#and the autism gods decided i was going to be able to articulate my thoughts 2night so you get. this

[sign-from-god-complex]

self indulgent for you!! anything you wanna drabble about! -autism goblin

I’m sorry this took a while!! I started writing one but then decided I wanted to make it into a Whole Fic, but I still wanted to give you a drabble so I had to write another one!

Summary: Just a lil logince soulmate AU!!

Tag list: @mutechild @super-magical-wizard (I know this only a drabble, but I wasn’t sure of the etiquette for this so I thought I’d tag you anyway!)

“By the screams of snipped snakes at a gorgon salon, why would I endeavour to do that?”

Logan had been in the process of collecting something from the theatre department—Virgil’s drink bottle, which he’d left behind when he was painting sets earlier that day—but at the sound of those words, he froze. He could feel the phrase on his forearm burning slightly and he knew with unparalleled certainty that he hadn’t misheard.

Behind this door, doing what sounded like improv in the theatre classrooms, was his soulmate.

His soulmate, who had provided the most ridiculous soul phrase Logan had ever personally encountered. Really? “Snipped snakes at a gorgon salon”? No one genuinely spoke like that, did they?

Logan didn’t hesitate as he pushed open the door. He looked towards the stage area at the front of the classroom and was greeted by three people stopping mid-sentence to stare at him. The first a young black girl in a short flowery dress; the second a boy in a polo similar to Logan’s own, with a cardigan tied around his shoulders. And the third.

The third was his soulmate, he was sure of it.

Logan’s eyes travelled up to see the last remaining member of the room located on top of a chair. The boy had red hair, big eyes and a smattering of freckles that Logan could see even from the other end of the room. His eyebrows were raised and his hip was cocked and for reasons beyond Logan’s comprehension, his entire body appeared to be dusted in a light coating of glitter. He looked ridiculous, and Logan was immediately smitten.

Look, he never claimed to have good taste in boys.

“Can we help you with something?” the redhead asked, and Logan recognised the voice as the same one that had said his soul phrase. Thank god.

You were advised not to think about the first words you say to your soulmate if you had the opportunity, something about making the reaction less authentic. Logan didn’t necessarily believe that—just because you considered something for more than a second didn’t make it inauthentic. However, Logan felt as if his brain had shut off entirely, so he wasn’t able to think that much about it regardless.

He opened his mouth and out tumbled the words, “You are exactly as extra as I had thought you would be.”

The boy’s cheeks immediately blushed a bright red as he jumped off the chair he was standing on and rushed down the classroom towards Logan. He was slightly worried that his soulmate was going to tackle him—or worse, kiss him—but instead, the boy stopped just short, panting and eyes bright as he thrust out his hand.

“Roman.”

Roman’s smile was gorgeous and Logan found himself blushing too, despite his hopes that he may get out of this interaction without melting into a puddle of gay mush. Logan knew he was articulate and intelligent, but cute boys always seemed to undo that somehow. It was extremely frustrating.

He gripped Roman’s hand and returned his handshake.

“Logan.”

And thus began the rest of their lives.

Bonus:

“Of course, I would meet my soulmate during the week my friend decided to dump glitter on me.”

“Week?”

“Do you know how difficult it is to get rid of glitter, Logan? That stuff gets everywhere! You better believe I meant week.”

#is this a good drabble length??? I'm never sure #also I hope this is okay autism goblin!! #lo can write #ask lo #do both apply here? #idk it's my tagging system so I guess I can do what I want hahah #autism goblin #Anonymous

[ameatmachine]

“I”

For as long as I can recall I suspected I was autistic, a far away possibility that would explain all of the odd sensitivities in my young life. In high school, I made a friend with a kid with Aspergers, or maybe he made that with me I don’t know, but there was something comforting in the way we interacted. The pace of our conversation, the content, the feeling was different than everyone else. Something worked there that didn’t work with the other kids. So the question would pop up every now and then, only to be pushed away. Surely not. I’m far too well adjusted. We are still friends and I am so glad we are because I immediately had someone to go talk to when I was seeking a diagnosis.  

The implications that are only now beginning to dawn on me are far too complex to enumerate right here and now. No, what this is for is to set a precedent for the future. Make a statement. Mark a moment. Celebrate a milestone. All things I am very, very bad at.

A few weeks ago, that friend and I went to a local meetup group for those with ASD. While my friend drove there early, I took a tram and a bus to get to a little cafe some ways out of Melbourne. I got off a few stops early to enjoy a short walk, and as the sign for the cafe came into view I suddenly became so nervous. I was breathing quite heavily and my stomach was doing backflips. This was all very confusing.

Up until now I had done so well entering new situations, the scripts were so well rehearsed, my body language so practiced and confident. So why was this so scary? Here I was after years of pondering, finally admitting to who I thought I really was and put it on full display for a group of complete strangers.

I was absolutely terrified. Terrified of myself. Who I might actually be.

Bracing for the noise of the outside world, I removed my headphones and approached the cafe. My friend already seated was the only thing motivating me to stay. Never has an event been so great, so thrilling and life changing, that I can distinctly recall it. Life is a big blur. I cannot even remember the date or the details of when I first had sex, which I’m led to believe is meant to be pretty memorable. This one feels extra important though.

I took a seat, my friend, and one other guy. A stranger. Usually with strangers I have my game face and rules of engagement ready to go. But no, I told myself, not today. My friend introduced us, and to an outsider what ensued would have been a clumsy, awkward exchange. For me though it was the first in many moments that day that proved a lifetime of guilt utterly wrong. As we spoke, we avoided each other’s gaze, eventually not even looking at one another as we spoke.  

My god. He’s just like me. I’m not the only one.

I was positively energised by this conversation, which is entirely unheard of in my full history of ever making conversation with anyone. Talk is cheap, and very taxing.

Before I knew it, I was meeting people and having entire conversations not once looking at anyone’s face. The talk was simple, lacking sub texts, and primarily informational. Absolute heaven. No shaking of hands. No faking facial expressions to indicate responsiveness. No confusing tone of voice. No hidden meanings or implicit suggestions. Just straight chat.

On the train home I was absolutely buzzing with energy (later on crashing, and feeling exhausted for the rest of the week at work). I felt amazing because for the first time I had actually enjoyed spending time with, and getting to know, complete strangers. This is what having a real human conversation must feel like!

That day was empowering, and inspiring. 26 years of thinking that feeling like a lonely star in a black sky was the norm. An entire life feeling like an alien, accidentally adopted by a (very wonderful) family and raised on human culture. A life lacking intuition, suddenly it something clicked, and I am no longer alone.  

I have learned that I have agency, that I exist for myself and not others. I am thinking hard every day, ruminating on every memory to make peace with every time I was made to feel guilt or shame. It feels like it will take another lifetime to fully forgive myself.

Up until now I have become very, very good at being quiet - invisible - in an attempt to avoid attention, their burning gaze. Do I want to keep that up? Hope that nobody notices me? A life of fear that I might be found out to be the fraud I am, if I say something slightly wrong or worse, the truth slips out?

No, I don't.

Every autistic person I have met so far, every one who has spoken publicly, and every one that has written about their experience has been such a huge inspiration and I am quickly learning just how little neurodiversity is understood. Only until I began listening to these people did I realise that my idea of autism & neurodiversity was extremely narrow. So how the hell was I meant to understand myself? I am lucky to have arrived at this conclusion, and there will be so many others who are not so lucky.

There has been books and videos and articles by a huge array of autistic people that have also made a huge impact of how I understand autism as a diagnosis, and as myself. I would like to spend more time in the future sharing these, and thanking the authors individually, because they have been a huge motivation in deciding to make this a distinct part of my newfound identity.

So my choice has been made, to mark the start of a life that actually makes sense. I still don’t know how to talk about it face to face. I don’t know if I will ever be comfortable stimming in public, when I still feel shame doing it alone. I don’t know if I have the confidence to stand up for my right to not make eye contact. I don’t know if I should be masking, how much, and why. I don’t know how, or even if, I will manage another long term relationship. I don’t know how to politely communicate my distaste for people touching me without my permission. I don’t know how I will be able to keep seeing my friends at bars that are just way too loud.

I do want to keep writing, talking, sharing. I want to make sense of a life lived wrongly blaming myself. I want to be seen and heard. I want to articulate what I find hard and what I find beautiful about being autistic. I want help from others, and to help others. I want to meet new people and make new friends. I want to be a part of a community, and a part of the world. I want to be the most honest version of me. I want to stop hiding in fear.

As one friend put it, this is my coming out. I am autistic and I am not alone anymore.

#actuallyautistic #neurodiversity