#and that's a horrifying thing to realize!!! what the fuck!!!!

[rifualk]

On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. There are two reasons for this. One is that I'm very homesick. The other is that I found - and subsequently lost - my twin. But I only want to talk about the first reason right now - I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

I kept my last promise to you - there are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face.

#mental health posting #is there a better tag for that

[queenuchiha89]

*** NSFW ***

*** TW. DARK CONTENT ***

*** 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT! ***

⚠️ WARNING ⚠️

This story contains but is not limited to: incest between siblings, pregnancy, voyeurism, masturbation, and other content that may not be suitable for some audiences. Viewer discretion is STRONGLY advised!

Part 5...

Sasuke had noticed his sister's bodily changes, and it made him question how far things between his older siblings had actually gone. Y/N's already naturally full and perky tits had grown larger, and her belly was starting to get a bit round. They say she looked at Itachi lately had definitely been different. Sasuke noticed her giving Itachi certain looks when no one else was looking, and even caught them getting close in the kitchen while their parents were gone. When he walked in, his siblings quickly jumped away from one another. "Could it be that she's... Liking this now??" Sasuke thought to himself. He decided it was time he do a little investigating of his own.

Sasuke waited until he knew he would have the house to himself, and snuck into Y/N's room. He looked around, but this time, not for his usual panties to thieve and jerk off into. Sasuke looked through her drawers, and her closet but found nothing that seemed too out of the ordinary. As he went to close her closet door, he couldn't help but notice a pair of his sister's panties, still wet from her and Itachi's little encounter this morning. He groaned, as he felt his cock start to grow in his pants. He took them, and quickly shoved them in his pocket, before leaving her room.

Sasuke looked around before entering his brother's room. "There's got to be something. Something that would prove or disprove how far this has gone. Mom and dad should know if-" Sasuke stopped his thought before he finished it. She couldn't be pregnant, could she?? As Sasuke searched through itachi's things, careful to not leave anything out of place, he didn't find anything questionable, so he turned his attention to his older brother's closet. Sasuke knew he had a few boxes up on the shelf inside, and maybe he would find something there. As he went to go take down one of the boxes, his fingers tapped against something, making it fall to the floor by his feet. He looked down curiously, wondering what it was. As he picked it up he realized what it was. "A.... Pregnancy test??" Sasuke whispered to himself, almost horrified. He quickly put everything back where is was, and left itachi's room running into his. "th-this... Can't be real! Y/N can't be pregnant with our own brother's baby?!" He said to himself toiling with what all this would cause. However, as his mind was wandering, his cock was rock solid inside his pants, and the strain against his zipper was uncomfortable.

Sasuke groaned in disgust at his own reaction to something so awful, but he had no choice. He reached down, freeing his cock from his pants, and the panties he stole from his sister's room from his pocket. "Fuck..." He whined, and he wrapped his sister's cum soaked panties around his cock, full well knowing it wasn't just her cum in them. The silky fabric mixed with the slick moisture left behind from his siblings felt divine on his cock, and it took everything in his power not to cum all over himself with just a few strokes. He couldn't stop imagining how hot Y/N sounded while Itachi was fucking her, and now knowing she was pregnant, it only make him want it more. With his back against the wall, Sasuke stroked his aching cock with his sister's panties, precum mixing in with his sibling's cu. He teased the head of his cock with the fabric, biting his lip as his cock began to twitch. "Mmmmm fuuuuck!" He moaned, his breath ragged as he came into his sister's wet panties.

Sasuke looked down at himself, his hand still firmly wrapped around his cock, the cum filled panties glistening in the light. He groaned and quickly cleaned himself before anyone might get home. Just as he zipped himself up, there was a knock at his bedroom door, making him jump. He cleared his throat and quickly went to see who it was. "I-itachi... What's up?" He asked trying to play it cool. "Sasuke, I need to talk to you about something important..." Itachi replied. Sasuke felt nervous but tried to hide it. "Sure. Give me a minute." He said pretending to look through school work on his desk to avoid eye contact. As Itachi went to close the door he caught a glimpse of panties under his desk, and smirked. "Oh and Sasuke?" Itachi said firmly. "Hm?" Sasuke replied still acting too busy to look his way. "You might want to put those back, before she finds out ..."

A.N: I really hope you enjoy! Hopefully there are not too many typeos, but I will fix it when I am able! Was just wanting to not leave your guys hanging for too long! I swear this needs to be it's own on going story. 😂

#itachi uchiha #itachi #uchiha itachi #itachi smut #tw. dark content #smut writing #tw dark thoughts #tw.noncon #itachi naruto #uchiha smut #sasuke smut #uchiha sasuke #sasuke uchiha #sasuke #uchiha x reader #uchiha itachi x reader #sasuke x reader #tw.nsfw #tw.incest

[moghedien]

honestly I'm just constantly obsessing over the Lae'zel romance scenes, but like I think I've finally decided which version of the duel (you winning or her) I prefer from just like a character standpoint.

because in the moment I went back and forth with both versions because I wasn't sure, but then ended up staying with the version where I win, and I think that's my preference now because it just feels like a subtler but more intense mind fuck to Lae'zel if you take everything that happened up into this point into account.

and do not get my wrong, i think the version where she wins is absolutely a mind fuck to her for many reasons, and I do love it. like her realizing that you aren't weak and she's like horrified at having hurt you and that very concept confusing her? amazing. we love her for it.

but if you win the duel, I feel like that forces her to recontextualize soo much more if you played the romance how I did at least. because basically any time she told me to submit, i did. I never tried to be the dominant one. I never even really teased her for being soft in certain circumstances or got snarky with her or got upset when she'd be like possessive and demeaning.

and I imagine that the githyanki sex rituals dictate that like the weaker one is submissive one and so obviously Lae'zel was the stronger one your relationship and if you did nothing to dissuade her of that fact then you obviously agree. there's no love or preference in it. There's just like desire and physical need and ability that decides who's doing what.

and I feel like this is backed up by the conversation when you can turn the one night stand into a two night stand, where she's like "you look weak and pathetic when you look at me. you look terrified." And also the fact that you can request that she stay and cuddle you afterward in that scene and she's like, baffled and upset by that suggestion. She calls it pointless grappling and a waste of muscles. like sex is combative to her. If you're not fighting for dominance or directly getting off in that moment, then what's the point? and if you embarrass her by suggesting she's never cuddled before, then she tries to get back at you by pointing out that she killed some kind of creature and you haven't. like do not get it twisted. dominance in sex is like expressly tied to actual strength and weakness outside of sex to her.

So if you win the duel? If you've been unquestioningly letting her dominant you in every sexual encounter and then only to turn around and fucking annihilate her in battle the first time you're actually going head to head, 1v1?

Imagine how much that must fuck with her perceptions what your relationship has been up until this point.

Because now its not even just her realizing that she has feelings for you that she doesn't know how to deal with. Oh no. She's realizing that every single time she's told you to submit and you did, its not because you couldn't dominate her. Its not because you were afraid of her or thought you were weaker than her. Its not because you couldn't flip things around on her. its not just that you were so lustful toward her that you submitted just to be able to have sex. It's because you specifically wanted to be the submissive one and you wanted her to do what she wanted with you.

You coulda kicked her ass at any time. And you never even tried. You never even hinted at it.

and god, the cuddling? You didn't want that just to distract or as some trick to exhaust her? You just wanted to cuddle? you wanted to be soft and hold each other just for the sake of it?

and the fact that its only after the duel that she asks you to be gentler with each other now and she says its the most terrifying thing she's ever done just kinda hammers that home for me. Because she realized it isn’t weakness that makes her (and you) want those things. It’s still scary to ask for though…

Like I'm just saying, if you've just unquestionably submitted to her and then you kick her ass, then she's not just grappling with the fact that she's having feelings. She's grappling with the fact that you've been having feelings this entire time and were much more aware of it than her, and that didn’t make you weak, so maybe it doesn’t make her weak either?

#lae'zel #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #lae’zel

[reimeichan]

The adults in my system have been struggling a lot recently and that makes me really sad :( I've been seeking out our partners for comfort and cuddles to help the adults feel better, I try to get us our favorite foods, and huddle under our blankets. Because these things help me and make me feel better! And I'm hoping it also helps them.

They've been dealing with a lot of our trauma memories that have been coming up, not anything new but things we're starting to finally process through. They seem scared that I'm gonna get hurt while they're processing. But... for me, those things were just my life. I was just living my life. I don't feel like this processing thing is hurting me any more because I know what I went through.

But I think for the adults, it's something different. Like they're realizing how fucked up the things we went through were. And the fact we were children when it happened. I don't know, they seem to have a different perspective and context and understanding from what I have and I don't know why things are so different between me and the adults of my system. Why do they need to process but for me it just feels like it was... I guess it was just my everyday life? How do they have these different perspectives of our childhood from me?

I don't know, I wish I understood what makes me a little and what makes them grown ups. Why I haven't grown up, even though I'm biologically 20+ years old and even have the memories and experiences to back it up, while the adults, who are missing way more of their memories, are the grown up ones. And why they feel so horrified by our past but I just nod along and say, yep that happened.

I dunno. I think I just wish we weren't so different from each other. I wish we were more integrated so that I can understand them as well as they understand each other.

#did #dissociative identity disorder #actually did #actuallydid #did osdd #osddid #cdd #did little #by azure #I'm not the same azure who posted before #but I'm a fusion of her and many other little parts who did not have a publically assigned color #so I'm going to be using her color as our tag

[certifiedl0verboy]

hurts just right

introducing mothbart who has quickly become my favorite monster. this was literally supposed to be a fuckin' microfic but tell me why it's over 3k. anyway, this is for @sixlane, who came up with this meetcute. thank u for spending time talking to me about mothbart. and thank u to @theapocryphaofantares for also entertaining this idea with me.

bartylily | mothman au | words: 3.5k

The first time that Barty saw her was when she hit him with her car.

It was the one night that he decided that maybe walking around would be better—he’d been flying around all day and he got lazy. Walking was less work than flying.

But see, Barty knew better than to just walk along the road or even near the road. He was a cryptid, for Christ’s sake, and the most well looked for, too. They even gave him a sick nickname—Mothman. Not the most original name, but humans love it and who was he to judge? People come to West Virginia all the time to try and spot him, but he was pretty good at keeping himself hidden. So imagine his surprise when he thought he could just cross the road to get to the other side of the forest without getting caught and then being slammed into by a car.

The impact made him roll over the hood, and Barty felt his soul leave his body. He truly thought at that moment that this was it, this was the end and he supposed he lived an alright life. He didn’t really get to do the things that he had hoped for—like maybe go around the country and explore a bit. Or maybe actually see if sasquatches were real.

Then he realized that he was fine, he was clearly being dramatic. It takes more than a fucking car to bring him down. But he was annoyed—because who the fuck drives without their lights on? Especially at night? And on a road with no streetlights? He wanted to give whoever a piece of his mind, maybe even try and traumatize them a little—teach them a lesson. As much as he wanted to, though, he knew he needed to get out of there before whoever this was saw more than they should’ve. Barty quickly got up from the wet pavement, groaning while standing up. He looked over his shoulder to make sure that his wings were fine, and when he extended them out a little, he let out a sigh of relief when there wasn’t any noticeable damage.

He felt his head, touching his antennas, and grumbled to himself when he felt that his left one was bent. He hated when that shit happened—not that he’s been hit by cars often. But his antennas were the most painful to try and put back into place when they’ve been bent. Inhaling a deep breath, he yanked his antenna and pulled it straight, flinching when there was a sharp pain that ran through his head.

He brought his attention over to the vehicle, and the hood of this ugly, old green piece of shit car was very much dented (served them right for being an absolute moron). He blinked a few times when the car lights suddenly turned on (a little too late for that), practically shining right into his eyes.

And when he was able to focus better, Barty could’ve sworn that his heart fell out of his chest when he laid eyes on her.

Sat there was a girl frozen in place with a horrified expression. Large, green eyes stared back at him, and he could tell that she was not only freaked out but also intrigued by what she saw. He watched as she slapped her hand over her mouth, clearly needing a moment to process what just happened before she was struggling to get her seatbelt off. He wanted to see more of her looks—get a real, nice close up of her and make sure that he’s not being fucked around with by some kind of deity. There was no way that someone as beautiful as her existed, but here he was, being proved wrong.

He had to get out of there before he decided to do something stupid—like casually introduce himself and maybe ask her to hit him again to see if he was hallucinating.

So he took off before she could get out of her car.

☾ ☾ ☾

Barty saw her the next morning.

After he bolted out of there, he perched himself on a tree a few miles away. He checked himself, making sure that there weren’t any major injuries other than a few scratches here and there. He was exhausted at this point, and who knew that getting hit by a car would take so much energy out of him. He made himself comfortable on the branch and allowed himself to fall asleep.

When he woke up, he figured he should at least go check out the area where he got hit. He’s not sure what compelled him to make him want to go back—it just felt like he was being pulled there, and it was a feeling that he hadn’t felt before. His wings weren’t sore anymore, so flying out there wasn’t too bad.

He landed on a tree that was closer to the road, where he had a clear view of everything. He could see that there was a car just parked in the middle of the road, and it wasn’t the one that hit him last night.

Two people were standing outside, looking around at the opposite side of the forest.

“—I swear to God, James, I know what I saw—”

“Lily, I’m sure it was a deer or something. It was late—”

“Deer can’t fly, James,” the girl snapped. When they both turned around, Barty recognized the girl right away.

And she looked fucking ethereal when she didn’t look scared out of her mind. The sun made her red hair glisten and it fell over her shoulders. Barty could see the scattered freckles covering her arms and face. She looked annoyed, and when Barty looked at the guy next to her, he could see why she was annoyed.

He looked like a douche canoe.

“Listen, it was dark outside, you forgot to turn on your lights while driving,” the guy—James—said. “I’m sorry that there’s damage to your car, I told you that you could borrow mine while you search for a new one.”

“I don’t care about my car,” the girl—Lily—said. “I just want to find what I hit.”

“I don’t think we’re going to find it,” James replied, sighing. He walked over to the driver's side of the car and opened the door. “Come on, Lily, let’s go.”

Barty watched as James shut the car door, and Lily just stood out there, staring into the woods as if Barty was going to come out and say hello.

He wanted to—you know—say hello, but he knew better and stayed put. Lily shook her head and turned around, making her way to the car and getting inside the passenger seat. The two of them drove away, and Barty rolled his eyes.

“You’re never going to see her again,” Barty told himself. “Get real.”

☾ ☾ ☾

Barty saw Lily a couple of days after the incident.

It was late at night, the stars were out and the frogs were croaking loudly. Barty had just finished scaring off some annoying teenagers away from the TNT bunkers, and he was hoping to have some peace and quiet but that clearly wasn’t the case.

Because in front of him was Lily.

Lily wearing a baby pink tank top and a pair of shorts.

Barty wanted to devour her.

She had a look of determination and irritation on her face, and he couldn’t detect a single ounce of fear radiating from her. It was kind of freaky because he’s never had someone just not be scared of him.

Her flashlight was right on him, shining on his fuzzy chest and he watched as Lily slowly brought the beam of light up to his face. Her gaze was intense, and Barty still could not understand how she wasn’t afraid of him. Instead, it was more becoming like he was afraid of her. He's confused, because she seemed afraid when she first saw him, but now looking back on it, it was probably more like she was scared that she hit something rather than what she hit. How could she not be terrified of him? Was it the antennas? The red eyes? The fucking wings? He knew they could be fucking goofy looking but come on.

Either way, this was a first.

“Uh,” Barty said, tilting his head, bringing his hand up to try and block the light. “Did you need something?”

Oh, God. Barty wanted to smack himself in the face. Out of all the things he said, that’s what he picked? He literally had a fucking goddess standing in front of him, and he already made himself look like an idiot. Not only that, but this was his first conversation with an actual human in years. He spent his time talking to himself or talking to a large toad that he named Evan. So, this? Talking to a beautiful girl like Lily? It was a curse and a blessing.

“I hit you with my car,” Lily stated.

“Yeah, you did—Sorry, are you not freaked out right now?”

“Am I supposed to be afraid of some weirdo dressed up like a moth?”

“Excuse me?” Barty asked, glaring. A pretty girl with a pretty feisty mouth on her. He can work with that. "You think I'm a what?"

"A weirdo?"

"Who the fuck are you calling a weirdo?"

“You can’t expect me to think that Mothman is real.”

“You hit me with your car and you’re insulting me?” Barty asked. “Where is my apology, huh?”

Lily walked up closer to him, the flashlight held in her right hand. She was tiny compared to him, the height difference was throwing him off. She shoved her left index finger on his lower chest.

“Prove it.”

“Prove what? That you fuckin’ hit me with your car?”

“No,” Lily replied, rolling her eyes. She put her hands on her hips, the flashlight pointing towards a tree. “Prove to me that you’re real.”

Oh, she’s bold.

“I don’t have to prove you shit,” Barty said. “You should know better than to be in the woods at night alone, princess.”

“My friends have my location, so if you’re thinking about kidnapping me or murdering me, I wouldn’t try it.”

“What? You’re the one who came after me,” Barty replied. “If anything, I should be the one worried since you’re the one stalking me.”

“I’m not stalking you,” Lily scoffed. “I just wanted to figure out what I hit, and now I know it’s some guy dressed up like Mothman. Are you wearing stilts under that suit?”

“I am Mothman,” Barty deadpanned.

“Yeah, okay,” Lily said, sarcasm dripping from her words. “Anyway, I’m heading back to my car now, so don’t even think about following me.”

“What car? You totaled it when you slammed into me.”

“It’s my friend’s car,” Lily replied. “Not that you need that information.”

“So then why did you give it?”

“You’re nosy,” Lily pointed out.

Barty snorted. “I’m nosy? You’re the one who is giving out information left and right.”

“Whatever, grow up, look for a new hobby, and stop dressing up like a fake creature,” Lily said. “And maybe look both ways before crossing the road or you’ll get hit again.”

“Maybe you should try driving with your headlights on.”

Lily ignored his comment and turned around. She started to walk away from Barty, and she waved behind her, saying goodbye.

And for some reason, that one gesture pissed him off. He’s never had anyone just wave him off like that, or even insult him like that in five minutes. He couldn’t help it though—his eyes wandered straight to her ass. He watched as she kept walking away until she was out of view, and the only thing that kept replaying in his head was:

Lily had a nice fucking ass.

He never took himself as that kind of cryptid—one that drooled over humans or fantasized himself with one. He couldn’t deny what was clearly a fact: Lily was hot.

And look, Barty was aware that he explicitly said that he wasn’t going to prove Lily anything, but after watching her just walk away like he meant nothing was a slap in the face. He knew exactly what he was going to do and how he was going to do it.

He waited a while before figuring that Lily was in the car and was already driving down the road—she wasn’t that deep in the woods. He started to flap his wings and when he got good momentum, he ascended into the air and looked around once he was above the trees.

And there she was—driving that stupid car that she was in earlier when she came there with James.

He glided over to her car, hovering over it and keeping up with the speed of the car. He decided that now was the best time to just go for it—do what he’s known best for. He obnoxiously landed hard on the roof of the car and let out a laugh due to the thrill of scaring someone off.

However, his laugh was cut off because what he wasn’t expecting was for Lily to slam on the breaks.

Barty, losing his balance, flew off the top of the car and hit the pavement, rolling multiple times before finally coming to a stop. He let out a loud groan and fluttered his eyes closed.

“—Oh my God, are you okay?” Lily asked, running out of the car. She crouched down next to Barty and frantically started hovering her hands over him. It was like she couldn’t figure out where to start looking for injuries, but also taking in that he was clearly not human. “You’re such an idiot!”

“How are you so fucking normal about this?” Barty asked, voice cracking. He looked up at her and the headlights shining on her made Barty think that Lily was an angel, but so far her actions had been pretty demonic, in his opinion. She was in a state of panic, her eyes searching Barty’s and he could tell when it finally clicked for her.

“Oh,” Lily gasped, shaking her head and moving away from him. “Oh, you’re actually—”

“I told you,” Barty said.

“You flew on top of my car!”

“It’s not your car.”

“Does that really matter right now?”

“It does, because you hit me with your actual car, and now your friend’s car is fucked up, too.”

“And who is to blame for that?” Lily muttered. She took a deep breath and scooted closer to Barty, and this time, she was taking him all in. Her eyes wandered from his face, to his wings, to his chest, to his legs. “Jesus, Mothman—”

“Barty,” he said, trying to sit up. Lily grabbed his arm and used all her weight to pull him up gently.

“What?”

“My name is Barty,” he told her.

“Okay, Barty,” Lily said calmly. “It looks like you have some cuts on your legs, and I can look at them and clean them up if you want.”

“Nah,” Barty said. “They’ll heal on their own.”

“Wait, really?”

“Perks of not being human, I guess.”

“God, I can’t believe I hit Mothman with my car.”

“Maybe don’t go telling people that.”

Lily snorts. “No one would even believe me if I said that.”

“How come you’re not afraid?” Barty asked, looking at her.

Lily shrugged, her tank top strap falling off her shoulder. “I don’t know. There’s something about you that makes me feel the opposite, like I trust you.”

She stood up and wiped off her bare legs from the bits of gravel that were stuck onto them. Barty followed suit, standing up. He extended his wings to see if there were any cuts on them too, and when he saw small ones, he frowned. His wings always took longer to heal, so if he wanted to go anywhere, he’d have to walk until the cuts went away.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Lily asked. She carefully places her hand on Barty’s arm, and he almost melts into it because he’s never been touched by anyone like this before. Soft and gentle—feelings that Barty thought he’d never experience.

“Peachy,” Barty replied. “You should get home. It’s late.”

“I don’t want to just leave you—”

“It’s fine.”

“Will I see you again?”

“Why? So you can try and do another hit-and-run?” Barty asked, grinning. He couldn’t actually believe that Lily wanted to try and see him again, but it was almost too good to be true.

“No, I—I don’t know, I’m just curious about you. I can’t properly explain it.”

“There’s nothing curious about me.”

“You’re literally a monster—”

“I would prefer the term cryptid, sweetheart,” Barty said. “Monster is a bit rude, don’t you think?”

“My name is Lily,” she said. “Not ‘sweetheart.’”

“Lily, huh?” He said. He had to act like he didn’t already know her name, he didn’t want her to know that he’d seen her before and eavesdropped on her conversation with her friend from a couple of days prior. “Cute.”

Lily’s cheeks started to turn into a soft shade of pink, biting her lip as she turned her head away, refusing to make eye contact. “Oh, thanks, I guess. Your name is...nice.”

Barty smirked and brought two fingers up to her cheek, forcing her to look at him. She looked up and stared at him, and he had this whole witty comment that he was going to make, but he forgot all about it due to him getting lost in her. Seeing her up this close, seeing the freckles all over her face—he wanted to sit down and just count every single one of them if she’d let him. He wanted to tell her how he could get lost in her eyes which were suddenly now his favorite shade of green. He wanted to run his fingers through her hair and fuck, maybe he’d even try and learn how to braid hair or some shit if it meant being able to just touch her in any way that he could.

Lily was a light that Barty wanted to orbit around forever.

There was no other way to explain that Lily made him feel like he was meant to be here. Here, in front of her, as if being pulled away from her was going to destroy him.

Well, that was a bit dramatic.

However, he’d rather get hit by a thousand cars than have Lily leave.

But he knew that she had to.

“Thanks for the forced compliment, princess,” Barty said, dropping his hand. “But go home. We’ll find each other again one day, I’m sure.”

"And what if we don't?"

"Then we don't."

"I'm sorry, you know," Lily said, frowning. "For hitting you."

"See? Was that apology so hard?"

"God, you're so annoying," she murmured.

"And you think you're not?"

Lily smiled, and Barty wanted to see that every day.

Realistically, he knew that he couldn't. It wouldn't work. Anything Barty wanted never worked out for him, so why would this situation be any different?

"Come on, go home," Barty said.

Lily hesitantly nodded her head and walked over to the running car. Barty watched her get into the vehicle as he moved to the side of the road, not really wanting to get hit a second time.

If Lily looked back when she drove away, Barty wouldn’t know. He was too caught up in staring at the ground, already missing someone he hardly knew.

#bartylily #barty crouch jr #lily evans #barty x lily #the marauders #rarepair #the marauders era #lily x barty #mothman au #au #harry potter #mothbart #i'll never leave u mothbart #i'll think about u forever #can't wait to write more mothbart #india's writing #lane tag<3 #kolowv tag <3

[guinevereslancelot]

babe would you still love me if we were superheroes and you were in danger and i went absolutely bonkers and crossed every moral boundary imaginable to protect you at literally any cost?

#would you still love me if i was covered in blood for you? #anywayyyy more superheros going of the fucking deep end for love thanks <3333 #this isn't based in anything in particular unfortunately i would simply like to see it #anyway.....people compromising their morals for love!!! doing the wrong thing for selfish reasons!!! #too many people commenting on my betrayal post think its about ur lover changing your mind/making you realize u were wrong #no!!! its about choosing the wrong side in purpose!!! going against ur beliefs bc u love someone more than ur conscience #KNOWING its wrong but doing it anyway in absolute AGONY because what other choicebdo you have!!! #anyway <3 #sacrifice ur soul for ur lover or don't waste their time #this has been a shitpost #please tag your blorbos <3 #ig this is lowkey and anidala post but i want the superhero version please and also without the totally implosion of the ship and hero #i want the good guy lover to live with the weight of his sins knowing he can never atone but he would make all the same choices again 🤌 #devotion to your lover above everything!! past the point of redemption or the ability to forgive yourself!!! #(this is good when the lover is horrified but better when they forgive their lover for the atrocities committed for their own sake) #otp dynamic fr #worm discourse

[bonefall]

NEVER STOP!!! everytime I get mad over DOTC I just come onto your page and read your Gray Wing slander and immediately feel better, thanks muchly! 😌✨️

I am but a humble DOTC Slander ranger, riding across the sunlit horizon with a big iron on my hip, putting every hater's formless frustration into the words you felt but did not realize how to say ✨️

#If there's anything positive to say about it #it's that it's at least a SPECTACULAR kind of bad #It's bad in the kind of way that makes you realize what is so bad about other entries in WC #Like the rosetta stone of things wrong with WC #In no other arc is the ableism misogyny and abuse apologia SO apparent. SO plain to see #And of course your mind's immediately drawn to Clear or Tom because they're so obviously awful as characters. #But even the characters they think are GOOD and frame as RIGHTEOUS are revealing!! #Sometimes even moreso!! #though to be clear I end up biting at Gray a lot more often than Clear because he's awful in a less immediately obvious way #but I think clear is literally THE worst character they have ever put in WC. It's not a contest. It's not even a consideration in my mind. #because at the end of the day. Clear is WHY the arc is so bad. #Gray is defending him and doing a shit ton of abuse apologia and generally being insufferable #but as a tool he is being used in the exact way they mean to use him. #And his USE is to SUPPORT CLEAR. #He may not be the main POV but the arc is ABOUT Clear. It's HIS story. EVERYTHING that happens is supposed to be for HIM. #I haven't gotten to Gray's death scene in my reread yet but I should actually reblog it over here on the main when I do #Because it says it. It says it explicitly. That Gray only ever did anything because Clear pushed or bullied him to action. #And the narrative tries to frame that like a sweet and sentimental thing #But it's actually fucking horrifying. That WAS the entire series. #Clear pushing and bullying others until life was worse for everyone. And then they thank him for it. #bone babble #dotc hate

[andthebeanstalk]

Betty is so relatable I would do the same shit for my wife

#simon petrikov #original #at #the moment where she declares that she's jumping into the future to save him. just pure save-husband impulse #and maybe she made the wrong choice but I felt the emotion in my gut and that's good tragedy baby #I would do the same thing and then be in the future and realize I probably fucked up but also what else could I do but #devote my entire life and sanity to saving her after I have destroyed every other option?? #it's not healthy necessarily but a fucking apocalypse happened and her wife is in eternal torment. what else could she possibly do?? #I'm just obsessed with the attitude she has towards saving him and how it turns from joyful heroism to unhealthy obsession #I have a much healthier relationship with my wife. but also she's never been driven mad by a magical crowd for a thousand years! #and Betty did it!! y'all can argue about whether Ice King was better than Simon and I think he must make peace with every part of himself #but it is extremely consistent in the original series that being Ice King is basically this existentially horrifying Eternal torture #so the fact that someone who loved him decided they would save him from that at all costs is very sad and very beautiful #beautiful because no one deserves to suffer forever. tragic because she was far to willing to take his place if she had to. #betty grof #fionna and cake #golbetty #golb #*driven mad by a magical crown #you forgot your floaties #edit: upon rewatching every episode with betty in it i will say i don't think i would be so hellbent on murdering the person she had become #betty does act selfishly and it makes her character more compelling #but i like to think if my wife went banana-pants ice-king-level bonkers i would be able to love that version of her too #but who's to say whether this story would be the reason I responded differently? #it's a good story

[inamagicalhallucination]

i dont get when ppl say "atsushi would be horrified" at something thats probably just another tuesday for him

#yall atsushi is sheltered as in he doesn't know the real world literally cuz he was locked up #not that he doesn't know how evil or awful ppl can be #sure maybe some things he'll be horrified - especially since he usually seems to sympathize and empathize but stop treating him like he's #only seen good things in his life and doesn't know how hard it gets #i think atsushi would really only react to the specifics of dazai's relationship with akutagawa in terms of akutagawas past but i dont thin #hed start being scared of dazai or anything #i think he might take some time to process it but atsushi is aware of the dazai that dazai has changed into too #also in terms of atsushi not wanting to kill #when he realized that he killed shibusawa he had a little break down and then he got the fuck over it lmao #so idk whats this stuff about atsushi not being able to handl ever killing anyone #like he doesn't like unnecessary killing and he doesn't like not valuing life but still guys come on #also when ppl talk about atsushi not understanding or getting the fact that dazai wants to kill himself #like okay yea atsushi isnt dazai he'll never understand but sometimes ppl act like atsushi doesn't know what suicide is #or that despite his strong want and thirst to survive he also doesnt also think itd be better if hed died in a ditch #what else #also i dont like when ppl say atsushi is weirdly mean to akutagawa becuz akutagawa showed up and in a way confirmed atsushis worst fears #bringing misfortune to those around him #and then tried to kill him #and then resented him for dazai liking him more even tho thats not atsushis fault at all #fuck id throw dazai's name back at akutagawas face too #and he did come to understand and care for him to some extent #atsushi cares about akutagawa i dont understand how ppl can think he doesnt #anyway #also atsushi canonically gives ppl who've hurt him second chances like look at lucy why would he turn his back on dazai ever

[pisshandkerchief]

had Rocky Horror rehearsal tonight and started thinking that really I should be playing Brad Majors....none of these bitches get him like I do.....

#both of the actors we've had playing Brad so far have it so wrong I'm sorry. #during the floor show in particular. they're portraying confidence and brashness when they should be portraying vulnerability and fear #Brad isn't confident in his sexuality and sexiness during the floor show. that's Janet. Brad is fucking terrified #because all his ideals of masculinity and manhood are being broken down. he's discovering things about himself that horrify him #this is a deeply repressed masculine american man that just discovered he likes wearing lingerie and taking it up the ass. #he's not confident. he's SCARED. he just realized he's become everything he was taught to hate and look down on #what did you think the “help me mommy” line was about. the “take this dream away”. #he's cowering. stop playing him like some kind of rock star

[spoiledsprings]

hey anybody fucking aware the mannequins BREATHE ???? IN ULTRAKILL ?????

#ultrakill #??? IDK TAKE IT TO THE TAGS #I SPAWNED ONE IN SANDBOX MODE BECAUSE I WAS FIGURING OUT HOW TALL V1 IS (BTW V1'S BEST HEIGHT COMPARISION IS A VIRTUE BUT ONLY THE ORB #OF THE VIRTUE) AND THEN I BEGIN LISTENING TO ALL OF THE ENEMIES AMBIENT NOISES #W/O ENRAGED BECAUSE IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS TO ENRAGE THEM ALL #BUT !!!! I APPROACH THE MANNEQUIN AND HEAR A FUCKING AWFUL SOUND BUT IT'S SO QUIET #SO I PULL THE MANNEQUIN AWAY FROM THE OTHER ENEMIES AND NOCLIP INTO IT #AND IT'S FUCKING BREATHING #IT'S FUCKING BREATHING ???????? #I AM WELL READ ON THE MANNEQUIN LORE #I AM AWARE #I AM AWARE THAT THEY'RE FLESH AND WHAT HAVE YOU BUT OOOOH MY GOD #THEY'RE MEAT AND ROCK THAT BREATHE #THERE IS SOMEBODY IN THERE #AS IS STATED IN THE FUCKING TERMINALS #i'm #losing my fucking shit #i can't . they BREATHE . do you know how horrified i was when i realized i wasn't hallucinating or hearing my OWN breathing ? #i am horrified of these THINGS . #mannequins get better soon but FAR AWAY FROM ME PLEASE #i need a nap . i need a nap and to stay far away from those fucking things #last minute addition but have a silly screenshot of the mannequin

[felsdumpsterfire]

Not me looking for refs of the monsters in Fear and Hunger just to he hit with this thing

Was genuinely flabbergasted- terrified even, like, what the FUCK are you doing, big bro Night Lurch *read: terrified*

#not a reblog. #personal #fear and hunger #you know #i figured this was gonna be a thing #like even went into it with the knowledge that crazy shit happens BUT #I DID NOT REALIZE HOW MANY MOSNTERS WERE IN THIS GAME???? #i was failed to be told #I just thought there was like a *few* more outside of all the ones i had seen (ALSO SAW WHAT EVERYONE WAS BLURRING WITH THE GAURDS) #(I COULD NOT MAKE HEADS OR TAILS OF IT I STILL CAN'T IT WAS FUCKING FREAKY) #yeah there's so much in this game which is very cool also idk if i need to add???? trigger warnings #i don't even know where to start tbh djkdkd #i'll just leave it alone and if someone asks me to I'll add warnings fjdndm #anyway #anyway final thoughts: that crow mauler is absolutely horrifying but in like 'i sure hope this doesn't awaken anything in me' type of way

[elvesofnoldor]

Local vampire (Lestat) thought he snatched the young hot rich single in the area, got trapped in an abusive relationship instead. More at 7 as the story develops

#anyways to the people who didn't unfollow me while i was busy not understanding the text of IWTV(book. 1976): thank you for beliving in me #or rather my reading comprehension skill -_- #alright i purged most of the AMC show's posts that i reblogged #mae overshares #not to be a killjoy but IWTV (book)transformed from 'barely horror' to 'the most horrifying. tragic and disturbing horror fiction i've read #about 3 days ago. when i did a serious re-read of some of the passages in the book. i first read the book more than a month ago smh #the story is horrifying because of what happened to lestat but also because what happened to poor claudia just to be clear #i have since gone through five stages of grief about 70 times at this point i will just have to laugh!!! #you know the crazy thing is that i never liked book version of Louis. i always liked lestat. even though he's an evil girl sometimes #(but we love evil girls in this house) #and yet!!! fuckers who never understood IWTV (book. published in 1976). fuckers who only watched the 1994 film #and fuckers who don't know the definition of an abusive relationship/fuckers who can't sympathize with abuse victims #got me hell bent on thinking louis as the 'good loving father' that he wasn't!!! i felt physically sick. #like i know it's fiction but also!!! i just. you don't have to LIKE someone to get manipulated into sympathizing with them #realizing this got me feeling quite perturbed lol #manipulative lestat this manipulative lestat that. im at my fucking limit. the OG manipulator is louis

[i-hear-a-sound]

I should’ve never slept on greylock bro..

#THE LATEST EPISODE IS SOME OF THE SCARIEST SHIT IVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE #greylock #analog horror #like Mandela catalyst is still THE analog horror ep of all time for me (for *that* fucking ending alone) #BUT THE LATEST GREYLOCK EPISODE IS INSTANTLY A CLOSE 2ND FOR ME. SHIT JUST BUMPED THE BAR SOOOO HIGH #like….. the ending. oh my god the ending. the dogs. and charlotte… what if they took fma and made it John carpenter’s The Thing deadass #BUT THAT WASN’T EVEN TBE SCARIEST THING IN IT FOR ME. IT WAS RHE FUCKING. FLESH SKELETON CREATURE WALKING INTO THE HOUSE. OH MY GOD. OH MY #GOD. GO DODOFOFJJFUD I HATEDDDD THAT SHIT SI MUCH OMG. IM GONNA HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT THAT SHIT. IT LOOKED INSANELY FUCKING REAL TOO. #I’m soooo curious how they made those 2 things for this ep tho…. Guarantee it was blender but deadass #I thought charlotte at the end was an animatronic. Legit it looked that real. Terrifying shit. Can’t wait for more <3kisses #& also. the second I realized thought forms were basically Tulpa’s shit reached S tier for me. #tulpas are SO INTERESTING and yet so rarely ever used in media. And the way this series uses the thoughtforms is CHILLINGLY horrifying.

[beelzzzebub]

somebody help i got my wisdom teeth out yesterday and now bits of my gums keep falling out

#it only happened twice so far #and they were itty bitty #but still?? #this is affecting my ocd enough as it is #like this is a fears-being-realized kind of thing that might seriously fuck me up if i'm being honest #rn i'm like.... kind of chill about it? #but i can feel the instability lurking underneath #i have a feeling i might wake up tomorrow morning like #.... #you know #anyway #point is #MY FUCKING GUMS ARE FALLING OFF #i feel a bit of thing on my tongue and i'm like #i haven't eaten recently #what's that #and then it's just FLESH #so #i'm kind of horrified #do i talk to the dentist about this or am i overreacting? #bc i know i have a tendency to blow things like this up #you know. with the mental illness #but likeeee this feels like an actual thing #but idk #arhhhhhh #boink

[continuousmeowing]

I fell asleep on the couch and had a dream that kind of freaked me out

#It’s five in the morning excuse me if my wording isn’t as eloquent as usual #fun claude fact: zombies freak me the fuck out #another fun claude fact: my brain loves to torment me with reoccurring zombie apocalypse dreams #my brain is just OBSESSED with figuring out every way things could go wrong in an apocslypse setting #and subjecting me to them in what feels like my own personal hell #anyways the highlights of tonight’s dream: #mother left to get supplies for the first time since it all started. it was horrifying because I knew she probably wouldn’t come back! #i had to reckon with the idea that this would be the rest of my life. this was the world I lived in now. #doppelgänger zombie dog came into my house! I had to witness my father kill my dog knowing we would also have to kill the other. #impulsively took out my knife and slit my leg in reflex to seeing my dog get killed. #had a moment of ‘fuck does that count as relapse’ before realizing the undead would smell my blood and come for our asses #realizing that we were doomed #my mother left and was probably going to get killed #we were running out of supplies. what would I even do when my father grew old and died too. #a dog that might or might not be our dog ni sat in our living room. we would have to kill it. #another dog that might or might not be our dog laid in a pool of blood in our garage #i was bleeding profusely and there was a chance they would come for us #we were fucked #and then i woke up on the couch and tried not to freak out #claude’s meowing