#and theres still a part of me that knows itll hurt me and that wants to just keep getting hurt

[saddlepunk]

my problem is that ive spent so much of my life trying not to cause problems for other people or hurt them in any way and i am Bad At That, but at least when i do it its on /accident/ vs this which feels like itd be a very much on purpose hurt. theres no version of me leaving that DOESNT suck entirely. im sure itll be okay long term but the idea of approaching someone i still love very much and going "i care about you but i dont want this anymore" makes me feel like dying. plus again we live together in a place we can really only afford as a couple and hes only got one semi functioning car bc i managed to wreck his truck and i feel AWFUL about that too, so the timing is bad and it feels like id be fucking him over financially and i just cant *do* that.

i think my only option is gonna be to just... offer to keep paying my half of rent on the place til the lease is up if thats what he wants, and i can send extra for car help and then i can fuck off and do... whatever

ive just never like... lived a life Just For Me where i can move about freely, and i think thats what i want, or as close to that as possible. i dont want Lack of Responsibility or anything, i just want less Restriction. part of me is sure if i just explained all this to him itd be fine and things would change the way i want them to, but the other part of me feels like theres just enough examples of him taking issue w me trying to imply something he does might be Wrong that i think its just... not worth it. do i want to spend the rest of my life fighting a series of incrimental battles to make a good relationship out of a decent one or do i want to just Run. why does doing something that sounds good for me feel so much like a betrayal or a failure somehow. i know realistically- have known the whole time- that my first long term relationship wasnt likely to be my last but actually /doing/ it-

[goremet-chef]

trying to keep my emotions in check is so fucking hard man. like the pain i feel is so intense and real, but i also know i feel it for nothing. AND YET when i acknowledge this, the pain persists anyways!! never reassured properly cuz i can never see to kill the little voice in my head whispering "what if they do though? what if its true?" its so. frustrating its so PAINFUL this shit is slowly killing me man

its like. im scared to be caught in it if it IS true, to the point where ill just. back up and straight up leave sometimes

even when nothing bad has happened, and everyone is normal, even the smallest thing will tip me off and ill start feeling bad. ill start feeling like something happened and everyones upset with me, they like me less, theyre bored of me, annoyed, disgusted, ETC

its so scary man. and the worst part? i will never ever bring it up. ill never talk it through, never make my feelings known because i cant BEAR to make everything about me!!!!!! even if sharing how i feel isnt inherently selfish, ill feel like it is. itll tear me apart. there is no fucking escape!!! if i never say anything, then im leaving mid conversation to go cry in my bathroom and coming back like nothing is bothering me. if i do say something, ill sour the mood. everyone else is always having a good time, how could i just.. RUIN that? because i misinterpreted something and decided suddenly that no one actually likes me and im just.

im stuck in this loop where like. i want to be a good friend, a FUN friend. i dont want people to watch what they say around me, i dont want them to check up on how im doing, i should just be doing GOOD. but im not, i never am. its such bullshit man

why do i have to live so fucking miserably? why do i have to feel this pain, why do i always tear up over seemingly nothing? why is everything so heavy all the time

i hate that im someone who needs some kind of accommodation, i wish so desperately that i was just.. normal. normal enough to not cry like a fucking baby while everyone else is having a good time. i wish i wasnt like this, wish it so fucking badly

i dont make friends with shitty people, all my friends are so cool and sweet but like.. i just cant bring myself to bring it up, ever. i wanna be silly goofy dominic. i want them to love being around me so much that they forget about the unbelievably massive pile of mental issues i have. i want them to forget how easy it is to hurt me, even if its completely unreasonably and stupid

most of the time im successful, cuz ive got a quieter bpd going on. all the feelings are just as intense and suffocating, but i just. keep it all bottled inside, keep it all in the safety of my room. theres no like.

this is the closest ill ever get to sharing. spitting it out into a void because im too cowardly to confront my OWN emotions

i think thats what hurts the worst. i feel so fucking SELFISH. i know everyone has emotions, and id respect and love everybody elses, but mine? nothing makes me feel worse than when people actually care about me. it makes bottling everything up so hard. so hard when they ask if im okay and i have to lie to their face cuz im still not strong enough to confess whats slowly eating my alive

im just too scared of being too much. its like this line that i cant cross. i dont want to be overbearing, i dont want to be so outwardly emotional, i dont want to be VISIBLY MISERABLE to the people who love me, or at least like me enough to stick around.

but im so unsocialized that this is damn near the only way. i wanna be the fun silly goofy friend but the fact of the matter is that im just not. watching me try to participate in any conversation is just.. painful. and i can SEE how painful it is. its embarrassing how bad i am at talking. it only makes things worse, pulls me back from my dream of being someone that people ENJOY speaking to. its sad

even if im not as boring and awkward as i think i am, the fact that i think it alone holds me back. theres been so many times where i just.. bite my tongue and stay quiet even if i have an opportunity to tell a joke or something cuz the voice in the back of my head tells me "what if they dont get it? what if they dont think its funny? what if they only pretend to laugh? how embarrassing would that be?" and its right. i have to like.. silence myself so that i wont ever face any kind of rejection, because if i do itll kill me and ill feel so fucking miserable over it

i wish i didnt live my life this way, but in my head there are very few options, and all of them are bad

#vent #bpd

[red-dyed-sarumane]

what if i went off about some of my favorite songs ever

kyuuyaku hankagai - hiiragi magnetite: everyone knows i love this. i just love everything about it. we really get both sides of the picture story wise with it- both the fact the world is literally, physically getting destroyed, and all of the mental torment the characters are dealing with. it still has that magu series weird wording but it gets everything across that it needs to. the instrumental is just as heavy as the scenario with added dramatics in parts that really make it for me. all the long notes to simulate screaming. the seamless addition of both the nami no ne no & rute furute woa motifs (& a possible 3rd? theres still parts in here i cant figure out yet) makes me so emotional. if u have no idea about the series its still a solid song. 10000/10 i cannot fully express my love for this song in words i just need it on repeat full volume for weeks on end.

ai wo - null: impossible for me to explain why i love this so much without oversharing. i keep telling myself not to rank this song so high but ive never felt so seen before. null's lyrics are both poetic & still hit every raw emotion where it hurts. the whole being left alone ur whole life & wishing it wasnt that way, that everything wasnt so empty, that someone could love u the way u need & never got. i want everyone to hear this song and i also want to gatekeep it. it became so important to me in such a short time & itll be hard to ever rival it

arikitari heroes - 150suzu: im not immune to nostalgia. shuuenpro is executed entirely different to aru sekai series & i have to judge from entirely different criteria & that said i really always loved how this one sort of summarized the series in a way that highlighted all the strife in it & made it subjective rather than an objective summary. the chorus is so high its like theyre crying out which fits entirely. i still have the video embedded in my mind & its been a hot minute since ive watched it. my teenage self thought it was so deep & even with a different perspective now i cant entirely discount those feelings. anyway i still really love it i could still listen to it for weeks on end if i wasnt busy keeping up with other things. i do not say it lightly when i say this is the song i have listened to the most in my entire life i used to spend Months straight listening to it. beloved.

tachiiri kinshi - mafumafu: i was sooooooo normal about this in high school (lying). its still high on my list of breakdown songs. like damn its been 8 years and it still holds up the same. between this & ai wo that just gives away 90% of my problems. imagine solving isolation by letting people in cant be me. anyway i was obsessed with drawing the girl from the video for a while idk how many doodles i still have left but she was Everywhere on my school work. normal person behavior.

jishou mushoku - nekobolo: song that has pulled the most weight in keeping me alive. where would i be without it. sometimes the mood is so bad this is still the only thing i can listen to some days.

rokuchounen to ichiya monogatari - kemu: the real reason i fell down the voca rabbit hole. still adore the song & find it hugely nostalgic, but there was a reason i connected with it when i was younger & being able to recognize how fucked up that was makes it also a painful reminder id rather bury. song fucks tho love how every rhythm game its in will destroy u trying to play it.

konmei no aji - savasti: regardless of the real meaning of the song this will always be a dissociation song to me not in the sense it makes me dissociate but rather in the spaceyness & disconnect it reminds me of the feeling but in a safer way to deal with it. personally i prefer rire's cover

taishou x - yurry canon: u will appreciate this song now right now its so under appreciated for a yurry canon song. god the fucking "i'm still living the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. as it is i will never be you. theres no reason in living, but just the same theres no point in dying is there?" [punching a wall] i like it a normal amount

kaiko no kanmuri - dopam!ne: god this song fucks so hard and yet its still edgy. i dont even really know how to explain what i feel with this one beyond i love it. its a kind of waiting for the right time to strike for revenge kinda song? idk its my absolute fave dopam!ne song i love a lot of his songs but this one just really does it for me

haru no sekibaku - inaba kumori: kutabireta atashi ga dame dattan da ne. yeah. the overall mood of this song hits just right all too often. sorry lag train this is the defining inabakumori song to me.

hyperlexia - yamaji: the space in this one also gives me a sense of vague dissociation. i just really love the whole reading between the lines not going to fall for lies anymore mood its got going on. a misguided sense of personal revolution that probably wont end in anything meaningful but i particularly like the song.

#this is far from extensive but it is relatively in order #i started this for fun & then ended up like ohhh the problems are obvious regardless of how much i say #dont worry about it im the cool fun well adjusted mutual theres no problems to speak of its fine #could also add harumakigohans saikai #if i was doing more than one per artist theres would be quite a few mafumafu songs for sure #but this is enough for now #debated adding jyokyo's wakatteruko-san but i absolutely dont have it in me to admit some things publicly #regarding my relationship with that song #thinking too much & shutting down now byebye

[salsakiyoomi]

Hiyo! congrats on the 1k followers!!

I'm usually a lurker and more active on twt but Ive been easing back into tumblr again to post fandom stuff, theres a niche corner on tumblr where I got comfy in and I happens to find/followed you there! I hope I'll be seeing ur posts around! I want to throw a hat in this event for fun! Thanks for the oppertunity!!

Fandom: Spiderverse/JJK Name: Gato ヾ(•ω•`) About myself: I'm a 5'2/ 160cm, Taurus/Capricorn rising, 24yo bi INTJ-T I'm 88% introverted and I work from home so I don't usually see the sun unless it breaks into my house. I love natural documentary videos and random analyzes videos on yt if they last more than 2 hours (play in bg while I'm working) My taste in music is whatever yt auto play next, I'll listen to J-Rock, Kpop, indie to folk but I will also work in complete silence for 8 hours straight if i forgot to put on anything. ( the grind dont stop )

I'm pretty easy going and I definitely know what I'm doing @ work, I love to show people the rope if needed. Anything kind of socialize outside my job, I'll run out of wits. I've never flirt my entire life and I won't start now ( I might be aroace but its debatable lol)

Ideal type: My type of guy and gal is definitely the no-nonsense one who tell me straight up what they want. I can't say I'll give them the same treatment tho I'm not always honest with myself :))) but I'm deeply devoted and I don't do anything half way.

It's very difficult for me not to challenge any kind of authority figure on sign, I'm allergic to condescending people. Still I find assertive people very……..hot!! (please pair me up with one, itll be so funny)

Season: whenever it rain! Summer, late autumn Favorite trope: Shared room! team up! Hurt/Comfort, maybe a truce? or 'we both stuck between a rock and each other and we might not get out alive'

HONEYMOON MATCHUP WITH : MIGUEL O'HARA

— honeymoon :

– miguel was an asshole, a certified one at that — your first day at hq wasn't very thrilling with him throwing you nasty looks left and right, the worst part is, he didn't actually say anything rude or mean to you, but he wasn't all that friendly either, so when you came up to him with a scowl on your face and demanding that he tells you why he keeps looking at you like you just spilled the milk over, he simply looked you up and down and said something along the lines of 'just get back to work' not really offering much context or explanation before leaving you to head back to his 'office' and from that day on, you were sworn enemies — you couldn't stand his authority figure persona and he couldn't stand your stubborn self because you never abided by his rules, so everyday was to you was a back and forth argument with him, and it didn't help that you'd get paired up with him for alot of missions — talk about bad luck.

– slowly but surely, the two of you eased up to eachother, yeah it took like nine months but it worked out — your arguments started to turn from actual heated conversations to more of a fun back and forth bickering — miguel would deny it any moment you or anyone would ask him about it, say something about how he thinks it's annoying but the small grin on his face when he talks to you doesn't go unnoticed, no matter how much he tries to hide it — yeah, he's a tough shell, closed off and repulsive but he isn't all that bad after all, at least that how you were starting to see him — like hey, he brought you empanadas from the cafeteria with him, he doesn't do that with anybody else.

– soon enough, it's been a year and a half since miguel has known you — you still don't really know him that much but you settled for a truce and you warmed up to eachother. the day came where your walls were broken down and the rain was pouring over your head, seemingly amplifying your bad mood because it felt like such a cliche for it to heavy pour on the day you felt at your worst — but you were soon shielded from the icy cold droplets when an umbrella came over your head, and surely enough it was miguel who was holding it, he threw you a glance, his face the usual blank expression he worse but his eyes were soft, he mumbled something about 'don't want you catching a cold, you have a mission tomorrow' and the rest of the walk to your place was in silence, not the heavy kind, miguel wasn't a talker after all, but you appreciated his presence — no matter how silent it was, it was still comforting.

what's on the radio : art deco, lana del rey

a/n : had to pair your up with miguel after you said you didn't like authority figures 😭 i like a good enemies to lovers — although it's more like office drama but whatever — THE NAME GATO IS SO CUTE I LOVE IT SHSJWJSK, and yes so true the grind don't stop 💪💪 must keep going no matter what's the circumstances are ✊✊ i love miguel sm too also look at the way he's lowkey pouting in the second pic he literally looks >:c ahhhwhee i wanna play with his cheeks 😭 tysm for the request gato, hope this did you justice i also really love your blog <33

#i love your request sm omg dudee #also im a taurus too 😭 #april baby #🤝🤝 #1k event matchup #1k milestone #honeymoon match up event #atsv #atsv matchups #atsv miguel #miguel headcanons #spiderman 2099 headcanons #atsv headcanons

[rose022]

based on my last post!

the character that made me think of that is rei from im in love with the villainess and while i dont think im caught up with the comic anymore i read a lot of it and even parts of the novel when i first got into it. for those who dont know this girl gets isekaied into a video game she loved where her fav character was the villainess and she now tries to woo her. when you start the series, you think of her as just a silly and outgoing character but the thing is, its all an act. thats what gets me. like yes she really goes love claire but shes a lesbian and the character she knew in the game had one crush on a guy- she knows she had no chance. and so shes obnoxious about her advances. she makes herself into a joke because she believes then itll hurt less when shes inevitably rejected and pushed away and when people once again find her to be gross and weird. but! she still has a friend who enjoys her company and while claire is thrown off by rei (understandably) she also doesnt actually hate her or genuinely tell her that shes gross. and so when someone else comes to steal claire and rei gets jealous, the other person confronts her about this. that shes not genuinely trying to win over claire. so yeah idk that just gets me, plus the way they talk about and handle queer themes is really good (though warning in the manga there is a part with incest from what i remember. its nothingg big but i wanna say in case someone needs to avoid that.)

and now. the character i mass rbed last night, my beloved Sasha Tartt from the antagonist's pet. she was also isekaied into one of these romantic fantasy stories but shes not one of the main characters or anything, just some random nobody that barely had a line mentioning her. so she decides to avoid them and live peacefully. and she figures out that even tho no one cares abt her cus shes that much of a nobody, she can still get sweets and good stuff by sucking up to these nobles by, quite sincerely, acting like a pet. shes cute and people like to feed her treats and give her pets but they also dont view her as equal to them. shes just selling herself. and the worst part is that because nobles are taught to supress their feelings and always be poised and dignified, they can never show their emotions nor do they know how to deal with them. and so, she allows people to take it out on her. telling her about their problems, yelling, and attacking her. she says she doesnt mind this because she still gets pets and sweets. but shes not a person to these people, no matter how much she compliments them and helps them with their issues. and theres also all the people who talk bad about her for doing this and having no pride. whats even worse is that she has this habit of bitting her thumb til it bleeds when shes nervous or worried. shes keeps thinking about her past life too so she wants to take advantage of everything good here but it comes at the cost of herself.

oughh i wanna reread it now... also i very much recommend this one but tbh i dont like how it ends and i can do a whole lil rant abt that too but ill save it for another time. i doibt anyones even gonna read this one

#rose rambles #i want someway to tag this hmm #rose analysis #sure #if you actually read all that you get bonus points #how about 2 points

[starfruit-baby]

What is the difference between Leo Manfred and Gavin Reed in your opinion? Like, why do you think Leo is worthy of redemption and not Gavin?

I don't like Gavin, and I didn't like Leo either, but your posts are making me think

in retrospect, i guess 'redeemable' wasnt the right word and im sorry for using it, since technically, as far as canon is concerned, we never see concrete proof he truly sees androids as equals, much less regrets any harm done by his own hands and words. right now i think the word i could use would be "sympathetic", since what we CAN do is walk through his backstory, and connect the dots from his life to his current thinking, even if it doesn't necessarily excuse his actions, far from even. by now im gonna be talking from an utterly biased perspective so its not quite set in stone, im prone to fucking up what is or isnt canon or weighing in personal judgement from My preferences, so just a heads up, but going a little more into it:

like, putting yourself in his shoes, he was a child of a fling, and his rich father although comfortable enough to openly claim him, did not bother to visit him personally until he was a teenager, an already difficult phase for the average person, only to be met with scorn because by this time in his life, he found solace in the wrong crowd and vices. and from this point on trying to get closer to his father is useless because of something so difficult to change in yourself.

and then, once disabled, Carl gets a machine to help him around, which is normal at this point in time. but, as the game makes it seem at least, carls whole behaviour changes gradually, because he talks to markus, and this angry (at least as far as Leo is aware), pessimistic old man is caught smiling, because of this machine. he chats with it. and now, hes walking into his father guiding this thing into his fathers very passion. this, as far as Leo is concerned, common object, a household facility like a toaster, is getting lessoned proudly by his father, who loses all the shine in his eyes once he walks in, goes back to his sarcastic, bitter old tone, and will grow aggressive if you even speak ill of the thing. and, later on, Carl talks about his own son as if he's not there in the room, ordering around his toaster to deal with you as if to not get his hands dirty. dirty with You being in his way. his own blood.

now, again, does this excuse his behavior? nope. even in the belief that Markus is truly an unfeeling object, at the very last moment before Markus is forced to decide between obeying or not, he starts referring towards Markus as something that could be physically hurt, and emotionally provoked. where previously his mockery of Markus felt more about provoking his father, not addressing Markus directly, the time he decides to pick a fight with Markus he's talking TO him. hes speaking as if this theoretically unfeeling being could either fear or be angry at him (which turns out, he can), but its difficult to tell if hes under some sort of influence or not, or if this egging on is still in part more to dash back his frustrations at Carl in a less direct manner. his love for the old man stops him from wanting to lay a hand on him, but he knows with how clear the guy makes it he cares for this android, how he yells, itll still inflict Something to tear this thing apart.

now, i may be wrong here, and im real sorry if i sound like a douche for it, but i dont personally consider too much the actors headcanons as full canon, and Gavins background according to the game is really uh... unclear? i can understand how people get to the conclusion his workplace ambition is what makes him hate androids, hell do Anything to get to the top, but a lot of what people attribute as being the motivation behind it i find kinda... idk, circumstancial? im not saying improbable, but my post was more about how people latched on to him when theres way less explanation and even content to him than Leo does? my last guess is that people plain and simple found him sexier than Leo

from My perspective, the closest we get to a Leo redemption is if Carl dies, and he comes across Markus mourning his father as well. the first time i saw this i thought there would be a fight, that he would scream and yell that it was all Markus' fault, even when he knows it wasnt, how dare this fucking thing even show itself in a cemetary. but he just... looks on. in shock. what he deemed something slightly above a glorified toaster is there, when he shouldnt even be. the fruits of his fathers time invested in this android. in his bonding. this thing that shouldve been dismantled in a junkyard somewhere, completely useless, now overwhelming the news talking about civil rights. and this is where he gets it. this thing understands the concept of grief, its clearly feeling it. Markus looks sad. a cold and calculating machine would understand theres no point in visiting a stone with some decaying corpse underneath it, death is final. wouldnt bother making the time to visit this unremarkable place while its on the brink of raging a war. but it did. the same as he was about to do. fucked up

on an alternate where Carl survives, most of what Leo says goes more towards the favor of his father than mentioning the android. we dont know if he knows anything of what happened with Markus at all, so its hard to draw a conclusion, but the game certainly feeds some hope that after this horrible event they can mend back. he promises to do what he can to get rid of what, as far as he knows, is what truly keeps Carl from loving him. no more ugly addiction. who knows, maybe theres a chance for growth. maybe if he really wants to, Leo could give in to seeing Markus as something equal, if thats what would make his dad not hate him.

and, with Gavin... he either leaves on a corny joke, beats up Connor, or gets beaten up. which i certainly see the appeal of, but definitely doesnt scream "no longer sci-fi racist"/"only mildly, acceptably sci-fi racist" to me, but to each their own

#ask #ramble #leo #gavin #anti gavin reed #same as usual. just being safe #anti carl manfred #sorry if it makes little sense ive had to rewrite this one a couple times and i still cant make myself coherent #1 am posting no typo correcting we die like manfred men #tw drugs #tw addiction #tw death #tw neglect #SORRY ABOUT THE TWS LET ME KNOW WHAT ELSE I MISS PLEEK

[girlwithfish]

tr*uma is so weird. its similar to how id forget most of the Bad years when i was a teenager and my mom was the worst person in my head to me for yrs.. like the critical voice the person who brought me down, i thought she hated me, the way she raised us was by being mean and i did not view her as an emotionally safe person at all and the way i learned to process emotions and conflict was by Not processing it during these years where nothing was ever talked about, no apologies, if u get yelled at u dont talk back, if u cry youre weak or manipulative or trying to be pitied, stuff like that and even when i talk abt it now it almsot feels as if it didnt happen bc it was a while ago and i blocked that part of my pivotal yrs in adolescence out bc it doesnt serve me and i accepted the past and all. but when i think back on it i dont remember much of it anymore its just like a bad dream u dont remember rhe details, maybe some significant events i remember like a couple fights or past memories but not too much i just remember like that it happened bc ive talked abt it or bc i used to talk to my friends abt it or complain abt it online ik it happened but it almost doesnt feel like it did and i cant actually remember very well and its like i only know it happened bc i know i had that dream? but no details or only vague plot points and i remember residual feelings but its very hazy. i think its better that way in a way bc it doesnt hurt as much anymore but it used to fuck me up when i was younger and trying to process how i grew up and the relationship w my mother n shit and idk i still feel weird abt it but its not the biggest problem in my life rn

but its similar to how i think abt traumatic things w my ex i know they happened since its a little more fresh theres a handful of specific memories i can recount like 60% of what happened but ofc small details or every single thing said or done i dnt remember all of it and theres probably a lot of stuff my brain has forgotten or locked away and that kind of scares me. bc there was so much chaos and suffering in an unsustainable environment where i was constantly in crisis mode and my mental health at its worse i know i was slowly dying being boiled alive and i remember some stuff like all those specific things ive bitched abt on here i hold onto bc i dont want to forget bc itll freak me out if i do. and ik theres more i have forgotten which makes me feel weird. cuz i question myself and feel less valid when my memory cant retain every detail and i question if it even happened. idk does this make sense

[rain-loving-fox]

👁👁 may I ask for some things you love about your relationships with Cole (my personal bestie™️) and Genji? (Separately of course)

i paused making a new carrd because i really wanted to answer this SOOOOOOO attempting to ramble part (mumbles some incorrigible answer)

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some things i love about my relationship with cole? well first and foremost, i guess its that we're both texan. i can literally project onto this damn f/o because?? ive grown up here all my life so i automatically can be like. OH CONTENT AND CONNECTION TO A CHARACTER WHOS LIKE ME FOR REAL!!!

so aside from just being texan...i think i like the silliness of it all. like. damn despite the circumstances of our knowing of each other, theres a strong level of playfulness. reckon, its akin to like, how two male friends interact (and i get along a lot better with guys while im a lot more awkward around women?? idk man) but yknow. aside from the playful insults and their loudest smack to the back that you'll hear in a hallway, its still just a bit more silly. in a romantic sense. whatever that means

another one is. mutually very affectionate. like in a sickeningly sweet way. peppering one's face in kisses. bear hugs. noogies followed up with head kisses. cuddles and snuggles and shit like that. but its always asked. because sometimes i get really annoyed by being touched. so we make sure to ask the other if ttheyre okay with affection! and specifying itll come in small or large amounts

i also love. angst. i more than likely struggled with separation anxiety as a kid and in a lot of my selfships thats like. rather than being attached to a parent, it shifts to the f/o. so like, yeah i follow cole around like a pet or something because i get so emotionally attached that leaving him (in any way, even if we just stayed friends) would probably wreck me. and funny, i like to think of cole being in a similar situation. we are glued to one another's hips, because if we leave each other we will probably go into a panic attack 👍 queue the missions always being scheduled together cuz its either die together or not at all

small bonuses: morning kisses by windows; cole never smoking around me; me giving cole beard scratches; me kissing cole's amputated arm. not the prosthetic (i kiss that too), the actual nub

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FOR GENJI. MAN. okay well one of my favorite things imvolving this man is that. teehee i love the fucking. female friend who is not giving a shit and male friend who's a playboy who also does not give a shit but in a more playful way (he falls first). like oh yeah we're flirting as a joke theres nothing there (genji is fanning his face after he ran away from me because i called him stupid and he liked that). i literally do not care unless i actually hurt his feelings (he will pout and then eventually tell me after three days and then gets pampered)

UH. RELATIONSHIP HAPPENS WHILE YOUNG. AND THEN THE TRAGEDY HITS. AKA I ALSO LIKE THE ANGST HERE AS WELL. its so very oh we're having a mostly happy relationship if you ignore the shimada clan getting fussy. oh i propose to genji? oh he accepts? genji fucking almost dies and i dont see him for a long while. and when i do get to see him he hates how he looks and he obviously does not want me to see him but i just cry. not because hes ugly. but because hes alive. genji's shocked by this 👍

another silly thing. i looove kissing genji's scars. especially on his face. he gets so flustered, a large insecurity lies beneath the mask, and im just smothering him in kisses. i also really like the little hc that if he gets too flustered, steam comes from the metalic parts of his body so he can cool off. so if genji has his mask on and i fluster him, then damn there's my sign !

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okay, i KNOW you said separately. but between you and me, i am an avid gencass/spuriken shipper. like i dont indulge in much ccxcc ships because i am easily jealous but i LOOOVE gencass.

so with that being said: polyam alternative! i spoil two men who very much deserve it!! and i get to be cuddled by two very silly men!! and we all have one big ass crying sesh!! sometimes!! it all works out. its the dynamic of trio going to an amusement park except i carry everything because i hate most of the rides and i just film genji and cole having a good time and tjen they make sure i dont get heat sickness (this has happened irl twice)

#ೃ⁀➷ ☁️ selfship — chlocole ; ⛈️🌻 — ☁️ #ೃ⁀➷ ☁️ selfship — genchlo ; ⛈️🐉 — ☁️

[wanderrlust0]

1/2

honestlyyy my bf is lucky to have me!! bc ive seen and heard things that i feel like another girl would probably not give him more chances or go off on him out of frustration. even his sister told me she’d do things differently. idk im not trying to shit on him at all bc hes a really good person and i love him very much and want to be with him for the rest of my life. i just know that if it was the other way around with all the things we both have done, he would notttt trust me and he already has trust issues. i mean im not perfect either..yes i have done some small things before, but it was without any personal feelings and any intimate physical touch. now, there is a lot of context and things for part of what he did and the situation we were stuck in so like its not as bad as it sounds.. but STILL lol im just thinking. like i know if one of us had to break up with each other it would def be him breaking up with me. i just know. theres already been times where he would sound like he would and he’d make all these confrontations feel so serious. also, hes still a man. yes hes he/they, masc presenting, but he still thinks like men. im not trying to offend anyone pls if literally anyone reads this far so ill explain what i mean. he did not have good luck with girls in hs and so he worked on himself to look better and then got the attention from girls he craved back then. got some experience, got a gf, got cheated on, got dating apps again but stayed fwb with his ex until calling it off when we started dating. i know he can move quickly with things and act on his high sexual drive. if anyone whos considered attractive gives him attention, he could entertain the idea or like he starts to compare me and itll make me feel like im not enough and dont match his lifestyle. i feel like its easier for him than me to start seeing people in a sexual way and want to get in their pants. idk if it could be like the female attention since he doesnt always feel good about himself and now that a pretty girl shows interest its like it gets to his ego. again, i sound like im shitting on him but im not, im just thinking i can type it all out and leave it here bc ive never talked about this or wrote about it. i found out today that he did stuff with his friend ~3 yrs ago while me & him were on a break and me and her are like friendly acquaintances and we went to her baby shower, gender reveal party, & he went to her wedding, all after they did it. he really only told me now bc her husband i guess just found out somehow and msgd my bf about it and said he’ll go msg me about it. he didnt want me to find out first thru someone else, which i appreciate that he was able to tell me first, but its also like okay damn they really did that. and yes it was years ago so i honestly didnt feel hurt about it i was just more shocked. like.. he was on a break with me and felt single and he says shes cheated before so it just happened with them and they didnt do it again. funny thing is that her husband was already suspicious of him years ago and thinking he was only friends with her to do stuff and now shit, he was partially right. honestly, thats a dumb mistake on her end, like she was engaged or almost engaged at the time. also, for the record, he hooked up with (for what i know now) 2 other people during that time period, so 3 within our 1 month break. one didnt involve any feelings i presume and the other one had a shit ton bc they went on actual dates and shit and she ended it bc they both or just she didnt wanna settle. she was 3 yrs younger than him and yes.. i did stalk her a bit bc i needed to know, why her, who she is, etc. and i could already tell she got around..but whatever, i already coped from that lol. back to his friend, he knows she was with someone & he knows her man already didnt like him. even tho she didnt care, he still went along with it bc hes been wanting to do that since the day they became friends. it all makes sense. he met her in school when he was still with his ex so i dont have anything to say about that part but like, again…

#journal #mypost #continued in the comments

[dausy]

oh my, I feel like I've spent a lot of money on myself recently.

I'm trying to work on painting this weekend. I have a long weekend this weekend. So far I'm scheduled to work wed-fri if I don't get a call but I have a dental appointment and hair appointment this week. Theres an interesting breed of drama at work and I think I'm getting too old for this. I just learned I'm literally older than a couple of doctors. I've officially reached that stage of my life where I can be older than doctors. So weird. On the scale of complaints I've had about workplace drama before this has to be some of the most benign complaints I've ever heard and I'm like "do you guys not hear yourselves?". Its just such a non-dangerous issue, that I can't even imagine wanting to complain about it. To me its like a spa day and yall are complaining about some weird stuff. Like come on.

But I keep picking up shifts because its essentially easy money but I'm also dirt tired and cranky. Wearing lead for 8-10 hours a day is also killing my upper back. I don't think permanent OR nursing is in my future. So its affecting my ability to be creative. I'm getting home at 5-6pm and plooping on the couch. I can't draw unless theres lovely sun out.

I still think my spanish is improving despite me getting hit hard with the reality that I don't know what the hell I'm saying often. But I'm still learning new things every day and I'm researching new ways to say things all the time. I think what honestly hurts the most is I keep seeing tiktoks on "white women who did a duolingo lesson once" which is in parts funny, I get it. But also, is me trying to speak with my patients making me fall under this category? am I just another white woman who duolingos? I just want to be effective at my job and communicate where appropriate.

I've also spent a small fortune. I feel like I should do a haul with just stuff I've purchased recently but none of it is art related (sort of). Other than I still have to PPE up at work, my face getting exposure to real air has made me appreciate a little bit of the skin care and make up type luxuries..2 make up items will cost a pretty penny. I got some new make up brushes and got some new things for this ball I have coming up. I just kinda want to look pretty. I'm feeling girly, I want the make up, the cute clothes and shoes etc. But we're just buying make up so far right now.

I also got 2 new work out shirts and a sports bra. I've gotten a wittle chunky this past year and my shirts are riding up. I'ma maybe use those extra calories for some hopeful gym gains. Hopefully I can rev up the gym-going when my husband gets deployed.

shoes, I got some new shoes for work and a new phone case. We also went on a really fancy date night that long ago and me not having a purse was kind of a nuisance so I got a new purse (or two). We have a lot of day trips coming up as my husband is trying to maximize family time before he's gone for the next year. I kinda want to look cute maybe so one of the purses is like a day trip bag.

anyway, I still want to order a couple of things but itll need to wait til the next paycheck.

#artlife #learningspanish #spanishlearner #artistblog #artblog #sketching #sketchbook #painting #watercolors #nursing #registerednurse

[pinkseas]

Hi its me again, mind if I share an idea I had for xiaolumi?

Basically yes Lumine can purify Xiao's karmic debt but she can't take all of it away. What she can do is take away the most dangerous parts of it. Her abilities destroy the pieces of the dead gods wrath stuck to him that could kill him, but she can't remove things that aren't from a gods power such as his sores and chronic pain, things that for him are just there

Xiao's debt is something he can't really every get rid of no matter what and even with purification the pain is still there, but it can be worked on with the right support system that he has been pushing away for so long. If he finally takes some help it won't hurt him the same way it killed his siblings. And with Lumine even if she is nations away she can help him every little bit and he is nothing but grateful for her

Really really sorry if this comes off mean I just wanted to share a perspective. You don't need to answer if your weirded out or anything. I just kinda see Xiao's karmic debt as a possible metaphor for chronic illness and trauma sorry again

you can absolutely always share !! ANYTHING pertaining to xiaolumi my eyes and ears are wide open at all times im so srs

and BASED AS HELL!!!!!!!! no bc like. for as long as xiao is killing the demons in liyue the debt is going to remain even if in the smallest degree, and even if it were wholly cleansed or anything of the sort there's still the fact that he's lived with it for centuries and both his body and mind have long since adjusted. he's absolutely going to have so many defenses against it that hes not even aware of, physical and mental, i can 100% see him with honestly any sort of chronic pain whether brought about by the karma and now sticking or whether its been there for as long as he knows. lumine can ever so slowly get rid of the debt that accumulates and that would one day kill him but the effects of it are probably something that never truly leave, and that that support system like you said would help SO so much with.

you dont have to be sorry at all, and it didnt come off as mean or anything of the sort in the slightest !! i havent like properly fully considered it before but i absolutely understand where youre coming from and theres a HUGE possible metaphor/symbolism thing there. something incredibly painful that can never be fully rid of or cured that xiao has long since learned how to live with? and there are definitely further elements with it having killed the other yakshas and the slow accumulation and him accepting that itll kill him someday too where you could compare the way it is in canon to either chronic pain/illness or terminal illness. god. explodes. but esp with the way i personally characterize xiao and the way i view his relationship with lumine and the effect it has on his karma it coming hand in hand with chronic pain makes sm sense like it slots so neatly in with the rest of his character, and then THAT gives so much room to explore support systems and coping mechanisms and.... man. Man. explodes again

#quaggyday

[famouslastwrdz]

one day i'll get to be the first choice i can sit and bask in such a glow for hours but as soon as everything clicks off i have nobody to crawl into bed with, a machine that runs on love, this living mechanism who aims to please and maims to please and who cares if i can never go back to how i was as long as someone's happy- right? it hurts sometimes to be asked to open up because its painful to admit whats wrong. touch my own face and feel it sticky with rot, real as i check my hands and see skin damp and dead from the cheek thats so flush in photos. i dont need to eat so much since i died. it just makes me sick, this dead thing rejecting sustenance. my knees are going because the connecting tissue is decomposing. tattoo the parts that are still alive, remind yourself. some days i have peace with it, living dead harley-poe-style, other days im stuck in my bed rotting through the mattress and no matter how much perfume i use itll never cover the sicklysweetsour evidence of my body dying, some parts dead. its painful to admit whats wrong. that i miss my friends, and leaving you at the airport felt like the guiltiest thing i ever did. that im petrified of never seeing you again. that it felt for some reason like i was leaving you behind in a much deeper sense, like i was turning my back on you. the friends ive said goodbye to in the past have died. that the entire way home i cried not because of sadness but the fear i'd somehow killed you by leaving you there. its painful to admit whats wrong. the half hour nap i had in the car yesterday was against joel's shoulder, under a blanket shared with him, him gently stroking a thumb over the scabbing on my knuckles. and i woke up and pulled myself to the window, pulled my hand away, pulled the horrible aching gap in my heart away. and he looked at me like he'd been shot, and that hurt. hurt because i loved him. hurt because he loves me. hurt because i cant love him and somewhere i hate him and what he did but i cant shake it. hurt because hes one of the only people in the world i can be comfortable with like that, sleep against, hold their hand. hurt because i hurt him. hurt because he hurt me. hurt because he hurt you. hurt because he hurt mags. its painful to admit whats wrong. i dont know if i can make it to living together. painful to admit whats wrong. i want to be special. painful to admit. my chest is agony sometimes, hours at a time, and it feels like its burning. im terrified ive ruptured something but if i check and its true i wont cope. painful. if i breathe too deep it feels like swallowing molten glass.  painful. theres too much empty space again.

[ethernitty]

the last hour

in ten minutes my phone reads but its not yet that long ago so i listen to one more song before i go

now im here for that you called me dinner, or at least part of it remnants of yesterday less then i thought maybe because we messed up or maybe because of unluck

but its i like it and its good

the rest of dinner is decided but yet to be spoken aloud its pasta or a grilled cheese or fried egg if youd prefer

i do prefer the tastes not as spungy and easier to eat but as filling who knows

you get started on the dinner and i sit on the couch times not long enough for me to go upstairs so i stay then i walk over to the kitchen for what reason i dont know theres my egg in the pan the way i like it but not quite theres supposed to be meat under this i say again but apparently you forgot its okay it can still be fixed but my tone influenced yours and in fixing my dinner i have broken myself

the anger can be hidden its not grown to its full size yet

but you ask what can i do i have options none that youd like i can starve myself hurt myself do anything to calm myself if i can glip away maybe to show you how i cant deal with this maybe only to have a break

but i cant get away because you asked me if i can grate the cheese

i can dont want to but i can clean the counter a bit and just get to it

but the cheese is new a block to big for my hands and it hurts the thoughts have started and the flood is comming i cant grate the cheese

the eggs almost done and the flood so near

so i glip away

just a little the little square place of the toilet

it has the same darkness as my room to its small and i have to get out soon but its enough the wall is enough to lean against and try to stop the flood

the dams build quicly so some has seeped through but its enough

i go back

make the table then sit and wait

my egg comes no enjoy no here you go just eat

and so i do the finale preparations before it all goes down into the pit of my stumach

and as the rest gets seated for dinner and the glasses get filled i am reminded of you i see the food and it reminds me of you not quite the you now but one in the future

my plates empty finally i bring it back to the kitchen in the washer

and i can go upstairs

i put on my laptop and there you are

a few pixels on my screen saying i have a message i know what itll say

and things are a little better again

#whoo month old vent poem be upon ye #not going to corect the spelling mistakes becuase i just dont eant to #either way i think its a pretty good one #tw vent #tw sh #i think those are the right tags #if any other tws are needed you can tell me

[p1f1]

as much as i love commentary videos (i can watch those and video essays non stop for hours), theres a genuine sickness in my stomach when theyre reacting to someone whos being sexist or misogynistic.

ramble below the line, but please check out the ending part.

idk what makes me feel this way, the borderline ridiculous stuff that comes out of their mouth or the fact someone can be so stupid that they say this in todays day and age. and i get that for how modern it is some people still agree with these stupid comments and speeches but there will always be at least a handful of people who agree with whatever.

and yes i do feel this way with any type of discrimination, but it sickens me when i hear about how badly some women, as myself, hate being one. its unfair. sure itll always be that way and "life isnt fair" but still, its just crazy. if youre someone who sees a woman whos complaining about hating being a woman (not because they dont feel comfy in their own body ((or want to be a different gender)), but because they hate how theyre being treated. ), and for some reason thinks theyre being ridiculous, please dont interact with me lmao.

its sad how i feel afraid to walk alone at night or be in a car alone. or go on dates, or talk about this to anyone, or go swimming , or go out in general. nobody, i mean nobody, should have to feel afraid to be out in the world, because thats wrong. especially with todays messed up beauty standards. im not exactly skinny, but at least im trying to change myself. it hurts alot when someone points something you hate about yourself and acts like you dont know. its sad how no matter how pretty or skinny you are youll never be good enough. i hate it. people arent perfect. nobody is. nobody ever will be because thats how humans are.

i have had encounters with sexists. just as any person would. and when someone makes fun of you or mocks you with the reason youre a woman, it doesnt make you feel smart, and its not easy to not let them get to you. genders, races, and sexualities will never be equal to the public. women will always be under men. gay people will always be hated. non white people will always be treated and seen differently. and in my eyes, everyones equal and always will be but me or you will never be able to change someones mind.

and ngl, i used to say i hated men as a joke, but i dont think its much of a joke anymore. younger me would call me weird for hating being a woman but im so glad i wasnt exposed to how gross the world could be sometimes.

this is a rant, but also a reminder. if you are sexist, misogynistic, racist, transphobic, or just a bigot get off of my blog.

im not the best a wording things so, if you think that i see anyone thats not white or gay differently, i promise you youre wrong. im not racist, homophobic, or any of that. this is just much better than me crying to myself about how much i hate humans sometimes.

.

.

.

also, if youre like me, and think nobodys there for you, or talking about your problems wont help, it will. i had a small talk with a friend and even though it was only a few texts and sentences, i really felt touched. i only talked about my family problems very vaguely. it was a stupid video. 'if you had one wish, what would it be?" i answered something like i wish i could change the way my family sees me and his one word response of "why?" made me so emotional.

friends and friends. people you talk to on a regular basis and people you know want to talk with you are friends, even if you dont think so.

my DM's are always open. even if this only reaches a few or onyl a few see it, you can always dm me on this acc or my other. hell i might not even know your name but just know that i care about you so deeply. i would never want someone as amazing as you to feel down or angry.

so please, if you think that talking about your problems wont help, try it before you say that. it can change decisions you make in the future that youll regret. again, my dm's are open always if youre struggling. i care.

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.

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#delete later #or not #pifi rambles but its an actual ramble

[skittsyteacup]

TW VENT!! dont read if ur sad or smth!!!

i hesitate to write this. genuinely. theres people i know will see it and theres those who wont but i really want to. i dont even feel upset writing this, i feel pretty good actually. i think writing this wont help, i know it wont, but itll be said right? which is better than nothing(maybe). 

some of us, and i wont name, have a horrible habit of checking accounts of people we no longer talk to and wow! you guessed it. exs fall into that. its mainly to see how theyre doing(usually /neg) or cus theyre bored. but we all get those memories. and the pain can meld to others which sucks, really. thankfully this doesnt happen often! but it still happens and it still hurts. an example is one of them sent a anon tell to an ex of ours asking if they checked their exs accounts. part of the reason why other than curiosity was because we were a little suspicious they sent us tells n shit. im more confident they dont now after a bit of research but we cant talk in headspace easily. and even so who wants to talk about their bad habits? not them. but to the actual point, ive had nightmares my whole life. i dont have dreams anymore as far as i can tell, they always morph their way into something i dont count as a decent thing. and more often than not ive found someone from our past whos hurt us a lot is always there. we had one with a man named steven who ruined our childhood a couple days ago. we screamed at him about how we hate him so fucking much and personally? thats progress! we recognize we didnt deserve it. we recognize that it was wrong and he deserves to burn. 

but quite a few of these nightmares have our most recent ex. since theyre not almost dead like steven i wont name them, ill refer to them as K. im not sure theyll see any of this. part of us hopes they will. part of me hopes that too. id like to help set the record straight.

we dated them for a year and a few days. we met on discord and grew close in a short amount of time. they were 16, i was 14. theyre 18 and im 16 now. so its been almost 2 years, its been 2 years since we met though. the relationship was good as far as i knew but now as ive grown i realize even if the age gap isnt big, thats 2 different maturities. they were hypersexual, i was asexual. the pressure made me graysexual and im also now hypersexual(in a way). i felt bad for saying no, which made me what others see as a shy partner who relies on their s/o to function. i felt bad that i didnt rely on them to exist, as if theyd get mad at me for not needing them to breath. and i think i was right too. even if they think now ‘no i wouldnt of’, i know that that would upset them. because in a way, a twisted way, thats upsetting to someone who wants to be your whole world. they want you to only need them. theyve probably changed. i hope theyve changed. 

but someone stalked their tellonym the other day to see the answer to the tell they sent and they found something else, im quoting so i dont fuck it up,  “whats your opinion on a partner that is being shy?”                                        “it’s whatever but i can’t stand overly shy partners like i’m not going to do everything for you. my ex was like that and it drove me fucking insane”              i want to scream and yell that ‘you did this, this is your fault, it was and still is a problem you created’ but ive grown too. we’ve grown. but i want to talk about how youre wrong, K. how wrong you are. you got upset when i told you no, when i wasnt ready to fuck, when i had issues sleeping, when i hung out with anyone, when my constant attention wasnt on you. you probably dont remember it like that, and thats ok but it wont change my memory in any way. you can shit talk me and i know you have about things you shouldnt. you can get angry over this. i hope you do in a healthy way and right now some of us disagree with me hoping that. back to the topic at hand, though, i felt like you would hurt me if i didnt get your permission or do something you didnt like. maybe thats why i got called co dependent. and i dont mean physically, that youd hurt me like that, i meant mentally. i wouldve dont the physical part. i know i wouldve. i know all of us wouldve. an unspoken part of our brain thought if we didnt then we didnt love you. i remember one time, i was up past 12. you woke up and saw. you got upset, made me feel like the worst person because i wasnt asleep. i went into another room and hyperventilated, having one of the worst panic attacks ive ever had. thankfull i was too distraught to search for anything harmful, and the house was small(we all slept in the living room, the other 3 rooms were in shambles(kitchen worked a little)) so searching for stuff was noisy already. and i knew if i relapsed you would make it about you. which is another thing. i dont think you ever realized it. i could never bring it up either for that reason. i didnt like talking to you about my issues because id just end the topic feeling worse than i started, but this time id also feel like i hurt you. and since you didnt like me talking to other people, and when i was i had to tell you, i just never said anything. and when id have doubts about our relationship, like i felt like you didnt love me/i didnt know how to handle something with you/you did something i didnt like/i noticed a red flag/you think im cheating, i didnt have anyone to talk to. i think i didnt break up with you because i never vocalized my doubts too. i did ask my friends during our half ass break if i seemed like a cheater, if i was like one, if i had tendencies of one. ive been cheated on before and i personally dont think im like one at all but others insight helps a lot! they said no, though, but part of me is still scared they lied. it doesnt matter much anymore though. anyway. to continue on your wrongdoings of a sort, you also accused me of cheating many times within the last week or two of our relationship because i 1) didnt let you log into my discord, you never told me why you wanted to and i wasnt ready to talk to you about a few things until i saw you(or was supposed to) 2) called you a new petname, i called you a lot of things related to the moon i dont understand why that upset you 3) everyone you talked to about us said i was cheating(ill admit, im still a bit disappointed your mom thought that too.). i cant think of anything else at the moment. but still its all bad, right? i dont know anymore. i still feel like i deserved everything you did to me. but ive been told i dont. that i didnt deserve the sexual pressure and the sexualization, that i deserved a nurturing relationship. but you still helped shape who i am now, mostly for the worst, but i know what not to do now so thats something?

im gonna end this here. its long enough, ill continue at a later date if i need to, reblogging is a thing here. i just needed somewhere to say this. theres more to say but god this is long?? enough for now??? and i need to do other things. on a side note, i hope osiris is doing well.

[nofoodclub]

Here's to manefesting good vibes and a future where i get to feel that level of sexual/romantic/platonic generalized bliss with J again, normally experiences like that esp first time are quite awkward at least from my perspective, but all of that felt like it happened exactly as the universe intended l. Nothing was rushed nothing was pushed it just happened. And really, the way he held me initially....i felt so safe. Everything just felt right. That moment confirmed what I had already suspected, that it was more than just sex, but i knew there wouldn't be any more confirmation than the connection i knew we both felt. Hes had his time doing risky shit and unfortunately i fit solidly into the category of extremely risky shit for him. I wish it wasnt this way, but this is the hand i was dealt and i gotta figure out how to make it work for me somehow. Massive depression most likely will ensue. Fuck its already starting. I need to stop. All i want is to sabotage. I want to text j and let myself get more into the place of wanting to destroy everything good, every chance i could possibly have at being better than this because why? Why should i have to carenso much? My life is supposed to be so great then why do i feel like the walls are caving in on me? Why do i feel like i cant or at least really dont want to exist without the external validation or people who i assign false importance to. I miss no one knowing. I miss my shit show of my own creation only catered to my own enjoyments. I miss drugs, i miss my friends, i miss stupidity, i miss near death so so so very much. I miss having the excuse of oh no no one knew shes just gone in an instant... that's all over now. Why did i ever give someone else so much power in my life? He took the first sign that i could figure out how to be ok without him and went and caved in my false sense of security. He took away a relationship that i improperly valued, but it still had a lot of significance to me and threatened his safety. I miss my friend so much. I miss the shitty parts of him, i miss his smell, his voice, the stupid way he plays with the kitties, i miss him. Relationships that evolve that quickly for me usualy come crashing down violently...i had no warning, no closure, it was just over. Done and gone like my addiction was something thats so easy to leave behind and never look back at all the the social lubrication it did, at all the times it made the loneliness not feel quite so bad, at all the times it stopped the big violent crashing wave of depression that is hitting home right about now from taking hold so many times previously. Thats all i want in life, is to get rid of this wave thats constantly over me pushing me down...or at least learn how to not care about it so much. Im already as low as can go, theres no depression limbo lower than this right here without being flat on my back, so i might as well try it right? Whats the harm in an i miss you text? Whats the worst that could happen anyways? I would get confirmation on my ground level status, or best case i would get to not be alone tonight. I am so tired of being alone. Fuck why cant i just hit send. Im already so low how much more could the sting of one tiny rejection really hurt? Probably enough to make me draw blood. Thats whats getting triggered rn. Its always just replacing one addiction with the other. These are pretty evenly matched. Scars or drugs....at least the drugs make me feel good longer. But blood is much cheaper, easier to come by, easier to conceal. Decisions, decisions....i guess that text will decide my fate....ill send it when i get home. Or maybe in the car. Or maybe never. Idk how low im feeeling yet. Its all still too numb. Dont want to feel it yet, or really ever. Itll be too much, itll consume me. Maybe thats what ive been waiting for? Still 25, still within my threshold of acceptance for the decision to end all other decisions. I want to. Im sonl tired of feeling like this all the time shit is exhausting. Thats why i miss j. He helped me see the light literally in the dark

Blood it is.

#sidebar in the tags mid ulta...i need to either not do this to this extent or get better at the anxious feelings #theres over $100 of shit in my jacket lmao hitting here 2 days in a row is v messy but like i know nothings gonna happen to me from this so #going for it with my $8 purchase to possibly ease suspicions lmao