#and they r questioning it as much as i am

[yelenasdiary]

hi!!

with this new yelena content, i have a "sort of" request??

i mean, i have like a phrase that buzzes in my head, a phrase that if it were said to Yelena the entire fandom would break down in pain.

so, the quote is this: "i want to be able to worry about you"

it is possible, even in the future, to have a fanfiction or even a short one shot with yelena x r, and r says this to Yelena?

the context of why that phrase is said I would leave up to you to decide :)

(or maybe all this only makes sense in my head, idk lol)

Drunken Sober Thoughts

Pairing: Yelena Belova x GN! Reader.

Summary: When Kate's birthday party comes to an end, you and Yelena find yourselves alone.

Angst, Fluff.

Warnings: Mentions of drinking, Mentions of death, Reader has dark thoughts. This is not proof read or corrected | 0.8K

AC: I loved this idea, I hope you enjoy it! x

Red and blue plastic cups littered the rooftop of Kate's studio apartment, the young Avenger had just celebrated her 24th birthday and threw a little party with her closest friends. Kate has been one of your closest friends since you recruited her to the team, and although you were a few years older than her, you've seen her more as a little sister than anything else. 

She introduced you to Yelena shortly after she had joined the new Avengers team, you already had some kind of background on Yelena from Clint but the two of you seemed to grow close quickly. 

"What's going on inside of the big, smart brain of yours?" Yelena's accent brought your thoughts back to reality as she took a seat down next to you, the two of you now looking over the city of New York. You took a sip of your drink and smiled softly, "nothing new" you replied. 

Your comment made Yelena frown, "come on, you talk to me" she said, placing her red cup beside her. "You've been a little distant recently and I know you don't like to worry Kate but she's worried too" the blonde added. You couldn't help but sigh to yourself. "You don't have to worry about me, nor does Kate" you replied before taking another sip of your drink.

There was a moment of silence between the two of you before Yelena spoke again, "you know, you remind a lot of Natasha sometimes" she said, looking over at you. 

"Natasha was a very smart and respected woman" you replied, looking back at her. 

"Yes, but she too was closed off. Although I only got to spend a little time with her, she was happy. You gave her a family when she needed one and now your family has retired but you haven't?" Yelena questioned, "why not?" she added. 

You shrugged, "I guess, outside of being an Avenger, I have nothing. An empty home, nothing to keep my mind from replaying everything that ever happened in my life plus, Kate keeps me busy" 

"You're hiding" Yelena said, taking a sip of her drink once more.

"Hiding?" You questioned with a frown. Yelena nodded, "you're using this new Avengers team as an excuse to let yourself be happy" 

You couldn't help but let out a small chuckle, "trust me, I am not someone that somebody wants to come home to every night" 

"I do" Yelena said softly. 

You looked over at Yelena to find her already looking you in the eyes. The look in her eyes told you everything, a simple look and you knew what she was about to say. "Yelena" you started.

"I know, I know what you're going to say and you can try to tell me just how much you don't think you're worth it but I want to be able to worry about you, I want to be able to come home to you, I want to see the world with you, to take you out for dates and do all those little things that love so much. 

I don't want to waste what is the rest of my life letting my past control what I do and how I feel, I've had feelings for you since that day you came to Nat's tombstone on her birthday. You left her favorite flowers you didn't leave the site until you knew I was okay. We had only met twice, and you had it in your heart to be there so a stranger. I think about that day a lot" she explained. 

Your mind went back to that day, Yelena sat with Nat for hours. You didn't mind waiting and making sure she would be okay, after all, you promised Nat that you would be there for her whenever she needed, and something told you that day that Yelena needed somebody to watch over her. 

"You would've done the same" you replied. 

Yelena shook her head, "if I didn't know you, no I wouldn't" she replied honestly. 

"Yelena, you're probably just drunk, you don't mean any of this" you added, rising from your seat, "it's late, I should probably make sure Kate isn't chocking on her own vomit" you added. 

Before you knew it, Yelena had a grip on your wrist, not a hard grip but even to make you stop trying to walk away from her. She pulled you closer to her, never breaking her eye contact with you, "I can handle my vodka, but I can't bare another moment without you" she spoke softly before kissing you deeply. You dropped the plastic cup in your hand, letting it hit the ground and splashing your drink as you found yourself wrapping your arms around the back of her neck, deepening the kiss. 

You pulled away for air as a tear rolled down your cheek, Yelena smiling softly as she wiped it away with her thumb, "don't worry about Kate, she's been drinking punch for the last two hours" she said, making you chuckle. 

"You're not going to reject this in the morning, right?" You asked as worry filled your eyes. 

"Not in a million years" Yelena replied.

Taglist: @marvelfan98 | @boredandneedfanfics | @music-4ever | @marvelwomen-simp | @swaqcenix | @scarlettbitchx | @mallyka-blog | @itsalwaysskorpioszn | @caporal-nino | @natashamaximoff-69 | @evilcr0ne | @boredandneedfanfics | @teganmiller | @ihavezeroclue13 | @tobiaslut | @itsmelulu | @axolotllover225 |

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#yelenasdiary asks #anon #fanfiction #yelena belova #marvel #Yelena Belova x reader #natasha #Kate bishop

[drawlody]

It's time I contribute to the Adam nation with my interpetation of Sinner!Adam >:DDD

Going over some design choices here yes yes:

1 horn cause i saw some fics on ao3 where he would, in mad denial, ripped off it on his own n its just so cool??? like the self-rejection there? lovely 💗💗💗

Skirt also ao3 again ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ wanted to use a leather jacket but that aint working well with robes so here an alt:D I thought it would be hella funny to have the skirt be imagery of the exorcists causing mayhem, like fallen or not, the hatred for sinners n the pride of a general is still very much there (The excorcists r 1 big fucked up family n no nothing u said will convince me otherwise:))

Revoke wings privilege cause yes , i saw the hc of Adam hugging himself with his wings while in distress going around n yeah thats totally him alright. SooOooOooo what better ways to ensure misery than to take away his 2nd fav bodypart :))) I swear i love him

Angelic steel tail, so i have a certain scene i wanted to draw n for that to happen he need smth enough to fight ok?

Lamb characteristics, everyone know the whole ''sacrificial lamb'' deal we got going on with Adam so yeah it's that (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧ He got hooves but he will kill himself before letting others see them:D

I got the "underwear with his own name" thingy from *cough*rule34*cough* ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) dont question it

Charlie is like the least enjoyable to draw , idk why tho

Doing all this really get rid of my perfectionism cause the need to get these out fast is stronger:D (like this panel is 30m of work)

I am also digging this b&w colouring on a grey bg thingy

He's not "Daddy", he's "Grand-daddy x1000" ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

Never has my ref board got this messy omg i mean half of them r for the Overlord! design (coming soon give me a few days:))so yeah its a 2 in 1

I spent like 30m or smth coming up with the actual designs n several hours just to choose the palette (i really hate this stage(╬▔皿▔)╯)

Wait the Overlord! may take longer since im kinda make this into an AU maybe? So i'll need to come up with a Fallen!Excorcist design, peferably with bird traits . Ya can check this post for the initial ideas ✍(◔◡◔)ada

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel adam #sinner adam #charlie morningstar #vaggie hazbin hotel #angel dust #hazbin hotel husk #angel dust hazbin hotel #adam the first man #chaggie #who name this ship #its so tame compare to every other ship names in the fandom #character design #digital art #artists on tumblr #shitpost #adam hazbin hotel

[aihoshiino]

chapter 147 thoughts

you guys ever hear the tale of the monkey's paw. grants your wish but you suffer dire consequences as a result? just felt relevant to this chapter for some reason. anyway.

Chapters Since The 143 Kiss Happened And Went Completely Unacknowledged And Unaddressed Count: 4

I'm gonna be up front and say that while I really wanted to like this chapter and it has the bones of interesting ideas, so many of the existing issues with the Movie Arc just bring it crashing back down. I probably dislike it more than I necessarily should because knowing that this definitely is the end and seeing concretely in hindsight just how much time was wasted and how much excellent material has been squandered or flat out skipped over entirely just makes me want to put my head through a brick wall. And it just sucks because, like… man, I don't want to dislike Oshi no Ko! I really don't enjoy feeling like I'm just putting negativity out each chapter because when the story hits, it hits so fucking good!! The Movie Arc has been clunky but it's had some truly breathtaking individual moments and character beats that make me remember why I fell in love with the series so deeply but then chapters like this come along and I wonder why I'm even bothering to keep reading.

anyway. Anyway.

To my genuine shock and surprise, the RBHK conversation happens entirely onscreen and isn't needlessly dragged out which I will take as a W at this point. What is less of a W is how just… underwhelming this ended up being? This is Hikaru's first meeting (that we know of) with the child he fathered and then essentially orphaned… at least as far as Ruby is concerned. So her total lack of reaction to him is baffling. The question currently seems to be whether Ruby is only pretending not to recognize him in order to try and pry the answer she's looking for out of him or whether Akasaka really, genuinely wants me to believe that Ruby does not recognize her father, when Akane recognized him on sight, he looks identical to her twin brother she spent 18 years growing up with and she is in the middle of MAKING A MOVIE THAT STARS HIM. If the latter is the intent then all I can say is that I feel genuinely fucking insulted on Ruby's behalf at her being dumbed down this badly and for myself as a reader that Akasaka thinks I'm stupid enough to buy this. So I am very much hoping it's the former.

The talk they go onto have is also………………………….. man. I want to like it. I really want to pull it apart and analyze it because it is fascinating. It's a really important look into Ruby's feelings and I even myself said this was something I really wanted to see Ruby dealing with - being faced with the realization that the person who killed her mother isn't some ephemeral faceless force of uncomplicated evil, but a fucked up human being who was hurt and suffering and who faced horrific and monstrous abuse just like Ai did. The idea of Ruby wrestling with her conflicting feelings of empathy and resentment, similar to Kana trying to reconcile her lingering hurt with her love for Ruby as her friend, is super compelling.

But like… she didn't! Akasaka having Ruby look into the camera and having her say "uhhh i was totally having all these deep and complicated feelings this whole time trust me bro" is the first we have heard Ruby struggle with literally any of this. It's yet another example of what I've been saying this whole time of Akasaka both lacking enough respect for Ruby to seriously interrogate her as a character and rushing her to the endpoint of what should have been long term characterization in lieu of showing us the work it takes to get there. Rather than organically weaving any of this into the prior story and letting us actually see Ruby work through this, she just starts awkwardly monologing about it to a conveniently placed guy who is, depending on your interpretation of the chapter, either some rando with an umbrella or the guy she's pretty sure killed her mom.

There is no reason her struggling to reconcile these contrasting feelings of resentment and empathy couldn't have been explored as the movie was being filmed. There were countless opportunities for this to have come up while the movie was filming the scenes dealing with Hikaru's abuse - we even get this set up in 139 during the filming of their first meeting but it gets derailed by a dumb brocon joke because I guess that was more important to spend pagetime on than the arc Akasaka is trying to suddenly pretend Ruby was having.

And it's not like it even matters! Unless the next arc is also going to be about 15 Year Lie where we interrogate the content of the movie not shown to us, Ruby's struggle here comes to nothing. That overhanging question of "Will Ai('s actress) forgive her killer or not?" is cut short and goes unanswered. So what was the point of this?

I also just really can't get my head around this continued thread of Ruby wanting to be an idol who 'surpasses' Ai. I had a whole rant about it here I ended up deleting lol but the long and the short of it is it feels entirely incongruous with the series' broader portrayal and Ruby's own attitude about chasing Ai's light and what being an idol did to Ai but at this point I've given up.

The exchange with Kamiki that follows is like, the one part of this chapter I think is just uncomplicatedly interesting and worth interrogation. He actually gives Ruby a lot of genuinely good advice here - that she can only find an answer to that question by interrogating it herself and an answer from someone else won't solve the issue. Does she actually want suffering and revenge? Are those really at the core of who she is as a person?

The framing here is obviously and overtly sinister and suspicious and we're pretty clearly supposed to think he was about to shove Ruby down the stairs, but a few things jumped out to me. The first is that if you pay attention to the backgrounds, they seem to have actually already been close to if not at ground level by the time Akane caught up to them, so… what exactly was a push from that height going to do if he did, in fact, push her?

Not only that but uh… holy shit! His white hoshigan!!!!

Like, am I misremembering, or is this not the one and only time we have ever seen adult Hikaru - maybe even the real Hikaru full stop - without black hoshigans??? Given what we've seen of him so far and how the black hoshigans have been used as a symbol, if he really was about to kill Ruby… where did THAT come from?

Added together with the deeply sympathetic portrayal of his younger self in the movie, it continues to raise a lot of questions for me as to exactly what we're supposed to be thinking of Hikaru and how we're supposed to feel about him that I am finding very compelling. ambiguity enjoyers when the

NINO IS HERE!!!! MISS NINO I'M FREE THURSDAY NIGHT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HANG OUT

Joking aside, I'm really glad Nino is here because it implies her whatever the fuck is going on situationship with Kamiki is going to continue into the final arc(s?) of the series and that we'll get to see more of her as a result. Nino's been one of my favourite OnK characters since I first read 45510 so any more content of her in the main story is a treat.

Kamiki's words about the movie killing him via public opinion also lines up with what I was expecting to happen more or less… I'm curious to see how this is all going to play out and what this means for Aqua given that, if last chapter is anything to go by, he's still very much struggling with suicidal ideation. can someone PLEASE give my son a bone crushing hug.

akane stalking kamiki is up there as one of the funniest things ever in this manga btw. what is wrong w her <3

This is unfortunately where me having nice things to say about this chapter ends because the chapter - and therefore the Movie Arc as a whole - ends with this transparently rushed sequence absolutely mach speech blasting through the remaining material of the movie in one and a half's pages worth of silent single panels. Honestly, I really can't properly articulate how mad and frustrated I am about this lmao. It really just feels like Akasaka admitting to the reader that he's stopped giving a shit about what the movie was supposed to be about. The HKAI breakup that was given a huge amount of setup and weight at the start of filming? Ai's pregnancy? AI'S DEATH???? It's all skipped over and brushed aside as if it never mattered in the first place. Never mind any of the interesting characterization we could've gotten out of it. Never mind that the Movie Arc was promised to be about Ai and untangling her past. Never fucking mind Ruby having literally any interiority about having to act out the death of her beloved mother and reliving the event that destroyed her and her brother's lives. If Akasaka doesn't care, why should I?

It feels like a slap in the face for getting invested in the story's promises and trying to engage with it. But of course, I'm going to be back like a clown doing just that when the next chapter drops anyway.

at least we're finally moving on to a new arc but by god. at what fucking cost.

break next week……………………………………………..

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk spoilers #chapter reviews

[boygirltreehouse]

YOU DONT EVEN GET IT THEYRE THE CITYS FUTURE GOTHAM IS A CITY OF DEATH AND REBIRTH SHES AN UNOPENED BOX SHE IS ANYTHING YOU MAKE OF HER YOU JUST HAVE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION YOU JUST HAVE TO DECIDE GYAHHH

It's just, people born on Gotham are born into her curse, raised surrounded by tragedy and despair, but Gotham looks them all in the eyes and asks what are YOU going to do about it? Are you gonna perpetuate the suffering or are you going to Fight Back

#help..HELP MEEE #the signal #duke thomas #signal interlude #batman #bruce wayne #shes a neutral force shes hands you a knife and its your decision whether youll stab someone or decide to cut some fruit LIKEE #bruce wayne loses everything bcs githam did what she always does she takes everything from you bruce loses his parents and world pretty much #ends but with the invention of batman he basically said the answer to this question can be no more question at all #prevent parentless children from having to decide by saving them before theyre parentless am i making sense #no one should have to go thru what he did so he did something abt it and is still always something abt it by being batman #i hope im not sounding too crazy here #we are robin #these quotes r just fire man

[the-gene-mile]

HOLY SHIT THIS EP WAS INSANE

#am i just easy to please or r they just coming out swinging this season #put this on streaming NOW i need to collect more screenshots #the way boblin immediately knew rudy was lying and how louise went with him ouughh the belchers care abt this boy so much #good bits in there too. “food? question mark?” personal fav #also i love how they continued w rudy liking magic!! iirc that was introduced in apple gore-chard? i love continuity in my episodic shows #shoutout to the piracy site i used for buffering a bunch and messing up like 80% of my screenshots. can't have shit in this house #bob's burgers #bb spoilers #rambles

[soldier-poet-king]

Oh man I looked at the notes on that evolution & Christianity poll (a mistake, clearly), like, how can so many people be so fkin stupid. Yes thats mean of me to say but. Y'all are really out here being strict biblical literalists?? Not even most of the early christian theologians & church fathers were strict biblical literalists?? There is no historical basis to being an extreme literalist abt the bible?? Presumably you received SOME sort of education and can read and think critically?? You can't ALL have been raised in an information restrictive cult??

99% of the time im ready to throw hands with Catholicism because oh boy we have beef and I hate it here, but at least we're not Like That TM.

Oh Fr Georges Lemaître, father of the Big Bang Theory, we're really in it now.

#not to dunk on my Protestant friends ily #but like. protestantism is one hell of a drug. holy shit #like do i think ultimately what you believe about the evolution is the end of the world. no #BUT it indicates underlying literalist thinking which leads to problems that ACTUALLY affevt everyday life #and also just. deliberate ignorance. conspiracy theory thinking #not to b like. one thing leads to another. but these r definitely related patterns of thinking #and as much as im like. I fuckin hate catholics #its current western catholics that i rlly hate #theres at least a long history of intellectual freedom and science #yes at times obvs limited and repressed. but at least its not yknow. literalism. i would fuckin die #are yall really out here thinking abt literal adam and eve and creation in 7 days. really. REALLY? #altho. i went to hs with a young earth creationist who thot dinos and humans existed at the same time #so why. am i not surprised anymore #anyway yeah individual catholics are largely insane and i will fistfight trads #but at least like. INSTITUTIONALLY. we're allowed space to think and question #doctrinally thats allowed. even if trads refuse it in practice #ho ho holy shit yall #deadass did not think there was a significant amount of biblical literalists and creationists on TUMBLR of all places #both atheists and trads who think religion and science are fundamentally opposed. #think again. u r all. dummies. i am too tired to be polite abt it #im tired of ppl with no thinking skills <-its elections here today im extra full of rage #mrk saunders can catch my hands ALSO #i saw someone say that theres no basis to interpret the bible as allegorical #as if everytime Jesus said a parable ans the apostles took it literally #he had to sit them down and be like #boys. i love u. stop being stupid. its an allegory for the people. #WHAT THE FUCK IS A PARABLE IF NOT AN ALLEGORICAL INSTRUCTIVE STORY #genuinely. maybe i am naive. but deadass thot the adam and steve crowd thing was a joke. not a genuine argument against the gays #or at the very least a rare opinion blown out of proportion #ARE YALL OK IN PROTESTANT MAJORITY AREAS???????

[mysicklove]

i hate u aristotle, i hate u ethics, i hate u eudaimonia with everything in me

daddy ari if i went back in time and saw u i would put a permanent gag on u bc ur silly words are making my life a living hell

#🔪 - mello talks too much #I DONT UNDERSTAND PHILOSOPHYYYYYYYYY #ETHICS #WHY R U LOOKING SO IN DEPTH #”what causes happiness??” #obviously they haven’t discovered fictional cock #jokes #but FUCK U ARISTOTLE WHAT THE FUCK I #to do well is to be happy #bitch what?? #no shit?? #then why are u adding so much more to it #just trying to confuse me #i feel like this is showing how stupid i am #I cannot keep up with philosophy #everything else…maybe #but philosophy/ethics just makes me so mad #it’s like fuck man maybe try pussy?? #then u wouldn’t have to question life’s happiness #fucking ancient incel over here

[hwaitham]

i hope u lot are having a great sunday n that you were able to enjoy a treat or some company or listen to ur fave song to sweeten ur day n i Hope u are resting n eating n rewarding urself for all ur hard work okai :^) if u haven’t heard it yet 2dai i wub u i am so proud of u n even if u already have heard it . well . u deserve to hear it again ! ! 🐾⭐️

#𓈒 ۫ 𝓹𝓾𝓹𝓹𝓲𝓮 𐂯 𝓹𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓵𝓮𝓼 ₊⠀ೀ #u’re doing great :D surviving is an arduous task in n of itself so the fact u r living to see another day is something worth praising ! ! #u will be okay . and i will be okay . . and we will all be okay ♡ and it’ll be great ^__^ #now to listen to my own advice . . waaaaaaufh ; ; #sorrie for being so not interactive but i will be back tomorrow ! to bother u all n love on u all :3 after writing m last final wahooo ! ! #ppl to text back n fics to read n reblog n fwiends to check up on oooo i am Excited ): <- frownie face only bcos i miss u all dearly . . ): #also i will go thru m ments n inbox ): im rllie srrie to hav not responded quicker but the time simply ran away frm mi . . #but truly thank u so much sending mi litl msgs ): sharing art that reminds u of mi ): #sending selfship questions bcos i alwys wonder why anyone else but m’self wld be interested in that 🥺 ! ! #i wub u i wub u i wub u i wld die for u !♡ #okies . now baibai . see u tmrwwww be nice to each other be nice to urself do good iluavm ^__^

[compacflt]

okay so obviously the whole point of ESTD is that ice is unhappy because he cannot accept that he loves maverick because he must serve his country and at the end he realizes how stupid that is when maverick dies!! but…do you think that your ice and maverick could have ever been happy had maverick forced ice to talk about it earlier on? do you see any potential for them to live their lives not publicly but also not as a complete secret? a world where slider would have known ice was happy and seen what caused that (his love for maverick)?

maverick, venice Italy, 2002: um i 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 love you actually

ice: 😳🤯😗 ok! I love you too let’s make this work!

…

ice, 2002: ok i think we should follow caroles orders and pull Bradley’s papers from the academy and also i am leaving you to get my second star because my career still comes first sry

maverick: i know we literally just codified our relationship but uh you suck i am breaking up with you forever fuck you

(relationship ends .)

#you guys have literally gotten this entire wip scene fed to you over the last two months so i can prove my point ahead of time i am so sry #when you get to this scene on ao3 it’s gonna be two pages of ‘man ive already read this ☹️’ #so sorry for the spoilers guys #but i have a Point To Prove. #pete maverick mitchell #tom iceman kazansky #icemav #asks #edts notes #also i answered a similar question to this last month & i said then that i don’t think mav could’ve said it and had ice stay until he died #i think if you search up ‘fuck you navy first’ on my blog it should come up #boy wouldn’t it be nice to have a masterpost i could reference at times like these #no one told me putting together a master post would be so much fucking work #actually just search the word ‘exorbitant’ lmao it’s the first result #at the time of drafting this i am slightly buzzed and spent five minutes trying to make the pointing emojis white #someone else asked a similar question months ago… my answer is: ‘sometimes if you talk about how momentarily upset u r in a relationship #you end up breaking up lol’

[volfoss]

actually worst genre of essays/posts are guys we KNOW the author has been homo/transphobic in the past but if you reallyyyy look in the bg theres a couple LGBT charactesr so hes an ally <3 like you guys are INASNE...

#twist rambles #this is abt o/da and well. the insane posts where people r like omg <3 the author of (redactd) is basically a big ally for... skirting ever #single question abt any lgbt characters by being like ermmm up to the audience i wont confirm it except for characters who die. sorry im in #bad article hell right now. #like... their gender is up to audience perception is NOT the same as the character being nonbinary oh my godddd take ur head out of ur asss #and ppl do this so bad w o/p bc like... the transmisogyny is SO vile and people will still be like omg ^-^ od/a did soooo much here for rep #like he did NOT oh my god. sorry im angry posting at 5 am do u still love me

[soggypotatoes]

the problem with turning up to uni all colourful in overalls and pigtails is that everyone thinks im 18

im 27, i just have the fashion sense of a clown and my neck is sweaty

#ed mumbles #people r like what high school did u go to :) #and then when i mention the other degrees ive studied theyre like ? #also being older is crazy #why am i one of the Vocal Ones in class this is so weird #ive always been the dead quiet hiding one #now im speaking up so much it's wild #also my uni is so queer hahahh #multiple nb lecturers/tutors and everyone has pronouns under their name #it's nice.. i've never seen that before! #i'm just really trying to settle into this new person i've apparently become when i wasn't looking #this person who speaks up in class discussions and answers questions and finishes assessments early without even panicking about them #my first assessment due can be in any medium so i wrote a comic abt tertiary study when you have adhd #i'm proud of it ngl! #just have to finish inking it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#guess whos back in therapy bby 😎 #the lady i saw was nice. 1st appointments r always a lotta blah blah blah so much to cover #and im always like bleh whatever im not that bad but when u put it all down on paper it is sorta a lot lol #i got the comment. hm u seem to kno a lot abt the dsm. and like listen. i have been meticulously categorizing my problems for the last 4 #years. and i like to learn so ya kno. also said yea it sounds like u r having hypomanic episodes. #and asked if bipolar was a possibility and like if i was bipolar that would absolutely blow my god damn mind. im pretty sure its just pmdd #but whatever. im open to the possibility. mostly i wanna hear someone else perspective on this #i feel like im collaborating on a project. like gimmie ur notes i wanna see if were on the same track. bc im insane like that #i always feel bad when they apologize for asking invasive questions. like neh its fine. i got nothin to hide and i dont give a fuck #also i told a class of my peers that my distraction from research is drawing narut0 fan art. again bc i do not #give a single fuck. Professors response: hopefully we get to see it some day. bro. if u ask me i will show u. i do not care #i mean. probably nothing too weird but i feel like most of my stuff is safe to share. i just come off looking like a weeb i guess #but yea back in therapy bc my mum reminded me bc the ppl around me irl r also worried for my well-being based on my behavior lol #i mean its just bc i complain that im in like psychological pain a lot. so lots and lots of bitching abt my brain ^^ #the lady i saw did fall a lil bit into my trap. like what woulf ur life look like if u had everything under control? bc it seems like ur #here and ur starting a phd what more do u want? and im like mwahaha but u see i can do school #i can do school so good. i am the best at school and thats it. i am otherwise barely functional #so i can be successful on paper and dysfunctional when it comes to having a life :-] #but whatever. well see what she wants to follow up on next week bc i threw a lot at her #also went to my office for the 1st time. it is really nice to sit in a working lab and watch ppl interact. but also i do feel like im #dying if i try to sit in that room with 2 other ppl lol. so well see how it goes. i may find somewhere else to hide #unrelated

[zoldyckd]

taking another sick day just to cry 😔👍

#we r relapsing boys nothing to be ashamed of ! wish mental health days were a thing #at least I am known as the migraine haver though… easier to take sick days without being questioned too much

[girlscience]

Last paper I was going to read has been read... it was the most interesting to me. It was about low-head dam removal and it's effects on the community make up of the fish populations in those streams. It was not a study performed by the guy I am talking to tomorrow, it was actually a grad thesis by a student that worked with him in the aquatic sciences center. Now I just have to figure out the answers to a couple questions I was recommended to have answers to because they seem likely to be asked.

#I still don't have any good questions to ask him though *sobbing* #I have questions about like the timing of the research because mostly everything I saw was longer than a grad degree will take #I want to know how they pick their research projects because there are so many things that could be researched #but otherwise its just statements #I want to learn fish dissection and identification. I want to learn how to use R. I want to refresh/understand statistics #I was most interested in the studies that were done on things like the dam-removal effect and riparian vs agriculture streams #the studies on fish population demographics were interesting and important but didn't quite capture me the same way #I guess I can just say that these were the things I found interesting and would like to study and be involved in #but that because I don't have much (any) experience creating my own experiments #or with aquatic ecosystems I am not really sure what a good research question would be but that I want to learn #..... I don't know if that's great though because it might just make me seem inexperienced #in a way that would not be beneficial to a lab. like that I wouldn't be bringing anything to the table #but on the other hand if you are expecting a brand new grad student to have all the answers what are you doing #but also I have been out of school and been working for 4 years so I should be more mature and have a better grasp of science #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA JUST WHAT IF IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH #i am so stressed

[cinna-bunnie]

augh speaking of doing cute stuff w ur friends I'm thinking of when my friend n her bf took me out to dinner and paid for my movie ticket 🥺 i wanted to at least pay for snacks or somethn but i just got us some popcorn to share n they still got more of their own stuff.

i love to feel taken care of ૮ – ﻌ–ა ♡⁠

#it was when i saw that new ghibli movie :3 #it's been nice hanging out w them. i used to get annoyed when her bf would get home but he's grown on me 😩 he's a good boy #they r cool to hang with bc i never feel like a third wheel. i always feel included ‹: when he gets home he just clicks right in n we're al #hanging out. aa anda then my friend (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠) she's a fun sweet gal. she is so so beautiful too i tell her all the time #she dyes her hair kinda often so i always love seeing what new color she's got going on 👼🏾 #she'd be so so SO beautiful w cotton candy pink hair 😵‍💫 she went for a certain shade of pink last time that didn't work out so #she went with something new. i am always stunned.. it never gets old. she makes me DELICIOUS drinks too omfg #i don't b drinking much by myself im more of a stoner girl but we get trashed together 💀💕 #i hope i get to meet more ppl like this when i move later this year (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠) #im a lil high n reminiscing rn the past yr has been great. that poll was a lovely question to answer (⁠✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚) ♡⁠