Tumgik
#and then saying ‘oh fuck I want to drink that deadly ass poison Bc I’m built different I think’
itsclownhours · 3 years
Conversation
merlin as tumblr posts again because when i edited a typo in the original it fucked up the formatting
everyone: you have to make time for yourself
morgana: *stays up until 1 am every night crying* me time
.
morgana: ohhhh so the pain is forever and endless i get it now
.
young!mordred: once i learn how to read and write it’s over for you hoes
.
lancelot, in cursive: i can’t read cursive handwriting
gwaine: what does this say
elyan: i can’t read cursive handwriting
gwaine: bitch me neither that’s why i asked
.
arthur, to merlin, about lancelot: is he...y’know…*gestures downard to super hell*
.
uther, straight: hey what’s up guys do you want to go get some food
arthur and morgana, gay: ??????
uther: oh sorry i mean asgdhjdhs guys do you??? want some food??? lmao ashdjdjhs
arthur and morgana: oh! agshdjjshsj yeah lmao agshdj
.
morgana: do you ever associate the word “girlfriend” with wlw so much that you forget straight boys have girlfriends
.
gwen: am taking care of a tiny kitten. have given it an excellent name. dad thinks i’m calling her “minty” but this is actually short for The Government
gwen: The Government bit my finger and pooped on the floor
.
gwaine: peak art is when you were like six and you scribbled all over ms paint and then carefully paintbucketed in all the different shapes in the scribbles to make “stained glass”
.
morgause: forcing my car to commit sins so it goes to hell with me when i die
.
leon, after arthur gives the knights a pep talk: so motivational...time to drill a hole in my skull
.
morgana: i want to be a she really did that!! kind of girl but i don’t do anything
.
arthur: pros and cons of being my friend:
arthur: pro: you have a friend
arthur: con: it’s me
.
gwaine, to lancelot: bro let’s watch a horror movie together...bro you look scared do you wanna share a blanket dude? if you wanna hold hands it’s ok. if you wanna rest your head on my shoulder it’s alright bro...bro if you wanna kiss that’s understandable that was a scary movie...we can keep cuddling after the movie is over it’s alright dude…
.
lancelot: old town road but he just keeps listing all the places he has horses
gwaine: i got the horses in the back
gwaine: horses on the track
gwaine: horses in the shack and i got horses fetching snacks
gwaine: i got the horses in earth’s core
gwaine: down under the floor
gwaine: horses in the store and i got horses on the moor
.
gwaine: died and came back as a cowboy i call that reintarnation
.
morgana: *shows up at college* excuse me will someone please direct me to the leftist brainwashing class? i’m here for the leftist brainwashing class
.
merlin: finally found someone i was more disappointed in that myself: the entirety of america camelot
.
morgause: customer (derogatory)
.
arthur: business major (derogatory)
.
leon: leonardo dicaprio date a woman over 25 challenge
gwaine: thought that said “leonardo da vinci” and was confused since da vinci was gay and also since you were calling out someone who’s been dead for well over 7 years
leon: well. da vinci has been well over 7 years, i’ll give you that
.
morgana: the retirement age needs to be lowered to 25. i’ve had enough
.
gwaine: i’m fucking in luigi’s mansion
leon: who?
gwaine: some italian freak
gwaine: oh you meant who am i fucking. your mom
.
leon: stop setting things on fire because you’re curious about what will happen. what will happen is fire
gwaine: but what if...something else happens. just this 1 time
.
morgause: bored? burn an orphan. who’re they gonna tell? their parents?
.
morgana: due to personal reasons i will be a serial arsonist
.
mithian: fruit (affectionate)
.
arthur: going to the fruit (derogatory) store do you want anything
.
gwen: fruit (salad, yummy yummy)
.
morgana, to gwen: i’m allergic to hookup culture and too weird to participate anyway. die in my arms
.
kilgharrah: i am fast and full of teeth. i will die in a barn fire
.
morgana: not evil anymore i want to be loved now
morgana: evil again
.
morgause: every day i put on my evil little clothes and do my evil little tasks
.
percival: megan thee stallion and timothee chalamet are the same age
gwaine: megan thee stallion 🤝 timo thee chalamet
.
morgana: hey how many swords do you have
morgause: sword of a lot
morgana: blocked
morgause: parried
.
morgana and gwen simultaneously in 1x10: *chanting* girls with swords girls with swords
.
morgana: the more knives you have the more valid you are
.
kilgharrah: blocked. blocked. blocked. you’re all blocked. none of you are free from sin.
.
morgana: seven deadly sins speedrun
.
gwaine: i want 6 pet sloths so i can name them after every sin except for sloth
.
merlin: the eighth deadly sin is networking
.
arthur: online school culture is constantly wondering if there’s a sneaky little assignment you missed...is it tucked under modules or assignments or heaven forbid, announcements? who’s to say?
.
gaius: asynchronous learning
merlin, a clown: mmmnaptime
.
arthur: have you ever just cried because you’re you
.
elyan, to percival: bro, we are teens . it’s ok to cry around me . i’m your best friend . i love you … bro we are kissing now … no don’t stop bro … bro …
.
morgana: mad bc i was told as the bride my wedding would be “my day” but actually where will be a whole other bride there and we will have to share it
.
leon: i’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s about a gender i already know about, what kind of reveal is that
.
leon: gender reveal party??? no, this is a gender repeal party. we out here revoking genders
.
gwaine: you’re laughing. i asked you who sings party rock anthem and you’re laughing
.
gwaine: make no mistake not only am i party rocking but i’m also in the house tonight
elyan: are you shuffling?
gwaine: everyday
.
morgana: lung extensions
morgana: with extended lungs you can: scream longer, breathe harder, brag about extended lungs
morgana: this procedure is not legal but i will do it for you
morgana: do not tell the police or morgause
.
morgana: i’m so sick of dna, i’m going to have all mine removed
morgause: good news! this is a real thing that can happen to you
morgana: perfect, sign me up
.
morgana: if YOU die because i poisoned you...how is that MY fault like i’m sorry you aren’t immune to my poisons i think that’s genuinely something you need to work on. fix yourself before blaming others
.
arthur: my body is NOT a “temple”...it is a CLOWN CAR and NONE OF THESE BITCHES KNOW HOW TO DRIVE
.
morgause: live
morgause: laugh
morgause: l u r k
.
mcdonald’s employee: please sir get off the table
gwaine: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES *dumping bag of fried out onto the floor* BUT INSTEAD GOT A HUNDRED FUCKEN LITTLE ONES
.
merlin: i relate to vampires because i too must be clearly and specifically invited in before i have the audacity to try to participate in anything
.
gwaine: it can’t be september, just yesterday is was marchgustuary
lancelot: today’s date: [REDACTED]/[REDACTED]/20
.
gwaine: why are internet friends not normalized. it’s 2020 they’re probably making robots that will wipe your ass for you and i can’t text grace in the uk and tell her to have a good day? fuck you
.
percival: imagine if halsey was in beauty and the beast
elyan: are you insane like gaston. been in pain like gaston. bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like gaston
.
arthur: my dad is learning about pronouns/gender identity and he called me in the middle of the night to tell me he is cis
.
merlin: ough. those first 400 bites of dirt were not so good. maybe the next one will be better
.
morgana: i’m at the dark candy store, buying sorrowful ranchers
.
merlin: i’m surprised no one has ever punched me in the face
.
gwen: i want a gf so i can send her memes about loving my gf
.
morgause: oh to cook with my wife and stand directly in front of cabinets and drawers she needs to open
.
morgause: decided i will no longer be paying taxes. what are they gonna do, tax me more? go ahead. i won’t pay those either. oh i’m going to prison? the one paid for by my tax dollars? sorry, didn’t pay em. now there is no prison. i am at least 3 steps ahead of the government at all times
.
merlin: lab safety but the teacher just wants to you die
merlin: lab safety: 1. drink whatever’s in that beaker. i know you fucking want to
.
morgause: my therapist is selling her house so i’m gonna find the listing online and make her living room my zoom backgrounds before our next session. you wanna get in my head? ok well i’m in your home babe. i’m in charge now
morgana: yeah i see why you’re in therapy
.
morgana: i hate it when people ask me to “explain my thought process” like hell if i know
morgana: what’s going on in that head of yours?” nothing i want to be a part of
.
mordred: hey girls what’s the hot gossip what’s new what’s the 411
morgana and morgause: everything is bad and getting worse by the day
.
morgause: common letter greetings from 1889
morgause: dearest my-soon-to-be-enemy
morgause: salutations and i hope you enjoy contact prison
morgause: i hope this letter finds you in a ditch
.
arthur: *highlights all the wrong and unimportant stuff with full confidence*
.
merlin: i’ve tried opening my mouth and saying words before and i’ve gotta say, i’m not a fan
.
morgana: a large group of humans is called a fuck that
.
website: synonyms for blood: juice
mithian: thank you thesaurus.com, that is absolutely not what i was looking for
.
gwaine: gen z humor was single-handedly cultivated by the zoo wee mama comic and you can’t convince me otherwise
.
morgana: screw this it’s halloween now *turns into a swarm of bats them consumes the moon*
.
morgana: i can’t believe the heterosexuals are gone. they’re gone
uther: we’re still here
arthur: who said that
.
gwaine: no more france
gwaine: society has progressed passed the need for france
.
morgause: girls night out (of body experience)
.
morgana, to morgause: what do you mean “what have i been up to”...i’m out here ruining my own life as always bitch
.
merlin: stop complaining about your life. there are literally people living in camelot
.
arthur, trying to find new knights: oh so you’re a human? name three pictures with traffic lights in them
.
gwaine: we mcfreaking lost her doctor
.
morgause: looking for a wife in the walmart
.
morgause: arrested for visiting www.killing.com/murder
.
gwaine, to merlin: no bro this isn’t a date listen bro
gwaine: it’s bruhnch
.
morgause, to cenred: if you think i’m not interested, you’re right
.
gwen: put a pancake on a girl’s head when she’s asleep to keep her warm and safe
.
morgana: idk what mad scientist needs to hear this today but your goggles and lab coat are incredibly flattering and all your experiments will block away the scientific community who called you a fool
.
morgause: i’m gonna fucking die disease
morgause: symptoms: back hurts a bit too much for a bit too long
.
arthur: if you think i’m annoying now wait until i get over my fear of being perceived as annoying
.
merlin: sorry if i’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
.
gwaine: home depot needs more small tunnels for me to crawl through tbh
.
percival: hot tip: soup is customizable! go wild but know your limits
.
morgana: brains say “i know a spot” and take you to a traumatic memory from 2011
.
mithian: “can you multitask” yes actually i am losing my mind and chilling at the same time
.
morgana: quarantine schedule to keep you on track
morgana: wake up
morgana: neglect online school
morgana: yearn (ongoing project)
morgana: again!
.
mithian: if cats don’t want to be held like little babies maybe they shouldn’t be roughly the size and shape of little babies
.
morgause: fuck this pandemic i could’ve ruined 2020 on my own
.
morgana: a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her for some fucking reason “damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp” and somehow still got her number so. chase your dreams. nothing is impossible apparently
.
morgana: oh to wear a knife strapped against my thigh beneath a silk dress
.
morgana, running off with morgause at the end of season 2: i hate this place i want to go to build a bear
.
morgana, at work: i’m evil
morgana, 1 second after clocking out: not evil anymore i want to be loved now
morgana, the next day at work: evil again
.
season 2 morgana: i am fine thank you for asking! though recently there has been a darkness growing within me
.
morgause: *thinks about love* okay well i am just losing my mind and being insane now
.
arthur: you think you can hurt my feelings? i’ve been the least favorite in every single friendship group i’ve had since i was 8
.
morgana, staring out the window at arthur and merlin: look at them plotting my downfall
.
mithian: i wanna buy clown noses in bulk and start sticking them on every person i see whose mask is pulled too low
.
mithian: oh to be a tiny cat whose biggest concern is the looming threat of being gently picked up and kissed on the head
.
morgana: i deserve to be kissed
.
morgana: did you have a homoerotic friendship with a girl in high school that ended in tragedy and you two are never talking again or are you normal?
.
mithian: just diagnosed with forehead kiss deficiency :/
.
morgana: i think i’ll continue to wear a mask when this shit’s all over, and huge sunglasses. my face is none of your business
.
morgause: my therapist told me that sometimes when a person consumes the same piece of media over and over they may be unconsciously coping with a mental block so now i’m trying to figure out what the fuck i was going through that made me watch ratatouille 8 times a day for a solid month in middle school
.
morgause: opposite of depression nap. depression awakeness. refreshing the same three websites over and over. there’s nothing new on any of them. eight seconds have passed and it feels like a century
.
morgana: very homophobic that my head is not laying on the chest of my maidservant as i am drifting off to sleep
.
merlin: no no, it’s fine, i’ll text myself back
.
morgana: *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns* *pines* *longs* *yearns*
.
arthur: i’d have to be a fool not to? being a fool and not doing things are my top two activities
.
gwaine: you think it’s easy to be me? you think it’s easy to get up every. single. day. and be an industrial grade dumbass? well it’s not. but that’s what i do. and i’ll never stop.
.
morgana: ah shit i’m sorry man, my schedule for the week is all booked
sunday: yearn
monday: pine
tuesday: long
wednesday: ache
thursday: sigh
friday: lament
saturday: crave
.
morgana: talents include: being a public menace, denying God’s will, petting dogs, yearning, being dramatic, witchcraft, quoting classic literature when no one asked, napping, befriending a murder of crows, being gay, covering up my emotions by being “the funny friend” when in reality i’m really going through it, wistfully staring out the car window
.
merlin: *doesn’t even do the bare minimum* all in a day’s work
.
cenred: a “period” is not an excuse to have an attitude
morgause: i miss the times when men would go to war and die
.
morgana: the cheap halloween vampire fangs stay ON during sex
.
gwen: maybe i pspspspsp’ed you because i love you. did you think of that? huh?
.
morgana: mom said it’s my turn to hand out the ominous and vague warnings
arthur: that wasn’t mom
uther: she JUST SAID it was her turn
.
morgause: i’m a chill person but if my back doesn’t stop hurting i’m going to take out my spine and beat God with it
.
mithian: one of these days i’m going to say the f word
mithian: then you’ll all be sorry
.
morgause: 3 words every girl wants to hear
morgause: club penguin membership
.
morgana: hmm, yes.
morgana: time to s i p
morgana: some *~crispy~*
morgana: d i h y d r o g e n m o n o x i d e
.
morgause: roll call! raise your hand if you’re in the following fandoms:
morgause: 1. suffering 2. the pain of living
morgana: *raises both hands and a leg*
.
leon: it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
.
merlin: yeah bro hit me up and we’ll cancel some plans sometime
.
morgana: my brain, or as i like to call it, the suffer contraption
.
morgause: my circle so small i almost cut myself off
.
morgause hyping herself up before entering any public area: i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal i’m normal
.
arthur: today in french we learned how to say “what’s in the bag” and i couldn’t stop laughing because
arthur: swaggity swag qu’est-ce qui dans le sac
.
merlin: even when i am not speaking, know that horrible sentences are raging within me
.
mithian in 5x04: sorry bro i can’t go out tonight. i’m stuck in an eternal state of melancholy
.
morgause: shower gel label: immerse yourself in this new “Me Time” luxury frooty tooty. abandon all sense of identity and dissolve your memories into this soothing chemical broth. one billion melons are in this tube...use them wisely
.
leon, writing a headline about the most recent knights’ mission: local dumbasses knew that what they were getting themselves into and did it anyways
.
morgana: *feels random pain in body*
morgana: kill me
.
mithian: *slowly inches closer to your pet*
.
morgause: *refuses to look at texts* i love conversation and communication
.
arthur: cute gender neutral things to call your partner
arthur: significant annoyance
.
leon: the most unrealistic fantasy trope is the one where half of the pair works in some sort of shop and one is a customer because i have literally never thought about a customer with anything other than contempt
.
gwaine: why is everyone talking about 1d all of a sudden did one of them die
elyan: they’re 10 years old now
gwaine: i wish them luck 4th grade is tough!!
.
gwaine: must i pursue a career? is it not enough to be passionate about tv shows and snack foods?
.
leon, aroace: cool date idea: me eating oatmeal by myself
.
morgana: i have no self of steam
.
gwaine: i hate wearing a mask. i miss being able to gently kiss my trader joe’s cashier on the lips after they ring up my $8 box of blueberries
.
morgana: committing acts of violence today…*pushes morgause’s glass of water off the counter*
.
gwaine: mario will do anything to put a smile on your face
.
morgana: haha we get along so well...our brains just work the same way
morgause, after changing her entire personality to match morgana’s after analyzing the way she talks and texts: haha yeah it’s incredible
.
gwaine: covered in sauce, trembling
.
arthur: *says the vaguest most incoherent shit ever*
arthur: you know what i mean :/
.
[online]
morgana: *screenshots things her girlfriend said to her so she can read it again later* yeah i’m not gay
uther: dude no offence i don’t want to sound like an sjw or anything but if you have a girlfriend you’re straight. that’s just how it works
morgana: i’m a girl
uther: what the fuck
.
morgana: the second you say “family group chat” i know we are not the same
.
gwen: what if early in the morning after buying groceries we got caught in the rain and i used my jacket to cover your head ut we still got soaked and we made a fire at home and brewed tea and sat together watching the rain as our cats hid under our feets at each sound of thunder and we ate stew for dinner and watched tv until we fell asleep on the couch with your head resting on my shoulder
.
gwaine, to percival: hold my hand bro we’re crossing the street
.
percival: imageine if we all just started ignoring celebrities though
percival: i can’t stop thinking about how funny this would be. imagine kyie jenner posting a selfie and it gets 12 likes
.
morgana: this isn’t fun anymore i need a kiss
.
morgause at 1159 pm: life’s great lol
morgause at 1201 am: does anyone really know me? most importantly do i really know me? what if life doesn’t get better than this?
.
merlin: king i needbfjdjgnjfg qldkr snmsmdjgjt ….. .. i need--fjrjkrhgphpqn dd
arthur: huh *dunks merlin’s head back underwater*
.
morgana: i don’t go to therapy or take any pills i just rawdog life and let my brain turn into soup
.
mordred: dark emails
morgause: to whom it WILL concern
morgana: now that this email has found you
.
gwaine: hi waiter could i get the spaghetti i promise i’ll behave this time
.
merlin: the sexiest thing about me? everything hurts my feelings
.
gwaine: how is sex fun if i have to remove my crocs to have it
elyan: if he makes you remove your crocs for sex he isn’t the one
.
morgause: a motherfucker could use an embrace
.
morgana: every night after 10pm my feelings start crawling out, starved, as i beat them with a moderately large stick vigorously hissing “stay back” until i inevitably fall asleep
.
fanfiction: there’s only one room available…
morgause, who specifically chose a rated m and explicit story: oh my gosh there’s only one room they’re gonna share a bed what’s gonna happen next
.
morgana: i can have a little unrealistic romantic fantasy. as a treat
.
arthur: some of y’all weren’t asked out as a joke in middle school and it shows
.
morgana: how is everyone doing. i’ll go first i’m doing badly
.
morgana: being a kid was so fucking funny we’d just go around lying to each other’s faces constantly to impress each other one of the knights told me he was the first person to visit the sun and when i asked him what it was like to prove he was lying he said he didn’t remember because they sent him there when he was a baby and to this day the mental image of nasa launching an unsupervised baby into the sun still makes me crack up
.
elyan: do you wish you were seeing somebody
leon: a therapist
.
morgause: when you see someone from high school and they don’t recognize you that’s the exact opposite of the mortifying ordeal of being known. the gratifying relief of being forgotten
.
[texting]
morgana: you seem hard to kill
morgause: aw thank you
morgause: i haven’t been killed yet
morgana: to your knowledge
morgause: what
.
morgana: just truly bonkers how much i love lying down……..like being horizontal? Unparalleled
.
arthur: when i was younger i really thought that piranhas were going to be a bigger issue for me than they’ve turned out to be
.
morgause: filling out the depression and anxiety checkboxes at the doctors is always so sad but also very very funny
morgause: i am handed a piece of paper. i check off a box that says “every day i wish i were dead”. i hand back the paper. the paper and its contents are never again discussed.
.
morgana: unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, i cannot just “walk up and join the circle of people talking”, but it does sound lovely thank you
.
morgana: if california is so expensive why don’t you move to somewhere like ohio
morgause: full offense but i’d rather be dead in california than alive in ohio
morgause: ugly and uninspiring--review of ohio
.
morgana: staying up late not even fun anymore it’s just sad
.
morgause: everyone should be comfortable in their own skin :)
morgause’s brain: except for you
morgause: except for me :)
.
mithian: please peer pressure me into finishing projects
merlin: do it or you’re straight
mithian: i said peer pressure not threaten
.
morgause: the year is 2030. bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. the uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. i go to hug my wife for comfort. she is cake.
morgause: i sob in despair as i eat my cake wife. she is delicious
.
gwen: do ladies love stupid men or do they just love men who don’t exhaust every opportunity to feel smart
gwen: “i used to think that melancholy was a vegetable” that’s incredible, let’s hang out more
.
morgause: basically i accidentally listened to a song a few years ago and it led to this
.
morgana: *desperately tries to romanticise her homework*
.
uther: do i have to be pretty? is it not enough to simply be the loudest person in the room with the worst opinions
.
morgana: oh i can’t possibly study, i have allotted the next six hours to yearning vaguely
.
morgause: allow me to de-introduce myself
morgause: my name is [redacted]
.
arthur: i have no good posts today i’m sorry guys
merlin: haha “today”
.
mordred: “do we perhaps use magic because we were bullied and needed blah blah special interest blah blah” shut the FUCK up i use magic to see my anime husband’s big fucking honkers. sorry you got pantsed in front of your crush
morgana: i came here to bully people
mordred: is it because you got pantsed in front of your crush
morgana: no it’s because i’m deranged
.
mithian: pretty sure seven deadly sins is a bit excessive
mithian: just combine wrath and gluttony and make hangry
mithian: sloth and pride make Bottoming
.
morgana: despicable me ruined the word minion whenever i become a supervillain i’m just going to have to call them my homies or whatever
.
gwen: as a bisexual i am attracted to lanky boys with dark hair, girls who look like they could kill me, and anyone wearing vampire teeth
.
morgana: if someone tried to assassinate me that would make me feel so important and valued and beloved
.
gwaine: turn down for whom?
.
mithian: fact: usage of the word “the” has begun to decline. this is because as more and more people become educated, usage of the word “thoum’st” has become more common.
.
morgana, kidnapping mithian in 5x04: truth or dare? uhhh i dare you to………………………………..fall in love with me. haha i’m just joking bro………………..unless…………………………?
.
gwaine: my thoughts are like a clearance sale
gwaine: once it’s gone it’s gone
.
morgana: *pronounces “hors d’oeuvres” as “horse divorce” specifically to piss off morgause*
.
gwaine: do you prefer women or men?
leon: death
.
morgause: honestly no offense but i love falling asleep and sleeping. it’s like. ok goodnight
.
morgause: ngl it’s kinda difficult to be the moody and mysterious background character in everyone’s life when you’re quarantined at home
.
morgause: i need to get laid
morgause: --to rest. put me in a coffin, let my soul ascend
.
gwaine: it takes a lot of heart to be this stupid
gwaine: it takes real strength not to know shit about fuck
.
elyan: what’s your favorite anime?
leon: i’m a christian
.
arthur: just bought this tapeworm from etsy!
lancelot: where are you gonna keep it
arthur: :)
merlin: i don’t like this conversion very much
.
gwaine: i’m home alone with the tv repair man
gwaine: i’m no fool, there are only two possible outcomes of this scenario
gwaine: porn or murder
gwaine, an hour later: apparently there was an unforeseen third outcome where he fixes the tv and then leaves
.
morgause: well tomorrow fucking sucked
.
morgana: dark brunch
morgana: *mixes a mimosa with evil intent*
morgause: this is just what being gay is like
.
gwaine: movie idea: guy finds a stone tablet engraved with a mysterious alien language and gets caught up in a national treasure-esque adventure to decipher its meaning, only to learn that it’s just an alien “live laugh love” decoration
.
arthur: sorry i didn’t mean to open your ig story 20 seconds after you posted i’m just unemployed
.
arthur: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful
morgana: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars
OR
cenred: why do you say men are objects? that’s not true and hurtful
morgause: men are on sale at the grocery store for a few dollars
.
morgana: wow would you look at that. it’s already that time of the night where i move the stuff on my bed to my chair. can’t wait until tomorrow when i move the stuff from my chair back onto my bed
.
gwaine: hi i’m bethany with girl defined ministry and today we are going to be talking about how to stan my chemical romance in a God-honoring way
.
morgana: bottom: ,,, !!! ;;; vers: …. top: no punctuation whatsoever
morgause: tops are illiterate
.
morgause: i slept for almost 12 hours but i might still be tired so let’s go for 12 more just in case
morgana: morgause that’s a coma
morgause: sounds festive
.
mithian: i am a simple woman. i enter the kitchen. i eat four servings of bread products. i leave.
gwaine: it’s one serving if you serve all of it to yourself
mithian: i like the way you think, friend
.
gwaine: spencer from icarly and rodrick from diary of a wimpy kid are on the opposite ends of the same spectrum
elyan: the gay older brother scale
.
merlin: i found a rock :)
merlin: my troubles will soon be over
gwaine: parasite (2019) dir. bong joon ho
percival: uncut gems (2019) dir. josh and benny safdie
elyan: cain
.
morgana: social distancing is okay for me bc i’ve been touch starved since the 15th century. i’m used to it
.
mithian: fanfiction hits different when you’re gay and yearning and haven’t experienced an ounce of romance in your life
.
morgause: callout for rude baby seen at grocery store
morgause: i’m calling out a baby (approximately 12-14 months old) from the grocery store due to its rudeness. i’m guessing its age based on appearance, motor skills (atrocious) and whatnot. anyway, i smiled at this baby and it just stared at me. as soon as i began to move on, though, the baby said “no!” and started giggling when i turned back around. this happened multiple times. the baby’s actions were toxic and manipulative. the baby was also manhandling a package of dried fruit which wasn’t yet paid for (quite minor) and was just generally sitting around and not helping
.
gwen: we need to melt down all the pennies and make the statue of liberty a girlfriend
.
morgause: had a realization in a dream i just had that this isn’t real and i can just do whatever i want and so i started shrinking the face of this guy that was talking to me and then once it got real small i woke up sleep paralyzed
morgause: i was given godlike powers over the universe by realizing it’s all in my head and the first thing i did was use them to torment the nearest man
morgause: and the actual God woke me up and put be into a 5 minute timeout to lay frozen and think about what i’ve done
.
morgana: does anyone else feel an awkward tension whenever you see another person your age in the grocery store
.
gwaine: the number 87 kinda looks like a plague doctor
percival: you’ve just changed the fucking game
elyan: [|87
.
morgana: a lonely bitch...a loner...i love isolation AND detachment
.
gwaine: i will not call the judges “your honor”. in america we don’t have titles of nobility. they will get a simple “yes dude” from me
gwaine: calling big bird just “bird” because i do not respect him
.
morgause: *photo of a pizza in a bad* caught the bae sleepin
mordred: now why would you waste a perfectly good pizza :(
morgause: that “waste” happens to be my wife getting her beauty sleep. think before you speak
.
gwaine: *finishes wedding vows* don’t forget to like and subscribe
.
morgana: *is bitter but is also right*
.
morgana: how dare you not notice me when i’m ignoring you
.
morgause, killing cenred: men be like i’m bilingual i speak english and over women
.
gwaine: after i move i really wanna get a used roomba
percival: i love that you’re adopting instead of buying from a breeder
.
mordred: joking about a kink is a gateway drug into developing said kink
morgana: my kink is mental, emotional, and financial stability
morgause: unrealistic, settle for choking like normal people
.
gaius: gay people use halloween props as home decor year round
morgana: shut up shut up this black jar with a raven painted on it is holiday-neutral
.
[texting]
morgause: can you come out?
morgana: yeah gimme a minute
morgana: morgause, i’m gay
morgause: i know that. come out to the car
morgana: car, i’m gay
.
morgause: God FUCKING damnit i’m such a hopeless romantic one day someone’s gonna say “i love you” and i’m just going to let out an agonized scream so horrible that they immediately change their mind
.
gaius: i’m not wearing glasses anymore i’ve seen enough
.
morgause: sorry my battery’s on 96% i gtg
.
morgause: you hate me? wow you think you’re hot shit and original huh well i hated me first so you can go grab a number and wait your turn
.
morgana: don’t ignore me ?? i despise being ignored ?? i mean i’m ignoring like 8 people right now but still ???
.
morgana: shoutout to my favorite coping mechanism, isolation
.
morgana: the concept of physical beauty is a scam unless you’re calling me cute in which case it is valid, actually
.
merlin: oh, so when other people go outside it’s “good for their health” and “highly recommended”, it’s only when i do it that it’s a “containment breach” and a “high-level threat to public safety and security”, huh?
.
gwaine: a charming photo of young john mulaney, seemingly celebrating the kennedy assassination
merlin: princess diana wasn’t john mulaney’s first kill
.
morgause: hate when i got out in public and the public is there
morgana: it seems the public is no longer in the public
morgause: i’ve won...but at what cost?
.
morgana: girls will see a chance to commit arson and be like “sorry, i have to take this”
morgause: girls will see a building that’s not on fire and say “is anyone gonna burn that” and not wait for an answer
3 notes · View notes