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#and the fact that she just cant comprehend a world where she can be actually happy
evvlevie · 2 years
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I SHIFTED FOR THE FIRST TIME !!!!  (as detailed as a shifting blogger can be but scroll down for the juicy part)
Hi, Hello, my beautiful beautiful readers! It's your favorite blogger Evie again and I don't know where to begin 😭 You've read the title so you know damn well what this post is about, and I am freaking over the moon to say it finally happened!
"So how did you shift?" Is most likely your very first question, and I promise I will answer it, but not without giving you full context on what led up to this magical event (or just scroll down in case only the shifting part concerns you)
so as I mentioned in my last post I had been in this state of not putting any effort into my shifting attempts anymore and basically treating shifting like any other of my manifestations: that it will happen on its own, if I simply want to.
⇣the post in question in case you're interested⇣
"Did it work?", you may be wondering. It did not. It might work for other people, because some points I made in that post still apply to me, but the idea of just counting on it to happen on its own didn't really work in my case. This being said, just because it didn't work for me, doesn't mean it can't work for you, and if you are an advanced manifestor who has complete trust in the law, this mindset might even be yours to apply.
Ever since I posted this, some days went by and my typical shifting-cycle repeated. I didn't shift after being so confident I would, and then the realization hit hard and I became severely demotivated. I even told my shifting bestie I was about to give up and lucky for me she motivated me and gave me back my faith. Speaking of faith: I had been noticing that certain angel numbers kept reoccurring in my life. The numbers being 1237 and 119. These numbers seem random, but 12:37 is the time my niece was born and 11th of September is my birthday. (yes I was born on 9/11, no not in the year that it happened, but two years later which is basically irrelevant information but it's a little fun fact about me.) I always thought the universe was showing me my birthday, up until I googled both of these numbers and realized they both mean something among the lines of "keep faith and trust in the universe". And lucky for you I did.
⇣small fangirl and shout-out-moment ⇣
Then on Monday I had a doctors appointment, and being bored in the waiting room I opened Tumblr. My feed was full of law of assumption content and I actually took the time and read through them all, and I reposted the ones I felt like gave me a lot of insight. Now to the freaking craziest part of all of this. (okay not true but it sure meant the world to me). I wake up in Tuesday and see that THE @astra-nomy reposted my post about the newest shifting tip I had found, and not only that, my comfort-shifter @multiversebaddie not only liked one of my posts, BUT FOLLOWED ME BACK. All in the same night and even right after another. CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THAT DID TO ME????? I was like no, nope you guys, I can't not shift if my favourite shifting and loa bloggers fucking found out I existed. (APHRODITE FOLLOWS ME I CANT COMPREHEND THAT). Plus @lavender--fairy commented on the post mentioned earlier, and her post that I reblogged, was the one who actually gave me the key to shifting. Hell yes. I mean I knew what I needed to know from other bloggers anyway, but her post actually brought me back to the correct mindset.
✧THE ACTUAL SHIFTING EXPERIENCE AKA THE REASON YOU ARE READING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE✧
so now it is Wednesday. I never really talked about what DR I am shifting to, and I mentioned it somewhere on an old ass post but to put it as briefly as I can: my DR contains a certain group of YouTubers, and I am shifting so I can be friends with them. Now they post videos on Wednesdays and due to the time difference I get to watch them at 11:30 pm, so basically right before going to bed. I went and grabbed a quick shower and then I laid in bed and started doing what I was always doing: affirming. But due to me being me this quickly turned into overthinking and overcomplicating EVERYTHING which is why I stopped, went back on TikTok to clear my thoughts a little and then returned to my attempt.
✨ THE METHOD ✨
☞ I laid in a position most comfortable to me and I started imagining myself in my DR making myself ready for bed. In my head I reminded myself of the thing that I was able to remember due to @lavender--fairy 's post: The 4D is the real reality, and the 3D is only the translation of your inner thoughts. meaning: if I can visualize it, I am already IN it.
☞ Along with me imagining my DR-me doing what I did, I always reminded myself (affirming if you will) that if I can imagine it, I am in it. I purposely chose the Visualization of me doing things I was already doing in my CR day-to-day because you can feel the moment so much better and ground yourself in that reality way easier than imagining me climbing a mountain since I never did that.
☞ I was making myself aware over and over again, that the imagination is the real reality and that if I can imagine it, I am in it. For as long as I was trying to fall asleep. I even moved and rearranged my position constantly, imagining that I was my DR-me doing the same thing. I really just emerged myself in that visualization and started feeling what ever I did, because essentially that's how manifestation works. You don't need to worry about the 3D, and you don't have to feel like you're lacking something. You imagined it in the 4D, so you already did it silly!
☞ In combination to that I never forced myself to stay focused on my DR. Because as mentioned in this post below, you are supposed to let you mind do its own thing in a way, because you can't shift If you are too aware of what you are trying to do.
✨ THE MOMENT ✨
I found myself in this weird state between falling asleep and still being conscious enough to see and understand what you are envisioning. So I was technically awake while it happened. I didn't visualize my DR anymore, instead my mind went into a completely different direction and I saw myself buying milk with Harry Styles. No I did not even script him into my DR, this was just my brain doing brain things. Nonetheless I was still affirming that if I can see it, I am in it, and suddenly I felt myself getting pulled. I heard a little whooshing sound and I literally zoomed out of my body. I was standing in a dark corridor and I could see an open door in the distance with a little something happening in the room it was leading to but I was too far away to see what was happening. Suddenly the corridor started spinning and I felt myself getting pulled into a whole different door. I gained consciousness in this unknown room, but I couldn't tell where I was, or what I was seeing, because it was just dark in there and my eyes had no chance of adjusting quickly enough. I panicked and before I could even comprehend it, I knew I set the intention to shift back to my CR. I got pulled back into this mysterious corridor and shoved into another door by some weird energy and I opened my eyes back in the CR. I know it wasn't a dream because this whole zooming out, the mysterious energy sending me from door to door and the random dark room felt way too physical for it to be a dream. I could literally feel myself in this corridor as only a "being" of some sort, but definitely not as a human with a physical form. From the many success stories I have read regarding shifting realities, I have noticed that many shifters do not reach their desired reality on their first try. Almost every shifter that has talked about shifting mentioned that their first shift was weird and to a strange, undefined reality. (@multiversebaddie shifted to a random ass classroom for example)
✨ ADVICE TO TAKE AWAY FROM THIS EXPERIENCE ✨
I believe I shifted when I did, because my mind was in this gloomy state between conscious and unconscious, which ultimately made me believe myself on the spot when I told myself the affirmations I mentioned earlier. I did not doubt them and that's probably why the void state is such a powerful state to be in, because even if I wasn't, I imagine it to be very similar to this.
Another thing, that won't hurt you is educating yourself on the law of assumption. I know it helped me a lot and I believe that people who struggle with shifting, would benefit if they understood the way manifestation worked because ultimately manifestation and shifting is the same thing.
If you read everything from top to bottom: I love you. If you are doubting shifting, your ability to do it, or wether or not it is real: I can guarantee you as a first-person-witness: not only is it real, it's something every single dingus out there can achieve! And if I can help you in any way, shape, or form: don't be afraid to ask.
I send a lot of love and a lot of positive vibes to everyone reading this! I had been waiting to do this post ever since I created my blog and I still can't believe that I finally got to do it 😭
Yours in every reality
Evie <3
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chisatowo · 3 years
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Haunted apartment au thoughts time
(Also hi this is me post writing the tags of this post I sort of went off on a weird tangent and reached the tag limit so now it feels kinda weird just posting this bdmsbsmsg)
#rat rambles#haunted apartment au#almost none of the characters involved are in a good state mentally when the story starts#shuichi is trying so hard to improve apon his life but its all just so exhausting#and everyone around him seems to be handling this shit so easily#and he doesnt have any form of strong stability and its scary#himiko is in a state of feeling horrible and depressed all of the time but not wanting to work forward#both because of tge fear and expectation of faliure#and the fact that she just cant comprehend a world where she can be actually happy#and doesnt know how to even begin reaching for a future she doesnt belive she has#and I was going to type out a thing for kaede top but tbh this has bedn for the sake of stress relief and I think Im calming down now#dealing with shitty mental health is hard.#and its hard to accept sometimes that its both always going to be at least a little hard and that its still worth it anyways#sometimes it doesnt feel like you have a future#like youre reaching out for nothing#or walking through darkness#but just because you cant see something doesnt mean its not there#and eventually you will see it. and youll be able to look back and understand that it was always in front of you#and it wont be like a finish line to mental stability#and it might be frustrating reaching one goal only to realise that theres still more journey to make#but each time you reach that future moving forward will become a little easier#because even if you still cant see the next step you can at least trust that there may still be something there#a couple years ago I probably could have never been able to imagine a future in which I didnt fully hate myself#but regardless I still reached it#maybe not fully but. I know I can improve now. its hard but not impossible#Im not fully happy by any means but I am doing way better than I was before and Im happy about that#the future is scary to me right now. but I can only hope that things will clear up as I move forward#and hopefully one day I can look back on now in the same way that I look back on my middle school years now#sorry for going off on a weird tangent on my dr au post#I think I feel a lot better now though
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lesbianlenas · 3 years
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ppl who try to push the idea that supercorp is “toxic” bc they just want to dunk on the most popular lesbian pairing ever only really prove how they aren’t able to think critically abt media lol. you cant connect certain aspects of their relationship to a real life relationship simply bc it’s all conflated by the fact that it is a superhero show in a world where aliens exist. in the real world kara would not be an alien superhero and would not have had to lie to lena at all. and even if lena had been hurt by kara in a more real to life circumstance she would not have potentially turned dark side or used kryptonite on kara bc that’s not a real thing. like on tv real life scenarios like a friend betraying another one and them having a falling out are exaggerated into “one friend lies abt her secret superhero identity and the other is so devastated she wants to mind control the whole world so they’ll never have to feel hurt like her” to 1. raise the stakes 2. make it entertaining and 3. really hit home the extent of kara and lena’s relationship and how much they really do care for each other. like having lena want to mind control ppl was never to show she’s a bad person but to emphasize the extent to which kara had hurt her. (as well as to prove that lena is and always has been good but not the point here.) but ppl aren’t used to seeing women actually have genuine relationships w each other on tv that may have conflicts whether that be friendship or otherwise & cannot comprehend this for some reason. kara and lena have done nothing but uplift and support one another for the majority of their dynamic and that is what really reflects the nature of their relationship. and just as well the underlying message of s5 is that kara and lena make each other better and both need AND want each other and their love for one another can overcome the luthor/super dynamic that has been hanging over their heads the whole time. but if ppl want to use surface level reads to justify their hatred of an incredible lesbian pairing they can go ahead and do that idc but i will stay having fun w my girls!
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Five years ago, the women on this site who treated me like trash over loving Labyrinth and shipping Jareth/Sarah were almost always obliviously consuming Radfem propaganda, or were out and out Radfems/Terfs themselves.
They were the types of people who casually threw the word “pedophile” around against grown women who shipped an adult Sarah with Jareth, aka literally one of the most popular ships for women in fandom for 30 years.
Pretty much invariably, these women had serious sex-negative anxieties, which included a severe paranoia about any and all kink and fetish, and porn in general. I saw a lot of shocking, fear-mongering propaganda surrounding sexual expression. Pretty much invariably, their method of approach involved immediate personal shock-value attacks on anyone they perceived to be “bad.”
Today, you can look at the way some people react to other popular so-called “problematic” ships and recognize the same toxic, fear-mongering rhetoric coming from women who consider themselves regular, trans-inclusive feminists. Sometimes it even manifests in the words of very well-meaning people (including myself here), who feel the need to talk about specific issues that pertain to their own experiences of trauma and oppression.
The people who shit on Labyrinth often seem to not really be able to comprehend that the Goblin King, like the film itself, is canonically a representation of a teen girl’s psyche, a soup of fears and anxieties and desires and dreams. He’s not a literal human adult preying on a literal child, and to read the film that way seriously undermines the entire point of the film. 
When I (and people of many fandoms) say “This is fiction, calm down,” I’m not just saying it’s not real so it cant hurt you and you can’t criticize me. I’m trying to call attention to what fiction actually is - artistic representations of feelings and experiences. The Goblin King is Sarah’s fiction. Therefore, he can be anything she or any woman who identifies with her wants him to be, including her lover when she’s grown and ready for such a thing.
I once took an alarming dive into Beetlejuice fandom to see what content was there (the cartoon was a favorite when I was little). Chillingly, what you’ll find is an extremely wounded fanbase, with a sharp divide between the older women who had long been shipping BJ/Lydia because of their love for the cartoon series (and whom were previously the vast majority of the Beetlejuice fandom), and a massive amount of young people riding the wave of the musical fad who had decided that the entire old school Beetlejuice fandom was populated by literal pedophiles. 
I saw death threats. Suicide baiting. Constant, constant toxic discourse. It did not matter how the BJ/Lydia fandom dealt with any particular issues that would exist in their ship, in fact I’m certain that the people abusing them cared very little to even consider if they were trying to handle it at all. The only thing that mattered was that they were disgusting subhuman scum asking for abuse. If you have at any time reblogged recent Beetlejuice fan art or content from fans of the musical, you have more than likely been engaging positively with the content of someone participating in toxic fandom behavior.
Nobody is really sticking up for them, either, as far as I saw. It’s really hard to imagine how painful it must be to have such a large group of people explode into into your relatively private fandom space to tell you that you are evil, vile, and deserve constant abuse, and also you are no longer allowed into the fandom space to engage in it’s content. But I think there’s something very alarming indeed about this happening specifically to the BJ fandom, and I’ll explain why. 
The pop-culture characterization of Beetlejuice, which is heavily influenced by the cartoon series to be clear, has always in my mind been a vaguely ageless being who matches with the psychological maturity of whatever age Lydia is supposed to be. He’s more or less like an imaginary friend, a manifestation of Lydia’s psyche. In fact, I would argue that i think most of us who grew up with the cartoon or it’s subsequent merchandizing before the musical ever existed probably internalized the idea as BJ and Lydia as this ageless, salt-and-pepper-shaker couple beloved by the goth community, similar to Gomez and Morticia. In each version of canon he may be a creepy ghost in the literal sense, but any adult who is capable of identifying literary tropes (even just subconciously) would read cartoon!BJ as an artistic representation of a socially awkward outcast girl’s inner world. Lydia’s darker dispositions and interests, which alienate her from most others, are freely accepted and embraced by her spooky magical friend. BJ/Lydia in the cartoon were depicted as best friends, but to my memory there was always an underlying sense that they had secret feelings for each other, which I identified easily even as a small child. In fact, their dynamic and behavior perfectly reflected the psychological development of the show’s target demographic. They are best friends who get into adventures and learning experiences together, who have delicate feelings for each other but lack any true adult romantic/sexual understanding to acknowledge those feelings, let alone pursue them.
Though I haven’t seen the Musical yet, I’ve read the wiki and I would argue that it embodies this exact same concept even more so for it’s own version of the characters, in that Beetlejuice specifically exists to help Lydia process her mother’s death.
This is not a complicated thing to recognize and comprehend whatsoever. In fact, it looks downright blatant. It’s also a clear indicator of what BJ/Lydia means to the women who have long loved it. It was a story about a spooky wierd girl being loved and accepted and understood for who she was, and it gave them a sense of solidarity. It makes perfect sense why those women would stick with those characters, and create a safe little space for themselves to and imagine their beloved characters growing and having adult lives and experiencing adult drama, in just the same ways that the women of the Labyrinth fandom do. That’s all these women were doing. And now, they can’t do it without facing intense verbal violence. That safe space is poisoned now.
Having grown up with the cartoon as one of my favorites and been around goth subculture stuff for decades, I was actually shocked and squicked at the original Beetlejuice film’s narrative once I actually saw it, because it was extremely divorced from what these two characters had evolved into for goth subculture and what they meant to me. It’s not telling the same story, and is in fact about the Maitland's specifically. In pretty much exactly the same way two different versions of Little Red Riding Hood can be extremely different from each other, the film is a different animal. While I imagine that the film version has been at the heart of a lot of this confused fear-mongering around all other versions of the characters, I would no more judge different adaptations of these characters any more than I would condemn a version of Little Red in which Red and the Wolf are best friends or lovers just because the very first iteration of LRRH was about protecting yourself from predators.
I would even argue that the people who have engaged in Anti-shipper behavior over BJ/Lydia are in intense denial over the fact that BJ being interested in Lydia, either as blatant predatory behavior a la the film or on a peer level as in the cartoon (and musical?) is an inextricable part of canon. Beetlejuice was always attracted to Lydia, and it was not always cute or amusing. Beetlejuice was not always a beloved buddy character, an in fact was originally written as a gross scumbag. That’s just what he was. Even people engaging with him now by writing OC girlfriends for him (as stand-ins for the salt-and-pepper-shaker space Lydia used to take up, because obviously that was part of the core fun of the characters), or just loving him as a character, are erasing parts of his character’s history in order to do so. They are actively refusing to be held responsible for being fans of new version of him despite the fact that he engaged in overt predatory behavior in the original film. In fact, I would venture to say that they are actively erasing the fact that Musical Beetliejuice tried to marry a teenager and as far as I’m aware, seemed to like the idea (because he’s probably a fucking figment of her imagination but go off I guess). The only reason they can have a version of this character who could be perceived as “buddy” material is because...the cartoon had an impact on our pop cultural perception of what the character and his dynamic with Lydia is. 
We can have a version of the Big Bad Wolf who’s a creepy monster. We can have a version who’s sweet and lovable. We can have a version that lives in the middle. We can have a version who’s a hybrid between Red and the Wolf (a la Ruby in OUAT). All of these things can exist in the same world, and can even be loved for different reasons by the same people.
I’ve been using Beetlejuice as an example here because it’s kind of perfect for my overall point regarding the toxic ideologies in fandom right now across many different spaces, including ones for progressive and queer media, and how much so many people don’t recognize how deeply they’ve been radicalized into literalist and sex-negative radfem rhetoric, to the point where we aren’t allowed to have difficult, messy explorations of imperfect, flawed humans, and that art is never going to be 100% pure and without flaw in it’s ability to convey what it wants to convey.
This includes the rhetoric I’ve seen across the board, from She-Ra to A:TLA to Star Wars to Lovecraft Country. We don’t talk about the inherent malleable, subjective, or charmingly imperfect nature of fiction any more. Transformation and reclamation are myths in this space. Everything is in rigid categories. It is seemingly very difficult for some of these people to engage with anything that is not able to be clearly labeled as one thing or another (see the inherent transphobic and biphobic elements of the most intense rhetoric). They destroy anything they cannot filter through their ideology. When women act in a way that breaks from their narrative of womanhood (like...not having a vagina), then those women must be condemned instead of understood. Anything that challenges them or makes them uncomfortable is a mortal sin. There is an extraordinary level of both hypocrisy and repressive denial that is underlying the behavior I’m seeing now. Much like toxic Christian conservatism, these people often are discovered engaging in the same behaviors and interests that they condemn behind closed doors (or just out of sheer cognitive dissonance). As an example, one of the people who talked shit to me about Labyrinth was a huge fan of Kill La Kill, which to my knowledge was an anime about a teenage girl in like, superpowered lingere (hence why I stayed the fuck away from that shit myself). Indeed, they even allow themselves plenty of leeway for behavior far worse than they condemn others for, and create support systems for the worst of their own abusers. 
Quite frankly, I’m tired. Instead of talking about theoretical problematic shit, we need to start talking about quantifiable harm. Because as far as I can tell, the most real, immediate, and quantifiable harm done because of anybody’s favorite ships or pieces of media seems to consistently be the kind that’s done to the people who experience verbal violence and abuse and manipulation and suicide baiting and death threats from the people who have a problem.
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barbarianprncess · 3 years
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percabeth as songs bc they own me
in no particular order along with era i associate it with and three lyrics that made me choose it.
waves by dean lewis : so i picture this in the post-btol/pre-tlo yearning™ era. this would definetly be more percy centric but theres still some angsty percabeth content.
A feeling I thought was set in stone; It slips through my fingers: percy's reckoning with the fact that one of the only steady thing in his demigod life is changing, and for the first time he doesnt know how to act around his best friend. (and annabeth reckoning with the only steady thing in her life in general changing) its! about! the! yearning!
Down to the place we used to lay when we were kids: best friends percabeth stargazing. thats it.
I watched my wild youth; Disappear in front of my eyes; Moments of magic and wonder; It seems so hard to find; Is it ever coming back again? Take me back to the feeling when; Everything was left to find: ok whew. i think this is when percy really starts to realize how powerful he is and it frightens him. its no longer just oooh i can breathe underwater and oh cool i can will myself dry. he claimed the prophecy at the end of ttc, but the weight of it is heavier now. he misses when being a demigod was bright and shiny and new. he misses being a kid. and he misses being a kid with annabeth. he misses her calling him seaweed brain and ruffling his hair and explaining this world of gods and demigods and monsters to him.
bedroom ceiling by sody: also post-btol/pre-tlo era BUT annabeths perspective.
How am I supposed to know you're not the one? : ok so this may just be me but i have this hc that annabeth is terrified that loosing a love worse than death wasn't luke turning into kronos, but her and percy never going back to how they were. its worse than death because hes right there and can't look her in the eye. i think the not knowing whether it was him or luke kills her far after the quest is over.
I wonder if you're moving on; If you are, what's your secret? 'Cause I can't work out where to start: annabeth was definetley hit hardest by lukes betrayal/giving himself over to kronos, and i think one of the things that unsettles her so much about percy and rachel isnt just plain jealousy. she cant comprehend how percy can think about anything else but saving luke stopping kronos. but she wants to. she wants so desperately to hate luke and to stop caring about him like percy does so they can go back to what they were. but she cant.
Is your bedroom ceiling bored like mine? Of you staring at it all the time; 'Cause it's seen so many nights where I cry and I yell at the sky for not telling you how I feel : i mean. self explanatory.
i'll keep you safe by sleeping at last. i picture this as percy's silent vow to keep annabeth alive during tlo. he never expressly makes the promise but the sheer number of 'don't touch her'- especially after the incident on the bridge- says it all. (now you could most certainly place this in tartarus and it would fit just as well)
Hold out your hand, can you feel the weight of it? The whole world at your fingertips: THIS IS THE ACHILLES SPOT TERRACE SCENE YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. (side note that scene makes me go absolutely FERAL) also i just think that hands>>. on a more serious not the “can you feel the weight of the world at your fingertips” how percy holds the weight of the world on his shoulders and in sharing his weak spot he is sharing the burden.
You'll be an architect, so pull up your sleeves; and build a new silhouette in the skylines up ahead: c’mon man. yk what this means.
Our mistakes, they were bound to be made. But i promise you i'll keep you safe: when it comes down to it the angst, the fights, the jealousy, the confusing feelings dont matter. and as soon as they start fighting (and as soon as annabeth gets hurt and the prospect of losing her gets real, all that matters is seeing his best friend alive.  
fine line by harry styles: this song encompasses percy and annabeths growth over the pjo series. im probably gonna do a percabeth edit once all five seasons come out bc of how perfectly it fits. so era is pjo in general but pre-hoo
You’ve got my devotion, but man I can hate you sometimes: this is tlt - som annabeth to percy. need i say more?
we’ll be the fine line: fine line is a great phrase for there entire relationship. until tlo they're always toeing against a line between something. the lines between reluctant allies to actual friends. pretty good friends to best friends. best friends to something more.
we’ll be alright: this is repeated in the song like a mantra growing louder and desperate. i like to think this is both a wish and a promise. even if they're life never slows down they’ll have each other and they'll make it alright. 
if youre still here thanks for listening to me rant and attempt analysis. im a mess about them lmao. i have a ton more so if yall like it ill do a part two :) 
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silenthorror · 2 years
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Patrick Bateman Patrick Bateman Patrick Bateman (summoning ur thoughts on him king
ur first mistake <3 spoilers 4 the american psycho book </3 and even more of my thoughts are here and here
OKAY. OKAY OKAY SO. i think one of the main motives that is driving patrick bateman to do certain things is definitely his craving for something Real and Tangible in his life. he wants consequences, he wants people to feel Real to him, to experience Real emotions. and i think this is definitely one of the themes most prevalent in the book that goes hand in hand with the commentary of yuppies that's prevalent as well. but that's not to to say that he feels Bad over his inhuman acts of violence that he takes over the course of the books. i think the scene that people bring up the most to "Prove" that he might feel bad is the phone scene, where he calls his lawyer and confesses his crimes to him, to somehow show that patrick bateman has empathy. i think its a kind of weird to take that scene and analyze it that way, yk? like he doesnt feel remorse over what he did; literally he ends the phone call with a dismissive "guess im a pretty sick guy" like he does not feel empathy for what he has done. the reason i think he even confessed in the first place is a) he was going through an episode, and this is proven when the police chase happens (i believe that this police scene did not actually happen, and that patrick bateman was just disassociating or just having a delusion but if it did happen, then it even MORESO goes with the theme of patrick bateman being stuck in a cycle but ykyky thats a whole another post JDFG) and b) he desperately wants to escape from the cycle that he has been put in since birth. he wants consequences for his actions, he wants to experience something real from the world. and this ties in with the yuppie theme that the culture is just the same and is so draining (wake up, go to a job you don't really need, go to a restaurant where you don't eat at just to show your wealth etc etc etc) he /can't/ get what he wants (to get out of the yuppie lfie, to actually experience something real) because he's afraid of the backlash. there's a chapter in the book where he goes on a date with his ex-gf from college and when she asks him why he goes to work, if he doesn't like it, if he doesn't even NEED to work, he says that he wants to fit in. this is ALSO shown in the movie in that iconic scene where evelyn says they should get married but patrick bateman says that he can't take time off of work. THATS LITERALLY THE SAME SCENE FROM THE BOOK. anyway. i think thats why he breaks up with evelyn later in the book too because he realizes that she isnt even real. like shes not her own person with her own ideas and morals and stuff. that chapter where they break up is probably one of my favorites because you can really get to Know the inner workings of his brain and stuff. and i ALSO think thats why he just blanky sometimes says he enjoys killing people; because he's so desperate for people to get out of their own social bubble and just be like "yo wtf this guy is a freak, he literally talks about how he wants to murder women like wtf" like he wants people to Notice him? he even mentions it offhandly in a chapter too (i cant remember which but really any one of them probably fits) and even later on where he kills a girl and slowly goes into a panicked manic state.
to even further prove the fact that nothing on earth feels Real to him is the multiple movie references he makes throughout the book, like cinematography techniques, like the "camera" zooming in and "music" coming on in the background. like hes fully not connected to the world around him like at all. hes not comprehending any of it but yet sometimes he does and its all Painful Real.
like hes not a happy person. hes not happy. again with the chapter where he's on a date with his ex, he says this, "Did you ever see me? Does anybody really /see/ anyone else?" and even in a chapter with his MOM, she mentions how he doesnt look happy. and like. HE DOESNT DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. he deserves to be stuck in the same cycle, in the same routine, desperately trying to be Seen and Noticed and Acknowledged but always falling short of it. he deserves to be constantly in the same loop because if he goes to jail, he's getting what he wants, and if he dies, then he's also getting what he wants (an escape from the reality he lvies in). LITERALLY the edning sentence for the book is perfect. "THIS IS NOT AN EXIT" CUS ITS SO TRUE SO TRUE SO TRUE. it doesnt even MATTER that patrick bateman now realizes the cycle that he's stuck in, the "confessions" to himself, the things he has now realized, it doesnt even matter. just because he recognizes the futility of it all, it wont be an exit from the reality he has found himself in. DOES IT MAKE SENSE??
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Can you do a little text with your opinion about the Volturi members? What you like and dislike, they personality, they story... Would be interesting! Kissessss and have a great day! 💜
Imma have a little fun and throw the very young me into the mix to. Let's see child me vs adult me's opinions on the Volturiiii.
Fun fact: I wasn't team Volturi until I was like fifteen. Before that I was team edward... I don't want to talk about that 🤔😒
Also I'm a sucker for villains. If it isn't obvious already, I like the villains more than the heroes. (We all love a bad boy though, don't we?--- TIK TOK NOW IS NOT THE TIMEE.)
So everything i say is just my opinion and should be taken just as that.
Aro: Younger me was like "this...is a terrible person. There really is no need to expand on this." However adult me has been like "GUYS this guy is possibly the SCARIEST character. This man rips off heads AND SMILES ABOUT IT." He gives me child snatcher vibes (from the movies in particular). I thoroughly enjoy the power hungry persona. He's really fitting to be the puppeteer behind the Volturi. Even if he makes it seem it's a group effort with himself, Marcus and Caius. Realistically, Aro gets what he wants and isn't afraid to do what it takes to get it...sorry Didyme. What's even darker about it, WHICH I LOVE, is that he isn't heartless. Smeyer wrote that Aro genuinely loved his sister. It's all good to have a character that's a evil heartless monster but what's more terrifying to me is the ability for someone to do evil despite their love and emotions. It doesn't hold them back and that's what I find particularly frightening now that child me didn't comprehend. Micheal Sheen, from what I remember of his interview years ago, played on the idea that vampires of Aro's age kinda begin to lose their mind. Which, hell freaking yes. However there is one thing I hate for Aro's character that happened in the movies. Breaking dawn part 2. That fucking laugh. Don't get me wrong, hilarious. I can't not laugh but for his character I felt it was too 'hey hey I'm a crazy man hehe'. It was a but too much, even for an eccentric Aro. However, I'm not to mad at it because again, it was funny to watch. I thoroughly enjoy the ‘friendship’ Aro and Carlisle share and i love that it is ‘maintained’ throughout the books. I think it’s just a really nice detail. (I love lore. I am a sucker for it.) The one thing that didnt sit right with me is Aro marrying someone so that he wasnt the alone one whilst his co-leaders were very much in love? Was a little off for me but i suppose that just adds to the character.
Caius: child me would shrink into the seat because what did I do to this man? High key still think I wouldn't want to be Caius' child because imagine doing something wrong and you get that glare? No thank you! Scary angry man. As an adult... "He's an angry boi but...DAYUM WHY IS HE SUDDENLY SO HOT?" Just...don't get angry with me. You'll get annoying real quick and you're too pretty for that. I enjoy the taking-no-shit attitude he has but felt it could have been a little more prominent in BDP2 where Aro asks if Caius' is challenging him. I full believe Caius to an extend would be like "yes, yes I am. Don't be an idiot Aro. Use that braincell!" Which is why I adore the meme vibes I see every now and then of Caius hating Carlisle because why does Aro love that blonde so much? CAIUS HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT LOYAL-- Anyways, I can totally get why Aro wants him on his team. Caius is so angry and has so much hatred that he’s a good asset to the coven, even if not having a special ability.I do find it hard to imagine that Caius is a century older than Aro though. Although I cant picture him over forty years old lol. Although i do personally enjoy the whole Caius x Athenodora route. IT’S TRUE LOVE! Okay so maybe thats a little dramatic but its better than Aro’s lmao.
Marcus: movie Marcus is absolutely not nineteen years old and that's just a fact. If anything, he's the forty year old one lmao. Child me couldn't care about this man. He was the man who said nothing and slumped on a throne. That was Marcus. That was his character summed up. Then adult me rolled in and OMG NO DON'T DO THIS TO THIS SWEET MAN. LET HIM BE IN LOVE. As an adult i definitely became more attached. I feel like i was too young back then to get why Marcus was in the Volturi. He seemed very out of place and like a filler co-leader more than anything. However as i’ve gotten older (and written for him), I recognised that's the point. That’s Marcus’ evident grief. He isn’t there by choice and losing Didyme caused him to fall out of line with the coven. He’s lost point or purpose. Almost like its become meaningless because the love of his life was gone and he couldn't save her.So what was the aims of the Volturi to protect vampire kind when they couldn’t protect their own? He couldnt protect her. I had never heard of anything like bond identification and once i had- i was shook, like it became clear why he had been so necessary in the first place. That really is handy to understand everyones bonds in a coven, he could direct Chelsea and the two alone could destroy covens by bonds alone. Marcus makes the Volturi more realistic in a lot of ways. Like in a family, there is the happy times, goofy people like Felix, the twins representing a close bond. Afton and Chelsea, love that cant be divided. The list really goes on. Marcus represents love and heartbreak, pain, loss grief, the sad moments every family goes through. In that way he makes the coven seem less invincible, a group of people who at the end of the day, have their own weaknesses and immortality doesn’t mean a perfect existence. Especially when, in my opinion, Bella fantasized about immortality and how perfect it would be. Even after her change, she waited for her happy ending because that was somehow guaranteed in some level. Which in the end, she got but not everyone gets that happy ending we all want. I also personally think Marcus is the most feeling of the Volturi, despite being apathetic. A result of heartbreak. It’s shown he can still feel more in his own ways when he voted against Renesmee being destroyed. Furthermore, he advocated that vampire hybrids were a lot like vampires. He made that relation openly before anyone. Its almost as though losing Didyme helped him value a life?
Jane and Alec: Child me thought these two were  badass...and that still remains in my adult life. It’s always been uncomfortable to me that someone so young is so sadistic and powerful. Jane is the older twin with the ability of pain illusion...yikes. Her ability was evident in her human life along with Alec’s. His gift is sensory deprivation and these two were my favourites in the whole Saga. Still kind of are if im honest. I thoroughly enjoy the twins backstory. It has the most detail. I have a tag for the twins. Canon!twins is the tag for the twins in their book age. Unless this tag is present, the twins have been aged up :). They are very much canon but I put a bit more emphasis on tantrums. If they get angry, they both have tantrums. So whilst (unless tagged) they aren't children they can be very childish and these tantrums are pretty deadly. They’re also very possessive? I dont even know if thats the right word i’m looking for in all honesty. Lets say they get very attached if they like you. These two are probably the most secluded out of the whole Volturi.
Felix: Felix! High ranking guard due to strength and speed. I am a major supporter of Felix being a gladiator when he was human. He as a lighter grey cloak meaning he isn’t as high ranked but is so good at what he does that he’s been kept for centuries...and a lot of them. Personality? FINALLY, WE’VE GOT ONE WITH PERSONALITY!! (Im writing these out of order and i’ve just finished a chunk of Volturi members who have personalities as invisible as Afton.) Flirtatious and Light hearted, we love flirtatious and light hearted! Basically a comedian! Helllll yes, keep it going! Extremely vicious and highly aggressive? You know what? I still like it. He wouldn’t be a Volturi without a dark side. Cold blooded murderer. Yes. 10/10. Finally, someone Smeyer seems to actually care about. He flirted with Bella a couple of times in the books and i was FOR IT ALL THE WAY. I was very sad i saw none of it in the movies but im used to heartbreak by now. Im in this fandom after all. We were robbed of a lot. Strongest vampire in the world? I believe you, he’s also a hecking treeeeee. HE DO BE A TALL BOI. He actually makes Demetri look small and that’s still hilarious to me. Demetri is actually tall. However, if it isnt obvious we clearly traded backstory for personality. I cant get both smh. So...as i said before I fully believe Felix was a gladiator back in the day, hence his physique and height and excellent fighting abilities he has even as a vampire but then it kind of ends. I will say from the dawn of time, i don’t think Felix is the most academic man, just because of his era. I also think majority of the Volturi couldn’t read of write in their human lives and had to learn much older, most learning as vampires. Felix was one of these vampires, Although even now he isnt the most great at it. Then a wonderful writer known as @wallwriterstuff included it and now it’s canon in my eyes. I fully believe Felix is a slow reader and writing isn’t his strong suit either. Wallwriter also includes the possibility that Felix could be dyslexic which im all for too. For a very long time i’ve considered writing a dyslexic reader with the Volturi but have always hesitated because i don’t have it and wouldn’t want to upset someone for any misunderstandings or inaccuracies. However what i will say is that i think vampires would be the most understanding to humans with dyslexia. Learning things like that in later development or as an adult is difficult and they wouldnt think any less of you for struggling with reading, writing, numeracy- you name it. You’ll probably find they’re with you in the struggle at least half of the time. He’s also the goofball of the Volturi, even though he’s not really a goofball in our eyes, he’s the closest to a goofball out of the whole Volturi ...Emmett beats him in the Goofball wars.
Demetri: Oh yeah, it's Demetri's turn! So Demetri was previously in Amun's coven. When Chelsea gave him the old razzle dazzle...I've said Chelsea's gift so many times at this point it's getting old. I have two characters left after Demetri 😂😂 Anyway, with that Demetri was like "welp, I'm in the Volturi now." And now that they had a better tracker the previous one was kicked out. He isn’t much of a talker, polite and formal. He’s elegant (more graceful than i could ever be) and charming...yeah he is, you can say that AGAIN. He is also very calm, when next to Felix, i think everyone is calm but you know, we’ll say he’s a very calm person. I like how he was originally in the Egyptian coven with Amun. Given Amun’s goals this a pretty nice detail. NOW LETS GO TO MY VERSION. He’s very charming, calm, polite, formal and even a lil’ but quiet, i kept him pretty canon because he actually had a description to go on :))))))))))  Moving on. Demetri can be a very successful flirt when he wants to be and does have a Casanova reputation. However beyond the charming Volturi guard who has a brutal side like the rest of them, he has a chewy centre, deep down. I added that he had a child in his human life, one he doesn’t remember and very few people know about. He remembers that they died of an illness very young (around six?) but can’t remember what they look like. For that reason he doesn’t like talking about his child, he feels awful he doesn’t remember them and the loss still hits a pang in his chest. 
Heidi: Alright im ready for this one! Child me didn’t necessarily enjoy Heidi? I was rather passive about her. It was all ‘pretty vampire used for her looks’ in my eyes back then and i was never comfortable with that. I’ll get into my take on Heidi in a moment, roll on the backstory!  So Heidi knew Victoria as they used to be coven mates and we’re going to continue on as though Heidi didn’t care when she was killed? Like...its genuinely a burning question in my mind! If she didn't care, could that show the extent of Chelsea’s power in action!? (can we tell im enthusiastic about this coven yet?) It’s quite smart to have someone lure in prey. I wont lie, Heidi has quite the badass role in the coven. I wouldn't have thought about that I reckon. I’ve always thought that showed a kind of superiority. Oh you guys need to hunt your prey? pfft, ours literally comes to us. Her backstory really starts with Heidi being mistreated in her human life...a common theme Smeyer has. It can get old- i wont lie but when i give it some thought it kind of makes sense. Rosalie said it herself in eclipse, if any one of them had their happy ending, they’d be six feet under but i’d love a little bit more creativity. I could go on about how male vampires ended up being changed in comparison to female vampires but i’ll swiftly move on because that’s a whole other thing alone. Heidi was changed out of pity. (Which kinda infuriates me just to type, a pity change? Really? Really Hilda? we’ll see why it annoys me when i explain my take on Heidi.) Heidi was happy in her coven with Hilda, Victoria etc, which is hell yes. We love that. This is around the time she discovered her gift. Vampires were attracted to her and humans fell prey to her easily. Yup okay. I’ll take that. After a newborn vampire caused ‘too much attention’ Aro spared Heidi and Chelsea used her gift on Heidi. Nice, very nice aaaaand that’s where it stops and im left hanging.  Personality time with Smeyer! Lets goooo.  From what i remember and can find- she didn’t fucking have one. Apparently being pretty is enough for everyone.  Which in hindsight, fair enough on a human Bella’s perspective, its literally Heidi’s gift to lure you in no matter what. She could tell you she’s a serial killer (and technically is lmao) and is about to sell your kidneys on the black market as to which you’ll be like ‘sign me the fuck up, want my liver too? Here, let me lie on the table for you. I’m down.’ without even realising what just happened. But even beyond that...Heidi has no personality traits mentioned. In New Moon she appears to be a little flirty which im all for, why the hell not? But...thats it? Thats all I get? Then we get into fanfictions, because i read them growing up. Heidi was depicted as flirtatious, promiscuous and then it varied between manipulative or she wasnt very smart. Which i’m knocking absolutely no one for. I think you can get a badass character who is incredibly dumb. I think all characters are actually valid whether they’re a genius or flat out dumb. I love them all. However it never really sat with me. I was never quite satisfied which i was fine with until i started writing for myself. That’s when i knew i’d have to really think about what my version of Heidi would be or i’d never be happy with my work. That and you also begin to fill in the blanks? The more you write the more you flesh out a character for yourself and so that rolls into my version of Heidi! So for my Heidi, she often gets the same trope of ‘she’s pretty and rich, those types of girls have easy lives who always had everything given to them.’ Then when it’s discovered she didn’t have a good human life. It turns to the next assumption of ‘oh she’s pretty and stupid enough to be used and manipulated’. In a lot of ways, that’s what Heidi wants everyone to think. Underestimate her, please, its all the easier to manipulate you if you do.  She’s actually very smart and her rough human life made her more tough and intelligent. She’s very manipulative and yes she’s very flirty. You can look but you cant touch! She enjoys the attention her beauty gets her but if only these people would care more about what she’s like as a person. She’s not a barbie doll she will play you if she needs to. The only one who’s actually gotten far enough to sleep with Heidi is Demetri and even then the two don’t see each other romantically. They’re good friends who thinks the other is very attractive but that's where it ends. They’re basically friends with benefits some times lmao. However, Demetri got that far because he see’s the intellect Heidi actually has and acknowledges it. He thinks shes a queen who should be treated as such. She could take anything she wanted, a storm that people can only hope to survive in one piece.  Secretly she enjoys a family setting. Whilst she never really wanted children (especially when she was expected to when human), she couldn't help but melt inside seeing little human children with their loving parents. She wants that for all children. Whether that's because she lacked such affection growing up, no one knows. She’s also a really good friend, you bet she’ll have your back. Crappy ex? Well we’ll show them, wont we (Y/N)? She’ll be a bitch and enjoy every second of it. She also loves the single life, believe it or not, you’ll have more difficulty getting Heidi to settle down than you would Demetri which speaks volumes.  So yeah, move past her gift and really get to know her and you might have a very good friend.  I also don’t see Heidi having a preference between male or females and that’s in all honesty. Times have changed and if she is attracted to another female then she wont be ashamed of it. She never has been (Demetri was the first to figure that out, Felix may be the last.) Even when the times weren’t approving of different sexualities, she didn't care. She will flirt with you and find it ridiculously cute if you get flustered.
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Sulpicia: Sulpicia was an orphan which i used to develop my own version of her. Sulpicia grew to love Aro which im on the fence about but yup, i’ll take it. You’ll see what happens with my version in a bit lmao. and that’s where it stops. I get no personality again but do you know what we do in this fandom? We create one and fill in the blanks baby! So i write Sulpicia very materialistic and vain, she’s most snobbish of the wives and due to the other two, also considered the meaner one. She didnt have such things as a child being an orphan so when she got the opportunity to have it-she jumped. She isnt easily impressed and married Aro not for love but for immortality, money and status. (He’s only married you for your money, princess Jasmine! HE ONLY MARRIED YOU FOR YOUR MONEY! Damn it tik tok, but make it princess Aro) Which works well, because Aro doesnt necessarily love her either, he just wanted a mate so he wasnt the odd one out.He literally created her because he was like “Yup, you’ll do.” The two recognised they made a great team and image so they kinda grew to love each other? A little bit? Sure we’ll say its love...sorta. ANYWAY, It’s a highlight to Sulpicia being locked in that tower where she doesnt need to see Aro every little moment, it’s better than having a husband who she’d need to see everyday. ...Yeah my Sulpicia is something else lmao.
Athenodora:  Athenodora is one of the oldest vampires in existence which kinda has me shook but I'll take it. She met Caius when he was fleeing from the Romanians, the two travelled together until they met Aro. Whilst on their nomadic travels they seemingly became mates. That's all we know about that. As to which the Volturi coven was made. Athenodora is completely loyal to Caius as well as highly dependent on him and I think that's very realistic given her circumstances. That's where their story ends...maybe for Smeyer but not for me! 😁 So I picture Caius and Athenodora being different sides of the same coin. Athenodora really mellows Caius, she is no where near is violent and sadistic as he is but due to her unwavering loyalty and dependency, she doesn't feel inclination to go against him...also because of Chelsea and Corin but I've said that so many times in this post I think we get the point. I think she's actually more gentle and soft spoken but that being said. She is very reserved and if she were to be angered she'd very much change. She could cut you down with words alone. Caius loves it. However beyond this is someone who is very maternal. Caius would appreciate it more if the two had children but instead it has created empathy. Caius doesn't want that when he can rip their head off. She struggles a little more with the 'no second chances' and that's another reason why Caius keeps her locked away and away from it. These two love each other more than words can describe. After being through so much with someone, the love can only grow. The two would happily risk their life for the other. Caius is saddened that he could never give her the family she wanted. He knows that to this day, Athenodora tries to reign in that side of her. He's a very supportive husband who's very different around his wife. He's much more tolerant, and angry. Simply more at ease. If anything happened to Athenodora, to put it simply...there would be hell to pay.
Didyme: Married to Marcus and Aro’s biological sister. Cute, me likely, keepy going. Her gift was happiness induction. VERY ADORABLE- Dont be as menacing as your brother...please. She was born several years after Aro and was changed by Aro ten and a half years after he was turned. (Dont tease me with all this lore Smeyer, I know what you’re gonna do) Aro was deeply disappointed her gift was just to make people happy- its okay Didyme, we love you. Aro is just...Aro. Her gift made many fall in love with her and its so freaking cute i CANT- but she only felt the same feelings for Marcus. MY HEART IS SO WARMMMM. Unfortunately they were so happy together that they lost interest in anything Volturi and were ready to leave. (Uh oh.) Aro, being the sneaky fellow he is, was like “I’m really happy for y’all of course you can leave. I love you my babies. My best friend and my sisterrrrrrr, I am the captain of this SHIP.” but was actually like “wait, no, no, no, not my Marcus. D-D-Did-Didyme I NEED him.” Think Sid the Sloth from ice age in the first movie when Sid really wants the baby. So this man is like...gonna have to do it to em and murder. He killed Didyme secretly (dunno how he pulled the secret part off- like i know how he did it but how did no one hear or see anything or even suspect anything IT WAS LITERAL FRIENDLY FIRE but we love the drama so continue.) Ironically enough she was very close with Aro and the two actually did love each other, Aro is just...murderous apparently, to the extent that even his sister isnt safe. And that’s it. That’s Didyme. Which im like...alright Smeyer i see you. I like this and expanded on this with my Didyme.  i get the vibes that Didyme is the most innocent and kind of all the Volturi. Losing her meant losing the consciousness within the Volturi making them all the more ruthless because there was no one to say. “Guys, maybe lets rethink this? and quickly because i cant get Caius to put down the torch thats currently on fire.” Losing Didyme made Marcus mostly become passive and would rarely stop anything that happened. I often wonder if that provoked a lot of guilt for Marcus later on. (However thats a spoiler for something im currently writing...;) ) I also think of her as a major daydreamer and the most soft, gentle person anyone will ever meet. Like its difficult not to like her despite being in the Volturi, even the Romanians would have struggled if they met her. So in the long run...i hate nothing about Didyme, only find more and more love lmao.
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Corin: So im going to be honest and tell you i have no idea what Corin would look like. I’ve got nothing and when i was younger i wasnt even sure if Corin was male or female. Like a lot of these names, i had never heard of the name ‘Corin’. I dont write for her as of yet because im still trying to figure her out. I think she’s quite quiet, she lets her gift do most of the work for her in keeping the wives, Chelsea and Caius when he doesnt get to go on a rampage, content. She was brought in also after Didyme died but Marcus refused her gift.That’s all i’ve got for her. Her gift is amazing, pretty underrated in my personal opinion since like Chelsea, she really helps keep the Volturi unified but other than that, I dont have much to say about her. :(
Afton:  Another character i basically filled the blanks in for myself. So what we’re told is that he’s Chelsea’s mate and has the ability to disappear . Whilst thats a pretty cool trick...the volturi dont necessarily need it but they have to keep Chelsea happy and she demands that Afton stays so welcome to the family Afton! I also recently learned that if you hide behind Afton and he goes invisible infront of an opponent, you too will also be invisible. I figure that is until the opponent moves and basically changes their perspective but i could be wrong with that last part. That’s all we get so time for my unnecessary input!  SO AFTON IS A TOTAL SWEETHEART. He’s very shy but polite. This is a complete opposite to his mate Chelsea. It’s actually what she liked about him. At first is was just be flirtatious to the shy vampire but when she actually got to know him... she fell hard. It was also Chelsea who had made the first move since Afton was so shy. Of course she’d never say so and Afton would never want to embarrass her so that was never really disclosed to anyone who wasn’t around at that time. She brings Afton out of his shell a lot and it wasn’t long before the two were mates. Chelsea is the light of his life. Hands down. He puts up with a lot for her and is happy to do so. She could ask anything of him and he’d do it and she doesn’t even need to use her gift. He buys are anything she wants almost instantly. He cant help but adore her passionate personality, like how hooked she can get on era’s such as the 1920′s, her love for jazz music and her ability to gush on and on about anything. The two had what the other lacked and that made them an excellent team. I love their relationship. I cant help it. However, as i said before Afton is very shy and tends to keep to himself. Sadly that, paired with Chelsea’s demand to keep him in the Volturi has left Afton a little bit outcasted. All the other permanent guards were wanted and considered important whilst Afton...not so much. Although that isn’t to say the other guards are mean to him or anything. They aren’t! (Except the twins who are...the twins.) Felix and Demetri tried to include him a lot but it was very difficult to break him out of his shell. That doesn’t mean to say they wont invite Afton when he’s around. Chelsea always appreciates their efforts. Afton is notably good friends with Santiago, who often preferred solitude as well. 
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(Guard to the left is who I imagine Afton is)
Chelsea: So supposedly Chelsea’s original name is Charmion? When i was younger i didnt really care much about her. I only really knew her gift and that she was the reason Afton was kept in the Volturi, since they were mates. From what im aware Chelsea basically wasnt in the movies/not identified. There wasnt much said about her in the books either. So since then i’ve kind of developed my own persona of Chelsea that could be completely inaccurate to canon but canon was my foundations with characters like these. She was always a red head in my eyes with ringlets, a copper kind of red head. I also pictured her to be small. However the newest addition to her character would have to be the mid-Atlantic accent. I blame Poppy Hill for this one. That character screamed Chelsea to me. She was very close to how i imagine Chelsea to be. So now Chelsea has an accent that i have no clue how she managed to maintain being in Italy so long and being born in Greece. LMAO. We’ll say she was very attached to that time. However, I think the time she joined the Volturi was actually very good for the story. She first came around just after Marcus had lost Didyme and Aro had her use her ability to keep Marcus in the coven. it’s really cool how she could really make or break the coven. Although, Aro was smart enough to not fully rely on her, using Corin’s ability on Chelsea to make sure she’d be happy and stay within the Volturi. Thats where the information on Chelsea really ends Over the years Chelsea has appeared in my writing and so beyond this point, Chelsea’s character is only my depiction.  I figure Chelsea is a talker, like she can talk her way in and out of situations with ease. She enjoys being manipulated and even more so, being needed.Much like her gift, she gets under people’s skin- not in terms that she’s annoying but more so she can figure out people very well. Her mate is the complete opposite and so she often speaks on the behalf of them. Chelsea is very social and charismatic. She along with Heidi are the only two Volturi members who will be out and interacting with humans if necessary. Heidi for her ability but Chelsea purely for her social skills. She’s also the most interested in human culture. She loves the parties- the 1920′s being her favourite era in terms of fashion. She has no issue changing her name and has done so multiple times when the names run out of fashion.It’s like playing dress up! I’d actually love to write more about her. I’ve really grown to love her character, even if i filled in some blanks for myself. I think she and Afton’s relationship is one of the best, up there with Carlisle and Esme- despite the two being very different. It’s a part of their dynamic!
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(I always imagined Chelsea to be a red head but Poppy Hill from THOHH is a very close depiction to Chelsea in my eyes)
Renata: A stressed little bean that lives on stress. I remember thinking when i was younger she was the big threat since she was Aro’s shield but now that im older i see...a stressed little five foot bean. I have no idea what she looks like but always imagine her dark hair tied in a tight bun, looking almost painful. Another who wears heels, like Heidi but she is very rigid just as she has been described. Her uncle is a bit of an ass considering he begged her to go with the Volturi so there wouldn’t be a threat. Dude, can you not just...hand over your niece? At least hesitate! Just like that, thanks to Chelsea, she’d give her life to protect Aro and...I have nothing else. Yes it does drive me mad that there are two named guards i know next to nothing about.
Santiago:So what’s known about Santiago is that he doesn’t actually have an ability. He’s just very good at battle techniques and fighting which is why he’s kept around. If they need fighters, they’re top three are Felix, Demetri and Santiago...in that order. Santiago is also much faster than a regular vampire (as shown in breaking dawn part 2- he caught up to Jacob and Renesmee quite fast despite the two having a running start and wolves supposedly being very fast- much like a vampire) That’s all we know of him so then i got in there and this is how I write Santiago. I gave him the background of coming from a superstitious family. Like he would be told tales of demons and witches growing up as well as things like voodoo. He knew an awful lot of urban legends and whilst he stopped believing in the bad luck his family taught him, he still held interest and couldn’t help the instinct of unease when witnessing such things as rituals. It’s ironic really. However Santiago always deems that humans have it all wrong. These forces are beyond human understanding and shouldn’t be played with. In that way, perhaps Santiago still has some belief in things such as superstition. He’s very secretive about it and would never clarify it for you. Santiago keeps to himself and can be quite standoffish. He can also be blunt even if it’s insulting- he doesn’t tend to care. Although he and Afton became quite good friends since the Afton was an outcast and Santiago didn’t enjoy large groups, or most people in general.
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idealnreal · 4 years
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Please overanalyze the shadows in his palace I am begging you.
@appleyjuiceboy​ / jester owns my braincells of course i would do this for u
Okay so i think its best if i go about the order of shadows we meet in the game so. I’m not going to go into the persona/shadows in maruki’s palace. I’ll leave that for some other day. Now! Lets hope i can remain fully coherent.
1) The fluffy haired noodle shadow we meet for (ka)sumi’s awakening
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First off, look at the design of this shadow--it has the fluffy hair parted to the right like maruki, its androgynous figure, and that swirly face mask as well! The mask has two eyes, and it even looks like theres a smile there, lopsided. 
We have never seen any other palace shadow taking a similar shape as the palace ruler (except maybe the yaldaboath palace). Shadows are meant to emulate what the ruler thinks of as protectors of their heart. Maruki doesn’t trust anyone other than himself with this secret. And particularly at this phase of his distortion -- there are no scientists, to attendants, no patients. Just an empty, beautiful palace -- with possibly only one type of shadow and protector. The type that represents himself. 
(Also androgynous/nb maruki confirmed ?? yes)
Okay then lets look at what this shadow says to Kasumi.
Shadow: ... Heresy. You dare to spurn our lord’s mercy. Accept yourself... Our lord laments the foolishness birthed from your pain.
Having the context that Kasumi is Sumire here ... Because this scene comes about because Kasumi sees a cognitive version of herself (Sumire) blaming herself -- and so, a part of her is probably trying to remember that she is Sumire. Thus ‘spurn(ing) our lord’s mercy’. And yeah accepting herself as Kasumi instead of trying to remember that she is Sumire. 
But most important is the fact that Maruki’s palace shadows refer to him as a religious or god-like being (’our lord’s mercy’ calling back christian themes). Someone who is merciful and, most of all, does feel grief over one’s pain. Painting an ideal picture of a loving and caring god, ala abrahamic religions. This is a running theme with all the shadow’s dialogs. Let’s put a pin in this for now. 
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These design shadows are seen again later in the container room of the palace. They’re slightly faster. The container room is a strange one -- because it doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of the laboratory/hospital/garden of eden thing going on.  While yes labs and hospitals do have storage areas, i cant imagine them being a container warehouse like this. I do headcanon that this is a storage area for the pain and suffering that Maruki has taken on from other people in order to heal them, due to his hyper empathy -- but i’ll analyse the room some other time. For now it’s interesting that the Maruki-like shadows are now relegated to this specific and really dark section of the palace.
Like the throne room/centre of eden that the Maruki boss fight takes place in -- He resigns himself to the darker gloomier parts of his palace. And the same goes for these shadows. This is where he belongs. 
Also abso-fucking-lutely we’re going to talk about how this shadow transforms when it ambushes you:
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Skin suit opening up to reveal fangs and rows of teeth, and a formless monster inside. Maruki ... dude ... are you okay? If these shadows are meant to emulate him -- is this how he sees himself sometimes? HHh boy...
2) First lab coat wearing shadow at the start of his palace investigation
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Prior to this, while we understood that Maruki was a researcher, it was never a defining feature of him. Like the first thing that came to my mind on Maruki was that he was just the school counsellor and snack purveyor. Now this entire researcher, scientist, side of him is in full display. And this is the most common type of shadow we see, some which are violent, and others are non violent. Maruki sees scientists as the main residents of his palace -- his drive towards investigation and discovery, to puzzling out the intricacies of the human heart, human mind, and human pain. To better further his ability to heal. But there’s also a sort of cold, methodical nature to these scientists. Their ‘healing’ is methodical, based in science.
This coupled with the religious reverence and ideology that their dialog suggests, is a nice contrast. Experiments, data, research, are people’s salvation. Not the simple belief of a deity or of a higher purpose -- but science. Science, in many ways, becomes part and parcel of their religious belief.
Shadow: Those guises ... You aren’t among those who desire salvation. Leave. You are unwanted intruders. Do not disturb our lord’s research-- this world’s salvation. Why do you willingly strive for self-suffering? Why are you reaching out to your own pain?
So here -- the shadow wants them to leave the palace well enough alone. To leave Maruki to his research, and to allow this reality to exist. They don’t want this to end violently and it seems like they’re okay with the trio not ‘desiring salvation’. And when the trio refuse to leave, the shadow asks them why they want to suffer. It’s something inconceivable to them. Maybe even challenging their resolve-- to reconsider their current path, which will only lead to more pain. Also ‘salvation’, ding, on the christian theme counter. Deliverance from above from sin, even redemption. Not for one person, but for the whole world. 
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We see this type of shadow again before the scene in the auditorium. 
Shadow: You are misguided. Do not search for pain. Only tragedy awaits you beyond here. [After defeating it] Such a fool, rejecting our lord’s mercy. In that case -- witness it for yourself.
Same themes. Delicious. Lets move on now shall we.
3) Hastur -- the shadow that appears with Maruki at his reveal as his second-in-command / bodyguard
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I don’t think i’ve talked about how much i love the lopsided smiles on these masks. Because i love it. it’s just the right amount of unsettling and creepy. fUCk. And the twitching, twisting, and the weeping blue paint that Hastur’s shadow form does before transforming is /chefs kiss. I wanted more.
Anyway, onto Hastur’s design. Not a labcoat this time, just an ordinary looking white suit with no tie. This is the only time we see Maruki have a bodyguard shadow -- something else he relies on. Hastur’s presence in this scene only shows how deeply afraid and uncomfortable Maruki actually is with intruders in his palace. This experience is a reminder that someone had come into Rumi’s parents house to kill him years ago (a theory for another time). Like that incident years ago, he doesn’t resort to violence here -- he did and does try to negotiate. But when that didn’t work, at least now he has something that can fight for him. 
( It is only in the second infiltration when we see Maruki actually take a more active role -- but I won’t get to that here. )
Hastur: Stubborn imbeciles, rejecting our lord ...
There is a running theme here, unfortunately. The shadows again cannot comprehend why anyone would choose to reject Maruki’s salvation, why anyone would choose suffering. And words like ‘foolish’ ‘misguided’ and finally ‘imbeciles’ here are all used to describe those who choose to reject it. While i do think Maruki only bends reality if the person wishes it (subconsciously or consciously), and does accept that there are people who won’t accept their wishes being granted and is aware of the reasons why-- He cannot fully understand or emphatise with it. 
4) These deformed Maruki-like shadows guarding the control room
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Jesus christ above, i don’t like these, because they contrast with all other designs as these are more brutish and deformed. There’s used as gatekeepers at certain points of the palace, in the first control room, and later on in the brain-pod-room (my brain cells are stopping to work now excuse me) before the garden puzzle portion, at his final will seed and the entrance to the garden of eden.
We know Maruki isn’t a brute strength kinda person. And yet we see these few who’s only purpose is to defend certain things and areas with force. Its uncharacteristic, but at the same time, given the things that these shadows are defending -- it makes sense. No cunning, no wit, no negotiation, no compassion -- just forcefully defending very important parts of his heart and his work. 
Shadow (at the control room): So you dare defy His Excellency. You shall not interfere with our master’s work!
Shadow (brainwash room): Foolish rebels! You won’t take one step past here!
Shadow (entrance to garden of eden) : You?! I can’t believe you’ve made it so far ...
I had to do a double take on this. I think this is the only time this title ‘His Excellency’ has been used in the palace. While it is used for catholic bishops and that sort -- its mostly used in the context of heads of state, ambassadors-- more secular roles. The other times this shadow speaks is also similarly less reverent, less religious orientated. Of course this makes sense if the only function of these shadows is to use force to defend. They’re not the scientists or the first maruki-imitation shadows -- they’re not as devoted, and they dont have to be. 
5) Finally, these limbless noodles
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This one is found during the horticulture portion of the palace. I can’t exactly figure out why. And as far as i can tell, they only appear in this portion of the palace.
As far as the design goes -- these are probably the most unhuman like. Slender, androgynous with only a mask. I’ve got nothing. Braincells ran out. Sorry!
(Haha androgynous maruki go brr)
SO! That’s it. thanks for coming to my ted talk and following me down this rabbit hole. I need to go and drink some fuckin tea. 
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startledstars · 3 years
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How can for (extreme) example kids being physically abused/raped by strangers/parents be a trial to overcome for good? Girls being kidnapped and sold for sex? Students stepping on a little puppy for views? If this is a sometimes situation where god lets evil thru, then its everyday 24/7 around the world not just sometimes. God cant stop evil, bacause we are everything between good and evil. Not god makes live wonderful nd miserable but we do. Towards us and others. Being afraid of live being meaningless none guiding us, that is what makes religioun(and other factors) u are free when u are open to see. There is no pure good and evil. Whatever you wet thru its not your fault, you happened to be where its bad but you are grown up indipendent and you can choose to be 'good' or 'bad' in order to help u or other people so long u live. But this god, at least how christianity potrays him, is a fear in your head that prevents you at crumbling infront of the worlds truth to make this all more bearable. People should believe whatever they want as long as it gets them going. But saying all you want is the truth, and yet believing in a god as the catholic religion and you present him. You seem to scared for the truth if you are willing to leave it at that. A simple as god knows. What kind of truth are you after? Be at least honest with yourself
Hi,
These are the right questions. The problem of evil is a Big One. 
In the past century, we’ve had:
two cities decimated by a nuclear bomb
hundreds of millions of people killed by their own governments (socialism is orders of magnitude worse than the holocaust)
famines that lead to parents killing and eating their own children
a global “pandemic” that governments used as a power grab, shutting down the global economy, causing millions of people to starve
And these are only the things we know. For every rape, abuse, and act of violence that is reported, there are many more that go unreported and unpunished. However, almost every rapist/abuser/theif/murder/politician is justified in their own mind. The true mark of an evil person is that they believe they are righteous, to the point where they are above any laws, and will never be sorry for anything they do. 
So, in a Godless world with no objective standards, it’s anyone’s game. Evil is simply a perception; an opinion. Same with good. You can choose to believe in a random, meaningless world where Shit Just Happens and humans are the highest power. You can choose to ignore the fact that there is an undeniable order to reality, where even atheistic scientists admit the universe is so finely tuned, they have to reevaluate their own theories. (That’s actually why the multi-verse theory exists. Scientists have no solid evidence that our universe is one of infinite parallel universe. Watch this video, time stamp 43:19 where famous athiest Dawkins admits the multiverse theory has no scientific evidence.)
You can turn your back on God because He allows things you disagree with. That’s what it usually boils down to: we look at evil with our limited intelligence, perception, and imagination, and decide that because we can’t find a reason for every single instance of wrong doing, no reason can exist. 
It’s like a teenager getting mad at his parents because they enforced curfew. Like a toddler raging because she was denied that fifth piece of candy. In those moments, because the child can’t comprehend their parent’s decision, the parent’s character comes into question.
This is pride and short-sightedness, especially when we’re talking about an infinite creator operating on an infinite universe over an infinite span of time. 
Again, I’m not condoning or justifying evil. The question of evil and human suffering is extremely valid. And I’ve never shied away from looking at the darkest parts of humanity, because that is an important piece of understanding reality. If you do a little digging, you’ll find that this world is so much more evil that you or I could begin to comprehend. People are evil, and it’s going to continue to get worse.
In the face of such evil, it would be easier to not believe in God. (There’s a post sitting in my drafts about how I actually tried to be an athiest because I couldn’t justify evil.) So I think you’re saying that I’m not sincere when I say “search for the truth,” because from your perspective, I believe in God either out of fear, or because it gives me a false sense of comfort. While I can understand why you might think that (because this is how I used to feel about Christians) it’s simply not the case here. 
No one forced these beliefs on me. I am not part of any church or denomination-- the ‘catholic’ comment is a bit out of left field. I don’t blame myself for what happened to me. I don’t blame any victim for their circumstances. Idk there’s some level of misunderstanding and too much to unpack entirely. 
But, if you’re looking for real answers to the problem of evil, I’d suggest approaching The Big Man himself. I do this all the time-- when I see something absolutely horrible, I ask Him how he could possibly allow that. Sometimes, He will give you answers (if you’re willing to hear Him out) and almost every time, He will send a sense of peace. This is something you have to experience for yourself to understand. 
Also, here are some debates between Atheists at the top of their field and Christians. Both sides present arguments better than I ever could, and I actually watched these videos thinking the Atheists might sway me but. Well, see for yourself:
Does God exist? William Lane Craig vs Christopher Hitchens
Richard Dawkins vs John Lennox - The God Delusion Debate
William Lane Craig and CosmicSkeptic Discuss The Kalam Cosmological Argument
(Not a debate but worth checking out)  Stephen Meyer: The Return of the God Hypothesis
Would God Allow Evil? CosmicSkeptic vs InspiringPhilosophy
And here’s a muslim vs. atheist debate to round things out
Bolded my favorites. These take a few hours to get through, but if you’re really interested in the problem of evil or the proof for God, these guys present it well. (btw surprisingly there is more logical/scientific proof for God’s existence than for the athiest or pantheistic model of reality. Check out this short clip. Science and religion used to be two sides of the same coin; people took an intelligent, ordered approach to studying the universe because they believed in an intelligent, ordered creator. So God answered the “why” and science answered the “how” of existence. Just some food for thought.)
I’d also recommend you look into the biblical story of Joseph (his own brothers sold him into slavery, but because of this, Joseph ended up ruling all of Egypt and saving the very brothers who betrayed him). And also the book of Job. While we can’t know everything about the mystery of evil, we can know enough to make an informed decision about God’s existence/character.
Anyways, thank you for this message. I hope you’ll consider the information in this response. I’m glad that you are asking the hard questions, and assure you that the answers are worth seeking and finding. Good night and God bless you :)
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tillman · 4 years
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Pls infodump about lancelot from what i observe almost everyone hates him? (Ok its understandable bec of his affair with queen) im curious why do you like lancelot? And i remember a few days ago you post that there so many things you want to talk about him? And i want to see you rant/gush about his character, relationships, mental illness, his flaws etc ans also what is the difference between fate lancelot and lancelot in the legends? I want to know more about him he is complicated
OK its not that everyone hates him its that people hate what he stands for. the french side of arthurian lit is VERY focused on making lancelot seem like the greatest knight in the entire world because…. wow… hes french. and french people suck. stop normalizing the french. i like lancelot because of what he COULD stand for. theres a lot of things that could be delved into more (his mental illnesses, his communication issues, his inability to comprehend love, the struggle with being unholy or wrong, ect) but no one ever does. so i stole him hes mine now fuck the french they did him dirty.
uhm ok this is under a cut for talks of kinda heavy topics (lots of mental health talk, lots of abuse talk) and also cus its long. sorry i have a lot to say about him) 
i like lancelot a lot cus i see myself a lot in him. mostly in his mental health and how he ends up dealing with situations. his struggle with violent mood swings and his huge burden of being labeled as a sinner or whatever for a relationship he admits to feeling trapped in is…. relateable… comforting to see in a fictional character i guess. as flawed as he is hes still heralded as a good person. hes still loved by his friends and his family. and thats nice.. i like it. 
uhm for his mental health the main thing that comes out is his struggles with trauma, awful depression, and also just the fact he dissociates a lot. in knight of the cart he is so out of it he doesnt realize a knight is attacking him until hes thrown into the water in which he reacts violently and freaks the fuck out, trying to rip the guy off his horse. he like. physically can not handle extreme emotions and will either fall asleep so he doesnt have to face it (le morte says this is a known quality of him, he does this enough dinadan expects it as soon as he gets mad) or he swings so hard he has an extreme bout of depression (in the vulgate when trying to comprehend his relationship with guenevere and galehaut he just shuts down and spends all his time sleeping or staring at the river) or awful mania (see: the many times guenevere freaks out at him and he gets so upset he jumps out a window and lives in the woods). Lancelot has a lot of unworked out trauma from being r*** twice by the same woman who continues to use him and freak him out so much he cant find camelot safe (triggering another huge spike where he runs off into the woods) or the literal entire end of the legends where he has to deal with the trauma of while having one of his dissociative episodes in combat he accidentally kills gareth, someone he loves and adores like a brother or son and gets so upset he just accepts everything happening and hides in joyous gard, where his cousins have to BEG him to go and defend his honor from gawain whos basically knocking on his door pleading with lancelot to kill him. 
lancelots inability to understand a lot of social nuances is also really interesting but like, ultimately leads to a lot of strife for him most namely galehauts death and gueneveres constant abuse. The thing is Lancelot basically idolizes guenevere and this is where a lot of the abuse and weird shit comes from in their relationship. lancelot was a very young knight who honestly didnt understand anything about BEING a knight when he came to court. the queen knighted him and him, being young and not understanding, took this as “i am her knight! i will do anything for her!” and guenevere just kinda ran with this? i dont rlly wanna go too into it ill do that later when i get farther in the vulgate and can talk more on it but it leads to lancelot being trapped in a relationship he admit hurts him, but the small sliver of love guenevere gives him when she needs him is enough to keep him in because his mindset is still “im her knight! this is what a knight should do for his lady!” Galehaut is a different situation where his blindness to social cues and other shit leads to a lot of drama and hellish shit and when he finally snaps and realizes “oh. oh no this is what love should be” its too late and galehaut is dead and lancelot isnt much better. his own mother has to come and convince him not to literally kill himself over this and sends him into a spiral of depression where he doesnt leave the joyous gard for months. when he does and when he comes back to court, no one really … cares? that galehaut is dead. and this is lancelots first experience with actual love and his first experience with the death of someone close to him. which is an awful double whammy to have to experience. he does have good friends like gawain and dinadan and tristan and his relationship with galahad is good but they all end up dead or turned against him by something thats he did and its just. god its so sad to watch. the only people lancelot is left with in the end are his cousins, and even at the end of all of that hes left alone with the corpses of people he thought he loved. 
like hes a very flawed man. lancelot is a problem causer and not a problem solver. he doesnt try to he really doesnt, he strives to be the perfect knight mostly for some sliver of appreciation from someone he idolizes he never really ends up getting. he doesnt know how to cope, and ends up making things worse when he inevitably ends up screwing shit up because of this. hes called a sinner and unholy by god, and while he is very proud of his son for what he ends up achieving, has to deal with the trauma of the grail quest alone. he ends up killing someone he loves, and who genuinely respected and cared for him like a brother in a fit of him not being able to deal with heavy emotions. like he truly is in the wrong in most situations but like. in such a pitiable way. hes a good person, but lets his flaws overtake him a lot and pushes away the people who want the best for him. its like…. sad. 
(about to talk about fate u can drop off now if u just wanted to read my arthurian lit opinions :-) )
i could go off about fate lancelot and all the problems i have with him for hours but i think the main thing i wanna talk about rn is how they handle his internalization of his life and then just did nothing with it. his wish for the grail is just to be told he was wrong. thats so fucking GOOD!! in life he was heralded as the best knight like of course his one regret was that no one ever stopped him and went “you are wrong. this is wrong. you are doing the wrong thing.” and that being all he wants out of the thing that can grant any wishes is soooooo soo cool and neat. and then they just reduced his personality to “oh boo hoo im so sad im going to fuck a married woman now” like. the fucking dissonance. like lancelot isnt the type for random flings. tristan sure i understand that a bit hes unhinged and hard to characterize and .. honestly does just go around fucking married woman. weirdo. but lancelots entire struggle is over his relationship with guenevere being both wrong morally and literally abusive! i jsut dont get it i dont understand how they built up something so interesting with zero and threw it all out the window it makes me so mad. i dont even wanna talk about fate lancelot anymore rn its giving me a headache cus im so mad. 
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Text
So obviously alot of people (wrongly) didnt like Woody’s decision in Toy Story 4 and i’m here to tell you why you are wrong (and maybe why you should feel bad about it)
TS4 Spoilers, obviously
With the story being about toys its likely alot of us missed out on the major theme of the genre, which really only came to me recently.
Yes they are cute movies about toys with puns and gag humor.
alot of people try to play up the existential horror of being a toy, whos existence is at the whim of giants who will destroy you themselves or throw you away , blah blah blah.
But really the whole thing is a giant metaphor. its like a Black Mirror/Twilight Zone episode where the concept is “What if adults entire lives revolved around their kids”
See, the toys exist because of kids, are brought into their lives, get fulfillment out of helping the kids grow up and be happy, and while often fearing losing their kids overall accept the inevitability.
lots of people have tried to do some weird fanfictiony thing regarding woody and andy. especially with the heavy implication that Woody was inherited from his father. But i’m here to say Woody is Andy’s father.
No not his biological father, he’s not the reincarnated soul of his father. I’m saying within the confines of this story and metaphore he is Andy’s father. his step father, his father figure. Its, within canon BECAUSE he is an heirloom FROM his father that he’s so attatched to the Woody Doll.
Because each toy has their role. RC is Andy’s first car, Ham and Potatoe head are like Andy’s uncles. Bo Peep his Woody’s girlfiend.
See its cus of this relationship that Woody’s role is so important. What are fathers for? inspiring you. Playing games with you. being heroic. Being kind. protecting others. even falling in love. Andy doesnt have a father and for the sake of the story his mother is barely shown. He gets his fulfillment and plays with the values of heroism, emotion, and becoming a good person through his toys like so many kids. And woody is there to teach him, love him, be there for him and be someone to look up to.
but because of the Black mirrorness, his step dad (woody) and uncles and aunts and all that are objects , that while they exist outside of his perview, dont exist to HIM. To any of the kids in this world. Thats how parents and adults are to kids in the real world...only more literal. Kids dont think about their teachers outside of school. have a hard time comprehending the billions of adults doing things like having lives, working jobs, speaking other languages and doing adult things across the world. Even their own parents are easily forgotten until the kid has been away for awhile, or needs the parent the do somehting or comfort them. Thats JUST like these toys. kids are inspired by and love their toys but are easily distracted, or like with many kids and their parents, grow to dislike playing with those toys/adults. And similarly the toys and adults do have their OWN lives , thats both a good and bad thing. When not being played with the toys still exist and have lives of their own. but ultimately their lives REVOLVE around a kid.
So imagine in real life in Adults werent allowed to move (far), to travel, without their kids. That they COULD but they had to return to their positions by the time the kids got back. The thing you might have been wondering is that ALL the toys cant be parents but they arent they are adults. Look at all of andy’s toys there are some he never plays with and others he barely does. So like...Bo Peep being a toy he only plays with when he needs  a damsel in distress is like him going to his step dad’s girlfriend when he needs advice about girls or buying a gift for one. Ham is the weird nerdy uncle that only exists when you need to ask em weird facts on messenger or borrow money from.
So imagine in this black mirror world if like...the barista didnt make coffee all day, have breaks and made money. If they had to stay in their uniform in the coffee shop all day doing nothing but playing solitair and waiting for a kid to show up so they could play their small part.
And of course the major issue in toy story is the growing up and losing your kids.
In toy story 1 Woody gets upset when another step dad comes into Andy’s life. maybe metaphorical for his mom’s new boyfriend. like many kids ANdy is smitten by having the cool new dad who has lasers and takes him to put put and Pizza planet. Andy loved going to the ranche and horseback riding with Woody but all this NEW stuff is Amazing!. And like many adults Woody was sidelined for the new shiny stuff. If you live for your kids it can be heartbreaking when a new friend or hobby or adult comes into their life and they dont have time for you anymore. Heck every sitcome has like 5 episodes dedicated to the adults getting used to the idea that with growing up the kids dont have time for them anymore. And woody grows to accept the new adult in Andy’s life because him being an asshole about it made it so he almost LOST andy completely. Imagine a movie or sitcom where andy’s dad and his mom’s new boyfriend keep bickering and then the wife tells them if they cant stop yelling at each other in front of andy that neither of them can see him. (andy moving away)
In toy story 2 they are dealing with andy growing up. He’s grown out of most of his toys. just like how kids who are preteen spend most of their time with their family. going to friends house, playing with cousins, that as they grow older they dont want to go on 6 hour car rides to see grandma anymore. they arent interested in playing leggos with toddlers, or grow to dislike cousins. So andy’s likes and dislikes have shifted and he only has some of his favorite toys now, just like how a teenager will often be less involved with their parents, lose some friends, gain others and might interact less with extended relatives.
And then fearing losing andy himself, woody risks himself to keep another relative from losing andy. and he ends up in a new world, playing with the concept of moving on from his kid. See Jessie has already gone through this. Her kid grew into a teenager and like many mothers, was promptly forgotten about. her mom (jessie)  wasnt even embarrassing, she just wasnt on her radar, she was talking with friends, doing makeup , doing extra curriculars. She didnt have time for jessie and when she finally found her, immediately put her away. She’d grown up and her ‘mom’ wasnt in her life anymore, she still had the good memories, but sadly Jessie realized that all that time she waited for her daughter to come back to her so they could bond again, that her kid lost interest in ever being her friend a LONG time ago.
And woody saw that as his future. So when the entire reason you are alive is to help your kid, what do you do when your kid isnt gone, because they dont want you anymore? thats the problem he had to face. And the movie focuses on this. on extra bonus material we see the Prospector was happy now that he finally had his first kid, Woody talks to buzz not about NEVER losing andy, but that its STILL GOING TO HAPPEN. but its WORTH IT. THats just like what so many parents say. That its hard dealing wiht kids that are stressful and take up money and eventually they rebel and you lose them for the most part. but its WORTH IT to see them grow up and become amazing people.
And thats part of Toy Story 3. Andy’s all grown up and since parents/toys only exist for kids to play with then there is no reason for them. their lives are unfullfulling and pointless but they dredge on none the less because thought heir lives are dedicated to kids they dont immediately disappear when they dont have them. though its implied they do eventually fade away.
but some of these toys find an alternative. such a preschool. infinite kids forever. the connection isnt as strong but its something. just like adults who babysit or become teachers or caretakers. In this Bonnie is Woody’s and other toys second chance. their second child. the “we arent that old, maybe we can have another one?” and So they try again.
however, Toy story 4
in this extended metaphor kids dont NEED their parents/toys. the story doestn focus on real life for people. its just assumed that kids are taken care of , that they have food and a place to live. So its actually the ‘adults whos ENTIRE EXISTENCE revolves around being loved by a child” allegory that is at risk here
And see. in real life you have to accept like woody and andy that eventually even your most beloved kid will outgrow you. You have to accept like jessie that even before they grow up a child you love will no longer need you as much as you feel for them. That while you are important to a child if you get deployed, if you have to move away , if you are just at work all the time your child is home you can end up being ‘repalced’ by someone IN their lives.
 and Woody...thats whats happened to him. He’s there for Bonnie, bonnie cares about him but hes not her favorite toy. shes got this HUGE extended family and she gets enough love from her parents and her surogate parents (like dollie) and Woody is just one of dozens of ‘relatives” that help her out.
and So this LAST movie is about him finally learning that though loving a child is precious. that trying again is admirable. that when you love a child its about the CHILD not you, and that you WILL get hurt, but its WORTH IT. “this is what its all about” that helping create and nurture this kid is worth any heartbreak, of the kid outgrowing you, even the kid forgetting you.
BUT That its a choice and you can and SHOULD at some point CHOOSE to LIVE FOR YOURSELF. Woody has presumably spent all of Andy’s dad’s childhood, all of Andy’s childhood and a few years with Bonnie, raising kids, inspiring them. he’s existed for like 50 years. and He wouldnt trade those memories for the world. but He cant get that back. he cant relive the past. Its the past.
and so he decided to do what all parents should do, move on and find a fulfilling life for HIMSELF.
YOU DESERVE A HAPPY LIFE FOR YOURSELF.
and thats why it pisses me off that people are like “woody would never leave bonnie”
raising kids is great but you cant have a LIFE if you live only for that. You have to be your own person and EVENTUALLY even if you decide to dedicate your life to kids, EVENTUALLY you have to live for yourself
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geminimoonbeamx · 5 years
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Of All The Things Unsaid
A/N: Lately my life has been emotionally taxing af and I needed to project it somewhere. I’ve never written anything quiet like this- I hope you guys get some enjoyment out of it? Side note- listen to Goodbye by Apparat if you really want to hurt. 
Rating: Pretty M- heavy cursing, sexual situations, drug use and character death. All around heartbreak.
Summary: You loved him, and he loved you. That’s the tragedy of it all, isn’t it? A Bucky x Plus Size Reader one-shot
You and Bucky had a routine.
One that was easily fallen into- that you'd stuck to for months. Seven months and two weeks, give or take, to be exact...christ. Had it really been over  half a year since that fateful night in the thirty first floor commons? The one where he had been plagued by old demons, and you by new ones and the electric attraction that had always fizzed between the two of you, the one that you’d both shyly ignored and toyed with, had finally come to a head that night.
Both of you need a crutch. Something tangible that could quiet the dark thoughts that we’re pitt like in your head. You could keep them at bay during the day time- but there, in the midnight haze it was harder. 
And you’d found it, something to quiet your head, that chilly night in December.
In his arms, your back pressed against his chest as the two of you had turned your friendly cuddling on the expensive couch, into slow, deep dry humping. The kind where he had been panting in your ear hot and present and so real and you’d let out sweet little hums as you pressed your ass into his crotch, like you’d been wanting to for so long.
When he finally kissed you, his big hand cradling your jaw as he turned your head and sealed his lips over yours, you should have known you we’re way in over your head.
You thought you’d felt good before- thought you’d felt pleasure and attraction and all that good stuff- but kissing Bucky felt euphoric on a level that was, and is, still hard to comprehend. The way his lips felt, soft and firm and scratchy because of his close cut beard. Wet and warm and searching.
After that night, after the two of you had made each other come so many times that there was no room in your lust ridden heads for darkness-
The routine had started.
It only happens twice a month, on good months usually. Sometimes, rare times, its an opposite case and the two of you fuck every day for a week.
But it always goes a little something like this:
The two of you act normal around each other in public- like you haven't tasted every part of each other there is to taste; spit and come and the breath from each others lungs,
and the team is none less the wiser. For the most part- you do however work with the top agents, assassins and superheros in the world. A couple of people have figured out. Everyone keeps their respected space though, which is appreciated..
It’s always you asking for it.
By text, or call. By small touches and longing glances. You’d figured that it was because he still wasn't the best at asking for what he wanted, at first. That maybe it was just him not being the boldest crayon in the box.
But everyday he seemed to bloom brighter- Steve frequently telling him stories about the “old days”, about Bucky in his prime and how much of himself he had gotten back. That swagger- he’d never lose it. That magnetism, that charm that lied just beneath the surface. Well it wasn't so hidden anymore.
He smiled. Cracked jokes. Was a stark contrast to the man that you’d first met, all those years ago in an airport in Berlin.
And yet, for some reason, he continued to keep you at arms length. Sometimes farther then that actually.
He made you feel...so many things. Overwhelming things. For one, no man had ever put the effort into your body and making you feel good. Bucky would wring three, sometimes four orgasms out of you before he even fucked you some nights. Would make you scream and writhe and beg and then quiet you, by giving you even more.
It was more then the sex, too. It was the tenderness. It was the way he’d drag his hands, and his mouth across every part of you. All the parts you’d kept hidden. Jiggly parts, sagging, marked. Scars and stretch marks, Bucky didn't mind. He liked all of you. He wanted all of you, on those nights.
Worshiped every part of you.
And you did the same. All the ugly he saw about himself, you saw none of it. He was all hard muscle and sinew covered in soft skin and soft hair. Adonis, Apollo, Zeus himself. A god, your god.
Being on your knees for him, just felt so right.
At first.
But then…
Well there’s only so much one’s pride can take. Especially someone like you, who had always been so, so prideful. Out of the seven deadlies, that one had always gotten you into the most trouble.
It wasn't just that you always had to reach out first; the multiple calls and texts that it took to get through to him sometimes. Getting left on seen could make anyone itch, irritated.
But it was the fact that he’d open up to you, just tiny fragments and little bits at a time, and then close all the way up. Ziplock style. Airtight and unyielding
In the darkness of your room, or his; in soft sheets warmed by each other’s body heat you cracked open like an egg for him. Spilled your guts, yellow yolk of your soul to him as he massaged your scalp, his fingers tangling in your hair. Pressed kisses that seared into your skin.
He listened to you, talked to you. Laughed with you. Fucked you- hard and mercilessly and then gently like you were the most important thing, the most fragile, beautiful thing.
The intimacy that had built between the two of you was overwhelming and one day it slapped you in the face, knocked the breath out of your lungs that you we’re very, very much in love with him.
And Bucky? Well you could tell that those feelings we aren't reciprocated.
He didn't want this, whatever this was, to exist outside of the moments where it was hidden in the cover of starry nights and locked rooms.
It wasn't like you'd never experienced this before, because you had. Many a time. It came with the territory of being a plus sized woman in a world we’re European beauty standards didn't quite cover you.
Bucky wasn't embarrassed of you. You strongly believed that...at first.
He just wasn't ready for any kind of relationship. Not yet. Maybe later on…
But seven months later and you we’re starting to doubt what his intentions we’re.
It was little things:
The pats on the shoulder he gave you in front of the team.
The way him and that agent- the SHIELD one who was nice enough but looked at him like a piece of steak- seemed to be so chummy.
The way he ardently argued that he didn't want to go do things in the daylight; he was tired. Beat from missions. Hated people. Just wanted to be with you, or so he said. 
--
The beginning of the end came one night. After a long intense session of Bucky pounding you into the mattress, of his grinding hips and bruising lips-
“How was therapy today?” You questioned innocently as he laid his head on your chest. You played with the damp, sweat dried, tendrils of his hair idly.
“It was okay” Was all the answer you got.
“Yeah? How is it going with her? I was talking to Dr. Tessa(your own therapist) and she said that she was one of the best?” You press on. You shouldn't have.
Bucky looks up at you, resting his chin on your soft breast “I miss the ones in Wakanda, but she’s fine I guess. I just need to get to know her a little better before I can say for sure, you know? It’s not...easy...for me to talk about som’a the shit in my head”
Yeah you did know. You play with his hair a little more, as he stares at you and waits.
“You know you can talk to me, always. About anything, right?” you say, forcing yourself to look into his storm blue eyes. He blinks, long. And then looks away.
“I know. But trust me when I say you don't want that, Y/N” He announces after a moment and starts to pull himself from your breast, from you. From this conversation.
“I don't really think you know what I want” You reply strongly, holding on to him. Trying to keep him close.
It doesn't work. He’s stronger than you, in more ways than one.
The two of you lay there on your backs, for longer then a moment. Staring at the ceiling.
You don't know why you feel like crying, but this feels like all those thoughts that you’d had bubbling up- you knew he didn't want more and here you we’re, pushing anyway. He must be getting annoyed. Must be sick of the constant texts. Of you buzzing around him-
“What do you want?” His deep, velvet voice rings out in the dark room and you force yourself to stay calm. With his hearing, he’d pick up if your breathing changed. If you started sobbing.
Because you cant tell him- can't stand the idea of his rejection.
“I just want you to be able to trust me like I trust you” You whisper back and he wiggles closer so that your shoulders touch.
“I do trust you” He chuckles and you're happy he keeps it so damn dark in this room. If you guys we’re in yours there would be candles everywhere. He’d see your face and the expression on it.
“Then what happened on the mission? You came back...in pretty bad shape”
“It went south- I was able to get it right again. What happened in between isn't really any of your concern, baby doll” you wonder if he means to sound so? Void.
“But I am concerned...if you wanted to talk about it, about any of it-”
“I dont Y/N. Especially not tonight, okay?”
Ouch.
But you guess it was warranted. You we’re trying to make him do things he didn't want to. Trying to make him feel things he didn't.
You had no right.
“Okay, I understand. Um, sorry. I can go” You start as you sit up.
Where had he thrown your shirt?  You’re scrambling, trying to locate your clothes in the dark while pulling the sheet to your chest because it doesn't feel right to be naked around him anymore “I’ll go. I just”
“No, you dont have to” Bucky protests, as he sits up too,
and reaches for you  
You avoid his grabby hands and slide out of his bed. Hah, there's your shirt, tossed haphazardly on his night stand.
“Really, Bucky it’s okay” You insist, feeling stupid as you flail around in the dark, hunting for your pajama bottoms. Hating yourself and this situation. Why? Had you let it get this far.
“Doll, Y/N. Stop” He schooches to the end of the bed and grabs your small, doughy hand in his large one. You look down at him, can make out the silhouette of him staring up at you.
“Stay” is all he has to say.
And you should go. Protect what's left of your heart and run.
But you crawl back into the circle of his arms.
You don't feel much better as you drift to sleep. But you know he does, as he nuzzles his nose in your hair. Makes that almost purring sound he does when he’s truly content.
And you realize...you’ve traded your happiness for his.
Would move heaven and earth to see this man that had been through so much pain smile. Even if it hurt you. 
--
Days later- the nail is driven into the coffin when you happen to stumble upon a set of assassins in a conference room.
That sounds unlikely right? Like the universe would have to set it up for that to even happen?
You’d been running an errand for Pepper-  not minding because to you she was the queen of the universe and you liked hanging out with her, made you feel normal even though you’re literally the farthest from, when you stopped in your tracks.
The hallway outside the cracked conference room isn’t empty, assistants and Stark industry employees with clearance to this level  walk freely.
You think that’s how you manage to spy on the spy’s.
They speak in broken Russian, Bucky and Natasha.
He’s sat on one of the swivel chairs and she’s perched on the table.
You admit, you don’t hear much, as you stand by the door, just out of sight. Lurking in the shadows doesn’t feel as cool as it looks in movies.
“I don’t know, Natalia. It’s just- I’m overwhelmed a little bit by it. By her” Bucky admits, jaw clenching for a moment. You can only see the back of his head really but you can imagine he doesn’t look to pleasant.
“Then you need to tell her. She deserves to know” Natasha argues, soft and firm in that way that only she can pull of.
Overwhelmed? Who is She? Are you she? Is she you?
“She doesn’t deserve it- I- I don’t want to mess her up over it” Bucky goes on but Natasha cuts him off.
“So just being distant is your game plan? What? Are you just going to be an ass until she gets the point? You and Y/N both deserve better then that” and then she speaks in Russian, it sounds like a curse. She punctuates it with a shake of her head.
Your heart is pounding. You’re surprised he can’t hear it. It’s making you dizzy, it feels like it’s going to jump out of your chest- she said your name. It is you they’re talking about.
You should leave. Why are your feet suddenly cemented to the ground?
They speak in Russian some more and you’re really trying to grasp it some of it so you can look it up on google translate.
“I just need space to figure it out ? You’re not making it any better! I already feel like shit about everything, okay?” Bucky snaps in English and ice water floods your veins.
You knew it. You had overwhelmed him. He didn’t know how to let you down easy. He’s telling Natasha as much and you’ve never felt so embarrassed, shamed in your life.
You cling to the thin tablet full of documents Pepper had sent you away with, cling until your fingers ache and force yourself to walk away.
You don’t want to hear anymore. Think you’ll literally be sick if you do.
You’re halfway down the hallway, all but running away from the scene you’d stumbled on. You don’t have super soldier hearing, so you don’t hear the rest of the conversation-
“She deserves more than me. It doesn’t matter that I love- that I feel how I feel about her. She’s- she’s fucking sunshine. And I’m-“ Bucky struggled to get out. He feels so much for you, it’s hard to put it in words.
“A good man?” Natasha interjects with a raised brow. Daring him to deny it.
“Tainting her” Bucky corrects her. And he’s wrong, so wrong but he thinks he’s right and he’s so stubborn and Natasha knows not even she will get him to budge.
“If you don’t tell her how you feel, you’re going to lose her. You ready to deal with that, soldat?”
And Bucky's mouth gets dry at the thought.
What he doesn’t realize, in that moment, is he already has. 
--
It starts off with you being more distant towards him then you ever had. You keep a wide berth, never in the same space as him unless forced. Team meetings and meals/ but even then you are all but running away from him.
You used to text him all of the time- memes, asking him about his day. Little things that made him glow bright.
Not anymore- there’s radio silence from you now. He dims a little darker every day that he receives nothing from you.
Weeks go by. You drift further from him and it’s like his heart is unraveling in his hands. He can’t manage to pull on a string that will pull you back to him- when he tries it just seems to unravel further.
He texts. Multiple times. An embarrassing amount of times.
You don’t even read them. Don’t even open them.
He goes out of his way to aim conversations at you when you are around- and you avoid it. The awkwardness handing heavy around you as you avoid talking to him directly.
He wants to see you. He misses you. Wants you. Your skin and your laughter and your eyes- the way they used to be soft and accepting for him always.
What happened? Had you finally realized just how fucked up he was? Finally come to the conclusion that you needed to cut it off.
He hasn’t felt like this since before the war. He remembers the way heartbreak tastes, acidic and at the back of his throat.
Had it ever burnt this bad, though? Cut this deep?
He hates everything, the pain causing him to dig up old wounds.
He hates Hydra and what they did to him. He hates that he’s not dead, that it would take a hell of a lot to kill him now.
He hates that it takes Asgardian mead to get him drunk and Thor seems to be out of it at the moment and it takes three hundred years to brew.
He hates that Steve and Natasha and Sam seem to pick up on his sour mood and won’t leave him the fuck alone. He hates that Natasha had him thinking for even a moment that you loved him back.
He can’t hate you though. It would probably be easier than loving you, but Bucky can’t do anything but love you. It’s like he was built to love you- to adore you with every fiber of his being.
He’s tainted goods. Some days he feels like he’s redeemed himself- or at least is on that road. And others he feels the blood on his hands threaten to drown him.
He wasn’t kidding when he said you were sunshine - that you’d come into his life and brightened it in a way that he couldn’t have expected. That he now realized he didn’t deserve.
Bucky takes every mission he can. Anything to run away from the pain of you not loving him back. 
--
Three months later; Tony Stark decides to have a party. It’s not a rare occurrence by any means. This ones a luncheon for the reinstatement of SHIELD.
It’s a controversial topic and not everyone is on board, but the decor is beautiful and the catering is superb.
You’d forced yourself into your old routines- ones that didn’t involve Bucky. Kickboxing, yoga. Gotten your sleep schedule back to where it was- at least when you weren’t on missions. Flew back home whenever you could to see your family. Spent time with your friends *couch, Wanda*
You were still fucking devastated, but you were maintaining.
No one would ever know that you were heart broken beyond repair; not with the pretty, black and long sleeved off the shoulder pencil dress you wore. Not with how perfectly sculpted and highlighted your face was- your hair shiny and styled.
You charm with the best of them; mingling with the three hundred or so SHIELD agents, Stark employees and congress people.
If there’s one thing you’d worked hard to perfect in your time as an Avenger- it was your public persona. Your game face. It’s why you always made sure to look presentable, all caked up and girly. Being fat, you already had to try 10x harder than you would, but also being enhanced? A mutant? A previously labeled terrorist? Oh yeah, the game face was a must.
It breaks when you see Bucky at the bar, laughing with that agent. The pretty red headed one who looked at him like the whole meal he was; petite and tight all over, you’d be lying to yourself and also being the world's biggest hater to deny her beauty.
He looked...like he was having a good time. Laughing with her and Sam and Steve. Looked right next to her.
He had a thing for redheads, any how, right? Steve had mentioned one from the forties and him and Natasha…
Maybe you’d never been his type. That would make it all make sense.
You excused yourself from the conversation.
“Are you okay?” Wanda can feel you bubbling and you smile and nod, like you always do, but she knows you feel like you’re dying.
She can feel it, too.
“I just- um- I’m going to go powder my nose, or something”
Powdering your nose equals you doing a line of coke in a private bathroom. Trying to recenter yourself enough to go on with the rest of the lunch.
You knew it would help, it always did. Had been getting you through some nasty shit as of late.
So you suck up those fine white lines, off of one of your credit cards and let them turn the chaos in your head to a dull buzz. The drip tastes foul, but feels good, as good as you’re going to get.
You make sure your nose is clean, that your hair is fluffed and your lipstick is re applied. No evidence of what had happened.
You don’t need to be labeled the coke head superhero. You doubt that will do for the teams image.
Running into Bucky in hallway on your way back- well considering your life and luck, you shouldn’t have been surprised.
Hell, there were literal hundreds of hallways in this building- and yet there he was.
In his form fitting charcoal trousers and his black button down. With his hair pulled back into low bun. His sharp jaw on display.
You miss kissing it. Missed the way it felt beneath your lips.
“Hey…” you trail off. Feeling alien and high and anxious.
He keeps his eyes trained downwards at you, like he can’t look away and internally you squirm.
“Hi- it’s um, good to see you” He gruffs, sounding equally as awkward as you feel “I- you haven’t been around much lately”
“Yeah, I guess not”
He bites the inside of his cheek.
“I hope you’re doing alright” is all he can think to say, out of all the things in his head, that’s what he chooses.
And you can’t help it. You snort. At the audacity.
After all he’d put you through, for him to say that? God, why is your life like this?
“I’m fine, Bucky, if you’d excuse me” you try to walk around him and it’s like muscle memory, like he doesn’t even have control of himself.
His blood and bone hand reaches out and grabs your wrist, halting you.
Your stomach bubbles with emotion.
“I-I miss you” Bucky whispers. He’s so close you can feel that heat you’d longed for radiating from his body. You can smell him. Taste him on the back of your tongue…
“That’s so not fair” you protest, looking him in the eye as you say it. For the first time, mustering up your courage and saying your piece “You don’t get to say that to me- not after I literally begged you- you pushed me away, Bucky”
“I know”
“You did this to me. Fuck” your voice is shaky and his eyes are pained.
“I know, doll baby, I’m so sorry. If we could just, if you could just let me-“ You hate that you want to cave. That seeing him this hurt destroys you.
You can’t let him finish. You’ll want to do what he says, you’ll want to make him happy again.
And you can’t trade your happiness for his anymore.
“No, I can’t. I just can’t, so please let me go. I have to go” you tug your wrist out of his grip and he lets you. His own hand, balled into a fist slapping back down to his thigh as he watches you walk as fast as your heels will carry you down the hallway.
Away from him.
His face feels numb as the tears rim in his eyes.
Everything in his body tells him to chase you- but you’d asked him to let you go and although it feels wrong, and he hates it, he’ll do as you asked. 
--
It was supposed to be a routine mission. Not exactly an in and out, taking down a Hydra cell in Beirut.
You, Steve, Bucky, Natasha and Tony were supposed to be more than enough. Supposed to be, being the key word.
Hydra was a lot of things, never to be underestimated. And you guys hadn’t. All the recon, didn’t prepare you for the fact that they had been planning on you guys finding them.
There were extra men. It was a fire fight- with Tony in the sky and Steve and Bucky literally ripping men limb from limb in an attempt to even the ante-
You hold your own, your training coming in handy.
But it all happens so fast.
Youre caught mid teleport.
You feel a crushing weight in your chest. You just think you’d just been punched, hard. It’s just pressure, really, until the man in tax gear pulls the large knife from your flesh.
Blood, your blood dripping coating and dripping from the blade that had just been embedded in you,
Cold shock runs through you and your ears ring so loud you can’t hear anything over them. He goes to plunge it back, but your eyes snap closed and you use all of your energy to teleport from his arms.
You don’t get far. Falling in a heap at his feet, but it gives you enough time to watch the bullet pierce his head from behind. A bullet in his forehead oozing before he drops, dead weight beside you.
Youre gasping. Both hands clutching at your chest that you almost can’t feel. It doesn’t hurt, and that scares you more.
No pain. That’s bad right?
No pain, but your hands are slippery wet and when you look at them, coated in crimson.
No pain but you can’t catch your breath. Can’t take a breath. Are gasping around the hole inside you.
Then there’s black pant clad legs infront of you, heavy combat boots familiar, before you’re laid on your back, a hand coming to cradle the back of your head, tilting it off or her cold, cement floor.
Then, you’re looking up at Bucky who has yanked off his eye mask and who is staring down at you, his blue eyes wide. Scared, more fear then you’ve ever seen in them
His pink lips moving. He’s saying something but your ears are ringing so loudly still.
“B-Bucky” you gasp. Really- it comes out as more of a gurgle. Fear runs through you at the sound of it and you tremble.
“You’re okay, it’s okay, Y/N. Don’t talk- we have to keep pressure on the wound” he moves your hands so that his big one can hold the wound. Yours instantly reach to grip his, bloody fingers intertwining.
You’re leaking.
From your eyes and your mouth. From the hole. Tears and blood and soul exiting your body.
And all Bucky can do is watch. Is grasp you, try to keep pressure as he screams into his com that you need a medevac, that you’re hurt bad, that you need help bad.
He’s usually stony, calm. All his years in the army, and then in Hydra. He’s always calculated on missions.
How can he be calculated when you’re dying. When there’s nothing he can do. When sunlight is melting in his hands.
“I-“ it’s a gurgle again, bloody and frothy and your eyes unfocus. “B-b-b”
“Shh, baby, please don’t talk. It’s alright, you’re gonna be o-kay” he chokes on a sob because it’s a lie. You’re not. He knows the human body- he knows that where the knife had pierced you- he’d hit an artery.
You’re bleeding out, he knows it- you have minutes. Less than. And there’s nothing he can fucking do.
You don’t hurt, you want to tell him. It’s okay. You want to tell him.
I love you so much.
You’re so stupid for never telling him.
You try to open your mouth but it’s full- you can’t swallow and blood flows from the corners. Into your hair, across your face.
Instead you smile, and it’s bloody and morbid, and you squeeze his hand with both of yours. It’s weak and barley there but he can feel it. He squeezes back.
Squeezes long after you’ve gone limp and the spark, all that light and life and vibrance, leaves your eyes. Until Steve grabs his shoulder, forces him to let go of you. Of your corpse.
I love you, he thinks as he watches Tony, in his iron man suit, carry you away. You’re limp and stiff in his metal arms.
I love you.
Neither of you ever got the chance to tell each other.
And now you never will. 
@peacefulwriter88 @geekyweed @gifsbysimplysonia @prettybubblesintheair @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @lostinspace33 @4theluvofall @plumfondler @jaamesbbarnes @jalapenobarnes @sad-af1121 @thatawkwardtinyperson @brieannakeogh @paulxrudd @prettyyoungtragedy @whichwayisthebeach-seabass @shay-iamiam @kagome1414 @thejamesoldier @papi-chulo-bucky @spidey-babe-parker @rachelle-on-the-run
Aaaaaaand all I can say is I’m sorry? That I don’t know where this came from and I apologize for trauma? I love you guys?
Let me know what you thought of this one and we can all be sad together.
158 notes · View notes
cocastyle · 5 years
Text
Mamma Mia - Chapter 5
Pairing- Tony Stark x reader, Steve Rogers x reader, Bucky Barnes x reader
Word Count- 1,808 words
Warning- none
A/N- sorry it’s been a while! here’s another update that shows a little background to Peter and Alex’s relationship! hope you all like it!
Into Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
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Three years ago. . .
Peter Parker let out a sigh as he walked aimlessly through the airport. As an aspiring photographer, he was always looking for new places to go and shoot. Luckily for him, he had found out about this beautiful Greek island called Kalokairi that not too many people knew about. That meant staying there was less expensive and the scenery would be new to photography.
However, what he didn't realize was that the language was different and everywhere he went, every sign he tried to read, was written in Greek. Peter sighed again in frustration as he ran a hand through his hair and tried to determine what the sign in front of him was trying to say.
He was just about to give up and try and find out if someone around here spoke English when he heard the most beautiful voice he had ever heard fill the air.
"I'm nothing special, in fact I'm a bit of a bore.
If I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before.
But I have a talent, a wonderful thing
'Cause everyone listens when I start to sing
I'm so grateful and proud
All I want is to sing it out loud."
Peter instantly perked up at the sound of the girl's voice and didn't even hesitate before following it around the corner to where a blonde haired girl around his age sat at a piano. Peter's eyes widened at the sight of her. Not only did she have an amazing voice, but she was the prettiest girl he had ever laid eyes on.
"So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing.
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty.
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me."
Peter seemed to be in a trance as he watched the girl sing and he quickly looked around him to see if anyone was paying attention to the girl before them. He almost gasped when he realized not a single person was actually looking at her. There were a few tapping their feet to the beat, but other than that, no one was really paying attention. Peter didn't understand why.
"Mother says I was a dancer before I could walk.
She says I began to sing long before I could talk.
And I've often wondered, how did it all start?
Who found out that nothing could capture a heart like a melody can?
Well, whoever it was, I'm a fan.
So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing.
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing.
Who can live with it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me.
I've been so lucky, I am the girl with golden hair
I wanna sing it out to everybody
What a joy, what a life, what a chance!"
Peter's eyes widened as she hit that last note. Her eyes were closed as she sang it, but she hit it so effortlessly that it didn't even seem like she had to even think about it. Peter couldn't stop the smile from growing on his face as he watched the girl sing with so much passion and emotion.
It was obvious she loved singing and he couldn't help it when he took his camera out and snapped a picture of her singing her heart out. He looked down at the result and smiled before putting his camera away and enjoying the rest of the performance.
"So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me."
The music came to an end and Peter felt his heart drop at the fact. The girl let out a small sigh as she took her hands off of the piano. Peter watched her for a moment before suddenly walking over to her. It was like something was drawing him to her. Like something was telling him that he needed to talk to this girl. That she was going to change his life.
He stopped beside her and the girl looked up to him. Peter's breath hitched at the sight of her stunning blue eyes and he had to stop himself from running away in fright. He took in a small breath to calm himself before holding out his hand.
"I'm Peter. Peter Parker. I just wanted to say that your singing was spectacular. The best I've ever had the pleasure of listening to actually," Peter said. He had begun to ramble a little bit, but thankfully he was able to stop himself from making a fool out of himself.
The girl smiled at him and Peter felt like that one smile could solve all of the world's problems. "Thank you," she said, her voice practically as melodious as her singing voice. She reached out and took his hand in her own. "I'm Alexandra L/N."
"But you can call me Alex."
- - -
"Oh my gosh! Pepper's packed for a world tour!" Wanda exclaimed from her spot next to Pepper's bag. Y/N let out a small laugh and looked over from where she was currently fixing the window to see Wanda and Natasha looking at Pepper's things.
Wanda held up a thong and chuckled before looking at Y/N. "What do you think? Does she wear it or floss with it?" Wanda asked as Pepper walked out of the bathroom in a towel and wet hair. Pepper glared at the girl and quickly grabbed her underwear before throwing it into her bag. "Floss you," she muttered under her breath while the others laughed.
"Oh, listen to this," Natasha said as she pulled a bottle out of Pepper's bag. "The world's most luxurious moisturizer contains flakes of 24-karat gold and extracts of donkey testicles." "You're just jealous," Pepper tried to tell her while Wanda poured them some wine.
Wanda handed each of the friends a glass and they all turned to each other while Natasha continued to tease Pepper. "At a thousand dollars a dollop," Natasha teased. "Tell you, that's the price you have to pay if you wanna drink before eleven in the morning!" Pepper exclaimed making them all laugh.
"And we do!" they all exclaimed in unison before laughing and clinking their glasses together. The group then took sips of their drinks and started to laugh and joke with each other, none of them knowing the events that were about to take place and it all started with the fact that three very important men from Y/N's had just arrived on the island.
- - -
Alex hummed softly to herself as she walked out of one of the parts of the hotel with a box in her hand. She walked slower upon seeing three men staring off over the side of the balcony and she set the box down.
"Hi?" she said and the three turned to look at her. "May I help you?"
"Sure, we're here for the wedding actually," the nicer dressed one said. He took his sunglasses off and put them in his pocket before holding a hand out to the girl. "I'm Tony Stark," he greeted and the girl paled slightly as she shook his hand.
Tony Stark? One of her possible fathers?
"I'm Barnes. James Barnes, but some people call me Bucky," one of the other men said as he held his hand out. Alex shook it and stared at him with wide eyes, unable to comprehend what was happening.
Tony Stark and James Barnes. . . Two of her possible fathers.
Finally, her eyes flickered over to the last man and he took his sunglasses off to reveal bright blue eyes. "Steve Rogers," he said with a smile as he too shook her hand.
Alex let her hand fall limply to her side as she stared at the three men in front of her. She always thought that upon seeing her father, that she would know exactly who it was. But standing here, with all three of her possible fathers right before her, Alex had no clue which one was her real father.
"I-" Alex couldn't get a sentence out as she continued to stare at them and the three men furrowed their eyebrows in confusion. "You are expecting us, right?" Steve asked.
Alex seemed to snap out of the trance she was in and a big smile appeared on her face. She may not know which one of the men was her father, but one of her was and that was all that mattered.
"Oh my God. Yes!" Alex exclaimed. She wanted to rush forward and hug them each, by she knew better and just smiled at them. Bucky titled his head slightly as he looked at the smiling girl, something about her smile and features seeming familiar to him.
Then it clicked. "You're Y/N's daughter," he whispered in disbelief and Alex's eyes flickered over to him. "Yes," she said, happy that he had recognized.
"I thought you looked familiar," Tony said as he smiled at the girl. "Uh. . .Alexandra, right?" "I go by Alex. I was named after an Alexandra," she told him. "I used to have a great-Aunt living on the mainland named Alexandra," Tony said.
"Would you mind if we see our rooms before we see your mother?" Steve asked. "Sure," Alex told them. "It's just that I'd like to, you know, freshen up before the reunion. It was kind of hot out there," Steve chuckled as he and the other men began walking towards the main entrance of the hotel grounds.
"No! No!" Alex exclaimed and the three men stopped in their tracks before giving the girl a confused look. "I mean. . .yes, but come this way."
They glanced at each other before looking back to the girl. Alex just gave them a small smile before waving in the direction she wanted them to go. They followed her through one of the buildings until they reached a small dark doorway that led to who knows where.
Steve looked at it confused. "Come on," Alex told them. Tony chuckled and patted Steve's shoulder. "You heard the girl," Tony said with a laugh as he hurried after her. Steve and Bucky glanced at each other before sighing and following after.
This was definitely not what they had been expecting when they had decided to come to the wedding.
Tag List:
@babygirlizz
@stars-cant-be-broken
@sammmnmy
@oceanmendes
65 notes · View notes
ralfstrashcan · 5 years
Text
3x22 Reaction / Commentary
Fair warning: Despite all feelings of nostalgia and melancholy with this being the last episode and all, this contains the usual amount of salt. Just, consider yourself warned XD
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Impressive. Quick question though, why didn't Lilith pull this neat trick before going to Magnus and begging for an opening in the rift? We'll never know. Possibly because she's dumb.
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Why would he give away his element of surprise with that stupid roar? Wtf man.
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Istg if they kill Meliorn off just after I fell in love with him last episode imma riot so hard. Wtf.
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1) Jeliorn Shipper: It's not actually clear who he's addressing XD 2) Am I the only one who feels like Meliorn's feelings for Izzy skyrocketed after they broke off their little mutually beneficial arrangement?? Because I sure do. Very convenient for the plot too.
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This is both hilarious and infuriating XD
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Boo Team Warlock. They can see that Meliorn is lying on the ground, obviously wounded, and all they do is stand around. Why do they all suck at first aid?? I mean, man down! What more do you need to know wtf.
Also what is that? Lorenzo actually being helpful? Wtf haha. Btw I made up my mind, he's lost bits of his character along the way. I don't like it. He's suddenly supposed to be a good lizard baby? Sure. *scoff*
I like that bit where Lorenzo and Magnus pool magic for a more effective attack but I'm doubtful they're perfectly synchronized since they never fought together. Or is this like a standard warlock fight maneuver? Are those a thing? I need answers.
Lilith shooting her fancy fire spit ball five meters to the left is both an overused cliché and ridiculous.
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THIS is their plan of attack? They're all gonna die haha.
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Script: Close up of female shoes with heels so everyone knows this is a woman.
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RIDICULOUS
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So did I understand that correctly? Lilith flew right into the line of literal fire? Whyyyy?
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RIDICULOUS PLASTIC EYE IS RIDICULOUS
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Wtf why isn't Lorenzo loudly objecting??
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That circle reminds me of Guardians of the Galaxy in the worst way. Wow. I can't believe I just watched this. Wtf this was so bad *weeping* Btw note, considerate CGI flames only burn on torso and arms not on legs. Riiiight.
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...................................................................what.
I mean, yay. All shadowhunters are jobless now. Guess all problems are solved. We just have an entire (slightly racist) race on our hands that's out of an occupation and also, militry. Those things don't mix well. Wtf. I cannot. comprehend. Wtf.
Also wtf. This was supposed to be the boss fight. And they finished it without a plan with one player literally before the opening?? UHHHH???
But, anyway. I guess I should be glad Alec didn't have to make good on his promise of living in Edom with Magnus, because as @intezaarlily so hilariously pointed out
The Alliance rune was temporary and wore off in like 5 hours, and Nephilim can’t survive in Edom because of their blood once the rune wears off, but Alec says he’ll spend the rest of his life with Magnus in Edom … I mean, I love the romantic sentiment! But that will be a very short life.
XD XD XD
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Uhhhh yeah, the fact that Sizzy get a sex scene (ugh, could have done without that honestly) Clace get cute cuddling and Malec get................ lying five feet apart even though THEY ARE LEGIT A MARRIED COUPLE WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Honestly, I mostly skirt the negativity that surrounds the issue of how Malec always get shitty kisses and intimacy etc. But this is ridiculous. RI-DIC-U-LOUS. At this point, who knows if they'll even kiss at their wedding? We'll be lucky if they hold hands. Honestly. WTF.
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Yeah agree to disagree. I'm not even sorry for my extra salt. Wtf. Still hung up on Malec. At least Izzy's runes glitter prettily in the morning light.
“I mean like relationships. Everyone that I've been in has magnificently imploded like the Death Star.”
SIGH. This is clearly not true. He stayed good friends with his exes (Clary, Maia) so that's a lie. And Saia was working out really well until the series needed it to stop, so it's not like he's inept. So either he's exaggerating because he's hella unreflected or he says that to get some pity from Izzy, either way I hate it.
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Uuhhhh Izzy, you were never interested in having a relationship. That's not the same as screwing up a relationship wtf.
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...............Does the show want to tell me Magnus is left-handed or what. Wow.
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I
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hadn't
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noticed.
I guess Canon wants to use this last opportunity to tell us that Magnus is ambidextrous *shrug*
Also why the hell did Lorenzo give them back the loft? Oh right, he's a Good Lizard Baby now. The heck.
Anyway I did a very thorough reaction to this sneak peek scene already for a private correspondence, so enjoy ahaha ;)
- Me being deprived of Malec Morning Cuddles (and LittleSpoon!Alec) is unfair and I'm Not Over It.
+ Magnus excitedly writing their wedding invitation though <3<3<3
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- Cheek kiss wtf man where are my REAL morning smooches WTF
+ CHEEK KISS SO CUTE OMG MAGNUS'S FACCEEEEEEEE I CANNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
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+ MAGNUS'S FRAKKING FACE WHEN HE GIVES ALEC THE INVITATION SCRIPT THINGY, RAISED EYE BROW AND THAT LIP THING HE DOES, LIKE IN THE TRAINING SCENE HAHAHAHA I LOVE
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+ MAGNUS'S FACE AS ALEC READS THE INVITATION OUTTTT
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+ A L E C S  FACE AT “TONIGHT” LIKE OMG HE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST HAD A LOBOTOMY HAHAHAHAHA I CANNOT
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~ Okay I am conflicted about this. While I can buy both, Magnus wanting to move ahead and Alec wanting to plan (because I think it fits them both in terms of being in character) in this particular matter I kinda headcanon the reverse: Alec not able to wait another minute to Lock Magnus Down and Magnus wanting everything to be absolutely perfect and losing himself in planning.
That being said, Magus being like “Gotta get married while we still can and there's not a disaster on the horizon” is.... idk, isn't that kind of sad? He's all about cherishing things in life so you can remember them. And stumbling through his MARRIAGE, with must mean a real real lot to him, being his first in all his 400/800 years, that's... not really uplifting? He deserves better than that.
+ Magnus's clap tho at “location” XD XD XD
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+ ALEC'S FACE AT TAJ MAHAL HAHAHA HIS FROWNY MOUTH
~ Quick question, how the hell does Magnus want to hold a whole ass marriage ceremony at a public mundane place?? With glamor? Without? Sounds like an unrealistic mess either way
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+ “THE INSTITUTE” I CAN'T MAGNUS AND ALEC KILL IT BOTH WITH THIS WTF HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I CANT
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- Alec's reasoning. Honestly, I don't like it that much. Don't get me wrong, Alec being aware of the political dimension and liking it is 100% ic. But. This is their wedding. Their. Wedding. They do everything else for others, for their people and for the mundanes and the frikking world as a whole (3x20 being a prime example, basically screwing their personal happines to hell and back (pun intended) to close the rift saved the world because those wraiths wouldn't have stopped after Alicante let's be real). And their wedding, this should be just for them. How they like it, how they envision and how they've always dreamed about it. It shouldn't be held so others can benefit from it.
I want the wedding to be at the Instutite. In my mind no other venue even comes into question. But I would have loved if the motivation was differently nuanced. If Alec would have said that he's imagined it there, because yeah, Magnus's loft is his home and his heart, but the Institute must hold sentimental value for him, too. He grew up there. It's basically all he's known his whole life up to like three months ago. It's the embodiment of him being a shadowhunter and he loves being a shadowhunter, it's his identity. And Alec is a traditional guy. He wants his classical shadowhunter wedding and those are held at an Institute. He must have envisioned this after he started dating Magnus: exchanging vows in a ceremony held by a silent brother and with their wedding jewelry, in the chapel of the Institute, simply because this is the only marriage proceedure he's ever known.
Pissing off the clave, or rather, having the clave begrudingly accept him with his true self presented to the world should be a welcome byproduct, but not the main motivation.
From Magnus I would buy this line of reasoning sooner than from Alec because Magnus has hated the clave and its injustice since forever, has suffered far harsher under them than Alec, so he has a lot more personal interest to stick it to the clave than Alec, who, sorry, literally discovered their falseness three months ago. But then again, I don't think thoughts like that would be on the forefront of Magnus's mind and so it makes sense Alec would be the one to bring up this aspect. I just don't like how it was nuanced.
In any case, rewatching that scene I'm amazed at the amount of time Alec flounders before catching Magnus's attention, it's hilarious to watch XD
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+ MAGNUS'S CONSIDERING POUT THOUGH WTF MAN WHO ALLOWED THIS
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Another missing scene waiting to be written, of Magnus wearing a tux around Alec (and Alec drooling over him lol).
“It's just... all these hundreds of years... I can't believe you've never been married.”
Yeah, dito. How about you expand a little more on your personal stance on marriage, Magnus?? It's for science.
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NOT ANYMORE APPARENTLY WTF CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS SOME MORE PLEASE
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1) Wow this was quick 2) Uh-huh, guess that's why they mentioned them before this episode, oh, never.
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1) Then ralf would quit watching this show and who would make dumb comics then? 2) Lol I guess her poor ex warlock boy toy got dumped
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HAHAHAHA THE WAY HE DELIVERS THAT LINE I CAN'T XD XD XD
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TMI bro
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Good. At least he's not completely delusional then.
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Gal you said “focus” like once, that's not a lesson wtf.
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Yeah, creepy creepy feelings.
But this is actually interesting since she can't lie, and she says in no uncertain terms that she wants to split her power with him, or at least the rule over earth. Buf if she's so afraid of him she even wants to rule beside him and relinquish part of her might, then I don't get why she didn't just kill him off when he was in his cocoon. Why risk making an enemy of him? Makes no sense. (Except that this would have been anticlimactic lol.) Also my question of what happened to Lucifer still stands.
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Uhhhh apparently they just slept together, turning into a child is majorly creepy wtf dude. Also, where does her changed wardrobe come from? Absorbing clothes during a transformation is a skill werewolves would pay real money for, I can tell you. Market niche. Patent while you still can.
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..................really? *sigh*
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#vulnerability #abandonment issues #give jace wayland (or whatever you want to call him) a hug dammit
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Finally, happy parabatai. What a sight for sore eyes.
Biting back more Sizzy salt, wow I'm impressed at myself.
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HOW ABOUT YOU BOTH FRAKKING SAY THAT ABOUT MAGNUS WTF
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(Btw the German Dubbing: “I was just thinking of asking you that!” lol as if the thought had crossed Izzy's mind in that exact second, making that whole thing even more ridiculous.)
Anyway.
“You know, I always thought I never needed a parabatai, that I was at my best when I was on my own.”
No that was because you disliked the weird codependency it produces. And it's fine if you change your mind on that and decide that the benefits outweight that, but please don't do it offscreen during an action screen but like, throughout a whole season? Consider sharing a thought or two about that fundamental change in your world view with the audience? Otherwise people (me) can just laugh their ass of at how ridiculous and ooc this is. Wtf. WtF. Then again she literally changed her stance on relationships in like a week and her stance on Simon in half a day, so I guess it's kind of consistent?? *snort*
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There's a joke about missing hair in here somewhere. These poor, poor men. They were ROBBED. (And so were we XD)
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Since when can Clary order around the Head of Security?? (Also look at her manic face in this shot ahahaha. Was that deliberate on my part?? You can't prove a thing!!)
Also Luke missing Alec's wedding again is history repeating itself.
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IMMORTALITY RUNE ON THE RUN!! EVERYBODY DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND CATCH IT!!!
Clary, gal, if you keep slinking after the rune like that you'll never catch it. Srsly. And you wonder why you lose track of it all the time? Move your butt, man!!!
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WOW GREATEST DISAPPOINTMENT EVER. Can I skip this scene? Please?
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Wow that was less painful than expected
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Oh damn I knew this was too easy.
Btw apparently they have styling opportunities wherever Jocelyn's soul went after her death, because the clothes she wore when she went west
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and the ones she's wearing now are similar, but decidedly not the same.
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“Btw we'll talk about that creepy ass behavior later, and no supper for you tonight young lady!!”
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Uh-huh, and what, pray tell, is Jocelyn? A zombie?? Just wondering.
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These so-called “angels” are racists and you can quote me on that.
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HAHAHA YEAH EXACTLY, SO RIDICULOUS AMIRIGHT
I mean. “Never draw another new rune or we'll take away your ability to create runes” basically translates to me “You have one last shot.” Right?
(Premonition!Ralf: ..........................you know nothing, Past Ralf.)
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HAHAHAH SO FRAKKIN EXTRA I LOVE HIM
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I think the white one is the prettiest <3<3<3 And now I wanna eat cake. Dammit.
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LISTEN I KNOW HE SAYS THAT TO BE SASSY BUT!!!!! WHAT WAS MAGNUS GONNA EAT FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY???? ROASTED SHAX DEMON DRUMSTICKS??????? I NEED ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!
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This “beauty” clearly is from his mansion, so he obviously only says this to gloat. What a tool. Or is this like, a different size? And he has the same three pictures of himself plastered over all his homes, but in different sizes??
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LOL this feels like splitting household goods with an ex. And they didn't even date (uagh the mental image *shudder*)
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Mostly for each other, but continue.
Also, is this Lorenzo's formal request to be adopted into that weird ass Protagonist!Family? Because loooool the position of sassy shady uncle is still vacant. I'm sure Peter Hale will teach him some tricks.
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Don't get me wrong, I like the scene itself but...... what happend to the evil lizard baby? It seems that just like Maryse he got a character makeover between one scene and the next. This change of heart comes out of frakkin nowhere. He goes from “good riddance magnus i hate your guts” to “pls love me” in literally half a day. And I don't like that. Wtf.
Also, another thing: Why do they always imply warlocks are completely unable to find a lasting relationship / family / even some level of happiness that isn't “sitting in my plush villa and drinking overpriced alcohol”? As if all warlocks are inapt. Tf.
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I mean, he's been showing that through absence, but I guess that's more because of the same reasons that persistently keep Catarina from showing her face than him actually not caring about his kids, there's no real grounds for this level of desinterest in Show!Robert's character. But anyway, I like the sentiment, that conflicts between the parents don't necessarily inevitably destroy the relationships between one parent and the children. And Maryse was always good at compartmentalizing things, so this is very fitting.
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Wow I had really hoped I wouldn't have to see this particular face again. Guess we can't always get what we want *sigh* also what's the shit with those glasses? *snort*
Also, I mean, I'm by no means an expert, but even I know that you don't actually store a bow with the string attached? You unclip it so it doesn't wear out? But whatever, what do I know about angelic weaponry, right.
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Wtf he was cleared for missions seasons ago. Did they forget? Apparently? Ugh but I don't care so, moving on.
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“You'll be save on this balcony.”
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*SIGH* Honestly I'm wondering what they even learn at their dumb Shadowhunter Academy. Since common sense, first aid, and make sure your frikkin enemy is dead by slitting their throat and !never! turn your back on them are obviously not on the curriculum. SMH.
Ngl though, good riddance on the Max front XD
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Guess I cheered too early. You had one job, Jonathan. One. Job.
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HAHAHAHA HONESTLY HAHAHA THE GUY NEXT TO HER FALLS AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN TWITCH, JUST KEEPS RECORDING LOOOL
Btw all the people running away, they're screaming their heads off but they're not really like, running? They're barely even jogging lol it's so funny XD
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Let me just....
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Yes. This.
Also that whole “I've never been to Toronto” totally clashes with Izzy asking Clary literally three minutes earlier if she can open her a portal to Los Angeles. I mean, they don't even try and pretend that their portal travel is consistent anymore. Sigh.
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I mean. He. Hehehe.
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Amazing that Magnus has been in this exact street in his exact spot. Luck-y.
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Same, Jonathan. Same.
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Wow she's smart trying the spite approach to get Jonathan to want to prove her wrong.
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.....or not. Wtf Clary. You had him. Even after all this, you could have salvaged this. But there's just No Happy Ending for Jonathan. It's so unfair. Rest in peace, my poor misunderstood murderous incest baby.
Also
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Wing Rune? Death via Crushing Wing Hug??
Btw if the runes are gifts from the angels and they don't approve of her use then why do they keep sending them to her?? Just, don't? Problem solved? No need for a Jocelyn!Scolding?
Edit: As a smart person pointed out to me Clary's ability to create runes isn't a direct gift from the angels that they gave her specifically, it's a result of Valentine's neat experiments. But then I wonder a) why the angels even allowed those blasphemous experiments in the first place (since apparently they can long-distance-derune people no problem, then I guess they could have stopped Valentine too?) and b) if they have the power to long-distance-derune people and they have the power to form some sort of resistance against Clary inventing runes..... how does that add up? Why the heck can't they forge a resistance strong enough against Clary's attempts to create a specific rune? It makes no sense. You can't be ridiculously powerful in one rune-aspect and ridiculously weak in one other rune-aspect. Either the angel has power over the runes (since they were a gift from him) or he doesn't. But this is rubbish. Or, y'know, plot convenience. Ugh.
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Buhuu, they didn't use the stupid ass angelic rune ever so whatever. Until Raziel doesn't come down and exchanges her spinal marrow I'm writing this off as Consequenceless Dramatics.
Malec Wedding Ceremony. Phew. Originally I thought I'd keep this short but I changed my mind. Since this is my last reaction post I might as well go all out (with the salt, among other things), so. Here we go.
Music choice and the general everything-is-muffled-under-the-song was absolutely wonderful. I really love that song and it's very Malec-y.
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UGH
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AWWW WOULD YOU LOOK WHO DEIGNED TO SHOW UP
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The suit suits him (ahahahaha I'm so sorry) but I'm kinda bummed he's not wearing Shadowhunter Gold?! I mean?!
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Whoever that is, she has kickass hair and I love it, and I kept looking for her in the background the whole time. To some success I might add.
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Yeah please show me Lorenzo's face instead of, idk, Jace's wtf haha. Also who invited Meliorn.
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Is it even a real wedding ceremony when the groom is already wearing his ring??
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U G H
Cat should have been the one to give Magnus away. Maryse could have given Alec away if she must (honestly, it should have been Jace, not Robert or Maryse, but whatever). But Maryse giving Magnus away? The Fuck? She HATED him two months ago. She literally gave up on him after he SAVED ALL THEIR ASSES AND WAS STUCK IN EDOM after like half a day. Also I kind hate her ridiculous redemption. But sure, have Cat, his best friend for centuries, stand on the sidelines and only show her face for a second. Frikkin Madzie had more screen time than Cat wtf. I hate that Shadowhunters infiltrate every aspect of Magnus's life and force his Downworlder friends out of it. That's the real oppression wtf. I'm so angry at this. The frikkin audacity.
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Awww, the other half second of Cat's screen time. Let me fawn over it. I love her dress, especially the arms, the necklace is a bit much but she rocks it anyway, I love her hairdo and her smile is the sweetest.
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*cough*
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Ngl I laughed my ass off at this. Because, y'know, communication. Is totally their thing, isn't it. They're so good at it. This is sarcastic in case you can't tell.
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I really really loved this line though.
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HAHAHA I LOST IT. I mean, I found their interlaced speaking ridiculous already, but this?? PFFFF HAHAHA. No. Just, no. But I guess the one good thing I can take away from this is that since they both say their “always” together it is in fact the same “always” so thanks for more Immortal Alec Foreshadowing.
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Whoa those are a lot of candles. I approve. Lexa does, too.
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Magnus throwing confetti is too cute for this world.
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And then they just.... leave? Am I the only one finding that weird???? This was so short? Where are they going?? lol????
Okay, apparently Clary's runes are all gonna disappear. Uh. Okay. I don't see where this makes sense, but anyway. Her acting in these last moments was absolutely awesome.
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I really love that Magnus and Raphael got the scene together that they deserved. I just enjoy that Downworlder Dad Magnus and Grumpy Son Raphael aren't treated as a Plot Devices and only interact when some Stupid Plotline requires it, but outside of it too. It's so refreshing.
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Ralf: “Oh God please spare me.”
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........not my lucky day apparently.
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Hahahaha love ya.
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DAMN RIGHT
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Jace and Maryse dancing in the background tho. Cute.
BTW wtf, I didn't undestand Annoying!Ghost!Jocelyn in the way that Clary was gonna die. Just, she wouldn't have her fancy rune powers anymore. And okay, apparently she won't have any rune powers but... uh, death? That's a whole different dimension we're talking here. And why tf can't anyone be precise on this show for once wtf!
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1) Helen is valid and for probably the first time in her life said something smart. 2) They started dating 3 days ago, wtf gals, I mean I heard of the u-haul cliché but honestly wtf. lol.
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Ralf: *hits pause* NO. Kay, in the same room as Ralf, fully aware that the latter is watching the last half of 3x22 with the Malec Wedding (with headphones, I'm considerate and don't want to spoiler my sister): What is it? Are they adopting a child? Ralf: No, WORSE. Kay: Are they pregnant?? Ralf: NOOOOOOO Kay: Tell me. Ralf: ........no. I want to see the look on your face when you see this.
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You had one job dude. One job. And you failed.
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Ralf: I'm going to be sick.
Honestly. WTF. Sorry, but Lorenzo is probably the un-gayest character on this show. Wtf. No. I refuse. I also refuse to believe that anyone looks at Lorenzo's self-important pompous ass and thinks hnnnngh relationship material. Or worse, one-night stand material. No! No! Punching bag material! Sleek antagonist material! That's all he is dammit!!
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I REALLY AM GOING TO BE SICK WTF. UGH NO. NOOO WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE (aka screen writers) WHO THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA. And also, can I give the biggest anti-compliment to the Max actor for the absolutely shitty delivery of this line? It's as if he's as dead inside as I am, because he says this as if he honestly couldn't give a single shit about Magnus and just ??????????????? wtf
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Yeah, that one time she glanced at him in the Ops Center really gave it away. What the actual ffkk. Alec was preoccupied with other things then, wtf, he wouldn't even notice that on a good day. Sorry, show, but less is more sometimes. Not everyone needs a frikkin significant other and this is just ridiculous. What's next, Max and Madzie? UGH.
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Lol this would be less ridic if apart from 1x05 this wasn't their first interaction.
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NO NO NO NO!!!!!! I hate that I can't stop scanning the background for them! It's like the countdown on a bomb, you can't look away even though you know you should just turn and run. WTF. NO.
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bitch what's alec been doing his whole life huh huh huh????
“Every single cell in my body loves you. And when those cells die and new ones are born those cells love you even more. So Jace, no matter what happens, my love for you will never die.”
Ridiculous Shadowhunter Biology Knowledge striking but I'll let it slide because that was really sweet.
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Also ahahaha shouldn't that rune be gone already???
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Shadowhunter #1 in the Background: *biting back a sob* I'm so crushed I wasn't invited to Malec's wedding and saddled with active duty instead. Shadowhunter #2 in the Background: *wiping away tears* Yeah, me too.... What did we ever do to deserve this </////////3
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Again, how did she understand that from the weird AF scolding??? TF.
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Uh, yeah, blatant contradiction, whatever. Btw since I know how that goes in the books (for Simon) I'm really wondering if they're gonna pull the same thing for Clary now. (Ugh.)
Also, following both a hint and innate curiosity I paused on the letter that Clary supposedly actually wrote AND WTF HAHAHAHA. I CAN'T.
Dear Jace, forgive me for leaving all of a sudden. I came to the realization that it's time for me to move on. I don't know what is motivating me to take this action but I must act on my feelings. From the first day we met we had a connection from ??? my introduction to the Shadow Hunters World. Alec, Simon, Izzy, the institute and all of the Shadow Hunters opened up skills and experiences that I could never imagine I had. You and I spent many years together and have experienced many adventures together which I will never forget. Many times over they have put our lives at risk but we have always managed to survive in the end. You have saved my life on many occasions (screen end, but I guess sth like “you have looked”) after me and taken care of me (same, “which I'll never”) forget. Your love for me I will always (“treasure”?) May our Shadows meet again, Love Clary
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL HAHAHAHAHA WTF
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........................I paused here and I was this tempted to just, stop watching. Honestly, Shadowhunters, what have you done to me. Making me honestly consider to ditch the last ten minutes of a show that I dearly, dearly love. Wtf. I just, I can't. Wow.
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Where's the beard, Luke. It's been “a year” so uh you've had time to grow it back.
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1) Magnus “left handed” Bane again writing with his right hand. Mysterious. 2) Honestly I kinda spaced out on this scene after this shot because those blue smears? I was so SURE those would be fingerpaint clumsily smeared on Magnus by Malec's Baby of Horrors. I was so focused on there being any hints of them having adopted a baby already, dreaded anguish kinda making it impossible to taking in anything else. The only thing I really noticed is that they moved with their whole ass loft and I love that.
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Honestly, this and the “High Warlock of Alicante” are the only two acceptable things about this whole terrible fever haze dream I have entered. Not that “High Warlock of Alicante” makes any sense. It just has a nice ring to it, that's all. I really can't put into words how ridiculous and, yeah, almost offensive I find it that they actually pretend that blatant racism can be wiped out of the minds of people in the matter of a single year. Sure. The whole Clave changed their racist beliefs and Alec skipped from being a mere Head of an Insitute over being a Clave Envoy to being an Inquisitor (which doesn't even make sense, since an Inquisitor seems to be going from Institute to Insitute and acting as a judge for Shadowhunters on trial, not negotiating how the Clave treats Downworlders). And which warlocks exactly does Magnus represent in Alicante? It makes no sense for the Clave to allow Downworlders to just, randomly live there? And that's got nothing to do with discrimination, that's just logic if you run a military organization: You don't allow civilians to mingle. They don't belong in the Ops Center of an organization they have no part in? I'm all for Downworlders being allowed to participate in legislative etc. but living in Alicante (as more than the significant other of a Shadowhunter) makes no sense. And sorry, I don't believe that in one year there formed SO MANY Shadowhunter/Warlock relationships that SO MANY warlocks moved to Alicante that they need a HIGH WARLOCK for representation. There's SO MUCH wrong with all of this that I have no choice but to move on.
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Hmmmm it only took Maia one (1) year to realize that carefully painting over blood splatters with yellow (and not even removing pictures while doing so) isn't in fact enough to cover them up and she needs to get a completely new paintjob, prefereably in a dark color.
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Okay that made me laugh at least.
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*rolls eyes so hard* And again with the pointless coupling up of characters. Are singles even a thing in this world? Apparently not. *SIGH*
“The Drevak Demons in Long Island?” “The hunt continues.” “Don't stop until they're gone. Is that clear?”
As much as I love Izzy, I'm not sure this dialogue really assures me of her competence as Head? I mean? “The demons are not dead yet? Kill them until they are, understood? And don’t argue with me on that, I’m super serious!!” It's not as if this isn't literally all that Shadowhunters do all day. I just don't see Izzy working a desk job. She's meant to be out in the field, slaying demons and cracking jokes and her whip while doing that. Sorry, but that's just how it is.
I could even tolerate that Sizzy scene because I was sooooo relieved Underhill didn't mention having a significant other or anything of the sort. Dodged a frakkin bullet there.
Edit: Nope, no, I can't. It's been two weeks and I have regained enough of my strength to be salty about Sizzy. But let me keep it to a minimum because time. 1) Simon not wanting to kiss Izzy in the hall is ridiculous, as if it hasn't been common knowledge since before that whole Downworlder Deputy Stuff started that they are a thing. So obviously this was just to pepper in the fact that he is in fact one of the Downworlder Deputies, whatever that should mean.
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2) Nice to know that Simon continues to exploit his girlfriend's authority. Some things never change I guess, first with Saia and now with Sizzy. 3) I just find it ridiculous that while Simon wasn't able to keep a relationship running for more than two weeks before, suddenly this one works out a whole year without a hitch. Oh right, this was The Endgame Pairing, the other's weren't. *sigh*
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<3<3<3<3<3 The Jimon Friendship we deserve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE CONTENT I WANT TO SEE, NOT WHATEVER THAT OTHER NIGHTMARISH STUFF WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Uh-huh, and what was Simon doing, exactly? Oh right.
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Anyway.
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I mean, as much as I love this dynamic and the fact that Jace managed to form a friendship with Simon who he kinda hated / pitied before, and as much as I love this scene itself..... the implications for Jalec are terrible. Jace is obviously not coping. At All. He's one wrong word from having tears running from his eyes in any given situation. And Alec just, effs off to Alicante to sip martinis with Magnus? Thank you for nothing, Alec. Wtf. I'd like some details on when exactly he decided to leave his parabatai alone in New York with all his heartbreak.
A toned down version of events would have been better. Alec still being Head of the Insitute, fighting tooth and nail against the Clave to implement Downworlder Involvement on more levels. Magnus being the High Warlock of Brookyln (because obviously Lorenzo got sacked for misconduct, come on). Simon and Jace growing closer over the shared devastating loss of Clary. Izzy slaying demons like a Queen. Underhill being single.
We could have had it all.
“You know, I pray every day, every day to the angels that they will see that our love is stronger than their spite.”
Lol Jace I'm not sure that's the way to phrase a prayer you want heard.
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Okay, I'm gonna need several explanations here, ranked by importance:
1) WHY THAT HAIRCUT WTF
2) How exactly did Clary go from “complete memory loss, homeless, no money, no family, no friends, no nothing, literally just the clothes on her back” to “well-adjusted human being attending school, being super successful with her art, having an appartment and an astounding lack of depression” in a year?
????? ???????? ???????????????
???????
3) I really don't know a lot about either fashion or art, but both differ greatly from what we've seen from Clary so far. Neither her clothes match what she used to wear, nor her art style. She never drew abstract things. It was always portraits of people, or very detailed and realistic looking buildings / demons / sigils. So this doesn't really make sense either. I don't think they intended this to be the opening of a profound philosophical discussion on how much of your personality is laid down in your DNA and how much is just environment and experiences shaping you, so I really REALLY wonder why the f they did that, instead of having Clary draw Shadow World related stuff like before, when Magnus had her memories locked away.
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Love the throwback. Also love Jace's reaction of running away, it's so relatable in this situation of utter emotional overload.
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Okay, the end. I'm trying my best to end this on a slightly positive note okay, because otherwise I'll just make myself sad. First off, I HATE open endings with a passion, so this left me enraged. Second off, I can't believe the Clace Shippers were left with this as the last scene of their OTP. I kind of get it from a meta stance, they wanted there to be a point of contact for a possible pick-up, but still. They didn't even kiss. They didn't even have clarity what exactly Clary remembers. I hate it! Third off, how ridiculous is it that after a year Clary randomly remembers? Uhh? Why does the angel's punishment suddenly not work anymore? “Because love conquers all” etc. Uh-huh. Then why did it take a frakkin year? Huh, Jace?! If this had been the first time Clary and Jace see each other again, fine, I would have bought it. But “random” is such an unsatisfying explanation. Just, don't. So if you'll excuse me, I'll happily pretend none of this happened. Or it happened one month later, not a year wtf. Or I'll just follow through on my rewrite and rectify all the things I didn't like about these last two episodes.
And now that all the rage is out of the way, the good things. I loved both of Clary and Jace's acting in this scene (which lolllll I specifically point out because mostly in their couple scenes one of them fails XD). The careful way Clary touches Jace's rune and the way he almost flinches back, too raw for it, but also his vulnerable helpless smile, and how Clary smiles back. I also really liked the song. And the final shot, of the camera pulling away and into the nightsky, that was nice. It felt like an ending, so at least that gave me some closure.
I love this show. Even with all its infuriating plot holes and ooc-ness. It means a lot to me. It has inspired me to write fic like no other fandom. I plan to stick around for a long time to come, with both fics and tumblr posts. I'll rewatch episodes, obsess over details and grumble about shit I disliked because that's just what I do. It's how I show my appreciation. I guess what I'm trying to say is
Thank you
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ithisatanytime · 3 years
Text
  I dont think fibromayalgia and lime disease and the like are real diseases, but i dont judge the people who experience the symtoms of these fake diseases. what they are experiencing is misery, the physical manifestations of despair, they dont realize they were born into a culture designed to make them feel like shit so they stop reproducing. despair has many physical manifestaitons, aches and pains, exhaustion, i dont think most people expect that, but they look at their lives, and think that their lives are RELATIVELY fine, and they are relative to their concurrent peers, but relative to all their peers who have ever lived? their lives are pure hell and they dont even realize it.
    Women did not evolve to compete with men in mens fields against men who evolved for hundreds of thousands of years to compete physically with their bodies and mentally with their minds. there is some competition between women, but its incredible relaxed in comparison and there is genetic proof of this, almost all women who ever lived reproduced, only half of men reproduced, sometimes considerably less. for most of evolutionary history women would at least place! first second or third, they get a medal, not so for men, most of them ddint even place, never reproducing. the very hormones that make us men and women have profound behavioral effects on us, for men testosterone makes us COMPETITIVE not to mention physically capable of competing, i experienced this first hand when i took test exogenously and my competitive drive skyrocketed. estrogen makes women more able to deal with and aliviate the tensions caused by this constant background competition, it also makes them more patient, more nurturing, etc. all traits that help with child care. not to mention those sweet ass baby food factories they have on their chests. this denial of what is painfully obvious, that men and women have different natures, has created a hell world for women and men alike. and the ones who proposed it, the ones who created the hysterical emotional propaganda to support it, were VERY aware of these innate differences, they didnt ignore them, they wanted us to ingore them, it was a deliberate act of sabatoge so they could out compete us, i think by now you know who i am referring too.
  Maybe one in one hundred women might actually become satisfied by climbing the corporate ladder or achieving lofty career goals, and even then thats a big maybe. to pretend this is not the case is to ignore hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary history. to pretend that some sizable chunk of women would have always preferred to work some shitty retail job while attending college for a career she will never pursue is to spit directly in darwins face, this is basic fucking evolutionary psych. there is no real intellectual defense for how we currently push women into the workforce instead of into their natural role as mothers, its all emotional propaganda based on lies and ignoring base biological drives and over ten thousand years of human history, its stupid, it makes no sense, and its a big part of why your fucking chest hurts. the drive in both men and women to reproduce has been evolving for literally 3 billion years. no one can comprehend how long that is, no one, not even me, what is the difference in your mind between 3 million and 3 billion? some meaningless zeros just like in my own mind, we cant visualize numbers effectively past a certain point, but the point is what im saying is true, or literally nothing else we know about biology is true. you feel like you dont want to have kids for the same reason i do, we were raised in environments where we were propagandized so effectively as to counteract the second strongest biological drive, the strongest being “whatever you do, dont die” and even  THAT biological drive is being over taken by the fucked up environment we are in and suicides are skyrocketing. this is real, i know that its true, it will get worse, but we could fix it.
  Im not saying drop out of college, quit your job, and have babies though honestly it would probably make 99 percent of you way fucking happier even though it doesnt seem that way. what im saying is the fact that basically no one wants kids now should be the number one story every night on the news until it was solved, because its a big fucking deal. the fact that its hardly ever talked about, is more evidence that the news is complicit in propagandizing people against having children. propagandizing women that though they gravitated towards baby dolls naturally as toddlers and children, what they really wanted to do was become an engineer! this is absurdity, and the people creating this propaganda hate you. luckily there are way less of them than us.
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msawesomeworld · 6 years
Text
What happens in summer stays in summer, Chapter 13
A/N: Look at me! Only taking 6 months instead of a year to update... YAY!
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Read or re-read the previous chapters here.
Danielle’s P.O.V.
After he left, I was stunned and stood there for a few seconds trying to comprehend what had just happened.
If this was normal circumstances, I would never have gone for a guy like him. We probably would never have met. We come from different worlds I guess. I was not even sure that I liked him. Yet I could feel myself walking to the door he had left through, looking for him. When I saw he was long gone. I walked around trying to find him. After a little while I concluded that he had gone into the woods, and if you go there, you do not want to be disturbed. I went to the food court and got some breakfast. As I finished eating a group of girls came in talking about how Harry had bruised knuckles earlier.
I got up and was both worried and a little mad at him. Because what the hell had he done to get all bruised up? Was it because of me?
I walked towards his room and saw him in the hallway. We made eye-contact, and I could feel my breath catch for a moment there. He looked hurt and shook his head at me. Before walking into his room and closed the door. I hated this feeling of confusion, and a little rejection. But I decided to try and respect his privacy and give him the space he needed. Even if it was him who kissed me. I spent the day doing my normal things, and preparing how to get rid of my sister.
To the untrained eye, I might have been unnecessarily cruel to her. But that was only to the untrained eye. I hated my sister with good reason. She was 8 years older than me. Because of this age gap we had never been too close. What 14 year old wants to hang out with a toddler? I hated her because she was a little miss perfect. It was always, Gabby has done this, Gabby won this. She had the perfect life in my parent's eyes. Had a Harvard education, a perfect job in dad’s company. She was the perfect wife, to her husband Peter, whom everyone also adored. He was a businessman too. I hated him even more than her because he had once been hitting on me at a family party. I told my sister, who accused me of lying. And so the gap between us grew deeper. Yet I still had to listen to how I should behave more like Gabby. Besides the fact that I wanted to be a gymnast, and if that did not work out. I did not just wanna go work for my dad, being on the board and stuff. I wanted to work in marketing, I liked creating content like that. Had actually been an adequate web designer, with what we learned in computer class. 
But was that as good as Gabby’s business degree? No way in hell.
Now she was here, to force me to spend my summer with her and the monster.
I needed a way to convince her into letting me stay. I talked a little to Anna about it, she just said she would help out however she could. I did not linger too long on that subject. Not really wanting to tell my entire life story right away.
I also spent the day being ignored by Harry, who was performing his normal job. And gave some lame excuse about boxing practice gone wrong, with his wrists. No one questioned it. The other girls just fawned over how hot it was that he boxed. I tried to talk to him, throughout the activity, but he either ignored me and if it was really important answered in the shortest way possible.
After we finished that day, I waited for the other girls to clear away. Which took a while, because they all volunteered to help clean up, to hang out more with Harry. I had to help out too. When we were done, he must have seen it coming that I would stick around, so he started walking away. But I was not giving up, and followed after him, saying his name to get his attention. I was getting bored with this act. I finally got so sick of it, I ran in front of him, put my hands on his shoulders and stopped him. He looked at me a little angry. When he felt that I was not moving or letting him move. He looked around seeing a few other people from camp. And looked me dead in the eye.
“Not here.” He mouthed and motioned towards the lake where there were no people.
We walked to a secluded area, intense silence. When we got there I turned to glare at him.
“What the hell? You kiss me, and then don't talk to me all day. What the hell Harry?” I said frustrated with him.
“Can you blame me? I was expecting you to have left by now.” He said also angry.
“What? Is that what this is about? I am not leaving. My bitch of an older sister called my dad and now she wants me to. But I was not gonna leave, I called my dad and told him that.” I said a little more calmed down.
I could see the look in his eyes go a little softer. He still looked troubled by something but relieved that I was staying.
“Good. I thought I had lost you for a second there.” He said and smiled a little.
“It is gonna take more than that to get rid of me. Your vanishing act, however, was not helping. Besides what really happened to your wrists? And don't give me that boxing bullshit. Because there are no punching backs in our gym here.” I said, getting a little worked up again. This was fueled more in worry than anger though.
“It doesn’t matter.” He said and I got a little angry too now.
“Bullshit it doesn't matter. Did you beat up someone because of me? Because I was leaving or because we kissed?”
“Yes, it was because of you. I needed to get something off my chest.” He said and I furrowed my eyebrows. That was not the kind of person I thought he was.
“So you beat up someone because we kissed? What was so bad about that?” I yelled and he sighed.
“Look I didn't beat someone up, I beat up a tree.” He yelled, which calmed me down a little, to know that he had not hurt anyone, because of me.
“And I did that, because of this, cant ever happen again. It was stupid the first time. And I hate myself for doing it.” He said frustrated.
That stung. I could feel myself getting a little upset. Was I that bad? Was it his way of making me stay. Making the rich kid squirm, as he had put it earlier.
“Well, the trees are safe now. I wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over something as stupid as a kiss with me. You're lucky I am only staying because I still hate my sister and mom, more than I hate you right now.” I said upset, but not wanting to show it too much.
Without giving him time to say another word, I walked away from him. I felt betrayed and played, who the hell kisses someone, then ignore them, then tell them how big a mistake it was? Who the hell play with someone else's feelings like that?
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