we have this Christmas.”

“I know. And I have given to charities and volunteered at homeless shelters every year since I was younger than Alex. But you're the family that's happened to fall into my lap this year. And I won't just ignore you. If you tell me you don't want my help, I'll leave you alone. But I won't ignore you.”

He is quiet for a moment. Finally, he sighs, rubbing his hands over his face. “What did you have in mind?”

Estela

“I'm going to miss you.”

Quinn tips her head at me like a confused puppy. “It won't be that long before you see me again. I mean, you are still meeting me at my parents' before New Years' right? You still want to drive to California together?”

“Of course I do. It's just...I've gotten used to having you here...”

“Yeah,” she smiles. “I've gotten used to being here. I wish we could spend Christmas together, but it's Mom and Dad's first Christmas since they've officially been living together again...”

“And it's my Mom's first Christmas in eleven years,” I add softly.

She pulls me into a tight embrace. I hold her, burying my face in the curve of her neck. I try to tell myself that it won't be long before I see her again. And it won't be. But that doesn't make the parting any easier. Especially since I still haven't found the courage to tell her what I have been thinking and feeling for some time now.

“I promise,” she murmurs. “We'll be together again in no time.”

I hesitate for a moment. There is so much I want to say right now. But all I can manage is, “Merry Christmas, Quinn.”

Caleb

Christmas Eve. It came on faster than I expected. I guess I've been kinda caught up with Rourke and his crazy—and trying to sort out how much is crazy and how much is true. It's been dark for hours as I lie on the roof of my van in an empty parking lot, filling my lungs with toxins in the name of relaxation. The clouds of smoke I exhale mingle with the clouds formed by my breath hitting the frigid air as I stare up into the falling snow.

The Island's Heart is gone. Alodia Chandler had something to do with its disappearance. There were other crystals like the Prism Crystal, but those are gone, too. The Prism Crystal is the last of its kind. I don't know why, but I feel confident that those are facts. The rest of it...let's just say that I don't think Rourke's all there. But I don't think he's all gone, either. I'm not sure what to make of his claim that the entire world was destroyed in a volcanic eruption that no one can remember because of time travel. But I wasn't living in a cave six or so years ago, either. I remember the story being all over the news about the eleven students who vanished on a trip to the Caribbean. For six months, no one could get near the island. Given that the Prism Crystal came from that island, I can't stay skeptical about the idea that something weird was going on there. More and more as I think about it, I find myself believing that Alodia Chandler might be something more than an ordinary human.

A sharp whistle startles me out of my thoughts. The surge of adrenaline through my veins makes me drop my cigarette. Luckily my outerwear is thick enough and my reflexes fast enough that I avoid getting burned as I sit up sharply. I glare at a scrawny figure who stands in the beam of a street lamp, partially shrouded by the snowfall.

“Goddammit, Roach! You know everyone hates when you do that!”

Roach shrugs, wiping at a runny nose with his sleeve. “Gotta get your attention somehow.”

I feel my scowl deepen. This kid barely has hair on his balls, but he's already one of Gigi's favorites. He's also her loyal little lapdog. “What do you want? Somehow I doubt Gigi's inclined to give me a Christmas bonus.”

“No. But she does want to know what you've learned.”

“I haven't exactly been at this long enough to have learned much.”

Roach folds his arms, narrowing his eyes. “You've had time to learn something. You been out here awhile, Caleb. You gonna prove you're earning your pay? Or does Gigi have to assume you're taking advantage of her generosity?”

I snort. “Right. Generosity. Is that what she calls it?” But I know better than to refuse him. “Look. I managed to get in to talk to Everett Rourke himself. Problem is trying to figure out what in that addled head of his is real and what's noise.”

“What's he say about the Island's Heart?”

“That it was alive. But it ain't alive anymore. It was possessed by some crystal alien thing. The Prism Crystal is just one of thousands of crystals that used to exist on the island, but don't exist anymore since the alien...evaporated or something.”

Roach raises an eyebrow skeptically. “...Evaporated?”

“I don't know the technical term. I don't even know what the alien thing actually did to make itself gone. I just know that it's gone, and so is the Island's Heart, and all the crystals 'cept the Prism Crystal.”

Roach appears to be thinking this over. “What about Alodia Chandler?”

“Rourke figures she's actually a crystal alien herself. Put her in stasis 'cause he wanted to experiment on her. ...Told the courts she disappeared 'cause he figured he'd get out of the psych asylum someday and go dissect her. ...Take that back to Gigi. Tell her I got more sessions with Rourke, and I'm gonna see what else I can get out of him.”

Roach narrows his eyes at me. He's suspicious, I can tell. But he clearly figures it's gonna be worth something to Gigi, because he leaves without another word. I sigh and pull out another cigarette to light up. I'm only a few minutes into my smoke when I'm interrupted again.

“Who was that?” a voice demands from behind me. I turn on the cold roof of the van to see Talos emerging from the shadows, the streetlights reflecting off his bronze body. I sigh.

“Your boss know you're out here on Christmas Eve?”

“It's not Dragonness's concern what I do with myself on Christmas Eve,” he retorts sharply. “And if you think I would hesitate to tell her if I thought I just watched you betray us—”

“I assume you heard what I told the kid, right?” I'm not in any mood to listen to Talos' threats right now. “I know you're not actually stupid, Talos. You been listening to the recordings same as Dragonness. You know I didn't give Roach shit.”

“Roach? Is that his given name?”

“Who the hell knows?” I grumble, taking a drag on my cigarette. “...Look, I had to give Gigi something.”

Talos frowns. “You're...actually afraid of her, aren't you.”

I let our a short, bitter bark of laughter. “Hell, yeah! You would be, too!”

“You can conjure fire out of nowhere. Is she even a superhuman?”

“No.”

“Then...what's stopping you from just burning her alive and having it over with? Not that I'd condone that sort of thing. But why do you stick around?”

“...'Cause I'm not the only one she's got her hooks in. She gets 'em while they're young and vulnerable. Kids like Roach. Weak. Pliable. ...I seen what she does to the ones who try to leave.” I close my eyes a moment. There are memories threatening to crawl out of the dark place I've stuffed them. “...Enough of them are under her spell enough that they'll do it for her. ...And if she were gone, they wouldn't know how to take care of themselves.”

“So...it's altruism? You're just protecting the little children?”

“Those little children aren't so different from me, Talos.” When he doesn't answer that immediately, I change the subject. “...You guys didn't happen to listen to the latest recording yet, did you?”

“...I haven't yet, why?”

“...I just been thinking about some stuff he said. You...don't think it's possible he's been in touch with Silas Prescott, do you?”

“...Why would you ask that?”

“I don't know. He didn't say anything that strongly hinted that he had. But he didn't manage to put it in my head. ...And if he gets in contact with Prescott, it's just a short walk to learning Tahira's identity.” I look up, meeting Talos' bronze gaze. “...I don't want that to happen. Rourke's not safe just because he's in prison.”

“...You're right.” He is quiet a moment. “I suppose I ought to thank you for the warning.”

I can't help smirking. “Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too. ...You shiny jackass.”

Alodia

The whole Christmas season has turned out to be pretty hectic. But for the most part, I can get into it. Still, I realize well in advance that I am going to need a few days to recover from Christmas before I can start anticipating our Catalyst New Year's party. By Christmas Eve, Mike has gone back Portland to spend the holiday with his parents. The four of us left drive up to L.A, where Rebecca hosts us for a Christmas Eve brunch before she has to go to work. Then we immediately head back to Laguna Beach to drop Varyyn off before we join Diego's family in Riverside for the traditional Christmas Eve posada and dinner, where I immediately find myself surrounded by a horde of Soto women all eager to give support and advice to the pregnant woman. Fortunately for me, two of Diego's cousins are also expecting, which takes a little of the attention off me. I end up having a pretty good time with the other two mothers, Gabriela and Lourdes, both of whom I remember meeting when Diego and I were children. Gabriela is eight months gone with her first child, a son. Lourdes is barely three months along, but she already has a son and a daughter, so she has plenty of wisdom to share. I don't make it all the way to midnight, but my belly does give me the perfect excuse to duck out early—and bring Jake and Diego with me, since we all came together.

The plan on Christmas Day is to attend my aunt and uncle's annual holiday party, which will be held at the house in Riverside for the first time in years since we have officially taken over the beach house. I expect it won't be nearly as exciting as the posada, but I still want to attend if I have the energy. Luckily, the party is in the evening, which means Diego, Varyyn, Jake, and I all get to spend Christmas morning together as a family.

Naturally, we begin by exchanging gifts. Jake and I each seem to be trying to turn the other into our personal Christmas dress-up doll, showering each other with new clothes. He also gives me a beautiful tear-shaped crystal pendant necklace on a delicate gold chain and matching earrings. Meanwhile, an envelope with a business card inside reveals that I've booked a session with a photographer to get pictures taken of us before the baby is born. Diego and I of course stick to our tradition of silly gifts for each other—Crown and the Flame action-figure set for me, and a collection of obscure Star Wars novels for him. He and Jake get each other wall calendars, while Varyyn give both me and Jake decorative tins of gourmet loose-leaf tea. Varyyn presents his husband with a hand-sewn leatherbound journal, and Diego leads us outside to show Varyyn the windsurfing board Jake helped him sneak into the pool the night before—complete with a wetsuit.

“The better to disguise yourself with,” he explains. “The beach is pretty secluded out here, so I think it should be pretty safe to surf without attracting too much attention.”

Varyyn pulls Diego in for a deep kiss, tenderly running his fingers through his hair. “Thank you, my darling. I shall enjoy this a great deal.”

“We've got one more box to unwrap,” Jake announces.

“Oh, we do?”

“Yeah. The other day, a package came in the mail from Tahira, with strict instructions not to open it before Christmas.”

Jake leads us inside, and fetches the package from the hall closet where he had apparently hidden it. It's not a small parcel, but it's not huge either, and it's not at all heavy. We tear it open and find two smaller boxes, one addressed to me and Jake, and the other to Diego and Varyyn. Jake and I find a soft yellow baby blanket printed with sleepy puppies and kittens, hand-knitted booties and a baby hat, and a couple of onesies. We coo and fawn over the items, draping the onesies over my belly, until we notice that Varyyn and Diego have gone silent as they read over a piece of paper in Diego's hand.

“...What is it?”

“...A disguise,” Varyyn replies, his voice thick with emotion. “S-so that I don't have to hide. If Diego were to need me beside him out there in the world...I can staywith him...”

“...What? What do you mean?”

Diego lifts a ring out of a small velvet box. “...This ring. Dax Darcisse developed it. There's a button here that will create a virtual disguise for Varyyn. Kind of a Jem and the Holograms deal. It will make him look human if he ever needs to blend in.”

I feel my heart beating faster. Is Dax really capable of developing a device like that? Will it really work?

“Try it on, Varyyn. Let's see what it does.”

Diego takes Varyyn's left hand, slipping the ring onto his finger like they're standing at the altar, which just makes me grin. Then, Varyyn grips Diego's hand in his right while he brings the thumb of his left hand up to press the button. There is a soft beep and pale lights seem to race over his body. And then...Varyyn is gone. In his place is a handsome man of his exact shape and height, wearing his clothes, except with dark brown skin, dark eyes, and black hair styled in dreadlocks. Diego and Jake stare at him in amazement, their eyes the size of dinner plates. I'm sure I don't look any different. Varyyn looks around at us, and then down at his newly-dark hands.

“...By the Bride and her Lover...” He leaps to his feet, rushing to look in the mirror in the hallway, the rest of us following. “...It...it worked! It really and truly worked! I look...human.”

Diego comes up to wrap his arms around Varyyn from behind. The holographic disguise barely flickers.

“...I think you look beautiful, babe. Not that you don't look beautiful in blue, too.”

Varyyn cautiously smiles. “I look...very different. I think I prefer my true form. But...if this form is ever needed...”

“I can think of a way to test it out that you might appreciate,” I remark. “What would you think of me calling Aunt Molly and asking if she'd welcome one more guest tonight?”

Grayson

Christmas Day, I volunteer myself to help Tahira in her plans to make the day special for Dylan and his family. Everything begins around noon. My role is to pick them up from the clergy house in a limousine and take them to see the latest pirate movie while Tahira and her team set up the clock tower. I've also helped with paying for the gifts. I think Tahira was a little embarassed having to rely on me to buy most of the presents, but as I remind her, I can afford it. Besides, my father was responsible for the deaths of their parents. Much more than she was.

The kids are thrilled to be traveling in a limousine. I spoil them with snacks and sodas at the movie, and they seem to enjoy it. I have fun with it, too. It's got a good story, engaging characters, action, and romance. Actually, the romance makes me think it might make a good date movie. The kids leave in high spirits, hopped up on sugar, popcorn, and thrilling action. My limousine is going to be a complete mess, but it's more than worth it.

“Thank you, Mister Prescott,” Ysabel says, “for taking us to the movie.” The others echo her sentiments. I smile at them.

“You're very welcome. But the day isn't over yet.”

“It's not?” RJ squeals. “Where are we going next?!”

“The clock tower. A good friend of ours has a Christmas party planned just for you.”

Quinn

Christmas has been absolutely perfect. I've had not one complaint. My parents are living in Chicago now, in a comfortable suburban neighborhood. Their house is small, but it has room enough for them, and for me. They flirt and laugh over gifts, they flirt and laugh over dinner, and they shower me with affection. After dinner, we cuddle together on the couch, me between my parents, nursing eggnog, a fire crackling away while It's a Wonderful Life plays on the television. It's always been my favorite Christmas movie, but this year it seems to hit me particularly hard. I'm tearing up at almost every scene. By the time George and Mary are walking down the aisle, I can't stop sniffling. I feel Dad's hand stroking my hair.

“You okay there, Flipper?”

“I'm fine, Daddy,” I promise, wiping my eyes. “I just...love this movie. And I'm just so happy to have us all together on Christmas.”

“We're happy to be together, too,” Dad replies, kissing the top of my head. Mom takes my hand, bringing it up to her mouth to kiss my fingers.

“...I love you, Quinn.”

I curl up close to her, laying my head on her shoulder. “I love you, too, Mommy.”

“...There was a time when Christmas made me cry. Because I felt certain that every Christmas would be the last I had with my only child.”

“Pam...” Dad says softly. I put a hand over his.

“It's okay, Daddy. ...I'm better now, but you know I understand how sick I was.”

Mom hesitates a moment. “...I love you, too, Jim.”

“I know, Pam. I love you, too.”

“The thing is, Quinn...sometimes I worry that you might...think that I ever stopped loving. Especially if I were to explain...certain things about why my marriage to your father broke down in the first place...”

I sit up, hunting for the remote, and pause the movie. My dad looks worried, but I take his hand. I look at my mother. “I never believed you didn't love me,” I assure her. “...But I can tell you want to say something.”

“I do.” She draws me into her arms, and I rest my head on her chest. “...Darling...when you were born, you were perfect. You were everything your father and I dreamed of. ...And then you got sick. The doctors told us what you had was incurable. That you wouldn't live to grow up. That you probably wouldn't live more than ten more years. For the first few years, your father and I were on the same page. Scrambling around, doing everything to save you. To give you more time. We poured everything into protecting you. But nothing seemed to work. Your illness would go into remission, but then it would flare up again worse than before. ...I went through every stage of grief. I denied. I was angry. I bargained. ...When I reached depression, I honestly thought about killing myself because I couldn't bear the thought of burying my child. ...Your dad knows all this. ...He also knows that I eventually reached acceptance.

“...I want you to understand that acceptance doesn't mean I was ready to see you die. It doesn't mean that I wasn't going to grieve you all over again when what I believed was inevitable happened. ...It just means that I came to understand that I couldn't die with you. That when you died, I would still be alive. And I had to keep living. For my sake...I had to accept that there would be life beyond my Quinn. You understand that, don't you, sweetheart?”

I wind my arms around my mother. “I do understand, Mom. More than you might think. ...When my friend Alodia...when we thought she was lost to us...” I pause to wipe fresh tears from my eyes. “...My friend Jake was in love with her. Still is. When we thought she was gone for good, we did everything possible to help him move on, or at least keep living. ...He ended up getting her back, though.”

“Just as your dad and I ended up getting you back. For which I will always be grateful. ...I never stopped loving you, Quinn. And it wasn't your fault that we divorced. It wasn't even your illness' fault. Everyone grieves differently, and at different paces. And losing a child—or anticipating the loss of a child—that has been shown time and time again to put relationships through the ringer, for the simple reason that everyone grieves differently. Your father and I processed the situation differently, at different paces. ...He was still fighting to save you when I was thinking more about cherishing every moment I had left with you.”

“You can still cherish every moment with me, Mom.”

“I know. And I'm so thankful to have you and your dad to share my life with...” If she intends to continue her train of thought, she's interrupted by the doorbell. All three of us jump, exchanging confused glances. “...What on earth...?”

I sit up, pushing back the blanket that was draped over my lap. “Someone's at the door,” I remark needlessly. I get up and go to answer it, my parents following behind me. I turn on the porch light and unlock the front door. When I pull it open and see who's on the other side of the screen, my brain goes numb for a moment.

Huddled and shivering, covered in a coating of fresh falling snow and painfully underdressed for a midwestern winter night, is Estela. She shifts awkwardly.

“...Hello...I'm...early,” she manages to say through chattering teeth. Her voice breaks me out of my stupor. I push open the screen door.

“Oh, my God, come inside!” She shivers her way inside, and I close the door as she stands on the mat, stamping off the snow. “Mom, Dad, this is my friend Estela.”

“Welcome,” Mom says somewhat dazedly. “We...weren't expecting you for a few days.”

“Yes. I know. ...But I couldn't wait.”

“Couldn't wait?” I echo. “Wha...how did you get here?”

She blinks. “Well, I am a C.E.O of Rourke International. I can summon planes and rent cars anytime I want.”

“But...what about your family?”

“We had our celebration already. And I have been in San Trobida for more than a month at least. ...I missed you, Quinn. And...when you said goodbye a few days ago, I...I missed the opportunity to tell you—mmph!”

She's cut off as I throw myself into her arms, kissing her firmly and fully on the mouth. She almost immediately relaxes into the kiss winding her arms around my waist and pulling my hips toward hers. We're both breathless by the time we break apart.

“I...suppose I don't really need to say it now...” she murmurs.

My mom clears her throat. “...I suppose we don't need to make up the guest bedroom then?” she asks. I feel a blush creeping up my cheeks as I turn to see my parents grinning at us.

“No, I...think we can both sleep in my bed.” I look at Estela for confirmation, and she nods. I laugh, bringing her close for another kiss. “...Merry Christmas, Estela. ...Let's get you warmed up.”

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theusualspotcafe-blog · 6 years

Text

Holiday Dilemma

Game: Final Fantasy XV

Characters: Noctis Caelum, Lunafreya Nox Flueret

Pairing: Lunoct, Noctluna

Rating: Everyone

Author: The Usual Spot Cafe

Word Count:583 words

Notes: First off, I want to say I’m sorry that this is so late. It probably should have been posted at least a week ago but both of us got super busy with preparing for our own family’s holiday celebrations. Second, the reason why we simply chose Christmas as the winter holiday they celebrate rather than something else, or making one up was because Christmas exists in the Kingdom Hearts universe, and even though this is a fanfic with ffxv characters, this blog is mainly a Kingdom Hearts based AU, so we thought them celebrating (a secular) Christmas would be the easiest to accomplish (It’s also always the easiest to write based off of your own experiences so that influenced the choice as well). Anyway, enjoy, and Happy Holidays :)

Lunafreya sighed, hanging up her phone and pinching the bridge of her nose. “Everything ok, Moony?” He looked up as Noctis set her coffee in front of her, concern filling his deep blue eyes

Luna held back another dramatic sigh as she looked back at her mother's name on her recent call list. “Apparently, Gentiana and my mother are going away for the holidays this year.” She frowned at the photo of her mother, wondering what exactly she was supposed to do for the holiday season if she wasn’t going home.

Noctis seemed to have the same line of thought as her as he swallowed the bite of donut he had been eating, “so, what’re you gonna do?”

Luna swallowed, unsure if she should bring up her next line of thought, “I’m not exactly sure. I’ve never spent the holidays anywhere but at the manor, except for the one time mother took Ravus and I to the ski chalet.”

Noctis seemed lost in thought for a moment before he got out his phone and started typing on it. “Well, I’m sure mom and dad wouldn’t mind you coming for Christmas,” he paused for a moment, meeting her gaze with slightly wary eyes, “that is, if you want to spend it with us?”

Luna gasped in delight as if he’d just offered the world to her, “Truly Noctis? You’d want to spend Christmas with me?”

Noctis’s cheeks tinged pink as he rubbed the back of his neck, setting his phone down, “I mean, yeah, if that’s what you want. Why wouldn’t I want to spend this time of year with the person I love?”

Luna smiled fondly at his awkward fidgeting before her face fell at a sudden though. “Oh no, dammit!” she picked up her phone and started typing out a message while Noct stared at her curiously. She looked up a little guilty, “What about Ravus?”

Noctis, the sweetheart, tried to hide the sneer that made its way onto his face at the mention of her brother, but the disdain was as clear on his face as it was on Ravus's when she mentioned Noctis. He sighed, resigned to his fate of dealing with him through the holidays. “I mean, I’m sure he can come too if he doesn’t have other plans,” he finally got out through gritted teeth. He grabbed his phone as it vibrated. “Mom and dad say you can come, and anyone else too. The Amicitias almost always spend Christmas dinner with us, so they’ll be there. And Prompto’s parents are on duty this year so he and Ignis will be coming and then celebrating with them at a later date.”

Luna looked at him with a grin on her face, getting up from her seat and sitting back down in his lap, arms wrapped around his neck. “How did I get so lucky to end up with a sweetheart like you?”

“Moony!” Noctis’s cheeks turned a deeper shade of pink, but he wrapped his arms around her waist in return, burying his face into her neck as she snuggled into him.She kissed the top of his head, soft hairs tickling her nose along with the scent of hibiscus shampoo (that he’d stolen from her). “I think this will be the best Christmas ever. Thank you, Noct”

She felt the quiet hum from him that she knew meant he was happy and grinned, not even letting Olette yelling at them for PDA wipe the smile off her face.

#theusualspotcafe #christmas #final fantasy xv #ffxv #ffxv fanfiction #noctis #noctis caelum #Noctis Lucis Caelum #noctluna #lunoct #luna #lunafreya nox fleuret #lunafreya

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howblunt · 5 years

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all of the Ask things

Okay so shout out to this anon who is supporting my “Christmas in August” fantasy by asking me to answer all of these. You get it. Thank yooou

Silent Night: What is your favorite Christmas tradition

Decorating my house! But specifically putting together my Christmas village. I spend all year looking in thrift stores for new figures and buildings! Maybe I’ll post a picture this Christmas so keep an eye out for that ;) (I’ll tag it ‘Christmas village’ for anyone who is interested to check back in)

Joy to the World: Any New Years resolutions?

Well because it is August.. I’ll just tell you the one I made back in the beginning of the year. Be less hard on myself. I think I’ve been holding it up pretty well!

O Come All Ye Faithful: Is Christmas a religious or a secular holiday for you?

It has been secular for me for the past few years but I really wanna return it back to religious this year. I think religion is very important, but it can be easy to put it in the back of my mind.

Deck the Halls: How does your family decorate?

We all decorate the tree. My dad does the lights outside, with the help of a sibling or me usually. I put of the Christmas village. Everyone just goes to the boxes and puts up whatever they grab. The whole house is decked out! (and I decorate my own room)

Oh Holy Night: What do you do on Christmas eve?

My family goes to my grandma’s house and my mom’s side of the family is all there. We open the gifts we give each other by taking turns in a circle--it’s cute. I love my family so much.

Away in a Manger: Favorite Christmas Movie?

This is SO hard! But I always make time to watch “A Christmas Story” and “Elf.” (And usually “A Charlie Brown Christmas”)

The First Noel: Do you have a favorite tree ornament?

I don’t actually! But I have some of those small frame ornaments you are supposed to put a picture of someone in. For those, I print new pictures of famous people each year and hang them on the tree. (Usually referring to them as “Uncle/Aunt [insert famous person’s name]”

Oh Tannenbaum: Does your family get a real tree every year or do you have a fake one?

A real tree every year! We all go out together to pick it--one of my favorite traditions because we take my dog (a yorky) and he has such a fun time running between the trees.

Good King Wenceslas: Do you hang stockings up?

Yes! Everyone in my family has a stocking (including my dog). They get filled with nuts, gum, and airheads!--we snack on the airheads all morning while everyone is taking turns opening their gifts.--

My dog’s gets stuffed with dog treats.

Patapan: Are you traveling for Christmas this year?

Nope, I’m staying home. Though I might go to visit a friend for a week out of the break. But Christmas day is defiantly at home.

God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen: What's the earliest Christmas memory you have?

When I was younger, my sister, my two cousins, and I would put on these little nativity plays for our family on Christmas Eve at our grandma’s house. Those were fun :)

The Little Drummer Boy: Josh Dun.

Yeah

The Holly and the Ivy: Favorite christmas dessert?

We don’t eat it as a dessert but it is sweet enough to be! Each Christmas morning, my mom makes Monkey Bread for breakfast.

Ding Dong Merrily on High: Favorite Christmas piece of clothing? (Hat, sweater, etc?)

Duuuuuuude I have SO much Christmas clothing! But I guess my favorite is this big Christmas dress I got from a thrift store. It is an XL while I am a Medium... so it’s pretty big on me. It is a checker board print of a bunch of Christmas stuff (cookies and milk, santa, candy cane, etc.) It is ugly BUT i wear it on Christmas Eve, usually with a long sleeve turtle neck undershirt (with Santa’s on it), and a white belt.

But a close second favorite is my shirt with yoda dressed as Santa.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas: Does your family send Christmas cards?

Yes! We send Christmas cards with a picture of the family in it.

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing: Do you still believe in Santa? If not when did you stop?

Unfortunately, I no longer believe in Santa. But there is so much magic in believing in him and keeping him apart of Christmas tradition + talk. So whenever I am talking about gifts I received, I refer to the gifts under the tree as family gifts and the ones put out for Christmas morning as Santa gifts.

I stopped believing maybe in the fifth or sixth grade. Idk if that is too old to believe in him BUT I was in denial.

We Three Kings: What do you want for Christmas?

Because Christmas is so far away, idk what I’ll ask for. But I know I want to help get Christmas gifts for families who need help. I did that last year and I really wanna start making it a tradition to do so.

Angels we Have Heard on High: Angel or star on the top of the tree?

When I was younger, we had a angel. Now we have a star. (We still have the angel though)

Lo, How A Rose: What's your Christmas dinner menu?

For Christmas night, my family goes like an hour away to this family friend’s house--they have a open house type of thing. We just eat whatever is there.

What Child is This: Do you like eggnog?

I do! But I can’t drink a whole cup... it starts tasting kinda funny if I drink too much.

sweet winter asks

❄️: name something that makes you unique.

Something that I do that is unique in my house during Christmas would be putting it into my own hands to decorate the upstairs. We never did that till I decided I wanted to

But outside of my family Christmas, I honestly don’t know what makes me unique :P

🍦: do you have a favorite holiday sweet?

Holiday specific would be gingerbread! -- through the year i get random cravings for it .. but no where sells it out of season for a chill price :P

🌫: what’s your favorite indoor snow day activity?

I Answered this for someone else :)

☃️: what’s your favorite outdoor snow day activity?

It doesn’t snow where I live (I’ll never not be bitter about it). But my favorite Christmas outdoor activity is going to see Christmas lights.

🌟: what would you wish for on a shooting star?

In General: For my dog to be able to talk

Christmas Wise: For all kids to have pleasant Holiday experiences (and pleasant childhoods)

🎀: what’s the best gift to give a loved one in your eyes?

Honestly, anything from the heart. If you are excited to give it to them because you think they will be just as excited to receive it—Then it is a good gift.

A gift I gave that is my favorite is this vest that I sewed for my sister. I embroidered these box patches of the Bob’s Burgers main cast silhouettes. And then I sewed the patches to the back of the vest--also put hamburger buttons on the front. I think it was my finest work B)

✨: do you have special songs that you like to listen to during winter?

I Answered this for someone else :)

💝: describe your idea of a perfect winter date.

The perfect winter date would include going to the park to look at the lights and go to the lil amusement park there. Also, if the dude can play on the piano some Christmas songs that’d be fun--if he can’t, I will.

🐇: would you say you’re more of a bunny, an owl, or a fawn?

I Answered this for someone else :)

💎: if you could be gifted a piece of jewelry, what would you like?

I would want a necklace

👼🏼: would you rather be an angel or an elf?

I wanna be an angel plssss

#anon #ask #thank you again!#This was fun

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mistersplitfoot-archive-blog · 7 years

Text

Okay, I filled out that witchcraft survey thing. It’s long, so it’s under a read more. Again, sorry mobile users. 1. Are you solitary or in a coven?

I am solitary. There aren't many covens around here, and the ones that are nearby are all Wiccan. I also work better on my own, both in a magical and mundane sense, and I'm not very social. Solitary practice is better for me.

2. Do you consider yourself Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other?

I am a secular witch. I do not currently consider myself a pagan, because I don't worship or honor anything, but that may change in the future. If it does, my magical practice will still be entirely secular. No need to involve religion. I am not, and I never will be, Wiccan.

3. What is your zodiac sign?

Aquarius sun, Sagittarius moon.

4. Do you have a Patron God/dess?

No.

5. Do you work with a Pantheon?

No.

6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or any other kind of divination?

I read tarot and oracle cards, and sometimes runes. I plan to learn to read Lenormand soon. Sometimes I do bibliomancy, but it's rare. I'm interested in palmistry but I haven't started learning it yet.

7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any)

I don't have a job right now; my partner supports me financially. Because of this, I make the best of what I have available already or can access cheapy. I use a lot of cooking spices. Bay, basil, thyme, parsley, cinnamon, rosemary, etc. I also use the tea from herbal tea bags when I need something like chamomile, lavender, catnip, etc.

8. How would you define your craft?

I wouldn't. It's all over the place.

9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do?

I do curse. I don't do it often, because it uses up a lot of my energy and as a spoonie witch I need to conserve as much as I can for mundane things.

10. How long have you been practicing?

Off and on for about twelve years.

11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars?

Sadly, I do not. None of my pets have ever seemed interested. One of my cats showed potential for a while, but she doesn't seem to care anymore. I am interested in connecting with a spirit familiar, though.

12. Do you believe in Karma or Reincarnation?

I believe in reincarnation. I do not believe in karma. Karma is part of specific religious systems that I am not a part of. I believe in reincarnation in a purely spiritual sense, with no connection to religion. On that note, because someone might ask, I do believe in the concept of otherkin and fictionkin. If there are infinite universes and reincarnation is a thing, there's no reason it would be impossible.

13. Do you have a magical name?

No. My last name has magical connotations on it's own, though it isn't the one I was born with. I chose it, after one of my favorite book characters.

14. Are you “out of the broom closet”?

First, I have to say that I have always hated this phrase, even before I understood anything about my non straight and non cis identity. I don't think it should be used by non-LGBT witches. But anyway. Yeah, most people who know me as more than an acquaintance know I'm a witch. Unfortunately, most of them assume that means I'm Wiccan, and I don't always have the energy to explain that I am not.

15. What was the last spell you performed?

A money drawing spell.

16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable?

Yes and no. I know a lot of specific things, but I don't have a broad range of knowledge in most witchy subjects. I've been practicing for over a decade and I still feel like a beginner.

17. Do you write your own spells?

Yes. I rarely perform spells that I didn't write myself, or at least modify a bit.

18. Do you have a book of shadows? If so, how is it written and/or set up?

I have a grimoire. I prefer that term over BOS because BOS is so rooted in Wicca. Of course, I don't mind if others use it, it's just my preference. Anyway, I have two. One is faux leather bound binder originally intended for scrapbooking, so it's pretty big. That's the one I keep at home. I can rearrange pages as I like, since it's a three ring binder. I also have a smaller, portable grimoire in the form of one of those little journal books. It's also faux leather, and it's incomplete. I just started putting it together recently. It'll be a very watered down version of my main grimoire, with just basic information for easy reference purposes. The larger one is much more thorough.

19. Do you worship nature?

I don't worship anything, but if I were to worship anything, it would be the cosmos.

20. What is your favorite gemstone?

Blue goldstone, green goldstone, opal, malachite, and I know it isn't technically a gem, but opalite.

21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work?

I don't, but that's because I just don't have any. And I don't have the funds to acquire any. The only bones I have is the partial skeleton of a baby deer, found by my mom's hunter friend when he was in the woods. They had been there a while and most of it was missing, but my mom got her friend to give me what he found. I haven't done anything with them yet. They're fairly large so I'm not sure what to use them for.

22. Do you have an altar?

I have two, but they're for spellwork, not worship. I have one downstairs in my living room, it's on top of a waist-high bookshelf. And I have one in the bedroom, on top of an antique glass vanity that used to be my mom's. Both are very small, much smaller than I'd like, but again, I make the best of what I have.

23. What is your preferred element?

Air or fire.

24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist?

Not really. I don't know much about alchemy, to be honest. It's on my list of things to study. Eventually. I have a long list.

25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch?

Maybe? I'm not sure. I don't think so, though.

26. What got you interested in witchcraft?

I can't remember. I can hardly remember what I did last week. I just know that when I first found out about it, everyone had me believing that Wicca was the Only Option. Because of that, it took me a while to get into it.

27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch?

Yep. I live with my partner, who is not a witch, and I've done several spells in front of them and for them.

28. Have you ever used ouija?

No. My partner had a bad experience with one as a child and won't let me bring one into the house. I'll use one someday, though.

29. Do you consider yourself a psychic?

I think everyone is to some degree, but I don't think my talents are very strong.

30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it?

I do, in a sense. This is rather personal so I won't go into it too much, but it's someone I knew in a past life.

31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started?

That Wicca is not the only option! And that I don't have to devote my time and energy into woshiping a faceless God and Goddess that I feel absolutely no connection with. That I don't have to be religious at all to be a witch.

32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite?

I don't. I celebrate 'christian' holidays in a secular sense (christmas, easter, etc) and I associate the Sabbats with Wicca, so I just. Don't acknoweldge them. I don't mind when other people do, though.

33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children?

I'm never having children.

34. Do you meditate?

Yes, but I'm not very good at it.

35. What is your favorite season?

Late fall and winter.

36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform?

Anything, really. Aside from curses. Curses take up so much more energy than any other kind of spell I do and then I'm just exhausted for the rest of the day.

37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life?

I'm not really sure how to answer this. It's not really something I can explain.

38. What is your favorite witchy movie?

Hocus Pocus! It's been a favorite since I was a kid. It was one of those movies I'd watch repeatedly all day and make my parents hate me.

39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction.

Fiction, probably Harry Potter because I'm a big ol' cliche and because I literally grew up with it. Non-fiction, probably The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells by Judika Illes. I've owned it twice now. I first borrowed it from a friend in high school, and it was in pretty bad condition. Pages falling out and whatnot. That friend moved away before I could give it back, and I lent it to someone else. I never got it back either, and a couple years ago my partner bought me a replacement. I like the cover of the new edition much better, anyway.

40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not.

Fuck if I know, my dude. Like I said, I can barely remember last week.

41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you?

Nothing too weird has happened to me as far as magic stuff goes, but when I was still honoring Loki, something happened. I was talking to him about something, I can't remember what, but I think I mentioned something about doubting the existence of deities, and how I wasn't sure if anyone was even hearing me. Literally the next day, a fucking snake got into my house. No idea how. But it just showed up, and my cat chased it around and we managed to catch it before the cat could hurt it and we set it free. It had never happened before, and it hasn't happened since. So yeah, I get it, deities exist and they hear us. Message received.

42. What is your favourite type of candle to use?

I love black candles. I know, it's so cliche and 'edgy' of me, but they just feel so witchy and nice.

43. What is your favorite witchy tool?

I don't use many tools. Usually the only things I use are incense burners, candles, and occasionally my tiny cast iron cauldron.

44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools?

I made an offering bowl years ago, when I was still making offerings to deities. That's about it.

45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fae or spirits?

I have not, but I'm very interested in doing so. I need to research a lot more, though.

46. Do you practice color magic?

Yes, color plays a big part in my practice. I try to use candles in appropriate colors for specific spells, or I write in colored ink when drawing up sigils, the colors of gems matter, etc.

47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind?

Nope.

48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies?

There's a new age store about thirty minutes from my house. They're the only place I can find a large amount of crystals, herbs, and incense. And the staff there is very nice. I usually buy candles at the dollar store, though. And when Halloween rolls around, Walmart sells little packs of black tea lights for a decent price, so I stock up n those every October. Craft stores are good for some things, too.

49. Do you believe in predestination or fate?

Yes and no. I think every choice you make changes your fate. That's why things like tarot and rune readings aren't set in stone. You have the power to change things if you don't like the projected outcome.

50. What do you do to reconnect when you are feeling out of touch with your practice?

Take a break from it. Sometimes I just get burned out and don't feel it. That's fine. I just take a couple months off and I don't do anything witchy. Then after a bit, the feeling comes back on it's own. Something I see or read or hear will spark it again.

51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences?

There's a ghost in my house that fucks with me all the time. Nothing dangerous or violent, more like hiding my things and opening cupboards that I know the cats can't reach. And at my mom's, I have an uncle who haunts the house. I never met him, he died when he was a kid, but my mom has seen him in the backyard, and he's turned lights on after I've turned them off when I've been house sitting. My partner swears they've heard him say 'hello'. And the snake thing I mentioned earlier, if that counts.

52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve?

People thinking witch = Wicca, and that any witch who isn't Wiccan is 'fake'. That, and people (Wiccans) who try to force their anti-cursing Threefold Law rhetoric on other, non-Wiccans. And the rampant cultural appropriation, of course.

53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent?

I love incense. I go through it like it's water. My favorite scent is probably dragon's blood.

54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind?

I've tried, but I never manage to keep up with it. I'll try again someday.

55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster? I've never had anything terrible happen, thankfully.

56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success?

I helped my partner get a job! It happened about a week after I did an employment spell for them. They ended up hating the job and quitting two months later, but still!

57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about?

Nothing really.

58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too?

Absolutely.

59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work?

Of course. I think everyone feels like this now and then, even experienced witches.

60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain?

Oh definitely. But I do that in all areas of my life, not just witchcraft.

61. What is something witch related that you want right now?

I have a spare room in my house that I currently use for storage. The dream is to clear it out, donate all the shit I don't want anymore, and turn that spare room into a magical room, where I can have a bigger work space and more room to make things look all pretty and nice. And maybe keep a little herb garden in there near the window.

62. What is your rune of choice?

I don't use runes enough to really have one.

63. What is your tarot card of choice?

The Star is my favorite card.

64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite?

I do sometimes. My favorites are lavender, jasmine, rose, patchouli, amber, and honeysuckle.

65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses?

Nope.

66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public?

I don't really wear much jewelry. As a transmasc person who doesn't pass very well, I try not to wear things that will make it even harder for me to pass. Sometimes I'll wear an amethyst point under my shirt, or the old skeleton key I've enchanted.

67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch?

No. Unless you count my mom being very against it when I was a teenager, but even then, it wasn't a big deal. She didn't threaten to kick me out or anything, she just didn't want me doing anything in her house. I was still allowed to read and study it.

68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines? No. I don't even know of any.

69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft?

Well, the history of paganism is extremely broad. It's an umbrella term for a bunch of different religions. I think it's a little ridiculous to expect, say, a Hellenic Recon pagan to know the history of Celtic Recon or something. So it's good to know the history of YOUR practice. As for witchcraft, I think it helps to know where some things came from, to know you're not appropriating anything, and also so you know Wicca isn't fucking 5000 years old or whatever. And don't spread misinfo. If you're knowledge on 'The Burning Times" is from a $ilver Ravenw0lf book, I suggest you do some further research because it's fucking wrong.

70. What are your favorite things about being a witch?

I like the aesthetic and I like knowing I have some level of control over things in my life. When I can be bothered to use that control, anyway.

71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch?

The fact that I have to constantly explain that witch does not equal Wiccan. The fact that there are still people (read: TERFs) who think you have to be a cis woman to be a witch. And witches that shit on other witches for not being militant vegans. Fuck off.

72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band?

Not really. It's not really my thing. I personally think southern gothic music is far more witchy than most 'witchy' musicians. Not that that's the only genre I listen to, that's just an example.

73. Do you celebrate the Esbbats? If so, how?

Nope.

74. Do you ever work skyclad?

Nope. My altars are right in front of windows, and I also just don't think it's necessary.

75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how?

Sure. Like I said, it's given me a sense of control, and it's given me some hobbies and interests I might not have otherwise.

76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice?

Pop culture, other witches, art, music.

77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc)

Well I don't consider ghosts to be fantasy creatures. But anyway. I think things like that can exist on other planes, like the astral or something. I think in special circumstances, maybe they can be seen (I know people have claimed to have seen faeries, for example), but I think they're usually invisible.

78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol?

I like planetary symbols, if that counts.

79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not?

I have before, but I don't do it often because I have an intense preoccupation with disease and infection. I think, in most cases, spit or hair or fingernails work just fine instead, and you aren't risking getting sick from it.

80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice?

Probably not. I don't have to date a witch (as I said before, my partner is not a witch), but I can't date someone who doesn't support me or thinks what I do is silly or fake.

81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow?

I'm not sure?

82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice?

I don't have a favorite. I prefer unscented candles because lighting a bunch of different scents all at once tends to give me a headache.

83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it?

Gather up everything I need. Wash my hands. Do some deep breathing and/or meditation if it's necessary. Dab a specific oil on if it's necessary. Make sure I have water nearby if I'm using fire.

84. What real life witch most inspires your practice?

No one specific, I just like following witchy blogs and instagrams and seeing what others are doing.

85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity?

I don't do this anymore, but if I wanted to talk, I'd just light a candle I had set aside for them and just. Talk to them. If I wanted some kind of response or guidance, I'd use tarot cards, too.

86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients?

What is 'organization'? My stuff is just anywhere it will fit. One of the reasons I want to clear out that room, so I can actually have some organization.

87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of?

Nope.

88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it?

I couldn't really tell you, because I don't even know if it is unique. It probably isn't. I'm sure there are tons of other witches out there who do the same, or similar, things that I do. My goal isn't to be unique, it's to do whatever works.

89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they?

I like to think I'm pretty good with tarot. I'm never going to be perfect, and I'll never be done learning, but I think I've gotten fairly good at it.

90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven?

I think this varies from tradition to tradition. Since I'm not part of any tradition at all, this does not apply to me.

91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought?

Nothing. I borrowed books from friends.

92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been?

Wooded areas and lakes feel spiritual to me, as do some liminal spaces. There's also this place near my house called Five Points that is infamous around here for ghost activity.

93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities?

My advice is don't ask me for this kind of advice.

94. What techniques do you use to ‘get in the zone’ for meditation?

The deep breathing exercises they teach you to control anxiety is helpful, because it slows your heart rate and puts you at ease, even if you aren't having a panic attack. I also like to listen to certain instrumental music, or sometimes even certain ASMR videos. Depending on my mood, I might light candles or incense, too.

95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it?

It comes very easy to me. It has since I was a kid, because part of playing with friends was visualization. I'm also an artist, and I know not all artists do this but I usually see a drawing before I do it. So visualization is just second nature for me.

96. Do you prefer day or night? Why?

Night. Because my sleep schedule is fucked and I don't start feeling active until around 4 or 5 pm.

97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work?

Place is wherever you have everything you need and you're comfortable and safe. Time depends. I like to time my spells with certain days of the week and moon phases if possible. If you mean time of day, I prefer night, but again, that's because I'm not very active during the day.

98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly?

I don't remember any of my 'firsts'.

99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice?

Ehh kinda. Not everything gets easier, but some things do. Like, you learn what works for you and what doesn't after trial and error. You start to remember correspondences without needing to look them up. Things like that get easier.

100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces?

Many gods. All gods, actually. Even 'fictional' gods. Because I believe in all deities, and I believe in the multiverse theory.

101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy?

I don't eat red meat because of medical reasons. I have a hard time digesting it and it almost always makes me sick. I do eat other meats, like poultry and seafood, and I eat eggs and dairy. I am not a vegan. I don't think you have to be a vegan to be a witch. And I think militant vegans need to tone it the fuck down.

102. What is your favorite color and why?

Blues and purples. They're calming, pretty, and remind me of things from a past life.

103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond?

To be honest, most of my non-practicing friends don't ask me much. My partner asks me to do spells or them, that's about it. Or I get asked to do readings. Other than that, I don't get many questions.

104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest?

Either hearing or scent.

105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice?

Protection, probably. I don't cast a circle or wards for every spell or ritual I do. I probably should use them more, but I just. Hardly do. I usually only do that if I'm going to be performing a curse.

#long post #about me

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