#and thats internalised fatphobia for you

[johannestevans]

there's a complicated dynamic of like. thinking about institutional misogyny and societal hatred of women that disenfranchises them

but how the cultural devotion to the nuclear family and the institution of hetero marriage enfranchises certain kinds of spousal abuses

and obviously there's shit like, hitting your spouse, raping your spouse, and i think the basics of like... shouting and screaming, financial abuses, etc

these all being the more typical abuses of women by men

listening to a maintenance phase episode by a straight woman about how she stalked and manipulated her husband, gaslit him, full on carried on a conspiracy w his family members, coworkers, DOCTOR etc

to "help him lose weight"

and obviously this is fatphobia and institutionalised anti-fat bias, but like

im just thinking about how this abuse is enfranchised BECAUSE she's the woman - she controls the kitchen, the cooking, picks where they go out to eat, all these being her domain, and he's the man

its frustrating bc its just like. the labour divide is so real. in M/F dynamics women do so much of the domestic labour like ALL of it, including cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc

but there's stigma like? against men doing those things

and part of it is internalised misogyny, part of it is policing especially by other men for fears that active men in their domestic sphere will weaken the status quo and make other women "expect" their men to do domestic labour, god forbid (!)

but ugh smth about. this kind of interpersonal abuse and the way it's slotted into the cracks of expectation in established societal roles, and how abusers exploit existing power dynamics - and also how people FORGIVE abuse bx of their assumption of those dynamics

like there was that insane guy a while ago that refused to eat vegetables, so his girlfriend secretly blended them to forcefeed them to him without him knowing

and like. yes its fucked up thst she cooked all the meals and he didnt, obvs thats an unfair division of labour

but it really freaked me out that everyone was like. "oh well if she's cooking the meals, it's her right to lie to and gaslight her boyfriend about everything they eat, bc its For His Health" and i just. the way ppl talked about it terrified me, bc its a question of autonomy

if you have to lie or keep secret from someone you're feeding what is in the food, or otherwise they won't eat it, like... so you know they won't eat it? your control over what they eat is more important than their informed consent?

idk. i think maybe i have just traumas in this specific area that make me super sensitive to it, but also, its so fucked up that so much of this is accepted bc like

manipulation and lies within a marriage are held up in society as the BASIC expectation

#musings

[eroticcannibal]

Ok thoughts on how eating disorders are defined.

Having to be below a certain bmi to get the diagnosis that matches behaviour bad, but the idea that weight should influence how the disorder is diagnosed? Idk I think that might be right. Cus I hear fat ppl talking about, say, their experiences with anorexia and suprise, can't relate.

Which is important cus I think the diagnosis being largely off behaviour is an issue when u then go for treatment and its like right. Here is how we have decided u feel based off ur behaviour. And thats what we're gonna treat.

Like that sure as shit didn't work for me, someone who was always skinny and was actually dealing with dysphoria, not dysmorphia. I was not seeing myself incorrectly. I did not think I was fat. I thought I had tits (which was true!) Therefore treatment aimed at the "oh no im skinny but I think im fat" just does nothing. And I imagine "stop thinking you are fat" treatment is also probably not very ineffective if you are objectively fat.

Idk scrap the whole thing and start again. Let's have internalised fatphobia disorder, I have a distorted view of my body disorder, I have dysphoria disorder, I need something to control disorder, etc etc and they can have the different presentations like "dont eat" and "binge and purge" and "eat only kale and do too much jogging". I think focusing on the problem wrt mental health support and treatment would be more effective, with the behaviours bit being more about like. What maintenance support do u need to not die while ur sorting ur shit out.

#word of god #eating disorders tw

[iloveyouphillipmorris]

CW/ abuse/ed/colourism/ all that fun stuff

re: tags of last post like .

when i was a teenager i had a very rigorously curated aesthetic & existence . which is partially the influence of growing up on the internet during the advent of the influencer era but also very much bred from the internalised colourism & fatphobia i experienced ages 10-15 for the colourism thing & literally up til like 19 for the latter. + eating disorders & gender dysphoria & a lot of abuse. like growing up my parents surrounded me w/ rail thin paler than the driven snow white men who walked the androgynous line to a T & so i was ashamed of having a darker skin tone (& im like p light skinned naturally anyways but it bothered me when i was in elementary school) like. i heard stories of my dad having used to use medicinal products to essentially burn his skin tone to be paler & there was that rly prevalent rumour that michael jackson had bleached his skin & that’s why he was pale now. so i had tried to use bleach for like cloth on my hands by just kinda pouring it on it but got scared & washed it off. it didn’t do anything but i never took off my hoodie bcoz 1. i didn’t want people to see my body & therefore continue to bully me for being “”fat”” & 2. i didn’t want to tan under absolutely any circumstances whatsoever in case i looked darker

by high school i was over the colourism thing but still felt hopeless in many ways. when i was a kid my dad had a thing of not letting me get second servings of food unless i “wanted to a pig like your mom” so . i just had this horrible eating disorder & an unlimited amount of access to alcohol, xanax, & valium. so i was a drug addicted, anorexic, deeply traumatised teenager who curated this aesthetic around myself of the tightest jeans you have EVER seen & long oversized button ups ala the horrors or nikki sudden or whatever & like. i carried myself in a weird cross between pete do.herty & EBR??? i wrote a lot i drew a lot all my friends saw my lack of attendance in school, nonchalant apathy towards grades, excelling in specific areas etc etc as like. cool, i think. like. i was never present @ lunch cuz my anxiety/autism couldn’t handle the noise etc, But I Like. i wasn’t . skipping lunch. i was hiding in the library cuz i was so mentally unwell i was in the 410 program or whatever it was called but i never told anyone that. i just pretended my absence was natural to me, like ‘why Would i be there?’ y’know . i made all my actions seem deliberate & as perks to the way i lived my highly aestheticised life all the while they were often symptoms of handicaps i had due to continual abuse & a horrible mental health issue.

and THATS what i think people fell in love with. i think people fell in love w/ my ability to brush off shortcomings as positives & Cool, Actually. i was & still kinda am very nonchalant about things. people who “fell in love with me” or whatever had habits of wanting approval, or idk smth & so they’d feed my addictions (probably never realising they were addictions cuz we were all kids) & like, sorta copy the way i dressed or what i listened to & it was like soooo important 2 me as a teenager but liek. y’know i’m 21 now it’s fine i don’t care mimicry is how humans learn & adapt & become themselves i don’t care . like . anyway but i felt…. soooo powerless against my own image. like i could NOT say no i was always so bad at saying no i would have people over bcoz they always said they “needed lu time” & i’d sit in the corner of the room w/ the bottle of wine they got me, hugging it & drinking w/ my back to the window & curled to the record shelf while theybsat across from me just. emotionally outpouring everything onto me & i’d kinda diagnose them w/ a song bcoz i didn’t know … how to help . i just felt if i answered my own problems w/ music, others probably needed that music Also.

being treated my age by loke rah.bek in around 2016 or so was Shocking to me. like i was amazed. he did everything he could to make sure i was safe amongst adults, he asked me my age & understood i was 15 & didn’t have the power to like protect myself against these dudes so he kept me between him & hannes after some dudes were creepy /+ rude to me. it totally changed the way i saw myself. i was still sick for years after n don’t consider myself to be healed yet but im a lot different.

iv only confessed feelings for maybe max 5 people & it never worked out ever or i didn’t act on it. i met munna in the in-between of the PI/experimental lucien era & whatever i did after that & they’re the only person i trust with my entire whole heart (other than my brother) & i have told them i love them & have feelings for them. i’m not good @ distinguishing romantic & platonic love but i know if they were here, we’d be inseparable & id lie my head on their lap while they played sonic & i’d doodle felix & sonic as best buddies while we lounged around. but alas god is evil & munna lives in bham, uk so. but munna has Always like, always always always been so respectful, loving, supportive, & just accepting of me. i can be honest w them & im comfy w them & i Don’t think they like the “idea” of lucien. i think they just like lucien. & i just like munna. no ideas or mirages. not to mention they’re one of the very few people who have ever actively tried to get me to get help. arguably i would have never gotten diagnosed with fibro/RA if munna hadn’t encouraged me to Please go to a doctor cuz i like. just do not do that. i don’t go to doctor or get help ever cuz i don’t wanna bother anyone so like . i mean it’s almost killed me a few times or put me in real harm . but i did get help largely so i could be better for munna. munna is like my daily micro dosing of LR. aka good person.

#tally ho ! #sorry for the rant

[sunflower-rat]

Prefacing this with internalised fatphobia? I don't know. Tell me if I should tag this with something.

When I was a kid I played an online game - where you could customize your characters appearances. It was a game similar to like, club penguin. I really decked out my character - paid skins, cosmetics - I was, in the game standards - beautiful.

And I had so many friends there, which - for an autistic kiddo who struggled so hard with making social relationships - was so wonderful. And I had a best friend in that game I spoke to often, and I decided one day I wanted to confide with her my deepest darkest secret.

I told her 'Im not actually pretty in real life'.

I thought it was some terrible thing, something that would make her feel betrayed- or something - because I was so pretty in the game - how dare I be beautiful when I was so ugly and fat.

I wish I could say she said something wonderful to me, or that she reassured she didn't think I was ugly.

But her response was 'thats a secret? I already knew that.'

We had shared facebooks before that point. Of course she knew my real face and I knew hers. I think it destroyed me in a way I didn't know back then.

I was like 8 then. I avoided and hated looking into mirrors until I was 20 years old. I'm an artist - and every time I made an attractive looking character that was meant to be a version of me, I just felt like I was lying again. Like my real appearance was some dark, horrible secret I needed to keep.

It was the flood of artwork and photography that I've seen recently that made me start looking at my own body and realise I had never been ugly.

Seeing all these beautiful, big, full bodies - of big tummies and chubby faces.

Fuck it made me cry. Like- they were so fucking beautiful.

How did I spend my entire life looking at my own belly with so much hatred when it looked so beautiful?

Please keep drawing people with bodies that aren't perfect, skinny and white. You don't have to - but those that do or want to try, please keep doing it.

Please, please please show someone out there that their body isn't ugly, it's not terrible, it's not a secret you have to hide.

It's beautiful. Fuck. You deserve to feel beautiful. You deserve to look into a mirror and not hate yourself. You deserve to look into a mirror and see something wonderful.

#text post #ramble

[elbysroom]

Selfie post? Selfie post.

The vibes im going for are : im your cool older sister coming to pick you and your friends up in my car and half of them have a crush on me (i hope)

(With titties this size it's hard to go for anything else than mommy vibes - quite ironic for someone whose worst nightmare is becoming a mother)(no im not.ok im blaming exam stress)

(I have a lot of other thoughts and im just going to put them in the tags)

#selfie post #sry im going to talk about ed and body image stuff #thing is i gained almost 30 gd kgs over 4 yrs #and at the same time i really.started to read about the body positivity mvt but it seems that the 2 cant fck reconcile in my brain #my own image still feels so foreign to me #hence the selfies to try to get better at it but like it's so so hard to have your image change so quickly #like who the fuck am i #also i barely took pictures of me during this period because it physically hurt to look at them #body image #and its so terrible to not being able to think ok maybe im cute today wo an overwhelming voice in my head going that im just delusionnal #and thats internalised fatphobia for you

[taejimin]

I hope this doesn’t come off as rude or invasive but I’ve seen u talk about being a chubby lesbian and I’m also a fat lesbian and I’ve never dated or been with anyone. (I think a lot of this is just my own internalised fatphobia) but have u dated or would u have any advice for a fat lesbian? I don’t know how to ‘get out there’ bc im too scared to talk to anyone I feel I don’t deserve it

umm yeah well first of all ur fine dw, fat is just another descriptor for me like gay or a girl so i take no offense. but tbh if ur talking about like approaching women? like starting conversations to lead to dating situations, id say the best thing is to have confidence. and its rly difficult i know and sounds stupid when u might have ur own internalized issues, but honestly even if u arent rly confident and dont believe it urself, just ACTING like ur any other gorgeous lesbian in the room is rly what it takes. i mean obviously rejection is scary (for anyone but its like a million times worse when ur fat) but if u have that air of confidence it makes things easier. and u dont need to approach every situation like ur asking a girl out, if ur out at ur local gay club and find a girl hot just approach her and start talking. like just compliment her outfit or start a convo and be friendly u know. just go about it like a skinny person would basically. like we like to put ourselves into our own categories separate from skinny girls but tbh??? we’re fuckin hot too we shouldnt have to do that lmao. and we can approach girls and flirt and stuff too like! so thats my advice for in person approaches. 

for non in person id rec dating apps, if you wanna try tinder or her (bc it works pretty easily like. it wont involve u having to be rejected after talking to someone. if someones a match its bc they saw ur pics and thought u were gorgeous so u dont need to be worried about the ‘but im fat what if they think im hideous’ aspect) or even just talking to people on here. both of my previous gfs i met on here so like. it works lmao.

oh and to address other parts of ur ask, yes ive dated and also you abso fucking lutely deserve it. and thinking otherwise is absolutely ur own internalized issues (which hey bitch weve all been there) but u absolutely do pls remember that. 

#also i dont know if this is related #but for myself personally with the idea of dating #i always felt more comfortable like.....going after girls who were close to my size? #idk if it makes sense but its kinda like....girls who are fat too 'get it' u know? #and understand any issues u may have #not that skinny girls wouldnt #but it sometimes makes me more comfortable when flirting or like #going into stuff or approaching girls or what have u #i hoped this helped! #message me some more if u have anything else u wanna know or wanna talk about <3333 #Anonymous #ask and you shall receive