#and they didnt explain why people are compulsive

[i-sveikata]

okay so just finished reading dark heir and let me tell you THEORY TIME:

-okay so my guess is that anharion was actually being magically controlled by the sun king when the lady betrayed sarcean thats why he walked away like it was nothing

-sarcean managed to free him from it and thats why he was able to switch sides in the battle/ follow the desire he feels for sarcean and go against those in the sun kings court and the 'light'

-despite popular belief the collar doesnt actually control him, thats why james didnt feel any compulsion when it was put on again. it was devised by sarcean to ensure anharion has control of his own mind forever and nobody else can ever compel him if he gets magically drained (whilst also being a show of ownership because hes a possessive bastard)

-i also think that how james/anharion was acting once the collar was on wasnt even about being forced to do what will says. it could honestly just be that he understands him so well that he knows the exact right things to say to reassure him? and will was just too afraid at seeing the collar on his throat to look beyond it and consider the possibility of james/anharion actually not being under his control. which could explain that weird moment where he realised james/anharion was mirroring sarceans desires and not actually his own. like those last few moments to me seem like james/anharion trying to talk to sarcean- not will.

-because like maybe they were just genuinely lovers in the past?? Esp if the collar doesnt work how everyone assumes that it does.

-but all the rumours etc surrounding anharion and sarcean and anharions sudden switching of sides could only have been understood as by force because ppl always viewed sarcean and his magic as different and evil?? and anharion being so pure and of 'light' that they could only see it as being corrupted by sarcean and anharion not following him willingly

idk i just feel like theres so much of the story that we havent heard from either anharion or sarcean themselves and these books are about how bad perceptions of people can lead them to ruin and fuel a story rather than the reality of their actions. so anyway im so down for the next book in the hopes that we can learn more about their history!!

#dark heir spoilers #theory time #i just feel like there so much more to this narrative to play with and i really cant wait to find out where the story goes in book 3 #not to say that i dont think sarcean is a dick and that you cant write non con stuff but this would seem like such an interesting twist #like everyone blaming sarcean and hating him for stuff that he didnt actually do would so tie into wills current story too #where he is actually trying to be a good person and is constantly being punished by others perception of him

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

#goro akechi #p5 #sure i guess #ahah the rival life with ocd ocpd and other fun things is so. fun (NOT) #man #this is why i became so attached to him when i was playing... its like. YO THIS guy this guy gets it (becomes obsessed) #im not joking i think goro is probably my favorite character in anything ever. at least now. but like. ive never. felt so much ...for any #fictional guy #man.... #love to hear you guys thoughts! as i said i dont dislike if you disagree on something; sometimes i may be seeing things wrong! i want to #know so much and understand my favorite guy ever ^^ hes so much to me. so id love to hear everything!! #after all. i hadnt even considered cptsd before someone brought it up. even tho. i also. have. it. LOL

[selfundiagnosed]

the way this looks from an outside perspective is so funny like it kind of DOES look like im fed bad news through invisible headphones when people are talking to me because then the get all scary looking and suddenly stop talking to me and theyre like whats going on..? im like damn cant i react to whats in my head ? fawwwwk. I just never knew thats probably how people interpret that looking like. Or 10 seconds to diffuse a bomb I LAUGHED. Baby i have been solving the worlds greatest mystery since I could think coherently i cant believe this is what i look like to other people? I didnt know pure o ocd was a thing? Therapy has had me all kinds of gaping. I knew about the different obsessions and what categories they fall under but i never knew my rituals and compulsions were more mental than physical. Like this explains so many previous misdiagnosis’s and why i lament about whats wrong with me. I feel a cool gust of wind on my stuffy hot brain

[egokillr]

manifesting with ocd/ anxiety

a gentle guide to managing your mental health while manifesting your dream life :D

i hope to write this as a motivational guide for those who deal with ocd, any anxiety disorders, and mental health issues in general. i’m going to explain how i dealt with my mental health and the things i experienced on my lil journey. last year when i really got into the law of attraction, my fears intensified and i realized they had always had my life on hold. or “limiting beliefs” as you would call it, but it kind of made me anxious about life and spirituality. etc. after i was diagnosed with ocd, i went down a kind of spiral because i didn’t understand the law of assumption yet and had lingering limiting beliefs that people in the law of attraction community would enforce. i honestly was kind of anxious abt creating my own reality. and, honestly thats okay! it’s completely normal when you come to that big of a spiritual realization. having ocd made intrusive thoughts feel scary for me because it seemed kinda real, knowing that your thoughts create. i also would have obsessions and intrusive thoughts which i would try to fix in my head. it lead me to create “rituals” or compulsions to try to “fix” them. the problem here is that i was trying to fix them when they didnt need to be fixed. your thoughts should not be viewed as “good and bad,” but rather just thoughts. they are nothing without your attention. so why fight them? its kind of like acknowledging that theres an issue when really, they are simply thoughts, so why would i fight with it? when you create an issue with those thoughts, your mind sees it as a threat. the goal is to neutralize that. a mental diet is normally used to manifest the things you want into your life by being selective with your thoughts, and it is extremely helpful. but i was taking some things the wrong way, beating myself up for negative thoughts, etc. i was scared of messing up my manifestations in any way and just felt guilty about my past creations in general. in reality, no one can take your desire away from you once you have it. i realized after pondering the question of how to manifest with ocd efficiently, that circumstances most definitely do not matter, and even that is just another “circumstance.” there is nothing in your way! your assumptions create.

i have realized a few things while bettering my mental health that have helped me understand the law and how to cope with ocd while it lasts.

1. you decide what manifests

your intrusive and anxious thoughts will never manifest if you assume so! i would recommend making that a reminder or affirmation to just know. i also would recommend not using this as a response to intrusive thoughts or anxiety 100% of the time though, bc it acts as kind of a mental compulsion in my opinion.

2. intrusive thoughts are to be treated like background noise

they are nothing without your attention. therefore they are already gone, bc they are nothing and you said so. some of them may be “scary” but really they are nothing more than thoughts until you give them the power to be more. Exposure Response Prevention is the leading form of therapy for OCD and is good for other forms of anxiety as well. it exposes you to the anxious environment while making sure you don’t perform a compulsion to reduce your anxious reaction to it. therefore, lowering your anxious reaction when exposed to the thought. i would recommend looking into it if you are struggling with anxiety on your journey. but if an intrusive thought arises such as “im going to get in a crash” and “oh no what if that manifests and i just die,” try not to respond to it but instead just sit with any anxiety or feeling and let it pass. don’t even give yourself reassurance that it’s okay. it’s not even a “bad” thought so why would you need reassurance? you’ll realize that you’re just the observer and thoughts have no power over you.

3. manifesting good mental health

this is optional!! you can always work through it the therapeutic way or both! i find that doing a bit of both helps me a lot. sometimes when things are difficult you may need the extra help. thats still you manifesting better mental health! its all you helping yourself. you can always have assumptions such as “i have no intrusive thoughts” or “i have the perfect mindset” and yes, it’ll come true. but regardless, no thoughts can ever effect you until you give them the power to, and you should always have that in mind. negative and intrusive thoughts are not the problem. the reaction to them is what causes the anxiety. i’m so glad you can manifest better mental health/ mindset, it really helps speed up the process.

5. affirmations to start your day :D

i find that reminding myself everyday of these affirmations help me to stay more calm. these are just what im comfortable with so you can always adjust them for yourself!

- i am always safe in my own energy

- no doubt or fear can even touch my power

- i love myself unconditionally

- i am in control

- negative and intrusive thoughts never manifest

- i am naturally a positive person with positive experiences

- i am confident in everything that i do

- i have the perfect manifesting mindset

6. calming resources!

if you ever are to experience a spiral, it’s always okay. the key is self-compassion, and remembering that you can change anything whenever you want too. you don’t have to manifest 100% of the time. take your mind off the event and onto yourself and your wellbeing first. you are your first priority!

- controlled breathing

this will help you anytime and anywhere! breathing through the esophagus (stomach) helps relieve anxiety. i would recommend taking a few deep breaths to just be and set everything else aside. you can look into meditation practices or breath work to get into a more relaxed state as well c:

- journaling

if you need to vent or are overthinking, this is a great outlet for releasing thoughts. write down anything u want! nothing can affect your manifestation if you assume so. journaling will really help you become more comfortable with yourself as well as improving your mental health.

- subliminals and affirmations

remind yourself that you are god and you can change literally anything! there are lots of subliminals for relaxation if you don’t feel like affirming.

- text lines, hotlines and therapy

sometimes we need help and das okay c:

a really good website for finding therapists in your area - psychologytoday.com

and if you ever need a crisis hotline, just look up the crisis hotline in your country and there should be an option to text or call.

that’s basically all i’ve noted based off of therapeutic research and just personal realizations. you don’t have to do any of these things and can still manifest! if you have anything to add to this, please let me know. i haven’t seen many posts about ocd and manifesting, so i hope this will help anyone who is wondering the same. always do what works for you. regardless of anything, you are god! i believe in all of you c:

#law of assumption #manifesting #mental health #mental diet #affirmyourreality #affirmations

[beingstalked]

To show these accounts were never made for the purpose of stalking them. My old twitter account I had created in College. The Ellie account I cannot find details for but it was just an account created for the hype of TLOU2. I hardly used it but called Liam out when he created an account pretending to be a character from a game, something he said I did. The details for my last twitter account I had were: Joined November 2020. I didnt initially put my name on the account or link myself to it in any way, didn't post photos of myself, just kept it as K. Liam still obsessively stalked to find me and continued to stalk. I eventually found his accounts through a mutual friend. My JK account I deleted, Liam did not get my account taken down because the account was private and had never followed or interacted with Liam on that account, Most of the time I have deleted my accounts because I want to have a social media presence without having Liam constantly having eyes on me. I've deleted my first reddit account because I'd had ago at Liam telling him to leave me and Phil alone and he would stalk and the pathetic loser he is, kept down voting. He has a thing with "if I got higher numbers than them, I'm better than them". I always joked it was small PP energy and when Liam talked about his lack of sex life on ASimpleManInADress, it explained everything. I have never wanted to be constantly pestered by Liam, I've removed myself on certain platforms to try stop this behaviour. Yet when I remove myself, Liam will look for hours on different platforms to find me, to feed this obsession he has with me. He always says he's stalked and harassed by me, yet I have tried removing myself multiple times, and he always comes to whatever platform I'm on. If I was stalking and harassing him, why has he never tried removing himself, why has he created new accounts when I've blocked him, to then stalk me on the new account. Why does he care so much about me? Why has he cared so much for 4 years about what I do with my life? How would he know I've blocked his new accounts on Reddit when I don't interact with them? Simple answer, because he goes to stalk my account to see what I've been saying, then realised hes blocked. On Twitter he used to react to what he did, followed my friends to be blocked by them? Accuse us of wanting him, blocked a fake account i suspected to be his partner under the name Izzy Darke? Immediately says we're keeping an eye on him, yet he went to stalk my account and realised I had blocked him, therefore making it very obvious (i never communicated with the account or made a post about me blocking the account), whenever I've posted on here, ive never sent Liam a link, ive posted on my Reddit AFTER I've blocked him, therefore meaning he made his new accounts and didnt like that i was posting proof that proved what he was done, but also that he was a compulsive liar about the whole situation. He reported my post of me showing what message I had sent Stacey in Feb 2023 because he did not want to me to reveal me going to them and calling out everything hes done, he wanted to twist the narrative and be the victim and have sympathy. Hes always been the butt of jokes, the biggest one amongst his mates was when he had his foot run over by someone in a wheelchair in school, hes ran into a wall trying to do a wrestling move, completely missing the person and running headfirst into a wall, or jumped down off a wall and fucked his knees up. Hes never liked being the butt of jokes and hiding behind a phone screen made him feel powerful, he just was never a good liar when it came to covering up what he had done, especially when theres screenshots to prove it. With how he does this behaviour, I'm not his first victim of stalking, I can guarantee he's done this to other people he was friends with, exes, probably the cousin that he repeatedly told Phil the story of he didn't like. This behaviour did not start with me.

[bookcub]

this quote from the name of the wind was used in criminal minds, season 9, episode 19, the edge of winter

#the name of the wind #kkc #criminal minds #do you think they pick the quotes before they write the episode or after? #i can imagine hearing or seeing this quote and going #oooo i have an idea for an episode #i have mixed feelings about this episode #they got ocd so so so so wrong #people with ocd can be obesessively clean #but it is not the rule #and they didnt explain why people are compulsive #ie believing certain actions control events around them #there are people in my life who have ocd and told me about it #and it is much more complicated than this episode #on a more positive note #this episode has a character named carrie!!! #(and so did a previous one this season hmm) #also this is hard to read but i worked with what i had #i did like the episode overall #a more interesting set up than usual

[strawberrybabydog]

explanation why ask box was closed under cut

post-writing comment: now that im reading all of this i think i will close it again actually. sorry for the false hope LOL

TLDR, i have an unhealthy relationship with the blog. i developed OCD & an addiction over it and i need to Not Do That, among other reasons

my week and a half without this blog was peaceful but the main reason it was closed is because i had a Moment one night & during the Moment i realized that my words are having significant impact on delusional spaces online

its fun and cool to have a popular blog, but it’s terrifying to have that much pressure, even if i know im doing the right thing. im already seeing a lot of the internet’s typical unforgiveness when i’ve made mistakes in the past, but as my blog grows more there wil only be more of that, with the opposite side taking my word as holy. neither of which i want obviously LOL. that paired with my notice of many people misinterpreting the things i’m saying, not totally listening to my words, etc etc - communication issues - its much worse!

i dont think it really matters how much i encourage yall to do your own research, i know full well it won’t happen (/npa) and i also dont want to try to force anyone into reading academic papers, the academic jargon is sometimes even hard to get through for me and im privileged enough to have minimal trouble with reading

i just fear when new research emerges in the next few years some of the posts here (which although are currently up to date/correct based on current research) will age poorly, even though when new research emerges i will do my best to debunk my old posts and other misinformation. this is a hypothetical, i guess its possible that everything i say here is correct, but thats also not likely because thats just The Way Things Are. i just dont think im prepared for the harassment which comes with “well, you said THIS two years ago, and i see you have not deleted this specific post which i have severely misinterpreted, because you obviously still fully agree with it and not because you forgot it existed. care to explain yourself.” very annoying and i just dont want to deal with it

i also put a lot of Myself into this blog and many of the posts i make. i’m sure although many of you havent seen me in real life, if you lined my body up with other people you’d easily be able to pick me out regardless just based on my physical mannerisms and clothing. i view this blog as an extension of myself when in Reality that’s not at all what this has to be, im just unsure of how to pull back really

i feel a very strong responsibility to this blog, i feel like i owe everyone who interacts with it something. which is also obviously not very cool. basically TLDR i have an unhealthy relationship with this blog, partially by fault of myself and partially by fault of the internet just being the internet. i just may not be cut out to emotionally handle that in the end which will result in my askbox being closed indefinitely, should i make that decision

aaand to top it all off i became extremely OCD about checking the inbox. seeing the little notification that someone asked me something is a good source of dopemine but addictive and - when i say i developed OCD over it, im not using hyperbole i mean it very literally. i still get dopemine to see the little notification! but it’s not really worth the obsession-compulsion of refreshing my tumblr every 2 minutes for hours every day, constantly having tumblr open incase i got a message, etc. since closing the ask box my OCD in reference to other things i normally have OC-intrusive thoughts with has also gotten better

it wasnt closed because i got a specific rude anonymous message i didnt like or anything. like i said i just had an episode and had some post-episode clarity over things i’d been stressed out about for months. quite a few posts from my blog disappeared because i was fighting the urge to not wipe the entire blog mid-episode so i just settled on some posts which were argumentative/discoursey/too personal

#personal #pupdates

[queersturbate]

Pls pls talk about Light having ocpd AND about Lawlight disorder solidarity, I could listen to you all day!! Your brain is huge

hello!! :D

of course! ive been sitting on these ocpd!Light and neurodivergent solidarity lawlight asks for a bit trying to think and get more knowledge and opinions on the subjects so i think it's finally time to answer them!

Firstly i need to restate that OCPD is a personality disorder and is not the same thing as OCD. OCPD is defined by the person who has it being completely obsessed with rules, order, and control with the person thinking their thoughts and behaviors are correct (while people with OCD have unwanted intrusive thoughts). OCPD and OCD have a few overlapping symptoms with each other so it can be hard distinguishing them, but it is possible to have both! Which I think Light does. One difference between the disorders is that OCD starts early in childhood, OCPD, like most personality disorders, appear in a person's late teens or early twenties.

with all mental disorders/illnesses you need certain symptoms to be able to be diagnosed (eg. PTSD- in order to be diagnosed you need to have flashbacks and experience dissociation, i am a person who has been medically diagnosed with PTSD and this is what my therapist told me) and so with OCPD there is also a list of symptoms you need to have. The thing i saw has a series of 8 symptoms and at least four need to be present in order to be diagnosed with OCPD.

These are the ones I think fit Light: preoccupied with rules, lists, order, organization, and schedules so much that the point of the activity they're working on is lost to them. (think of Light using a testing the notebook and extending and figuring out every little rule and loophole), shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion, is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the point where they cut out friendships and leisure activities, is overconscientious/scrupulous/inflexible about matters of ethics/morals/values, shows rigidity and stubbornness, is unable to discard of items even if useless, and is hesitant to work with others unless the other's submit to do exactly what they say and want.

okay now i've explained just a tiny bit of my OCPD!Light headcanon but you also asked for lawlight nd solidarity so i must talk about that before this gets too long! So, first let's get what disorders/mental illnesses I think Light and L have out of the way.

With L i think they have: autism spectrum disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and ADHD.

For Light i think he has: narcissistic personality disorder, a god complex, obsessive compulsive disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, and POSSIBLY ADHD. My friend and I are talking about it. I haven't decided if I see it yet.

I think L has more understanding on why his brain is the way that it is. Why he has these thoughts and what's going on with them. He's very self aware and had probably read up on his disorders, and self diagnosed himself since I doubt the wammy house would provide therapists for the kids. Watari probably also helped L with his disorders and identifying them. However, Light on the other hand does not know why his brain is the way that it is. And honestly with NPD and his god complex he doesn't really care tbh, people with NPD/God complexes are delusional and even tho some can be aware a lot of people aren't. But with OCD he worries that everyone will see him as Not Normal and an imperfection if he lets those symptoms show. Again, not knowing why he feels like the need to flick a light switch on and off 7 times or else his family will be robbed, will make him feel like he is not the perfect man he has convinced everyone into thinking he is. A perfect man doesn't have to fold a shirt 6 times because it didnt feel right. Or need time alone in his room because he touched something that felt off to him.

I think that Light has had everyone around him fooled into thinking he is neurotypical. But L, as always in regards to Light, saw through his attempts of squashing his symptoms and tendencies out of view of others. I think im going to answer another lawlight nd solidarity ask listing some headcanons i have so it'll look cleaner and this won't be too long. so that's all for now on the Light is not neurotypical saga, tune in again and I'll talk about gay people

#lol #this is all over the place #my hands are cold and i have a migraine #death note #lawlight #light yagami #l lawliet #light yagami headcanons #l lawliet headcanons #lawlight headcanons

[telaraneas]

(i change my mind, copypasting this to its own post cause it really got away from me. long post warning)

i guess what im thinkin is like, that light is the domain of “things that MUST happen, for Reasons”; mind is the domain of “things must/will happen, for REASONS”; void is the domain of, like, “things happen or don’t happen for no discernible reason, necessarily”.

thats not really a great description of it i guess but, for instance, a good example is that one time Rosesprite happened…. For No Reason. and for no reason, really i mean no narrative reason- it ended up setting off a chain of events that resolved the subplots of many minor characters, so it’s not like it’s USELESS, but there was kind of no way to predict that whole thing from a “narratively this is something that we are leading up to” standpoint, which is why roxy’s actions brought it about on accident, and why rose was so thoroughly perplexed by it the whole way through. void is probably closer to the way things happen in real life, but it is sort of the anthitesis to the way things happen in stories, where everything is deliberate and happens for A Narrative Reason… but homestuck was always largely written on the fly at least in the smaller scale things, so this sort of thing just Happens lol

incidentally im pretty sure a mind player like terezi could have technically predicted that, if she had for any reason at all been previously informed of all the moving parts of that whole thing and TRYING to predict what the fuck jaspersprite was gonna do, because it IS perfectly logical in hindsight, but like… that’s the whole thing, why the fuck WOULD you be trying to look into that or predict it????? there was seemingly no narrative reason for any of that to be relevant! and that’s kind of what void is about i think!

on a similar note i thing breath is more along the lines of just…. Things Happen. similarly to void, it’s not about trying to discern WHAT will happen or WHY, but unlike void, the things that DO happen under the influence of breath ARE kind of things that the narrative called for. breath seems to be kind of the aspect dominating narrative contrivance

people often confuse contrivance with plot holes, but from what i understand they’re very different. a plot hole is when something happens, and it makes no sense for it to happen to the degree it breaks with previously established known facts, and it’s just never explained.

a plot contrivance doesn’t really contradict anything, necessarily, it’s just… like… there’s no reason for it to NOT happen the way it does, but there’s also no reason for it TO happen the way it does, and overall the reason it’s considered bad writing is because it tends to come across as lazy. oh, the heroes JUST SO HAPPENED to find the one magic sword that can defeat the bad guy, just laying on the side of the road. how convenient!

…incidentally, john’s entire story arc seems to be built entirely around moments like these skfnkenfke

i think it was smart writing to codify this as 1. the influence of an actual cosmic force that DOES operate on those principles, and 2. make john have to figure out how to get a handle on things by himself, even if the tools and circumstances just happened to be aligned in his favor by everything else in the story. john still has to be the one to turn HIMSELF into a deus ex machina, on-screen, to fix everything. it gives the story a good narrative and emotionally resonant reason to just contrive the hell out of everything john does and goes through, while STILL delivering on his arc as a hero’s journey

(i also think it’s really funny that the ring, which gets LITERALLY deus ex machina’d into the story via the author himself, is CONVENIENTLY found by tavros, and john CONVENIENTLY ends up with it in the story itself sjfnskdn true breath shenanigans, and incredibly fitting that vriska rejected it and played no part in it because there was no previously known indication that the ring would be important in any way until the two breath players started playing hot potato with it)

i’m still not sure if i have a good grasp on what exactly time does, because we have seen very different attitudes taken towards it by various different players AND the official description, and it’s hard to tell what, in each regard, comes from time as an aspect, from the classes of the characters, or from the characters themselves/both things; but for now i think my best guess is that time is kind of “things already happened, this is inmutable, let’s just cut to the chase”, more or less. like, the way this differs from light is that light still thinks of things more or less linearly, even when they UNDERSTAND this is not the case, whereas time tends to just not even concieve of things has “something that is happening”

like, example, vriska vs aradia; they both kind of enabled Big Bad Things that they already knew would happen via timeline shenanigans- but from what i recall, i don’t think aradia ever PERSONALLY set any of those events in motion, she simply didn’t correct any misunderstandings and thus allowed the wheels of time to turn smoothly; whereas vriska went “bec noir Will Happen = someone will make it happen anyways = i’m gonna make it happen myself, cause someone has to, and it might as well be me!!!” because of her compulsion to be the master of her own fate

aradia didnt so much see her actions as her *doing* anything, evil or good; she was pretty much just making sure things ended up where they were already going to end up/had already ended up, devoid of motivation or reason. similar to dave in the first five acts, just opening and closing loops Because He’s Gotta until he eventually runs out of steam and loops to close, because he really never had any motivations for doing what he was doing other than Well, I Already Did Them, So Obviously I Have To Do Them So I Can Have Already Done Them. no intent or motivation inherent to the actions themselves for half the story

a more childish example is caliborn getting fed up with the story and the Interpersonal Problems of the players and being like “fuck this, just skip to the good parts, they’re Going to happen so why do we have to sit through all of this shit!”. obv contrast to calliope, who seems to illustrate the kind of reader who would rather explore the status quo forever and imagine all the character interactions possible, playing in the *space* of the work in between the big status quo shifts and dreading said shifts, where caliborn wants to skip right past the status quo and have a story composed of nothing BUT the big shifts, the start and end of things

(neither of these are a sustainable way to tell a story, which is why you need at least a space and a time player)

#homestuck #classpect #homestuck meta #is that what people call it??? #long post #sushi original

[dermatillo-bitch]

Hey I'm about to go on the hugest rant in the world about why it's important to spread awareness for BFRBs so bear with me.

Today I was in a group chat of mine, and somebody else mentioned their dermatillomania. I got real excited to discuss it, as I never actually encounter other people who own up to having a BFRB.

We had a full out discussion in the chat. It was long, and we mentioned a lot of our struggles. After we had said a lot, about three other people said they had experienced similar struggles before and didnt know it had a name.

I wasnt shocked by this. BFRBs are usually very forgettable and not many psychiatrists or therapists know they exist, so it's pretty hard to get a diagnosis. Many people who have severe BFRBs have to bring the disorder's name to their psychiatrist's attention to even get them to acknowledge it. This makes it entirely more difficult to inform people that they arent crazy.

I went on to explain that Derma and Trich arent the only BFRBs. I mentioned that there are many others, including ones where you might bite your lip until its calloused, and one where you can pick your nose until it bleeds.

Somebody then asked me if the one where you pick you nose was real, saying they thought they were just gross. I immediately told them about Rhinotillexomania and they were relieved to hear they werent alone.

(They also remarked about how long the name was, but most of them have Latin roots and are very long.)

I find the fact that people dont know about these behaviors slightly infuriating. For such a long time, I thought I was alone. I thought I was creating a struggle for myself that everyone else around me was able to repress. I thought I was weak, not being able to stop myself. All of these thoughts are so unbelievably false. If you think this about yourself in any capacity, know that you are so totally wrong. You're not alone. Other people have the same struggles and obstacles as you.

I see a lot about Trich on these "Most Uncommon Human Disorders" videos, saying that it's super rare, and that like, 1 in 3 million people have it. This statistic is so off it's not even funny. Now correct me if I'm wrong, I often am, but as far as I am aware, about 1 in 30 people have a BFRB. That's so many people, so many people who might not be aware that what they're going through has a name.

I mentioned my derma once at a family gathering (dont worry it was before rona) and my aunt approached me after. She asked me really quietly, as if she were ashamed to even bring it up, if I had mentioned skin picking had a name. Dermatillomania is relatively common on her side of my family. Lots of them had it. I told her of course it does, and if she didnt remember it to text me. She sounded so uncertain, and it made me so upset, so sad, that she went more than half her life not knowing that she wasnt alone. Not knowing that she had a legitimate issue that was a struggle for her, and that it was valid.

Another thing is that people who arent informed on the topic of BFRBs think, is that it is a form of self harm. Infact, the person I was originally talking with on the group chat mentioned they had heard before that they were self harming by picking. It is not the same. They are entirely different things, but both are entirely valid struggles. I should explain the difference.

BFRBs fall on the OCD spectrum. They are behaviors that are obsessive and compulsive. They are not the same as a full Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, as those are different struggles and comparing them would not work well. Many BFRBs include subconscious behaviors that one might not even realize they are performing. My don't want to hurt themselves at all. Self harm, on the other hand, is not something I am qualified to talk about, but it is intentionally done to oneself with the intention of harm.

In conclusion, this was a mess of a rant and is super disorganized.

Jk. But seriously.

People need to know about these things. They're really common and it sucks when you're confused by your own behaviors.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

#bfrb awareness #bfrb #dermatillomania #excoriation disorder #trichotillomania #skin picking disorder #skin picking #rhinotillexomania #body focused repetitive behaviors

[mrskisaki]

Um so my situation has gotten worse and I might be taking a break from tumblr all together but ima try not to.

Ima just explain in a short story version of what's happening (it's a long story)

Might have a few triggers in here idk, you dont have to read. Mainly just a rant for me.

I'm sorry how messy this is, my brain is in shambles rn

I made this blog to get away from my home life and bring me temporary happiness but I havent been able to enjoy it like I used to and I feel bad because lately I havent been active and I know this isnt something you all want to read about.

Okay so bam, when I was 9 years old my mother died (her friend od her on pain medication after she got out of surgery) so it's been My dad, my brother who was 10 and me until my dad got with my step mom when I was 12. We ended up moving in with her and her kids (19,18,17 and 12 all girls). It was nice at first but after a while things got bad for me and my brother bc we were the step siblings so we got treated differently. So fastfoward to 16, my brother ended up running away because of how toxic things were and left me alone ( I dont blame him though) so everything got thrown to me, one of the sisters got married and moved out and another got engaged and moved out, they're the two that are nice but the other two are complete assholes. It got to the point where I was unable to talk to any of my real siblings (my brother is the only one who has both parents as me) and I was forced to move schools my junior year so I couldnt see him and had to start 2 weeks late. Okay so fastfoward I'm 18 now and for the passed few years has been hell (the reason why I barely get any sleep is because I have to do all the chores in the house and there's 7 people that lives here along with 2 dogs so I'm constantly cleaning and I do all the cooking as well) . My step mom has a tendency to talk down and bad on my real family and on my deceased mom. Ngl, my momma was a Og. She was the plug back in the day lmfaooooo but anyways my step mom always brings up things my mom did back in the day and says that ima follow in her foot steps. She says I'm going to be a drug addict, alcoholic, a single parent and swears that I'm pregnant even though I've never done anything before. I have really bad anxiety to the point where I will start shaking bad, throw up and be unable to breathe until I calm myself down. I asked to go get officially diagnosed so I can get medication but she says I'm wanting attention and there's nothing wrong with me (hence why she says I'm pregnant) She constantly picks on my flaws and insecurities (especially my weight bc I actually have meat on my bones and her kids and skinny and also my stuttering and mispronunciation when I get anxious) and compares me to her kids with their achievements and swears that I will amount to nothing. Okay so the oldest is 26 and shes still lives here and has no job, shes a compulsive liar and just lies on me continously for no reason and since I'm not blood, I dont get believed and berated for something I didnt even do (they sometimes get really mad and put their hands on me and pull my hair). I try to talk to my dad about everything that's going on but he works 7pm-7am so when he comes home, he doesn't want to hear it but when he actually let's me speak, he doesn't really care and is on their side. Even though I'm 18, I'm not in control of my life; I'm not allowed to leave to hangout with friends, not allowed to basically do anything; I had to beg to dye my hair and pierce my nose even though I was graduated and it was my own money. I couldnt even invite who I wanted to my own graduation so my brother couldnt come and she made me cry and feel bad about the fact that I wanted him to go. I was even forced to quit college 3 days before classes started. I had a job at McDonald's for a few days but had to quit because I had a really bad anxiety attack and since I no longer have a job, I get shit on for it. Okay okay okay so basically the 26 year old lied again and I finally stepped up and defended myself (I never defend myself bc I dont like confrontation and it makes my anxiety raise quickly and I cant handle people yelling at me) and it made everything worse. They ganged up on me and to put a long story short, I have until the 15th of December to get out. Idk what I'm going to do considering I have nowhere to go, I'm going to try to speak to my dad about it when he gets off in the morning but I doubt anything is going to change. It gets alot deeper but I dont really feel comfortable speaking about it but just know, it's bad.

I'm sorry that you all read this, I hope the rest of your day or night is good :) <3333

I really dont want to take a break but I might not have a choice, I'm sorry.

#honeybakedthatch rambles

[willys-wittle-willy]

I'm sorry

Let me just say from the bottom of my heart I am sorry,I'm shaking right now I am truly sorry to everyone who I have hurt or upset. For years I have been lying about things online,I compulsively do it,I also have no reason to do it,I lie and I lie and I always end up hurting others due to my lying but who I am really isn't anything,we do go by Connor or William,we are all nonbinary and not straight, I am autistic and I do ship pedophilla/abuse/incest/etc and I do feel bad for everything,I've been wanting to make this apology for a while and I just I mess up,there is no excuse for me to be lying and for me to go out of my way to hurt others,I don't have an excuse I dont have a fucking reasons I'm just fucking retatrded,I fucked everything up,Since 2018 I have been lying about my age,I have been telling others I am older than I'm actually am,I am around the age of 14-16 and I am so so fucking sorry,I don't know why I wanted people to think I was some creep,I do have bad and disgusting thoughts about hurting people my age but me as older than i am and it make me sick and I am sorry,I don't know why I did anything,I want way to fucking far,Anyone who angrily messgae me I sent them ns//fw art and I am sorry,I don't know why I did that I truly don't and I'm done lying,I'm done hurting others and I'm just done,I have no life,I have no personality nothing about me is interesting and I am sorry,like genuinely sorry ,we fucke dup and I know it and I can't fucking fix anything it's all out of my control and hands and there nothing I can really do besides simply saying I'm sorry and I will be archiving the edits I made and I will no longer will be using others art and I might stop wiriting and I'm so sorry,I just meant to make some people mad and cause some kind of chaos just for fun but than my ex messaged me and we started talking and I started getting feelings for her so I didn't want to drop the act I had,I am not blaming her ,she did nothing wrong and I am sorry,I never meant to hurt you or anyone,and I lied and I lied and I feel shittiy about it I feel horrible terrible and empty and numb and I am sorry,I use to do other really cruel things to others for attetion for something to happen I can't explain because I have no true reasons behind any of this but the guilt is killing me and I can't stop thinking about all the people and no one has to belive me and no one had to trust me or forgive me or tell me they feel bad for me because I am in the wrong,I am in the wrong and I cause all of these problems for no reason and I can't explain it,I can't explain my thought process I truly cannot and I am truly truly truly so sorry,I am sorry for all the people ptsd and tramua I triggered I am sorry for everyone who I made uncomfortable and I'm sorry to my ex for abusing you ,I really didnt mean to and I am sorry to anyone else I hurt , I'm done with hurting people I'm done with upsetting others and I am done,simple as that I am done causing others pain and I am done,I am sorry and I will no longer interact with anyone who I have hurt and I will simply keep to myself and I am sorry,I might disapper for a while but will answer dm andnshit and just I'm sorry,I over stepped so many lines and boundries and I just hurt others and I dont have an excuse sure I'm I'm tramuatized but that doesn't excuse anything and I am sorry Like so fucking sorry and I am the only one in the wrong and I am the only one who needs to face consequences and I am just sorry and I just can't keep lying to others and I am sorry for everything,I use to go by arrow on here and fuck if you remember all that drama then yeah that me and that my real age I just can't lie anymore,,,and I dont epxect you all to belive me and that ok,,just know I am sorry and that I will be stopping

@williamizgay @foxybroz @sisterlocationz

@squipjer-shippers-safe-space

[trohpi]

hi so i dont want to sound rude, but i will be talking about ocd and asking questions about it and if i sound uneducated please tell me. it is not my intention to be rude.

anyways so my mom was talking about asparagus that my aunt had made for an easter dinner, and she asked “does it bother anyone else that the asparagus isnt all facing the same direction?” and we made a joke about it because she is a perfectionist.

then my aunt said “aimee thats where you get it from” and i asked “my perfectionism?” and my aunt chuckled and said “lets call it that, sure” and my mom said “its ocd.” so naturally i ask her if shes been diagnosed and she says no, and i ask her if she really does have it, because even i, a non-ocd person, get bothered when people use the term ocd incorrectly.

so she said no and i asked her why she thinks she does, so she gives me an example that if my aunt were to say she had mixed up the asparagus in the fridge and made it not all point in the same direction before she left, that my mom would go and fix it or she would feel uncomfy. and i told her that just sounds like perfectionism, which i do have, and she said its more than that.

so i said that i thought that ocd means you have a compulsion to do/say/etc a certain thing a certain number of times or else you feel in danger or something along those lines (please correct me if im wrong), and unless she was diagnosed by a doctor, it just sounds like perfectionism to me

so my family started bashing on me, and asking me where i got my masters, and my aunt even said “so if you arent diagnosed with cancer, you dont have it?” and i tried to explain but they didnt listen

anyways i just wanted to know if yall think my mom has ocd, and whether i am wrong or not. keep in mind that i may have gotten somethings wrong and i apologize if i did, this is just my understanding of ocd. love yall ❤️❤️

#ocd

[bipolarandocd]

Here I have wrote an insight on my own experience with obsessions and OCD

I once was told by my therapist that you can be addicted to anything such as drugs,alcohol,ciggerettes and believe it or not sex!

In the past years i have had many different obsessions/addictions that i didnt know how to control and i didnt realise i was addicted to certain things including becomming obsessed with one hobby then losing intrested after a certain time and then another different hobby comes along and i obsess about that.

When i have this main addiction at the time, i can not stop thinking of the subject. for example i suddenly had high intrest in baking cupcakes! i hate cooking and i never thought id become intrested in baking cakes at all. I researched from how to bake to what ingrediants i needed and apliances to be able to bake. everytime i was googling and researching and watching youtube videos on baking cakes i was feeling a high energetic feeling, like i was buzzing and i couldnt stop thinking of what i want to do with this hobby. i was up till late at night losing sleep constantly obsessing over baking cakes. Pay day come and that was it, all my money went on what i needed to buy to bake, and i started to bake for couple weeks and spending money on this intrest without thinking of the consequenses of having to pay bills ect.

I was feeling good i had adrenaline and was happy but the same time if i didnt act on this urge to spend on this hobby and act on it id feel aggitated and restless! i had no control how to stop the urge! i was ADDICTED.

After a little while maybe a month later I lost all intrest in baking! id wasted time and much money on something i no longer had intrest in. the high feeling the buzz and adrenaline had gone.

Another day comes and again another addiction/obsession comes along!

this time its art and crafts, im definatly not creative and never had intrest before but once again this pattern like the baking comes along and the high feeling buzzing and adrenaline is back for the arts and crafts, money wasted and time because again after a while the intrest goes.

Iv had many obsessions such as joing the gym, learning to play piano and then guitar. wanting to become a councillor/mentor even studyed at home and passed the course for councilling yet again after time i didnt want to become this!

Items iv also obsessed about and had strong intense urges to buy whatever it was i had to buy to keep the feeling i had inside to make me feel good. its like a drug, something i obsess about was keeping me high and excited and i had to act on this to keep the good feeling.

I was even once addicted to dating sites! i was getting adrenaline from joining up and making profiles to searching people and messaging. i couldnt come off the applications and i could not stop the urge to search the profiles and messages, this took over alot of my time and i didnt understand why this was happening and why i was feeling a good adrenaline over dating applications. This addiction took a long time for me to stop and realise it was the longest obsession i had. i still dont understand how this become an addiction.

I now somehow understand how people who are gambelers feel and have no control how to fight the urge to not step foot in the bookies.

When you dont act on the compulsion towards the obsession then your going to feel awful, aggitated, restless, angry and feel your going to lose your mind. its all you think about, theres nothing else you want to do and its impossible to concerntrate on anything else other than wanting to go into the bookies and gamble! its not just the feeling you believe you will win, its the feelings of adrenaline and intense high feelings of happy and excitement from walking thru that door to placing the bet and waiting for the outcome, but when you lose of course you are down, you lose money and are overwhelmed with guilt! the same feelings i get when i dont act on something i obsess over or addicted to.

Paranoia become a problem for me and its an uncontrollable and disturbing thought I have that is intrusive and I know I wont act on this thought but the feeling I get is intense and impossible to stop the thought and I start to avoid doing things to stop being scared. Standing at the train station waiting for my train to arrive and I see ahead its arriving and my mind instantly pictures myself jumping in front of this train and I'm confused and petrified of this thought and scared but also distressed because I know I wont act on this and I'm scared to look at the train coming towards me so I look away until its stopped! have a fear of sleeping because if I do I believe someone will come into my home to come upstairs to my bedroom and attack me, the longer my eyes are closed my mind visions someone getting closer and closer to me, once I open my eyes this vision is gone and I'm safe.

I have a son aged 14 also with ocd and paranoia and his feeling controlled by his thoughts to do actions he never did before. At at young age around 4years old he would ask for help to put his shoes on and I'd attend and grab the right shoe to put on for him and in a sudden moment he would scream, beg and beg for me to put the left shoe on first, I never understood why. I'd ask why and what's wrong and ask him to calm down because he was extremely aggitated and stressed but, once I changed the right shoe for the left his response stopped and was calm and I could see the change how relaxed he was. This went on for months and I thought 1st he was just trying to control me and want to get attention when in fact he didnt have control of himself for this and it was a behaviour from his OCD that took me a while to realise!. After maybe one year this shoe problem having to be the left put on first stopped but, then come another pattern and thought in his mind that again took over not just him but took me in too.

Night time was bedtime story, we sit together in my sons bed and I'd open the first page and start to read aloud to him. A few pages in I'd start to read the page for my son to suddenly become very aggressive and tell me to read that sentence again because it's wrong, I re read the sentence in the same tone I did before. Again with aggression and crying he beg me to repeat and said it's wrong how I said it. After having this problem many times eventually i said the sentence in a way that calmed him down and made him relax and i could continue the book. It wasnt until after researching and seeing his doctors this was all OCD behaviour in which if I didnt say the sentence in a certain tone then he would feel uncomfortable and have to force me to re read it for him to feel safe!. Never did I think this would be an OCD problem but it was. Night time bedtime stories was very difficult for us.

After sometime this OCD pattern with my son vanished but, another appeared. Once I tuck my son to bed and kiss him good night I would walk away but then he would suddenly shout to me to touch the top of his duvet! Now bare in mind on this time I thought OCD was about cleaning hands or things in order so when I'm having all these orders from a 4 or 5 year old this is looking like he wants control over me and to do what he wants and if I dont do it he will go crazy!

To keep him from being angry and crying fter refusing to do what I'm ordered to, I'd do what he wanted so I'd turn back towards him in bed and i would do what he ordered to tap the top of his duvet. Would you believe just by doing this demand he stopped suddenly crying and being angry to being able to lay down and relax.

Can you see here theres a pattern of not just my son being distressed but I am too because I didnt know what this was about and I'm told by others his trying to control me but as a mum I had something telling me it's something more but what?!

Il never forget the time my son would arrive in the evenings from being with his dad the weekend friday to sunday. Around 7pm sunday evenings every week my son would arrive back home in his dads car straight to the front door.

I'd hear the car arrive and I'd open my house front door before my son got out the car. Well this started to become a problem for my son because he wanted to knock on the door before I opened it! Why? I asked him and my son couldn't explain the reason but again become angry, hitting me, shouting, crying and begging me to shut the front door and let him knock. In this time I refuse to feel controlled and said "no". But there was no calming my child at all. He was going red in the face, shaking, and very very aggitated. What else can I do but to now let him take control and I now close the door and let him knock first and I open the door after? Can you see the controll this OCD had not just over my son but now I'm involved and controlled by it.

Either way I had no choice but to re do the task by closing the door and letting him knock for me to then open again. Instantly he again was calm and able to walk into the home! Again I'm shocked how quickly just doing that demand would make him change so fast and change.

Now by my own experience and understanding through research too after many years and I had little knowledge of OCD but these behaviours from myself and my son wasnt what I expected and have learnt that this was OCD.

We see the behaviour first and our compulsion to act on what we feel at the time of what our thoughts are telling us and having to have no control over this and noone to understand what was going on inside our minds but, noone knows or understands the feelings what we have and the intense anger inside ourselves and as much was keeping our attention and distract us from other things to have no choice but to act on this feeling and do the compulsive behaviour to make one feel safe and secure and comfortable in ourselves.

Not only was my son being controlled but so was I

OCD has come to us both in diffrent forms and mostly in times of stress or anxiety. Also it manages to change from one obsession to another. And the compulsions change .

[fictionalboysarejustbetter]

Friendships from Afar

Distance creates a barrier of trust. There are no worries. There is always a safety net to fall back on that protects from hurt or pain. Beginning in second grade, my personal goal had always been to find a singular, perfect friend who lives far away. We could talk openly with each other, and I would have the ability to be myself. The plan is that years later, I would meet this person in the weirdest of circumstances, and we would be best friends forever. It’s even better if this friend is a guy, so then we can both fall in love and get married to live happily ever after.

In second grade, the entire class received school pen pals, and while my fourth-grade pen pal was not ideal, I knew I loved this “secret” letter writing system where I am just Rebecca, nothing more or less. Moving into fifth grade, Mrs. Smith found me a pen pal from China. Through our teachers, we would send each other letters back and forth until the school year was over. From this moment onward, I was hooked; pen pals didn’t care what I looked like or how shy I was or how involved my mother was with the school, I could just be me, and they only knew the information I told them. Without asking for help, I scavenged through the internet, trying to collect pen pals as if they were Webkinz. I was convinced this perfect friend could only be found on pen pal websites that look like they were made by my fellow fifth graders.

Starting in sixth grade, I would spend night after night stalking the profiles of random teenagers on Students of the World, a supposedly “safe” pen pal website for kids. Gender? Who cares. Age? About 10-16. Likes? Reading, of course. Language? English please. I would then press search and sift through hundreds of profiles, finding the perfect candidates to be my best friend. This process was extremely predictable, including:

The teenage boys “looking” for a relationship:

Nathaniel, Age 14, UK

HOBBIES:

Photo

Trips

Cinema, Television

Sports

Reading

Painting, Drawing, Art

Hi! Are you looking for a cool guy to write to? Send me a nice message otherwise you’ll miss something priceless. 

I can speak:

English, French

The liars that claimed they like everything and speak every language:

Janhvi, Age 16, USA

HOBBIES:

Photo

Trips

Clothes

Cinema, Television

Sports

Sciences

Music

Reading

Animals, Nature

Cooking

Collections

Painting, Drawing, Art

Hello !!👩I'm Janhvi .I like to travel.I have traveled in to many countries .Such as india , sri lanka, china, france and more.I like make new friends.message me soon guys.👭👫OUR LIFE IS CHANGE , BUT FRIENDSHIP NEVER BE CHANGE.

I can speak:

English French German Italian Spanish Arabic Chinese Japanese Korean

The students making a profile for class:

Chaya, Age 13, USA

HOBBIES:

Clothes

Cinema, Television

Music

Reading

Animals, Nature

I am looking for a penpal for our school project. I would like to find some in Atlanta, Georgia.

I can speak:

English

I would scroll through these profiles so constantly that I rarely found new profiles. I was judging every profile based off of the person’s name, biography, age, likes, languages, everything. Most people without a profile picture wouldn’t receive an email from me. I tried to avoid messaging anyone from the United States unless they sounded like a major fangirl or fanboy over the books I liked. I automatically favored anyone from Europe, especially if they had an interesting name. But regardless if anyone from anywhere sent me a message first, I would respond back at least once.

Shortly after the search began, I received a message from a girl named Julia from Australia. She and I were the same age, we both needed a friend, and we both liked reading, animals, music, and clothes. Quickly, my life began to revolve around the fourteen hours that always stood between Australia and the United States. Throughout sixth and seventh grade, we would be constantly messaging on the messaging app “kik,” confiding everything deep and useless to each other like best friends do:

Becca says:

Hey, how are you?

Julia says:

Everyones well... Mum and dad start the long drive to melbourne this weekend so everythings kinda topsy turvy :p

How is your family and pets? Im sorry for my rudeness that i didnt ask earlier

Nearlytime for school?

Becca says:

Lol that is fine! I get to school around 8, so normally ill drop off right before, lol i try to remember to tell you but i tend to forget. Theyre good though. Willie and Apricot are happy my grandma left :-P mom and dad are helping me with my ancestry project and exploding of happiness because I got a position in that volleyball club and my sister has been working and spending money :-P her favorite thing to do

Julia says:

Ahh the christmas spirit... Lol is there anyone in the house who loves your grandmother?

Becca says:

Lol we love her because shes family, but no one loves her when shes here if you know what i mean.

What’s up?

For two years, the conversations would continue for hours, as we both wait anxiously for the “ding” on our tablets, indicating a new message. Julia’s father was a firefighter who fought the nasty bushfires that haunted their country. I interviewed him as my hero for my final paper and presentation in my eighth grade English class. I interviewed him through email after our initial plans to Skype were sidetracked by the active wildfires, and I so proudly presented the information about him that you would have thought he was my father.

One day, Julia told me about her divorced parents. Then, she told me about the twins her mom just gave birth to. Then, she explained that she actually has a twin brother and no younger siblings at all. Then, she became an aunt to twin nephews. Then, her house burned down, and she had to move across the country. Then, her parents just moved across town. The stories continued and continued only within months of each other, not adding up in any way, shape, or form. With hope still in my heart, I sent her all three books of The Hunger Games trilogy since she really wanted to read them, but two months later, the books came back in the mail as undeliverable. The address did not exist.

Unable to admit defeat or accept the idea that my best friend might not be real despite all of the evidence, I started to panic. What if she is catfishing me? I’ve seen that show before, and I even gave “her” my address. Whoever this person is could easily come to my house and kidnap me...maybe I should tell my mom and warn the police. But maybe, she just has a really hard life, and she compulsively lies to make herself feel better? Maybe, she just really wants attention, and that’s why none of her stories are adding up. Besides it could still be her, she may just be scared. She could have just lied and is younger than she said and is trying to sound cool to impress me.

With these panicked thoughts raging through my body like wildfire, I blocked her from kik and began to ignore her emails. I forced myself to just disappear, so then I would have nothing to worry about. I cannot trust that Julia is really Julia, so I will just watch “her” occasional emails come in, analyzing from afar who “she” may be. I’ll search for her on Google and Facebook and Instagram and Students of the World and anywhere else I can look. The emails would keep coming for years and years, but they never held much content to them, and I’m still left to question who “Julia” is.

My Julia investigation was stalled for now, and the void of not having a constant penpal to talk to quickly came back. Therefore, my search to find the perfect best friend needed to be expedited since Julia was certainly not cut out for the position. I continued to search Students of the World with my new smartphone every chance I had. In between games at volleyball competitions, Hope and I could be found by the nearest outlet on my phone, scouring the website for the perfect answers within someone’s profile. We would send out messages together to the nerdy fangirls and fanboys around our age. Every day during the bus ride home from school, Jenna and I looked through the website on our phones, judging everyone’s biographies and pictures. Jenna created a profile too, and we would have three-way Skype sessions with Sylvia from France until the two of them became too close and stopped inviting me to Skype with them.

Finally in April of ninth grade, I received a promising email from a 16-year-old boy from France:

To: [email protected] From: [email protected]

My name is Kristopher and Im from France !

I watched a few days ago Divergent and it made me want to read the books !

I see you like tv shows and video games as I do !

I am not fluent in English but I can talk to you !

If you want I can learn you French ! :)

Typically, I would spend about twenty minutes every day responding to emails from random penpals on my way home from school, but within the first three or so emails to a person, one of us would just stop responding. In regard to Kris, I generally liked video games, but I wasn’t obsessed with them, and I had a weird taste in TV, so we probably couldn’t talk about that much. But Divergent by Veronica Roth was my all-time favorite book. As soon as I read that word in the email, I knew I would be responding until he stopped responding to me. It had always been my goal to fall in love with a fanboy, especially one with the same taste in books and movies as me, so I immediately responded with:

To: [email protected] From: [email protected]

Hi Kristopher!

What part of France are you from? I live near Pittsburgh, PA, USA.

Yes, definitely read the books! They are amazing! I find myself gravitating towards video games and shows more than sports! :P

I don't know much of French as I take Spanish in school, but I'd love to learn some and help you with English as well!

Rebecca

He emailed me back within minutes, and we emailed for most of the evening, talking about books and food and the differences between the United States and France. That night though, my phone battery had died, and it was only for a few hours. After plugging it in, I found five unread messages from him, making sure I was okay.

To: [email protected] From: [email protected]

Lol it works ! :) Good courage to go back to school ! :)

To: [email protected] From: [email protected]

Hey sweetie 😆

To: [email protected] From: [email protected]

How are you Miss ?

To: [email protected] From: [email protected]

Do You use words like ain't or gonna ? 😆

To: [email protected] From: [email protected]

Are you OK ?

As soon as I read these messages, my heart fluttered a little. This was just the beginning of our constant messaging and talking. I happily responded to him, and within days, Kris was my perfect, new best friend. The random space he left between the last word and the punctuation of a sentence would drive me insane, but I didn’t have the heart to explain the process to him. We talked so consistently that it would probably be considered unhealthy, discussing pets, family, being the youngest child, aspirations, atheism, languages, food, books, video games, and everything else under the sun. I was stuck to my phone all day, and every time I picked it up, I waited in anticipation for a notification with his name and the random spaces between his words and the punctuation.

The six-hour time difference between the two of us meant nothing, with him staying up late and me getting up early. Between classes, we would sneak each other messages about how our days were going. My week-long field trip to San Antonio, Texas was spent either messaging him or scouting out an outlet to plug my phone into so that I could talk to him. The more access I had to Kris, the further I distanced myself from my friends and family. When my phone would die or I wouldn’t have reception, I would look around, annoyed by whoever the people around me were. Kris was the perfect friend I always wanted; he was my best friend, and I was his. Neither of us needed anyone else, and hopefully, all of our talking and flirting would lead to love which would lead to marriage.

The summer before tenth grade came, and Kris seemed to be growing distant. Supposedly, he was travelling all summer, and he would rarely have access to wifi. I counted down the days until he would be back home, and after one measly conversation, he disappeared again. I sent message after message, finally receiving a response about his brother pushing him in the pool and his phone being in his pocket at the time, so it was destroyed. The summer seemed to be surrounded by disappointment, but hopefully when we went back to school, our relationship would continue to be as strong as it was before.

Tenth grade began, and Kris was still busy all the time. Apparently if he kept up his hard work, he would be valedictorian. Since I couldn’t spend lunch chatting with him anymore, I bragged that I was basically dating this amazing French guy who is valedictorian at his school. Until October hit, and then I would receive the dreadful message that he has a girlfriend. Ironically, this only made our conversation stronger than it had ever been, and he even picked out my new haircut, sending me endless compliments on it. The next day, he sent another message, explaining that his girlfriend didn’t want us talking anymore so it would probably be best if we just stopped. I was bad at listening to these directions, following this conversation up with many, many new messages in attempts to strike a conversation with him again. These messages earned me a nice block from Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat.

My only method of contact would now be email, so night after night instead of stalking Students of the World for new pen pals, I would send Kris emails. I now began to understand that feeling that I caused upon Julia, who may or may not have been Julia. Throughout October and November, I received a few responses that sounded like an automatic email reply, but one email in mid-November stood out, as it was one of the last ones I would receive from him.

To: [email protected] From: [email protected]

Hello Becca,

I did act stupid and didn’t answer your messages at all. When I emailed you first, I never thought our friendship would get that strong !

Guess what, there used to be a time I was really in love with you, but I haven’t dared say so … The one biggest reason was the 6000 km that stand between us ! You were the one I loved talking to ! So I talked to you and you never waited to answer and neither did I.

I don’t know, something went wrong, time changed, I’m sorry I haven’t answered you for long, this is all my bad. I wish I could go back to past to fix this.

This message will never ever be able to patch things up, but it (I hope ) will tell you that I never forgot you .

My mother would tell me time and time again that any type of relationship separated by physical distance would never work. I had never believed her, but after receiving this email, I understood. Why had I ever believed that the perfect friendship would be through time differences of at least five hours? These relationships do not automatically create a barrier of trust, often making it even harder to trust. There are always going to be worries about who that person is and what their intentions are. There is no safety net to keep you from being hurt or feeling pain. Once there is a roadblock within your barrier of communication, you cannot simply get it back after running into each other at Walmart or flashing them a fake smile as you pass them in the hallway at school. As soon as one person blocks the other or the number of unread emails increases substantially over months, that person is gone forever.

#penpals #love #lost love #memoir #longdistance #oops I fell in love with my penpal #those French boys

[blookmallow]

ok so the last time i started skyrim i was playing on... my. now ex’s switch, so uh. rip to that save file but THEN my dad got me my OWN switch skyrim so now i FOR REAL have it actually, medea the dark elf is REBORN

-----

i dont remember exactly how i had her before but here she is i love her intensely 

my general concept so far is she woke up on the cart in the intro with almost total amnesia, she remembers her name and very little else, doesn’t know what she did to wind up on death row, knows nothing about the politics of skyrim and is very hesitant to trust anyone or align herself with anyone because of that lack of memory/lack of knowledge. knows she is a dark elf, but has no memory of her past or her people; still feels drawn to other elves and more liable to trust them. cautious of nords. trusts women faster than men. definitely a lesbian. 

she is obsessed with Learning, she desperately wants to remember or at least rediscover who she is, if she even has any history or family, anything, so she’s gathering information from the people she meets and gradually collecting as many books as she can find, somewhat compulsively. not in the regular habit of stealing from innocent people but cant resist an unguarded book 

she has a severe lack of social skills or understanding of morality but a general desire to do right; won’t go out of her way to make friends but is generally kind and willing to help (if unsettling and quiet) unless provoked. has no hesitation to fight back if she is provoked, though. killing comes very easily to her but she has no desire to harm people who haven’t done anything to deserve it 

im mostly investing in stealth stats/strategies so far but i also have No Idea what im doing lmao 

i didnt understand how to equip things at first and somehow ended up with TWO swords for a while :’ )

oh i absolutely will

how come i cant pick up most skulls.... i see skeletons and skulls around all the time and i can usually search skeletons for coins or whatever but really rarely can actually take the skulls.... why.... let me have 600 skulls

i am definitely going to collect as many as i can find though i cant wait until i get a house 

so the last time i played i just kind of ran off in a random direction and ended up finding a town full of graves which was excellent and im hoping to find it again but i decided to have a little more structure going into it this time, followed after hadvar to see if he was actually going somewhere or if he would just like, disappear after a while 

turned out he was heading home to riverwood, and at first was pretty “ok it’s time for us to go our separate ways” toward me but seemed pleased that i decided to come with him after a while

he encouraged me to join the imperial legion but i dont really know what that means yet or what the hell the political situation in this game is so i dont rly want to align with anyone until i understand the conflict (hence medea’s amnesia about the whole thing) 

but apparently those are the people who wanted to kill me, so, nah :’) 

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID... i dont know if it just Wasn’t Explained or if i wasnt paying close enough attention but i have no idea why i was in line to be executed :’  ) 

good. i like this one 

hm. gross 

is. this guy ok 

ooooooo... spooky 

h....hm. probably a bad idea,

ah. i see

this is definitely cursed gold but im taking it anyway 

this is some indiana jones shit and i am LIVING for it 

#lucy plays skyrim