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#and two presentations i havent even started WORKING on due early next week!!
thataveragewriter · 5 years
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Hello, I will please like to as for a request if its not a bother,Hanzo a fem s\o, she is a trainee in overwatch and she wants to join, due to that she has to fight against hanzo cause he is one of the best fighters, but everyone readers loses of course, and hanzo feels bad for her, but he can't let her win because Jack will know if he is doing it, han starts falling for reader but she actually starts "hating him" because she can't win, then Hanzo tries to give her some flowers or m... (1\2)
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A/N : right, I will forever apologize for the lateness of everything! But its finished! well kind of, This will be a two-part series cuz its long and … yeah! Also I'm terrible with fight scenes, forgive me T_T wait for the next part, which will be possibly done soon…. :’)
Hanzo x reader - fight me
Being a new recruit was never easy. You were treated as the underling from the lack of experience you had, much unlike your peers who seem to come from a military background. With only sports as your background experience, you went through more rigorous training than the other trainees. You wished to show your supervisors, in this case, was the head of overwatch Jack Morrison, that you were more than a pretty face. Spending numerous hours in the training suit, you managed to work yourself to death trying to develop your physical strength with sheer fortitude.
“Agent [l/n], you’ve exceeded your latest physical combat and endurance examination with an impeccable score. It is most impressive, good work soldier” The older male said, his lips formed a small smile of approval.
“Thank you, sir” you said as you tried to contain your heavy breathing. The firm gaze the Commander had on you was intimidating yet you did not wither under his scrutiny.
“However, in order to truly improve yourself and rank up, you must be faced with a more advanced opponent” Jack continued. You wondered whether the commander himself would spare with you, though it was a daunting task. You cocked your head in confusion, silently prompting him to continue. The commander chuckled lightly at your uncertain look.
“I’m assigning you to work with Hanzo Shimada from the recon squad. His skill is admirable in both combat and on the battlefield, so I feel you will greatly benefit from this, agent” Jack said as he placed a hand on your shoulder as a sign of reassurance.
“I…yes sir, thank you for this opportunity!” You say, a little too loud and excitedly. The other trainees look in your direction and you cower a little from the attention. An embarrassed blush forms as you fidget.
“Tomorrow at 0700 sharp, come to the training grounds and I will introduce you.”
“Don’t take it easy yet Agent, I assure you Hanzo will not be an easy opponent” The commander chuckled as he walked away, leaving you to soak in his words.
As you watched Jack form disappearing, you heaved a deep sigh you’ve been holding in. You then stretched, feeling your bones crack and ‘pop’ in certain joints released the built-up tension you’ve been building up.
‘Mann, I just wanna rest all week, my bones are gonna break any day’  you thought as you let out another sigh then headed back to your room for a shower. The day went on without another hitch. A couple of scouting lessons and then dinner.
Your mind wandered to the oncoming task, you realised you haven’t once met the mentioned male. Sure, you’ve heard of Hanzo, a renowned archer for his unprecedented skill with the bow, and how he caused a form of anxiety amongst the trainees due to his background and impressive status. Though you have yet to meet the man in question, it didn’t deter your determination as you had confidence in your combating skills.
It was evening, in time for dinner. You were a naturally reserved individual yet you made acquaintances with a couple of members from the other squads. Swiftly, you finished your dinner and decided to head back to your bedroom.
After a while of wandering through the white pristine halls, your anxious mind kept thinking of the possible outcomes tomorrow. With a sigh, you headed out toward the garden, behind the building. Stepping out into the cool air of the night, you felt revitalised from the comforting cold breeze.
“it is a fine night, would you not agree?” A voice said behind you, catching you off guard. You yelped a little as you flinched at the sudden voice. You turn, coming face to face with the owner of the voice. A hint of a smile was present on the male’s features.
“My apologies for my unannounced presence” The male said. You glanced up, taking in his unusual choice of clothing yet admired his silky locks and intricate sleeve of tattoo that covered his arm and chest.
“I-It’s no problem, I was just  …a little surprised that’s all” you nervously chuckled. The male cracked a small smile as he looked over your figure. You felt small under his gaze, you looked away and out at the sky.
Unbeknownst to you, Hanzo found you ethereal in the moonlight. He couldn’t help himself when he began approaching you from behind, his heart seems to have controlled his movements when he found himself speaking to you. Watching you flinch, caused a warm swelling in his usual cold being, you were causing a mystical change to the older Shimada.
“Sorry, I don’t think I introduced myself. I’m [y/n] [l/n]” you smiled as you stretched your hand out toward the male. He gladly accepted with a hint of a smile. His firm grip caused excited flutters in your
“It’s a pleasure [y/n]. I’m afraid I must take my leave. I am certain faith will make our paths cross once more in the near future” the taller Asian male said, his accent noticeable and soothing.
Before you could interject, the unnamed male took his leave. You felt a little foolish for not getting the handsome Asians name and mentally scolded yourself.
‘What the heck [y/n]??! You didn’t even get his name, you fool!” you screamed in your head, your hands tangled in your hair in frustration.
With a sigh, you calmed yourself down and headed to your room, getting ready for tomorrows task.
Hanzo’s POV.
Hanzo left you outside with a feeling of minimal satisfaction. Earlier, the strike commander approached the archer to request a friendly sparring with another agent, you. Whilst slightly reluctant he still accepted the proposal given by Jack. Jack had mentioned you were easily climbing your way up the ranks with your combat and intellectual skills and Hanzo wanted to get a first-hand impression of the so-called ‘advanced trainee’.  
The Japanese male was meditating in his room, mentally preparing for tomorrow’s sparring when thoughts of you entered his once calm mind. After he saw you, his heart began hammering at an alarming rate, severely confusing the male. Emotions like these were never enticed before and this was an odd sensation he welcomed.
With a ‘tut’, a sly smirk began forming at the corners of his firm lips as he remembered what he had told you.
“Our paths will certainly cross more than once, my dear [y/n]” he said to himself, a humorless chuckle followed.
Time Skip
The day had arrived of the fated combat. Despite it being labeled as ‘friendly sparring against talented agents’ you took it much more personal. The strike commander himself was testing your abilities and if you won, you were promised an advancement in your ranks.
The passing of breakfast and an early morning run was quick and you left for the training room, where a number of trainees gathered along with Jack. As you opened the door, all eyes immediately shifter toward your approaching form. The golden commander looked back and greeted you.
“Morning agent, glad to see you didn’t chicken out” Morrison chuckled, his eyes glinting with anticipation for the days’ event.
“This is my only opportunity to prove myself, of course, I wouldn’t flee that easily” you say with a grin, excitement and adrenaline filling your veins.
A sly grin makes its appearance on his face as he commends you for your determined attitude.
“Now then, just to wait- never mind he’s here” Jack began before being interrupted by the door once more. Everyone including you turned toward the door to see your opponent.
In that instant, you felt your heart flip in a million different directions. The same attractive male from yesterday! A flaming blush began forming as you gaped at the sight of him.
“I-it’s… You!” you yelled accusingly as you pointed at the figure.
“Did I not tell you, our paths would cross sooner than you anticipated” He said, a hint of smugness noticeable in his words.
“Well, I sense some familiarity here, but let me give a proper introduction. [y/n], this is Hanzo Shimada, a respectable archer from the Shimada clan located in Hanamura, Japan. Hanzo, this is –“Before the commander could finish, Hanzo interjected.
“I am familiar with agent [y/n] [l/n], thank you” He said, a monotonous manner.
You rolled your eyes at his manner, despite his handsome looks, his smug demeanor seemed to irritate you.
“Let get this over with!” you say, a little too loud for your own liking. Both Hanzo and Jack looked at you.
A smile formed on the commander’s lips as he clapped to get everyone’s attention.
“Ya heard the girl, get to positions!” with an authoritative voice, everyone moved aside and let you and Hanzo in the middle of the room.
Your intent gaze met the dark pairs of Hanzo’s soulful eyes.
“I will not take it easy on you, dear [y/n]” Hanzo spoke to you, a slight smile visible.
“I wouldn’t wish for it” you smirk and stand in position.
Jack stood between you two, to commence the fight.
“Ready? Start!” with that, you launched yourself at the male.
You began with a solid punch toward his handsome face. In a swift manner, his hand countered your punch. Then in a split second, you retrieve your hand and move out the way for his oncoming blow. You missed his leg trying to swipe under you and fell with a thud. With a groan look up and see Hanzo’s fist coming to strike you for which you fluidly grab it and pull him close enough to head-but the smug male. You took advantage of his dazed state, as you grabbed his arm and attempted to twist it behind his back. It was as if he snapped back to reality and foresaw your endeavor. Hanzo lifted his leg and with full force drove it in your gut. You staggered back, coughing in the process. Before you knew it, you were being held down by the more experienced Japanese male. You struggled against his hold but that only prompted him to further drive to dig you into the ground with his weight and grasp tightening on your arm.
“That’s enough Hanzo” upon hearing that, Hanzo promptly got off you. You got up, refusing his outstretched arm and glared at him.
You stood aback from Hanzo and watched with fire in your eyes. How could you let him win?!
“It was a fair fight but seemed like Hanzo had the upper hand” Jack concluded.
Hanzo watched your glare with apologetic eyes. He felt a tinge of regret and frustration, he must’ve hurt you in the process he thought. But, he couldn’t help but admire the way you held your form in battle. With such grace and force, you were an ideal partner for both sparrings and on the battlefield. A warmth had spread through his being as he watched you squirm beneath him, filling his mind with indecent thoughts.
“Looks like you’ve got a bit to work on there agent [y/n]” Jack said before telling the other trainees to go for their next session. Jack left with the others, leaving you alone with Hanzo.
“I apologize if I have caused you any discomfort [y/n]” He said sincerely, with no trace of mocking.
You scoffed and walked away.
“You’re obviously a much better fighter than me, there’s no need for such familiarity” you spoke coldly.
“But [y/n], I wish to indulge in a mutual friendship with you, if you would allow” He pleaded for you to give him a chance. 
You were being slightly unreasonably cold to the male for winning against you, yet this was the only obstacle in your way of further advancing in the next ranks. However, it was an order from the commander for which he could not disobey, nor would you have been satisfied if he was to purposely lose against you. It was a rather uncomfortable predicament you’ve landed into.
“I wish to be nothing more than opponents, agent Shimada. So… please don’t try to incite something more” you softly trailed away, feeling disappointed in yourself and looking toward the ground for some form of comfort.
You waited a moment, hoping for him to try and stop you again. The air was filled with a tense silence. You sighed and left the room with more on your mind than disappointment and frustration.
Hanzo stood there and watched your retrieving form disappear through the doors. He had noticed the change in your demeanor yet he kept it to himself. He saw the feeling of dismay took over you as your head hung low and your feet lightly dragging on the ground as you left. Hanzo clutched his chest as it felt like his heart dropped at that moment. He cursed himself for doing this, though he was not given a choice.
‘This cannot go on. I must make amends with [y/n], perhaps then will I feel at ease’
He needed you to acknowledge his regret and these mysterious build-ups of emotions he had not experienced before. He wished to experience them with you and you only. Hanzo pledged to himself gain your trust and perhaps something more along the way. 
.
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yanjunmyworld · 6 years
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When This Story Ends
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Pairing: Yanjun x OC
Gif: linyanjun8
Genre: fluff, supernatural
A/N: i was inspired after watching the 2018 little mermaid movie. Its such a good new take on the story if you havent seen it you should check it out! I hope you like this story! Dont forget to leave some feedback ^^.
The bustling crowds paraded through the old market of Tianzifang, looking for whatever unique presents they could take home to their lovers and families. Little did anyone know that down one of the alleyways laid hidden the famous Iqyi dance studio. Famous for its rigourous training and producing only the most dedicated of dancers. The class consisted oh 9 boys and 2 girls; which is where we find our lead male.
The harsh beats pounded through the speakers, as the young taiwanese boy practiced last weeks choreography. Yanjun always made sure to arrive atleast 20 minutes early to recap every piece they learnt. He worked hard to get into this academy and wasn't going to waste a single second of it. He always knew he wanted to perform and share his passion with the world. To hopefully inspire others to follow their dreams like him someday and this was going to be his first stepping stone. Despite this being the main reason for his early arrival, there was another situation which also made his early practices seem the best possible solution. Y/N was the only other person to always be early to class. She was the object of his desires. He loved to watch as her body so effortlessly and gracefully balanced out the moves she was performing. How she would get the cutest of smiles whilst dancing, revealing her two faint hidden dimples. Y/N and yanjun had always had a good chemistry together. They were always eachothers partners and constantly flirting with bad pick up lines. So much so, that the others always tried to set up ways to make them kiss or something to move their relationship along. However for the past 6 months no matter how much they flirted, she would always denie his request for a date and have a different excuse prepared. This frustrated the young male. He has always been a smooth talker and never void of a womans attention but no one compared to her. She was his perfect match and he would do anything to try and make her see just how much he cared for her.
One day, another class mate Zhengting suggested he follow the girl after class to see where she goes. That way he wouldn't have to listen to Yanjuns conspiracy theories anymore. So thats exactly what he did. He followed her to Shanghai rail station onto the express train for Jinshan. He stood in the carriage next to hers leaving just enough space for him to see her and still be hidden. To conceal his identity even more he put on a black snap back and face mask. As he adjusted the brace straps and smoothed down his white shirt. He watched as she smiled looking down at her phone, her bright sparkling doe eyes lighting up as she tries to follow along to the choreography shes watching. Cute he thinks. He recalled her mentioning something about living in Jinshan, when it dawned on him that she was most likely going home. Great. Now I'm gonna look like those weird creepy stalkers thanks to Zhengting. if she catches me, I'm done for. He thought.
50 minutes later they arrived at the small seaside town. Various market stalls lined up against the seashore, selling a variety of meat and fish as well as grills to cook them on. The town wasn't particularly busy, most likely due to the autumn weather settling in.
He followed her down the sandy beach as she gazed at the rippling turquoise water. Her lighting up,exactlt the same as when she was dancing. As he followed her, he noticed them arriving at a smaller more secluded part of the beach, with a small alcove to the side. He watched as she dug up a small seashell box and placed her phone, money and travel card inside; before re-burying it. What a strange thing to do. He thought. However things kept getting stranger. He noticed the female starting to strip off her clothes which brought a light pink blush to his face. No matter how much his brain was telling him to look, he adverted his eyes out of the respect he had for her. It was only once he heard a splash that he looked back to find her gone. He couldnt even see any ripples in the water. How could she just dissappear. That's when his thoughts kicked into overdrive. His first instinct was that she was drowning and so he quickly stripped off and rushed into the water to look for her. Once again finding no sign of life anywhere. That was until he heard a faint melodical voice and a light splashing. He started to walk as quietly as he could further into the ocean not caring that the water was now up to his hips.
Thats when he saw it. A aquamarine tail gently bobbing up and down against the current; as a young girl perched her elbows up on a rock. The more he stared the more he knew he recgonised that small face and bright brown eyes all too well. It was Y/N but with a tail. The young taiwanese male rubbed his eyes causing them to sting slightly from the sea water to make sure he wasnt seeing things. His mind couldn't comprehend what he was seeing to be true. Mermaids aren't real. He thought. He watched as she sorrowfully sang to herself as if the whole weight of the world was on her shoulders. Which was a 180 degree change from the happy go lucky gurl he knew.
"It's so enchanting,I'm trapped and drowning here for everyone to see.
They didn't notice.
How far away i am from everyone and everything.
Silly to have gambled with my heart out on the line
I guess thats just the way it goes. But I'm holding on
I know a day will come when i can be myself again.
And i hope someone will love me.
When this story ends."
Without thinking Yanjun rushed forward screaming out.
"Y/N"
He body jumped fro. the startle of his voice and as her eyes locked with his, they opened wide before she quickly dive into the ocean and swam away.
Since that day y/n had stopped comming to class. Naturally all the boys teased him saying he scared her off with his stalker antics. Which was sort of true but if only they knew. After a full week of absences Yanjun couldn't take it anymore. Everyday his head ran with thoughts and theories and how much he missed her; how he needed answers and he needed them now. Otherwise he would believe he really had gone insane. He decided from that point to go to the beach every single day in hopes of catching her once again. Atlas every day ended up in failure. On the 7th day, just as Yanjun was about to go home, he had the strongest urge to stay until nightfall. So he waited aimlessly staring at the ocean hoping for even a glimpse of her.
Finally he saw a glint of her aquamarine tail again. He made his way out into the ocean to see her perched up on the same rock as before. He stealthily made his way around another rock so he was close enough but still hidden in order to not scare her again.
"Y/N! please don't run away, i just want to talk... I'll even stay hidden so you don't have to see me." He pleaded.
"You do realise i know you have been there the whole time right." She sighed.
"What! I thought i was being an ultimate ninja."
He peered his face out from behind the rock only to discover no sight of her again. That was until he felt a splash of water trickling down his back, followed by a faint giggle.
"No,this is called being a ninja."
How he had missed her laughter. He turned around to look at her and studied every detail. How her long black wet hair shone under the moonlight. How she flashed the soft dimple smile towards him, earning his dimpled smile in return.
"I missed you y/n. Why don't you come to class anymore? Why did you run away? How are you a mermaid? I mean not that your not a hot mermaid but i always thought they were fairytales." He rambled on.
"Slow down Yanjun. I suppose i should answer every question, seeing as you havent left this entire week."
"You knew?"
"Yep"
"So you was just torturing me!" He laughed.
"Yes and no... I...I was scared"
Her voice trailed off as she sat herself uppn the rock bobbing her tail up and down and gestured for Yanjun to sit beside her. So he wouldn't catch a cold.
"I haven't been comming because i was scared what you thought of me. Scared that you had told everyone and that they would outcast me... i haven't exactly had the best luck with humans who found out."
"You don't know how insane I've been going without you! I even have to partner up with Justin and you know how unfocused he is!!! If i told people, they would assume I'm crazy." He laughed
"You might just be crazy Junnie."
She laughed poking his cheek. Yanjun then wrapoed his arms around her and pulled her down into his chest; gently stroking her damp hair and placing a soft kiss upon her head. Resulting in a small pink blush appearing on her cheeks.
"I would never hurt you y/n... you're too important to me."
"Don't you find this weird or disgusting?" She pointed to her tail.
"Nothing about you could ever be disgusting." He smiled.
She the wrapped her own arms around his waist, smiling as she listened to the soft beating of his heart. This was a new experiance for y/n and she was loving every bit of it.
"Tell me everything y/n...please." He pouted as he continued stroking her hair.
"Well...I've always been a mermaid. But one day i saw a group called Nex7 performing on the beach and i was so captivated by their dance style. I had always wanted to dance. The way human bodies could move like that on two legs was beautiful to me. Especially when i could see couples dancing together. There were so many wonders to the human realm that i wanted to be like you people... we have a legend in our species. That a mermaid princess made a deal to become a human for the sake of her love and if she failed she would return to being a mermaid forever. No one knows the ending of the story, so i went to our king and begged for my own chance. The king hates humans...but he's not heartless so we made a deal."
"What kind of deal?"
Yanjun's voice was very concerned by this point. What had she gotten herself into. Was it dangerous? Was the king actually evil? Is he gonna have to run a boat through somebody like in the disney movie? The possabilities were endless.
"I have 1 year... to pursue my dreams of dancing and finding love but i can only be on land for 4 hours before turning back... should I fail or fall for someone who is not my true love... i will be forced to remain a mermaid forever and never have the chance to become human again..." Her voice trailed off.
"So that's why you can't go on a date with me."
"It's not that i don't want too... but i physically can't."
"How long has it been?"
"11 months... my time is running out"
she sighed before diving into the ocean again, letting the salty water cover up her tears again befire resurfacing.
"How do you know if its true love or not if you dont try y/n."
Yanjuns deep brown eyes gazed into her own with such a pleading look, that she couldn't help but feel sadder. She liked Yanjun she really did, but if he wasn't her true love she couldn't take that risk.
"I dont know... one time a seer told me that we will have a instant connection and he has the blood of the ocean within him."
"Just give me a chance, I've been flirting with you long enough" he laughed. "I promise i won't kiss you or anything and i will come to the beach every day so we can date like this."
He smiled jumping off the rock and taking a hold of her hands.
"One chance y/n. Thats all I'm asking for."
She thought about it hard as she observed the young male. How his height towered over her but wasn't intimidating. That soft look he had in his eyes,whenever he looked at her and how they would sparkle when he was dancing. The way his dimples revealed themselves to her and how esoecially breath taking he was at the moment. With his short black hair a watery mess and small water droplets trickling down his abs. Her time would soon run out and she had to make a choice.
"Well even if you aren't my true love,with such little time it looks like im gonna be a mermaid anyway... so I will give you the chance Lin Yanjun." She smiled.
A small grin appeared on his face as he pulled her into his chest again. The heat between them made the cold nights ocean feel like a pin prick. He kept the promise of comming everyday with her after class so they could have their dates. No matter how many times Yanjun wanted them to skip classes so they could go on a real date, Y/n always denied him. She knew his passion for dancing was just as strong as her own and she couldn't let him waste his time on her. Especially if time did run out she knew her dreams would carry on through him.
They'd have picnics at the beach that Yanjun would spend hours preparing, thanks to Zhangjing teaching him how to cook. They'd slow dance on the sand and she would show him all her favourite spots and hiding places so he could always find her. Yanjun always wanted to steal kisses from her but it took all his energy to stop himself out of respect for their promise. The more time he spent with her the more he fell. The way she would sing him a different song every night. How she would gift him rare seashells or other treasures she'd stumble upon. He marked down every single date so he could remember what they had done and how long they had left. But as time went on he found himself not caring if she stayed a mermaid,he would find a way for them to be together.
Before they knew it,it was their last day together. Luckily it fell on the day of the annual beach festival. Various attractions and market stalls were set up on the beach and he finally convinced y/n to sacrifice their dance class so they could spend their last day properly. They walked up amd down the different stalls, y/n getting more excited each time as she had always wanted to attend one of these events. Yanjun made sure to buy never ending supplies of ice cream and candy floss as they ran up and down the beach playing. Dancing along to the smooth beats of the music playing. Y/n had always wanted to ride a ferris wheel and luckily enough one was there lit up by the multicoloured lights against the night sky.
As they headed towards the que,Yanjun noticed a fortune teller gesturing to him. He sent y/n ahead using the excuse that he needed the bathroom before heading towards the young male. The mysterious man was dressed head to toe in a red and black theme with his short black hair slicked back. He had a innocent smile upon his face as he gestured for Yanjun to sit down.
"I got a strong urge when i saw you to read your future."
"And you are?"
"I'm the great Fan Chengcheng. 100% accuracy, never failed." He giggled. "Now give me your hand."
"Why?"
"So i can read your palm idiot. The cosmic spirits are urging me to do it and if i dont they will never shut up."
Reluctantly Yanjun gave him his hand and the young male started to study it.
"You're a very interesting person, i see great fortune in your future... but theres something unique about your blood and the spirit inside you."
"Go on."
Yanjun made his way quickly back to the queue to discover y/n nearly at the front. She hit him gently for taking his time.
"If you were gonna poop,you could of said. Everyone kept looking at me pitifully like i was a loner."she pouted
"I wasn't! I got distracted by a seller and just about escaped! As long as no one hit on you that's all that matters."
Time passed quickly and they were already at the top of the ferris wheel. Y/N was fascinated by the view and how small the town appeared from the height. Her attention was so distracted it was like Yanjun wasn't even there. So he got up and sat himself next to her, pulling her into his chest again.
"Yanjun!!! I wanna see!"
"Let's just stay like this a bit...please."
Y/n smiled and wrapped her arms around his waist listening to his heart beat again.
"I'm going to miss hearing this..." she sighed.
"This heart only beats for you,so without you it's non existant."
"Yanjun..."
"Even if i have to become a merman or something, I'll never leave you and I'll never love another person."
"You cant do that for me.... your hopes and dreams are worth so much more than this fantasy of us and you deserve so much love."
"I would give up my world for you y/n. I love you"
"I...i love you too Yanjun"
He took ahold of her hand and rushed them over to her spot as time was quickly running out. As she jumped into the ocean turning back into a mermaid, he glanced down at his watch. 2 minutes left.
" Yanjun... thank you for everything." She struggled to hold back the tears. "You are truly the most beautiful human I've ever met inside and out. my world has changed for the better because of you. I never thought i could find love, after the way the men in this world treated me. But i realise now, I love nothing more in my life than you."
"I told you from the day we met, that you were my angel that fell from heaven. I meant every word. I love you and only you. I will mever love anyone ever again. I will find a way for us y/n. So never forget me."
"I could never forget you Lin Yanjun."
Just as the last couple of seconds to midnight passed away, she pulled his neck down and placed her soft pink lips against his. Yanjun gently biting her bottom lip begging for for entrance as their tongues greeted eachother passionately and then she was gone.
"DAD WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE WAS GONE!" WHAT SORT OF STORY IS THIS? SEE THIS IS WHY I SAID I DON'T BELIEVE IN MERMAIDS." the eldest boy yelled.
"I haven't finished the story yet son." He laughed.
"I believe daddy!" The youngest smiled gripping her teddy bear tight.
"Do you want to know what the fortune teller told him that day?."
"YES" they both screamed."
“He said you have the blood and spirit of a mermaid inside of you.”
Both kids looked at each other with eyes and mouths wide open.
“THAT MEANS!”
“That means it’s time for bed.” 
A young woman walked into the room, her white dress flowing as she walked towards the two young kids and tucked them both into their beds, placing a soft kiss upon their heads.
“Mum, we want to know the end of the story!” The eldest whined.
“You’ll find out the rest, when this story ends.” 
She sang slightly before giggling and turning on the night light for the children. The young man turned off the lights as he took a hold of his wife’s hand and walked out of their kids room closing the door.
“Yanjun we promised we wouldn’t tell them until they are older!”
“What’s the harm in them thinking it’s a fairytale for now. A beautiful romantic fairytale. It did me no harm!” he stuck out his tongue at her.
“That reminds me. You never told me Cheng Cheng said you have mermaid blood within you. Or that you met that sly Fan Cheng Cheng at all!” 
She crossed her arms over her chest, looking towards him dissapprovingly.
“If I had told you, then our last moment wouldn’t of been as romantic...plus how was i meant to know he was the seer you met in the ocean, he was human!”
He laughed as he placed a kiss upon her lips.
“You ass! I really thought I was going to lose you then and you knew all along. Do you know how much courage it took for me to kiss you!”
“Not as much courage is needed now though.”
He winked and smiled picking her up bridal style carrying her to the bed in their bedroom and placing her gently down upon it. before placing another kiss on her forehead.
“Who would of known my grandfathers stories about a mermaid and a human were true all along.” He laughed
A/N I hope you liked it. The song she sings comes from the sound track of the little mermaid 2018 movie and is called when this story ends! Which is where i got the name of this fic from too haha.  In regards to fated blood i’m taking a short break from it until i can work out properly where things are going with that, but i will have many more smaller fics in between that time.
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winterbaby89 · 7 years
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As Destiny Has Its Eyes On You Chapter 8/?
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All the thanks to @artistic-writer for making this lovely pic.
Summary:
Princess Emma Swan of Misthaven has been prophesied as the Savior since before her birth. Now with the help of a Lieutenant from her past she is going to take her destiny into her own hands, to defeat the Evil Queen.
A/N:
This story is inspired by ’Destiny has its eyes on you’ by the lovely @seriouslyhooked (EmilyBea on FF). With the overwhelming support and love from EmilyBea and @ilovemesomekillianjones (who has graciously agreed to be my beta on this entire project, she can also be found on: AO3, and FF), I am presenting this to the public.
This story is rated ‘M’. I hope you enjoy, and if you haven’t read the works from these lovely ladies, I highly recommend you do so. Chapters 1-4 are based on chapters 1&2 of ‘Destiny Has Its Eyes on You’
AO3  FF.net  Prologue/Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3  Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7
Chapter 8
About a week after the attack Emma is lounging on one of the barrels near the helm.
“Killian?”
“Yes my love?”
“What is the date?”
“What?”
“What’s the date? I know it’s November, but I’m not sure the day.”
“I do believe it’s the thirteenth, why?”
Emma’s eyes widen, without a word she gets up and heads to the stairs leading to their cabin.
“Emma, is everything okay?” When she continues below deck without answering, Killian has Smee take over and follows her to their quarters. Walking into the cabin he sees she’s pacing and chewing on her bottom lip. “Love, is there significance to the thirteenth?”
She startles at his question. “What? No! Why?”
“When I told you the date you got quiet and pale, then proceeded to run to our cabin where you are currently pacing. What’s wrong? You know you can talk to me.”
“It’s not the thirteenth that’s significant, other than being this far. You’re sure it’s the thirteenth, not say the fifth by chance?”
“Yes love, I double checked my chart, why? What is so wrong with it being the thirteenth? What’s so important about the fifth?”
She takes a couple shuddering breaths before sitting down on the bed. “Killian, you love me right? No matter what?”
Now he’s even more concerned for Emma, still not quite grasping what’s going on. He sits next to her, and taking her hands in his, he looks straight into those beautiful, but worried emerald eyes of hers before he speaks. “No matter what, good or bad, always and forever, I love you, Emma. Now what is going on? I’m worried about you.”
“The date of import is the sixth, it’s the day I always start my… you know... my monthly.”
He notices that Emma is blushing furiously as she speaks. Oh! Killian is stunned by this revelation, and Emma continues on before he has a chance to respond.
“Which I’m sure, due to our more enjoyable daily activities, you’ve noticed I haven’t had my monthly since being with you.” She lets that hang in the air between them for just a moment before continuing. “Killian, I think I know what’s wrong with me. The fact that I’m no longer intact makes it possible. It’s a full week after the sixth, I’m still getting sick almost a week after the attack, no one else is sick but me.” She finally looks him in the eye, still holding his hands. “I’m fairly certain…” Emma pauses a moment to gather her courage before finally revealing her life altering realization. “I’m certain I’m with child.” The tears that have been pooling in her eyes spill over, afraid of his reaction, terrified he’s going to push her away, even though rationally she knows he loves her, and would never do that to her. Damn hormones.
“Emma, you’re certain?” She’s too choked up to answer so she just nods. “Don’t cry, my love. I know this wasn’t something we had planned for, or even thought to take steps against for that matter. Nor is it something we had thought to talk about yet, but I think we’ll make damn fine parents.” He smiles brightly before wrapping her in a hug, kissing her senseless. When they break apart for air, he looks her straight in the eye. “Marry me? I’ve wanted you to be mine since the day we met. I would follow you to the end of the world, or time, and I will do everything in my power to make you happy. My life without you was hollow and dark, and now that you’ve come back into my life it feels like I’m seeing the sun for the first time in years. I will love you and our child with every fiber of my being.” He pauses for a moment so he can get down on one knee, then taking her hands in his he asks her again, “So, what do you say love? Will you marry me?”
Emma is stunned into silence, this is not the reaction she was expecting from him, though she really should have. When she notices the tips of his ears are pink from embarrassment and his smile starts to fade, she’s able to find her voice again. Emma gets down on her knees with Killian, and gathers him up in the strongest hug she can muster. “I would love to be your wife, Killian! I’ve dreamt of it for years, but the crew thinks we’re already married.”
“We can do a small ceremony for now, just you and me, under the stars, and do a larger, grander affair later if you want one. Maybe with your family there…” Killian helps Emma stand back up while they’re still entangled in their embrace, and he perches them back on the edge of their bed.
Her smile falters a little at the thought of her family, but she responds nonetheless, “That sounds perfect. When?”
“Tonight, if you’re feeling well enough for it.”
“Tonight then.”
With a quick kiss he gets up and walks over to his hidden floor safe, opening it up, he pulls out the simple jewelry box he keeps in there. He is looking for something that he has held on to, hoping for just such an occasion. His mother’s ring. It’s a beautiful silver band woven to resemble interlocked vines with a gorgeous two carat stone the same shade of blue as his eyes, the eyes his mother passed on to him and Liam. Sitting next to his mother’s ring is Liam’s ring, the last piece he has of his brother. He has never been able to bring himself to wear it, now it seems meant for this moment. It’s a large silver ring with a rather large emerald set flush in the band, the stone matching Emma’s eyes perfectly. How fitting. The stone in my ring will remind me of Emma’s eyes every time I look at it, and the stone in Emma’s will remind her of my eyes. … Hopefully. Killian takes out the two rings, then places the jewelry box back in the safe and closes it back up before walking over to Emma, who’s still sitting on the bed.
“So what do you think my love? Will they work?” He hands her the two rings to look at.
“They’re perfect. I can tell they’re well loved, who did they belong to?”
“Yours was my mother’s ring, passed to Liam when she died, then to me when he died. Mine… used to be Liam’s, I got it when he died.”
“Oh Killian, I’m sorry. If it’s too painful you don’t have to wear it.”
“I actually think he would like me wearing it like this, I know he would approve. He always liked you.”
“So, we’re really going to do this?”
“Only if you want to Emma, I’ve said before, I want you to be happy, and I will do anything in my power to ensure it. Do not mistake my words though, it would make me the happiest man alive to call myself your husband, and you my wife. But I’ve no wish to hurt you, or sully your reputation-”
Emma quickly cuts him off. “NO! I do want this; I think I always have. Granted this isn’t how I imagined it coming about, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you, or the fact that I want to be your wife. I want to be able to claim you as mine, and mine alone, as much as I am already yours and only ever was yours.”
◊◊◊
Much Later That Night
Killian and Smee are the only people on deck, having dismissed the night crew from their watch a few hours early, which Smee will finish for them after the ceremony is completed. Smee is to act as their witness and officiant even though technically the Captain is the one with the power to perform marriages. Killian’s nerves and excitement are rearing their head in the form of him pacing.
“Sir if I may. If you keep pacing you’re liable to walk through the deck.” Killian just gives him an unamused look. “I must admit sir, I never thought this day would come. I am glad though. She makes you happy. We are all happy for you, both of you.”
“Thank you Mr. Smee. All it took was finding the right woman, and she is the right woman. There is no one her equal, she exceeds every standard. She is the standard. Now we just have to hope the in-laws take the news well. But you and the crew should not expect any change in your Captain, just because I have found my Emma again.”
“Never sir, we would never try to take advantage like that.”
“I know you wouldn’t Smee, but Murdoch and Walsh definitely did…”
“Have you decided what to do about them yet?”
“I… no punishment I come up with feels like it fits their crime.”
“I’m sure you will come up with something sir, and they will be more than deserving of it. Is the Princess feeling better after that traumatic situation?”
“She seems to have put it past her completely.”
“I am very glad to hear it, sir.”
◊◊◊
Emma is putting on one of the two dresses she thought to bring, it’s her first time wearing a dress since her birthday. She’s thankful she thought to grab this dress and bring it with her, it’s perfect for tonight, she thinks. It’s a beautiful silvery grey, silk off-the-shoulder dress, form fitting, hugging her curves in all the right places, hinting at just the right amount of cleavage, while still being comfortable. Killian won’t know what hit him. Emma smiles thinking about Killian, and what tonight means for both of them. The three of us, she thinks happily. Wondering how long it will be before she starts showing, she rests both hands on her still flat belly, and takes a deep breath, “Well, I guess it’s time.”
She smiles as she exits the cabin to head for the stairs and her future. Both men turn hearing her approach, they’re stunned when they catch sight of her as she ascends the stairs up onto the deck. Killian strides over to escort her across the last expanse behind the helm where they’ll become husband and wife.
“You look radiant my love.”
Emma blushes as Killian presses a gentle kiss to her palm. “Thank you, you don’t look so bad yourself.”
“Captain. Princess. Shall we?”
Killian quickly looks at Emma before answering. “Yes Mr. Smee, please.”
Smee just nods his head, beaming at his Captain and his beloved. “We are here on this beautiful, starry, early morning, aboard this magnificent ship to join these two souls as husband and wife, until the end of time. Captain, you may proceed with your declarations.”
“Emma, my love my words are failing me now that we are finally here. Darling, I’m beyond grateful. I’m honored that you love me and have chosen that from this day forward we will walk through life as partners. As husband and wife. I promise to do everything in my power to make sure you know that you are loved and cherished. I will move heaven above and earth below to ensure that you are happy and never want for anything. I love you. And from this day forward know that I am yours body, heart, and soul.” Once he finishes speaking he reaches up with his thumb to brush away the tears rolling down her cheeks.
Smee clears his throat, sounding a little choked up with emotion. “Beautiful, Captain… now Princess, if you will.”
“Killian. My Killian, you were my first love, my only love, my true love. You had my heart from the moment we met, never once did I lose hope we would make it here. No one ever realized I was a girl who just wanted to be loved for being me, not for being the princess, but you did. I will never know how you saw the girl behind the princess, but you did, and I am grateful. Now that I have you back, I can’t imagine a life without you in it, and I’m glad that now I won’t ever have to. I love you. I will do my best to make you happy and ensure you feel my love, from this day forward I am yours body, heart, and soul.”
“Very touching, milady… now the rings. Captain, repeat after me please. With this ring, I, Killian Jones, pledge myself to you, body and soul, from now until the end of time.”  
As he slides his mother’s ring on Emma’s finger Killian repeats the sacred words. “With this ring, I, Killian Jones, pledge myself to you, body and soul, from now until the end of time.”
“Princess, please repeat after me. With this ring, I, Emma Swan, pledge myself to you, body and soul, from now until the end of time.”
She slides Liam’s ring onto Killian’s finger, trying not to cry. “With this ring, I, Emma Swan, pledge myself to you, body and soul, from now until the end of time.”
“With the exchange of rings and declarations of love, with the power provided to me by the Captain, I pronounce you husband and wife. Congratulations, Captain and Mistress Jones. You may kiss your bride, sir.”
Emma gives a watery chuckle as Killian sweeps her off her feet into an earth-shattering kiss filled with every ounce of their love. After a few moments Killian reluctantly breaks the kiss with his wife. Emma’s my wife, Gods above I love this woman, Killian thinks in awed disbelief.
“Thank you Mr. Smee, I think we shall retire for the morning. Be sure to get some rest when the morning watch comes to relieve you. Are we still on schedule to make Oldstown tomorrow afternoon?”
“It was entirely my pleasure, I am truly happy for the both of you. And, yes Captain, we are still on schedule. Should I expect to be in charge of the ship up until we dock, sir?”
“You know Smee, I would say that is a very good idea. But if there is something that needs my attention, know that you can come get me.”
“I will, sir. Again, many congratulations Captain, Mistress Jones. Enjoy your day and a half until we make port.”
“Thank you Mr. Smee, the Captain and I both appreciate your help in taking this special step that we’ve both been waiting for. And I appreciate everything you do for the ship, the crew, and my husband. I hope you have a pleasant rest of the morning.” She walks up hugging him, surprising him, before returning to Killian’s side.
“Good day Mr. Smee.”
“Good day Captain. Mistress.”
“Shall we? Mistress Jones.”
Emma’s heart stutters with happiness. Mistress Jones… we’re married. Finally, he is mine as much as I am his. And to think a month ago I was worried he wouldn’t remember me.
“We shall, Captain Jones.”
Gods above how did I get so lucky? Is this another dream? I will never take Emma’s love for granted… she and our children will never doubt my devotion.
Arriving at the doors to the Captain’s cabin, Killian lifts Emma to carry her across the threshold of their cabin, kissing her thoroughly in the process.
“Killian, you don’t have to carry me, I’m not far enough along that I can’t walk.”
“Love, it is tradition that the husband carry his wife across the threshold of their marriage suite. You don’t want to invite bad luck now do you?”
She playfully swats him in the chest, shaking her head. “No. I guess we wouldn’t want that. Now are you ever going to put me down?”
“Never, love. Never. Now that I have you, I never intend to let you go. And as soon as we get to Oldstown we will seek out the doctor to make sure you are okay.” She starts to interrupt him, but he just raises a hand to stop her, allowing her legs to settle on the floor while keeping his other arm wrapped around her back. “No. You will not fight me on this love, we will have you looked at by the doctor to make sure there are no surprises. After we leave Oldstown it’s still another week, good wind and weather permitting, before we make it to Arendelle. I will not take any chances with your health and life, nor the health and life of our child.” His tone brooks no arguments.
“Killian. Even though we are now married, and even with me being in my condition, neither one negates the fact that I still have to face the Evil Queen.”
“That may be Emma, but we will not take any unnecessary chances and risk you or the baby. I will not try to keep you from your destiny of taking on the Evil Queen, but we will do this the smart way, which does not include charging off half-cocked.”
“Aye-Aye, Captain,” she says. Emma knows he is just concerned for her, but if he insists on orders then she will answer accordingly.
“Now, now, darling, I am not trying to upset you, nor do I wish to control you. Perhaps I need to work on the words I choose?”
“Perhaps,” is her only reply.
“When we arrive in Oldstown I would like to seek out the doctor so he can make sure you and the baby are well. We still have a ways to go before Arendelle, and I think it is better to have you both checked now. Would you agree?”
“That’s better, pirate.” She smiles at him to let him know she does appreciate the sentiment.
“Aye, I thought so,” he replies cheekily, “now let’s get you off to bed, it has been far too long since I have ravished you.” A shiver of anticipation runs up her spine at his words. “I like the dress darling, it’s very becoming on you.”
“I thought you might like it.”
“I think I might like it better on the floor.”
Killian made good on his promise of ravishing her, well past dawn, and every moment they weren’t sleeping until Oldstown came into sight.
◊◊◊
A/N : If anyone is curious, Oldstown is the Southernmost town within the borders of Arendelle. Also, fun fact, I've had this chapter written and queued up since February, and I think the similarities between mine and the shows proposal is adorably funny.
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All the thanks to @hollyethecurious for making this lovely aesthetic/collage.
Chapter Nine
Tagging some lovelies to enjoy: @ilovemesomekillianjones, @seriouslyhooked, @jennjenn615, @flslp87, @laschatzi, @ultraluckycatnd, @kmomof4, @xhookswenchx
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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years
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dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 
kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 
okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships
lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 
ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 
lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 
okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 
(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 
kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 
anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 
internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 
the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)
okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.
ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.
wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 
but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 
side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 
anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.
so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 
kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 
basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 
anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 
anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 
mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 
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